Live from the city market, it is Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast.
May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
Hello, this is Satan. You might know me from my pet name, Inflation. I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to Two Douchebags and Microphone by a nice warm fire at night. I sit there and reflect on all the souls I burned that day. Enjoy.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast. One, smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing. Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons. Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717. If a 10 pound bag of shit could talk, this is what it would sound like.
We are Two Douchebags and Microphone. You don't have to be a douchebag, you can just be like a regular person.
We got the douchebag recovery coverage.
Yeah, we do quite well being douchebags.
How often do you make podcasts?
We're down here about once a week.
We divide them into about three podcasts. We're here for three or four hours and we divide them into three, usually about three of them.
About a year.
Yeah, right at about a year.
The last time I checked we had like 3,300 downloads total. Kind of all over the world except South America.
But supposedly we're going to have that covered here.
Yeah, a woman stopped by on a previous podcast. She knows some people in South America. She's going to call them and get them to download.
So we can at least break into that continent.
You see the whole rest of the globe and it's like dots everywhere when we get downloaded into South America.
Pardon me?
How do you know each other?
Oh, we've just known each other quite a while through mutual friends.
Our wives knew each other.
So we kind of hooked up that way.
And then we both discovered we like to blab a lot. So we're like, hey, let's go podcast.
So it worked out well.
Do you have anything you want to start off with or not?
I'm kind of on a blank slate now. So you can see we're downloaded all over the place.
But not South America. But we're in Europe. There's a couple people in Africa. That might be my brother.
Except my brother's in South Africa.
So yeah, my brother hasn't downloaded yet. I'll have to give him a call.
But Asia, that'll repopulate once he gets.
But we're pretty big in Midwest.
Yeah, Midwest is our main thing. But we have little hotbeds.
There's a lot over in the LA area. A lot of people listening to us. A lot in Florida.
And recently Chicago's been like really a hotbed.
Denver?
Denver is huge.
Yeah.
We'll get you guys in Utah.
Excellent.
Oh yeah. That'd be great.
What part of Utah?
Provo.
Provo. Salt Lake City area.
Let's take a look at Utah.
I think we have one there.
Yeah. I can see a couple dots here. Ogden and Syracuse. No, it's Roy and Syracuse.
Yeah.
Looks like getting close enough.
Yeah, we definitely could use a bigger presence in Utah.
Yes. Yeah, that'd be great.
We'll do our best to spread the word.
Appreciate that.
Yeah, that'd be awesome. Thank you.
Well, I'm going to start off with this new dating trend.
Okay.
And it's called rental truck dating.
And it's like a cheap way for people, you know, younger people to actually have a date because of inflation.
And it was done by a social media, what do you call them, influencer or whatever.
Or, you know, has a lot of followers.
So anyhow, let's go ahead and get the program started.
Hop right in.
Okay. All right. Two douchebags.
And a microphone.
I'm Mark.
I'm Topher.
And we have a special guest.
Felicity.
Oh, hello.
And you are from Utah?
Utah, yeah.
Well, Wyoming, Utah.
Wyoming, Utah. Okay.
And you are?
I'm Ashley Ortsky.
Okay.
Yes.
Well, very nice to meet you both.
We should get you a chair.
Thank you for having us.
We're happy to meet you.
Let me grab another chair.
Yeah, yeah, there's plenty of chairs over there.
We're here on a work trip.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, we're recruiters from Rocky Mountain University.
Oh, excellent.
Are you going to be here for the draft next week or not?
No.
Oh, that's too bad.
Does anyone need the headphones to hear themselves or not?
Okay.
All right.
Well, I have something here that I found pretty interesting.
There's a new trend in dating.
So we try to do a lot of stuff for younger people, the trends and all that.
Because we're so old.
Yeah, yeah.
We try to stay relevant by doing this.
So, okay, so there's this new trend in dating and it's like cheap dating because inflation
and most people at that point are working fast food or something and really can't afford
that much.
So anyhow, what it is, is rental truck dating.
And that's where you rent a truck and you go out on a date.
Like a rental truck?
Yeah.
Okay.
Wow, we should try that.
Yeah, it sounds cool the way that they described it.
So in celebration of their one year wedding anniversary in July, New York newlyweds Jessica
Johnson 29 and the husband Dom Rand 34 decided to take a trip they'd never forget.
And it went viral in the process.
Rather than book an overpriced flight during one of the most chaotic travel summers on
record.
Yeah, we can vouch for that.
Yeah, that was pretty chaotic.
Or waste money on expensive Ubers to take a chance on a restaurant battling it out with
inflation and staff shortages.
The couple rented a U-Haul pickup truck for $19.95 and went tailgating at the local drive-in.
The social media savvy Johnson who works for a small coffee startup, okay, there we go,
posted a video.
So he didn't have any money, we know this.
Posted a video of the couple's cheap night out racking up 1.4 million views on TikTok.
So now he might have about 20 bucks.
My husband and I are always looking for unique out of the box date ideas.
Johnson from the western New York town of drunk Kirk, Dunk Kirk, not drunk Kirk.
I added the R.
I like drunk Kirk better.
Okay, drunk Kirk.
I'm imagining Captain Kirk drunk on the bridge of the enterprise right now.
Well, he used to, I don't know if he still does, he's like 90 but he used to drink quite
a bit.
There's the famous photos of him like lying down with no shirt all smashed and stuff like
that.
So we went renting a U-Haul, grabbing some snacks and catching a double movie marathon
at a drive-in theater and would be a really fun way to spend our first wedding anniversary.
And they showed it like what people are doing is they're going to a movie, going to different
places and then going to the beach and having a picnic in this rental truck.
They just go tailgate there and it's become a thing because that's what this social media
guy started doing and he just put it all online and now you know 1.4 million later, probably
2 or 3 million by now since it hit the press.
Well it kind of makes sense because renting a moving truck is cheaper than renting a car.
Yeah, 1995 when you rent a car, Jesus by the time.
30, 40 bucks more to get a decent one.
The thing is when you go like the Priceline or something, well you guys probably know
this because you're from out of town.
You go and you rent a car and it's like 20 bucks a day, no big deal.
By the time they get done with all the local taxes and everything, they're filling the
car up, it's like a hundred and some dollars a day.
So rent this 1995 U-Haul.
I've actually seen that a lot on TikTok.
People would be like, we went on vacation to so and so place and rental cars were too
expensive so we just rented a U-Haul.
I think it's pretty smart.
I think that's a great idea.
It really is.
You can carry everything you need, see a lot of tons of room.
Nobody behind you at the theater, the drive-in theater can see the screen but you have to
park in the back row.
Or you can just be a complete dick and park in the front row.
Set up lawn chairs on top of the truck, box it.
Just be like a concert where the tallest bastards are always in the front.
It's like wait a minute, there's a tall section back there.
I think concerts should be set up like that.
I think so too.
Yeah, as a short person I struggle in that space.
I mean if I want to see a band on the Jumbotron, I'll stay at home and watch it or go to the
movie and watch it.
I don't want to go to a concert hall and put up with all the idiots and watch it on the
Jumbotron.
Yeah, it's a struggle.
I'm going to go grab Topher's coffee but go ahead and just keep going.
I've been noticing lately the term influencer seems to be kind of dropping out of use.
It used to be the hot word, this is an influencer, influencer this, that.
I'm guessing that a lot of people anymore don't like the idea that they're watching
an influencer.
That they don't like that, oh I'm being influenced, they're telling me what to do.
It was good for a while but I think anymore people are more like, well no one told me
to do this, no one influenced me to do it.
So the influencer changing their name to content creators, entertainers, and even social media
platforms themselves.
Oh thank you.
And like the news, they don't use the term influencer anymore.
They say TikToker or YouTuber.
Creator.
Yeah, content creator.
So the term influencer I think is becoming kind of a dirty word anymore.
It is because people that are influencers, people think of people like Jackson Mahomes,
like if you guys are familiar, he's a complete, in our opinion, a complete idiot that does
stupid things, like he's done so many numerous stupid things that and he is called an influencer
because he's someone's brother.
He's our quarterback's brother.
So he has no talent at all that anyone can really see.
You know, unless it's Yodlin or something.
You know, he just, you know.
Taking the power back from them.
And influencers have kind of gotten, I mean that's the name you give to somebody who shows
up at a restaurant and demands free food in exchange for exposure and then throws a tantrum.
I mean that's what people think of when they think influencers.
So the word has become kind of bad news.
The old term for that was food critic.
Yeah.
We had very famous food critics in town that used to do that.
They go in and go, I want some food for free and I'm going to review your restaurant.
And a lot of them were like, nah, you know what, you're going to pay for it.
Otherwise we don't care.
Yeah.
We're going to go out for some papers around town and you know, and it's kind of like it
was, what would you call it?
A ransom fee really.
Yeah.
Extortion.
Yeah, extortion.
South Park did a real good episode on that.
If you've ever seen that one.
Everyone was doing Yelp reviews.
And everyone was walking into all the restaurants and oh, by the way, I'm a Yelp reviewer.
So if you want five stars, you better try out the good stuff right now.
And all the restaurants in town were just like bending over backwards to try to give
everyone everything and realizing that they were going broke in the process.
However, Google does work Google reviews because I've gotten that before and I've gotten my
wrong writing several times.
Well, one thing was, I just bought my Jeep this couple of years ago and it was brand
new and the battery went out the following week.
And I'm like, wait a minute, you buy a brand new car, what do they do?
Switch these batteries out.
That is what they do.
I was in there getting, so I had to have it towed to where I bought it from, which is
way out in Blue Springs.
So and I'm way to the south.
So it's a long ways to be towed to.
So anyway, I had it towed there because battery went out.
Okay.
So I get in there and I'm like, you know what, I think my battery ought to be free and the
tow ought to be paid for because you guys sold me a brand new car with a lemon battery.
I know what you guys did.
You know, it didn't come off a lot in this condition.
You guys switched it out.
And you did, you thought the battery is going to last a couple of months, what you did.
And, and then I couldn't say anything.
And I said, no, it lasted like, you know, four days.
So anyhow, he calls up the guy that sold me the car and I heard the guy in front of it
goes, no, no, I refuse to do it.
He bought the car as in that's the way it is.
I said, all right.
So I'm like, no problem.
So while I'm sitting there in their lobby, I'm writing a Google review and I'm using
their names to the guy that sold me the car.
His first name was Chase.
I said, Chase so and so said, no, I heard him on the phone.
And I think this is a shoddy business practice.
So actually I was right here.
I was getting a coffee.
All of a sudden I get a phone from blue Springs like, I wonder what this is about.
Hey, Mark, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.
Oh yeah.
Really?
You don't say.
Yeah.
It almost didn't do it.
Almost said, you know what?
No, no, I paid for it.
No, but they sent me a check back in the mail and they gave me a couple of free oil changes,
which I didn't even use because I don't trust the people at this time.
I just went to my regular place because they probably rearrange something.
Like your filter story that you told me the other day.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Jiffy lube.
Yeah.
I took my car to a jiffy lube and they come trotting in with the air filter.
It's like, look how dirty your air filter is.
Really, we need to change that.
And I said, it's funny because I changed that yesterday with a brand new one.
I've seen that.
Back out.
Yeah.
There's been times I've waited for me to get my oil changed and every single customer
that they check out ahead of me, they always say like, oh, you need a new air filter.
And it's, they say it every time.
Yeah.
Everyone does.
Oh yeah, yeah.
I'm sure there's an incentive for the people.
Like they get a percentage of it.
Like, you know, so I'm sure there's some sort of incentive.
So that makes them do it.
They're like, you know, I get three bucks off of this oil filter.
So yeah.
And yeah, I get sick of that.
And then another time I bought a chainsaw on Amazon, but it was a third party seller.
And this is before I realized about the third party sellers and how they do things.
So I went back to Amazon and I go, you got to contact this company.
And I kept trying to call it.
I could never get through this.
I'm like, all right.
So I wrote a review saying, Hey, this stuff is junk.
I just bought this, you know, this chainsaw and it won't start and everything is leaking
oil and all that.
So I get some lady, I couldn't hardly understand sound like from India or something.
And she said something about, did you buy a chainsaw here recently?
I'm like, yeah, I did.
And she goes, well, we're going to race send you a new one.
Okay, great.
And she goes, but when you first take down your Google review.
Sure.
And I got to keep the old chainsaw, which I had fixed.
So I have two of them now.
One more and you can juggle.
Yeah.
That sounds like fun.
What could go wrong with that?
Not a thing.
Party tricks.
The South Park episode with the influencers ended with everybody in town being an influencer.
So the restaurants had to give everybody in town special service, which of course means
nobody was getting special service.
But in the end, the restaurants all got together and decided how they were going to handle
the influencers.
And they had a big musical number to finish the episode.
And it showed all the influencers food being prepared.
And the basic theme was enjoy your meals of boogers and come and show them wiping their
nose on the pizza.
And they showed a guy taking a crap in somebody's bowl of soup.
It's like, enjoy your food influencers.
I've been seeing a lot of like influencing on Tik Tok.
Like Google talk about things that like have become like so hyped up and like everyone's
been like buying and they're like, I want to de-influence you against this.
Like this thing actually sucks.
Like everyone keeps talking about this, but this is the reality of it.
It's not actually that great.
Yeah.
And a lot of the original ads promoting it were paid for by the manufacturer.
Yeah.
You're just watching another commercial in another form.
Yeah.
Which is so true.
We do this weird thing called alternatives insults.
So like if you're mad at somebody and you're in public place or just to screw with them,
you call them something like an inanimate object, even though I can't speak like, you're
a picnic table.
Like everyone's like, what the hell?
Insults you can use in front of your mom.
Yeah.
So we've been doing this weekly and we've been coming up with just stuff that, you know,
if you say it forceful enough, it really sounds horrible.
Like this one guy that I knew, I used to call him a banister and he hated it.
I go, yeah, he's like, you're a banister.
And he'd be like, the hell?
He wouldn't know how to come back to that.
And if I was really mad at him, I call him a wooden banister.
That really set him off.
I go, I am not.
I go, what's wrong with that?
You help people like walk, you know, they don't, they steady themselves.
I go, there's nothing wrong with it.
Totally legitimate, you know, line of work, you know, being a banister.
I don't see what the problem is.
Why are you so upset about that?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not upset about that.
I'm just like, I'm not upset about that.
I don't know, just doesn't sound right.
I don't know, you know.
It's the way you said it, man.
It's just her.
I said it excitingly, you're a banister.
I love that.
Yeah.
So anyhow, we've been coming up with stupid crap just to say, you know, just so.
Okay.
The first one, and I don't know if you all will remember this group or not, Hanson's
setlist.
Oh.
You're not even Hanson, you're not even their songs.
You're their setlist that sat on the floor while they looked at it and said, hey, we'll
do Umbach next, okay, you know, or whatever.
And actually the setlist was more of the list of the songs that were pre-recorded and going
to play in the background for them to lip sync to on stage.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
It's not like they'd actually play any of them.
No, no.
And they probably didn't even sing them either.
They just didn't get caught.
Yeah.
So.
Millie Vanilli was not the only one.
No, no, no.
They were just the ones that got caught and got strung up over it.
But yeah, everybody like, yeah.
Next one, Kale Sellsman.
Now we've had this thing about kale.
We make fun of kale eaters and say that they're fakes and we swear up and down that kale was
a trick on man.
Someone put it out there to see if people would buy it and he goes, hey, look at this,
man.
And what did you say kale was?
I forgot.
It originated from the wild mustard plant.
Really?
And it was cultivated into several different things.
The wild mustard is the basic plant and by selective cultivation you can get it to make
broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, Brussels sprouts, and kale.
And I think there's one more.
But they're all basically the wild mustard plant.
And it's just the way it's been cultivated and grown.
Yeah, so people eat kale or eating mustard.
They just don't know.
So you can honestly say that God did not create kale.
No.
He created the wild mustard plant.
Humans screwed around with it and made kale out of it.
Probably through some bizarre midnight ritual involving black cats and blood of a toad or
something.
Yeah, yeah, and dead babies, I'm pretty sure.
However they made kale, it was God bound to be unnatural.
Yes, kale is from the pit of hell.
Satan helped create it and that's his choice of vegetable in hell, is kale.
Kale was developed and cultivated before Christ, before the Christian era.
So I think kale was one of the sins that Jesus died on the cross.
I think you're right.
And also in hell there's a special, from what I understand, I mean there's no way to prove
it, you know.
And then when you can prove it, it's too late.
Anyhow, there's a kale room if you're really bad, like serial killers and you know, child
molesters and stuff like that, they have to go to the kale room.
Liability lawyers.
Liability lawyers, yes.
They're first actually.
Yeah.
They're like, okay, bring the molester, bring the, oh wait a minute, that's a lawyer, bring
him through.
So then the next one, I love this one because if you say it really forcefully it sounds
horrible.
Call someone a plastic bag.
My go-to is calling someone a trash bag.
A trash bag is great.
Now however, I have been a trash bag in New Orleans because I had this black leather coat
and I was in New Orleans with some friends years ago and I passed out, I could not figure
out the room key and I passed out right in front of the door.
Well our friends were right next to us in the room next to us and Steve was so messed
up that he thought I was a trash bag and then I got laughed at because you know, they found
me like the next morning right there and he goes, oh my god, he goes, I was so fucked
up, I thought he was a trash bag.
So that was a legitimate experience.
Yes it was.
So I was a trash bag one night and I accepted.
It's always a bad idea to be the first one to pass out though.
Well at least I didn't do around everybody and he thought I was a trash bag so he couldn't
do anything.
So he couldn't like saw off my eyebrows or you know, draw something on me.
The worst he could have done was take you out in the alley and drop you off by the dumpster.
Oh that would not be a good idea in New Orleans.
No.
I remember the first time I was in New Orleans I woke up really early because we were going
on a cruise, me and a bunch of friends and I saw them actually washing down the French
quarter was soaking.
I'm like how bad is this place going to be when you got to soap it up every morning.
Wow.
A lot of body fluids.
Wow.
That's good they do that.
This next one is interesting, I love it.
You got to say all of it with force without screwing it up like I do.
Chip saucer for cat milk.
A chip saucer for cat milk.
Yeah, you imagine that like you're really mad at someone and you go you're a chip saucer
for cat milk.
See a picture of a little crazy cat lady.
I guess it would be a crazy cat dude too.
Yeah, yeah, there are some.
That sounds like something Ted Lasso would say.
Yeah, yeah it is something he would say.
Chip saucer for cat milk.
Yeah I love that one.
Man that show was brilliant.
It was so good.
And he's from Kansas City coincidentally.
He just realized that yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah he shows up at a lot of baseball games and especially football games.
He was at the parade.
Yeah he's a good guy.
I know people went to school with him and his parents they say they're all good people.
This next one I love a lot, yard sale.
Call someone a yard sale.
They're not a Macy's, they're not even a Walmart.
They're just a yard sale.
They have like the little tapes with like five cents and ten cents on them.
I got a guy at work I'm gonna call a yard sale.
Yeah, that's good.
Tuesday I'm gonna go you're a yard sale.
Maybe call them a mattress tag.
A mattress tag is bad.
Yeah, that would have been more fun like 20 years ago and people still thought it was
illegal to take them off.
Oh I know.
And then they realize oh it's only illegal for the other people to take them off.
Now the distributors can't take the tags off.
A person who owns it can take the tag off all day.
But everyone's like that.
But it used to be common, you know commonly held belief you took that tag off the police
is showing up at your door.
There used to be you know whole comedy bits about somebody tearing the tag off and immediately
the spotlights come on.
People bust in the window with machine guns.
So it would have been more fun back then.
Oh yeah definitely a Macy's.
This next one I love, torn canvas.
So you're not even new canvas.
You've got like holes in them.
You've probably been sitting there.
You've probably faded from the sun.
You've been sitting out for a long time covering a barbecue grill.
Oh wow.
That's a good one.
Here's one that's a little more explicit.
I could call someone a rolled up playboy.
You know what those are used for.
Yeah yeah.
Oh and roll them.
Oh low blow.
But you haven't said a single cuss word so.
Yeah that's right.
You see that it's an automatic stay away.
I'm walking this way.
Why?
Rolled up playboy.
Oh shit.
It turned around.
This next one.
Anal bleach.
Oh.
It's pretty bad.
Yeah that's cool.
Oh man.
You're not even bleached for hair.
Wow how about anal bleach tech.
Oh my god there's gotta be because they do it.
That's probably a plastic surgiment.
No I don't know.
No no no.
It's probably somebody getting minimum wage.
Working for tips.
Oh yeah yeah that's probably right.
Forty hours a week Monday through Friday.
It's like bleach one after the other.
After all they all become the same asshole.
I can just see that.
Next.
I told you pants down ass up.
I don't want to see your face.
Come on.
Oh that is your ass.
Oh my apologies.
The next one.
Off colored toe ring.
Yeah a toe ring is pretty sexy but an off colored toe ring.
Yeah it looks like it's been in the mud.
Maybe a little salt on it.
Maybe you went out to get your paper in your sandals when it was a little muddy outside
or maybe some.
There's like a little blade of grass wedged under it sticking up at a weird angle.
Anything with toes is not going to do.
I'm with you on that.
I don't even like looking at them because they're so crazy looking.
If you really examine a toe it's insane looking.
But you know the rest of the world doesn't really call them toes.
They call them foot fingers.
Foot fingers.
We have fingers and we have foot fingers.
In Spanish that's literally what it translates to.
Let's just start calling them foot fingers.
I think foot fingers are an awesome word.
Every time we do the podcast if we're referring to toes it's got to be foot fingers.
There we go.
My son Lewis once described toes as stubby little nightmares.
He thought they were the most horrible and the awful thing.
He didn't even look at his own toes.
He's like put a sock on.
Cover those up.
Let's see the next one clumpy salt.
So you're not even good salt.
You're not like salt in a Morton container or shaker.
Yeah that little Morton girl with the yellow slicker and umbrella she's nowhere to be found.
No no.
Do they still even have that on them?
Their slogan when it rains it pours.
So when it's raining outside your salt will still pour because it will clump.
Oh yeah that's right.
That's where it came from.
It's probably because they've added an extra ingredient that keeps it from clumping.
It probably gets in your body and keeps your body from clumping.
Whatever that means.
Yeah whatever you clump.
I have no idea how you clump but you won't clump.
One octave lead singer.
Oh David Lee Roth.
Yeah very famously.
Alice Cooper.
Yeah.
He's got a very limited range.
Yeah.
You got any singers in mind that's like one octave and pretty much just sings the same
way constantly?
I don't know.
Who's a good monotone singer?
Oh Neil Young.
He's a good monotone singer.
Yeah Neil Young's a good one.
But you guys probably don't know anyone who we're talking about right now.
Yeah.
I know Neil Young.
Oh okay.
Yeah I think one octave singers won't really make it anymore.
You could in the 70s but now more is demanded.
So if you are a one octave singer they fake it or if you don't have the right look they
just don't give you a fine song.
Well I mean shows like American Idol and The Voice have really kind of made it that way
because everybody on that show has to have range and octave otherwise they're not even
going to be there in the first place.
So that one octave deal is pretty much gone anymore because people are accustomed to really
talented people singing.
Well for the most part.
That's bad that they're putting filters between us and the new music coming out.
I want to hear everything and decide what I like.
I don't want a bunch of executives saying okay we're not even going to process this
so this is all we're giving everybody and they can pick what they like out of that.
No I want everything.
I want to be able to pick and choose and I like artists that never make a dime and hardly
ever sell any records but they still make great music.
Well I feel like a lot of the more popular singers that have been up and coming lately
are all just like industry plans.
It's like you're not even becoming popular because of your talents because of your personality
or the style that you have or how it's going to be marketed to young people or whatever.
It's all just fake.
It is all fake.
I agree and then whatever they can't sing someone else will including in concert.
Everybody voice tracks anymore and it's not a big deal.
It's kind of accepted.
I mean Motley Crue has been caught over and over playing pre-recorded tracks.
Yeah.
Guitar, vocal, drums.
I saw the video of a drum track, drum tech working on Tommy Lee's kit and Tommy Lee was
standing over here reciting.
The drums started playing and he's standing over here just holding a stick and then he
pushes the tech out of the way, sits down and then starts faking along.
He's not even playing live in concert anymore because it's all about the experience not
the authenticity.
He probably can't even play anymore.
He wouldn't fright himself so much.
He probably has no idea what a drum is.
He can make the motions because I watch him and I can tell he's making the motions of
what he's playing but if he's not hitting correctly it's going to sound like crap which
is probably how it sounds.
He can make the physical motions to play the drum licks but his stick control is shot.
His hands are too numb.
He's complained about that for years.
There's one tour he had to duct tape the sticks to his hands because he couldn't hang on to
them.
Well he actually quit the band because of that for a while but then the band went downhill
when he left so they brought him back and now they're just dubbing everything.
Everything is like pre-recorded.
The image is primary.
I mean the image of the original guys.
It's what they've been building on.
Now they're dumping Mick Mars.
Now they're trying to dump Vince Neil again.
It's not going to be Motley Crue.
It's going to be Nicky and Tommy.
I got their answer.
They need to change the name.
That's all there is to it because it's not Motley Crue.
They never will though.
No they won't because.
They make too much money off the name.
That's right.
That's the music industry and that's how come I don't really care for it so much.
Do you guys remember a band from the 60's called the Monkees?
I think I've heard of them.
They were when the Beatles got big.
Somebody decided they wanted American versions so they went Beatles, oh Monkees.
They went out and auditioned for four guys to form this fake band called the Monkees.
They found guys, a couple of them could sing but most of them really couldn't play.
They gave them a TV show as if they were a fully formed band and famous already.
Everybody believed they were.
Everybody bought into it.
They started putting out albums.
Of course everybody else played on the album.
Then they'd go on tour and try to fake along with their own songs which they'd never written
and didn't know how to play.
It was kind of a disaster.
It was one of the first completely made up bands.
They were assembled, put together, structured.
They knew how to promote them.
Nothing organic about it but they were presented as four guys who just got together and made
this band.
They were three friends.
In a couple of years they outsold the Beatles, the Who, the Rolling Stone.
All of them put together, they outsold all of them in two years span when they were huge.
The teeny boppers loved them.
I'd sit down and watch their Saturday morning TV show because it was like a live action
cartoon.
They had all these band scenarios and stuff.
It was actually very entertaining.
It was fun to watch.
Everybody thought they were a real band that could act.
Actually, no.
They were brought together by record producers and talent searchers and that was it.
Totally manufactured band.
That was over 50 years ago.
They've been doing it forever.
I love the music.
The music is just simple stuff that just sounds good, catchy.
What you call it, ditties or toe tappers.
It's actually really good.
It's just I don't know who ever made it.
They had a lot of really good songwriters working on some of their... I think Dave
Clark wrote some of their stuff.
I think Last Train to Clarksville was written by Dave Clark.
It was.
Yeah.
A lot of other people, a lot of hit makers wrote their music.
That's still what's done with a lot of musicians or singers today is they don't write any of
their own stuff.
They're not necessarily singer songwriters.
They're performers like Justin Timberlake, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry.
They don't write any of their music.
It's all written for them.
A lot of country stars don't write any of their music.
Somebody finds a song, says, hey, this will work for you.
It fits your mood and your style.
They buy the song.
The person sings it.
It's being hit.
Yeah.
Then they bask in the credit for, look at this great song I made.
No.
Yeah.
I mean, I could play along with Stairway to Heaven, but I wouldn't claim it in my song
just because I played along with somebody else's hit.
It's not my music.
Yeah.
Those people are making crazy amounts of money.
Look at Taylor Swift.
She went from country to now mainstream.
I'm relatively sure she doesn't write anything anymore.
It's all good.
She actually writes most of her music.
Does she really?
She does.
Wow, that's great.
Good for her.
Yeah.
Well, she's very talented, and she deserves what she gets.
Yeah.
Okay.
I mean, she has co-writers, but a lot of her, pretty much all, she's written on all of her
albums.
Really?
And a lot of them are mostly written by her.
But she's not the norm.
She's the rarity.
Yeah.
She really is.
No, it's true.
But a lot of other people, like Justin Bieber, he's not really writing his songs.
No.
He never was.
He was contrived.
Yeah.
Next one, Acid-E Pizza Sauce.
Isn't that the worst?
Acid-E Pizza Sauce.
I know.
The overly sweet pizza sauce is pretty nasty, too.
What's worse?
You got some nice Italian sausage and pepperoni and a black olive, and then the sauce is like
raspberry jam.
Yeah, true.
Yeah, that is horrible.
I might prefer the more acidic ones with the sweet on it.
I probably would, too, because I, you know, it's just when it has that bitter taste because
it's so acidic.
You can tell it's like cheap canned tomatoes, you know, that kind of dissolve the can.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
I think that's where the acidity comes from.
Good point.
That might be worse.
Back in the early days when you'd buy a can of V8, they didn't have the lined cans, so
the longer it sat on the shelves, the more it would eat away the inside of the can.
I remember.
Everybody would look at the cans at the store, and if it looked a little bit old or rusty,
because they were steel then, so they rusted.
You could see the rust eating through to the outside.
Yeah, so you take this and put it back in the back and grab the newer one.
What about calling someone a rusty V8 can?
Oh, I like that.
That's a good one.
I have my pen on me.
Write that down.
Yeah, write that down.
Rusty V8.
Rusty V8 can.
Oh, wait a minute, we're on air.
Okay, the next one.
Do you know what the next one is?
A rusty V8 can.
Oh.
It's on air immediately.
I forgot.
Who came up with that?
Yeah, that's a great one.
That's a good one.
Oh my gosh.
We better take off, but this has been fun.
Yeah, okay.
Thank you for letting us join you.
Yeah, absolutely.
It's been great.
Well, enjoy your time in town, okay?
Enjoy Kansas City.
Happy to hear about it.
Get you that dot on the map.
Yeah, we appreciate that.
When are you guys going back?
Today.
Oh, today.
Yeah, I was going to tell you some places to go to.
Oh, we've been partying for both of you.
We've been having fun.
We've been partying for about five days.
Awesome.
So much good barbecue food.
Yeah, Joe's changed my life.
Joe's is awesome.
Did you go to Q39?
Yep, we went there yesterday.
Okay, Jack Stack?
Went there also, yeah.
Gates.
No.
Yeah, you know what?
Gates has went downhill so much, you're probably better off.
Go near Bryant's.
No, Bryant's used to be great, but...
But it's garbage now in my opinion, so...
So what do you think of the new airport?
We liked it a lot.
We liked it.
Yeah, it's nice.
We thought it was really good.
I liked that all those rings that light up.
It was really cool.
I haven't been in there yet because I have to buy a ticket somewhere in order to get
past the security, so...
Yeah, I'd change that too.
I haven't been in there yet because the vacation we did have planned kind of got put on hold,
so in August I'll get to see it.
But the thing that I don't like is to get to all the cool areas you have to have a flight.
They don't have...
In unsecured areas, barely nothing.
It's like a Dunkin' Donuts and you can get that anywhere, so...
Yeah.
Yeah, I never saw the airport what it was like before.
Never saw it, but...
Good thing.
That's what I heard.
I heard it was a little rough, but...
A lot of narrow horseshoes that just kind of near...
I mean, it's great because it's virtually one of the only international airports where
you just almost just walk in immediately and go straight to the line and just get through
it.
Yeah, I feel like it's a very seamless experience.
Well, I mean, we've only arrived.
We haven't departed, but that was good.
Okay, so are you guys Ubering or taxiing there?
We have a rental.
Oh, okay.
That's good.
Yeah.
Okay, good.
It's been great to be here, though.
Yeah, you too.
This city is lovely.
Yeah, come back and see us.
We got plenty to do here.
It's a fun city.
Yeah, we love it.
Go Chiefs.
Yeah.
Yay.
Try to avoid the hottest part of the summer.
It's not so much fun.
Yeah.
I would avoid like July and August.
Actually, right now is one of the best times you would come here, or during the fall when
the leaves are changing.
Yeah.
We do want...
We thought that the fall would be really beautiful.
Yeah.
And if you ever are here and you have a little bit of time during the fall, southern Missouri,
the mountains and the leaves are insane.
Mark Twain National Forest.
Yes.
Yep.
You can come and see it even in Arkansas if you want to if you have enough time, like
Eureka Springs areas.
Table Rock, Buffalo River.
I've heard some tales of Eureka Springs.
Beautiful.
Yeah, isn't it?
Yeah.
Go there during the fall.
Man, that thing.
It's something else.
All the leaves changing.
Yeah.
Don't be fooled by Excelsior Springs.
Okay.
Eureka Springs is the good one in Arkansas.
Yeah.
Excelsior Springs was a tourist trap north of Kansas City.
They kind of had some hot springs and they built baths there.
It was popular like the 40s.
Yeah, that's like the home of serial killers.
If there's a serial killer around, they lived there at one point.
Excelsior Springs is kind of an avoidance territory.
Eureka Springs is good.
I know a real idiot from Excelsior Springs anyhow.
I used to work with him.
Yeah.
So yeah, they're all...
We avoid him.
Yeah, don't trust him.
Don't trust him.
Too much lead in the groundwater.
Check their hard drives.
That's all I gotta say.
All right.
Thanks so much, guys.
Thanks so much for having us.
Thank you for joining us.
Thank you.
Have a great flight.
Thanks for having us.
Say hi to Utah for us.
We will.
Did you get it nonstop?
Yes.
Yay.
All right, smart.
Great idea.
Have a good one.
That was excellent right off the bat.
That was.
We got visitors.
Yeah.
Let's see, the next one.
Dry mouth.
Oh, yeah.
That's bad.
Dry mouth is horrible, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Think of all the times where the dry mouth would really be inconvenient.
Oh, yes.
There's a bunch of them, isn't there, that you want to lick a stamp?
Yeah.
You're trying to whistle?
Can't do it.
That's right.
You're trying to swallow a pill?
It's hard to talk with a dry mouth, too, because that's part of my deal.
Can I take a quick selfie?
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
There are some pugs.
There are some pugs barking at a real dog.
Oh, look at this.
Greyhound.
Yeah, beautiful.
See, oh, another situation where a dry mouth would be awful.
You're trying to give oral pleasure to your lady.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You'd be fumbling.
Everything would be sticking.
It's like Velcro tongue.
Hey, how you doing?
How you doing?
Am I interrupting?
No, no, no.
If you've got anything you want to talk about, feel free.
Sure.
Man, everybody's talking.
We need to come down on the Sunday morning more often.
Yeah, we do.
I still have the mic on the white field.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Joey.
I'm Mark.
Nice to meet you, Mark.
Very nice to meet you.
I'm Drake.
I'm Toper.
Nice to meet you, Toper.
Joey and Drake.
Nice to meet you guys.
How you guys doing today?
We're doing good.
We're two deuce bags and a microphone.
Okay.
Hey, how just feel free to talk.
Do you come down here often and do podcasts?
Yes, we do.
Yep.
About once a week.
Yeah.
We come down, do three or four hours.
It's a cool idea.
It's a great idea.
Do people sit down with you?
Yeah.
We like it.
We love it.
So what you guys out doing?
Coffee.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
Starting the day.
Yeah.
How you guys doing?
What you guys talking about before we interrupted?
We were talking about alternative swear words or alternative insults.
The kind of insults you can say in front of your grandmother or in church?
Yeah.
Like calling someone a toenail would force.
Calling them a what?
A toenail.
A toenail?
You toenail?
Yeah.
Like a commercial with the lady.
Yeah.
You're a liquor.
Yeah.
Like that.
Like commercial friendly insults.
That's a liquor.
That's actually a fantastic example of what we're talking about.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
That's a liquor.
I'm trying to think.
Do I have any?
Most of my insults are bad.
I use lint liquor.
I literally use that because of that commercial.
Lint liquor.
That's literally because of that commercial.
That was such an iconic commercial.
We had a couple of girls who were guests a little earlier.
One of them said her go-to insult is calling someone a trash bag.
Yeah.
That's so disrespectful.
A trash bag.
That's so disrespectful.
You're not only, you're not just trash.
You're what the trash goes into.
Exactly.
You're what the trash is in.
It gets worse.
Oh yeah.
Me and my girlfriend, we had this thing where we called each other like bobinis.
Bobinis?
Because it rhymes with meanie.
Oh.
She's kind of childish.
I'm childish too.
But now it's like it's a playful insult.
Yeah.
You bobinis?
Nobody wants to be a bobinis.
Or a bozo.
We call it bozos with mums.
If I don't like somebody, but I'm still trying to be clean, I'm going to call them a bozo.
I love bozo because I always think of the big red nose.
Bozo the clown.
Yeah.
And the bozo ring.
Have their little honker.
I want a clown nose just for therapy.
Whenever I'm feeling bad, just squeeze it.
You get a little laugh.
You can't have a bad bozo.
You can't have a bad day if you got a clown nose on.
Oh, for sure.
Yeah, you have a bad day, put the clown nose on.
You're like, ha ha ha.
You can have a bad day.
I'm going to keep that in my notes.
Yeah.
You can't have a bad day if you have a clown nose on.
Or like the boss calls you into the office, slip your clown nose on.
You can't get fired.
I just thought you can't.
What you think.
You come in and he goes, well, what's good about you?
He just walks in and the boss has on the clown nose too.
So he's ready for you.
You're like, I came to counter your clown nose.
For both clowns, I'll fire you clown.
I'll fire you too.
I'll fire you clown.
You don't understand, a clown touched me when I was fired.
So you're fired.
He said, oh, shit.
He said, well, that kept my whole job.
Well, it does that one.
The two douchebags are getting very dark here.
I was touched by a clown.
That was crazy.
Sorry, I was doing devil's advocate and got you.
You got me.
I was doing devil's advocate and got carried away.
Are y'all from Kansas City?
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
You have more race?
Well, I've lived to everyone really.
I lived in Greece because that's where my mom's from.
You lived in Greece?
Yeah, in Canada.
How was that?
Odd.
Because I was like 10 years old and I didn't really understand the language and my relatives,
you know, they used to come up to me, try to talk to me.
I felt like an idiot because I'd be like, hi.
And being a kid too, I could see that.
Yeah, yeah.
It was.
No offense.
They probably thought you were an idiot.
They probably were.
That Mark guy, he smiled.
Why do you always say how he is?
He can't speak.
Never is anything the same.
He smiles and says that one thing we don't understand.
Coming from Kansas City to Greece, definitely same thing.
It was not traumatic.
It was a lovely experience because it was so different.
It was a lovely experience and I remember it to this day so well.
But I wish I was a little older and had time to repair like, hey, we're going to move to
Greece.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, so.
Learn how to say hi.
Yeah, brush up on it.
Well, I know how to say hi now, which she also.
Yeah, yeah.
And I learned all the words while I was there.
But then when I left, I'd been further and further away from it.
I know the buzzwords and that's it now.
I don't actually, because we were there a year and a half and about after a half year,
it's weird how you simulate to to their way of doing things so easy.
You don't even understand that you're doing it.
You know, yeah.
It's like code switching.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And then I look back and I'm like, you know, I did know the language for a while.
And then when I was over here, I didn't know the language so well.
It was a very odd experience.
And you said this is family.
Yeah.
Family.
So you can go back any time you want.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, we got one planned in maybe three years, two years, because we're going to have my
cousins from Canada going along with us because they go more often than we.
Well, I haven't been there a long time, but we're all going to go together on a huge trip
and probably take a Mediterranean cruise while we're there.
Oh, my cruise.
Because yeah, while you're over there, I tell everybody, if you go there, don't just go
to Greece, go to Italy, go to Spain, go to all the other places because you're going
to want to go there.
They're all very unique.
Although a lot of the places and people look very similar, they're all very different.
Sure.
There are different foods, different ways, different things to see, different cultures.
It's really an incredible thing to experience.
So if you're over there, do the whole thing.
Go see it all.
OK.
Sure, yeah.
Or even like the southern coast of the Mediterranean, you're into North Africa, Morocco, Tunisia,
Libya, and it's, you know, the part of Africa north of the Sahara is so different from sub-Saharan
Africa.
The food's different.
The tours are different.
It's really almost like two continents.
I believe that.
It's worth seeing a lot more than just the tourist areas.
Yeah, one of my dreams is to travel the whole world, not just here.
I've been to a lot of places, but I would love to travel the whole world and see everything.
Would that be excellent?
Are you meaning like a consistent month for a two, three month span?
I'm talking like maybe a couple years out and just do it.
OK.
But back in between, but mostly travel the world and go see places that I've always wanted
to see.
I haven't even seen all of America that I want to see, let alone the world.
Yeah, for sure.
There's no time better than now.
Yeah, you're right.
Traveling is so much easier.
The internet makes things easier to know where you're going, have a plan.
Yeah, for sure.
The world is your sandbox.
Yeah.
No, it's true, but also travel deals are insanely cheap anymore.
Remember how high it used to be?
Like, crime peak COVID.
From Kansas City, you can go to LA for like $20.
Yeah, because nobody was on board.
It was crazy.
I went to Chicago in the middle of the pandemic.
You're a dangerous man.
Yeah, yeah.
You live on the edge.
But if you were on the plane, you would think the opposite because the planes are more packed
and it wasn't a pandemic.
There was a seat in front of me, there was a seat behind me, there was a seat next to me.
They were all empty.
So it was just like, that should tell you how many people were on that plane.
You never get that anymore.
Never.
I laid down on the plane.
I laid down on all three seats.
I had them before.
It's a great experience.
We get to lay down.
It was the best flight I ever had.
Man, that's fantastic.
That was in Chicago?
Yeah, it was short.
What were you trying to say?
I said maybe we need more pandemics, but it was peaceful.
She's that dog's dog.
Angry dog.
That's the same ones that were barking at us before.
They're spooking.
Let's get that big dog shit over there.
Yeah.
I mean, if they're like siblings, I guess I respect you because if one barks, I guess we all,
that's the meaning of black dog.
You know what's hilarious?
I have a picture of those dogs that I took at the plaza.
Really?
Yes.
Since the small world.
That's great.
That's crazy.
That is insane.
Yeah, I figured the market would be booming today.
It's going to be a decent day.
It's a little nippy, but it's better than being blazing.
It's a nice balance.
Yeah, exactly.
When it's 110, the market is no fun.
Oh, yeah, it's definitely not.
Especially when you're in here and there's no breeze.
I mean, you're just sitting here sweating.
That's the best thing about it.
I think it's good to get out here early enough and then I can say beat the sun, but it's not
as hot.
You get out here at 7 or 8 o'clock in the morning.
Beat the sun.
For sure.
You'd be here at 11 a.m.
It's terrible.
Yeah.
And also, you get the prime stuff too.
It hadn't been picked up.
Great point.
Yeah.
I could not get a bulldog statue for my brother's grave for a couple of years because every
time I came through, the guy that made the statues over there, it was gone because my
brother loved bulldogs.
Yeah, yeah.
I got here early one morning.
He had like 30 of them.
It was all yours, man.
There we go.
I've been looking for this one specific guy here.
He sells the maza trees.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's usually right there.
I have not.
And I felt bad because when I first met him, my brother cares about him.
I don't really care for the maza trees, but my brother really, really loves them.
So when we first came out, we were talking to him about them and we didn't buy one.
We talked to him for like three weeks.
So I feel like he felt that we were just like wasting his time.
So like the last week, I said, I brought my body for you just because I know you want
it, but it's like 150, so he probably didn't want to spend it.
I said, I brought my body for you.
That's crazy.
And why is he not there?
I came the fourth week and he wasn't there.
He hasn't been here since.
Okay.
He will be here because he's here every year unless something happened to him.
But he's usually about right there, right?
Yeah.
Usually he waits later on in the year when it's nice and warm.
I would say you might see him like the end of May.
And I would hope.
Does he sell, are the bonsai trees there already growing?
Well, so you know that they go through different seasons.
Yeah.
So I believe it depends on which one you get.
But I think it, no, it depends on what month it is because they go through the different
seasons.
Yeah, it's like, it's different seasons too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He also sells like the-
I didn't think about them going through seasons, but that makes sense.
He was telling me, he was like, don't throw it away.
Because you'll think that it died or you'll think that all the leaves will, he was like,
no, that's just how it works.
So keep it, keep water, keep doing it, and they'll come back like a regular tree.
Because it's a regular tree.
It's a regular tree.
I was going to say, did you know bonsai trees are just regular trees?
Yeah.
They just stay small because they grow to the size of the pot with the water.
I didn't know that.
And someone grew an orange tree, but bonsai style.
That's hard.
Oranges were miniature.
It was cool.
Yeah, that's hard.
That's crazy.
That's hard.
You open it up and it's just a seed.
That's a try again.
Grow another one.
He also sells like Venus fly traps and stuff like that too.
It's so cool.
Yeah.
He has all these unique Asian plants that you won't find over here.
I mean, he's really good.
He's an interesting fellow for sure.
He's not here today?
No.
Probably late May is usually when he shows up.
Yeah, probably some cold ones.
That's perfect.
Yeah.
It's my birthday.
Yeah.
Maybe the plants don't do so well being out here in the chillier weather.
I don't know.
I don't know if that has something to do with it.
Well, that would make sense.
Yeah.
Or if they don't look as fulfilling.
I think that's probably it.
They don't look as good because it's off season or whatever.
I wonder what vegans think about Venus fly traps because it's a plant that eats meat.
Insect meat?
Well, you can stick a piece of hamburger in it and it'll eat that.
Yeah.
My mom used to have a Venus fly trap.
She just put a little piece of hamburger in it.
Do they fed it beef?
Do they really eat it?
That's kind of...
Yeah.
They eat it and digest it.
They have a digestive system?
Yeah.
That's kind of nefarious.
I didn't know that.
Isn't it?
Yeah.
Now your Venus fly trap has a taste.
You want to try to get my finger one day?
Yeah.
I smell meat.
Yeah.
Encased in something, but it's meat.
And then there's that one, the pitcher plant.
It grows up like a big tube.
Oh, yeah.
And it has this liquid at the bottom that smells wonderful.
Yeah, he has that.
And insects and small animals will get in and fall down in and then can't climb out in its
digestive juice.
Nature is dark.
Oh, it is?
Not just insects.
We like mice and frogs.
Yeah.
Again, it's a plant eating meat.
Yeah.
Nature's like, come on in.
It smells great here.
Okay.
Do not go to a rainforest.
Oh, no.
For sure.
Or Australia.
Nature will take care of you in both of those places.
He actually has a couple of those, but you've got to get them when he has them, because after
he sells out to two or three he has per year, that's it.
Yeah.
He has those.
Yeah.
And it's really neat because I said...
I'm going to come back and beat the sun so that I can get one of these plants from this
guy.
I have my own little shop of horse.
Yeah.
Like, hey, meet my man eating plant.
Okay.
And actually, I think that guy goes south where it's warmer during the winter and sells
there.
That's probably where he gets a lot of them too.
I think he's saying something about that, about like, oh, I'll be in Louisiana or something
like that.
I don't think he's local.
I'm thinking about it.
I think I told him...
He's not from here.
He just come here to sell?
Maybe.
I don't know, because I know he was in the military.
No, he might be local.
I don't know.
Yeah, he was in the military.
I think he goes somewhere else to sell too.
And for some reason I thought it was to the south.
I can't remember why, but I've talked to that guy numerous times and I bought plants from
him before.
Yeah.
Everyone in my guild.
What all have you bought?
Let's see, it was some sort of a eucalyptus looking tree.
It was from Asia and it had pink flowers on it that was really interesting.
It was in a hanging basket.
It was really pretty.
It lasted two seasons and maybe it wasn't supposed to last anymore.
I don't know.
Yeah.
But I brought it in like I was supposed to.
I fed it and watered it like I was supposed to and everything.
It could have just been its season.
Yeah, it could have ran its course.
Yeah, I don't know how long they were supposed to last or whatever.
They could have ran its course.
That's interesting.
Kind of look like this.
A little bit, but it's a lot pinker.
Pinker than purple.
Yeah.
But it did have the vineys that kind of went down like that.
It had the vineys that hung down and then the pink blooms.
You got it done.
I'm really excited to meet this plant man.
And then I bought some other plants from him that were a little bit more common.
There's some form of a tulip and that still comes up.
Yeah, it's really interesting.
It's a bulb plant of some sort and it looks like a tulip only it's a different type of
a color and the leaves are a little bit thicker and come out at the end.
Really interesting stuff.
My mom had a tree.
It was called a night blooming Sirius.
It was a real spidery looking tree.
Grew inside.
And it would make one flower a year and it would bloom at night over the course of one
night.
And I just happened to be visiting one time when it was blooming and we kept watching
it maybe tonight, maybe tonight and then one night it was like after dinner and there was
like what's that aroma?
And it was the flower was starting to open.
It was really peppery.
It has a strong peppery scent when it blooms?
It was a very strong peppery scent.
That's interesting.
Yeah, it wasn't unpleasant or anything.
And pretty soon when it really started to open just the house was flooded with that
scent.
And then we noticed that the windows were open and just the screens, the screens were
covered with insects.
Every insect within a mile was smelling that.
I was like I want to pollinate that.
It was attracting everything.
It was amazing.
And just we stayed up until like one or two in the morning and it just started to will
fade and the scent went away and then that was it.
Over the course of about eight to ten hours.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
That is interesting.
Where are you from?
I'm originally born in Rochester, New York but my family moved here in 67 so I've pretty
much grown up here.
I'm the only one left.
All the rest of my family went boom everywhere else.
My mom lived in Oregon.
She's passed.
I've got a brother in Washington.
I've got a sister in Florida and my oldest brother is in Cape Town, South Africa.
He and his wife traveled the world for about a year and a half.
Kind of during COVID.
Cape Town is beautiful.
Yeah.
There's a what do they call it?
Sand Cop I think is the initials.
It's a South American, South African coastal bird rescue like penguins, frigates, turtles,
seagulls and stuff.
I remember you telling me that that is really neat.
So they volunteered there.
They volunteered there while they were traveling and now they're back there and they're actually
working as a salary but they take care of penguins and other birds and help rehabilitate
them and turn them back into the wild.
What is that called again?
Sand Cop, S-A-N-C-C-O-B or something like that.
C-O-B-B.
That's really cool.
Yeah.
They went all over the place.
They tried to get to Japan but Japan wasn't letting anybody in during COVID.
There were a couple of places they couldn't get to.
They wound up in Peru.
So Peru, yeah.
There was this village in Peru where they went where it never rains.
I mean absolutely never rains.
And he said every day the sky is blue with dry clouds and it's about 70, 72 degrees and
a little windy.
And it says first it's beautiful but then it's just boring as hell.
And he says you can go downtown and see the corner of a building and there's this giant
orange stain on the side of the building and running into the street.
He said that's where all the dogs pee and it never rains to wash it off.
So that's like 70 years of dogs peeing on that corner.
It just never rains.
And this is Peru?
Yeah.
It just shows you the value of the seasons or our ecosystem.
You would wish, I wish it was just springtime or summertime all year but then you think
like probably not.
All my friends that moved to Florida, I know quite a few people they got old and they wanted
to go where it's warm and not have a cold, they all really missed the seasons.
So then they moved back and became snowblows.
Right after Thanksgiving, boom, they're gone.
My grandmother told me the same thing.
She moved to Arizona when I was like one-ish maybe.
And I went and visited her maybe four or five years ago and she said that.
She loves it.
It's always hot.
It's to the point where I can't buy jackets, not can't buy, I don't buy jackets or I don't
buy jeans because it's like it's always hot.
It's never cool enough to wear them.
That would be so foreign to me like waking up and going, well, let's see the weather,
let's see what I'm going to wear today.
Around here you got to do that.
You have to do that.
And you have to check the weather for like check the time because it will be hot in the
day and rain afternoon.
Well, like the other day in the morning it was great.
By time about five o'clock rolled around it was horrible.
I washed my car that day.
Oh, well, your fault.
Your fault then.
I was washing my car and I said, why the car wasn't packed?
I was thinking that because normally on a great day the car was going to be packed.
And then I checked the weather like that's why the car wasn't packed.
It was raining like an hour.
That's me.
I'd be over there giggling going, I beat him, I beat him.
Yeah.
I'd say, oh, they were the smart ones to check the weather, not me.
It was definitely interesting.
Yeah, we've got my wife and I have a friend that lives in Vegas and she said you really
don't spend any time outside.
You go from the car to the building or whatever.
She said, really what suffers the most in the heat is your car.
It's the tires and dashboards.
Yeah.
They just dry.
Oh, yeah.
They crack.
Yeah, your dashboard is just going to dry up and crack and just lie back in the desert.
I have an auntie who lives in Vegas and she told me that, so I go to Vegas often, but
she told me, she's from Kansas City, that I think it was a snow storm in Vegas maybe
two years ago or something like that.
She was like the whole Vegas shut down.
She was confused because she's from Kansas City.
That's right.
It's just snowed in Vegas.
I remember that.
She was telling me something in Houston.
She was so up.
She shut the city down in Houston.
She was so confused because she liked nothing.
Dallas was nothing.
Yeah, she was like, nothing is open.
She was like, I'm going to go home.
I don't know what to do because they don't have any salt or sand equipment there, so
they literally freak out.
I had a good friend that lived in Dallas for many years in the 90s.
I was coming down for Thanksgiving and I was getting ready to ice that night.
He goes, yeah, you better go get your beer and everything right now.
I go, I'll get it later on.
He goes, no.
They're calling for a little bit of ice tonight.
He said, they'll shut everything down.
I'll go to the 7-Eleven.
No, that will be shut down.
Everything will shut down.
The whole city?
Yeah, I went and got my beer.
Just a little bit of ice.
Yeah, and then maybe like three little grains of ice and the whole city is shut down.
First thing on the news.
If the city doesn't have to spend tax dollars on the equipment for snow and ice, why would
they if they don't get it?
That makes sense why they don't have it.
We get it once every five years.
They're like, we're just going to tough it out.
Exactly.
When my mom originally moved to Portland, Oregon in 1990, the city of Portland had no
snow removal equipment to use and no crews to do it because they never needed it.
But then over the course of her living there over the last 30 years or so, they started
getting more and more snow.
They had to pass bond issues to buy equipment, train people.
Then a few years back, they had one snowstorm there where they got almost 20 inches of snow.
Oh, wow.
This was a town that never got snow.
Yeah.
The climate's changed so much up there to where they do get snow.
Yeah.
They started getting storms and rain and yeah, 34 years ago, it wasn't like that in the Northwest.
It was mostly just rain, right?
Yeah.
You'd have a rainy season, then you'd have a dry season in the winter.
Seattle is like the city of rain.
Yeah.
It was constantly raining.
There was a video game that I played called Heavy Rain.
Heavy Rain?
Yeah, very heavy.
But it took place in Seattle and one of the cool things about it was every scene, it showed
you how much it's raining because that was the big part of the game.
It was just like, man, it really rains out here.
Did they change the difficulty of the game because of how much rain it was?
No, it was just like a fun part of the game.
Oh, it's raining today.
Well, it's raining every day.
Okay, well, it's raining this much today.
Yeah.
That's what I really enjoyed about the movie Blade Runner because it was set in Los Angeles
where it never rains, but in the movie Blade Runner, it was constantly raining.
Constantly raining.
You can tell that it just rains month after month after month and I thought, well, that
was pretty cool to take the sunny LA and turn it into this.
This soapy and steam bunk.
Sad place.
And the funny thing is that that movie took place four years ago in 2019.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Where are the replicants, man?
They promised us replicants.
They were three years behind it.
It rained and rained and rained this year in California.
Well, that's true.
So they actually kind of called it.
Yeah.
I got a point, yeah.
I know this because I was over there and it was pouring rain.
Really?
Yeah.
Long Beach Airport is half outside.
Oh, that's right.
When you're coming back from your cruise.
Yeah.
And we're like, yeah, we're like waiting in line and it's pouring rain on us.
And I'm like, I look at my wife, I go, what the fuck?
There's no rains here.
What the hell are we doing sitting here in the rain?
No canopies because it doesn't rain.
You're not worried about it.
So.
How did the city react?
Like, did the airport stand?
They were pissed.
They're like, I can't believe it's raining so damn much.
It's crazy.
I feel like if I lived in one of those cities, I wouldn't know how to react because you don't
see it.
But since I live here and I hear those stories, it's like, all right, y'all have an airport
that's open.
Yeah.
Well, that's because it doesn't ever rain except if I'm there.
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
So anyhow, I mean, it was okay though.
I mean, it's still a cruise and it's still not air.
Yeah.
I just had to protect my phone.
That was about it.
But I think it's waterproof.
I don't know.
I don't want to find out the hard way.
This fucking thing isn't waterproof.
Yeah.
How was the cruise for you?
By now?
How was the cruise for you?
It was excellent.
The cruise was good.
It was a little cold, but I don't care.
I was on water and I was on insurance.
What cruise line did you go in?
Carnival.
Okay.
Because we're platinum on there.
We're not platinum on anything else.
We don't get perks on anywhere else.
So we just stuck with Carnival.
It was one of the Alaskan cruises?
Oh, we went on Alaskan last year.
How was that?
That was excellent.
God, I'd recommend it to anybody.
Really?
Yeah.
It was fantastic.
I've been on a couple of the warm Carnival cruises.
What's the difference between being on like a tropical one versus the Alaskan one?
Okay.
Well, the Alaskan one, although we went in June and we actually needed shorts in Alaska,
because we were in Ketchikan the day they had the hottest day on record, 86 degrees.
You've seen a lot of historic.
Yeah, you've seen history.
Yeah.
We were there sweating our ass off.
I was going, what the fuck?
They told us not to bring shorts.
This is Alaska.
Yeah.
But it was still fun.
We saw bears, whales, sea lions, and about anything you could see.
Yeah, it was excellent.
An Alaskan cruise is really cool because you are going to be cold.
When they go through a fjord and you go up to a glacier, it's cold.
Yeah, it's like standing in front of an open freezer.
Yeah, that's so dope.
Oh yeah, we're out there freezing.
Like the green here, how close can you get to it?
About from here to.
No, that's the ice where.
The moon.
But your face is like, hold on, why are we so close?
No, this is on a catamaran.
The cruise ship was quite a ways away, but we're on a balcony.
We had our own balcony so we could see it perfectly.
I mean, they get pretty close, but on the catamaran,
about midway through that section right there is how close we got.
It felt like a freezer being open.
Like you said, you could just feel that cold.
But it was real crisp and it was fantastic.
I mean, it was beautiful.
I want to go on one eventually.
And then they have big ice boogs out there floating around, which is cooler than shit.
Yeah, iceberg.
No, I know, everybody thinks that.
I didn't learn the first time.
Little red paint scrape on the side of that one.
Well, they're actually laughing about that.
They said that the, you know, actually the way we build things is like now a catamaran is stronger than the Titanic was.
A catamaran could go up and hit an iceberg and just be like.
Just crash through it.
Bounce off.
Yeah, probably bounce off of it.
Yeah.
I don't even want that though.
Isn't that crazy that we would bounce off?
We'll be OK, but I'd probably die from like an anxiety attack.
My heart just stopped because I think I'm going to die.
Oh no, you wouldn't have liked this camera and these idiots like go closer.
I was the one guy going, it's the fellas, fellas.
Come back.
We'll make it back home.
You see that dot over there?
That's a cruise ship.
You stay the fuck right here.
I know I'm not swimming that far.
Yeah, for sure.
I know I'll get hypothermia about two minutes into it, so don't do it.
Some of those chunks break off too, you know, and they can make a big ass wave.
We saw them break off because it was during June and it was so much warmer than normal
up there that we got to just watch it go, shh.
And then we also got to watch some of the glacier cave in, which was good and bad
because we don't really want to see that, but at the same time it's kind of breathtaking.
It's good, it's cool.
Yeah, I get what you're saying.
It's nice to see, but you shouldn't be seeing it.
Yeah, you shouldn't be seeing it.
It's going to happen anyway.
Yeah, exactly.
It seems like it would make you feel small.
Oh, it does make you feel, yeah, it really makes you feel really small.
That's very cool.
But one side of it does not have ice on it because of the logistics of the harbor
that you go into and the sea part of it didn't have ice on it.
And they had huge waterfalls from the water melting, and the waterfalls were insane.
They were so cool.
Wow.
Yeah.
I definitely have to see that.
So I am going on my first cruise this November, I believe, somewhere around there.
Where are you going to?
Jamaica, the Cayman Islands, and somewhere else.
Okay.
It's for my mom's birthday.
I'll let her plan it.
You'll have fun.
Yeah.
And you'll have fun.
No, sir, New Orleans.
Okay.
So I'll let her plan it and do what she wants to do.
But I'm excited because as it's getting closer, I'm looking up more cruises.
I didn't know there was an Alaskan cruise until you asked the question.
So I'm like, maybe that's something I need to look into.
It's cool.
It's more like to see things.
Yeah, for sure.
Of course, you can kick it on the cruise.
Yeah.
They have trans-Atlantic cruises that you can go from New York all the way over to the
Mediterranean and come back.
How long is that?
About 20 days, I think.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
They have cruises that you can go to Alaska, spend three days in Alaska at a lodge, and
then jump back on the ship and come back again.
Oh, that's amazing.
They have 14-day cruises to Hawaii.
Yeah.
My boss just told me about that yesterday.
It's 14 days to get there, and then you stay there for a few days, and then 14 days to
get back.
That's a lot of work.
That's crazy.
It's probably not the people you want to have.
I love a cruise, but I don't know if I'd want to be on a ship that long.
You'd finally be like, yeah, I want to see my dogs.
Yeah, for sure.
I'm kind of interested in those European river cruises.
Those are cool.
Where you get on one of the big, like the Volga or the Danube or one of those big, like
the Volga or the Danube or one of those rivers that goes through all these different European
countries.
Both coastlines, or both riverbanks, have cities on them, so you can stop anywhere and get
off, and shop here, shop there.
That does sound cool.
See the size, see all the history.
Look at Viking.
Viking, yeah.
Viking river cruises.
I've seen the ads.
I'm sorry.
European river cruises.
You guys go ahead and keep talking.
Well, I'm going to have to go too, so hurry.
In that case.
Yep, in that case.
It was nice meeting you guys.
Great having you guys.
We're here a lot tonight.
I definitely will see you again.
Yes, sir.
Very nice talking to you, man.
Do you guys have like social media?
Yeah, well, we do.
We're on Facebook.
We've got a Facebook group.
Yeah, two beach bags, a microphone, and just add us.
We've got our website there on the banner.
I will find you.
I appreciate it.
And I will be back.
All right.
Nice meeting you, Mark.
Good to see you guys.
All right, I'll be right back.
I'm going to hit this on pause right now.
Okay.
Two douchebags and microphone dot net, your one stop for everything douchebaggery.
You want to write us?
You want to say something to us?
You want to look for a live button?
When we go live, you can call in.
All of this stuff is right there for your ear holes and eye holes.
You got it, chumps.
It's all yours.
Two douchebags and microphone dot net is up and running.
Don't forget to hit the subscribe button.
Hey, where do they go?
Where are the douchebags?
Hmph.
Oh, my God.
Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Ugh.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.