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results. Here we go. If you plan a me day that
includes a pedicure and facial, wear socks with
sandals, use shampoo with tea tree oil and separate
conditioner for highlights, you refuse vegetables
that were not properly crisped, you drink zero
calorie beer, You order a kale salad at a burger
joint. If you do any or all of these, you're
most likely a pussy. Hey, you yankers. We often
think many things are just true because we've
heard it our whole lives. That's why here at
Two Douchebags in Microphone, we developed the
segment, Not True. We investigate and uncover
the real truths of what happened. We've heard
for years that Einstein was so intelligent he
could not figure out how to tie his shoe. The
fact is, he disliked wearing socks. He would
put socks over his shoes to avoid tying them.
He believed tying shoelaces was an incredible
waste of time. So were Crocs when Einstein needed
them. This is Joshua Belmont, your food for thought
man on The Hustle. Today, we need to focus on
the genius Franklin Harris for inventing the
jukebox override. Some dumbass puts down a hundred
on the Melvins to last all night. No worry, thanks
to Mr. Harris. Just put in a buck a song to override
shitty music and you can be the hero. Mr. Harris,
not many stop to admire your fine work, but we
do here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone. Thank
you, Mr. Harris, for being a patriotic, great
human being. When everything is coming your way,
you're in the wrong line. Hey there, you little
snack cakes. This is Norwegian's Best Drinks.
Norwegian Cruise Lime has long been known as
one of the best drink bakers on the high seas,
if not the best. In this drink, it's no different.
It's one of the most popular, and it's really
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ounce of 1800 silver tequila, one half ounce
of mezcal. a quarter ounce of triple sec, half
ounce of organic agave, half ounce of peach puree,
and one half ounces of fresh wine juice. Garnish
with hibiscus salt on the rim and dried blood
orange slices on the rim. Add all ingredients
and shake. And don't be bashful. Shake like nuts.
And then put it in a glass with crushed ice and
enjoy. Two douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark
here in the Kansas City Metroplex at the extreme
southern tip of at the Talk is Tube studio. And
I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri. Home of the
magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track.
And yes, I'm sitting here listening to cars running
around the track. You can't hear them, but I
can. And also home. needs, including sushi and
a selfie with the three -seater dinosaur in the
Doug Blythe studio. How the hell does this happen,
Mark? I've been wanting to cut this back. I don't
know. I don't get it. We had this chick about
the sushi. Yeah, the chick writing in about the
sushi kind of caught me off guard. I'm like,
wow, okay. Here's the thing. Well, let me catch
her up on that, by the way. Okay. Okay, she must
have went through there when they had it. Yeah,
and it is in the grocery area. Oh, okay, okay.
That's what she is talking about then. Yeah,
that's what it is. Shit, I forgot her name. I'm
sorry. She's from Springfield. I do remember
that. I want to say Irene. Yeah, that sounds
about right. I don't know. Irene or something
like that. Something like that. Yeah. Well, thank
you, Irene, if that's your name or what your
name is. I apologize. Thank you for bringing
that up. And so now we can pimp that, too. Sushi,
whenever they have it. So there you go. So if
you don't want a cheeseburger, you don't want
a beautiful burrito with queso, you can get sushi.
There you go. Hickamos for everything. Everything.
And thank you for adding to my introduction.
Yeah, that's just what he needed. No, thank you
for writing in. We appreciate it. Springfield,
Missouri. Yes, I appreciate it. Springfield is
another large market. I mean, I swear, a lot
of people listen there. Yeah, and being in Wheatland,
we're only like an hour away, so there are a
lot of people that know the Wheatland area. I
wonder if she's like going to the lake or something
and goes to Hickamose, or maybe even the track.
She might go to the track. We have family up
there. Yeah, write us back. Write us back if
you're doing something particular or just going
through. If you're doing something like going
to Lucas Oil or, you know, or to the lake or
something or have family, just let us know. That'd
be great. So, all right. But thank you for writing
in. Absolutely. Yes. All right. Well, Rob, good
old Lowe's did it again. You know, the only reason
I do business with them is because they're a
mile away and I have my stuff delivered the next
day. I love that. All right. I'm building a privacy
fence, you know, like I said before. And me,
I don't care, man. I walk around with a candy
stripe fucking thong. I don't care, you know.
But everyone else seems to care in the household.
So I had to build it. When I cut down the evergreens
around half of the pool, they want something.
But they also want sunlight, so I had to go with
a four -foot privacy fence. Well, so... um anyhow
you know i got tired of evergreen needles always
being in the skimmer basket i always got to clean
that up so you know those trees finally came
down this year i took them all down so now i
got to build this fence so i get the message
um okay and it says congratulations your order
has just been delivered so i'm like great so
i get to start on the fence today i was all happy
about it i get home and number one it was in
the driveway even though it was all over my order
not to place the materials in the driveway Number
two, they got the 4x4 pressure treated posts,
the severe weather 2x4s, which is pressure treated
also. But the dog -eared panels were missing.
I'm like, hmm, that's interesting. So it said
your pickup from Lowe's is ready anytime you
want to come get it. And I'm like, what? Wait
a minute. Hang on. So you deliver all of it except
the easiest part of it. The dog -eared panels
are banded. You know how you band stuff, right?
They're banded together. They're not that hard
to handle. And I'm like, what the hell? So I
go up there, and I print out everything, and
I go to the lady, you know? And the person, although
she is nice, she knew nothing, ended up telling
her, I go, here's a solution in case you're wondering.
I said, either refund my delivery fee and I'll
get the dog -eared panels myself or deliver them
tomorrow, right? Doesn't that sound like a logical
solution, Rob? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, not that hard.
Not that hard. Simple. Yep. So after 30 wasted
minutes, maybe a little bit more, probably more
like 40, get a manager that can override the
ticket. I get the panels the next day. And the
panels are for a four -foot fence, right? Well,
they gave me six -foot panels. Dog -eared. So,
I got... You got two extra foot. I know. So,
I was like, you know what's easier? I'm cutting
every fucking one of them down. That's what's
easier than dealing with these morons. I'm just
cutting two foot off of every one of them, and
they're going to be four -foot panels, and, you
know... You gave them six. The other thing is
they lost money. They're two bucks more. I paid
for four -foot panels. I did not pay for six
-foot panels. So I'm just like, all right, dickheads.
I just cut them all down. So I have four -foot
panels. And the main thing is I did not have
to deal with them again. I was like, oh, shh.
Sometimes you got to do what you got to do. Yeah,
and I'm sure you've been like that with companies
like that. Listen, I mean, not... Lowe's, I'm
not saying that Lowe's are always bad or nothing
like that. I've had good experiences with them.
But this one up here seems, listen, I do business
with them, so it can't be that horrible, okay?
And I'm not necessarily dogging them. I'm just
telling you about my experience with them, and
that's all, you know. And, you know, I mean.
Right. Well, that goes all the way back. Okay,
I've been in construction my life, pretty much
my whole life. I used to do a Pay Less Cash Ways.
Oh, yeah. You had your good ones. You had your
bad ones. The one in Grandview was pretty good.
The one in Grandview seemed to be pretty good.
Yeah, the one there off on 40th, it was awesome.
Yeah. Yeah, I actually knew a lot of the employees.
The one in Kansas City North was horrible. But
I'll tell you what's going on is, Lowe's and
all these other places, they just can't get good
help. That's what the problem is. They need retirees
like us. Yes, well, that's what... They know
what we're doing, we just can't do it. That's
what Westlake, Strasser Hardware, Westlake, those
little independent places... Those are the ones
that you go to and you have the retired plumber
that's in the plumbing area. And you go in there
and go, hey, I need a T -trap. And he's going,
oh, okay, what's it for? And then you tell him,
you go, oh, no, you know what? I got something
that'll work better. And then a lot of times
they'll tell you how to do it. They'll be like,
you know, here, you take this trap and you put
it here. You got to cut this off. You got to
cap it off. But if you go Lowe's or... Any of
the other big box stores, Menards is pretty bad,
too. And you go in there, and you got someone
going, I don't know what a T -trap is. Yeah,
well, that's where they would run people like
us. Yes. You and I could go in there and dominate,
but I'll tell you what, I'm not going to go work
for them, because I'll tell you what, there was
one guy in electrical at Lowe's that knew what
he was doing, and everybody went to him for everything,
because... He could figure it out. He wasn't
a dumbass. He could figure it out. You go, hey,
I need some, I don't know, wafer board, and I'm
going to use it for, I don't know, soundproofing
or something, right? And he would know a little
bit about it. He was that kind of guy. He'd be
like, well, you know, wafer board may not be
the best. You might want to use a blueboard insulation
because that takes sound out more, you know.
And anything that you could present to him, he
could at least figure a little bit out. He had
really good problem -solving skills if you went
in there and asked him something. But the problem
is, is everybody went to him, and you'd have
to wait in line to talk to that guy. You'd walk
by 10 dumbasses to get to him. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I would not be one of the dumbasses. No, me neither.
Well, I went to buy Houston hardware on the way
home to get some stuff that I needed for this
fence. And the reason is, is because... The guy
in there, I needed a specific item, and I needed
to know if they had it, and I needed to know
what size it is, and I needed to know what kind
of a bolt to tilt it on, and the guy knew everything
because he used to do that type of work. And
that only happens in the small stores like that.
Those people are smart enough not to go to a
big box store and get to run around all the time
with a bunch of people. And that's another thing,
too. The people that come in there, a lot of
them are assholes anyhow. You know, they go there
and go, yeah, I need to know how to do, you know,
they're just, they're idiots. And it's got, it
can't be easy dealing with that many idiots in
a day. If you go to like Houston or Westlake
or something, there's not that many people in
line. They can take your time, you know, they
can take their time explaining it to you. They'll
get you the right part the first time you have
to, you don't have to go by, you know, go back
10 times or nothing like that, so. Anyhow, but
I've got most of my stuff now. And now I think
I might rent a stump grinder and take out all
the stumps. Or, I don't know, I might just dig
it up and then just cut the stalk off and put
dirt over it. I don't know. We'll figure it out.
But what it is, is I don't want a bunch of things
to trip over just outside the fence. You know
what I mean? Where the evergreens used to be.
So, yeah, we'll see. I'll figure it out. Well,
there were some tense moments after the Artemis
II launched into space on April 1st. The toilet
on board was not accepting urine from the astronauts.
Oh, did you already know that? I heard that.
Okay. I heard that, yeah. Okay, they saw a blinking
fault light and reported the issue to NASA colleagues
who talked them through a plumbing fix that solved
the issue. Apollo space journeys did not provide
the luxury of toilets. Earlier astronauts used
a bag and funnel system and left the bags a waste
on the moon. Okay, but anyhow. So to be an astronaut,
you've got to be a jack of all trades. Yes, you
do, yeah. Oh, remember they were doing repairs?
What was that? I can't. Like, you know, electrician,
engineer. Yeah, you've got to be everything.
And the thing is, it has to be you. Nobody else
can get up there. Nobody else can do it. Ain't
nobody there to help you. Yeah, so you're going
to have to do it yourself. Either that or you're
fucked. That's why I'm not an astronaut. Yeah,
me neither. Me neither. Nope. And I have no plans
on being either. Okay, over 400 ,000 units or
13 tons of Kit Kat bars were stolen in Europe
the week of March 23rd, USA Today reported. The
chocolate -covered wafers were nabbed in transit
on their way from Italy to Poland. The stolen
sweets were not the typical log -shaped wafers,
but special Formula One car -shaped Kit Kat bars.
Isn't that cool? They're Formula One shaped.
Okay, I did not hear that. Yeah, they're Formula
One shape for, you know, for promotion, of course.
No wonder they got stolen. No, I know. That's
what I said, too. When I read it, I'm like, shit,
I wish I was there. I would have grabbed a couple.
I've been pretty cool. So. The chocolate -covered
wafers were nabbed in transit on their way from
Italy to Poland. The stolen sweets were not the
typical log -shaped wafers, the formula and car
-shaped Kit Kat bars. The thieves have yet to
be apprehended, and the candy has not yet been
recovered. In response, Nestle, the Swiss -based
company that distributes Kit Kats, launched a
Kit Kat tracker website on April 1st, and that's
not an April Fool's joke. Help us find them.
Use the stolen KitKat tracker Nestle posted on
X. Consumers can go to the number and they can
confirm it to be from the stolen batch. It doesn't
say what they'll receive, though, if they get
the people caught. So, I don't know. Probably
a lifetime supply of KitKat. That's what I'm
thinking. It's going to be something like that.
Me, I'd be like, you know what? Give me the monetary
equivalent. And I'll be good with that. Oh, plus
four or five of the Formula One shape ones, too.
That way I can have a couple of those. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, I wish I could find those stolen
chocolates. That'd be pretty fucking cool, wouldn't
it? Yeah. You walk into work and go, hey, guys,
guess what I have? And they'll be like, I don't
know, what, herpes? No, dumbass. I have a...
I have Formula One shaped Kit Kat bars. You'd
be the hero, wouldn't you? Yes, but you'd be
the hero for a little bit. Oh, I'm sure. I'm
sure. I mean, this is pretty common knowledge.
I'm pretty sure we're not the only outlet for
this. No, and I'm talking about if you... turned
them in, and they gave you some money because
you requested it, and then I would say, hey,
I would like five or six of these bars. Oh, yeah.
Just throw them in, please. A graffiti tagger
in Bellevue, Washington, was plying their trade
on March 25th when they tumbled off an overpass
onto an I -90 ramp. I always wondered. You know,
you see all these tag artists that go on, I don't
know, water towers, underneath huge bridges and
stuff. And I'm like, I'll bet you some of those
people fall, right? Oh, they got to. Yeah. Well,
this guy did. So, it was on the I -90 ramp. Como
TV reported Washington State Patrol said the
fall happened around 10 .30 p .m. The person
was taken to a hospital with a possible broken
leg and facial injuries. WSP did not provide
details about any pending charges. That's pretty
cool. Sounds like Kelso on that 70s show. Yeah,
it does. That's something he'd do. Hey, check
this out. Boom. You remember that show where
he fell off and broke his arm? Yeah, yeah. They
used to go on the water tower and allegedly smoke
some sort of substance or something like that,
right? And drink beer. And drink beer, yep. Yeah,
I remember that. A repo man took off with more
than what he bargained for on March 27 in Detroit.
WXYZ TV reported, as he prepared a car for towing,
he said he looked inside but the windows were
dark so he didn't see the two -year -old child
who was sitting in the dark. He said the child
was covered with a blanket also. Jenny Ligari,
the owner of the repossessed agency, said the
driver did his due diligence. He followed protocol
to a T. The driver was notified about the child
during the tow and returned the child to their
mother without incident. Ligari said the driver
pulled over four or five different times just
to make sure the kid was okay. That's cool. Well,
I mean, as for that goes, the person probably
should not have left their kid in there alone,
right? Exactly. Yeah, so... That's the mother's
fault. That is the mother... That's the first
thing I thought. Yeah. Yep, me too. It's like...
What's your kid doing in a car? Yeah, that's...
Yeah. No, that's what I'd be saying, too. It'd
be like, you know, you probably should have maybe
not left the kid in there. And you probably should
have paid your bill, too, dickhead. So... There
are zombie fish, according to Lake Superior Commission.
I didn't know they had a commission in Lake Superior,
but I guess they do. They say that they're a
fish that appear emaciated, according to the
Michigan Department of Natural Resources. I don't
know why. Well, I guess, yeah, Lake Superior
probably goes over. I guess it does. Okay, well,
anyhow, they're trying to find out the cause,
looking at food limitations, disease, impacts
of sea lamprey, and contaminants as possibilities.
They're not sure what is causing this zombie
-like effect on only certain fish, not all of
them. So, well. I'm thinking it's drugs getting
flushed out of the drain. Oh, you know what?
Yeah, someone threw some quaaludes in there and
they're just fucking snoring. Seriously, I don't
know how the drug busts were up to that. Well,
I can't remember. Not too long ago, there was
a story about high concentration of cocaine in
some bays. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I bet you
it is. I mean, you know, people throw the stuff.
People would be like taking it on a boat or something
and they see a, I don't know, a highway patrol
coming close or something. They throw all the
shit overboard because they think they're getting
busted. And then that stuff dissolves into the
water. The fish get it. The people swimming it
get it and all that. So, anyhow. Anyhow, that's
me for my portion of the first part of this.
So, Rob, let's turn it over to you. Okay, well,
I'm going to play Terry News right off the bat.
Oh, we love that. It's kind of a short one, but...
That's okay. It's fitting. You're going to love
it. Okay. In a surprising development late Saturday
afternoon, officials confirmed... that a section
of party code has been temporarily classified
as international waters. Huh? According to what
witnesses described as a highly permitted wrapped
up situation, the designation reportedly came
after Multiple votes lost track of which dock
they originally tied to, prompting confusion
over jurisdiction, responsibility, and who exactly
brought the speaker. Okay, for one, back in the
day, there was no docks tied to. Yeah, that's
true. How I do that, I will never tell. Authorities
say the news... new status meets standard lake
rules may apply within the zone. With one patrol
officer noting, at a certain point, we just kind
of let them govern themselves. An officer said
this. And truly, that's the way it is at Party
Cove. Because, you know, you only have like one,
two officers. Yeah. You might go and control
that party. You know what I mean? No, it's true.
No, you're right. Early reports indicate a makeshift
black system has already been established. And
at least one group has begun issuing wristbands
for entry. Officials expect the destination to
remain in effect until Monday. Or until everyone
collectively decides it's time to go home. So
I guess this is from here on out. There's a part
of it that is actually going to be international
waters. Because cops, there's so many people,
so much going on. And they only have like one
or two options they can send out there. You know
what I mean? With everything else going on around
the lake. Yeah, I get it. No, I do too. I actually
think that's a pretty unique idea. Yeah, well,
yeah, I mean, you can't control them. They're
in the national waters. Yeah. In the middle of
the United States. That's crazy. It's interesting.
Well, I can give you a great example. Aruba,
for the most part, has cheaper rentals than Lake
of the Ozarks. Can you believe that? Oh, I believe
it. Aruba. Aruba is considerably cheaper being
on the ocean, the Southern Caribbean, than it
is being on Lake of the Ozarks. Isn't that insane?
Well, they're getting away with it. The thing
is, is, I mean, Aruba, you know, it's not like
a huge party hub. You know, I think the reason
people pay the outrageous inflated prices at
Lake of the Ozarks is because of the party atmosphere.
There's like 200 ,000 people at any given weekend
during the summer down there just partying. And
people want to be a part of that. And they know
this, so they get to inflate the prices. So,
yeah, that's crazy. Wow. Is that it, Rob? Yeah,
like I said, that was a quick one. That was a
good one, though. That's pretty interesting stuff.
Yeah, it was good, it was quick, but it makes
a statement. No, it does. Because that part of,
I mean, part of COVID, like you guys are, it's
changed code to code. Oh, it's so, yeah, so much.
But it just keeps getting stronger and stronger.
You know, when I was like... There's more and
more people. When I was 22 or 23, I would have
loved to went down there and just, you know,
hung out and partied with everybody. Yeah, I
did. Yeah, I did too. Not a whole lot. That was
back when it was at the 14 mile mark. Yeah, now
it's down. The Felicia Carson Bridge. Yes. Officer
Felicia Carson. And it should be her name. She's
a hero. Yes. Wow, okay. I didn't realize it went
that far downstream now. Yeah, no, it's on the...
Yeah, it's a green -glazed bridge. Uh -huh. On
the south side, you turn to the right, and it's
like another mile. Wow. It really went... Yeah,
it's way... Okay. I would have never known that.
It used to be mile marker 14. I started going
to it when it was at the 7. Yes. And then it
moved to the 14. And it's been down here for
quite a while. It really has. Uh -huh. Wow. Yeah,
it's crazy. It's just huge. There is no stopping
it. No, no. Gosh, no. Nope. There is no stopping
it. Nope. All right. You want to take our first
break? And I got a few emails. Hey, my fellow
heavy breathers. This is Dash Riptide. Your music
news. Hey, check it out. Iron Maiden finally
gets nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of
Fame. Like it means anything at this point. Blaze
Bailey has been added to the names to be inducted
with Maiden if they should get in. And they should.
It's just 30 years fucking late. That's all.
Good luck and up the irons, kids. This is Gash
Riptine, and that was your music news. If it's
too loud, you probably have ear damage, just
like me. And now we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy. Oh, my. Would
you look at the rightly scattering? It sure is
brilliant tonight. First off. You're on private
property. Second, you're in my flower garden.
Third, if you're talking about the sunset, yes,
it is stunning. And finally, would you get the
hell off my property, you annoying fucking bastard?
Hey, scrotum sacks. This here is Buford T. Rasputin,
your common sense concierge. Today, we discuss
the logic behind crime predicting and how this
system allegedly works. Predictive policing uses
a combination of advanced statistics, machine
learning, and AI to predict when and where crimes
may occur. These data -driven systems analyze
historical crime reports, social media, and surveillance
footage to guide police efforts before 911 calls
are made. This is also known as hotspot policing.
Now, let's take a look at greater statistics
in highest crime areas. The violent crimes being
committed are roughly 80 % criminals with a violent
crimes record. Instead of attempting to beat
the criminal to the crime, why don't judges hold
people accountable and not set violent criminals
free with a slap on the hand and a sorry won't
do it again? Possibly investing in children and
using a revamped school system that will not
allow troubled youth to disrupt the class. holding
teachers to a higher level and not being afraid
of hurting someone's feelings. The best way to
solve crime is to prevent it from occurring.
This common sense policy should be the standard.
Other countries have accomplished this. So should
we. Two douchebags, a microphone in an effort
to keep everything fresh. We offer you first
world problems. Damn it. I can't decide between
nachos. chili, or wings for the game tonight.
This is bullshit. I should not have to make decisions
like this. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Okay, so I have a shredded chicken soft taco.
Now I'm going to lay it flat, open it up, and
then I'm going to roll it tightly the other way.
Will it then suddenly become a taquito? Hmm.
I may never know. Hey, everybody, this is Uncle
Rob. I'm going to give you some tips for life.
When you want to save a park bench, but you have
to come back to it, just carry one paint side,
and bam, you'll have the bench all year, so when
you get back... Hey there, my little sorghum
chewers. It's time for another edition of Dive
Bar Man Codes. And here we go. Number one, the
stickier the floor, the stronger the drinks.
You do not ask what's in the well liquor. You
accept it. If the bartender calls you hun, you're
safe. Cash is king. Cards are suspicious. The
quiet guy at the end of the bar knows everything.
You're not regulars. You do not ask questions.
If the jukebox is present, you must be used responsibly.
Never play more than two songs in a row. Touching
the jukebox after midnight is a bold move and
should probably not happen. Two douchebags and
microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob
in Wheatland, Missouri, home of the Magnets at
Lucas Oil Speedway and Watertrack. And yes, the
cars are running right now. I can hear them.
You cannot. Because I have my earphones on. Thank
you, Rob. We got some emails. You ready for them?
Yes, I am. All right. Mark, often young people
work two fast food jobs because of limited hours.
I bet that... An employee at the burger place
also works at Burger King and grabbed the crowns
for fun. Tessa and Olathe. That's as good of
an explanation as I can get, too. That sounds
very plausible, I think so. Yeah, I can see that,
because I know. I used to work two jobs when
I was younger, too. You know, you don't start
off making a whole lot of money. That's just
the way it is. You take meaningful jobs and you
try to, you know, try to get ahead until you
can get your niche in life and make more money.
And so, yeah, that could have been it. You know,
someone came in from their first job, Burger
King, and said, hey, look at all these crowns
I took. And then they sat him on there and then
the chick at the front was probably like, oh
shit, I don't want to get anybody in trouble.
So she's like, I can't comment on that. So although
it seemed real nefarious, it could have just
been, I bet you it was something easy like that,
right? Right. So, all right, Tessa, thank you.
Good points. Next one. Buford T. Rasputin is
a great character. Please don't change him. No
one cares if it's close to Smokey and the Bandit.
Yeah, I'm still keeping the name, but instead
of being T, T is going to stand for his middle
name, which I've decided is going to be Tiberius.
Buford Tiberius Rasputin. If you don't know where
that name came from, I suggest you research it.
So, all right. Hey, guys. Mitch is in the hospital,
and he asked me to send you this message. He
is having an operation in the next few days.
I will keep you informed. Tracy in Westline.
I sent her a message back, and she never replied.
I don't know what's wrong with Mitch. I don't
know anything about it. I mean, I just know what
she sent. I know he has not been sending emails
in the last few weeks. Okay. So... Oh, Mitch.
Mitch, our prayers are with you. Yes, of course.
So, Mitch, all kidding aside, whatever's wrong
with you, we want you to get better. You can
still hate me if you want, but I wish you the
best. And he doesn't hate me. I've actually spoke
with him on the phone. It's his gimmick. He's
like, oh, Rob's the best. It works good. Yeah,
it does. He brings us a lot of entertainment,
and we love Mitch. And also, we used to be good
friends with him, too. I mean, I guess we still
are. Yeah, we did. Yeah. Yep. Even though I ain't
seen him in over 40 years, you know. No, I told
him to send me a picture, but he never did. So,
anyhow. So, Tracy. In Westline, thank you very
much for letting us know. Yes, thank you, Tracy.
I would suppose that Mitch has a Bluetooth in
the hospital and can listen to us. So, Mitch,
we love you. We want you to get better soon.
We hope everything's good. And I pray to God
you're not in Harrisonville Hospital. Oh, gosh.
The Harrisonville death camp? Oh, no. I hope
not. I hope not. as a listener. Yes. It didn't
say what hospital, so Mitch, we hope you bothered
to go to a real hospital. Yes. Harrisonville
Hospital Medical Center is actually just one
notch above the Golden Valley Death Camp in Clinton,
Missouri. Just one notch above, not much more.
If you're wondering, do your research. Yes, yeah.
All this is allegedly and all that good shit.
Allegedly, yeah. All right, next one. What happened
to ass paddlings? You guys used to do them all
the time, Terry in Pennsylvania. Well, we have
so many different ideas, and we only have so
much time. To me, it's good to leave that alone
for a little bit and then come back to it in
a little while. We're doing other stuff like
Buford, Tiberius, Rasputin. the common sense
concierge, the new guy who I got to reintroduce
again. I mean, we only have a certain amount
of time, and I only have a certain amount of
time to produce this stuff. So sometimes stuff
gets put on the back burner, but we have not
forgotten about ass paddling. It is definitely
coming back. And everything else, like the new
guy. Let's see, what haven't I done in a while?
Oh, strange insults from an alien. I have a hundred
of them. I just haven't got to them yet. You
know, deep thoughts with Mark. I have a hundred
of them just sitting right here. I got them printed
out, but I just have not had time to get it.
And then a lot of times new ideas take precedent
over old ideas because you want to keep the show
going. You want to keep new stuff infused in
it, and it just makes the show better. The more
newer things that you introduce, you can always
bring back the old stuff, either new or rerun
them. It's a perfect formula. Terry in Pennsylvania,
thank you very much. Appreciate it. And then
finally, Rob, will you be willing to help me
remove a pissed off skunk from my cellar? John
in Joplin. I think where my trap's at. There
you go, John. If I can find my trap, well, see,
I just got married, just moved. Yeah, I got three
sheds, well, three farms I got stuck in. So,
yeah, let me find my trap. I'll be right there.
There you go, John. How far is Joplin from you?
Three hours? Two hours? Two hours? Two and a
half, okay. There you go. We can be there in
two and a half hours. Get rid of that skunk for
you. All right, that's all. So, Rob, you got
something for us? Yeah, dude, just give me a
sec. Okay, no, that's cool. That's the thing
about having our new show, The Gang Bang. A majority
of the emails are going to that. I mean... And
so, I mean, we get a few here, but I mean, that
show's like just, it took off. Everyone still
likes this show, but not like they like the gangbang.
Right, right, right. So we're kind of getting
like... Well, it's all three of us, you know?
Yeah. Honestly, I think it adds a little more
flavor on myself. I know, I do too. That's by
far and large my favorite show that we do. So...
Yeah, and the thing is, like I told, I think
I told you too, but I told Topher, I said, you
know, because he sent me a message going, dude,
man, I can't explain how cool this has become.
And thank you for, you know, kind of being the
catalyst for all this. And a really nice message.
I was like, thanks. And I sent back a message.
I go, this is exactly what I envisioned from
day one of what we do. This is what I thought
we should do, and it's been proven right. This
is the right path that we're taking. The three
of us getting together and doing our own ideas
and all that is the perfect mix. I think it is.
Yeah, it's the secret sauce, and we're all happy
about it, and we're all on board with it. So
thank you, everybody. So, all right, Rob, do
you have your story? Yes, I do. Actually, I got
more than just a story. Oh, good. Oh, the bag
of garbage. Yep. Actually, I got two of them
tonight. Well, I got one for Matt Diaz, a short
one, a real short one. Cool. But it's a kind
of cool story. Very cool. Trigulet, Jester Francis
I, of France, saved his life with his wit. After
mocking the king's mistress, he was sentenced
to die and allowed to choose how. He asked to
die of old age. The king had no answer. The king
gave him his choice, and he chose old age, so
guess what? He's got old age. Yeah. That was
smart taking it, it really was. That's called
outwitting your opponent. Yeah. Very fucking
cool. Okay, let's go in for the second grab.
Uh -oh, it's a bigger piece of paper. Uh -oh.
Okay. On October 29th, 1963, First Lieutenant
James Nick Rowe, a 25 -year -old Green Beret
from Texas, was captured by Viet Cong forces
during a combat patrol in the Jettles in South
Vietnam. What followed was 1 ,903 days of hell.
Okay. Oh. Oh. scribbling poetry, engineering
calculations, and song lyrics on scraps of paper
meant for written confessions. He built an imaginary
resort in his head called the Hacienda del Sol
just to keep Hulk alive. He outwitted his interrogators
for years by convincing them that he was a simple
draftee engineer, not a trained intelligence
officer. When they finally discovered the truth,
the Viet Cong sentenced him to death. On New
Year's Eve 1968, the guards marched him into
the jungle for execution. American helicopters
thundered overhead. In that split -second window,
Rowe shoved a guard to the ground, spread to
a clearing, and waved his white mosquito netting
desperately at the sky. Oh, wow. The pilot, Major
David Thompson, nearly opened fire until he noticed
something impossible on a Vietnamese man. They
take full gear. Dude, that would do it. Yeah,
it would. Especially if you're Well, he landed.
He pulled Roe aboard. After 62 months, Nick Roe
was free. But his greatest mission had just begun.
Roe took everything he had broken other men and
turned into a shield for future warriors. In
1981, he was recalled to duty to Designed the
U .S. Army Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and
Escape Program. Wow. What a story. One second.
No, I know you got more going. I'm just commenting.
Yeah, I have to call. Okay. No, that's fine.
The training compound. old North Carolina still
bears his name. He served until the very end.
On April 21st, 1989, while serving as a military
advisor for NOAA to the Philippines, he was assassinated
by communist guerrillas from the New People's
Army. He was 51 years old. In his memoir, Five
Years of Freedom, remember that? He wrote what
captivity had taught him. Survival is a state
of mind. He didn't just survive. He made sure
no American warrior would ever face darkness
unprepared again. Dude, that is awesome. It is.
And it sucks that he was assassinated. A cheap
fucking shot. The dude survives all night. two
months. Fuck. Yeah. That sucks. Alright, you
want to take our second break and I got a story
when we come back? Sounds good. Alright, we'll
be right back. Hey, good kid. No one gives an
ounce of shit what you had for breakfast. Not
even the person on the other end. You look like
a mentally slow driv yelling into thin air all
through the store. I pray that Bluetooth shorts
out and blows up your eardrums. What men consider
self -centered dunce. Monty constantly coddled
this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look back
home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably forgot
the theming because you're too busy looking in
the mirror all day. Fuck off. Our constant pursuit
for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults
from an alien. Real hilarity. You are dressed
like an assistant debate coach at an Ohio State
middle school. Hey, peeps, it's time for the
police blotter. That's right. Stories about stupid
criminals and the dumb assness that ensued. Let
us begin now. In September 2025, a Canadian man
was arrested for DUI while attempting to drive
a Barbie Jeep. Not only did the scaled -down
Jeep stand out, not it would only go five miles
an hour. The police chase ended quickly. The
subject, George Fizzulli, did not get his six
-pack. Bit did get a free Uber ride with lights
a -flashing straight to jail. Since the dawn
of time, weird shit has happened. Strange occurrences,
unexplained phobias, and other odd happenings.
Over the next minute, we would like to bring
you odd, rare phobias and conditions. Kepras
syndrome, or the delusion of doubles, is a rare
condition where a person falsely believes a familiar
individual, like a spouse or family member, has
been replaced by an identical -looking imposter
or duplicate. It's a type of delusional misidentification
syndrome often linked to underlying brain issues
or psychiatric conditions, including schizophrenia,
dementia, with Lewy body, brain injury, or bipolar
disorder, resulting from a disconnect between
face recognition and emotional processing. Treatment
focuses on managing the underlying disorder with
different forms of therapy and address an associated
symptoms like anxiety. People often ask, how
do we cram so much funny into one little show?
Well, it's simple. We buy funny in bulk on the
Internet. Hey, Mark, you're wanted at the front
door. There's a big bag of funny they need you
to sign for. Okay, thanks a lot. I'll be right
there. I'm still sorting out the funny we got
from yesterday. There's your answer. We buy funny
in bulk on the Internet. Hey, my fellow heavy
breeders, this is Dash Riptide, your music news.
Metal band Slayer fans unite. Your boys and Slayer
have a new hot sauce named Rain and Blood. This
sauce's heat meter is off the hook. So use with
caution or be a dick and put it on your buddy's
sandwich. Maybe not. This is Gash Rooktine and
that was your music news. If it's too loud, you
probably have ear damage just like me. Two deuce
bags, a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas
City vicinity at the Talkies Cheap Studio. And
I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of the
Pack Nips at Lucas Hall Speedway and Mark Track,
and also home of the Wicca Mocha store, where
you can find all your needs, including a selfie
with a green Sinclair dinosaur in their duck
boy in the studio. Thank you, Rob. To anybody
that is planning to fly through Tampa International
Airport anytime soon, better put on your best...
Oh, is that what the story you're talking about
is coming from? Okay. So you better put on your
best studs if you go through there. The airport
announced on X on February 26 that pajamas would
no longer be tolerated at the facility, Fox News
reported. We've seen enough. We've had enough.
It's time to ban pajamas at Tampa International
Airport, the Post read. As it turned out, however,
Tampa was just kidding or maybe testing the water.
An airport statement said they regularly share
lighthearted, satirical social media content
day of travel fashion debates. I'm kind of with
this article. I think they threw that out there
to see if people would be outraged or not, right?
Because a lot of people do wear pajamas. And
I think the reason is because they don't want
to take off a bunch of stuff to get through security.
And, I mean, I don't care. I mean, I think it
looks slobbish, and it looks like you don't care
about yourself. But if people want to wear them,
I don't think you can necessarily really want
to ban them, but we'll see. So, anyhow, that
was the end of that story. That was just like
a little blip or whatever. Blip. So, all right,
Rob, let's turn it over to you. Okay. That's
why I started laughing. This story comes out
of Tampa, Florida also. All right. That's one
of these stupid criminals. Yep. A 44 -year -old
Hillsborough County man is facing DUI charges
after presenting spying officers with legal defense
built entirely around the autopilot capabilities.
Okay. Yeah, 2019. 2019, okay. Yeah. Well, this
guy thought it did. Randy Kalczyk, 44, was pulled
over on Dale... Marbury. Del Mabry. Highway.
Yeah, highway. Uh -huh. A train deputy observed
this truck drifting across two lanes at a speed
described in the report as unhurried. Upon approach,
the deputy noted that an open container, a smell
consistent with the open container, and a driver
who appeared generally tall, that he had done
nothing wrong. Randy told Debbie he had done
nothing wrong. According to the arrest report,
Randy's defense included, they claimed that the
vehicle had been operating in self -drive mode
for the majority of the trip. On a 92? Okay.
It was a 2019. 2019. What am I saying, 92? I'm
sorry, I knew you said 2019. Yeah, might as well
be. Yeah, yep. Request that the deputy look up
the truck's features before making any decisions.
Yeah, like we were saying. He wants the cop to
look up that it has autopilot capability. A verbal
disclaimer that he had his hands near the wheel
the entire time in a supervisory capacity. Okay.
Okay. Even if it did have autopilot, which I'm
certain it did not in a 2019 Ford. Okay. The
law states this. Being behind the wheel, it doesn't
even have to be started. If you're behind the
wheel and the keys are in your pocket or somewhere
in the vehicle and you're behind the wheel, stopped
or in motion, that is a DUI. Okay? So, it may
be on autopilot, but he's still behind the wheel
in a moving vehicle. Therefore, he should get
a DUI like they said. What do you think, Rob?
Oh, I totally agree. Yeah. The guy's reaching.
Well, there was also a request to speak with
someone familiar with emerging automotive technology.
He went that far. Wow. The deputy was familiar
with the truck model. He did not have autopilot.
Randy said that that was the manufacturer's fault
and should be taken up separately. Okay. He was
charged with DUI, open container, and failure
to maintain the lane. The truck was impounded.
Ford Motor Company declined to comment. The truck
does not support Randy's account. Yeah. Yeah.
I think that's a pretty open and shut case right
there myself. Yeah. I'm like you. I agree. Yeah.
If you have autopilot and you're using it, you
should still not be drinking. Yeah. Because there's
times you're going to have to take over that
autopilot. Yep. Yeah. Well, that's the whole
idea. And also, the law does state, like I said,
If you're behind the wheel and you're intoxicated,
it doesn't matter whether you're in motion or
not. He happened to be in motion because the
truck was going. You're getting a DUI. And ignorance
is no excuse for the law. That's one of the first
things they always tell you. It doesn't matter
if you didn't know. It's your job to know. So,
okay. Yeah. Yep. Oh, I need to address something
real quick. I had a couple. Now, I didn't print
those emails out because those are ones that
can be easily handled right here in -house. Just,
you know, really quick telling you. And, you
know, I may send them a quick message, too. The
same thing I'm going to say here. We are not
quitting the city market. We are just simply
going to a different place for a little while
because we want to move around. So yeah, so the
people that want us at the city market or like
us being there, we'll be back. We still love
that place. Everybody over there is still magnificent,
just perfect with us. And we love the area. We
love the people walking through and all that.
So Topher and I have not quit going to the city
market. We're just simply just, you know, spicing
it up a little bit. Rock Island Bridge is like,
it's the first of a kind entertainment bridge
in the world. And it just opened up, and it's
a cool place. And we're going to do that for
a little while, but we'll go back to the city
market. We'll probably do about half and half
when it's all said and done. So, no, we're not
ditching the city market. So, you know, guys,
you know... If you want to come by and see us,
go by the bridge. It's only two miles from the
city market. So you're not having to travel a
long ways. So if you're going to go down to the
city market to see us, then go down to the Rock
Island Bridge and see us. And you can ask anybody
there. They all know us now. They go, hey, where's
that podcast at? Where's that douchebag podcast?
And they'll tell you right where we're at that
day. River House is a really good bar restaurant
that they have there. There's more coming. There's
going to be a lot more businesses there. They
have the American Royal Hall on top. And, of
course, everybody at the City Market from City
Market Coffee, Carollo's, Hibachi House, all
of the places over there. You have Enzo down
the street, Brown and Lowe. There are so many.
The Opry House. All of those places are fantastic
places to eat. And that's just not mentioning
all the ones up on Delaware, up on Delaware on
the hill. There's El Mazuron Pizza. the farmhouse,
all those places are great places. So we're not
giving up on one and hopping to another. We simply,
we are trying to serve both areas because they're
both great places in Kansas City. So anyhow,
Rob, you got something? Or it's almost nine o
'clock and I have stuff I have to do and you
do too. So do you want to? Okay. All right. Well,
we're going to go ahead and cut this. By the
time I get it done, it'll be well over an hour,
because I'm going to throw in an old segment.
I'm kind of going through them, and I'm going
to find something unique to throw in here. And
we promise we will be back Sunday night with
Toad. Yes, we will, for the gangbang. And also,
what I just said, everybody that's writing in
and concerned about whether we're going to the
city of America, we appreciate it. I'm not bitching
at you guys. I'm just letting you know what's
going on. That's all. So we will be back there.
And we still love the place. And all the businesses
that have supported us from day one welcomed
us. So anyhow, everybody, thank you for listening.
Have a great night. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I want to
thank everybody for viewing our Facebook and
showing Mark the numbers. We're getting 30, 50
-some a day. Yeah. viewership. 22 % were friends
on my friends list. 78 % were not. Thank you,
everybody. Seriously, thank you. We're going
to start adding more and more to Facebook. I
have a picture of my new chainsaw called And
you know what? While we're talking about stuff
coming up, I'm also going to tell people this.
I have a good friend that is a web designer,
and this particular person can help me or do
it themselves. They love the show, and they'll
do it for a discount rate. He's trying to do
it for free, and I said, no, I'm going to pay
you. But we are going to come up with a website,
an actual website, and we're going to have all
our episodes there because people are not happy
because a lot of... Amazon, I think, is what
that one person said, has them all. But not all
of the services carry all of our seasons. So
you can't go all the way back to number one,
season one. Yes. They just don't have the space,
and I know they have millions of other podcasters,
so that's understood, and it's not a gripe. So
simply what I'm saying is we're going to have
a website, and we're going to start cross -promoting
them to other things because there's some really
unique features that I can take advantage of
now, not only on rss .com, but a couple of other
entities that we use too, and it's kind of like
networking. One podcast looks over and goes,
hey, what are you guys' name? Two douchebags.
Okay, well, we're this, you know, we're two dumb
shits in the woods or something, right? And the
thing is, you can cross -promote them on your
websites. You can cross -promote them on the
actual show. I mean, it's a really good deal.
And so, anyhow, thank you, everybody. We appreciate
your listenership, and it is booming, just like
the numbers on Facebook. It's booming, and we
really appreciate it, and we feel that it's deservingly
so. Before, we didn't want to get too big too
soon because we didn't feel we were ready. Agreed,
Rob? We were getting closer, but now with this
new show and the show that happens at the Rock
Island Bridge or City Market and then this show.
We are putting things together. Yes. I've got
some new tools. So now we have parody songs.
Did you hear the new one about me pissing to
the right at night? No, I have not heard that
yet. Okay. It's good. It's really good. It's
based on a true story. I like to leave the light
off when I go to the bathroom at night so I don't
wake anybody up, right? I was saying, oh, people,
okay. Oh, no, no, no. Or the morning, the morning.
Yeah. And the morning would that, you know, that,
that'll make you go crazy too. You know, it's
like, damn it. Where am I? I'm aimed this way.
How come it's going up on the ceiling? This is
bullshit. Oh, yeah. It's all kinds of crazy.
So it's like, I don't understand it, you know?
My boner's aimed right at the damn stool. How
come piss is going everywhere else? I don't know.
It's one of the great wonders of life. So, anyhow,
thank you, everybody, for listening. Good night,
assholes. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks
like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.