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Live from the city market, it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct wash rags.
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Well, guess they finally figured out the microphone.
Idiots.
Hey there, this is Mark with Quick Hits.
Today I have, as if the Americans aren't that enough department.
Introducing the new Heinz Mix machine.
Remember around 15 years ago Coke invented the freestyle machine?
Yeah, I remember it really well.
I went to Columbia, Missouri to go pick up my new car.
The salesman couldn't wait to show me the new machine.
I was waiting in the luxury lobby because I just bought a new car.
It was being processed and serviced.
And because I was 2 hours away they put me up in the luxury lounge.
I'm guessing most car dealers have one.
I just didn't know about it until then.
The salesman said that this particular mixing machine was only 1 out of 20 in America at that point.
I was on a low carb so I couldn't get the full effect of this magnificent new machine.
All I could do was mix Diet Coke with Diet Orange, Diet Cherry, and Blueberry.
It was really kind of underwhelming because it was all diet stuff.
I should have just went ahead and splurged and said, hell, today I'm going to have some carbs because this is something really cool.
So anyhow, this Heinz machine has a base of their ketchup in the dispenser just like Coke does.
And then it has a variety of other flavors you can add to the sauce.
Some other base flavors are Ranch, BBQ Sauce, and 57 Sauce.
Some mixing flavors are Enhancers or Jalapeno, Smoky Chipotle, Buffalo, and Mango.
The Heinz mixer machine is being tested in certain locations all over the US.
Heinz worked with Microsoft and other companies to bring this machine to life.
And me? Yeah, I know it's in the American's Fat Enough department.
But man, I think this thing's pretty damn cool and I'm going to love it when I see one.
Because I'm going to mix all different kinds of crazy shit together.
This is Mark with Quick Hits. Have a good day.
If you love vomit, we have the podcast for you.
Two thimble dicks and a crash cart will be right back.
Hey there. This is Mark here with Quick Hits.
On this one, I want to know why pharma companies advertise their new drugs.
I mean, why would they have to?
I mean, because it's not, we don't go around and go, hey, I think I need this, so I'm going to prescribe it to myself.
Isn't that the doctor's job to tell you that you need to be on this medication because your A1C is out of control?
I mean, I don't just like all of a sudden just do my own tests and go, man, look at my A1C. Fuck.
I better get some jargon.
So I see this commercial about jargon.
Apparently heavy happy people dancing around to sing about taking one pill and it lowers their A1C.
This is normal?
Is this garbage taking one, you know, is it for the patient or is it for the prescribers?
Is this happiest fuckfest meant to so when the doctor comes in and says, hey, I've read your test results and your A1C is just like stupid and you're going to die,
suggest jargon and you feel great about taking it and you won't protest?
Or is it meant to influence the doctor to prescribe it?
Or perhaps maybe both.
But either way, I find it disturbing and sickening that they can get get on there and have a bunch of heavy people dance around acting like they're healthy as hell and they're happy as hell because they're taking this pill because they can't seem to control their eating.
I mean, no wonder we're a nation of peeled out freaks.
If you don't believe so, go to any big city and look around every street corner.
Every street corner, there's someone pulled out just sitting there drooling on themselves, not knowing where the fuck they're at or doing something stupid like eating someone's face off or shit in the corner or something.
And personally, I think that it's got to stop somewhere.
I mean, it's going to get to where 70% of people aren't doing anything except lying in their chair zoned out on some fucking pill.
It's ridiculous. George Carlin used to speak about this long ago and he was absolutely right.
He could see where it's going. And quite frankly, I think it's bullshit that all these farm pills are being allowed to advertise and have this fake happiness about taking it.
It's not right and it sends a wrong message.
So anyhow, that is my quick hits.
And that's what I think.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
You remind me of a penny. Two-faced and not worth much.
Clown nose. Just put one on and you can do anything. Want to run for office? Murder people in public? Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Hey there. This is Mark.
And this is a segment, a new segment that I came up with that I choose to call I don't believe that.
I think you know how cynical this program is exactly where I'm going with this.
So without any further ado, let me introduce my first one.
I don't believe that Joe Biden could pass a mental competency test. I sound like I can't pass one.
But anyhow, yeah, I do not believe he can be competent for a test.
So I think I'm probably not the only one that came up with this and this is easy pickings.
You know, I mean, everybody kind of knows it. They see the guy stumbling around and not making sense half the time and walking in the wrong areas.
And saying off the wall stuff that doesn't make sense.
Like I said, anybody could figure this out. Why the guy is running again is beyond me and why people are supporting him is even more beyond me.
I mean, this guy is, I mean, look at him. Yeah, he's crackers and crayons.
So anyhow, I'll just go on from that one. I think everybody sees that. And if you're halfway intelligent, you agree with it.
If you really look at it and you don't look at it, they're blue shades. You'll see my point of view.
But the problem is, there's too many people look through things at blue and red shades only. You know, that's it.
You know, they're like, oh, they're blue. So they're good.
Well, that's the thing that got us in the mess we're at right now.
The mess that we're at right now is probably undigable to get out of.
So I'm telling you, you know, you're going to see more and more of what I'm talking about because things are colliding very fast and very dangerously and kind of scary.
Really, a lot of stuff happened. Keep your eyes open, guys. Keep your eyes open.
So, OK, my second one. I don't believe that the government passes any law to help us. The laws are to control us.
And if you really think about it, think about all the laws they pass. They tout this is going to help the people.
But if you really look at it on the surface, it's only to control us. One way or another for their own agenda, they need us controlled.
And they do it all the time and they do it more and more. And they don't even mask anything anymore.
A lot of times they say what they're going to do when the public is dumb enough to go along and just go, OK, all right, well, all right.
Well, they say it's OK, so we're going to go ahead and go with it. Wrong answer. Wrong answer.
So, my third one. I don't believe that Democrats care one ounce of shit about the border crossers, but only care about harvesting votes.
I really believe that to be true. There might be a lot of people think I'm way off, but no, I've examined it. I've looked at it.
And if you really gave a shit about them, you would find a good way to process them.
And the ones that are coming over here to work and want to work and want to raise a family will be over here.
And the ones that are over here to cause trouble or have a huge criminal background will not be.
But the focus is not on them because all they do is just try to get enough people over here and then find a way for them to vote.
So, anyhow, next one.
I don't believe that Republicans care one ounce of shit about the border crossers, but only care about cheap labor.
And if anyone's known one of these people, I'm sure everyone's known one of these people.
The other ones that go to church on Sunday go, oh, my God, I love you, God.
I pray for those poor brown people crossing the border.
And then they hire him for pennies on the dollar while their families starve and work 80, 90, 100 hours a week and don't pay him as much as the people around him.
Happens all the time. And I got some people right. I mean, I'll just leave it right there.
I may or may not have worked for some people like that.
So I don't believe that a large bag of Doritos is even half full of product, but is over half full of air.
That one again, easy pickings, easy to see.
We all know it, but we all still buy it, don't we?
I think if we leave the shit alone for a couple of months and let him give him something to think about, they'll quit this false narrative on that.
I mean, I know it's not that big a deal, Doritos, but you know what?
I mean, I'm just sick of it. You go in and buy a huge bag and then you get home and there's five chips in it.
I think everybody can relate to that.
So next one, I do not believe if I take one pill, the sun will shine on my asshole and angels will comb my hair.
I believe it's all profit oriented. All of it.
A little bit later on in this broadcast, you're going to hear something about Jardian or maybe I did it.
I think I might have done the Jardian one podcast or two ago.
Well, anyhow, someway, somehow, if you listen to this program, you're going to hear about Jardian and how the sun will shine on your asshole.
If you take one pill and the angels will come out and play for you and comb your hair and whistle and yeah.
So anyhow, evidently having a bad A1C is a beautiful thing and people enjoy the hell out of it, according to these commercials.
All right. Let's see.
I do not believe that there is one person that has authority, government, judge or business that has not lied to benefit themselves.
I believe that to be wholly true, 100% true.
Anyone that is in any type of power at all has lied and contorted things to benefit themselves because that's what their nature is and they can't help it.
And that's the way that things are done in this type of world is you have to lie, cheat and steal to get your way to the top.
And it's the truth. So anyone that you see out there with any title at all, just know they're liars.
And they're not in your best interest. They're in their best interest.
OK, I do not believe that tap water is perfectly safe to drink.
I believe that people are full of shit.
They couldn't get one crap about waters or chemicals in the water.
I mean, look at Flint, Michigan. But the thing is, is that's just only a small little detail of everything that goes on.
I mean, I believe that. I mean, here in Kansas City, I know our water lines are what, like 60 years old or something.
So you can only imagine what's in there.
All the corrosion, everything, lead, what have you.
I mean, you know, they used to make pipes out of lead.
Yeah, lead pipes. And our water is probably going through them to a certain degree.
Maybe not 100 percent, but maybe 20 percent.
And then who knows what other chemicals they put in there.
You know, and the thing is, is they don't care. They never did.
So my last but not least one.
I do not believe that the Royals belong in Major League play.
They might be a decent minor league team at best.
They might be able to challenge the Monarchs, maybe.
But I have my doubts about that.
Yeah, it's a pretty sad thing there, I can tell you that.
You know, I'm all for getting to downtown stadium or close to downtown because, you know, you go to...
When I used to go out of town for work, I went to as many stadiums as I could.
Yankee Stadium, Coors Field in Colorado, over on the West Coast.
I went into some fields. I mean, you know, and the downtown stadiums just have an energy about them.
They have all these businesses around them and it's downtown and people are getting off work and just walking over to the stadium and going to the game.
And it's a really electrifying atmosphere.
I mean, that Coors Field was just dynamite.
It was opening day when I was there with me and my friend Sandor.
And we went to like the third game of the season there.
And it was just electric because it's downtown and there's all these microbreweries all around there and people just getting lit and people taking off work early.
And I mean, and then there's all these other places too that I went.
Now, Yankee Stadium is a little bit different. It's a little ways out.
But, you know, that's all they could do there is because, you know, the metropolitan New York area is so huge that it's probably the only place they could really fit it.
And they have all the trains going there.
But I mean, there's a lot of other stadiums.
Miller Stadium, Milwaukee downtown.
I mean, White Sox, all these stadiums, McCubbies, all of them.
And I think Kansas City deserves that.
But what we deserve before that is a competitive team.
Maybe not even a team that goes to a perennial playoff team, but just a team that's ended in late August.
You know, that would be nice.
So anyhow, this is Mark.
And this is my I do not believe segment that you're going to hear more and more coming up.
So I will talk to you guys.
Well, you know what? This is probably going to be located in the middle of the podcast.
So I don't have to say anything. Bye.
I mean, you know, while we're talking about stinky stuff and all this, you know,
about 10 years ago, they decided they're going to come up with some different douche flavors.
Oh, yeah. But they didn't go over very well.
Wait a minute. Who's tasting it?
Well, I don't know if it's a taste or a smell.
Yeah. Well, on the other hand, you know, if a person would use the douche prior to oral sex, maybe that would be.
Maybe that's what they're wanting to.
So what kind of flavor goes well with the vagina?
We obtained we exclusively are crack staff here at crack staff.
I love it. Yeah.
Here at two douche bags and a microphone, we obtained a couple of things about douches.
We ought to be experts.
Here's a spoiler. We're not experts about anything.
No. Yeah. Is that actually a spoiler? You think they're just like scratching their head going, yeah, if they.
Yeah, we realized this.
Yeah. If they needed to be told that we're not experts and that we will lie to you if it entertains us.
Well, you're missing the point of the whole podcast.
If we have to be told that part, if you believe a fucking thing comes out of our mouth, I question you as a person.
Yes. If you believe nothing else, believe it when we say look it up for yourself, find out for yourself, make up your own mind, quit relying on what other people told you.
Speaking of that, next week, probably or the week after, we have this special guest that just by chance, he runs into us every now and then.
We prefer to call him Deep Sky, but he calls himself Brandon.
That was the name he was using at the time. We know it's not actually really Brandon.
This guy is an expert on the deep state and the big cover up going on everywhere.
Now listen, I mean, I think that a lot of what this guy says, there's a lot of truth in it. I don't believe all of it.
I think it's like anything. People take part of the truth and then they expand it into whatever.
And the more you look, the more you can find information that will justify just about anything you choose to believe.
Yeah. The whole thing is, is this guy is uber intelligent.
Very, very. Very organized.
Very organized. He is a walking encyclopedia of this stuff. He believes it with all his heart.
And we're hoping to find him again here soon. We haven't seen him in a few weeks and he kind of got freaked out because he wanted to take a picture of him there with us.
And he, he didn't, he wasn't having that. So I have no idea what Brandon's into or anything.
As a matter of fact, he didn't even want to listen to the podcast.
Yeah. Yeah. So anyhow.
Very, very grateful he agreed to talk to us for quite a long time.
Yeah. So hopefully we will see him again. But if not, we have probably have about five hours of this guy and he jumped in one day when we're talking about Jim Morrison and rock stars.
Yeah, that's right. That's right.
And anyhow, he came in and was talking to us about Jim Morrison the day he died. His dad signed the Magna Carta. Was that it?
No, he was saying that Jim Morrison's dad was in military intelligence.
And was, was directly connected to the Gulf of Tonkin incident, which justified the Vietnam War.
That was it. That was it. Okay.
The way it was conducted. And then he was, he was saying more. I'm not going to do any more spoilers beyond that.
Also, numerology, the big satanic cult, all this stuff. And listen, like I said, I don't believe everything that he says, but whenever he speaks, I find it extremely interesting.
Extremely entertaining and thought provoking. He makes your brain do that little dance every time he talks.
Yeah. As long as you're open to possibilities and new ideas and listen with that attitude, he's got so much interesting things. There are many interesting things to say.
And even if you don't necessarily agree with all the conclusions, there's a lot of interesting information along the way that is both verifiable.
And a lot of it is factual. What he's speaking of is factual.
Yeah. Verifiable and had a great impact on a lot of things.
He's actually the guy that uncovered the deuce flavors for us.
Oh, excellent work.
He went to Massengel and he did a big esposé. Anyhow, I mean, you know, the first one that went over horribly was Bloody Mary.
Oh.
They just did not like the name. They thought Bloody Mary was just a very bad fit for addiction.
I can just see the ad picture. Where would they put the stalk of celery?
That might have been one of the problems.
Yeah, that could be it. It's like if you write a beautiful song that's called Suck My Ass, then people aren't going to want to listen to it.
I would, but I'm a douchebag.
What's your favorite song? Suck My Ass.
Sorry, damn.
It's just like I remember the back of Circus Magazine. I think it was Keith Richards. No, it wasn't Keith Richards. Who was it?
So, shit. I think it was like Nick Bocotte of, remember the old metal band Grim Reaper?
They just talk to him and they go, hey, what's your favorite ballad? He goes, Highway to Hell.
Good comeback.
I think he was serious.
So Bloody Mary is a no go.
No, that's no go. And then after that they tried to take advantage of the health price.
Yeah. E-Healthy.
Kale was a big item back then.
Oh.
Well, didn't go over so well.
No.
They took it down to the corner market deals and you know.
You know, if you were actually getting like.
Sprouts said no.
Whole Foods said no.
If you were getting some actual kale with it, that would be one thing, but it's just the kale flavor.
It was just the flavoring.
Without the nutrition. Yeah, that's not the issue.
It's just like a meme going around how to serve kale and it shows them throwing it in the garbage.
Yes. Nobody really likes kale.
No. They say they do, they just want you to like that.
Let's face it, it's a douche bag status.
Yeah. So what did you have for lunch?
Oh, I had a kale sandwich.
With quinoa.
I put my hand up and walk away.
That's it. I do the talk to the hand and then I leave.
I don't even say another word.
Do I hear the word kale? It's like no.
I smell water and vinegar.
A kale salad is what a douche would be, right?
Yes.
Well, anyhow, kale was a no-go.
So, you know, the Massagel's like shit.
They want to go the complete opposite.
Let's do some unhealthy food.
So they came up with cotton candy.
Oh my gosh.
I would think that you'd want her to have a Brazilian.
Otherwise, you know, you start to get a little association in your mind.
Oh, Babble Snatch.
Babble Snatch would have been a great flavor.
Yeah. That was a very popular gum.
Oh, God, yeah.
Once you have Babble Snatch, you don't like any other gum.
You didn't want to babble in any other Snatch again.
No, no, that was it.
Especially Paul at 7-Eleven.
Me and him love each other.
He sends me Christmas cards, everything.
Anyhow.
But cotton candy went over horribly.
It went over like a flaming pile of shit.
Like it probably should have.
Let's hope they didn't do flaming pile of shit flavor then.
That would actually probably have a market now that you think about it.
Well, you know, and then Massagel, you know, the crack staff down there was scratching their heads.
They were like, you know what, maybe we need to, you know, kind of get on maybe the Latin tip.
You know, a lot of Latinos and Latinos in America.
Yeah, broaden your market base and try to expand into other markets.
So we're going to do a little spicy.
We're going to get a little warm here.
So they came up with Wasabi.
Oh, Wasabi.
Yeah.
I guess Wasabi didn't go so well.
You know, they were like, you know, man.
You know, they're like, you know, it's hot.
It has some flavor.
You know, I mean, there's a couple fold on that.
Not only the person that were, that's, you know, hanging around the brush, so to speak.
You know, but also the person that was using the Wasabi probably didn't care for it.
I imagine a lot of perspiring going on.
Oh, wow.
I met a man years ago who thought that Vicks VapoRub was an excellent sexual lubricant.
Yikes.
Oh, I've got my Alberto, my Alberto VO5 story, but I will save that for another podcast.
Okay.
Let's just say it's not a good lubricant.
Okay.
Let's just leave it right there.
And besides that, someone listening to this podcast might know what I'm talking about.
No spoilers?
Listen, this is your 30 day warning.
If you don't want this broadcast, send me a message.
Well, we mean that in the friendliest, most non-threatening way possible.
Absolutely. So that would be my cue to say it with names.
So Wasabi fell on its face.
Yeah.
Well, then they're like, you know, the cracked staff down there scratching their heads again, boy.
What can we do to get across that, you know, that our douches are just, you know, we're the new kinder gentler douches.
We asked 100 people what flavor do you want to sit on your face?
Well, the next one was Hot Damn.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
What is that, cinnamon whiskey?
Yes.
So, you know, they're like, you know, hot damn, how can you go wrong with that, man?
You know, freshens your breath and smash, you know, you get smashed.
I mean, you know, it's a great concept to think about, you know.
The alcohol content would probably help cut down on some UTIs.
Hey Willie, what are you doing? Drinking?
What are you drinking? Hot damn?
I'm doing shots out of, well.
Well, this container is really unique.
And this nice fur teacup.
This is the coolest shot glass I've ever had in my life.
I think that was in an Alice Cooper song.
That was Feed My Frankenstein.
Feed My Frankenstein, yeah, alabessa.
Feed My Frankenstein.
He referred to licking an ice cream cone and drinking from a fur teacup.
A fur teacup, I wrote that one.
Good ol' Alice.
Well, you know, Mazinger, they're called, what the fuck can we do?
So, you know, they kind of decided to maybe like go to the fridge,
maybe hit the country folk, maybe hit the Rednecks and the Hicks up and stuff like that.
So, you know, naturally it went to a skull dip flavor.
Oh, for when you're going down on the farm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh.
You know, got a chaw full of, you know, a mouthful of chaw, you know.
That would tend to be like a big menthol flavor.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I guess you could go Copenhagen straight tobacco flavor,
but you'd start sneezing probably down there.
That wouldn't be a good idea, you know.
Oh, man.
Wow.
Yeah, no whistling through the wheat field.
Oh, boy.
And then, you know, out of habit, you probably, you know,
have to every now and then turn your head and spit.
And that doesn't go over well.
It's like, why are you doing that?
Did you get a hair or something? What's wrong?
Oh, sorry, it's just the flavor.
Yeah, that's what I do whenever I get around menthol. Sorry.
So, yeah, I can see that not going well.
Well, yeah, that didn't go so well.
So, you know, they're like, you know,
well, we're going to try to appeal to the younger crowd, but not too young.
You know, kind of, you know, maybe the 20, early 20 something, maybe 18 year old, you know.
Yeah.
For the sake of staying legal, 18, maybe 18 to 25 or something like that.
You know, that demo.
So they went lucky charms.
I wonder if you could get the version, the version with just marshmallows.
Did you say virgin?
I almost did.
Did you get the virgin with just marshmallows?
I guess virgins could use it, you know.
Okay, so the marshmallows, you get just the marshmallows.
It's worth selling them for a while, just the marshmallows.
You can get the St. Patrick's Day version with a mixture of green clovers in.
Oh, these are tragically suspicious.
No, no, no, they're magically delicious.
You start clicking your heels.
Oh, these lucky charms, they hit me spot.
And then you'll hear her say, oh, you found the pot of gold.
If you're lucky, you'll hear that.
Oh, you little.
Lucky charms.
Wow, well, you know, that actually could probably work, you know, because people like sweet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you get to drink the milk water afterwards.
Okay, now I can see how that didn't work.
There's no cereal milk after this.
Well, you know, the massive girls over there just scratching their heads going, we don't know what to do.
Getting the wrong focus groups, apparently.
Yeah, they got another group in and they decided, you know, crab.
Oh, crab with a K.
Yeah.
Nice.
Yeah, there's three crab flavored juices.
Well, you know, seafood, fish, you know, it just didn't have a good ring, you know, considering the subject matter.
They just really, you know, crab just didn't really, yeah, kind of fell on its face, so to speak.
Yeah, that's like putting gold leaf on a chrome bumper.
It's already, you know, it's already all that it can be along those lines.
Yes, they're like, you know, okay, okay, maybe not crab.
That's a little overpowering.
How about a boiled shrimp?
Especially around Fat Tuesday.
Yeah, yeah, with that spice and everything.
Yeah, you could have, you know, etouffee and you could have gumbo and you could have jambalaya version.
You could go any way with it at all.
Yeah.
I mean, who doesn't like a good New Orleans celebration?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, evidently that didn't do too well either.
People weren't real crazy about the boiled shrimp.
It didn't really go for the creole crotch.
No, no, no creole crotch, no boiled shrimp, nothing.
No bon ton roulet, nothing, gone.
Nope, nope, just get the fuck out of here, you and your fucking boiled shrimp.
Here, take your packet, take your spice packet, will you?
See, that's to include the spice packet with the douche, that could be a game changer.
Yeah, because then you could always, if it didn't work out, you could always just go boil some shrimp.
Yeah.
So anyhow, so then, you know, the crack staff in Massingale said, you know, let's try maybe a snack or something.
So they went with extra sharp cheddar cheese-its.
Extra sharp cheddar cheese-its.
Not even the real cheese, just the cheese-its.
Yeah, yeah, just the cheese-its, those little square pieces of shit.
That way you can get the marketing tie in and, you know, cheese-its will help, you know, pay the cost of the advertising.
With the crunch also.
So that way, you know, you're eating some cheese-its, you're like, hmm, this reminds me of something.
Like, what are you doing, Ike?
Or else maybe right in the middle.
You want some cheese-its?
Right in the middle, you think, damn, after this is over, I feel like I have some cheese-its.
Well, needless to say, the extra sharp cheddar cheese-its didn't go that well.
So anyhow, they were forced to maybe go with some other direction.
And anyhow, so.
I can't wait.
And the final one that we've uncovered or Brandon uncovered for us, sushi.
Well, for obvious reasons, sushi did not do that well as a douche flavor.
Yeah.
It was quickly scrapped in favor of just traditional.
But you know, sushi would go well with the wasabi flavor as well.
So if you get the two flavors together and mix them, a little wasabi sushi douche.
Yeah.
So let's see, wasabi sushi douche.
I like that.
Yeah, it kind of rolls off the tongue.
Yeah, keep them well away from Lucky Charms and Cotton Candy.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm kind of surprised they didn't go for any like comfort food.
Like, you know, mashed potatoes and gravy.
That would be a great one.
Yeah, maybe the-or tenderloin.
A tenderloin?
Tenderloin flavored douche.
You know, and then-or you know, that would go with the mashed potatoes and gravy.
Yeah.
Corn dog.
Yeah.
We hit everybody at the fair with that.
Yeah.
How about-and you know, people like-
Oh, a deep-fried Snickers flavored douche.
I think that is one.
I think that would probably sell really well in a certain demographic.
You know, the one who likes the deep-fried foods.
When Cindy White came home and she had these different flavored douches,
I mean, that one would have went out clearly.
Yeah.
You know, you'd have like a-
It's like dessert.
No kale.
The peanut butter flavored one is-sounds okay,
but I kind of need some jelly or something to go with it.
The kale one is the one you have to use on like during the lint or something.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like, yeah, it's lint.
I gave up meats and I'm going to eat this stuff with like virtually no taste.
Yeah, yeah.
I gave up the really tasty douches for lint.
For lint.
It shows God I'm serious.
Kale and-
You know, God looks down and goes, oh, kale?
You're going to heaven.
Yeah.
That's a lot of dedication eating that bullshit.
Eating that scam.
Yeah.
See, that's how I know God doesn't want us to eat kale
because God doesn't want us to suffer.
That's true.
God loves us.
He doesn't want us to eat kale.
It's biblical.
I'm pretty sure somewhere it says kale is bullshit.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, maybe it doesn't, but anyway.
Let's start the rumor as of right now.
Kale is bullshit.
And if you like kale, you are an insufferable prick.
Remember that plastic parsley they used to serve on your restaurant plate?
That stuff takes better.
That actually is what kale is.
They just got better at printing out the plastic.
Oh, it's like today's artificial turf you can't tell from grass.
Well, kale is that artificial parsley.
Yep.
It doesn't actually grow out of the soil so much as it is 3D printed out of plastic.
You know, Mark Zuckerberg likes kale.
Mark Zuckerberg is kale.
Yeah, he is.
He is coconut oil infused kale.
He is.
Wow, that makes me want to hurt all of us right now.
Ho ho ho ho ho ho.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
May, your five-year-old neighbor have all their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.
Two thimble dicks and a crash cart will be right back.
Hi everybody, this is Mark and I have another quick hits for you.
This is Bentonville, Arkansas' tessical festival. It's true, look it up.
August 24th and 25th, 26th and 27th, 2023 at the Benton County Fairgrounds, 7640 Southwest Regional Airport Boulevard, Bentonville, Arkansas.
Yeah, so this is pretty much what you think it is. It is a festival about testicles.
And it says right here, we've made some exciting changes since last year.
We're moving toward a BYOB model to avoid the governmental headaches.
We ran into with the ABC and bring you the best testicle festival possible.
This August you're invited back to an even bigger, better party. When the freedom to host activities like ladies' oil wrestling, you're in for a wild, fun weekend.
Come camp with us and bring a cooler full of favorite beer. We've got great live music, food trucks and plenty of fryers to keep the balls flowing.
Cooler stickers are only $10 for the entire weekend.
Scheduled Thursday, 11 a.m. camper load and arrival registration begins.
6 p.m. Tessicle Festival opens for general admission.
6 p.m. Lighted Cornhole registration begins.
6 p.m. The Dirty Strings.
7.30 Lighted Cornhole tournament begins.
8 o'clock Small Bonfire.
8 o'clock Eureka Strings.
10 p.m. Mountain Sprout.
Friday, 11 a.m. Tessicle Festival opens for general admission.
12 p.m. Dusty Smith.
1 p.m. Timmy Ray.
2 p.m. Tennessee Dreaming.
3 p.m. Joe Tyler.
4 p.m. Philip Good.
5 p.m. Time Arch.
6 p.m. Undy 800.
6.30 Magnificent Mullets of Lundell.
8 p.m. Medium Bonfire.
8 p.m. Dusty Black.
9.30 Best Beard Contest.
10 p.m. Brian Martin.
12 a.m. Campfire Time.
Saturday, 10 a.m. Tessicle Festival opens for general admission.
11 a.m. Austin Tolliver.
12.30 Truck and Motorcycle Show starts.
1 p.m. Cypress Spring.
2.30 Ball Eating Contest.
3 p.m. Dusty Lee.
4.30 p.m. Wet T-Shirt Contest.
5 p.m. Justin Champagne.
6.30 Topless Sack Race.
7 p.m. Charlie Farley.
8 p.m. Large Bonfire.
8.30 p.m. Ladies Oil Wrestling.
10 p.m. Who T.F. is just in time?
12 a.m. Campfire Time.
Sunday, Ball Throwing Contest.
Oh my God. Let's see what it says.
There's Wet T-Shirt Contest.
There's Topless Sack Race.
Ladies Oil Wrestling.
There's Ball Throwing Contest.
Don't worry about your balls.
We'll remain intact.
Whether you call them Rocky Mountain Oysters,
Cowboy Caviar, Tender Groin,
or simply Bulls Balls,
we've ordered a metric ton of Bull Balls
and they'll be served all weekend long.
Come partake in this Midwest delicacy.
Wow. This is insane.
I can't believe it. Let's see.
Gosh. See what else I can find here.
Tank Camping. 99 bucks for the whole thing.
Electric Tank Campsite. 149 dollars.
RV Camping. 199.
Electric RV. 299.
Electric Water RV Campsite. 349.
Alright. You have to do the reservations
for all of that in advance.
A weekend pass is 29 bucks.
Grab a shirt.
Oh wow. Yeah. Let's see.
Come to the Tesco Festival
and you can buy a shirt for 39 bucks.
A t-shirt.
Alright. Well, they're okay.
Anyhow, that's pretty much about it
from the Tesco Festival.
I just had to share this with you because
it's fucking funny.
Alright. Someone said they have Tesco Festivals everywhere,
but I have not seen one until I found this one.
A friend of mine sent it to me and I was like, huh?
So, anyhow, there you go.
Be seeing you.
Subscribe.
Alright. We've got another story here that is pretty odd.
Sewer truck spill covers cars in Colorado.
Yeah, no kidding. For real.
Commuters on a Colorado highway are speeding
towards the closest car wash.
The reason is, the Colorado State Patrol confirmed
the sewer truck spilled waste onto the eastbound lanes
of I-76 and 224 Interchange.
Yeah, that blows.
I'll tell you what.
I don't know how this happens.
Did the guy go empty out like a shit pond
or a septic tank or something
and just forget to put the cap back on?
But, I mean, if he just forgot to put the cap back on,
I mean, wouldn't that just be a little bit
and not just cover everything?
I mean, I just don't know what happened.
Is it an equipment malfunction or something?
Is there like a button that dumps it all out or something?
It just dumped all over on everybody?
Nico Blankenship told KUSATV he was behind the truck
when some kind of dung started to spray
from the top of the trailer.
Blankenship said his car still smells like waste
after several cleanings.
I'm just thankful that my windows and sunroof was closed.
Ugh.
Colorado State Patrol said the dung was cleaned up
by the trucking company other than the horrible smell.
There are no injuries.
And I'm betting anything if they're going to have to buy
that guy and the other guy that was involved,
who was involved with the covering of the cars and shit,
they're going to have to buy them new vehicles
because you don't get a,
you just don't get a smell like that off of any,
but anything is just, it's too hard to get off of.
It's almost impossible to get off of.
So those people are going to be getting a new vehicle, I'm sure,
and probably a pretty good settlement for them to put up with that.
Can you imagine having that fly all over you?
I mean, the only thing it kind of compares to,
but is a lot worse, is when Dave Matthews was going over
the Chicago River in Chicago and its grids,
and they took the Dave Matthews tour bus,
and someone on the bus, it wasn't Dave Matthews, of course.
He probably knew nothing about it.
They emptied the sewer, the sewer hatch,
and it all came flying down on one of the boats
that they do the architectural tours on the Chicago River.
And you have people sitting there looking up at all these buildings
and stuff, and they're talking about them, mouths open.
All this sewer came flying on top of these people.
And I mean, they were quite ill for a long time.
And that's about the only thing it really kind of compares to that.
So, ugh, Colorado State Patrol said the dung was cleaned up
by the trucking company, and there are no injuries,
like I said a little bit ago.
And really, that's pretty much the just of the whole story right there,
is you could be going around just minding your own business,
and you could have a bunch of shit just tossed right at you.
But that's called life.
Anyhow, this is Mark, another Quick Hits.
And one of the guys was saying, you know, I'm really interested
in this eagles thing that's going on, but not $600 interested.
And then my wife mentioned that in her entire life
she's always wanted to go see the eagles,
but it's always been way too expensive.
They've consistently been priced much higher.
And now there's a concern that Ticketmaster and their flex pricing
is going to get a hold of it.
And flex pricing basically is, as demand for the tickets increases,
the price goes up.
So they're not content anymore with just selling out.
They want to get every dollar they possibly can while they sell out.
The problem is, is the eagles clientele,
the eagles clientele, they can't afford it.
Yeah, that's the unfortunate thing.
We're priced out because of that.
And it'd be great to see them live.
Every lawyer you know loves the eagles.
Every doctor you know loves the eagles.
Every business owner you know.
Hedge fund managers, I don't know, whoever makes crap tons of money.
They all love the eagles.
In like ACDC where that takes nine out of 10 of them out.
Yeah, really.
And for a while Chris Isaac was that way.
Pricing himself way out of everybody's price range.
But I think he figured it out.
I think that a necessity.
I think he realized that, hey, you know what,
this is not a good business protocol for you.
Plus, Chris Isaac tours a lot more than the eagles do at this point.
Well, I miss the good old days when they did not have to rely on tours.
Now they have to because if you make music, it doesn't sell.
They don't make the money.
They don't have the 30 million selling albums anymore.
And then they tour to make the albums sell better.
I remember like during the heydays in the 80s,
Bon Jovi come by three times in a year on the same album.
And that's because they would release one hit and then it would do really well.
And then they'd release another hit and it would start to fade.
And they're like, okay, hey, put them on tour again.
I remember Van Halen touring twice on the same album.
Yeah.
And that was to get the other songs to sell and people to buy the albums.
And it worked.
Now it is the opposite.
Now it's like they have to tour to make money.
So you can get all the paper and you used to do.
Yeah.
You used to be like, yeah, hey, we're giving away tickets, you know,
one on one the Fox or whoever's giving away tickets, the Rock or somebody.
Or you get a block of them, you know, five for $50 or something.
None of that goes on anymore because they need to make as much money as they can off of this.
And it's not like the Eagles have some big elaborate stage show, you know,
a troupe of dancers and tons of lights or anything.
No, they're doing it just because they can.
Yeah.
It's whatever the market will bear.
Yeah.
I mean, I suppose I would pay that much for maybe if the Beatles weren't all dead.
Well, you know, a lot of them weren't dead.
Half of them weren't dead.
Yeah.
And they were to get back together.
I would probably pay that much to see them just to say I saw them.
Elvis.
For the prices they want, I'm happy to go see the tribute band for a, you know,
for a tenth of the price.
Yeah.
Seriously.
I could go see an Eagles tribute band and buy the, you know, bar food and some merchandise.
And, you know, we could have a really good time.
But for 10 times that, I could maybe see the Eagles.
Eh.
No thanks.
I know this.
There's a lot of cover bands out there or tribute bands.
They sound just as good as the other bands do now.
And they're a lot more responsive about doing the songs you want to hear as opposed to a lot of these older bands are like,
you know, we're sick of that song.
We ain't playing it no more.
Yeah.
And that always pissed me off.
Oh yeah.
It's, I don't, it's like no regard for the fan.
You know, this used to piss me off by the way though when I was younger and I didn't want to hear the hits.
I wanted to hear the songs that I really loved on the second side and all that, you know.
Yeah.
Like the deep tracks.
Yeah.
I would go see Ozzy in every fucking time, you know, last four songs like paranoid iron man.
Let's see.
Crazy train.
Yeah.
It's just, oh.
And it's like mix it up.
There was something else in there.
But then I realized you'd say this to other people.
They look at you like you're insane.
It's like, I know.
It's what they want.
What song are you talking about?
And I realized, you know, you're like this too, cause you are a true music fan.
Yeah.
You go see Alice Cooper.
You don't want to see schools out as the last song, do you?
Yeah.
I'm kind of, kind of over that.
Yeah.
Cause it's been.
Me either.
I'd rather go see.
Since 1972, he's been pretty much using that as his last song.
Yeah.
And that's because it works.
Yeah.
It does.
Yeah.
You know, all of a sudden the beach balls come out and he's got his, he's got his cane.
He starts poking at people.
Yeah.
Introduces each member and they do a little solo and yeah, it just goes on and on.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
But yeah, it's, it's fun when the band cranks out some song that's like, you know, buried
on the second side of the third album and you're like one of 10 people in the whole
audience that recognizes the song and you're going, yeah.
I think, I think this Motley crew that did that one time on a tour, they threw in like
let's see, I think it was theater of pain was like really, except it had a couple of
hits.
It was like the third album, wasn't it?
Yeah.
It was her third album.
The first one was too fast for love.
Second one was shot at the devil.
Everybody knew the songs on there.
Well, everybody knew songs on theater of pain, but the only knew two.
It was the cover song is smoking in boy, boys room by virtual station.
Then the second one was home sweet home.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
And they had songs like save our soul, fight for your rights, stuff like that.
And I think they played, let's see, something about, let's see something about rock or let's
all rock or for the right to rock or something like that.
And they played it in concert and they said like, you know, they're like, everybody went
to the bathroom.
Yeah.
I think it's Nikki Sixx that said that he goes, man, everybody went to the shitter and
it was like the place was a ghost town.
It's sure enough since we play one of the songs, everybody knows all of a sudden they
all came back.
And also they went into Dr. Feelgood and like all these fuckers are back in their seats.
So it sucks, you know, it sucks for people like us that, you know, that like want to
hear something else.
And then also it's also hard on the band too, because a lot of them forgot the songs.
Yeah.
And they have to have the lighting set for all these different songs.
It's not like they can afford to just throw one in every third show or something.
The show has to be pretty much the same every night if there's complex lighting, choreography,
that kind of thing.
So it's either in the set list for the tour or it's not most of the time.
Occasionally it's like, okay, we have a little section in the middle where we all sit down
and we play whatever we feel.
You know, you see them do the little, the semi unplugged in the middle of the concert
where they all get together in the middle of the stage and sit there and do that.
That's kind of the area where it's like, okay, let's pull out some old stuff.
Let's do some covers.
If somebody shouts a request, maybe we'll do that.
But you know, that's the unscripted part of the show.
Yeah.
But not every act can pull that off in the middle of a show.
You don't want to see every act doing that.
You know, I would love to see, it'll never happen because just because of the dynamic
and the way it is.
But I'd love to see like just a, hang on, stop the concert.
We're going to have three songs here and you all yell which one you want to hear.
It's a good multiple choice.
Yeah.
That would be kind of neat, but it'll never happen.
Yeah.
Like I said, you know, let's say it was Van Halen.
They'd come out and go, oh, let's see, talk about love.
Let's see.
Jamie's crying.
Yeah.
It would not be the song like even top Jimmy or something like that, which wasn't somewhat
of a radio hit.
Yeah.
No one would yell for that one.
Yeah.
It would just be like, yeah.
Atomic funk.
Yeah.
That was a good one.
That was.
Yeah.
Or some of my favorite ones, like some of that guitar, especially on the first three
or four albums.
Yeah.
Like shit on Mean Street.
Yeah.
Mean Street was good.
Oh my God.
Fair warning.
I just really did not get the pub that it deserved.
I don't feel, I mean that thing, that was Diver Down was another just fucking blistering
album.
So.
Yeah.
Diver Down got criticized a bit for having more than one cover song on it.
Yeah, but you know, can you really call them covers?
I know.
They really kind of made it their own in a lot of those cases.
So is it the one with Intruder, right?
And they had Dancing in the Streets.
Yes.
And, but yeah, I think it was Pretty Woman, Dancing in the Streets.
And I think there was one other.
One other cover, yeah.
Yeah.
But the thing is, is I dare anyone to hear Intruder.
And yeah, the, you know, the actual song that they covered did sound somewhat like it.
But I mean, the songs put together, they're just, they're not the same songs.
Yeah.
They're not even close.
Yeah.
And it's a whole other interpretation.
It's not like, you know, a band covering it and trying to sound like the record.
It's, you know, here's a song we like and here's, here's how it's done Van Halen style.
Yeah.
This is like any Van Halen.
Like, I don't know, being blasted off of his mind and coke or something and just being
like, oh my God, you know, this is a Pretty Woman's a pretty cool song.
But man, what if I, what if I put this in front of it?
No.
And then, then he gets a little bit further, you know?
I was like, who do I call this?
I'm going to call it intruder because if you hear the title and then you listen to it,
you definitely hear what he's saying.
Yeah.
That's an intrusive song.
It's very intrusive.
That's a song that goes in your ear hole.
Yeah.
Kind of like this podcast.
Yeah.
Dragging the podcast with it.
Yes.
Like a fist full of barbed wire.
Just as gentle too.
Yes.
So I would, yeah, I would agree.
But okay, we were talking about the Eagles, right?
Yeah.
Now to me, the Eagles are blatantly ripping people off and they don't give a shit if the
Joe Van goes.
They don't want you there.
Yeah, they really don't.
They don't want you there.
Yeah.
I hate the money grab aspect of them.
It's disheartening to, you know, they don't have to do that.
Music went through a period where it was all blatant commercialism and then it seemed like
it went out of that and it was more about the music and appreciating your fans.
But some acts it's still all about top dollar and they kind of get the attitude of, well,
this is our band so therefore we're going to give you the best and we expect to be paid
accordingly.
I think it is a pride thing a lot of it.
Yeah, I would agree.
But seriously, y'all are starting to get really, really old and going to die and you don't
care that there's a bunch of us that will never be able to see you.
That's what I'm talking about disheartening.
Is it's just like, yeah, we may never tour again after this.
You know, we know this and we don't care.
No, even the Rolling Stones aren't that bad.
And you know, Paul McCartney isn't that bad when I don't think he does it anymore, but
when he would do a show here or there or whatever.
Billy Joel's pretty bad, but not that bad.
What's wrong with a band like scaling down their stage show and going on a tour of smaller
venues like anywhere from twenty five hundred to seventy five hundred seats and you know,
just staying in the cheaper hotels and you're not trying to make a million bucks, but just
go out there and play for people for ten bucks each.
Yeah.
There's nothing wrong with it now.
All you're seeing is green is what this is.
They could do it completely differently.
And another thing about the Eagles is it's not stage show.
I mean, this is a Hotel California tour where they play Hotel California all the way through.
Oh, start to finish.
Yeah.
And they just stand there.
And they all.
Meanwhile, when you guys are doing something productive, these two are just yammering on
and on.
I'll just basically stand there.
There's no choreography.
There's no lights change occasionally.
But I mean, you go to like an Ozzie show or a WASP show or or even like Chris Isaac, you
know, and he moves around and, you know, different places of the stage.
And sometimes there's props and it's like the Eagles, it's you just they just kind of
stand there and sing.
And that's that's great.
But where where we spent what are we spending the money on if it's not a big stage show
and elaborate production?
It's just all going to these guys.
Yeah, exactly.
And that's that's what I have a problem with is right there is is now, you know, now you
talk about the that album itself is written masterfully is what I mean, the music is just
insane.
It's so so sound.
Yeah, it's it's and it works so well as an album.
It's one of those in a small list, relatively small list of albums that is just perfect
for the time and perfect in and of itself.
There's a Fleetwood Mac album like that.
There is an Elton John album like that.
Yes.
Ozzie's in Black Sabbath Paranoid was just perfect for that time.
Oh, yeah.
And it's like there have been albums like that.
It's like every track is awesome.
Everything works.
And at the time it came out, it just blew up.
And it's it's it's usually a once in a career kind of thing.
And Hotel California just took over the world when it came out.
It was and then the longevity, too.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, still to this day, I mean, it's still revered as one of the best albums ever.
Yeah.
And musically, it's a musician's musician.
Yeah.
I mean, it's an album that every musician respects, whether they like the music or not.
They're like, oh, my God, you have that writing on their instruments.
And it's a rarity when it's it's full of songs that everybody can sing along and recognize
the melodies and everything.
But if you're a musician and you try to play it the way they played it, you realize, wow,
this is complex.
Yeah.
This was written with some serious thought.
Yes.
And it doesn't it doesn't exude that from every note.
Like it doesn't make it unapproachable for your average fan.
You know, you can still hear the song and sing it.
But then when you dive in, it's like, damn, this is well constructed.
And who is it that sings the song Hotel California?
Is that is that Don Henley?
Yeah.
He sings a lot.
That's what I thought.
Yeah.
Other hits.
I think his voice in particular on that is I think he meant it to sound like this, but
it sounds very concerning the way he sings it.
It's masterful because he's in the hotel, California, which is probably talking about
the first church of Satan.
Yeah.
That's part of the reference.
And it could be anything where you're trapped in something you thought was going to be great,
but it really isn't.
Yeah.
It could be a metaphor.
We don't know, but it is meant to be saying like that, you know, and just the way that
he emphasizes certain words and the stress that he puts on his voice when he sings it.
It's perfect.
Another guy that did that was Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson had just a perfect amount of stress and concern whenever he needed to.
Yeah.
A lot of me in the lead singer could well be voice actor.
Yes.
You know, you're selling the song and the idea and the passion of the song with your
voice.
And yeah, there are a lot of musicians that hit the notes well, but they don't convince
you what they're saying.
No, Michael Jackson was convinced.
Or you can't understand what they're saying.
Yeah.
Especially with women.
Let me put these two into, throw this out here and see what you think.
Billie Jean and Dirty Diana.
Listen to his voice on both of those songs.
He sings that so convincingly, you know, that it's like, wow, you can almost see the woman
he's talking about, you know, and his stress on his voice sounds like he is really stressing
about that woman.
Yeah.
Someone else that has such a believable voice when he sings is Stevie Wonder.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
And have you heard, I got to go on a little bit different.
That's what this podcast does.
We go on tangents.
Yes, we do.
Stevie Wonder supposedly, according to several stars, and we can look this up right now if
we want, can see.
Yeah.
I was going to bring that up if you didn't, is that there's a lot of...
A lot of people say it's bullshit.
You can see.
I want to know.
I mean, if he is, I want to hail him as one of the greatest pranksters ever.
I'm like, dude, it's awesome.
Well, the story is that he needed a gimmick when he was starting out.
Yes.
And it wasn't uncommon for a musician to be blind.
You know, there's, you know, in all the blues musicians, you know, blind so and so, blind
so and so.
You know, the Blind Boys of Alabama was a group that recorded.
Yeah.
Blind Lemon Jefferson, you know.
So he thought, well, that'll be my hook.
He was little Stevie Wonder and he was blind.
And it stuck and it caught on and he was pretty much roped into it.
And he was past the point where he could say, oh, well, that was just a gimmick because
no one would forgive him.
So he's kind of been stuck all of his life acting blind.
You know, this is the story that these people tell.
And it's a lot of people that are and have been close to Stevie saying, yeah, brother
can see.
Yeah.
Like one of them, it was an actual, God, I'd have to look this story up, but he accidentally
let loose with an accidently on a radio show.
He said, yeah.
And Stevie was driving.
Everyone said, what?
What did I say?
I said, no, no, no.
You said Stevie was driving.
Oh, I guess I did.
Didn't I?
Yeah.
I was kidding.
Yeah.
By that time his foot was already in his mouth and yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
But I want to know because I want to say that's the greatest prank ever.
Oh, no kidding.
Even the way he does it with his face in the air.
I mean, he's got it perfected.
I think people would forgive him and it would be no big deal if he came out and said, you
know what?
This was a gimmick that got out of hand.
It wasn't like he was asking for a handout.
The guy is really talented.
Yeah.
He's probably advocated for the sight impaired community.
Yeah.
So yeah, I don't think he's.
It did not help his music career at all.
Because the guy was uber talented and it didn't matter whether he could see or not.
So he didn't do it being somewhat talented and got the rest of the way because people
felt bad for him or whatever.
No, he's very talented.
Yeah.
Very good.
You know.
I wouldn't put this anywhere near the category of stealing someone's identity or stealing
somebody's songs or anything like that.
It's
Hey, where did they go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God.
Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.