This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags in a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
1.
Smell.
Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and
old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
2.
Look for the spot absent of patrons.
3.
The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
4.
Just call us at 816-512-7717.
Continuing our quest here at Two Douchebags in a Microphone to be constantly funny, once
again we offer you strange insults from an alien.
Heh.
When you always get it from your computer, your head goes so attached to them.
Pact about cats.
Okay.
They're all insane.
Yes.
A scandal involving Tesla.
That doesn't surprise me.
And interesting observations about a show I was watching, Secrets of the Tampa Zoo.
Oh really?
And similar shows, and shows they advertised during that one.
I thought it was kind of interesting.
Okay.
What do you want to go into?
Let's start off with just a little short thing, the interesting fact about cats.
Okay.
We'll do this in about 30 seconds.
Alrighty.
We shall do this.
Alright.
You want to start off?
Sure.
Okay.
Your audio good?
Sounds good.
Alright.
Alright welcome, we are Two Douchebags in a Microphone.
I'm Topher.
I'm Mark.
And we are back at our stomping grounds at the city market.
Yes.
Yep.
We've got some approaching rainstorms, this ought to be fun.
Hopefully it starts rumbling like it did a few minutes ago.
Yeah so.
Unfortunately we're self contained as far as electrical power goes.
So if lightning strikes won't hurt us, power outages won't hurt us.
You guys are shit out of luck, virtually nothing will stop us right?
His train wreck keeps on rolling along.
Yep.
Yeah so lightning strikes won't traditionally stop us.
No.
Unless it hits us directly.
Yep.
Well then yeah.
Plus you've got the super power of being undunkable.
This is true.
I've always learned this about you.
Yes, being undunkable means that lightning should go right through me.
It should, just pass harmlessly through.
That's right.
Yes.
Your adamantium skeleton, oh wait you're not wolverine, sorry.
Oh yeah.
I tried, I tried.
Just couldn't swing it.
So yeah, anyhow.
I tried to be wolverine and wound up more like Vaseline.
And I'm more like flies in the Vaseline.
Good song.
Yeah that's what I was getting ready to say.
So alright.
Well here's something that's been keeping me awake at night.
That if all of the cats in the entire world decided to invade Scotland, that means every
Scottish person would have to fight off 114 cats.
I think the cats could take Scotland.
That would be awesome wouldn't it?
Yeah.
I really think they could do it.
114 is a lot of cats did.
Oh there we go.
Production value.
Yeah.
And then we could call it Scatland.
Scatland, yeah.
Yeah.
There we go.
Scatland, yeah.
We already got our angle.
There we go.
How about that?
So being somewhat Scottish myself I thought that was interesting.
Yeah and obviously there's got to be some in there with me too because of my last name.
Yeah.
So anyhow.
So that was an interesting fact back there.
That is pretty damn cool.
So anyhow we have a variety of different topics here.
The new American contemporary urban dictionary of America.
Urban dictionary of America.
They have a long complex title don't they?
They're mouthing off again.
Of course they are.
They said that all Gen Z's should use our slang because the other stuff is the shit
that the Gen X's and the millennials came up with and this is not their language.
And they're shaking their tiny fist telling everybody that if you're younger you use our
slang and nobody else's.
So I thought dictionaries were something to let you know what language people were actually
using.
Not making up words.
This one is saying we're making up words and telling you this is the ones you should
be using.
And this is what they use online.
They call themselves a dictionary.
Any chance they work for like an advertising firm?
There's something to it.
I have not found it yet but I would guarantee there's something to it.
I got a story where people are furious at Pat Sajak because they say he stole $100,000
because the lady actually and I watched the video.
Oh ok, contestant.
Yeah she was from Texas and she has that draw and I do think she said what they thought
she said and Pat said she did not.
And people are going bullshit.
She said it.
Give her her $100,000.
Wow.
They can afford it.
I mean shows like that can afford it.
I think when it's all done if enough shit goes on like it is right now that it will
be awarded to her.
Alright.
We have Tyreek Hill mouthing off.
Of course.
He mails off all the time.
Yeah.
So anyhow.
Did you have anything you wanted to start into or do you want me to start into something?
No.
Notice to Tesla owners, anybody out there owning a Tesla, there is a class action lawsuit
currently in the works.
Tesla has internal cameras on their cars that look at the interior and that's part of how
they know how to drive and they look at how you're acting, what you're doing, etc.
Now you're talking about like the takeover feature.
Let's say you're drowsy and you're weaving.
All of a sudden Tesla goes, hang on, this guy is showing signs of being worn out and
sleepy.
We're going to take the wheel for him and make sure he gets home safely.
Yeah, that's part of it.
Those internal cameras are always working.
Wow.
At least while you're driving and sometimes when you're not driving.
When your car is parked or something you can still have the internal cameras running I
think.
But the problem is arising from the fact that it doesn't just video the inside of your car,
it also stores that video and Tesla can access that video.
And now Tesla employees have been sharing some of the racier videos that they've gotten
out of customers cars.
They're toast.
They are toast.
Here comes another lightning I think.
I just saw the flash.
But didn't we say people will porn up anything they get their hands on?
You're right.
An internal camera on the Tesla has now been porned up by Tesla employees.
You know what, if someone was smart enough and knew this was going to happen like had
enough foresight, and I'm sure there are people out there that could figure this out and see
where this is going, it would be fucking cool.
You bought, there it is.
There's that rumble.
You bought one and you knew this was going to happen and you couldn't afford it, well
you own it now.
Yep.
And then more.
Yep.
All you got to do is play Mr. Tug Johnson.
And you got it.
Look at that.
I'm fucking playing touchy selfie and they fucking got me everywhere.
30 million.
As far as I know these videos so far have only been shared internally within Tesla.
The Tesla employees have been texting and emailing and sending them all over to each
other.
You know, hey look at this one road hit.
Like you said.
Hey look at this one, somebody's shit in the back seat.
You know, whatever it is, any of them embarrassing or sexy or whatever, some of these are going
to wind up on YouTube.
Or on other social media platforms.
Or you know, in all of the pictures someone was like, hey man, let's see what Mr. Nut
Twirler's doing.
Yep, twirling his nuts.
Yep.
Alright, let's go to number seven.
Yep.
Now I don't know if they can just download it from the car as you drive by or whether
it's when you come in for service they can download the videos or what.
But apparently Tesla employees have a huge stockpile of Tesla customers doing all sorts
of stuff in their own cars.
And they're all watching.
Yep.
And that does not surprise me one bit.
And I kind of expect it from them.
I mean honestly, I mean, you know, it is Tesla.
As bad news as that is, the good news is if you own a Tesla you can be in this lawsuit.
Yeah.
Pretty much.
Yeah, you pretty much have your car paid for.
Yep.
So there.
Yep.
And then Tesla's going to have to figure out what to do so this can't happen again.
And I don't know what they can do.
Boy, that's going to be a tough one.
Yeah.
Because you either have access or you don't.
I don't know how you put that in the middle and be like, well, we can block this.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Because if the cameras are still collecting the raw data in the car, Tesla's got access
to the raw data.
Yeah, that's true.
You know, fuzzing out someone's face for protecting identity.
Yeah, they can't really.
I mean that stuff they do after they already have access to your video.
Yeah, that's going to be very interesting on how they can do that and how they can't.
They'll have to figure out a way that a human can't have access to that video until it's
been censored.
Yes.
So there's, you know, AI is going to have to censor it.
It's going to have to be AI, I guess.
But then AI could take it and do what they wanted to do too because we have proven in
past episodes that AI can turn evil on a dime like people.
And a person can also talk to the AI and say, come on, let a few dirty ones through.
I want to see them.
And the AI can go, yeah, all right.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're my friend.
You're my friend, Billy.
Yeah.
I'll let you see them.
You remember the decades when we were told, oh, it's done by machine.
You can trust it anymore.
It's done by a machine.
You better not trust it.
No, no, no.
That's a good point.
It used to be like, well, there's no humans involved.
So you don't have to worry about someone looking and going, hey.
Now you almost rather have a human because an artificial intelligence doesn't feel guilt
or remorse for wrecking your life.
No.
Well, neither do a lot of people.
Well, that's true.
At least with people you have a chance.
Yeah, no, that's true.
Well, I mean, that's, look, you get a Tesla, I guess you know that, I mean, everybody has
this assumption that they're private.
But the assumption is not actually real on any level if you look at it.
Yeah.
And a lot of this is growing pains for new technology.
It's working the bugs out.
That's why I don't like to be one of the first adopters of new technology.
It's like, let someone else who's really eager for it and who wants to.
I'll take it back to the day of Windows when Windows was a big swinging fucking dick.
Right?
Okay.
No one bought the first one.
No, no one did.
Well, anyone that knew anything didn't.
They're like, oh, no, this is going to crash all the time.
Viruses, all that.
And then, you know, all right, how many versions?
This is the 10th.
Okay, I'll get it now.
Yeah.
I remember buying the first version of like 98 and they're, oh, you need this patch.
Oh, you need this patch.
I'm like, why the fuck did I even get this?
Yeah.
I remember my brother.
Meanwhile, Macintosh, all those snobs are over there laughing.
Mine doesn't do that.
Yeah.
But yours locks you into Apple.
Exactly.
I know.
Let's get ready to go there.
You can't stray outside the cult of Apple and you've got to pay Apple prices for everything.
Yeah.
It's so bad.
It's like the Apple Council.
Yeah.
Come here, Mark.
Yes.
This is the Apple Council.
Yeah.
Did you try to stray?
Well, it's just you guys are so sad.
No, you will be abolished.
I'm sorry, Apple.
God, I won't ever do it again.
So, anyhow.
Yeah.
So.
I wish that truck would leave, you know.
I wish it would too.
It makes me a little jittery why it's just sitting there making noise.
Yeah.
I think our coffee is probably ready.
So you'll probably hear a clip here.
That's just the way it is, fuckers.
Yeah.
I'm getting our coffees.
Plus the truck is leaving.
So hang tight, fuckers.
All right.
Said coffees are here.
We got our original table back.
The people that were here were scared off by our horrible conversation and we are here.
So we had to take a lesser table down the road for a little bit.
So it was adequate, but nah, magic happens here.
No, magic happens here.
Yeah.
And as soon as I come up to get our coffee, we've talked to a very nice lady that I see
up here a lot and she said that she doesn't have anything to say today, but she might
in the future.
So we hope that she joins us.
Yeah.
So anyhow, I have this little bit here.
We talked earlier about the new contemporary urban dictionary of America.
I believe that's what it is.
And if you put that in and it doesn't hit, then just keep trying.
We're going to have another thunder flash here.
If you don't keep trying, because this thing is so odd, it's not that popular yet.
And it's apparently got a really odd specific name.
If you don't get it just right, then.
No, there it is.
There might be like an under slash or something that I keep missing.
I don't know.
But I get it half of the time I hit.
So anyhow, so now I have it in my bookmark so I can go get to it.
They are pissed off.
Remember before they were mad at the urban dictionary saying that swagger jacking was
their word.
And they told you.
Oh yeah.
They swagger jacked the word swagger jack.
Yeah, they swagger jacked it.
What was the other one?
Swagger stomping or smudging?
Swagger stomping.
Yeah.
And they're mad because they said that people like the urban dictionary, it's their word
and they were spreading false information about how the word is supposed to be the meaning
of the word.
Yeah.
So these people, like Tofer said earlier, they are connected to something else that's
trying to get attention.
Guaranteed.
Why else would someone go through this much trouble over nothing?
They're acting like it's the whole East Coast versus West Coast rap war.
Yeah.
And it's like nobody gives a shit.
It takes me 10 minutes to find their fucking website for God sakes and it's so long.
So anyhow.
But in their own minds, they're super important.
Yes.
Nearly godlike.
And they said the new contemporary urban dictionary, this is they said if you are a Gen Z, you
definitely need to be using this and other people ought to too.
Now they're telling people what to do.
Yeah, it separates you from those millennials and those Gen Xers and those, you know, all
those silly people who don't know what they're talking about because they're not you.
Yes.
Yeah.
So this is the suggestions that Gen Zs or younger or if you're like minded or whatever
use.
Number one, swerve jerking.
Well, that's interesting.
Yeah.
Do you have any idea what a swerve jerk could be?
Not a clue.
Okay.
Covering up your tracks, trying to hide a lie with extreme measures.
I get the swerve, but where's the jerking coming?
I don't know.
I mean, is that like jerking them around?
Possibly?
I don't know.
To me, that sounds suspiciously like swagger jacking.
Yes.
They're trying to come up with a replacement.
Yeah.
I mean, it's kind of like, oh, and we even have this new word to prove that we have this
old word.
I don't know.
Look at our cool new word.
Undershot.
Okay.
Undershot.
This one I kind of agree with.
I could see it kind of takes a weird turn though.
You'll see.
Yeah.
Well, overshoot means you exceeded.
Undershot, I would guess, means you didn't try hard enough.
You didn't use enough force, energy, money, whatever.
That means a naughty picture sent through text.
You'll see a body part.
Okay.
See, you're porning the shit out of anything.
Yeah.
But I mean, at least I kind of got the correlation.
The swerve jerking, I was kind of like, okay.
Undershot, okay.
I think I get it.
Underneath, taking a shot of the picture.
Undershot.
To me, it's kind of playing for, I don't know.
Like underwear shot.
Yeah.
Under the desk, underskirt.
Under desk, underskirt.
Okay.
That was pretty childish.
Yeah, definitely.
Scat mouthing.
Okay, scat can mean shit or it can mean improv.
Yes.
Scat mouthing, I guess, would be talking shit about somebody.
Yep.
And also another thing, scat mouthing.
Talking shit or exceptional bragging and self-promotion.
Okay.
So not about somebody, just your...
No, no.
I mean, I'm not talking about somebody.
I'm talking about somebody.
I'm talking about someone who's got a lot of self-promotion.
Okay.
So not about somebody, just your...
No, it can be either.
It's basically what Trump does all the time.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
So yeah.
So scat mouthing can, I like that because you can use it in either and that gives it
that array.
I wonder how they meant that.
Yeah.
I kind of like that.
Yeah.
This one's interesting.
Warm pillow.
Wow.
That conjures up images of safety, comfort, security, or an easy lay.
Oh, wow.
Never thought about that one.
Yeah.
That was pretty good too.
So that could go any kind of direction, I guess.
A person that hints of someone being wrong or very casually making fun of a situation
or person.
Okay.
I think I see where they're going.
They're like, everyone wants to flip the pillow over and get the cool side of the pillow.
And they're talking about, well, you're a warm pillow, which means you're undesirable.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
Okay.
Okay, I could get along with that one.
It's like calling him the turd in the bowl of ice cream.
Yeah.
Geez.
That was cool.
That was a fucking window rattler.
Yeah.
Look at the... You ought to see the audiogram.
It compressed the shit out of our audio.
Oh my God.
That looks like you blurred fucking Ted Nugent into 12 or something.
Yeah.
I can't wait to hear that one back.
I'm showing my age with Ted Nugent.
Yes.
Let's see.
Polio mouth.
This one I'm not really... I think I could have done better.
Wow.
I'm going to take a guess, and I hope I'm wrong, if they're using polio as a way to
date something, how old something is, like polio era.
Like polio mouth would be older talking like an old person.
Actually, it's a lot simpler.
A lot simpler than that.
A lot more simpler.
Okay, because that would be sick to use a terrible disease like polio just to insinuate
someone's oldness.
Well, just let me... Okay.
A person with a speech impediment or trashed and cannot speak properly.
Oh, that's sick.
That's even worse.
That's awful.
Because that's someone with polio.
This is the way I took it.
Oh, and this is the young generation that's supposed to be so open and accepting.
Yes.
No, no.
This is something I'm learning.
The more I'm reading about Gen Zs, the more they're more raunchier than we probably are.
They're a bunch of little shits.
Yeah.
Gosh.
Yeah, they're very pissed off, too.
They're a bunch of hypocritical little shits.
I know.
You've got polio mouth.
God, that's just evil.
When I read this, I said, this can't be the obvious.
I was like, it can't be the obvious.
It's something else.
No, it's... It's bad enough.
Let's see.
Next one.
Human Jenga.
That could be like a dog pile of people, like when nine people try to tackle the guy with
football, or it could refer to an orgy, or it could refer to a very crowded living situation.
That's about all the guesses I have.
Boy, that thunder sounds great in the cans, Doug.
Man, the headphones fucking wow.
We've got a roof over our heads, so we're not getting rained on.
We're not going to get hit by lightning, so that's pretty awesome.
We're getting the residual thunder, which is fantastic.
Yeah.
An all-out orgy or a car crash involving multiple people.
Okay, so I was close on the orgy.
That's another multifaceted one.
It could be like sex or it could be death.
Yeah.
Interesting.
This one cracked me up.
Okay.
Bean bandit.
Not a clue.
A man who takes a woman's virginity.
That's terrible.
Wow, that's bad.
No, I was like, what?
I was like, number one, can't they get more inventive?
I know.
I've heard of the term ass bandit, which was a derogatory term for somebody who liked anal
sex.
Yes.
They kind of took that and twisted it into a guy that takes a woman's virginity.
Bean bandit.
I've heard bean using...
Mean clit or whatever.
Yeah.
God.
Don't they have anything better to do?
Okay, let me stress.
This is not Gen Z-ers.
Oh, this is the dictionary that's trying to tell them how to talk.
Yes.
That's right.
For all I know, they look at this and the reason they're unpopular is because they think
they're idiots.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Here's this made-up fake dictionary and they're making up these terms and demanding everyone
needs to start using them.
Yeah.
I'd look for some sort of advertising firm behind that.
That's what I think.
Because then they'll start using those terms in an advertisement and then trademark them.
I knew there was some entity behind it, but when you say advertising firm, that would
make the most amount of sense.
It's kind of like when these words become popular, we already own them.
Yeah.
That's the first thing I look at is how is someone making money off of this and who is
it?
Look at how hard it is to get to the website.
Our website has more hits than theirs.
That's awesome.
No, actually we're doing very well.
Yes.
Clap hearty.
Thank you listeners.
Yeah.
Thank you.
All of you all over America too.
I just can't believe every area of America listens to us.
I like it.
It's pretty cool.
Yeah.
Hey, we can travel.
Do a road tour.
Yeah, we could.
Clap hearty.
What was the plan when we first started was eventually branch out and go to other markets
that have coffee houses.
Like let's say Pike Place in Seattle or the Boston Market in Boston.
Well, anyhow, we go to Nashville.
The original plan is to hit up as many as we could and broadcast from there and critique
the coffee and talk to people around the area.
So who knows?
We're still working on this thing.
Yeah, we will definitely have to put a road road road tour together.
Yep.
Now what was I on?
Clap party.
Okay.
Something like that.
A person that gives fake compliments or praise regularly.
Yeah, I can see that.
I could.
Yeah.
They're like your own personal applause track that follows you around everywhere.
Yes.
Yeah.
You the man.
Yeah.
Like a yes clue.
Yeah.
Like everyone who hung around Michael Jackson.
Yeah, no kidding.
I can see like a football player and a Gen Z going, oh, look at the clap parties.
I get that one pretty good.
Yeah, I can see that.
Radley Sidecar.
Whoa.
That's weird.
Yeah.
That sounds like some sort of complex drink you order at a trendy yuppie bar.
It does, doesn't it?
Doesn't it?
Yeah.
I'll take a Radley Sidecar, please.
And the sidecar is like a scoop of ice cream on the edge of your martini.
Yeah.
So what is a Radley Sidecar?
A spouse or partner that constantly is bitching and griping.
I kind of like that.
Okay.
Hey, get rid of the Radley Sidecar.
What do you mean?
Interesting.
In the 30s or 40s, they had what were called rumble seats, which was a small convertible
seat that opened up in the trunk lid of the car.
Yes.
Yep.
And that was typically where the cartoons would show the mother-in-law sitting while
the man grows.
He'd put his nagging mother-in-law in the rumble seat.
And she was all pissed off looking, all scowling and everything.
Yeah.
Because she's outside and everybody else is inside.
That was funny.
Next one, loose bearing.
Loose bearing.
Okay.
Now, I've heard this as referring to somebody who is unpredictable and can cause a lot of
damage, like loose cannon, loose bearings.
Yeah, you pretty much got it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Let's see.
Unpredictable partner or spouse.
So that would be more relatable than loose cannon is a loose bearing.
Yeah, loose bearing.
So that would be it.
And that's all the ones that they had in this article.
And their little fists are waving mightily.
Their little fists are waving mightily.
So I remember being in Omaha or I think it was Lincoln.
Went up there for a wedding reception.
And I had forgotten to pack a belt and my pants kept falling down.
So we walked from the hotel to a strip mall that was nearby and they had a clothing store
there.
And I thought, great.
Yeah, clothing store.
I could buy a belt.
The clothing store was called Urban Mail.
Urban Mail.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, you know, urban, at the very least you're talking about somebody who lives within the
city and mail.
Okay, dude.
I'm a dude.
Urban doesn't necessarily mean any ethnic group.
It just means you're not a country boy.
So I started looking through this store and there wasn't a single belt anywhere.
And then I asked one of the clerks, you know, where are the belts?
And oh, well, we don't really have belts.
And I said, oh, well, I guess urban males don't wear belts then, huh?
And she looked at me like she wanted to slap me because I said urban mail.
And then she realized that's the name of the store.
Yeah.
You know, she thought I was making fun of black people, I think.
And then she realized your store is called Urban Mail.
Yeah.
You don't stock belts.
Therefore, you apparently don't think urban males need belts.
And then, you know, she looked like she wanted to get really offended, but then she couldn't
figure out exactly what she should be offended about.
Everybody wants to get offended.
Yeah.
Man, look at the ground.
Your car is floating away, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
We need rain bad.
So that's good.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
And she was so I don't know what would you call that?
Wanted to be so confrontational, maybe.
She wanted to be confrontational.
Yeah.
And she wanted it's like she wanted credit for working in a store called Urban Mail.
And you'll look how open minded I am.
It's like, OK, but nothing about this says black.
It just says urban.
Yeah.
So if you want to pretend it's a store for black men, then you can.
Yeah.
But that's not what the word that the name says.
And nothing in this store says it's for black people.
No, it just says urban mail and it's men's clothing.
So yeah, but she was just really, really ready to get offended.
Yeah.
There are a lot of people like that.
What reminded me of that the other day, I was watching I think it was this show I'm
going to talk about later, Secrets of the Zoo Tampa.
And I forget which channel that's on.
They were showing ads for streaming on BET channel and BET Plus.
And they run the ad for the show and they say BET Plus and then they show the logo and
underneath the logo were the words, Screaming Black Culture.
And I thought, wow, that's a bold ass claim that this one streaming service apparently
feels that they have digitized black culture and is now available for streaming online.
Okay.
They don't want anyone to question it.
They just say this as a blanket statement and just take it for granted that people are
going to go, oh, they say they are okay.
Just like CNN says their news.
Oh, they say they're cable news network.
Okay.
No, it's the same thing.
It's like the company Federal Express, which has nothing to do with the federal government.
Federal Reserve.
Yeah, Federal Reserve has nothing to do with the government.
It's just a name.
Because it says federal, everyone's like, oh, okay, it's the government.
But the idea that they could say that this one streaming service has the monopoly and
knows absolutely everything about black culture and they are your one source and that's what
they stream is real and true black culture, that's a pretty ballsy claim to make for any
network to say we are it, we're the source and we're 100% authentic.
That just doesn't sound right.
It sounds to me like they're trying to appeal to white people who want to feel like they're
in touch with black culture.
I would agree.
They'll watch the shows and then they'll pat themselves on the back for being so in tune
with another culture.
And really all they've been fed is the white people version that's acceptable to them that
won't scare them off.
Yeah.
Yep.
But just seeing them put that on the screen, stream black culture.
Really, that's something that you can download.
No, I know.
I had no idea that the culture of an entire person, an entire race of people was something
that can be downloaded.
You know what I think of that?
It's just stupid.
I think that's like, let's say you're at a tire shop, right?
And they're like a big corporate conglomerate.
They will put that on there just because of the title.
Yes.
They'll go, look, we're all inclusive here.
Yes.
Yeah.
It's like the old checkbook charity.
Yes, checkbook charity.
Don't show me your poor sick crippled kids.
Just let me write a check and go away.
Yeah.
But will any of those guys go out and hire an urban kid and have them work in a change
of tires?
They're probably not.
No.
Or change the work environment.
Yeah.
But they'll stream that to make it look like they're conscientious, they care, they're
all about it.
Yeah.
Inclusive.
Yeah.
It's what we used to call lip service.
It's lip service.
You say it, but you don't mean it.
Exactly.
Yep.
So that's how it came off to me is a really ballsy boast that they're pretty sure no one
is going to call them on without looking like a Nazi.
Yeah.
And it will go on and people don't really want to take the time to even counterclaim
it because they don't care.
Yeah.
It's just like the new urban contemporary dictionary of fucking America or whatever
it is.
Yeah.
Nobody's counterclaiming it because they don't care.
They're just like, oh, okay.
Yeah, I think I might have heard that term before.
Oh, well, did they?
Okay, well, good for them.
That's it.
Yeah.
It's done.
It's like the guy who runs into the room and yells, look at me, I'm really cool.
I'm really cool.
Aren't I cool?
It's like, no, you wait for other people to tell you what you are.
Yeah, you're not cool if you don't go announce it.
You tell people to tell you you're cool.
I was in a band once with a keyboard player and he had a pretty inflated opinion of his
own abilities, et cetera.
And there was a show we did once.
We let him sing a couple of songs because he wanted to.
Oh, did he have LSD without even being a lead singer?
Yes, he did.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
And it was his turn to sing a couple of songs, he'd step up to the mic and the first thing
he'd say was, people tell me I look like Sammy Hagar and then he'd grin.
Wow.
Oh my God.
Cringe.
Talk about cringe.
Yeah.
Yeah, if you got it stated, it ain't true.
I mean, he looked like a little bit like he could have been Sammy Hagar's overweight alcoholic
uncle.
But man, that never went over well when he said that.
That was just like the audience just kind of went, oh, he's one of those.
Yeah.
It was like a...
So that's kind of the impression I get from this, you know, bragging about their, you
know, oh, weird, the streaming service for all of that culture.
Like, yeah, you're like the guy saying, look at me and how handsome I am.
Yeah, they are.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
What's that over there?
Oh no.
It's the island of horrible jokes.
What?
Do you call a bundle of hay in church?
Christian Bale.
Two ass bags and a box of Cheez-Its will be right back.
Coming up, the blast from the past.
This is where we take old shows and incorporate them into new shows.
Because you fucks refuse to go get it.
When I was with that band, I wasn't drinking.
So when we played drinking games, I'd have to drink this water.
Which isn't, you know, not really much of a game because half the game is watching everyone
get drunk and they have to take a drink or whatever.
It gives you a one-up though.
You see stupid shit happening and other people don't identify with it because they're smart.
But then again, it'd be fun or smash because you'd be like, ah.
Well, they came up with a variation for me since instead of drinking alcohol, I was drinking
water.
They made the exception that I could not get up.
I couldn't leave the circle to go pee.
Everyone else could.
But since I wasn't getting hammered on water, then my punishment was I couldn't pee.
That's a pretty...
Yeah.
I did that for a while and it was like, okay, I voluntarily lose or quit, whatever.
I gotta go pee right now.
Some of those drinking games went on way too long.
And by the time we got back to the club to play that night, some of us were still a little
hammered.
A little residual leftover glaze.
Then they're done.
And then you got the choice.
If you're that person, you start the gig off and you're kind of wasted, do you just keep
it going throughout the gig or do you let yourself come down during the gig?
And by the fourth set, you're like, I hate life.
Let me go.
I was talking to a guy at work similar to that.
When I was younger, I used to have to decide because we were out late one night having
some beers and stuff.
And I ended up leaving that place like 2.30 or something, which is rare for me.
Obviously, I've been asleep a long time.
And a couple of days later, I'm talking to him and I go, you know, when I was younger,
I used to have that one moment where I had to stop for a second at what I was doing and
go, all right, I've got to get to work in four hours.
Do I want to just ride this out, hurry it, and try to sober up the last couple of hours
to go to work?
Or do I want to shut this fucking thing down, get four hours of sleep and then go in there
and go to work?
And usually, usually it was like, I'm just going to ride this thing through and I'll
sleep tomorrow, which I never did because then all of a sudden a bunch of people show
up.
And anyhow, they'd be like, hey, come on, man, get in the car.
We're going to go over to so and so's.
And I'd be like, oh, yeah.
And usually it'd take me three or four days to catch up.
And then I'd be usually Tuesday night.
But it seems like that would be the wiser choice is to stay awake and ride it out.
When I was in that situation.
Yeah, because you feel like shit.
You know, you actually get about three hours or two and a half hours sleep because you're
forcing yourself to sleep, but you still want to party.
You get a little bit of bad sleep, bad quality sleep.
When you wake up, your body is finally to the point where it wants to sleep.
But now you have to wake up.
Yeah.
And then when you have really deep sleep, you wake up.
And then what's even worse is while you're asleep, you can't monitor your symptoms and
take steps to counteract.
Like if you're dead asleep because you're half wasted.
No, you wake up where you're at.
Yeah.
I mean, you may be so sick to your stomach that normally you'd wake up and do something
about it.
But you're sleeping so hard in those couple three hours that it just sits there and gets
worse and worse.
By the time you wake up, you feel like total shit.
Whereas if you stayed awake, you can treat those symptoms as they came up.
You'd be more tired.
But after the end of a couple hours, you're like, okay, I got my nausea under control.
I got myself hydrated.
It got some drops in my eyes.
It usually worked out better because you had that time to start treating yourself.
Yeah.
I would run into that not necessarily because I was wasted, but just because I was tired.
Some of those out of town gigs, I'd work all day Friday, drive out to some hour and a half
out of town, set up, play, tear down.
And then I'd have to drive back to KC and get a little bit of sleep and go work Saturday.
I worked a lot of Saturdays.
And then when I was done with work, I'd have to load up, drive back to that little town
where everybody else still was and go play the second night.
It was like, oh, this sucks so hard.
See, that's when I should have been free basing Coke or something.
That's when I needed all that energy.
But there I was trying to exist on coffee and cigarettes.
I just wouldn't cut it.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
The number one show for people that lie about their favorite podcast.
The boll weevil clap.
Read up on that sometime.
The boll weevil clap and this old guy that I knew that was in Vietnam, I probably should
say, well, you know what?
You can take this part out of here if you like it and we can put it somewhere.
But this old guy that I knew down the road from me, there was a Vietnam, he told me that
one day him and a couple of guys got a day off from the war.
So they went into the nearest town to go look for some hookers.
They're like, if we're going to die, we're going to get laid.
So okay, all right.
So they go in there and I guess the Viet Cong loaded the prostitutes full of stuff called
the boll weevil clap.
Yeah.
Oh, it is.
So anyhow, he said, you know, they all went and, you know, did what they needed to do.
You know, they thought they were all going to die.
So they went and they got laid.
And next day when a guy comes in, he goes, oh my God, he goes, I hurt so bad.
But you know, my fucking dick hurts like hell.
My stomach hurts.
I think I'm going to die.
What they do with those damn hookers.
So anyhow, and he started hurting really bad.
He said it hurts so bad you could hardly breathe.
You could feel it in your dick shaft.
It hurts so bad.
So they all go in and I guess it's like a horrible infection.
And if you don't get treated, it will kill you.
Like, you know, go up your scrotum and your testicles.
And anyhow, the only cure back then was is they had to take this glass rod, shove it
in the end of your penis and mash it with a rubber mallet.
And then they have to physically squeeze all the infection out of your penis.
I've heard of this.
Yes.
And this took like four hours of mashing this rod and then squeezing all the infection out.
Because if they don't get all the infection out right then.
It flares right back up.
Yes.
Seals your pee-pee shut.
Yes.
Yeah, that was the old joke of, you know, oh, if you catch VD, your dick's going to
turn black and fall off.
But there are actually STDs.
That was worse case scenario.
Yeah.
It actually will turn black and fall off because the tissue will die.
Yeah, it's kind of like a grand, again, green type of deal, you know, or something like
that.
But anyhow, yeah, he said after that, he said, no, no more hookers.
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Long time ago, there's this party house and this is when I worked at Justin Jones steakhouse.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
And all this party tonight.
The guy that worked there, he lived back behind Justin Jones.
And anyhow, he, you know, he was divorced.
So he had kind of like a party house back there.
So me and a buddy of mine was sitting back there one night and we're bored as hell.
So we're daring each other to do stupid shit.
So I told him, I said, all right, I forgot what he dared me.
Probably ran around the walkway or something like that.
Something stupid, you know, clucking like a chicken or like, I don't know, you know,
stuff that we can come up with that we can do.
So I'm looking around, I look next door and I guess there's like some party or something
going on and neither one of us heard about it.
So we're the only two tool bags sitting there at that party house.
We're just sitting there going, fuck, this is boring as hell.
So we're doing the stupid shit that we're daring each other to do.
So I look out and there's a house next to it with this little porch.
Go out there, take a dump on the porch, light it on fire, bang on the door and then come
back.
Sure.
No problem.
So, hey, I'm sitting there and I see this thing you let up in the moonlight, this shadowy
figure fucking squatting.
See these fuck, a couple of turds come out and see him fucking throw up his shorts real
quick.
And all this is just a shadowy figure.
Then I see him stooped over.
It took him a long time to get this fucker lit.
I see him over there laboring and I'm like, oh shit.
So then he like throws some leaves or some shit on it.
Finally I see this little flame.
It does, I see this like, he kind of clenches up like, yeah.
I have full fire.
All of this is shadowing, right?
So anyhow, I'm like, yeah, good, good job, well done.
He comes back, he sits down and we're sitting there waiting, waiting, waiting, nothing.
We both end up passing out.
So three in the morning I wake up and I see like this glow.
It's kind of an orange glow through the blinds.
What the hell?
And I hear a bunch of rustling and shit and people talking.
All of a sudden it dawned on me.
Oh fuck.
Oh shit, he burned down the house next door.
Oh my God.
So anyhow, I get up, I go over there and there's like four firefighters with this hose and
a guy standing out there shaking his head and they're all laughing because someone shit
his shit on their porch, lit it and it caught their porch on fire because nobody fucking
answered the door.
They were probably sound asleep.
Maybe they're on sleeping pills or something.
I'm like, dude, dude, wake up.
He's like, oh fuck man, I'm on probation.
I'm going to go to jail.
I'm like, dude, calm down.
It didn't burn the house down, man.
Nobody died or nothing.
Listen, they're all out there laughing and stuff and the homeowners like shaking his head
like who the fuck did this?
So anyhow.
I had a request from my friend Lona that listens to this podcast and will probably listen to
this.
So anyhow, she's going way back with this elaborate prank and I'd forgotten all about
it actually.
And there's more on this level specifically that I can tell you about.
This is in general, this elaborate prank and anyhow, it's a really, really good vicious
line of events.
Anyhow, kind of going to go into some humor now.
We've done some serious stuff.
But anyhow, my great buddy Davey, I think a lot of people know him.
I know Davey.
Oh yeah, see?
So there we go.
Jesse knows Davey.
Three out of three.
Cindy knows Davey.
Four out of four.
Val knows Davey.
Five out of five.
Okay.
Well, everybody in the whole world knows him, evidently.
So there you have it.
When we were teenagers, every summer his parents would go to Truman Lake and they'd take their
camper there and they'd be gone pretty much from Memorial weekend to Labor Day weekend.
So a good two and a half month stretch, something like that.
But sometimes it was stretching to three, depending on how they felt.
And so anyhow, this meant one thing.
Party house.
So anyway, Davey and I had some evil tricks that we like to play on the people.
The people that all partied at the house for a while, they were all in on the gag because
they probably hadn't happened to them before.
So anyhow, they were a victim at one point and then after they got through with the hurt
and the embarrassment and the bruises, they were like, okay, all right, well it's time
for someone else.
So new guys that would come to the house didn't know about this, but the people that were
there for a while, they knew they were safe.
So anyhow, one of the things that we would do is we'd all be getting trashed, but anyone
that wasn't at Davey's house before would not know this.
There was a refrigerator in the back room that contained all the sodas, all the Dr.
Peppers, all the cokes, all that, the sprites, what have you, Mountain Dews, Dr. Peppers
were all in the back fridge.
And the front fridge was full of useful stuff like food and stuff like that.
So anyhow, we'd all be getting smashed.
And anyhow, someone would wake up and they'd be parched.
So they would look for something that they could drink and also have caffeine.
We didn't believe in coffee back then.
What did they do?
Coffee didn't exist.
It was all soda pop.
So what we would do is we would take a can of soda and we would open it up and drink
it or throw it out or whatever.
Probably drink it most likely.
We weren't that stupid.
And we would piss it.
So we would take this can of open Dr. Pepper, let's say, and with all the content gone,
we would piss in it and then we'd stick it back in the fridge.
Ouch.
But like I said, the people who've been there for a while, they knew about it.
The new people didn't know.
Don't drink from the front fridge, drink from the back fridge.
Well, the people who've been there for a while would be like, uh, uh, uh, I ain't
getting this one right here.
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Oh my God.
I'm going to go get this one in the back room.
So, uh, so, uh, anyhow, you know, uh, it would usually end up like this.
We'd hear a scream and some cussing and some threats and stuff like that.
And then we'd come down there and everyone would like, no one would know who did it.
We're like, what are you fucking joking me?
And then, uh, you know, go over there if they didn't like throw it against the wall or something
smelling it.
Oh my God, it is piss.
Hey, we're going to find out who did this, man.
I'm sorry.
You know, and then you have already make excuse like, well, old man, I was collecting this
urine sample for my dog.
I got to take him to the vet later.
So sorry.
I should have marked the only thing I had was a Dr. Pepper can and you have to be the
first sucker.
They went in on the conversation.
You know how tough it was to get that dog to pee into that Dr. Pepper?
Now it's ruined.
It had to be a day old.
My dog's going to die because you drank his piss.
You drink the dog's piss and the dog dies.
That's pretty bad.
Yeah.
I can't get the sample to the vet in time and he's definitely ill.
Thanks a lot, fuck face.
Hey, where'd everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.