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an island of horrible jokes.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym. She didn't show up. I guess we're not going to
work out.
Two thimble dicks and a crash cart will be right back.
Alright, I was going to say, I wish they would have given Trask a chance down there.
Isn't that the guy that Brady kind of anointed?
So he studied under Brady for what, two years down in Tampa. We spent, I want to say a third
round draft pick on him. So I'm like, man, he's got somebody that high. I mean, give
the kid a chance. He did great in Florida.
Is there any chance of competing? Are they going to compete? Did they anoint Mayfield?
He definitely has a job.
You know what? I don't know how well they're going to do. I think they're going to give
it a shot. I don't think they're going to try to tank for a draft pick or anything like
that. Just because we still have Evans. We've done some good re-signings. I don't know.
We'll see.
I think at this point, they want to have a winning season to get everyone excited again.
And Baker Mayfield kind of gives them a better chance at a winning season.
I think so.
He's kind of a bridge player.
I think so.
Yeah, he's not the guy long term, but for right now, let's get the town excited again,
and then we'll find the guy.
You know, that's another thing too. That puts butts in seats or keeps butts in seats.
Yes. Though, you know, there is rumor of Lamar Jackson also going to Tampa.
Now let me ask you this.
That would be a weird one.
The price he's asking, do you want him?
No.
Exactly. How can you give a guy that much money when 40% of the time he's not on the field?
I mean, I'm excited to see what Mayfield does, but I kind of wish we would have just given
Chast the chance. I think he was a good understudy.
Yeah.
You know, well, you know, the few games he played were so-and-so.
Well, it's like, yeah, because the guy's been riding the bench.
You have to get him there, get him the reps, let him practice with first team, see what he does.
Yeah.
Just my thought.
Yeah, I agree. Yeah.
Are you from Tampa?
What's that?
Bradenton.
Bradenton, okay.
Yes.
All right, I got one question for you because you fit the demographic.
All right.
Bubba or Kelta?
So who?
Bubba or Kelta? Mike Kelta or Bubba the Love Sponge?
There seems to be two dividing lines down here.
So back in the mornings, I used to listen to Bubba the Love Sponge.
Me too. I'm still a fan. I still listen.
Yeah, I used to. Yeah, and Ned.
Yeah, Ned was fucking awesome.
That's the one thing that bothers me is, I mean, there's no more Ned or Manson.
Well, I mean, those guys, they really were pushing the limits there.
Well, and they kind of ran the cruise too.
You know, the Hogan thing.
Yes.
And then the pig roast.
Yeah, the pig roast is really what got him.
Yeah.
He always put the prison over us.
Yeah.
That was awesome.
Yeah, I like to look on your face when I say that. Oh shit, this guy does know.
Yes, yes.
And then what about MJ? You think he's a sniveling little bitch or what?
Oh, uh.
MJ Kelly or Josh.
I like that better when it's MJ and BJ in the mornings.
And BJ, yeah.
BJ, he's in Denver.
He does a really good show there, man.
If you get a chance, let's do him on the internet. He's still funny.
I will. I will. I'll check it out.
Have a good one, guys.
Mark.
Pleasure talking to you guys.
I'll see you.
Hey, if you get a chance, check us out.
I will, yeah.
Send me a message, man. Let me know what you think.
We want your critiques.
If you don't like, we want to hear it.
No, I'll listen.
If you like, we want to hear it.
Absolutely.
We want to read our criticisms on the podcast.
Yes, we want it.
We can't get to them quick enough.
Nice.
Yeah. I have a very good way of butchering the English language like Bubba does.
Ah, you know.
I think I learned from the best.
Nobody's perfect at it.
No, I love it.
I wouldn't change it.
That's right.
Yeah.
Guys, have a good one.
You too.
Take care and good luck to you guys, man.
Hopefully we'll see you guys.
Appreciate it.
Thank you, guys.
Take care.
Have a good one.
All right.
I'm going to go get our drinks and...
It's going to be a...
All right.
Coming at you live and somewhat unorganized and spontaneous and spur of the moment.
We had a fun little talk with somebody.
That was really cool.
I mean, it...
It thought him a couple of curveball there was cool too.
Yes.
Yeah, because I mean, I've been a fan of Tampa Radio for a long time.
I love the Tampa area.
Like one of my very favorite shows was Spawned.
Well, I mean, he was everywhere, but his notoriety came from Tampa.
Oh my gosh, we're four minutes in.
We haven't introduced ourselves.
Oh, two douchebags.
And a microphone.
Mark.
And I'm Topher.
All right.
Well, we're getting after it like a fucking starving dog on a fucking piece of hamburger.
Yes.
All right.
We're on it like stink on cheese.
Yeah.
We're on it like stink on Mrs. Golfingston or Ms. or whatever, or Ms. or whatever.
We're on it like the rubes and idiots and suckers are flocking to Trump.
Ms. Golfingston, four million worth already.
Ms. Golfingston is the voice that you hear around here when there's no one around just
fucking screaming and yelling at the walls.
That is Ms. Golfingston.
Yeah.
She may be a poltergeist or she may be a homeless woman.
I think that you and I-
You have to just come down here and find out.
I think you and I bore each other so bad that we came up with this character spontaneously
of our own mind.
Yeah.
And I think it's manifested itself audio, audially on the podcast.
Yes.
Yeah.
I remember her on the podcast and nobody else does and like, oh, they're joking.
Oh, you're right.
We probably hear her and see her, but nobody else does.
Nobody else does.
They're like, oh, those two-
Oh, I get it.
Those two jokesters.
Oh, man.
Gosh.
Those two stricts and tricksters.
Gee, we are in a bad way, aren't we?
Yeah, we are.
So anyhow, you had a subject that we both were kind of like raised our eyebrow.
We Joe-lorinated.
Got our eyebrow up going, hmm.
So the floor is yours, Topher.
Alrighty.
We were talking on the way down.
We do kind of a warmup on the way down to get ourselves into podcast mode because normally
we're a lot more incoherent than this, believe it or not.
But we were talking about something that I saw the other day in a dollar store.
A customer went to a store employee and complained that somebody was vaping marijuana in the
store and she didn't like it.
She wants something to be done about it.
And the store employee said, ma'am, I'm sorry, but it's legal now and there's nothing we
can do.
And the customer complained a couple more times and the employees said, I'm sorry.
It was just, yeah, there's nothing I can do.
Nothing.
Yeah.
Now, strictly speaking, yeah, there's something they can do.
They can ask the person to stop.
They can ask the person to leave.
But I am dead sure that the local police department has already told store owners and business
owners, don't bother to call us if somebody's smoking weed in your store.
We don't have the resources to come out and chase someone out just for lighten up.
Yeah.
So in that way, yeah, there's nothing that the store could do about it because the police
won't respond.
Yes.
And the store employees certainly have no authority to physically remove somebody from
their store.
Yeah.
So I guess you do just kind of put a have to put up with it.
Well, okay.
Number one, let's say there's a guy two blocks away with a knife.
Yeah.
Okay.
And there's one cop, which mainly, I mean, this happens all the time because of the resources
that you aforementioned.
Yes.
Okay.
So and there's a guy vaping.
Who do you want that cop to go after?
Guy with the knife?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
You can't you have to pick and choose.
Prioritize.
Some some guys smoking a vape.
Get away from him.
Yeah.
Walk the other fucking way.
Other than that, it's petty and stupid.
Don't even bother.
It's nothing.
Really?
You know, if we had like hundreds of cops sitting around just waiting for something
to do, then yeah, go ahead and call.
But the fact is that they don't there aren't enough police to respond to what's going on
right now.
Mm hmm.
So if someone is free painting your wall, well, that's a shame, but the police aren't
coming.
Yeah.
You know, someone smoking weed in your restaurant, police aren't coming.
No.
And get used to that.
Yeah.
It's just like if you walk outside and someone threw a couple of bags of garbage on your
lawn, go pick it up.
Yeah.
No one's going to come out and no.
No police report.
And if that's not okay, then vote to spend more money on the police department.
Exactly.
Or we're getting what we're paying for.
Or rattle city council and that other guy and the idiots at large rattle their cage
enough to where they fucking do something about it and spend more money on the police
budget instead of turning it down like they did a week ago.
And if you don't believe me, look it up.
All the information is on the internet.
And if they don't like it being specifically to the police, then maybe do something about
mental health with that money.
Don't just deny it.
So maybe you guys need to check on who you fucking hired to do your job.
This is kind of our mantra here is don't take our word for it.
Go look it up.
Yes.
And if you don't bother to look it up, you deserve what you get.
Pretty much.
And you get a two hour response time to a shooting.
That's what you get.
Pretty much.
Yeah.
And if you don't think crime is the main problem in Kansas City, you're an idiot and go live
somewhere else.
There was a public service announcement the other day that really brought this home to
me.
It showed a guy, just an average looking hipster dude, and he started out by doing that IRS
scam.
He's looking right in the camera and he goes, you know, I'm from the IRS and you owe a lot
of back taxes.
IRS agents are on the way to your house to arrest you unless you start paying me in gift
cards.
And then he stopped and he said, would you believe that?
But millions of Americans last year fell for that scam or one like it.
You know what?
And then he said, I'm sorry man, go ahead, I'm sorry.
He said one in six Americans last year were scammed or had their identity stolen.
And then he said, would you believe that?
You shouldn't, I just made that up.
You're pretty gullible, aren't you?
And that's when the spot ended.
And I thought, wow, that's a perfect example because you get one of those serious looking
PSAs and people believe anything they say.
You shouldn't even believe those.
That's why we say look it up yourself because you're going to find out that and a whole
bunch more fun stuff when you look it up yourself.
If you're taking someone else's word for it, then you get what you get.
Exactly.
Yeah.
And the thing is, here's another thing too.
You go to these news outlets and then you can like, you'll see CNN and Fox News.
They'll have the same piece with two different results.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Like let's say it's a poll.
However they do these things, they find a way to swing it in their favor somehow.
Yeah.
And that's what they post.
Manipulate the margin of error.
This is why more than ever you need to go look this stuff up for yourself.
And if you don't, you deserve what you get.
I kind of think it is starting to swing that way where people are less likely to pay attention
to established authority figures or information sources.
Yes.
But we're also, as a society, seem to be way more easily swayed by temporary fans.
I've got a step further to take this subject, okay?
Yeah.
All right.
Now, COVID, during the COVID years, restaurants are going out of business left and right.
And not just because of lack of food sold, but more so the lack of bar patronage.
Yes.
The bar really made them cross the line from red to black because of bar sales.
There's so much of a markup in liquor and alcohol.
Oh yeah.
So when these restaurants lost their bar business, in-house bar business, they were screwed.
So then Missouri, now Kansas did it, but I don't know why they waited so long to do it.
All of a sudden COVID's effectively over as everybody sees it.
Everybody's back to normal.
It's not what it used to be.
Yeah.
To put it that way.
It doesn't hold the same power or whatever.
So okay, anyhow, now they're like, okay, you can grab a drink and take it home from the
bar.
So when Missouri was designed to help the restaurant industry out so they don't all
go out of business.
Yeah.
Golf and Steen alert, Golf and Steen alert.
Oh, hot dog.
Yeah.
So yeah, that was a big way to...
Does anyone hear that?
Call in and let us know.
Yeah, we heard it, but I don't know if anyone else.
I don't think anyone else did.
So yeah, we went through a period of utter, strict, zero tolerance, maximum penalty for
everything, no exclusions, no exceptions.
This will destroy your life kind of, but now we seem to be easing out of that.
Yes.
It's going.
Yeah.
Okay.
So when I was growing up, me and the kids, the rest of them, we're all like, I don't
know, maybe 18, 19.
If we're lucky, someone was 20.
You could get 18 beer after 18 in Kansas.
I just got to cut on.
Yeah, three to beer in Kansas.
Yeah.
Where they couldn't cut me off, but everybody after that, they could.
Yeah.
So until I was 21, I got to enjoy 18 year old 3.2 Piskwater.
Drink enough and you get buzzed.
Yeah, you got to drink and drink and drink and drink to get a buzz.
But we did.
And you got hydrated at the same time.
Yeah, yeah.
It was great.
Yeah.
Cause there's enough water content and it didn't mess up anything.
So we would be out on the back road slamming these things and fucking doing stupid shit.
Someone taking a piss, we'd act like we're running them over or fucking take off on them.
All that good stuff.
Dreaming we had a couple of girls to come drink with us, but that would never happen.
They knew better.
No.
But anyhow, we're out there fucking getting as smashed as you could on 3.2 and all of
a sudden the county mountain would come by.
Oh yes.
Yeah.
They're like, oh shit.
So anyhow, we're, you know, oh fuck, that's so and so, that's fucking Roy.
He's meaner now.
What are you boys doing?
So you knew them.
You know who was who.
Where'd you tell your dad was?
Where'd you tell your dad you were?
Bowling.
Oh yeah?
You want me to give him a call?
No.
I don't have fucking beer.
All right.
Who's driving?
I am.
Let me look at you son.
That's right.
They check out one of you and make sure you were somebody was decent enough to drive.
No, no, no.
You're not driving anymore.
He's driving.
You got a license?
All right.
Okay.
Let me see it.
You're driving.
Okay.
All right.
Now you guys going straight home and I'm going to, they either, it depend on whether the
cop drank or not.
If the cop drank, it went in his trunk.
If he didn't drink, it went on the ground.
I forgot that part.
A lot of times if you knew they drank, they'd be like put that in my trunk.
I'm going to dispose of it later.
And we'd all be like, yeah, down your tote.
You want to go to jail?
Do what you want to with it.
It's fine with us, sir.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
So.
Yeah.
From my side in the mid to later seventies, we had the same thing where the cops would
find us partying somewhere.
We didn't make a report out, but of course we had a lot more weed too.
But nobody ever got arrested.
Nobody ever went to jail.
It was, they.
Oh yeah, bag is shake.
They do the same thing.
Yeah.
They just, they just have you dump it out.
If you had a pipe or a bong or something, they'd break it or, or smash it or something.
They basically ruin your night.
Yeah.
But that was as far as it ever went.
I think if they started catching you like every weekend, the same guys over and over,
then they'd probably do something about go, Hey, one more time.
Yeah.
And then it, then it turned into zero tolerance.
Everybody's getting arrested for everything and getting the maximum penalty for everything.
So it's nice that we seem to be kind of sliding back towards give people a break, let people
make mistakes without destroying their entire existence, which I get, I can get with for
every angry, self righteous person demanding justice and punishment.
You've probably got a dozen people who were saying, you know, I've done that too and got
away with it by the grace of God, or I got caught once and I got off easy.
So I'm okay with giving people a break.
I'm glad to see us going back that direction.
It's, it's never been a good idea to try to jam everybody into a single set of rules that
it's either this or that, you know, yes or no, on or off for everybody.
Not everyone fits into the, into the same pattern.
So you need a legal system that is able to treat people with discretion.
Yes.
Instead of, you know, first offense, life in prison.
Okay.
Now, it sucks.
There's this right here, the first whiplash effect.
And I'm not arguing any of this, but you know, families and children are being killed by
drunk drivers that obviously could have gotten a ride home somehow or else or stay where
they were at.
And I agree with that completely.
Then mad came out.
Yeah.
Mothers against drunk driving.
Mad did did.
Yeah.
Mad did did.
So mad did did became a huge influence as well.
They should have, because if that happened, me or a loved one, I'd be, I'd be mad as
hell too, mad did did as hell too.
So yes.
So now what we're having is, is that our resources are too thin.
So we're sorry, we're going to have to go back to the, we got to have some tolerances
because our prison systems, our jail systems, our court systems are clogged up and we have
no hope of keeping up with the stuff that like is, you know, the violent crimes.
So now it's kind of like, and I mean, it's not quite like it is now.
People was blatantly smashed and like driving all over the place.
Yes, they will go to jail.
But if someone's had a, let, let me put it like this.
Okay.
Mr. Rogers.
Yeah.
No, no, no relation to Aaron.
No relation to Aaron that we know of.
Yes.
Okay.
No priors.
He goes down to Mexican restaurant.
It's Sunday afternoon and everybody wants burritos.
And they're like, Hey man, will you go down to let's say margaritas, go down to margaritas,
get us all burritos.
And I don't know, maybe some of that fucking queso dip and I don't know, maybe, you know,
so okay.
All right.
So Mr. Roger is Rogers is there.
Okay.
And he's like, yeah, you know what?
I think I'll take a margarita to go.
And he plans on drinking at home, but you know, sometimes things don't work out.
Right.
So he's like, you know what?
I'm going to take a, I'm going to take a little drink of it here.
And he ends up drinking about half of it.
Mr. Rogers swerves to avoid a squirrel.
Mr. Cop behind him sees Mr. Rogers swerving to avoid the squirrel.
And then anyhow, so he gets stopped.
So the cop comes up there and he's like, yeah, okay, Mr. Rogers, no priors, nothing, model
citizen family at home.
And he has one margarita to go with half of it drunk.
And he's obviously not drunk.
And he told the officer, man, you know what?
I swerve to avoid a squirrel.
We're going to let him go because number one, he wasn't doing anything really that wrong.
He wasn't drunk.
He wasn't trashed.
He's not habitual.
So the stuff like that is going away.
Plus it costs everybody a lot of money to follow up on those charges and make it, you
know, do it all officially.
And strictly speaking, law enforcement and the court system doesn't want to spend the
money on a guy like that.
They really don't.
And I don't want to spend the money on a guy like that either.
So I think it's become more about changing public opinion and tolerance about these things.
And the courts and the justice system are breathing a sigh of relief that, you know,
thank God, because the American public has been making us enforce these super strict
laws and we just can't anymore.
If you tell everyone, throw your trash in that hole in the ground and the hole fills
up, you can't keep telling them, throw your trash in that hole in the ground.
But we're putting all these people in jail and there isn't any room anymore.
No spots.
Yet we keep flooding the jails with more and more people.
Why don't we change something so we don't put so many people in jail?
We need to prioritize what really needs to stop and what we can live with.
Yes, like the people harassing influencers, those probably should go to a little, I don't
know, a hero camp?
I think so too.
Yeah, I think so too.
And the people promoting kale, they probably should go to like Death Valley.
Oh, whoever, okay.
Anyone caught having anything to do with kale, number one, check their hard drive.
Number two, just go in and throw them in prison because they do not need to be out on society.
That's one thing that we cannot allow.
And chances are if they're really into kale, they're not really from this planet anyway.
No, no.
Number one, they're easily implemented.
Hey, you want to talk or anything?
I see you laughing.
I saw the sign.
Okay, that's cool.
Is that a song?
I saw the sign.
No, I'm sorry.
Okay.
Everything reminds me of the song.
Who sang that shit?
It was, I'm hearing a female voice singing that.
It is.
Ace of Base.
That's it.
All right.
Even though they virtually had no base.
No, no, no.
Anyhow, all right.
We were talking about kale.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
We got a trash kale on every episode.
It's just who we are.
Listen, if you're a kale lover, you have the number.
It's been advertised.
It's on Facebook.
Let's see.
Well, you know, I'm not even going to give it out on here because by the time they hear
it, they'll call it.
No, I will give it out on here.
Here's why.
They'll call in a bitch about kale and we'll make fun of them.
Yeah, there we go.
So, what were we talking about?
Oh, okay.
816-312-7717.
That is the douchebag hotline.
All right.
But you're not going to hear this for like a couple of days.
Oops.
We have it posted.
So, you know what?
You see it, you call.
There we go.
Okay.
Anyhow, the other day I was sitting there and I was looking at different fruits at the
store and I was like, man, what if this orange fucking jumped up and picked a fight with
a pomegranate?
As they would want to do.
Yeah, yeah.
It happens all the time.
Who would win?
An orange and a pomegranate.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, don't worry.
We have a little thing written out here.
All right.
We've got an organized...
Oh, and coincidentally here coming up, we do have a deer douchebag.
Good.
Yep.
You're welcome, America.
Helping people one email at a time.
That's us.
Selfless.
So giving.
We just give and give and give.
I give so much it makes us cry inside.
Cry with joy.
Okay, anyhow.
What if fruit had a fight, who would win?
Okay.
What about a grape versus a pomegranate?
I'm going to go with the pomegranate.
Me too.
It's got more initial size.
Plus, it could divide and conquer.
Yes.
It could split open and send all those little seeds out and kind of overwhelm them.
That's exactly what I imagine too.
Little seeds being like little soldiers.
Yeah.
They'd go over there and just like pricking the grape and all the juice that come out
that it would be raising.
It's like having a thousand mosquitoes bite you.
Yeah, yeah.
I think a pomegranate would stomp a grape.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to go with the pomegranate.
I think it'd be an easy victory.
Yeah.
I think it'd be like a round one.
Just like a pomegranate would all surround the grape and just start mashing and then
the grape would implode into nothing.
It'd be like some of those Tyson fights early in his career.
Yes, yeah.
Just like bam.
It's like hey, what happened to the fight?
Did it get postponed?
Oh no, no.
It's over.
What?
All 38 seconds of it happened back while you were in the bathroom.
Yeah.
You know that last piss when you got up to get that Coors Light?
That was it.
And you know, the fun part was it took like, you know, one of those fights was, you know,
it was literally less than a minute.
So that meant Tyson earned millions of dollars for less than a minute's work.
Oh yeah, yeah.
The thing I would like to know this, then we'll get back on this real quick because
I'm derailing it like I'm very famous to do, is this right here.
Okay.
Were a majority of those tomato cans or were they legitimate fighters?
Was it the time?
He was a great fighter.
Don't get me wrong, one of the best ever.
Yeah.
But was it the timing?
I think they were decent fighters and they weren't necessarily, as you said, tomato cans,
but they were mismatched.
But they weren't Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali.
Right.
They couldn't handle Tyson's style of fighting.
And they didn't have any kind of overwhelming style that would challenge Tyson until Buster
Douglas just came in and physically beat him because Tyson wasn't training as much as he
should have.
Nope, nope, he wasn't.
Yeah, I agree.
You see, at that point you didn't have a George Foreman.
You didn't have a Joe Frazier.
You didn't have a, let's see, there's some other really good ones there too that were
perennial contenders.
And it's hard to compare a lot of boxers because in the different weight categories, style
of fighting is vastly different.
Oh, I know.
In the heavyweights, it's physical punishment.
In the lighter weights, it's all about scoring hits.
And it's hard to move up or move down in the boxing industry too.
I'm talking weight wise.
And the reason is-
No one ever really succeeds if they move more than one weight class.
No, the only one was a Holyfield.
Holyfield legitimately was a middleweight and moved up to a heavyweight and legitimately
won.
That's pretty rare, as you said.
It's very rare.
If you have a certain natural body type and you radically change that, you're just not
going to be as strong or as instinctive because that's not how you're used to being in your
real life.
Yeah, that's true.
If you're, yeah.
Yep.
Okay, no, that's true.
And you slow down so much whenever you do add weight and you lose so much strength when
you take away weight.
So basically I think is what you're born with basically is about where you're going to be
at, add a couple of pounds for strengthening and conditioning.
So okay, the next one on the docket, oranges versus nectarines.
Well, they're both pretty juicy.
Yeah, I've got a distinct one on here and I'll tell you, but go ahead first.
You go.
Let's see, I would say probably the nectarine.
So the nectarine is basically a peach without the hair on it.
You see, that's what Val said too.
Yeah.
So I think that would be able to handle the orange just with the juiciness.
Okay, I went with an orange because of the tough rind.
Oh yeah, that's a good point.
It's got a tough rind and it's hard to peel.
I think that the nectarine would keep smacking it and hurting itself with that tough rind.
And then I think after it wore out, the orange would just roll over on it.
Yeah, yeah, I can see that too.
Yeah.
Okay.
The orange would dry up its face until it smashed in.
So I'm picturing fruit doing terrible things.
I'm going to kill you.
Okay, the next one, bananas versus grapefruits.
You know, I think banana is going to win a lot of this because of the piercing ability.
You know what?
I might change my mind on this.
Go ahead.
Yeah, grapefruit's pretty tough.
The rind is actually tougher than an orange.
It's thinner, but it's tougher.
See, I thought a grapefruit would just jump on it and keep it down.
Yeah.
Yeah, it'd be like, who's your daddy?
Bap!
Who's your daddy?
Bap!
And I'll think a banana could get up if a grapefruit was laying straight on it.
Yeah, yeah.
But then again, a banana could jab.
Like if it was one of those real tough green bananas.
See, yeah, and I also imagine a banana, talking about this, I think I kind of changed my mind.
I'm going to go with banana because I think a banana's a high jumper.
I think a banana could jump over like one of those...
Like a porpoise, like a flipper, flipping, jumping out of the water like they do at SeaWorld.
Yeah, I think it could also be like a...
You throw them and they come back to you.
Boomerang.
A boomerang.
There we go, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We just played a million dollar pyramid of passwords.
Yeah.
You throw them and they come back to you.
A boomerang.
Now, you said banana versus pineapple.
I'd have to go with pineapple.
Yeah, well pineapple would bring all his swinger friends out.
Yeah, then they'd try to...
That's true.
Yeah, then they'd try to have sex with you.
That's right.
Pineapples don't travel alone.
No, they don't.
Okay.
All right.
How about avocado versus a plum?
Avocados got the advantage of that big honking seed right in the middle.
And also, you can get huge avocados if you go to the right store.
Right.
Plums, you kind of reach an upper limit.
I think plums are mushy too.
Yeah.
Which would indicate to me that they're kind of soft and wishy-washy.
Yeah.
I think a plum would come out and go, I'm going to kick your ass.
Well, no, maybe I'm not.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I don't think so.
Yeah, I think...
Yeah, I'm going avocado.
Okay, avocado would.
Besides that, like you said, they got that deep, rich, dark color.
They just come out and go, hey, hey, come here.
Got a fucking problem?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm just a plum.
I ain't got any problem, dude.
I'll get the fuck out of here.
This is my spot.
Okay.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a plum.
You know me.
So anyhow.
All right.
Next one.
Okay.
I think the avocado is a scrapper anyhow.
Yeah.
And anyhow, basically that's what I had here.
I think, let's see, how about a papaya versus a mango?
Wow.
A couple of tropical fruits here.
Mangos are tough.
I'm going to go with a mango.
Me too.
I put down, I think a mango is a scrapper all the way.
A mango would throat punch a papaya.
Yeah.
I mean, you just walk up and just smack it right in the throat.
And then when the papaya is lying on the ground gurgling gas from forever, go, don't fuck with
me, kid.
And he'll walk off.
And when he throws, he put a cigarette out on his face.
Yeah.
And the mango's got that- Tell your friends, tell your fucking papaya
friends to stay the fuck off here.
Go ahead.
I'm sorry.
The mango's got that skin oil that's highly irritating too.
Oh yeah.
That's right.
I'm allergic to that, the skin oil from mangoes.
Oh shit.
So if someone peels it for me, I can eat a mango, but I can't peel one myself.
So if someone wanted to play a very bad trick on you, they could papaya up your fucking
PJs.
Mango.
Did I say papaya?
Mango.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
Okay, mango.
Yeah, mango.
I like mango, but they've got that big flat seed in there that's-
They're good.
You know, everything sticks to you real hard.
I like them in drinks.
I like mango in drinks.
Have you ever had them in a drink?
Mm-hmm.
It's really good.
Okay.
And supposedly eating raw mango will enhance your high if you're smoking weed.
Oh really?
I've heard that.
I've never tried it.
Kind of like orange juice does with acid and all that.
Yeah, something like that.
Oh, okay.
All right.
The vitamins in it?
No, back in the day, everybody used to, whenever you saw them with a fucking jar of orange
juice, yeah, and there was only jars back then.
Yeah.
Jars of orange juice.
Oh, they were planting acid.
You do bet they were on acid.
Yeah, there we go.
Yep.
Plus they'll hydrate you while you're seeing the little forest animals running around.
That's true, yeah.
When trees are jumping around telling you that they love you.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, you had a bottle of orange juice in your hand.
Cherry versus blueberries.
I've got a definite one of those.
Wow, I'm kind of going back and forth.
Cherry has got the big cherry pit in it, but the blueberries have that antioxidant going
for it.
Yeah, that's true.
Well, I'll stick with cherry.
Me too.
I think a cherry is a tough little bastard that grew up in the streets.
Probably has a set of numb chucks.
So when the blueberry comes up to ask for directions, the cherry's just going to smack
it right in the fucking head.
Cherries survived George Washington.
That's true.
Yeah.
They got their notoriety from there.
Yeah, remember George Washington did that hate crime against the cherry tree?
Yes, he did.
But he couldn't tell a lie, so he screwed himself.
Who the fuck came up with that?
What kind of bizarre fucking idiot said, well, we got to prop this guy up.
What do we do?
He chopped down a cherry tree, and then his parents asked him, they said, I can't tell
a lie.
I did it.
That's bullshit.
He went and webbed it on his brother, Felipe.
Felipe Washington.
He said, I didn't do it if Felipe did.
What?
And you know, that was something made up for Washington's political campaign.
What idiots.
And I was still being taught that when I was in grade school.
I know.
I know, me too.
People perpetuated that lie for that long.
Hey, look, food.
They're still perpetuating that lie.
People probably still think that that really happened.
You're right.
They probably do.
Well, do they still teach it?
I'm not so sure they still teach it.
No, they barely teach anything anymore.
No, no, no, no, no.
Instead, they just say, hey, we were here.
And other than that, yeah, that's about it.
So anyhow, OK.
We got there from cherries and blueberries.
Yes, we did.
OK.
Let's see.
All right.
What's the difference between watermelon and watermelon?
I already stated what I think.
Wow.
Watermelon's got an advantage through size.
Yeah, but I think watermelon would, for me, be like a manatee, kind of defenseless, kind
of big blob, just kind of like that in there.
Yeah, you know how easily they crack and split open?
Yeah, watermelon would be over there going, hey, what's up?
That's what's up, you son of a bitch.
Get off my turf.
Yeah, off the roof.
Oh, pineapple has those little fucking prickly vines too.
Those little spines on it, yeah.
You'd probably jab the watermelon a couple of times in the gut.
Yeah.
The watermelon would roll over and try to call 911.
Yeah, the watermelon rolls over something like an inch tall and then it'll split wide open.
Yeah.
So watermelon's a pushover.
People are knocking the piss out of it all day, walking by knocking on it and stuff,
and then throwing it back in the bin.
Injecting it full of vodka.
Oh, well, there's nothing wrong with that.
That's fine.
OK.
Let's see.
Peach versus apple.
This one is good.
To me, this is a very close duel.
I think it's one that'll be decided with maybe a trip or maybe a headbutt.
Yeah, yeah.
I think it's very evenly matched in there.
I'll go with the apple on this, a nice, firm, crisp apple.
I would too.
It could probably beat the crap out of the peach.
I think so too.
I think an apple's hard enough to where if it headbutted it or tripped it, I think it
could take a peach down.
But I think a peach is a scrapper because it's got a chip on its shoulder because everybody
likes nectarines because it doesn't have all the fuzz.
But a peach is so much better in a jar or canned or whatever.
But still, they get motherfucked because of the fuzz.
So I think they have a chip on their shoulder, but I still think an apple could take it.
And besides that, an apple is the original sin.
So I think an apple is just kind of like, fuck you guys.
We invented sin.
I'll kill you.
It's an interesting thing.
If Adam and Eve had been Cajun, they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple
and we'd all be fine.
Yeah, that would have been cooler than hell.
Yeah.
Well, there you go.
That snake would have showed up and they would have said, let's barbecue this snake.
Hell yeah.
Hey guys.
Hey, how you doing, man?
I'm good.
How you doing today?
I'm good, man.
I remember him.
I do too.
Yeah, that's the women have their place guy.
Yeah.
He's with a different chick though.
Looks like it.
And he didn't want to talk.
Nope.
Okay.
Joshua, that was his name.
Yeah, Joshua.
Let's see.
Oh, okay.
This one is pretty interesting.
Okay.
A fig versus a date.
This one is really hard.
Yeah.
This one is really soft.
Dates are fairly small and soft.
I'm going to say it's a draw.
I think they're both going to wear out and just kind of shake hands and leave.
Yeah.
I can see it just, yeah.
I don't see a clear winner between a date.
Look at each other and go, we're just fighting because these douchebags do us in the same
ring together.
It's like dates and currents.
They're almost the same thing anyway.
Yeah, they're almost the same thing.
Yeah.
So yeah.
Okay.
So there's our first tie.
Okay.
Got a tie.
Let's see.
This one is pumpkin versus rhubarb.
I'm going to go pumpkin.
Me too, because of the size.
Yeah.
They don't split like watermelons do.
And rhubarb is also a root.
Yeah.
So imagine it being that mobile.
Yeah.
You just kind of snap the stalks over and they're all done.
Yeah.
So I think a pumpkin roll over and snap it in half and no more rhubarb.
So all right.
Strawberry versus blackberry.
And this is the final one.
I think strawberry is going to win that.
Blackberries are pretty fragile.
You smack them and they'll just scatter into all sorts of little holes.
Yeah.
And I mean, I also think that a strawberry could do something with the seeds on it too.
Yeah.
They could maybe extrude them and like hit the blackberry in the face.
Now there is something to be said if a blackberry makes it to maturity because the birds are
all over those.
So it's like one in a million blackberries actually makes it.
So okay, can we put a little asterisk by that because it'd have to be one tough blackberry
to make it to a bullhead.
If it makes it to there, then the blackberry will win.
Yeah.
Okay.
Two.
Deuce bags.
And a microphone.
More fun than a taser tube juggernaut.
This.
Aignborn ass radio kid.
It's the next generation.
Podcast.
Two thimble dicks and a crash cart will be right back.
Coming up.
A blast from the past.
This is where we take old shows and incorporate them into new shows.
Because you fucks refuse to go get it.
I mean, you know, while we're talking about stinky stuff and all this, you know, about
10 years ago, they decided they're going to come up with some different douche flavors.
Oh.
Yeah.
But they didn't go over very well.
Wait a minute.
Who's tasting it?
Well, I don't know if it's a taste or a smell.
Yeah.
Well, on the other hand, you know, if a person would use the douche prior to oral sex, maybe
that would be.
Maybe that's what they're wanting to.
So what kind of flavor goes well with the vagina?
We obtained it.
We exclusively are crack staff here at crack staff.
I love it.
Yeah.
Here at two douche bags and a microphone.
We obtained a couple of things about douches.
We ought to be experts.
Here's a spoiler.
We're not experts about anything.
No.
Yeah.
Is that actually a spoiler?
You think they're just like scratching their head going?
Yeah, we realized this.
Yeah.
If they needed to be told that we're not experts and that we will lie to you if it entertains
us, well, you're probably missing the point of the whole podcast if we have to be told
that part.
If you believe a fucking thing comes out of our mouth, I question you as a person.
Yes.
If you believe nothing else, believe it when we say look it up for yourself, find out for
yourself, make up your own mind, quit relying on what other people told you.
End of that, next week probably or the week after, we have this special guest that just
by chance he runs into us every now and then.
We prefer to call him Deep Sky, but he calls himself Brandon.
That was the name he was using at the time.
We know it's not actually really Brandon.
This guy is an expert on the Deep State and the big cover up going on everywhere.
Now, listen, I mean, I think that a lot of what this guy says, there's a lot of truth
in it.
I don't believe all of it.
I think it's like anything.
People take part of the truth and then they expand it into whatever.
The more you look, the more you can find information that will justify just about anything you
choose to believe.
Yeah.
The whole thing is this guy is uber intelligent.
Very, very.
He-
Very organized.
He is a walking encyclopedia of this stuff.
He believes it with all his heart.
We're hoping to find him again here soon.
We haven't seen him in a few weeks.
He kind of got freaked out because he wanted to take a picture of him there with us.
He wasn't having that.
I have no idea what Brandon's into or anything.
As a matter of fact, he didn't even want to listen to the podcast.
Yeah.
Anyhow.
Very, very grateful he agreed to talk to us for quite a long time.
Yeah.
Hopefully, we will see him again.
If not, we probably have about five hours of this guy and he jumped in one day when
we were talking about Jim Morrison and rock stars.
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
Anyhow, he came in and was talking to us about Jim Morrison the day he died.
His dad signed the Magna Carta.
Was that it?
No.
He was saying that Jim Morrison's dad was in military intelligence.
Yeah.
Jim Morrison was directly connected to the Gulf of Tonkin incident which justified the
Vietnam War.
That was it.
Okay.
The way it was conducted.
Anyhow.
Then he was saying more.
I'm not going to do any more spoilers beyond that.
Also, numerology, the big satanic cult, all this stuff.
Listen, like I said, I don't believe everything that he says, but whenever he speaks, I find
it extremely interesting, extremely entertaining, and thought provoking.
He makes your brain do that little dance every time he talks.
Yeah.
As long as you're open to possibilities and new ideas and listen with that attitude, he's
got so much interesting things, so many interesting things to say.
Even if you don't necessarily agree with all the conclusions, there's a lot of interesting
information along the way that is both verifiable and verifiable.
A lot of it is factual, what he's speaking of is factual.
Yeah, verifiable and had a great impact on a lot of things.
He's actually the guy that uncovered the deuce flavors for us.
Oh, excellent work.
Yeah.
He went to Massengill and he did a big espose.
Anyhow, I mean, the first one that went over horribly was Bloody Mary.
They just did not like the name.
They thought Bloody Mary was just a very bad fit for addiction.
I can just see the ad picture.
Where would they put the stalk of celery?
That might've been one of the problems.
Yeah, that could be it.
It's like if you write a beautiful song that's called Suck My Ass, then people aren't going
to want to listen to it.
I would, but I'm a douchebag.
What's your favorite song?
Suck My Ass.
Sorry, damn.
It's just like I remember the back of Circus Magazine, I think it was Keith Richards.
No, it wasn't Keith Richards.
Who was it?
Shit, I think it was like Nick Bocotte of, remember the old metal band Grim Reaper?
They just talk to him and they go, hey, what's your favorite ballad?
He goes, Highway to Hell.
Good comeback.
I think he was serious.
So Bloody Mary is a no go.
No, that's no go.
And then after that they tried to take advantage of the health price.
So any health back then, kale was a big item back then.
Well didn't go over so well.
They took it down to the corner market deals.
If you were actually getting like- Sprouts said no.
Whole Foods said no.
If you were getting some actual kale with it, that would be one thing, but it's just
the kale flavor without the nutrition.
Yeah, that's not the issue.
It's just like a meme going around how to serve kale and it shows them throwing it in
the garbage.
Nobody really likes kale.
They say they do, they just want you to like that.
Let's face it, it's a douche bag status.
So what did you have for lunch?
Oh I had a kale sandwich.
With quinoa.
I put my hand up and walk away.
I do the talk to the hand and then I leave.
I don't even say another word.
Do I hear the word kale?
It's like no.
I smell water and vinegar.
A kale salad is what a douche would be, right?
Well anyhow, kale was a no go.
So you know, the Massagel's like shit, they want to go the complete opposite.
Let's do some unhealthy food.
So they came up with cotton candy.
Oh my gosh.
I would think that you'd want her to have a Brazilian, otherwise you start to get a
little association in your mind.
Oh, Babble Snatch.
Babble Snatch would have been a great flavor.
Yeah, that was a very popular gum.
Oh god yeah.
Very popular gum.
Once you have Babble Snatch, you don't like any other gum.
You didn't want to babble in any other Snatch again.
No, no that was it.
Especially Paul at 7-Eleven.
Me and him love each other.
He sends me Christmas cards, everything.
But cotton candy went over horribly.
It went over like a flaming pile of shit.
Like it probably should have.
Let's hope they didn't do flaming pile of shit flavor.
That would actually probably have a market now that you think about it.
Well, you know, and then Massingale, the crack staff down there was scratching their heads
like, you know what, maybe we need to get on the Latin tip.
There's a lot of Latinos and Latinos in America.
Yeah, broaden your market base and try to expand into other markets.
So we're going to do a little spicy.
We're going to get a little warm here.
So they came up with wasabi.
Oh, wasabi.
I guess wasabi didn't go so well.
They were like, you know, man, you know, they're like, you know, it's hot, has some flavor.
You know, I mean, there's a couple fold on that.
Not only the person that were that's, you know, hanging around the brush, so to speak,
you know, but also the person that was using the wasabi probably didn't care for it either.
I imagine a lot of perspiring going on.
I met a man years ago who thought that Vicks VapoRub was an excellent sexual lubricant.
Yikes.
Oh, I've got my Alberto, my Alberto V05 story, but I will save that for another podcast.
Let's just say it's not a good lubricant.
Okay.
Let's just leave it right there.
All right.
And besides that, someone listen, this podcast might know what I'm talking about.
No spoilers?
Listen, this is your 30 day warning.
If you don't want this broadcast, send me a message.
When we mean that in the friendliest, most non-threatening way possible.
Absolutely.
So that would be my cue to say it with names.
So wasabi fell on its face.
Yeah.
Well, then they're like, you know, the crack staff down there scratching their heads again.
What can we do to get across that, you know, that our douches are just, you know, we're
the new kinder gentler douches.
We asked 100 people, what flavor do you want to sit on your face?
Well, the next one was hot damn.
Was that cinnamon whiskey?
Yes.
Kind of thing.
So, you know, they're like, you know, hot damn.
How can you go wrong with that, man?
You know, freshens your breath and smash, you know, you get smashed.
I mean, you know, it's a great concept to think about, you know.
The alcohol content would probably help cut down on some UTIs.
Hey Willie, what are you doing?
Drinking?
What are you drinking?
Hot damn.
I'm doing shots out of, well.
This container is really unique.
I'm using this nice fur tea cup.
This is the coolest shot glass I've ever had in my life.
I think that was in an Alice Cooper song.
That was Feed My Frankenstein.
Feed My Frankenstein, yeah.
I love that song.
Yeah, he referred to.
Feed My Frankenstein.
He referred to licking an ice cream cone and drinking from a fur tea cup.
A fur tea cup, I wrote that one.
Good ol' Alice.
Yeah.
Well, you know, Mazinger, they're called what the fuck can we do?
So they kind of decided to maybe go to the Fringe, maybe hit the country folk, maybe
hit the Rednecks and the Hicks up and stuff like that.
So naturally it went to a skull dip flavor.
Oh, for when you're going down on the farm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, we've got a mouthful of chaw, you know.
So that would tend to be like a big menthol flavor.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I guess you could go Copenhagen straight tobacco flavor, but you'd start sneezing probably
down there.
That wouldn't be a good idea, you know.
Yeah, no whistling through the wheat field.
Oh boy.
And then, you know, out of habit, you probably, you know, have to every now and then turn
your head and spit.
And that doesn't go over well.
No.
It's like, why are you doing that?
Did you get a hair or something?
What's wrong?
Oh, sorry.
It's just the flavor.
I mean, yeah, that's what I do whenever I get around menthol.
Sorry.
So, yeah, I can see that not going well.
Yeah, they didn't go so well.
So, you know, they're like, you know, we're going to try to appeal to the younger crowd,
but not too young.
You know, kind of, you know, maybe the 20, early 20 something, maybe 18 year old, you
know.
Yeah.
For the sake of staying legal, 18, maybe 18 to 25 or something like that.
You know, that demo.
So they went lucky charms.
I wonder if you could get the version, the version with just marshmallows.
Did you say virgin?
I almost did.
Did you get the virgin with just marshmallows?
I guess virgins could use it.
You know, that's okay.
So the marshmallows that you get just the marshmallows, they weren't selling them for
a while.
Just the marshmallows.
You can get the St. Patrick's Day version with a mixture of green clovers in.
Oh, these are tragically suspicious.
No, no, no.
They're magically delicious.
You start clicking your heels.
Oh, these lucky charms.
They hit me spot.
And then you'll hear her say, oh, you found the pot of gold.
If you're lucky, you'll hear that.
Oh, you little.
Lucky charms.
Wow.
Well, you know, that actually could probably work, you know, because people like sweet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you get to drink the milk water afterwards.
Okay, now I can see how that didn't work.
There's no cereal milk after this.
Well, you know, the massive girls are there just scratching their heads going, we don't
know what to do.
Getting the wrong focus groups, apparently.
Yeah, they got another group in and they decided, you know, crab.
Oh, crab with a K.
Yeah.
Nice.
Yeah, they're saying crab flavored juices.
Well, you know, seafood, fish, you know, it just didn't have a good ring, you know, considering
the subject matter, they just really, you know, crab just didn't really, yeah, kind
of fell on its face, so to speak.
Yeah, that's like putting gold leaf on a chrome bumper.
It's already, you know, it's already all that it can be along those lines.
Yes, they're like, you know, okay, okay, maybe not crab.
That's a little overpowering.
How about a boiled shrimp?
Especially around Fat Tuesday.
Yeah, yeah, with that spice and everything.
Yeah, you could, you could have, you know, etouffee and you could have gumbo and you
have jambalaya version.
You could go any way with it at all.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, who doesn't like a good New Orleans celebration?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, um, evidently that didn't do too well either, people weren't real crazy about the
boiled shrimp and it didn't really go on its plate.
Didn't go for the Creole crotch.
No, no, no, Creole crotch, no boiled shrimp, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
just get the fuck out of here, you and your fucking boiled shrimp here.
Take your packet, take your spice packet with you.
See, that's the include the spice packet with the douche.
That could, that could be a game changer.
Yeah, because then you could always, if it didn't work out, you could always just go
boil some shrimp.
Yeah.
So anyhow, so then, you know, the crack staff in Massingale's, you know, let's try maybe
a snack or something.
So they went with extra sharp cheddar cheese.
Extra sharp cheddar cheese.
It's not even the real cheese, just the cheese.
It's yeah.
Yeah.
Just the cheese.
It's square pieces of shit.
That way you can get the marketing tie in and you know, cheese will help, you know,
pay the cost of the advertising.
With the crunch also.
So you know, you're eating some cheese.
It's you're like, hmm, this reminds me of something.
Like what are you doing?
Or else maybe right in the middle, right in the middle, you think, damn, after this is
over, I'd like to have some cheese.
Well needless to say, the extra sharp cheddar cheese, it's didn't go that well.
So anyhow, they were, they're forced to maybe go with some other direction and anyhow, so
that can't wait.
And the final one that we've uncovered or Brandon uncovered for us, sushi.
Well, for obvious reasons, sushi did not do that well as a douche flavor.
Yeah.
It was quickly scrapped in favor of just traditional.
But you know, sushi would go well with the wasabi flavor as well.
So if you get the two flavors together and mix them, a little wasabi sushi douche.
Yeah.
So let's see wasabi sushi douche.
I like that.
Yeah.
It kind of rolls off the tongue.
Keep them well away from lucky charms and cotton candy.
Yeah.
I'm kind of surprised they didn't go for any like comfort food.
Like you know, mashed potatoes and gravy.
That would be a great one.
Yeah.
Maybe or tenderloin.
A tenderloin flavored douche, you know, and then or, you know, that would go with the
mashed potatoes and gravy.
Yeah.
Corn dog.
Yeah.
You hit everybody at the fair with that.
Yeah.
How about, and you know, people like deep fried Snickers flavored douche.
I think that is one.
I think that that would probably sell really well in a certain demographic.
You know, the one who likes the deep fried foods.
She had these different flavored douches.
I mean, that one would win out clearly.
Yeah.
You'd have like a.
It's like dessert.
No kale.
The peanut butter flavored one is sounds okay, but I kind of need some jelly or something
to go with it.
The kale one is the one you have to use on like during the lint or something.
Yeah.
It's like, yeah, it's lint.
I gave up meats and I'm going to eat this stuff with like virtually no taste.
Yeah.
And then we have the really tasty douches for lint.
For lint.
We're using the kale.
It shows God I'm serious.
You know, God looks down and goes, oh, kale?
You're going to heaven.
Yeah.
That's a lot of dedication eating that bullshit.
Eating that scam.
Yeah.
See, that's, that's, that's how I know God doesn't want us to eat kale because God doesn't
want us to suffer.
That's true.
God loves us.
He doesn't want us to eat kale.
It's biblical.
I'm pretty sure somewhere it says kale is bullshit.
Yeah.
Okay.
Maybe it doesn't, but anyway.
Let's start the rumor as of right now.
Kale is bullshit.
And if you like kale, you are an insufferable prick.
Remember that, that plastic parsley they used to serve on your restaurant plate.
That stuff tastes better.
That actually is what kale is.
They just, they just got better at, you know, printing out the plastic.
Oh, it's like today's artificial turf.
You can't tell from grass.
Well kale is that artificial parsley.
Yep.
It doesn't actually grow out of the soil so much as is, you know, 3D printed out of plastic
come this.
You know, Mark Zuckerberg likes kale.
Mark Zuckerberg is kale.
Yeah, he's, he is coconut oil infused kale.
He is.
Wow.
That makes me want to hurl this right now.
Christopher, you know our elaborate prank section, right?
Mm hmm.
Okay.
Well, I've got one for you.
It's about Babel snatch, have I?
No.
Okay.
Even if I did, just say I didn't know.
You know, there's nothing about Babel snatch.
Yeah.
I would think I would remember a name like Babel snatch.
Okay.
So.
Well, Babel snatch, this is back in the 80s, probably mid 80s, best guess.
Could have been 87 at the latest, but anyhow.
Yeah, I used to go to the 7-Eleven in Belvedere, which isn't there now.
It was knocked down and then replaced way later by a quick trip.
But anyhow, I used to go in there all the time and you know, go in there and buy sodas
and shit and whatever, you know, rolling papers for my friends, not for me.
And anyhow, you know, just shit like that.
So anyhow, there's this guy in there.
He, I don't know, you know, I think he hated long hairs or something, but hey, I noticed
he was nice to everybody but me.
Like I'd be like third in line and anyhow, you know, the first guy, Hey, Mr. Jones, how
you doing?
Oh man.
Yeah.
Everything's going good, man.
I got the got the old tourists running really good.
Yeah.
Come by man.
Well, the old tourists, you know, I come up there 142.
So how you doing?
142.
Okay.
And I'm like, what the hell?
How come this guy hates me?
And every time I go in there, nicest pie to everybody, but me, it's like, just like,
it'd be 249.
So, uh, well, there's pretty nice out there.
Thanks.
Bye.
Motherfucker.
So he did this so many times and he just never talked to me.
He wouldn't even like hardly look at me, you know?
So, and I never did nothing to this fucker that I know of, you know, maybe someone said
something like this guy said, you know, that you're a dick or maybe someone screw him like,
Hey man, you think you got a nice ass?
Whatever the fucking deal was, the guy was just a complete tool bag to me constantly.
So I was like, hi bitch.
So I go home and I think about it.
Okay.
So I start calling up and I go, Hey, uh, you got any Babel snatch gum?
What?
Babel snatch.
I mean, everybody, I mean, I bought it from there a couple of weeks ago.
Stuff is fucking awesome, man.
I'll tell you what, man, you know, talk to your manager about it.
Is this like a breath freshener?
I don't, you know, maybe a bubble gum.
I just came up with it and any other guy, he bent on it.
You know, he was like, Oh yeah, I'll check on it for you.
Hey, thanks man.
I appreciate it.
So anyhow, so I called back a little bit later.
Yeah.
Someone called earlier, you know, and anyhow, I'm sure we have it here somewhere, but you know,
I'll talk to my manager about it tonight and we'll see what we can do.
So anyhow, I have a couple other people call it about Babel snatch gum.
And, you know, and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, we're, we're working on getting it in.
Okay.
You know, the regional manager, we called him and he said that he was going to work on getting it in here.
And, and I go, well, you know, I bought it the other day and it's just so good.
And they believe me.
I go, man, this gum is just so great tasting.
And he's like, it's Babel snatch, right?
Yeah.
Babel snatch.
That's the name of it.
Okay.
All right.
I would have loved to listen into the conversation when he's asking the regional manager about it.
Asking the regional manager about Babel snatch.
Oh yeah.
So, you know, anyhow, I called down there the next day and I go, Hey man, you know, you got that Babel snatch gum.
You know, the guy's like, Oh, hang on, hang on.
I think it's in, we just had a load.
Hang on.
So anyhow, so the guy's like, you know, and this is the guy I hated, the Paul guy.
So anyhow, he's like, yeah, hang on a second.
So I hear him like, yeah, I'm going to go to the back there and it's in one of the boxes.
I said it was coming in today.
So, all right, no big deal.
So I hear him go back, I hear some rustling and a couple of people come in and then he stops.
He goes up there.
Oh yeah, it'd be 1242.
Okay.
Thank you.
Have a good day.
And then he helps someone else.
I hear him go back again.
I hear him rustling through some more boxes.
Meanwhile, I'm laughing my ass off.
Anyhow, this guy, he like for like 20 minutes is looking for Babel snatch gum.
So, so anyhow, so like finally, like a half hour later he comes back.
He goes, man, he goes, look, I know we're going to have it in by the end of the day.
I talked to my manager.
Okay.
All right, man.
All right.
I'll come in at night and I'll get some gum and save some for me, man.
Okay.
My name's Billy.
I'll be in.
Okay.
All right.
I'll save you some Babel snatch gum.
No problem.
So a couple of hours later, I call up and I talked to the manager.
Manager's like, yeah, yeah, I ordered some a couple of days ago and it should be in.
If it's not in right now, it's going to be in by the end of the day.
I guarantee you.
So I don't know how the hell they ordered it because there's, there was no such thing
as Babel snatch gum.
I made the shut up and all of a sudden, I mean, everybody wanted this fucking Babel snatch
gum and it never did exist.
Matter of fact, this prank got so good to where I ended up.
This is, you know, in the eighties before digital cameras even, let alone, you know,
there are phone cameras and all the, you know, Photoshop and everything.
No internet.
No, we had to like cut stuff out of wrappers and stuff and make a fake Babel snatch gum.
And take an old fashion, fashion, like a Polaroid type of picture.
I forgot what it was.
It could be one of those little box cameras back then.
Probably the only thing I could afford, you know, we actually took a picture of the Babel
snatch gum and a guy went in there.
He goes, Hey man, I need this.
The guy's like, I know, I know, I know, man, we're working on getting it in.
It's hard to get, man.
Everybody wants this Babel snatch gum.
So anyhow, I guess the whole moral of the story is, is don't be a dick to me because
then I'll do something like that.
And even now to this day, I'll have a couple of people on my friends list every now and
then like send me a little message.
They'll go Babel snatch.
I'm like, ah, what time I was like working up in fucking New York or something.
And all of a sudden I get a ding and like I'm on top of this fucking skyscraper there,
putting in glass and I look down and it says Babel snatch.
I'm like, fuck.
I'm up there dying this glass about ready to fall and kill a hundred people.
They recover your body and they look at your phone and well, the last text you received
said Babel snatch.
We better look into this.
By some guy named dirt bag.
So anyhow, that is my elaborate prank section of this, unless we throw some more in there.
But anyhow, Babel snatch, never forget it.
This name lives on.
Hey, where'd they go?
Where the douchebags.
Oh my God.
Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.