Live from the historic River Market District in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
from the banks of the beautiful Crystal Blue Walkers of the Missouri River,
it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct washrags,
two douchebags and a microphone invade your ear holes in 3, 2, 1.
Two thimble dicks and a crash cart will be right back.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You remind me of a penny.
Two-faced and not worth much.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell.
Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats,
Tabasco sauce and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
Welcome back, Two Douchebags.
And a microphone.
I'm Topher.
I'm Mark.
Welcome back.
This might be the second one of these.
Who knows? I don't know how long we went, but we had two guests right off the bat.
We had two pairs of guests.
So awesome.
Yeah, it was really great.
And both flavors, male and female, it was great.
You know, if they had arrived at the same time, they would have both made cute couples.
Yeah, that's right. They would.
Yeah. Yep.
Anyway.
Oh, anyhow.
So I'm going to go ahead and give Rob Rad a call here because he wants to join us.
I don't know why you'd want to join us, but he does.
Especially after last time.
Yeah.
And all the fun I made of him afterwards when he couldn't defend himself.
But that's what I do.
Yes.
So let me switch the mic pattern.
There we go.
Rob.
Hey.
What's up, buddy?
It's a little chilly, but it's all right.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right.
We're trying to get you better because we both forgot our Bluetooth.
So.
I think we hear you pretty good.
I think so.
All right.
So I have some would you rathers.
All right.
Okay.
Number one, straight off the bat, would you rather get caught jerking off by a family member or get a tramp stamp of a pink heart?
Oh, give me the tramp stamp.
Yeah.
Wow.
Both of those last forever, you know.
Yeah.
I'd rather get caught jerking off.
If you get a tramp stamp, I can cover up.
Well, that's a point.
You could cover the tramp stamp or have it removed, but your family member is going to remember for the rest of their life.
Yes.
You know what?
I would make myself like the victim.
I cannot believe you came in here unannounced, tramping in here without knocking.
And you know what?
A man has needs.
And you know, if you're so concerned about it, you need to buy me a fucking hooker so I won't do it.
Or a flesh light.
Oh my God.
So by the time I get done, they're going to be crying.
They're going to be, I'm sorry, Mark.
I didn't mean to do that to you.
And you don't speak a word of this because it's embarrassing.
You're right. I'm sorry.
So I'll take the jerking off.
I'll take the tramp stamp.
As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even quit.
I just keep going.
You'd be sitting there with that banana peel in your hand going at it.
I'd be like, what's the problem?
You like watching me?
That's gross.
You're sick.
You're a fucking sicko.
That would be a good way to turn a record.
Yeah.
You're a sicko.
I can't believe you're watching me now.
Leave me alone so I can get this done.
You're interrupting my flow.
Which one of us is here watching then?
What's the matter?
Was Erotic City closed?
Yeah.
They had to clean this son of a bitch sometime.
They had the power washers and the paint peelers and the gasoline and the paint remover.
They had something called Kill Cum or something like that.
They had a huge truckload of Kill Cum.
Yeah.
That's one toxic waste site.
Let me tell you.
Yeah.
Okay, so Rob, you're a tramp stamp.
What are you?
I go tramp stamp.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to keep going and just look them right in the eyes.
Double down.
Yeah.
Look them right in the eyes and go, man, this is fun.
Hey, you want to sit down next to me?
You want to talk to me?
Just tell them don't say anything or I'll stick my finger up my butt.
Normally that comes later, but if you're here, I'll do it right now.
Direct prostate stimulation.
Yes.
Woo-woo.
Oh my gosh.
Okay, number two.
Would you rather eat kale every day or get punched in the face daily?
Punched in the face.
Yeah, I'm going to have to say punched in the face.
Yeah, I'm going to be hurting, but no kale for this guy.
No.
It's with the kale life just isn't worth living anyway.
No, I would feel so defeated and weak and prone to trickery and trends and fads.
Yeah.
So if you're a kale eater, you're kind of worse than a bottom feeder.
You're kind of a garbage eater.
Yeah, you're a garbage eater.
Yeah, because that's what kale is, is garbage.
Pretty much, yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
Easy choice there.
Yeah, there it is.
Number three.
Would you rather not shower for a month or dye your hair fuchsia?
Wow.
I didn't dye my hair fuchsia, again, just to be a dick.
You know, I thought I was considering that, but I think I'll skip the shower for a month
rather than dye my hair fuchsia.
It's probably good for your skin, actually, all the natural oils.
It probably is, you know.
Yeah.
You didn't see all the cavemen running around with, you know, Rogaine or...
Exima, all right.
Yeah, I think I'd have to skip the shower.
Yeah.
Okay.
Plus, it's really easy to do.
You just don't shower.
Well, I'm not doing it because I'm opposed to not taking a shower for a month.
Sounds kind of fun to me.
But, you know, the reason I'm doing it is just to piss people off.
You're old.
You're not supposed to do that.
Fuck you.
I'm going to do it more.
You're not supposed to do that, really.
Yeah, the way I go is my girlfriend also.
Well, yeah.
Well, I mean, that's just the way it is.
Yeah.
Yep.
Number four, would you rather lick...the last one was three.
I think I called it four.
This is four.
Would you rather lick a sleazy used hotel pillow or eat a live cockroach?
Give me the cockroach.
Yeah.
It'll be crunchy.
It'll be over soon.
Oh, God.
There's too many diseases out there.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And we're talking about eating cockroaches and we're talking about diseases.
We think there's less disease in a cockroach than there is on a hotel pillow.
That's pretty bad.
Well, there are parts of the world where cockroaches are part of the daily menu.
That's true.
Yeah.
You know what?
We should be allowed to roast it, right?
I would think so.
Yeah.
Cockroach cracklings.
Yeah.
You know, I put some seasoned salt on it and some butter.
So when you eat it, at least it'll have a decent taste.
Or it should.
Lemon pepper.
Yeah, good idea.
There was a guy I went to school with that worked for the State Department his whole
career.
That's the only thing he would say.
I worked for the State Department.
Well, he was a spy, basically.
He would never say it, but he was a spy.
But he said that in some of the consulates where he would be posted, especially in Africa,
there were a lot of insects on the menu.
And he remembers eating pickled grasshoppers at a state dinner.
Did he like it?
Not so much.
But he said, you know, you're there representing the U.S. You can't refuse.
You've got to eat.
So he ate all sorts of insect life just as part of his job.
Oh my, yeah.
Yeah, that would suck.
Yeah.
It's still better than a hotel room pillow.
Okay, this next one I really love.
Would you rather play checkers where the preserved amputated penises or rolling garbage for an
hour?
Oh, wow.
I'm going to go with preserved amputated penises.
Yeah, I think I'm playing checkers.
I don't know that rolling in garbage.
No, no, no.
No, I can wash my hands about 100 times.
And also be kind of fun.
I try to grab the biggest ones first.
That way I look intimidating.
And once again, I jump yours.
King me.
And if you run out of pieces, you just pop your own on the table.
Look, I have an extra.
Which one are you?
Are you officially rolling in garbage or what?
No, I'm not.
Okay, all right.
All right, it's unanimous.
We're all playing checkers with amputated preserved penises.
Why not?
Yeah.
Because they're available everywhere.
You know, that would make a hell of a story later on.
Your grandkids.
You know, I once played checkers with preserved amputated penises.
Did you win?
I don't think anyone really won.
There's no winning in that situation.
You see, there's this dare thing going on.
Well, that's how you got the little green card tramp stamp and the fuchsia hair too.
Shut up.
Get out of here.
Get out of here, you little fuck.
Go back home.
Six.
Would you rather wear Daisy Duke jorts in public or her tie up tank top in public?
Ooh.
Jorts.
Jorts?
No, I'm not into that thing.
Yeah, I'd probably do the tie up tank top.
Yeah.
And besides that, it would be so disgusting looking and people would just be like.
All that chest hair hanging out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The fat rolling out.
Oh, yes.
That's the look I'm going for.
I imagine Peter Griffin when he wore those tank tops with Homer Simpson, remember?
Oh, God.
If you ever saw that episode, you can't unsee it and it's a cartoon.
Yeah.
It's horrifying enough to see a cartoon.
Number seven.
Oh, which one are you, Rob?
I really don't know.
Oh, come on.
Just pick one.
I'm going to lot one to you.
You're going to be Daisy Duke tie on like me and Topher.
The shorts.
The jorts?
You're taking the jorts?
The shorty shorts.
We want pictures.
I don't.
Post them to two-deucebags-and-microphone.net.
Rob Radd's ass.
And make sure you turn around and smile at one of them so they know it's you.
Have ass up, turn around, smile at him with the thumbs up.
Oh, this is quality entertainment right here.
How come everything just plummeted on our meter?
Look at all these people.
This is the best thing we've ever seen.
Yeah.
And we're going to put this on the camera.
You're going to be like, oh, my God, I'm going to be in a movie.
I'm going to be in a movie.
That one is a very tough one.
Damn.
I love kids.
I love kids no matter what.
Okay.
I'm going to take Screaming Kids too.
Have you ever heard Yoko Ono?
Yes I have.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah I think I'm going to take the Screaming Kids.
Screaming Kids sound more appealing than Yoko Ono.
Yeah.
Joe and London must have been head over heels.
That's all I got to say.
Sex must have been great.
That must have been crazy.
Yeah.
She must have did that thing he likes.
With the ice cube and the handkerchief?
Yeah, yeah, yeah that thing.
How many knots John?
Seven I guess.
Price seven.
No eight.
I've had a tough day.
Eight knots.
Okay.
Let's see.
Next.
Would you rather sleep next to a pile of vomit all night or a pile of kale?
Ooh.
Aren't they pretty close?
They are pretty close, yeah.
I'm going to go with vomit.
Yeah I think the vomit probably smells better.
Yeah.
That would be vomit.
Yeah.
Vomit is a little bit more appealing than kale.
I would say so, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay that's unanimous.
This next one's fucked.
Well they're all fucked but anyhow.
Would you rather bite a randomly elderly person on the face or scream at people to stop eating
hamsters raw for three hours at Crown Center?
Was this like a hallucination you had?
Pretty much.
It was late at night and I don't know.
I don't want to say maybe I got a contact muzzle.
I don't know.
I don't know what might have happened.
These questions concerned me after I wrote them out.
Yeah.
Where did this come from and why did they come about?
So one choice is screaming at people not to eat raw hamsters.
Yeah at Crown Center.
And the other choice is?
What the fuck was it now?
Because the hamster just kind of blew me away.
I was like.
I ate a person on the face.
Oh bite a randomly elderly person on the face.
Oh gosh.
Now that might be kind of fun.
I could do Crown Center.
Yeah well I could probably do that.
I'm going to bite an elderly person.
We should do it faster mom.
Yeah yeah.
You know what?
I've already done it so I want to move on to biting an elderly person on the face.
Well I'm getting kind of elderly myself so you know that might be a way to meet somebody.
That's true.
You know bite them on the face.
Yeah you never know.
They might be like you know what?
That was really cool.
Give me your number.
I mean I've become good friends.
Yeah yeah.
Then every time you know how'd you guys meet?
I bit him on the face.
Right there see the scar.
We've been best friends ever since.
That's not a dimple?
No that was his fang tooth.
He held on for a while man.
He wasn't letting go.
It was crazy.
So alright.
Oh I have a couple more alternative insults here that we need to wrap up because we got
so busy talking.
Another one is calling someone a banana peel.
Yeah yeah.
People who don't know how to take that.
They're just kind of like you're slippery.
You could like make someone fall and break their neck.
Yeah or you know also modify it as the banana peel after you used it to jerk off with.
Well yeah oh yeah well I didn't say that because that's just what you do.
Yeah we already know that's what's going on.
Toenail.
Toenail is a good one yeah.
So if I'm mad at you Robbie I go Robbie you're a toenail.
What do you do?
Yeah that's true.
Call it a discolored toenail.
Discolored toenail oh with the fungus yeah.
Or a watery ice cube.
Or a watery deviled egg.
Aren't those gross?
A chewed up devil egg that someone spit out on a hot sidewalk.
That right there.
So yeah alright.
Hey have you heard about SpaceX you know Elon Musk's attempt of getting everybody into space
and then eventually to Mars.
Space tourism.
Space tourism yeah.
Well do you know that the SpaceX exploded the other day.
Yes it did.
I didn't hear that.
Now did anyone know that it was a planned explosion?
I didn't.
It's true.
The media did not report it.
They just said that it exploded.
Yeah because it catches more attention that way.
Yes.
Yeah I see it was under investigation.
Yeah no okay here's what it is.
The media just had out a blanket statement saying that the SpaceX rocket by Elon Musk had exploded.
I knew that it might before takeoff because I did my research.
Musk had a system that if the rocket started to cream off course that the rocket was to self-destruct.
That's pretty standard.
Why did the media report this?
Because they don't like Musk right now.
Yeah.
It was probably because he's an outlaw or it could be lazy reporting him.
Yeah.
It all blew up okay we'll report that.
And it's really kind of a blurb too even on live TV.
They just say the SpaceX rocket exploded today and like you said under investigation.
Well I already knew that it was going to explode because he said if it starts going off course we're going to self-destruct it.
Because they don't want it you know hitting somebody, launching into a neighborhood or something.
Yeah or hitting another satellite or whatever.
So it must have started a veering off course to where you know this was just a test.
They didn't expect nobody was on it.
They didn't expect it to do anything except exploratory of the bottom line of being able to make space tourism a reality.
Yeah.
Right.
I've seen another example of this type of journalism where they introduce a misleading headline or even a misleading story.
Oh all the time.
There's a story out now where it says Eminem admits that the interview where he comes out as gay he had to do several tries.
Now from the headline you think what Eminem came out as gay.
Yeah that's right.
But it turns out he was making a movie and the character he was playing was giving an interview and coming out during that scene.
Yes.
And he had trouble with that scene so he had to do several takes.
But what the headline made it sound like was that he broke down several times while coming out as gay in a public interview or something.
Which is totally bullshit.
And because I subscribe to a lot of NFL outlets they have this thing there where on my phone the first thing it says is Andy Reid reveals the shocking truth and shit like that.
Yeah.
And actually it's just like nothing.
It's like something that everyone knew.
That he loves cheeseburgers.
The term for that is clickbait.
Clickbait yes.
So you click on it you get exposed to the ad they get paid.
That's all they care about.
Yeah that's all they give a shit about.
They put in any headline they want.
Yep.
Okay so moving right along we're going to do things to whisper in a stranger's ear again.
I've tried some of these they actually work pretty well.
Yeah after I recovered from the baseball bat wings I started doing them again.
It was great.
Anyhow these are things to whisper in a stranger's ear randomly for no reason.
Yep.
Just because we're dicks.
So my number one but it's not the number one one that I like it's the number one that I thought of was apology accepted.
That's a good one.
Yeah.
I like that.
Yeah.
Make it thick.
Yeah.
Who would have sent that guy out of nowhere to say apology accepted.
Who didn't know apology before.
Wouldn't that be someone who went home and said I'm so glad you're okay with that affair.
Thank you.
What?
Or something else or I'm so glad that you know that I took your piggy bank.
Here's a good one.
You can run up you can walk up to a stranger hand them a small box and say I don't want it anymore.
You deal with the police and then leave.
It reminds me right here at the city market a few years back and I posted on social media wherever there's a big dark dog turn out in the park area out here.
Someone put up a little sign that said I don't love my town of Kansas City.
Hey put it on every dog turn.
I should do that when I when I walk and I walk my dog in the neighborhood.
Every time I find dog poop I'll just put a little sign that says I don't like my neighborhood.
Yes.
Yeah I mean there's like seven of them because there's like seven very obvious dog turns out there in that park.
And you know of course there's places everywhere you can get the bag to pick it up.
Yeah.
And they said I don't love my town of Kansas City.
Then the next one.
No the other left.
That would be confusing as hell.
Yeah I'd be like wait a minute I was walking left.
What the fuck does he mean?
What other left?
That would make people go eww.
You'd be like Victor turn their head halfway and then they'd probably realize that you're a douche bag and go get out of my way.
Or call it their rape whistle or they call the cops.
Security security.
Next one on the list.
If you scratch it it will never heal.
Some of them just got done picking at their Johnson because it's like uneven or something or maybe a little bit poking out or some shit.
They're like just fucking moving around.
Oh there there there there now it's tucked in there.
It wedged in there right.
If you scratch it it will never heal.
I'd smile look him right in the face and go that's what Mercurocombe is for.
It stings but it sure takes care of the infection.
Look it up Mercurochrome.
Mercurochrome about like it would sound.
If not just Google voice it.
Oh that shit hurt didn't it.
Oh it did.
Oh my god it was worse than it.
I think the only reason they put it on us was to try to make us be more careful because otherwise next time we'll get that stupid painful stuff again.
Yeah I know I swear that's it.
Because I mean you're like dividing the line between sympathy and getting that shit doused on you.
Yeah it's like punishment for hurting yourself.
Yeah so like sometimes it's like no I'm not going there.
She's been throwing iodine on there.
Whenever you lucked out and got the turpentine you're like oh good that stuff's not nearly as bad.
We're trying to get you to man up.
Oh yeah iodine and Mercurochrome.
Okay let's see next one.
Watch this.
That's awesome.
Yeah it is.
And then they're sitting there for like three hours.
Did I miss it?
Who am I supposed to watch?
That's awesome.
They keep looking around going around.
Hey did something happen around here?
I don't know.
You can get a kebab over there.
There's coffee.
I don't know.
They just run up and say right here.
It's going to happen right here.
That would be even better.
Right here.
Three minutes.
They didn't run way over the other side of the watch.
Look at their stopwatch.
Three minutes.
Somebody is peeling those pugs I think you can hear in the background.
They've got about half their skin off now.
Yeah.
People keep running into our banner.
Oh wow suddenly he looks regretful that he brought all three of them to the market.
There's three pugs.
There's a guy with three pugs.
Next one.
This one I love.
What if Thor had a mullet?
He would not be cool anymore.
He'd be like where did that douche bag come from?
Oh yeah the one with the mullet.
Yeah I don't know he has this big hammer.
He's like screaming something about Odin or something.
That's fucked.
Someone get rid of him.
Call security.
Now if he didn't have a mullet and he looked like Thor here,
everyone would be like hey Thor is here.
They've had a mullet.
No he'd get the cops calling.
I had a hell of a mullet back in the day.
Someone take Joe Dirt and get him the fuck out of here.
Sorry just throw it in the fuck.
I'm going to.
You had a mullet?
You had a kicking mullet?
I had yeah.
Unfortunately during the mid 90s I.
You don't look like a douche bag.
Hey thank you.
I appreciate that.
It's a catchy name though.
It is.
We're all laughing.
It's so funny.
Well thanks appreciate it.
You got anything you want to say?
To the world?
Yeah.
Oh man I don't know.
I don't think so.
What we're talking about now is random things to run up to a stranger and whisper in their
ear.
Oh you could always whisper like you are the father and run away.
That's a good one.
We are her aunts and we're watching it.
No I'm not.
I play rugby so.
Oh okay.
Have a good podcast.
Yeah we are.
We have a lot of people participate and talk.
That's funny.
I love that.
Good for you guys.
I'll have to look you up.
Yeah please do.
Two douche bags on our microphone.net.
I love it.
Alright take care everybody.
Right next to WWE that's my 12 year old grandson.
He does a podcast because he's in WWE.
Oh really?
Yeah he's got a full setup in his bedroom.
I got him the light.
A big round light.
Because he does the visual.
Yeah the video cast.
Oh yeah he does the video cast.
What's his name?
What's the name of it?
Robby Cannon.
I don't know if his dad covers everything before he puts it on.
Yeah.
Yeah so.
But anyway he's just getting started.
Yeah okay that's cool.
Well he'll get a little exposure.
Yeah.
Okay.
Alright take care.
Let's see.
Is Rob still here?
Oh yeah Rob you there?
Yeah I'm still here.
Okay.
You just let us talk.
Oh another one you could say is the test came positive.
That one would be bad.
Call your doctor.
My doctor said the strain is drug resistant.
Good luck.
Does yours itch too?
Well it's kind of a burning itch.
Does that count?
It really does turn black and fall off.
I looked up the symptoms.
You just better go look them up yourself.
Or you just walk up to somebody at random and say you're very brave to do that in public.
Yeah.
Huh?
Like what?
What did I do?
Yeah that.
That.
You know that.
You know.
You know what I'm talking about.
Next one.
Nestle or Hershey?
Oh yeah.
Yeah you'll probably get a real response for that.
Yeah.
I mean I'm more.
I don't know you know.
I think I like Nestle a little bit better but Hershey's good too.
I'm moose for both.
Yeah.
That's kind of like you see in those videos of that guy who runs around with two pillows.
And he'll just walk up to a random person and hand him a pillow and challenge him to a pillow fight.
And you know a lot of people he gets you know will go ahead and jump on in and you know they start wailing on.
The same guy used to do with super soakers.
Yeah yeah.
He had two super soakers.
He'd slide one to the other guy and then they'd have a war gun fight.
He's the new kinder gentler guy.
He's like oh we're going to go to pillows.
Yeah.
Because my super soaker actually got someone in the eye and I got sued.
Yeah plus it looks like a gun.
Yeah that's probably it right there.
Yeah.
So.
Here's another one.
Go out for a long one.
I wonder how many would start running.
A lot.
A lot of people.
Because that's drained in.
That's ingrained in from high school.
From college if you will.
From Sandlot.
You know it's funny it reminded me.
There was one time I was walking my mail route.
There were a couple of guys that were throwing a football back and forth.
And as I walked past them the one guy said hey mailman go along.
So then he threw me the ball and instead of catching it I just opened up my mail bag and let it go in.
Oh you were the coolest person for a week then.
They laughed their asses off.
Was this before video was famous?
Yeah.
Oh too bad.
This would have been like 93 94.
You would have went viral.
Nobody had smartphones.
Mailman catching a football in his bag.
Yep.
The next one.
Here it comes.
That builds a suspense.
Damn it.
Last time it said it's going to happen right here and I waited.
And now here it comes and I waited.
What the hell is going on here?
Something big is happening and I have no idea what it is.
This next one I love.
Hey thanks for showing up.
That's good they feel like they're obligated to do something now.
Was this some sort of satanic mass or something?
Hey you showed up.
You gotta do something.
They're showing up.
What the hell am I showing up to?
Next one only us will get this and maybe a couple other people.
Sammy or Dave?
I'm a David Lee Roth guy myself.
Yeah I kind of like the music better with David.
The music was better.
I love his showmanship.
Not now, now he looks like Uncle Skeletor.
Uncle Creepy.
He did not age well.
Sammy Hagar looks much cooler at this age.
Yeah he's like his mid 70's.
He looks like he's 50.
Yeah he's still having the time of his life.
He still sounds great.
David Lee Roth can't even talk.
His voice is gone.
David Lee Roth was never as much a singer as an entertainer.
No he is an entertainer and he knew that too.
And he stated that.
Sammy was both.
He had the singing chops, the guitar playing chops, the songwriting chops.
And he was a decent entertainer.
David was all eye candy.
Yep.
Next one and final one.
Goatee or Van Dyke?
There's a definite difference if you know what they are.
I think you do don't you?
Let's see.
Goatee is just the chin whiskers.
Yes.
And the Van Dyke is the mustache teeth.
Yes.
I'm a goatee person.
I think the chin whiskers look a little weird on their own.
Yeah.
Now.
I've got my goatee instead.
Okay.
What I think is cool is to grow your goatee out nice and long and then braid it into a single dreadlock.
That is cool.
Yeah.
That would be a goatee with accessory.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's go goatee with accessory even though that wasn't a part of it.
But anyhow, yeah.
Certain people would like to have a definite opinion.
Other people shrug their shoulders.
What were you saying?
I was going to say comb the cookie crumbs out of your goatee.
Oh yeah.
It would be easier if it was like in a ponytail.
Just like shake it a little bit and it would all fall out of the ponytail and everything would be great.
There was an Alice in Chains video where Lanes Daly had a goatee dreadlock.
Yeah.
And that was a clip-on.
It wasn't really his but it was like a clip-on for the video.
But it looked pretty cool.
Yeah.
I know what you're talking about actually.
I remember that.
Yeah.
And I didn't know that was a clip-on.
Yeah.
I think it was for them bones.
Them bones.
Yeah.
That sounds about right.
It was one of their earlier hits.
Yeah.
It was after Man in the Box which caught everybody in the world.
Yeah.
And that sounds about right.
It was the next album Dirt.
Yeah.
Dirt.
I could tell it was a clip-on because in order to have that chin dreadlock his beard would
have to be about a foot long or more.
Oh.
It wasn't.
Oh that makes sense.
He never had a beard that long so it was just a clip-on.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
We on.
All right.
Fish on.
You know actually the second to last comment in someone's ear, whisper in someone's ear,
I forgot Gary.
Gary Sharone.
Sammy, Dave or Gary.
Gary.
You're right.
Gary was part of Van Halen.
Yeah.
He actually sounded really good in Van Halen.
The album didn't do anything but.
Yeah.
I mean people were tired of him changing lead singers.
Yes.
At that point you might as well just put it out under a different name and make sure everyone
knows that it's you know most of Van Halen.
Yeah.
That's true.
Yep.
Let's see.
Trying to think.
I have a story.
Oh okay.
There was a social experiment done back in the 50s that was really groundbreaking.
The way the system, the experiment was set up is they would have volunteers come to a
place and they say what we're doing is we're testing memory and trying to see if memory
improves with negative feedback.
So what we're going to do is you're going to sit here at this console and there is a
person in another room and you will read them a question and then they will respond and
if they get it right you move on.
If they get it wrong you press this button and administer a small electric shock.
Okay.
And they had a person, usually a man standing with next to him wearing a lab coat holding
a clipboard you know looking very official.
So they would have people come in and sit down and start reading these questions and
when the guy would get them wrong they would shock him and the shocks would get more and
more intense as the system went along.
And eventually the person in the other room was starting to yell and scream when he was
getting the shots.
I think I know where this goes.
The person with the clipboard kept saying just keep going, keep doing it, they're a
volunteer, they agreed to this and the person kept administering the shots over and over
when you get them.
The person would be reading the question, the guy would get it wrong and then the person
would beg them please don't shock me, please don't and the guy with the clipboard said
push the button, give the correction.
The person would go ahead and push the button because the authority figure told him to and
then they would hear the person in the other room scream in pain and these people reading
the questions would be weeping and begging don't make me do this, don't make me do this
and then they'd just keep doing it.
Nobody was making them do it.
They could have gotten up and left at any time but this authority figure with the clipboard
was telling them to and they felt helpless.
And they would continue and even to the point.
What a thing in psychology.
Yeah.
Now even to the point where the person in the other room would lose consciousness from
pain and successive shots.
Isn't that crazy?
That is.
The vast majority of people would continue to deliver shots just because the authority
figure told them to well past the point where the person was screaming in pain.
Now here's the kicker.
The person in the other room was an actor.
I figured that.
There was never any electrical shock, never any pain but there was an experiment to see
if an authority figure tells you to how far would you go to hurt another human being who
has done nothing to you.
Well you need to look no further than Hitler.
The answer was that pretty much almost 90% of these people would just keep giving the
shots because the man with the clipboard told them to.
Wow.
Isn't that nuts?
That is insane and that's scary.
And when this was printed in the papers back in the 50s it caused an enormous stir because
the United States was trying to raise people to do whatever authority told them.
Don't think, don't reason, just listen to what we tell you.
They perfected it let's be honest.
But then this story came out and people realized holy hell we're giving up our free will on
people, our choice.
Yeah it was a big stir.
They tried to redo this study in the 90s with much poorer results.
The vast majority of people just said I ain't doing this and they stood up and walked out.
That's interesting because I thought today there would be more people going oh yeah I'll
do it.
Well I don't know what the results they'd get if they tried it today but when they tried
to recreate it in the 90s the conclusion was people's view of authority is a lot different
now.
Back in the 50s it was authority okay they automatically get control I'm going to do
what they say.
But in the 90s it was they're the authority well I didn't vote for them, I didn't put
them in charge why should I listen to them.
And so those people you know they would administer a few shocks and the person would start yelling
and they're like I'm out I'm not doing this anymore.
Well I like it that's cool.
But in the 50s we were a nation of slaves.
The government would tell us what to think and we'd think isn't that nuts.
That is nuts.
Thank God we've got more independence.
I would think it was the other way now just by the nature of how everyone acts.
Yeah I think if they recreated the study now they'd have to do it differently.
I bet they would get a lot more people to go along with it.
I think so too.
I bet they would because they just don't want to think about consequences.
So many people just live in the moment.
Well in the 90s it was anti-establishment anyhow.
So big time.
It was almost like the 60s recreated over again.
Because grunge was kind of rejection of the big bloated recording contracts.
Yeah the rejection of corporations, corporate America, corporate rock all that.
Get back to basics, let's just be raw and unpolished and crude.
It was very appealing.
I think it was called the Johnson study.
That's what kind of comes to mind.
Actually that sounds about right.
I think I remember something about that now.
Yeah.
It'd be useful if they taught that in school but they never will.
No they won't.
Guess what just came over my desk.
What came over your desk?
Deer douchebags.
I love the deer douchebags.
We'll be right back.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Hey you forever feel yourself infuriated and the pocket is not even in it.
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If a 10 pound bag of shit could talk this is what it would sound like.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
The number one show for people that lie about their favorite podcast.
Deer douchebags and microphone.
I'm Tober.
I'm Mark.
And we have Rob on the phone.
Rob Brad.
All right.
You got anything you want to say before we go to the deer douchebags letter?
Well actually yeah there is something.
I'm doing kind of like a way of about lazy society these days.
Delivery services.
Door dash, glove hub, engine car.
All of them.
That's what my girlfriend does for a living.
She makes as much money if not more than me.
Wow.
Okay.
The other day she went she picked up she got an order for nine different orders all
combined into one.
She picks up a pack of gum in Market City.
Okay.
Pack of gum.
Yeah.
Guys down around 62nd True.
She Brooks side.
Then on over to Rusty.
And her last delivery was in Rayport.
This pack of gum.
Okay.
She pulls up in front of the house.
It was last weekend.
There was a big group of people out in the driveway barbecuing playing corn hole as she
walked up and delivered this pack of gum.
That yeah that.
So they would rather have a pack of gum.
Yeah.
They were right there in Rayport gas station right up the street.
So they waited like an hour, hour and a half for this pack of gum.
Wow.
That's insane.
That's you know I don't imagine that that's you know a sustainable thing for a person to
do is keep ordering packs of gum on.
But there are enough people to do it here and there on a whim or on a work.
That I think that's going to be you know a pretty steady supply because I mean everybody
made money off of that except the person buying the gum.
Yeah.
How do you tip?
What do you tip on a pack of gum purchase?
A buck?
That's probably what the gum costs.
Yeah.
I don't know what she got this tip on that.
It's just crazy.
Some of the stores that I've been to, they're all like, oh my gosh.
I don't know what she's got this stuff on that.
It's just crazy.
Some of the stories she tells.
Well it shows you about our lazy society doesn't it?
Yeah.
It's like what me go out, oh no I couldn't possibly go out with this guy.
No.
He's got to be brought to me.
Yeah.
I mean I can understand.
You have a long day at work.
You get home to make dinner.
You forgot something.
You didn't stop and grab something to go with dinner.
No.
Yeah you don't want to go back down.
You get online or I can understand.
Yeah.
Or if you're handicapped.
Yeah.
But if you're just being pure lazy.
That's a lot of money to be pure lazy.
Yeah it is.
Well at least on the good part they're getting that money back into circulation instead of
just holding onto it.
Yeah.
Yeah true.
It drives the economy.
Money has to change hands a certain number of times every day.
Oh yeah the government loves it because they get their tax on everything.
Yeah.
Yeah that's like triple taxed at least.
So.
Well okay.
You got anything else you want to go into or?
I'll save the rest for next time.
Alright.
Alright you know you're open forum.
You want to talk about anything.
You had a story about my brother.
Oh yes okay yes.
Yeah let's go ahead and go into this and then we'll do the deer douche bags afterwards.
Alright.
Yeah because this was funny.
This was hilarious.
One night me, Martin, John get off work there just in gypsum.
It's like 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning.
We get this crazy hair run down to Harrisonville.
Don't even know why we were going.
I think there's like a bunch of wild bitches down there wasn't there?
Down in Hooterville?
Yeah in Hooterville.
Always was.
Well we're doing my caprice.
I'm driving.
Oh and your caprice.
Yeah go ahead.
At Mugs on the passenger side.
John's sitting in the back seat.
We get down.
We're rolling down 71.
We get down around the curi.
This guy's walking down the side of the road.
I looked at him and I said, should we get him arrived?
They said yeah.
I was like, pick him up.
I swear to God we're 2 miles from Harrisonville.
Just from peculiar to Harrisonville.
This guy has a door open and a radio jump out.
Around 55, 60 yards.
Nice.
It's a road rash there.
I kept watching John.
John started screaming over closer and closer to this guy.
That's saying I know.
Well Mark was watching.
So Mark puts his arm around me.
And John puts his arm around this dude.
That's all.
Oh my God that dude flipped out.
Oh my God.
We had to stop him from jumping.
We're just messing with you.
We do this to everybody.
We're just messing with you.
I bet that guy never hitched my car.
I bet he didn't either.
I bet you if you ever had to walk outside the road he had a sign that said no I don't want to ride.
He was only in the car like 3 miles.
I know the purr guy.
Oh God we were assholes.
God we were assholes.
Back in high school days my brother John had a friend Mikey.
And sometimes they'd go to the same parties a lot.
And one of their favorite gags was to sit in a place where when you came in the door you'd see them immediately.
And then they'd sit on the couch and they'd wrap their legs around each other and cuddle.
So as soon as people came in the door they'd see these two guys cuddling on the sofa and go up.
But the fun part is my brother John isn't gay.
But the guy Mikey who's doing this with is gay.
But at the time wasn't out yet.
So John thinks he's being wild and crazy.
But Mikey's over there and he's going to cool.
It probably helped him realize that was cooler than that chick.
Pretty cool.
Alright well now moving right along we have a dear douchebag sent in.
Can you believe that people still ride us?
I am surprised that people actually use snail mail.
They'll put a stamp on an envelope and everything.
After all the horrible advice we've handed out someone would actually ride us and want our remarks on anything?
Gluttons for punishment I suppose.
I guess. I mean I guess they really want to go to jail or something.
Let's find out.
I mean last time Mr. Creepy interrupted.
Sure hope he doesn't do it this time. We don't see him anywhere.
Yeah I heard that this morning.
Yeah yeah we called the cops on him so we don't know.
I'm thinking that woman over there is my wife's cousin. She never turns around.
I can't see her from the front.
Oh she sent a spy.
She's moving on.
Okay dear douchebags I have a neighbor who keeps blowing all her leaves in our yard when we are away.
I get home after going on a day trip with my family and bam all the leaves magically appear in my backyard.
I also have neighbors that report such activity to me when it happens.
I usually try to turn the other cheek but I just can't let this asshole keep on doing me like this.
Signed my neighbors at Tool in Kabul.
Another good one.
I love it.
Our listeners have the best fucking names don't they?
They're so clever.
I can't wait to hear a response.
Yeah I'm looking around trying to make sure Mr. Creepy don't come in and bat in.
I don't think this is sick enough for Mr. Creepy. He's like who's there?
He likes the pervy stuff.
They arrested him right upside his van. His ice cream truck.
Yeah.
Well I was like didn't he steal somebody's Uber?
Yeah he did. He stole someone's Uber.
After that when he left your show?
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It doesn't look like he's here.
Okay there. I have a couple of suggestions for you about said dickwad.
One. Pile up all the leaves he blows in your yard.
Then when he goes out for a bit dig a huge hole in his yard and cover it up with a foliage.
Then when he goes to pick him up he'll fall in.
The bear trap.
Yeah. When he is in the hole make sure and blow out loud happy music with party hats just right across the fence.
Yeah. I like that.
Have like a little dumb shits in the hole party.
Start singing that song 30 days in the hole.
30 days in the hole.
Hopefully he likes twisting the ankle so bad he's got to sit there and call for help.
Yeah.
Meanwhile no one can hear him because your music is so loud.
Sure.
Yeah.
Number two. Sign him up for insurance reviews of his house.
This will be hilarious to watch from your living room as the insurance sales people constantly badger him for weeks.
And they will.
They will.
If he cycles through all of their lists you're going to be getting calls.
Three. And people drop him by too.
Oh yeah.
Yeah. Three. Buy a drone then set the drone on the property's fence line and every time he comes out take swipes at him.
Oh shit there's that big mosquito.
Number four. Find out what moles eat.
Whatever moles eat. Grub worms.
Grub worms yeah.
And make sure his yard is well stocked with plenty.
Oh man moles are tough to get rid of.
Whenever he's out there covered up trying to kill the moles he's going to have to remove all his leaves.
That's all I got good luck.
Yeah.
He looks like Bill Murray out there.
Yeah.
So I was thinking another option you could do is you get a bunch of your friends over.
Uh huh.
And when your neighbor comes out in the backyard you can point and yell.
That's him. That's the guy.
And then your friends bring up their cell phones and start taking pictures and video.
I think what you do is you take his rake.
Yeah.
And then like take pictures of you rubbing it all over your ball sack.
Then after he gets done raking the yard you send him the pictures.
Or you just send him a picture of yourself rubbing dog poop all over the handle of the rake.
That too.
Although I had to go to ball sack.
Is that Mr. Creepy?
No he went on.
It is. I'm going to throw a rock at him.
Oh please do.
You know the next time I see Mr. Creepy I want to hit him in the nuts really hard.
Does he have rocks?
I don't know.
You motherfuckers keep talking about me.
I'm going to come over.
I'm going to burn both your houses down.
Some of the bitches.
Mr. Creepy is like you say his name three times and he appears.
Yeah.
Up he's going again.
Oh yeah he stole that guy's oobra.
That guy's pissed.
Look at him.
He's stomping up and down.
It wasn't only that guy's oobra.
That guy was the oobra driver.
Oh shit.
No wonder he's stomping up and down.
You stole my Prius.
Yeah so I was going to come in there and go man how come my oobra driver's pants are
shut up and mind your own fucking business.
Doesn't matter what I do.
You just sit back there and take the ride motherfucker.
Alright did you hear about the Russian warplane that accidentally bombed Russia?
No.
Yeah I heard that this morning.
Oh yeah.
Lovely.
A Russian warplane dropped a bomb on a Russian city of more than 400,000 people late Thursday
leaving a crater 20 meters 65 foot across blowing a car onto a roof and damaging a building
in what state media called an accidental or emergency release of air ordnance.
Or maybe it was a premature release.
I think it was a premature release but they don't want to word it like that because they're
Russia.
A Russian SU-34 aircraft, a twin engine fighter bomber was performing a flight over the city
of Belgrade 40 kilometers or 24.8 miles north of the border with Ukraine when the accidental
drop of the ammunition took place.
According to reports the state news agency RIA Novosti at around 2215 Moscow time on
April 20th the SU-34 plane of the Russian aerospace forces was performing a flight above
the city of Belgrade and emergency release of the air ordnance occurred.
Anyhow it says there's a couple injuries but no fatalities.
Wow.
But they're probably lying about that too.
Well yeah.
They probably killed the whole town but they're not going to tell it.
All 400,000.
That's a big hole we hit somebody.
That is a big hole.
Yeah it is.
And that's a big hole in a city for no one to get hurt.
Yeah.
But I mean you know they don't necessarily have to say anything you know they're Russia.
They don't have to.
Well that's true.
I saw a Tesla hack video the other day that was intriguing.
Okay.
This guy had he managed to get a hold of some wrecked Teslas and apparently they are very
difficult to get a hold of because Tesla comes and takes back all the proprietary stuff.
Like you total your Tesla you don't get to keep it.
No.
But then Tesla comes and takes all the sensitive stuff away.
This guy again managed to get a hold of a few older Teslas and he was taking them apart
and saying you know okay here's the main circuit board that controls the self the auto driving
and here's the main one that controls this and that.
And he was showing these were you know pretty basic computer boards.
A lot of off the shelf components etc.
As he was getting into the video is getting a lot more technical so I'm not really sure
how he was going to do it but he was showing how with these older Tesla parts you could
hack into the newer Tesla's.
Oh.
As they're driving.
Oh boy.
And start making them do stuff.
You could definitely hack into one that's parked.
But as it's driving he said if you've got a strong enough signal and you know you get
through the security etc. you can take over someone's Tesla just by having parts from
an older Tesla.
Wow.
And that's why Tesla is so rigid about keeping their wrecked ones off the market.
Yep.
Apparently they have a huge vulnerability for hackers and the only way they keep it at
bay is by not letting the hackers have the equipment to them.
Wow.
But how long is that going to last?
That's not going to last very long because people will figure out a way to get them.
Yeah.
If I had a small police department down here that has a Tesla I could have some fun.
Oh yeah.
Wow.
That would be fun.
You keep turning them around.
Just make it shut off at random times.
Or when he's shooting radar turn his car around and you blow through there at 140 mile an
hour.
Set the GPS for the donut shot.
Yeah.
God you'd have a lot of fun with that.
Yeah.
Video surveillance.
There's only like two or three options if you were to go downtown.
And they have a Tesla.
Yeah.
Well that was your tax money buddy.
Yeah.
No I don't leave anything.
Oh okay.
Alright that's cool.
Somebody else's tax money.
I find it interesting that a small town in mid southern Missouri chose to have a Tesla.
Yeah.
I'm not trying to figure that out.
They're not easy to maintain.
No they're very expensive and they're not the most efficient car at chasing somebody
either.
No.
I don't know this one's pretty quick.
It is.
Yeah.
Limited range though.
You turn the lights and sirens on and the radio and all that stuff.
All that drains the battery.
That's true.
You know.
The only source of power you have is the battery.
And everything in the car runs off that battery.
Air conditioning, heater, defroster, powered seats, everything.
I mean I could actually see them having a natural gas vehicle before I could see them
having a.
Yeah.
Well they went to Tesla and everybody's like how did you get the funding for that?
Really?
You know because there's only like two, three officers for the whole town.
And those aren't cheap cars.
Well I would definitely go the speed limit through that town.
Yeah.
Wow.
What's the name of the town?
Lynn Creek.
Yeah it's right in the middle of the town.
Oh okay.
It's an old town.
I've been.
There's really not much there.
I've probably been through there a million times actually.
Yeah.
I know that way so much.
Yeah so.
Okay.
I wonder if that was maybe a donation.
Or somebody you know.
Could have been someone left to make a donation.
Yeah.
Yeah it could have been.
Who knows.
It was a little odd for a little tiny town to have a Tesla.
Yeah.
Very interesting.
Huh.
They get a lot of revenue off of highways.
Yeah that's good.
That's what 65?
Well Lynn Creek drops to 55.
Oh yeah.
Okay.
Yeah that's the key.
You drop the speed limit.
That's the key.
They drop the speed limit.
You're still fucking blazing.
Yeah.
Alright.
Yeah and then you get these kids that run 80, 90 now.
You know.
Oh okay.
Tesla's bought on daddy's money.
I get it.
Yeah.
They're really good.
Yeah.
There's sections of North Dakota where they up the speed limit to 80.
Which I'm all for.
Yeah.
You know what if you do that and you die it's on you.
Alright.
There was a time not too long back.
In fact it was in the 90s.
My oldest brother lived in Montana and the speed limit on the interstate was reasonable
and prudent.
There was no speed limit.
I love it.
Yeah.
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Hey where do they go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my god someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man that smells.