WEBVTT

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The following program is brought to you by All

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Star Pest Solutions. Call 913 -738 -7827. Ask

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for Joe, the bug guy. Oh my! What am I going

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to do? The cockroach just ran off with my peanut

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butter and jelly sandwich. An army of sugar ants

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pulled a switchblade on me and took my Nikes

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and my wallet. You better call Joe. Who the hell

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is Joe? It's Joe from All Star Pest Solutions.

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Dumbass. Are bugs taking over your house? Ants

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in the kitchen? Spiders in the corners? Something

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the truth. Most companies send out technicians

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Tough on pests. No contracts. Call or text 913

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-738 -STAR for your free inspection today. All

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Star Pest Solutions. Guaranteed service. Guaranteed

00:00:57.009 --> 00:01:01.140
results. Well, well, well. We see you made it

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back. That's right. It's time for your favorite

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podcast, Two Douchebags and Microphone, live

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from the historic river market in downtown Kansas

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City, Missouri. But only on Tuesdays and sometimes

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Wednesdays. Otherwise, you get live from the

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Duck Wine Studio in Wheatland, Missouri, and

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the Talk is Cheap studio from extreme southern

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tenth of the Kansas City metroplex and the surrounding

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areas. Let's grab a seat and see what kind of

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garbage they throw at us today. Enjoy. Welcome

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again. We're happy you chose us. Come on in.

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Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon

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and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.

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If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since

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you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge

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out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your

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hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.

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I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download

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every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise

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to make all friends, family members and workmates

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download this show. I, Joe or Jane Listener,

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promise to grab idle computers, work computers,

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friends computers, community computers and other

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assorted phones and listening devices and download

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the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,

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will download the show. and constantly barrage

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everyone with show name and platforms. I, Joe

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or Jane Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume

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and scream the show's name from my front yard.

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And finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy

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humor, we must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking

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in Uranus, Missouri to take selfies with the

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signs. If you go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory.

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Yes, there's a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke.

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Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't

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stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead

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and assume we got the story wrong. At least we

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admit it. Not like all those other guys, we can

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and will lie if it makes the story better. Two

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douchebags and a microphone. Your mama's so stupid.

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She tried to climb Mountain Dew. I have a pet

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termite I call Clint. Wow, no shit. How strange.

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Yeah, I call it Clint Eats Wood. Hey, good kid.

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No one gives an ounce of shit what you had for

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breakfast. Not even the person on the other end.

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You look like a mentally slow driv yelling into

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thin air all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth

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shorts you out and blows up your eardrums. What

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men consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly

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coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look

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back home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably

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forgot the thieving because you're too busy looking

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in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Ms. Gulkenstein

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was tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of

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her. Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein

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was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.

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She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing

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Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to

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a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.

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Here are the adventures of Rob. The Capuchin

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Monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen

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in as Rob the Capuchin Monkey tries to sell the

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rest of the Capuchin Monkey's Amway. Rob has

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always dreamed of becoming a Diamond Status Amway

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as a Capuchin Monkey. Little did our hero Rob

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know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's

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Club and became violently pissed off when he

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tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly

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grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days

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straight. Rob could not sit down. Hey there,

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my little sorghum chewers. It's time for another

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edition of Dive Bar Man Codes. And here we go.

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Number one, the sticker of the floor. the stronger

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the drinks. You do not ask what's in the well

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liquor. You accept it. If the bartender calls

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you hun, you're safe. Cash is king. Cards are

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suspicious. The quiet guy at the end of the bar

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knows everything. You're not regulars. You do

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not ask questions. If the jukebox is present,

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you must be used responsibly. Never play more

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than two songs in a row. Touching the jukebox

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after midnight is a bold move and should probably

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not happen. Two douchebags and a microphone.

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I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the

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Talk is Cheap studio. Lucas Oil Speedway and

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Water Track, and also home of Hickamost Country

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Store, where you can find all your needs, including

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a selfie with the Sinclair dinosaur in the Dunblane

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studio. All right. Okay. Rob, how are you doing

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this evening? Oh, I'm worn out, like always.

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Yeah. How are you going? I'd like to energize

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you. The same here. I've been, well, today was

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three hours of podcasting, but yesterday was

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all day cutting, brushing trees in the yard.

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I had to get to it, and it was a perfect day

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yesterday. I mean, it was around 90 degrees,

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but it was a perfect day to get it done. And

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I got it all done, so I'm pretty happy with that.

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I mean, I got a lot more to do, but I got that

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done when I needed to do the worst, because I

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got to build a privacy fence, a smaller one.

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around the pool so we can get more sunlight.

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So I had to cut down the evergreens, and now

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I've got to do a four -foot privacy fence so

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people can't actually see you lying around the

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pool, but if you stand up, you can look out and

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you can get sunlight. So it's, you know, just

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like you. You've always got stuff to do also.

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You know what? I'd say hell with it. Do away

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with the fence. Let the neighbors watch. It's

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not me that gives a shit. Otherwise, I would.

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Yeah. It's your boss. Yeah, yes. Yes, my boss.

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Yep. Yep. So, anyhow, let me see here. Okay,

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sorry, I was trying to figure something out here

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real quick, and it sounded horrible on the podcast,

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but I'm going to get to it here. Okay, well,

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today is April 1st. So it's April Fool's Day,

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right? Yeah. You want to hear a little list of

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some of the best April Fool's pranks ever played

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on America or the world? Sure. Okay. Number one

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on this list is the spaghetti hoax. the spaghetti

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tree hoax. In 1957, one of the most legendary

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pranks ever aired by the BBC, British Broadcasting

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Company, they showed Swiss farmers harvesting

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spaghetti from trees, and viewers actually called

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in asking how to grow their own. So, this worked

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at the time because spaghetti was not common

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in the UK during that period. So, they didn't

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know that much about it, so people thought, oh,

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spaghetti tree. The next one happened in 1996.

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It's called the Taco Liberty Bell. I vaguely

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remember this. Taco Bell announced it had purchased

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the Liberty Bell and renamed it Taco Liberty

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Bell. People were furious until it was revealed

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as a prank. Even politicians briefly commented

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on it before realizing it was a joke. I vaguely

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remember that. Yeah, I do too. Once I read this,

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I'm like, you know, I do remember that, you know.

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So, Google's moon job in 2007. Google posted

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a fake job listing for the center, Copenaria

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Center, I think, on the moon. If I did not say

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that right, then, you know, Google it and you

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figure out how to say it. Complete were ridiculous

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requirements like low gravity experience preferred.

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Classic Google, though, detailed enough to almost

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seem real. Flying penguins in 2008. The BBC again

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struck with a nature documentary clip showing

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penguins taking flight and migrating to the Amazon.

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Narrated by Terry Jones. The CGI was good enough

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to fool a lot of people. So they said that penguins,

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this cold weather animal. that loves ice, was

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flocking to the Amazon for no apparent reason.

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I love that joke. What do you think? I love it.

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Pluto reclassified again. The first time this

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happened was 1976, and this happened periodically

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after that. And an astronomer, Patrick Moore,

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went on the radio claiming that a rare planetary

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alignment would reduce gravity at exactly 947

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a .m. Listeners reported feeling lighter, even

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floating. Nothing but the Paris suggestion on

00:11:11.129 --> 00:11:14.830
that one. Exactly. This was one of my favorites.

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In 1998, the left -handed whopper. Do you remember

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anything about that at all? I do. Yes. Burger

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King advertised... Yeah, it was like a big deal

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at the time, and I can't remember whether I bid

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on it or not, but I do remember it. Burger King

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advertised a left -handed Whopper designed for

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lefties. Thousands ordered it, and just as many

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requested the right -handed version. The same

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burger, different marketing. Yeah, I was one

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of them who requested the right -handed. You

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got to laugh, wasn't I? Yeah, yeah, I needed

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a right -handed one, too. A left -handed one

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would be awkward, right? I'll tell you what,

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it made them funny. Yes, it did. It was a pretty

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good... It was a hell of a prank, that's for

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sure. And we all got to enjoy our left -handed

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or right -handed whopper until they told us it

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was a prank. Sometimes I fake being left -handed.

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Really? That's who needs more of them. Oh, yeah.

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You know what? You're right. Yeah, I'm left -handed.

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Right with your left hand. Oh, shit. So, all

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right. Nixon for president in 1992. NPR aired

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a segment claiming Richard Nixon was running

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for president again with the slogan, I never

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did anything wrong and I won't do it again. Many

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listeners believed the date and believed it.

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That was good. I do not remember that one. In

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1992, Richard Nixon was probably almost dead.

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He was really, really old. So number one, I would

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have been like calling bullshit on that part

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right there. Yeah. So, but anyhow, I guess people

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believed it. MIT's police car on the dome, 1994.

00:13:12.279 --> 00:13:15.519
I don't remember this. Students at MIT somehow

00:13:15.519 --> 00:13:18.039
placed a full -size police car on top of the

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great dome, completing with a dummy officer and

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flashing lights. Not announced as a prank, but

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perfectly timed for April Fool's. So, it doesn't

00:13:30.350 --> 00:13:33.850
say where this dome was at, but I would guess

00:13:33.850 --> 00:13:37.129
probably maybe like Las Vegas or some entertainment

00:13:37.129 --> 00:13:41.669
place like that. I don't know. I don't either.

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The color TV trick in 1962. In Sweden, the only

00:13:46.909 --> 00:13:51.039
TV station, SVT, told viewers that they could

00:13:51.039 --> 00:13:53.759
turn their black and white TVs into color by

00:13:53.759 --> 00:13:56.960
putting nylon stockings over the screen. And

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people actually tried it. Isn't that great? Bravo.

00:14:03.059 --> 00:14:06.139
Bravo. They were bored back then, I'm telling

00:14:06.139 --> 00:14:10.539
you. I know. It makes some of the pranks I did

00:14:10.539 --> 00:14:13.080
look really kind of mundane. I'm like, damn,

00:14:13.139 --> 00:14:16.159
you know. You know, babble snatch and all that

00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:19.210
stuff. I don't know now. The MTV prank at the

00:14:19.210 --> 00:14:22.470
mall, the Bluetooth prank, all that. This stuff

00:14:22.470 --> 00:14:25.570
is kind of, yeah. Other people do it too, I guess.

00:14:26.429 --> 00:14:30.029
Google Maps treasure mode in 2013, and I do remember

00:14:30.029 --> 00:14:33.250
this very well. Google turned Google Maps into

00:14:33.250 --> 00:14:36.590
a pirate treasure map interface, completing with

00:14:36.590 --> 00:14:41.129
hidden loot. But all it was was a digital prank.

00:14:41.190 --> 00:14:43.940
There was no hidden loot. And it was a joke.

00:14:43.940 --> 00:14:46.039
And it happened on April 1st. I remember that

00:14:46.039 --> 00:14:49.200
because people are going nuts on it. Yeah, so.

00:14:49.840 --> 00:14:53.379
And finally, bonus YouTube shutdown in 2013.

00:14:54.500 --> 00:14:57.120
All right. YouTube announced it would shut down

00:14:57.120 --> 00:15:00.220
to pick the best video ever, claiming the site

00:15:00.220 --> 00:15:03.259
had just been a contest, including fake interviews

00:15:03.259 --> 00:15:08.659
and a winner reveal timeline. So people, I remember

00:15:08.659 --> 00:15:10.320
that too. People were thinking that YouTube.

00:15:11.070 --> 00:15:13.409
was just a big gimmick, and it was getting ready

00:15:13.409 --> 00:15:16.470
to shut down, and it was, you know, doing this

00:15:16.470 --> 00:15:20.990
prank, this viral contest instead, which was

00:15:20.990 --> 00:15:25.490
not true. And so, while we're talking about stuff

00:15:25.490 --> 00:15:27.509
that's not true, now I'm going to tell you something

00:15:27.509 --> 00:15:31.269
that is true. Rob, have you ever heard about

00:15:31.269 --> 00:15:39.279
Sharpie Lip? No. It's a new viral... okay well

00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:42.220
i i don't think i've heard of it either but if

00:15:42.220 --> 00:15:44.460
i did it wasn't memorable enough to stick in

00:15:44.460 --> 00:15:50.379
my mind right so okay um so in the wait there's

00:15:50.379 --> 00:15:53.740
more file sharpie lip is a new viral deal you

00:15:53.740 --> 00:15:55.899
might have guessed the rocket scientists are

00:15:55.899 --> 00:16:00.980
outlining their lips with a sharpie yes well

00:16:01.659 --> 00:16:04.080
eventually there's quite a few toxins in the

00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:06.799
sharpie ink and could even lead to poisoning

00:16:06.799 --> 00:16:12.559
and possible blindness rob so well yeah so people

00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:15.600
are coloring their lip for this viral bullshit

00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:19.840
and thinking it's cool and it can make them very

00:16:19.840 --> 00:16:25.240
sick and it could also make them blind so so

00:16:25.240 --> 00:16:27.779
hey um You know what? You know what, Rob? Here's

00:16:27.779 --> 00:16:30.019
what we need to do. Let's go to Home Depot, buy

00:16:30.019 --> 00:16:31.820
some crooked boards, because you can't really

00:16:31.820 --> 00:16:34.759
find any straight ones anymore, and build these

00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:40.299
poor bored kids a fucking ramp. I need to. Yeah.

00:16:40.299 --> 00:16:44.019
I mean, you know, or a fort. It is time for us

00:16:44.019 --> 00:16:46.240
to do some charity work. Yes, it is. Or a tree

00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:49.299
house. They really need a hobby besides drawing

00:16:49.299 --> 00:16:55.279
on their lips. Agreed? Yes. Yes. Yeah. So. Hey.

00:16:55.820 --> 00:16:58.700
Hey, we buy a couple lawn mowers. Mowing season's

00:16:58.700 --> 00:17:01.340
coming up. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right. You

00:17:01.340 --> 00:17:03.500
know what? We'll, like, show them the first time.

00:17:03.539 --> 00:17:05.920
We'll go, all right, come here. This is the handle.

00:17:06.039 --> 00:17:08.579
Okay. This is how you start it. You pull this.

00:17:08.839 --> 00:17:10.940
Make sure it's got gas. Make sure it's got oil.

00:17:11.140 --> 00:17:15.059
Okay. Now, when you do this and you clamp down

00:17:15.059 --> 00:17:18.440
on this bar here, it's going to engage the throttle.

00:17:18.680 --> 00:17:20.680
And then that's when you're going to have your

00:17:20.680 --> 00:17:25.059
grass get shorter magically. But it won't get

00:17:25.059 --> 00:17:27.720
shorter until you run over that particular patch.

00:17:28.299 --> 00:17:31.259
Think that'll work? And send them around the

00:17:31.259 --> 00:17:33.319
neighborhood and make money on them little bastards.

00:17:33.599 --> 00:17:36.539
Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah, we'll be drinking Bush

00:17:36.539 --> 00:17:39.200
Lights, Yin Lings, and scratching our nuts in

00:17:39.200 --> 00:17:42.079
boxers. That sound good? Yeah. Hell yeah. That's

00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:47.059
awesome. Yeah, that's when you know you have

00:17:47.059 --> 00:17:49.079
it made, right, Rob? When you can sit around

00:17:49.079 --> 00:17:50.259
on your porch. That's when you know you're a

00:17:50.259 --> 00:17:53.579
true parent. Yes. You're scratching your nuts.

00:17:54.079 --> 00:17:58.660
on your favorite chair, on your porch. And we

00:17:58.660 --> 00:18:03.359
have plenty of friends. Yes, we do. Yep. I'll

00:18:03.359 --> 00:18:05.079
tell you what, though. The talk is cheap studio

00:18:05.079 --> 00:18:08.039
here. I got this recliner in here now, and it

00:18:08.039 --> 00:18:12.059
is a godsend. Oh, man. Because my microphone

00:18:12.059 --> 00:18:15.680
stand will reach about anywhere around here.

00:18:15.900 --> 00:18:18.500
So right now, I'm propped back with my legs up

00:18:18.500 --> 00:18:21.700
doing this podcast. It's very cool. I was...

00:18:21.980 --> 00:18:24.339
Concerned about at first, you know, the energy

00:18:24.339 --> 00:18:26.480
level, you know, because if you're laid back,

00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:30.480
you kind of feel like, yeah, this is two douchebags,

00:18:30.640 --> 00:18:33.799
a microphone, and I'm Mark. It hasn't happened

00:18:33.799 --> 00:18:36.559
to me. Actually, I think I have more energy being

00:18:36.559 --> 00:18:43.380
relaxed. Okay, well, my chair requires two. Oh,

00:18:43.380 --> 00:18:46.440
okay. As you know, I just literally sat down.

00:18:47.259 --> 00:18:51.019
So you would hear me snoring if I took this thing

00:18:51.019 --> 00:18:54.559
back. So, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of what...

00:18:54.559 --> 00:18:59.440
My mind stays in upright. Yes, yep. No, whenever

00:18:59.440 --> 00:19:02.240
my back hurts, I come in here and sleep in the

00:19:02.240 --> 00:19:06.240
recliner. It's closer to my desk so I can see

00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:10.650
my notebook. Good idea. Well, I got all my notes

00:19:10.650 --> 00:19:13.029
in my lap here. It's pretty cool. I'll have to

00:19:13.029 --> 00:19:14.769
send you a picture of the setup, and maybe I'll

00:19:14.769 --> 00:19:17.269
put it up on the website, too, or the Facebook

00:19:17.269 --> 00:19:21.970
page. All right. So, finally here, and then we'll

00:19:21.970 --> 00:19:24.890
get to you, is you ever wake up with dry, itchy

00:19:24.890 --> 00:19:30.900
eyes, Rob? I did this morning. Okay, well, I

00:19:30.900 --> 00:19:33.400
used to think it was allergies, and some of it

00:19:33.400 --> 00:19:35.980
may be, to be all fair. Okay, to be fair, some

00:19:35.980 --> 00:19:38.779
of it could be allergies, but now that's... It

00:19:38.779 --> 00:19:40.839
was pouring down rain. I don't see how it was

00:19:40.839 --> 00:19:44.059
allergies. Okay, good point. Yeah, it was pouring

00:19:44.059 --> 00:19:45.720
up here, too, and we're getting ready to get

00:19:45.720 --> 00:19:49.279
some more rain here pretty soon, also. There's

00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:51.539
some storms moving in. We had a good one move

00:19:51.539 --> 00:19:53.640
through the wall, though. Oh, did you have a

00:19:53.640 --> 00:20:04.400
pretty stout one? It was over, it blew through

00:20:04.400 --> 00:20:09.019
in about three minutes. I was actually at Nicomo's.

00:20:09.700 --> 00:20:13.819
It was not raining when I walked in. I walk up

00:20:13.819 --> 00:20:17.000
to the cashier. I go get my stuff. I'm in there

00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:20.619
maybe three to five minutes. I get to the cashier

00:20:20.619 --> 00:20:25.460
and it's just pouring out there. And as I get

00:20:25.460 --> 00:20:28.160
done paying, I walk out. It's starting to slack

00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:33.259
off. Yeah, it's been off and on. It's supposed

00:20:33.259 --> 00:20:35.779
to be like that all week. It is. It is supposed

00:20:35.779 --> 00:20:40.420
to be like that all week. And you know what?

00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:43.140
I mean, it's like to where we really do have

00:20:43.140 --> 00:20:46.960
to get the rain in now because I do believe it's

00:20:46.960 --> 00:20:49.140
going to be a hot, dry summer, kind of showing

00:20:49.140 --> 00:20:53.160
every indication around here so far. Well, you

00:20:53.160 --> 00:20:56.690
got people getting it. That's the other thing,

00:20:56.789 --> 00:20:59.789
too. Yeah. I mean, it's got to rain. Which we

00:20:59.789 --> 00:21:03.390
are working on. It's got to rain, but it can't

00:21:03.390 --> 00:21:05.710
rain too much at once because then you can't

00:21:05.710 --> 00:21:10.289
work the ground properly. So, anyhow. Well, I'm

00:21:10.289 --> 00:21:14.950
building planting boxes, like four -by -four

00:21:14.950 --> 00:21:18.789
shipping boxes that I mount on pallets. Oh, okay.

00:21:18.869 --> 00:21:21.470
That's what I do, too. And I'll wrap it in plastic.

00:21:29.549 --> 00:21:33.289
No, that's what I do also, Rob. I do that too.

00:21:33.329 --> 00:21:36.289
I got planters, above ground planters. And that

00:21:36.289 --> 00:21:38.450
is the best way to do it because, like you said,

00:21:38.509 --> 00:21:41.309
it doesn't flood. And also another thing is I

00:21:41.309 --> 00:21:44.869
put in horse manure. We have a horse farm next

00:21:44.869 --> 00:21:48.490
to us. But I know you know this, Rob, but a lot

00:21:48.490 --> 00:21:51.450
of people probably don't. You can't put in brand

00:21:51.450 --> 00:21:55.049
new horse manure. It has too much nitrogen in

00:21:55.049 --> 00:21:57.789
it, and it will burn up whatever you try to grow.

00:21:58.410 --> 00:22:01.490
Exactly. You want the old stuff. Yeah, you want

00:22:01.490 --> 00:22:03.849
to let it be at least two years old to where

00:22:03.849 --> 00:22:06.410
it's kind of ground, kind of manure, and that

00:22:06.410 --> 00:22:09.750
manure works better than any type of fertilizer

00:22:09.750 --> 00:22:13.470
you could ever buy anywhere. So trust me on this,

00:22:13.549 --> 00:22:15.950
but you've got to make sure it is old manure.

00:22:16.230 --> 00:22:18.589
If you use new stuff, the nitrogen will burn

00:22:18.589 --> 00:22:21.930
it up. Do what now? No, go ahead. Finish what

00:22:21.930 --> 00:22:23.670
you're saying. Oh, no, that's all I was saying

00:22:23.670 --> 00:22:26.670
is the nitrogen will burn it up. I was just going

00:22:26.670 --> 00:22:30.769
to back you up on that. Oh, okay. Princess is

00:22:30.769 --> 00:22:34.690
a certified herbologist. Oh, really? I didn't

00:22:34.690 --> 00:22:38.069
know that. Yeah. Okay. Yes. I told you about

00:22:38.069 --> 00:22:40.990
her starting this new company. Uh -huh. Yeah,

00:22:41.089 --> 00:22:44.950
I remember. She's good. Yeah. That's one of the

00:22:44.950 --> 00:22:47.930
planning boxes. She's growing her own stuff.

00:22:48.069 --> 00:22:50.230
She's going to make her own stuff and sell it.

00:22:50.990 --> 00:22:55.730
Okay. And it's going to be anything from body

00:22:55.730 --> 00:22:58.789
creams. Everything's going to be all natural.

00:22:59.289 --> 00:23:03.230
No chemicals. That is a great idea. That's going

00:23:03.230 --> 00:23:07.849
to go over well, dude. Dad and, you know, rocks

00:23:07.849 --> 00:23:13.150
and crystals and my cousins, he just retired

00:23:13.150 --> 00:23:18.210
and he's starting up a woodworking shop. So he's

00:23:18.210 --> 00:23:20.809
going to build some stuff and throw it in for

00:23:20.809 --> 00:23:24.869
sale. And we're just going to make a family business

00:23:24.869 --> 00:23:30.289
out of it. That's a great idea. Rob, keep talking.

00:23:30.309 --> 00:23:32.690
My dog opened up my door, and I've got to close

00:23:32.690 --> 00:23:34.730
it because there's some noise coming in. So hang

00:23:34.730 --> 00:23:41.210
on. Oopsie. I don't know what to say. Yeah. Okay.

00:23:41.210 --> 00:23:44.690
All right. It's going to be a pretty nice thing

00:23:44.690 --> 00:23:49.369
if we keep it going. We have a lot of the inventory

00:23:49.369 --> 00:23:52.609
already. Okay. We're going to keep going. So

00:23:52.609 --> 00:23:55.930
we're just hoping we can catch it early enough

00:23:55.930 --> 00:23:59.700
this year. We've got to wait until... Mm -hmm.

00:23:59.740 --> 00:24:05.160
Got it. Okay. Oh, okay. Back to itchy dry eyes.

00:24:05.980 --> 00:24:08.200
Now the experts are saying this could be due

00:24:08.200 --> 00:24:12.519
to eyebrow mites. Almost everyone has them. The

00:24:12.519 --> 00:24:15.359
chemical they extrude to mate is the main culprit.

00:24:15.559 --> 00:24:18.180
So bugs banging is why we're miserable sometimes,

00:24:18.420 --> 00:24:26.259
Rob. Okay. Well, I figured mine was steel dust.

00:24:26.779 --> 00:24:30.279
Oh. A lot of it is steel dust. Yes, Rob. Yep.

00:24:30.619 --> 00:24:33.160
Because I used to work around steel dust frequently.

00:24:33.299 --> 00:24:34.380
Honestly, I wake up in the morning, I've got

00:24:34.380 --> 00:24:38.480
to clean out my eyes. I do. Yeah. Yep. Of all

00:24:38.480 --> 00:24:44.440
the dust in the shop. Yeah. Mm -hmm. No, no,

00:24:44.480 --> 00:24:46.960
no. And that's horrible on your eyes, too. It's

00:24:46.960 --> 00:24:49.140
really hard to get out, and it scratches them.

00:24:49.259 --> 00:24:58.279
It scratches your cornea. Oh, I know. That is

00:24:58.279 --> 00:25:02.200
common with sheet metal. And it's from all the

00:25:02.200 --> 00:25:07.240
scars from the stuff bouncing off of it. Yep.

00:25:08.019 --> 00:25:13.819
But I did go and the company got me some different

00:25:13.819 --> 00:25:16.599
safety glasses that I like a lot better that

00:25:16.599 --> 00:25:20.619
fit tighter. Because it was like I'd watch a

00:25:20.619 --> 00:25:23.880
piece come off the saw and I would watch it come

00:25:23.880 --> 00:25:28.309
at my eye. I'm like, oh. I got my safety glasses.

00:25:28.329 --> 00:25:30.930
Hell no, that thing bounced right off my eyeball.

00:25:31.630 --> 00:25:36.109
Yeah. I watched it shoot at me. How did it do

00:25:36.109 --> 00:25:39.730
that? Well, there's ways. No, no, no. They can

00:25:39.730 --> 00:25:42.369
get in there. It's so weird. You have to really

00:25:42.369 --> 00:25:45.349
wear tight goggles if you really don't want it

00:25:45.349 --> 00:25:48.029
to get in. And it still gets in some. It's just

00:25:48.029 --> 00:25:51.750
impossible. A face shield does just so much also.

00:25:52.700 --> 00:25:55.440
And also, if you wear that stuff on top of each

00:25:55.440 --> 00:25:58.220
other, it fogs up too much when you sweat, and

00:25:58.220 --> 00:26:03.000
you can't see anyhow. Well, we went with a tighter

00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:09.079
safety glass, and yeah, they work a lot better.

00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:12.420
Yeah. And they're only like 50 cents more a pair.

00:26:12.819 --> 00:26:18.000
That's what you want to go with. So, okay. Because

00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:22.099
I've had two workman's comp cases over steel.

00:26:23.400 --> 00:26:26.660
That's the most common in steel shops. That's

00:26:26.660 --> 00:26:32.359
the most common are eye injuries. Okay, so the

00:26:32.359 --> 00:26:34.539
bugs bang and that's why we're miserable sometimes.

00:26:35.019 --> 00:26:37.180
So little bastards, I need to get a room because

00:26:37.180 --> 00:26:40.000
my eyes constantly fucking itch. Always thought

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:42.400
it was allergies. Some of it may be allergies,

00:26:42.480 --> 00:26:47.549
but it really is annoying. you know, they crust

00:26:47.549 --> 00:26:50.049
over and they itch and you wake up and they itch

00:26:50.049 --> 00:26:52.890
really bad. And then you start like rubbing them

00:26:52.890 --> 00:26:55.910
and then it just makes your eyes puffy. And it's

00:26:55.910 --> 00:26:59.430
just, so I am going to go to my eye doctor and

00:26:59.430 --> 00:27:02.240
I'm going to. As for this new medicine, this

00:27:02.240 --> 00:27:04.079
isn't in the article, but I know this because

00:27:04.079 --> 00:27:06.460
I researched it. There's this new medicine coming

00:27:06.460 --> 00:27:10.119
out that will kill those little eyebrow mites

00:27:10.119 --> 00:27:14.200
or eyelash mites, and you won't hopefully have

00:27:14.200 --> 00:27:17.660
nearly as bad of problems as you used to. So

00:27:17.660 --> 00:27:20.000
I'll let everybody know when I have this done.

00:27:20.500 --> 00:27:23.359
So that being said, Rob, let's turn this over

00:27:23.359 --> 00:27:25.019
to you. I know you have some stuff you want to

00:27:25.019 --> 00:27:36.589
talk about. A woman who claims she was romantically

00:27:36.589 --> 00:27:40.849
involved with a quadruple amputee cornhole champion

00:27:40.849 --> 00:27:45.670
and the man he is accused of shooting dead in

00:27:45.670 --> 00:27:49.089
a murder case grabbing national attention has

00:27:49.089 --> 00:27:52.769
spoken of dating both of them and said the accused

00:27:52.769 --> 00:28:20.349
killer had a dark side. cornhole champion. Okay.

00:28:49.839 --> 00:28:52.420
knees and limbs and nearly dying from a bacterial

00:28:52.420 --> 00:28:57.960
infection in his infancy, taken in 2024 that

00:28:57.960 --> 00:29:02.599
purports to show him shouting at her as he demands

00:29:02.599 --> 00:29:07.180
to leave his property. In brief comments to TMZ,

00:29:07.359 --> 00:29:12.640
Mattingly allegedly alleged Weber had an angry

00:29:12.640 --> 00:29:16.000
dark side and that she was not surprised about

00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:21.980
the murder charged against him. Okay. Sounds

00:29:21.980 --> 00:29:28.900
incriminating to me. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's all

00:29:28.900 --> 00:29:31.420
I'm going to read on the story because it keeps

00:29:31.420 --> 00:29:34.599
going. It goes in the comments. Okay. Oh, yeah,

00:29:34.619 --> 00:29:36.180
yeah, I know what you mean. Everyone's got to

00:29:36.180 --> 00:29:39.720
get in there. It goes in the details, yeah. Anyway,

00:29:42.519 --> 00:29:46.240
it goes in describing how to play formal. Okay.

00:29:46.299 --> 00:30:05.609
That type of story. That's funny you said that,

00:30:05.630 --> 00:30:07.150
because that's the first thing I thought, and

00:30:07.150 --> 00:30:09.069
I thought it was going to be covered in the article,

00:30:09.150 --> 00:30:14.029
but I guess not. Well, no, I guess he ended up

00:30:14.029 --> 00:30:19.369
coming up to the car, but still, shooting him

00:30:19.369 --> 00:30:25.130
in her car. Did he do it with his mouth? I don't

00:30:25.130 --> 00:30:29.049
know. Come on, dude. Are you that much of a pussy?

00:30:30.699 --> 00:30:33.140
Well, I guess you're not around. We can't ask

00:30:33.140 --> 00:30:37.140
no more. Nope. We can't ask anymore. Nope. It

00:30:37.140 --> 00:30:39.160
had to have been a surprise attack. You see that

00:30:39.160 --> 00:30:41.059
little fucker coming up to you with no limbs.

00:30:41.400 --> 00:30:45.500
You'd have to know. Anyhow. Okay. Good. Wow.

00:30:45.640 --> 00:30:48.099
All right. He had to have all four prosthetics

00:30:48.099 --> 00:30:51.359
or something. I guess. Oh, no. He was in a wheelchair.

00:30:51.480 --> 00:30:54.940
He looked at his hand up above the window. I

00:30:54.940 --> 00:30:57.559
heard him. Oh, okay. That's what it was. Okay.

00:30:57.599 --> 00:31:00.710
He caught him by surprise then. Yeah, that's

00:31:00.710 --> 00:31:03.349
true. Okay. All right. Well, thank you, Rob.

00:31:03.430 --> 00:31:06.750
Let's take our first break, and then we're going

00:31:06.750 --> 00:31:09.009
to come back with a few emails. We don't have

00:31:09.009 --> 00:31:11.630
a whole lot. We covered a lot on that last one.

00:31:12.329 --> 00:31:14.930
Yeah, we did. Yeah, we have like, I don't know,

00:31:14.970 --> 00:31:17.690
four or five. So we'll get to them. All right.

00:31:17.829 --> 00:31:22.910
We'll be right back. Hey, all you ginger snaps.

00:31:23.190 --> 00:31:25.750
It's time for the douchebag question of the week.

00:31:26.029 --> 00:31:31.630
Turn all answers into two douches. Spell out

00:31:31.630 --> 00:31:35.630
the number two. Send in your replies or Rob will

00:31:35.630 --> 00:31:39.630
find you. He is waiting for the word. Don't be

00:31:39.630 --> 00:31:45.250
bashful. You'll get yourself hurt. What if you

00:31:45.250 --> 00:31:49.009
uncovered and decoded a final warning from superior

00:31:49.009 --> 00:31:53.410
beings from outer space? Would you warn the people

00:31:53.410 --> 00:31:55.849
of their soon -to -be demise? Or would people

00:31:55.849 --> 00:31:59.019
be way too irresponsible? and would go crazy,

00:31:59.099 --> 00:32:04.240
and preventing you from coming forth. Origin

00:32:04.240 --> 00:32:08.200
of April Fools. Religious holdouts in the 16th

00:32:08.200 --> 00:32:10.720
century refused to celebrate the re -established

00:32:10.720 --> 00:32:14.400
New Year's date on January 1st, preferent the

00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:17.700
end of the Holy Week in April, making them April

00:32:17.700 --> 00:32:22.900
Fools. Hey there. We all have those annoying

00:32:22.900 --> 00:32:26.410
co -workers that do nothing. There's nothing

00:32:26.410 --> 00:32:28.750
we can do about it because HR departments are

00:32:28.750 --> 00:32:31.769
running scared of lawyers. So we have to work

00:32:31.769 --> 00:32:34.930
with these workless pieces of garbage. But we

00:32:34.930 --> 00:32:37.309
have to communicate about them without them knowing

00:32:37.309 --> 00:32:40.130
about it. Here at Two Douchebags Microphone,

00:32:40.170 --> 00:32:42.170
we developed a way that you can speak about them

00:32:42.170 --> 00:32:44.430
right in front of them without them knowing about

00:32:44.430 --> 00:32:48.750
it. Stay tuned. First code name, Absolute Zero.

00:32:48.849 --> 00:32:51.210
They contribute nothing and effectively stop

00:32:51.210 --> 00:32:55.089
all molecular motion in the project. Dark matter.

00:32:55.680 --> 00:32:58.240
You know they're there, they take up space, but

00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:00.220
they provide no light and cannot be observed

00:33:00.220 --> 00:33:04.819
during actual work. Static. High noise, zero

00:33:04.819 --> 00:33:09.480
signal, stays in one place. Event horizon. Once

00:33:09.480 --> 00:33:12.339
a task enters their orbit, it is never seen again.

00:33:12.819 --> 00:33:16.240
How about buffer? They take 20 minutes to process

00:33:16.240 --> 00:33:21.640
a 5 second request. The screensaver. Looks like

00:33:21.640 --> 00:33:23.440
they're working, but as soon as you touch them,

00:33:23.579 --> 00:33:27.740
they disappear. Cloud mode. Just floating around

00:33:27.740 --> 00:33:30.119
vague and nobody knows what they actually do.

00:33:30.299 --> 00:33:35.200
And finally, 404. Task not found. Stay tuned

00:33:35.200 --> 00:33:38.900
for more of these gems. Our constant pursuit

00:33:38.900 --> 00:33:42.640
for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults

00:33:42.640 --> 00:33:47.380
from an alien. Real hilarity. If you were a spice,

00:33:47.680 --> 00:33:53.279
you would be flour. Hey peeps, it's time for

00:33:53.279 --> 00:33:56.720
the police blotter. That's right stories about

00:33:56.720 --> 00:34:00.859
stupid criminals and the dumbassness that ensued.

00:34:01.160 --> 00:34:06.619
Let us begin now. During a routine traffic stop,

00:34:06.859 --> 00:34:11.420
Ohio officer Sergeant John Allen found a bag

00:34:11.420 --> 00:34:15.079
of illegal narcotics. He was about to let 29

00:34:15.079 --> 00:34:18.659
-year -old Sean, total of Columbus, go when he

00:34:18.659 --> 00:34:21.300
spotted laying in the passenger seat a clear

00:34:21.300 --> 00:34:31.980
baggy labeled bag of drugs. Oh Lord, that man

00:34:31.980 --> 00:34:35.440
just sawed a puppy in half. Hey there, don't

00:34:35.440 --> 00:34:43.900
worry, I have a clown nose. Oh no, that drunk

00:34:43.900 --> 00:34:48.960
guy just hit my child. It is okay, I have a clown

00:34:48.960 --> 00:35:03.079
nose. Clown doses are sold at gag stores online

00:35:03.079 --> 00:35:04.739
and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and

00:35:04.739 --> 00:35:08.480
make magic happen. Hey there, fuckstick. You're

00:35:08.480 --> 00:35:10.699
just in time for brand new feature news nobody

00:35:10.699 --> 00:35:14.179
gives a shit about. A man in Manitoba, Canada

00:35:14.179 --> 00:35:24.239
collects rat traps. He now has 3 ,421. Your mama's

00:35:24.239 --> 00:35:27.960
so fat, she makes Godzilla look like an etching

00:35:27.960 --> 00:35:36.889
figure. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm,

00:35:37.110 --> 00:35:40.289
let's see. If I identify as a dog, and I start

00:35:40.289 --> 00:35:42.170
wandering around the block without a collar on,

00:35:42.329 --> 00:35:44.630
could Animal Control come by and pick me up?

00:35:45.469 --> 00:36:02.139
Hmm, I may never know. Ah! Two douchebags and

00:36:02.139 --> 00:36:04.860
microphone. I am Mark here in the Kansas City

00:36:04.860 --> 00:36:13.059
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob

00:36:13.059 --> 00:36:16.400
in Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent

00:36:16.400 --> 00:36:19.659
Lucas Oil Speedway and water track, and also

00:36:19.659 --> 00:36:22.320
home of Hickam Oak Country Store, where you can

00:36:22.320 --> 00:36:25.019
find all your needs, including a selfie with

00:36:25.019 --> 00:36:28.559
the green St. Clair dinosaur in the Duck Blind

00:36:28.559 --> 00:36:31.949
studio. All right, you ready for some emails,

00:36:32.130 --> 00:36:35.949
Rob? Oh, you know I love them. They're the best

00:36:35.949 --> 00:36:38.289
part. Everyone lets us know that, too, so thank

00:36:38.289 --> 00:36:41.469
you. Thanks for emailing us and letting us know

00:36:41.469 --> 00:36:44.510
that you're the best. We appreciate that. So,

00:36:44.510 --> 00:36:47.329
all right, hey, douchebags, what is the production

00:36:47.329 --> 00:36:50.070
equipment used on your podcast? I'm just curious.

00:36:50.489 --> 00:36:55.610
Roger in St. Louis County. audacity audio tonic

00:36:55.610 --> 00:36:58.550
i have to use audio tonic because i have a window

00:36:58.550 --> 00:37:02.150
based um i think 10 and 11 windows 10 and 11

00:37:02.150 --> 00:37:05.769
you have to have audio tonic it was rebuilt uh

00:37:05.769 --> 00:37:08.590
from audacity to handle it there was too many

00:37:08.590 --> 00:37:12.590
bugs before so mine is audacity but it's called

00:37:12.590 --> 00:37:17.030
audio tonic because of the type of browser that

00:37:17.030 --> 00:37:21.130
i use and and the system that i use the operating

00:37:21.130 --> 00:37:23.650
system not browser but the operating system that

00:37:23.650 --> 00:37:26.809
i use is only compatible with audiotonic which

00:37:26.809 --> 00:37:30.170
is audacity but it's just built for that and

00:37:30.170 --> 00:37:34.969
if you have any questions at all there are literally

00:37:35.740 --> 00:37:39.579
hundreds of videos on YouTube about how to operate

00:37:39.579 --> 00:37:43.280
and how to master this. The beautiful thing about

00:37:43.280 --> 00:37:47.400
this program is it is easy to manipulate and

00:37:47.400 --> 00:37:49.719
do what you need to do. Whether it's big booming

00:37:49.719 --> 00:37:54.260
voice, to little squeaky mouse, to long form

00:37:54.260 --> 00:37:57.420
podcasts, to small little commercials, to bits,

00:37:57.460 --> 00:38:00.340
to parodies. This is a perfect program for everything.

00:38:00.460 --> 00:38:02.519
And you don't have to pay for it either. You

00:38:02.519 --> 00:38:05.380
can get the free version, which works fine. you

00:38:05.380 --> 00:38:08.659
want to really um subscribe and get a lot more

00:38:08.659 --> 00:38:11.280
features you can do that too it's really good

00:38:11.280 --> 00:38:14.219
and i really recommend the audacity products

00:38:14.219 --> 00:38:19.059
so uh roger thank you okay the three of you all

00:38:19.059 --> 00:38:22.139
on one show was pretty damn entertaining i love

00:38:22.139 --> 00:38:25.619
it terry in columbia i i guess missouri it could

00:38:25.619 --> 00:38:30.260
be south carolina or somewhere else but um we've

00:38:30.260 --> 00:38:34.510
been hearing this a lot and um And the people

00:38:34.510 --> 00:38:36.170
have been complimenting. Don't get me wrong.

00:38:36.309 --> 00:38:39.250
We love it. But you only want to hear so much

00:38:39.250 --> 00:38:41.989
of that. But this is a really slow email day.

00:38:42.150 --> 00:38:46.150
We used them all up Sunday night. So, Terry,

00:38:46.369 --> 00:38:48.369
thank you very much. We appreciate it. We plan

00:38:48.369 --> 00:38:53.170
on keeping the douchebag gangbang going for a

00:38:53.170 --> 00:38:56.230
long time. That is pretty much our anchor show

00:38:56.230 --> 00:38:59.170
because that thing is just better than everything

00:38:59.170 --> 00:39:06.230
else. Right? Yeah, all three of them. Yeah, and

00:39:06.230 --> 00:39:09.150
we got some sponsors that we're going to announce.

00:39:09.230 --> 00:39:11.250
Well, one I announced today at the Rock Island

00:39:11.250 --> 00:39:14.309
Railroad Bridge, a new entertainment district

00:39:14.309 --> 00:39:17.250
here in Kansas City. We podcasted from it. We

00:39:17.250 --> 00:39:19.510
were the very first podcast. It opened today.

00:39:19.690 --> 00:39:22.150
It was the very first day. We went there, and

00:39:22.150 --> 00:39:24.409
everybody treated us like royalty, and they want

00:39:24.409 --> 00:39:29.969
us to come back. But today I announced that we

00:39:29.969 --> 00:39:33.730
are sponsored by All Star. pest solutions joe

00:39:33.730 --> 00:39:37.269
kuzik owns it a very good man known a long time

00:39:37.269 --> 00:39:41.349
he uh he knows his bugs so you will be hearing

00:39:41.349 --> 00:39:43.570
this commercial and you will also be hearing

00:39:43.570 --> 00:39:47.030
joe on this show talking about what you need

00:39:47.030 --> 00:39:50.250
to look for as in pests and what you need to

00:39:50.250 --> 00:39:53.369
do about it so um anyhow then we have another

00:39:53.369 --> 00:39:55.630
sponsor i can't talk about it yet i got to get

00:39:55.630 --> 00:40:01.769
with her um about it so things are Things are

00:40:01.769 --> 00:40:04.469
pretty good here in douchebag land, so. Well,

00:40:04.530 --> 00:40:08.550
actually, I have a list of people I'm going to

00:40:08.550 --> 00:40:14.269
look into, too. Okay. You know, in my life, we'll

00:40:14.269 --> 00:40:16.650
put it that way, you know what I mean. I think

00:40:16.650 --> 00:40:18.909
you talked to me about it off of the program,

00:40:19.070 --> 00:40:27.820
maybe Sunday? yeah we have some ideas we had

00:40:27.820 --> 00:40:30.920
that little discussion about about the uh sponsors

00:40:30.920 --> 00:40:32.980
and all that at first and you talked about it

00:40:32.980 --> 00:40:36.780
a little bit yeah yeah i did okay yeah that i

00:40:36.780 --> 00:40:40.960
think that's a great idea rob so yeah okay um

00:40:40.960 --> 00:40:44.280
oh this one's for you rob how do you sharpen

00:40:44.280 --> 00:40:51.739
your field knives sully and main I think he's

00:40:51.739 --> 00:40:54.559
talking about field dressing, like if you got

00:40:54.559 --> 00:40:59.219
a dare. Field knife. Yeah, you know what I do?

00:40:59.360 --> 00:41:03.679
What do you do? I give it to my wife. Okay. She

00:41:03.679 --> 00:41:06.480
can sharpen them, huh? Does she use a stone?

00:41:08.300 --> 00:41:11.420
I don't know, but I know I can shave one when

00:41:11.420 --> 00:41:16.599
I get it back. Shit. Okay. All right, she knows

00:41:16.599 --> 00:41:19.260
what she's doing. That's for damn sure. Oh, yeah.

00:41:19.840 --> 00:41:29.039
She's one of the... Very cool. I got you. I got

00:41:29.039 --> 00:41:39.920
what you're saying. Isn't that awesome? Cool.

00:41:42.340 --> 00:41:45.599
All right. Thank you, Sully in Maine. I hope

00:41:45.599 --> 00:41:48.440
we answered your question there. The thing is,

00:41:48.440 --> 00:41:52.340
is we don't know. I use mine with, I use the

00:41:52.340 --> 00:41:54.619
stone with mine. And if you want to know what,

00:41:54.619 --> 00:41:58.079
just Google it. All that information is there.

00:41:58.219 --> 00:42:02.659
So, uh, Sully, thank you. Um, I agree. The next

00:42:02.659 --> 00:42:05.079
one. I agree with Mark. NyQuil is the cure to

00:42:05.079 --> 00:42:10.139
insomnia. Brenda in Louisiana. Okay. If you can

00:42:10.139 --> 00:42:12.500
stay awake on that, they need to study your brain.

00:42:12.519 --> 00:42:15.989
Like I said. Yeah, that stuff is a shutdown.

00:42:16.170 --> 00:42:18.809
It is a complete shutdown. As soon as you take

00:42:18.809 --> 00:42:21.530
that, it's like, okay, Mark, we'll see you a

00:42:21.530 --> 00:42:25.110
little bit later. Not sure when. And it's a cheap

00:42:25.110 --> 00:42:32.849
girl. Yes, it is. True. Did it a couple times

00:42:32.849 --> 00:42:36.150
in my younger years. Just saying. You know, there's

00:42:36.150 --> 00:42:37.889
not that much difference between Night Train

00:42:37.889 --> 00:42:43.179
and that. The taste. Yeah, Night Train. Yeah,

00:42:43.400 --> 00:42:45.679
yeah, and they're pretty close. They're pretty

00:42:45.679 --> 00:42:49.400
close. And then finally, are you guys ever going

00:42:49.400 --> 00:42:51.800
to take calls on your shows, Len Rothman? Isn't

00:42:51.800 --> 00:42:54.360
it funny how we get these? We were just talking

00:42:54.360 --> 00:42:57.440
about taking calls. Yes, we were. Before the

00:42:57.440 --> 00:43:01.179
show, we were. And I didn't even see this email

00:43:01.179 --> 00:43:04.659
right here. So I had no idea it was in there.

00:43:04.699 --> 00:43:07.380
It's just weird how as soon as we start to focus

00:43:07.380 --> 00:43:09.340
in on something, sure enough, someone sends an

00:43:09.340 --> 00:43:16.960
email. Wait, hang on. Okay. Len Rothman. Yeah,

00:43:17.079 --> 00:43:18.820
we're going to start taking calls and we're going

00:43:18.820 --> 00:43:21.179
to start letting you know how to take calls or

00:43:21.179 --> 00:43:24.090
how to call in. So there's going to have a special

00:43:24.090 --> 00:43:26.730
number, of course. So, Len, thank you very much.

00:43:26.730 --> 00:43:28.250
Thank you for your interest. Yes, it's going

00:43:28.250 --> 00:43:30.849
to happen. And we encourage you to call in. The

00:43:30.849 --> 00:43:33.289
Duke's going to call in. We have some other special

00:43:33.289 --> 00:43:38.289
prizes. One of the new sponsors, the lady sponsor,

00:43:38.590 --> 00:43:40.510
is going to be calling in, but I'm not sure when

00:43:40.510 --> 00:43:42.869
that is going to be. I tried to get her on the

00:43:42.869 --> 00:43:46.949
show today from the Rock Island Bridge, but she

00:43:46.949 --> 00:43:50.739
was busy. So hopefully we will get this in maybe

00:43:50.739 --> 00:43:53.440
Sunday night. We could get her on there for a

00:43:53.440 --> 00:43:57.420
couple of minutes. But Joe is going to be on

00:43:57.420 --> 00:44:02.000
here probably, maybe even this program, I might

00:44:02.000 --> 00:44:05.980
be able to splice it in. So anyhow. All right,

00:44:06.059 --> 00:44:11.300
so Rob, you got something? Well, Mark, you know

00:44:11.300 --> 00:44:15.420
what time it is. Is it bag of garbage? Ah, yes.

00:44:15.840 --> 00:44:19.710
It's always after... Yes, it is, and it makes

00:44:19.710 --> 00:44:24.889
me happy. It's time for Rob's Bag of Garbage.

00:44:24.949 --> 00:44:27.510
The greatest segment ever in the history of anything.

00:44:28.630 --> 00:44:32.409
Which, honestly, sometimes it's not so much garbage.

00:44:33.070 --> 00:44:40.530
I love it myself. It's my favorite segment. Okay,

00:44:40.550 --> 00:44:46.269
in June of 2022, in a village in Odisha, India,

00:44:47.070 --> 00:44:50.610
A wild elephant trampled a 70 -year -old woman

00:44:50.610 --> 00:44:57.070
named Maya Maru to death while she was getting

00:44:57.070 --> 00:45:01.170
water from a tube well. She died in the hospital.

00:45:03.090 --> 00:45:06.829
That same evening, during her funeral, the elephant

00:45:06.829 --> 00:45:12.449
came back, pulled her body off the tire, trampled

00:45:12.449 --> 00:45:37.800
it again, and ran off. Wow. And they came back

00:45:37.800 --> 00:45:49.260
and... Well, they don't embalm them. You know,

00:45:51.139 --> 00:45:52.920
there's a lot of countries that don't believe

00:45:52.920 --> 00:45:59.480
in embalming, you know, or don't have the materials

00:45:59.480 --> 00:46:06.860
and all that. So, okay. That's what I want to

00:46:06.860 --> 00:46:09.179
know, too. I mean, did it remind her? I don't

00:46:09.179 --> 00:46:16.960
know. I'd prefer to crank. Yeah. Yeah, I mean,

00:46:16.960 --> 00:46:18.699
but what could you do to an elephant to make

00:46:18.699 --> 00:46:21.639
him not only kill you, but to come back and try

00:46:21.639 --> 00:46:26.940
to kill you again? Yeah. I mean, that's mad.

00:46:27.480 --> 00:46:30.039
Like I told the guy before, I said, if murder

00:46:30.039 --> 00:46:32.320
was legal, I would kill you and I would bring

00:46:32.320 --> 00:46:34.659
you back to life five times just so I could get

00:46:34.659 --> 00:46:39.519
the thrill of killing you again. Yes. So. Of

00:46:39.519 --> 00:46:41.619
course, I would never do that. That's a joke.

00:46:41.639 --> 00:46:44.099
And I think most people know that. So, you know,

00:46:44.139 --> 00:46:48.739
anyone's like, no, it's a joke. But it gets the

00:46:48.739 --> 00:46:53.139
point across, right? Always. Yep. Anyhow, go

00:46:53.139 --> 00:46:57.380
ahead. Let's go in for one more. I think that

00:46:57.380 --> 00:47:00.679
sounds like an excellent idea, Rob. Oh, damn.

00:47:00.800 --> 00:47:04.320
Tell that back here. Yeah, that's not. No, that's

00:47:04.320 --> 00:47:08.440
actual trash. Okay, there you go. It is a bag

00:47:08.440 --> 00:47:21.599
of garbage. No, seriously, it is. Okay. In 1724,

00:47:21.820 --> 00:47:29.739
for some reason, this is on death. Okay. In 1724,

00:47:30.079 --> 00:47:35.579
Maggie Dickinson, Dixon, Maggie Dixon, in case

00:47:35.579 --> 00:47:38.769
anybody wants to look it up. The fishwife for

00:47:38.769 --> 00:47:45.730
Musselberg was hanged in Edinburgh's grass market

00:47:45.730 --> 00:47:48.489
after being convicted under the Concealment of

00:47:48.489 --> 00:47:53.929
Pregnancy Act. She was pronounced dead, placed

00:47:53.929 --> 00:47:59.170
in a coffin, and the court set off for her burial

00:47:59.170 --> 00:48:05.900
at Musselberg. So she was sentenced to death.

00:48:05.940 --> 00:48:10.380
She was hanged. And she got sent off to be buried.

00:48:11.340 --> 00:48:16.860
Wow. You with me here? Yes, I am. Go ahead. But

00:48:16.860 --> 00:48:24.079
wait. There's more. On the way, the coffin began

00:48:24.079 --> 00:48:28.579
banging. When the lid was open, Aggie was alive.

00:48:29.679 --> 00:48:33.780
Under Scott's law. Her sins had already been

00:48:33.780 --> 00:48:37.119
carried out, so she could not be hanged again.

00:48:37.900 --> 00:48:41.980
She lived another 40 years. She became a local

00:48:41.980 --> 00:48:47.179
celebrity known as Half -Hangin' Maggie and died

00:48:47.179 --> 00:48:52.019
around 1765. The story has been retold for nearly

00:48:52.019 --> 00:48:55.900
300 years and is still remembered in Edinburgh

00:48:55.900 --> 00:49:03.099
folklore. That's cool. That is very cool. In

00:49:03.099 --> 00:49:05.380
the United States, if you get the death penalty

00:49:05.380 --> 00:49:07.699
and they try to kill you and it don't work, they

00:49:07.699 --> 00:49:36.679
try again. Well, that wasn't 1700. Yeah, maybe,

00:49:36.840 --> 00:49:43.159
maybe. Wow. All right. Thank you, Rob. Let's

00:49:43.159 --> 00:49:44.400
take our second break, then we're going to come

00:49:44.400 --> 00:49:46.179
back, and I've got a story I want to go into

00:49:46.179 --> 00:49:51.400
about the Gen Z Stare. Sound good? Sounds good.

00:49:51.639 --> 00:49:57.199
All right. We'll be right back. Two douchebags

00:49:57.199 --> 00:50:01.860
and a microphone. There is no escape. Enter at

00:50:01.860 --> 00:50:05.739
your own risk. You will not make it out. Run

00:50:05.739 --> 00:50:11.000
while you still can, bitches. Oh, shit. What's

00:50:11.000 --> 00:50:15.039
that over there? Oh, no. It's the island of horrible

00:50:15.039 --> 00:50:24.320
jokes. A ship -turning red paint and a ship -turning

00:50:24.320 --> 00:50:38.199
blue paint collided. They were all ruined. Hey,

00:50:38.219 --> 00:50:41.159
my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash Riptide,

00:50:41.300 --> 00:50:46.920
your music news. Legendary guitarist Zach Wilde

00:50:46.920 --> 00:50:50.099
unretires the Grail, the 1981 Gibbs and Les Paul

00:50:50.099 --> 00:50:54.000
for the new Ozzy Osbourne tribute track. You

00:50:54.000 --> 00:50:56.219
know this guitar. It's a bullseye Les Paul he

00:50:56.219 --> 00:50:58.139
made famous in the first few years of joining

00:50:58.139 --> 00:51:01.699
Ozzy. The Grail, as the guitar is known as, Zach

00:51:01.699 --> 00:51:03.840
is unretiring the beauty for a tribute track

00:51:03.840 --> 00:51:06.539
saluting the Prince of Darkness. No word on when

00:51:06.539 --> 00:51:08.980
or how the song will hit the public. We will

00:51:08.980 --> 00:51:12.519
keep you posted. This is Gash Rooktyne, and that

00:51:12.519 --> 00:51:15.800
was your music news. If it's too loud, you probably

00:51:15.800 --> 00:51:38.539
have ear damage, just like me. All those who

00:51:38.539 --> 00:51:43.960
believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. That

00:51:43.960 --> 00:51:48.599
needs to happen. Yes, it's true. Mark is an old

00:51:48.599 --> 00:51:51.719
bastard. It's also true that Mark uses a lot

00:51:51.719 --> 00:51:54.800
of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell you,

00:51:54.860 --> 00:51:58.400
if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,

00:51:58.500 --> 00:52:01.940
it's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures

00:52:01.940 --> 00:52:07.530
and tear them up immediately. Hey there. All

00:52:07.530 --> 00:52:10.050
have those annoying co -workers that do nothing.

00:52:11.349 --> 00:52:13.570
There's nothing we can do about it because HR

00:52:13.570 --> 00:52:16.630
departments are running scared of lawyers. So

00:52:16.630 --> 00:52:18.710
we have to work with these worthless pieces of

00:52:18.710 --> 00:52:22.030
garbage. But we have to communicate about them

00:52:22.030 --> 00:52:25.230
without them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags

00:52:25.230 --> 00:52:27.329
Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak

00:52:27.329 --> 00:52:29.510
about them right in front of them without them

00:52:29.510 --> 00:52:33.010
knowing about it. Stay tuned. The physics group,

00:52:33.170 --> 00:52:36.889
they focus on the absolute lack of movement or

00:52:36.889 --> 00:52:41.409
the laws of nature they seem to defy. The glazier,

00:52:41.570 --> 00:52:44.349
they spend all day staring through windows or

00:52:44.349 --> 00:52:47.050
at screens without actually touching anything.

00:52:48.269 --> 00:52:51.789
G -force, they act like they're being pinned

00:52:51.789 --> 00:52:55.809
to their chair by nine GGs of atmospheric pressure.

00:52:57.489 --> 00:53:01.469
The human speed bump. Everyone has to work around

00:53:01.469 --> 00:53:07.590
them to get the job done. The Invisibles. For

00:53:07.590 --> 00:53:09.909
the co -worker who is a master at disappearing

00:53:09.909 --> 00:53:15.989
when work appears. The Ghost. You hear stories

00:53:15.989 --> 00:53:18.989
about them, but you rarely actually see them

00:53:18.989 --> 00:53:36.860
working. Shoro boxed in public. Wore cowboy boots

00:53:36.860 --> 00:53:42.780
with shorts. Owned an F -350 that doesn't have

00:53:42.780 --> 00:53:47.519
mud on it. Days in front of the mirror at the

00:53:47.519 --> 00:53:53.980
gym. Did the Macarena. Uses the phrase circle

00:53:53.980 --> 00:53:59.699
back. Says right meow instead of right now. Hey

00:53:59.699 --> 00:54:02.460
there fuckstick. You're just in time for brand

00:54:02.460 --> 00:54:05.840
new feature news nobody gives a shit about. Bumblebees

00:54:05.840 --> 00:54:24.699
have been proven to sing to their young. Two

00:54:24.699 --> 00:54:27.579
douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here in

00:54:27.579 --> 00:54:30.119
the Kansas City area, the extreme southern tip

00:54:30.119 --> 00:54:33.860
of the Metroplex at the Talk is Cheap studio.

00:54:35.800 --> 00:54:41.659
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, in the middle

00:54:41.659 --> 00:54:46.320
of nowhere, but home of the magnificent Lucas

00:54:46.320 --> 00:54:49.179
Oil Speedway and Water Track, and also home of

00:54:49.179 --> 00:54:51.639
the Jicamo Country Store. where you can find

00:54:51.639 --> 00:54:55.000
all your needs, including a selfie with the green

00:54:55.000 --> 00:54:58.920
Sinclair dinosaur in the Doug Blind studio. All

00:54:58.920 --> 00:55:04.059
right, thank you, Rob. The Gen Z stare, I got

00:55:04.059 --> 00:55:05.679
into it a little bit before we went to break.

00:55:07.000 --> 00:55:11.300
The Gen Z stare refers to a blank, expressionist

00:55:11.300 --> 00:55:15.239
look that many young people... give in social

00:55:15.239 --> 00:55:18.800
situations and I've seen this I don't want to

00:55:18.800 --> 00:55:20.860
say the names but a couple people that I know

00:55:20.860 --> 00:55:25.599
that I work with do this and I don't know if

00:55:25.599 --> 00:55:29.460
it's well I'll just go on with it so this stare

00:55:29.460 --> 00:55:31.800
is often interpreted as a lack of engagement

00:55:31.800 --> 00:55:35.019
or a response to small talk and it has gained

00:55:35.019 --> 00:55:38.099
attention in the media and on social media platforms

00:55:38.099 --> 00:55:43.539
like TikTok and it's true I've seen it And I

00:55:43.539 --> 00:55:46.659
think it's like an aversion to just chit chat,

00:55:46.820 --> 00:55:49.880
like they'd rather not participate. Not all of

00:55:49.880 --> 00:55:53.199
them, but a chunk of the Gen Z's do this because

00:55:53.199 --> 00:55:56.440
I've witnessed it. So it is described as a vacant

00:55:56.440 --> 00:55:59.199
gaze that can indicate discomfort or a sense

00:55:59.199 --> 00:56:02.719
of being overwhelmed in social situations. Some

00:56:02.719 --> 00:56:05.280
experts suggest that this behavior may stem from

00:56:05.280 --> 00:56:09.500
social anxiety or impact of the COVID -19 pandemic,

00:56:09.619 --> 00:56:13.199
which has shaped how Gen Z interacts in person.

00:56:13.699 --> 00:56:16.380
And you know what? And that's so true, too. Look

00:56:16.380 --> 00:56:19.039
at the kids that went to school during COVID.

00:56:19.480 --> 00:56:22.280
They're not socially adjusted nearly as well

00:56:22.280 --> 00:56:24.400
as all of us that didn't have the interruption.

00:56:25.239 --> 00:56:29.880
Would you think so? I think so. And then plus

00:56:29.880 --> 00:56:35.329
just society. it's messed a lot of people up,

00:56:35.409 --> 00:56:38.929
it's true. So, the stare has spurred discussions

00:56:38.929 --> 00:56:42.289
among different generations, with some arguing

00:56:42.289 --> 00:56:44.889
it reflects a misunderstanding of Gen Z's communication

00:56:44.889 --> 00:56:48.230
styles, while others view it as a genuine response

00:56:48.230 --> 00:56:52.590
to challenging overreactions. Overall, the Gen

00:56:52.590 --> 00:56:55.909
Z stare is a complex phenomenon that reflects

00:56:55.909 --> 00:56:58.909
both personal experience and broader socialite

00:56:58.909 --> 00:57:05.119
trends. You know, Rob, the Xers also use this

00:57:05.119 --> 00:57:07.900
as a way of pondering if the person you're talking

00:57:07.900 --> 00:57:12.780
to is too stupid to survive. And I've done this

00:57:12.780 --> 00:57:15.440
before, too. You know what I mean? You know,

00:57:15.460 --> 00:57:20.440
if someone's excessively dumb and you, I'm trying

00:57:20.440 --> 00:57:22.760
to think of a better way to say it, right? You

00:57:22.760 --> 00:57:25.260
kind of throw a little bit out there to see what

00:57:25.260 --> 00:57:27.340
they're made of. And if they're just sitting

00:57:27.340 --> 00:57:29.760
there kind of like looking like they really don't

00:57:29.760 --> 00:57:32.840
know. like whether they want to talk or chew

00:57:32.840 --> 00:57:35.900
gum or look at the sky, you kind of just go on,

00:57:35.960 --> 00:57:39.719
right? Is that what you do too? Yeah. So the

00:57:39.719 --> 00:57:42.940
Gen Z stare may not be quite like that, but that

00:57:42.940 --> 00:57:46.460
is, to me, the Gen Xer's answer to the Gen Z

00:57:46.460 --> 00:57:53.159
square is feeling a person up to see how... intelligent

00:57:53.159 --> 00:57:56.659
they are or how conversational -less they are

00:57:56.659 --> 00:57:59.820
or something like that. Anyhow, that's the end

00:57:59.820 --> 00:58:03.300
of that one. I have to do that at work, so it's

00:58:03.300 --> 00:58:08.420
part of my life. Yes, me too. A lot of times

00:58:08.420 --> 00:58:13.440
they fail. Yes, me too. Totally different story,

00:58:13.679 --> 00:58:17.039
not for tonight. Same here. I'm just going to

00:58:17.039 --> 00:58:19.159
leave mine alone. You can tell yours if you want

00:58:19.159 --> 00:58:24.110
later. No, I'm not. Okay. Yeah, me neither. All

00:58:24.110 --> 00:58:28.070
right, Rob, let's turn it over to you. Okay,

00:58:28.070 --> 00:58:31.289
well, sorry, Florida. I've got to come back at

00:58:31.289 --> 00:58:36.989
you again. They'll get over it. I doubt it. Probably

00:58:36.989 --> 00:58:43.389
not. The Volusia... I hope I'm saying... Volusia.

00:58:43.449 --> 00:58:49.480
Volusia County. Volusia. The Volusia Sheriff's

00:58:49.480 --> 00:58:53.320
Office was responding to a complaint about drug

00:58:53.320 --> 00:58:57.000
sales in Daytona Beach when deputies arrived

00:58:57.000 --> 00:59:04.860
to an alleged sale in process. Drug dealer Bobby

00:59:04.860 --> 00:59:10.000
Johnson was hit by a flying bag of cocaine. as

00:59:10.000 --> 00:59:13.820
customer Charlie Damon suddenly decided to return

00:59:13.820 --> 00:59:21.019
his purchase, the sheriff's office said. Officials

00:59:21.019 --> 00:59:24.320
released body cam footage showing them telling

00:59:24.320 --> 00:59:27.699
the men involved to lie down on the ground as

00:59:27.699 --> 00:59:31.480
they moved in. One of the men was detained while

00:59:31.480 --> 00:59:34.739
deputies opened the gate to a Florida home walking

00:59:34.739 --> 00:59:38.769
past Johnson's dogs. Yeah, the cops just walked

00:59:38.769 --> 01:00:32.349
past the dogs. Okay. Wow. Okay. Wow. I mean,

01:00:32.369 --> 01:00:35.690
I can go in and watch the video of that and everything.

01:00:36.230 --> 01:00:38.650
And they show this one dude they're cuffing.

01:00:38.849 --> 01:00:44.489
This dude's already in an orange hoodie. Seriously,

01:00:44.750 --> 01:00:49.050
he's in a orange hoodie, just like jail. But

01:00:49.050 --> 01:00:57.320
it wouldn't be a hoodie. Wow. I'd do the same

01:00:57.320 --> 01:00:59.739
thing. That ain't, no, that ain't mine, that's

01:00:59.739 --> 01:01:04.260
yours. Yes, same here. As the cops bust in the

01:01:04.260 --> 01:01:08.179
door. That is some funny shit. That is. That's

01:01:08.179 --> 01:01:10.000
usually how something like that would end up.

01:01:10.059 --> 01:01:12.739
It really is. Like Rob said, sorry Florida, but

01:01:12.739 --> 01:01:14.679
it came from there. We can't help where the stories

01:01:14.679 --> 01:01:18.260
come from, right? Yeah, yeah. And this comes

01:01:18.260 --> 01:01:24.860
from a reputable source. Okay. Very cool. Thank

01:01:24.860 --> 01:01:27.099
you. All right, Rob, you had a list or something

01:01:27.099 --> 01:01:30.300
you want to get to? Yeah, yeah, I'm pulling it

01:01:30.300 --> 01:01:33.860
up right now. All righty. It's just a little

01:01:33.860 --> 01:01:36.340
something I come across. It's a little ha -ha.

01:01:36.719 --> 01:01:42.099
That sounds good to me. And it's a list of some

01:01:42.099 --> 01:01:45.360
artists from the 50s that are revising their

01:01:45.360 --> 01:01:49.519
hits with new lyrics to accommodate baby boomers.

01:01:51.579 --> 01:02:02.309
Okay. Herman's Hermits is going to revise the

01:02:02.309 --> 01:02:06.630
words to Mrs. Brown, you've got a lovely walker.

01:02:08.409 --> 01:02:17.409
Okay. The Bee Gees are going to redo How Can

01:02:17.409 --> 01:02:27.500
You Mandate Broken Head? Splish splash, I was

01:02:27.500 --> 01:02:33.960
having a flash. Rico Star is going to do I'll

01:02:33.960 --> 01:02:42.039
get by the wall, help from Depends. Okay. The

01:02:42.039 --> 01:02:46.539
Commodores once, twice, three times to the bathroom.

01:02:48.599 --> 01:02:56.639
True. Mara Gay. I heard it from the Grape Nuts.

01:03:00.500 --> 01:03:02.840
Google it if you know what Grape Nuts is. I don't

01:03:02.840 --> 01:03:06.320
think they make that anymore, do they? I think

01:03:06.320 --> 01:03:10.619
they do. Oh, they do? Okay. I don't know. Dude,

01:03:11.000 --> 01:03:14.860
I loved that as a kid. I did, too. It might be

01:03:14.860 --> 01:03:18.300
why I had bad teeth today. They weren't very

01:03:18.300 --> 01:03:34.239
forgiving on teeth, that's for sure. No. Yep.

01:03:34.239 --> 01:03:38.039
Everything makes me feel like napping. Here's

01:03:38.039 --> 01:03:41.940
a good old classic. Willie Nelson's going to

01:03:41.940 --> 01:03:52.579
do a remake of On the Commode again. Yep. We'll

01:03:52.579 --> 01:04:00.119
call Harem a wider shade of hair. Cool. Johnny

01:04:00.119 --> 01:04:11.840
Nash, I can't see clearly now. Yeah. Helen Reddy,

01:04:11.840 --> 01:04:21.480
I am woman, hear me snore. And finally, ABBA,

01:04:21.599 --> 01:04:35.539
denture queen. Denture queen. That's funny. I

01:04:35.539 --> 01:04:40.519
like that. I like that a lot. Very, very cool.

01:04:40.699 --> 01:04:43.699
All right. Rob, do you want to keep going? I

01:04:43.699 --> 01:04:45.500
got another story or do you want to just go ahead

01:04:45.500 --> 01:04:54.980
and call it a night? Yeah, I do. Okay. Yeah.

01:04:55.789 --> 01:05:01.789
My dog invaded again. I'll leave that up to you.

01:05:01.849 --> 01:05:05.570
I've got something I can go with right now. Okay.

01:05:05.670 --> 01:05:10.329
All right. Hellman's is finally... Very cool.

01:05:10.690 --> 01:05:13.110
Hellman's Mayonnaise is finally answering the

01:05:13.110 --> 01:05:16.050
question on everybody's minds. Is mayonnaise

01:05:16.050 --> 01:05:21.230
an instrument? It wasn't on my mind. Was it on

01:05:21.230 --> 01:05:26.699
yours? Instruments? An instrument. Yes. That

01:05:26.699 --> 01:05:30.179
would be the furthest thing. Same here. I mean,

01:05:30.219 --> 01:05:33.059
good on a sandwich. Playing it? I don't know.

01:05:33.079 --> 01:05:35.099
My dog is in here making all kinds of noise.

01:05:35.760 --> 01:05:38.139
I don't know. When you say you squirt out one

01:05:38.139 --> 01:05:40.480
of them little packets, it would make more noise.

01:05:40.679 --> 01:05:44.440
Yeah, well, it depends. I'll just go on. The

01:05:44.440 --> 01:05:47.960
question was infamously first posed about 25

01:05:47.960 --> 01:05:51.260
years ago by the lovable Starfish Patrick on

01:05:51.260 --> 01:05:54.400
SpongeBob SquarePants. And now there's finally

01:05:54.400 --> 01:05:57.329
an answer. The beloved mayo brand worked with

01:05:57.329 --> 01:06:00.610
Dr. Rachel Durkin, head of global music technologies

01:06:00.610 --> 01:06:04.469
in Northumbria University, and her team of experts

01:06:04.469 --> 01:06:07.230
to see if scientifically mayonnaise could be

01:06:07.230 --> 01:06:10.559
considered an instrument. What has been a widespread

01:06:10.559 --> 01:06:13.980
internet meme finally has become a proper verdict

01:06:13.980 --> 01:06:17.260
based on an academic study. Yes, mayonnaise can

01:06:17.260 --> 01:06:20.179
function as an instrument. Music has always evolved

01:06:20.179 --> 01:06:22.980
through experimentation. When you look at the

01:06:22.980 --> 01:06:25.699
core principles of how instruments create sound,

01:06:26.000 --> 01:06:28.539
you realize the possibilities of unconventional

01:06:28.539 --> 01:06:31.420
materials are endless, Durkin said in a statement.

01:06:31.900 --> 01:06:34.119
Exploring something like mayonnaise isn't just

01:06:34.119 --> 01:06:36.820
about fun. It challenges our assumptions and

01:06:36.820 --> 01:06:40.500
invites us to think far more creatively than

01:06:40.500 --> 01:06:44.059
what music can be. In the interim report provides

01:06:44.059 --> 01:06:47.219
to the Post, New York Post, with a full report

01:06:47.219 --> 01:06:50.119
from Northumbria University published shortly,

01:06:50.320 --> 01:06:53.739
the researchers explained that In organology,

01:06:53.880 --> 01:06:58.659
the scholarly subject of musical instruments

01:06:58.659 --> 01:07:02.260
recognizes that instrument status isn't restrained

01:07:02.260 --> 01:07:05.480
to purpose -built objects. So, in other words,

01:07:05.639 --> 01:07:08.119
it doesn't have to be like a horn or something

01:07:08.119 --> 01:07:10.460
that someone built. It doesn't have to be out

01:07:10.460 --> 01:07:13.860
of metal or plastic. It can be a different type

01:07:13.860 --> 01:07:16.920
of an object that just emits a sound, right?

01:07:17.000 --> 01:07:21.480
Is that the way you take it, Rob? Okay, what

01:07:21.480 --> 01:07:23.579
actually matters when determining whether something

01:07:23.579 --> 01:07:26.420
is a musical instrument is whether the object

01:07:26.420 --> 01:07:29.780
can produce or modify sound in a controlled and

01:07:29.780 --> 01:07:34.400
intentional way. The horn sax system, a global

01:07:34.400 --> 01:07:36.559
standard for classifying musical instruments,

01:07:36.820 --> 01:07:39.639
catalog instruments by what vibrates to produce

01:07:39.639 --> 01:07:42.889
sound. Mayonnaise in a jar, mayonnaise in a squeeze

01:07:42.889 --> 01:07:45.769
bottle, and mayonnaise without a vessel all behave

01:07:45.769 --> 01:07:48.929
differently and map onto a different part of

01:07:48.929 --> 01:07:51.590
the classification system. It can be classified

01:07:51.590 --> 01:07:55.389
in many more ways than conventional instruments,

01:07:55.730 --> 01:07:58.530
highlighting the condiment's musical versatility.

01:07:59.429 --> 01:08:02.789
So food science and acoustic research has revealed

01:08:02.789 --> 01:08:06.150
that mayonnaise has measurable and reproductible

01:08:06.150 --> 01:08:09.030
acoustic properties because of its physical composition.

01:08:10.360 --> 01:08:14.219
The sounds it produces are not arbitrary. They

01:08:14.219 --> 01:08:18.260
are determined by its structure and emulsion,

01:08:18.439 --> 01:08:21.180
the study noted. They also found that playing

01:08:21.180 --> 01:08:23.739
with mayonnaise for its sound alters it in a

01:08:23.739 --> 01:08:26.640
physical level. The two -way relationship between

01:08:26.640 --> 01:08:29.739
object and sound is a hallmark of musical instruments

01:08:29.739 --> 01:08:32.340
and raises the possibility that mayo could serve

01:08:32.340 --> 01:08:36.779
as a material in an instrument. And that would

01:08:36.779 --> 01:08:38.760
be something Eddie Van Halen probably would have

01:08:38.760 --> 01:08:41.000
done. He was famous for incorporating all different

01:08:41.000 --> 01:08:45.880
kinds of stuff into music. You know, like his

01:08:45.880 --> 01:08:51.180
drill. He'd done a lot of other things too. A

01:08:51.180 --> 01:08:54.380
lot of percussion was done. with things besides

01:08:54.380 --> 01:08:58.359
drums or, or something that has, you know, they,

01:08:58.500 --> 01:09:01.020
they, a lot of it's like, you know, they had

01:09:01.020 --> 01:09:05.359
like a, a Coke can and, you know, they'd be recording

01:09:05.359 --> 01:09:07.199
something and someone accidentally hit a Coke

01:09:07.199 --> 01:09:09.220
can against something. And then everyone would

01:09:09.220 --> 01:09:11.560
be like, Oh, Hey man, that sounds great. Put

01:09:11.560 --> 01:09:16.159
that in the song. So, so there you go. Mayonnaise

01:09:16.159 --> 01:09:20.840
is classified as a musical instrument. So, okay.

01:09:20.939 --> 01:09:24.909
Okay. Without, I'm not going to go on a rant

01:09:24.909 --> 01:09:28.390
here. Okay. I have one question. I already know.

01:09:29.989 --> 01:09:37.170
Would that article happen to say who paid for

01:09:37.170 --> 01:09:42.149
this testing? Yes. Hellman's. Hellman's paid

01:09:42.149 --> 01:09:47.770
for it. Yes. Well, at least it wasn't taxpayer

01:09:47.770 --> 01:09:51.409
money. No, no, no. Hellman's did it because they...

01:09:51.409 --> 01:09:55.810
See what I mean? If it was the government, we

01:09:55.810 --> 01:09:59.909
could get upset over that. Yeah, but no, Hellman's

01:09:59.909 --> 01:10:01.609
actually... If Hellman's paid for it, go for

01:10:01.609 --> 01:10:07.949
it. Yep. Okay, okay. Yeah, I didn't include that

01:10:07.949 --> 01:10:12.029
because it really wasn't what I was trying to

01:10:12.029 --> 01:10:17.460
convey in the story. Well, I know. mention the

01:10:17.460 --> 01:10:20.560
name of the company because it was one of the

01:10:20.560 --> 01:10:23.359
mayonnaise companies. Yeah, yeah. It was Hellman's

01:10:23.359 --> 01:10:28.359
that paid for it. It's actually great publicity

01:10:28.359 --> 01:10:30.760
for them and I think it's awesome that they did

01:10:30.760 --> 01:10:33.899
that. I mean, I really do. Yeah, I do too. I

01:10:33.899 --> 01:10:37.279
just did not want us to pay for it. Nope, we

01:10:37.279 --> 01:10:39.859
did not. And I'm glad you asked that. So now

01:10:39.859 --> 01:10:42.279
everybody knows. Good deal. Hellman's paid for

01:10:42.279 --> 01:10:45.340
it. We didn't out of our own pockets. All right,

01:10:45.359 --> 01:10:48.279
that being said, I guess we'll go ahead and end

01:10:48.279 --> 01:10:54.020
this. Yeah, yeah. All right. Long week still.

01:10:54.880 --> 01:10:58.180
Okay, yeah. Yeah, I got a pretty long one, too.

01:10:58.359 --> 01:11:02.439
And I only work one more day. Oh, yeah, you got

01:11:02.439 --> 01:11:05.859
enough to do. Yeah, I got a three -day weekend,

01:11:06.100 --> 01:11:09.840
but it's scheduled. So you're off Good Friday,

01:11:09.920 --> 01:11:13.159
then. That's good. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, they

01:11:13.159 --> 01:11:17.319
pay us for Easter, which is Sunday, so they give

01:11:17.319 --> 01:11:20.539
us a good Friday. That's cool. Good. All right,

01:11:20.560 --> 01:11:22.699
everybody, thank you for listening. We appreciate

01:11:22.699 --> 01:11:26.539
it. Have a good night, assholes. Good night,

01:11:26.600 --> 01:11:31.420
assholes. All right. Oh, no. Looks like the show's

01:11:31.420 --> 01:11:35.020
over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't

01:11:35.020 --> 01:11:38.479
afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll

01:11:38.479 --> 01:11:40.319
be back invading your ear holes soon.