Live from the story of the River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri.
From the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River.
The story is about two douchebags and microphones on the river.
From the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River.
It is Two Douchebags and Microphones on the river.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats,
Tabasco sauce and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
Oh shit, what's that over there? Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line.
Only a fraction will get this.
Two thimble dicks and a crash cart will be right back.
There's sections of North Dakota where they up the speed limit to 80.
Which I'm all for. You know what, if you do that and you die, it's on you.
There was a time not too long back, in fact it was in the 90s.
My oldest brother lived in Montana and the speed limit on the interstate was reasonable and prudent.
There was no speed limit. I love it.
So if it was raining or snowing real hard and you were driving super fast, they would pull you over.
But if it's dry, clear roads, daytime, you can do 120 if you wanted to.
Yeah, they're like, look, there's no danger so that's fine.
I mean the worst thing that could happen is you hit a moose.
Yeah, and then again that's on you because you chose it.
I got an interesting story. Did anyone see where Damar Hamlin is cleared to play?
I heard a rumor about that but I wasn't sure.
No, I found the actual article.
I hadn't heard that.
Yeah, he has been cleared to play and he's going to play this year.
Amazing.
Well good, you're good.
So I guess it was just kind of a fluke thing that stopped his heart and not a defect or anything that's going to bug him again.
Yeah, well they made the announcement at the combine in Indianapolis that he had been cleared to play.
Wow.
And he said he will be there and his team wants him.
I found that very interesting that he is willing to go play so quick after he could have easily stayed on that slab.
Yeah.
He could have actually much easier stayed on that slab than be alive right now.
What's going on?
I thought I saw that woman again.
It's not her.
Oh, it's not her? Okay.
She had much, much redder hair than probably Jennifer or Anthony.
Oh.
My wife's cousin, she just moved up from Florida.
Oh, okay.
Too cold for her. She wouldn't be out right now.
But she has much redder hair than that woman does but they seem very similar.
Okay, we've got another story here.
Paul Gilbert, guitarist.
Oh yeah.
Really good guitarist.
Very good.
You know he released a Dio album with nothing but Dio songs as a tribute.
Oh cool.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
This is unique because it has absolutely no vocals except Gilbert's lead guitar.
Crazy.
So he laid down the rhythm, had everything else, bass, drums.
Then he comes by with the rhythm guitar and he plays his version of If Dio Was a Guitar.
Wow, that's interesting.
It is. I thought it was a very iffy idea at first.
Yeah, on the face of it it could get really bad.
I listened to it and I liked it.
Good.
Yeah. It was very good.
And also I love the songs.
Number one, Man on the Silver Mountain.
Oh yeah.
Iconic rainbow song.
Very good.
Yeah.
That chord progression, that rhythm, that whole song writing on there is just simple
but so good.
Yeah, that's always been one of my favorite songs.
Oh, it's great.
Number two, Neon Nights.
Yeah.
Neon Nights, Great Black Sabbath II.
Number three, another one that I love for Rainbow, Starstruck.
Yeah.
That's good.
Starstruck's awesome.
Number four, Heaven and Hell.
And that thing is very interesting because of Dio's vocals on it and how powerful, how
they're powerful in certain areas are more powerful.
He does that with guitar.
He simulates Dio singing like he did on there which is hard to sing let alone play a guitar
to.
Yeah.
And then he'd have to convey the emotional impact of the words that Dio would be singing.
You still have to play that on the guitar.
That's what got me was he did it.
Yeah.
He really did it and I was very skeptical when I first started listening to it.
I'm like, I don't think this is going to work.
I think it's just a gimmick.
No, it's good.
I don't know if it was a gimmick or not but it was very good.
I enjoyed it.
Wow.
Number five, I love this selection, Country Girl.
Wow.
Country Girl is a very lesser known song off of Mob Rules on side two, first song.
Like deep tracks.
It's a deep track and it's really, really good.
I'll put it like this, anyone that loves Saban with Dio would know that song and go, I love
that song.
So number six, this is a solo iconic song and the cancer fund is named after it in Dio's
name, Stand Up and Shout.
Okay.
Which is a very good, really rhythmic, what would you call it, anthem?
Yeah, kind of a protest anthem.
Yeah, yeah, very good.
Number seven, The Last In Line, which is a great Dio song and think of the vocals on
that and think of someone playing guitar.
That would be cool.
This next one is an old one off of one of the first Rainbow songs and it was so good
because he was doing these compositions that actually has some Mozart and a little Beethoven
and I forgot who all else, Anyhow, Kill the King.
Oh, I don't think I know that one.
It is, what was their very famous, Rainbow Rising.
Okay.
Off of Rainbow Rising.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Number nine is a very odd song but I love it, Don't Talk to Strangers.
The chords of Vivian Campbell do on the intro of that song are amazing because he kind of
plucks and then Dio does that little harmony that's just perfect.
So, Anyhow, this is a very good rendition and I love it.
Number ten, just a great song from Heaven and Hellside to Lady Evil.
It's interesting how you pick these songs.
Well, all of them, well, obviously he is a fan because he wanted to do this to memorialize
and salute Dio but his song selection proves what a fan he is in my opinion.
I'm guessing there are probably a handful of songs that he wanted to do but couldn't
figure out a way to do them the way he wanted.
There's a handful of songs he had to do to get the commoner.
Yeah.
Number eleven, Holy Diver, You'd Have To.
Yeah.
That song still is today whenever I hear it, it gives me chills.
I'm like, fuck.
Yeah.
That song is just, it's so powerful.
Yeah, I have an I Heart Star on I Heart, I have a rainbow stage.
Oh, okay.
And is this the same one that you used to listen to us?
Yes, yes.
Alright.
Oh, I feel great now.
Yeah, good coming.
I saw it.
Go ahead.
No, I was just going to say that I saw a photograph of Paul Gilbert when he was a teenager and
he had just won the guitar contest at some local music store.
They had a guitar off, everyone shows up and plays guitar.
And I was trying to remember all the things they were saying about him but it's when nobody
knew who Paul Gilbert was.
Yeah, now everybody knows.
He just shredded his brains out.
The guy he beat for the competition was a guy who played with a guitar in each hand
and just did tapping on both guitars.
Oh, wow.
But Paul Gilbert actually played, you know, like a real guitar.
Well, Paul Gilbert is one of these guitarists that kind of missed the timeline for his type
of playing.
Yeah.
But he should have been in a bigger band.
He should have been in a big band playing because he's that good.
Yeah.
You know, he should have been like one of the guys of Whitesnake for at least a couple
albums.
Yeah.
And he's got a number 12.
Long Live Rock and Roll.
Oh, yeah.
That's a great one.
Yeah.
And that is all the tracks off that album.
But man, it was really good.
If you're a Dio fan and a guitar fan, it's a must.
I'm going to have to look into that.
You need to.
Yeah.
And you'll be pleasantly surprised, I'm sure.
He's done with a lot of taste and a lot of talent and a lot of love.
The guy was obviously a huge Dio fan.
I'm glad that there are still musicians and affiliated people who are putting out the music
that people like us want to listen to because we don't want to listen to Adele or Katy Perry
or whoever the current manufactured star is.
Yeah.
So I'm glad that music like this is being still made and released and put out in a good
quality format instead of just crappy basement tapes because that's all we got.
Well, I mean, and another thing is a lot of them like Alice Cooper are doing it to kind
of support because they still tour so much.
Yeah.
And I think it goes hand in hand now, the touring and the selling of CDs.
Yeah.
You know there, and he plays a couple of songs.
I'm talking about Cooper.
If Ozzy ever gets back up there on there, you know, he could do the same thing and has
before.
But what you do is you kind of semi-promote the new album.
Yeah.
Just go, you know, this is a new one or you just play it and people around you will give
it away.
The real fans will go, oh yeah, this is off his new album, man.
It came out in July.
And people are like, man, I kind of like that.
And then, you know, when they're on their way out, when they're grabbing that shirt,
they're like, you know what, I'll take that CD too.
And you know, that would help justify those insanely high ticket prices for these tours.
Exactly.
And then, you know, if you were going to go hear some new music, like what were the Eagles
going for $5,000 and $6,000 a ticket or something once you added in all the fees?
Wow.
I would never get fucking bent over like that.
No.
It's just, you know, it's to hear the same songs they've done over and over and over
and half of them are dead now and it's like, fine.
I had no interest.
I've got another issue with it too and I put it like this kind of.
As long as there's one starving children in America.
Yeah.
$6,000 for a ticket.
You are the fucking problem.
Yeah.
Bruce Springsteen ran into that too with their dynamic pricing.
Yeah, I know.
His ticket prices were pushing 10 grand.
And he had such a goody two shoes reputation.
He was the old working class hero guy.
Yeah.
Blue jeans.
Born in the USA.
Yeah.
And then it's like, hey douchebag, look at this shit.
Not the good kind of douchebag like us.
No.
Bad kind of douchebag.
Yeah.
And we have a new crack staff.
Oh, we do.
Yeah.
We started out with the cocaine crack staff.
They were very unreliable.
We kept stealing our shit and they didn't get anything done.
They were very unreliable.
So then we went to the plumber's crack for our crack staff.
We got tired of warm pencils.
Yeah.
And it stank all the time.
Yeah, they stuck them in their ass crack to warm them up and we'd have to use one.
So now our crack staff is made up of people who when they stand up all their bones and joints go crack.
So that's the crack in our crack staff.
And we actually fit in with them better than anybody.
Yeah, that's true.
I can fit in too.
Yeah.
We're live at the City Market and look at the guy playing banjo over there.
And I don't even know, did we even say we're live at the City Market?
I don't even think we have.
No, we kind of started on the run when those girls sat down.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
Yep.
Well, you'll hear this later.
We had a couple of chicks that were walking by on there and then we had a couple of African American gentlemen.
And both of them were very good, very entertaining talk.
And they would have made a cute couple if they ever met up.
If they ever met up, yeah.
They could go double date.
Yeah, they could.
These girls are from Utah and they were leaving.
They could go out and have dinner.
Oh yeah, because we know there are no African Americans in Utah so they might be...
Very few.
There actually are some more African Americans.
There is.
I'm joking around.
I know.
Let's see, what are the Utah jokes I've heard?
I know an African American guy that's Mormon.
Yeah.
Oh wow.
Yeah, I've been so anyhow.
There was that character on House who was black Mormon.
Let's see.
But since I've got to perpetuate the stereotype, go ahead.
Things about Utah.
I've heard that for an alcoholic, you don't want to be caught in Utah after sundown because
all the liquor stores close.
Yeah, that's true.
And there's not as many of them either.
No.
They're tightly controlled and they have the Blue Laws like we used to.
Sunday, forget it.
And after a certain time, forget it.
All that stuff.
Yeah.
And let's see.
Well, we called them the Blue Laws.
I don't know what they call it there.
Yeah.
When Brigham Young was alive, they used to say all the women in Utah marry young.
Yeah.
Brigham Young.
Let's see.
Utah drivers are universally referred to as Utahards.
Utahards.
Yeah, I've heard that.
I've heard that and actually I experienced that going and seeing my nephew Cody in Grand
Junction, Colorado, which is right next to Utah.
Oh yeah, that's very close.
Yeah, I said to you there, the Utahards were everywhere.
Very prevalent.
All over the place, driving like idiots.
Yeah.
Bass player I used to work with, Kurt Coolidge, he lived in, I think it was Salt Lake City,
somewhere in Utah for a bit.
I think he was working for Musac at the time.
Uh huh.
And um.
Like the music service, Musac?
Yeah, they're still around.
They're totally different than what they used to be.
They would have to be.
They're online now, I believe, aren't they?
Yeah.
You can also get it installed.
But he said he just didn't really enjoy his time in Utah.
The people are uptight.
It's just no fun.
And he said, yeah, the drivers are just off in Utah.
That's interesting.
Well, they said they're more near Wyoming than they were in Utah.
So I think it's, yeah.
Because they didn't seem too uptight at all.
Okay, well he was more in the city.
Okay.
But yeah, he worked for Musac.
What I remembered with Musac was they would make really lame versions of popular music.
And they'd do it with strings and horns, no vocals, and it would just be like syrup to
pour in your ear while you're shopping or at the doctor's office.
What really hurts is when you hear your music being turned into Musac.
Because then all of a sudden you realize you've got a little gray on you.
Yeah.
But apparently Musac turned into something else.
They would install professional systems in like doctor's offices or shopping centers or whatever.
There is a huge variety of music available.
It is low cost because they don't have to pay the initial rights to the plate side of royalties.
He made it killing.
I mean, Kurt's the kind of guy who could sell anything to anybody because he's just got an act for it.
But he said that he made just tons of money working for Musac and doing all these installs.
And he said, it's not your, you know, it's not Lawrence Welk music anymore.
They have some decent stuff.
No, no, no.
Last time I heard Musac in an elevator was Motley Crue.
It was Poison.
And I couldn't believe it.
I'm sitting there going, wait a minute, what is it?
Wait a minute, that's Motley Crue.
Wait a minute, what is it?
Wait a minute, that's Poison.
And then they went on to play a couple of songs that I didn't really recognize that well.
And then I think they played like something like Three Dog Night or something.
I was like, oh, okay.
But it used to be always, you know, raindrops keep falling on my head.
Yeah, stuff like that.
I'd like to teach the world to sing.
A lot of American standards that we're talking about, like California and cruise ships over there seem to be into now.
Yeah.
It might be a mood thing and a copyright thing, maybe.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Yeah.
So anyhow, did you hear about the new Southwest problem again?
Oh, gosh.
No, I don't heard it.
Okay.
Not surprised.
You know, this is a few days ago.
The Federal Aviation Administration on Tuesday morning lifted a nationwide ground stop to
Southwest airline flights after earlier issuing the order citing equipment issues.
That's fucking scary.
Yeah, it is.
Equipment issues mean everything in the air could come right now.
There's still a hold on flights into Dallas left field, but it isn't now.
When I captured this article, there was still one.
Yeah.
The FFA says there still may be other residual flight delays as a result of the pause.
And there's like hundreds, if not into the thousands of flight delays that day and night because of this.
Yeah.
Southwest Airlines requested the FFA pause air life departures, the agency told CNN in
a statement.
Wow.
Southwest reported technology issues Tuesday morning and said it would hopefully be resuming
our operation as soon as possible.
That's pretty serious if the airline is asking the FFA to ground up.
You're getting where I'm getting.
Yeah.
Because when I first read it, I was like, okay, the FFA saw a potential issue.
So that could be something horrible or it could be something small.
But Southwest is coming to them and saying, hey, stop us.
Yeah.
Southwest, that tells me Southwest knows they were about to kill somebody.
Yes, absolutely.
Yeah.
The flight tracking website, FlightAware, said more than 1,500 of the airline's flights,
okay, so it wasn't the thousands, delayed Tuesday far ahead of any U.S. carrier.
Southwest called the problem intermittent technology issues.
That's even worse.
That's so bland and meaningless.
Yeah, it means, oh, everything's okay now, take off.
Oh, shit, everything's not okay.
Hold on.
Stay in air.
Yeah.
Yeah, intermittent means it could happen any time and they don't know what's causing it.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So that's even more concerning is, okay, everything's great, take off.
I'm like, oh, shit, no, it isn't.
So then what do you do when everybody's in air and you don't know where they're at?
Yeah.
We apologize for any inconveniences this may cause, but we're hoping to get everyone
going ASAP.
The airline wrote in another social media post.
Oh, my gosh.
And another thing about the first big failure that they had, they had ours too because I
was a victim of one around New Year's two years prior where I waited in Miami for eight
hours in a line and then I ended up having to get another, get a room for two more days
because they couldn't get us out.
They kept pushing it back, pushing it back, pushing it back, and then finally they said,
well, we don't have any more flights.
And I said, why didn't you tell me this at first?
I could have been on the beach all fucking day.
They won't tell you because they don't want to leave you as a customer.
Exactly.
They'd rather make you wait three days and still get your money than tell you now and
have you go fly on a different carrier.
And the people there I could have went off on had nothing to do with it.
So it's kind of like one of those deals like, you know what?
Noted.
And that's why I'm switching airlines.
As soon as I use the rest of my vouchers up, that's it.
I'm done with it.
Anyhow, yeah, it was so bad that the government made them give everybody money back and flights
back and credit and vouchers.
They made them.
They ordered them to give back to people.
And what a rarity for the federal government to stand up to the airline industry.
Well, it had to have been horrible.
And there had to have been a million people complaining to their congressmen.
So, yep.
Go ahead.
You remember JetBlue?
I remember them.
They were barely around anymore, but yeah.
I watched a show about a JetBlue aircraft.
They flew DC-9s, I think, and they bought a bunch of old ones.
Yeah, that sounds about right because that's how they initiated it.
They had older aircrafts, but if you wanted to save a ton on a flight, there they were.
So they bought these older DC-9s.
And all planes have oxygen generators in the overhead compartment.
You know how the mask drops down and then you have to pull on the mask.
By pulling on the mask, that starts a chemical reaction within the oxygen generator.
It's not like a little can of oxygen.
It's chemicals.
And when they combine, they make oxygen, and that's debris.
And they have to be surrounded by a heat shield because they get just insanely hot.
Hot enough to ignite paper.
But they have a shelf life, so after a certain length of time, you've got to get rid of them.
So JetBlue was taking all these oxygen generators out of their planes and replacing them with new ones.
And they were told, okay, send the old ones back, but you've got to put a safety cap on them so they don't start generating oxygen during shipping.
JetBlue didn't have any of those caps.
Decided not to bother getting it.
So what they did is they would just put tape on it or cut the cord off.
And for every one of them, they put a green tag saying, expired.
These are canisters about the size of a one-liter bottle of soda.
And they sat around for a couple of months in the service area.
I can tell you what happened already.
It was a company called SabreTech that did all this.
And they said, okay, well, these belong to JetBlue.
Let's just give them back to JetBlue.
So they took them over to JetBlue and dumped them off.
JetBlue got ahold of them and said, what are these things?
And they wrote them down on the manifest not as expired oxygen generators, but oxygen canisters empty.
Oh, boy.
So when it was loaded on the airplane, the flight crew saw that they had empty oxygen canisters.
And they're like, oh, all that's in them is air because they're empty oxygen canisters.
And they had 144 of them.
Oh, man. Okay.
And what happened was when the plane took off, these oxygen canisters, generators, were sitting on top of tires, boxes of paper, all sorts of other cargo.
As the plane bumped down the runway, one of those canisters activated.
And it heated up and then it activated the rest of them.
And then it set the tires on fire and it set the boxes of shit on fire.
Oh, man. Wow.
And the temperature reached over 3,500 degrees in the cargo hold.
It burned through the floor into the airplane.
Were they off to the ground?
They were in the air. The fumes incapacitated everybody.
Everybody just passed out from the fumes and they nosed down and they crashed right into the airplane.
Wow. Fuck.
And two years prior, the FAA had told airliners, you need to put fire suppression equipment in your cargo holds, smoke detectors, fire detectors, and fire suppression equipment.
What all of the airlines did was, we'll just make them airtight.
That way if a fire breaks out, it uses up all the air, the fire goes out.
Except in this case because it was oxygen generators.
Generators, yeah.
All 144 were producing all the oxygen that the fire needed.
Wow.
It was just like putting the plane into a blast furnace.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Yeah. And that changed regulation. They said, okay, from now on you have to. Everybody has to.
Well, that was the whole idea behind it in the first place.
Yeah.
Wow.
And then you're mislabeling the cargo. If the flight crew had known what the cargo was, they might have refused to take off.
Yeah, they might have. Did everybody die or not?
Yeah, everybody died.
How many?
There was less than 100 because there wasn't many people on board.
But flight crew three, two flight attendants, and then like 90-something passengers.
Wow.
Yeah.
Oh, it was a DC-9. It wasn't that big of a plane.
Yeah. Yeah.
But that really, JetBlue never really recovered from that.
Wow.
Yeah.
Two ass bags and a box of Cheez-Its will be right back.
Hey, look. I think we found land. Oh, my God. I think we're safe.
Oh, no. It's the island of horrible jokes.
Why? Can't it move? It carps his arm. Because then it would be a foot.
Thank you, Cindy, Christopher's wife.
She made us a nice lunch. We're going to eat while we're podcasting.
So here's the wrapper. This way y'all can be jealous that we're eating yummy food and you're not.
Yep. Yeah, yeah.
So I think I mentioned on a podcast recently that Ford has stopped production the F-150 Lightning, the all-electric pickup.
It turns out that they've just now confirmed what the problem has been.
I thought they should have production permanently because it wasn't selling.
But apparently, in early February, they had a number of completed pickups sitting in a holding lot.
And one of them caught on fire, just spontaneously started burning, set the other two next to it on fire, and all three of them just burned to the ground.
Wow.
So then they stopped making them at that point.
They said that it was a battery thing because they've resumed production already.
They said it was battery supplier SKON to address the problem.
So apparently they fixed the problem and they're back in production.
Ford says, we quickly identified the problem, that it was rare, not related to any production-wide design flaw,
and none of the vehicles already delivered are in danger, and none of them need to be returned to change or anything.
How bizarre that they caught the problem immediately before any of the vehicles left the lot.
I don't believe it.
Yeah, you're not left.
Unless those batteries were so defective that they immediately burned up before any of them get delivered to a customer.
The corporate double-speed van, that's just bullshit. Lawyers, lawyers, lawyering up.
Now the big problem with these big battery fires is that the battery is storing a ton of energy.
And energy can't just disappear. It has to go somewhere. It has to do something.
So when the battery starts to burn and these things just, they generate power and they make themselves fun.
They're already on air, so go ahead Ron.
So as these batteries start to burn, the burning releases more energy that's stored in the battery,
and that keeps the fire going and then the fire releases more energy, so it's a cycle. It's a feedback cycle.
Yeah.
Now starving the blaze of oxygen doesn't work.
Yeah.
Because the, there we go, because the fire isn't burning oxygen. It's burning the battery and its energy.
Okay.
And submerging it in carbon dioxide foam, that doesn't work either.
Pretty much all you can do when one of these car batteries starts burning like that is submerge the whole thing in water.
Wow.
Because the water will cool it, the water will ground out the electrical charge, and that puts out the fire.
But if your Tesla or your Ford electric vehicle is at the side of the road and burning, you're out of luck.
Nothing's going to put it out. It's going to burn until it's all burned up.
Here's my Velveeta pack.
Wow. And like you said, how convenient they found the problem right before.
According to Ford, none of these Defecto batteries have left for a lot yet, and they caught them all. I don't believe it.
I don't believe it at all.
Not for a second.
Nope.
And also a problem with these vehicle batteries is they store heat within them, and hours later they can reignite.
You know, you put it out, and then it reignites.
And I've seen a video of firefighters of this electric car, and they say, we put this thing out four times already.
And you wait long enough, it just fires right back up.
There's going to be so many problems and lawsuits.
Yep.
It'll be like the early days of the combustion engine.
Yeah. I mean, look at Tesla and all the problems suddenly they're having.
Yep.
So that's pretty amazing.
Yeah, it is. Wow.
Did you hear about the 20 million in gold that was stolen?
No.
In Toronto? At the airport?
No.
A container carrying gold and other high value items worth at least 20 million Canadian police was stolen Monday from Toronto's Pearson Airport.
The police said the cargo arrived in an aircraft early in the evening. The old regional police inspector, Steven DeVine-Steen, or whatever, Goldfenstein, told reporters on Thursday the container was then uploaded and transported to a holding facility in accordance with the airport standard procedures for air cargo.
Sometime after that, roughly five square foot container was removed by illegal means and reported missing to the police shortly afterwards.
That was an inside job all the way.
Oh yeah.
It just happened they had enough time to leave the grounds, then they report it. Yeah.
My prediction is there's like 10 or 12 people there at the airport in on it.
Yeah.
And I'll bet you anything the police already know who all did it and are already zooming in on them.
The container contained a high value shipment which was mostly gold.
Or should there be security cameras?
That's what I, yeah.
It was an inside job I'm sure they temporarily quit working.
Oh yeah.
How bizarre to be shipping gold around like that, you know?
Yep.
Yeah.
You wouldn't think anyone would ship gold like that.
Wouldn't you like hire somebody in an armored vehicle?
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know, maybe it was coming from overseas, I don't know.
It could be.
And I'm sure it's insured to the max so they probably don't really give a ship.
They'll get the value of it and...
Oh, look at this.
KC Water warns about wastewater overflow in the River Market area.
Oh, nice.
That's right where we are.
Uh huh.
Maybe that smell wasn't us.
No, maybe not.
Mmm.
Broken water main near East 2nd Street in Delaware on Thursday.
Wastewater ran into a ditch near the tracks and the storm line that leads into the Missouri River.
So it was washing a whole bunch of street crud and dirt and residue directly into the Missouri River.
So they had to shut that off and then shut off the water line.
No boil warning or anything needed because it was basically dumping into the river.
But apparently it's illegal to dump wastewater directly into the river before you treat it.
So that's why they had to stop it.
Yep.
It's alright.
That wasn't much.
You know in Kansas, they got a new problem there.
Yep.
People finding $5 bills in their lawn.
Huh.
Folded up $5 bill.
The problem is, is it contains methamphetanol.
Oh.
Oh damn.
Yeah.
Good.
Okay, earlier this afternoon a citizen contacted the on-duty deputy to report.
This is in rural Kansas, in western Kansas.
The name of the town is Dighton.
Dighton, Kansas.
And I guess this happened to a few people.
They went outside and on their lawn was a folded up $5 bill.
On the surface it's like score.
Great.
Yay.
Well, they had either fentanyl or meth and it was folded up.
So when people opened it up, they touch it.
Oh.
Methanol can kill you.
Well, meth can too, but fentanyl, if you touch it, it can kill you.
Yeah.
I mean, it depends on the dosage.
And other drug interactions and things like that.
But yeah, it's bad news.
And they did not specify how much the dosage was, whether it was enough to kill people or not.
But this has been happening and it happened to a few people.
And then in a town, I think about 30 miles away when I looked up on the Atlas or, you know, internet,
when I looked it up, it was about 30 miles away.
That happened there too to a couple of houses.
So evidently some psychopath was putting fentanyl in meth and folded up $5 bill
and just casually throwing it on people's lawns where a kid can grab it, a pet could grab it, whatever.
Yeah.
Plus I think some of these are people being pulled over, sort of tossing stuff out the window, you know, winds up on people's lawns.
Yeah, that's true.
Maybe not in this case because it seems, you know, happened like to a couple of people and happened another place.
Yeah.
So anyhow, yeah.
And then some of it is that too.
Because just like we used to go beers out the window when the cops weren't looking, remember?
Right, yeah.
So the cop following us around would go around the curb real quick, throw out five beers real quick,
and then when he stops, he'd go, we don't have nothing in here.
Yep.
You know, you guys didn't throw anything out when you're around the curb, do you?
Oh, hell no.
Oh, well, no sir, not at all.
I got time, we got a cop in Warrensburg.
Jeff Huey was driving, were you with us?
And someone spilled wine all over his white pants.
So he got out, the cop stopped us, he got out, and he said, as he was driving and drinking, he said,
no, how come that's red wine all over your pants?
But then they had like an armed robbery, which never happened there at the time,
happened the same time that they were interrogating us kids, and they left.
They had to leave.
They didn't have enough police force.
We looked out on that.
You know, scientists studying a giant collection of plastic trash floating in the middle of the open ocean
and found some unexpected inhabitants, a dozen of marine species that usually stick close to the coast.
I've heard of this, they're starting to create their own ecology there in the garbage patch.
Yeah, they're just like, hey, this looks like a good place to have a little home.
Among the plastic debris, the researchers found all kinds of non-native species.
Sorry, I've got to quit eating.
From worms to amoebas to find that many coastal species on relatively small sample size was shocking,
said Lindsay Haram, a marine ecologist who did this research while working at the
Pisonian Environmental Research Center.
The findings published in Nature's Ecology and Evolution should help overrun the long idea that
the open ocean is a barrier that most coastal species could never breach.
Yeah, they found a way out there.
They did.
And you know, we probably can't clean up the garbage now because creatures live there.
Yeah.
It's like if you accidentally create a wetland, you can't undo it.
That's right.
Now that it's a wetland, you have to leave it there.
Yeah.
And think of this now, garbage might become protected.
Oh, wow.
Maybe so.
Yeah.
Just like the sand bars that they built on the Missouri River so the water wouldn't just run off so quick.
Yeah.
All of a sudden, a certain species of frogs started developing there.
I'm not even sure if they had them before the sand bars.
Wow.
Now they can't move them.
They've got to stay there.
Yeah, it's become a habitat.
Yep.
I guess it's good that the garbage had made of plastic because it'll last for thousands of years.
Yeah.
That's true.
It's never going to dissolve, so they've got to hope for life.
Yeah.
This region between Hawaii and California has become a giant garbage suit because currents
drag and floating debris that accumulates over time.
Yeah.
Most of the plastic trash from there that was examined by researchers shows signs of being
colonized, so most of it, by coastal species.
Yeah.
So they jump on it when it was on the beach.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, and followed it out.
Yeah, and then it just started doing what they do, hanging out, reproducing, and now
all of a sudden it's like little barriers of floating barriers of a species that should
be on land.
That's pretty cool.
It is, isn't it?
Yeah.
Okay, let's see here.
There's a fireball in northern Maine.
That always sounds good.
A rare fireball was spotted streaking across the northern Maine sky in broad daylight last
week.
Experts hoping to study the meteorite are now offering a financial reward to anyone who
can recover a piece of it.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, that's pretty cool, isn't it?
They're like, yeah, man, you find this thing and bring it to us and get some money.
It's probably not worth anything to anyone else except them.
Yeah.
It's not the kind of thing you can fake.
No.
They could tell.
Hey.
What's up, dude?
How are you doing, man?
I'm good, man.
Good to see you.
I'm good.
Good seeing you.
I'm happy to see my wife and my family and my mom.
Oh, hey.
Hey, nice to meet you guys.
Good to see you, Mark.
Yeah, good seeing you.
Will you be there tomorrow?
No.
Someone said no.
No?
All right.
Okay.
NASA says that this was the first radar-observed meteorite fall over a meteorite fall ever seen
in Maine.
So Maine has never seen a meteorite before?
Doesn't seem like there's any reason they would avoid Maine.
Yeah.
Maybe it's just because it's small?
I guess. Probably just, I'm sure it's fell before, just no one's ever noticed.
That's especially unusual because most fireballs are spotted during the night.
When there are light contrasts against the dark sky as the Maine Mineral and Gym Museum noticed in a Wednesday Facebook post,
this fireball being, I always think of football, this fireball being seen during the day is incredibly rare.
Imagine how bright it would have been at night if it hadn't been.
So they saw it during the day.
Wow, they just...
Imagine how bright that had to have been.
People probably thought that Russia shot off their missiles.
I mean, wouldn't they?
That'd be the first thing I'd thought. Something like that. I'd be like, you can see that during the day? Oh, shit.
Wow. Using radar, NASA was able to detect the meteorites that had fallen and calculate where they may have landed.
Noted that strong winds up to 100 miles per hour carried smaller ones across the border into Canada.
The mile-wide strewn field stretches from just north of Waite, Maine to Canoes, New Brunswick.
So all the way up to New Brunswick.
And the Mineral Museum is encouraging people to go explore it.
Neat. Yeah. Isn't that cool?
I was starting to remember the meteorite that fell in...I think it was Siberia?
Uh-huh.
In 1903. I think it's called Tunguska Forest.
Witnesses say this giant fireball came streaking overhead and then there was the most insane, ear-shattering, ground-shaking explosion.
And when they went to look at the impact site, trees were leveled for like a mile out from those impact craters.
Just enormous and crazy.
They realized later through lots of research that it was a meteorite that exploded just above the ground from internal pressures, the needs, etc.
But the thing is it mimicked a nuclear detonation so closely that if it had happened in 1953 instead of 1903, it probably would have started World War III.
Wow.
There was no way they could have gotten the information to Russia in time that this wasn't the U.S. exploding a nuke over their territory because it looked just like that.
Wow.
Fifty years later, we probably would be a burned-up cinder of a planet right now.
Wow.
Isn't that nuts?
That is nuts.
And then I was reading a book where it was like an old attorney general.
He's since passed away since he set the book out.
He set the book out.
It was like 90-something.
The closest we ever came to nuclear war, government-wise, was during the Nixon administration.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
And what happened was this, they all of a sudden, they have the guy monitoring, you know, and their computer back then said that Russia sent off all their missiles.
Wow.
So he closed it out or whatever, then brought it back to make sure, you know, it wasn't a mistake.
It still showed that it was all these missiles are coming at us.
So he's like, oh, fuck, woke up the president.
Mr. President, it appears that Russia has sent all their nuclear weapons at us.
What?
Yeah, it looks like, OK, here's what you have to do.
And Nixon told him, like, you know, maybe you need to do one more check, but use your own judgment.
He did one more check.
And he noticed some inconsistencies.
Oh.
He called the president back and said, there's some inconsistencies. The president said, wait, don't do shit.
Then he said he had, I don't know, some other people go in there and check with him, and they found out there was just a complete computer glitch that said that they launched him.
And we were literally 30 seconds away from hitting that button.
Yeah.
And nobody knew about it.
Yeah.
And so tight-lipped, nobody knew about it until he wrote the book.
And now nobody still knows about it because nobody reads books.
Yeah. And a lot of people wouldn't care. They're like, oh, well, it didn't happen.
Yeah, who cares?
Yeah.
Hey, isn't battenmitten on ESPN4?
Yeah, it is.
Turn it there.
Oh.
Well, I have discovered recently that according to at least one person, it is a bad thing to intentionally lose weight.
There is a woman who I guess you would call her a fat advocate.
Really?
And in her opinion, which she has stated on a video in public media, that intentionally losing weight is fatphobic.
That means you're a bad person.
Oh my God.
Mm-hmm.
It offends her as a bad person that people would intentionally lose weight to not look like her.
So that means you're a hater if you intentionally lose weight, apparently.
This goes to show you if you can think of anything long enough, you can come up with any conclusion.
What I started thinking of immediately was, okay, if you intentionally gain weight, then—
Are you a skinny hater?
You're a hater for thin people or anorexics.
Oh, that's right.
So you can't do that either.
You know what? You've got to stay the same your whole life.
You've got to weigh one weight and you've got to stay that your entire life.
Okay.
She's probably kind of the same kind of person that said if you changed your—I mean, if you decided to learn a new language, it means you're a hater.
If you're old language, no.
People get to do different things.
Wow.
Oh, you're no longer driving a Ford? You hate Ford.
No, you're not. Yeah, that's what I mean.
People overthink shit so much or they try to come up with stuff to pound on somebody purposely.
You know what I mean?
I kind of think in this case, this woman wants to change reality to where—
You know where you are? To where she's not the oddball.
Right. She wants the world to change its opinion to where being fat is idolized and encouraged and enjoyed.
And everybody wants to be that.
Yeah.
Which is total fantasy because people get to be what they want to be.
Some people want to be big, some want to be small, some want to go back and forth, some want to be stick skin and bones.
It's not up to anybody to say, oh, the whole world should like this because that's how I am.
Yeah, exactly.
Bullshit.
That's like saying, I like oatmeal cookies but not chocolate chip cookies.
No, I want you to like oatmeal cookies too.
I just don't like them. I don't like the taste.
No, no, no. You need to like them.
If you don't, then you're discriminating against oatmeal cookies so next time you grab a box of cookies there better be some fucking oatmeal in there.
No.
I mean, to me that's about the same thing.
Yeah. But the just kind of patheticness.
It is.
Of not being able to feel good about who you are and what you are and how you look.
That you have to go out of your ways to criticize strangers who don't even know you, who've never heard of you.
For doing something probably positive with their life?
Yeah. Pretty much everybody agrees that you're healthier at a certain weight or in a range of weight.
But she doesn't want that to be reality. She wants the reality to be that everyone's a hater who's not like her.
Yeah. I mean there's a reason there's like these air links based on a 2000 calorie diet.
And so much of this, so much of that, less of this, less of that is what's accepted and used as guidelines.
Yep.
And that's because these people did the research. They know what they're talking about.
They're telling you what is bad for you and what you should not do.
So if you have like 30% body fat, not good.
Yep.
The way it is.
You kind of notice you don't see a lot of 80 and 90 year old people who are enormously obese.
Not very much.
They don't make it that age.
No.
Jimmy Carter is almost 100 years old. He's skinny as a rail.
Skinny as a rail, yep. Carol Burnett is 90. Skinny as a rail.
Betty White almost reached 100.
Skinny.
Yep.
Yep. It's true. So, anyway.
And you aren't fat. It's not like I've got anything to brag about.
No, me neither. I mean, it's the way it is.
And you know what? If I could, well, I could change it. I guess I, you know, I would love to change it.
How's that? I have changed it before.
And I'm down a little from where I was, you know, so I'm working on it again.
So it's a never ending struggle for me, but I never wish to be overweight.
Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't think anybody really wishes it.
Except this person.
Yeah.
But I still, I still contend if you were to really get into her real feelings, she is lying to herself or people or both.
Yeah. If someone offered her a pill that made her thin over weight, she'd take it.
Yeah. Yeah. It would like guarantee to thin you down.
Yeah.
Yeah, she'd be like, eh, you know, I'm just doing it for health.
Yeah.
Whatever.
But you know, she wouldn't be doing it for health. She'd be doing it because she thinks she looks better.
You know, people will do what they think makes them look better over what's healthy.
Yeah, that's true.
Billy Crystal had a character based on that. It's better to look good than to feel good.
This is for so many people. That's their daily mantra. I don't care how I feel. I just want to look good.
Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's true. And I like that mantra too. It's like, you know, I got nothing to live up. Yeah.
When you're talking about the food pyramid, we grew up with that food pyramid that was introduced in the 50s.
That has been discredited, I don't know how many times, and people still use it because it was part of their childhood.
But it turns out that whole food pyramid thing.
Oh, it was bullshit.
It was. It was made in cooperation with the food producers and growers. And they said, here's what we want to sell.
Here's what we can produce and sell. So that's what you should be telling people they need to eat.
Yeah. And now they're like, nah, not that much starch. I mean, they had a whole section, nothing but starch.
And now it's like, no, those are empty calories. They just jump on you. They never get off.
But they were cheap to produce and easy to transport. So the food grower industry said, make those a big part of the daily intake so we can make our money.
And the FDA said, OK. And then they taught it to us in grade school. They taught us how to eat poorly in grade school.
The government taught us how to eat like, eat shit.
The growers told them.
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He being said he knows he's out of his expresso's in Jackson and Memphis.
They're coming. Nashville he's down to his last few. He can't produce it quick enough. He's sorry.
He said that he's going to get him probably his whole plan is to have it well stocked in early summer to where he's never going to run out again.
No, that's a good idea.
And I think the next podcast we do will probably be from the Filthy Builders.
Yeah, we should definitely go back there.
Yeah, yeah. Well, you already sent the invite out, but we already had the day planned.
Yeah, the draft is coming next week and we're going to be there.
And then after that, we're going to dedicate some time to him. Yeah.
Already talked about it. He's already going to book it as soon as we say yes.
We told him if he could get the draft there in Nashville, you know, we'd be there.
Well, he's already said he's got enough credit for the Omni to keep us there for three weeks if we want.
Nice. So there. OK, I have some random weird odd animal facts.
I love animal facts. So do I.
All right. You like animal facts, Rob? Oh, yeah.
OK, who doesn't? Let's hear a rah rah. Rah rah. Rah.
You need one more, Rob. Rah. There we go. OK, all right.
Did you know that penguins can jump as high as six feet in the air?
Oh, damn. You imagine trying to pet a penguin and it jumps up to your face? Yikes.
Like, ah. Why would they need to jump?
I don't know. Maybe from iceberg to iceberg. That could be. Yeah.
You know, I mean, they just dried off and want to get their feet wet. I don't know.
They can't fly. Oh, yeah. So they got to have some other gimmick. Yeah, that's true.
Yeah. So like, all right, you have wings, but you can't fly.
So, well, you can jump six foot in there. There you go. OK.
All right. That's your compensation for not being able to fly.
Yeah. I guess I'll take it. All right.
Did you know that all polar bears are left handed? Oh, crazy.
No, I didn't know that. Well, now you do. Huh.
Yeah, I've seen one right one time. It was left handed. Oh, OK. Yeah.
You know, that there was that. He drew a middle finger at the zoo.
And there was that famous baseball pitcher that was a polar bear and he was a lefty.
Yeah, he was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
What's his name? Klondike? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now pitching in relief Klondike.
Oh, Klondike has just eaten the first basement.
Oh, shit. He's not stopping there, folks. First day, first second row. Get out. Leave right now.
General admission is now being attacked by a polar bear.
Hurry. He's grabbing people's Pepsi's.
Well, no, he's a polar bear. He has to drink Coke. Oh, that's right. Yeah.
It's the Coca-Cola. Oh, he's grabbing the Pepsi's in protest and throwing it. Oh, gotcha. Yeah.
All right. Did you know that an eagle can kill a young deer and fly carrying it? Oh, damn.
Actually, I did know that because I saw that on a nature show one time. Crazy. Oh, yeah.
It was brutal. The mom was right there and he just comes out, fucking grabs it.
What do I do? Little juniors off in the clouds.
And the problem with an eagle is it doesn't kill you to eat you. It just starts eating you. Yeah.
Until it hits something really vital and you bleed out, you're there getting eaten. Yeah.
Did you know that it was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up? Oh, wow.
The frog vomits its entire stomach out so the organ is dangling out of its mouth.
Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all the stomach's contents and swallows the stomach back down again.
Oh, nasty. It's a survival technique, I guess.
Oh, I wouldn't want to see my date doing that.
Hey, I'm a frog. What do you expect? Read up, you asshole. I'm sorry.
Oh, my gosh. Did you know that the leg bones of a bat are so thin they can't walk?
Oh, wow. You know, I've never seen a bat walking. Many are? Yeah. Interesting.
They like to hang upside down. So if you ever hear someone go walk like a bat, you just fall on the floor?
Yes.
I did know this. Did you know that the katydid bug hears through holes in its hind legs?
Yes. You can see them, too. Yeah, you can see them. Yeah, they're weird.
Yep. And then crickets make that violin noise with their hind legs, which is their mating call.
Did you know that starfish have no blood supply? No, I didn't know that.
They use seawater for their circulatory system. Wow, that's interesting.
So there's like a constant supply all around them. It's as if we were swimming in blood constantly.
So we never had to have our own blood supply. It just came and went. Wow.
Isn't that weird? I mean, actually, if you think of oxygen, we need oxygen for our blood, right?
Yeah, it's kind of almost like that. We're kind of like swimming in oxygen.
Yeah. Well, I mean, every bit of nature has its own aspect to that, so I can totally believe that.
Yeah. So, did you know that slugs have four noses?
Oh, why would they need four noses? I don't know. I could not make any hints or tells on why they'd have four noses.
Because they don't breathe through them. They just smell things. Yeah.
Funny. And why would they need to smell things? I mean, they're slugs.
I don't know. Maybe to find other slugs to meet with. Maybe.
Or they're like going through and go, oh, shit, antifreeze. Other way.
Back left. Hard left. Why? There's antifreeze. I smell salt. Yeah. I smell salt. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Oh, no. Joey's been dissolved.
Yeah. You never buy your pet slug. You salt watered taffy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I learned the hard way.
My poor little pet slug shriveled up. They love that taffy, but man, they didn't last long.
OK. Did you know why ostriches stick their heads in the sand? No. They look for water. Oh, OK.
What a way, though, man. It's like, oh, hey, everybody, it's over here.
There's a lot of it over here, guys. So, yeah, I wonder if the, you know, emus do that, too, right?
I think so. Yeah. So does Lemu emu do that and Doug get after him? Must be. Yeah.
They had a commercial where he did put his head in the ground. Oh, that's right. That's right. OK. Yep. OK.
All right. Well, they did address that. I'm very happy for Liberty Mutual that they addressed that. That's good.
They did their homework. Did you know that woodpeckers will wrap their tongue around their brain to cushion it while they're pecking on a hard tree?
That makes a lot of sense. I love that. I'd love to get a nature. I'll find a nature photo of that.
Yeah, I've seen the cutaway diagram. There's an opening around the bird's skull and brain, and it slides its tongue up in there as an extra cushion.
That makes sense. When it's hammering on a tree, the brain doesn't slot around.
I was imagining a different, OK, that you wouldn't be able to see that somewhere. Yeah. This is done internally.
Oh, nice. Yeah. You know, back to emus, you know the llama spit at you if they get mad? Yeah. Yeah.
We and Davey found out the hard way. These gravel roads that we used to drive around and drink a couple of beers on or just listen to tunes.
You've probably been down there, Robbie, the gravel roads around Cleveland, Missouri. Oh, yeah. Yep. Yep.
Well, there's this llama farm that used to be just to the north of Cleveland out near just past State Line.
And for those of you people that know, it'd be Mission Road out there. Oh, OK. OK.
So we're out on Mission Road and we see this llama farm and me and Davey stop.
We're like, oh, cool llamas. So we're like, hey, let's make noises at them and see what they do.
Tease the llamas. Oh, yeah. So we're sitting there teasing the llamas. And they're all, they're a little ways away.
They're like a half a pasture away. And they're all just sitting there eating and looking at us.
You know, kind of like cows do. Some of them are eating, some of them are looking at us, some of them are looking the other way.
Some of them looking at us and we're going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And Davey breaks out with this like fucking 10 minute noise of some weird shit.
And somewhere in the middle of that 10 minutes, the llamas all got on red alert and charged us and spit at us.
Oh, I'm dairy free. I'm sorry. I can't. What are those little donuts? Thank you. Appreciate it.
Hey, you got anything you want to talk about? That's my longest time, man. I'm good. Thank you.
OK. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, we around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Anytime you want. Sounds good. Thank you. You know, I've seen quite a few people run into our banner.
Yeah, because they're not looking. They're just walking along, not looking. And I see the fluttering from the banner pretty much invariably.
When they run into it, they turn and look with this disgusted look on their face like, what the hell?
They're mad because they weren't looking where they were going.
That's funny. That is. Our poor banner is going to get knocked over. Should have pointed at them and laughed.
You got derailed by a couple of douches. It's on a six foot tall stand. It's about one foot by four feet. And they don't see it.
They walk right into it. That's awesome. I love that. Yep.
It's not like we're blocking the pathway. It's all over here against the wall. Yeah.
It's just funny. That is great. And a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years.
There are no reported cases of an ostrich buried its head in the sand. Yeah.
So even. OK. So ostriches this counter. I didn't read this before I downloaded all of it.
So an ostrich does not stick its head in the sand for water. No.
They used to say it would do that when it was afraid because it thought it was hiding.
Which was, you know, I mean, that was good for Saturday morning cartoons. Didn't have any truth behind it.
Now I'm kind of disgruntled because this has both a monitor. I don't know what to believe and not to believe.
Yeah. Well, Emu and an ostrich are different creatures. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. OK.
Well, anyhow, it is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.
And I can't believe that because a cow has those really low kneecap like deal.
Imagine trying to walk downstairs. They fall. They can't lock it in. Yeah. Yeah.
They would just tumble. But yeah, I've seen cows walking up ramps and up, you know, rocky, steep slopes.
But walk down. Now they would roll. They would roll. They would find another way around.
It's possible. Let's see. No, no, no. I already read that. A shrimp's heart is in its head.
Didn't know that. Bizarre. That makes sense though, because you see all you see from the shrimp on their bodies is the shit tube.
Yeah. From like the legs down, it's just tail meat. Yeah. So you couldn't really see. Yeah. They'd have to be up there somewhere.
I love how the food industry calls it a vein in the tail of a shrimp. No, it's their colon.
It's their large intestine. It's full of snake and red food. I know people that will not eat shrimp unless the shit tube's been drained out.
Yeah. You can squeeze it out of there and then you can see you don't even barely see the shit tube after you squeeze it out.
I think it's just funny the restaurants and food producers call it a vein. I know. It's like, nope, that's a shit tube. It's not a vein.
You know that a shrimp can sleep for three years. No, sleep. I didn't know shrimp needed to sleep.
You'd think at a certain point. Oh no, a snail. A snail. Well, still a snail. I mean, if a brain is that primitive, why does it need sleep?
Is that why it needs three noses? Could be. You ever smell the alarm clock?
I smell a beeping.
OK, the chicken is one of the few things that man eats before it's born after it's dead.
Wow. Think of that cycle. You grab its eggs, put it in the fridge, you kill it for dinner, and then you eat it for breakfast the next morning.
It's off spring. Yeah, so when you're having a good big old omelet, you're having chicken abortions.
Yeah. Wow. Is veal, veal is a calf that's been born, right? Yes. It's a young cow that they basically, it's horrible.
I'll never eat veal. No, I won't either. The way they mistreat the animal, just they kill it.
They want it tender, so they hang it up, they beat it regularly until it dies. They don't let it walk. Yeah, they don't let it walk. It's horrible.
I think it should be outlawed myself, but anyhow, people go, well, it's natural to eat. Well, you know what? No, it's not natural to hang a fucking animal up.
If you want to kill it to eat it because I'm a meat eater too, OK.
You want to go walk up and eat it right then and there, but don't give it a life of misery. Yeah.
And I mean, and that's why, you know, I like the cattle grazers that are ethical, and I'm for the egg producers and the chicken producers that are ethical.
Yeah. They're like wild game, you know, because the animal is having the time of its life, right, until the moment the bullet found it.
Yeah, yep. And then by that time, it's natural selection because if not, it's probably going to die in a year from a predator anyhow. It's just not going to be your gun.
Yeah. No antibiotics. Yep. Yeah, that's true. Yep.
Let's see. Did you know that some dogs can predict when a child will have an epileptic seizure? I didn't know this. Oh, I've seen those seizure dogs.
Epilective seizure or even protect the child from injury. They're not trained to do this. They simply learn to respond after observing at least one attack, which I knew because I watched a special on it.
And a dog can watch one attack and know to go over there and to protect the child. Yeah. And I will go a step further.
Most dogs that have not been trained to hurt by man protect children. Oh, yeah. They know. Yes.
I've had so many dogs that someone will walk up to the child and they jump in front of it. And I mean, it's their natural, you know, they're good animals.
So unless you raise them to kill, then that's different. Did you know that? And I did know this because I looked it up. I actually had an article on this.
Origin of words. You know that a pregnant goldfish is called a twit. Oh, that's right. I looked that up a long time ago.
Where the origin of twit came from. That's funny. Yeah. And the original one came from a pregnant goldfish.
You're familiar with the fish called a guppy. Yes. Their reproductive cycle is the male has a modified fin that acts as a delivery tube for his little fishy sperm.
And he uses that to inject the sperm into the female. She stores it, uses just enough to fertilize the eggs and they grow inside her and she squirts them out as little baby guppies.
They're not fish eggs. They come out already swimming. But she never has to breed again.
She gets enough sperm from that single initial breeding to make babies for the rest of her life. Wow. Because she stores it and only uses as much as she needs.
And after that she's like, kids, just close. Get out of here. Yep. Now the males will continue to try to breed with her, but none of them are doing any good.
Come on, man. Don't you need babies? No. Farbacys closed. Get the fuck out of here.
Did you know that rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months two rats can have over a million descendants?
That's nasty. So in the Middle Ages when the idiots thought cats were evil and they killed them all and they all got the black plague from rats? Yep.
There you go. Did you know that there are only three types of snakes on the island of Tunisia? All three are deadly poisonous.
So if you see a snake in Tasmania, don't get near it. It's going to kill you if it bites you probably.
Did you know that all snakes are meat eaters? There's not a single snake that eats vegetables or scavengers for food or that they're all hunters.
They all hunt live prey. Every single snake. Oh wow. Yeah. I got one for you. This is not the same as animal facts.
Every time you lick a stamp you're consuming one tenth of a calorie. Wow. You're probably burning it off too but it's probably a wash.
Did you know that a kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals that cause relaxation? That's pretty cool.
Women seem to like light and frequent kisses more than strenuous ones. That makes sense.
You got an amy man? You can't move that tongue anymore than half fucking move it down the road. You got an amy man? You fucking loose lips son of a bitch.
On the one hand the shorter duration more frequent that means the woman has more chance to talk. Tell you what to do next.
Nobody likes a sloppy kisser. Your whole fucking face is wet. They gotta be really hot to overcome the sloppy kiss.
Other than that it's kind of like a, I don't know man I gotta go see my psychologist. I'll see you later. What?
I remember being shocked as a ninth grader. I heard two girls on the school bus talking about a guy who they thought was really cute.
But he was such a wet and sloppy kisser they thought it was gross. It was just fascinating to my 13 year old mind.
Wow I'm learning cool girls stuff. I first learned that girls talk about men the same way men talk about girls.
This junior high level stuff. When I was on the back of the bus like you and I heard him talking about some guy having a tiny dick, some chick that they knew slept with him.
And they said man he is teeny tiny and he's really fast. So he's hot but don't get near him. Waste of time.
And they didn't know I was back there. I'm like well what the fuck. I'm sitting there listening for more than one of them saw me like one eee.
And she did some sort of a hand motion and they both shut up. My lock.
I was going to learn some valuable information. Yeah don't kid me.
Did you know that I knew this. Did you know that if you sneeze too hard you can fracture a rib. Oh I didn't know that.
If you try to suppress the sneeze you can rupture a blood vessel in your head and neck or die. Yeah weird.
If you keep your eyes open by force they can pop out. I've heard that and I've also heard that that's never been demonstrated.
I don't think it's been demonstrated either. I think it's virtually impossible to keep your eyes open while you sneeze.
I think it is too. Yeah I think you would have to literally hold them open with a mechanical device.
Yeah and maybe they will pop open. No one is going to ever dig.
I don't know if their eyelids are strong enough to hold their eyeballs in if they really wanted to go somewhere.
I don't know if all of that is completely true but it's fun to talk about. It is.
Did you know that wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
And I did read that. Oh wow. But it's earbuds not earphones. Oh okay good.
Like what we're wearing right now. This says earphones. But yeah nobody has these big ear buds.
Yeah and we do not have ear buds.
Did you know that men can read smaller print than women and women can hear better. Oh yes I do know that.
You motor bitch under your fucking breath just one time. They can hear that ten miles away.
You get the snap head and the what. I said you look beautiful why. Why did you ask. It's not what I heard.
Then why did you ask. Yeah.
I did that once to my brother. I said something. My brother and my sister were talking about this girl that we all knew.
And I made the comment that she's pretty homely. And their heads whipped around saying what. Why did you say.
I said well she's pretty gossipy. No that's not what you said. I said then why did you ask what I said.
You said that she was homely. Then why did you ask what I said. Yeah no that's bullshit. That's setup.
And I never budged from that. You asked me to repeat it which means you didn't hear me the first time.
So no you don't know what I said. And I never budged from that. That's a media trick too.
It drove them crazy. I love that. Because they only said what because they wanted me to repeat it.
But I took it as oh you didn't hear me.
Got pissed off for about a half hour. That was fun.
Now this next one I don't know if this is true or not but it could be. If you think about it.
Babies are born without knee caps. They appear between the ages of two and six.
Wow. It does appear like that but I would imagine they have something in there that grows.
Yeah there's probably like the bud of a knee cap. Yeah and they don't actually call it a knee cap.
Yeah. Yeah it's something like that. It's not like it appears.
The longest bout of hiccups lasted nearly 69 years. Oh that's a whole lifetime.
I love that. I love that. Wouldn't that suck? That would be miserable.
And then one day she just woke up and then she was gone. And then she was gone and she couldn't believe it.
I think she died like a year after that. Yeah I think so.
Keeping her heart going by hiccuping. Yeah I think so.
Finally it's like hey the heart's like looking around going she must be dead.
I don't hear anything. Turn the lights out man.
You know that there are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.
I've heard that. Oh yeah. I've also read that your intestines can stretch around the earth ten times.
Which I don't believe. No. It's not like that one.
But this could be true but I don't know if it's true or not. These are just fun.
Your pair of lungs has the same surface area inside that a tennis court does.
So that's the amount of oxygen absorbing surface area you have in your lungs.
A tennis court's worth packed into your lungs. Wow.
But when you smoke it breaks down those structures and smooths them out so their surface area shrinks.
A person with advanced emphysema their tennis court has shrunk down to the size of a handkerchief.
Wow. From smoking. Yeah.
Emphysema is no joke. That is a horrible death. I know some of them died from that. They couldn't even walk across the room.
Bill Grigsby got it. Oh is that what happened to him?
Yeah he was a heavy smoker until we learned about emphysema and then he quit but it was kind of too late.
Peter Jennings he used to smoke a lot. Well he's dead now but you know famous news anchor for ABC News many years.
English guy. So he smoked for a long time and then he stopped.
And then what he said in his book before he passed away was he developed lung cancer.
But it was advanced. There's nothing they could do by the time they found it.
But anyhow he quit and then he started again. He said over 9-11 he was so nervous and twitchy.
And then when he started again it just kind of ignited the thing that was already in his body.
I mean this is like maybe seven, eight, nine years later.
But they seem to think that when he started it back up it just kind of added to it and brought it to him quicker.
He may have developed it later. Kind of kick started the dormant cancer.
You know that there's a company that will for $14,000 take your ashes and compress them into synthetic diamond
and be sent in for jewelry for a loved one and I do know that. Oh wow. Really?
Yeah and because I mean most famously Lemmy from Motorhead when he passed away he had his ashes divided up.
Into like five different piles and put into bullets for his best friends to shoot him.
Remember Ricky Rockman shot like four shots of Lemmy into something online.
And Keith Richards famously snorted the lines of his death.
You know it's interesting that there are laws about properly disposing of human remains.
But I guess at a certain point then they no longer consider human remains. You can do whatever you want with them.
Well it's kind of argued if you're even getting ashes from them because there's so many other things in play when they do this.
You know they don't just throw you in there like your slab just won't. They put you in a box.
So there's other ashes and also if you were to be just disintegrated like that your ashes wouldn't equal hardly anything.
Yeah there'd be almost nothing there. They put a lot of filler material in.
Yeah so who knows how many ashes you really get in there anyhow.
I guess that explains why the laws are so lax and why people are allowed to go fling ashes around wherever they want.
Like Disneyland is one of the top places where people go fling ashes around.
So if you go to Disneyland you might get a face full of ant dirt.
Oh my god duck they just threw a fucking urn up there.
Yeah where people go to baseball games and lean over the railing and dump it among to the field.
I know.
You know that's a burned up human body.
I tell you doing the baseball game with a burned up human body.
Go dump fucking, go dump Aunt Helga somewhere else you fucking asshole. We don't want her here.
Did you know that and I did know this most of the dust particles in your house are dead skin.
Yeah that makes sense.
And then the rest are dust mites both of them suck.
Women blink twice as often as men. I don't know is that true?
I don't know that might have something to do with the fact that women are wearing eye makeup which could be an eye irritant.
Okay I can believe that.
Did you know that a sneeze travels out of your mouth at over a hundred miles per hour.
Yes.
Yep.
Cough is about sixty.
Yeah a sneeze is over a hundred and no wonder whenever someone sneezes everybody in the room gets it.
Yep.
Did you know that and this is an easy one everybody I'm pretty sure knows this.
It takes approximately twelve hours for food to entirely digest.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
Did you know that your heart beats over a hundred thousand times a day.
Oh wow.
Yeah if you take like seventy beats a minute times sixty minutes times twenty four hours.
Yeah I guess so.
And this one I knew too like fingerprints everyone's tongue print is different.
Oh yeah.
And did you know it's physically impossible to lick your elbow.
Unless you cut your arm off.
Yeah well yeah then you can't.
Yeah my parents used to tell me that you know if I was bored and couldn't wait for something they'd say well pass the time by putting your elbow in your ear.
You can't do that either.
I said I can put someone else's elbow in my ear but I can't put my own.
Yeah good point.
Here's one.
Now I don't know if it's true or not but it actually makes a really good.
It could be.
Makes really good thought.
There are three hundred thirty six dimples in a regulation golf ball.
Wow that's a lot.
Well think about it there's dimples inside of dimples actually on those.
Well that's yeah.
There's bigger ones and smaller ones and ones in between.
Yeah.
Those all have been wind tunnel tested and it makes your ball actually go farther.
Yeah.
It really does.
Yeah.
And fly straighter or.
That's why a lot of people insist on certain balls and also on drivers and putters and all that.
Yeah.
Because the aerodynamic of a golf ball has been you know formulated for years and years and years.
If you look at a golf ball today and one of either ten years ago the patterns are completely different because they found better ways to make them and make them sail further and longer.
Yeah.
Do you know a Costa Rican worker who makes baseballs earns about two thousand seven hundred fifty dollars annually.
The average American pro baseball players earns two million three hundred seventy seven thousand per year.
Wow.
So that's like a one thousand or yeah a thousand times more basically between the person who makes the baseball and the person who hits the baseball.
Isn't that something else.
The difference of a thousand times the earning power.
Wow.
Amazing.
Did you know that in the 18th century England gambling dens employed someone whose job was to swallow the dice if there was a police.
How do you like to be that guy.
You're like all right OK you're going to be over there on the left side over there the table.
OK you're going to be running the drinks.
Mark.
You're going to swallow the dice.
That guy's been spitting on him all night for good luck.
That's bullshit.
Look he's rubbing them on his balls for luck.
I don't want to swallow the dice you son of a bitch.
Every year fifty six million people attend Major League Baseball games.
Fifty six million.
I believe that.
I wonder if that's fifty six million different people or some of those are repeat customers.
I think they're repeat.
So a total attendance would be fifty six million.
I could not do fifty six million.
So it might be the same thirteen million over and over and over.
Yeah because a lot of people you know that have Yankee season tickets you know red socks.
On the East Coast they really you know they enjoy baseball a lot more than we do anymore.
I mean we used to enjoy baseball a lot but not so much.
Isn't it funny if you buy season tickets to the football by God you're going to every game.
If you buy season tickets to basketball then you can on making maybe half of them.
The other half you're like eh you don't care.
Yeah that's right.
You give the tickets away.
Yeah you're like yeah I can't go.
You even throw in free parking every now and then to get someone to take the summer benches.
I haven't got some free parking.
Free parking too?
Okay I'll go.
Because most people you give them a ticket and they're like well how much is parking.
Oh it's thirty five bucks.
No thank you.
Yeah.
Do you know that Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep his head cool.
He changed it every two weddings.
A cabbage leaf?
Bizarre.
I don't know how he got that one.
This is weird.
I did know this to be true.
In 1920 Babe Ruth out home with every American League team.
Wow.
That's pretty good.
That's amazing.
And I also knew this.
All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on a job in case their pants split.
And that is true.
You can look that up right now.
It's true.
Imagine having a rule for that.
You know it had to happen a bunch of times before they made the rule.
Oh look at that guy.
He's wearing doily underwear.
Look at the skid mark.
Oh look.
He's older.
Look at his ball sack.
Well he looks younger but by his ball sack I'd say he's ten years older.
You can tell by the droop.
Yeah look at him.
He's almost to his knees.
He's got to be at least sixty three.
Did you know that dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Makes perfect sense.
That'd be awesome.
With all the people getting offended by everything in this country we should bring dueling back.
We should.
You know that Bud Light can't offend you.
Go out and try to summon a duel over it.
Maybe you'll die.
Yep.
That'd be awesome.
I'd do it just to scare out stupid people.
Oh god.
Well you know what.
We probably could.
We could probably get rid of all stupid people and still be around.
There wouldn't be very many people left.
Yeah but who'd be fucking making our food.
I don't know.
There'd only be a couple hundred of us left on the planet.
Yeah.
The problem is we all may be included in the stupid people we go.
I know there's a lot of people smarter than me.
Yeah.
I'd be like man I can't wait until all these people clear it.
Gink.
The average life span of a major league baseball.
Can you guess?
Oh I've heard this.
It's short.
It is.
Ten minutes.
It's not minutes.
It's measured in pitches.
Is it like 20?
It's seven.
Seven.
Yeah that's.
And you watch a game and you start counting them.
One's ten, one's five.
It depends.
You know sometimes one of them gets hit right off the bat and scuffed up.
It gets thrown back.
Every now and then you get one that'll go about eight or nine pitches but not very often.
Yeah it makes sense.
The ones that there's any kind of scuff or defect on it that's something the pitcher can use to control the ball.
Yeah and that's how you always see hitters all the time to inspect the baseball.
And a lot of times, most times the umpire throws it away.
Yeah.
He throws it to the ball boy and gives them another one.
But that's okay because then they sell those as game used baseballs.
That's right.
And make a killing.
Yeah.
You know they do make a killing.
Oh yeah.
And it doesn't go to any charity either.
You ever see that?
It doesn't say it's going to MS or something.
No.
It's like the NFL teams that wear pink all during October according to breast cancer awareness.
And then they say oh they sell the items later.
Well breast cancer gets maybe five to ten percent.
Yeah and the ones that they do they get virtually nothing.
The NFL just pockets tons of money.
Yeah.
And so I noticed last year a lot of those breast cancer organizations refused to as part associate with the NFL anymore because they get nothing out of it.
Yeah.
It's like you're using us to make yourself millions.
Why would we bother?
They don't mind the contribution but what they mind is them using them to make a fucking torrential profit.
Yes.
Okay.
Did you know retired basketball and this one's an easy one.
Anyone with any type of brain at all would know this.
Retired basketball sensation Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike each year than all the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Wow.
He out-earns their entire workforce.
And that one's an easy one to predict too.
It's sad.
Yeah it is very sad.
You know I think the saddest part about that is not that those people have so little money but the fact that so much money is going to one person who doesn't need it.
That's right.
It's just why would you pour hundreds of gallons of clean water into a lake instead of drinking it yourself.
The lake doesn't need it.
Yeah that's right.
Gosh.
For the makers of Guess Who Bit My Asshole Board Game and Guess Who's Gentle to Turn My Face, it's two douchebags and microphones.
Action figure.
That's right.
Each action figure comes with a scratch-and-stimp pelvic area, a free bag of Cheetos, and three free mullets.
That's right.
Three free mullets.
You can put these on each douchebag and have fun.
New from Gizbro.
Act now and get a free at-home taint piercing.
That's right.
Free at-home taint piercing.
Hey, where'd everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my god, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.