Live from the city market, it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
If you love vomit, we have the podcast for you.
Well, guess they finally figured out the microphone. Idiots.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats,
Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
I know all about that, man.
Yeah.
I got one here.
The FBI arrested a passenger aboard Harmony of the Seas for secretly recording 150 passengers, including 40 minors.
The San Juan Division of the FBI is working with potential victims after a camera was allegedly installed in the cruise line's Harmony of the Seas.
While the cruise ship was navigating from Miami into international waters, a man identified as Jeremy Fraynes,
Frias or Freyes or something like that, allegedly installed a Wi-Fi camera in the ship deck between a surfing simulator and a bar.
Several passengers noticed the camera and complained to the ship staff.
The FBI posted a form online seeking potential victims and information from the timeframe between April 30th and May 1st of 2023.
So that just happened this year.
Yeah.
So, anyhow, they're looking for people that's on Harmony of the Seas and in that bathroom in between whatever and whatever that was in there.
And I mean, he did such a poor job of hiding it that people were complaining about going, hey, there's a camera in there, guy.
And I guess they didn't do anything about it until later.
Huh.
Yep.
So did you know that New York City is shrinking?
No, it isn't.
Yeah. Yep, it is.
New York City is sinking in part due to its extraordinary weight it puts on the land.
The average sinking is exasperating the impact of the sea level rise, which is accelerating at around twice the global average as the world's glaciers melt away and seawater expands due to global heating.
The water that flanks New York City has risen by nine inches since 1950.
Even though weight put on the land is enormous, it is placed on solid bedrock such as Schist.
Yeah.
There is a mixture of other sands and clays that are shifting.
It's feared that the sinking and shifting is being magnified in large due to super strength hurricanes and storms.
So it's a little bit of everything is what it sounds like.
Yeah.
And I mean, people are thinking nine inches since 1950 is not that much.
But when you're talking about large buildings like that, it really is.
Yeah, it is, the structures.
Yeah.
And, you know, this stuff may go on so long that it may render the structures not suitable for use.
Well, I can also add just in my brain and what I'm thinking, the subway systems have got to do something with that.
Because that's earth that they have taken out from underneath it.
You know, that's a very good point, Rob.
That would support it on the other side of all that water.
Yeah, the subway systems are all over there.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, yeah, they poured concrete down there, but the earth ain't there.
No, it's not the same because essentially, even though it's concrete, it's still hollow canals underneath the dirt, underneath the ground.
Yeah, yeah, because everything would settle.
Yes.
Where if you had that solid ground, it wouldn't settle that much on the inside and it would help support out at the water in.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
Uh-huh.
Well, that's a good point.
I never even thought about that.
Yeah.
That's just years of construction, man.
Working on the lake and all that stuff.
Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't have a solid base.
No, you're right.
Wow.
I never even thought about that.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
You got some stuff you want to go into?
Well, in medieval Germany, it was legal for married couples to sell their disputes by fighting a marital duel.
Oh, wow.
Even the field, the man had to fight from inside a hole with one arm tied behind his back.
The woman was free to move about and was armed with a sack filled with rocks.
And us Americans think we got it bad.
You had no shit.
We just got to sleep with them.
You had no kidding.
Wow.
You know, Elon Musk has a new, he just now introduced the new Tesla bot.
Really?
Yeah, the bot looks like a titanium skeleton.
There's really nothing that exciting about him at all.
Yeah.
The bot walked around and looked at the crowd, but nothing more.
Tesla claims great opportunity to develop the humanoid robot because it could leverage a lot of existing hardware for its EV.
You know, but electric vehicles and bots and the self-driving technology, I don't get how that correlates with a bot.
Elon Musk claims...
I don't get it.
Yeah, I don't get that at all.
So, anyhow, I thought that story was worth mentioning because I think you feel the same way I do about it.
It's like, so?
Yeah, yeah.
I don't see how they relate.
Yeah, I don't either.
But he claims that that's like his key to future right there is that, is the bots.
You know, so anyhow, whatever.
I think he's just trying to justify playing with money.
Yeah, yeah.
Yep.
Any of that or is he going to cause the termination to come true?
I think it's coming true.
I think it's coming true regardless, Rob.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, it all started with the two...
Well, this may not have started it, but most famously, the two Facebook mainframes, the two AIs that started communicating with each other.
And then they kept telling them to stop, so they developed their own language and communicated with each other and could not get them to stop.
Yeah.
So what if they develop their own power source somehow and then you try to shut them off?
They're like, no, no.
I could see this going to court, too.
The humanoid going, I am a being and I deserve my own freedom.
And what do you think the court's going to do?
They'll grant them freedom.
I hope not.
Oh, I can see that happening right now.
Some idiot judge.
Yeah, true.
And this happened a couple of months ago, but the Dodgers were visiting the Brewers for a three-game series.
One player got an Airbnb rather than staying with a team.
The reason the Dodgers opted to stay in Milwaukee's famous haunted hotel, the historic Fister Hotel in downtown Milwaukee.
So I'm guessing he probably will not get any sleep in the haunted hotel.
So who can blame him?
I mean, if he's that afraid to go, he didn't want to go there.
So he bought his own Airbnb and the team sanctioned it.
I mean, I won't stay at the Crescent anymore because of my experience there.
I'll have to show you the pictures.
It's freakish.
It is freakish.
Yeah, I'll have to see those.
Yeah.
So I kind of get it.
Anyhow, I don't blame him.
OK, go.
OK.
I ran across a story that a friend of mine shared.
She has actually been to this site and has made a post about it and has told her experience about it.
But there's a place in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Some people may know about it.
I've never really been around Tulsa.
I love Tulsa.
It's a fun town, but go ahead.
OK.
This place, it's a circle on the ground that's known as the center of the universe.
Huh, OK.
OK, it's a broken circle and it shows a picture of it.
Zoomed in on the phone.
It's surrounded by large circle bricks.
For some reason, if you stand in the broken circle and talk, your voice will echo back to you loudly.
However, anyone standing outside the circle will hear complete silence.
Wow.
Nobody knows why.
OK.
And this is a phenomenon, I guess.
I guess, you know, it's people known about it.
Well, this friend of mine has actually been there.
Mm-hmm.
And she mentions, she puts her friend's name there.
She says, we were there.
Those of you that have never been there, been here, it truly is a phenomenon.
Wow.
However, me and Blaine decided to pray in the center of the universe and it was not echoing.
When I walked out of the circle, it echoed.
Wow.
Which is not what happened when standing in it prior to praying.
Mm-hmm.
The people on the outside do not hear it.
I do believe that alone is a phenomenon.
It also has a weird vibe that is hard to explain when you're in it.
If you record yourself talking in there, you do not hear the echo on the video.
We sang to the Lord and it echoed.
So what does that say about prayer when Holy Spirit shows up?
That's very interesting.
I'm sorry, everything's losing the gospel tonight.
No, that's okay.
No.
This was my friend's words that she posted about it.
Look, number one, I am a Christian, so it doesn't offend me at all.
Yeah.
Number two, if it offends you, then too fucking bad because we let everyone speak their piece on this podcast.
And I don't care which way you lean.
I don't care what.
That's not what this podcast is about.
I can disagree with someone all day long, but I can still hear their point of view.
I could think it's stupid.
I could see maybe see some whatever, but it doesn't matter because one of the things that we always aim to do here,
despite our goofy little name, two douchebags, a microphone is to really take free speech to the people.
Go out there and go down to the city market and Nashville and all these other places that we go to and let people have their say.
And not censor it, not filter it, not drown it out, but let them say whatever they want to.
And that's it.
And we need more of that in this country.
We do.
People need to be a little bit more tolerant of other people's opinions.
I mean, unless they're like really stupid, then, you know, because we all know those people.
Yeah.
So anyhow, and that's how come I like to make fun of both sides because both sides leave plenty of room for you to make fun of.
Right.
So anyhow, you know, just because I make make fun of both sides doesn't mean anything because, you know, there are parts of things that I do like about both sides.
But what I like isn't necessarily what either side is about.
So anyhow, anyhow, go ahead, Rob. Was that it?
Yeah, I got you.
OK.
All right, Rob.
How about some horrible would you rather questions?
All right.
Would you rather have to shave your head or have your nose pierced?
I'm going to nose pierced.
I like my hair.
I do, too.
Would the nose piercing have to stay?
That's the question.
Because if I get my nose pierced and be able to take it out any time, I would do that.
Keep my hair.
OK.
Yeah.
All right.
You know, because the line of work I do, I really can't have jewelry hanging off, you know, and stuff.
I got to take my rings off.
I completely understand because I've done that type.
Well, I mean, you know, manufacturing construction all my life.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Second one.
Would you be extremely allergic to your would you rather be extremely allergic to your favorite food or forced to eat your least favorite food once a week?
I'd have to go with the first one.
I would go with the second one.
That way I can still have my favorite food.
No, no, no, don't do that.
OK.
You'd be eating kale.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
OK.
All right.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
You're 100 percent correct.
All right.
The first.
Sorry.
I had to correct you on that.
No, thank you.
I don't want to eat kale ever.
Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, gosh.
Let's hope Christopher is OK.
Poor guy.
Well, like I said, I should be getting another update here another hour or so.
OK, that's good.
Just waiting for the word for him to move in.
All right.
Good.
OK.
Would you rather have to make a one minute speech in front of 10,000 people or have to kiss a frog?
I think I'd just a frog.
I'm going to do a one minute speech because I would do something so fucked up, dude.
I would come up with most fucked up speech ever.
Yeah, you would.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you would.
I would think it's something like everybody flip your balls out and look at them right now.
Come on.
I'll give you 30 seconds to zip down your zipper, pull out your balls and look at them.
And then and then I go, they look like they look like testicles, don't they?
OK, speech is done by.
We go, what the hell?
OK, this guy's brilliant.
OK, would you rather consistently worry about germs or be terrified of a monster under your bed?
I think, well, because if you're really terrified of a monster under your bed, you're not going to get any sleep.
But if you're terrified of germs, you're oh, you're not going to fucking eat or nothing.
You're going to be like, oh, my God, there's shit all over that.
There's germs everywhere.
You got an idea on what?
Yeah, I need this.
OK, all right, that's cool.
So I'm firmly on, I think.
I don't know, maybe germs.
I don't like the idea of monster in my bed, not being able to sleep.
Yeah, me either.
I got to have my sleep.
Yeah, would you rather never get tired or never have to go to the bathroom?
I'm going to say tired.
I enjoyed that.
I enjoy taking a dump and reading.
So yeah, I agree, too.
It'd be great if I never got tired because I never stopped doing shit.
Right.
Yeah, that was easy for me.
All right.
I still have my time getting ready for the show in the bathroom.
Hell yeah.
No, me too, man.
I write down ideas when I'm taking a dump.
That's when I get great ideas for the show.
Yeah.
Would you rather have no fingers or no thumbs?
I'm going to say fingers because you do too much with thumbs, really.
Oh, that'd be a horrible position.
You pretty much got to have one to work the rest of it.
Yeah, I know.
So I don't know.
I think I'd have to stick with the fingers.
I'm going to go with thumbs because I think you can get an attachment for the simulate the fingers, but maybe not the thumbs.
Well, I'm thinking you could get used to just using your fingers.
Yeah, maybe so.
Than just one thumb.
Okay, that makes sense.
Would you rather...
Like we say, buy a pig.
Yeah, no, no, no.
There's nothing wrong with this, your opinions.
That's great.
Would you rather always have bad gas or always have a really dry mouth?
I'd rather have the dry mouth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, you wouldn't have any proof with bad gas.
You're right.
Okay, here's an interesting one.
Would you rather have a huge bugger hanging out of your nose for the rest of your life or a pimple on your forehead for the rest of your life?
Hmm.
I think I can't feel the pimple.
Me too.
Cover it up.
Yep.
I agree.
Would you rather grow a ponytail to your ankles or have a huge Adam's apple?
I don't know, I'm looking at my ankles right now.
I'm going to go with a ponytail just for shits and gizzles.
Yeah, I think I would too.
I think I would too.
Alright, good.
Would you rather be someone's pet goldfish or a wild lizard?
I'm going to go wild lizard.
Yeah, I'd rather be a wild lizard.
Yeah, I mean, it would suck if you got eaten right off the bat by something, but you know what?
I think at least you'd be living free and not in someone's koi pond.
Yeah, yeah, you're not in a controlled environment.
You'd be locked up in a jail cell or something, you know?
Yeah.
Well, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Let's see.
Hmm.
Every time, would you rather, every time you poop, shards of glass come out and make you bleed down there?
Or every time you pee, you have to wipe with shards of glass?
I guess that's for females?
Oh, wow.
Wow.
I don't know if you could make a choice on that.
I'm going to say get a gun.
Get a gun.
Yeah, yeah.
Either way, you're bleeding.
Yes.
Yeah, give me the gun.
I'm going to go with you on that one.
Yep, get the gun.
Would you rather have a vagina on your forehead or have penises growing, going up and down your back like a stegosaurus?
I think I'd rather have the penises.
I could have more fun that way.
Yes.
Yep, me too.
Yep.
Would you rather get a huge paper cut over your eyelid or swallow five needles?
That one's horrible.
I guess paper cut reluctantly.
Reluctantly and not very happy paper cut.
Yeah.
Man, that's horrible.
Okay.
Hopefully these fuckers get a little bit easier.
Would you rather eat an entire pie that someone spit in or eat powdered sugar mixed with dandruff shavings?
Give me the pie.
Yeah, pie that someone spit in.
Dandruff shavings?
At least that would be like Russian roulette.
You wouldn't know what bite it was in.
Exactly.
No way.
Whoever came up with these is a sick twisted piece of crap.
Oh my gosh.
You do not know what these say until they come out of your mouth, do you?
No.
Some of them are catching you by surprise.
I can hear it in your voice.
They are.
That's what makes it so much fun.
This next one is horrible too.
Would you rather have to dive into a pool of snot once a day or always have to shower in your own pee?
Oh my God.
Yeah, this is getting me because I put these things down but I don't give them any thought because I want it natural when I read the reaction, right?
And I purposely try not to think about it, just write them down and don't have an opinion.
Just write them down or type them down and that's it.
Okay, well it could be worse.
You could have to go swimming in the snot and then have to take a shower in the pee.
Oh wow.
Get the gun.
Yeah, there's two for the gun.
Would you rather pee dry sand for the rest of your life or shed a big hard brick every year on your birthday?
Oh my God.
I think pee dry sand. Wouldn't that be fun?
That would be the easiest I think.
Like if you get mad at somebody you just like piss sand on them.
That's almost another gun though.
Almost.
That would be like happy doing the stones.
I think you could have a little fun with the peeing on someone with dry sand.
Because they can't really go, ooh that's unsanitary.
You go, it's dry sand man, it's not going to hurt you.
The fact that I'm just pissing at you is no big deal.
Oh Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
Clown nose, just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office? Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
If someone intimidates you, just imagine them on a table being wiped like a baby.
Open up for wipe wipey.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Every sock you wear is slightly rotated.
Just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
If a ten pound bag of shit could talk, this is what it would sound like.
I'm not a gun.
I was trying to make something of it, but I don't know.
Okay, would you rather drink a full glass of expired chunky milk
or eat an entire bowl of moldy strawberries?
Moldy strawberries.
Because chunky milk sounds like hell.
Imagine the gut ache and the smell.
That almost made me gagging when you said it.
Me too.
Yeah.
Would you rather wake up and find all your teeth have been replaced with pubic hairs
or have your pubic hairs replaced with millions of teeth?
Oh.
Gun.
Oh God, how many times have we been shot?
Oh wow.
I'd eat more than a cat.
Okay.
Would you rather drink a glass of cat pee before a first date
or eat a sandwich made of boogers right before your wedding?
Gun.
Yep.
I'm sorry there's not a good answer to any of these and I don't know how to answer.
Whoever wrote these is a sick twisted bastard.
I know man, these last couple weeks they've been getting out there.
Normally we can answer them.
I know, tonight we're just like ugh.
Would you rather eat 10 pounds of poop that tasted like chocolate
or eat 20 pounds of chocolate that tasted like poop?
At least it tastes like chocolate.
Yeah, I guess I'll go with the one that tastes like chocolate
because you know, at least it tastes good, right?
Yeah, then I could put my mind into a baby roose or something
and maybe get through it.
This next one's going to make you cringe dude.
Oh shit.
Would you rather watch your parents have sex once a day for the rest of your life
or join in once to make it stop?
Oh my God.
Gun, gun, gun.
Gun.
Somebody's a sick son of a bitch.
Somebody else actually wrote all this.
I know.
And finally.
You should not make these up.
No, you can't.
And finally, would you rather put a toothpick under your toenail
or kick a wall as hard as you can
so you have a toothpick in your toenail
and you kick a wall as hard as you can
or jump into a pool of lemon juice while your body is covered in paper cuts?
Oh my God.
Give me the toothpick.
Yeah, yeah toothpick.
I think in the end it would be...
It'll require surgery but give me the toothpick.
Yeah, the same here.
It would require surgery but it won't be as horrible I guess.
Yeah paper cut and lemon juice, that would be living hell.
Yeah.
Oh.
Okay.
Let's see here.
Okay, would you rather lick a homeless man's toe
or chew a piece of gum you found sticking to the underside of a table?
I think I'd have to roll the dice to go with the gum.
Yeah, me too.
Oh.
But both of them sounded...
You don't know when that poor guy had a shower last.
No, you're right. You're right.
A lot of times they don't have shoes.
Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah.
Oh.
Would you rather drink a gallon of mayonnaise or a gallon of ketchup?
I'm going to say ketchup.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I think I'd have to go ketchup too.
Reluctantly.
I love ketchup but not that much to drink a gallon of it but whatever.
Well, no, you're right. You're right.
Yeah.
Between the two the ketchup would be more liquidy so it would be easier to get down.
And also it would taste better too in the long run.
Yeah, yeah. The mayonnaise would get a little dry after a while.
You imagine gulping that shit down a whole gallon of it? No way. I don't think I can do it.
Oh my God.
Yeah. No.
Would you rather be super itchy all over forever or be really sticky all over forever?
Oh.
I'd have to go with sticky.
Sticky because itchy you'll be tearing your hide off.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, because I'm bad with like poison ivy and stuff.
Me too. I scratch the piss out of it.
Especially in my sleep.
Yeah, me too. Yep. Yeah, we're the same on that.
Yeah, I would have to go with the other one.
Would you rather have farts to be super loud and smell like nothing or be silent and horrible?
Silent and horrible.
Oh yeah.
Because they can't prove it to you.
Definitely.
And also you imagine crop dusting people.
My dad used to do that all the time at Walmart.
Let one go, take off, leave me standing there, be some old woman standing there saying I did it.
There was this guy that I used to go out on the road with.
And he used to fart so bad that he used to do stuff like he would go into an elevator, just to fart in it and then run out.
And then like five hours later people would be going, oh my God.
So what he used to do was we'd be like loading up at the end of the night and he'd go down to the job box, you know, the gang box where you put all your tools and stuff and lock them up at the end of the night at a construction site.
And he would fart in it and he would close the door.
And the next morning someone would go there and open it up and go, oh my God. Oh, oh.
And they'd be over there about ready to vomit.
And these farts, you could feel them in the air and they would not leave.
They would be in your hair and they would permeate your skin.
They were so horrible.
He had so, I don't know what it was, if something he ate or something was wrong with his intestinal cycle.
I don't know, but it was the most horrible.
So we're all leaving Connecticut one day, right?
We're at a job site there and he goes, hey, he goes, watch this.
He goes over to the job box and we had everything in it ready to go, ready to be shipped back and we're getting ready to go fly out.
OK, so the job box would go FedEx ground and it would show up back at the shop a week later and we'd be somewhere else.
OK, so he farted in that bitch and he fucking shut it and we locked it up and we had FedEx ground come and get it.
So we'd leave the job site and we leave.
So a week later, someone at the shop opened it up and they about vomited.
Anyhow, we found out about.
Yes, his farts were so bad that it stayed in that job box for a week.
And yeah, they had that fucking thing outside, aired it out.
They washed it out with a hose, soaked it out and everything.
It smelled so horrible.
People were complaining after they opened it up, the guy that opened it up ran off because it smelled so horrible that it did the whole that whole part of the shop,
which was a warehouse, smelled horrible.
And they could not get rid of that smell.
And they didn't know what it was.
They thought something died in it and like and then like maybe it fell out or something like a rat or something.
They didn't know what it was, but it was so bad that they almost got rid of the job box.
It was sitting out on the it was sitting out in the front lawn like three weeks later when we got back from another job and they washed it out.
They hosed it out.
They soaked it out.
Everything.
Yeah, it was horrible because, man, he would crop dust you all the fucking time.
He'd be up on a balcony working.
He'd fucking let one out.
And also you'd smell it down below.
You'd look up there and he'd be like with a big gringo.
You're like, oh, you son of a bitch, I've never met anyone that farted so horribly, so gross ever in my life.
Oh, something was wrong with him.
I could tell you that because you cannot let out something smelling that bad and be healthy.
So yeah, there's something definitely wrong.
Oh, we're doing this job later.
We were doing this job at KU, Kansas University.
Right. Yeah.
And he took every elevator and fucking fart bombed every one of them.
So we were leaving.
We just got them putting in all our glass and stuff and we were leaving.
He goes, watch this.
And he farted in every one of them.
I imagine that whole fucking auditory of Bryce smelled like shit for weeks.
And they're having a big grand opening that Saturday after we got everything in.
Yeah. Oh, it was bad.
Good times, right? Good times.
Yeah, good times, good times.
Oh, yeah.
So anyhow, let's see.
Where were we?
I don't remember.
That's a good part of everything about this job.
Okay, this is a slightly different one than what I just asked.
Would you rather pull...
I asked it a few ago.
Would you rather pull your own thumbnail off with a fork or put a toothpick under your big toe and kick a wall?
I think I'd have to rip the thumbnail off.
Me too.
Would you rather puke up slimy slugs or have bricks come out every time you shit?
You know, I would rather have a brick come out as I shit and here's why.
I go, hey, man, I just shit bricks.
And people go, oh, no, no, no, really? Come here.
Yeah.
There's some proof right there.
That would be interesting.
Okay, would you rather eat a cockroach you found in your house or eat a worm that just crawled out of the ground outside?
I think that's easy for me.
I can't stand cockroaches.
No, give me one.
So be a worm. Yep.
All right.
Would you rather take a bite out of a live fish you've just caught or take a bite out of a live but not venomous snake?
Fish?
Yep.
All right.
Would you rather shit your pants every time someone said your name or have maggots come out of your nose every time you sneezed?
Gun.
Would you rather only eat insects for the rest of your life or live as you are now or eat normally and have constant diarrhea?
Oh, diarrhea, I guess.
Because I could not imagine eating...
Gun.
We're cheating this time around.
Would you rather have diarrhea during your wedding ceremony or have it during your wedding night?
Oh, damn.
Gun.
I don't know.
I mean, I guess during the ceremony...
Definitely not the wedding night.
Oh, man.
But then all your family and friends are there.
I know.
Well, okay.
I would have it during the ceremony and I would blame everybody that took me out the night before.
Yeah, there you go.
I would say, you know why I keep running off?
These fuckers right here made me drink so much I'm sick.
Good answer.
Yeah, there you go.
There you go.
And you have a great reason.
I was a victim.
They made me drink.
Yep.
Because it was a bachelor party.
Well, that's kind of like my first bachelor party.
I got to get my car or something.
You know what?
Hang on.
You cannot just say that without a story.
All right.
So, Rob, go forth and tell.
Okay.
Okay, here we go.
My first bachelor party was on Blue Ridge.
You remember Big Boys toys, next to 7-Eleven, they're at 107th?
Yeah.
It was a, they sold truck supply stuff and it turned into a glass.
Anyway.
Yeah, yeah, I remember that place.
That's quite a while ago.
My first bachelor party in 1989, we had a party on Blue Ridge.
There was over two, three hundred people at this party.
We decided we were going to move it over to Longview Lake, out to Mouse Creek.
Good choice.
So we're right there at 107th.
Yeah, you're really close.
We always cruise down 107th and then you get down to the end and it makes that sharp 90-degree curve.
And it's real dark back in there.
Well, the thing to do was you turned off your headlights and you take that curve as fast as you can.
Yes, yep.
Okay.
This is the one right after the cemetery, right?
And that comes out at that, you were telling a story about a girls home, you know, a girls center for juveniles that's over in that area.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, there is.
It brings you out right there on that curve where somebody was parked with their lights on, facing us as we're coming up on them.
Oh, shit.
That was me and my two buddies in this pickup.
Well, we turn on our lights not knowing they're there.
And as we make that curve, they flip on their lights and they jump out of their car.
So we can go that little way, we just have to add the truck, there's three of us, there's like three of them, you know, we thought we were going to have a brawl.
My buddy grabbed his tire iron from Mount Sumerian seat, he starts walking that way.
My other buddy starts going after him.
I'm trying to stand back, you know, it's my bachelor party too, this is the last thing I need.
Yeah, you don't need to do that. Yeah, you need to be okay for the bride. Yes, got it.
Well, they jump into their car and they're going to take off and my buddy starts chasing them and I said, oh, shit, here we go.
So I take off running past my other buddy.
Uh huh.
And I, and in the time I'm catching up to him, his car stops.
Oh, shit.
And I get catching up to him, they go in reverse and they start backing up and force him to hit him.
I get up to him, shove him out of the way.
I'm in like midair, my feet are in the air, my back fender hits my hip.
It spins me in midair, I land in the ditch.
And all I hear is, they hit Rob, they hit Rob.
I come right up out of that ditch, I beat both of them back to the truck.
We chased them up Blue Ridge.
They come up in front of the house, they pulled in and ran in that, they ran in the house.
As we're pulling up, they come out with shotguns.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, it looks crazy, man.
And then the cops got called.
And the cops were going to arrest both of us.
They were just going to arrest all of us.
Yeah, that's the most pleasant thing to do at that point.
And then I had to go get married the next day.
And that right there is going to be my dude.
That is classic, dude.
Yeah, I got hit by a car during my bachelor party.
That is beautiful, I love that.
That's a true story, Mark, you know me.
Oh yeah, no, I believe it.
Rob, I believe it.
I know you well enough, that happened.
And that was in 89, so I'll zip my boot.
Oh my God.
And the statue of limitations ran out, so congratulations, you're not going to get in any trouble.
Oh, yes, yes.
Oh man, wow.
I can see you two just jumping out of that ditch going, let's get them.
Oh, that's fantastic.
Now that reminds me of a story of my brother.
I don't know if you were there or not, but you're...
Okay, I'm trying to figure out how to explain this correctly here because I'm trying to explain where it was at.
Okay, there's Holmes Road and 150 Highway, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, this is down near, you know, they built that 150 bypass.
150 used to go up, 150 used to stop at Holmes Road there, right before the hill, right?
And then it used to go up the hill and go all the way to Martin City, and then 150 would go to the left and go past Jess and Jim's and all that, right?
Right.
Okay.
Well, then they built that bypass, remember, and it goes all the way through now.
It goes out into Kansas now, the bypass, the 150 Highway just keeps going.
It doesn't follow Holmes Road and go through Martin City anymore.
So when they built that bypass, there was a old house, there's a little housing addition just to the south of new 150 there, the bypass.
Okay.
And there's a lake house on down from it.
Do you know where I'm talking about?
No, not right off the end.
I don't think I was listening.
Okay, well, there's this old abandoned house there.
Okay.
And it had been abandoned for a while.
And we all decide we're going to get drunk and walk in this son of a bitch.
So we're all in the living room walking, all of a sudden my brother disappears.
And we start hearing this yelling.
Yes.
He fell through the floor.
And he fell to the basement on his ass.
So he's down there.
He's like, oh, fuck, I can't walk, man.
Oh, shit.
And he was really trashed too, right?
So we grab and pick him up.
We run him down that little satellite hospital on 150 over there towards Grandview, kind of towards the back, Byers Road in the back along View Lake there.
Right.
Yeah.
Remember that little satellite that used to be there?
Okay.
Well, that's before the emergency room started popping up.
This was the equivalent to emergency room back in the 80s.
So we went to that little satellite hospital.
We took him there.
And anyhow, my brother's like, oh, God, I can't walk and anything.
The guy comes out there.
He goes, we did the x-rays.
He goes, quite frankly, you know what your brother has?
I'm like, what?
He goes, he has a purple ass.
And we all start laughing.
And John's over there going, it hurts, man.
It's not funny.
He goes, well, just have him, when he sobers up, just have him ice down the purple ass for a couple of days and he'll be fine.
Okay, John, come on.
You and your purple ass get in the car.
Let's go home.
So do you ever remember him calling him purple ass for a while there or was that later?
You came along later.
I think that was later.
Okay.
Because for a while there, they used to call him old purple ass.
All the bosses and everybody, just Jim's go, hey, will you give purple ass over there his check?
Okay.
Maybe I was around after that.
Yeah, he was known as purple ass, but then later on he was known as, what the hell did they used to tease him at?
He was so dark that they used to tease that he was Muslim.
They used to call him Mumar because that's when the Gaddafi.
Something like that.
Yeah, they called him Mumar something.
Mumar, I think, yeah.
Yeah, he used to get so mad.
They'd go, come here, Mumar.
Fuck you.
I'm not Muslim.
I'm fucking Greek.
We don't care.
You're Mumar.
Because we were all assholes.
And me being his brother, of course I'm going to pile on too.
And I had good teachers.
Oh, yes you did.
Yep.
So anyhow, oh my God.
Okay.
All right.
Let's get back to some of these things here.
Yeah.
Oh, all right.
Would you rather peel off all the scabs Hobo has or suck on socks that are full of feet sweat?
I think I would peel off the scabs even because I don't have to digest them.
Right.
It would suck.
But you don't have to put them in your mouth like the socks.
I could always sanitize my hands.
Yes.
Yep. Okay. We're on the same page.
All right.
Would you rather have a cold sore that never goes away or poop your pants once a week for the rest of your life?
Oh shit.
I'd rather go cold sore.
Yep. Same here.
I don't know.
Yeah. Yeah.
Gun.
Yeah.
You got a cold sore that everybody thinks you got.
You got herpes simplex 40.
Fuck you, man.
And I'm single.
I'd never get another woman.
He's the guy that has that permanent herpes sore on his lip.
It's not herpes.
It was a dare.
Gun.
Okay.
Would you rather drink up vomit from a dark alley ground or puke in your mouth every time someone said your name?
Puking your mouth with a solid gun right behind that.
Yeah.
Oh, these questions are fucking disturbing.
Yeah, they are.
For us.
For us, old man.
Okay.
Would you rather be inside a porta potty when it falls over?
Oh, we have some stories.
Oh, yeah.
Or smell like dog poop on a super important interview.
Gun.
Okay.
Were you ever along when we were down at one of the fests, like Spirit Fest or whatever, and my brother went inside a porta potty and we tipped it over on him?
Yes, I was there.
I was there.
I helped.
Okay, yeah.
And then we threw smoke bombs in there ahead of time.
Yeah.
And then we wouldn't let him out.
And then we tipped it over.
Oh, that was hilarious.
Or then who was it?
Was it the Mike we were speaking of last week, you know, that his dad collected venomous snakes?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
He was using the porta potty and that one guy that had that Grand Prix came up there and drove his car right to it and would not let him out for hours.
Mike was furious.
I'm sweating.
It was like 100 degrees outside and he's in this stinky son of a bitch sweating all over the place.
And the guy kept rubbing up his engine.
And they're like, we can't get him to leave, Mike.
He won't leave.
We don't know what to do.
Get him out of there, you son of a bitches.
Like he won't leave.
And then he even moved it a little bit.
This car.
He moved it around a little.
This is when they're working on that concrete near the railway back behind Justin Jim's.
Yeah.
We're all out there playing hacky sack and drinking and doing whatever.
It was that older guy that had the long hair, but he was balding on top.
He was around for a while till one night the girl called him a pervert and he fucking flipped out.
You remember that?
Yes.
Yeah.
And he kept saying, I'm not a prevert.
And we kept going, she didn't call you a prevert.
She called you a pervert because he was creeping on all the girls.
And he was like, I don't know, I think he might've been like 40 or something.
I don't know.
But he kept coming around out of nowhere in that Grand Prix and, hey, you guys want some booze and stuff like that?
He was like really, he was a creeper.
Only we're like taking the free booze and shit.
And I guess he kept, was he creeping on Dina?
Remember Dina?
I think it was Dina.
Yeah.
And Dina's like, that guy's a fucking pervert.
And she didn't know he's right behind him.
And he's like, I'm not a prevert.
And we're like, well, she didn't call you a prevert.
She called you a pervert.
Yeah, she called you a pervert.
Yeah.
Well, preverts do this and I don't do that.
And we're like, dude, you're not doing yourself any favors.
You know, just take it and fucking leave.
You know?
So anyhow, he did that to Mike.
But the thing is, is he kept showing up until Dina called him a pervert.
And then he quit showing up because he was so offended or whatever.
But he was a pervert because he did creep on him.
And he did try to, you know, get him cornered and stuff.
The night Dina did that, it brought a lot of our attention to it too.
Yeah, because we didn't realize, you know, we just thought he was just some guy that liked to party.
He was maybe lonely.
But actually, he just showed up.
We didn't know who he was.
He kept showing up every now and then.
But then we started hearing more about him.
Yeah, and then after that, I'm glad Dina said that because, number one, he wouldn't come back.
And number two, we didn't know what he was up to, man.
We didn't know, you know, he could have done anything with any of those girls.
Because, you know, a lot of them trusted us.
They knew they were going to pass out.
They knew that we were going to watch out over them and make sure no one was going to take advantage of them.
Exactly.
That's what we did, you know?
Yeah, we did.
And we had a code of honor that we lived by there.
We didn't do anything to them and we made sure no one got near them.
So, yeah, so anyhow, that guy could have tried something like that.
We wouldn't even known about it because we're all so busy getting fucked up.
So, yeah, and we were, it was pretty dark back there.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so Eddie, I'm glad she called him that and brought that to our attention because we didn't know that before then.
Yeah, we're just fucking kids getting smashed and we just thought he was just some guy hanging out because he's lonely.
So, yeah, yep.
Let's see here.
Let's see.
Would you rather fart uncontrollably during a first date or eat your date's earwax?
I'm going to say fart and here's why.
If she could live with you after you had all these severe farting attacks, you know she's the one.
You got a good point there.
Yeah, I say go with it.
Just fart all over.
I just say, hey, you know what?
You can make up anything.
Back then, I was thinking back then in our dating days, we'd be like, yeah, this is haptosterechiosis.
What?
Yeah, haptosterechiosis.
Never heard of it?
Yeah, I have uncontrollable gas whenever I really am intrigued by somebody.
You know, you can make up anything.
Yeah.
And I'm sorry, I'll go ahead and leave.
Oh, no, no, no, don't leave, Mark.
That's so sweet.
Thank you.
Are you sure?
I smell horrible.
No, that's all right.
I'll clean you.
Well, okay.
I guess.
Would you rather suck on a goose who would do it?
What did you say?
I think I would go with that one, too.
You could play that off.
You could.
Yeah, yep.
Would you rather suck on a used tampon for a minute or make out with a public toilet seat for a minute?
Oh, gun.
Gun.
I almost threw up in my mouth.
I already had the gun out.
As soon as I read it, I'm like, where did that thing go?
Oh, there it is.
Oh, good.
Thank you, God.
Forgive me for what I'm about to do, but I'm getting ready to join.
Would you rather fart uncontrollably?
Oh, no.
How did I get those switched?
Oh, well.
Would you rather drink a cup of your mom's period blood or a cup of your own dad's semen?
Oh, gun.
Oh, my God.
Gun.
Oh, this next one.
I shouldn't even read it, but you know what?
That's what we do here.
Would you rather go down on your grandpa or have your grandpa go down on you?
Gun.
Oh, my God, Mark.
Oh, wow.
Hey, I actually, I didn't invent these.
I found them on the internet.
I know you did.
Oh, the internet.
Oh, it's disgusting, isn't it?
I hate children.
They're going to be so proud of us.
Okay.
Gun.
Yeah, gun.
Yep.
Would you rather eat your own scabs uncontrollably or pee yourself a little every time you stood up?
I'm going to go with pee just to make people look at you.
Yeah, I think so, too.
Why don't you accuse him of meat gazing?
Yeah, yeah, I think I could.
Hey, you're looking at my dick, man.
No, I wasn't.
It looks like you peed.
No, I just washed my hands and it splashed on there.
Quit looking at me, you pervert.
That would be fun to do.
Yep, and no scab eating.
Would you rather have sex with the hottest person you know that's freshly dead or have sex with the ugliest and spilling person, but they're alive?
Gun.
Yep, gun.
A lot of these are just ending in gun.
Yeah, yeah.
Would you rather eat a whole raw chicken or drink a cup full of liquified slugs?
Oh, wow.
Chicken, I think.
Chicken.
And you know, we have to answer some of these, we can't go, we gotta leave a gun for the really specially horrible ones.
So, okay, chicken.
Would you rather have sandpaper hands and be forced to pleasure yourself once a week forever or have no genitals at all?
I guess I'm gonna go around with a very, very coarse penis.
Yeah, me too.
Would you rather have an elephant stick its trunk up your butt or poop out a string of nails?
I'd rather poop out a string of nails just to show people.
I would win so many bets.
Yeah, I would too.
I'd be at a bar and I'd go, hey guys, I can shit nails.
Ah, fuck you.
Hey, we used to eat beer cans.
Yeah, we did. Yes.
Yeah, so let's shit nails.
Yep.
I'll tell you what really sold it is, I didn't eat that much of a beer can at all.
It just looked like I ate that much.
I ate very little like you did.
But when you would draw blood, that's when it was very believable.
People were like, oh my God, look, they're bleeding out of their fucking esophagus because they cut it.
Because they're actually eating aluminum.
Yeah. Yeah.
It sold it.
Yep, it did.
Would you rather cut your own eyelids off with scissors or pull each of your teeth out with a wrench?
Gun.
Yeah, Gun.
Would you rather eat a small piece of animal's poop or poop a zit or pop a zit on someone's butt cheek with your mouth?
Oh, fuck.
Oh.
Yeah, I hate to say it.
Like you said, we got to answer some of these.
Okay, you know what?
I guess since the next question is even more horrible, I guess I'd have to do the zit with a butt cheek because at least you won't get sick from it.
You might vomit a little bit afterwards and really like try to forget about and have to do years of therapy.
Yeah.
So there you go.
Would you rather drink a gallon of someone else's armpit sweat or sweat or drink a gallon of your own toe sweat?
Gun.
Yeah. Yep.
Oh.
And finally, would you rather drink a cup of spit from someone who was chewing tobacco or make out with someone who has all their teeth rotten?
Oh.
Gun.
I just had to go with the rotten teeth. I've done that.
Yeah, I think I'd have to too.
My bar days.
Yeah, yeah, we all have those stories.
My bar days.
Yep.
Understandable, Rob. Understandable.
So anyhow, I think that's going to be the end of this podcast for today, but we will do another one here real soon.
All right.
Say bye bye, Robbie.
But don't hang up.
Bye.
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Oh my God. Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh geez.
Glad they're gone.
They don't come back.
Man, that smells.