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results. Well, well, well. We see you made it
back. That's right. It's time for your favorite
podcast, Two Douchebags and Microphone, live
from the historic river market in downtown Kansas
City, Missouri. But only on Tuesdays and sometimes
Wednesdays. Otherwise, you get live from the
Duck Wine Studio in Wheatland, Missouri, and
the Talk is Cheap studio from extreme southern
tenth of the Kansas City metroplex and the surrounding
areas. Let's grab a seat and see what kind of
garbage they throw at us today. Enjoy. Welcome
again. We're happy you chose us. Come on in.
Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make all friends, family members and workmates
download this show. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
promise to grab idle computers, work computers,
friends computers, community computers and other
assorted phones and listening devices and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
will download the show. and constantly barrage
everyone with show name and platforms. I, Joe
or Jane Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume
and scream the show's name from my front yard.
And finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy
humor, we must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking
in Uranus, Missouri to take selfies with the
signs. If you go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory.
Yes, there's a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys, we can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. Your mama's so stupid.
She tried to climb Mountain Dew. I have a pet
termite I call Clint. Wow, no shit. How strange.
Yeah, I call it Clint Eats Wood. Hey, good kid.
No one gives an ounce of shit what you had for
breakfast. Not even the person on the other end.
You look like a mentally slow driv yelling into
thin air all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts you out and blows up your eardrums. What
men consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look
back home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the thieving because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Ms. Gulkenstein
was tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of
her. Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob. The Capuchin
Monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob the Capuchin Monkey tries to sell the
rest of the Capuchin Monkey's Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a Diamond Status Amway
as a Capuchin Monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Hey there,
my little sorghum chewers. It's time for another
edition of Dive Bar Man Codes. And here we go.
Number one, the sticker of the floor. the stronger
the drinks. You do not ask what's in the well
liquor. You accept it. If the bartender calls
you hun, you're safe. Cash is king. Cards are
suspicious. The quiet guy at the end of the bar
knows everything. You're not regulars. You do
not ask questions. If the jukebox is present,
you must be used responsibly. Never play more
than two songs in a row. Touching the jukebox
after midnight is a bold move and should probably
not happen. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. Lucas Oil Speedway and
Water Track, and also home of Hickamost Country
Store, where you can find all your needs, including
a selfie with the Sinclair dinosaur in the Dunblane
studio. All right. Okay. Rob, how are you doing
this evening? Oh, I'm worn out, like always.
Yeah. How are you going? I'd like to energize
you. The same here. I've been, well, today was
three hours of podcasting, but yesterday was
all day cutting, brushing trees in the yard.
I had to get to it, and it was a perfect day
yesterday. I mean, it was around 90 degrees,
but it was a perfect day to get it done. And
I got it all done, so I'm pretty happy with that.
I mean, I got a lot more to do, but I got that
done when I needed to do the worst, because I
got to build a privacy fence, a smaller one.
around the pool so we can get more sunlight.
So I had to cut down the evergreens, and now
I've got to do a four -foot privacy fence so
people can't actually see you lying around the
pool, but if you stand up, you can look out and
you can get sunlight. So it's, you know, just
like you. You've always got stuff to do also.
You know what? I'd say hell with it. Do away
with the fence. Let the neighbors watch. It's
not me that gives a shit. Otherwise, I would.
Yeah. It's your boss. Yeah, yes. Yes, my boss.
Yep. Yep. So, anyhow, let me see here. Okay,
sorry, I was trying to figure something out here
real quick, and it sounded horrible on the podcast,
but I'm going to get to it here. Okay, well,
today is April 1st. So it's April Fool's Day,
right? Yeah. You want to hear a little list of
some of the best April Fool's pranks ever played
on America or the world? Sure. Okay. Number one
on this list is the spaghetti hoax. the spaghetti
tree hoax. In 1957, one of the most legendary
pranks ever aired by the BBC, British Broadcasting
Company, they showed Swiss farmers harvesting
spaghetti from trees, and viewers actually called
in asking how to grow their own. So, this worked
at the time because spaghetti was not common
in the UK during that period. So, they didn't
know that much about it, so people thought, oh,
spaghetti tree. The next one happened in 1996.
It's called the Taco Liberty Bell. I vaguely
remember this. Taco Bell announced it had purchased
the Liberty Bell and renamed it Taco Liberty
Bell. People were furious until it was revealed
as a prank. Even politicians briefly commented
on it before realizing it was a joke. I vaguely
remember that. Yeah, I do too. Once I read this,
I'm like, you know, I do remember that, you know.
So, Google's moon job in 2007. Google posted
a fake job listing for the center, Copenaria
Center, I think, on the moon. If I did not say
that right, then, you know, Google it and you
figure out how to say it. Complete were ridiculous
requirements like low gravity experience preferred.
Classic Google, though, detailed enough to almost
seem real. Flying penguins in 2008. The BBC again
struck with a nature documentary clip showing
penguins taking flight and migrating to the Amazon.
Narrated by Terry Jones. The CGI was good enough
to fool a lot of people. So they said that penguins,
this cold weather animal. that loves ice, was
flocking to the Amazon for no apparent reason.
I love that joke. What do you think? I love it.
Pluto reclassified again. The first time this
happened was 1976, and this happened periodically
after that. And an astronomer, Patrick Moore,
went on the radio claiming that a rare planetary
alignment would reduce gravity at exactly 947
a .m. Listeners reported feeling lighter, even
floating. Nothing but the Paris suggestion on
that one. Exactly. This was one of my favorites.
In 1998, the left -handed whopper. Do you remember
anything about that at all? I do. Yes. Burger
King advertised... Yeah, it was like a big deal
at the time, and I can't remember whether I bid
on it or not, but I do remember it. Burger King
advertised a left -handed Whopper designed for
lefties. Thousands ordered it, and just as many
requested the right -handed version. The same
burger, different marketing. Yeah, I was one
of them who requested the right -handed. You
got to laugh, wasn't I? Yeah, yeah, I needed
a right -handed one, too. A left -handed one
would be awkward, right? I'll tell you what,
it made them funny. Yes, it did. It was a pretty
good... It was a hell of a prank, that's for
sure. And we all got to enjoy our left -handed
or right -handed whopper until they told us it
was a prank. Sometimes I fake being left -handed.
Really? That's who needs more of them. Oh, yeah.
You know what? You're right. Yeah, I'm left -handed.
Right with your left hand. Oh, shit. So, all
right. Nixon for president in 1992. NPR aired
a segment claiming Richard Nixon was running
for president again with the slogan, I never
did anything wrong and I won't do it again. Many
listeners believed the date and believed it.
That was good. I do not remember that one. In
1992, Richard Nixon was probably almost dead.
He was really, really old. So number one, I would
have been like calling bullshit on that part
right there. Yeah. So, but anyhow, I guess people
believed it. MIT's police car on the dome, 1994.
I don't remember this. Students at MIT somehow
placed a full -size police car on top of the
great dome, completing with a dummy officer and
flashing lights. Not announced as a prank, but
perfectly timed for April Fool's. So, it doesn't
say where this dome was at, but I would guess
probably maybe like Las Vegas or some entertainment
place like that. I don't know. I don't either.
The color TV trick in 1962. In Sweden, the only
TV station, SVT, told viewers that they could
turn their black and white TVs into color by
putting nylon stockings over the screen. And
people actually tried it. Isn't that great? Bravo.
Bravo. They were bored back then, I'm telling
you. I know. It makes some of the pranks I did
look really kind of mundane. I'm like, damn,
you know. You know, babble snatch and all that
stuff. I don't know now. The MTV prank at the
mall, the Bluetooth prank, all that. This stuff
is kind of, yeah. Other people do it too, I guess.
Google Maps treasure mode in 2013, and I do remember
this very well. Google turned Google Maps into
a pirate treasure map interface, completing with
hidden loot. But all it was was a digital prank.
There was no hidden loot. And it was a joke.
And it happened on April 1st. I remember that
because people are going nuts on it. Yeah, so.
And finally, bonus YouTube shutdown in 2013.
All right. YouTube announced it would shut down
to pick the best video ever, claiming the site
had just been a contest, including fake interviews
and a winner reveal timeline. So people, I remember
that too. People were thinking that YouTube.
was just a big gimmick, and it was getting ready
to shut down, and it was, you know, doing this
prank, this viral contest instead, which was
not true. And so, while we're talking about stuff
that's not true, now I'm going to tell you something
that is true. Rob, have you ever heard about
Sharpie Lip? No. It's a new viral... okay well
i i don't think i've heard of it either but if
i did it wasn't memorable enough to stick in
my mind right so okay um so in the wait there's
more file sharpie lip is a new viral deal you
might have guessed the rocket scientists are
outlining their lips with a sharpie yes well
eventually there's quite a few toxins in the
sharpie ink and could even lead to poisoning
and possible blindness rob so well yeah so people
are coloring their lip for this viral bullshit
and thinking it's cool and it can make them very
sick and it could also make them blind so so
hey um You know what? You know what, Rob? Here's
what we need to do. Let's go to Home Depot, buy
some crooked boards, because you can't really
find any straight ones anymore, and build these
poor bored kids a fucking ramp. I need to. Yeah.
I mean, you know, or a fort. It is time for us
to do some charity work. Yes, it is. Or a tree
house. They really need a hobby besides drawing
on their lips. Agreed? Yes. Yes. Yeah. So. Hey.
Hey, we buy a couple lawn mowers. Mowing season's
coming up. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right. You
know what? We'll, like, show them the first time.
We'll go, all right, come here. This is the handle.
Okay. This is how you start it. You pull this.
Make sure it's got gas. Make sure it's got oil.
Okay. Now, when you do this and you clamp down
on this bar here, it's going to engage the throttle.
And then that's when you're going to have your
grass get shorter magically. But it won't get
shorter until you run over that particular patch.
Think that'll work? And send them around the
neighborhood and make money on them little bastards.
Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah, we'll be drinking Bush
Lights, Yin Lings, and scratching our nuts in
boxers. That sound good? Yeah. Hell yeah. That's
awesome. Yeah, that's when you know you have
it made, right, Rob? When you can sit around
on your porch. That's when you know you're a
true parent. Yes. You're scratching your nuts.
on your favorite chair, on your porch. And we
have plenty of friends. Yes, we do. Yep. I'll
tell you what, though. The talk is cheap studio
here. I got this recliner in here now, and it
is a godsend. Oh, man. Because my microphone
stand will reach about anywhere around here.
So right now, I'm propped back with my legs up
doing this podcast. It's very cool. I was...
Concerned about at first, you know, the energy
level, you know, because if you're laid back,
you kind of feel like, yeah, this is two douchebags,
a microphone, and I'm Mark. It hasn't happened
to me. Actually, I think I have more energy being
relaxed. Okay, well, my chair requires two. Oh,
okay. As you know, I just literally sat down.
So you would hear me snoring if I took this thing
back. So, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of what...
My mind stays in upright. Yes, yep. No, whenever
my back hurts, I come in here and sleep in the
recliner. It's closer to my desk so I can see
my notebook. Good idea. Well, I got all my notes
in my lap here. It's pretty cool. I'll have to
send you a picture of the setup, and maybe I'll
put it up on the website, too, or the Facebook
page. All right. So, finally here, and then we'll
get to you, is you ever wake up with dry, itchy
eyes, Rob? I did this morning. Okay, well, I
used to think it was allergies, and some of it
may be, to be all fair. Okay, to be fair, some
of it could be allergies, but now that's... It
was pouring down rain. I don't see how it was
allergies. Okay, good point. Yeah, it was pouring
up here, too, and we're getting ready to get
some more rain here pretty soon, also. There's
some storms moving in. We had a good one move
through the wall, though. Oh, did you have a
pretty stout one? It was over, it blew through
in about three minutes. I was actually at Nicomo's.
It was not raining when I walked in. I walk up
to the cashier. I go get my stuff. I'm in there
maybe three to five minutes. I get to the cashier
and it's just pouring out there. And as I get
done paying, I walk out. It's starting to slack
off. Yeah, it's been off and on. It's supposed
to be like that all week. It is. It is supposed
to be like that all week. And you know what?
I mean, it's like to where we really do have
to get the rain in now because I do believe it's
going to be a hot, dry summer, kind of showing
every indication around here so far. Well, you
got people getting it. That's the other thing,
too. Yeah. I mean, it's got to rain. Which we
are working on. It's got to rain, but it can't
rain too much at once because then you can't
work the ground properly. So, anyhow. Well, I'm
building planting boxes, like four -by -four
shipping boxes that I mount on pallets. Oh, okay.
That's what I do, too. And I'll wrap it in plastic.
No, that's what I do also, Rob. I do that too.
I got planters, above ground planters. And that
is the best way to do it because, like you said,
it doesn't flood. And also another thing is I
put in horse manure. We have a horse farm next
to us. But I know you know this, Rob, but a lot
of people probably don't. You can't put in brand
new horse manure. It has too much nitrogen in
it, and it will burn up whatever you try to grow.
Exactly. You want the old stuff. Yeah, you want
to let it be at least two years old to where
it's kind of ground, kind of manure, and that
manure works better than any type of fertilizer
you could ever buy anywhere. So trust me on this,
but you've got to make sure it is old manure.
If you use new stuff, the nitrogen will burn
it up. Do what now? No, go ahead. Finish what
you're saying. Oh, no, that's all I was saying
is the nitrogen will burn it up. I was just going
to back you up on that. Oh, okay. Princess is
a certified herbologist. Oh, really? I didn't
know that. Yeah. Okay. Yes. I told you about
her starting this new company. Uh -huh. Yeah,
I remember. She's good. Yeah. That's one of the
planning boxes. She's growing her own stuff.
She's going to make her own stuff and sell it.
Okay. And it's going to be anything from body
creams. Everything's going to be all natural.
No chemicals. That is a great idea. That's going
to go over well, dude. Dad and, you know, rocks
and crystals and my cousins, he just retired
and he's starting up a woodworking shop. So he's
going to build some stuff and throw it in for
sale. And we're just going to make a family business
out of it. That's a great idea. Rob, keep talking.
My dog opened up my door, and I've got to close
it because there's some noise coming in. So hang
on. Oopsie. I don't know what to say. Yeah. Okay.
All right. It's going to be a pretty nice thing
if we keep it going. We have a lot of the inventory
already. Okay. We're going to keep going. So
we're just hoping we can catch it early enough
this year. We've got to wait until... Mm -hmm.
Got it. Okay. Oh, okay. Back to itchy dry eyes.
Now the experts are saying this could be due
to eyebrow mites. Almost everyone has them. The
chemical they extrude to mate is the main culprit.
So bugs banging is why we're miserable sometimes,
Rob. Okay. Well, I figured mine was steel dust.
Oh. A lot of it is steel dust. Yes, Rob. Yep.
Because I used to work around steel dust frequently.
Honestly, I wake up in the morning, I've got
to clean out my eyes. I do. Yeah. Yep. Of all
the dust in the shop. Yeah. Mm -hmm. No, no,
no. And that's horrible on your eyes, too. It's
really hard to get out, and it scratches them.
It scratches your cornea. Oh, I know. That is
common with sheet metal. And it's from all the
scars from the stuff bouncing off of it. Yep.
But I did go and the company got me some different
safety glasses that I like a lot better that
fit tighter. Because it was like I'd watch a
piece come off the saw and I would watch it come
at my eye. I'm like, oh. I got my safety glasses.
Hell no, that thing bounced right off my eyeball.
Yeah. I watched it shoot at me. How did it do
that? Well, there's ways. No, no, no. They can
get in there. It's so weird. You have to really
wear tight goggles if you really don't want it
to get in. And it still gets in some. It's just
impossible. A face shield does just so much also.
And also, if you wear that stuff on top of each
other, it fogs up too much when you sweat, and
you can't see anyhow. Well, we went with a tighter
safety glass, and yeah, they work a lot better.
Yeah. And they're only like 50 cents more a pair.
That's what you want to go with. So, okay. Because
I've had two workman's comp cases over steel.
That's the most common in steel shops. That's
the most common are eye injuries. Okay, so the
bugs bang and that's why we're miserable sometimes.
So little bastards, I need to get a room because
my eyes constantly fucking itch. Always thought
it was allergies. Some of it may be allergies,
but it really is annoying. you know, they crust
over and they itch and you wake up and they itch
really bad. And then you start like rubbing them
and then it just makes your eyes puffy. And it's
just, so I am going to go to my eye doctor and
I'm going to. As for this new medicine, this
isn't in the article, but I know this because
I researched it. There's this new medicine coming
out that will kill those little eyebrow mites
or eyelash mites, and you won't hopefully have
nearly as bad of problems as you used to. So
I'll let everybody know when I have this done.
So that being said, Rob, let's turn this over
to you. I know you have some stuff you want to
talk about. A woman who claims she was romantically
involved with a quadruple amputee cornhole champion
and the man he is accused of shooting dead in
a murder case grabbing national attention has
spoken of dating both of them and said the accused
killer had a dark side. cornhole champion. Okay.
knees and limbs and nearly dying from a bacterial
infection in his infancy, taken in 2024 that
purports to show him shouting at her as he demands
to leave his property. In brief comments to TMZ,
Mattingly allegedly alleged Weber had an angry
dark side and that she was not surprised about
the murder charged against him. Okay. Sounds
incriminating to me. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's all
I'm going to read on the story because it keeps
going. It goes in the comments. Okay. Oh, yeah,
yeah, I know what you mean. Everyone's got to
get in there. It goes in the details, yeah. Anyway,
it goes in describing how to play formal. Okay.
That type of story. That's funny you said that,
because that's the first thing I thought, and
I thought it was going to be covered in the article,
but I guess not. Well, no, I guess he ended up
coming up to the car, but still, shooting him
in her car. Did he do it with his mouth? I don't
know. Come on, dude. Are you that much of a pussy?
Well, I guess you're not around. We can't ask
no more. Nope. We can't ask anymore. Nope. It
had to have been a surprise attack. You see that
little fucker coming up to you with no limbs.
You'd have to know. Anyhow. Okay. Good. Wow.
All right. He had to have all four prosthetics
or something. I guess. Oh, no. He was in a wheelchair.
He looked at his hand up above the window. I
heard him. Oh, okay. That's what it was. Okay.
He caught him by surprise then. Yeah, that's
true. Okay. All right. Well, thank you, Rob.
Let's take our first break, and then we're going
to come back with a few emails. We don't have
a whole lot. We covered a lot on that last one.
Yeah, we did. Yeah, we have like, I don't know,
four or five. So we'll get to them. All right.
We'll be right back. Hey, all you ginger snaps.
It's time for the douchebag question of the week.
Turn all answers into two douches. Spell out
the number two. Send in your replies or Rob will
find you. He is waiting for the word. Don't be
bashful. You'll get yourself hurt. What if you
uncovered and decoded a final warning from superior
beings from outer space? Would you warn the people
of their soon -to -be demise? Or would people
be way too irresponsible? and would go crazy,
and preventing you from coming forth. Origin
of April Fools. Religious holdouts in the 16th
century refused to celebrate the re -established
New Year's date on January 1st, preferent the
end of the Holy Week in April, making them April
Fools. Hey there. We all have those annoying
co -workers that do nothing. There's nothing
we can do about it because HR departments are
running scared of lawyers. So we have to work
with these workless pieces of garbage. But we
have to communicate about them without them knowing
about it. Here at Two Douchebags Microphone,
we developed a way that you can speak about them
right in front of them without them knowing about
it. Stay tuned. First code name, Absolute Zero.
They contribute nothing and effectively stop
all molecular motion in the project. Dark matter.
You know they're there, they take up space, but
they provide no light and cannot be observed
during actual work. Static. High noise, zero
signal, stays in one place. Event horizon. Once
a task enters their orbit, it is never seen again.
How about buffer? They take 20 minutes to process
a 5 second request. The screensaver. Looks like
they're working, but as soon as you touch them,
they disappear. Cloud mode. Just floating around
vague and nobody knows what they actually do.
And finally, 404. Task not found. Stay tuned
for more of these gems. Our constant pursuit
for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults
from an alien. Real hilarity. If you were a spice,
you would be flour. Hey peeps, it's time for
the police blotter. That's right stories about
stupid criminals and the dumbassness that ensued.
Let us begin now. During a routine traffic stop,
Ohio officer Sergeant John Allen found a bag
of illegal narcotics. He was about to let 29
-year -old Sean, total of Columbus, go when he
spotted laying in the passenger seat a clear
baggy labeled bag of drugs. Oh Lord, that man
just sawed a puppy in half. Hey there, don't
worry, I have a clown nose. Oh no, that drunk
guy just hit my child. It is okay, I have a clown
nose. Clown doses are sold at gag stores online
and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and
make magic happen. Hey there, fuckstick. You're
just in time for brand new feature news nobody
gives a shit about. A man in Manitoba, Canada
collects rat traps. He now has 3 ,421. Your mama's
so fat, she makes Godzilla look like an etching
figure. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm,
let's see. If I identify as a dog, and I start
wandering around the block without a collar on,
could Animal Control come by and pick me up?
Hmm, I may never know. Ah! Two douchebags and
microphone. I am Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob
in Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and water track, and also
home of Hickam Oak Country Store, where you can
find all your needs, including a selfie with
the green St. Clair dinosaur in the Duck Blind
studio. All right, you ready for some emails,
Rob? Oh, you know I love them. They're the best
part. Everyone lets us know that, too, so thank
you. Thanks for emailing us and letting us know
that you're the best. We appreciate that. So,
all right, hey, douchebags, what is the production
equipment used on your podcast? I'm just curious.
Roger in St. Louis County. audacity audio tonic
i have to use audio tonic because i have a window
based um i think 10 and 11 windows 10 and 11
you have to have audio tonic it was rebuilt uh
from audacity to handle it there was too many
bugs before so mine is audacity but it's called
audio tonic because of the type of browser that
i use and and the system that i use the operating
system not browser but the operating system that
i use is only compatible with audiotonic which
is audacity but it's just built for that and
if you have any questions at all there are literally
hundreds of videos on YouTube about how to operate
and how to master this. The beautiful thing about
this program is it is easy to manipulate and
do what you need to do. Whether it's big booming
voice, to little squeaky mouse, to long form
podcasts, to small little commercials, to bits,
to parodies. This is a perfect program for everything.
And you don't have to pay for it either. You
can get the free version, which works fine. you
want to really um subscribe and get a lot more
features you can do that too it's really good
and i really recommend the audacity products
so uh roger thank you okay the three of you all
on one show was pretty damn entertaining i love
it terry in columbia i i guess missouri it could
be south carolina or somewhere else but um we've
been hearing this a lot and um And the people
have been complimenting. Don't get me wrong.
We love it. But you only want to hear so much
of that. But this is a really slow email day.
We used them all up Sunday night. So, Terry,
thank you very much. We appreciate it. We plan
on keeping the douchebag gangbang going for a
long time. That is pretty much our anchor show
because that thing is just better than everything
else. Right? Yeah, all three of them. Yeah, and
we got some sponsors that we're going to announce.
Well, one I announced today at the Rock Island
Railroad Bridge, a new entertainment district
here in Kansas City. We podcasted from it. We
were the very first podcast. It opened today.
It was the very first day. We went there, and
everybody treated us like royalty, and they want
us to come back. But today I announced that we
are sponsored by All Star. pest solutions joe
kuzik owns it a very good man known a long time
he uh he knows his bugs so you will be hearing
this commercial and you will also be hearing
joe on this show talking about what you need
to look for as in pests and what you need to
do about it so um anyhow then we have another
sponsor i can't talk about it yet i got to get
with her um about it so things are Things are
pretty good here in douchebag land, so. Well,
actually, I have a list of people I'm going to
look into, too. Okay. You know, in my life, we'll
put it that way, you know what I mean. I think
you talked to me about it off of the program,
maybe Sunday? yeah we have some ideas we had
that little discussion about about the uh sponsors
and all that at first and you talked about it
a little bit yeah yeah i did okay yeah that i
think that's a great idea rob so yeah okay um
oh this one's for you rob how do you sharpen
your field knives sully and main I think he's
talking about field dressing, like if you got
a dare. Field knife. Yeah, you know what I do?
What do you do? I give it to my wife. Okay. She
can sharpen them, huh? Does she use a stone?
I don't know, but I know I can shave one when
I get it back. Shit. Okay. All right, she knows
what she's doing. That's for damn sure. Oh, yeah.
She's one of the... Very cool. I got you. I got
what you're saying. Isn't that awesome? Cool.
All right. Thank you, Sully in Maine. I hope
we answered your question there. The thing is,
is we don't know. I use mine with, I use the
stone with mine. And if you want to know what,
just Google it. All that information is there.
So, uh, Sully, thank you. Um, I agree. The next
one. I agree with Mark. NyQuil is the cure to
insomnia. Brenda in Louisiana. Okay. If you can
stay awake on that, they need to study your brain.
Like I said. Yeah, that stuff is a shutdown.
It is a complete shutdown. As soon as you take
that, it's like, okay, Mark, we'll see you a
little bit later. Not sure when. And it's a cheap
girl. Yes, it is. True. Did it a couple times
in my younger years. Just saying. You know, there's
not that much difference between Night Train
and that. The taste. Yeah, Night Train. Yeah,
yeah, and they're pretty close. They're pretty
close. And then finally, are you guys ever going
to take calls on your shows, Len Rothman? Isn't
it funny how we get these? We were just talking
about taking calls. Yes, we were. Before the
show, we were. And I didn't even see this email
right here. So I had no idea it was in there.
It's just weird how as soon as we start to focus
in on something, sure enough, someone sends an
email. Wait, hang on. Okay. Len Rothman. Yeah,
we're going to start taking calls and we're going
to start letting you know how to take calls or
how to call in. So there's going to have a special
number, of course. So, Len, thank you very much.
Thank you for your interest. Yes, it's going
to happen. And we encourage you to call in. The
Duke's going to call in. We have some other special
prizes. One of the new sponsors, the lady sponsor,
is going to be calling in, but I'm not sure when
that is going to be. I tried to get her on the
show today from the Rock Island Bridge, but she
was busy. So hopefully we will get this in maybe
Sunday night. We could get her on there for a
couple of minutes. But Joe is going to be on
here probably, maybe even this program, I might
be able to splice it in. So anyhow. All right,
so Rob, you got something? Well, Mark, you know
what time it is. Is it bag of garbage? Ah, yes.
It's always after... Yes, it is, and it makes
me happy. It's time for Rob's Bag of Garbage.
The greatest segment ever in the history of anything.
Which, honestly, sometimes it's not so much garbage.
I love it myself. It's my favorite segment. Okay,
in June of 2022, in a village in Odisha, India,
A wild elephant trampled a 70 -year -old woman
named Maya Maru to death while she was getting
water from a tube well. She died in the hospital.
That same evening, during her funeral, the elephant
came back, pulled her body off the tire, trampled
it again, and ran off. Wow. And they came back
and... Well, they don't embalm them. You know,
there's a lot of countries that don't believe
in embalming, you know, or don't have the materials
and all that. So, okay. That's what I want to
know, too. I mean, did it remind her? I don't
know. I'd prefer to crank. Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
but what could you do to an elephant to make
him not only kill you, but to come back and try
to kill you again? Yeah. I mean, that's mad.
Like I told the guy before, I said, if murder
was legal, I would kill you and I would bring
you back to life five times just so I could get
the thrill of killing you again. Yes. So. Of
course, I would never do that. That's a joke.
And I think most people know that. So, you know,
anyone's like, no, it's a joke. But it gets the
point across, right? Always. Yep. Anyhow, go
ahead. Let's go in for one more. I think that
sounds like an excellent idea, Rob. Oh, damn.
Tell that back here. Yeah, that's not. No, that's
actual trash. Okay, there you go. It is a bag
of garbage. No, seriously, it is. Okay. In 1724,
for some reason, this is on death. Okay. In 1724,
Maggie Dickinson, Dixon, Maggie Dixon, in case
anybody wants to look it up. The fishwife for
Musselberg was hanged in Edinburgh's grass market
after being convicted under the Concealment of
Pregnancy Act. She was pronounced dead, placed
in a coffin, and the court set off for her burial
at Musselberg. So she was sentenced to death.
She was hanged. And she got sent off to be buried.
Wow. You with me here? Yes, I am. Go ahead. But
wait. There's more. On the way, the coffin began
banging. When the lid was open, Aggie was alive.
Under Scott's law. Her sins had already been
carried out, so she could not be hanged again.
She lived another 40 years. She became a local
celebrity known as Half -Hangin' Maggie and died
around 1765. The story has been retold for nearly
300 years and is still remembered in Edinburgh
folklore. That's cool. That is very cool. In
the United States, if you get the death penalty
and they try to kill you and it don't work, they
try again. Well, that wasn't 1700. Yeah, maybe,
maybe. Wow. All right. Thank you, Rob. Let's
take our second break, then we're going to come
back, and I've got a story I want to go into
about the Gen Z Stare. Sound good? Sounds good.
All right. We'll be right back. Two douchebags
and a microphone. There is no escape. Enter at
your own risk. You will not make it out. Run
while you still can, bitches. Oh, shit. What's
that over there? Oh, no. It's the island of horrible
jokes. A ship -turning red paint and a ship -turning
blue paint collided. They were all ruined. Hey,
my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash Riptide,
your music news. Legendary guitarist Zach Wilde
unretires the Grail, the 1981 Gibbs and Les Paul
for the new Ozzy Osbourne tribute track. You
know this guitar. It's a bullseye Les Paul he
made famous in the first few years of joining
Ozzy. The Grail, as the guitar is known as, Zach
is unretiring the beauty for a tribute track
saluting the Prince of Darkness. No word on when
or how the song will hit the public. We will
keep you posted. This is Gash Rooktyne, and that
was your music news. If it's too loud, you probably
have ear damage, just like me. All those who
believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. That
needs to happen. Yes, it's true. Mark is an old
bastard. It's also true that Mark uses a lot
of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell you,
if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,
it's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. Hey there. All
have those annoying co -workers that do nothing.
There's nothing we can do about it because HR
departments are running scared of lawyers. So
we have to work with these worthless pieces of
garbage. But we have to communicate about them
without them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak
about them right in front of them without them
knowing about it. Stay tuned. The physics group,
they focus on the absolute lack of movement or
the laws of nature they seem to defy. The glazier,
they spend all day staring through windows or
at screens without actually touching anything.
G -force, they act like they're being pinned
to their chair by nine GGs of atmospheric pressure.
The human speed bump. Everyone has to work around
them to get the job done. The Invisibles. For
the co -worker who is a master at disappearing
when work appears. The Ghost. You hear stories
about them, but you rarely actually see them
working. Shoro boxed in public. Wore cowboy boots
with shorts. Owned an F -350 that doesn't have
mud on it. Days in front of the mirror at the
gym. Did the Macarena. Uses the phrase circle
back. Says right meow instead of right now. Hey
there fuckstick. You're just in time for brand
new feature news nobody gives a shit about. Bumblebees
have been proven to sing to their young. Two
douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here in
the Kansas City area, the extreme southern tip
of the Metroplex at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, in the middle
of nowhere, but home of the magnificent Lucas
Oil Speedway and Water Track, and also home of
the Jicamo Country Store. where you can find
all your needs, including a selfie with the green
Sinclair dinosaur in the Doug Blind studio. All
right, thank you, Rob. The Gen Z stare, I got
into it a little bit before we went to break.
The Gen Z stare refers to a blank, expressionist
look that many young people... give in social
situations and I've seen this I don't want to
say the names but a couple people that I know
that I work with do this and I don't know if
it's well I'll just go on with it so this stare
is often interpreted as a lack of engagement
or a response to small talk and it has gained
attention in the media and on social media platforms
like TikTok and it's true I've seen it And I
think it's like an aversion to just chit chat,
like they'd rather not participate. Not all of
them, but a chunk of the Gen Z's do this because
I've witnessed it. So it is described as a vacant
gaze that can indicate discomfort or a sense
of being overwhelmed in social situations. Some
experts suggest that this behavior may stem from
social anxiety or impact of the COVID -19 pandemic,
which has shaped how Gen Z interacts in person.
And you know what? And that's so true, too. Look
at the kids that went to school during COVID.
They're not socially adjusted nearly as well
as all of us that didn't have the interruption.
Would you think so? I think so. And then plus
just society. it's messed a lot of people up,
it's true. So, the stare has spurred discussions
among different generations, with some arguing
it reflects a misunderstanding of Gen Z's communication
styles, while others view it as a genuine response
to challenging overreactions. Overall, the Gen
Z stare is a complex phenomenon that reflects
both personal experience and broader socialite
trends. You know, Rob, the Xers also use this
as a way of pondering if the person you're talking
to is too stupid to survive. And I've done this
before, too. You know what I mean? You know,
if someone's excessively dumb and you, I'm trying
to think of a better way to say it, right? You
kind of throw a little bit out there to see what
they're made of. And if they're just sitting
there kind of like looking like they really don't
know. like whether they want to talk or chew
gum or look at the sky, you kind of just go on,
right? Is that what you do too? Yeah. So the
Gen Z stare may not be quite like that, but that
is, to me, the Gen Xer's answer to the Gen Z
square is feeling a person up to see how... intelligent
they are or how conversational -less they are
or something like that. Anyhow, that's the end
of that one. I have to do that at work, so it's
part of my life. Yes, me too. A lot of times
they fail. Yes, me too. Totally different story,
not for tonight. Same here. I'm just going to
leave mine alone. You can tell yours if you want
later. No, I'm not. Okay. Yeah, me neither. All
right, Rob, let's turn it over to you. Okay,
well, sorry, Florida. I've got to come back at
you again. They'll get over it. I doubt it. Probably
not. The Volusia... I hope I'm saying... Volusia.
Volusia County. Volusia. The Volusia Sheriff's
Office was responding to a complaint about drug
sales in Daytona Beach when deputies arrived
to an alleged sale in process. Drug dealer Bobby
Johnson was hit by a flying bag of cocaine. as
customer Charlie Damon suddenly decided to return
his purchase, the sheriff's office said. Officials
released body cam footage showing them telling
the men involved to lie down on the ground as
they moved in. One of the men was detained while
deputies opened the gate to a Florida home walking
past Johnson's dogs. Yeah, the cops just walked
past the dogs. Okay. Wow. Okay. Wow. I mean,
I can go in and watch the video of that and everything.
And they show this one dude they're cuffing.
This dude's already in an orange hoodie. Seriously,
he's in a orange hoodie, just like jail. But
it wouldn't be a hoodie. Wow. I'd do the same
thing. That ain't, no, that ain't mine, that's
yours. Yes, same here. As the cops bust in the
door. That is some funny shit. That is. That's
usually how something like that would end up.
It really is. Like Rob said, sorry Florida, but
it came from there. We can't help where the stories
come from, right? Yeah, yeah. And this comes
from a reputable source. Okay. Very cool. Thank
you. All right, Rob, you had a list or something
you want to get to? Yeah, yeah, I'm pulling it
up right now. All righty. It's just a little
something I come across. It's a little ha -ha.
That sounds good to me. And it's a list of some
artists from the 50s that are revising their
hits with new lyrics to accommodate baby boomers.
Okay. Herman's Hermits is going to revise the
words to Mrs. Brown, you've got a lovely walker.
Okay. The Bee Gees are going to redo How Can
You Mandate Broken Head? Splish splash, I was
having a flash. Rico Star is going to do I'll
get by the wall, help from Depends. Okay. The
Commodores once, twice, three times to the bathroom.
True. Mara Gay. I heard it from the Grape Nuts.
Google it if you know what Grape Nuts is. I don't
think they make that anymore, do they? I think
they do. Oh, they do? Okay. I don't know. Dude,
I loved that as a kid. I did, too. It might be
why I had bad teeth today. They weren't very
forgiving on teeth, that's for sure. No. Yep.
Everything makes me feel like napping. Here's
a good old classic. Willie Nelson's going to
do a remake of On the Commode again. Yep. We'll
call Harem a wider shade of hair. Cool. Johnny
Nash, I can't see clearly now. Yeah. Helen Reddy,
I am woman, hear me snore. And finally, ABBA,
denture queen. Denture queen. That's funny. I
like that. I like that a lot. Very, very cool.
All right. Rob, do you want to keep going? I
got another story or do you want to just go ahead
and call it a night? Yeah, I do. Okay. Yeah.
My dog invaded again. I'll leave that up to you.
I've got something I can go with right now. Okay.
All right. Hellman's is finally... Very cool.
Hellman's Mayonnaise is finally answering the
question on everybody's minds. Is mayonnaise
an instrument? It wasn't on my mind. Was it on
yours? Instruments? An instrument. Yes. That
would be the furthest thing. Same here. I mean,
good on a sandwich. Playing it? I don't know.
My dog is in here making all kinds of noise.
I don't know. When you say you squirt out one
of them little packets, it would make more noise.
Yeah, well, it depends. I'll just go on. The
question was infamously first posed about 25
years ago by the lovable Starfish Patrick on
SpongeBob SquarePants. And now there's finally
an answer. The beloved mayo brand worked with
Dr. Rachel Durkin, head of global music technologies
in Northumbria University, and her team of experts
to see if scientifically mayonnaise could be
considered an instrument. What has been a widespread
internet meme finally has become a proper verdict
based on an academic study. Yes, mayonnaise can
function as an instrument. Music has always evolved
through experimentation. When you look at the
core principles of how instruments create sound,
you realize the possibilities of unconventional
materials are endless, Durkin said in a statement.
Exploring something like mayonnaise isn't just
about fun. It challenges our assumptions and
invites us to think far more creatively than
what music can be. In the interim report provides
to the Post, New York Post, with a full report
from Northumbria University published shortly,
the researchers explained that In organology,
the scholarly subject of musical instruments
recognizes that instrument status isn't restrained
to purpose -built objects. So, in other words,
it doesn't have to be like a horn or something
that someone built. It doesn't have to be out
of metal or plastic. It can be a different type
of an object that just emits a sound, right?
Is that the way you take it, Rob? Okay, what
actually matters when determining whether something
is a musical instrument is whether the object
can produce or modify sound in a controlled and
intentional way. The horn sax system, a global
standard for classifying musical instruments,
catalog instruments by what vibrates to produce
sound. Mayonnaise in a jar, mayonnaise in a squeeze
bottle, and mayonnaise without a vessel all behave
differently and map onto a different part of
the classification system. It can be classified
in many more ways than conventional instruments,
highlighting the condiment's musical versatility.
So food science and acoustic research has revealed
that mayonnaise has measurable and reproductible
acoustic properties because of its physical composition.
The sounds it produces are not arbitrary. They
are determined by its structure and emulsion,
the study noted. They also found that playing
with mayonnaise for its sound alters it in a
physical level. The two -way relationship between
object and sound is a hallmark of musical instruments
and raises the possibility that mayo could serve
as a material in an instrument. And that would
be something Eddie Van Halen probably would have
done. He was famous for incorporating all different
kinds of stuff into music. You know, like his
drill. He'd done a lot of other things too. A
lot of percussion was done. with things besides
drums or, or something that has, you know, they,
they, a lot of it's like, you know, they had
like a, a Coke can and, you know, they'd be recording
something and someone accidentally hit a Coke
can against something. And then everyone would
be like, Oh, Hey man, that sounds great. Put
that in the song. So, so there you go. Mayonnaise
is classified as a musical instrument. So, okay.
Okay. Without, I'm not going to go on a rant
here. Okay. I have one question. I already know.
Would that article happen to say who paid for
this testing? Yes. Hellman's. Hellman's paid
for it. Yes. Well, at least it wasn't taxpayer
money. No, no, no. Hellman's did it because they...
See what I mean? If it was the government, we
could get upset over that. Yeah, but no, Hellman's
actually... If Hellman's paid for it, go for
it. Yep. Okay, okay. Yeah, I didn't include that
because it really wasn't what I was trying to
convey in the story. Well, I know. mention the
name of the company because it was one of the
mayonnaise companies. Yeah, yeah. It was Hellman's
that paid for it. It's actually great publicity
for them and I think it's awesome that they did
that. I mean, I really do. Yeah, I do too. I
just did not want us to pay for it. Nope, we
did not. And I'm glad you asked that. So now
everybody knows. Good deal. Hellman's paid for
it. We didn't out of our own pockets. All right,
that being said, I guess we'll go ahead and end
this. Yeah, yeah. All right. Long week still.
Okay, yeah. Yeah, I got a pretty long one, too.
And I only work one more day. Oh, yeah, you got
enough to do. Yeah, I got a three -day weekend,
but it's scheduled. So you're off Good Friday,
then. That's good. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, they
pay us for Easter, which is Sunday, so they give
us a good Friday. That's cool. Good. All right,
everybody, thank you for listening. We appreciate
it. Have a good night, assholes. Good night,
assholes. All right. Oh, no. Looks like the show's
over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't
afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll
be back invading your ear holes soon.