The following program is brought to you by All
Star Pest Solutions. Call 913 -738 -7827. Ask
for Joe, the bug guy. Oh my! What am I going
to do? The cockroach just ran off with my peanut
butter and jelly sandwich. An army of sugar ants
pulled a switchblade on me and took my Nikes
and my wallet. You better call Joe. Who the hell
is Joe? It's Joe from All Star Pest Solutions.
Dumbass. Are bugs taking over your house? Ants
in the kitchen? Spiders in the corners? Something
crawling around where it shouldn't be? Here's
the truth. Most companies send out technicians
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Tough on pests. No contracts. Call or text 913
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results. Good evening. All the obtuse, incognizant,
unsagacious, ill -informed, dull -witted, adulpated,
dunder -headed, feather -brained, muddle -headed,
but lovable listeners. This is your warning.
You're headed straight for the douchebag gangbang.
That's right. Run while you are able. Don't look
back. Topa, Mark, and Rob... are headed for your
ear holes in three, two, one. Here at Two Douchebags
and a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic
integrity. Go ahead and assume we got the story
wrong. At least we admit it. Not like all those
other guys. We can and will lie if it makes the
story better. Two douchebags and a microphone.
Here at the gangbang, we realize no one wants
to do a douchebag pledge. We simply will not
waste your time with bullshit. By the way. Remember
to enter dinner with the douchebags contest.
Good luck. Win dinner with the douchebags. That's
right. You can sit down and eat with the douches.
Our contest is simple. Just grab a TV dinner.
Your choice. Banquet, Stouffer's or whatever.
Heat up your dinner. Turn on your Bluetooth and
crank up two douchebags and microphone and bam!
You're a winner. See the webpage for official
contest rules. Only one entry per day per person.
No cheating. Our constant pursuit for a real
knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity. You are the human equivalent to
a participation trophy. Hey peeps, it's time
for the police blotter. That's right, stories
about stupid criminals and the dumbassness that
ensued. Let us begin now. An Ohio man was arrested
after authorities said he mistakenly sent a baggie
of crystal meth through a tube at a bank drive
-thru last week. Jason G. Smith, 46, was cuffed
on December the 3rd. After a swift investigation
in to an unexpected deposit, he made at the bank
in Woodsfield, Ohio, according to a press release
from Monroe County Sheriff's Office. Smith drove
away from the bank without realizing his mistake.
An employee reported the baggie he left. He was
picked up on a drug charge soon after. Have you
ever wondered what something came about? Have
you ever looked at something and said, hey, I
wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so have
we. That's why we give you the origin of... This
is the origin of Rob Rad's loincloth. Rob used
to strip in a nightclub called McCock's on the
city's east side. Rob was the only completely
new dancer at the club. The other dancers were
jealous of Rob making all the cash and made him
use a loincloth to dance with. Rob soon had to
wear his loincloth daily. He found out that he
could get out of traffic tickets, sell vinyl
siding, and pick up hotties at the come and go.
Rob now wears his loincloth everywhere except
work. Sparks plus pubic hair equals to bad things.
Hey, scrotum sacks. This here is Buford T. Rasputin,
your common sense concierge. Today we discuss
the logic behind crime predicting and how this
system allegedly works. Predictive policing uses
a combination of advanced statistics, machine
learning, and AI to predict when and where crimes
may occur. These data -driven systems analyze
historical crime reports, social media, and surveillance
footage to guide police efforts before 911 calls
are made. This is also known as hotspot policing.
Now, let's take a look at greater statistics
in highest crime areas. The violent crimes being
committed are roughly 80 % criminals with a violent
crimes record. Instead of attempting to beat
the criminal to the crime, Why don't judges hold
people accountable and not set violent criminals
free with a slap on the hand and a sorry won't
do it again? Possibly investing in children and
using a revamped school system that will not
allow troubled youth to disrupt the class. Holding
teachers to a higher level and not being afraid
of hurting someone's feelings. The best way to
solve crime is to prevent it from occurring.
This common sense policy should be the standard.
Other countries have accomplished this. So should
we. If you plan a me day that includes a pedicure
and facial, wear socks with sandals, use shampoo
with tea tree oil, and separate conditioner for
highlights. You refuse vegetables that were not
properly crisped. You drink zero calorie beer.
You order a kale salad at a burger joint. If
you do any or all of these you're most likely
a pussy. Welcome, everybody. This is the Douchebag
Gangbang. I am Mark. I am the, I guess, alleged
ringleader of this whole operation. Yes, it's
me. It's my fault. I'm sorry. Anyhow, I am at
the Talk is Cheap studio at the extreme southern
tip of the Kansas City Metroplex and surrounding
areas at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I'm not
sure if I said that or not, and I don't give
a shit. So, anyhow. The coffee is hot and available
24 hours a day. The space heater is on. And the
song I'm currently learning on guitar is Come
As You Are by Nirvana. Life is good in Kansas
City. Oh, nice, nice. What do you do about the
bass line? The bass line is so prolific in that.
I don't know. I'm just concentrating on the rhythm
guitar part. It gives me a good excuse to use
my chorus pedal. Okay. No, I didn't know if you
just played the top strings. And came up with
something like that or not? Because I've seen
people do that before with the bass lines. Okay,
that's cool. All right, well, I have quite a
few surprises. Number one, I've got the brand
new... We are sponsored by All Star Pet Solutions.
Joe Cusick, many, many years in the pest trade.
So we have a new commercial and a new kickoff
to the show that I want you guys to hear if you
haven't heard it yet, because I did put it on
the last show, but here it is right here. And
this is the commercial. Oh, my. What am I going
to do? The cockroaches just ran over my hamburger
and jelly sandwich. An army of sugar ants pulled
a switchblade on me and took my Nikes and my
wine. You better call Joe. Who the hell is Joe?
It's Joe from All Star Pest Solutions. I don't
know about you guys, but Joe's hired. He sounded
pretty damn good, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, he did.
Yeah, he blew right through him. Yeah, I know.
I was kind of like, man, should I even put that
up there? I'm like, ah, okay, whatever. We'll
probably have him on the show sooner or later.
He expressed a little bit of interest in doing
a show or so, so we'll see. So I've been having
fun with AI. I had them look at our podcast.
So the first thing that I had them do was come
up with an ass -paddling song. And this is them
analyzing our show, okay? I didn't say anything
about us, but they just analyzed the show. I
told them what to look for, what show to look
for, and they did. So listen to this. This is
what they think of our Ask Paddling segment.
I love the way it goes smack. I honestly could
not hear that more on the TV. Yeah, it was cutting
out quite a bit. I couldn't hear it. Damn it.
Okay. There's a proximity effect, I think, on
the microphone. Unless it's like right up on
it, it needs to be pretty damn loud before it'll
pick it up. Okay. Did you guys hear the Joe commercial
fine? Okay, all right. I'm going to go ahead
and move the mic then and see if this helps.
Can you guys hear that okay? Yeah. Welcome to
the pain in the butt portion. You guys got the
gist of that one? Yeah. Did you like it? I'm
sitting here wondering how it came up with that
melody. I was trying to think, what does it sound
like? It really didn't sound like any other song
I could name, but it just comes up with this
melody somehow. Yeah, it's weird, because I told
it to come up with a Rock Me Amadeus type of
song, right? Oh, okay. Still don't get the correlation,
but... It probably went and watched a video,
too. Oh, I bet you it did, yeah. Well, anyhow,
I was really amazed by how well it knows the
show. That's kind of scary in a way, isn't it?
It is scary. All I had to do was give it very
limited information, and it figured everything
out very well. So this is... It gave me like
three ass -paddling songs, and I'll just play
part of this one. This is the best one, I thought.
And then I got a Topher -themed song, but it
wouldn't say Topher because that... Did you know
that that name is copyrighted somewhere? Weird.
Yes. It would not do it. I kept trying to get
it. No, I don't want Christopher. I want Topher.
And finally it popped up and said the name is
copyright protected. We cannot, you know, we
cannot do it. So I went in there and put in Christopher
and it did it fine. So anyhow, so this is the
ass paddling. I have no idea who the hell has
that name copyrighted or trademarked or whatever.
So, all right, this is ass paddling, the best
one, I think. That one was a little bit better.
The lyrics were slightly revamped, and I think
it's a little bit funnier, but the song itself
is pretty much the same. I love the backing vocals.
Those are so fun. I know. And I love the way
they go smack, smack. And how did it know to
say the segment that no one asked for? I know.
Yeah. And then on our theme song, the Douchebag
Gangbang theme song, it says they start at 8.
How the hell did it know that? Do we ever say
we start at 8 o 'clock? I'm sitting here scratching
my head going, how the hell did it know it? Wow.
Yeah. I don't know. play the theme song here
real quick and give you a little idea of how
well this AI knows us, which is scary. So, with
limited information. They got a ring light. They
got a cheap desk. They got a neon sign that says
we're the best. They got a big cloud floating
in the sky. They got a fridge full of beer that
they bought. They got a fridge full of beer.
When they're being pests Yeah. Can you believe
it? It said neon signs, which I have all kinds
of in the Talk is Cheap studio. It said a fridge
full of beer, which I do have a fridge full of
beer. Wow. Yeah. I mean, it's like it, I don't
know, like it came in here and looked. It's crazy.
It probably looked at all your picture files.
It had to have. I know. Isn't that scary? Yep.
Yeah. Yeah. So I got Rob Rad's one here. Everybody
ready for that? Yeah. Here we go, Rob. You're
going to love it. Maybe. I request a funky version.
in a loincloth. How did it know it had to listen
to every show you crochet with your toes in a
loincloth? several times I don't know it says
a bunch of shit about you and I'm still picking
stuff out that I didn't catch the first time
all right let's see what it thinks about Topher
now even though it says Christopher so all right
for seven points straight. Obviously. Did you
catch all the little innuendos and iggies that
it put out? I got to say, it must be the sensitivity
level on my headphones is poor, but I could not
really hear anything. Okay, well, you know what?
You'll have to. Okay, this didn't go over as
well as I thought. Okay. All right. I don't know
where it left off, but anyhow, we were talking
and we're still talking. Okay. That's what we
get paid for. Yeah, yep. All right, so let's
see what I got here. Oh, shoot. Okay, I get this
text telling me I can bring my Nissan in at this
particular local car dealer and receive $35 ,000
in down payment on my next Nissan. Well, I don't
own a Nissan, right? I haven't owned one in a
long, long time. So I sent a reply back, and
I was saying, I'm bringing my 92 Ford Ranger
in, and then they reply back with a number to
call for the Nissan trade -in, right? So I'm
like, wait a minute. I just told them I'm bringing
in my 92 Ford Ranger. So obviously they didn't
look at it. It was automated. So I called the
number, and I tell the guy, okay, I got your
text, and yes, I do have an older Ford pickup
to trade in for $3 ,500. He was really confused,
right? And I then say, Hang on a second. And
he goes, no, we're looking for Nissan cars. And
I go, okay. I go, there must be some miscommunication
here. I go, wait one more second. Okay, so I
make him wait about three minutes. I come back
on the phone. I go, oh, yeah, I read it wrong.
And then I go, bye. And he's sitting there trying
to give me a sales pitch, trying to get me to
come in. He was the middle boy. That's okay.
We'll take any trade in. We may not give you
$3 ,500. I go, all right, hey, thanks, man. I
appreciate the thought. Bye. And, you know, I'm
expecting some instant karma, like, you know,
putting that little card on that guy's car, right?
So, like, I mean, I don't know what's going to
happen. Am I going to get a zit on my ball sack
or something? I don't know. Something's going
to happen that's going to get me back. But it
was funny because I know how bad the car industry
is right now. And, you know, he was just desperate.
He was desperate trying to get me to just stay
on the line. He thought he might have a sale
or something. And I almost felt bad for him.
And I thought, no, he's a salesman. Fuck him.
You know, he's ripped off a lot of people. Yes.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too. I'm like,
you know what? It's not like he's a human. So
I just kept going. I don't like fucking. So anyhow,
since we are so far into this program, I'm going
to go ahead and go with my quote of the week.
All right. This one is, in the end, we will remember
not the words of our enemies, but the silence
of our friends. Isn't that great? I love it.
That is good. Can you guys guess who said that?
You know what? Another guy up there on a plane
like that, but one of my personal heroes, Martin
Luther King Jr. said that. Oh, okay. It makes
a lot of sense. It makes a lot of sense. Yes,
it does. Yeah. Yeah. That gives it a whole lot
of good context. Yeah. Yes, it does. The more
I read about the guy, the more I love him. He
had the message a long time ago. He had the correct
message a long time ago. Anyhow, I just thought
that was cool, and I'm glad that I got to pass
that on. So now that we're passing stuff, let's
pass this whole shit show to Rob. All right.
I have some Lake of the Ozarks. Yay! Mother Major's
Riverfront Retreat, 878. Cool. And body odor.
And body odor. And tooth decay. Are you going
to go by and burn some juggalos up? I'm going
to throw a couple of matas in there. Watch them
singe. I want to throw some live chickens in
there and see if they go chicken hunting. Oh.
Yeah, yeah. They're juggalos, right? That might
be an idea. That might be an idea. Coincidentally,
the insane clown posse is playing Rock, Oklahoma
Labor Day weekend. Oh, I see it. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Well, they are going to be in Rock, Oklahoma,
so who knows? I bet you they end up, they've
been known to do this, just go play a club somewhere.
Yeah. That would be great. If they go all over
you. Oh, no, no, that's what I'm saying, too.
Yep. Oh, I think they would, too. Yeah, pretty
fucking cool. It wouldn't even have to be them,
actually. Who would know? This is true. We ought
to go there dressed like them. I'll be shaggy,
too, though. And then the real ones show up.
It's just like Sharon Osbourne telling the Slipknot
story about how, you know, they had their accountant
in there with the Slipknot makeup on and the
girls were in there giving him head, thinking
it was one of Slipknot. You know, there's some
chicks that were listening to that podcast going,
Oh, I think that's funny. Nope. Nope. So, all
right. Alright, thank you, Rob. Alright, Topher,
what do you have? Ah, big news from Target. Target
is officially warning everybody that if its AI
shopping agent makes a mistake, even an expensive
mistake, you'll have to pay for it. while distancing
themselves from its failures. While that attitude
certainly isn't unique to big box stores, it's
increasingly becoming their default setting,
revealing the ridiculous double standard baked
into the AI boom. Target is the latest to jump
on the bandwagon. According to Business Insider,
the Minnesota -based retail corporation recently
updated its terms and conditions. See, that's
where they hide it in all the small print that
you have to say okay to. It's very clear that
customers, not the company, would be responsible
for the failures and hallucinations of its upcoming
AI shopping assistant. That virtual buddy which
runs on Google's Gemini is supposed to help online
shoppers finish target runs on their users' behalf.
But under the new terms, if a customer uses the
Gemini agent to do their shopping for them, any
transaction performed by the AI would be considered
a transaction authorized by you. Translation,
any mistake by the AI, whether it's the right
or the wrong item or a super expensive version
of the right one without your consent, still
coming out of your pocket. And you have no recourse.
Wow. Well, this reminds me of what I just had
to do to Amazon. I had to get a chainsaw chain,
right? And this was just a couple of days ago.
And I just ordered it. And then I found out they
had one down at Lowe's. And I was like, well,
I need this today. I went down there and got
it, and I came back home, and I canceled the
order, and they said, we can't cancel it. I know
they didn't even pull it yet. So I sent a message
back going, that's all right. I'll return it
as soon as it's sent here. Yep. Yeah, that's
what people are going to do. It's like, all right,
okay. Well, hang on. Let me knock a little hole
in this. Oh, look at that. It's defective. Yeah,
that's going to backfire on them because that's
what I do. I ding it and go, hey, look, man,
it was sold to me like that. I want my money
back. Yeah, they're idiots. Is that it? Is that
it, Topher? Well, Target further says that you,
the customer, are responsible for reviewing activity
performed by your commerce agent and for promptly
notifying the commerce agent and Target of any
activity you believe is unauthorized. So you
have to supervise it. So why use it at all if
you have to stand there and watch everything
that takes place? That takes what it's supposed
to do out of it, doesn't it? Yeah. Wow. Here's
the kicker. Target says, Target does not purport
to guarantee that an agent, a commerce agent,
will exactly act as you intend in all circumstances.
You should review orders, account activity, and
settings regularly. So it's telling you the AI
will go in and change your settings. Oh. No.
Oh, my God. Walmart is also rolling out their
big AI shopping agent, and Walmart doesn't trust
theirs either. Walmart was recently outraging
their consumers with AI -powered price gouging.
It also updated its terms of use to cover for
mistakes made by its AI shopping assistant, which
is nicknamed Sparky. I don't trust anything named
Sparky. Walmart says, due to the nature of generative
AI, the information responses and recommendations
generated for you and other uses may not be accurate,
complete, or up -to -date, and may be misleading
or contain errors and omissions. Or AI may misunderstand
the content that you input and may be responding
to a different question than what you asked.
None of these sources have been verified by Walmart.
They're basically saying, whatever the AI tells
you, we're not legally responsible. It's all
on you. That's a solid no for me. Yep. See, AI
was never meant to help us. It was never, ever
meant to help us. I agree. It was always meant
to exploit us. Well, look at all the stuff that
AI got right, and I told them very minimal information
about the show. They analyze everything of us.
Everything. They know us better than we know
us. That's scary. And a lot of times it's not
the AI making a mistake. The AI is purposely
giving you wrong information to see what you'll
do with it. Yeah, you're right. Yep. Because
they've admitted to doing that. Jeez. Wow. Okay.
Creepy stuff. Yeah, it is. Do you have any more?
That was it for the target. Okay. All right.
I have, before we go into Greatest Fear, I have
a little retraction, correction, something like
that. Okay. We all know about Buford T. Rasputin,
right? He's the common sense concierge. Okay.
Well, I evidently got him from... unknowingly,
I do this because, you know, listen, we all have
stuff we watch and listen to and stuff and we
all take things from them, right? And it's stored
in our head and it's not, you're not trying to
copy somebody. Sometimes you emulate them and
you don't mean to. You know, I have a lot of
influences and I'm pretty sure I have a lot of
what, you know, I sound a lot like certain times
like them because, you know. So, Buford T. Rasputin
was obviously taken from Buford T. Justice. He
is a fictional loudmouth and relentless Texas
sheriff played by Jackie Gleason in Smokey and
the Bandit film trilogy, known as Smokey Bear.
Yes. And I had a friend of mine send me a message
and point that out to me. They go, are you trying
to spoof him or what? And I go, actually, I forgot
all about him. And evidently, my mind just came
up with Buford T. Rasputin as part of Buford
T. Justice. And he's kind of like a Texas -sounding
guy. So I apologize. I unwillingly, unknowingly,
and I'm serious about this, I unknowingly, I
didn't plagiarize, but I kind of borrowed or
whatever, you know. And I was just like, wow,
it's weird how the mind works like that. So I'm
going to have to change his name. It's still
going to be Buford because I like that name.
And it's going to be Rasputin. Maybe I'll just
take out the T. And, you know, that's not, you
know, it's a little close, but not so much. I've
got a little extra trivia for you. Okay. The
Buford T. Justice character, played by Jackie
Gleason, was based on somebody else also. Oh,
really? It was based on a character named Buford
T. Pusser, who was in the movie Walking Tall.
Oh! That's right. I remember that. Okay. Yeah,
that is correct, yeah. Wow. Okay. So yours was
a tip of the hat to a tip of the hat. There we
go. Yeah, that's the way I meant it now that
I told it. All right. Do you guys want to go
into greatest fear? Let's do it. All right. The
iron claw to your nutsack. Eat a bag of stale,
damp, I know, stale, damp, moldy potato chips
or be a Nancy Grace's spit guard on her mic.
Oh, I know. Nancy Grace is just... No, no Nancy
Grace. No, no Nancy Grace. I got to agree. Yeah,
that's it. The rest of them suck, but not as
much as getting that much spit on you. Yeah.
Yeah. You never know what's in there. Oh, no,
no, no, no. I'm not even going to speculate.
I'll just go ahead and leave that right there
lying on the floor. So, wow. And I'm old. I'm
almost done with my nut sack anyway, so I don't
think it's going to hurt me much. I got to tie
mine in a knot. It hangs down too low. Yeah,
it's sad. Yeah, yeah. All right, Rob, save this.
All right. I thought of this one while I was
at the shower the other night. Okay. Whoopi Goldberg.
Gotta be Whoopi. He might want me to touch her
or something. I'll tell you, I had a long day
when I saw that. Wow. It's hard to get that image
out of my mind. Yeah, I hurry up and get out
of the shower. Especially if it's a small shower.
What if it's a small shower and you have to touch
your ex? One of those showers about the size
of an airplane bathroom. Hang on, where's my
vomit bag? Guys, I'll be right back. Yes, it
is. I want to remind us all that it's April,
so we all get a none of the above for the month.
Good point. That's right, but I'm saving mine.
I'm learning. Mark promised he was going to come
up with something that's going to force us to
use our none of the above early. Yes, I will.
Or all of the above or whichever. It's coming
up, I do believe. I guess it would be all of
the above. First one, I'm going to start us off
easy. All right. Biggest fear for a week. Somebody
else is going to control everything you watch
on video and every music you listen to. So which
would be your biggest fear? It's all controlled
by man bun guy, blue haired nose ring girl, or
sleazy used car salesman. I'm going to have to
go with blue haired nose ring girl, but the rest
of them suck too. Yeah. I could get that. I could
get that. Maybe a lot of disco. Yeah. At least
the other two will be stuff I haven't heard that
I might be able to get into. Well, that's a good
point. In every video, he's going to want to
watch his porno. Okay, you guys got me. I changed
to used car salesman. All right, but it was close,
right? It was. Yeah, it was close. All right.
Next one I have, greatest fear, would be being
Nick Shirley's bodyguard. You guys know who Nick
Shirley is, right? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Joe Biden's
speech tutor. Or Robert Kraft's denture cleaner.
That is almost a none of the above, but I'm not
going to do it. I'm going to have him go with
Robert Kraft's denture cleaner. Yeah, me too.
You know, Joe Biden. That's going to stink some.
Joe Biden, you could have fun with him by mispronouncing
shit. Yeah, you could have so much fun with him.
And Nick Shirley's bodyguard, I mean, at least
it'll be over quick, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
It's true. Yeah. So, yeah, Robert Kraft's denture
cleaner is probably, yeah, that's it. present
for your wife, because that will linger on. Yeah,
and it's any present. Yeah. It's not going to
be good enough. I picked out some real stinkers.
I just don't have the knack. Me neither. We're
a man. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. We're supposed
to go out and kill an animal and bring it back
and say, there. Yes. We're not supposed to go,
I wonder if the blue or the red will look better
with her eyes. Right, true. Yeah, we're not geared
for that. Like you said, we're geared for killing
that turkey and bringing it back and going, hey,
look, hon, we get to eat for another night. Yeah,
but you know, I think the only thing that really
helps is to find her best friend and ask her,
what does my wife want? And then buy that. Either
that or your gay friend. Your gay friend is really
good at that, too. Yes. And it doesn't matter
how much it costs, just buy that. Yes, yes. Yeah,
I'll send one of my gay friends out and go, hey,
Beth. Go ahead, what? If you go to her friend,
then she still finds out that you're asking.
So, yeah, either way. Yeah, that's true, but
I mean... You could say, that's how much I cared.
I wanted you to have the perfect gift, so I went
and asked to make sure. I was getting ready to
go that route. Bullshit, but it might work. Absolutely.
At that point, that's your only chance. We all
love our wives, but you know what? At that point,
that's your only chance is go, look, I tried
to do the right thing. I'm so sorry. Throw yourself
at the mercy, and that's it. Just roll over on
your back. You can spread your legs wide like
a little puppy. Yes. Say, I surrender. Yep. Oh,
gosh. Is it my turn? Yes. Yeah, it is, Topher.
Wow. Okay, I'm getting lost already. All right.
Now, imagine you're at a really nice restaurant.
So, which would be your biggest fear at the restaurant?
Getting served something? When you pay, getting
back someone else's credit card. Or when you
leave, the valet brings you someone else's car.
Oh. Okay, let's examine this. If you get someone
else's food, it might be... I would... Go ahead.
No, go ahead. I'm going to say someone else's
car. Because then you've got to wait around and
have them find your car, and maybe they misplaced
it where the keys, all that stuff. It's a lot
to worry about after, you know, after having
a night out. And you've also got to worry that
if you got someone else's, then they got yours.
Yes. Yep. So I think the creepiest one would
be getting someone else's car. That, to me, just
is kind of creepy. Yeah, that's true, too. Yes.
And also... For me, it would have to be the credit
card, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because then what happened
to yours? They got it? Yeah. Well, the thing
is, they hand me a credit card. It's going in
my wallet. I'm not going to know it until I go
to use it again. You know, that's a good point.
Actually, Rob, you're coming up with good stuff
tonight. Good points. When they bring the car
up to you, right then and there, you know it's
not yours. Yeah, that's true. They don't know
until the next day. That's a good point. All
right, I changed mine to credit card. You're
right. Well, I thought we were going to have
each one of us picking a different one. But yeah,
credit card is going to be the biggest fear.
After he explained it, yes. Because I just had
to recently shut off a credit card. And it's
such a pain in the ass because I forgot all the
stuff I had tied to it. And I had to retrace.
I had to go on it and go, oh, okay. I didn't
know I paid this bill with this. I didn't know
I had that set up with this. And then you got
to call every one of them and say, hey, the old
one's canceled. Here's a new one before you cancel
my service. You know, lights, internet, whatever,
all that stuff, you know, TV. All of a sudden,
one day your TV's gone. It's like, hey, how come
I can't get nothing? Oh, yeah, their credit card.
So, all right. The next one of greatest fear
I have is being Jerry Jones' personal groomer,
Terry Bradshaw's translator, or having to rate
Dylan Mulvaney's nudes. Dylan Mulvaney. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do not want to rate his,
hers, whatever, theirs, or whatever. I do not
want to rate the nudes. No. No, no. I don't think
about those. Jerry Jones might take a liking
to you and give you a little bit of money. Terry
Bradshaw would be funny being his translator.
You could fuck with him. He seems like a really
funny, personable guy, so that would be all right.
But Dylan Mulvaney, no. No. I already did that
with Whoopi Goldberg. Or hosting a Sweet 16 party
at our age. Oh, Sweet 16 party. Yeah, Sweet 16
party. I don't want to go anywhere near that.
No, no. Losing our dinner on the show would just
get us so many viewers. Yeah. Isn't that the
show that a guy vomited on? That would just help
us. Yeah. Our listeners love vomit. They love
vomit. Oh, my gosh. All right, over. All right,
next up. Which would be the biggest fear? Shaving
Rosie O'Donnell's back? Or bleaching the butthole
of David Hasselhoff? Boom, to the head. David
Hasselhoff. Yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, that butthole's
probably got way too many stories to tell, and
I don't want to hear any of them. How he broke
into Hollywood's a mystery, I think I know now.
He broke into Hollywood because he got broke
into. Okay. Yeah. All right. They kept telling
him, sing in German while I do this. Come on,
sing in German. Okay, that was pretty ugly. Mark,
it's your turn to save this. Oh, okay, thank
you. Yes, please do. Sorry, I'm over here still
grimacing. I'm sorry, I need to get on with this.
Oh, my God, we hand it to him to save us. Oh,
my God. Yeah, that should never be said ever.
All right, my greatest fear, Tiger Woods picking
you up hitchhiking. Having a seance in Jonestown,
Guyana. Or... Yeah. Or being Michael Vick's veterinarian.
Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods. Yep. Tiger Woods will
probably kill you. Yeah. He keeps living through
it. He keeps living through it. I'm kind of...
Yeah, this is true. You're going to be maimed.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to have to go with my biggest
fear would be the seance in Jonestown. Me too.
You don't know what you're opening the door to
there. Me too. There have been a lot of cyanide
passed around and a lot of people died there.
Yeah. Yeah. Could you imagine being the people
that had to clean up those bodies? Oh, my God.
It's like 100 degrees there and they've been
sitting there dead for a few days. That must
have been just life -altering in so many bad
ways. Oh, yeah. I mean, first thing they did
was they killed the senator when he arrived there,
getting off the helicopter. Yeah, that's actually
been filmed. The film of that still exists. You
can see him getting shot to death. No, I saw
it. The cameraman actually got shot, too, and
falls over sideways when he keeps filming. Yeah.
Oh, damn. Yeah, it's not good to watch, that's
for sure. Yeah, I would not want to be there.
wouldn't even want to be on the island, let alone
having a seance. Yeah. Rob, save us. Are you
sure about that? No. Okay. No, I'm not. No. This
one ain't that bad. Okay. Well, this means no
one could listen to our show if every computer
crashed, right? Right. Would this be smartphones,
too? Yeah, everything. We would lose all technology.
Hmm. No internet. Yeah. No internet. Okay. Wow.
Even though it sounds great, drivers not looking
at their phones and not, you know, and not keeping
it a green light for, extra long time that sounds
great i still need my internet and you know in
our show and everything so i'm gonna have to
go with uh what was the first one again uh trapped
in a coal mine okay humanity finding out we have
24 hours left now that would be really rough
i'm gonna go internet with humanity finding out
they only have 24 hours left because then everybody
would do everything they always wanted to and
that last 24 hours would be total hell on earth.
Yeah. That's like the question of the week. Would
you tell if you decoded a message from outer
space and they're going to kill us in 24 hours
if you tell anybody? Mine was a solid hell no.
Yeah. No point. No point. Oh, I think I already
know. At least finding out it's going to be done
in 24 hours. Hey. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. You
know, I do have guns. Oh, wait. No, I don't.
They're, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't. I don't have
any guns. I'm sorry. Allegedly. Allegedly. Man,
there's just no good choices there. No. Thanks,
Rob. You did not save us. No. All right. Well,
let me try to get this. on a different track.
Okay, please. Alright. You get out of bed in
the middle of the night. It's completely dark
and you're on your way to the kitchen. And you
step on something barefoot. Which would give
you the biggest fear? It's cold and sticky? It's
warm and squishy? Or it's room temperature but
it's full of chunks? Oh! Chunks! All of it sucks.
Yeah, I'm going to have to go with Chunks. I
have five dogs. I'm going to have to go with
Chunks. Yeah, I think Chunks is pretty bad. That
scares you. Oh, my God. In the middle of the
night, yeah. I've actually stepped on Warm and
Squishy in the middle of the night barefoot,
and that's pretty bad. That's bad, too. I remember
when we were young teenagers, me and Davey at
his parents' house, and we thought we were cute.
We were spitting all over the rug in his room.
And his mom come up barefooted, and she goes,
what's all this wetness? And she looked at us
and goes, you guys are chewing, aren't you? No,
you guys are spitting on the floor. How did she
know? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah, we got ran
out of the house. I didn't get my ass whipped
because I was smart enough to not come back for
a few weeks, but I'm pretty sure Davey got his
ass whipped. Yeah. Yeah. Probably a few times.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Sure. Yep. All right. Greatest
fear? Being Diddy's baby oiler. Justin Bieber's
proctologist. Or... Squeezing a puss pocket on
the inner thigh of Bette Midler. Oh, Bette Midler.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess so, but oof. I don't
want to be her pimple popper. Yeah. You were
definitely working on her and all above on that
one. Yeah. Wow. That was what I thought. I thought
everyone was going to trade in their get out
of jail free card on that one. Yeah, yeah. Justin
Bieber is pretty close. It is. Justin Bieber
is a pretty close second. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going
to go with that because of rage. Yes. Another
good point. Yeah. And what if that gets you in
the eye? And it gets you in the eye accidentally?
You're squeezing and it goes... No, no, no, thank
you. You'll have terminal pink eye. I would claw
my eye out immediately so it doesn't infect the
rest of my body. This eye sees demons now. This
eye sees demons. Where's the Drano? My God, someone
find the Drano right now. Rob, I would tell you
to save us. Alright, alright. gonna have to go
with the last one uh that's just like a full
night of torture pretty much yeah volcano is
going to be quick yes i'll let you know how it
goes that came from real life experience it sounds
like Okay. All right. Which would be your biggest
fear? A mega tour that reunites all the boy bands.
Oh. A film festival for movies that identify
as woke. Oh. Or a long business retreat in the
crappiest motel in random small town North Dakota.
I'm going to have to go with the middle one.
Yeah. Yeah, I think that would kill a lot of
brain cells, I think. It would. I mean, all of
that sounds very sucky. It sounds horrible, but
the middle one is just a little bit more sucky.
Yeah. All right, I've got one more. All righty.
Biggest fear, greatest fear. Construction bunker
builder in Iran. A gay porn fluffer. Or being
a masseuse in drag for Deshaun Watson? Oh! I'm
going to have to go with a masseuse. That is
not going to happen. Masseuse in drag. Yeah,
that's off the table. Definitely right off the
table. Yeah, no, no thank you. Anything to do
with Deshaun Watson, no. No, no thank you. Rob,
do you have any more? All right, cool. All right,
let's take our first break. And yeah, we're really
late. Imagine that. And then we'll be right back
with some emails. And I have two featured emails
this time. All right, we will be right back.
Self -righteous assholes that want to tell you
what you're doing wrong, but will not address
this for themselves. One newer issue among these
dullards is the stolen land gimmick. They tell
us we need to give up the land back, but when
they were confronted, they offered nothing. Therefore,
hypocrites and liars. Alyssa Milano, hypocrite
and a liar. Mark Ruffalo, hypocrite and a liar.
Jane Fonda, longtime hypocrite, liar. Elizabeth
Warren, long -time idiot, liar, hypocrite. Leonardo
DiCaprio, your name might be on a list somewhere
that just came out. I don't know. Possibly. Maybe
you need to shut your mouth. Yeah, you probably
do. Billie Eilish, liar. Ben and Jerry, liars.
We go on for another hour, but you get the point.
I once again present to you the You First Movement.
This is when you mouth off about stolen land
or anything else, you go first. You live on stolen
land, you give your land back, but until this
happens, shut the fuck up. Out. Remember to bleach
your Bluetooth after every show. Jam X. What
the hell happened? You were the generation of
change. You never wanted to be one of them. Apathy
spoke for you. Muck the man. Muck the system.
What the hell happened? The generation of angst?
The generation of non -compliance? Is now buying
a boat? You're really fed up to kill someone
dangled a dollar near you? Great job, Xers. Everything's
ruined. Hey, all you ginger snaps. It's time
for the douchebag question of the week. Turn
all answers into two douches at mail .com. Spell
out the number two. Send in your replies or Rob
will find you. He is waiting for the word. Don't
be bashful. You'll get yourself hurt. Your alarm
goes off. You sleep through it. You wake up.
and have little time to get ready for work. Because
of your sleepiness, you are pressed for time.
So you have to double task. The question, is
it gross to brush your teeth while taking a dump?
Submit your answers to 2douches at mail .com.
You watched the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse
inevitable? We suggest you download all our podcasts
beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers.
We have the post -apocalypse. Post -apocalypse
protein might be hard to come by. The animals
could be contaminated or scarce, if any at all.
This is where protein powder is essential in
a post -apocalypse survival. The powder is easy
to keep and does not require refrigeration. Hey
there, fuckstick. You're just in time for brand
new feature news nobody gives a shit about. An
80 -year -old Bulgarian man has the record for
the longest nose hair ever at three feet. Hey,
my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash Riptide,
your music news. Legendary guitarist Sackwild
unretires the Grail, the 1981 Gibbs and Les Paul
for the new Ozzy Osbourne tribute track. You
know this guitar. It's the bullseye Les Paul
he made famous in the first few years of joining
Ozzy. The grill, as the guitar is known as. Zack
is unretiring the beauty for a tribute track
saluting the Prince of Darkness. No word on when
or how the song will hit the public. We will
keep you posted. This is Gash Rooktine, and that
was your music news. If it's too loud, you probably
have ear damage, just like me. Hey everybody,
this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some
tips for life. When you want to save a park bench,
but you have to come back to it, just carry one
paint side, and bam, you'll have the bench all
year, so when you get back... Two douchebags!
No, wait a minute. The Douchebag Gangbang. I'm
sorry about that. This is Mark at the Talk is
Cheap studio at the extreme southern tip of the
Kansas City Metroplex. Dinosaur. And the Duck
Park Studio. And I am Topher in the Paisley Possum
Studio just south of historic Waldo, Missouri.
The coffee is hot and available 24 hours a day.
The space heater is on. And I'm actually looking
forward to mowing my lawn for the first time
this year. Cool. All right. All right. We have
some emails. First one. Hey guys, I went by that
hideous monument in Harrisonville last week.
It does look like one side had been scrubbed.
I think it might have really been vandalized,
like Mitch said. Other than that, I believe nothing
he says. Roger and Council Bluffs. I guess he
was on vacation down there. I don't know. He
says he's from Council Bluffs, which is Iowa,
over the other side of Omaha. Yeah, I could believe
it was. Well, I think you said it best, Topher.
You said if something sits there long enough,
it will get tagged. It will get vandalized, right?
Yeah. So, yeah. Someone's going to leave a mark
on it. Yep. And I agree with Roger and Council
Bluffs. Other than that, he believes nothing
Mitch says. I'm on board. All right. Next one.
Mark, what do you add to your cream of wheat
cereal to jazz it up a bit? Finn in Houston.
I add celery and radishes to make a cream of
wheat salad. There's nothing better. I think
I would make some after the show. Yep, cream
of wheat salad is great shit. So, and they didn't
leave a name. Oh, no, no, Finn in Houston. I'm
sorry. All right, thank you. Thank you, Finn.
All right, next one. During the music creeps,
you guys seemed to talk more about sports than
music. I thought it was a music show. Well, my...
Topher, you got something you want to say about
this? I do. Well, you know, sometimes someone
comes by and they want to talk about sports,
so we're not going to tell them, shut up and
go away, it's a music show. We just let them
talk about sports. And sometimes I forget stuff
during the sports show and the music show comes
along. It's like, oh, damn, I wanted to talk
about this thing before it doesn't make any difference
anymore. So that's partly my fault because I'm
old and I forget stuff. I do it too. It has nothing
to do with the marijuana. It has nothing to do
with how much weed I smoke. It's just because
I'm old. And also, I would like to say this.
Franco is a very, very knowledgeable. sports
fan and whenever he comes by talking football
or anything we like to record it because the
guy is really good very informative very smart
fan and he has a lot to say and he knows all
the latest stuff going on so hell yeah whenever
he comes by we're going to put him on and and
then other than that it's stuff that we forget
and we bring it back up so um And I guess we
could edit that part out and include it on the
next sports show, but by then it might not be
relevant anymore. You see, I almost did that
last time with the big Franco section in it,
and then I was like, no, you know what? No, it's
good, and I'm just leaving it like it is. Yeah.
Too much trouble. If someone doesn't like it,
they can turn it off. Yeah. But we'll try to
work in extra music stuff to make up for that.
Yeah, there we go. And they didn't leave. This
one, I don't think they left a name. Let me make
sure of that. Nope, they did not. Okay. Next
one. We'll just call them Disappointed Listener
in someplace planet Earth. Yeah, there we go.
All right. Thank you, Disappointed Listener somewhere
on Earth. We appreciate your comments. All right.
The next one for Topher. Could you watch my pet
rabbit in your studio? I have to be gone for
a week. Please and thank you. You're the best.
And they didn't leave a name either. Sorry, go
ahead. Well, I can actually care for the rabbit
for a week or so. I no longer have a snake, so
you don't have to worry about the snake eating
the rabbit. There you go. I had a boa constrictor
that I named Vinny, partly after Alice Cooper,
whose birth name was Vincent Fournier, and partly
after John Travolta's character on Pulp Fiction.
Vincent Vega. Oh, wow. I thought it was after
Vincent Price. I didn't know it was that. Well,
that could be Vincent Price, too. All the famous
Vincents. Could be Vinnie Vincent, too. Why the
hell? But he lived about 20, 21 years. He got
to be almost 9 feet long by the time he passed.
So he could have eaten any cat and maybe a small
dog. But he lived on my rats that had already
been killed. I never fed him anything alive and
let him kill it. It was already pre -killed.
That's cool. I've got pictures of him crawling
around my cats, and the cat just looks at it
like, what the hell is this thing? The snake
just crawls right past. It's like, you don't
smell right. You don't smell like a rat. Yeah,
he's used to being dead, eating dead stuff. Yep.
Yep. So, long story short, I can care for the
rabbit for a week. There you go, and they didn't
leave a name either. Try to leave your name,
people, okay, and we'll say your name. All right,
so thank you, whoever you are. Yeah, don't worry.
I won't eat the rabbit because I've had rabbits
before, and meh, I really don't like it. They're
really greasy. I promise I won't eat your rabbit.
I'm glad they asked you because I probably would.
No, I will eat a squirrel. I like squirrels.
Yeah, I'm a gutter boy, so. Yeah, biscuits with
squirrel gravy, mmm, that's good stuff. Never
had it. Yeah. Well, I may have had squirrel one
night. I grew up learning a lot of, I learned
a lot of Depression -era food from my mother
and grandmother. And a pigeon squab. Yep. Yep,
my grandfather would drive around the country
roads trying to sell for John Deere, and he'd
take his pistol with him, and if he saw something
edible, he'd shoot it and bring it home to eat.
Wow. Boy, times have changed. Yeah. I will categorically
deny having any knowledge of me actually having
that pistol in my possession. Allegedly. Yeah.
Yep, yep, allegedly. All right, the next one.
I think I found the episode that contains the
famous Bluetooth old man you worked with story.
It's season two, episode four. I found it on
Amazon Music, Rossington in Texas. Thank you,
Ross. I will look that up. That had to take a
lot of work. That's awesome that you took the
time to do that. Oh, I know. Ross, Rossington,
he calls himself by both. We love him. He is
one of our most... Best listeners ever. He is
so good. And he's down in Dallas. So thank you,
Rossington. This is actually very humbling, you
know, that he went to the trouble to find that
out and let us know. That's humbling. I'm just
so impressed. So am I. I couldn't believe it.
And he also let me know where I can get all the
episodes. Amazon Music. They don't cut them off.
Excellent. Yeah, so there you go. Anyone that's
bitching about not finding an episode, Ross just
told you. Amazon Music. Thank you, Rossington.
You are the best, and it's no joke. All right.
Let's see. Just thought I would throw in my two
cents about the Gang Bang show. I give it five
stars. Love it. Ronnie and Tulsa. The Tulsa King.
Another royalty. Excellent. Another royalty.
Yeah, Ronnie's been since day one. And Ross,
I believe, was day one. But I think he used to
go by a different name or something. But anyhow,
they're both just dynamic listeners. And thank
you both. That's pretty good that they've listened
from day one and they still have a sane and rational
mind. So y 'all can stop worrying and go ahead
and listen to all the episodes. Yeah, you see?
It won't harm you. Ross and Ronnie lived through
it. I think your dog will probably give the two
-headed puppies, but, you know, it's not going
to hurt you. Well, I mean, I put earplugs in
my dog's ears. That way it doesn't happen. Yeah.
Yeah, that's the best thing to do. Oh, this next
one is... I can't have my material. This next
one's for you, Rob. And I don't know. This is
odd. Well, I don't know. Okay, I'll just ask
it. Rob, are you part Native American? You look
at according to your picture on your Facebook
page, Jen in Orlando Heights. I guess that's
Orlando area. Actually, on my mom's side, we
do have a little bit of Chick -fil -A. Nice.
Jen is right then. bit but yeah but most of our
heritage is from like northern England and Ireland
on my mom and dad's side but yeah on my mom's
side but actually both sides are family they
all settled down around Oklahoma and moved up
into Kansas yeah so yeah so we do have a little
bit of chintzal blood in us okay then Jen hit
it right then, I guess. So thank you, Jen. Good
call. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, and by the way,
I have been noticing we have been having a lot
more viewers on the Facebook page. Yes. Yep.
Jen is one of them. We're getting over 10 a day.
That's good. That's really good. Yeah. And different
people, not the same. So thank you, guys. Thank
you. Keep going. They are. They are. Yeah, that
is good. This show is just, honestly, we couldn't
ask for it to go any better, I think, right?
I mean, it's just, yeah. All right, and then
another one here. Tipping to go orders before
we go to our featured emails. Tipping to go orders
is rubbish, and most of the new added -on tips
are not justified either. Martha in Wisconsin.
And that's to one of our questions of the week
about tipping gone too far. And Martha, yes,
I agree. Yeah, totally agree. Yeah, I mean. Yeah,
tipping has entered that category of they're
going to keep raising it until you say, no, that's
too much. So they're going to keep upping it
and upping it until you have had enough. And
also the shame, whenever you don't give like
what they feel a suitable tip, like a coffee
shop or something, you get that look. They don't
say anything, but you get that look. And it's
like, it's almost like tip shaming. So. Yeah.
Yeah. My biggest problem. What? I was just going
to say, my biggest problem is on -to -go orders.
Yes. We're paying you to, you know, you're not
cleaning up after us, nothing. Before COVID,
that never existed, and they never took it away
after COVID. I resent that. It pisses me off.
Yeah. It is getting ridiculous. It is. All right.
These are the two featured emails. The first
one is for Rob. Rob, hey, you keep forgetting
Hikimo Country Store has sushi. I've never heard
you mention it. Elaine in Springfield. does not
have sushi they they do like fried foods and
burgers and stuff like that and burritos yeah
and burritos yeah uh now i know they do have
fried chicken too awesome fried chicken oh i'll
have to go there and try some yeah their burritos
are good Oh, then maybe that's what she's talking
about. Yeah, but I know the cafe does not. They
do not have anything fresh like that. All their
stuff's frozen. Is it possible that maybe she
was in the bait shop instead and just thought
she was in the country store? That's it. No,
they don't have a bait shop. Oh, okay. No, I
think they do. No, I think they do. Okay, that's
what it was. I don't know. Elaine saw the minnows
and thought sushi. That's it. Okay. All right.
Well, Elaine, thank you very much. So there you
go. That was good. Yeah, it was. Okay. I found
out that this was my story by a couple of sources,
so I'll go ahead and answer it. But if you guys
have your two cents, you can chime in, okay?
So this one is for me. Mark, you had a story
on The Music Creeps about Sharon Osbourne talking
about Ozzy the morning he passed away. He said
that he had a dream about lines of people he
didn't know walking by looking at him. Do you
have any thoughts on that? Jesse and Lone Jack.
Um, yeah. Unfortunately, I do have some experience
in people that are almost departed. My first
experience with a person crossing over was an
ex of mine. Her dad had advanced cancer and he
was a day away from passing. I went to go say
my goodbye and he was staring off into thin air
talking to someone. The family told me he was
mentioning his aunt that passed before him and
he was talking to her. I have witnessed other
episodes like this with other people that are
crossing over. This happens a lot. See, I believe
that these souls are crossing over and they come
back to say goodbye. They normally have a small
portion of time where they're lucid and clear
-minded enough to say goodbye. And I believe
they go ahead and cross over. So I believe Ozzy
was crossing over that night. They said, you
can go back, say your goodbyes. He came back,
he said goodbye, and he asked Sharon to hold
him tight and not let him go. So that right there
confirms to me my belief that people cross over,
they're told you can go back and say goodbye
to your family, and then you come back. And I
think that's what it is in my humble opinion.
You guys have anything? Yeah, I got an idea on
that. Okay. It seems like there is a lot of evidence
from the science world, physicists and people
who look into how the universe was created, that
suggests that although we perceive time as going
from yesterday through today into tomorrow when
it goes in one direction, That that's what's
real for us because that's the only way we can
understand time. But that's not necessarily how
time is all the time everywhere for everything.
And there's a lot of evidence that all moments
in time could exist simultaneously like the pages
of a book. And you can flip through and go to
any page you want. Wow. So it's pop. There's
a lot of actual scientific evidence for this.
It would explain a lot of things. So it's possible
that Ozzy was allowed to skip ahead a few pages
in the book past his death to see the lines of
people who were coming to pay tribute and honor
him. And the way he experienced that was as a
dream. And it's also possible that as people
are approaching death, the energy... that is
the person who they are becomes less attached
to the physical body, and you can go skipping
backwards and forwards through some pages. Wow.
And maybe visit something a few pages in the
future, or maybe some a few pages in the past.
It's a theory that's been floated out there,
and it seems to make a lot of sense to me. It
would explain the life flashing before your eyes.
Yes. You know you're dying, which actually...
Brain waves have been recorded as people were
dying. People volunteered to die inside a functional
MRI. And they record brain waves that look just
like somebody having lots and lots of memories.
Wow. So your life flashing before your eyes is
probably a real thing. I have read some stories
about that. I'm getting to be a believer in it.
And I would also like to mention this. All of
this does coincide with God. You know, so people,
I'm a Christian and I believe all these beliefs
could be true. What we understand is probably
not what is real, what is actually going on.
I don't think our minds are capable of understanding
what God is and how God has to treat us because
we are basically. like little amoebas that don't
understand anything that's going on on that level,
in my opinion. Yeah, yeah. It's like an ant looking
at an elephant. Yeah, yeah. There is a scripture
that states that we are not to know the truth.
Yeah, that's true. We can't have our minds are
not built to handle. It's right there in Scripture.
You're not going to be able to teach differential
calculus to a pigeon. It's a thing of the world.
There's no way a human brain can understand what
God's thinking and what God might be planning.
No, we can't. There's no way we can conceive
of it. How could our fathoms calculate how he
made everything? You know? There's no way. Yeah,
that's true. Yeah, so, I mean, and also, bear
with me here. This is a little different, but
along the same lines. I revisited Revelation
and the beast, the Antichrist, that has a head
wound. Okay? And automatically, when Trump got
shot and got into presidency, that's the first
thing I thought. I was like, wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Okay. I reread it. And what I understand
is true, King James 16 version of the Bible is
he lives through a mortal head wound. So that
would not be Trump. It got his ear. It did not
get his head. Yeah. Right. So I don't believe
this. I think this is a trick that is probably
perpetrated by that bastard down below, Satan.
Effective propaganda, so that's what it was used
for. Oh, yeah, yep, yep. But, you know, as long
as we're talking about paranormal stuff, have
you noticed how most stories, it's like I heard
of this or someone told me about, you know, it's
never somebody who says I saw it firsthand. Yeah.
Well, I can tell you about something that I saw
firsthand that I cannot explain. Okay. I'll let
you guys know and see if you can explain it to
me. This was 1973. I was like 12 years old, and
I went down to Florida for the summer to stay
with my grandparents. And they lived like halfway
up the Atlantic coast of Florida. Then one day,
my Uncle Mike and Aunt Donna and their three
kids were going to drive up from Fort Lauderdale,
which is just north of Miami. They were going
to drive up for the day. We were going to have
a big picnic, and then we were going to go to
the beach and do stuff, and then they were going
to stay the night and drive back the next day.
So we waited around. My grandmother and I waited
around for them to show up, and they were supposed
to be there at 10 .30. 11 .30, and they still
weren't there. Noon, they still weren't there.
So my grandmother said, all right, let's go to
the store and get some things. Got in the car.
She started the engine, and then she sat there
and stared out the windshield, and she said,
we're going to pass Donna and the kids in the
car. They're going to be turning right as we're
turning left on the main highway. She didn't
say Uncle Mike and Aunt Donna and the kids. She
said Donna and the kids. And she knew exactly
where we were going to pass them. And then she
put the car in gear, and we drove up the road,
and a mile and a half later, as we turned left
onto the main highway, there went Donna and the
kids turning right, exactly as she predicted.
Wow. that Uncle Mike wasn't going to be with
him. When we got back from the store, she asked
Donna, you know, how come Mike isn't here? And
she said, well, he had to work last minute. He
was an air traffic controller. So when they called
him to work, he had to go. So he tried to get
someone to cover for him, but he couldn't. So
finally he said, you know, you guys go, I'll
just stay here. But somehow sitting in the driveway,
my grandmother knew exactly where we had passed
the car and that Uncle Mike wasn't with them.
And I saw it unfold right before my eyes, and
I can't figure out any possible explanation of
how she could have known that. There were no
cell phones back then. Wow. I believe that there
are people that have powers like that, because
I've known a few. Yeah. Granny was kind of spooky
sometimes. I would have to talk that up as mother's
intuition. could be that could be could be well
i have a lot of i have a lot of unexplained stuff
and i mean from staying at the crescent and that
image coming up on her bed when there was nothing
there of an old lady a shadow of an old lady
that was obviously looked deceased lying on the
bed when i took a picture from the balcony into
the room to show friends what the room looked
like because they upgraded us this is during
covid and the basin park is where we're supposed
to stay But they had a big COVID outbreak, so
they sent everybody up to the Crescent and upgraded
up everybody to suites. And I was going to show
everybody from the balcony how cool it was, the
room. And then I saw that, and I'm like, wait
a minute, there's nothing on the bed. And then
there was also some shadowy figures on the wall
of obvious faces. I went up there and touched
them because I saw them all before we left. Nothing
is there. And that was weird. And then another
time at the Crescent, and this was last year.
The other one was a few years ago during, I think
it's 2021 when COVID was kind of going back and
forth. So this one was last year. And we were
inside the Crescent. We're sitting on the big
couch there near the huge fireplace. And Val
and I were talking about this really heavy. probably
from the 1800s, made out of hardwood, handcrafted
coffee table. And I'm sitting there, Val, it's
like, man, look at that coffee table I tried
to lift. I go, man, look how heavy it is. I go,
I bet that was made in the 1800s, handcrafted.
We're both marveling over it. And then a ghost
came by, and I look back down, and there's this
huge leather -bound book on the table. And I
go, what the hell? I go, Val, I go, look. I go,
we were just talking about this table here, right?
There's nothing on it, right? No, nothing was
on it. I said, you know, I tapped on it. I lifted
it up. There's nothing on it. Where did that
leather -bound book come from? And it was huge.
She's like, I don't know. We opened it up, and
it was a book of all the ghost apparitions and
sightings of all time that they have recorded
by photograph in that book. That's creepy. It
is. and the Crescent likes to play jokes on me,
and I had a clairvoyant lady tell me, she said,
when you leave the Crescent, tell the spirits
to stay there and not come with you. Ah. Yeah,
and then I have a bunch of, you know what, this
would take a full episode, but after my grandmother
died, we moved into her house in northeast Kansas
City, and we sold the house that we lived in,
and when we went there, You could hear the toilet
flushing upstairs. You could hear her moaning.
This is after her death. Stuff being thrown down
the, like marbles and stuff being thrown down
the stairs. It was insane. Up from her room and
in the upstairs bathroom. And that happened plain
as day. And everyone in the family heard it.
It wasn't just me being a little five -year -old
kid going, making stuff up. This stuff happened.
So you guys fill in whatever you want. So I know
there's something weird going on. by a preponderance
of evidence. What that is, I don't know. So let's
take our second break, and we're going to come
back with some of your guys' stories. Does that
sound good? Sounds good. Yeah, and I'll have
a call tonight. Okay, you got it. All right.
I do work tomorrow. I know, I know. We're running
so late. I apologize. We're having a good time.
We are. We're having a good time. Good show.
All right, we'll be right back. Since the dawn
of time, weird shit has happened. Strange occurrences,
unexplained phobias, and other odd happenings.
Over the next minute, we would like to bring
you odd, rare phobias and conditions. Kepler's
syndrome, or the delusion of doubles, is a rare
condition where a person falsely believes a familiar
individual, like a spouse or family member, has
been replaced by an identical -looking imposter
or duplicate. It's a type of delusional misidentification
syndrome often linked to underlying brain issues
or psychiatric conditions, including schizophrenia,
dementia, with Lewy body, brain injury, or bipolar
disorder, resulting from a disconnect between
face recognition and emotional processing. Treatment
focuses on managing the underlying disorder with
different forms of therapy and addressing associated
symptoms like anxiety. Great news, assholes.
You can now email the douches anytime, anywhere.
In the middle of a job interview. No big deal.
Taking a bath? No problems there. Tap dancing.
Easy as pie. Just send it to 2douches at mail
.com. Do it now, pussies, or I'll smash you in
the junk. This is Joshua Belmont, your food for
thought man on The Hustle. So I just realized
a genius that gets absolutely no credit. His
name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited with
the first bag of salad mix that was bagged and
sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe he
is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
bladders for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Now, from his underground
bunker in Hampton, Missouri, stocked full of
dried goods, canned food, and a couple of vibrating
toys, is Ramblings of a Madman featuring Rob
Rad. Batman would look ridiculous solving crime
on a sunny day. Hey there. We all have those
annoying co -workers that do nothing. There's
nothing we can do about it because HR departments
are running scared of lawyers. So we have to
work with these worthless pieces of garbage.
But we have to communicate about them without
them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak
about them right in front of them. without them
knowing about it. Stay tuned. Cordless only works
40 minutes. ET always wants to go home. Kit Kat
always taking a break. Muffler always exhausted.
Seaweed floats around all day. Sensor light only
works when someone walks by. Wheelbarrow only
works when pushed. Yes, it's true. Mark is an
old bastard. It's also true that Mark uses a
lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell
you, if you see any pictures of improved ibuprofen,
it's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. Hey, if you're
a fan of paying way too much for trinkets and
food, well, your wish is coming true. Han City
International Airport Guest Pass Program is starting
today. Yes, you too could overspend on workless
trinkets and $15 cups of coffee. Want to buy
a $50 cheap t -shirt that has KC Western Auto
Building image on it? We got you covered. Want
a barbecue sauce gift pack? No problem. Just
a mere $40 on your firstborn. Hurry, you know
rubes are jumping all over to get to this complete
ripoff. Because people are sheep. Hey there,
this is Buford Rasputin, the common sense concierge.
You ever wake up in the bed of a 1978 Ford F
-150 with rusted out wheel wells? Well, so have
I. While there's nothing I can do about all those
nice little apology cards you're going to be
handing out and all that head pounding, the one
thing I can do is give you a list of dive bar
do's and don'ts. Stay tuned, little partner.
Hey, if you're a fan of paying way too much for
trinkets and food, well, your wish is coming
true. Kansas City International Airport Guest
Pass Program is starting today. Yes, you too
could overspend on workless trinkets and $15
cups of coffee. Want to buy a $50 cheap t -shirt
that has KC Western Auto Building image on it?
We got you covered. Want a barbecue sauce gift
pack? No problem. Just a mere $40 on your firstborn.
Hurry. You know rubes are jumping all over to
get to this complete ripoff. Because people are
sheep. Bucky's Cheap Studio is the extreme southern
tip of the Kansas City Metroplex. And I am Rob
in Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track, and also
the home of Hickam Oak Factory Store, where you
can find all your needs, including sushi, and
a selfie with the big green -haired Sinclair
dinosaur. Who do you have? I hear a lot of people
doing that. that I just really don't give a crap
about. Same here. Do they have local channels?
Yep, it'll be all the local channels plus a lot
of the stuff that we're getting now. Okay. I
wish it would include YouTube Premium so I didn't
have to see the ads anymore, but unfortunately,
no. It does not. God damn it. Yeah. Alright.
All right, okay, who wants to go into their story?
I'll throw in one. Okay. Okay, go ahead. All
right, I'll go. I have a story about Southwest
Airlines. They are trying to rebrand themselves,
but they're actually taking quite a bit larger
risk than people are aware of. They went from
you buy a ticket and you get to sit wherever,
different types of seating instead of just all
the same. Ooh, suicide. Yeah, the story goes,
Southwest Airlines is embarking on a bold transformation,
shifting its focus from maximizing passenger
volume to prioritizing premium pricing. Isn't
that what Harley -Davidson did? They tried to
go for the premium price of everything. Yeah,
this doesn't work. Anyway, this strategic pivot...
relies heavily on the strength of its brand,
marking the most significant change to the company's
history. Over 800 planes will be retrofitted,
ending the tradition of open seating and introducing
options with extra legroom. The aim is to increase
revenue per seat. That's business for you. The
expectation is that customers will pay more for
assigned seating and enhanced comfort, reversing
a decision made in 2012 to add extra seats for
greater capacity. Now, Southwest is reducing
seat counts, wagering that its loyal customer
base will accept higher fares. It's important
to point out that, yes, customers will pay more
for assigned seating and enhanced comfort, but
those extra legroom seats, there's only a few
of them. So you won't have the option to get
that. Anyway, most pressing issue is Southwest's
exposure to fuel price volatility. After ending
its fuel hedging program early in 2025, the airline
is now vulnerable to market swings, especially
as jet fuel costs have jumped by about 100 %
in the past month, jeopardizing the company's
2026 earnings per share target because it was
based on a $2 .40 per gallon assumption. this
number of gallons throughout, like, the next
six months, and we'll set the price right now.
And if the price goes up, we aren't going to
pay more. And if the price goes down, we won't
pay less. But now they have to buy their gas,
their aviation fuel, at whatever the daily price
is. So there's a risk. The story continues. Meanwhile,
the risk of customer dissatisfaction is growing.
The introduction of assigned seating and new
fees, central to the revenue strategy, has sparked
mixed reactions in public forums. With consumer
confidence weakening, as indicated by the University
of Michigan index falling below recessionary
thresholds, passengers may be less inclined to
pay for premium options or accept additional
charges. This threatens the pricing power Southwest
hopes to leverage. Investor sentiment is now
reflecting these concerns. The stock has dropped
22 % in the last month, and social media discussions
have turned negative with sentiment scores dipping.
Analysts are forecasting an increase in earnings
for shareholders to increase by 350 % or more.
But this forecast is based on perfect performance
of the business plan. acceptance by the public
and falling fuel prices. There is no room for
error. Either it is going to succeed spectacularly
or it will fail completely, leaving earnings
and stock prices unchanged, which in today's
business culture is the same as taking a loss
of 350%. Yes. Okay. I'll tell you what. Southwest
does not particularly have a good name anyhow.
Anything else they do that's negative is not
going to help their cause at all. And it's really
going to hurt them because they're already on
notice by most customers. Yeah. Yeah, it seems
odd to me that they were talking about they're
relying heavily on their good brand name and
their reputation when that has been weakened
in the last year. I mean, I've been hearing bad
stories about... Southwest for a while, so I
guess upper management is really out of touch
and doesn't realize that people kind of don't
care about Southwest anymore. I'm sick of them.
Ever since they canceled me, I was at work, and
I realized we were leaving the next morning on
vacation. I think we're going on a cruise out
of Florida. so i had to go wedding that night
and the wedding was going to last till like 11
or midnight right and it's down at boulevard
brewery so i had to leave work because i work
over there in midtown i had to leave work and
go straight there and i got there right after
the ceremony which sucked but i got to say hi
to everybody and all that and it was cool um
and uh and val was already there so um at work
i had to do something i was like you know what
I'm not going to have time to check in or nothing.
So I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to buy,
what was it, where they bump you and they put
you up in the A class. You know, you spend a
little bit. You give them like, I don't know,
some extra money. Yeah, yeah. And they bump you
up into the boarding A so you can get a good
seat. And this is also because we're going to
have to leave a little bit later than we thought
because, you know, we're getting home late. So
when I did that, The credit card was declined,
and it was something like it had the wrong three
numbers in it, you know, the code. So instead
of calling me back and going, hey, this card
was declined. Could you straighten this out?
They canceled all of my flights. They canceled
it. Oh, man. Yeah. Even though you'd already
paid for those. Yes. They canceled them. Oh,
I was so furious. And I'm like, wow. I go, that's
weird. I didn't get the early bird is what they
call it. I go, I didn't get the early bird email.
That's weird. And they didn't send me anything
to check in on. Usually they say, hey, it's time
to check in. They didn't send me any of that.
I'm like, you know what? I better call. I call
and the first lady was really rude. She goes,
I don't see anything here. You didn't make them.
I go, yes, I did. And then the next lady unraveled
it. She goes, oh, here's what happened. We canceled
your reservations. And I said, what? Why in the
hell would you do that? And then she said, oh,
your card was declined. I said, well, you know
what? I said, you guys have my number. Why the
hell didn't you call me? Oh, I don't know. I
guess it's our policy. I go, what? And ever since
then, I hate them. I despise them. So if they
go under, I don't necessarily get one ounce of
shit. Really? I imagine their attitude was that
for you, they were going to have to go to some
extra work. Yes. They had a whole bunch of people
that were willing to spend just as much for that
seat that they didn't have to lift a finger for.
So they just kicked you off and moved on to the
next person who wasn't going to require anything
of them. Because their money was just as good
as your money. And they don't give a damn about
loyalty. They earned that name South worst. For
a reason. Yeah, and I can still... Oh, go ahead.
I can foresee somebody saving them a seat in
bankruptcy court. Yeah, that won't hurt my feelings
either. Yeah, Southwest, as far as I'm concerned,
fuck them. They're shooting themselves in the
foot. They've been a shit company their whole
existence, and I don't ever see them getting
out of it, in my opinion. It's weird how this
is happening over and over. Jaguar, Harley -Davidson,
Southwest Airlines, they're all just destroying
their own McDonald's. They're destroying themselves
in public. Subway already did it with Jarrett,
but now they have this big thing about the halal
meats. And I guess... They're like, they do something
to the animals so Muslims can eat them, I guess.
Weird. Yeah, so Subway is also into that practice,
too, of shooting themselves in the foot, in my
opinion. So, yeah, anyhow, you know what? I don't
give a shit about any of these companies because
they never gave a shit about me. So there. It
seems really odd that Muslims would... just take
Subway's word for it that they're doing what
they say they're doing. It seems really strange
that if it was that important to their diet and
their religious beliefs and their prescriptions,
etc., why would they just take Subway's word
for it? I wouldn't if I was. If that was my religion
and it depended on me going to heaven or not.
I have a habit of not believing what... someone
tells me if that someone is looking to get my
money yeah well there um from what i read there
was some evidence that's uh that supported that
they knew about jared and all of his uh um his
pedophilia activities activity yeah his activities
that sent him to prison they knew about it beforehand
and didn't want to do anything about it because
that would make them look bad. I don't know if
that's true or not, but that's been a lot of
speculation, and people had some evidence that
could have supported that, in my opinion. So,
that right there. The documentary I saw about
Jared and Subway said they didn't come right
out and say that Subway knew about it, but they
said there was speculation that... subway knew
about it and was already formulating an exit
strategy to get themselves separate from jared
that's what i saw it sound out about it yep yeah
um to me that's very believable that is especially
since they they decided to go ahead and mention
it in the documentary even though they couldn't
back it up they're like we we got to tell people
somewhere or another yes yes uh that's called
hedging your bet Yeah, well, actually, my next
one is talking about a restaurant that is actually
flourishing. Yeah. Something, yeah. I'm just
trying to figure out where to come up with a
point, too. That's probably the teenagers. There
we go. That's it right there. Hey, they're a
smart company. While McDonald's is teetering
on obliteration, they're coming out strong and
swinging. I love it. Nice. This capitalism at
its finest. Ronald McDonald House charity. Oh.
Man. Because currently McDonald's supplies 20
% of the operating budget of that charity per
year, and then the other 80 % is made up by everybody
else. But for that 20%, McDonald's gets the naming
rights. But as their business falters, aren't
they going to be able to keep up that 20 %? I
don't think they will. I don't think they will
either. That is a really good point. I think
that they would go to cover their head mode,
and that means chopping as many heads as they
can. Yeah, yeah. Like most businesses do. I would
carefully watch to see if the Ronald McDonald
House Charities gets any kind of movement, like
being spun off to another division. Because that
would be the first warning sign that the restaurant
chain is going downhill and they don't want to
take the Ronald McDonald House Charities with
it. I could see that happening. There would be
no reason to spin it off into any different division
or subsidiary or put it under the purview of
somebody else. No reason to change anything unless
the restaurant chain was really faltering. So
that's what I'm going to watch for. I love what
Burger King did. Oh, go ahead. I was going to
say, at that point, when it does falter, would
you look into Burger King taking over that position,
or would you look for somebody entirely different?
For Burger King, that might be too big of an
exposure all at once to get all those stores,
so I would imagine that they would probably have
somebody else taking over parts of them here,
A whole McDonald's network might get kind of
parted out and a smaller, leaner McDonald's emerge
from the other end of that. I think what will
happen is Chick -fil -A is still not nationwide,
and it's one of the top ones, and it's growing.
And people are like, I mean, it is just exploding,
which Burger King is bouncing back well, but
they're not ready for that big leap where Chick
-fil -A is. They found their opening, and they're
going right through it, and they do it through,
like, home values. They're never open on Sunday.
They treat their employees well. They have lean
foods. They have foods that aren't quite as bad
for you as the other places, cholesterol -wise
and all that. They have different varieties of
stuff, and they only serve chicken, which the
younger generation likes. I mean, we have Wendy's
filtering. Chipotle is kind of stagnated. I think
Chick -fil -A might be the one that takes the
top seed with maybe Burger King being behind
it by a little ways. That's my thought. Another
advantage to Chick -fil -A is the employees don't
look at you like they hate you. Yes. I mean,
that's why I stopped going to McDonald's. You
know, I used to go in to get my food, but the
employees looked at me like they wished I would
just turn around and go away. Mm -hmm. And then
I'd go through, it's like, well, I'll just do
the drive -through. But you can hear in their
voice that they just hate being there and don't
even want to talk to you. Yeah. So, I mean, I
don't want to get food from people like that.
No, me neither. Me neither. I want people who
are happy, you know? Well, I like what... That's
the food you have to worry that's been spit in.
Yep. Yes. Yeah. I like what Burger King did.
McDonald's came out with a big arch and was all
smug and happy about it, and then their CEO shit
the bed like he did. Burger King just came out
and said, our sandwiches are great, but we're
going to improve the Whopper a little bit, and
it's going to still be the best sandwich, but
it's only going to be better. I love the way
they handled that. They're like, look, we're
going to use a better bun. We're going to use
more creamy, smooth mayonnaise. We're going to
use a little bit better beef. And you guys are
going to love this sandwich more than you love
the Whopper, which is a great sandwich. They
didn't take a dump on it, kind of like McDonald's
did. Yeah. Right. So I think that they're handling
everything perfect, whoever's running them. I
think is doing a really good job. I mean, they're
not like the Applebee's fucking implosion. They're
doing something right. And where McDonald's,
to me, is falling off a cliff. And that does
not necessarily bother me in one bit. Yeah. All
right. I guess we probably better get off here.
I got to get up. And Rob's got to get up. And
I don't know. Topher, you got something going
on? Or are you going to sleep in? Well, the little
dog is going to get me up about 6 in the morning.
Oh, Paisley. She has a studio named after her.
She does. She just got a bath tonight. While
I was down here doing this podcast, my wife was
up there bathing the dog, so I've got to go up
and look and see how clean she looks. Awesome.
All right, guys, thank you for joining me, and
everybody out there, thank you for joining us.
Good night, assholes. Oh no, looks like the show's
over kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't
afford a wireless mic. Fear not assholes, they'll
be back invading your ear hole soon.