Live from the city market, it is Toot Toot Spags and Microphone Podcast.
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This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Toot Toot Spags and Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma's been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
Well, guess they finally figured out the microphone, idiots.
Hey there, everybody. Two douchebags, one microphone, minus one douchebag.
We hope he will be back soon, but he's got some stuff going on.
You know, he got kidnapped, and the pale people are really adamant about training him to love pale.
So we all pray for him, and we all want a moment of silence for Topher, starting right now.
Sends the music. Okay, well, like I said, Topher is battling the pale people.
We're working hard to try to find them. We have law enforcement all over it, and we're looking everywhere.
And the hashtag, where's Christopher? That's the new one.
Hashtag, where's Topher? That's what we need.
We need more awareness that Topher is being tortured by watching pale videos, and they're trying to brainwash men to liking pale.
This is only the start of it. We're trying to take over the world, people. So, anyhow, I warned you.
Okay, I'm going to start off with an interesting little segment here I've been wanting to do a while, and that is intelligent...
What would you say? Gentle insults, whenever someone insults you.
And then usually responses, oh, fuck you, or shut up, asshole, or something like that.
There's other ways to handle it, and I did a little research here, and I love some of these ways people handle it whenever they get dogged on, or make fun of, or whatever.
So, one of them is, after someone insults you, saying, fuck you, eat you, you're a kid, you lack so much brain matter that you float on water.
That was a pretty good one. If Topher was here, he'd be laughing his ass off on that.
But maybe I need to get a little sound bite of Topher laughing, and I just like going in here everywhere, and people won't notice I'm gone as much.
So, the next one is, I'm like, hey man, you're a little dick, or whatever, or you're so ugly you broke my mirror five blocks away, or whatever.
Then you could go back in very gentle voice, I'd insult you, but then I would have to explain it afterward.
So, never mind. I love that one. That one just, that's really, it gets to the point, and is like really piercing.
And anyone that knows anything, any type of intelligence at all, knows that you just own that guy, and there's no way he can really recover from that.
He's not prepared, he doesn't have one of these written down, and memorized, or nothing like you do.
So, therefore, you won, and you walk off looking like the intelligent one, and he walks off looking like the drooling skit he is.
So, okay, the next one is, and I've heard this one before, but I'm going to go over it again, but someone comes up and,
hey, you're a fucking idiot, man, look at that, you got weird shoes.
Okay, then you go back to them. I don't have time or crayons to explain it to you.
I've always liked that one. You can see him over there looking like a fucking disheveled, I don't know, small animal or something, trying to crayon something, trying to draw something.
So, that's a pretty good one, and I like it. And once again, there's not really any, there might be some retaliation for that one, but not much.
Most of the times, you know, they fucking take their ball and they go home.
So, another one, I've heard this one before too, but I love it because it brings other family members into it without really kind of bringing them into it.
But anyhow, you're really still insulting the core and not like their mama or something, but I love your mama jokes. They've had their time, right?
So, anyhow, so someone comes up and goes, hey, you're a dickface. You look at them very calmly and go, in what way are your parents related to each other?
That was great because that's a good way of calling them mentally special without actually saying it and kind of making fun of their parents without actually dogging them really bad.
It's the perfect crime. I love it. So, that one's a good one.
This next one is kind of involved, but you've got to make sure you're prepared to say this because it's not, and I'll probably screw it up saying it too.
So, someone comes up and goes, you're a dickface. You walk in and then you want to go in a very calm voice.
In what way are your...oh, see, I knew I'd screw it up. Oh no, a commercial. Hang on.
Okay, so this one right here is...well, I'll just say it and I'm going to try not to screw it up because this one right here makes him think about it and realize how insulted they just were.
But it takes a minute for him to catch up with it. And so after he goes, like I said, he comes up and goes, dickface or something, you know nothing.
In fact, you know less than nothing because if you knew that, you would know nothing and that would be something.
Yeah, a little complex there, but I stopped there to let it sink in what I just said because it does take a second.
So I'll go over it again. You know nothing. In fact, you know less than nothing because if you knew that you knew nothing, that would be something.
I love that.
Alright, next one, the guy comes up and goes, you look stupid or you dress funny or whatever.
So, okay, you drink from a weird straw. I don't know, something. So anyhow, you won't be able to get a diamond as a prostitute on one half price day.
That was pretty neat. I like that one a lot.
And this next one I really, really love.
What contraceptive do you use? Your face?
Someone comes up and goes, you're a dickhead or you're a fucking face or you're a great job idiot or something or you trip or something.
Does anybody make fun of you?
Break out what contraceptive do you use? Your face?
You won that one. You won that one? All you gotta do is wipe off your hands and go home.
This next one is great. I love it.
With God reigned beauty on the earth, you were holding an umbrella.
I love that one. That one is a classic automatically.
Automatically I think that one in the You Knew Nothing goes into the Hall of Fame of intelligent, what would you call, calm jokes.
I would call them calm insults.
Like someone comes up to you all erratically and goes, hey, great job, book face.
And then you reply very calmly with that. You won it. And there's no way they can recuperate from it.
So the next one I really love too, because this is another one of those ones that brings other family members into it without actually really dogging them, but kind of.
So it's not like quite your mama joke where it's like directly making fun of your mama's weight or whatever.
But at the same time, it's bringing them in. So anyhow, someone comes up and goes, you're a dickhead.
And you go, you should see your parents for looking like that.
I love that one. That one's fantastic.
And again, I got a million of these and periodically you're going to be getting segments of these here and there because they're great.
I love them.
The next one's really good. And this one's a little bit more up to date.
Anyhow, someone comes up and goes, ah man, you trip over your own shadow.
So anyhow, take a picture, you would put a virus on my phone.
That one's fantastic too.
Because, well, that pretty much says it all. I mean, you're so ugly, you put a virus on my phone.
So anyhow, yeah, I love that one.
So all those point through all of those. I'm going to go ahead and cut off those and go into a slightly different one.
And this is alternative insults. And alternative insults, I mean, really, I kind of got the idea.
I mean, Topher got the idea for this because part of this and then part of, you know, sometimes you're in a public setting and you can't really, you know, say something really rude or offensive.
So you've got to come up with something different to get the point across.
So.
The alternative insults. The first one I got is jock itch.
That's pretty self explanatory. You got jock itch and you are a bumming, bumming motherfucker.
There is nothing cool about jock itch or even humane.
If you ever really hate someone, you wish bad jock itch on them.
I mean, really hate. I mean, like hate, hate. Like the darkest, blackest of hate found in the depth of hell.
That is where calling someone jock itch comes from.
So the next one is and I love this one because it's just describes like a slob to me.
Home is sausage casing. That's right. Plain old sausage casing.
Yep. So your intestines wrapped around ground up meat from the same animal.
Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. Yeah. That describes quite the picture, doesn't it?
Next one is more of a pain in the ass than anything else.
So this one's just like, you know, an alternative insult for calling someone a pain in the ass.
And that is dry cartridge.
You know, you're like printing stuff off your boarding passes, right?
And you got one of them, but you don't have your wife's done yet.
So you go back to your wife's and all of a sudden ink dry. No more.
So then before you go out of town, you have to go buy another ink cartridge.
You got to find out what kind they are because chances are it's a new printer.
Because every time you run out of ink, you just buy a new printer anymore because they're just as cheap as buying the refills.
Unless you buy one of those new Epson refillable ones that you just take a bottle of ink and throw it in there.
And you're screwed. So that one, the dry cartridge one is more of a pain in the ass.
You get away.
So next one, empty vessel.
Empty vessel can be anything.
It could be a propane container to, I don't know, a submarine.
It just means nothing in there.
Kind of describes their brain matter or something, their head.
Empty vessel. Nothing in there.
So the next one is, I love it.
And this is an irritant. This is more of a, don't get away from me. You're fucking bothering me.
Heat blister.
Heat blister is awesome.
Heat blister is about as irritating as it comes.
It's like in the line of Jock Itch and Jock Itch is fucking horrible.
And anyone that's ever had it knows what I mean.
I mean, it's like one of those moments where you wonder why you're being punished.
You know, even though God doesn't work like that, but you know, man, why?
Why did this happen?
So heat blisters suck and so did the person who just called a heat blister.
In all these, you've got to say with authority, you can't just go, Jock Itch, sausage casing.
You've got to go, Jock Itch, sausage casing, heat blister, dry cartridge.
I still love that one. Empty vessel. That's a good one too.
So anyhow, they're all good.
Next one.
Typo.
Typo sucks because you print something out.
I do this all the time. I'm printing something out for the show because I prefer it in print because it's easier for me to read.
My ineligible handwriting. It's not easy for me to read.
I can write it down, but I can't decode it for shit.
So anyhow, I prefer it in typing and then I still screw it up, but maybe not as bad.
Even though you never know because I screw it up so bad it seems like it's as bad as I could screw it up.
But no, trust me. I could screw it up worse. And I have and I will.
So Typo is a pretty good one because it's so bad.
You go back and you read the whole article. You just typed out so you can say it in your words instead of CNNs or whoever's.
You know, so it also sounds more like me saying it and not like a news service because that's part of what, to me, that's part of what relaying the stupid stories that we cover here on 2 Deuce Bags Microphone.
Part of relaying it is bringing it down to just, I don't know, layman's terms. Just like, you know.
So anyhow, let's see.
The next one is Hamster Toy.
Hamster Toy is pretty explanatory too.
You're like a toy that hamsters play with.
So, yeah.
That probably, to me, describes like a mental midget or something. You know, you're just in there and the hamster's messing with you.
There's nothing you can do about it because you're that primitive.
You know, like inanimate object primitive.
Like nothing going on. Like empty. Like an empty vessel. Only you're a hamster toy.
An hamster comes by, chews on you, and like, I don't know. Whatever hamsters do, scratch or I don't know, whatever.
So, the next one I love too because they're very simplistic and just there to serve their purpose.
A squirrel cage.
So you walk up to someone and they're like, man, you're a squirrel cage.
They don't even say you're a squirrel cage.
Not at least you're like over there scratching their head going, squirrel cage?
Uh, okay.
I mean, you can let go. Please don't call me that again.
But I mean, by that point, people are laughing at you thinking you're a sissy because, uh, I don't know.
It's not like a real insult. Like, I don't know.
But anyhow, it still gets point across and it's great.
Next one, this one's horrible because everybody hates him and everybody's had him.
Soggy bandage.
There's another one that you don't say you're a. You just go, soggy bandage.
I'm really digging this music, whatever the hell it is.
Well, I mean, it's non-copyrighted so, whether it fits what I'm doing or not, that's what you're getting.
So, soggy bandage gets point across to me and it's irritating and it does serve a purpose though.
So, I guess it's more of an irritant. So, if you call someone a soggy bandage, you might as well call them, like, I don't know, a fly or something.
So, next one is a good old server error.
So, then again, this is another one that you're calling someone an irritant instead of an inanimate object.
Server error describes everything.
Oops, try again.
So, I love that one.
The next one's kind of an innuendo and I love it too.
You just call someone a Lincoln log and you don't put A in front of you, just point at the Lincoln log.
So, Lincoln log is pretty much, you know, it could be Lincoln's dump.
It could be the actual food that people make on their countertop.
It could be his log cabin that the log said he built with his log cabin because they all left their log cabins back in.
So, it could be anything, but none of them are that good.
So, I prefer to think of it as a big, long, ashy piece of crap.
A Lincoln log.
Like one when he just got done going to a pig roast.
Yeah, so.
And drinking one of those, what the hell do they call them?
All those drinks they did back then when they fired them, they stone fired them.
A loggerhead or something like that or a loggerfuel.
No, loggerhead.
I think it's a loggerhead, anyhow.
Yeah, after drinking like 10 of those and eating half of a pig.
So, next one is wire feed welder.
And the reason I say wire feed welder is because anyone that's big welded before has, when they're learning, they get that fucking,
they call them pecker tracks all over them.
It is nasty looking.
Little, they're essentially hot wire grips on the piece of metal that you're trying to fuse weld together.
So, anyhow, wire feed welder is good and nasty.
Next one is shaved ice.
Shaved ice is pretty much what it sounds like.
Shaved ice.
It's not real ice, it's shaved ice.
And then, did my music run out?
No, I don't think so.
Unless there's another commercial.
No, okay, it's still my music.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, I was on shaved ice.
Security briefing.
Yeah, yeah, that's pretty explanatory.
Nobody wants to go through one, but you got to go through it for whatever.
Whether it's you're at the TSA or, I don't know, applying for a job or whatever.
Security briefing suck and we know it.
And last but not least, rock salt.
That's right, good old rock salt.
Yeah, put a little rock salt on your shoe, see how much you like that shit.
Yeah.
So rock salt is horrible and also a great way to offend somebody without actually saying
a filthy word.
So, that's what I'm going into is Tyreek Hill.
Remember that guy?
Yeah, that good old Tyreek.
That old lovable little guy.
Well anyhow, I guess this happened, I don't know, a few weeks ago.
A man asked Tyreek Hill to sign a football trading card of him with a cheese when he
promptly replied, oh, the queefs.
As you can imagine when this was videoed and posted on Twitter, it immediately got spontaneous
feedback.
Some of the more clever ones were, call them whatever you want, but make sure you put a
Super Bowl champs in front of it.
In other words, oh my, someone is upset the chiefs didn't miss a beat without him.
You know, I'm getting Tyreek is always inserting himself into the chiefs conversation.
Dude, build a bridge and get over it.
Yo, they have said nothing but positive things about you.
I can't count how many people, Travis Kelce, Mahomes, I think Chris Jones is always joking
with you.
You know, they obviously loved you.
Why would you go and turn your back on them like this?
You know, you didn't have to leave.
The money was virtually the same and you would have another Super Bowl ring and you've been
loved and revered.
But I mean, the fact that we did better without you probably really set, I don't know, really
kind of irritated the piss out of you.
But you know, sometimes you got to take things for what they are, you know.
People get replaced and places are usually fine.
I mean, unless it's like a really very important position like a nuclear reactor, I don't know,
engineer, like might be the only one that knows how to do certain things or something
like that, you know, you're usually okay.
It takes a little learning curve, but the chiefs didn't even need a learning curve.
And I understand that that bothers you.
But you know, why take it out on the chiefs?
All they do is constantly throw love your way and you're always throwing shade on them
and saying stuff.
I mean, it just really doesn't come out very good for you.
What you need to do is act like you meant to and just keep going forward.
You know, that's the best thing to do is be like, you know what, I'm here and I wanted
to be in Miami and I love this team and I believe in us and we're going to go far next
year and we hope we see the chiefs, you know, in the championship game.
We would love to see that.
And I'm going to put my best foot forward, try to ensure that we're in the Super Bowl.
But don't just sit there and say the queefs.
That's still low budget, especially, you know, on national media and national, a national
podium like Twitter.
You know, I go back to like what Trump used to do.
You know, Trump would like ridicule and make fun of people on Twitter.
And how well did that work out for him?
Not very.
It made him I mean, that may not have been the only reason that made him lose the presidency.
And I kind of feel that if he would have not done that, there's a lot of people that wouldn't
have turned on him so much.
So I mean, evidently, a lot of people voted for him the first time and not vote for him
the second time.
And I think a lot of it is because he couldn't keep his mouth shut on Twitter.
And I think it's the same with Tyree Hill.
You know, at first, people respect him, but wow, leaving a Super Bowl contender for an
iffy, OK, you know, well, that takes a lot of guts, guy.
You must really believe in the organization, the coach and everything or something.
But you do this makes it look like you did a reactionary move and now you regret it.
It's like, I don't know, like calling someone like calling, I don't know, your girlfriend
the C word or something.
You could never take it back.
You know, all of a sudden, everyone's kind of like looking at you like, oh, you just
crossed the line.
That's kind of what you did, Tyree.
If I were you, I'd just like start calming it down and just saying I wish the Chiefs
well and I wish us even better.
Well, and just call it that.
And you left, you left on your own accord and be good with it.
You know, walk around proud.
Don't walk around jaded and pissed off.
Anyhow, that's my thought on that.
Hey, everybody, this is Mark.
I just wanted to speak here about the eight new electric vehicles without AM radio.
Now, people may not think this isn't a big deal or anything, but actually it is.
AM radio is the only way that all emergency broadcasts are carried out.
There is no other platform that you can be guaranteed that this is how you're going to
get emergency information.
That is AM radio.
And AM radio, you know, maybe people are going, well, you know, you want to hear talk radio
that's on AM.
You can always go to the Internet and you'll be fine.
But the Internet is not always compliant with any emergency broadcast system.
And I think them doing this is a complete mistake.
And I think actually there might be some legislation coming up that might make them actually
start putting AM radios back in these electric vehicles.
And, you know, it doesn't make a lot of sense, especially since the president is pushing
these electric vehicles and the electric agenda, why they would leave out such an important
note like AM radio.
You know, AM radio may be the old grandfather that everybody forgot about, but AM radio
is more important than FM radio.
FM radio is being forgotten about on the same level as AM radio, actually.
All radio is.
The future is actually old technology and it's right here on the Internet.
Podcasts.
Everyone seems to be getting their information from podcasts.
And that's not going to do you any good if any emergency comes up.
So, so anyhow, and you may not be listening to AM radio anyhow, but it's let's say you
go to a station, you heard something really bad going on, like, I don't know, there's
been an explosion in D.C. or something.
Then you go to AM radio and start listening about it.
You're not guaranteed that FM would carry it, but you can guarantee that if you have
AM radio, you can go on it.
And actually, if you know your AM stations, you can probably go online and listen to them
online, too.
But still, anyone that doesn't have the capability or I don't know the I think everyone has like
unlimited plans now.
But let's say you don't have the gig or whatever to to receive this information.
Well, you know, if you don't have AM radio, you're screwed.
So that's just my thought on it, and I thought it was very peculiar that we'd leave out something
like that, especially since all the emergency everything is on AM radio.
So this is Mark.
And I just thought I'd bring that up and thought that was rather peculiar that they would leave
out such a thing.
Not responsible for greasy residue left on your Bluetooth.
No, no, no.
Hi, everybody.
This is Mark.
And I have another quick hits for you.
This is Bentonville, Arkansas, is testicle festival.
It's true.
Look it up.
August 24th and 25th, 26th and 27th, 2023 at the Benton County Fairgrounds 7640 Southwest
Regional Airport Boulevard, Bentonville, Arkansas.
Yeah.
So this is pretty much what you think it is.
It is a festival about testicles.
And it says right here, we've made some exciting changes since last year.
We're moving toward a BYOB model to avoid the governmental headaches.
We ran into with the ABC and bring you the best testicle festival possible.
This August, you're invited back to an even bigger, better party.
When the freedom to host activities like ladies oil wrestling, room for a wild fun weekend.
Come camp with us and bring a cooler full of favorite beer.
We've got great live music, food trucks and plenty of friars to keep the balls flowing.
Who are stickers early?
Ten bucks for the entire weekend.
The scheduled Thursday, 11 a.m.
Camper loading arrival registration begins.
Six p.m. Testicle Festival opens for general admission.
Six p.m. Lydie Cornhole registration begins.
Six p.m. The dirty strings.
Seven thirty Lydie Cornhole tournament begins.
Eight o'clock small bonfire.
Eight o'clock Eureka strings.
Ten p.m. Mountain Sprout.
Friday, 11 a.m. Testicle Festival opens for general admission.
12 p.m. Dusty Smith.
One p.m. Timmy Ray.
Two p.m. Tennessee Dreaming.
Three p.m. Joe Tyler.
Four p.m. Philip Good.
Five p.m. Thai March.
Six p.m. Undy 800.
Six thirty Magnificent Mullets of Lundell.
Eight p.m. Medium Bonfire.
Eight p.m. Dusty Black.
Nine thirty Best Beard Contest.
Ten p.m. Brian Martin.
Twelve a.m. Campfire Time.
Saturday, 10 a.m. Testicle Festival opens for general admission.
Eleven a.m. Austin Tolliver.
Twelve thirty Truck and Motorcycle Show starts.
One p.m. Cypress Spring.
Two thirty Ball Eating Contest.
Three p.m. Dusty Lee.
Four thirty p.m. Wet T-Shirt Contest.
Five p.m. Justin Champagne.
Six thirty Topless Sacrace.
Seven p.m. Charlie Farley.
Eight p.m. Large Bonfire.
Eight thirty p.m. Ladies Oil Wrestling.
Ten p.m. Who T.F. Is Just in Time.
Twelve a.m. Campfire Time.
Sunday, Ball Throwing Contest.
Oh my god. Let's see what it says.
There's Wet T-Shirt Contest.
There's Topless Sacrace.
Ladies Oil Wrestling.
Ball Throwing Contest.
Don't worry about your balls. We'll remain intact.
Whether you call them Rocky Mountain Oysters,
Cowboy Caviar, Tender Groin, or simply Bulls Balls,
we've ordered a metric ton of Bull Balls,
and they'll be served all weekend long.
Come partake in this Midwest delicacy.
Wow. This is insane. I can't believe it. Let's see. Gosh.
See what else I can find here.
Tank cabin, ninety-nine bucks for the whole thing.
Electric tent campsite, one hundred and forty-nine dollars.
RV camping, one hundred and ninety-nine.
Electric RV, two ninety-nine.
Electric water RV campsite, three forty-nine.
All right. You have to do the reservations for all of that in advance.
A weekend pass is twenty-nine bucks.
Grab a shirt. Oh wow. Yeah. Let's see.
Come to the Tesco Festival, and you can buy a shirt for thirty-nine bucks.
A T-shirt. All right. Well, okay.
Anyhow, that's pretty much about it from the Tesco Festival.
I just had to share this with you because it's fucking funny.
All right. Someone said they have Tesco Festivals everywhere,
but I have not seen one until I found this one.
A friend of mine sent it to me, and I was like, huh?
So, anyhow, there you go. Be seeing you.
A broadcast reporter has been charged with making a prank call
using the South Dakota's Governor Christine Noem's personalized cell phone number.
I would, it does, from what I can see, this article doesn't explain how this happened.
But isn't that awesome?
This person somehow got the Governor of South Dakota's cell phone and made prank calls.
The misdemeanor count of making threatening, harassing, or misleading contacts
carries a max penalty of one year in prison and two thousand in fines.
Excuse me.
Stanley County Sheriff Brad Rathburn said Austin Goss,
who had been fired from his job as a Capitol Bureau reporter for the Dakota News.
Court documents said that he is representing himself in court.
The recipient of the harassing phone call was identified as,
identified in the probable cause statement.
The article does not state how Goss was able to call from the Governor's phone.
And I'm all ears on this one.
How do you take the Governor's cell phone and make prank calls with it?
I mean, this guy worked for the South Dakota, Dakota News.
So how was he able to get that close to the Governor,
to be able to take the Governor's phone and make prank phone calls?
To me that just doesn't jive and it doesn't make any sense.
I think there's a lot more to this story going on.
And we'll find out as it goes on.
But to me I find that very suspicious that someone could be that close
to the Governor that is a reporter.
Why is that reporter there?
I mean, did the reporter come up and act like he's doing an interview
and swipe his phone or something?
I mean, there's a lot that it's not talking about in these articles.
It didn't say one word on how the phone was swiped
and how long it was swiped for.
And did they have to get the phone back from the person, from the reporter?
Or did they swipe it and make a couple of prank calls and then put it back?
I don't know.
The article doesn't explain a whole lot.
And I looked around for it and it's not an article that has been passed around a lot.
There's only a couple of sources for it and that's really about it.
So I'm just going with what this said.
And anyhow, I mean, your guess is good of mine how this reporter got that close to him
and how they were able to make prank phone calls.
And then what happened?
How did the Governor get his phone back?
Or was it just put back somewhere and acted like he never did?
I don't know, but I find this very peculiar.
And remember I said that there's a lot more to this story that we're going to find out.
So...
Dayline Germany.
Man rescued from woods after sex games go awry.
German police say a 51-year-old man who was left tied up in the woods when a sex game went awry
had a lucky escape after a hunter and a cyclist heard a cry for help.
Police say the man was found tied up naked with pantyhose on his head in a deer stand.
The deer stand he was tied to was not harmed in the process of taking the dummy down.
Sounds to me like maybe someone had an axe to grind with a naked victim.
Pretty interesting, huh?
Who in the hell would agree to that, anyhow?
I mean, you gotta be a work piece of crap.
So then you go, oh yeah, yeah, go ahead, tie me up naked in the woods.
So, I mean, wouldn't you be automatically suspicious of that?
Like someone comes up to you and says that, hey, you know, hey, you know,
I don't care if you've been seeing them a while or not.
You'd be like, hey, let me put pantyhose over your head
and tie you up naked in the woods as a game.
Kind of how would he deserve being that stupid to fall for it, in my opinion?
I just don't see anybody thinking that that's going to be a great idea with a great outcome.
So, anyhow, I thought that was a pretty interesting little story
and I brought it to you and, you know, whatever, whatever that's worth.
So, hey, Al, moral of the story, don't let anyone put pantyhose over your head
and tie you naked to a deer stand in the woods.
So you haven't learned anything from this program, there you go.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Hey, your chair produces sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that it cannot reproduce it and prove that it was just the chair.
Two ass bags and a box of Cheez-Its will be right back.
Kurt Cobain's broken guitar sells for nearly $600,000.
I'm not joking you.
Cobain's black fender strut is covered in scratches and chipped wood.
The names of Cobain and his bandmates are misspelled.
And I remember that guitar.
All their names were misspelled on purpose.
And it was just an old piece of shit fender all broken and tore up and everything.
I guess it's one that most of Nevermind was written on.
The other very famous huge multi-million selling breakthrough album that pretty much started grunge.
Cobain's black fender, chipped wood, misspelled names.
And the car that was once smashed and put back together is no longer playable.
That's the thing about me is you can't even play it.
It was smashed and put back together.
But on Saturday, the broken guitar was sold at Julian's Auctions for a whopping $596,000.
Nearly 10 times more than the opening price.
So you know what? I get it.
I mean, a lot of people my age or a little bit younger or maybe a little bit older.
That you know, this is the kind of stuff that you really kind of hold on to and just you know what it did.
And what place in history it has.
And it just, I get it.
I mean, I wish I had $600,000 to waste like that.
But you know, you know what? You do. God bless you. I get it.
I really understand it.
Items for Kurt Cobain and or Nirvana are becoming more difficult to obtain
and are one of the highest in terms of collectability of all bands.
Darren Julian, CEO of Julian's Auctions told NPR.
And I know one of the reasons why these things are commanding so much money.
And the reason is, is Nirvana is one of these bands that you're never going to have come back.
Because you know, I mean, you're not going to, number one, Kurt Cobain is dead.
You're not going to replace him.
He was too iconic to replace in the first place.
And Dave Grohl, he'll never go back to Nirvana.
I mean, he does so well with the Foo Fighters and everything else that he does.
I would even want to bother with trying to get somebody different in there to replace Cobain.
And it would never work anyhow.
So I get how come this is so sought out and how come, you know, people my age or a little bit older,
like I said, are buying stuff like this.
You know, I'd be really honest, if I was a multimillionaire,
I would probably look at stuff like this to buy too.
Just have it up on your wall, just to walk over and look at it, touch it,
have your friends come over and explain to them, go, yeah,
this is the one that Kurt Cobain smashed on MTV and went crazy and started throwing shit.
You know, that to me means something.
That nostalgia means something to me.
I mean, you know, at this point in my life, the nostalgia is so important.
You know, nostalgia is the only thing that really piques my curiosity anymore.
You know, it's the only thing that like really I just can't get enough of is nostalgia.
And I think every guy my age is the same way.
We remember the years of yesteryear and all the stuff that we grew up on.
And, you know, it just gives us that feeling.
We go back to it, you know, when you're driving around a car,
sipping on a Mickey's Big Mouth or a Malt Duck or something,
and listening to this music and just having the time of your life carefree
and just loving everything, just enjoying it, a hot summer night.
You know, listen to this music in the back on KY-102 or whatever, you know.
And I get it, you know, I think you can hear it in my voice how important it is to me
and probably every guy out there, you know.
So I get why people are buying this stuff for outrageous prices.
Cobain was known for destroying his multiple Fender guitars.
This one was special because it was used to write a majority of the music
on the groundbreaking Nevermind album.
I knew it, that's what I thought.
I remember reading something about that Black Fender and how he destroyed it.
I think he destroyed it.
I'll have to look again, but I think he destroyed it on MTV as a statement,
you know, kind of like, you know, we're the anti-band.
And I don't care how important this guitar is, you know,
I wrote most of Nevermind on it, but I don't give a shit.
I'm going to destroy it because nothing is sacred.
And that was part of the 90s whole culture is nothing's sacred,
especially you.
You're not sacred.
We're all just pieces of garbage.
And that is the attitude that they carried.
And unfortunately, that is some of the attitude that took them out too.
So anyhow, I get the reason why people want this stuff.
And to be quite honest, if I had the capital, I would be collecting the stuff too.
So anyhow, pretty interesting.
Two tool bags and a socket wrench will be right back.
Remember to send all male body part photos to Rob Rad's inbox.
Yeah, you're something that caught my attention the other day.
Two douche bags, one microphone.
I'm Mark.
I'm Christopher.
Good morning, afternoon, evening, wherever the hell it is.
When you're listening to us.
It's two in the morning somewhere.
Yeah, and you're stoned off your ass.
You're questioning life.
We got answers, but they're not the right ones.
No.
Matter of fact, whatever we say, do the opposite.
That sounds like a good plan.
The polar opposite.
I mean, not just kind of opposite, the exact opposite of what we say do.
Yes.
And you'll be fine.
We say jump off the cliff, then you better go climb the mountain.
That's right.
So, all right, Christopher, you have some stuff that you'd like to start talking about.
Sure, yeah.
I have this really bad habit of watching commercials.
I mean, I hate commercials.
I turn the sound down, but they grab my attention sometimes anyway.
But this one was interesting.
It was.
That means they're good commercials.
You realize that.
That's true.
Men pay attention to commercials.
Women do not.
My wife always tells me, why don't you just ignore them?
No, that's what Val does all the time.
It's like turn it.
I'm like, no, no, no, I like this commercial.
It's like I have this theory.
Yeah.
Jamie, the progressive, is much better than Flo.
Jamie should be the star.
But now they have a merging chick that talks everybody into everything by talking them out of it.
Yeah.
And she should be the new star.
Yeah.
But they always put Flo in there.
It's like, no, she's old, hide.
Get her the fuck out of there.
Yeah.
We see a lot of Flo.
Yeah, we have.
Flo can get the fuck out.
And Jamie could like, you know, it was a great character that they developed after Flo.
Yeah.
And then now they have this new one.
And then I don't know if the black guy's ever going to do anything there.
Just kind of be the ancillary guy that likes to fish.
Yeah.
Just kind of like makes a little quip here and there.
Yeah.
There's only been one commercial that kind of featured him where he was daydreaming during
a lecture by Flo.
Yeah.
And everyone wound up in his happy place.
Like, what the hell are you guys doing here?
Yeah.
So anyhow, I'm sorry.
Back to your commercial.
Okay.
Well, the premise of the commercial was they were showing this, oh, I would say 12-year-old
girl who was in a public school.
Yes.
And everything that could possibly go wrong in your public school was going wrong, with
the exception of a school shooter.
So there was a kid kicking.
Give it time.
Yes.
There was a kid kicking your desk.
You had a teacher that was flipping out, and you had, let's see, bullies in the hallways,
lockers that were stuck, just all the bad things about public school.
And then the girl decided she'd had enough, walked out the front door, and then you realize,
well, it's commercial for a school at home online service.
And it takes you kindergarten through 12th grade, and it's all paid for.
I think it's paid for just like public schools are paid for.
But it's an at-home alternative to sending your kid to what may be a pretty unsafe environment
in a public school.
So that got me thinking, has the time for public schools passed?
Is it time to dismantle the whole public school sending your kids to a giant building with
a bunch of other kids?
It just doesn't make sense anymore.
I have been along this thought for a long time.
Now, like I've always said, I'm really down the middle.
I lean right on some things left on others.
It depends on what it is.
One thing I lean right on is school choice.
So if a school is failing, let it fail.
Yeah, I kind of think that too.
Yeah, because they're not doing any good anyhow.
Maybe we should make homeschooling the norm.
Yeah.
And if you want to send your kid to one of these public schools, well, I guess you can,
but maybe that should be looked on as odd and strange.
My thought is this.
You have to have a very elaborate, in-depth system of testing the kids.
You can't just give them an online course and go, oh, they learned everything.
It's good.
Yeah.
You have to have someone like go to the house and give them this test and to certify
that they know everything that a high school graduate should know.
Yep.
And you don't need to have a building all year round to do those occasional tests.
Yes.
You can do that in a meeting room at a hotel.
And that will get rid of another nuisance.
Yeah.
The teacher's union.
There we go.
Yeah.
And everything associated with public education has been around long enough to be completely
corrupt and be full of people who are just milking the system.
Throw it all away.
It's old and done with.
Model T was a great idea, but we don't use it anymore.
Coal-powered locomotives don't take our freight and passengers across the country on rails
anymore.
It's a great idea.
We don't owe them any kind of lifelong existence.
We dumped their asses as soon as we found a better system.
Yep.
I think public schools, it's time to dump their asses.
Yeah.
And have a better system.
You put all these kids together and the idea is, well, they learn to share its diversity
and they learn about other cultures.
No, they're not.
They're just kind of trying to survive.
Gangs form, groups that exclude form.
You can learn about other cultures and other diversity by just getting out of your house
and going downtown or going to any kind of public event.
There are enough people different from whoever you want to point to.
Just pick a random person in a crowd and you can find 20 people within 10 miles who look
different because we have diversity here.
You don't need to force it in a school.
Just get out and experience life.
Exactly.
We look at where we're at right now at the beautiful historic river market district in
Kansas City, Missouri.
Close to the beautiful crystal clear blue waters of the Missouri River.
That's right.
And there's diversity everywhere.
And it's beautiful.
It's a beautiful thing.
Yeah.
Everybody just kind of doing what they need to do to get along.
People are mainly polite, mainly nice, respectful to each other.
And people generally will do this.
So it doesn't need to be forced on anybody.
No.
This also, to me, goes back to the main, what should be the main focus, parenting.
Yeah.
Parenting.
You don't have parenting in the classroom.
You have parenting at home where it should exist, where it should be.
Yeah.
You instill into your children what you think is right and wrong.
You know, there's these free-range children everywhere.
And it's just insane.
You can't tell who they belong to.
Go into a Walmart one time and try to pick the parents out of the lineup.
It's not easy.
No, no.
Just like I saw a father the other day, it's two boys.
Oh, hey, look, there's a freezer room.
Let's go run in it.
Okay, just one time.
It's a public place where people are shopping.
Yeah.
And I'm like, huh?
No, my dad would have said no.
No, no, no, no.
Next time you're not coming with me.
And as a matter of fact, we're going to have a talk about this out in the car.
Yeah.
So these kids run in front of everybody, an old lady, all these other people, almost slip and fall, almost break all this stuff, all these eggs that are in there and stuff.
And dad's like, hee hee hee.
He's like, no, no, you, you are the problem.
Not the children.
The children don't know better.
You should.
Do you think it would be a good idea to call out someone like that?
Like, would it do any good for someone to walk up to that guy at that moment and say, you're a bad parent?
Would it do any good, you think?
No, because they would be too busy defending themselves whether they were right or wrong.
Yeah.
I wonder if it would make any difference in the kids' lives to see someone telling their parents, you're bad at what you do.
That's a good question.
Yeah.
I think it depends on the child.
Yeah.
Because some children, you look at them and they think entitlement all the way.
You can see them, like, I can do this because I'm me.
I've been put on a pedestal.
I'm the only boy in the last three generations that I'm loved.
I'm revered.
Or they've just been told all their lives that what you want to do is just as important as everybody else.
That's the other thing.
Which isn't true because if you want to go crash your airplane and everybody else wants to live, then no, what you want to do isn't as important.
Exactly.
It depends on what you want.
You can't just blank it, say, everyone has the exact same full right to have their opinion shouted from the roof of their house.
And another problem with this is it's not just the parents, in quotations.
Yeah.
It's not just the snowflakes.
Yeah, it's not just the snowflakes.
It's every brand and creed of people that do this.
Yeah.
They put their children on these pedestals and they can't do any wrong.
And if anyone ever tries to attempt to tell them they are doing wrong, they flip out and just like, all of a sudden the sky is falling.
How dare you say that to my child?
How dare you say that to me?
Yeah, their child is their whole identity.
Yes.
Which is a horrible burden for your child and a sick way to live your life.
Yes.
And also, I see parents that are afraid of their children.
Oh yeah.
You know, it's like, oh no, if I try to discipline him, he's just going to be a dick the rest of the day.
He's going to scream and kick animals.
It's like, okay, then the day is over.
Yeah.
The day is over.
He goes back in the car.
He goes home.
He gets in his room without any tablet or anything.
And he sits there and he thinks about life for a little while.
But people want to have children, but they don't want to raise them.
No, they want the hard work part.
No, they just want to have their 2.3 like the guy down the road does.
Yeah.
I know some parents and I've seen them go through the dilemma of the child's misbehaving.
So you say, okay, no video game time, no computer time, no cell phone time.
You're cut off from all your media for the rest of the day, which is a punishment for the kid.
But then the kid makes the parent's life miserable.
Well, I can't watch my show.
I can't play with my phone.
Then what am I going to do?
I'm bored, entertaining.
Logs to split.
The parent would rather do anything rather than spend time with their kid.
Bingo.
Or entertain their kid or come up with something constructive to do together.
That is one of the best examples there right now.
That ends most of it right there.
The parent wants to sit the child in front of that electronic.
If a 10 pound bag of shit could talk, this is what it would sound like.
That's why you buy those rear seat DVD screens.
Not because you love your kid, but you can't stand to hear your kid's voice while you're driving.
It's a protection tax.
It's like, here you go, watch this and you'll shut up and I won't have to deal with you.
Yep. Yep.
So homeschooling would pretty much force parents to deal with their own children and how they behave more.
Yes.
Which is going to only be a good thing.
I think it would be, parents would be more intertwined, more emotionally connected.
And form support groups.
Yes.
You know, mom over here talks with dad over there and says how do you handle it when your 8 year old refuses to whatever.
They say, well here's what we've tried.
Here's the pictures of the bloody stub, right?
The more I think about it, the less sense it makes to keep pouring money and effort and oh my god,
there's so much money into public schools and it's not going to fix it, not going to get better.
You've got to learn when to stop beating that dead horse and start riding a camel instead.
Another thing is, what about privatizing it? And here I'll give you an example.
I'm mixed about this because privatizing a lot of things aren't good.
Like when they privatized some prisons, all of a sudden the prison rate went way up in that district
because they needed people in there to make money.
So that's probably not a good idea.
Yeah.
Or at least the crutch doesn't work.
So I don't know if this is a good idea because then they'll be trying to stick kids in there no matter what.
They're flunking out. We don't care, pass them anyhow.
Because I had that growing up in my school district.
Let's say the school district had 2,000 kids, but I think it was much less than that.
They went to 1999, all of a sudden there's a lot of them in one day.
Older just fell from the sky.
Yeah. Oh god, I think the world's over. There's five or six of them.
Oh shit, one just missed us.
If they went to 1999 or whatever, 1999, all of a sudden they're in a different classification with much less tax money to work.
So they couldn't have that one person dropping out.
So they would do whatever they could to get that kid to come in.
I watched it firsthand. They're just like, oh, just sit in the room.
You'd have that same thing going on. Only worse.
Pretty much when you have money as the incentive, that works for the person giving the money and the individual person receiving the money.
It doesn't work at all for anybody else.
So if you privatize the school, then the government will get a break because they don't have to spend the money.
The private companies will set up a system which looks good on the surface and makes them the most money as quickly as possible.
Yes. And that's all you're going to have. Schools really will become just a place to warehouse your kids.
That's right. And pay for the privilege.
Yeah.
I mean, think about privatizing as would you want someone to privatize the fire department where you had to pay a monthly subscription
and then you had to call and ask if they can please make an appointment for you to come put my house fire out tomorrow or maybe the next week.
Because a private company privatized, they don't have to obey the same rules as a public utility does. They make up their own rules. What is profitable?
And then they get hamstrung by other rules also. Governmental rules.
It's like, look, we know this handicapped person can't grab a guy and save him, but he's got to be there because he's part of the quota.
Yeah.
So that would probably raise your rates in the first place.
Yeah.
And then the rates would go up when you have three or four people that couldn't do the job but you have to have them there because of the quota.
So, yeah, I'm with you. I think really the best answer is homeschooling. And I think it should be tax credits to do it. That way you have incentive.
We don't send people to a big school to learn how to operate their cell phones or navigate the computer screen.
That's right.
That's something you learn from other people. You pick up from your friends or parents and you become perfectly well skilled at it.
You know, we don't send people to big schools to learn how to drive a car. People just do. You know, they learn. You know, their parents teach them, other people teach them.
We can do the same thing with pretty much the public school curriculum and we also could have a more tailored curriculum.
If your kid wants to study religion and he wants to study this religion but not that, then you don't have to take the whole classroom through it.
That one student can study what they want.
You could say, you know, your student needs to study a foreign language. Right now it's like French or Spanish. That's kind of it.
But why not say any foreign language will do. You're studying on your own. If you want to learn Hindi, do it.
Yeah, do it. And it will be a part of your curriculum.
Yeah. You get the same credit as somebody who learned Spanish or somebody who learned German or somebody who learned Japanese.
You can target your ethnicity too. You can target what you want.
Let's say that you have relatives. Like, you know, I have relatives in Canada and Greece. The ones in Canada speak English of course, but the ones in Greece, a lot of them don't.
But it would be great to be able to speak to them and have that option in school to learn it.
I think we would get better educated kids, more involved parents, and probably better young adults as a result.
But the sticking point is, can't you imagine a whole country full of parents saying, what? Me give up free time to get involved in my kid's life? Hell no.
That's the biggest issue to me.
I think that is the biggest issue.
I think if there is enough of a groundswell, you would probably find a way to get it done.
But I think that most people think about it and go, oh wait a minute, uh-uh, who's doing that? Me? No, no, no, no.
I have to give up my social media time to learn over spelling words. I can't go out to the bar and drink because we have to study for a book report.
I have my podcast every Monday for God's sake. How am I going to get that done with a little fucking Rugrat fucking poking at me?
And then think of the social pressure relief when you're not trying to look the part.
You go to school and you're trying to physically fit in the way you look, the way you act, the way you dress, the way you speak.
None of that would matter if you're not going to this giant public school where you can be judged on all these things.
We could be giving them the Indian sunburns and shit going in the nerd.
Yeah, I mean that's what big brothers are for, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, nerdical pants.
I think we should say Native American sunburns.
Oh, I'm sorry, Native American sunburns. And then have the wet towels and smack it on the ass with it until it bleeds.
Good times. Good times.
Except when you're the littlest one.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Thank God I was never the littlest one.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That was my thought on public schools.
Hey, where do they go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.