Live from the city market, it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
1.
Smell.
Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and
old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
2.
Look for the spot absent of patrons.
3.
The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
4.
Just call us at 816-512-7717.
Dear Abbey, not quite.
You have questions, we have answers.
They're not very good answers, but we have them.
Do Uncle Rameses
have singing ears?
full-blown media. I feel like maybe you're just kind of testing the water and my kindness led him to believe that it was okay to do so.
I really can't afford this place on my own. He always has his half of the rent on time, every time, and cleans the house with me regularly.
So he's like the perfect roommate except for his smoothie thing, and I didn't understand that, you know?
So here we are having a fucking sandwich and he comes out fucking balling. Ball space first. Here we are sitting there and he walks by and he's fucking...
You walk into the kitchen and he's bent over looking in the fridge and you're like, ohhhhh!
Yeah. The only guy that would like that is Robbie.
Poor Robbie.
But Robbie feels that he's fixing his daughter's car today because he's a good guy and we like that.
So we're not having Robbie at the highway today.
Okay. A little torturing of Rob today.
No, no. But yeah, he's a love act shop. Especially if you've got to be sure around looking at the camera.
Because it's like we specified before, he likes the act shops with a face in it. So he just keeps turning around and he just asks us.
Does he like it when the furry dog is peeking?
No, I don't know. We can ask him. I'm pretty sure he probably does.
Yeah, he likes furry dog people.
Just not when it comes out to play. Just peeking.
Just peeking. You don't want anything to do with the play.
Okay, so I really need to tell him without telling him directly.
Thank you in advance. Sorry, no skin and shaboyka.
I wondered how he was going to work that in.
I'll tell you, whoever does this thing, they're going to work their hands.
Well, here's the horrible advice that we are sending their way because that's what we do.
And it's in the PAMBO or disclaimer. It's horrible advice. You should never take it.
But here you go.
Well, first thing, what I would do is go back and keep the overall when he's in the shower and see how well he likes an audience.
Ah, clever, clever.
I'm going to be like, hey, we're in five or ten minutes to get ready to share.
Five or ten minutes, you guys come up. I really need you guys to listen to me.
And then they all just sit in there and watch the TV and they come down naked.
I mean, they could rid of it right then. They could be like, oh, shit, I didn't want an audience.
So he runs back and forth, puts on clothes. Okay.
So if he doesn't seem to mind walking naked in a room for people, then maybe next time go ahead and give out parts, comment, comment to the crowd.
And just leave it to them, you know, like some of the right, that's not impressed.
You can do a little better. Great.
How about full blown? You know, whatever, whatever you want to do.
You can get a chopper going, whatever you want to do. So if you do that, it doesn't work.
You could do it again or people on the scoreboard.
I was going to say, give them something to throw.
I think scoreboards are good. Cold water. Ice cold water.
Yeah, keep it in the fridge for a day.
Yeah, yeah, man, aim it as peaky. That way the shrinkage, if nothing else, will make it run.
Like a spider on a hot stove.
It will become a bottle cap in no time.
Turtles going right back in the shell.
I'm done. See ya. It's done. It's over.
That fills the sport guys with chocolate syrup loaded in the chambers.
So he just took a shower and then.
Now mind you, all this advice would lead to him fucking leaving.
And this is what they didn't want to do. So we're sorry. We told you we give horrible advice.
Yes we did.
So there you go.
Another idea is like sugar water. That way he gets like flies and ants.
Oh that's a good idea. Yeah, I like that.
Or you could like maybe like glue it up a little bit. Make it sticky. It'll be easy to focus the fatty on.
Glitter. Glitter. Lots of sugar.
That doesn't work then do it again.
Oh, we were battering him.
There we go.
He was definitely going to move after he gets out of the hospital.
Yeah, a little sizzle in the chisel.
Make sure he's paid up for four months before he does this.
That's my advice. That's my personal advice.
Tell him that the landlord said he would get a 10% discount if he paid five months ahead of time.
And then you just pay a 10% after that and he's fine.
He's got a place for five months while he recovers in the hospital.
And believe me, when he gets out he's moving out of the hospital.
So after all that and it's still hanging dust, just place a 911 call to the authorities.
But he's scrubbing up and saying he's threatening the ground himself.
Oh yeah. Yeah, there you go.
That actually works pretty well.
Rather than saying he attacked you, saying he's threatening to hurt himself.
They'll drag him off for a three day cycle.
Again, find another roommate in those three days.
Finally, all else fails and this is my favorite.
Configure a Zoom robot cleaner right at his nab zippers.
PS, have a backup roommate.
Because believe me, after that he's leaving.
That letter beat out one from Skidmark in Bismarck.
And too much groin in Des Moines.
And also from the picks out from Harambee.
Because I think we can all get behind that.
If you support Harambee, you'll walk around with your pick out.
There's no two ways about it, you either forward or against it.
If you're a female, you build an attachment.
And you can participate too. No one can. It's the God.
We need to start some of like, Clips Out for Harambee.
You know what, that's fine.
And then like, you could do a Molter Guts for Harambee.
It's like, hey I got both.
Yeah, whatever you got out for Harambee.
Titan and Ock for Harambee.
The Lunar for Harambee.
Owl.
Penis sketches.
Oh yeah, like the fair where they'll sit down, they'll draw a sketch of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also the other sketches too, where you make hand puppets out of.
Like you can like, just to pretend to meet in other rides.
You can say, hey how you doing Mr. Sick? I'm doing fine Mr. Sick.
So what do you support? Harambee? Me too.
That's why we're out for Harambee.
Here's a word that you never hear anymore.
Meatgazer.
You remember when people were called meatgazers?
After Mr. Creepy brought it up on the initial Mr. Creepy segment, I haven't heard it ever since then.
Well I remember hearing that at junior high. People were called meatgazers.
Well it was funny because you could just look down at the urinal for one second and someone would catch you.
You know, you're trying to wonder if you're like too strewn in or like you're bouncing off the edge.
That's how you do it. You're not looking around. Meatgazer.
Or that weird gravity defying thing where the pea rolls up your shaft, goes uphill and winds up in your underwear.
It's like gravity ceased to exist for a moment right here in the urinal.
So then you're looking down being perplexed and then some idiot walks in and in the walk room and goes, oh you're a meatgazer.
I was looking at my own dick. I don't have one.
I got bullied because I would usually get nosebleeds.
So every time I'd blow my nose I'd check to see if my nose was bleeding.
Oh and they called you a snoggazer?
Yeah. As I look at him man, he has to look at his own snog.
I was like, dude I get nosebleeds.
But you know I was a little short fat kid. Anybody wanted to pick on me.
Same here. I was a short fat kid so I got shipped here.
Yeah the worse my parents' marriage got the more I overate.
So by sixth grade, seventh grade I was pretty big.
And that is really typical.
And in my day on that we say, oh kids always blame themselves for their parents' divorce.
Well it wasn't my fault but I did have a lot to do with it.
So it's true, you ate your food.
I did.
It's just like what convenience that, I think it's George Carlin said, why don't you eat a random thought every now and then.
Yeah. And actually I started shoplifting to feed my overeating.
I shoplifted candy.
Wow I could not imagine you doing that. I mean you're not like that now.
No not at all.
I just don't see one eating all this candy and two shoplifters for it.
Yeah. I believe that at the time I wanted to get caught.
Probably for attention.
Yeah because I didn't like the way my life was going. I was compensating the way I could.
But I started doing things like that.
Probably trying to get in trouble, trying to get caught.
Once I learned that my dad was a liar.
It's like a master thing.
Yeah.
Yeah I tried to get caught.
No once I learned my dad was a liar.
I mean once I had absolute solid proof that my dad was a liar.
I became the worst liar. I was lying constantly.
I'd lie for no reason.
It was like my dad doesn't tell the truth why should I?
Wow.
Yeah. So I reacted very badly to my parents crumbling marriage and the way my parents reacted to each other.
Yeah I was a mess for a while.
I gotta say you're not alone.
Yeah no I'm not.
You've got a lot of kids.
Well it's also your own feeling of control too.
That's true. I still tend to latch on to things that I can control and guard them jealously.
Because too many things are outside of my control.
Which is normal. Everybody goes through that.
But I get unreasonably upset and uncomfortable about it.
There's a lot of people who do stuff over control.
Yeah.
The only thing you can control in your life really is maybe your way and stuff like that.
Where you were.
But beyond just regular stuff that you have to do like work.
The other thing you can do is be able to let it out.
Yeah and I think for anorexics that's a big part of it.
It is.
It's the control. It's like no one can make me eat.
I can stop eating and no one can make me eat.
I can get so skinny as they want and no one can do anything about it.
And it's bizarre.
Yeah.
By the thought process behind me.
It's like no I'm going to do this to prove that I can.
It actually is killing me.
And that shows how desperately our minds want to have control over the situation.
Even to the point where it kills us we'd rather have control.
And the thing is is that you actually know how little control you have over anybody.
Yeah.
You never even live in a house again.
Yes.
Why would I even bother?
Exactly.
There was a time in grade school I knew a guy who was more into the dark side of the forest than I was.
And he stole a 20 out of the teacher's purse while everyone is out of recess.
And so the four of us after school we went down to it was a Katz drug store which later turned into.
I remember that.
Skaggs and then Oscar.
And then now CBS.
Yeah.
But it was Katz.
I remember when they were very famous in the city.
They owned a lot of them.
Katz was the most famous drug store.
They had the soda jerk there.
The guy with the little hat to make the sodas right there.
And this is the one if you're familiar with KC it's at 63rd and Brookside.
Yes.
I went to the one on Independence Avenue because that's where I grew up.
So we went in there.
Where the bridge.
The bridge of East Drive.
Yep.
But the one guy he was the one who stole it.
But since all of us were there you know we could all rat each other out.
We were kind of in on it together.
So he said you know I want to buy this and then we'll split what's left.
So I wound up going home with probably like three dollars and change in my pocket.
And a lot of it was in change.
So when I got home my pocket was jingling and my parents were like where'd you get all that money?
And I said truthfully well a friend of mine gave some to me.
You know there's four of us and he spent some money to buy something and he just gave the rest to the chorus because it was wrong.
Which was true but they didn't buy it.
You know because I was leaving out the part that the guy stole twenty from the teacher.
Now we had a small wooden box full of nickels and dimes and quarters.
That was for lunch money.
And at the time lunch at school was like thirty five or forty five cents.
And we were all supposed to just go in and get what we needed for the day and go on.
Every now and then I would pilfer some extra money out of there to get something I wanted.
So when I came home with all this change my dad was determined to find out where I got it.
So he worked up this deal with my two brothers to where they...
My dad got all of us together and he said okay there is X amount of money missing from the lunch money fund.
Mark did you take it?
And he got Mark to lie and said yeah I took X amount.
And then he asked John and he got John to lie.
And John said yeah I took X amount.
And then he turned to me and the amount that was left was exactly what I had in my pocket.
And I knew okay I know for a fact this did not come from the lunch money fund.
And my dad knows that for a fact because he just set up this whole dog and pony show.
But Mark and John played their part and he said okay go your room.
I'll punish you later.
And then he turned on me and said one more chance to tell the truth.
And I said I did not get this from the lunch money fund.
And then of course I got the crap in that.
But that was the point I knew my dad is a liar.
So he made that up just to punish you.
Yes.
He couldn't stand the idea that I had money that he didn't know where it came from.
So he invented a crime and punished me for it.
Oh God that's diabolical.
Uh huh.
But at that point I was you know I was...
You should be a prosecutor.
I was like 10, 11 years old.
And my dad was like okay not only is my dad a liar he will lie to hurt me.
He doesn't care.
He will lie about anything and he will lie to hurt me.
So at that point I just wrote off my dad.
He's like yeah I don't care about him anymore at all.
I need him for food shelter and clothing.
But after that it was like he's sperm donor.
And that's about as much as I care.
Yeah.
So and you know I just kind of spiraled a little bit more from that point.
You talked as much after that.
As little as possible.
I mean I'd go over to his house occasionally because my brother John would invite me over.
You know we'd go over after school.
He'd say hey hang out let's go to the pool a little bit and order a pizza.
And my dad resented it but didn't say anything.
But he told his wife, my step mom, and then she came out and confronted me.
He said what do you think you're doing?
You're just coming over and using us as a crash pad and swimming in our pool.
You don't care anything about us.
And I was like fine you will never see me again.
Bye.
Yeah.
So I didn't go over to that house again until my dad and Susan were divorcing.
And he was getting rid of stuff and needed help moving things.
And all I was told was oh you know there's a bunch of stuff in the garage.
And you know come over and see if you want any of it.
And no one even bothered to tell me oh they're getting divorced.
Oh my dad's moving out and getting his own place.
Like oh okay.
So they were keeping me out of touch too.
It was kind of a mutual thing.
We don't care about each other.
It's weird just growing up watching people celebrate Father's Day and talk about how great their dad is.
I never knew any of that.
To me that is just a big blank mystery.
People loving and idolizing their fathers.
Really?
That's a thing?
To me that just seems like you know idolizing a poisonous mushroom.
You know?
Wow. Yep.
So but I tried to be a good dad to my kids and they loved me so.
You're like you did your part.
Broke the cycle anyway.
Broke the cycle absolutely.
That's a good way of putting it.
You want to switch gears a little bit here?
Absolutely.
You know Nuno Bettencourt is one of the best guitarists ever on that show.
This guy's insane.
To me he's almost up there already.
Almost.
But nobody's up there already.
I'd put him up there with Phil Collins of Def Leppard.
Easily?
You know the speed and precision.
I think I'd put him up there in the same conversation with John Petrucci from Green Theater.
I'd put him up there in the long screen.
Steve Vai.
I'd put him up there with all the greats that we know.
The great shredders.
The non-mechanical.
Right.
So anyhow Nuno got vegetableed by any dad he knew before he passed him up.
Only Nuno didn't know anything about his illness.
He thought he was going to have to cut it up for a few more after.
Nuno had just completed, well he didn't complete yet.
He was working on completing the solo which is in sonnet on rise.
The newer song.
It's like my note for you.
It's so good.
For me it's the kind of thing where I stop and pay attention.
I can't just let it go by in the background.
If anyone channeled Eddie Van Hamlin with his technique, sound, style, his bizarre concept to an instrument.
It's Nuno.
Like I said, not Clark Barrett but the man who's up there.
So Nuno would not, he wanted to hear because Gary Shrone was in Van Hamlin for a short time as well.
Oh yeah, it was a one album.
The new singer of Extreme.
Nuno Beckport is at the chorus for Extreme.
So him and Eddie would be great friends and admired each other's work.
So Eddie wanted to hear the solo because I think he heard the story.
He heard from Gary and said, I want to see this shit that he's working on.
And Nuno wouldn't let him listen to it.
It didn't save us the play out of insecurity.
I would imagine, yeah.
Yeah, because it wasn't these days.
Like now he said, I can't let you have it.
It's not done.
So Eddie went on but they were very friendly and they talked.
But I'm pretty sure after that, months later, Eddie Van Hamlin would pass away.
I'm pretty sure Nuno is probably regretting it after he just brought it up.
I feel like I shouldn't have listened to it because if he would have known he was ill, I bet you he would have let him listen to it.
Yeah, yeah.
Golden opportunity to get his feedback, his take on it.
Would you love to just be in a ballpark where anyone could hear you shit?
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
I'd be like, you want to hear my stuff?
Sure, hang on.
Let me go get it.
Hang on.
I'll get you all 30 years of it or whatever.
Yeah.
He can sit on Nuno to be somewhere in his realm.
And I do agree with him.
Like I said before, I do agree with him.
I think he's very quiet.
It's crazy.
And it's not just the ability.
It's also the creativity to go with it.
The creativity is the biggest part of it.
Yeah.
Is to be able to come up with sound and concept for the song, make it fit in, and make it so incredibly odd that it could be duplicated by someone.
Yeah.
I remember when my oldest brother Mark was a teenager, he was taking some guitar lessons from a guy down in Big Dudes Music City.
Oh, right, yeah.
And it was the same guy, the guy with long hair, that always wore the long sleeves.
Probably.
Yeah, he was really good.
Yeah.
And Mark came home from a lesson once, and his eyes were just kind of semi-glazed.
He'd gotten a real big revelation.
This guy was a phenomenal player and knew the theory and the concepts, et cetera.
And we just talked about anything and everything.
No, no problem.
Thank you.
I'm sorry?
Do you have a pocket for your microphone?
Yes.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
Yeah, come to this stand right here.
Thank you.
Anyway, he had asked his guitar teacher, he said, how come you're not playing in a famous stand somewhere?
And he said, well, I can play all this stuff, but I can't come up with it.
If I had to come up with my own original stuff.
I appreciate that.
Yeah.
He said, all I can do is just kind of steal from other people, because I can play it, I just can't create it.
So he'd always be stuck in the role of the sideman playing what somebody else wrote.
He's like, I'd rather just stay here and teach other people.
There's a lot of glory in that.
You see people progress become really good, write great music, probably maybe total mudpink.
Kansas City, who knows who else can do that?
There's actually a lot of musicians who don't claim Kansas City, but didn't live here very long.
And they had to move somewhere to get big, if they were to move somewhere.
Well, I know where Nashville is, Nashville or LA, wherever they had to go.
Awesome.
Yeah, the...
Lakewood, Missouri.
The drummer for Tool, Danny Carey, is a Kansas native.
I can't remember, Wichita, Topeka, somewhere close by.
Not just Topeka, but plenty.
Carey Livgren from Kansas, he's from Topeka.
So yeah, we get some people who are close by.
Melissa Etheridge is a Missouri girl.
I think she didn't get recently inducted into the Missouri...
The Missouri Hall of Fame, Music Hall of Fame.
Music Hall of Fame, yeah.
But she does claim Lansing.
Right, she is.
Where's your brother, I think it's Lansing.
I worked with a woman who lived in Tonganoxie, and she went to school with Melissa Etheridge.
Okay, maybe it's Tonganoxie.
And they knew each other somewhat, she showed me a picture.
She said, you know, it used to be every time Melissa Etheridge would come in town, she'd stop by and say hi.
And she showed a picture, and like out there they were, together.
So I think she is somewhere, born somewhere in Kansas, but they just kind of adopted her for the state.
It was like, yeah, let's make her Missouri so you can claim her.
Oh no, I always thought she was in Lansing, Kansas.
Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty sure she was a Kansas girl.
You're right, how could they take her to Missouri Hall of Fame, because she's in the Kansas City area.
Yeah, I think they'd consider Kansas City area.
I gotcha.
Alright, I got some horrible questions.
Oh, okay, I can answer some horrible questions.
We will be right back.
I got some small stories here.
Naked in Germany, a landlord, somebody naked.
Oh, he wasn't hurting anybody.
New news bags.
And a microphone.
Mark?
Topher.
Alright, that's some horrible questions.
Are you ready for some horrible questions?
I could answer some horrible questions.
Alright, good.
Would you rather spend hours and get something for free or pay for what you want right now?
Wow, most of the time I'd rather just go ahead and pay for it and get it.
Unless it's extremely expensive.
Yeah, yeah.
Yes.
Hence the crank call that I made.
I could have gotten a free vacation, yes, because they do actually give it to you.
But you have to listen to their spiel, so it's like no thanks, I'll pay.
Yeah, yeah.
The older I get, the more I consider my time more valuable.
And I don't, like the other day a guy came to his door trying to sell some alarm system.
And, you know, well we can use you as a model house and we can get it for business.
And he's like, no, no, no.
And he kept hammering back, he's like, no, you're wasting my time.
I have things I want to do and standing here on the porch talking to you is not what I want.
Yes.
You know, really he ought to appreciate your answer because it's like, listen, I'm trying to do your thing.
Move on, it's not going to work.
Yeah, you're wasting your time, just move on.
So concentrate on someone that really does want to be a part of your whatever.
Yeah.
Well he wanted my house because I'm at a T intersection, so everybody coming up the side street would be staring right at my yard and see the sign.
Yeah, so that's why he wanted my house.
Yeah, oh well.
Who will?
Would you rather go to a museum or a concert?
I'll go to a concert.
Concert.
I like museums, but I just get more enjoyment out of concerts.
If I had to pick, concert.
Yeah, I wouldn't be adverse to going to a museum and then a concert.
You know, I almost just went to the Fremont McCrew concert just because it was free.
Yeah.
Even though I don't like the way they did make bars and I don't like anyone standing in front of me, even John Fives, I don't like it.
Yeah.
But it was free.
Yeah.
But then I was just like, you know, I have too much trouble.
Yeah.
I've heard that Joe Bonamassa, he's coming to Kansas City in late September.
Oh, I'd love to hear him.
Yeah, tickets are like, they start at like $75 and go up to $300, so it ain't cheap.
But, anyhow, they're back together too.
I find it interesting they get back together when he goes on tour.
Yeah.
Because that was one of the reasons they broke up.
That's more expensive than the Alice Cooper tickets.
Yeah.
Because they never had any tour time.
Oh, gotcha.
Yeah.
He's always touring on his own.
Yeah.
And BCC was like, yeah, it's Black Country.
And then they kind of got into a stormy issue and that was it.
I guess they figured out their schedules now so he can still tour as himself and he can
still do his commitments in the Mayhem.
Well, Rainn Woods is doing Deep Purple.
Yeah.
Because he was in Deep Purple and he wanted songs.
And then Bonam works a lot with Sammy Hagar.
Yeah.
So I think they all have this year fill up.
Yeah.
But they do not, you know, probably next year when they start touring.
Yeah.
But they all come up with new music too so that could be part of it as they're recording
when they get a chance.
Yeah.
And a lot of the writing happens while they're recording.
That's true.
Would you rather have anchovies or pineapple in your pizza?
Anchovies.
Pineapple.
Yeah.
I've always liked anchovies for some weird reason that I'm not really averse to pineapple.
So they're good on pizza?
I think so.
Yeah.
If you've ever had a traditional Caesar salad, they put anchovies in the dressing.
They do.
Yeah.
I can't wait to see what they do.
Yeah.
A little salty, a little salty dried fish.
Yeah.
I mean they really kind of like sardines.
Yeah.
They're just a little different.
They're dried.
Yeah.
I think sardines, kippers, herring, anchovies, they're all kind of in the same class.
They're in the shit fish category of the ocean.
Yeah.
The little fish that they have in the ocean.
Yeah.
They're the starlings of the ocean.
Yes.
Or sparrows.
Would you rather have Finn, would you have her ahead?
Let me try that again.
Yeah.
Maybe put your jaw on the right way.
Yeah.
Hang on.
Okay.
There we go.
It's back on.
Thanks.
Thanks for the gift.
We'll be back.
Bye.
I like different.
I do, too.
Yeah.
Although the different points of view, different levels of education, different experiences,
different street cred even if you were.
Yeah.
Different everything.
I do know some people that only hang around people that are just like them.
My God it's boring.
It's got to be boring to tell.
Yeah.
them. I can't imagine how boring it is to be them.
Then I always did not like to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree with you.
You said, no, please don't. Come up with a different one. Tell me if I'm wrong. I want to hear it.
I posted that on my Facebook status a while back.
If you agree with everything I say and think the way I do about everything, then you're really boring.
That's why I do it too. I don't really have anything much to say to them.
Because I know what they're going to say on most stuff.
Would you rather make a separate bundle of laser cutter or 3D printer?
I think I'll go with 3D printer. Me too, because I've operated laser cutter before.
They're really good. Yeah, they have limitations.
Yeah, I think the 3D printer gives you a lot more flexibility.
Would you rather have many options to choose from or just two?
Oh, I like many. Many.
Our government seems dead set on only giving us two.
Yes. Conservative or liberal? Republican or Democrat? That side or this side?
The problem is they have the people bamboozled and they think there isn't another choice.
You just don't waste your vote. Wasting your vote is voting for someone you can't stand with.
They're yelling, you either have to stand on this rock or stand on that rock.
That's the only two choices. Meanwhile, you're surrounded by thousands of rocks.
And you're like, wait a minute, no. I like this rock over here.
You can only see all these other rocks, but they're too busy telling you there's only two.
This is off tangent, but I was thinking about how people will say,
oh, you wasted your vote or threw it away if you voted on a third party.
You could say the same thing about anybody who votes for the losing side.
Yeah, that's right.
So anybody who voted for Hillary in 2016, you wasted your vote, you pissed it away, it didn't matter, it made no difference.
Then they come up with the reason the vote was split.
No, no it's not.
They vote for the lost parolees.
They were blamed for the loss of their personal life.
No, I'll tell you the lost person, Clinton was the person who had no personality.
And you know, think about how wrong that is for a person to say,
you didn't vote the way I want you to vote, therefore your vote was wrong and bad and possibly caused harm.
What a sack of shit that is.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, I want nothing to do with any of that because we are so ignorant and ridiculous that people can't say pass it.
My sister used to tell me if you didn't vote, then you have no right to complain about the way the election turned out.
And I've had taxes and shut the fuck up.
Yeah, 14 year old kids don't get to vote either, but by God they get affected, so they have a right to complain, don't they?
I guess that's why the Lamas are here.
It is.
So many holes in this.
It was one of those ridiculous tactics to shame people into voting, which failed miserably.
Because people are like, nah, that makes you want to vote even less.
The fact that you want me to do it tells me I shouldn't.
Right, it's like, I want you to vote, oh, vote the way I tell you to.
Complete utter bullshit.
Yeah.
When you have a problem, would you rather talk to someone or try to figure it out by yourself?
I say it depends.
Yeah, it does depend.
There are some things that require nobody else's input.
Yeah.
That is strictly a personal choice.
There are some things that would take so long to explain before someone would actually know what I'm asking.
That is just not worth it.
Yeah, but no, that's another part.
Yeah, it depends on what it is.
Yeah, there are times I would have a problem at work and I would try to explain to Cindy.
But since she didn't understand the way a lot of the things in the post office were, the culture and the people, she was like, I don't get what the problem is.
Yes, that's true.
I got one like this.
I don't know what it's called.
Okay, like a car, let's say I never owned a Cadillac before.
Yeah.
I'm thinking about buying one.
I know someone with a Cadillac.
Will that ever require me talking to other people?
Yeah.
Maybe I know a couple other people with acquaintances that have a Cadillac.
What do you think of it?
What's the mileage?
Did you have a lot of trouble with it?
Yeah, it's quite nice, it's quiet, but the car is expensive, all those things.
Yeah, or a Tesla might be a better example nowadays.
Which I wouldn't touch now.
No.
So yeah, that's a big old dependence.
Okay, would you rather shave or wax?
Oh, shave definitely.
Wax. I hate scubbler.
If I could wax my whole face, it would be gone for a month.
I wouldn't have to worry about it, or shave.
You know, they've got hair removal creams that women use on their legs.
How come we don't have something like that for our faces?
They should be able to design something, shouldn't they?
Wouldn't you think?
Yeah, I would think so.
Either way, if it's feasible, we'll buy it.
And it makes me wonder, if it is feasible, but they don't think anyone would buy it.
So they don't make it.
I mean, there's all sorts of products that could absolutely be made.
I think it's a good idea to have a little smoke with cream.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's probably a good idea.
Yeah, it would get a little hair extra there.
I got to do that hair shave.
Yeah.
So yeah, there are lots of products that we could have, but people can't make money off of them.
So we don't get them.
Yeah.
Would you rather eat savory food or sweet and savory food?
I say sweet and savory food.
Yeah.
Go the whole fucking nine yards with it.
Yeah, yeah, that does.
There are so many things that, you know, just a little sweet and savory mix, oh yeah, it really puts it over the edge.
Yeah, I'll go sweet and savory too.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Would you rather spend money on education or work more to build more experience in your field?
Ah.
I say experience in your field.
Yeah.
I think people can go out of that.
Yeah, yeah, I would say experience.
Definitely.
People get more out of that.
I mean, that's just all the way in the middle of the way.
Yeah, let me think of, if we were talking about music, then yeah, I just, you know, I want to go out and jam with people rather than go take courses.
And even when I was working for the postal service, they had a classroom section called the good start where they'd take you and they'd, you know, teach you and they'd show you and you can practice.
I got very little out of that.
And when I actually went on the street and was actually doing it, it was like, okay, now this makes sense.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
So yeah, the on the street experience was just invaluable.
Yeah.
Okay.
Would you rather sleep with someone snoring or grinding their teeth?
Snoring.
Yeah, oh, I can't stand the sound of grinding teeth.
It's like a chalkboard, figuring out how to do it.
Uh-huh.
Would you rather go on domestic trips or trips to a different country?
Depends.
I'm going to go domestic.
To me, it depends on where it is.
Yeah.
I think my sticking point is the time it takes to travel internationally is the big drawback for me.
I can see that.
Yeah.
Because I, you know, I'd be happy to renew my passport and drive up into Canada.
I speak the language of most people.
Yeah.
There's a lot of French speakers out there.
Yeah, there is.
Yeah, I mean, if you get into Quebec and all that, it's nothing but French.
Yeah.
Montreal looks quite a bit French.
Yeah.
But in most places, it's just about the way they're used to the accent.
Only we have the accent up there.
Isn't it funny that they speak French, but they put the English monarch on their money?
I know.
Yeah.
That is something I've always wondered about.
So does Australia.
Yeah, Australia does.
That's right.
Now they're going to have to get bank notes with King Charles III and Camilla on them.
Hey, that's got to make side chicks celebrate everywhere.
Yeah, exactly.
Ugly side chicks.
Yes.
Ugly side chicks master.
Ugly side chick made it to queen.
Yeah, they're all like looking at each other.
So you're saying there's a chance.
Yeah.
Yep.
If the sex is good enough, you'll make it to queen.
I think he does that thing like over and over and over.
Would you rather put sprite in beer or wine?
Wine.
Wine, definitely wine.
You had sprite in beer.
There's not a lot you can add to beer that doesn't just screw it up.
You can break it like it is, full Boston mug or not, not a whole can.
That's about it.
I used to drop a shot glass full of rum down into the beer.
If it's whiskey, it's called a Boiler Maker.
It's not okay if there's ice in there.
No, no ice in there.
No.
That waters it down, man.
I'm like, you wouldn't get the same thing.
I've seen people do that, but they're all like, stop.
That should be against the law.
The one that does that should be hitting the face of me and strangling the death.
Like I said, this is not working.
Don't go strangling somebody because they got the wrong end.
They got ice in the beer.
I used to drop a shot of rum down into beer.
Somebody who was in the Navy said, oh, that's called a depth charge.
Oh, really?
If it's whiskey, it's called a Boiler Maker.
But if it's a shot of rum, you drop it down into your beer, it's called a depth charge.
I had no idea.
I thought I invented it.
And then somebody who was in the Navy said, oh, yeah, I drink a lot of those.
I think rum's a better fit than whiskey and beer.
I would think so, yeah.
Would you rather wake up one day as a different gender or stay the same gender?
Stay the same.
Oh, I'd stay.
I have no experience being anything different than what I am right now.
Yeah, I would completely fuck the other up if I could take it out on the other.
Yeah.
Would you rather build a spa or a nice outdoor fireplace be a fireplace?
Yeah.
I think that's pretty easy.
I think 90% of the people would say that.
Yeah, yeah, I love just sitting and staring into a fire.
Yeah, especially if it's outdoors.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I know what your answer would probably be to this.
Okay.
Would you rather go on a cruise or go to an all-inclusive resort?
Oh, my gosh.
I guess I'm going to go all-inclusive resort because I think my wife would enjoy that more, too.
I really love cruises.
Yeah.
But I also like all-inclusive.
It would kind of depend on where the cruise was going, I guess, too.
1640 cruise.
Yeah, and just take your average typical cruise, your average typical all-inclusive resort.
I'm going to go with the resort.
What I want to do is one of my bosses and I discussed a week or so ago.
Alaskan cruises do a three-day layover in any specific city.
Yeah.
You go up to a lodge, you went up to a lodge, and did Alaska things for three days like look at ale, bears.
Catch a fish.
Whales, yeah, all that.
Go to local eateries like fish being taken out of the water and getting dried by the front of the yard.
Over a grill, right in front of you, over a fire, all that cool stuff.
Yeah, if you like seafood, that would just be a...
Or just sit in your cabin and probably not watch the snow, but maybe, I don't know.
If it's during the summer, you can watch it be sunny at 1130 at night.
Yeah.
That was all good news to that, a lot of cruises.
I would think.
No, a year ago.
Right in about a year ago.
That was about a year ago.
Yeah.
That was really good news to that.
Because eventually the days that we were up there passed the line at the hand out in the stray light area.
Midnight, you could tell, the only reason you could tell it was midnight was because of where the moon was at.
I discovered that the first time.
I'm like, okay, the moon's right here when it's midnight.
And after that, I couldn't quite tell.
But the boat wasn't really going to tell me to tell you.
Yeah, yeah.
It kind of helps you forget.
Yeah.
I think they do that on the last cruises, so you're not so fixated with it.
You're not sleeping, you're just like, what, it's 12 during the day?
They didn't have to think like that.
It's a single day.
Yeah, there's time to get back in your rhythm when you go home.
Yeah.
And I did very easily when we got back to Seattle that night.
It was fine.
Yeah, your body is just waiting for the queue and was like, okay, I know what to do now.
Yeah.
So, and also very tired from running around and constantly doing all that.
So, would you rather read the book or watch the movie as based on that book?
It depends on the book.
For the most part, I like to read the book.
Reading the book is generally much better because a movie has to take certain liberties and not.
Yeah.
So, I don't know.
They pretty much always have to leave stuff out because it's too long.
It's too long, or it goes into too much description.
Yeah.
Or people watching the movie would consider it boring, but people reading the book would not.
Yeah.
And with books, you'll always have the option of you can go back a few chapters, recheck something, and reread.
I do that all the time.
In a movie, you can't, so you've got to make the point pretty obvious right up front.
There are times I'll read a book and then a year later I'll read it again and make a connection I didn't make before.
Like, oh my gosh, this is connected to this.
I had no idea because I didn't catch it the first time through.
I love the movie that happens on because the wind catches you by surprise.
Yeah.
Would you rather use a porta potty or go somewhere there are no people in the woods?
I'd go in the woods.
Would you rather ride a snowmobile or a jet ski?
Let's see, I've never been on a snowmobile, but I've been on the back of a jet ski.
I've been on a jet ski.
I'd rather ride a snowmobile.
I think I'd go with the jet ski.
Okay.
Would you rather eat a juicy cheeseburger or a fresh ingredient pizza with an amazing crust?
Oh, I'm going pizza.
With an amazing crust.
Oh, I could eat pizza all the time.
Pizza's fucking awesome.
Oh, yes.
It was so awesome when I was in the band that we used to play up at Fun House Pizza, the
one that's closed now.
You went on 350?
Yeah.
That was the original.
It was.
We got a free pizza each night that we'd play there.
We'd usually put in our order before the third set and eat it after the third set.
It was like free Fun House Pizza area.
Two nights each weekend, we'd usually get two weekends in a row.
I got so much good pizza.
Speaking of free food, where are you going to go when you're working for new pastries
they have over there in the East Hamlin?
Yeah.
I was looking at that ham and cheese.
I could just pull a slice of cheese off.
Then he has a grilled cheese too over there.
Yeah.
They put some sort of onion in it too or something?
When you caramelize the onions, grilled cheese and caramelized onions is a really good combination.
Yeah.
He went all out with this guy.
That's really nice.
Yeah.
So, anyhow, let's see.
Would you rather learn French or Russian?
Oh my gosh.
I think I'd probably have more use for French.
I think it's easier because we use the same alphabet.
Same here.
With Russian, you have to learn the Cyrillic alphabet, which is difficult.
You know the backwards N in pink's name?
Uh-uh.
You know in pink, knowing that she has the upside down I.
Upside down I.
So she has P apostrophe NK.
But somebody has a back, oh, let's see, corn has a backwards R in their name.
Yeah.
So a backwards R actually is pronounced differently than R.
I don't remember what it is.
I don't think they mean it like that.
Yeah.
The Russian R looks like a P to us.
Yeah.
So I don't know what the back and the backwards R are.
Backwards N, then there's one that looks like a pitch fork.
Yeah, they have a weird letter.
Yeah, I agree.
I drove them in French.
Sounds easier and I think that we got more use for it.
Yeah.
Would you rather drive at night and use mirror lights on or have someone following you the
whole trip with a hybrid on?
Oh, God.
Because somebody has to interior light even though I hate that.
Yeah, I would too because at least that's in my control.
Yeah.
I think I would go less insane.
Yeah.
Man.
To me, this next one is easy.
Okay.
Would you rather have food allergies or environmental allergies?
Food allergies.
Definitely.
Food allergies because you can control what you do.
Yeah, my wife has environmental allergies with dust and mold and things like that.
Dog and cat and mangrove.
Yeah.
Because you never know when you get clobbered with that.
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And now, a brand new feature.
Strange insults from an alien.
May your mother come to talk to you.
And then leave your door slightly ajar so that you may have to get up and close it.
I got a neat little story here about a little prank that me and Davey, my friend that are
referred to often.
Oh, yes.
Played in the old Bannister Mall, remember that?
Oh, yeah.
Boy, that was an area for a lot of fucking fun.
We used to get away with murder at that place.
We've done the stupidest shit.
Well, there was a security guard, a little short little fucker, kind of a little dumpy
little guy named Sam.
And he hated us long hair.
We were in there getting all the chicks and he didn't fucking like it.
Sam used to always try to get me kicked out and Davey too, but more me.
He really hated me for some reason.
So he always screwed with me.
He got me kicked out for about two weeks.
Then we went to court and the judge said, you can't kick him out.
It's a public mall.
So anyhow, one of the biggest ways to sell the hoax is to, we found this out, was to
have a setup guy that no one knew.
Just a guy to confirm what you're saying.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did see that monkey over there.
Last I saw him, he was on top of that building and he was throwing shit at somebody.
The random witness.
You see he disappears.
Yes.
So this guy, okay, this is Bannister Mall, early 1980s.
Me and my good buddy Davey were hanging out and we were crazy long hairs that the average
teen would follow because we're long hairs and we're kind of like the Pied Piper of teens.
People used to look at us and go, well, there's the party.
Let's just follow them around until they go to it.
I've done that?
Yeah.
They used to do it all the time.
We'd be like, where are you guys going?
Cleveland, Ohio?
No, Missouri.
That guy looks like he might have beer.
Yeah.
So they'd just start following us and that's just the way it were.
We'd all introduce, hey, I'm so and so, I'm so and so.
We'd have a good time Cleveland Lake or something.
Slamming beers, doing stupid shit.
So Davey and I had certain buddies that would walk up and hear the bullshit that was you
in and then help seal the deal.
They'd sell it completely.
One guy that walked around to help us was a punker named Jason.
Jason was really cool because he looked like the type of guy that wouldn't like us.
But we got to talking to him and we saw eye to eye on everything except music.
Everything else we were the same.
Fuck society, fuck the average guy, fuck this, fuck that.
But when it came to music, we're like fucking listening to Motley Crue and shit like that.
He was listening to, I don't know, the Ramones or even deeper than that,
you know, Dead Kennedys, the Germs, television.
Yeah, he was a real punker.
The Boy Roids.
Yeah.
He had an orange mohawk or a black spike leather and Doc Martens.
So, I mean, you know, you got the guy, right?
You know who I'm talking about.
So great guy though.
I'd love to know what happened to him.
Jason, if you happen to hear this abortion, please, oh, I guess that's a bad word now, isn't it?
This atrocity.
There we go.
If you happen to hear this horrible atrocity, then, you know, hey, send us an email.
I forgot what the valid email is.
We put so many bullshit ones out there.
We can't remember our real place.
There is a valid one and I can't remember what the hell it is.
We also have an actual real phone number.
Hell if I know that one either.
Yeah, so I can't even remember the real one.
Show prep.
Yeah.
Here I was talking about show prep and making a big deal out of it and I can't even remember our email.
So, anyhow, meanwhile, there's this one security guard named Sam that I kind of alluded to or actually went into a little bit.
Sam was a jealous little pussy bitch.
He constantly tried to get me kicked out and barred from all and like I said earlier, he did for a while for a couple of weeks and we went to court.
I got back in which really fumed his ass because every time I seen him, I was like overzealous about him.
Hi, Sam. How are you?
You came over for dinner tonight, little guy.
A little tiny bit of authority and it's gone.
You look cute today.
I beeped his nose one time. He came out with unglued.
So, you know, me and David used to play moon tricks on Sam Cossack.
Sounds like he deserved it.
Oh, he did, you know.
So we quickly went to Jason to be the casual guy walking by to sell it.
So Jason's over in the corner where the movie theaters upstairs used to be because then they went downstairs for a while and then they disappeared.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they used to be upstairs, mid upstairs.
So I think right across from food court maybe if I remember correctly.
Now in my mind, I'm getting confused with word Parkway because their movie theaters shifted around a bit too.
Okay. Well, anyhow, this is when they were upstairs because I remember that part well because people are coming in to go to all of these and we're screwing with them.
So, yeah.
So David and I set this one up perfectly. You know, we had a buddy that he won a backstage pass to Great White.
Oh, remember them? It's a video shoot. Okay. He has an extra.
Oh, that'd be cool.
Yeah. And he was in it. I don't know if it's once bit or something else, but he was in it.
So it then on the back was stamped used. But on the front, it had an MTV logo. It didn't have a specific band.
It just had it didn't say Great White. It just said extra for MTV video shoot.
And I remember really well it was green with an orange MTV on it with her famous logo.
Yeah.
It was really cool looking and it was like made with some sort of a some sort of a really thick paper and it was engraved, I guess.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. It was raised. It felt great. It felt like the seal of something.
Embossed paper, raised printing.
Raised printing, whatever.
Makes it a lot harder to counterfeit. Plus it makes it look cool.
So our friend agreed to let us borrow this for a little while. We got it back to him, like we said.
We didn't tear it up or steal it or nothing. So Davey started waving the card in the air and making fun of me because he got this and I didn't.
He was like, hey, I'm going to be on this. I'm going to be on this whatever.
Video.
Yeah. So he's waving around going, I'm going to be on the video and you're not because you're too stupid and you couldn't win and all this stuff.
So this magical card was supposed to be a freebie to be an extra on the set of MTV. This is what we set it up to be, right?
A list of hundreds of bands. The secret MTV guy walking around.
He was walking around the mall and this was going to be Sam eventually.
So the secret MTV guy that has these free magical passes was Sam, only he didn't know it.
Davey's like, and I'm like, fucking asshole. Yeah, all this stuff.
So automatically see people get ready to walk in, right? Get ready to go to movie.
Just like magnetic. They're just staring at us. And Davey's like, and all this stuff.
Man, that sucks, man. You get to go and I don't. So Davey is waving this around, making fun of me and Jason will walk by.
They go, yeah, I fucking 112. I threw it at him because there's no punk bands on it. Fuck that. I don't want to go.
So all of a sudden, those kids are fucking coming over there. What was this? So that's so clever.
Oh, yeah. You set it up perfect. So the reason that we picked Sam to do this on that day was because we had the card for a couple of days.
He's wearing plain clothes and I guess he thought he's gonna catch shoplifters or something.
Not wearing his little fucking bitch outfit that he normally wore.
You know, so Jason, instead of us goes, yeah, that fucking little douche right there is the one.
That's the secret MTV guy. We didn't even say it. He did it. It sold it even more.
Because all these teens are like, you know, fucking their heads spun around and they're scared.
So Jason said, yeah, he goes, yeah, I bit him on the ear to get one.
So the story was, was this. The more outrageous you were, the more likely you were to get a free pass.
It was perfect. Yeah. So automatically he had like fucking 50 teens jumping in front of him, fucking biting his ear, kicking him in the ass.
One guy was clucking like a chicken in the space. Another guy's like, look, look, look, I'm a bird.
Some guy fucking jumped off on one side. Another guy ripped off one of the trees and hit him with a switch.
And Sam was just fucking freaking out, man. He's like, what the fuck? And they're like, we want a pass. We want a pass.
This probably went on for fucking 25 minutes. He was losing his mind. Yes, he was. He didn't know what was going on.
He'd get 10 teens away from him, right? And then you have 10 more teens attacking.
So we leave. We let this go on and let it go downhill. And those teens told another one, get the pass from that fucker.
He didn't give us anything. So this just kept rolling on and rolling on and rolling on.
So we come back a couple of hours later. We went to, oh, no, I know what we did. We went to Andy's Santa Fe and had a burrito.
I remember the Andy's. We weren't even old enough to drink, but we still did because they never carted there.
We both had margaritas. We were fucking laughing at our feet on the table and shit.
Davey had fucking flip flops on, so they eventually got mad and kicked us out because you could see his toenails hanging out.
People didn't like that. So we get back in. Also, we see Sam coming by all the shovels.
By this time, everything was gone. It was all said and done. I go, hey, Sam, do you want to know where all that came from?
Davey pulled out the cart and said, see this? I go, yeah, you just been had, bitch. Oh, he was fucking furious.
He turned right then, you motherfucker, I'm going to get you out of here. I'm going to get you guys kicked out for good.
And I go, what for? I didn't do anything against them all. We didn't get kicked out.
That was one of the best fucking pranks we ever played. And I just thought about it the other day. I'm like, my God.
There are some other ones I got to remember that we did to him too.
And then I got another one. You listen to the solo cast, right? I'm going to tell the story about the nutmire.
Oh, yes. Biggin'.
Two douchebags and a microphone. The number one show for people that lie about their favorite podcast.
Oh shit, what's that over there? Oh no. It's island of horrible jokes.
I can't take my dog to the lake. The ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for having a purebred dog.
I had a request from my friend Lona that listens to this podcast and will probably listen to this.
But anyhow, some of the so she's going way back with this elaborate prank and I forgot all about it actually.
There's more on this level specifically that I can tell you about. This is in general the elaborate prank.
It's a really good vicious line of events.
We're going to go into some humor now. We've done some serious stuff.
My great buddy Davey, I think a lot of people know him. I know Davey. See?
So there we go. Two out of three. Cindy knows Davey. Four out of four. Val knows Davey. Five out of five.
Okay. Well everybody in the whole world knows him evidently.
When we were teenagers, every summer his parents would go to Truman Lake.
They'd take their camper there and they'd be gone pretty much from Memorial weekend to Labor Day weekend.
A good two and a half month stretch. Something like that. Sometimes it was stretching to three depending on how they felt.
And so anyhow, this meant one thing. Party house.
So Davey and I had some evil tricks that we like to play on the people.
The people that all partied at the house for a while, they were all in on the gag because they probably hadn't happened to them before.
So anyhow, they were a victim at one point and then after they got through with the hurt and the embarrassment and the blues,
they were like, okay, all right, well it's time for someone else.
So new guys that would come to the house didn't know about this, but the people that were there for a while, they knew they were safe.
So anyhow, one of the things that we would do is we'd all be getting trashed.
But anyone that wasn't at Davey's house before would not know this.
There was a refrigerator in the back room that contained all the sodas.
All the Dr. Peppers, all the Cokes, all that, the Sprites, what have you, Mountain Dews. Dr. Peppers were all in the back fridge.
And the front fridge was full of useful stuff like food and stuff like that.
So anyhow, we'd all be getting smashed and anyhow, someone would wake up and they'd be parched.
So they would look for something that they could drink and also have caffeine.
We didn't believe in coffee back then. Coffee didn't exist. It was all soda pop.
So what we would do is we would take a can of soda and we would open it up and drink it or throw it out or whatever.
Probably drink it most likely. We weren't that stupid. And we would piss in it.
So we would take this can of open Dr. Pepper, let's say, and with all the content gone, we would piss in it.
And then we'd stick it back in the fridge.
Ouch.
Well, like I said, the people that have been there for a while, they knew about it.
The new people did not.
Don't drink from the front fridge. Drink from the back fridge.
Well, the people that have been there for a while would be like, uh-uh, I ain't going to get this one right here. Uh-uh.
Oh my God.
I'm going to go get this one in the back room.
So anyhow, you know, it would usually end up like this.
We'd hear a scream and some cussing and some threats and stuff like that.
And then we'd come down there and everyone would, like no one would know who did it.
We're like, what? Are you fucking joking me?
And then, you know, go over there if they didn't like throw it against the wall or stuff and smell it.
Oh my God, it is piss.
Hey, we're going to find out who did this, man. I'm sorry.
You know, and then later on...
You have already made the excuse like, well, oh man, I was collecting this urine sample for my dog.
I got to take him to the vet later.
So sorry, I should have marked it.
The only thing I had was a Dr. Pepper can.
And you happened to be the purse sucker that went in on the conversation.
You know how tough it was to get that dog to pee into that Dr. Pepper can.
Now it's ruined.
And it had to be a day old. My dog's going to die because you drank his piss.
Well, anyhow.
You drink the dog's piss and the dog dies.
That's pretty bad.
Yeah. I can't get the sample to the vet in time and he's definitely ill.
Thanks a lot, fuckface.
A brand new future.
Strange insights from an alien.
May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
Christopher, you know our elaborate prank section, right?
Okay, well, I've got one for you.
I never told you about Babel Snatch, have I?
Uh, no.
Okay, even if I did, just say I didn't know that.
Who knows? Nothing about Babel Snatch.
Yeah, I think I remember a name like Babel Snatch.
Okay.
Well, Babel Snatch, this is back in the 80s.
Probably mid-80s, best guess.
Could have been 87 at the latest, but anyhow.
Yeah, I used to go to the 7-Eleven in Belvedere, which isn't there now.
It was knocked down and then replaced way later by a quick trip.
But anyhow, I used to go in there all the time and, you know, go in there and buy sodas and shit and whatever, you know.
Rolling papers for my friends, not for me.
And anyhow, you know, just shit like that.
So, anyhow, there's this guy in there. He, I don't know, you know.
I think he hated long hairs or something, but anyhow, I noticed he was nice to everybody but me.
Like, I'd be like third in line and, anyhow, you know, the first guy, hey, Mr. Jones, how you doing?
Oh, man, yeah, nice weather. Hey, how's the kid? You know, next person.
Hi, Loretta, how you doing? Oh, man, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything's going good, man.
I got the old Taurus running really good. Yeah, yeah, come by, man.
The old Taurus. Yeah, you know, I come up there, 142.
So how you doing? 142. OK, here you go.
And I'm like, what the hell? How come this guy hates me?
And every time I go in there, nicest pie to everybody but me, it's like, just like, I'd be 249.
So, weather's pretty nice out there. Thanks. Bye.
I'm a motherfucker.
So he did this so many times and he just never talked to me. He wouldn't even like hardly look at me, you know.
Nice. So, and I never did nothing to this fucker that I know of.
You know, maybe someone said something like this guy said, you know, that you're a dick or maybe someone screw him like,
hey, man, he thinks you got a nice ass. Who knows?
Whatever the fucking deal was, the guy was just a complete tool bag to me constantly.
So I was like, hi, bitch. So I go home and I think about it. OK.
So I start calling up and I go, hey, you got any Babel Snatch gum?
What? Babel Snatch?
I mean, everybody, I mean, I bought it from there a couple of weeks ago.
Stuff is fucking awesome, man. I'll tell you what, man, you know, talk to your manager about it.
Is this like a breath freshening gum?
I don't, you know.
Maybe a bubble gum?
I just came up with it and anyhow, the guy, he bent on it, you know, he was like, oh, yeah, I'll check on it for you.
Yeah. Thanks, man. I appreciate it.
So anyhow, so I called back a little bit later. Yeah, someone called earlier, you know, and anyhow,
I'm sure we have it here somewhere, but, you know, I'll talk to my manager about it tonight and we'll see what we can do.
So anyhow, I have a couple other people call it about Babel Snatch gum and, you know, and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, we're we're working on getting it in. OK.
You know, the regional manager, we called him and he said he was going to work on getting it in here.
And I go, well, you know, I bought it the other day and it's just so good.
And they believe me, I go, man, this gum is just so great tasting.
And he's like, it's Babel Snatch, right? Yeah, Babel Snatch. That's the name of it. OK. All right.
I would have loved to listen into the conversation when he's asking the regional manager about Babel Snatch.
Oh, yeah. So, you know, anyhow, I called down there the next day and I go, hey, man, you know, you got that Babel Snatch gum.
And the guy's like, oh, hang on, hang on. I think it's in. We just had a load. Hang on.
So anyhow, so the guy's like, you know, and this is a guy I hated, the Paul guy.
So anyhow, he's like, yeah, hang on a second. So I hear him like, yeah, I'm going to go to the back there.
And it's in one of the boxes. I said it was coming in today. So all right. No big deal.
So I hear him go back. I hear some rustling and a couple of people come in and then he stops.
He goes up there. Oh, yeah, it'd be 1242. OK. Thank you. Have a good day.
He helps someone else. I hear him go back again. I hear him rustling through some more boxes.
Meanwhile, I'm laughing my ass off. And anyhow, this guy, he liked for like 20 minutes is looking for Babel Snatch gum.
So anyhow, so like finally, like a half hour later, he comes back. He goes, man, he goes, look, I know we're going to have it in by the end of the day.
I talked to my manager. OK. All right, man. All right. I'll come in at night and I'll get some gum and save some for me, man. OK.
My name's Billy. I'll be in. OK. OK. All right. I'll save you some Babel Snatch gum. No problem.
So a couple of hours later, I call up and I talked to the manager.
Manager's like, yeah, yeah, I ordered some a couple of days ago and it should be in.
If it's not in right now, it's going to be in by the end of the day. I guarantee you.
So I don't know how the hell they ordered it because there's there was no such thing as Babel Snatch gum.
I made the shut up and all of a sudden, I mean, everybody wanted this fucking Babel Snatch gum and it never did exist.
Matter of fact, this prank got so good to where I ended up.
This is, you know, in the 80s before digital cameras even, let alone, you know, there are phone cameras and all the, you know, Photoshop and everything.
No, we had to like cut stuff out of wrappers and stuff and make a fake Babel Snatch gum and take an old fashioned fashion like a Polaroid type of picture.
I forgot what it was. It could be one of those old box cameras back then.
Probably the only thing I could afford, you know, we actually took a picture of the Babel Snatch gum and a guy went in there.
He goes, hey, man, I need this. I was like, I know, I know, I know, man, we're working on getting it in.
It's hard to get, man. Everybody wants this Babel Snatch gum.
So anyhow, I guess the whole moral of the story is, is don't be a dick to me because then I'll do something like that.
And even now to this day, I'll have a couple of people on my friends list every now and then like send me a little message.
They'll go Babel Snatch. I'm like, ah, what time I was like working up in fucking New York or something.
And all of a sudden I get a ding and like I'm on top of this fucking skyscraper.
They're putting in glass and I look down and it says Babel Snatch.
I'm like, oh, they're dying. This glass about ready to fall and kill a hundred people.
They recover your body and they look at your phone and the last text you received said Babel Snatch.
We better look into this.
By some guy named Dirtbag.
So anyhow, that is my elaborate prank section of this unless we go some more in there.
But anyhow, Babel Snatch. Never forget it.
This name lives on.
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Hey, where'd everybody go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner. Oh geez.
Ugh, I'm glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.
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