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Live from the city market, it is Two Douchebags and Microphone podcast.

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Two Douchebags and a Microphone, pasteurized for your protection.

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This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.

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People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.

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1.

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Smell.

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Go to the city market and start sniffing.

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Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and

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old sock with dark fuzzy urine.

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2.

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Look for the spot absent of patrons.

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3.

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The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.

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4.

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Let's call us at 816-512-7717.

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5.

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The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.

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6.

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Let's call us at 816-512-7717.

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7.

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The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.

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8.

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whenever you get excited one cuts loose so you can be trying to hold it in it

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just accidentally slips out yeah then automatically you gotta look at your ass

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like boom with that quiz it looked like who done that that would be so cool

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next one on the list every time a politician lies he slaps himself in the

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mouth hard and will continue to slap himself until the truth actually comes

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out I like that one so he can't do anything he just keeps hitting himself in

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the mouth hard so we very quickly have no politicians left oh yeah we very

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quickly have a lot of bloody lips and yeah just not saying anything teeth on

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the floor yeah oh yeah wouldn't be excellent just to watch you'd be hoping

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a politician lied just to see him slap himself in the mouth yep yeah yeah that

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I would dig that I would too yeah every time a grocery store is out of an item

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within two days of the sale they have to write you a check for wasted gas and

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time oh I like that one yeah you go into price chopper and like the cherries they

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had cherries on sale I go in there is like two days later none oh we're sold

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out we're gonna get a more in oh probably not mm-hmm it was just to drag

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you there at your ass into the store well I just walked off I didn't buy I

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left my cart right there and took off I was like you know what fuck you guys

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yeah you and it was right on my way home it was the one near your house over

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there in Waldo and I mean maybe if I went to a bigger one they might have had

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more but that that particular one pissed me off because they obviously didn't

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have any inventory two days into it so that'd been great if they had to write

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me a check oh I'm gonna add this to it a letter of apology oh yeah no letter of

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apology and wasted time and gas check yeah you'll see car dealerships do a

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similar thing this is this is done by individual dealerships not the car

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company like you know like Moli Nissan or whatever we'll say you know new 20

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2323 Nissan Maxima you know fully loaded only $23,000 or you know everyone's like

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wow that's a great deal but at the bottom of the screen it's telling you a

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specific inventory number which means it's just that one car yeah yeah I've

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seen that happen a lot uh-huh yeah I remember a couple of mine saw an ad like

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that they're like well that's a great deal and I said yeah but it's just on

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one car no wonder it's already going yeah it is so look here there's the

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there's the stock number and then that's when they direct you to another car and

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they claim it's a better deal anyhow and they get away with the bait and switch

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accusation because they told you although they hid it in the commercial

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that it was just the one car look it's right there yeah yeah bunch of bullshit

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yeah the grocery store is having to pay you for that they should also every time

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they rearrange the store they should have to give you a $10 bill for your

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time and energy to have to relearn where everything is in the store yeah there

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there wouldn't be a store left I love that you know I had I remember all the

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major retailers do that I remember asking once why isn't there an app like

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price chopper app where you're in the price chopper and it tells you exactly

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where everything is and Lowe's Lowe's is really good too it says Bay 9, Row 7

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but the reason grocery stores like price chopper don't do that is it because it's

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intended for you to walk the entire store and see everything and buy a lot

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of stuff yesterday the flower is here it's not here now so you got to walk to

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the store and see all the little gimmicks and all the little sugary treats

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and all this stuff with all the markup and all that they make it as difficult

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as possible if you walk in get what you need and walk right out yes they want

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you to walk through every bit of that store that you can even if you just

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need flowers they don't care they want you to walk through the whole store and

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find them and look at everything what I've noticed about price chopper

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specifically I'll walk in the front door and there's lots of bins and displays

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and things just you know it's like a game of Frogger there's no clear

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straight path across they're all scattered here you got to walk around

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and around and around and around and keep zigzagging around then you finally

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get to the aisles of food and they're offset you can't look down and see the

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end of the store right they're all set you can only see a few feet in any one

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direction that way you have to head down that aisle to see if what you want is in

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there they've it's like a rat maze and they pushed you in to say in order to

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get through it to the checkout lane you've got to walk every damn inch of

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this store yeah and I'll go another step further on their little psychology deal

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here all the most bought items are in the middle towards the bottom so in the

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way you're coming you have to go through half of that row like let's say cooking

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oil it's never on the end where someone can grab it it's always in the middle

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because everybody uses cooking yeah butter never on the end because everybody

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uses butter milk never on the end all of this is always in the middle they want

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you to do at least half to the aisle yeah yeah and the front half of the

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store that you walk into is crammed with impulse buys yes magazines batteries

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toys you know cheese tats just anything like oh I want one of those that looks

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cool yeah none of it you plan to buy when you walk like you said impulse

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buys and you know what's gonna be fun all I want to do is I want to go to into

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price chocolate with somebody and I want to discuss this loudly with them while

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we walk through the store you can see here they've set up like a rat maze

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where you just talk about it loudly so the other customers can hear us and see

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if they throw me out I want to do that and see if they throw me out I don't

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think that we have any recourse if you're just talking to someone about it

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I guess they can person they could always say we reserve the right to

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refuse service to anybody well you know what you're right there's any store can

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do that yeah well just be funny though just go in and call them on everything

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they're doing and make everyone around be aware of it I said we do that

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sometime just do an experiment and try two different stores that'd be pretty

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cool wouldn't it be fantastic if anyone that gives out unwanted advice must

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prove in a court of law that they are in fact using that advice and not just a

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self-righteous asshole or parroting what so they heard somebody else say five

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exactly yeah they heard it on the radio or TV and I'm like well you know that

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50% of and you know all this stuff and yeah but yeah it'd be great it's like

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okay it's kind of like the red flag progressive commercial yeah yeah you

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ought to be able to throw a flag you go now I call bullshit on this and I'll see

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you in court what's your next day off Thursday okay you need to prove to me

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that you're not just a blowhard yeah yeah yeah like a good example would be

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with Kim Kardashian told people just to get up and start working hard you'll be

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successful just quickly in court it's like yeah you won the birth lottery

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yeah you organized you engineered a sex tape to get everyone's attention you

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got a billion dollars of the plastic surgery and a TV show how is it that

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worked hard you fixed about crime when your dad got famous for getting a

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murderer off yeah yeah hypocrisy running amok yeah or the people that say you

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know they see that you're you have depression they're like we'll just get

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out of it just just think about the good things you like I've never had

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depression but that's always bothered me because don't you think they've thought

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of that yeah it's a way to belittle and trivialize someone's major illness if it

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wasn't that major of issue why would so many people commit suicide it was just

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something you go I'm being silly again sorry I never thought of that before

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thank you what I like to say in response is oh okay and you just don't be afraid

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of spiders yeah yeah and you know oh that's different of course it's

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different don't walk in front of a car don't be afraid of a car it'll stop

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yeah I have no was if we could all just snap yeah just person like that okay

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take your own advice let's see you just not be afraid of anything just tell

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yourself yeah yeah you truly believe that then fucking do it yeah so and that

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was the court of law comes in yeah the court of law you have to prove it I like

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that yeah I do too all right the next one wouldn't it be fantastic if then

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you're gonna love this one what blankets and counter programmers must go to

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classes on what arguments to partake in and ways to actually help the world and

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not take a shit on it yes yes too many times it's someone who is very

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passionate about their belief but has absolutely no explanation or reason or

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any convincing thing to say all they've got is passion yeah I believe in it I

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love it it's wonderful everyone should like it never nothing ever if I heard

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them ever offer any advice yeah all I hear is a and I don't think that's true

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well why why don't you think it's true yeah never seem to that because I've

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done that before go well why do you say that and then they don't answer so yeah

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I like that one a lot because we talked about counter programmers and blankets a

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lot on this program and we hate them a lot of this bandwagoning yeah yeah I

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want to be on this side that doesn't like it exactly yeah and a lot of it is

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is they don't even know what it is what they support no they have a jump on it

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because I see a couple of people do it they're like well I'm gonna do that the

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people I follow on Twitter support this so I'm gonna too I'm not even gonna

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think one of the best one of the best ones I've ever seen this reminds me of

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this it's not quite the same thing but along the same realm okay that man show

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the man show remember the man show years ago when Jimmy Kimmel was actually funny

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like a long time ago it was a long time ago they had support no no no let's see

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they had a petition against women's suffrage suffrage not suffering

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suffrage yes so anyone with half a brain at all knows that means the right to

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vote it does not mean women suffering and they had so many women on their

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sign in that oh yeah I'm sick of it yeah so women were basically just on face

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value they were giving up their right they have like a little sit-down table

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there and it said that and only one guy caught it and a couple of women caught

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it but everyone else signed it like yeah I'm sick of this shit going on

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don't even know who was suffering but if they want they were gonna do about it

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yeah they're just gonna go sign this because they thought wow this makes

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sense this is hey you guys gotta want you guys want to talk you want to go

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once else are you feeling bad game yeah anything yeah it was it was typical

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she's fashion we're kind of getting out of football because it's getting too

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much just for the gambler anymore yeah they take all these timeouts and stuff

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for the gambler they want it they want to give you time to place a bet and now

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they openly talk about it I mean you know it's becoming it's a it's an

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entertainment where they do it on the broadcast yeah yeah they'll come up with

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like odds and everything I'll tell you what the line is and the over under

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and they'll give you stats you can place bets more efficiently it's just all

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serving the gambler anymore it's became too much of a it's a touting service yeah

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that's what they call them touts when they promote the races of the gambling

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yeah yeah so no it is it is too much money to be not even college no it is

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and I agree you gotta kind of go down to the high school level before it's back

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to where you kind of remember a thing I love the high school football game is so

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good I think stuffers say something about that they were like high school basketball is more

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relatable to NBA than it is college I would agree I would agree to a normal

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Hammond Eager like us I mean why wouldn't it appeal to us because we don't

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we don't get that other side of the world that these people do you know they

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won they won the genetic lottery and with a lot of hard work but you know I

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could never do that Topher could never do that you know it's so it's really hard

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to relate because they're automatically on another level so but you know I don't

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condemn them I mean if you get what you can out of life yeah it's just the way

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the sports being run yeah the individual athlete I don't think can get anything

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near the satisfaction that they could like through three generations ago even

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though you're getting paid a lot more yeah I think it's a much more empty

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experience overall it's all for superficial

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we were talking along the same lines it's interesting it's interesting you

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brought that up because we were talking along the same lines earlier and we

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agree with you wholeheartedly but a lot of times when we're wanting to buy

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something we want the person providing it to put their heart and soul into it

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but for so much else of society it's like that's just considered a foolish

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waste of time it's good enough yeah we should make cards we do need to make

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cards yeah it's to do spags and microphone dot net and we're on all

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major platforms here I'll write it down for you just give it to you and we're

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eventually gonna have a number so if you ever want to call up feel free to we're

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gonna get a website designer to help us out because we can't really get it done

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ourselves we had kind of teach ourselves audio recording and process

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we're getting better at that allegedly yeah this is all one word and we're on

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all major platforms yes sir but iTunes it's really hard to find us because they

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have this system they kind of like to that you kind of have to have different

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views and I think there's like another tier that you can pay for to get more

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recognized so good luck finding us on that but we are on it somewhere yeah but

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we're on it yeah hey man what's your name Matthew very nice to meet you

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very nice to meet you both you're gonna be on our next episode yeah take care

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it's good talking to you yeah I love it down here so many interesting yeah

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testament to the effectiveness of the banner yeah that's what wonders we are

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we ever got anyone to stop by and talk before the banner but now it's like

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everybody stops and well you're using the bathroom a guy combined to the

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picture nice yeah I asked him if he had anything to say he said not today but

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later on he will alright where was I wouldn't be yeah

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fantastic yes yeah hey anyone wearing a man but must have apology flash cards on

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hand to address anyone that might have accidentally witnessed the atrocity oh I

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like that idea yeah yeah so these weren't a man bun he must have flash

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cards with an apology going hey I'm sorry I'm a douchebag and you have to

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see that not a not a good douchebag like that no yeah I'm sorry I'm a follow the

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leader guy I'm not a leader I'm sorry I don't think for myself I'm sorry I'm a

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weak weak-bellied spineless dumbass yeah I saw an epic man bum the other day at

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Texas Roadhouse did you burn it I wanted to but I was too full to get up from the

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table and do anything about it I had this great big awesome rib eye opportunity to take a lighter to

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so he had gathered all of his hair up on top of the head his head on a round ball

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uh-huh but instead of making it a nice tight or a smooth to the scalp it was

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loose so it sagged down in this hair form for all the world it looked like a

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big giant hair pancake on his head and then that ball on top like a big hairy

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ball of whipped cream he looked like he had a hair pancake with a hair ball of

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whipped cream on top of his head oh my god and as he would walk it would wiggle side to side back to

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forth and it looked like that pancake on his head was gonna slip off it was the most ugly

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revolting and this is an eating establishment I got it you know what I kind of respect that a little bit

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because he took it to the extreme like yeah look how stupid I can get yeah he's like I'm gonna

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gross all you motherfuckers out with my hair ball now ponytails are okay I'm not sure I should have got a picture of it

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I mean my hair isn't a ponytail right now so I'm okay with ponytails but what I'm not okay is with is the side pony

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oh yeah yeah yeah um I'll tell you made it famous my opinion was Napoleon Dynamite the chick on there

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yes because after she did it all these chicks started doing it being the awkward girl with the side pony tail

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yeah and you know all it looks like to me is your arms are two different lengths and you couldn't reach

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around the back of the head because one arm's longer than the other it doesn't look right it's like why did you do that

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it's just I mean it was over five years ago but you turn on that that chip and Joanna Gaines show

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side pony constantly on that oh yeah it's just the stupidest thing ever of course that that couple is

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revoltingly stupid all of them are on these white people renovating shit houses shows they're always

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white people it's always white and it's always an Hispanic contractor too yeah yeah and you know the

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dude does all the work and acts like an open an idiot and the wife does all the little design stuff

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and treats her husband like a child and then the real show after show you see the Hispanic guy come in

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yeah and he's like yeah we're gonna do that yeah and they do all the real work and then the white guy

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comes in behind him it's like yeah oh boy glad we're done with that oh yeah what a task but he didn't

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do anything except this watch the Hispanics fucking work yeah and yeah the the big white guy husband

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guy whatever he's supposed to be the main construction worker he spends more time on camera playing with

245
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his kids or talking with friends or joking with his wife he maybe will swing a hammer once or

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twice he'll spend three times as much time on camera doing feel-good moments and not actually

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work exactly and then another thing is is they don't want you to see the Hispanic people working

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so bad that they skipped through it and they just show him tear down the last wall yeah those

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celebrity makeovers or extreme makeover whatever shows there was those very quickly people learned

250
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that the celebrities like that tie what a Pennington or whatever yeah yeah yeah Pennington he'd only show

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up and work when the cameras are rolling the cameras quit he was gone and it was left the local

252
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contractors with substandard materials and pretty much every one of those you know makeover houses

253
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had to be torn apart and redone for tens and tens of thousands of dollars because it was all shit

254
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and it wasn't up to go you notice on the TV shows they never had the code inspector come through and

255
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say this passes this fails this bad they never had code coming to look at it they just dump it

256
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on the family and say your mess now and then they have to pay for all the repairs they can't live in

257
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it until it's up to code and now it's worth so much more they have to pay higher taxes it basically

258
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ruins the people that thing almost got on your head I mean it just was like that above your head

259
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I didn't even feel like it was entertaining landing on you and then you moved a little bit is like

260
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that would have been kind of funny I don't know those claws might be pretty stout I probably would

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take the crap on me yeah I knew I was ranting about something the next one you're really gonna

262
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appreciate you anyone who says they like the taste of kale but they must pass a polygraph test

263
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anything is proven false you must offer free seminars on how not to be a gullible sheeple

264
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we can even go as far as putting them in an MRI having them eat a pound of kale and see if the

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pleasure centers of their brain light up wait I think that's automatic yeah we do that automatically

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I like that idea better that's better polygraph because here we can actually see how their brain

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is responding we can see their brain like decrease in like folding up into itself when they taste

268
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that brain cell death increases rapidly yeah yeah so that would be definite proof positive

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that radioactive material that they found at the bottom they couldn't get rid of that they

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convinced people that it was great tasting it's like this at one time the makers of Lysol you

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know that that that spray disinfectant at one time they marketed that as a douche you're supposed

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to just pour Lysol which has a lot of formaldehyde up into your pooch oh and basically would kill

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you from the inside out yeah I think they need to stick with vinegar good old Lysol they didn't

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care whether you killed yourself they just wanted to sell a few more bottles of product oh but but

275
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the makers of Lysol have your best interests in mind Lysol loves this why else would they improve

276
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our life so much oh the enormous profits that's right I forgot about the enormous profits involved

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they would never lie to us oh unless they could make some money else they could make some money

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yeah all right this next one any person who's caught fake listening to someone while buried in

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their phone must pass a test of repeating what the victim has said previously and then and if

280
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then convicted of fake listening she'll be spammed relentlessly for two days yes so his phone will be

281
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his or just blown up with spam and you know whenever you say something like uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh and you

282
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know they're not listening to you because they're answering someone or something you know I you know

283
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why don't they just go hang on a second I'm in the middle of something you know no they're instead

284
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of gonna go yeah and then when you question they're oh no I was listening and they take one key word

285
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that they happen to catch like yes yeah refrigerators and then most of us are just like fucking I know

286
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you weren't listening but you said refrigerator so I kind of got to go along with it it's fun to

287
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catch the people who are you're watching a movie or a show or something with someone they're

288
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constantly on their phone every time their eyes leave the screen go their phone hit pause I love

289
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it and when they look up like what's like well I saw the movies you wouldn't miss any well it's

290
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okay just going without me it's like no that's fine I'll wait oh wait I'm happy to wait I don't

291
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I want to make sure we both watch it together yes and just constantly pause pause pause and

292
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find that they'll get the message that yeah this ain't happening unless your eyes are on the screen

293
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and you know a person like that better not ask me what's going on well who's that character what

294
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are they talking about what's going on I didn't notice it you weren't looking at the screen where

295
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you you're looking I'm sorry I'm sorry I was on my phone I just start saying I don't know I'll

296
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have to watch again I don't know you're not watching I'm not gonna be your interpreter

297
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yeah and also I mean I even people on the movie screen because we went and seen a man called

298
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Otto a couple weeks ago and I have some interesting takes on that too that we can get to right after

299
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because I meant to do it for a while now for a couple of weeks but I just never I don't know

300
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what forgotten or whatever so okay last but not least anyone named drop it must produce a picture

301
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of said person's and the bragger together if they cannot it is builder's choice on punishment from

302
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a barefoot to stomp to a crack in the nab sickle yeah so people will name drop on products too

303
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yes so I don't like Jaguar up there's like let me see a picture of you in the Jaguar and the BIN

304
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and your keys yes yep yeah and if not then whatever you want to stomp nab sickle light them on fire

305
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whatever it's builder's choice you make the decision on what happens to said bragger to said

306
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name dropper yeah there's a Facebook group that I'm several that I'm a member of that are like

307
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you know Epiphone guitar owners and modders or the garage owners group or this kind of thing and

308
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anytime anyone says oh I just bought a new guitar it's a new guitar day if they don't post a picture

309
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everyone calls them on it oh that's great yeah if then you think the standard response is without

310
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pictures this post is worthless basically saying we don't believe you we got to see pictures so

311
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anymore people will put up pictures they have to otherwise no one no one believe yep

312
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oh lord that man just saw the puppy in half hey there don't worry I have a clown nose

313
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that drunk guy just hit my child it is okay I have a clown nose clown noses are sold at

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egg stores online and pedophile conventions grab one today and make magic happen if a 10-pound

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bag of shit could talk this is what it would sound like two ass bags in a box of cheese it's

316
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will be right back hi everybody this is mark here with quick hits my first one Taco Bell is

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pissed Taco Bell has filed a motion in federal court to try to have Taco Tuesday public domain

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again Taco John's owns the registered trademark Taco John's has over 400 locations in 22 states

319
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they federally trademarked the Taco Tuesday in 1989 and has never been contested as far as I

320
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:32,480
could find Taco Bell claims it's too common of a phrase it should never have been trademarked in

321
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the first place I personally see Taco Tuesday on virtually every privately owned Mexican restaurant

322
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all over town Taco John's could not have the resources to halt this I'm thinking that you

323
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know that could be the angle that Taco Bell takes the phrase has been used all over for years and

324
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has never been stopped but I mean why would Taco Bell want this anyhow I just don't see this being

325
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anything big unless they're just trying to get a cheap headline because let's face it on Taco

326
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Tuesday nobody wants to go to Taco Bell where they want to go is they want to go to their

327
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family-owned Mexican restaurant down the street they want to get the two-for-one margaritas they

328
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:20,760
want to get smashed and eat some great tasting authentic tacos not Taco Bell now don't get me

329
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:26,400
wrong I love Taco Bell like the next guy the food tastes great but this is not what you look for in

330
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Taco Tuesday and nobody does I know everybody that it partakes in Taco Tuesday has their favorite

331
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:38,160
joint down the road that's family-owned they go down there and they swig down the margaritas and

332
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they slam some tacos and they're happy no one's going to Taco Bell over this shit and I guarantee

333
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:49,280
it and I guarantee you Taco Bell knows this too so I think it's just probably just cheap heat

334
00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:53,480
they're throwing trying to get their name out there a little bit without having to pay anything

335
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:59,400
for it and I haven't really heard this story had to dig a little bit to find this story so I don't

336
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:03,480
think it worked I don't think anyone really gives a shit to tell you the truth I think they're just

337
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partaking in Taco Tuesday where they normally do and they don't give a shit so there you go Taco Bell

338
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not working we were in high school we had this guy fucking corn fed piece of crap anyhow his

339
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with his nickname was big and big and so anyhow big and was he was like a big run stopper and

340
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:46,040
really not worth anything except that I mean you know he just takes up space takes up space and

341
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that's it yeah so we'd be doing practices and big and it'd be hard to get around he just this huge

342
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fucking lump of shit so so anyhow big and was that was pretty much it okay so damn it here I am like

343
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I'm prepared because I don't ever written down and I thought I could just do it so okay big and was

344
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this run stopper and he was dirty he what he do is whenever you're in the middle of the dog pile at

345
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the bottom of the dog pile he grew his fingernails out and he would sharpen them his index finger and

346
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his thumb he'd grow them out and sharpen them so what he would do is when you're in the bottom of

347
00:34:30,040 --> 00:34:35,400
the dog pile he would get right up and he'd wear a jockstrap of course yeah and he'd get right up

348
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:40,520
against your nuts and just like pinch the fuck out of you so bad it would be black and blue for a

349
00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:48,280
month it draw blood so yes yeah and then even worse whenever his helmet would be knocked off

350
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:54,440
which was often because we were a small school and I remember Center gave us some helmets that were

351
00:34:54,440 --> 00:35:01,560
extra they got new ones and Notre Dame did Notre Dame de Sine did and real football programs gave

352
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:07,360
us free helmets yeah they were already beat the crap and used and actually we had to put our own

353
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logos on because they were what we had to make sure they were white helmets that way we could

354
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:19,360
put the blue horn on there or the group purple horn for a Viking on yeah okay so it's sort of

355
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:24,920
beat all day over the new fucking horn on so and none of them would ever fit they're always loose

356
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:29,920
we never could get them to fit right I don't know if all that beating like made him cockeyed or

357
00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:35,240
something yeah mash the foam down in weird ways yeah so we always had these helmets that would

358
00:35:35,240 --> 00:35:41,440
like fly off of us constantly so but that was one of the things about about being in that type of

359
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:46,000
a school that small firm school as the revenue wasn't really high that they were getting so you

360
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:52,040
had to do they have a football program it consisted of number one paying the school we had to pay the

361
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:58,680
school to be in football Wow yeah and and also we had to take hand-me-downs from anywhere otherwise

362
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:03,800
we'd be paying for our own equipment and we did pay for some of our own equipment imagine yeah like

363
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:08,360
there are cleats if you want a real pair of cleats a good pair of cleats you had to buy them yourself

364
00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:13,680
if you wanted was the schools assigned you they weren't worth the shit because they were hand-me-downs

365
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:20,640
yeah so and also you know like big and he was horrible in school he was terrible in school but

366
00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:27,320
you know and he went the brightest he was a dumbass and he was an asshole and he they kept him going

367
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:31,680
because they probably really needed the tax money they needed how many heads to make this much well

368
00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:37,880
yeah it's true stay in business basically that's what it was was to stay in business yeah so

369
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:47,240
big and was there as a run stopper and we had this little guy Jimmy he was faster than hell and he

370
00:36:47,240 --> 00:36:52,640
was just a little bitty guy and he was a running back and no one could stop him because he would

371
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:58,880
literally almost just like run under your feet he was like a little light and so he'd always get by

372
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:06,560
on big and so I think they're a little bit of big and being mad so there's this one play what it is

373
00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:11,440
is you couldn't turn in you know whatever big and did this you couldn't turn it in because the coach

374
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:18,560
did not like you to turn in like you know penalties or anything oh yeah no tattletales on the team

375
00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:23,560
yeah yeah he felt like that was his job to number one call penalties and number two no

376
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:29,480
tattletaling so someone like tripped you or it was holding you the worst thing you could do is go hey

377
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:35,000
he held me and he'd make everybody run gassers yeah gassers were the field side to side two times

378
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:40,640
punish everyone to make you shut up yes and then in locker room to get your ass with you know that

379
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:50,840
five miles Wallace bam bam bam knock the piss out of you kick the hell out of you laugh so so big

380
00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:58,360
as could get away with it knowing that you'd be the bigger rat for turning him in yes yeah so so

381
00:37:58,360 --> 00:38:03,720
you had to kind of take it I mean it I have plenty of welts underneath my ball sack I hated this

382
00:38:03,720 --> 00:38:09,400
fucker so everybody hated this fucker but nobody wanted to do it to anyone else you know no one did

383
00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:16,720
it back to him we didn't do it to each other it's just it was too dirty yeah so like I before

384
00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:21,560
mentioned everybody's helmets fall off routinely no big deal because I mean they're beat all the

385
00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:26,400
hell when we got them they were cockeyed they didn't work yeah very well but that's all we had

386
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:33,480
unless you wanted to buy a brand new one and you know we were mowing lawns yeah you know so you know

387
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:39,720
so we're using those so there was this one play we were getting ready to play I think Drexel which

388
00:38:39,720 --> 00:38:45,480
was our arch rival like everything you've seen at like fast times at Ridgemont High killed

389
00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:57,360
Jefferson the signs yeah the assembly yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

390
00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:04,040
I was pretty much a freak yeah that they pretty much forced into playing football you're more

391
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:10,320
happy it's Friday night than you are about anything else fucking be here I want to go out on the gravel

392
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:15,840
roads if I could smash beers with my friends I want to be here but I played because I really got pretty much

393
00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:21,480
pressured into it come on we need people because we really did need people yeah I mean we had

394
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:27,080
pretty much one in every position and one guy that could do a little bit of everything like one guy

395
00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:31,480
that could do four things one guy that could do five things another guy that could do three things

396
00:39:31,480 --> 00:39:38,760
and those were our backups we have like no actual real backup person yeah no first string second

397
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:46,160
string it was a little more immediate than that yeah so I mean so they really did need me yeah so

398
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:55,400
Biggin was in the middle of this pile and this was we were practicing against our arch rivals

399
00:39:55,400 --> 00:40:03,120
and this is late September yeah but it was really hot so one of you is the practice team wearing

400
00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:10,200
the other teams yeah yeah we're in Drexel's colors yeah in the white so it was really hot it's like

401
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:15,080
around a hundred degrees it's like winter's last or summer's last oh yeah like flipping you off

402
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:20,440
slamming the door and I remember very well I mean we were all just fucking hotter hill sweating ham

403
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:26,320
chunks fucking gravy back then they thought it was better if you didn't drink water yeah yeah you're

404
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:34,480
right yeah they did yep so we're all in that dog pile and all of a sudden I hear like yeah oh my

405
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:43,440
god and I'm like and so Jimmy he had this problem with some sort of weird ass pariasis or jock itch

406
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:48,120
or something I'm not sure what it was it was something like that and it was on the inside of

407
00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:53,880
his thigh right up there like a fungal infection yeah it probably was but it was probably combined

408
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:58,600
the heat combined with the material from the jock strap but I remember he was showing people

409
00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:04,600
in there man this shit sucks it hurts like fuck I can't put on my jock strap well he had to go

410
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:10,800
without one so he was in practice just hoping he didn't get fucking wrecked because that's the

411
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:14,800
only thing that would save you was your jock strap yeah got smacked in the nuts it wouldn't

412
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:21,400
hurt nearly as bad because you're like safely tucked away kind of distributes the impact around

413
00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:26,960
a little bit instead of the little fling it's like yeah yeah that like also just stunned you

414
00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:32,520
and you don't know where you're at for a minute yeah time stops and then you think you're dying

415
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:38,080
and then you hope you're dying yeah then you wish you were dead and then you walk off gingerly

416
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:51,160
so Jimmy could not wear a jock strap so we hear this fucking scream in the pain so also

417
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:56,440
Jimmy gets up and blood is running down the inside of his white pants I mean not just kind

418
00:41:56,440 --> 00:42:03,640
of I mean it was running and the coach automatically he freaks out he's like ah son of a bitch so he

419
00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:07,440
runs over there and the first thing he does he pulled down his pants because you know number

420
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:11,840
one he thought there was a jock strap underneath there and he didn't expect it all to just fuck

421
00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:17,400
and flop out number two there's a huge bite marks on his fucking nut oh my god and there's

422
00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:23,120
blood running everywhere and the coach just flips out who the hell did this who did this

423
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:33,560
who did this and everyone like pointing at fucking you did this yeah okay so so he takes

424
00:42:33,560 --> 00:42:41,040
it and he calls the health team not the paramedics the health team that he calls him out and I think

425
00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:45,600
I actually think of Jimmy ended up going to the hospital over this imagine they probably

426
00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:52,680
chomped through a blood vessel probably so they had the health team come out there and

427
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:58,240
they're over there trying to fucking do pressure and Jimmy screaming which I'd be fucking crying

428
00:42:58,240 --> 00:43:04,240
I tell you yeah and then fucking coach grabs fucking big and by the ear takes him straight

429
00:43:04,240 --> 00:43:11,960
into the office so big he got in a lot of shit over that but I I think he he didn't go to jail

430
00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:16,760
that day but I think he had a court date over it yeah if I remember correct this quite a while

431
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:23,800
ago but I think he went to court over it I don't think he did any time but I think I don't know

432
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:31,600
if like like right now let's say he's looking for a job in a secure like an air base or something

433
00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:37,760
or something that well like the Federal Reserve downtown I've done that job there yeah you have

434
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:44,240
to get a clearance we have any type of a record at all they will not let you in there yeah so I

435
00:43:44,240 --> 00:43:50,480
don't know if to this day if he can't get a secure job like that because he's a nut-biter I guess

436
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:55,880
that would depend on how old he was at the time because prior to a certain age oh he would have

437
00:43:55,880 --> 00:44:02,240
been 17 16 probably yeah so it's probably juvenile records and those can get sealed expunged so then

438
00:44:02,240 --> 00:44:11,120
it's probably done I mean if he was 18 at the time he probably would have having the list of sex

439
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:17,160
offender yeah okay yeah I don't think that that's what happened probably went away when he was 18

440
00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:22,240
but he did get in some shit but I remember correctly it's a long time ago this is 80s

441
00:44:22,240 --> 00:44:29,280
yeah early 80s so yeah nobody wanted to deal with it back then as much as they're willing to deal

442
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:34,800
with it now no no no that was such a shock to people we all knew this shit was going on but

443
00:44:34,800 --> 00:44:39,240
he never did bite your nuts either yeah yeah everybody were at jobstrap he knew about where

444
00:44:39,240 --> 00:44:45,560
he could go yeah you kind of figured that there was a point that he wouldn't it was fucking more

445
00:44:45,560 --> 00:44:51,960
this his woman just left the coffee shop talking to herself oh okay I think she got I don't think

446
00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:59,480
she was happy with her service and walked out complaining we all got to hear it mad shitter

447
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:06,680
in Clayton Missouri well okay like I said this long time ago you know I don't know I was in my

448
00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:13,160
mid-20s I had sleep apnea and I had to wear a CPAP and then I opted for the surgery so I got surgery

449
00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:18,440
and then I went back to the doctor and the doctor was good you know this before you could buy the

450
00:45:18,440 --> 00:45:25,320
CPAP machines you had to rent it okay so it's very expensive for me to keep it another day and the

451
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:30,720
insurance told me if you don't take it back today that we're gonna start charging for it and then

452
00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:34,640
it's some outrageous something like okay where I take it back I said Clinton Missouri I'm like

453
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:41,800
what the fuck you know well you want to pay for it no okay so here I was on my way to Clinton

454
00:45:41,800 --> 00:45:47,240
Missouri you know fucking tooling there my little four-branger at the time so I tool all the way to

455
00:45:47,240 --> 00:45:51,160
Clinton take the fucker back and on the way back I'm like you know it's gonna be an hour before I

456
00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:57,000
can stop there's no station so I pull in get some gas I'm like I need a 7-up or something you know

457
00:45:57,000 --> 00:46:06,320
so I go into the crapper there and it was like both of these walls just just alongside where the

458
00:46:06,320 --> 00:46:13,120
urinals were were covered in this like liquid shit and I sense found out through a nurse they said

459
00:46:13,120 --> 00:46:20,760
they do it with a colossal bag somehow and I mean it's a gag I mean to me that's like kill someone

460
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:26,440
over that so anyhow I'm sitting there about ready to fucking gag it smells horrible so horrible and

461
00:46:26,440 --> 00:46:33,280
anyhow I'm dry heaving and just pissing as hard as I can it's hurting me and I'm pissing so hard

462
00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:39,840
that it's actually hurting me I'm like also this old man barges in I think he's the owner of the

463
00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:46,360
store and he points at me and he goes I caught him I caught him I caught the mad shitter and I'm like

464
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:53,360
what I just got in there sir meanwhile I'm still trying to piss as fast as I can I'm still dry

465
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:59,800
even it's him it's him I caught him I go I just got in there how did I shit all over everything

466
00:46:59,800 --> 00:47:05,560
my pants are up and he would not listen to me so he starts fucking harping at me behind me while

467
00:47:05,560 --> 00:47:11,720
I'm leaving that place didn't wash my hands nothing pissed all over myself and hey I'm getting the

468
00:47:11,720 --> 00:47:15,280
fuck out of there because I'm not the mad shitter and I don't want anything I don't want to be

469
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:20,280
associated with it so I'm like taking off and I'm leaving as fast as I can I'm like I'm getting my

470
00:47:20,280 --> 00:47:24,800
fucking seven up damn it I mean I'm thirsty so I don't forget my seven up and the old man's still

471
00:47:24,800 --> 00:47:33,400
behind me harping and it's him it's him I got the mad shitter and I'm sitting there just I don't know what to say at this point because he will not shut up he will not

472
00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:39,320
quit fucking chirping at me from behind me so I get up there and I'm buying my seven up I look

473
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:45,040
the lady in eyes I go I just walked in there I'm not the mad shitter and she looks at me goes sure

474
00:47:45,040 --> 00:47:52,720
you're not I don't think she believed me either she thought I was the mad shitter yeah so I bought

475
00:47:52,720 --> 00:48:00,680
my seven up and left in shame two douchebags in a microphone the number one show for people that lie

476
00:48:00,680 --> 00:48:09,880
about their favorite podcast two monkey fuckers and a toaster will be right back two douchebags

477
00:48:09,880 --> 00:48:17,440
and microphone net your one stop for everything you want to write us you want to say something to us

478
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:23,160
you want to look for a live button when we go live you can call in all of this stuff is right there

479
00:48:23,160 --> 00:48:30,720
for your ears and I hold you got it chumps it's all yours two douchebags and microphone dotnet is up

480
00:48:30,720 --> 00:48:36,760
and running hit the subscribe button don't forget to hit the subscribe button don't forget to hit the

481
00:48:36,760 --> 00:48:56,280
subscribe hey where do they go where the douchebags hmm oh my god someone took a dump in the corner

482
00:48:56,280 --> 00:49:17,800
oh geez glad they're gone let's just hope they don't come back man that smells