Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River,
it is Two Boosh Bags and Microphone Podcast.
This ain't boring as radio, kid. It's the Next Generation Podcast.
Like stated before, if you believe anything we say
or think this podcast anything other than hyperbole, parody, and just plain stupidness,
you're dumber than us, and that's hard to beat.
Oh Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no! That drunk guy just hit my child!
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
Clown nose! Just put one on and you can do anything!
Wanna run for office? Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and BAM! Everyone laughs!
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
Daddy took them off yesterday.
I'm a fucking girl now, I'm like, I can't do it.
I've gone through a couple pair.
They wear out.
The stuff does not get this in the head. I had to get a speaker in there.
I got bored in one.
I didn't want to get any more than I had to.
But you know if you're wearing the headphones you can't hear the traffic, dogs.
You gotta hear somebody say, shirt?
I'm like, I wanna buy a car with you.
I used to wear headphones when I was delivering mail, but I had to be able to hear the dogs coming at me.
You gotta get that catra going.
Now I was coming into the parking lot and the guy goes, shirt?
I'm like, you're the man, I'm gonna bite.
One of them is located in the ballroom now.
I've never understood the hostility towards bicycles.
I should have just stopped and been like, what did you say?
Throwing a bike at me and shit.
I said, if this bike had a 50-inch front tire, I'd go.
There's somebody else's bike tire.
These are 29, these are 26.
Oh wow.
That's the original, this ain't.
It'd be like one of those old funny cars where they had those real small front tires and the big back tires.
It's like taking my 29-inch tires off this bike and sticking them on my beach cruiser next to 26.
It's like riding a bike that's way too big.
Then I'd be like, I was happy to say, no brakes!
I don't know what I'm gonna do with that, man.
The wind's blowing, my sneezing all over me.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a good pollen season.
Everything's covered in a little green powder.
On a little Sunday.
Yeah.
This place is hopping on a Sunday.
They usually come down on a Monday morning, not nearly the number of people.
Yeah.
But on a good Sunday, they're all out.
Hoping to catch some people who were done with the draft and from out of town.
See if we can talk to some of them.
I live in the city.
I'm out of town.
Yeah?
Technically.
I live in a park, but town.
Yeah.
I'm trying to find out where I'm gonna get my pick-pick.
Yeah.
It's all downhill.
Oh, yeah.
I'll look for Charlie and see if he goes.
What you have here?
Oh.
It has a parking brake.
It has a parking brake?
No, it sticks.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Take it easy.
All right.
We'll just kind of ramble our way on into this.
It's hopping here today again.
Yeah, it is.
Good.
I've got some invisible-ass padlands.
I've got a deer douchebag.
I've got some alternative insults.
Let's see.
Thirty free facts about sleep.
The skit.
Oh, nice.
I'm gonna have to record it in bits and piece it together.
I'll have a lot of these sound effects already.
Okay, good.
Maybe Tuesday evening?
You doing anything Tuesday evening?
I don't think so.
Sounds good.
Yeah, maybe Tuesday evening we can get together and put together some of this, and I'll have
the voice guy do his part.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
You have anything you want to lead off with?
Let's see.
What would be good lead-off material?
Oh, Tesla again.
Oh, okay.
There we go.
And more Tesla.
Since we're always after Elon, might as well.
Yes.
All right.
He's getting an ass paddling too, by the way.
He deserves one.
Yes, he does.
So I guess we should officially start this mess.
Yes, we should.
We'll just start it in.
Are you ready to go?
Yep.
All right.
Are we going right now?
We are going right now.
Okay.
All right.
Well, two douche bags and microphone.
I guess there's a little bit recorded before me, which is fantastic.
It sounded like a great conversation.
So, well, I was hobbling over back to the car because I forgot to put in parking.
Yep.
And then grabbing our lattes.
That's what was happening.
So two douche bags.
And a microphone.
Mark.
And I'm Topher.
All right.
We're going to start off, like Forrest said, with Elon Musk.
Oh, yeah.
Who's getting an ass paddling later?
We definitely don't want our podcast mobile to get towed out of the parking lot.
No, no.
That would be a shitty day.
Yeah, there's the guy behind you there that I was talking to earlier with the bicycle.
Oh, okay.
Well, maybe he'll come back over and talk some more.
That'd be fine.
All right.
More Tesla next.
All right.
I always get drawn into anything that says Tesla.
Yeah.
I think the three pugs are here again.
Oh, no, no.
It's only two.
Forget it.
It's not the same guy.
Banjo Barney is here again.
Yes, he is, which is awesome.
But I've not seen Mrs. Goldfenstein yet.
Yeah, she doesn't like large crowds.
She doesn't.
She likes to yell at the walls privately.
Yes, yes.
She's a very private person.
When she's mad at the walls, she doesn't want anyone to know except us and the rest of the
podcast world.
Exactly.
So, okay.
So, Elon's at it again, huh?
Yeah.
Well, his car company, Tesla, which, you know, of course, is run exactly the way he wants.
Yeah.
Tesla has started disabling supercharging for cars that they feel don't deserve it.
Oh, how fucking shitty.
So, for a little background here, supercharging is the fast charging.
Yeah, I know.
And it's generally less expensive if not free.
Tesla had sold a number of, like, two model years of cars.
They said if you buy the car, you get unlimited lifetime supercharging.
Now, they're trying to weasel out of that because they can't, well, they don't want
to keep providing the free supercharging.
So, they're starting to offer huge incentives for these people to trade in their cars on
one that doesn't have unlimited charging because they don't offer it anymore.
And they're also trying to get people to take a one-time cash buyout to give up their unlimited
charging.
Oh, boy.
He's offering a five grand.
I would never let that motherfucker off the hook if it was me.
Never let him off the hook.
Here's a question I got.
Why is he trying to get out of it?
Does it cost that much?
Yeah.
Plus, he wants, what he's doing now is he's selling cars with, like, two years of unlimited
supercharging and then he wants you to pay after that.
So, he wants the superchargers free and available so you can get used to it so when your free
period runs out, you can't live without it.
So, the whole thing was thought up ahead of time as a scam.
Yeah, what a dick.
What a fucking asshole.
So, now he's exerting even more control over the supercharging.
There was a motorist recently that got stranded.
His car was low, so he pulled over to a supercharging station, plugged it in, and his car is now
on the line.
The motorist said, nope.
Deauthorized.
Can't do it.
And there was no other charging available anywhere that he could get to.
So, he was stuck.
He was stranded because Tesla, without telling him, just took away his supercharger.
I've been so mad I would have found fucking Elon and punched him right in his fucking
alien-looking fucking face.
What a cocksucker.
Geez.
Now, Tesla is also preventing these people from accessing supercharging outside the Tesla
network.
So, you go to some other company's supercharging, but your own car still refuses to accept it
because Tesla turned it off.
Isn't it like Walmart that offers supercharging and there's some other places that offer it?
Even Evergy Energy, I think, has some free supercharging stations.
Yep.
But if Tesla decides your car doesn't get it, it doesn't get it.
Oh man, I would do so bad.
Nothing you can do about it.
All these things that he's doing, once the word gets out, it's going to hurt his sales.
No kidding.
I hope he realizes it.
No, I don't care if he realizes it.
Yeah.
What an asshole.
Let's see, what's the...
Oh yeah.
And some of the reasons they're disabling supercharging is if they can sense any modifications
whatsoever in your vehicle, they disable supercharging.
So anything they can do, any way...
If their algorithm determines that your car isn't up to peak mechanical and electrical
performance, they'll turn off supercharging until you get it fixed.
They're finding any excuse to just cut it off and deny it to you.
That's fucking bullshit, man.
But you know, somewhere in the fine print, when the person bought that car, they agreed
that Tesla had that power over them.
I'm sure it's in the fine print somewhere.
Oh, I'm sure it is too.
I'm sure that whatever Tesla's doing, they've already got you to sign off on it because
nobody reads the fine print.
It's just here's the example of, is this the kind of company you want to do business with?
They sell you a car...
Not me.
I'll never get one now.
And then they keep modifying and modifying.
I used to be in love with Teslas.
Now I can't stand them because of the owner or the inventor or whatever the fuck.
And the gist of the report on this was you don't own your Tesla car because Tesla can
make changes to it, it can deny you things, it can force you to go out of your way for
other chargings.
It can tell you that you're out of luck until you go get your car repaired.
They own your car still.
You may think you own it.
You're paying personal property tax on it, but boy, you sure don't own it.
You're not in control of it.
Not real far off from Ford's car fucking turning itself in because it needs to be...
Repo itself.
Repo.
Wow.
That's something else.
Good old Elon Musk.
Yeah.
That guy looks like a fucking asshole anyhow.
I'm sorry.
He looks like an artificial creation.
He doesn't look like a real human being.
Yeah.
I would doubt.
I would like to see his genetics.
Yeah.
And you know how Elon Musk started, got his fortune?
No.
Family emerald mine.
So he didn't get rich because he's smart.
He won the birth lottery.
And how much you bet he bought his ideas.
I'm not sure.
He bought his ideas.
Uh huh.
He didn't come up with them.
He bought them, I bet.
That's what a lot of, quote unquote, successful people do is they hire intelligent, insightful
people and buy their ideas from them.
Yeah.
You hire them saying your ideas are now my property, so get thinking.
And there's nothing they can say about it either.
Yeah.
It's like, okay, well, I got my money, so.
Yeah.
Wow.
So I have an important question that I'd like to ask.
Yeah.
all the mind readers and psychics in their audience,
I have a very important question for you.
Okay, when you have the answer,
send it in to two douchebags and a microphone.
We'll be waiting.
Yep.
You ever seen those billboards for the psychic fair?
Yes, yeah.
If people are really psychic,
why do they need to put up a billboard?
Shouldn't they just know that the psychic fair is there?
Funny you say that because I've played that on a friend of mine that goes,
I'm gonna go, didn't they telepathically tell you?
What do you mean?
Well, you're psychic, right?
Yeah.
Well, how come they just didn't relay it to you?
Go get out of here, it doesn't work like that.
Of course it doesn't.
Well, how does it work?
What am I thinking right now?
Get out of here.
It only works in a way that I don't have to prove it works.
That's how it works.
Yeah, it's always like, well, it doesn't work like that.
Well, Tesla, hey, how come my car won't charge?
Well, it doesn't work like that.
Exactly.
Hey, let it be like us going into a city market coffee,
just got our coffee ago.
Well, is my coffee ready?
Well, it doesn't work like that.
Well, you mean it doesn't work like that.
It's supposed to work exactly like that.
Wow.
I got a little juicy story for you.
You hear about the federal agents that busted into the wrong hotel room?
No, I didn't.
Oh, this ought to be good.
Yep.
Federal agents and military personnel conducting a training exercise
at a Boston hotel interrupted an unsuspecting civilian
after they entered the wrong room by mistake.
So someone's in there probably scratching their nuts,
watching reruns of Mannix.
And all of a sudden, these federal agents kick it in its fucking.
Jerking off with a banana peel.
I still can't get over it.
Some woman actually called her boyfriend masturbating
into a banana peel.
With a banana peel.
I'm sorry, man.
What about the mess?
Ew.
And your wiener smells like banana.
Yeah.
I've heard of warm bologna in a microwave and shit like that,
but I've never, ever heard of that.
And even a guy in school said he warmed up,
he was going to warm up Silly Putty and do that.
And he said he exploded all over the microwave and ruined it.
His mom and dad like kicked the shit out of him.
Because that's when microwaves were really expensive.
Yeah.
In the 80s, yeah.
You're like, what'd you do?
$1,200 for a microwave.
I warmed up Silly Putty.
Why wouldn't you do that?
I don't want to talk about it.
Authorities confirmed to NPR that one was injured
in the incident, no one was injured in the incident, sorry,
which happened around 10 PM Tuesday night
and now is under review by the FBI and Department of Defense.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
An apology was issued to the affected person by the exercise.
The training was to enhance soldier skills to operate.
Unfortunately, the training entered the wrong room.
Yeah, no telling what was going on.
And bam, fucking broke his door down.
The agency did not offer any information
on the person that was detained, so they detained him.
It doesn't say for how long.
Oh, my gosh.
They probably cuffed him.
They probably put him in the corner.
They probably said all kinds of shit to him,
like, we got you now, son.
Yeah.
You're not going anywhere.
Yeah.
Just the stupidity of doing this exercise just
like in the middle of a hotel with people
staying on either side.
Yeah.
They should have cleared out the whole floor.
So there wasn't really a real perpetrator
that they were looking for.
Yeah, it was just.
It was like a fake one in a different room.
And he's probably in there going,
when the fuck are they going to do this?
I'm getting really tired, man.
I'm about ready to fall asleep.
I'm about to turn on some pay-per-view here.
So all the bureaus said was just that it was not
the intended role player.
And that's all they offered was that.
Well, good to know they're still hiring the best and brightest.
Yeah, that's it.
I mean, that's funny unless it happens to you.
Then that sucks.
Because you know they're mad because, you know, well,
since it was a fake one, then, you know, probably not.
I don't even know.
You know, maybe they, I would imagine
they would have to do all protocol, wouldn't they?
They have to put him in cuffs, put him in the corner, all that.
So yeah.
So he at least had that done.
God.
And then you know the FBI was embarrassed.
And then they get mad because they're embarrassed.
And who knows, he might get a little pissed off at him
because his denial.
It's not me, you son of a bitches.
I'm not the guy.
He's playing his part really well, isn't he?
Yeah.
Well, I guess that means we got to kick the shit out of him
because that's protocol because he's mouthing off.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Bring in the anal ram.
I got a bunch of little stories here.
Do you want to go into something?
Oh, I have an interesting hippopotamus fact.
Oh, yeah, go ahead.
I have learned that hippos can run faster
than human can on land.
And a hippo can swim.
That's funny.
Yeah.
Because they're viewed as slow.
Yeah, they're not.
They're not.
They can definitely outrun you.
They can swim faster than a human in the water.
That's good to know if you're down there.
Yeah.
So really, I guess what this means
is you can still beat one in a triathlon on the bicycle
portion.
Yeah, yeah.
But how many bicycles are out there?
Well, that's true.
But you sign up for the triathlon, you see a hippo.
He's going to beat your ass in the swimming
portion and the running portion.
So what you're saying is you want the swimming
portion to be last in the triathlon.
That way, you're well ahead of him.
Yeah, yeah, you've got a good solid lead.
And he's worn out from trying to pedal a bicycle.
Yeah, trying to pedal a bicycle.
There, there.
OK.
So if you're ever in a triathlon with a hippo,
you know what to do.
Exactly.
That's what we do here.
We give.
Yes.
You're welcome, America.
Don't be just cross that one out right now.
No, I love that one.
Is there any more on it?
Let's see, that was all I had about hippos.
OK.
But I had some on lobsters.
Oh, OK.
But real quick, in the car, you're talking about how the boat.
Oh, yeah, I saw that video.
Yeah.
It was a video.
This one kind of got me onto the subject.
There were a couple of people with a video camera
that got into a small outboard boat.
And they were going through a watery area in,
I think it was Zambia.
Uh-huh.
That's, I'm not sure exactly where that is in Africa.
It's an African country.
And they were looking for a certain hippopotamus
that was native to that area.
And they're cruising along, and they come across an open area
of water, and here are a couple of hippos just looking at them.
And one disappears under the water.
And like three seconds later, it surfaces,
popping up like a dolphin does.
And he's like six feet from the boat.
And they hit the gas.
And the boat's going flat out.
And this hippo is just dead on their stern.
And it's like every three to five seconds,
he comes plunging up out of the water to take a breath
and then down in.
And he is keeping up with the boat.
And the hippo's mad just because they
come flying through there.
Yes.
The hippo is incredibly territorial and very hostile.
Of all the large animals in Africa,
hippos kill the most people every year.
Not lions, not water buffaloes, not rhinos.
You'd be led to believe it would be lions or something
like that.
You would never think that it was a hippo.
It's hippos.
In fact, a lot of villages, if they have a hippo in their area,
will hire a hunter to come kill the hippo,
because the hippo's going to kill their children.
Because the hippo is territorial to the point
that it won't just try to chase you away.
It wants to actually kill you.
Yeah.
So they'll usually get a hunter in.
He'll kill the hippo and feeds the villagers.
They're not a protected animal by any means.
But they're pretty rough customers.
You don't want to screw with a hippo.
Real quick, Topher, look around the corner,
right over there where I'm looking.
Look at the beautiful mullet.
That is epic.
Is that not beautiful?
Oh my god.
That is nearly Billy Ray Cyrus quality.
Yes, it is.
Oh, I wish we had video cam right now.
This mullet is kicking.
It's almost Joe Dirt.
It's really close.
It's really close to Joe Dirt.
Yeah, it's real close.
Oh my god.
I just want to go over there and have a little party.
Have a mullet party.
I need glitter.
Have some mullet mayhem.
Yeah.
Woo, woo.
Look at the mullet.
Oh my god.
It's so beautiful.
Can I frolic around the mullet?
That pretty much guarantees you an ass paddling.
Yes, it does.
Oh, look what he's wearing, too.
Oh my god.
Yep, OK.
Mullet man.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead with the hippo talk.
Oh, we were going to the hippos, but I had some little lobsters.
Oh, OK.
Let's hear about them.
Did you know that a lobster's urinary bladder is in its head?
No.
So they pee out of their faces.
You know, people would clean toilets a lot more if we had to do that.
Absolutely.
Yeah, you wouldn't go into most urinals and have it smell like one giant fucking piss
block with fucking whatever.
Yeah.
And since lobsters communicate by scent, when lobsters talk,
they go up and pee in each other's faces.
That's awesome.
I'm glad that I don't have to talk that way.
No, me too.
I mean, there's almost nobody on this planet
that I would have a conversation with if it involved peeing in each other's faces.
I know, man.
It would be like, hey, here's what we do here.
You look to the left, I look to the right, and we can talk.
Other than that, no deal.
Oh, good old lobsters.
I'm actually not a real fan of lobster meat.
I like crab really well.
I like shrimp, but lobster I've just never really enjoyed.
Here's what I get is it's sold by the pound, right?
And most of the meat that people like, or virtually all of the meat, is in their tail.
Yeah.
OK, so you buy these lobsters, they're basically all their crustacean on the outside,
their armor, or whatever.
The exoskeleton thing.
The exoskeleton.
You're paying for all that for just a little couple of little tidbits in the bottom of it.
Yep.
Yeah.
Yeah, to me it doesn't make sense.
Where I know I don't like seafood at all, I can't stand it.
But if I was to buy seafood, it damn well would not be lobster,
because you're getting ripped off.
And lobster started as-
Crab's another one.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
Lobster started as poor people food for the people who live near the coast.
Yeah, yeah, they were an enhanced mud bug or whatever.
Yeah.
It was considered junky garbage food that normal, well-off people didn't eat.
Like grits.
But then they discovered that if they shipped it inland,
rich people would pay for it because it was so unique and different.
Yes.
But on the coast, it was still poor people food.
Yes.
Yep.
Yeah, it was like what you had to do.
It's like, we don't have anything.
I'll go see if I'll get a couple of those fucking ocean mud bugs or something.
They viewed them pretty much as crawdads.
Yeah, it's like I'm pushing all these lobsters out of my way
while I'm looking for something to eat.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yep.
But with the right PR, all of a sudden it's this fancy treat
that has a whole restaurant named after it.
No, I mean, let's face it, it's like caviar and all of that.
When they discover poor people are eating it,
well, one of the most famous example is brisket and burnt ends
are what were famous for in Kansas City.
The upper echelon would not get near a brisket.
It was too tough.
They didn't know how to cook it.
Yep.
And burnt ends were considered garbage that you chop off and throw away.
Yeah, yeah.
Until the slaves realized they were giving this horrible food to the slaves.
Here, you guys have this.
For the cow we don't want.
And then they discovered how to make it delicious.
Like just crazy delicious.
If you want to find really good food,
look for the food that the disadvantaged people of a culture used to cook.
Because they would get the scraps, the garbage, the leftovers.
And they would make that so delicious.
Yes.
Now burnt ends.
That's where you get the real good food of a culture.
It's not what the rich people eat.
It's what your average person on the street eats.
And burnt ends weren't discovered until later on.
Maybe like the 30s, I think, something like that.
And what it was was, I mean, it was known back in the slave days, you know,
here you cut off the tip and you let that cook longer because it has more fat in it.
Yeah.
When the fat all melts off, the meat caves in on each other.
It has that incredible flavor from all the fat.
Yeah.
And so the outside's crunchy, the inside's tender and it has this amazing flavor.
And guess what?
We can put this delicious sauce on it and make it even better.
So.
Makes it addictive.
Yes.
Absolutely addictive.
Yeah.
So yeah, that's the thing about lobsters.
And yeah, they didn't, it only got popular when the rich man wanted it.
Yeah.
Other than that, it was a necessity.
And that's pretty much the way a capitalist economy is supposed to work.
If more people want it, the price goes up.
If fewer people want it, the price goes down.
Yep.
You know, it's, you know, is there more of it or is there less of it?
And that just sets the price.
That sets the tone of it.
Yeah.
So like right now, crab is really high because king crab has disappeared.
Yeah.
The last I knew, they think some disease took them out.
They don't think they moved.
They're just stuck.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I heard that they thought they'd maybe moved because the currents were shifting.
Warmer climate.
Yeah.
And they thought they're going to where it's colder and they're better adapt to a colder weather.
Yeah.
So no, they think some sort of a virus took them all out, some sort of a sickness.
So.
The thing about populations moving, the California wine industry is having trouble with that
because California has been just perfect wine growing country for decades.
Yeah, very low precipitation.
Moderate temperatures, not a lot of freeze problems, but California is warming up and
drying out too much.
So the excellent wine growing country is moving north into Oregon and Washington and eventually
it's going to move north into Canada.
Yes.
Right now, Oregon is really good for growing wine grapes and it is somehow incredibly fantastically
good for growing marijuana.
Something about the volcanic soil and the way the climate there is, the guy was, the
Spencer, he's saying you just throw seeds on the ground and they're going to sprout
up and give you a bunch of crop.
Wow.
Oregon is just like the perfect place for marijuana.
Is that fertile for marijuana?
Yeah.
So as climate shifts and temperatures shift, populations will move north or south depending
on what they want.
That's why we're getting armadillos up here in Missouri.
Yeah, we never used to get them.
When I was growing up, that was a southern thing.
That was more like, not even Oklahoma.
Yeah.
That was more like northern Texas and down.
It was rarer to see them in Arkansas.
Yeah.
But now they're just all over the side of the road all on the I-70.
Yeah, I even seen some in the Kansas City area.
You speak just south.
Like if you went maybe what, maybe Butler or Rich Hill, that whole area down there,
I don't know, approximately about 40 miles, 50 miles south of Kansas City, you would find
them everywhere and especially over there in the Leicene River bottoms and the wetlands
and that whole area there down 69 Highway, you would find armadillos everywhere.
But you would never find them up here, but now they're being found up here and sooner
or later they're going to be found in Iowa and eventually in Minnesota, all that.
Yeah.
The conservation agent I talked to said that he personally thinks they won't make it much
farther past Missouri because the winters are just too cold.
Because the climates are still, yeah.
But given enough time and you'll get armadillos that will either hibernate or migrate.
Yeah.
And they'll move into that territory too.
And armadillos are nasty on a lot of different levels.
One, they'll make your lawn overnight look like you not only plowed it, but diced it.
They have these amazing digging front claws.
They're just these massive backhoe type front feet.
And they look for these, they're kind of like moles.
They look for these grubs and other little things in the soil that they eat.
Yeah, like moles and what's the other one, hedgehogs.
Hedgehogs, yeah.
So they go and they sip through your whole lawn overnight.
Yeah.
And my friend David lives down in Stockton, he's had a horrible time with it.
He said you have to get a clean kill on them otherwise they come after you.
These docile little creatures, he went up and anyhow he woke up and his whole fucking
land was plowed, he's like, shit.
So he goes and he gets his shotgun and he finds a little fucker.
So he goes over.
Shotgun's not going to be so good.
Well, I guess it was looking out when he shot it so he winged it.
He said this thing jumped in the air and fucking came at him.
Wow.
Yeah, he said the thing was madder than hell and he said he had to run like fuck, get behind
a tree and then when it went on the ground he had to stick the barrel of the gun in between
its armor and blow its head off like that.
Yeah.
Shotgun pellets are going to bounce a lot of the time.
And if it's illegal to kill them, I'm lying about all of this.
My friend did not do it.
No, they are legal to kill.
They're considered an invasive species.
Okay, then yeah.
So you can kill it, no limit on methods or how many or any of that stuff.
And down in Stockton, let's face it, they don't give a shit.
No.
Someone probably wants it for food.
Yeah, yeah.
Even though they can give you, what is it?
Leprosy.
Leprosy?
Is it leprosy?
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Or the proper term, I guess, anymore is Hansen's disease, but yeah, leprosy.
Seriously, is that a thing?
I've heard it called that before.
Yeah, yeah.
Why don't you call it Hansen's disease?
Hansen's.
Typically a disease is named after the doctor or the patient where it's first isolated.
Okay.
Like Alzheimer's, Lou Gehrig's, Hansen's disease, Huntington's Korea is named after
some guy named Huntington.
So it's, you know, rather than have a name like, you know.
I want Lipschitz disease.
I want Dr. Lipschitz to fucking find something.
I go, what do you got?
I got Lipschitz.
Yeah.
No, I got Lipschitz.
Yeah, we can't call it tennis elbow anymore.
It's Lipschitz disease.
So I've heard that leprosy is pretty difficult to catch.
It takes a lot of exposure.
So pretty much the guys who make a living out of slaughtering and rendering armadillos
are prone to getting leprosy after like 10 or 15 years.
So it takes a lot of exposure.
Now, I mean, what could they use an armadillo for?
Are there oils in it that they use or?
I've heard mostly there's some meat in it and then the bodies themselves can be sold
as tourist traps.
So people do eat the meat.
Yeah, they're edible.
They don't taste very good.
I wouldn't eat one.
Yeah, scavenger type animals generally don't taste all that good.
No, they taste like what they eat.
Yeah.
Grub worms.
Predators don't taste all that good either.
No, no.
It's the herbivores, the plant eaters.
Those ones are the ones that taste good.
Like tasty cattle.
Yes.
Yeah.
We need to talk to the girls and have another Jess and Jim's night.
Oh, yeah.
I'll go for one of their steak burgers or maybe even a steak.
I could go for a steak, really.
Yeah.
Pretty yummy.
I mean, pork chops last night, they were...
I overcooked them just a little.
They're a little dry.
Oh, well.
Jealous.
Yeah.
Did you bread them or did you grill them?
I just sitting here marinated them in this brown sugar bourbon mix.
Oh.
And then I put them on.
I got one of those little tiny Weber grills.
It's like 16 inches around.
The kind that what's his name?
Killed himself with?
Yes.
Yeah, Brad Delp from Boston.
You got a Brad Delp?
I got a Brad Delp.
You cooked them on a Brad Delp?
Yes.
Okay, good.
So disrespectful.
I know.
Sorry I took it there.
Well, we are two douchebags.
We are, yeah.
You know what?
It's all in our name.
Hey, how are you all doing?
Hey, you guys got anything you want to say?
Two douchebags and a microphone.
Yep.
The two douchebags are us and this is the microphone.
Larry and Roy Curly.
Yeah, there you go.
Yeah.
Yeah, pretty much.
Where is Curly?
Oh, we'll call him here in a little bit.
Yeah, here we go.
I did remember the Bluetooth finally.
Oh, excellent.
I learned how Bluetooth got its name.
Yeah, that's interesting.
How did it get its name?
There was a...
Oh, good.
I did remember to recharge it.
There was a king or some leader of some country and he had a reputation as someone who could
get separate parties to come together and talk, basically build connections between
countries and people who weren't talking.
So, he was very good at connectivity and his nickname was Bluetooth.
When the creators of this Bluetooth technology were looking for a name, one of them decided,
you know, well, hey, let's just honor this guy from the 1500s or something.
I guess he had a tooth that was kind of blue.
So, that's why it's called Bluetooth in honor of this 16th century ruler who was good at
getting people together to connect to the network.
And also, he can't come back and go, you named it after me.
No, no, he can't too.
That's awesome.
I always wonder what a weird name, Bluetooth.
So, it really is named after a Bluetooth.
I'll be damned.
Wow.
So, I got a whole bunch of stuff about sleep.
We want to get into that at some point.
I promise not to put you to sleep.
Oh, no, no.
Should we maybe do a deer douchebag?
Yes, let's do a deer douchebag.
Okay, all right.
Hey, look.
I think we found land.
Oh, my God.
I think we're safe.
Oh, no.
It's the island of horrible jokes.
What did the coach say to the vending machine?
Give me my quarterback.
If you enjoy two douchebags and a microphone, you'll definitely enjoy a shovel to the head.
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It's the all-new Amber Heard Alert system.
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Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct wash rags.
Two douchebags and a microphone invade your ear holes in three, two, one.
And a microphone.
I'm Mark.
I'm Topher.
All right.
We are your source for all things douchebaggery.
Yes, we are.
Yay.
And also, I'd like to thank everybody for listening.
The numbers, I mean, our numbers were never terrible.
We always had good numbers, but our numbers have exploded over the last few years.
I think a lot of it has to do with our nice, beautiful banner here,
which I'm going to take a picture of in post before we call Rob Radd a little bit later.
So anyhow, dear douchebags, I have a very serious problem.
Well, my friend likes to order kale whenever we go out.
One of those.
Yeah, yeah.
This is going to be tough already, I can tell you that right now.
I'm going to try taking the condom off the microphone.
The wind has died down.
Oh, good.
I mean, because, I mean, kale is one of those unforgivable acts.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know what you can do with a person.
That's like crime against humanity.
Yeah.
I mean, how can you ever, like, look at them as the same when they order kale,
and they do it right in front of you?
Yeah.
And just hearing them say that word, you know, in polite company,
it's like, it's like yelling fistfuck real loud.
I got tears running down my face right now.
I'd rather hear somebody yell fistfuck right in my ear than say the word kale.
I would do a hundred times than one word of kale.
Yeah.
Harbed wire fistfuck.
Still better than kale.
Better than kale.
Bamboo splints up the asshole.
Still better than kale.
The, the boll weevil clap cure.
Better than kale.
And that's the glass rod.
The glass rod that you smash.
Oh.
When my buddy told me that, I was like, oh.
I'm about vomited when he told me that.
Think about the person whose job it was to make those glass rods.
What am I doing this for?
Well, we have this thing out there called the boll weevil clap.
Daddy, what do you do for a living?
Never mind.
I'll talk to you about it later.
I'm a, I'm a crossing guard.
Go away.
Yeah.
Now get the hell out of here before I kick your ass.
I'm a kale salesman.
Oh.
Oh my God.
That'd be worse.
Daddy, I'm sorry, but you're an idiot.
I've got to leave.
I can't, I can't be around this.
Call Child Welfare Services immediately.
You're the kid would.
Oh my God.
And he's like, oh, the shovel.
Can we help you son?
Son, can you?
My dad's a kale salesman.
We'll be right there.
He said the K word in front of me.
It's so fun to have something that's that bad.
We're never going to stop it either.
No.
I'm going to stop it.
We're never going to stop it either.
I've even had a couple people say something to me like kale's not that bad.
I'm like, stop with the stupidity.
Stop it right now.
You know that someone has been brainwashed by the kale aliens.
Yeah, the kale aliens are here on earth and they look like people and they're here to
play this big joke.
I mean, it's like they have this big video camera and every time someone eats kale they
laugh at us.
There's also a theory that, oops, better put the condom back on the mic.
It's getting windy again.
There's also a theory that the kale is actually a toxic waste.
There we go, microphone condom.
Toxic waste for this planet and they're just dumping it on us.
You know, that could be it.
I bet you it is a toxic waste.
They're like, look, these idiots are eating up.
That's what China does with their exports.
They just put radiation and lead and all pesticides.
I know, everything.
Here you go.
They dump it into whatever, kids toys, wall board.
Well, it's already been proven, but people still buy their shit.
Yeah.
You know, I won't buy a single thing from China that I feed to my dogs.
No.
Not one.
No.
And I'll put it like this, if our government really gave a shit about us, they would be
actively doing something about this, but they're not.
No, because they're probably getting away with the same shit somewhere else so they
can't say boo.
Yeah, exactly.
They know too much.
China's like, go ahead.
Well, we'll just expose you when you did this to this river.
There was a Van Halen video, and I remember a line in there that was printed on the screen.
The song was Right Now, and the line was, right now, our government is doing things
that we think only other governments do.
That's right.
That is exactly true.
Because that's when Sammy went off on the diatribe that the American dream is over.
He got in a lot of shit over that, but he was correct.
Well, the American dream was a lie to begin with.
Buy a car and a house and have kids, it's so we could spend money.
It was to prop up the car industry, the construction industry, the real estate industry, get a
whole bunch of us paying real estate taxes.
Average 2.4 kids, a house in the suburbs.
It was all something sold to us and told we should want this.
We were told we should want this, if you're normal, you want this.
And they turned us on.
And probably one of the reasons the gay community was so shunned.
They're like, oh, they're not having kids.
Exactly.
They didn't fit the profile of people who'd be spending along these lines because they
couldn't have a burgeoning family.
Until they figure out how to advertise to them.
All of a sudden it's like, oh, all welcome.
Like the new Google Fiber commercial that has the Translator on it.
That wouldn't have happened years ago because they didn't know what they could sell to them.
Now all of a sudden it's like, oh yeah, let's do one.
Because they know they can sell to them.
And that's the important thing to remember, especially in this whole Bud Light thing.
Bud Light is not into activism.
They're into marketing.
They're trying to sell beer and that's all they care about.
Although because of their clientele it has hurt them considerably.
But like I said to Topher, I think last week, I go into Walmart.
Maybe I said it on air, I can't remember.
But I go into Walmart and all the Bud Lights there, not one touched.
Right next to it is Natural Light and it's almost all gone.
Now who makes these?
And Heizer Busch makes both of them.
So they're over there laughing.
They're like, hey, Bud Light ain't selling but Natural Light is going off the shelves
at an alarming rate.
And I see articles saying, you know, Bud Light has lost six billion in revenue since this
thing.
Well, it's not like the parent company InBev has lost six billion.
Because a lot of that six billion was spent on other brands that are still in Heizer Busch
that these people just don't realize.
And they even own craft breweries that people have no idea about.
The list, if you ever get a chance, go on Google and ask Google what are all the companies
that they own and are affiliated with.
And you'll be like, what?
You know, I mean, yeah, there's like a lot of craft breweries.
I forgot who they were, but they're ones that you still view as independent.
But they're not.
Like Ford at one point owned Maserati and Volvo and various other brands.
And like imagine if Maserati made some ad blunder and no one would buy Maserati's anymore.
And they say, oh, Maserati has lost 20 million in sales.
But if all those people went and bought a Lincoln instead, Ford still gets the money.
So it doesn't matter anyway.
And Lincoln looks over there and capitalizes on it.
It's like, all right, well, they're just going to buy a different car because we're going
to do this.
But Ford will still say, oh, look at all this revenue we lost.
We're hurting.
Poor us.
And then take a tax write off.
Yes, they take a tax write off.
It's insane how it works.
Even when the companies are whining and complaining and squealing, they're still OK.
They're still getting a tax write off.
It's all being counterspeak.
They're still getting tax write off.
All of this is just trying to illustrate how they need help.
Anytime a company starts saying, oh, poor us, poor us, I call bullshit immediately every
time.
Yes.
It's just like all the bailouts.
I bet you most of those car companies didn't need a dime.
No, Ford didn't.
It's free money.
No, Ford didn't even take it.
No.
But Ford was smart about it because there's such a backlash from the conservative market
about that that they're like, you know what?
We estimated like 70% of our sales come from conservative families.
Don't take it.
Yep.
They didn't take it and it worked out tremendously for them.
It did.
And if there had been a second company that didn't take it, it would have failed for Ford.
Yes.
But it only worked for Ford because they were the only one.
So when the thing, when all the dust set.
Well, their trucks are F-150s.
A lot of conservatives buy those.
Now it seems to be Rams.
They seem to be into Rams.
Have you noticed that?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
The big Rams.
Going after the Italian trucks.
Yeah.
The Italian trucks.
Seriously.
Do you mean?
It just comes from over there.
Do people really think Dodge, Chrysler, Jeep, Ram is an American company anymore?
I bought my Jeep knowing fully well it is Italian.
I don't care.
I still love my Jeeps and I would love to see where all these other ones have their
money going too.
Yeah.
Engines built overseas.
Yeah.
It's not like it used to be.
Well, like the Ford Ranger that's sold in Europe was designed in Australia and built
in South Africa.
But Ford is still considered an American car company because that's where the headquarters
are.
Yes.
Dodge headquarters are in Italy at Fiat.
Yes.
Because Fiat owns every Dodge, Ram, Chrysler, all those Rams.
So it's not an American car company.
It doesn't matter that they make them here.
Honda makes cars here.
Yeah.
Toyota makes cars here.
I bet their percentages are really close too.
Yeah.
I know of quite a few Honda factories like I do the domestic or supposed domestic ones.
You know, there's a lot of Honda plants I know here in America where they're at.
Yeah.
Just like I know where there's a lot of Ford plants.
So there can't be that much difference.
Yeah.
A Panasonic was an American brand that was sold to a Japanese company.
Yes.
But people immediately said, okay, now it's a Japanese brand.
But Dodge gets a pass from their fanboys because they don't want to believe that it's no longer
an American company.
That's a good way of putting it.
Yeah.
You know, they want to keep that on the down low.
Yeah.
And then if anyone says anything, oh, is that true?
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
And you'll even see in their ads, they never claimed to be an American company.
They say American made because they're built in America.
Yes.
They say they're not imports because they're built in here, but they're still not an American
company.
No.
The profits go home to Italy.
The cars are designed in Italy.
All the important decisions are made in Italy by Fiat.
Yep.
It's not an American.
Before it was Fiat, it was owned by an international investment group.
And before it was owned by them, it was owned by a German company, Daimler.
Daimler Benz.
It hasn't been an American company for decades, but people still pretend it's one of the big
three American car companies.
It used to be.
It hasn't been for a while.
It is a while.
Yeah.
Dear Douchebags.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry, I just had to look down.
Okay.
Okay, we're going to reset this whole thing.
Okay.
All right.
Dear Douchebags, I have a very serious problem.
Will my friend likes to order kale when we go out?
Oh yeah, I forgot we were talking about kale.
We literally went everywhere all over the world except kale.
I really like this person.
We have been friends for a long time, but quite frankly, to be sat down with a person
dumb enough to fall for the kale hoax, it's unbearable.
Well, that would be, yeah.
I'm going to kill my association.
Can you imagine that?
They are sitting down for a meal and then they order it.
Yeah.
I mean, I would have got up and left.
It's like sitting next to a flat urfer.
You know?
Yeah, yeah.
I would have laughed.
Holocaust denier.
As soon as that word came out of their mouth, I would have been like, excuse me.
No, don't excuse me.
No.
Yeah, no.
Signed, no kale in Springdale.
I like that.
Another great name.
Yeah.
These guys are good, aren't they?
They are.
They are involved with these things.
Okay.
Dear no kale, well, my first thought was to point out that the kale on one's plate sure
makes you look like a follower and a very gullible, but perhaps you should just take
the little hints of life throws at you and go with it.
Because you know, it makes you look like gullible.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And it makes you, you know, look like you'll fall for anything.
Yeah.
Well, that's true.
So you can use that to your advantage.
Yeah.
Yeah, you can.
Sorry.
Some people are marveling over this.
Yeah, sure.
Absolutely.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
I'm going to do a good podcast.
And yeah, please do, man.
Thank you.
You got anything you want to say?
We were at the draft this weekend in Kansas City and Kansas City represented very well.
Hey, thank you.
Where are you from?
We're from St. Louis.
Oh, okay.
Cool.
Yeah, it was a great time.
Everybody here was wonderful.
We love it here.
We always appreciate it.
We love here.
So yeah, we appreciate the hospitality.
Thank you.
Are you a Tease fan?
I'm not a Tease fan.
Well, Andy, I'm an E of Philadelphia Eagles fan, but Andy Reid used to be the coach of
Tease and I like Magic Mahomes.
So, I'm going to go with Andy Reid.
Andy Reid is a great guy.
He's a great guy.
I love to be a Tease and I like Magic Mahomes.
So, if any team is going to beat us, I want him to be the Tease.
So, there you go.
Yeah, it's hard to not like Mahomes.
That guy.
Yeah, Andy Reid is a great coach, man.
He's definitely, the players play hard for him.
He's a good guy.
Yeah, they do.
So, hopefully we're going to rematch next year.
That would be awesome.
That would be great.
I love the two quarterbacks.
Oh yeah, it was a great game.
It was interesting the whole, the entire time.
So, it was definitely one of the highest, higher ranger team goals in my opinion.
It was a brilliant game.
Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
Except at the end of the first half.
When was the first half?
Oh yeah.
Yeah, it was a little shaky, but you guys, you can never, like Mahomes and Andy Reid,
you can never count on them.
These guys are always in every game.
Yeah.
But, all right, well, thanks guys.
You all take it easy.
You were very well-cooked in rematch.
Jalen Hurts is a good player.
I'm hoping so.
Well, I love what Mahomes said about him.
He was like, you know, if there's any question at all, there you go.
They're the guys.
I know they both are, Jalen Hurts and Patrick Mahomes are very stand-up guys.
They represent like what I think an athlete should be all about.
Absolutely.
You know, just really, I mean, genuine, genuine guys and good leaders, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
So, you need them.
They both do great things in the community.
Absolutely.
They both seem so genuine.
They are.
They both are.
So, I mean, it's hard to like either one of them.
Yeah.
Exactly.
And just like Hurts is only going to get better.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, Mahomes gets better every year too.
I know.
Sometimes that runs out of way to do it.
You know?
They guys are just insane.
I see him being in the running for MVP every year he's playing for the ball.
I would agree.
But thanks a lot to you guys.
The city was great.
We love it.
Come on back here.
Oh, we will.
Every time we come back, we visit here.
But, we're going to be here.
I'll stop by.
I'm definitely going to start listening to the podcast.
All right.
Thanks.
You guys take care.
Have a good one.
Very nice talking to you.
What's your name?
Kevin Whitaker.
Kevin Whitaker from St. Louis.
All right.
Excellent.
Great talking to you.
All right.
Bye, guys.
I love this table.
I do too.
This table is the shit, isn't it?
It is.
We should put a reserve hold on this table all the time.
Now, the question, you know what?
Let's do the Deer Douchebags a little bit later.
I ran through it two times and we never got to it.
Now, we're being like a radio show.
The universe is telling us to wait on this one.
We're just going to scrap that.
Okay.
We'll get to it probably at this point in the next podcast or the one after.
Just remind me I have one.
Okay.
Because I tried to do a Deer Douchebags once every about three episodes because most of
these episodes are divided into three while we're here at the River Market.
I have a Rick update.
Okay.
Rick has a different distributor now for his expresso's that are being sold out everywhere.
Oh, yeah.
He's hoping by the end of May to have everything straightened out.
He did not expect to have such great sales on his expresso's, but it's just been insane.
Just flying off the shelves.
Yeah.
He knew it was going to do well because his expresso's are that good.
I wonder if we had something to do with that.
Of course we did.
Well, I mean, we do have like a three-night stay at the Omni whenever we wanted.
All we got to do is call down there and tell him Rick's information and all that because
he already has it down there because he has the points or whatever it is or he just paid
it or whatever.
And he'll reimburse us for the flight if we choose to fly or gas if we choose to drive.
But we need to get down there here soon and we're going to.
It's just kind of hard to leave Kansas City right now.
The draft and everything that's been going on here and the River Market being so lively
full of people.
We just can't get away, but Rick understands.
But he just wanted me to spread the word that by the end of May he expects to have full
force.
If you want to buy a hundred expresso's like that one guy did.
Oh yeah.
You can buy them.
Nice.
And I don't know, you know, I mean, do they go bad?
How could you buy a hundred of them?
I wouldn't think they'd go bad at all.
Well, I think he owned like a couple of manufacturing facilities and he likes it because not only
does everyone love the coffee, but speeds them up a little bit.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
So anyhow.
Okay.
You got a.
All sorts of interesting facts about sleep.
All right.
Sounds good.
The floor is yours, Topher.
Alrighty.
Did you know that you cannot sneeze while you're asleep?
No, that makes sense why I never remember sneezing while I was sleeping.
Apparently that part of your nervous system shuts off.
Okay.
Second fact, people who born blind dream and smells, touch and sound.
If they were born sighted and then lose their sight, they still dream in pictures.
Wow.
So someone that lost their sight while they were a member in being alive, probably cherished
their sleep because they get to see.
Wow.
Now creatures like dogs who are very smell oriented and sound oriented, they pretty much
dream in sounds and smells.
Well, you could tell.
You ever watch your dog sleeping?
Uh huh.
Yeah.
You can see their nose all of a sudden going and then all of a sudden their feet moving
like they smelled a rabbit or something and then they're going after it.
You know, yeah, you can tell.
So my mom asked her vet once, you know, do you think my dog dreams about me?
And the vet said, oh, I'm sure he does.
But in his dream, you're a smell.
You know, he doesn't dream of how you look.
You know, it's a smell.
Because that's what's important about it.
So every time a dog dreams, he smells fart.
I'm talking about my dog.
Oh yeah.
All right.
Number three, the feeling of falling when you're falling asleep, you get that sudden
feeling of falling and then you twitch.
I'm interested in this one because I'll tell you what.
That's called a hypnic jerk and there is no known cause.
I got a theory on that.
All the people who tell you, oh, it's because of this.
No, there's no evidence to point one way or the other.
I related it to when I had sleep apnea and you stopped breathing.
Yeah.
That's my theory on it because I used to have them all the time and then they stopped after
I had the surgery.
The theory that I've heard, someone put forward, said if there was a camera that would take
a picture of you at that particular moment, you'd never go to sleep again.
If it caught on film, what's really happening, what's making you jerk and twitch and jump?
That's kind of concerning.
It's kind of creepy, isn't it?
Yeah.
What is it that's happening that we're trying to twitch and jump away from?
A neighbor snuck in your house, is fondling you?
I don't know.
What the fuck?
Is that a ghost?
Yeah, a ghost.
Wow.
Okay, number four.
The world record for the longest time without sleep was 11 days.
11 days?
11 days.
Oh my God.
That's crazy.
The guy could no longer concentrate.
He was hallucinating.
He was having psychotic breaks.
He was lucky because generally after about 10 days, you die.
Wow.
Lack of sleep kills.
Lack of dreaming kills.
But he made 11 days.
Wow.
Yeah.
Not recommended to try to break any of those records.
How you doing?
Pretty good.
What are you guys talking about today?
Right now, he's talking about facts about sleep.
Interesting facts about sleep.
One of the anecdotes I like to tell people when they ask about sleep is we've spent millions
of dollars trying to figure out why we have to go to sleep and the best we can come up
with is because we're sleepy.
Yeah, pretty much.
That's pretty much what he just confirmed.
Yeah.
Spent $15 million researching sleep and the best we can come up with, eh, we get tired.
Meanwhile, people are starving.
Great call.
Let's figure out why we go to sleep.
Yeah, we could solve something resembling hunger or we could spend money examining where
we need to put money in cities and fixing zoning laws and, you know, any multi-problems
facing first world countries.
But no, we need to understand why we go to sleep.
But the better question is why they want the answer to that, right, that they, if they
can figure out why we have to go to sleep, maybe they can capitalize on that too.
They can monetize it.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah, you hit it right on the nose.
That's the only reason they do studies like that is because of that.
Yeah.
How to monetize it.
Yep.
They can make more money than they spend.
Yep.
All right, man.
Thank you.
What's your name?
Justin.
Justin, we're two douchebags in a microphone.
Thanks for coming by and saying something.
I'm a third.
You're going to be the third douchebag.
Yeah, you're going to be the third douchebag.
Anytime you want to stop and talk, you're welcome to.
We're usually down here once a week.
Yeah.
Okay.
Then we're usually only here on Sundays.
Okay.
Okay, I think I got one more Sunday before I have to start working Sunday.
So next Sunday we should be here.
Then after that, it's whenever I can get a Sunday off.
Okay.
And then after that, it's Mondays.
Yeah.
Or if they go back my whole schedule, it's Mondays or Tuesdays we're here.
But let's see.
Saturdays and Sundays you get more people.
Yeah.
It's a lot of fun.
We try to be here on Sundays.
So next Sunday we'll definitely be here.
Then after that, I can probably let you know.
I can look ahead in my schedule and let you know when we're going to be here.
All right.
I'll check out the website and I'll shoot you guys an email or something.
Yeah, please do.
The website's real basic.
We need to get someone in there that knows what the hell they're doing is what it is.
But anyhow, it has like the last five episodes on there.
All right.
Okay.
Was it a pleasure?
Yeah, absolutely.
It was.
Have fun.
All right.
Take care.
Thanks.
All right.
Take care, man.
You too.
The feedback is just insane.
I think it's part of the reason our downloads are going up.
It is.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah.
Rather than pressing the flesh and meeting the people.
What I love is we're just doing this so grassroots.
Yeah.
Just coming out here among the people and having people let their say.
And the numbers are skyrocketing.
People respond.
It's awesome.
Yeah, they do.
And also it's a good program.
I think it is.
It really is.
And it's getting better is what it is.
It's getting better.
It is.
It's getting much worse.
But still I think we're doing better job.
Yeah, we are.
I think we're learning ourselves and each other much better.
And also learning how to entertain better.
Anyhow, sleep.
All right.
Number five.
Dolphins and ducks can sleep with one half of their brain at a time.
Wow.
So what does the other half do?
They're conscious?
Uh-huh.
So dolphins, if they just went somewhere and went to sleep, you know, they still have to
come up and breathe.
They still have to watch out for predators.
It's not like they can go find somewhere and stick their blowhole out of the water and
go to sleep and just breathe.
Yeah.
So they sleep half of their brain.
That's a good point.
And then when it's rested up, they sleep the other half of their brain and then they're
fully rested.
See, why can't we do that?
Wouldn't that be awesome if we could do that?
That would be great.
We could be getting shit done while we're sleeping and be like, hang on a minute.
I've got to put my half of my brain to bed.
I'll be right back.
I'll be at half capacity for a bit.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll be in the meeting after I put one half of me to bed.
Hang on.
Now, ducks do it because when they gather in those big clusters in the middle of the
lake, the ducks on the perimeter, the eye that's facing out, the side of the brain that
that eye uses stays awake.
The eye facing inward, that half of the brain goes to sleep.
Oh, wow.
Because they only use the one eye looking outward for predators.
Yeah, that's true.
So they only need half the brain for that eye.
The other eye uses the other half of the brain.
They put that half to sleep.
That makes sense.
And then after a while, they turn and face the other direction and rest the other half.
Very cool.
God lets ducks do it.
Why won't he let us do it?
He doesn't like us as well as ducks.
See, I think I already touched on this.
Lack of sleep kills faster than lack of food.
Yeah, I believe that.
Yeah, lack of food, you can go weeks and weeks and weeks.
Hadn't there been cases where people literally could not fall asleep for nothing?
Yeah.
Did they die from it?
You can, yeah, definitely.
There have been people who've died from lack of sleep and lack of dreaming.
Okay.
Wow.
They've at least gone insane.
Oh, yeah, that would do it.
Okay, number seven.
If you fall asleep in less than five minutes, it means you're sleep deprived.
Because normally it should take you 10 to 15 minutes to relax and ease into sleep.
Wow.
But if you're hit in the bed and zonk your ride out, it means you're sleep deprived and you've waited too long.
That's real.
I like that.
That's a good indicator.
That's a great indicator.
If I just crash right out, that means I should have gone to bed hours ago.
Yeah.
Boy, that's a great...
Yeah, I mean, you could learn a lot from yourself just by that.
Yeah, really.
Wow.
Okay.
So I like that one.
I do too.
Okay, this one is fun.
Remember how people used to say, oh, you only dream in black and white.
Nobody dreams in color.
You ever hear of that?
I never thought that was correct.
Okay, for my generation, that was a big thing.
You know, I'm, what, 10 years older than you?
No, no, I remember that.
I've heard that several times, but I don't think that's true.
But go ahead.
Well, it turns out the reason behind it is exposure to black and white TV and movies.
Because before there were films, people dreamed in color.
Then when movies became a big thing, they were all in black and white.
And people started dreaming in black and white.
Because their fantasy material came from the black and white movie, they dreamed in black and white.
And then when kids grew up with TV, TV until the late 60s, it was pretty common to have black and white TVs.
And a lot of programs were put out in black and white.
Because they didn't want to spend the extra money on color when only a third of the country had color TVs.
So all these kids grew up dreaming in black and white because all the TV was in black and white.
So right now only 12% of the world still dreams in black and white.
And those are all older people.
Okay.
But as people get exposed to more color programs.
I grew up with primarily color, so that would make sense.
Yeah, it never really made sense to me because I grew up seeing a lot of color programs.
You know, the Wonderful World of Disney we watched every Sunday evening.
I remember that.
So I would dream in color and my classmates are like, oh yeah, everyone dreams in black and white.
And I was like, no, in my dream last night there was something that was very yellow.
I forgot the World of Disney.
Wow, yeah.
Remember that Tinkerbell would come out and she'd do a little wand.
And then there would be some happy little program about dogs or lion cubs or something.
It was like every Sunday night, wasn't it?
Yeah, every Sunday evening.
And then I remember the other staples were Gunsmoke.
Yeah.
And Lawrence Welk in my house, my dad loved Lawrence Welk.
My dad was a seriously trained.
I blame Lawrence Welk for me having such a fucking perverse personality.
Yeah, really.
Yeah, being exposed to that.
My dad was such a seriously trained musician.
He couldn't stand Lawrence Welk or Liberace.
The sound of music, he thought all the music was really poorly written.
Wow.
He was just like, oh, that's just schlock for the masses.
He was so into that that he couldn't enjoy it.
He was very elitist.
Yeah, very elitist about music.
Yeah.
I mean, all rock and roll, to him it just sounded great, which for him music did have colors.
I know a guy that breaks down rock music like that.
It's very annoying because he thinks he knows music so well.
He's like, that chord doesn't belong here.
I'm like, what do you mean? It sounds great.
Oh, no, that's not how you write music.
Well, let's see your credits to how many fucking albums you sold.
Yeah.
And 12 Bar Blues, the basic for a lot of rock and roll,
breaks one of the fundamental rules of music theory,
which is you don't go from the five chord back to the four chord.
And in 12 Bar Blues, you do it all the time.
You do it all the time, yeah.
But in serious music, that's like saying ain't got no none.
Yeah, but you know, here's the deal.
The catchiness is what they're looking for, and it's catchy.
Yeah, and I think that's what pissed my dad off about rock and roll is
it was good music without the rules.
Oh, yeah.
And he's like, no, no, no, you got to have the rules.
You got to study. You got to do it right.
But later in life, he embraced more eclectic styles.
He was big into ragtime and early blues.
Ragtime was cool, yeah.
Yeah, like 20s and 30s, Jelly Roll Morton, Scott Joplin.
Yeah, so he loosened up.
Well, that's good that he did.
That's really good that he did.
Because to me, some of that fun music is the best music.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, you examine the Beatles and tell me how many fucking brilliant compositions they wrote.
Or you can listen to Gustav Mahler and his Ode Der Kinder Toten Lieder,
which is Songs on the Death of Children.
That's exactly what it means.
And it's operatic, and it really is Songs on the Death of Children.
Fun times.
Look at some of the funnest music around, at least for me.
God.
Is it like Black Sabbath or Deep Purple?
Yeah.
Well, at least Deep Purple is written more like a composition
where there's different parts that come in at different times,
and it all leads up to the big buildup,
then the question, should I have, what happened, am I doing this?
And then back to the, oh, hell yeah, I am.
And then compare it to like Louis Louis,
which is like the same thing over and over and over and over.
It's still catchy, but...
It's still great.
There's all sorts of ways you can make great music.
Well, Black Sabbath is all written on the blues bars pretty much.
It's just what's different about it is the singer
and the distortion, really the sound, the tone.
I mean, a lot of their stuff, you know, it's good,
but it's stuff that you could hear anywhere
that are just arranged a little different,
and the distortion and the voice.
So, well, some of it is, I mean,
Gieser Butler's got some fantastic bass lines, I'll do that.
Yeah, he's an underrated bass player.
He's a very underrated bass player.
And I used to diss on Bill Ward a lot,
but I've listened to him more seriously, and he definitely had chops.
He was a jazz drummer, wasn't he?
Yeah, he did.
A lot of the drummers from the 60s grew up taking jazz drumming his kids.
That's true, because that's the only thing they were exposed to.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's where, oh, don't hit that kick drum at all.
It's like maybe once per song you touch the kick drum,
but everything's on the cymbals and the snare.
Rockers, they want to slam.
I can feel it like this.
Good point.
Sorry.
No, no, no, no, that's good.
I'm just trying to keep my point in my head.
I'm laughing.
Vinny Apathy was my favorite out of Black Sabbath.
But Bill Ward I appreciate a lot
because of a lot of stuff that what he didn't do,
which to me made a lot of sense.
Yeah, that was a big thing for John Bonham, too.
It was what he left out, you know, the overplaying that he didn't do.
Yeah, he just kind of like it doesn't need it, you know?
Yeah, uh-huh.
Yeah, so I appreciate that.
Yes.
Don't forget to hit the subscribe button.
Hey, where do they go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh, my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Oh, man, that smells.