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Live from the city market, it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.

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We need your help.

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Tuffer has been abducted. We believe by the cat producers of Mid America.

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We believe it is being tortured will kill videos. Please keep it in your thoughts and prayers.

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Hashtag LetTufferGo.

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Oh Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.

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Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.

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Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child.

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It's okay, I have a clown nose.

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Clown nose, just put one on and you can do anything.

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Want to run for office? Murder people in public?

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Just grab a clown nose and BAM, everyone laughs.

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Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.

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Grab one today and make magic happen.

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Hey there, this is Mark with Quick Hits.

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This story is from India, New Delhi to be precise.

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A government official in India has been suspended from his job after he ordered a water reservoir to be drained so he could retrieve a smartphone which he dropped while taking a selfie.

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That's right, you can't write this shit. The idiot was taking a selfie, dropped it in the reservoir.

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Oh no, oh shit.

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So anyhow, food inspector Rashid Vizwar dropped his Samsung smartphone into Kaderata, damn, in central India last week.

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He first asked local divers to jump into the reservoir to find the device, claiming it contained sensitive government material.

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Yeah right, are the hams being unwrapped?

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He's a fucking food inspector.

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You believe that guy had sensitive government material on his phone?

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What's he gonna do? He took some pictures, some fucking bacteria and a couple of cockroaches in a burrito.

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And then he took pictures and said, oh shit, I need that.

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So he'd go back and find that restaurant. Bullshit.

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He was being a greedy piece of shit and he didn't want to pay for another smartphone or he had something on there that he wanted to retrieve.

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So anyhow, he asked local divers because he complained there's sensitive government material on there.

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So when it could not be retrieved, he ordered the reservoir to be drained with diesel pumps.

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That's right, diesel pumps.

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You imagine how hard and long it took, how many diesel pumps it took, how long it took to drain that son of a bitch.

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Over the next three days, more than two million liters of water were pumped out of the reservoir, which is enough to irrigate at least 1,500 acres.

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That's right, 1,500 acres.

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So this idiot fucked a lot of people over.

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The videos went viral on social media.

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Vizuaz was sitting under a red umbrella as the water was drained from the reservoir.

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Vizuaz had told local media that the water in the reservoir was unusable for irrigation and that he had received permission from a senior officer to drain it, which was a complete lie.

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He did not receive permission and it was all good to get his fucking phone back.

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The phone that he's taking selfies on.

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And mind you, he's draining a reservoir that they use to irrigate crops which feed the people.

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The smartphone was retrieved but couldn't be used. It was waterlogged.

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So the idiot, this whole time he thought he could use his phone, but it was waterlogged.

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So he didn't even know what kind of phone he had, you dumbass.

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He was suspended for the foolish act, but I hope he gets thrown in jail because he should.

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Because what he's done is complete criminal.

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And you should never, one, he should lose that job immediately.

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Number two, he should be in jail awaiting charges.

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What a piece of crap.

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You know, I ought to consider running over here because that's exactly the type of people we like to elect.

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Greedy, sultish liars.

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So India is one of the most water-stressed countries with overpopulation and severe drought.

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Which even furthers my case even more of why they need to prosecute that piece of shit to the fullest extent.

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Anyhow, this is Mark with Quick Hits.

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Alright, next on the agenda, New Zealand pizza company Hill Pizza has a new pay option.

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It's by now, paid when you die promotion.

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That's right, go and eat pizza right now and they're getting ready to fucking throw you down the hole.

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That's when you pay.

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This promotion was inspired by the buy now pay later schemes going on.

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Or that's what they say.

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They're just taking advantage for some cheap publicity but let's be real about it.

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They don't give a shit about this buy now pay later stuff.

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What they're doing is they're getting cheap publicity.

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We're seeing a growing number of people using the schemes to buy essential items like food.

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And we think it's taking a step too far for when you die.

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Quick service restaurants like ours being asked to buy now pay later.

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For what's considered a food or a treat.

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Now let me tell you, we've been having buy now pay later here in America forever.

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And it's called credit cards.

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And we learned this from our government. That's what our government does.

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They make money out of thin air and they spend it.

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So that's what these credit card companies are doing too.

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They have all this alleged money and they're letting you have it.

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But you've got to pay 20% to use it.

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And we've had this forever and it is bullshit but it's never going to go away.

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As long as we have this type of a system.

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This capitalism like it is.

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It's always going to be like, I'll go ahead and spend now who cares we'll pay them later.

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Yeah so anyhow.

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The pizzeria has taken the first 666 customers in New Zealand.

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And the first 666 customers in Australia.

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The chosen will have an amendment on their will.

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That the restaurant will be paid in full at time of death.

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Now okay number one.

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How much does a large pizza cost?

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It's probably one pizza per person don't you think?

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They couldn't probably let you get like a $100 meal right now.

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They probably let you have one pizza for the promotion sake and that's it.

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And that pizza is going to cost you what 20 bucks maybe 25 maybe if inflation is bad down there.

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I have no idea.

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So let's say it costs you 25 bucks.

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So you're going to go through the trouble of amending your will.

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For a $20 pizza.

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And who does this amending?

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The lawyer?

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You have to pay the lawyer too don't you?

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I'm sure hell pizza isn't paying the lawyer don't amend your will.

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It's ridiculous.

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And I don't know how many people are going to partake in it.

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If you're even going to use 666 people I could say.

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Who the hell is going to do it unless there's some really idiots down there.

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And that could be I don't know I haven't been there.

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Good friend of mine has been there.

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He liked it a lot.

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But New Zealand and Australia.

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But anyhow.

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It's ridiculous to me but whatever.

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I'm sure you know what.

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There's probably people lined up around the corner to do this.

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Because that's what people do.

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Oh yeah that sounds great man.

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Uncle give me a peach and I'll pay for it later.

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Ha ha.

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Well anyhow.

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This is Mark with Quick Hits.

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And be talking to you.

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Well guess they finally figured out the microphone.

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Idiots.

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If a 10 pound bag of shit could talk.

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This is what it would sound like.

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Alright.

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We've got another story here that is pretty odd.

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Sewer trucks spill covers cars in Colorado.

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Yeah no kidding.

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For real.

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Commuters on a Colorado highway are speeding towards the closest car wash.

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The reason is the Colorado State Patrol confirmed the sewer trucks spilled waste onto the eastbound

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lanes of I-76 and 224 interchange.

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Yeah.

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That blows.

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I'll tell you what.

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I don't know how this happens.

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Did the guy go empty out like a shit pond or a septic tank or something and just forget

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to put the cap back on?

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But I mean if he just forgot to put the cap back on.

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I mean wouldn't that just be a little bit and not just cover everything?

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I mean I just don't know what happened.

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Was it an equipment malfunction or something?

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Is there like a button that dumps it all out or something?

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It just dumped all over on everybody?

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Nico Blankenship told KUSATV he was behind the truck when some kind of dung started to

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spray from the top of the trailer.

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Blankenship said his car still smells like waste after several cleanings.

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I'm just thankful that my windows and sunroof was closed.

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Ugh.

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Colorado State Patrol said the dung was cleaned up by the trucking company other than the

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horrible smell.

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There are no injuries.

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And I'm betting anything that they're going to have to buy that guy and the other guy

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that was involved.

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Who all was involved with the covering of the cars and shit.

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They're going to have to buy them new vehicles because you don't get a, you just don't get

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a smell like that off of anything.

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It's just, it's too hard to get off of.

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It's almost impossible to get off of.

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So those people are going to be getting a new vehicle I'm sure and probably a pretty

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good settlement for them to put up with that.

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Can you imagine having that fly all over you?

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I mean the only thing it kind of compares to but is a lot worse is when Dave Matthews

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was going over the Chicago River in Chicago and it's grids and they took the Dave Matthews

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tour bus and someone on the bus, it wasn't Dave Matthews of course.

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He probably knew nothing about it.

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They emptied the sewer, the sewer hatch.

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It all came flying down on one of the boats that they do the architectural tours on the

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Chicago River.

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And you know you have people sitting there looking up at all these buildings and stuff

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and they're talking about them.

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Mouths open.

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You know all this sewer came flying on top of these people.

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And I mean they were quite ill for a long time.

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And that's about the only thing it really kind of compares to that.

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So Colorado State Patrol said the dung was cleaned up by the trucking company and there

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are no injuries like I said a little bit ago.

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And really that's pretty much the just of the whole story right there.

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Is you could be going around just minding your own business and you could have a bunch

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of shit just tossed right at you.

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But that's called life.

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Anyhow, this is Mark, another Quick Hits.

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Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.

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It's strange insults from an alien.

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Real hilarity.

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Don't be ashamed of who you are.

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That's your parents job.

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Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.

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It's strange insults from an alien.

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Real hilarity.

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Make your chair produce a sound similar to a heart that only once.

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Such that it cannot reproduce and prove that it was just the chair.

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A broadcast reporter has been charged with making a prank call using the South Dakota's

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Governor Christine Noam's personalized cell phone number.

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I would.

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It does.

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From what I can see, this article doesn't explain how this happened.

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But isn't that awesome?

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This person somehow got the governor of South Dakota's cell phone and made prank calls.

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The misdemeanor count of making threatening, harassing or misleading contacts carries a

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max penalty of one year in prison and 2000 in fines.

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Excuse me.

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Stanley County Sheriff Brad Rathburn said Austin Goss, who had been fired from his job

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as a Capitol Bureau reporter for the Dakota News.

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Court said court documents said that he is representing himself in court.

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The recipient of the harassing phone call was identified as.

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Identified in the probable cause statement.

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The article does not state how Goss was able to call from the governor's phone.

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And I'm all ears on this one.

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How do you take the governor's cell phone and make prank calls with it?

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I mean, this guy worked for the South Dakota, Dakota News.

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So how was he able to get that close to the governor to be able to take the governor's

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phone and and make prank phone calls?

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To me, that just doesn't jive and it doesn't make any sense.

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I think there's a lot more to this story going on and we'll find out as it goes on.

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But to me, I find that very suspicious that someone could be that close to the governor

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that is a reporter.

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Well, you know, why is that reporter there?

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I mean, did the reporter come up and act like he's doing an interview and swipe his phone

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or something?

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I mean, there's a lot that it's not talking about in these articles.

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It didn't say one word on how the phone was was swiped and and how long it was swiped

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for.

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And, you know, did they have to get the phone back from the person from the reporter or

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did they like swipe it, make a couple of prank calls and then put it back?

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I don't know.

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The article doesn't explain a whole lot.

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And I looked around for it and it's not an article that has been passed around a lot.

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There's only a couple of sources for it.

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And that's really about it.

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So I'm just going with what this said.

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And anyhow, I mean, your guess is good to mine how this reporter got that close to him

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and how they were able to make prank phone calls.

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And, you know, and then what happened?

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How did this how did the governor get his phone back or was it just put back somewhere

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and acted like he never did?

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I don't know.

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But I find this very peculiar and remember I said that there's a lot more to the story

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that we're going to find out.

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So.

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Dayline Germany.

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Man rescued from woods after sex games go awry.

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German police say a 51 year old man who was left tied up in the woods when a sex game

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went awry at a lucky escape after a hunter and a cyclist heard a cry for help.

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Police say the man was found tied up naked with pantyhose on his head in a deer stand.

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The deer stand he was tied to was not harmed in the process of taking the dummy down.

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Sounds to me like maybe someone had an axe to grind with a naked victim.

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Pretty interesting, huh?

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Who in the hell would who in the hell would agree to that anyhow?

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I mean, you got to be a work piece of crap.

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So then you go, oh, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

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Tie me up naked in the woods.

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So I mean, wouldn't you be automatic leery and suspicious of that?

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Like someone someone comes up to you and says that, hey, you know, hey, you know,

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I don't care if you've been seeing them a while or not.

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You'd be like, hey, let me put pantyhose over your head and tie you up naked in the woods as a game.

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I kind of got what he deserved being that stupid to fall for it, in my opinion.

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I just I just don't see anybody thinking that that's going to be a great idea with a great outcome.

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So anyhow, I thought that was a pretty interesting little story and I brought it to you and, you know, whatever, whatever that's worth.

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So, hey, how moral of the story.

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Don't let anyone put pantyhose over your head and tie you naked to a deer stand in the woods.

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So you haven't learned anything from this program.

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There you go.

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If someone intimidates you, just imagine them on a table being wiped like a baby.

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Open up for a wet wipe.

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This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, two douchebags and a microphone.

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People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.

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One, smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing.

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Our aromas been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.

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Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.

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Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.

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Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.

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Have I ever told you about my prank phone call deal that I used to do?

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No.

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Well, this was the old quick trip in Belvedere.

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The one right off the highway, right off of 71 or 49 or whatever, at 155th Street, down there in that little pit there, right off the exit ramp.

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There used to be a quick trip.

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And one day I'm in there getting a soda or some shit, right, and I noticed the phone rang.

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Is this probably a drug deal or something?

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And some guy jumps out of his car and starts answering.

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I'm like, huh, they know those things had numbers.

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Not only did I not know they have numbers, I didn't realize that people fucking answer them.

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Yeah, the idea of calling into a pay phone didn't occur to me until I saw someone do it on a TV show.

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I was like, what? You can do that?

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Yeah, I thought it was just one way you got on there and said, hey, I'm down here at the quick trip, man.

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Whenever you want to come down, you know, I got the pet cage and the rubbers, whatever.

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So anyhow, so I walk over there and I get a pen from the guy in the quick trip and wrote down the numbers.

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There's like three of them.

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And they're like, you know, in a little semicircle.

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And back in the days, I mean, like you mentioned the other day, how nasty that was.

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Yeah.

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Some guy get up there and start spitting all over the phone, talking, and then you go pick it up right after.

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Yeah. Jam it right up to the hole in your face that you eat through.

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Now when I think about it, I cringe.

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So anyhow, it is probably a dirt bag from Belvedere anyhow with no teeth.

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So anyhow, I get these numbers down and anyhow, one day I'm over my friend Davies and we're bored.

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Hey, man, I got something we could do. What's that? See these three numbers? Yeah.

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There's a number to the pay phones in Belvedere Quick Trip. Oh, really?

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Let's just call up and fuck with people.

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Sure. OK. So, you know, we call up and the first time it took a long time.

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I don't think anyone was there. Someone answered. Hello.

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Hey, you know, this is pay phone. You know, you're a dickhead.

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You know, just it just started screwing with me. Yeah, you're a piece of shit, man.

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Hey, you know, I got right next to me. Who? Your mom. Yeah.

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You know, people get pissed off. Fuck you bitch and all this stuff.

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So anyhow, we, you know, we call them up and harass and people get so fucking mad.

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You know, we get them so mad, they threaten to kill us or going to come over.

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We're like, well, you can kill me when you don't know where I'm at, bitch.

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You know, this before this is in

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maybe early 90s at the most late 80s, whatever, somewhere in the time frame.

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And I mean, it was just I mean, we had nothing else to do.

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So we call up and just get people so mad.

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Davey used to do this farmer oppression.

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He used to tell a guy that his fucking goats were in his yard and he was mad

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or your fucking cattle trampled my fucking sheep, you bitch.

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I don't have I don't have no farm.

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Yeah, you do, you son of a bitch. I know this is you, Mr. Johnson.

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You get your ass over here and you get my dead fucking sheep

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and you better fucking bury it. If you don't, I'm going to come over there.

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I'm going to slap the stupid out of you.

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And that's going to take all day because you're pretty fucking stupid.

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And he would just keep railing on him and the people get so mad

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and argue about I don't have a farm.

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I ain't got no farm, you dumb son of a bitch.

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And he would just keep going.

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I ain't got no farm, you dumb son of a bitch.

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And these people get so mad.

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So anyhow, one day I'm over there, I'm like, you know, it's starting to get boring.

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People get mad and they hang up.

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Then a lot of people just go, fuck you, you know, and hang up.

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The smarter ones do. Yeah.

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And although I question them answering a pay phone.

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You know, this is a pay phone, don't you?

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You know, it's like, OK, I heard that one before.

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All right, hang on. Oh, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

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You know, what do you do?

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I noticed there's a White House right behind there.

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So anyhow, I'm like, OK, all right.

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Everyone always wants to know where I live at.

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I guess I'm going to live in that White House right behind the pay phone.

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So anyhow, you know, most people are just kind of like they hang up

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and they don't want to go to that White House.

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This one guy that I was fucking with just constantly going,

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hey, you piece of shit, man.

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Yeah, you just don't sound right without a dick in your mouth.

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You sound completely different.

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You're a bald gargler and all this stuff, man.

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You smell like chode.

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This guy's just getting fucking madder than he is.

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I'm going to beat the shit out of you. Where you at?

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And I go, you want to know where I'm at, bitch?

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Yeah.

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Over there. Look to your left. Oh, no, no, not that left.

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The other left, moron.

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OK, you see that left? Over there.

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See that White House?

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I'm right here, motherfucker. I'm looking out the window.

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I'm waiting for your fucking fat ass to come beat me up.

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I'm going to smack the stupid out of you,

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and I'm going to do it in front of everybody.

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I'm going to call people over to watch me smack the fuck out of you.

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And this guy's getting mad.

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Oh, you son of a bitch. I'm going to fucking kill you.

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And I'm pretty sure the guy went over there. He was so mad.

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So he was so mad, he didn't even completely hang up.

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I heard it go click and then it fell on the ground.

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So he didn't look back or nothing, and anyhow, I hear a car peeling out.

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So I don't know about that guy in that White House,

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but I'm pretty sure he got into a pretty good fight.

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Yeah.

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And anyhow, I looked at the police blotter the next day.

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A man in the White House beaten to death by outrage.

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There wasn't an internet, so it was like one of those deals

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where I had to wait for one of those little regional magazines

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like the South Side or whatever, the Grandview Circle or whatever.

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The Grandview Dick Smack or whatever.

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One of those stupid little fucking mags to come out.

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The South Side idiot, whatever.

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So hey, I never did find out, you know, and I didn't want to know.

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I was afraid someone might have got killed that whole scuff up, you know.

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Could be.

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It was at the hands of entertainment, so I justified it.

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Yeah. Were you briefly entertained?

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Oh, I was entertained for a while.

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I mean, especially the guys that just continue to get mad

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and just continue to try to insult you and one up you without a brain.

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Yeah.

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And you continue like, Davey, just roll over so many insults on him.

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And they just keep getting madder and madder and go, oh, yeah, fuck you.

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Oh, my God, you got me.

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Oh, you went through the F-bomb.

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Oh, someone get me some iced tea.

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Oh, my God. Oh, the pain.

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You know, and anyhow, so the finality was ice calling down there.

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And this is later.

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I got bored with it and I went back to it.

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And this chick answers.

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And I started saying something, you know,

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just started blathering some sort of shit to try to piss her off.

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She goes, Mark Wallace.

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Ah.

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Oops.

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Who is this?

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This is Danielle.

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Oh, fuck.

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What are you doing calling a pay phone?

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Long story.

404
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She busted me.

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That was the last time I called him.

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Like, fuck, man, that's it, man.

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It's done.

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Cancel Christmas.

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Pharmacy's closed.