Live from the city market, it is Two Douchebags and Microphone podcast.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone, pasteurized for your protection.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
1.
Smell.
Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and
old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
2.
Look for the spot absent of patrons.
3.
The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
4.
Let's call us at 816-512-7717.
5.
The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
6.
Let's call us at 816-512-7717.
7.
The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
8.
whenever you get excited one cuts loose so you can be trying to hold it in it
just accidentally slips out yeah then automatically you gotta look at your ass
like boom with that quiz it looked like who done that that would be so cool
next one on the list every time a politician lies he slaps himself in the
mouth hard and will continue to slap himself until the truth actually comes
out I like that one so he can't do anything he just keeps hitting himself in
the mouth hard so we very quickly have no politicians left oh yeah we very
quickly have a lot of bloody lips and yeah just not saying anything teeth on
the floor yeah oh yeah wouldn't be excellent just to watch you'd be hoping
a politician lied just to see him slap himself in the mouth yep yeah yeah that
I would dig that I would too yeah every time a grocery store is out of an item
within two days of the sale they have to write you a check for wasted gas and
time oh I like that one yeah you go into price chopper and like the cherries they
had cherries on sale I go in there is like two days later none oh we're sold
out we're gonna get a more in oh probably not mm-hmm it was just to drag
you there at your ass into the store well I just walked off I didn't buy I
left my cart right there and took off I was like you know what fuck you guys
yeah you and it was right on my way home it was the one near your house over
there in Waldo and I mean maybe if I went to a bigger one they might have had
more but that that particular one pissed me off because they obviously didn't
have any inventory two days into it so that'd been great if they had to write
me a check oh I'm gonna add this to it a letter of apology oh yeah no letter of
apology and wasted time and gas check yeah you'll see car dealerships do a
similar thing this is this is done by individual dealerships not the car
company like you know like Moli Nissan or whatever we'll say you know new 20
2323 Nissan Maxima you know fully loaded only $23,000 or you know everyone's like
wow that's a great deal but at the bottom of the screen it's telling you a
specific inventory number which means it's just that one car yeah yeah I've
seen that happen a lot uh-huh yeah I remember a couple of mine saw an ad like
that they're like well that's a great deal and I said yeah but it's just on
one car no wonder it's already going yeah it is so look here there's the
there's the stock number and then that's when they direct you to another car and
they claim it's a better deal anyhow and they get away with the bait and switch
accusation because they told you although they hid it in the commercial
that it was just the one car look it's right there yeah yeah bunch of bullshit
yeah the grocery store is having to pay you for that they should also every time
they rearrange the store they should have to give you a $10 bill for your
time and energy to have to relearn where everything is in the store yeah there
there wouldn't be a store left I love that you know I had I remember all the
major retailers do that I remember asking once why isn't there an app like
price chopper app where you're in the price chopper and it tells you exactly
where everything is and Lowe's Lowe's is really good too it says Bay 9, Row 7
but the reason grocery stores like price chopper don't do that is it because it's
intended for you to walk the entire store and see everything and buy a lot
of stuff yesterday the flower is here it's not here now so you got to walk to
the store and see all the little gimmicks and all the little sugary treats
and all this stuff with all the markup and all that they make it as difficult
as possible if you walk in get what you need and walk right out yes they want
you to walk through every bit of that store that you can even if you just
need flowers they don't care they want you to walk through the whole store and
find them and look at everything what I've noticed about price chopper
specifically I'll walk in the front door and there's lots of bins and displays
and things just you know it's like a game of Frogger there's no clear
straight path across they're all scattered here you got to walk around
and around and around and around and keep zigzagging around then you finally
get to the aisles of food and they're offset you can't look down and see the
end of the store right they're all set you can only see a few feet in any one
direction that way you have to head down that aisle to see if what you want is in
there they've it's like a rat maze and they pushed you in to say in order to
get through it to the checkout lane you've got to walk every damn inch of
this store yeah and I'll go another step further on their little psychology deal
here all the most bought items are in the middle towards the bottom so in the
way you're coming you have to go through half of that row like let's say cooking
oil it's never on the end where someone can grab it it's always in the middle
because everybody uses cooking yeah butter never on the end because everybody
uses butter milk never on the end all of this is always in the middle they want
you to do at least half to the aisle yeah yeah and the front half of the
store that you walk into is crammed with impulse buys yes magazines batteries
toys you know cheese tats just anything like oh I want one of those that looks
cool yeah none of it you plan to buy when you walk like you said impulse
buys and you know what's gonna be fun all I want to do is I want to go to into
price chocolate with somebody and I want to discuss this loudly with them while
we walk through the store you can see here they've set up like a rat maze
where you just talk about it loudly so the other customers can hear us and see
if they throw me out I want to do that and see if they throw me out I don't
think that we have any recourse if you're just talking to someone about it
I guess they can person they could always say we reserve the right to
refuse service to anybody well you know what you're right there's any store can
do that yeah well just be funny though just go in and call them on everything
they're doing and make everyone around be aware of it I said we do that
sometime just do an experiment and try two different stores that'd be pretty
cool wouldn't it be fantastic if anyone that gives out unwanted advice must
prove in a court of law that they are in fact using that advice and not just a
self-righteous asshole or parroting what so they heard somebody else say five
exactly yeah they heard it on the radio or TV and I'm like well you know that
50% of and you know all this stuff and yeah but yeah it'd be great it's like
okay it's kind of like the red flag progressive commercial yeah yeah you
ought to be able to throw a flag you go now I call bullshit on this and I'll see
you in court what's your next day off Thursday okay you need to prove to me
that you're not just a blowhard yeah yeah yeah like a good example would be
with Kim Kardashian told people just to get up and start working hard you'll be
successful just quickly in court it's like yeah you won the birth lottery
yeah you organized you engineered a sex tape to get everyone's attention you
got a billion dollars of the plastic surgery and a TV show how is it that
worked hard you fixed about crime when your dad got famous for getting a
murderer off yeah yeah hypocrisy running amok yeah or the people that say you
know they see that you're you have depression they're like we'll just get
out of it just just think about the good things you like I've never had
depression but that's always bothered me because don't you think they've thought
of that yeah it's a way to belittle and trivialize someone's major illness if it
wasn't that major of issue why would so many people commit suicide it was just
something you go I'm being silly again sorry I never thought of that before
thank you what I like to say in response is oh okay and you just don't be afraid
of spiders yeah yeah and you know oh that's different of course it's
different don't walk in front of a car don't be afraid of a car it'll stop
yeah I have no was if we could all just snap yeah just person like that okay
take your own advice let's see you just not be afraid of anything just tell
yourself yeah yeah you truly believe that then fucking do it yeah so and that
was the court of law comes in yeah the court of law you have to prove it I like
that yeah I do too all right the next one wouldn't it be fantastic if then
you're gonna love this one what blankets and counter programmers must go to
classes on what arguments to partake in and ways to actually help the world and
not take a shit on it yes yes too many times it's someone who is very
passionate about their belief but has absolutely no explanation or reason or
any convincing thing to say all they've got is passion yeah I believe in it I
love it it's wonderful everyone should like it never nothing ever if I heard
them ever offer any advice yeah all I hear is a and I don't think that's true
well why why don't you think it's true yeah never seem to that because I've
done that before go well why do you say that and then they don't answer so yeah
I like that one a lot because we talked about counter programmers and blankets a
lot on this program and we hate them a lot of this bandwagoning yeah yeah I
want to be on this side that doesn't like it exactly yeah and a lot of it is
is they don't even know what it is what they support no they have a jump on it
because I see a couple of people do it they're like well I'm gonna do that the
people I follow on Twitter support this so I'm gonna too I'm not even gonna
think one of the best one of the best ones I've ever seen this reminds me of
this it's not quite the same thing but along the same realm okay that man show
the man show remember the man show years ago when Jimmy Kimmel was actually funny
like a long time ago it was a long time ago they had support no no no let's see
they had a petition against women's suffrage suffrage not suffering
suffrage yes so anyone with half a brain at all knows that means the right to
vote it does not mean women suffering and they had so many women on their
sign in that oh yeah I'm sick of it yeah so women were basically just on face
value they were giving up their right they have like a little sit-down table
there and it said that and only one guy caught it and a couple of women caught
it but everyone else signed it like yeah I'm sick of this shit going on
don't even know who was suffering but if they want they were gonna do about it
yeah they're just gonna go sign this because they thought wow this makes
sense this is hey you guys gotta want you guys want to talk you want to go
once else are you feeling bad game yeah anything yeah it was it was typical
she's fashion we're kind of getting out of football because it's getting too
much just for the gambler anymore yeah they take all these timeouts and stuff
for the gambler they want it they want to give you time to place a bet and now
they openly talk about it I mean you know it's becoming it's a it's an
entertainment where they do it on the broadcast yeah yeah they'll come up with
like odds and everything I'll tell you what the line is and the over under
and they'll give you stats you can place bets more efficiently it's just all
serving the gambler anymore it's became too much of a it's a touting service yeah
that's what they call them touts when they promote the races of the gambling
yeah yeah so no it is it is too much money to be not even college no it is
and I agree you gotta kind of go down to the high school level before it's back
to where you kind of remember a thing I love the high school football game is so
good I think stuffers say something about that they were like high school basketball is more
relatable to NBA than it is college I would agree I would agree to a normal
Hammond Eager like us I mean why wouldn't it appeal to us because we don't
we don't get that other side of the world that these people do you know they
won they won the genetic lottery and with a lot of hard work but you know I
could never do that Topher could never do that you know it's so it's really hard
to relate because they're automatically on another level so but you know I don't
condemn them I mean if you get what you can out of life yeah it's just the way
the sports being run yeah the individual athlete I don't think can get anything
near the satisfaction that they could like through three generations ago even
though you're getting paid a lot more yeah I think it's a much more empty
experience overall it's all for superficial
we were talking along the same lines it's interesting it's interesting you
brought that up because we were talking along the same lines earlier and we
agree with you wholeheartedly but a lot of times when we're wanting to buy
something we want the person providing it to put their heart and soul into it
but for so much else of society it's like that's just considered a foolish
waste of time it's good enough yeah we should make cards we do need to make
cards yeah it's to do spags and microphone dot net and we're on all
major platforms here I'll write it down for you just give it to you and we're
eventually gonna have a number so if you ever want to call up feel free to we're
gonna get a website designer to help us out because we can't really get it done
ourselves we had kind of teach ourselves audio recording and process
we're getting better at that allegedly yeah this is all one word and we're on
all major platforms yes sir but iTunes it's really hard to find us because they
have this system they kind of like to that you kind of have to have different
views and I think there's like another tier that you can pay for to get more
recognized so good luck finding us on that but we are on it somewhere yeah but
we're on it yeah hey man what's your name Matthew very nice to meet you
very nice to meet you both you're gonna be on our next episode yeah take care
it's good talking to you yeah I love it down here so many interesting yeah
testament to the effectiveness of the banner yeah that's what wonders we are
we ever got anyone to stop by and talk before the banner but now it's like
everybody stops and well you're using the bathroom a guy combined to the
picture nice yeah I asked him if he had anything to say he said not today but
later on he will alright where was I wouldn't be yeah
fantastic yes yeah hey anyone wearing a man but must have apology flash cards on
hand to address anyone that might have accidentally witnessed the atrocity oh I
like that idea yeah yeah so these weren't a man bun he must have flash
cards with an apology going hey I'm sorry I'm a douchebag and you have to
see that not a not a good douchebag like that no yeah I'm sorry I'm a follow the
leader guy I'm not a leader I'm sorry I don't think for myself I'm sorry I'm a
weak weak-bellied spineless dumbass yeah I saw an epic man bum the other day at
Texas Roadhouse did you burn it I wanted to but I was too full to get up from the
table and do anything about it I had this great big awesome rib eye opportunity to take a lighter to
so he had gathered all of his hair up on top of the head his head on a round ball
uh-huh but instead of making it a nice tight or a smooth to the scalp it was
loose so it sagged down in this hair form for all the world it looked like a
big giant hair pancake on his head and then that ball on top like a big hairy
ball of whipped cream he looked like he had a hair pancake with a hair ball of
whipped cream on top of his head oh my god and as he would walk it would wiggle side to side back to
forth and it looked like that pancake on his head was gonna slip off it was the most ugly
revolting and this is an eating establishment I got it you know what I kind of respect that a little bit
because he took it to the extreme like yeah look how stupid I can get yeah he's like I'm gonna
gross all you motherfuckers out with my hair ball now ponytails are okay I'm not sure I should have got a picture of it
I mean my hair isn't a ponytail right now so I'm okay with ponytails but what I'm not okay is with is the side pony
oh yeah yeah yeah um I'll tell you made it famous my opinion was Napoleon Dynamite the chick on there
yes because after she did it all these chicks started doing it being the awkward girl with the side pony tail
yeah and you know all it looks like to me is your arms are two different lengths and you couldn't reach
around the back of the head because one arm's longer than the other it doesn't look right it's like why did you do that
it's just I mean it was over five years ago but you turn on that that chip and Joanna Gaines show
side pony constantly on that oh yeah it's just the stupidest thing ever of course that that couple is
revoltingly stupid all of them are on these white people renovating shit houses shows they're always
white people it's always white and it's always an Hispanic contractor too yeah yeah and you know the
dude does all the work and acts like an open an idiot and the wife does all the little design stuff
and treats her husband like a child and then the real show after show you see the Hispanic guy come in
yeah and he's like yeah we're gonna do that yeah and they do all the real work and then the white guy
comes in behind him it's like yeah oh boy glad we're done with that oh yeah what a task but he didn't
do anything except this watch the Hispanics fucking work yeah and yeah the the big white guy husband
guy whatever he's supposed to be the main construction worker he spends more time on camera playing with
his kids or talking with friends or joking with his wife he maybe will swing a hammer once or
twice he'll spend three times as much time on camera doing feel-good moments and not actually
work exactly and then another thing is is they don't want you to see the Hispanic people working
so bad that they skipped through it and they just show him tear down the last wall yeah those
celebrity makeovers or extreme makeover whatever shows there was those very quickly people learned
that the celebrities like that tie what a Pennington or whatever yeah yeah yeah Pennington he'd only show
up and work when the cameras are rolling the cameras quit he was gone and it was left the local
contractors with substandard materials and pretty much every one of those you know makeover houses
had to be torn apart and redone for tens and tens of thousands of dollars because it was all shit
and it wasn't up to go you notice on the TV shows they never had the code inspector come through and
say this passes this fails this bad they never had code coming to look at it they just dump it
on the family and say your mess now and then they have to pay for all the repairs they can't live in
it until it's up to code and now it's worth so much more they have to pay higher taxes it basically
ruins the people that thing almost got on your head I mean it just was like that above your head
I didn't even feel like it was entertaining landing on you and then you moved a little bit is like
that would have been kind of funny I don't know those claws might be pretty stout I probably would
take the crap on me yeah I knew I was ranting about something the next one you're really gonna
appreciate you anyone who says they like the taste of kale but they must pass a polygraph test
anything is proven false you must offer free seminars on how not to be a gullible sheeple
we can even go as far as putting them in an MRI having them eat a pound of kale and see if the
pleasure centers of their brain light up wait I think that's automatic yeah we do that automatically
I like that idea better that's better polygraph because here we can actually see how their brain
is responding we can see their brain like decrease in like folding up into itself when they taste
that brain cell death increases rapidly yeah yeah so that would be definite proof positive
that radioactive material that they found at the bottom they couldn't get rid of that they
convinced people that it was great tasting it's like this at one time the makers of Lysol you
know that that that spray disinfectant at one time they marketed that as a douche you're supposed
to just pour Lysol which has a lot of formaldehyde up into your pooch oh and basically would kill
you from the inside out yeah I think they need to stick with vinegar good old Lysol they didn't
care whether you killed yourself they just wanted to sell a few more bottles of product oh but but
the makers of Lysol have your best interests in mind Lysol loves this why else would they improve
our life so much oh the enormous profits that's right I forgot about the enormous profits involved
they would never lie to us oh unless they could make some money else they could make some money
yeah all right this next one any person who's caught fake listening to someone while buried in
their phone must pass a test of repeating what the victim has said previously and then and if
then convicted of fake listening she'll be spammed relentlessly for two days yes so his phone will be
his or just blown up with spam and you know whenever you say something like uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh and you
know they're not listening to you because they're answering someone or something you know I you know
why don't they just go hang on a second I'm in the middle of something you know no they're instead
of gonna go yeah and then when you question they're oh no I was listening and they take one key word
that they happen to catch like yes yeah refrigerators and then most of us are just like fucking I know
you weren't listening but you said refrigerator so I kind of got to go along with it it's fun to
catch the people who are you're watching a movie or a show or something with someone they're
constantly on their phone every time their eyes leave the screen go their phone hit pause I love
it and when they look up like what's like well I saw the movies you wouldn't miss any well it's
okay just going without me it's like no that's fine I'll wait oh wait I'm happy to wait I don't
I want to make sure we both watch it together yes and just constantly pause pause pause and
find that they'll get the message that yeah this ain't happening unless your eyes are on the screen
and you know a person like that better not ask me what's going on well who's that character what
are they talking about what's going on I didn't notice it you weren't looking at the screen where
you you're looking I'm sorry I'm sorry I was on my phone I just start saying I don't know I'll
have to watch again I don't know you're not watching I'm not gonna be your interpreter
yeah and also I mean I even people on the movie screen because we went and seen a man called
Otto a couple weeks ago and I have some interesting takes on that too that we can get to right after
because I meant to do it for a while now for a couple of weeks but I just never I don't know
what forgotten or whatever so okay last but not least anyone named drop it must produce a picture
of said person's and the bragger together if they cannot it is builder's choice on punishment from
a barefoot to stomp to a crack in the nab sickle yeah so people will name drop on products too
yes so I don't like Jaguar up there's like let me see a picture of you in the Jaguar and the BIN
and your keys yes yep yeah and if not then whatever you want to stomp nab sickle light them on fire
whatever it's builder's choice you make the decision on what happens to said bragger to said
name dropper yeah there's a Facebook group that I'm several that I'm a member of that are like
you know Epiphone guitar owners and modders or the garage owners group or this kind of thing and
anytime anyone says oh I just bought a new guitar it's a new guitar day if they don't post a picture
everyone calls them on it oh that's great yeah if then you think the standard response is without
pictures this post is worthless basically saying we don't believe you we got to see pictures so
anymore people will put up pictures they have to otherwise no one no one believe yep
oh lord that man just saw the puppy in half hey there don't worry I have a clown nose
that drunk guy just hit my child it is okay I have a clown nose clown noses are sold at
egg stores online and pedophile conventions grab one today and make magic happen if a 10-pound
bag of shit could talk this is what it would sound like two ass bags in a box of cheese it's
will be right back hi everybody this is mark here with quick hits my first one Taco Bell is
pissed Taco Bell has filed a motion in federal court to try to have Taco Tuesday public domain
again Taco John's owns the registered trademark Taco John's has over 400 locations in 22 states
they federally trademarked the Taco Tuesday in 1989 and has never been contested as far as I
could find Taco Bell claims it's too common of a phrase it should never have been trademarked in
the first place I personally see Taco Tuesday on virtually every privately owned Mexican restaurant
all over town Taco John's could not have the resources to halt this I'm thinking that you
know that could be the angle that Taco Bell takes the phrase has been used all over for years and
has never been stopped but I mean why would Taco Bell want this anyhow I just don't see this being
anything big unless they're just trying to get a cheap headline because let's face it on Taco
Tuesday nobody wants to go to Taco Bell where they want to go is they want to go to their
family-owned Mexican restaurant down the street they want to get the two-for-one margaritas they
want to get smashed and eat some great tasting authentic tacos not Taco Bell now don't get me
wrong I love Taco Bell like the next guy the food tastes great but this is not what you look for in
Taco Tuesday and nobody does I know everybody that it partakes in Taco Tuesday has their favorite
joint down the road that's family-owned they go down there and they swig down the margaritas and
they slam some tacos and they're happy no one's going to Taco Bell over this shit and I guarantee
it and I guarantee you Taco Bell knows this too so I think it's just probably just cheap heat
they're throwing trying to get their name out there a little bit without having to pay anything
for it and I haven't really heard this story had to dig a little bit to find this story so I don't
think it worked I don't think anyone really gives a shit to tell you the truth I think they're just
partaking in Taco Tuesday where they normally do and they don't give a shit so there you go Taco Bell
not working we were in high school we had this guy fucking corn fed piece of crap anyhow his
with his nickname was big and big and so anyhow big and was he was like a big run stopper and
really not worth anything except that I mean you know he just takes up space takes up space and
that's it yeah so we'd be doing practices and big and it'd be hard to get around he just this huge
fucking lump of shit so so anyhow big and was that was pretty much it okay so damn it here I am like
I'm prepared because I don't ever written down and I thought I could just do it so okay big and was
this run stopper and he was dirty he what he do is whenever you're in the middle of the dog pile at
the bottom of the dog pile he grew his fingernails out and he would sharpen them his index finger and
his thumb he'd grow them out and sharpen them so what he would do is when you're in the bottom of
the dog pile he would get right up and he'd wear a jockstrap of course yeah and he'd get right up
against your nuts and just like pinch the fuck out of you so bad it would be black and blue for a
month it draw blood so yes yeah and then even worse whenever his helmet would be knocked off
which was often because we were a small school and I remember Center gave us some helmets that were
extra they got new ones and Notre Dame did Notre Dame de Sine did and real football programs gave
us free helmets yeah they were already beat the crap and used and actually we had to put our own
logos on because they were what we had to make sure they were white helmets that way we could
put the blue horn on there or the group purple horn for a Viking on yeah okay so it's sort of
beat all day over the new fucking horn on so and none of them would ever fit they're always loose
we never could get them to fit right I don't know if all that beating like made him cockeyed or
something yeah mash the foam down in weird ways yeah so we always had these helmets that would
like fly off of us constantly so but that was one of the things about about being in that type of
a school that small firm school as the revenue wasn't really high that they were getting so you
had to do they have a football program it consisted of number one paying the school we had to pay the
school to be in football Wow yeah and and also we had to take hand-me-downs from anywhere otherwise
we'd be paying for our own equipment and we did pay for some of our own equipment imagine yeah like
there are cleats if you want a real pair of cleats a good pair of cleats you had to buy them yourself
if you wanted was the schools assigned you they weren't worth the shit because they were hand-me-downs
yeah so and also you know like big and he was horrible in school he was terrible in school but
you know and he went the brightest he was a dumbass and he was an asshole and he they kept him going
because they probably really needed the tax money they needed how many heads to make this much well
yeah it's true stay in business basically that's what it was was to stay in business yeah so
big and was there as a run stopper and we had this little guy Jimmy he was faster than hell and he
was just a little bitty guy and he was a running back and no one could stop him because he would
literally almost just like run under your feet he was like a little light and so he'd always get by
on big and so I think they're a little bit of big and being mad so there's this one play what it is
is you couldn't turn in you know whatever big and did this you couldn't turn it in because the coach
did not like you to turn in like you know penalties or anything oh yeah no tattletales on the team
yeah yeah he felt like that was his job to number one call penalties and number two no
tattletaling so someone like tripped you or it was holding you the worst thing you could do is go hey
he held me and he'd make everybody run gassers yeah gassers were the field side to side two times
punish everyone to make you shut up yes and then in locker room to get your ass with you know that
five miles Wallace bam bam bam knock the piss out of you kick the hell out of you laugh so so big
as could get away with it knowing that you'd be the bigger rat for turning him in yes yeah so so
you had to kind of take it I mean it I have plenty of welts underneath my ball sack I hated this
fucker so everybody hated this fucker but nobody wanted to do it to anyone else you know no one did
it back to him we didn't do it to each other it's just it was too dirty yeah so like I before
mentioned everybody's helmets fall off routinely no big deal because I mean they're beat all the
hell when we got them they were cockeyed they didn't work yeah very well but that's all we had
unless you wanted to buy a brand new one and you know we were mowing lawns yeah you know so you know
so we're using those so there was this one play we were getting ready to play I think Drexel which
was our arch rival like everything you've seen at like fast times at Ridgemont High killed
Jefferson the signs yeah the assembly yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I was pretty much a freak yeah that they pretty much forced into playing football you're more
happy it's Friday night than you are about anything else fucking be here I want to go out on the gravel
roads if I could smash beers with my friends I want to be here but I played because I really got pretty much
pressured into it come on we need people because we really did need people yeah I mean we had
pretty much one in every position and one guy that could do a little bit of everything like one guy
that could do four things one guy that could do five things another guy that could do three things
and those were our backups we have like no actual real backup person yeah no first string second
string it was a little more immediate than that yeah so I mean so they really did need me yeah so
Biggin was in the middle of this pile and this was we were practicing against our arch rivals
and this is late September yeah but it was really hot so one of you is the practice team wearing
the other teams yeah yeah we're in Drexel's colors yeah in the white so it was really hot it's like
around a hundred degrees it's like winter's last or summer's last oh yeah like flipping you off
slamming the door and I remember very well I mean we were all just fucking hotter hill sweating ham
chunks fucking gravy back then they thought it was better if you didn't drink water yeah yeah you're
right yeah they did yep so we're all in that dog pile and all of a sudden I hear like yeah oh my
god and I'm like and so Jimmy he had this problem with some sort of weird ass pariasis or jock itch
or something I'm not sure what it was it was something like that and it was on the inside of
his thigh right up there like a fungal infection yeah it probably was but it was probably combined
the heat combined with the material from the jock strap but I remember he was showing people
in there man this shit sucks it hurts like fuck I can't put on my jock strap well he had to go
without one so he was in practice just hoping he didn't get fucking wrecked because that's the
only thing that would save you was your jock strap yeah got smacked in the nuts it wouldn't
hurt nearly as bad because you're like safely tucked away kind of distributes the impact around
a little bit instead of the little fling it's like yeah yeah that like also just stunned you
and you don't know where you're at for a minute yeah time stops and then you think you're dying
and then you hope you're dying yeah then you wish you were dead and then you walk off gingerly
so Jimmy could not wear a jock strap so we hear this fucking scream in the pain so also
Jimmy gets up and blood is running down the inside of his white pants I mean not just kind
of I mean it was running and the coach automatically he freaks out he's like ah son of a bitch so he
runs over there and the first thing he does he pulled down his pants because you know number
one he thought there was a jock strap underneath there and he didn't expect it all to just fuck
and flop out number two there's a huge bite marks on his fucking nut oh my god and there's
blood running everywhere and the coach just flips out who the hell did this who did this
who did this and everyone like pointing at fucking you did this yeah okay so so he takes
it and he calls the health team not the paramedics the health team that he calls him out and I think
I actually think of Jimmy ended up going to the hospital over this imagine they probably
chomped through a blood vessel probably so they had the health team come out there and
they're over there trying to fucking do pressure and Jimmy screaming which I'd be fucking crying
I tell you yeah and then fucking coach grabs fucking big and by the ear takes him straight
into the office so big he got in a lot of shit over that but I I think he he didn't go to jail
that day but I think he had a court date over it yeah if I remember correct this quite a while
ago but I think he went to court over it I don't think he did any time but I think I don't know
if like like right now let's say he's looking for a job in a secure like an air base or something
or something that well like the Federal Reserve downtown I've done that job there yeah you have
to get a clearance we have any type of a record at all they will not let you in there yeah so I
don't know if to this day if he can't get a secure job like that because he's a nut-biter I guess
that would depend on how old he was at the time because prior to a certain age oh he would have
been 17 16 probably yeah so it's probably juvenile records and those can get sealed expunged so then
it's probably done I mean if he was 18 at the time he probably would have having the list of sex
offender yeah okay yeah I don't think that that's what happened probably went away when he was 18
but he did get in some shit but I remember correctly it's a long time ago this is 80s
yeah early 80s so yeah nobody wanted to deal with it back then as much as they're willing to deal
with it now no no no that was such a shock to people we all knew this shit was going on but
he never did bite your nuts either yeah yeah everybody were at jobstrap he knew about where
he could go yeah you kind of figured that there was a point that he wouldn't it was fucking more
this his woman just left the coffee shop talking to herself oh okay I think she got I don't think
she was happy with her service and walked out complaining we all got to hear it mad shitter
in Clayton Missouri well okay like I said this long time ago you know I don't know I was in my
mid-20s I had sleep apnea and I had to wear a CPAP and then I opted for the surgery so I got surgery
and then I went back to the doctor and the doctor was good you know this before you could buy the
CPAP machines you had to rent it okay so it's very expensive for me to keep it another day and the
insurance told me if you don't take it back today that we're gonna start charging for it and then
it's some outrageous something like okay where I take it back I said Clinton Missouri I'm like
what the fuck you know well you want to pay for it no okay so here I was on my way to Clinton
Missouri you know fucking tooling there my little four-branger at the time so I tool all the way to
Clinton take the fucker back and on the way back I'm like you know it's gonna be an hour before I
can stop there's no station so I pull in get some gas I'm like I need a 7-up or something you know
so I go into the crapper there and it was like both of these walls just just alongside where the
urinals were were covered in this like liquid shit and I sense found out through a nurse they said
they do it with a colossal bag somehow and I mean it's a gag I mean to me that's like kill someone
over that so anyhow I'm sitting there about ready to fucking gag it smells horrible so horrible and
anyhow I'm dry heaving and just pissing as hard as I can it's hurting me and I'm pissing so hard
that it's actually hurting me I'm like also this old man barges in I think he's the owner of the
store and he points at me and he goes I caught him I caught him I caught the mad shitter and I'm like
what I just got in there sir meanwhile I'm still trying to piss as fast as I can I'm still dry
even it's him it's him I caught him I go I just got in there how did I shit all over everything
my pants are up and he would not listen to me so he starts fucking harping at me behind me while
I'm leaving that place didn't wash my hands nothing pissed all over myself and hey I'm getting the
fuck out of there because I'm not the mad shitter and I don't want anything I don't want to be
associated with it so I'm like taking off and I'm leaving as fast as I can I'm like I'm getting my
fucking seven up damn it I mean I'm thirsty so I don't forget my seven up and the old man's still
behind me harping and it's him it's him I got the mad shitter and I'm sitting there just I don't know what to say at this point because he will not shut up he will not
quit fucking chirping at me from behind me so I get up there and I'm buying my seven up I look
the lady in eyes I go I just walked in there I'm not the mad shitter and she looks at me goes sure
you're not I don't think she believed me either she thought I was the mad shitter yeah so I bought
my seven up and left in shame two douchebags in a microphone the number one show for people that lie
about their favorite podcast two monkey fuckers and a toaster will be right back two douchebags
and microphone net your one stop for everything you want to write us you want to say something to us
you want to look for a live button when we go live you can call in all of this stuff is right there
for your ears and I hold you got it chumps it's all yours two douchebags and microphone dotnet is up
and running hit the subscribe button don't forget to hit the subscribe button don't forget to hit the
subscribe hey where do they go where the douchebags hmm oh my god someone took a dump in the corner
oh geez glad they're gone let's just hope they don't come back man that smells