Live from the city market, it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
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People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
1.
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3.
The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
4.
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Two Douchebags and a Microphone, the number one show for people that lie about their favorite
podcast.
Alright, hi everybody.
This is Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
This is Sam's Tofur, Tofur got kidnapped by the Contemporary Mid-America Kale Eating Association
Society.
They are keeping him in a dungeon and making him watch kale movies and we have to find
him.
I mean, this is very serious.
It's horrible what Tofur is going through.
They stole him and we want him back.
It's hashtag where's Tofur.
That's what we're doing.
We need your prayers.
We need Tofur back.
We need him away from the kale evil doers.
So we have Radrob instead.
Hi Radrob.
Hey Mark, how are you?
Oh, I'm doing fantastic except for Tofur being kidnapped by the kale people.
I know, that's bad news.
Yeah it is.
I mean, I hope it will transfer him.
You think he'll come back and he'll start getting mad at us when we make fun of kale?
If you need me for the manhunt, just let me know.
You know what?
Yeah, we're going to go find some of these kale people and that's it man.
We're going to fucking take care of him man.
We want our Tofur back.
Yeah, we got to do something.
It's time.
Yeah, hashtag where's Tofur.
We got to get our awareness out.
Yes, we do.
So hey, I got a neat little story here I found on the internet yesterday, Rob.
Yeah.
You know, a man shot another man, his roommate, for eating the last hot pocket.
Oh really?
Oh yeah, isn't that great?
I love it.
Yeah.
I didn't see the picture but I would guess, look, I'm white, Robbie's white.
White trash, wouldn't you say?
Oh definitely.
White trash shoots each other over a hot pocket.
Oh, I'm surprised it didn't say Lake of the Ozarks on that.
Yeah, yeah, you know what?
It is fun down there though.
The mullets down there are fucking inspiring.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, you got a little bit of everybody down here.
Oh, I know.
The culture is just...
I've seen, I saw a zebra stripe mullet down there, a guy in a fucking Speedo.
The first time I've ever seen anyone eating out of a trash can was Noel, Missouri.
I know that's not Lake of the Ozarks, it's Southern Missouri.
But you know, up here there's people, you know, lying about being homeless to get money,
right?
Right, right.
Well, they do that down here too.
Oh, okay.
Well, this guy, he looked around, he didn't see me over there parked.
And he walked, he looked around, jumped in the dumpster, grabbed a thing of chicken that
was half eaten and started eating it.
Then he saw me and he grabbed the last like little drumstick and ran off in the woods.
And I was like, fuck, that guy really is homeless.
That guy really is hungry.
I mean, I wish he would have asked me for some food and money.
I had food and money I would have gave him.
I mean, I felt so bad for him, you know, the guy would just, he had nothing you could tell.
So yeah, so anyhow, that was very interesting.
And also, have you got to the podcast about Testicle Fest yet?
Yes, I did.
Yeah, we need to go to that.
We need to meet up in Testicle Fest in Bentonville, Arkansas, home of Walmart, by the way.
It is.
Actually, I used to work on that Aldi's.
Oh, really?
You lived down there?
Yeah.
No, no, no.
I was actually living in St. Joe and my buddy lived down in Raymore.
He got a contract to Aldi's for, it was over three years.
Me and him went around to 42 different stores and did maintenance.
Oh, okay.
Did a lot of facelifts and the new bagging counters and the new sign molding hanging
on the walls and hanging off the ceiling.
A friend of mine does that.
He does them for Starbucks and let's see, where else?
Whole Foods and a couple other places.
He's always busy and he makes a ton of money doing it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
We were doing that during 9-11.
I actually drove by the airport that day.
Oh, wow.
I was coming down from St. Joe and we were meeting up on, I want to say on Rowe.
It was up on the north end.
Oh, okay.
I had to drive.
I came right down 435 past the airport.
Was it like a ghost town?
Yeah, it was about 29.
Oh, no, I watched all the planes up in the sky circling because they weren't allowing
them to land.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that.
Yeah.
That was like still in the morning, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Right before I walked out the door, I was watching, I believe it was Good Morning America
and as I went to the kitchen, grabbed my lunch box and I said goodbye to the wife as
I'm passing on TV and that's when it all started happening.
Wow.
I just stopped.
I just stopped in my tracks.
I was at work and a guy told me, one of my best friends, Dave, he comes up to me and
he goes, hey, he goes, a plane.
No one knew anything by that time.
He said a plane hit a skyscraper in New York and anyhow, the building's on fire and there's
people jumping out on fire and shit.
It's crazy.
Then I ran up to the safety room, which was upstairs where I was working and just as I
get there, they're showing the first plane.
All of a sudden, they clipped to a live feed and it showed the second plane.
I'm like, oh, fuck.
This is terrorism.
This is not an accident.
Yeah.
Then we find out everything else that went on.
Yeah.
That was insane.
Yeah.
There's so many conspiracy theories about that too.
You know, I mean, I listened to all of them and the problem is how are we ever going to
really find out?
We're not.
There's something interesting that I did find out though.
I was listening to a radio show and did you know that as of last year, they declassified
JFK murder and they said that the CIA was involved, definitely.
I've been catching up on a lot of your old podcasts.
Yeah.
Common knowledge.
I've been listening and I'm finding out a lot more.
I'll tell you what, in my preparation to do this show tonight, I knew there was one show
that I had to go back and listen to and I did that today, Mark.
What was it?
You have got to get deep sky back on this.
Yeah I know.
That dude is amazing.
We can't find him.
I think he went back to California.
I texted him and he never did respond and he got freaked out because we wanted to take
his picture for the podcast.
Yeah, I heard that.
Yeah, then after that, he was completely different.
So I don't know what he was into or nothing but after, I'm like, hey man, can we take
a picture for the podcast?
He goes, um, no, I really don't want that.
And then after that, he excused himself.
I actually got to hear that.
I have three hours of it on a computer that I cannot get started.
It locked up on me.
I know.
I need to find a way to get that hard drive and harness that three hours of deep sky that
we got because there was some brilliant shit on there.
He's talking about stuff that I've known about for years about how advertisers use subliminal
hypnotism to advertise to you.
It's like flashes, sequence of flashes of light and numbers and numerology and the occult.
There's all this stuff that's involved that they've been doing for years to sell to people
and it's really, really, uh, um, uh, what would you call it?
Um, uh, dark, um, nefarious.
Um, I mean, it was really interesting cause I started off with a good friend of mine that
was telling me about this and I was just going, yeah, you know what?
Yeah, it could happen.
But then I started examining it and reading it and seeing some of the videos out and they're
showing how they piece it together and the stuff that they put together.
I'm like, man, you know what?
That is, that's real.
It's actually fitting.
Yeah.
So yeah, I'd love to get deep sky back on and deep sky.
If you even listen, which you probably don't please, please come by the city market, come
by and talk.
You have our number.
I mean, I still have yours.
I called it enough times.
Um, you know, I don't think you have the same number.
I think you would have responded, but man, we want you on so bad, dude.
I mean, that guy was gold.
I want you here.
Yes.
We need to hear more of you.
Yeah.
That guy is excellent.
And like, like you said, Mark, you and Topher always say any of the guests, anything you
guys say, it's our opinions.
Yes.
We do research on some of it.
A lot of it is all opinions.
Yeah.
A lot of it's parody.
We do a lot of parody on your, you know, like clown nose or fucking, you know, calling
us whatever, uh, island of horrible jokes.
Look, what, what me and Topher aim to do was the morning show of the past that we miss
so much.
And that is the, the free form hot talk, satirization of adult male, just, yeah, farts, dicks, whatever,
you know, just stuff like that stuff that makes us laugh.
We don't want anything.
You know, we can go into serious subjects and we have, but we just want to do stuff
to stupid shit.
You know, I think the only one left and even he's not the same as Johnny Dare.
You know, he'll still get raunchy and say some things, but, um, uh, Bubba the love sponge,
he still does it.
I mean, but none of these shows are like they were.
It's like the corporations neuter them.
And if they don't neuter them, then they're going to get neutered somehow or way by lawsuits
or something.
And a thing is, is, you know, like Bubba the love sponge is pretty much, I mean, he makes
all his money from the internet now.
He doesn't really make it from FM radio.
There's no money.
Nobody really does FM radio.
So just like, just like Howard Stern.
Yes.
Howard Stern bolted to Sirius, but Stern Stern is horrible anymore, man.
I can't stand to listen.
I never have.
Back before I like certain elements of his show because he had like Captain Janx would
call in and prank these idiots and the idiots.
I mean, the media Captain Janx was so good because he would bamboozle the media every
fucking time.
I mean like Princess Diana, you know, I remember he like called into a British news show and
he's like, yeah.
And he goes, um, yeah, I have it.
You know, Diana was her last words was I want Howard Stern's private parts movie.
And then about that time, and then you hear the British guy go, or actually I think it
might have been like Peter Jennings or something.
He goes, what was that again?
So you're saying that she wanted, she was racing to get Howard Stern's private parts
movie and that's what happened.
And he didn't get it yet.
And then finally you hear him go, what?
And then all of a sudden it clipped and cut out.
And he comes back goes, um, you know, obviously that was a fake phone call.
She was not on her way to get that guy's movie.
And, and he done this to everybody.
I mean any, you know, like a planes fucking crash in train crash, he'd find a way to get
in and act like a guy that was on the spot.
You know, yeah, I was sitting there eating Doritos and I saw the passenger, you know,
um, watching Howard Stern's private parts, you know, he would always insert Howard Stern
or private parts or something like that in the whole thing.
And half the time people would not get it because they're so busy thinking of what they're
going to say next that they go, okay, thank you.
Yeah, boy, that's a good piece of information.
And they never did analyze information.
They just heard, you know, they're trying to keep it cool and keep going and it's live
radio.
So they're already lost.
So anyhow, so, but that, that radio is what we miss and look, we're never going to get
it as good as they did.
We don't have the budget.
We don't have the voice guys and we probably don't have the talent.
But you know, I mean, we're doing something, we're doing our own version of it and the
people like it, like it and the people that don't, that's fine.
You know, we're not, oh, good.
Thank you.
We're not out to, you know, make a living even or really any money at all.
We enjoy this.
This is what we love to do.
And, uh, and it's pretty neat going down the road and listen to yourself on your own show.
Yeah.
And we're at that age.
We need to, we need to do something.
That we love that we enjoy at our age.
You know, we need, we need a hobby.
Yeah.
You know, I mean the radio has been my best friend ever since I was a little kid.
You know what?
I'd be sitting out in the backyard with nothing to do and I'd be listening to Royals game
on AM radio.
There'd be a thunderstorm off in the distance.
I can hear the crackle of AM radio.
And then after that, I turn it to WHB seven 10 at the time and listen to Johnny Dolan
and, um, and people like that.
And I mean, it's just magical when I was growing up and listen to these voice guys.
And I remember, um, the first time I realized you could be anything you wanted to on radio
was, um, I met, I saw Dick Wilson.
Uh, he was at a car show and he has this big booming voice, Dick and Jay, and he's like,
Hey, let's stick.
Wilson and I'm K one Oh two.
Yeah.
And I see him.
He's a short ball guy.
Nothing wrong with that, but he looked nothing like he's sound.
I expect this six foot four tall chiseled handsome guy.
I'm like, what?
That's Dick Wilson.
What?
No way.
And then after that, I mean, I still loved him, but I just always knew he didn't look
like he sounded.
Right.
He had a voice for radio or he had a face for radio.
That's always depression when you find that out.
Yeah.
But he was really cool though.
I went by and said, Hey man.
He wasn't even with, even with Dick and Jay at the time he moved on.
I forgot where he went afterwards, like KCMO maybe or something.
He's doing the radio show, the morning show there and a different form of it, not with
Jay, but I remember seeing him, uh, you know, and, uh, and, uh, you know, I said, Hey, how
you doing?
And he was like really polite, really nice.
And, you know, and actually talked to me for a little bit.
So he's a really good guy.
He just does not look like he sounds.
So anyhow, um, Oh, you know what?
Hey, I was in the middle of a story.
So like me and Topher always have done, this thing gets out of hand and we start talking
about everything else except what we're supposed to.
I told you I was prepared for that because I know me and you.
Oh yeah.
I knew it too.
Like I said, I just hope Topher ain't too mad at us when he comes back.
Yeah, no, no, no.
He'll be fine.
You know what?
I'm keeping the show going and, uh, and, uh, that's all I'm doing is just keeping the show
going.
It's very much me and Topher show and it's never going to leave that.
Yeah.
I'm keeping the show going and I was doing a little bit of a solo cast there for a while
mixed in with old stuff, but there's only so much of that you can do.
And the thing about, the thing about doing a show on your own is you gotta come up with
twice, if not three times of the material because it's just you, you know, you can't
sit there and play the other guy and go, Hey, yeah, but it wasn't stuck to his ass.
I don't know, man.
You know, you don't, you don't have that other guy chime it in and taking away, you know,
taking away some minutes from you.
So you can only go into a subject so much and then you got to give it up and go to something
else.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah.
You can't analyze it as deep.
You don't have that other person like, you know, hearing what you're saying and then
going, Oh, I don't know, man.
I hear what you're saying.
You know, that opposing.
So yeah.
Yeah.
So anyhow, okay.
So a man shoots his roommate over eating the last hot pocket.
A man in Kentucky, imagine that Kentucky, can you believe that was arrested after allegedly
shooting his roommate in the buttocks.
That's even better.
He shot him in the butt after eating the last hot pocket, according to police.
I'm telling you, Ozarks are all over it.
Well, I mean, you know, the boot hills right next to Kentucky, right?
Right.
I think one escaped over.
I think one of the, I think one of the Ozarkians fucking skipped over the border, just jumped
over the Mississippi and got into Kentucky.
Oh yeah.
There's a bridge.
Yeah, there's a bridge.
You're right.
Clifton, Clifton Williams, 64.
He is 64 years old and he did this.
Was arrested and charged with second degree felony assault after police say he and his
roommate got into an argument over the frozen food item on Saturday night.
As detailed in a citation from Louisville Metro, Metro Police Department, the victim
claims William got mad.
He ate the last hot pocket, at which point Williams began throwing tiles at his roommate.
Tiles.
You imagine fucking ceramic, I imagine they're ceramic tiles cause I don't think anything
else would throw very well, would it?
No, probably not.
That's even better.
So he probably knocked the piss out of him with ceramic tiles.
You imagine getting hit with one of those heavy bastards.
Oh man.
That fucking.
That'd knock you out.
Yeah, that'd leave a fucking scar.
It would, it would.
Okay.
So anyhow, he began throwing tiles at him.
The roommate attempted to fight back, but decided to leave instead.
And when Williams went inside and grabbed a shotgun, the roommate was able to run away
for help after he was shot in the buttocks with a shotgun by his roommate after getting
pelted with tiles.
That guy really loves hot pockets.
Oh yeah, he does.
He does.
Man, yeah.
You know, the best stories around, you can't write.
The best stories are truth, not fiction.
Yes, yes.
Yeah.
They are.
There's just some stories you just cannot make up.
Well here's another one from Marion, Illinois.
A Southern Illinois man has been charged with theft for allegedly stealing a backhoe to
drive about 10 miles to an airport to catch a flight, authorities said.
He stole a backhoe to get to the airport 10 miles away.
Security camera footage shows a carboneal man arriving at Veterans Airport of Southern
Illinois and I actually been to that airport before.
It's very small and I could only imagine a backhoe going through there.
So anyhow.
I imagine he had to steal it the night before to get there.
Yeah, I guess.
That's what I think.
They don't move that fast.
The parking lot's really small, the airport's really small.
There isn't very many airlines there.
I think it's like Delta, United, and maybe American and maybe Alaskan or something.
It's not very many airlines.
It's like four or five airlines and that's it.
And it's probably just four, it's probably not five.
And it's just a really small airport.
So driving a backhoe there in the lot would, you know, well I don't know, maybe people
thought he was getting ready to do work on the parking lot.
I don't know.
Probably, probably.
City camera footage shows a Carbondale man arriving at Veterans Airport in Southern Illinois
atop a backhoe and leaving it at the airport parking lot Thursday.
The Williamson County Sheriff's Office said, so he just drove it up and left it.
Footage captured the man walking across the street from the lot to the airport carrying
a guitar case, the Sheriff's Office said.
So he's carrying a guitar case.
Guitar case, okay, this guy was crackers and crams.
Don't you think?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, stealing backhoe to get there, yeah, yeah, funny.
Yeah.
But doing it with a guitar, yeah, he's nuts.
A guitar case.
The owner of the backhoe arrived at the airport a short time later and identified the equipment
belonging to the company he owned.
The man was arrested and is unknown if he bailed himself out or not.
Yeah, yeah, so, yeah, I mean, when you say that, that's just another, I would say that
that is probably.
I would say there was some hardcore drugs involved.
Yeah, I'm wondering that too.
I mean, I don't think you just.
Crackers and crams is one thing, but hardcore drugs is another.
Stealing a backhoe to me would indicate hard drugs, not crackers and crams.
Right, right.
You know, crackers and crams, you'd think he'd be like drooling on himself in the corner
or screaming at a wall like Miss Goldfenstein down there at the at the City Market.
Yeah, I hear her from time to time.
She is really mad at one wall.
She hates that wall.
I don't know what that wall done to her, but man, I'll tell you what.
One of these days she's going to knife that wall.
If I was that wall, if I was that wall, I would be I would be filing restraining orders
against her.
It may have to.
Yeah, yeah.
She's furious at that wall and she won't give it up.
Man, is she not loud on the podcast when she walks by?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
She drowns me and Topher out and we're right next to the microphone.
I bet, I bet.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's squelching and everything else.
Yeah.
So anyhow, earlier, you know, we're talking about Harry, you know.
Yeah, we were.
Yeah.
Oh, Harry.
I don't know if we want to say his last name or not.
I don't know exactly.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Circumstances.
Let's just leave the last name out.
Yeah.
But man, God rest his soul.
Out of respect.
We love the hell out of him.
He's no longer with us.
We did.
But Harry was certifiably insane when he showed up to school where I went to school at in
a junior high there.
He had his in he had his papers from the insane asylum and he went around and showed everybody,
hey, look, man, I just got out of the asylum.
Nobody really knew him because he just, you know, he just he just moved out school district
and he just got out of the the booby hatch and showed up.
And and Harry was the most off the wall, nutty person.
He would make he would make people like me and Davey look tame.
Yeah, he would.
He would do the most off the wall shit just for no reason.
So anyhow, I got a couple of stories here about good old Harry.
So I met Harry when you drug him into just yes.
Yes.
We went to work with it.
Yes.
And then we then we got to hanging out afterward.
You know.
Yeah.
I remember whenever a boss would get mad at him and he would sit there and look him in
the eyes real gentle and he go, you know, your eyes light up whenever you're angry.
They're very intense and beautiful.
That was one of them.
Yeah.
And they get flustered.
They'd be like, and then go and clean that up and go.
You're just your eyes are just so beautiful.
And you can you keep screaming at me?
No one would know it.
No one would quite know what to do with Harry because he was so off the wall.
You didn't know what he did.
I mean, you did not what remember we were we were having a party down at Blue Ridge
Inn.
I don't know if you're there that night.
We went to White Castle to go get our White Castle.
Yeah.
And run around naked and you know, until we got caught.
Well, almost got caught that one night.
Yeah.
I had to hide in a doghouse.
I had to hide in a doghouse for about six hours.
And anyhow, I'll get to that story one these days.
Anyhow, Harry jumped off the side of the bridge on 71 Highway there.
Right.
OK.
The Blue Ridge.
And it looked like he looked like he jumped in the middle of the highway.
But what we didn't realize the the bridge was so wide, there was like embankment and
grass below there that you could jump on and not really hurt yourself.
But it was really close to the edge of the highway.
So he'd jump off there and go, that's it, I'm done.
I'm leaving.
And he jumped off of it.
And everyone was like, oh, we run over there and he's down there sitting there looking
up at us going, ha ha ha.
And anyhow, you had to been there, though, because it looks so realistic because it looked
like he's right in the middle of the freeway.
It looked like where he jumped.
And look like something out of a movie.
Yeah.
It was crazy.
He didn't like that or I mean, I mean, I can't even count all the shit he did.
But anyhow, this one was really fun.
I call it fun with break rooms.
So Harry was a fantastic friend of mine and Rob's in my sweet youth.
Sadly is no longer with us.
Harry was one one guy that could out crazy me, like we said, if he wanted to.
But you know, sometimes Harry didn't feel like it.
And you go, you know, Harry's insane.
You just be like, calm, hey, what's up?
He had his moves.
Yes, he did.
And whatever he wasn't insane, we doubt how insane he was.
And he make us look like idiots.
Yeah.
I mean, it's bad when you can make Davey look bad.
Yeah.
Harry was the one guy that could out crazy me.
So him and I, Harry and I were going to get some night train.
Remember that stuff?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
The the horrible cheap rock up wine that's literally it was a buck twenty five a bottle.
Right.
And we didn't even drink it because it's cheap.
We drank it because the bottle looked horrible.
It had like a train fucking derailing and fucking blood everywhere.
And it was green.
We would be fucking gulping this shit down and they would just people be going, oh my
God, and we were like touted as the best stuff ever.
This stuff is delicious.
And anyhow, people drink it and like try to throw the bottle at us and shit.
Yeah.
You ever have a drink?
It's awesome.
Like, you don't like this.
You're insane.
This stuff was so it was so this stuff was so horrible that Guns N' Roses wrote a song
about it.
Yeah.
Yeah, they did.
Yeah.
So half the way to liquor aisle, Harry grabs my shirt and says, come on.
I'm like, huh, what?
What the fuck?
So he takes me to the back break room and this is a price chopper and we sit down with
the employees and they're all just sitting there like watching TV and talking to each
other.
Right.
Some of them have a snack.
Some have a full blown meal because it's their lunch break and stuff.
And Harry stands up and says to the break room, he goes, good day, everyone.
I'm Gilbert from corporate.
This is our new employee, Mark.
He will be taking over our GM duties starting next month.
And I get a round of applause for Mark.
Everyone applauded me and I'm just sitting there.
I'm liking it.
I'm liking a fucking Aussie shirt or something.
And I have.
Yeah.
And long hair.
And they're all clapping.
Hey, welcome, Mark.
Welcome.
You're going to like this store.
We're so friendly.
And I'm like astounded.
I'm like, huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes.
I can't wait to work with you people.
Not just saying shit like that, going, yeah, we're going to make this store the best, aren't
we?
And Harry's up there bragging on me and just talking all this shit.
Yeah.
And then we're going to come up with a new raise system.
We're going to figure out how to fairly compensate you guys.
And we have a lot of exciting things going on.
Like we've got a car program going on and all this shit to help you folks buy a car.
Yeah.
And they're all excited.
So I'm sitting there mortified.
I was actually speechless at first.
Everyone applauded me because they thought I was their new boss.
So they were kissing ass.
We were in t-shirts and jeans.
But the people didn't seem to notice that because when we walked in, Harry was so convinced
and forceful about it that no one questioned it.
So Harry walks around and gets everyone's name and tells them there's a gift card up
front for them at the end of their shift.
So Harry gets up and excuses us.
And I quickly get in front of him because I'm certain they're going to catch up with
us and like fucking hit us or something.
I was certain that someone was going to come in and go, we don't have a new GM.
Those guys are fucking lying.
We got our night train and we split laughing all the way fucking to Longview Lake.
We're going to Longview Lake to fucking slam the night train and fucking do stupid shit.
Harry down there laughing.
I can't believe it, man.
I said, you know what?
That's the belt and price chopper.
That's one to always go to.
I can't go there anymore.
So I had to start going to another store where the night train was higher because I was afraid
to go in there because they're going to go, there's a guy.
That's the guy that lied to us.
He said it was our new GM.
So I couldn't go in there anymore.
So next up, this is, I don't know, a couple of weeks later.
So next up, Harry and I went to HQ.
Yeah.
You remember HQ?
Yeah.
They were the first home improvement company.
Yeah.
They were before.
Yup.
They were before Home Depot and Lowe's.
Yeah.
And they were also up there near Bannister Mall on the other side of the bridge.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah, they were.
Yeah.
They had a few locations.
They had quite a few actually.
And then they bought Builder Square.
But when they bought Builder Square, they assumed so much debt that the whole company folded.
And then Home Depot came up and took a spot.
Yeah.
But we were in HQ.
And anyhow, so what we were doing is we were looking for plastic tubing to make dry ice
bombs.
So we're sitting there.
I know we didn't look like plumbers.
And people are very suspicious why we wanted plastic tubing.
So anyhow, we're sitting there.
We need some plastic tubing.
We got to replace some pipe and stuff.
And they're asking us all these questions.
We don't know how to answer it because we're not plumbers.
No, no, no.
We just need the regular casing.
I don't know.
You're talking about millimeter casing and thickness and the transitions and all this
stuff.
Yeah.
We just need some straight pipe.
That's all.
Yeah, we're just going to...
It goes in the ground.
So Harry, once again, he grabs my shirt and he says, come on.
And he found the store break room in the back.
Only this time there was free food and cake because a manager was leaving.
So Harry says to them that him and I were hired on to do maintenance.
We both got cake and burgers and hot dogs and told everybody that we would see them
the next day.
And anyhow, it was funnier than hell because no one questioned that either.
We're just like, yeah, we're scheduled to start tomorrow.
So we'll see you all.
We look forward to looking to you.
What's your name, Bill?
Okay.
Oh, Janet.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, you'll see us here.
I think we started, what, eight?
Harry's going, yeah, I think the schedule said eight o'clock.
And some guys over there looking at the wall going, I'll see you on the schedule.
Oh, well, it's going to be on the new rewritten one.
We just got hired.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
So, so, so we almost got busted.
So yeah, little did we know there's a schedule sitting right behind us.
Yeah.
So, so anyhow, that was pretty fucking funny.
And Harry used to do that shit.
That was only a couple of examples.
He used to do that shit all the time.
Yeah.
And, and he used to screw with Sam, the security guard with us at a, at a banister mall.
He used to screw.
Everybody screwed with Sam.
Oh, he used to jump up and kiss him in the lips.
Sam would get so mad.
Oh, I bet.
Oh, man.
Sam would get so fucking perturbed.
Oh, he gets so mad.
Here you go.
I love you.
I used to just run up behind him and goose him and keep running.
Yeah.
Oh, he just felt like a piss.
He couldn't catch it.
No, I don't.
He couldn't catch it.
Yeah.
He was awesome, man.
Yep.
I hope he knows in the afterlife how much fun we have talking about him.
Yes.
And his crazy shit.
Well, on one of your podcasts just recently, you started talking about how guys, more men
are age, are end in nostalgia.
Yes.
And that right there, my friend, is nostalgia, Sam.
Yes.
Yeah.
The stuff that we look at.
The stuff that we remember that nobody else would know, you know.
This is, that's why I called it my sweet childhood is because it was so much fun.
It was so magical.
Every day was a new experience.
We didn't have any type of duties at all, really.
All we really need to do is find a way to feed ourselves, brush our teeth, scrub our
asshole, try to make sure our clothes are clean, and then just go do whatever.
We go to work and everything.
We're responsible.
But, you know, it was, you know, we all had time to get our life together after that.
But we weren't the early birds on that.
We were the ones that were just having fun, just coasting through life for a while.
I didn't get hung up on, oh, I got to dedicate myself to this education.
I was like, you know what, I'll do that later.
Right now, I'm going to have some fucking fun.
I want better hands on anyway.
Oh, me too.
Me too.
That's why I was always, I was a trade school guy.
I was never a college guy.
I was always on the job training.
But I, you know, if I, if I do an old job, I made more than most of the people that I
knew that went to college.
The two people I know that made more money than anyone that we knew that went to college
was my friend Brian that we started the lawn business, you know, and he does very well
at it.
Oh yeah, Brian, Brian.
Yeah, yeah, yep.
And he still does the lawn business and he's got a big tree business.
He does very well.
He did not go to college.
No, no he didn't.
Yeah.
And me, I didn't go to college.
And I used to make a pile of money at my old job, but I'm glad I'm no longer there for
a lot of reasons.
In my opinion, they're horrible people and I'm glad I'm out of there.
I mean, you know, and they were sent sold and there's a lot of people there that I still
care about that I worry about because they're going to do them the same way they did me
in my opinion.
I think that I was done very dirty because I was older.
I got a new knee and a hurt shoulder and they thought they're going to find these young
guys just come in and do it.
Guess what they did?
None of them worked out.
They still don't have anyone to do their dirty shit.
Meanwhile, I'm in another place doing fantastic.
Already supervising, already doing all these duties, all these duties that have been allotted
to me right off the bat, all the trust in doing so well and anyhow, you know, I'd thank
them if they meant it well, but they didn't.
They're only looking out.
They're only being greedy.
So I'm not going to thank them, but I'm going to thank God that I'm where I'm at.
But not them.
So, yeah, so those people can keep being greedy pieces of shit.
That that bald headed piece of shit boss that was behind it all, he's going to get what
he he gets.
Besides that, I know some stuff.
A lot of people know some stuff.
Isn't that right?
Isn't that right, buddy?
I hope you listen to this.
Yeah, anyhow.
So anyhow, enough of that.
So you said that you had some stuff you wanted to go into.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got down a few things.
You were on some different.
In 2010, in Tokyo, Tokyo officials congratulate the oldest man in the city on his 11th birthday.
They instead found his skeletal remains in his bed.
He'd been dead for 30 years and they've been taking the pitch and.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, he'd been laying in the bed for 30 years.
I just I just found that funny.
Well, that Overland Park, Overland Park, Kansas, you know, pretty fairly wealthy, right?
Yeah, pretty affluent area.
OK, suburb of Kansas City, just a few miles from where I live, not very far.
Some people's grandfather, I believe, been dead for seven years, collected Social Security
and they got a tip that he was in there dead.
They've been collecting Social Security for him for seven years and they had him like
in a closet or something.
Oh, I believe it.
How do you do that?
Don't don't they stink like hell?
Don't you always like, oh, my God, one of these days, someone's going to come in here
and like, grandpapa is going to like fall out of the closet and they're going to go,
oh, shit, you know.
I don't know.
Greed's a weird deal.
Neighbors would smell something.
Yeah.
There's neighbors.
Yeah.
There's mailmen.
Yeah, yeah.
There's people, gas meter people, you know, all these people that have to get kind of
personal with your house.
And you mean to tell me that nobody could fucking.
Yeah, anyhow.
Well, but then again, you know what?
A lot of people probably don't get involved.
I get it.
You know, they think, man, then I'm going to have to go to court and I'm going to probably
be involved in this court case for three years so they stay out of it.
Yeah.
Wow.
That's crazy.
You got something else?
Oh, scientists did turn tequila into diamonds.
Really?
By heating it to 800 degrees Celsius.
No kidding.
Yeah.
800 degrees Celsius is, let me think.
Yeah, that's pretty damn hot.
Yeah, I think about 600 Fahrenheit.
600 degrees.
Yeah, somewhere around there.
Wow.
That's pretty cool.
Yeah, well, a clear liquid, you know, you heated it, it turned into a solid at one point.
Yeah.
Well, you know, the price of diamonds, well, diamonds aren't really, they're still valued,
but not as much as they were because there's people that make diamonds now that you can't
tell the difference.
The only reason you can tell that they're fake diamonds is because they're perfect.
Right.
Yeah.
And that's the only thing that gives them ways.
Yeah, yeah.
But the ones they're making are too perfect.
And so that's the only way they can tell is they're actually better than the real diamonds.
Wow.
Yeah.
And they start mass producing them, the price of a diamond is going to just fucking fall,
I think.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, maybe that's totally been a problem.
Here's another thing too.
I was talking to Sean, my friend at work, and he's going to call me tomorrow, hopefully,
and hopefully we'll do a little podcast there too because he has some really interesting
subjects.
I think you'll like to listen to this.
Some of the subjects that he came up with is really good.
And the stuff that you're coming up with is really good.
And I think I'm going to have like a little rotation of different people and do this because
I like bringing in other points of view.
I love your point of view and what you're thinking, what Sean does.
But we were talking about this and I brought this up to him because he was talking about
diamonds and how they make them too perfect.
And we're talking about the price of gold plummeted and different reasons.
Well, here's what I've always said.
People always say, investing gold, investing gold, because what if everything goes to hell?
If everything goes to hell, don't you want lithium batteries and canned food?
What are you going to do with gold?
I've never gotten that.
I'm like, I'm not buying gold because what the fuck are you going to do with it if shit
hits the fan?
Yeah, then it's not going to be worth anything.
The whole name of the game is stay alive and try to figure something out.
Survival.
Yeah.
So you're going to want like lithium batteries.
You're going to want different forms of energy.
You want it like solar.
You want to figure out how to live a life that you can live fairly comfortably after
shit hits the fan.
Ways to get food or ways to have food, hydrated, dehydrated food, all this stuff.
I've never gotten the gold craze.
As a matter of fact, I think people use that as a crutch to try to sell gold.
I think they do too.
Yeah, because I think it's like, well, this is something that's going to only go up in
value and never lose value.
Well, if the world goes to shit, it has no value.
I'm sorry.
That can of beans has value.
Because you're going to eat that son of a bitch and feel better about everything.
Yeah, for a rock you can go down to the river and find.
Yes.
Yeah.
Or in a cave.
Yeah.
So I've always contended that.
I'm like, why the fuck do you want gold?
You know what you want?
Yeah.
You want a surplus of fucking Pepsi somewhere too, right?
That way you can have like a little fucking nice beverage.
You want a surplus of beer somewhere too, right?
Yeah, I'm more RC these days.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's yeah, me too.
I love RC.
I've been on RC for a while now.
Yeah.
It's a great tasting drink.
I drink more Pepsi or the sodas more in the morning and then the afternoon made the tea.
And I noticed my stomach isn't as upset.
Yeah, I know the citric acid and the.
Yeah.
And all the acidity.
And you guys did a podcast on that too.
Yeah.
Coke and Pepsi and RC is like right in between.
Yeah.
And then I drink RC growing up, you know, and everybody did our age.
Well, the reason I remember it is you probably listen to the podcast is they retro the cans
back to the cans when we were young.
Yes, they did.
Yeah.
And I want to buy it again.
My 18 year old son hooked on it.
Yeah.
Pepsi all his life.
It's fantastic.
It's a fantastic soda that had been forgotten about because they changed the can and the
can was very unbecoming.
It was really dark blue, but it had an RC that was like really not that legible.
It wasn't the classic round symbol with the famous RC in the middle.
It was an RC.
RC stands for Royal Crown Cola.
Right, right.
And it's a fantastic drink.
And I suggest everybody try it at least once.
And there's a soda pop machine down at the City Market that I like.
It's called KC Soda Company and they have real sugar RC at times in bottles.
And that stuff is freaking delicious.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
I remember buying those as a kid.
Yeah.
I take my mom mowing money and I can buy whatever snack I wanted and soda and keep it in my
room.
Yeah.
As long as I paid for it.
Yeah.
No, me and Brian had a dynasty around Cleveland there on the lawns.
Him and I were getting all the lawns because we were the go getters.
And so finally we formed a pact.
We just did the lawns together and split the money.
It was funny because then you had someone to talk to and bullshit with and hang out
with while you're mowing.
And one day Brian comes up to me and goes, you know, you and I have all the lawns in
the town.
I'm like, yeah.
Let's join forces and get all the lawns and then we'll get all the money and we'll have
fun doing it.
I'm like, you're fucking genius, Brian.
Let's do that.
And look at him today.
Yeah.
Look at him.
He's doing fantastic.
I just talked to him this morning.
He's wanting to book a cruise and he knows that I know all about cruises.
So I hooked him up with a good friend of mine that I mentioned her before.
She bailed me out of some shit on my last cruise because Southwest is a fucking evil
company and they suck ass in my opinion.
Wendy Whitbeck with Travel Masters.
Look her up the best.
She saved my ass on Southwest screwing me as hard as they could and no lube.
So yeah, she is an awesome person too.
Had many drinks with her on the boat.
So anyhow, I would say if you have plans.
Yeah, Val was there.
Yes, absolutely.
Yep.
You think she's going to let me go do anything like that on my own?
You guys have been together too long.
Yeah.
Oh no.
Yeah.
It's like, no way Buster.
There's RC right there.
I'm drinking.
It's good shit.
You know.
I'm on I'm on to you right now.
Oh, that's all right.
There's nothing wrong with that.
And you obviously don't work tomorrow, do you?
No, I'm actually off paid tomorrow.
Yeah, I'm off tomorrow too and paid for Memorial Day.
And I have these big beef short ribs that I'm going to slightly braise and then smoke.
And I'm hoping by tomorrow about 4pm those things you can almost put your thumb through
them.
Oh, wow.
I'm going to make.
I've got a I've got a hickory tenderloin.
Yeah.
Mm hmm.
I've got this this was an old recipe that I handed down to me from this old black gentleman
that I knew.
He's a really, really good guy.
He told me one day, he said, Mark, he said, I got the best barbecue sauce around for basting.
And he said, it's my own family recipe.
And he said it came back from way back in the slave days.
He said they have to make they had to make that bullshit that the that the plantation
owners gave us taste good.
He said, here it is.
And I found that recipe that he gave me.
And I'm going to put some of that on there.
And that shit is fucking fantastic.
Yeah.
He's a really good guy.
Miss him.
He's a he always had some wisdom that you could always use every day.
If you just listen to him, if you bothered to stop and talk to him, you got a lot out
of a lot of people just thought he's some old fool.
I love them older gentlemen.
Yeah.
They get a lot out of the two wisdom right there.
If you want, if you wish to get information and find out about everything and really the
key to life, talk to an old man that's sitting on his porch.
Yeah.
They will tell you everything because they figured it out.
They're sitting on that porch, loving life.
They figured it out.
They've made it through.
Yes.
Yep.
And Clifford down the road, he used to do that, too.
Oh my God.
He'd go out there and he'd always stay busy.
Like he'd build shit.
He'd build a rock garden.
He'd build a rock fence, all this stuff because he was bored in his off time.
He liked to stay busy.
Then towards the end of the evening when he was getting ready to go in and go to bed,
he'd sit out in his little porch there.
I'd just come up.
What's the word Clifford?
And he'd just start talking.
One day he showed me all these old LPs, old Western, country Western LPs.
They were so cool.
He was describing to me where he got them at, where he got them out, what they were.
He played some of them for me.
That was so cool.
He goes, yeah, he goes, listen to this one.
This guy is this guy.
He grew up in Western Kansas.
Anyhow, he played the banjo better than anybody.
Like he's telling some other stories like this guy could play the fiddle, but he could
not keep time.
If this guy plays on his own, he's fantastic, but he could not play in a band.
He just had all this information about music, about country Western music, the real stuff,
and all these old obscure albums that you could not find anymore.
It was so cool.
I used to just sit out there and just listen to him.
He'd just start talking.
I'd stay there for hours talking to him.
Stuff like that that I treasure is sadly gone away.
Sure.
Anyhow, let's get to one of my pranks.
Sure.
All right.
There's another one of Mark's famous pranks.
In high school, we had two men's restrooms, right?
There is a small school.
One on the east side.
Yeah, yours was a little smaller than mine.
Quite a bit smaller.
One on the east side and one on the west side.
The one on the west side was very dim.
It was an add-on and had a very odd lighting system.
It consisted of lights on the corners, but no overhead center lights.
I think it was done on the cheap because the builders forwent any more wiring to add to
the cost.
I think they just kept a light on each side and you couldn't really see yourself peeing
that well or nothing.
There's probably a lot of dribble marks everywhere, I would imagine.
This being the case, I witnessed a prank at the Kansas City Zoo.
It had a fantastic idea.
The zoo's bathroom at the time had urinals, but it was the opposite in there.
It had a partial opening.
Remember those partial opening bathrooms at the zoo?
Yeah.
There wouldn't be a roof in the middle of it.
There were cinder block buildings that basically had a couple of toilets and a couple of urinals.
The light coming in, the zoo's bathroom had urinals.
The opening in the roof, the sun was so bright it was hard to see the urinal, so it was the
opposite of the one in school.
I was washing my hands, but I heard a scream followed by cursing and someone jumping around
angry.
I looked over and someone had cellophane the urinal.
You couldn't see it because with the angle when you walked in at the sunlight, you could
not see it for nothing.
It just looked like a regular urinal.
It was like fishing line.
Yes.
Yep.
It was wrapped in cellophane and no one could see it.
The poor bastard went to piss only to have his urine splashed all over him.
I was amazed at what a fantastic prank.
What a fantastic idea.
I come into school with this fantastic idea, but I would need accomplices.
I'm like, shit.
I go, you know what?
I really need to cellophane that middle urinal where it's really, really dark.
I really need to cellophane that bitch, but I don't know how I'm going to do it.
So Jerry was doing a janitor internship for a week as part of career week.
So I'm like going, hmm, I bet you Jerry know where there's some cellophane.
And furthermore, I think Jerry would help me fucking put that bitch on.
Well I was right.
So I told Jerry this evil idea and he quickly replied, we have cellophane in the supply
room for the kitchen.
Score.
So suddenly my brilliant idea was coming to fruition.
Jerry grabbed some of the said plastic and stashed it behind the storage bin in the closet
of the dim bathroom.
So it's already sitting there in the storage room, already waiting to go into action.
Jerry was a lookout when I sprang into evilness.
I quickly wrapped the urinal and put it back in its hiding spot.
So the cellophane was back in the closet and the urinal was all tightly wrapped.
And like I thought, you could not see it because the light was so dim.
I was helping Jerry in the hallway acting like we were trying to fix the roller broom.
Remember those old roller brooms they used to go over the mats with?
We acted like one was broke and we're sitting there going, hmm, ha, ha, looking at it and
scratching our heads.
When the principal decided he actually wanted to use the boys bathroom instead of his own.
So we'll just call him Mr. X, OK?
Because I don't want to get real names involved in this, even to this day.
Mr. X went in there to use the bathroom.
He comes in, howdy, boys.
He used to always say, howdy, boys.
And he talked real fast because, howdy, boys.
So you guys are trying to fix something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We think we got it, Mr. X. All right.
Hey, thanks a lot, boys.
We appreciate that.
And he's already zipping out his zipper as he's walking in the pisser, right?
Well, yeah.
All of a sudden, we hear a scream.
And next thing we know, he comes out of there all fucking wet.
And he first questioned us.
And we're like, what?
What the fuck are you doing?
You know, we didn't say fuck.
We're like, what are you talking about?
And we played it off perfectly.
We're like, what do you mean?
What do you mean it's wrapped?
He goes, someone wrapped the urinal.
What?
With a bow?
No, no, no, with plastic.
And we're sitting there like, we played dumb so well that.
The dumber you play, the better you play it off.
Yeah, yeah.
And then finally, he gets frustrated.
And he walks off.
And he's bound and determined to find out who did it.
He put an APB out.
But he never did find out who did it because we were the ones that did it.
And he already X'd us off because we played too stupid.
And that was a fantastic prank.
And Harry wasn't at the school yet when we did that one.
So anyhow.
May your mother come to talk to you.
And leave your door slightly ajar so that you may have to get up and close it.
Oh Lord, that man just sawed a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry.
I have a clown nose.
Oh no!
That drunk guy just hit my child!
It's okay.
I have a clown nose.
Clown nose, just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office?
Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
Hey, where did they go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.
You know what?
Thanks for watching!