WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 03:43.000 INT. COSMO'S SALON. DAY. COSMO Oh no, trust me, it gets worse. Not only did he take me to dinner to the Amadeus on 42nd East and not 42nd West, my mother calls me in the middle of dinner and tells me he’s not even a doctor, he’s a veterinarian. Can you believe that? COOKIE Now how did she know that? COSMO Well, apparently she’d been talking to her sister, Auntie Ruth, who recognised the name from a party last year, where the ‘doctor’s father fell into the pool holding an umbrella and made Shirley Heckman laugh so hard she peed herself, like that’s hard after five kids. COOKIE So what did you do? COSMO I excused myself to the bathroom and snuck out the back. I knew one of the servers from when I used to work at Calypso, before it became a Falcone front. COOKIE Oh my God. COSMO Here’s the best part. I forgot my jacket on the chair, and had no wallet or keys for the night. I had to walk to his apartment, own up that I walked out, and ask for my jacket back. Which he didn’t even have. It was still on the chair. I could have died. I think I did die, I am standing here, cutting hair, dead. COOKIE I’m sorry I missed the funeral. COSMO Oh please, Cookie, I don’t get a funeral in this economy. At best, I get to come in an hour later. COSMO and COOKIE laugh. COSMO (CONT'D) First customer comes in, looks at me and says EDWARD enters. COSMO (CONT'D) (shocked) Oh my God, what happened to you? COOKIE Oh please, you’d be the only one who could be dead AND fab...u...lous... EDWARD Is it too late to make an appointment? COSMO Eddie, oh my God, sit sit sit. EDWARD sits. COSMO (CONT'D) Cookie, I need you to call Mrs. Lindemann, tell her I can’t see her today. Lock the door, unlock the cabinet, and take the day off. COOKIE Do I still get paid? COSMO Not if Doctor Cosmo doesn’t get to his patient. Scoot. COOKIE scoots. EDWARD Is this a bad time? COSMO For you, Edward, it is always a good time. Sit back. EDWARD Sorry for the five o’clock shadow. COSMO Honey, that five o’clock was two weeks ago. I’ll put on these hot towels, take care of it, and you - talk to me. EDWARD Why do I keep forgetting it’s pointless to be the hero? (muffled under towels) Why do I keep trying to help people? COSMO The same reason my mother keeps trying to set me up with the men in my neighbourhood - she knows better than everyone else, and she can’t keep her nose out of other people’s business. EDWARD Oh God, surely you jest. COSMO I make you gorgeous, and I tell you no lies, honey. The difference between you and my mother is that you do know better than everyone else. EDWARD See, that’s what I thought! But now I’m not so sure. COSMO When you were in last time, Southern Dreamboat had whisked away, and Mayor Moneybags was sending you to find him. EDWARD I do wish you wouldn’t call him that. Southern Nightmare is what he is. COSMO You’ve got your code names, I got mine. How about we pick up where it all left off? EDWARD I recruited the help of my friend Waylon, who admittedly was hesitant about keeping secrets from Jon, but couldn’t deny that it was less likely to get people killed. 03:44.000 --> 05:03.000 INT. ASYLUM. DAY. JON Keepin’ shit from me. Makin’ me look like a fuckin’ idiot. HARLEY Mm. JON Waylon knew, too. Waylon. HARLEY Mm. JON Far as I reckon, everyone knew but me. HARLEY Mm-hm. JON What? HARLEY What? JON What’d you say? HARLEY What d’you think I said? JON You think I don’t know that trick? HARLEY Who’s trickin’? I’m askin’ a question. JON Were you even listenin’ to me? HARLEY You’re pissed that Eddie did an Eddie thing, and Waylon was too nice to tell him to cram it with walnuts so you shit on him too. JON Huh. So you were listenin’. HARLEY Yeah, I was. JON And you agreed with me. Did you know? HARLEY Know what? JON Harley… did you know? PAUSE. HARLEY Yeah. Yeah, I knew. JON What? How? HARLEY I ain’t tellin’ you that, I don’t owe you shit. JON Well that just tops it all, doesn’t it? Everyone fuckin’ knew. Really fucks me off, people laughin’ behind my back, just a big fuckin’ joke, real big laughs at my goddamn expense. HARLEY slaps JON. 05:04.000 --> 06:50.000 INT. COSMO’S SALON. EDWARD I just wish someone would slap some sense into him, though granted it may take more than one. Surely of all people, he would have to know how... difficult he can be. COSMO Maybe he’ll take the whole thing as a learning experience. EDWARD For a man of science, he seems to struggle with the whole ‘learning’ thing. I mean, I’m not unsympathetic. Yes, Ichabod’s his whole world, or at least the majority of it, and there will come a day when she’ll drop off the perch for real, but he’ll have a heads up to it. You know when life is running thin, you brace for it. COSMO Unless they get hit by the 23rd Street bus. EDWARD Unless they get hit by the 23rd Street bus. Or have their neck broken and left in a cage. Or... anything else that can happen when Fate plays dice. COSMO Chin down. EDWARD There’s something inside of him that he can’t fully control, so why would I poke a bear without a plan? Oh hey Jon, turns out your bird is alive and hidden somewhere in the city. Here’s a gun, a bottle of Wild Turkey and bus fare - best of luck. COSMO You’re making perfect sense to me, Eddie. It’d be like putting the condom on after sex - you’re already fucked, what’s the use of playing safe now? EDWARD See! I knew it was logical. I knew I wasn’t crazy. (exhales) I knew you would understand. COSMO Hold still. EDWARD I just don’t know what goes on in that man’s head. I mean, if words aren’t going to do it, what will? What’ll it come down to, a bare knuckle brawl in a Waffle House parking lot? Because he may have the reach, but I’ve got the stamina. 06:51.000 --> 08:02.000 INT. ASYLUM. DAY. HARLEY I know Eddie, and I know you. The way it sounds, there’s no pretty endin’ for this. JON You’re usin’ logic on me? Now? HARLEY Hey, I’m just here for the company, I didn’t think you were even listenin’ to me. JON Bits filter in. HARLEY Yeah, stuff you can get pissed about. I get it, Eddie’s a manipulative dick who treats people like things. JON Damn right. HARLEY And you’re a... manipulative dick who treats people like things. JON ...You enjoyin’ this? HARLEY What? JON Treatin’ me like shit. HARLEY What’d you want, tea and sympathy? Your buddy tried to kill me and tossed my man through plate glass. You had a massive mental break you’re not even sorry for and you want me to kiss your head and tell you it’s okay? Fuck off. I love you Jonny, but fuck off. You feel me? JON Yeah, Harley. It’s not a subtle point you’re makin’. HARLEY Good. JON Mm. Out of curiousity, what would Edward have got? HARLEY What, from me? JON Yeah. HARLEY Eddie’d never’ve come to me with this. JON And why not? HARLEY He’s gonna want someone to tell him he’s right. JON What, and I’m not right? 08:03.000 --> 09:37.000 INT. COSMO'S SALON. COSMO Of course you’re right, Eddie. About three weeks ago, I swam too deep in a bottle of merlot and when I woke up, all the rings on my right hand were missing - I almost ripped my apartment to shreds to find them. I could only imagine what I’d do if I had found little Esteban, God rest his doggy soul, the same way Dreamboat had. I’d have burned down the city too. EDWARD Did you find them? COSMO Hmm? EDWARD The rings. Did you find them? COSMO Well, apparently I had moved them from my right hand to my left at some point in the night. I said something about scratching the Swarovski, which, hello - do you think I could afford those? Drunk Cosmo seems to be living a much classier life than I am. EDWARD (laughs) Oh Cosmo, you are the living end. COSMO And thanks to keeping your friend in the dark, I don’t have to worry about becoming a dead end. Well, for a moment. EDWARD It could have all gone so much smoother if he just learned how to be... reasonable. (sighs) What am I saying? What is even the point in thinking he could have been reasonable about this? He’s such a stubborn JON Pompous EDWARD Ignorant JON Condescendin’ EDWARD Buffoon. JON Jackass. EDWARD Now, stop me if you’ve heard this one… JON I know it and he knows it. BOTH It’s all his fault! 09:38.000 --> 11:16.000 INT. ASYLUM. DAY. HARLEY Feel better for gettin’ that off your chest? JON (grumpy) No. HARLEY So what’re you gonna do about it? JON Nothin’. Got my Ikky back, I’m good. HARLEY ‘Kay. You got any sane questions now you’re not hysterical? JON I was not - goddammit, I was not hysterical. HARLEY Closest you get. You want the scientific term? JON Which one? HARLEY Technically, you lost your shit. Quick slap and your shit shot right back. Like magic. JON Hi-fuckin’-larious. HARLEY Hey, I’m not just a pretty brain. JON Yeah, you’ve also got hands like croquet mallets. My jaw’s about two inches to the left. HARLEY Hasn’t improved your looks any. JON Well, dang. There goes that modellin’ career. HARLEY So what’s your question, if indeed you got one? JON Alright. When’d you find out? HARLEY After Eddie’d already left. JON Huh. HARLEY See what happens when you wait and see? JON Mm. HARLEY You don’t make dumbass leaps in logic and think everyone’s against you. JON Maybe not everyone, but plenty still are. HARLEY Atta boy. There’s that healthy attitude. PAUSE. JON You know, one of these times, we should make you the focus of discussion. Since this is your session, and all. HARLEY Aw, but lookit how far we’ve come! JON Get out of my office. Time’s up. HARLEY Yeah, yeah. Hey. Jonny. JON Hm? HARLEY I’m glad you’re not dead. JON (mostly unintelligible) Yeah, yeah. 11:17.000 --> 12:45.000 INT. COSMO'S SALON. DAY. COSMO Well, he can go and pout about it, and you can strut about town a human once more. Voila! EDWARD Cosmo, you are a god. COSMO I know, honey. Now this time, respect the artist and run a comb through that russet nest once in a while, will you? Beauty doesn’t take a vacation. EDWARD Speaking of, your annual trip to the Bahamas should be coming up, yes? I’ll be sure to book around it. COSMO (sighs) Not this year - had to replace the front window, so no cosmos for Cosmo this year. EDWARD Nonsense. Everyone needs a chance to get out of town once in a while. (rustling of paper) Will this do it? COSMO Oh Edward, that’s not what I wa- EDWARD Not enough? Alright, here. COSMO Eddie. EDWARD I’m just going to keep adding to it until you give in. (laughs) COSMO Thank you. Oh, you’ve made me all a mess. EDWARD And you’ve made me a handsome devil once more. I’d say that makes us even, wouldn’t you? COSMO You ever need an ear, you call me, alright? EDWARD You’re always my first port in the storm, Cosmo. You and Cookie have fun now! EDWARD leaves, whistling. COSMO Oh my God, Cookie is going to die! Cookie! Get in here! I know you’re eavesdropping, you bitch! Go pack a bag - we’re going to the Bahamas! And shut off that TV, I can’t hear myself think. 12:45.000 --> 16:05.000 EXT. HARPER’S OWN SAUCE FACTORY - DAY Reporters have gathered outside to get a word with Harper’s Own CEO, Kieran Harper. VICKI VALE I am standing outside the Harper’s Own Manufacturing Plant which, despite many difficulties and red tape, has finally broken ground in Gotham City. A move that has led many people to speculate the presence of bad blood between Mayor Cobblepot and Harper’s Own CEO, Kieran Harper. Mr. Harper, how does it feel to have finally won out? HARPER Well, Ms. Vale, as we donate 100 percent of our profits to various organizations around the world to help children, it’s really the little ones who win out in this situation. We’re just happy to finally bring our delicious products across the pond, to a broader demographic of wonderful people. VICKI VALE And what about the rumours of a feud between you and Mayor Cobblepot? He seems to hold some, let’s say “animosity” toward you. HARPER Haha, oh no dear. The Harpers and the Cobblepots may have a long history, but our feuding days are long behind us. I’m sure he was just taking extra care to make sure that his beloved citizens receive the highest quality of sauces and dressings, and we will deliver just that. VICKI VALE Well, we’re certainly happy to have the “Condiment King” himself gracing our beautiful city. Now that you’ve finally touched down in the United States, what plans do you have for the future? HARPER Haha, I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait and see. Now, I’d love to talk more, but I’m really rather busy. Thank you for coming out. Thank you! HARPER closes the door. HARPER (CONT'D) Arseholes. Right - who’s this, then? TOMMY Name’s Samson. HARPER Ahh, one of the two fists of Cobblepot. Anything out of him? TOMMY Not a word. HARPER Not surprising. Well, if you won’t talk to me, maybe you’ll talk to dear old Ozzy FOR me, eh? Tell him Kieran Harper wants to have a little sit down? Talk about old times? SAMSON spits in his face. SAMSON Ade gamisou! HARPER Oh, he’s a fiery one. HARPER punches SAMSON out cold. HARPER (CONT'D) Put him in the chipotle. TOMMY Yes, my liege. HARPER Don’t you feckin’ start. Henches laugh quietly. They drag SAMSON off. HARPER (CONT'D) Oh, and Tommy? Save the [whistle]. Looks like I’ll be sending the message myself. TOMMY You got it. HARPER [scoffs] Condiment King, what a load of shite. END.