Live from the city market, it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
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Clown nose, just put one on and you can do anything.
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Hey there, this is Mark with Quick Hits.
This story is from India, New Delhi to be precise.
A government official in India has been suspended from his job after he ordered a water reservoir to be drained so he could retrieve a smartphone which he dropped while taking a selfie.
That's right, you can't write this shit. The idiot was taking a selfie, dropped it in the reservoir.
Oh no, oh shit.
So anyhow, food inspector Rashid Vizwar dropped his Samsung smartphone into Kaderata, damn, in central India last week.
He first asked local divers to jump into the reservoir to find the device, claiming it contained sensitive government material.
Yeah right, are the hams being unwrapped?
He's a fucking food inspector.
You believe that guy had sensitive government material on his phone?
What's he gonna do? He took some pictures, some fucking bacteria and a couple of cockroaches in a burrito.
And then he took pictures and said, oh shit, I need that.
So he'd go back and find that restaurant. Bullshit.
He was being a greedy piece of shit and he didn't want to pay for another smartphone or he had something on there that he wanted to retrieve.
So anyhow, he asked local divers because he complained there's sensitive government material on there.
So when it could not be retrieved, he ordered the reservoir to be drained with diesel pumps.
That's right, diesel pumps.
You imagine how hard and long it took, how many diesel pumps it took, how long it took to drain that son of a bitch.
Over the next three days, more than two million liters of water were pumped out of the reservoir, which is enough to irrigate at least 1,500 acres.
That's right, 1,500 acres.
So this idiot fucked a lot of people over.
The videos went viral on social media.
Vizuaz was sitting under a red umbrella as the water was drained from the reservoir.
Vizuaz had told local media that the water in the reservoir was unusable for irrigation and that he had received permission from a senior officer to drain it, which was a complete lie.
He did not receive permission and it was all good to get his fucking phone back.
The phone that he's taking selfies on.
And mind you, he's draining a reservoir that they use to irrigate crops which feed the people.
The smartphone was retrieved but couldn't be used. It was waterlogged.
So the idiot, this whole time he thought he could use his phone, but it was waterlogged.
So he didn't even know what kind of phone he had, you dumbass.
He was suspended for the foolish act, but I hope he gets thrown in jail because he should.
Because what he's done is complete criminal.
And you should never, one, he should lose that job immediately.
Number two, he should be in jail awaiting charges.
What a piece of crap.
You know, I ought to consider running over here because that's exactly the type of people we like to elect.
Greedy, sultish liars.
So India is one of the most water-stressed countries with overpopulation and severe drought.
Which even furthers my case even more of why they need to prosecute that piece of shit to the fullest extent.
Anyhow, this is Mark with Quick Hits.
Alright, next on the agenda, New Zealand pizza company Hill Pizza has a new pay option.
It's by now, paid when you die promotion.
That's right, go and eat pizza right now and they're getting ready to fucking throw you down the hole.
That's when you pay.
This promotion was inspired by the buy now pay later schemes going on.
Or that's what they say.
They're just taking advantage for some cheap publicity but let's be real about it.
They don't give a shit about this buy now pay later stuff.
What they're doing is they're getting cheap publicity.
We're seeing a growing number of people using the schemes to buy essential items like food.
And we think it's taking a step too far for when you die.
Quick service restaurants like ours being asked to buy now pay later.
For what's considered a food or a treat.
Now let me tell you, we've been having buy now pay later here in America forever.
And it's called credit cards.
And we learned this from our government. That's what our government does.
They make money out of thin air and they spend it.
So that's what these credit card companies are doing too.
They have all this alleged money and they're letting you have it.
But you've got to pay 20% to use it.
And we've had this forever and it is bullshit but it's never going to go away.
As long as we have this type of a system.
This capitalism like it is.
It's always going to be like, I'll go ahead and spend now who cares we'll pay them later.
Yeah so anyhow.
The pizzeria has taken the first 666 customers in New Zealand.
And the first 666 customers in Australia.
The chosen will have an amendment on their will.
That the restaurant will be paid in full at time of death.
Now okay number one.
How much does a large pizza cost?
It's probably one pizza per person don't you think?
They couldn't probably let you get like a $100 meal right now.
They probably let you have one pizza for the promotion sake and that's it.
And that pizza is going to cost you what 20 bucks maybe 25 maybe if inflation is bad down there.
I have no idea.
So let's say it costs you 25 bucks.
So you're going to go through the trouble of amending your will.
For a $20 pizza.
And who does this amending?
The lawyer?
You have to pay the lawyer too don't you?
I'm sure hell pizza isn't paying the lawyer don't amend your will.
It's ridiculous.
And I don't know how many people are going to partake in it.
If you're even going to use 666 people I could say.
Who the hell is going to do it unless there's some really idiots down there.
And that could be I don't know I haven't been there.
Good friend of mine has been there.
He liked it a lot.
But New Zealand and Australia.
But anyhow.
It's ridiculous to me but whatever.
I'm sure you know what.
There's probably people lined up around the corner to do this.
Because that's what people do.
Oh yeah that sounds great man.
Uncle give me a peach and I'll pay for it later.
Ha ha.
Well anyhow.
This is Mark with Quick Hits.
And be talking to you.
Well guess they finally figured out the microphone.
Idiots.
If a 10 pound bag of shit could talk.
This is what it would sound like.
Alright.
We've got another story here that is pretty odd.
Sewer trucks spill covers cars in Colorado.
Yeah no kidding.
For real.
Commuters on a Colorado highway are speeding towards the closest car wash.
The reason is the Colorado State Patrol confirmed the sewer trucks spilled waste onto the eastbound
lanes of I-76 and 224 interchange.
Yeah.
That blows.
I'll tell you what.
I don't know how this happens.
Did the guy go empty out like a shit pond or a septic tank or something and just forget
to put the cap back on?
But I mean if he just forgot to put the cap back on.
I mean wouldn't that just be a little bit and not just cover everything?
I mean I just don't know what happened.
Was it an equipment malfunction or something?
Is there like a button that dumps it all out or something?
It just dumped all over on everybody?
Nico Blankenship told KUSATV he was behind the truck when some kind of dung started to
spray from the top of the trailer.
Blankenship said his car still smells like waste after several cleanings.
I'm just thankful that my windows and sunroof was closed.
Ugh.
Colorado State Patrol said the dung was cleaned up by the trucking company other than the
horrible smell.
There are no injuries.
And I'm betting anything that they're going to have to buy that guy and the other guy
that was involved.
Who all was involved with the covering of the cars and shit.
They're going to have to buy them new vehicles because you don't get a, you just don't get
a smell like that off of anything.
It's just, it's too hard to get off of.
It's almost impossible to get off of.
So those people are going to be getting a new vehicle I'm sure and probably a pretty
good settlement for them to put up with that.
Can you imagine having that fly all over you?
I mean the only thing it kind of compares to but is a lot worse is when Dave Matthews
was going over the Chicago River in Chicago and it's grids and they took the Dave Matthews
tour bus and someone on the bus, it wasn't Dave Matthews of course.
He probably knew nothing about it.
They emptied the sewer, the sewer hatch.
It all came flying down on one of the boats that they do the architectural tours on the
Chicago River.
And you know you have people sitting there looking up at all these buildings and stuff
and they're talking about them.
Mouths open.
You know all this sewer came flying on top of these people.
And I mean they were quite ill for a long time.
And that's about the only thing it really kind of compares to that.
So Colorado State Patrol said the dung was cleaned up by the trucking company and there
are no injuries like I said a little bit ago.
And really that's pretty much the just of the whole story right there.
Is you could be going around just minding your own business and you could have a bunch
of shit just tossed right at you.
But that's called life.
Anyhow, this is Mark, another Quick Hits.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Don't be ashamed of who you are.
That's your parents job.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Make your chair produce a sound similar to a heart that only once.
Such that it cannot reproduce and prove that it was just the chair.
A broadcast reporter has been charged with making a prank call using the South Dakota's
Governor Christine Noam's personalized cell phone number.
I would.
It does.
From what I can see, this article doesn't explain how this happened.
But isn't that awesome?
This person somehow got the governor of South Dakota's cell phone and made prank calls.
The misdemeanor count of making threatening, harassing or misleading contacts carries a
max penalty of one year in prison and 2000 in fines.
Excuse me.
Stanley County Sheriff Brad Rathburn said Austin Goss, who had been fired from his job
as a Capitol Bureau reporter for the Dakota News.
Court said court documents said that he is representing himself in court.
The recipient of the harassing phone call was identified as.
Identified in the probable cause statement.
The article does not state how Goss was able to call from the governor's phone.
And I'm all ears on this one.
How do you take the governor's cell phone and make prank calls with it?
I mean, this guy worked for the South Dakota, Dakota News.
So how was he able to get that close to the governor to be able to take the governor's
phone and and make prank phone calls?
To me, that just doesn't jive and it doesn't make any sense.
I think there's a lot more to this story going on and we'll find out as it goes on.
But to me, I find that very suspicious that someone could be that close to the governor
that is a reporter.
Well, you know, why is that reporter there?
I mean, did the reporter come up and act like he's doing an interview and swipe his phone
or something?
I mean, there's a lot that it's not talking about in these articles.
It didn't say one word on how the phone was was swiped and and how long it was swiped
for.
And, you know, did they have to get the phone back from the person from the reporter or
did they like swipe it, make a couple of prank calls and then put it back?
I don't know.
The article doesn't explain a whole lot.
And I looked around for it and it's not an article that has been passed around a lot.
There's only a couple of sources for it.
And that's really about it.
So I'm just going with what this said.
And anyhow, I mean, your guess is good to mine how this reporter got that close to him
and how they were able to make prank phone calls.
And, you know, and then what happened?
How did this how did the governor get his phone back or was it just put back somewhere
and acted like he never did?
I don't know.
But I find this very peculiar and remember I said that there's a lot more to the story
that we're going to find out.
So.
Dayline Germany.
Man rescued from woods after sex games go awry.
German police say a 51 year old man who was left tied up in the woods when a sex game
went awry at a lucky escape after a hunter and a cyclist heard a cry for help.
Police say the man was found tied up naked with pantyhose on his head in a deer stand.
The deer stand he was tied to was not harmed in the process of taking the dummy down.
Sounds to me like maybe someone had an axe to grind with a naked victim.
Pretty interesting, huh?
Who in the hell would who in the hell would agree to that anyhow?
I mean, you got to be a work piece of crap.
So then you go, oh, yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Tie me up naked in the woods.
So I mean, wouldn't you be automatic leery and suspicious of that?
Like someone someone comes up to you and says that, hey, you know, hey, you know,
I don't care if you've been seeing them a while or not.
You'd be like, hey, let me put pantyhose over your head and tie you up naked in the woods as a game.
I kind of got what he deserved being that stupid to fall for it, in my opinion.
I just I just don't see anybody thinking that that's going to be a great idea with a great outcome.
So anyhow, I thought that was a pretty interesting little story and I brought it to you and, you know, whatever, whatever that's worth.
So, hey, how moral of the story.
Don't let anyone put pantyhose over your head and tie you naked to a deer stand in the woods.
So you haven't learned anything from this program.
There you go.
If someone intimidates you, just imagine them on a table being wiped like a baby.
Open up for a wet wipe.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, two douchebags and a microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aromas been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
Have I ever told you about my prank phone call deal that I used to do?
No.
Well, this was the old quick trip in Belvedere.
The one right off the highway, right off of 71 or 49 or whatever, at 155th Street, down there in that little pit there, right off the exit ramp.
There used to be a quick trip.
And one day I'm in there getting a soda or some shit, right, and I noticed the phone rang.
Is this probably a drug deal or something?
And some guy jumps out of his car and starts answering.
I'm like, huh, they know those things had numbers.
Not only did I not know they have numbers, I didn't realize that people fucking answer them.
Yeah, the idea of calling into a pay phone didn't occur to me until I saw someone do it on a TV show.
I was like, what? You can do that?
Yeah, I thought it was just one way you got on there and said, hey, I'm down here at the quick trip, man.
Whenever you want to come down, you know, I got the pet cage and the rubbers, whatever.
So anyhow, so I walk over there and I get a pen from the guy in the quick trip and wrote down the numbers.
There's like three of them.
And they're like, you know, in a little semicircle.
And back in the days, I mean, like you mentioned the other day, how nasty that was.
Yeah.
Some guy get up there and start spitting all over the phone, talking, and then you go pick it up right after.
Yeah. Jam it right up to the hole in your face that you eat through.
Now when I think about it, I cringe.
So anyhow, it is probably a dirt bag from Belvedere anyhow with no teeth.
So anyhow, I get these numbers down and anyhow, one day I'm over my friend Davies and we're bored.
Hey, man, I got something we could do. What's that? See these three numbers? Yeah.
There's a number to the pay phones in Belvedere Quick Trip. Oh, really?
Let's just call up and fuck with people.
Sure. OK. So, you know, we call up and the first time it took a long time.
I don't think anyone was there. Someone answered. Hello.
Hey, you know, this is pay phone. You know, you're a dickhead.
You know, just it just started screwing with me. Yeah, you're a piece of shit, man.
Hey, you know, I got right next to me. Who? Your mom. Yeah.
You know, people get pissed off. Fuck you bitch and all this stuff.
So anyhow, we, you know, we call them up and harass and people get so fucking mad.
You know, we get them so mad, they threaten to kill us or going to come over.
We're like, well, you can kill me when you don't know where I'm at, bitch.
You know, this before this is in
maybe early 90s at the most late 80s, whatever, somewhere in the time frame.
And I mean, it was just I mean, we had nothing else to do.
So we call up and just get people so mad.
Davey used to do this farmer oppression.
He used to tell a guy that his fucking goats were in his yard and he was mad
or your fucking cattle trampled my fucking sheep, you bitch.
I don't have I don't have no farm.
Yeah, you do, you son of a bitch. I know this is you, Mr. Johnson.
You get your ass over here and you get my dead fucking sheep
and you better fucking bury it. If you don't, I'm going to come over there.
I'm going to slap the stupid out of you.
And that's going to take all day because you're pretty fucking stupid.
And he would just keep railing on him and the people get so mad
and argue about I don't have a farm.
I ain't got no farm, you dumb son of a bitch.
And he would just keep going.
I ain't got no farm, you dumb son of a bitch.
And these people get so mad.
So anyhow, one day I'm over there, I'm like, you know, it's starting to get boring.
People get mad and they hang up.
Then a lot of people just go, fuck you, you know, and hang up.
The smarter ones do. Yeah.
And although I question them answering a pay phone.
You know, this is a pay phone, don't you?
You know, it's like, OK, I heard that one before.
All right, hang on. Oh, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.
You know, what do you do?
I noticed there's a White House right behind there.
So anyhow, I'm like, OK, all right.
Everyone always wants to know where I live at.
I guess I'm going to live in that White House right behind the pay phone.
So anyhow, you know, most people are just kind of like they hang up
and they don't want to go to that White House.
This one guy that I was fucking with just constantly going,
hey, you piece of shit, man.
Yeah, you just don't sound right without a dick in your mouth.
You sound completely different.
You're a bald gargler and all this stuff, man.
You smell like chode.
This guy's just getting fucking madder than he is.
I'm going to beat the shit out of you. Where you at?
And I go, you want to know where I'm at, bitch?
Yeah.
Over there. Look to your left. Oh, no, no, not that left.
The other left, moron.
OK, you see that left? Over there.
See that White House?
I'm right here, motherfucker. I'm looking out the window.
I'm waiting for your fucking fat ass to come beat me up.
I'm going to smack the stupid out of you,
and I'm going to do it in front of everybody.
I'm going to call people over to watch me smack the fuck out of you.
And this guy's getting mad.
Oh, you son of a bitch. I'm going to fucking kill you.
And I'm pretty sure the guy went over there. He was so mad.
So he was so mad, he didn't even completely hang up.
I heard it go click and then it fell on the ground.
So he didn't look back or nothing, and anyhow, I hear a car peeling out.
So I don't know about that guy in that White House,
but I'm pretty sure he got into a pretty good fight.
Yeah.
And anyhow, I looked at the police blotter the next day.
A man in the White House beaten to death by outrage.
There wasn't an internet, so it was like one of those deals
where I had to wait for one of those little regional magazines
like the South Side or whatever, the Grandview Circle or whatever.
The Grandview Dick Smack or whatever.
One of those stupid little fucking mags to come out.
The South Side idiot, whatever.
So hey, I never did find out, you know, and I didn't want to know.
I was afraid someone might have got killed that whole scuff up, you know.
Could be.
It was at the hands of entertainment, so I justified it.
Yeah. Were you briefly entertained?
Oh, I was entertained for a while.
I mean, especially the guys that just continue to get mad
and just continue to try to insult you and one up you without a brain.
Yeah.
And you continue like, Davey, just roll over so many insults on him.
And they just keep getting madder and madder and go, oh, yeah, fuck you.
Oh, my God, you got me.
Oh, you went through the F-bomb.
Oh, someone get me some iced tea.
Oh, my God. Oh, the pain.
You know, and anyhow, so the finality was ice calling down there.
And this is later.
I got bored with it and I went back to it.
And this chick answers.
And I started saying something, you know,
just started blathering some sort of shit to try to piss her off.
She goes, Mark Wallace.
Ah.
Oops.
Who is this?
This is Danielle.
Oh, fuck.
What are you doing calling a pay phone?
Long story.
She busted me.
That was the last time I called him.
Like, fuck, man, that's it, man.
It's done.
Cancel Christmas.
Pharmacy's closed.