WEBVTT

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Good evening. All the obtuse, incognizant, unsagacious,

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ill -informed, dull -witted, addle -pated, dunder

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-headed, feather -brained, muddle -headed, but

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lovable listeners. This is your warning. You're

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headed straight for the douchebag gangbang. That's

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right. Run while you are able. Don't look back.

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Topa, Mark, and Rob. are headed for your ear

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holes in three, two, one. Here at Two Douchebags

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and a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic

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integrity. Go ahead and assume we got the story

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wrong. At least we admit it. Not like all those

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other guys. We can and will lie if it makes the

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story better. Two douchebags and a microphone.

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Here at the gangbang, we realize no one wants

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to do a douchebag pledge. We simply will not

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waste your time with bullshit. By the way. Remember

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to enter dinner with the douchebags contest.

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Good luck. Your mom is so old, she was a waitress

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at the last supper. Hey there. We all have those

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annoying co -workers that do nothing. There's

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nothing we can do about it because HR departments

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are running scared of lawyers. So we have to

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work with these worthless pieces of garbage.

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But we have to communicate about them without

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them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags

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Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak

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about them right in front of them without them

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knowing about it. Stay tuned. First code name,

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Absolute Zero. They contribute nothing and effectively

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stop all molecular motion in the project. Dark

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matter. You know they're there. They take up

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space, but they provide no light and cannot be

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observed during actual work. Static. High noise.

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Zero signal. Stays in one place. Event Horizon.

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Once a task enters their orbit, it is never seen

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again. How about Buffer? They take 20 minutes

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to process a 5 second request. The Screensaver.

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Looks like they're working, but as soon as you

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touch them, they disappear. Cloud Mode. Just

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floating around, vague, and nobody knows what

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they actually do. And finally, 404. Task not

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found. Stay tuned for more of these gems. People

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often ask, how do we cram so much funny into

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one little show? Well, it's simple. We buy funny

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in bulk on the Internet. Hey, Mark, you're wanted

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at the front door. There's a big bag of funny

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they need you to sign for. Okay, thanks a lot.

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I'll be right there. I'm still sorting out the

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funny we got from yesterday. There's your answer.

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We buy funny in bulk on the Internet. Hey, everybody,

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this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some

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tips for life. Always answer the phone with,

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I have 1%. I will hang on as long as I can. That

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way, if it's someone you don't want to talk to,

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look off mid -sentence, and you're done. And

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now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. I sure wish my

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inner voice sounded just like Morgan Freeman.

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Hmm. That'd be cool. Good evening, friends and

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neighbors. I'm going to read to you a list of

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hypocrites. Self -righteous assholes that want

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to tell you what you're doing wrong, but will

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not address this for themselves. One newer issue

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among these dullards is the stolen land gimmick.

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They tell us we need to give up the land back,

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but when they were confronted, they offered nothing.

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Therefore, hypocrites and liars. Alyssa Milano,

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hypocrite and a liar. Mark Ruffalo, hypocrite

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and a liar. Jane Fonda, longtime hypocrite, liar.

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Elizabeth Warren, longtime idiot, liar, hypocrite.

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Leonardo DiCaprio, your name might be on a list

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somewhere that just came out. I don't know, possibly.

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Maybe you need to shut your mouth. Yeah, you

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probably do. Billie Eilish, liar. Ben and Jerry,

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liars. We go on for another hour, but you get

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the point. I once again present to you the You

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First Movement. This is when you mouth off about

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stolen land or anything else, you go first. You

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live on stolen land, you give your land back,

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but until this happens, shut the fuck up. Fuck

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up. What list is it? Hey, this is the Douchebag

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Gangbang. I'm sorry. We're in the middle of a

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discussion here. But we're going to go ahead

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and let you guys in on it because, well, we feel

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cool like that, right? Okay. So, Rob, what were

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you saying? I'm sorry. And then I'll get into

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the intro. I was going to ask you if you had

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your biggest fear list. Yes. I've got a shit

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ton of them. Okay, so anyhow, I am Mark. This

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is the Douchebag Gangbang. This is our anchor

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show. This is a show that we pound our chest

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on and point at people and laugh. Okay, so my

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name is Mark. I'm here in the Kansas City Metroplex

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at the extreme southern tip, about a mile away

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from the famous Jack Stack Barbecue, who seems

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to have problems with their gift cards, but they

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somewhat straightened it out for me earlier.

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and about 1 .2 miles from the famous Justin Jim's

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Steakhouse, and I had a tick on my leg. That

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has nothing to do with anything, but I'm just

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letting you know. At the Talk is Cheap studio.

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I don't know what the fuck I just did. Rob, please.

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Why not? But he has a huge penis, Rob. Oh, we

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are? Okay. All right. Sorry. But it does, for

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the record. Okay. All right. Okay. I'll leave

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Dino's penis alone. I'm sorry. Now we go to Topher.

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Oh, nice. Oh, cool. Very cool, yeah. Good song.

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Good song and a great lick to learn. All right.

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Yep, yep. Get those things nimble. All right.

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Yes, we are. It's going to be an interesting

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show, shall we say? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah,

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so, hey, Topher, Zach Wild, I was checking out

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Ozzy's song that he made with Black Label Society,

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and it's good. It's not really what I prefer

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as a song, but it's heartfelt and it's really

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good. But Zach Wild does these easy chords that

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sound cool series. You ought to take a look at

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it. I mean, he just does these simple chords

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and he puts them in different concessions and

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it sounds fucking phenomenal. So, if you get

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a chance, look that up. So, alright. Have you

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ever had something happen and you go, that was

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definitely karma? Yeah. Okay. Well, Saturday

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morning, yesterday morning actually, I was using

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a water pick, right? And it's clogged. I have

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so much, you know, dental work, I have to use

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a water pick to get in everywhere because of

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the crowns and all that bullshit. So it was clogged.

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So I'm sitting there and I'm looking in and I'm

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trying to unclog it. And I finally unclog it,

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but it goes ballistic and drenches my face. This

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is six in the morning. So, you know, right off

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the barrel, the water pick blasts me in the face.

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So, you know, Topher, you know, the first thing

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I thought of, because the Friday morning, the

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morning before, we had to hand out a fuck you

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card to a car, right? Yeah, one side says $50,

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and the other side says, I fooled you, you parked

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like an asshole, and it has a middle finger.

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Okay. Well, the guy parked bad, but he didn't

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necessarily, like, block us in, but I was all

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anxious to use our new little gimmick, right?

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So he may not have quite deserved that, you know?

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So we threw it on there real quick, like, and

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we took off. And that's the first thing I thought

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of as soon as that fucking water pick blasted

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me in the face. I'm like, yep, I should not have

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got him. He probably really didn't deserve that.

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But anyhow, you know what? I think there's a

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John Lennon song like that, Instant Karma. Yes,

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there is. Yeah. Yep. That was it right there.

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That song didn't play in my head, but the next

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time something like that happens, it will. Yes.

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My quote of the week is, we lost America around

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the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and

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started vaping strawberry cheesecake. I think

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I agree with that 100%. So from that, I go into

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this. My computer is overdramatic, right? Everything

00:10:59.269 --> 00:11:02.549
is designed to get me to click on it. So the

00:11:02.549 --> 00:11:05.590
other morning, this thing is particularly annoying,

00:11:05.730 --> 00:11:08.620
right? I start my monitor, and the first thing

00:11:08.620 --> 00:11:11.679
when I push the browser is it says in the corner,

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temperatures to plummet tomorrow. So I'm like,

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ah, shit, I got a lot of stuff I got to do in

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the yard. I click on it, and it's just a five

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-degree temperature swing. It went from 75 to

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70. And I'm like, you fuckers. I wanted to crumple

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up my fucking monitor and throw it in the trash.

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I was so mad. Yeah, and then I'm like, I'm perplexed,

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and then I thought, you know what? Okay, I get

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it. All they're trying to do is get me to click

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on it, and that's what I did, so I'm the sucker.

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Yeah, so, and then I go into this, and then we

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go into your guys' stuff here. I'm really perplexed

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at this situation. The other one, I get, you

00:11:59.490 --> 00:12:01.789
know, they want me to click on it like a dumbass.

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Of course I did, you know. I went to Whataburger

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right next to my massage place the other night,

00:12:08.960 --> 00:12:11.879
right? I get to my massage place a few minutes

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early, so I run over to get me a drink from the

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restaurant. So I'm paying the drive -thru chick,

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right? I look over on the counter, and there's

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a stack of those cardboard Burger King crowns.

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Cool. Yeah, and this is in a Whataburger, right?

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So I'm sitting there going, hmm. So I look at

00:12:32.779 --> 00:12:35.840
her, and she looks at me. And I guess I look

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kind of quizzed at him. She goes, yeah. And I

00:12:37.639 --> 00:12:41.820
go, what is that stack of Burger King crowns

00:12:41.820 --> 00:12:44.500
doing over there? And she goes, I really can't

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comment about that. And she closed the fucking

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door. Yeah. Any ideas? You think there's a merger

00:12:55.659 --> 00:12:59.500
going to happen soon? That makes more sense than

00:12:59.500 --> 00:13:04.090
anything I could think of. It was just really

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peculiar. It was so peculiar. She just goes,

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oh, I really can't talk about that. And then

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she gave me my drink and shut the door. Wow.

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Either that or she was just jacking with you.

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That's probably it. They probably got me on camera

00:13:19.129 --> 00:13:21.009
going, hey, guys, come here. Come here. Hey,

00:13:21.090 --> 00:13:26.730
look at this one. So, yeah, I don't know. So,

00:13:26.730 --> 00:13:31.710
anyhow. And so, you know, when I had COVID last

00:13:31.710 --> 00:13:34.679
week, I found the cure for insomnia. It's definitely

00:13:34.679 --> 00:13:40.440
NyQuil. If anyone has insomnia, drink half of

00:13:40.440 --> 00:13:43.500
that fucking NyQuil bottle. If you stay awake,

00:13:43.740 --> 00:13:49.700
they need to analyze your brain. Because you

00:13:49.700 --> 00:13:53.659
have special powers, nobody else does. So, that

00:13:53.659 --> 00:14:05.710
being said, let's turn it to Mr. Rob Rad. Oh,

00:14:05.710 --> 00:14:18.590
hell yeah. Are you sure it's her or is it Bon

00:14:18.590 --> 00:14:27.309
Jovi? That's what I thought. Anyhow, go ahead.

00:14:55.240 --> 00:14:57.279
I actually will... That's what I want to say.

00:14:57.340 --> 00:15:01.399
You see what I'm thinking? Yeah. Okay. I like

00:15:01.399 --> 00:17:14.839
that. Tupac's cousin. Yeah, definitely. Did she

00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:17.839
have like a regular sidekick or something? Yeah,

00:17:17.839 --> 00:17:22.180
she did. But I think, I read another article

00:17:22.180 --> 00:17:25.460
containing this story. But I think they're going

00:17:25.460 --> 00:17:30.220
to go with different people. With the same character

00:17:30.220 --> 00:17:37.279
names. Okay. Yeah, that's for keeping with a

00:17:37.279 --> 00:17:39.460
full reboot. You get to kind of reinvent some

00:17:39.460 --> 00:17:42.640
stuff. Yeah, and I also like the idea of the

00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:45.890
main character. So if they get the other characters,

00:17:45.890 --> 00:17:47.950
like the thought they put into Jamie Lee Curtis

00:17:47.950 --> 00:17:51.910
being the main character, I'm on board. Yeah.

00:17:52.869 --> 00:18:01.250
Very cool. Thank you, Rob. Was that it? All righty.

00:18:01.670 --> 00:18:04.849
In Cherokee County, Georgia, some parents are

00:18:04.849 --> 00:18:07.849
furious after the limo driver they hired to take

00:18:07.849 --> 00:18:10.670
their kids to the prom was arrested on the way

00:18:10.670 --> 00:18:42.390
back home. Oh! Oh, hell yeah. It was a crazy

00:18:42.390 --> 00:18:48.289
night. One teen said you did not want to be identified.

00:18:48.789 --> 00:18:51.509
She said she was excited for senior prom night,

00:18:51.609 --> 00:18:53.930
but it got off on the wrong foot when Baba showed

00:18:53.930 --> 00:18:56.970
up an hour late to pick the teens up. She said

00:18:56.970 --> 00:18:59.390
he got lost on the way to the Georgia Aquarium.

00:18:59.609 --> 00:19:16.019
The teen says... to find his way back to Cherokee

00:19:16.019 --> 00:19:18.099
County even though the directions were in his

00:19:18.099 --> 00:19:57.329
GPS. You know what? Rob's on to something. If

00:19:57.329 --> 00:19:59.829
he wouldn't have bogarted it, they would have

00:19:59.829 --> 00:20:04.490
been fine with it. Yeah, yeah. He should have

00:20:04.490 --> 00:20:09.410
broke them off a piece. Yep. Anyway, so the parents

00:20:09.410 --> 00:20:11.650
asked for a full refund from the limo company.

00:20:11.910 --> 00:20:15.349
The owner of Price A Limo said Baba works for

00:20:15.349 --> 00:20:17.710
another limo company, and he offered to only

00:20:17.710 --> 00:20:27.740
charge the teens half price. And they never knew

00:20:27.740 --> 00:20:29.799
Baba worked for somebody else. They thought they

00:20:29.799 --> 00:20:32.359
were doing business with Price a Limo, not a

00:20:32.359 --> 00:20:36.700
private contractor. Just deputies say Baba failed

00:20:36.700 --> 00:20:39.059
the field sobriety test and could not recite

00:20:39.059 --> 00:20:42.680
the alphabet. Deputies also say he did not have

00:20:42.680 --> 00:20:45.819
valid certificates to operate a car, let alone

00:20:45.819 --> 00:20:49.759
a car for hire or drive a limo. Totally undocumented.

00:20:50.420 --> 00:21:07.779
Oh my gosh. Wow. Well, you know... Oh, go ahead.

00:21:07.839 --> 00:21:10.240
I'm sorry. I was going to say, thank goodness

00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:11.980
the kids are okay. That could have turned out

00:21:11.980 --> 00:21:14.279
a whole lot worse. Yes, it could have. Right.

00:21:14.420 --> 00:21:17.220
Yeah, you are right about that. Well, I have

00:21:17.220 --> 00:21:21.460
my own limo story, okay? Believe it or not, it's

00:21:21.460 --> 00:21:24.839
cheaper to rent a limo coming from KCI to South

00:21:24.839 --> 00:21:27.960
Kansas City than it is taking an Uber or a taxi,

00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:32.259
okay? Really? It is. It is. I don't know why.

00:21:32.519 --> 00:21:36.710
So we used to rent... from this place called

00:21:36.710 --> 00:21:39.410
Five Guys, and I'm not dogging them. This was

00:21:39.410 --> 00:21:41.609
the guys' fault. It wasn't them. They had no

00:21:41.609 --> 00:21:45.789
idea, okay? And I don't have a problem with them,

00:21:45.910 --> 00:21:49.609
but we were coming back from a cruise, and it

00:21:49.609 --> 00:21:51.910
was Super Bowl night. It was the second Super

00:21:51.910 --> 00:21:54.710
Bowl we were in against San Francisco. Not the

00:21:54.710 --> 00:21:56.670
first one, the second one, okay? The last time

00:21:56.670 --> 00:21:59.650
we were in there. And we were coming back from

00:21:59.650 --> 00:22:01.430
a cruise, and the guy was supposed to be there.

00:22:01.630 --> 00:22:04.910
I was going to get home right on time. when kickoff.

00:22:05.369 --> 00:22:09.769
Okay, so the guy was 45 minutes late. So I called

00:22:09.769 --> 00:22:12.609
down there to five guys. I'm like, hey, it's

00:22:12.609 --> 00:22:15.190
Super Bowl night. I'm here at the airport. Where's

00:22:15.190 --> 00:22:21.470
my guy? Oh, okay. Yeah, they call him up. He

00:22:21.470 --> 00:22:25.970
fell asleep. Okay. So then he comes and gets

00:22:25.970 --> 00:22:28.359
me. And then on the way back home, you know,

00:22:28.359 --> 00:22:31.700
435 gets kind of crazy going south there because

00:22:31.700 --> 00:22:34.880
he didn't take through the city 71. He went 435

00:22:34.880 --> 00:22:37.819
around the city. But the problem is in the 65,

00:22:37.980 --> 00:22:41.039
70 mile an hour zones, he was going 50, 55 mile

00:22:41.039 --> 00:22:45.859
an hour because he was nodding off. Oh, my God.

00:22:45.920 --> 00:22:50.339
And I got back in time for the second half of

00:22:50.339 --> 00:22:52.480
the fucking Super Bowl because of that idiot.

00:22:52.680 --> 00:22:56.980
He is the first guy I've never tipped. In a limo.

00:22:57.079 --> 00:23:00.160
First guy I've never tipped. And he knew he did

00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:01.880
wrong because he's trying to take all my luggage

00:23:01.880 --> 00:23:03.680
out. I go, oh, no, don't bother. I got it. I

00:23:03.680 --> 00:23:06.900
got it. I said, you got to get home. I took all

00:23:06.900 --> 00:23:08.960
my luggage out of there and I walked off. He

00:23:08.960 --> 00:23:12.519
just stood there looking at me. And I was just

00:23:12.519 --> 00:23:15.400
like, oh, yeah, you get a bad limo driver, it

00:23:15.400 --> 00:23:18.539
sucks. I'll tell you that right now. But like

00:23:18.539 --> 00:23:22.140
I said. Wow. This was this guy. This wasn't necessarily

00:23:22.140 --> 00:23:24.700
five guys. I'm not dogging him or anything. I'm

00:23:24.700 --> 00:23:28.099
just telling you what happened. So, anyhow, should

00:23:28.099 --> 00:23:36.539
we... Yeah, yeah, maybe so, but he probably should

00:23:36.539 --> 00:23:42.240
have turned... Yeah, he probably did. Yeah, yeah,

00:23:42.319 --> 00:23:46.750
well, I was the unfortunate victim of that. But

00:23:46.750 --> 00:23:49.269
you know what? I did watch the game on my phone,

00:23:49.309 --> 00:23:51.230
but it pissed me off, so I stopped. I'm like,

00:23:51.329 --> 00:23:53.950
no, this isn't what I had in mind watching the

00:23:53.950 --> 00:23:57.569
Super Bowl tonight. And I even had our plane

00:23:57.569 --> 00:23:59.950
on the, actually on the cruise the day before,

00:23:59.970 --> 00:24:02.269
I had our plane switched, and I paid an extra

00:24:02.269 --> 00:24:05.690
couple hundred dollars to get home earlier to

00:24:05.690 --> 00:24:07.670
watch the game, and I get that fucking bozo.

00:24:08.549 --> 00:24:10.970
But anyhow, you know what? You want to go into

00:24:10.970 --> 00:24:17.930
greatest fear? My first one is my greatest fear,

00:24:18.089 --> 00:24:22.690
and yours too, or we pick, I guess. All right.

00:24:22.849 --> 00:24:25.329
Having a rip in the back of your britches. Yes,

00:24:25.329 --> 00:24:30.789
I said britches. Not being able to match a pair

00:24:30.789 --> 00:24:34.390
of socks or waking up in Stefan Diggs' apartment

00:24:34.390 --> 00:24:38.369
with pink powder all over your face. Strawberry.

00:24:39.750 --> 00:24:46.539
Diggs. It's got to be Stefan Diggs. Yes. And

00:24:46.539 --> 00:24:48.740
probably a headache and probably other parts

00:24:48.740 --> 00:24:50.819
of your body might ache too, but I won't speculate.

00:24:52.680 --> 00:24:55.900
I wonder if he's got a job again this season

00:24:55.900 --> 00:25:00.039
or whether he will. That's a good question. We'll

00:25:00.039 --> 00:25:02.420
have to look that up on the alternate universe

00:25:02.420 --> 00:25:07.000
douchebags Tuesday or probably Wednesday, I think,

00:25:07.019 --> 00:25:11.900
this week. Okay. Yeah, take a look at that and

00:25:11.900 --> 00:25:37.759
find out. All right, Rob. Go into a public place

00:25:37.759 --> 00:25:43.299
and you stink it up. Public place. No, no, no,

00:25:43.299 --> 00:25:47.839
no, no, no. No. Greatest fear. Probably the snake

00:25:47.839 --> 00:25:50.799
because if you got to go, it's miserable, right?

00:25:51.799 --> 00:25:56.339
It is. Man, that's some tough choices. It is.

00:25:56.359 --> 00:26:07.190
That's really close. Yeah, that's true. Yeah,

00:26:07.589 --> 00:26:20.309
you had Alice for many years. I'll tell him,

00:26:20.309 --> 00:26:25.529
smell it. Smell my nectar. Come on, here. Sniff

00:26:25.529 --> 00:26:32.329
it up, bitches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mitch Holt

00:26:32.329 --> 00:26:36.190
is... Does he still say that? I don't know. I

00:26:36.190 --> 00:26:38.289
think he does. He probably does. Yeah, I don't

00:26:38.289 --> 00:26:41.970
think he can get off of it. What's your vote,

00:26:42.009 --> 00:26:46.450
Mark? My vote is the snake. And that's just because

00:26:46.450 --> 00:26:50.130
it's miserable if you have to take a dump. And

00:26:50.130 --> 00:26:52.869
you're sitting there and, I mean, your insides

00:26:52.869 --> 00:26:56.250
are about to explode. And you're like, then you

00:26:56.250 --> 00:26:59.150
have that indecision. Should I try to get this

00:26:59.150 --> 00:27:02.529
snake out of here and shit? Or should I try to

00:27:02.529 --> 00:27:04.549
make it to Quick Trip really quick and maybe

00:27:04.549 --> 00:27:10.630
shit myself? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go with

00:27:10.630 --> 00:27:14.309
that one. You know, you gamble and lose. It's

00:27:14.309 --> 00:27:17.349
not fun. Okay, I'm going to have to go and take

00:27:17.349 --> 00:27:21.369
a shit on a nasty toilet. Because at least with

00:27:21.369 --> 00:27:28.450
a snake, you know what's going to kill you. Touche.

00:27:29.250 --> 00:27:31.549
I haven't thought of that. I haven't either.

00:27:31.710 --> 00:27:33.190
I had not thought of that. I'm going to go ahead

00:27:33.190 --> 00:27:34.970
and stick with mine, even though Rob made a lot

00:27:34.970 --> 00:27:41.890
of sense. Yeah, just wish mine too. All right.

00:27:42.430 --> 00:27:45.849
Okay. I'll start off with a kind of a mild one

00:27:45.849 --> 00:27:49.329
here. Okay. Okay. Biggest fear when you wake

00:27:49.329 --> 00:27:53.190
up, remembering that you're out of coffee, or

00:27:53.190 --> 00:27:55.609
remembering that you're out of toilet paper,

00:27:55.750 --> 00:27:59.490
or remembering that you were supposed to be at

00:27:59.490 --> 00:28:06.559
work already. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Even

00:28:06.559 --> 00:28:09.079
though coffee sucks. Everything else you can

00:28:09.079 --> 00:28:11.259
work out, you know, buy coffee on the way, but,

00:28:11.359 --> 00:28:17.660
man. Yeah, we keep our toilet paper in a cabinet

00:28:17.660 --> 00:28:20.160
on the other side of the bathroom. Yeah, that's

00:28:20.160 --> 00:28:23.819
miserable. Oh, my God. That's a lot of ass -clinching

00:28:23.819 --> 00:28:26.299
in there. When you burst open your eye, yeah,

00:28:26.660 --> 00:28:29.559
that's not good. And whenever you clench your

00:28:29.559 --> 00:28:31.299
ass, you don't know if a droplet's going to hit

00:28:31.299 --> 00:28:32.740
the ground, too, and then you've got to clean

00:28:32.740 --> 00:28:38.640
up. Yeah, and then it snurs. Duck walking across

00:28:38.640 --> 00:28:40.500
the house with your pants around your ankles

00:28:40.500 --> 00:28:42.400
trying to find a roll. Then you've got to duck

00:28:42.400 --> 00:28:45.500
walk your ass back. And God forbid you trip yourself.

00:28:46.160 --> 00:28:50.720
And you had chili the night before. Oh, okay.

00:28:51.960 --> 00:28:54.539
That's the winner. Toilet paper is the winner.

00:28:54.640 --> 00:29:00.059
Clear cut. Yeah, landslide. Landslide. All right,

00:29:00.200 --> 00:29:08.119
my next one. Yes, we broke that down really well.

00:29:10.059 --> 00:29:13.259
All right. I think we did examine every point

00:29:13.259 --> 00:29:17.700
of that conversation, didn't we? Pretty much.

00:29:17.759 --> 00:29:22.900
All right. My next one. Greatest fear, breaking

00:29:22.900 --> 00:29:25.700
a remote on a smart TV, which renders it useless.

00:29:27.099 --> 00:29:32.069
Your car stereo is froze on country music. Or

00:29:32.069 --> 00:29:34.210
having to clean the toilet after former Prince

00:29:34.210 --> 00:29:42.390
Andrew used it? Andrew. Prince Andrew. The former.

00:29:42.529 --> 00:29:45.269
Yeah. I would not want to get near a toilet.

00:29:46.009 --> 00:29:52.789
Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Let

00:29:52.789 --> 00:29:56.910
me try. Can you hear me better now? Yeah. Okay.

00:29:58.269 --> 00:30:00.789
Greatest fear. Breaking a remote on a smart TV.

00:30:01.420 --> 00:30:04.059
your car stereo being froze on country music,

00:30:04.279 --> 00:30:06.880
or having to clean the toilet after former Prince

00:30:06.880 --> 00:30:12.500
Andrew used it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, everything

00:30:12.500 --> 00:30:16.960
else I can probably deal with. That, no. Yes.

00:30:20.359 --> 00:30:23.900
Yeah. Yep. Souls of dead babies, I don't know.

00:30:27.640 --> 00:30:33.200
You know, we all did a toilet... It's true. What

00:30:33.200 --> 00:30:50.440
a shitty podcast, huh? All right. Okay, good.

00:30:51.859 --> 00:30:56.200
You got ring around the ass? You got ring around

00:30:56.200 --> 00:31:01.380
the ass? Time to get up? Yeah, you know when

00:31:01.380 --> 00:31:03.339
you walk bow -legged, you sat on it so long.

00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:35.819
Rob, you bastard. I remember the first thing

00:31:35.819 --> 00:31:39.279
you wake him up being that person. That's when

00:31:39.279 --> 00:31:44.480
you're married to the person. Yeah. Shit. I think

00:31:44.480 --> 00:31:46.059
I'm going to go... I think financially why it

00:31:46.059 --> 00:31:49.099
should be better off staying away from being

00:31:49.099 --> 00:31:52.160
Shia LaBeouf because whatever money he's got

00:31:52.160 --> 00:32:07.750
left he's going to lose pretty soon. Yeah. Okay,

00:32:07.829 --> 00:32:09.769
I'm going to say married to a Kardashian because

00:32:09.769 --> 00:32:11.829
I'll just stay away from them as much as I can.

00:32:11.970 --> 00:32:14.230
I'll always be running errands or doing yard

00:32:14.230 --> 00:32:20.970
work or having to go out of town. All right.

00:32:21.730 --> 00:32:28.670
How about you? Well, my choice was to not be

00:32:28.670 --> 00:32:51.700
shy. Waffle House Breakfast with P. Diddy. Oh!

00:32:52.700 --> 00:32:59.859
Oh! Okay, Topher, you bastard. Yeah, I thought

00:32:59.859 --> 00:33:03.220
I was the best. Shit. Oh, my God. What was the

00:33:03.220 --> 00:33:09.799
first one again? What? What was that? Oh, what

00:33:09.799 --> 00:33:19.470
was the first one again? Can we do one bullet?

00:33:20.309 --> 00:33:22.269
Can we do a bullet to the head on one of them?

00:33:22.390 --> 00:33:26.069
No, no. I'm going with the picnic with Hillary

00:33:26.069 --> 00:33:27.650
Clinton because you don't know if you're going

00:33:27.650 --> 00:33:30.710
to come back or not. Yeah, that's a good point.

00:33:30.829 --> 00:33:34.930
Yeah, that's true. If you come back from being

00:33:34.930 --> 00:33:37.170
with D .D., you're going to have a sore butthole.

00:33:37.470 --> 00:33:43.130
But you'll be alive. True, true. And a lot of

00:33:43.130 --> 00:33:50.440
baby lotion. Damn it. That's right. We did. Oh,

00:33:50.559 --> 00:33:55.119
shit. Yeah. Okay. Maybe we need to have a bullet

00:33:55.119 --> 00:33:57.200
in the head for one of them, right? It's like,

00:33:57.279 --> 00:34:01.119
okay, guys, I'm checking out on this one. But,

00:34:01.160 --> 00:34:05.359
okay. Yep. All right. My next greatest fear would

00:34:05.359 --> 00:34:10.119
be having to feed Vince Neil daily, having to

00:34:10.119 --> 00:34:12.159
listen to Neil Young for eight hours straight

00:34:12.159 --> 00:34:16.989
four times a week. Or having to take nudes of

00:34:16.989 --> 00:34:28.489
Mick Jagger? I'm going with Vince Neal. I'll

00:34:28.489 --> 00:34:30.829
throw shit to him like a lion. You know, like

00:34:30.829 --> 00:34:32.550
take a leg of lamb and just throw it at him.

00:34:44.039 --> 00:34:46.280
I wish I could do a British accent. I'd go, do

00:34:46.280 --> 00:34:49.500
you like my butt? Do you like my butt, Topher?

00:34:49.579 --> 00:34:52.719
What do you think? I'm 85. Look at that ass.

00:34:52.820 --> 00:34:55.599
Is that nice and cheeky? Look at that. I could

00:34:55.599 --> 00:34:58.380
just see him doing that. Him, like, bend over.

00:34:58.719 --> 00:35:05.239
Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, I'm going to go

00:35:05.239 --> 00:35:06.780
with Vince Neal because I just want to, like,

00:35:06.780 --> 00:35:08.599
throw, like, a dead deer at him and go, here's

00:35:08.599 --> 00:35:16.099
your food. Hello? All right. You're kind of cutting

00:35:16.099 --> 00:35:18.480
out again. Oh, okay. I said I'm going with Vince

00:35:18.480 --> 00:35:21.579
Neal because I want to throw a dead deer at him

00:35:21.579 --> 00:35:30.360
and go, hey, here's your food, Vince. Have you

00:35:30.360 --> 00:35:32.559
ever been in one of those big pet stores where

00:35:32.559 --> 00:35:34.539
they have the big -ass lizards, like the monitor

00:35:34.539 --> 00:35:36.860
lizards? Yes. And you watch them just throwing

00:35:36.860 --> 00:35:39.360
rats in, and they're snapping them up one after

00:35:39.360 --> 00:35:41.320
another? Yeah, that's right. Before the first

00:35:41.320 --> 00:35:43.550
bounce? Yes. That's Vince Neal. That's how I

00:35:43.550 --> 00:35:45.909
pictured it. You throw him a leg of lamb and

00:35:45.909 --> 00:35:56.530
he goes... It's like, you got my finger, Vince.

00:36:01.309 --> 00:36:08.090
Oh my gosh. We're something tonight. I don't

00:36:08.090 --> 00:36:15.599
know what, but we're something. Okay. What was

00:36:15.599 --> 00:36:19.780
your biggest fear? Being stuck in a little shop

00:36:19.780 --> 00:36:27.119
of horrors? Being stuck with Pennywise? Or being

00:36:27.119 --> 00:36:33.219
stuck with Tujo? Oh. Some of the movies are...

00:36:33.219 --> 00:36:35.460
Little shop of fears. I think I could have a

00:36:35.460 --> 00:36:46.179
little fun there somehow. Some way. Yeah, yes.

00:36:46.460 --> 00:36:49.260
I think your ass is just cooked. Oh, yeah. Pennywise?

00:36:49.320 --> 00:36:54.000
Hell no. No. I would be scared of plants. You

00:36:54.000 --> 00:36:55.500
don't know what the fuck you're going to do.

00:36:56.500 --> 00:37:01.219
Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go with Little Shop

00:37:01.219 --> 00:37:03.500
of Horrors and just take my chances with the

00:37:03.500 --> 00:37:35.329
plant. Yes. True. True. I'm going to stick with

00:37:35.329 --> 00:38:00.880
it. or into a pitch black unexplored cave. Oh.

00:38:01.360 --> 00:38:04.840
Bathroom. Bathroom. I'm going to say cave. That

00:38:04.840 --> 00:38:08.420
would be my biggest fear. Well, you. Okay, bathroom.

00:38:08.559 --> 00:38:10.880
Yeah, because, man, if you're stepping in piss,

00:38:11.099 --> 00:38:16.719
you couldn't get that off of you. Yeah. Yeah,

00:38:16.719 --> 00:38:20.300
it's tough to go against the bathroom. That's

00:38:20.300 --> 00:38:22.360
got to be the worst. And if it's sticky, then

00:38:22.360 --> 00:38:28.670
you're really in trouble. Oh, yeah. Oh, God,

00:38:28.670 --> 00:38:32.010
yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, every disease in

00:38:32.010 --> 00:38:34.789
there is something that humans can catch. Yes,

00:38:34.989 --> 00:38:38.469
that's the problem. Although I am the mad shitter

00:38:38.469 --> 00:38:43.250
in Clinton, Missouri. Allegedly. Allegedly, yes.

00:38:43.550 --> 00:38:49.650
Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly, yes. Okay, my next

00:38:49.650 --> 00:38:53.010
one, this would be the greatest fear. Having

00:38:53.010 --> 00:38:55.809
to walk into an ER and ask the front desk if

00:38:55.809 --> 00:38:59.070
they removed Coke bottles that you inserted anally.

00:39:00.750 --> 00:39:03.510
Having a blood blister on the inside of your

00:39:03.510 --> 00:39:06.889
right nostril. Or having to spit -bathe Elizabeth

00:39:06.889 --> 00:39:15.489
Warren. Elizabeth Warren. Yeah, yeah. That's

00:39:15.489 --> 00:39:17.769
pretty horrid. Oh, God, yeah, yeah. And you'd

00:39:17.769 --> 00:39:24.289
have to spit -bathe her? Oh, no, no, no. Yeah,

00:39:24.289 --> 00:39:28.969
no thank you. You'd have to take like five or

00:39:28.969 --> 00:39:32.550
six of those silkwood baths before you'd feel

00:39:32.550 --> 00:39:35.550
halfway clean. Lye soap, when he began to cut

00:39:35.550 --> 00:39:37.429
it, I would scratch all my skin off and throw

00:39:37.429 --> 00:39:43.150
lye soap on it. And that still wouldn't be enough.

00:40:06.099 --> 00:40:10.480
Okay, this is weird because I'm not afraid of

00:40:10.480 --> 00:40:12.219
Epstein Island because that's all been taken

00:40:12.219 --> 00:40:15.119
off and it's a beautiful island probably. I mean,

00:40:15.119 --> 00:40:17.860
it's tropical. So I'm going to have to go elevator.

00:40:33.139 --> 00:40:35.179
Yeah. You get a little moisture or something.

00:40:35.360 --> 00:40:37.820
You can piss off it and get bored. Yeah. You

00:40:37.820 --> 00:40:42.340
get a drink. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have

00:40:42.340 --> 00:40:44.760
to take a dump. You can walk far away and dump

00:40:44.760 --> 00:40:53.119
over there. Yeah. Shit in the corner. Yeah. Yeah.

00:40:55.320 --> 00:40:59.380
So we'll meet you up there. You're like, don't

00:40:59.380 --> 00:41:02.079
go to that corner. That's the bathroom. Oh, okay.

00:41:02.099 --> 00:41:10.340
Thank you. That's our compost section. What do

00:41:10.340 --> 00:41:43.809
you mean? That's where I shit. Jane Fonda. Yeah,

00:41:43.829 --> 00:41:47.030
they just suck pretty bad. Yeah, yeah. And also,

00:41:47.150 --> 00:41:51.510
I can't stand her anyhow. Honestly, I think her

00:41:51.510 --> 00:41:54.909
best movie was off Golden Dawn. That was back

00:41:54.909 --> 00:41:59.489
in the 80s. I would agree. Ever since then, she's

00:41:59.489 --> 00:42:18.920
got a big nothing. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, yeah,

00:42:18.980 --> 00:42:22.760
same here. Yeah, yeah. Other than that, I mean,

00:42:22.800 --> 00:42:26.380
yeah. I mean, it was okay, but not really my

00:42:26.380 --> 00:42:37.079
thing either, so. Yeah. Steven Seagal movies

00:42:37.079 --> 00:42:39.400
were funny because he couldn't act. He'd go,

00:42:39.500 --> 00:42:44.539
I'm going to kick your ass. That's just stupid

00:42:44.539 --> 00:43:02.630
shit. And what was even funnier is when he got

00:43:02.630 --> 00:43:06.449
fat and he still tried to be a badass. Yeah.

00:43:06.809 --> 00:43:09.389
It's like, dude, it's not working. Don't wear

00:43:09.389 --> 00:43:11.110
those tight clothes. I don't care if they're

00:43:11.110 --> 00:43:16.590
dark. We can still see it. Trust me. All right.

00:43:17.889 --> 00:43:22.250
Next one, my greatest fear, and your guys' too,

00:43:22.449 --> 00:43:28.460
having to test spray for Monsanto. Take a tall

00:43:28.460 --> 00:43:32.780
drink from Bill Cosby or have him to pose for

00:43:32.780 --> 00:43:40.300
Bill Clinton in the blue dress. Sorry, guys.

00:43:42.440 --> 00:43:47.539
You know what? You're right. You'd be alive.

00:43:47.639 --> 00:43:57.010
Your ass would hurt, but you'd be alive. Yeah,

00:43:57.190 --> 00:43:59.650
yeah, yeah. Or have a plane crash or something.

00:44:01.769 --> 00:44:08.210
Allegedly, yeah. Yep. We unraveled that one really

00:44:08.210 --> 00:44:40.929
quick. I'm proud of us. Yeah. Shopping. Oh, shopping.

00:44:41.409 --> 00:44:46.570
Yeah. Money, money, money. There's nothing worse,

00:44:46.630 --> 00:44:48.849
not only money, but there's nothing worse like,

00:44:49.010 --> 00:44:52.889
oh, I'll just be a minute. Oh, yeah. Don't fall

00:44:52.889 --> 00:44:57.130
for that. Don't fall for that. The part that

00:44:57.130 --> 00:44:59.789
really gets me is like creeping down the aisle.

00:44:59.809 --> 00:45:02.070
You take one step and then you stop for like

00:45:02.070 --> 00:45:04.610
15 seconds and you take one more step and you

00:45:04.610 --> 00:45:10.739
stop for a while. I'm always like, where's food

00:45:10.739 --> 00:45:17.000
court? That's it. I'll be here. Call me. Yeah.

00:45:18.619 --> 00:45:21.840
I'll be a sporty good. Yeah, yeah. Call me when

00:45:21.840 --> 00:45:54.420
you're done. I'm going to say lead singer. They're

00:45:54.420 --> 00:46:06.739
obnoxious as fuck. Lead singer disease. Yeah,

00:46:06.800 --> 00:46:14.500
lead singers are a special breed of asshole.

00:46:14.840 --> 00:46:18.969
Not all of them, but a lot of them. See David

00:46:18.969 --> 00:46:26.510
Lee Roth. I've dealt with a guitar player that

00:46:26.510 --> 00:46:28.530
won't turn down, and I've dealt with a bass player

00:46:28.530 --> 00:46:31.710
who is barely conscious. But I've been a little

00:46:31.710 --> 00:46:33.730
luckier than most when it comes to lead singers

00:46:33.730 --> 00:46:35.610
that I've worked with. Most of them have been

00:46:35.610 --> 00:46:38.710
pretty decent people. That's good. If you think

00:46:38.710 --> 00:46:41.710
about it, the other two are pretty much the norm.

00:46:43.289 --> 00:46:48.960
That's true. That's true. A bassist goes, I want

00:46:48.960 --> 00:46:59.159
four strings, not six. All right. My next greatest

00:46:59.159 --> 00:47:02.840
fear would be being Bruce Springsteen's car tube

00:47:02.840 --> 00:47:07.619
alcohol detector, being Oprah Winfrey's foot

00:47:07.619 --> 00:47:16.440
rubber, or undergarment cleaner for Ellen. Sorry,

00:47:16.519 --> 00:47:19.000
guys. I mean, I should have put Bullet on one

00:47:19.000 --> 00:47:21.079
of these. That way we'd have a clear way out,

00:47:21.139 --> 00:47:25.480
but I didn't. I'm sorry. I'm going to say Ellen.

00:47:27.059 --> 00:47:31.840
I want to go with Ellen. Yeah, Ellen. You know,

00:47:31.840 --> 00:47:35.400
Bruce... Yeah, playing Ellen's underwear, yeah.

00:47:36.539 --> 00:47:38.320
You know, Bruce Springsteen... Yeah, you have

00:47:38.320 --> 00:47:40.539
to deal with Oprah. She's going to introduce

00:47:40.539 --> 00:47:43.340
you to some pretty awful people. Yeah. Do you

00:47:43.340 --> 00:47:54.159
have anything to do with Ellen? Yes. Yeah, this

00:47:54.159 --> 00:48:00.239
is true. They're going to look at her and go,

00:48:00.340 --> 00:48:05.980
he's a little old, isn't he? Hey, nothing about

00:48:05.980 --> 00:48:07.980
that. Nothing about that. That never happened.

00:48:12.179 --> 00:48:24.590
All right. Topher, you got another one? Trying

00:48:24.590 --> 00:48:27.329
to fart on the first date, but instead cracking

00:48:27.329 --> 00:48:33.090
your pants. Or taking a 10 -minute nap at work,

00:48:33.130 --> 00:48:35.010
but accidentally sleeping for two and a half

00:48:35.010 --> 00:48:44.349
hours. Date. Date. That's hard to beat. That's

00:48:44.349 --> 00:48:47.030
hard to beat, that one. It really, really is.

00:48:47.969 --> 00:48:52.960
Okay, Topher, do you have any more or not? Do

00:48:52.960 --> 00:48:56.199
you have any more greatest fears or not? I've

00:48:56.199 --> 00:48:58.380
got one more. Okay, I've got two more, but go

00:48:58.380 --> 00:49:00.800
ahead and finish what you're going to say. All

00:49:00.800 --> 00:49:06.659
righty. My last greatest fear. Which would be

00:49:06.659 --> 00:49:09.420
the greatest fear? A creepy doll with eyes that

00:49:09.420 --> 00:49:13.980
follow you? Your TV only playing slasher movies

00:49:13.980 --> 00:49:26.349
when the creepy doll is in the room? I'm going

00:49:26.349 --> 00:49:28.570
to have to go creepy dolls hanging out because

00:49:28.570 --> 00:49:35.429
one of them is bad enough. But a room full. Actually,

00:49:35.929 --> 00:49:42.610
I need friends. I need friends. I cannot see

00:49:42.610 --> 00:49:46.409
anything beautiful in either three of these.

00:49:46.489 --> 00:49:49.829
I want to piss them off by calling them all Chucky.

00:49:55.039 --> 00:50:03.579
Gotcha. All right, my next one, greatest fear,

00:50:03.820 --> 00:50:06.559
would be being the guy that has to pick up David

00:50:06.559 --> 00:50:11.380
Lee Roth's sweaty backstage leather, giving Keith

00:50:11.380 --> 00:50:15.500
Richards a full rectal exam, or having to dispose

00:50:15.500 --> 00:50:18.519
of Rosie O'Donnell's fat right after liposuction.

00:50:21.119 --> 00:50:28.880
I'm going to have to say Rosie. Yes, you're allowed

00:50:28.880 --> 00:50:31.699
to. I was so glad I had that muted when you said

00:50:31.699 --> 00:50:41.199
that. I did throw up in my mouth. Oh, my God,

00:50:41.460 --> 00:50:48.320
guys. Oh, I wish we could have a little... Yeah,

00:50:49.099 --> 00:50:51.559
Rosie. Yeah, I... We could get an advance on

00:50:51.559 --> 00:50:53.679
our none of the above or all of the above kind

00:50:53.679 --> 00:50:58.039
of... We... This is a lesson to us. Don't blow

00:50:58.039 --> 00:51:02.679
your all the above early. Yeah. Yeah, you got

00:51:02.679 --> 00:51:05.639
to save that thing. Once we know you've used

00:51:05.639 --> 00:51:07.639
it, we're going to come up with something. Yes,

00:51:07.639 --> 00:51:10.699
yes, that's the whole idea. They can't get out

00:51:10.699 --> 00:51:16.539
of it. All right, and I've got a final one here,

00:51:16.719 --> 00:51:19.420
and then we'll take our first break. Or, no,

00:51:19.480 --> 00:51:21.260
no, we'll go, wait a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

00:51:21.300 --> 00:51:23.639
we'll take our first break, go into emails, then

00:51:23.639 --> 00:51:26.440
come back and, You guys can hit a couple of stories.

00:51:27.619 --> 00:51:31.719
Yeah. Okay, so the last one of the greatest fear

00:51:31.719 --> 00:51:37.019
would be your job as a Boeing test pilot. Yeah.

00:51:37.800 --> 00:51:42.519
Being reincarnated as a couch cushion for Rosie

00:51:42.519 --> 00:51:47.940
O'Donnell. I know I hit on her two times. Or

00:51:47.940 --> 00:52:03.170
being a beat reporter in Tehran. You know what?

00:52:03.210 --> 00:52:05.849
Yeah. I'm going to have to go with Rosie. Yeah,

00:52:05.949 --> 00:52:08.050
you're right. You would suffer. You would have

00:52:08.050 --> 00:52:11.550
to live through it. That's the problem. Imagine

00:52:11.550 --> 00:52:14.210
having Rosie O'Donnell thrill about a half dozen

00:52:14.210 --> 00:52:16.710
farts into you every night when she watches TV.

00:52:19.030 --> 00:52:21.869
Once again, she has every woman's favorite meal,

00:52:21.889 --> 00:52:28.349
tacos. You're looking at the other cushions and

00:52:28.349 --> 00:52:31.329
you're going, guys, did she put extra refried

00:52:31.329 --> 00:52:42.289
beans? Yeah. And is that hot salsa? Mm -hmm.

00:52:46.309 --> 00:52:49.250
All righty. Let's take our first break, and we

00:52:49.250 --> 00:52:52.329
got quite a few emails. Some of them are pretty

00:52:52.329 --> 00:52:56.349
good, and a little extra thing, too, of emails,

00:52:56.510 --> 00:53:00.150
because we've been doing our polls. on every

00:53:00.150 --> 00:53:03.010
show, you know, and people have written in, but

00:53:03.010 --> 00:53:07.110
I decided to save the best ones for one time

00:53:07.110 --> 00:53:11.269
and we'll do it like once a month. Okay. All

00:53:11.269 --> 00:53:13.769
right. We'll be right back after this, whatever

00:53:13.769 --> 00:53:16.829
this is. And now we look in on the adventures

00:53:16.829 --> 00:53:20.289
of the technical explanation guy. Excuse me,

00:53:20.309 --> 00:53:22.429
sir. Could you please be a good gentleman and

00:53:22.429 --> 00:53:25.989
pass the malt acetic acid my way? Do you mean

00:53:25.989 --> 00:53:29.110
the malt vinegar? Why, yes. Yes, I do mean the

00:53:29.110 --> 00:53:31.849
malt vinegar. Then just say the malt vinegar,

00:53:32.050 --> 00:53:36.150
you dumb buck. Here we go. Signs that you might

00:53:36.150 --> 00:53:47.309
be a pussy. Signs that you might be a pussy.

00:53:49.349 --> 00:53:53.110
If you've ever had Phil Collins or Oingo Boingo

00:53:53.110 --> 00:53:57.340
posters on your wall, If you've ever raised your

00:53:57.340 --> 00:53:59.940
coffee mug or tea glass with your pinky extended.

00:54:01.260 --> 00:54:04.739
If you often lotion up your hands with no apparent

00:54:04.739 --> 00:54:08.199
reason. If you like poached eggs. If you sing

00:54:08.199 --> 00:54:10.780
along to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Or if you have

00:54:10.780 --> 00:54:13.599
ever wore a pair of Crocs, even just trying them

00:54:13.599 --> 00:54:17.280
out, you are a pussy. As much fun as an electric

00:54:17.280 --> 00:54:20.159
can opener to the scrotum, two douchebags and

00:54:20.159 --> 00:54:27.289
a microphone. Mama's so stupid, she thought lightsabers

00:54:27.289 --> 00:54:30.230
were less calories. Now, from his underground

00:54:30.230 --> 00:54:33.250
bunker in Camden, Missouri, stocked full of dried

00:54:33.250 --> 00:54:35.809
goods, canned food, and a couple of vibrating

00:54:35.809 --> 00:54:40.070
toys, is Ramblings of a Madman, featuring Rob

00:54:40.070 --> 00:54:44.210
Rad. Batman would look ridiculous solving crime

00:54:44.210 --> 00:54:49.369
on a sunny day. Hey there, slap nuts. It's time

00:54:49.369 --> 00:54:54.860
for the Creeps Music News. Hey, my little pumpkin

00:54:54.860 --> 00:54:57.579
seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol with your music

00:54:57.579 --> 00:55:02.840
news. Remember the 70s rock band Angel? Yep,

00:55:02.840 --> 00:55:06.500
those guys. All dressed in white with the logo

00:55:06.500 --> 00:55:12.340
that read Angel, Upside or Down. Yes, those guys.

00:55:12.780 --> 00:55:16.480
Well, they have a final album in the works with

00:55:16.480 --> 00:55:20.219
a final tour. No date set yet, but the album

00:55:20.219 --> 00:55:24.289
is coming out this summer. This is Johnny Rohypnol.

00:55:24.610 --> 00:55:27.849
That was your music news. And remember, bar chords

00:55:27.849 --> 00:55:34.590
are bullshit. Hey, look. I think we found land.

00:55:34.849 --> 00:55:39.090
Oh, my God. I think we're safe. Oh, no. It's

00:55:39.090 --> 00:55:47.329
the island of horrible jokes. Where do polar

00:55:47.329 --> 00:55:56.150
bears keep their money? In a snow bank. Miss

00:55:56.150 --> 00:55:58.130
Gulkenstein was tired of Mark and Toe for making

00:55:58.130 --> 00:56:00.789
sport of her. Little did the douchebags know,

00:56:00.829 --> 00:56:03.409
Miss Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess

00:56:03.409 --> 00:56:06.929
when she was younger. She grew angry and cast

00:56:06.929 --> 00:56:09.989
a spell on Rob, changing Rob into a capuchin

00:56:09.989 --> 00:56:14.570
monkey. Mark took Rob to a local zoo so he could

00:56:14.570 --> 00:56:16.949
be with the other monkeys. Here are the adventures

00:56:16.949 --> 00:56:24.380
of Rob, the capuchin monkey. Be very quiet. We're

00:56:24.380 --> 00:56:26.679
going to listen in as Rob, the capuchin monkey,

00:56:26.840 --> 00:56:28.840
tries to sell the rest of the capuchin monkeys

00:56:28.840 --> 00:56:31.980
Amway. Rob has always dreamed of becoming a diamond

00:56:31.980 --> 00:56:56.250
status Amway as a capuchin monkey. Little did

00:56:56.250 --> 00:57:00.010
our hero Rob know. All the great apes owned stock

00:57:00.010 --> 00:57:02.349
in Sam's Club and became violently pissed off

00:57:02.349 --> 00:57:04.190
when he tried to infringe on their territory.

00:57:04.610 --> 00:57:07.030
They promptly grabbed switches and beat his ass

00:57:07.030 --> 00:57:09.690
for three days straight. Rob could not sit down.

00:57:10.610 --> 00:57:16.610
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell. Man, Axel

00:57:16.610 --> 00:57:21.670
Rose is such a great childhood therapist. I hope

00:57:21.670 --> 00:57:26.159
he writes more books. Hey, peeps. It's time for

00:57:26.159 --> 00:57:29.579
the police blotter. That's right, stories about

00:57:29.579 --> 00:57:33.760
stupid criminals and the dumbassness that ensued.

00:57:34.159 --> 00:57:38.920
Let us begin now. Dean Young, 26, entered a parked

00:57:38.920 --> 00:57:41.699
landscaping van in Hialeah, Florida, allegedly

00:57:41.699 --> 00:57:44.920
to steal the tools in the inside. He accidentally

00:57:44.920 --> 00:57:47.219
locked himself inside the van and begins screaming

00:57:47.219 --> 00:57:49.440
for someone to let him out. The landscapers heard

00:57:49.440 --> 00:57:51.460
the man's screams and promptly called the police

00:57:51.460 --> 00:57:53.260
where he was arrested for breaking and entering

00:57:53.260 --> 00:57:56.380
a vehicle and for attempted theft. This guy gets

00:57:56.380 --> 00:58:13.539
a stupid pendant pronto. This is the Douchebag

00:58:13.539 --> 00:58:16.800
Gangbang. Welcome back. I am Mark here in the

00:58:16.800 --> 00:58:19.800
southern tip of the Kansas City Metroplex and

00:58:19.800 --> 00:58:22.699
surrounding areas at the Talk is Cheap studio.

00:58:28.179 --> 00:58:56.550
Yes. I didn't say anything about his penis. Thank

00:58:56.550 --> 00:59:19.969
you. Thank you. Good point. You don't have to

00:59:19.969 --> 00:59:22.449
make lemonade. You can leave those fucking things.

00:59:23.110 --> 00:59:41.730
Yeah. And available 24 hours a day. All right,

00:59:41.750 --> 00:59:47.570
we got... Yeah, yeah. All right. At least it's

00:59:47.570 --> 00:59:55.199
not Folgers or Maxwell House. Ooh, yeah, yeah,

00:59:55.239 --> 00:59:59.199
that's good coffee. The yellow bag, those are

00:59:59.199 --> 01:00:01.480
nice. Yeah, they are. That's my favorite. Is

01:00:01.480 --> 01:00:06.099
that like a, what, I forgot, I forgot what mix

01:00:06.099 --> 01:00:09.099
that is, but oh well, I like it. All right, we

01:00:09.099 --> 01:00:13.780
got some emails. First one, USA Auto in St. Louis

01:00:13.780 --> 01:00:16.739
checking in. We love all the shows under your

01:00:16.739 --> 01:00:19.219
umbrella, but the gangbang makes my jaw hurt

01:00:19.219 --> 01:00:25.119
from laughing. Welcome. Please keep it up. Ron

01:00:25.119 --> 01:00:29.780
in St. Louis. So our St. Louis base has grown

01:00:29.780 --> 01:00:32.360
considerably. Thank you, Ron. Please keep spreading

01:00:32.360 --> 01:00:36.280
the word. Yes. Yeah, St. Louis is starting to

01:00:36.280 --> 01:00:38.139
get a little bit of a hotbed, which is great

01:00:38.139 --> 01:00:40.179
because, you know, we're Missouri -based too.

01:00:40.300 --> 01:00:43.340
So, you know, welcome, neighbors. We appreciate

01:00:43.340 --> 01:00:48.099
it. We have people that travel from Kansas City

01:00:48.099 --> 01:00:51.079
to St. Louis that will tell people, you know,

01:00:51.079 --> 01:00:55.050
yeah. I go there to throw my trash out. No, I'm

01:00:55.050 --> 01:00:59.949
joking. We love St. Louis. We love St. Louis.

01:01:00.809 --> 01:01:04.630
All right, next one. Sure am happy Topher got

01:01:04.630 --> 01:01:07.489
a headset. You have no idea how annoying it was

01:01:07.489 --> 01:01:10.130
turning the volume up and down. So I didn't get

01:01:10.130 --> 01:01:12.809
my ears blown out, and I got to hear Topher.

01:01:12.949 --> 01:01:15.730
Thanks for all the entertainment, Ross in Dallas.

01:01:17.030 --> 01:01:20.389
All right, I love you, Ross. Ross, we love you.

01:01:20.510 --> 01:01:21.889
Yeah, the headset, man, has made all the difference

01:01:21.889 --> 01:01:37.010
it really has. You sound great. Ross, thank you

01:01:37.010 --> 01:01:39.949
so much, man. We love you. Now we know Mark's

01:01:39.949 --> 01:01:42.289
hands are busy, but you know. Well, yeah, yeah.

01:01:42.929 --> 01:01:45.190
Hey, man, something's got to keep my nuts warm.

01:01:47.050 --> 01:01:50.250
Mark's got dick hands. I got dick hands, that's

01:01:50.250 --> 01:01:55.440
right. I re -listened to that. I re -listen to

01:01:55.440 --> 01:01:57.059
that, and we're all getting our little quips

01:01:57.059 --> 01:01:59.340
in. And when you re -listen to the show, you

01:01:59.340 --> 01:02:04.239
hear them, and it's like, ho, ho, ho. Good old

01:02:04.239 --> 01:02:07.679
slimy dick hands. Cold, clammy, slimy dick hands.

01:02:07.860 --> 01:02:16.059
All right. The next one. Thank you, Ross. We

01:02:16.059 --> 01:02:21.340
love you. All right. This letter is for the gangbang.

01:02:21.559 --> 01:02:26.329
I have the greatest threat. Cool. One, having

01:02:26.329 --> 01:02:28.710
to listen to every episode of Two Fuck Nuts and

01:02:28.710 --> 01:02:37.349
a Recorder. Two, having to remove tics from Mitch's

01:02:37.349 --> 01:02:45.389
armpits. Or three, drink Chris Collinworth bath

01:02:45.389 --> 01:02:49.630
water. Tony in Tennessee came up with that gem.

01:02:51.230 --> 01:03:02.420
Wow. Me too. That's my biggest fear. I don't

01:03:02.420 --> 01:03:04.980
want to hear them. They suck. I don't either.

01:03:05.280 --> 01:03:10.079
The rumors are true. I could probably listen

01:03:10.079 --> 01:03:14.000
to an episode or two, but after that, no, I couldn't

01:03:14.000 --> 01:03:16.300
take it. I have an out -of -body experience.

01:03:16.840 --> 01:03:18.920
Especially since we know the rumors are true.

01:03:19.440 --> 01:03:28.349
That brings a whole different thing to it. Yeah,

01:03:28.349 --> 01:03:30.510
yeah, yeah. Let's just say rumors to protect

01:03:30.510 --> 01:03:35.849
ourselves. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yep. And also, we

01:03:35.849 --> 01:03:38.030
don't do our podcast from our mom's basement,

01:03:38.150 --> 01:03:42.449
allegedly, right? In Buckner, Missouri, in their

01:03:42.449 --> 01:03:48.949
mom's basement. So, yeah. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly.

01:03:49.849 --> 01:03:52.349
All right. Mark, how are you doing post -COVID?

01:03:52.750 --> 01:03:54.690
Teresa in New Jersey. I don't know. How do you

01:03:54.690 --> 01:03:57.110
think I'm doing? I think I'm doing pretty good.

01:04:01.130 --> 01:04:04.269
Yeah, yeah, NyQuil. Thank you, Teresa. I appreciate

01:04:04.269 --> 01:04:06.449
the concern. Everything's good here. Thank you.

01:04:08.110 --> 01:04:11.070
Next one. Douchebags, I really need a good potato

01:04:11.070 --> 01:04:20.190
soup recipe. Please and thank you. You're the

01:04:20.190 --> 01:04:25.110
best. Tully in Gainesville. Yeah, Campbell's.

01:04:35.940 --> 01:04:45.840
True. Mm -hmm. Okay, I never thought of that,

01:04:45.900 --> 01:04:49.579
but I guess it would fit in, wouldn't it? Yeah.

01:05:00.690 --> 01:05:03.210
Yeah, let's not clog it up and make it a stew

01:05:03.210 --> 01:05:06.630
instead of potato soup, too. Right. Yeah, you

01:05:06.630 --> 01:05:08.409
put too much shit in it, it's not even potato

01:05:08.409 --> 01:05:11.030
soup anymore. It's like some sort of stew with

01:05:11.030 --> 01:05:15.969
potatoes in it. Right. It's a casserole at that

01:05:15.969 --> 01:05:21.090
point. Yeah, it's a floating casserole. It's

01:05:21.090 --> 01:05:26.730
a runny casserole. Tully, we hope we answered

01:05:26.730 --> 01:05:33.059
your question. All right, and thank you. All

01:05:33.059 --> 01:05:36.539
right, Mark. What was the name of the hotel in

01:05:36.539 --> 01:05:38.800
Fort Lauderdale that has the mysterious cross

01:05:38.800 --> 01:05:41.980
that washed up? We want to go visit it. I tried

01:05:41.980 --> 01:05:44.559
to find that show, but it cuts off after five

01:05:44.559 --> 01:05:47.960
seasons. Yeah, we know. Ronnie and Tulsa, the

01:05:47.960 --> 01:05:53.480
Tulsa King. It is named Ocean Manor, and there's

01:05:53.480 --> 01:05:57.300
nothing we can do about the five seasons. The

01:05:57.300 --> 01:05:59.400
other six seasons cut off. There's nothing we

01:05:59.400 --> 01:06:01.800
can do about it. I mean, there's only so much

01:06:01.800 --> 01:06:06.079
space we're allotted. And we tried a website

01:06:06.079 --> 01:06:09.260
before, and it just does not generate any interest.

01:06:09.360 --> 01:06:13.800
It's not worth it. So, I mean, if you ever, Ronnie,

01:06:13.920 --> 01:06:16.539
because we love you and you've been here since

01:06:16.539 --> 01:06:20.219
day one, if you ever need an episode, tell me

01:06:20.219 --> 01:06:23.400
what it is. I'll send it to you in an MP3 file

01:06:23.400 --> 01:06:28.349
or whatever you need. So, thank you, Ronnie.

01:06:29.590 --> 01:06:35.550
He's royalty, too. He's like Ross. All right,

01:06:35.670 --> 01:06:39.710
next one. Can someone get a photo of that hideous

01:06:39.710 --> 01:06:42.530
monument you guys make fun of? I listen to every

01:06:42.530 --> 01:06:48.309
episode, Jerry Willis and Little Rock. Next time

01:06:48.309 --> 01:06:59.000
I'm near there, I'll get a photo of it. Damn

01:06:59.000 --> 01:07:01.260
it. I wish I would have read this. I had to go

01:07:01.260 --> 01:07:03.199
to Sutherlands and Harrisonville to get a gate.

01:07:04.199 --> 01:07:06.760
I wish I would have read this then, because then

01:07:06.760 --> 01:07:09.159
I could have dropped off on 2 Highway and took

01:07:09.159 --> 01:07:12.739
a picture. But one of us will get one for you,

01:07:12.780 --> 01:07:19.059
Jerry. So thank you. Yeah, we'll put it on the

01:07:19.059 --> 01:07:23.460
Facebook page. Yeah, yep, yep. And then you can

01:07:23.460 --> 01:07:27.059
go there and get it, Jerry. Thank you. Topher

01:07:27.059 --> 01:07:29.650
or Mark? Could one of you please start posting

01:07:29.650 --> 01:07:33.349
what segments on each show being released, please?

01:07:34.530 --> 01:07:37.530
Let's see, and what else? It would make it much

01:07:37.530 --> 01:07:41.869
easier to find a segment, Julie in Oregon. I'm

01:07:41.869 --> 01:07:43.809
going to start doing that. I just got to take

01:07:43.809 --> 01:07:47.280
more time, which I don't generally have. And

01:07:47.280 --> 01:07:49.940
I'm going to have to figure out, I think what

01:07:49.940 --> 01:07:51.860
I need to do is start writing down the segments,

01:07:52.000 --> 01:07:54.000
and that way when I go to put the show together,

01:07:54.320 --> 01:07:57.460
all I've got to do is just type them in. So I'm

01:07:57.460 --> 01:07:58.920
going to start doing something like that, Julie,

01:07:59.119 --> 01:08:01.480
you're right. That way people know if they want

01:08:01.480 --> 01:08:03.280
to find a certain segment, they can look and

01:08:03.280 --> 01:08:05.840
go, oh, here it is. Here's that story about that

01:08:05.840 --> 01:08:10.079
hamster biting Mark's ass, you know, or whatever.

01:08:11.659 --> 01:08:15.719
So yeah, yeah, we'll do that. All right. We've

01:08:15.719 --> 01:08:18.159
had these polls going on for, what, about two

01:08:18.159 --> 01:08:24.180
months now, you think? Yeah. Yeah, about two

01:08:24.180 --> 01:08:27.140
months. And people have been answering them,

01:08:27.140 --> 01:08:29.619
but what we chose to do was this right here.

01:08:29.979 --> 01:08:32.779
Give them all to you at once. And this isn't

01:08:32.779 --> 01:08:36.020
all of them. What this is is just a best of.

01:08:36.750 --> 01:08:39.550
Because everybody, we record them all. We see

01:08:39.550 --> 01:08:41.649
them, we read them, and we enjoy them. So keep

01:08:41.649 --> 01:08:44.409
sending them in. We just, because of time -wise,

01:08:44.550 --> 01:08:47.189
we can't tell all of them. But thank you, everybody

01:08:47.189 --> 01:08:49.510
that wrote in. Please keep writing them in. And

01:08:49.510 --> 01:08:53.310
I'm going to eventually do a percentage of each

01:08:53.310 --> 01:08:56.590
one of these questions. After about two months,

01:08:56.750 --> 01:09:00.210
I'll tell the percentage of how many people went

01:09:00.210 --> 01:09:02.869
this way, how many people went that way, and

01:09:02.869 --> 01:09:06.130
all that. That sound about right, guys? Yeah.

01:09:07.289 --> 01:09:09.829
Okay. All right. The first one. Hey, guys, my

01:09:09.829 --> 01:09:13.029
two cents. Tipping is way out of control. I almost

01:09:13.029 --> 01:09:15.529
have to tip the fucking stoplight down the street.

01:09:17.590 --> 01:09:20.090
What next? Tip an officer when he gives you a

01:09:20.090 --> 01:09:22.890
speeding ticket? I don't order takeout anymore

01:09:22.890 --> 01:09:25.810
because I'm sick of the money grab. Lisa in Alabama.

01:09:27.310 --> 01:09:44.470
I couldn't agree more. Yes. You know, if they

01:09:44.470 --> 01:09:47.210
just do their normal job, then, you know, you

01:09:47.210 --> 01:09:49.470
don't have to tip them because it's taken care

01:09:49.470 --> 01:09:53.210
of. I'd be right to go back to that. Yeah, me

01:09:53.210 --> 01:09:57.630
too. Yeah. Yeah, Lisa. I do have to admit, my

01:09:57.630 --> 01:10:02.329
son did tip a police officer last night. Yes,

01:10:02.329 --> 01:10:08.250
he did. Okay. That could be taking his bribery.

01:11:17.579 --> 01:11:20.239
That's really cool of him. Good for him. Good.

01:11:20.439 --> 01:11:23.340
Well, there was a lot more to the story, just

01:11:23.340 --> 01:11:27.520
saying. I mean, if you want to tell it later,

01:11:27.600 --> 01:11:39.039
that's fine. That's very cool. All right. That's

01:11:39.039 --> 01:12:03.720
pretty awesome. All right. Next one. Not a single

01:12:03.720 --> 01:12:07.800
bit. It's kind of weird that you have a death

01:12:07.800 --> 01:12:10.399
penalty but rarely use it. It's like, why have

01:12:10.399 --> 01:12:20.930
it? Yeah. Either do it in a timely fashion or

01:12:20.930 --> 01:12:22.689
you don't. I don't know why, because the state's

01:12:22.689 --> 01:12:25.010
just gathering the money on it. There's quite

01:12:25.010 --> 01:12:27.829
the money on that person sitting there. That's

01:12:27.829 --> 01:12:30.470
a great point. That's true. Think about it. And

01:12:30.470 --> 01:12:36.210
you got 20, 25 years free? Yeah. Yeah, good point.

01:12:37.350 --> 01:12:49.939
Yep. Exactly. That's why they keep them alive.

01:12:50.539 --> 01:12:53.199
That's why I... Yeah, they get so much money

01:12:53.199 --> 01:12:55.939
per... It's kind of like schools. They get so

01:12:55.939 --> 01:12:59.880
much money per head. So... Yeah, and all they

01:12:59.880 --> 01:13:03.460
got to do is throw you in a little 8x8 room and

01:13:03.460 --> 01:13:08.239
give you three meals a day. Yeah, yep. Uh -huh.

01:13:08.340 --> 01:13:13.500
Yep. All right, next one. No last meal to...

01:13:13.500 --> 01:13:16.020
Oh, shit. Okay, no, this is the same one. Okay.

01:13:16.510 --> 01:13:18.909
No last meal to any convicted person on death

01:13:18.909 --> 01:13:21.470
row. You gave up all your rights when you committed

01:13:21.470 --> 01:13:24.810
the act that sent you to prison. Boss in D .C.

01:13:25.989 --> 01:13:29.250
Can't argue with that. Yeah, that seems like

01:13:29.250 --> 01:13:33.350
an odd kind of tradition is to let them pick

01:13:33.350 --> 01:13:37.130
their own last meal. I don't know. Did the victim

01:13:37.130 --> 01:13:40.789
get to pick their last meal? Nope. That's a good

01:13:40.789 --> 01:13:49.340
point. Yeah, yep. I agree with you don't make

01:13:49.340 --> 01:13:52.920
it any more cruel than necessarily, but you also

01:13:52.920 --> 01:13:57.279
don't have to pat him on the head and say, it'll

01:13:57.279 --> 01:13:59.079
be all right, you weren't such a bad person.

01:13:59.359 --> 01:14:01.220
Let's give you a birthday party. You're going

01:14:01.220 --> 01:14:05.500
through a confusing time. You don't get three

01:14:05.500 --> 01:14:09.079
slabs of ribs and a whole chicken for the last

01:14:09.079 --> 01:14:18.069
meal. And that's one of the problems. Here's

01:14:18.069 --> 01:14:21.949
an idea. If the family wants to pay for it, they

01:14:21.949 --> 01:14:26.489
get to have a last meal like that. There you

01:14:26.489 --> 01:14:44.430
go. Fair enough. Yeah, while they eat it. And

01:14:44.430 --> 01:14:46.770
like I said, this is not all of them. Keep sending

01:14:46.770 --> 01:14:48.149
them in. We're going to give you percentages

01:14:48.149 --> 01:14:50.949
a little bit later on. Thank you, guys. We appreciate

01:14:50.949 --> 01:14:55.369
the influx of people writing in about this. All

01:14:55.369 --> 01:15:00.069
right. No way would I let anyone that I didn't

01:15:00.069 --> 01:15:03.430
trust with the end -of -the -world info. People

01:15:03.430 --> 01:15:06.869
cannot be trusted. Joshua Clayton in Knoxville.

01:15:07.470 --> 01:15:10.550
And that was, if anyone doesn't remember, that's

01:15:10.550 --> 01:15:15.399
the... decoded a message from outer space, and

01:15:15.399 --> 01:15:18.720
they said, we're coming to kill you guys next

01:15:18.720 --> 01:15:22.539
Tuesday. Would you alert anybody if you knew

01:15:22.539 --> 01:15:25.119
you were going to die with everyone else, or

01:15:25.119 --> 01:15:27.340
would you keep your mouth shut because, you know,

01:15:27.359 --> 01:15:31.140
people would go around and do stupid shit? Wow.

01:15:32.939 --> 01:15:35.380
Yeah, I think I'd keep my mouth shut. I'd just

01:15:35.380 --> 01:15:41.000
be like, you know what? Because think about it.

01:15:41.000 --> 01:15:43.760
People be doing everything, man. Killing people,

01:15:43.920 --> 01:15:49.239
looting, whatever they wanted. I definitely...

01:15:49.239 --> 01:15:55.479
Okay, let me get a little deeper. Okay. As a

01:15:55.479 --> 01:16:01.140
parent, I don't think I could kill my kids. I

01:16:01.140 --> 01:16:05.680
really don't. Yeah. Ooh, that is a great point,

01:16:05.680 --> 01:16:19.500
Bob. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I would

01:16:19.500 --> 01:16:22.720
do. I mean, because, yeah, that'd be hard to

01:16:22.720 --> 01:16:26.000
swallow. It really would. I like that idea. Like,

01:16:26.100 --> 01:16:29.539
here, go have fun. Hey, hey, I've been thinking

01:16:29.539 --> 01:16:32.460
a lot of death lately, so yeah, you know, get

01:16:32.460 --> 01:16:52.420
my... Yeah. The prime of their life, and you've

01:16:52.420 --> 01:16:54.319
got to tell them, hey, it's all over coming up

01:16:54.319 --> 01:16:57.020
Tuesday. Tell your kids we're all going to die.

01:16:58.399 --> 01:17:00.640
Oh, my God, that'd be horrible. That would be

01:17:00.640 --> 01:17:03.739
horrible. That would suck. I would have to keep

01:17:03.739 --> 01:17:10.479
it to myself and my kids. Honestly. Which, if

01:17:10.479 --> 01:17:14.619
I was the only one to know about it, yeah. But

01:17:14.619 --> 01:17:18.380
if it gets out, hey. I love that question, by

01:17:18.380 --> 01:17:20.789
the way. I thought that was great. That's awesome.

01:17:21.149 --> 01:17:24.630
Yeah. That is awesome. Yeah, that gives me a

01:17:24.630 --> 01:17:27.130
chance to go deep instead of being the funny

01:17:27.130 --> 01:17:30.930
ha -ha man. That's true. You know? True. Yep.

01:17:31.289 --> 01:17:33.970
And by the way, Topper, I loved your story a

01:17:33.970 --> 01:17:36.590
while ago. You're stepping up to the plate, bud.

01:17:37.069 --> 01:17:43.390
Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Yep. All right. Let's

01:17:43.390 --> 01:17:44.729
go ahead and take our second break. Then we're

01:17:44.729 --> 01:17:47.109
going to come back. Rob's story. Topher's story,

01:17:47.289 --> 01:17:49.210
and then we'll see if we get to one of mine.

01:17:50.810 --> 01:17:54.250
Alright. Alright, well, we shall be right back,

01:17:54.430 --> 01:18:14.000
whether you like it or not. You look like a mentally

01:18:14.000 --> 01:18:16.539
slow driv yelling into thin air all through the

01:18:16.539 --> 01:18:19.220
store. I pray that Bluetooth shorts out and blows

01:18:19.220 --> 01:18:22.300
up your eardrums. One may consider self -centered

01:18:22.300 --> 01:18:25.140
dunce. Monty constantly coddled this dummy and

01:18:25.140 --> 01:18:27.420
it fucking shows. Go look back home and bore

01:18:27.420 --> 01:18:29.899
your dog. Wait, you probably forgot the thieving

01:18:29.899 --> 01:18:31.640
because you're too busy looking in the mirror

01:18:31.640 --> 01:18:37.359
all day. Fuck off. Hey there. We all have those

01:18:37.359 --> 01:18:41.020
annoying co -workers that do nothing. There's

01:18:41.020 --> 01:18:43.300
nothing we can do about it because HR departments

01:18:43.300 --> 01:18:46.399
are running scared of lawyers. So we have to

01:18:46.399 --> 01:18:48.159
work with these worthless pieces of garbage.

01:18:48.760 --> 01:18:51.659
But we have to communicate about them without

01:18:51.659 --> 01:18:54.399
them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags

01:18:54.399 --> 01:18:56.500
Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak

01:18:56.500 --> 01:18:58.699
about them right in front of them without them

01:18:58.699 --> 01:19:02.520
knowing about it. Stay tuned. Cordless only works

01:19:02.520 --> 01:19:08.319
40 minutes. E .T. always wants to go home. Kit

01:19:08.319 --> 01:19:12.520
Kat always taking a break. Muffler always exhausted.

01:19:12.840 --> 01:19:18.239
Seaweed floats around all day. Sensor light only

01:19:18.239 --> 01:19:23.399
works when someone walks by. Wheelbarrow only

01:19:23.399 --> 01:19:28.180
works when pushed. This is Joshua Belmont, your

01:19:28.180 --> 01:19:30.979
food for thought man on the hustle. So I just

01:19:30.979 --> 01:19:33.239
realized a genius that gets absolutely no credit.

01:19:33.560 --> 01:19:36.619
His name is Marshall Taylor. He's credited with

01:19:36.619 --> 01:19:38.680
the first bag of salad mix that was bagged and

01:19:38.680 --> 01:19:42.970
sold. Yesterday. was his birthday. I believe

01:19:42.970 --> 01:19:45.750
he is still alive. This guy's genius will never

01:19:45.750 --> 01:19:49.050
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled

01:19:49.050 --> 01:19:51.470
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons

01:19:51.470 --> 01:19:54.470
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with

01:19:54.470 --> 01:19:57.869
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana

01:19:57.869 --> 01:19:59.750
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,

01:20:00.069 --> 01:20:02.289
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,

01:20:02.470 --> 01:20:05.069
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine

01:20:05.069 --> 01:20:08.989
lettuce for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should

01:20:08.989 --> 01:20:13.220
have a national holiday. Here at 2 Douchebag

01:20:13.220 --> 01:20:15.760
Central, we needed a voice for common sense,

01:20:15.939 --> 01:20:19.279
since none of us fit that bill. We opted for

01:20:19.279 --> 01:20:25.159
another voice. So here I am, Mr. Buford T. Rasputin.

01:20:26.100 --> 01:20:29.760
DeCarlos Brown Jr. in late 2025 was released

01:20:29.760 --> 01:20:33.159
on a promise to appear by Magistrate Judge Teresa

01:20:33.159 --> 01:20:38.760
Stokes, despite having 14 prior arrests. Following

01:20:38.760 --> 01:20:42.279
his release, he stabbed to death Irina Zarytska

01:20:42.279 --> 01:20:46.119
to death at a light rail station. Jason Ayala,

01:20:46.340 --> 01:20:51.000
New York, New York. In January 2025, Judge Robert

01:20:51.000 --> 01:20:54.600
Rosehensel granted Ayala supervised release while

01:20:54.600 --> 01:20:57.180
he was awaiting violent forced robbery charges.

01:20:57.659 --> 01:21:01.159
The following day, Ayala allegedly committed

01:21:01.159 --> 01:21:04.640
a sexual assault spree, molesting two children.

01:21:05.020 --> 01:21:08.140
and three adult women within a 30 -minute window.

01:21:08.800 --> 01:21:11.779
There are literally hundreds more over that span

01:21:11.779 --> 01:21:14.720
of a couple of years. So that's where this fine

01:21:14.720 --> 01:21:19.060
show comes in. We introduce to you the Adopt

01:21:19.060 --> 01:21:22.619
-a -Judge program. This would be a true way to

01:21:22.619 --> 01:21:25.060
measure if a judge is willing to guarantee the

01:21:25.060 --> 01:21:28.439
criminal has reformed. The program is simple.

01:21:28.760 --> 01:21:32.140
A judge lets a violent criminal out early or

01:21:32.140 --> 01:21:35.369
on a signature bond or whatever. The said judge

01:21:35.369 --> 01:21:38.770
has to sign responsibility papers to ensure that

01:21:38.770 --> 01:21:41.789
his convict will not partake in heinous acts.

01:21:42.149 --> 01:21:45.010
The released convict would also have to live

01:21:45.010 --> 01:21:48.149
with that judge until the victim's family okays

01:21:48.149 --> 01:21:51.229
the person for a regular life and can leave the

01:21:51.229 --> 01:21:56.050
judge's dwelling. This has been Buford T. Rasputin

01:21:56.050 --> 01:21:59.810
signing off with your Common Sense Moment. Get

01:21:59.810 --> 01:22:02.189
on out of here so mama can make some pancakes,

01:22:02.529 --> 01:22:06.079
boy. Hey, my fellow heavy breathers. This is

01:22:06.079 --> 01:22:11.859
Dash Riptide. Your music news. Hey, check it

01:22:11.859 --> 01:22:14.359
out. Iron Maiden finally gets nominated for the

01:22:14.359 --> 01:22:16.560
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Like it means anything

01:22:16.560 --> 01:22:19.420
at this point. Blaze Bailey has been added to

01:22:19.420 --> 01:22:21.699
the names to be inducted with Maiden if they

01:22:21.699 --> 01:22:25.399
should get in. And they should. It's just 30

01:22:25.399 --> 01:22:28.399
years fucking late. That's all. Good luck and

01:22:28.399 --> 01:22:32.880
up the irons, kids. This is Dash Riptide. And

01:22:32.880 --> 01:22:36.220
that was your music news. If it's too loud, you'd

01:22:36.220 --> 01:22:45.819
probably have ear damage, just like me. These

01:22:45.819 --> 01:22:48.779
guys are inviting as a used hypodermic needle.

01:23:04.199 --> 01:23:07.800
This is the Douchebag Gangbang. I had to think

01:23:07.800 --> 01:23:09.619
about it for a second. We have four shows going

01:23:09.619 --> 01:23:12.460
on here, so forgive me. This is the Douchebag

01:23:12.460 --> 01:23:15.640
Gangbang, and I am Mark in the Kansas City area,

01:23:15.859 --> 01:23:19.119
the extreme southern tip of the Metroplex, at

01:23:19.119 --> 01:24:07.569
the Talk is Cheap studio. Yep, it would have

01:24:07.569 --> 01:24:12.010
still been alive if it slept in, right? Topher,

01:24:12.029 --> 01:24:14.109
I want to know this. Like, if your butt gets

01:24:14.109 --> 01:24:16.069
cold, do you just, like, walk up to the space

01:24:16.069 --> 01:24:24.489
heater and kind of warm your ass? Oh, okay, forget

01:24:24.489 --> 01:24:31.140
it. No, I remember being a kid and coming in

01:24:31.140 --> 01:24:33.420
and going up to the register and, like, warming

01:24:33.420 --> 01:24:38.399
my ass going, shit, it's cold. Yeah. Oh, well.

01:24:38.460 --> 01:24:40.600
I guess I'm the only one that did that. I'm sorry.

01:24:41.100 --> 01:25:05.119
Anyhow, Rob, go ahead. Well, I mean, he is getting

01:25:05.119 --> 01:25:08.180
an ass paddling. You know what that means? Yep.

01:25:08.399 --> 01:25:12.920
Cat paddling. He's Hall of Fame. Hall of Fame.

01:25:13.199 --> 01:25:16.539
Yeah. He made it. He has made it. You're right,

01:25:16.680 --> 01:25:21.479
Shy. And I get really patient when I say this.

01:25:21.500 --> 01:25:28.010
It's the fourth story in four weeks. Yeah. He's

01:25:28.010 --> 01:25:29.909
going to end up dead. I hate saying that, and

01:25:29.909 --> 01:25:32.710
I don't like saying that, but he is the atypical

01:25:32.710 --> 01:25:35.829
star that ends up doing something stupid that

01:25:35.829 --> 01:25:38.470
takes their life, whether on purpose or not.

01:25:42.970 --> 01:26:01.229
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. They'd

01:26:01.229 --> 01:26:05.189
be arm wrestling over who gets his asshole. Yeah.

01:26:07.670 --> 01:29:32.869
That being said, go ahead, Rob. Yeah. Yeah, I

01:29:32.869 --> 01:30:29.029
think you're right. There's too much... But he

01:30:29.029 --> 01:30:33.329
needs help. He's a great actor. He's a really

01:30:33.329 --> 01:30:37.810
great actor. Nobody can deny him of that. I mean,

01:30:37.850 --> 01:30:42.310
his role in Lawless, that's one of my favorite

01:30:42.310 --> 01:30:47.289
movies by him, is Lawless. He's awesome. I would

01:30:47.289 --> 01:30:59.600
agree. Oh, go ahead. Well, and also, Hollywood's

01:30:59.600 --> 01:31:03.979
going to stray. Hollywood's going to stay away

01:31:03.979 --> 01:31:05.960
from him because of all the controversy, too.

01:31:07.979 --> 01:31:12.680
He's going to quit getting roles. Yeah. Wow.

01:31:13.560 --> 01:31:27.870
Okay, thank you, Rob. It does, don't it? Yeah.

01:31:27.870 --> 01:31:33.609
Yes. Make it, yeah, make it a lot easier. Keep

01:31:33.609 --> 01:31:37.569
it legal. Or join, join Bare Knuckle Fighting,

01:31:37.710 --> 01:31:41.069
I even said. There you go. I think Bare Knuckle

01:31:41.069 --> 01:31:42.930
would be, I think Bare Knuckle. Don't do it too

01:31:42.930 --> 01:31:44.329
legally, because that's where you're going to

01:31:44.329 --> 01:31:46.970
be, that's where you're going to ruin yourself.

01:31:47.590 --> 01:31:50.550
You do it legally, you can still make a name

01:31:50.550 --> 01:31:55.850
for yourself. Yeah. You know? Yep. Good point.

01:31:56.750 --> 01:32:01.890
Alright, Topher. Alright, Topher, what do you

01:32:01.890 --> 01:32:07.409
got? I have Ukrainian defense sources say that

01:32:07.409 --> 01:32:10.989
devices hidden inside heated shoe insoles were

01:32:10.989 --> 01:32:13.890
sent to Russian military units earlier this month

01:32:13.890 --> 01:32:16.750
as part of a covert operation, according to the

01:32:16.750 --> 01:32:20.970
defense website Militarny. Each insole contained

01:32:20.970 --> 01:32:36.840
10 to 15 grams of... volunteers and charity groups

01:32:36.840 --> 01:32:41.180
to move them. Oh, wow. A Russian truck carrying

01:32:41.180 --> 01:32:45.239
502 of the insoles, each with 1 .5 grams of TNT,

01:32:45.420 --> 01:32:48.319
was later intercepted. An anonymous Ukrainian

01:33:11.399 --> 01:33:16.079
This report comes in a pattern of sabotage operations

01:33:16.079 --> 01:33:19.840
targeting Russian forces. As Kim Post previously

01:33:19.840 --> 01:33:24.579
reported, a batch of Skyzone Cobra FPV drone

01:33:24.579 --> 01:33:27.859
goggles sent to Russian units in early February

01:33:27.859 --> 01:33:31.140
contained improvised explosive devices designed

01:33:31.140 --> 01:33:35.300
to detonate while in use. Around 80 sets were

01:33:35.300 --> 01:33:37.279
delivered through volunteer networks with each

01:33:37.279 --> 01:34:08.899
containing about a half Mm -hmm. adding that

01:34:08.899 --> 01:34:11.260
their production of surprise -loaded equipment

01:34:11.260 --> 01:34:14.279
has expanded beyond the Carpathians into Russian

01:34:14.279 --> 01:34:18.960
territory. Nice. Ukrainians ain't playing. They

01:34:18.960 --> 01:34:22.140
ain't playing around. No, I love that. That's

01:34:22.140 --> 01:34:24.399
kind of like the bat bombs in World War II and

01:34:24.399 --> 01:34:28.960
stuff like that. You know... You're not going

01:34:28.960 --> 01:34:34.479
to walk down the road, you know, you're marching

01:34:34.479 --> 01:34:40.000
in formation, your shoe blows up. How fucking

01:34:40.000 --> 01:34:45.159
brilliant. Hey, Grushno over there just blew

01:34:45.159 --> 01:34:51.800
up. Those fucking Ukrainians. Hey, does everybody

01:34:51.800 --> 01:34:53.579
have their asshole of the week? I don't know.

01:34:54.579 --> 01:35:01.079
I don't know. He just went boom. Hey, does everybody

01:35:01.079 --> 01:35:06.000
have their asshole of the week? I do. I do too.

01:35:06.079 --> 01:35:08.039
We've been threatening to do this, so you guys

01:35:08.039 --> 01:35:12.600
want to do it? All right, who wants to... I'll

01:35:12.600 --> 01:35:15.399
go first. All right, my asshole of the week and

01:35:15.399 --> 01:35:18.939
newly elected Hall of Famer in the ass paddling

01:35:18.939 --> 01:35:23.140
is... It's the guy with the very small, poorly

01:35:23.140 --> 01:35:26.539
executed and boring internet show, Craig Carton.

01:35:27.079 --> 01:35:29.840
The dickless wonder for suggesting that Travis

01:35:29.840 --> 01:35:32.380
Kelsey was leaving the Chiefs for the New York

01:35:32.380 --> 01:35:39.180
Giants. Yeah. He is the asshole of the week.

01:35:39.710 --> 01:35:42.350
And if he doesn't watch it, it'll be Asshole

01:35:42.350 --> 01:35:44.449
of the Month and maybe Asshole of the Decade.

01:35:46.229 --> 01:35:52.869
Wow. Yeah, and all this is allegedly... He's

01:35:52.869 --> 01:36:13.970
a little bitch. Little bitch. That's basically

01:36:13.970 --> 01:36:16.069
what he's saying. Kelsey ain't shit unless he

01:36:16.069 --> 01:36:19.270
plays in a New York team. Then you can talk about

01:36:19.270 --> 01:36:20.869
Hall of Fame. Well, the problem with Craig is

01:36:20.869 --> 01:36:23.989
he doesn't have a dick, so him saying that would

01:36:23.989 --> 01:36:28.250
be useless. He wants him to join his brother's

01:36:28.250 --> 01:36:33.470
legacy. I overheard someone saying that he just

01:36:33.470 --> 01:36:34.750
wanted to see... His brother lives in Philadelphia.

01:36:34.930 --> 01:36:38.270
That's close to New York. Yeah, it's an hour

01:36:38.270 --> 01:36:42.680
away. I think that it's like this. Someone said

01:36:42.680 --> 01:36:44.560
that they thought that Craig liked looking at

01:36:44.560 --> 01:36:47.340
Kelsey's ass and he wanted it to be in his hometown.

01:36:49.380 --> 01:36:51.920
That's probably more likely. Yeah, I can't confirm

01:36:51.920 --> 01:36:55.520
it. That's just what I heard on the street. Rumor

01:36:55.520 --> 01:37:02.020
has it. That's all. I might believe it, but it's

01:37:02.020 --> 01:37:15.020
a rumor. What's up? All right, Topher. D 'oh!

01:37:48.909 --> 01:37:53.390
the freaking beast. No, I know. I know. They're

01:37:53.390 --> 01:38:00.090
little bastards, too. Yes. All right, Rob. All

01:38:00.090 --> 01:38:04.189
right. All right. Come on, guys. You know who

01:38:04.189 --> 01:38:07.689
my asshole of the week is. Shia LaBeouf. Shia

01:38:07.689 --> 01:38:11.550
LaBeouf. Yeah, give it to her. All right. I think

01:38:11.550 --> 01:38:20.380
I agree. He's also in the Hall of Fame, too.

01:38:21.500 --> 01:38:24.840
Well, maybe next episode we can get to some of

01:38:24.840 --> 01:38:27.619
the ass paddlings and get some of them out of

01:38:27.619 --> 01:38:33.739
the way. Yeah. All right. Does anyone have anything

01:38:33.739 --> 01:38:38.760
else, or should we shut this abortion down? All

01:38:38.760 --> 01:38:47.359
right. Sounds good. And Topher, I think Wednesday

01:38:47.359 --> 01:38:50.619
is probably going to be the best day. If it changes,

01:38:50.680 --> 01:38:52.520
I'll let you know. But right now I'm saying Wednesday

01:38:52.520 --> 01:38:54.939
will be the day that we broadcast out the city

01:38:54.939 --> 01:38:58.340
market. All right. I'll let my dog sit her head.

01:38:58.699 --> 01:39:02.020
Okay. And that would be with our good friends.

01:39:02.260 --> 01:39:08.300
We meet up, do commercials. Yes. Yep. Yep. That

01:39:08.300 --> 01:39:11.359
sounds good. Yep. Yep. We got a couple of surprises

01:39:11.359 --> 01:39:16.390
coming up. Also, we will be outside City Market

01:39:16.390 --> 01:39:20.390
Coffee, the best coffee in Kansas City, and probably

01:39:20.390 --> 01:39:23.489
the world, but we can't exactly prove that. And

01:39:23.489 --> 01:39:27.390
also Corollos. They are a really great Italian

01:39:27.390 --> 01:39:29.989
deli and market in Kansas City. They've been

01:39:29.989 --> 01:39:34.590
there since the 30s, I believe. 30s or 40s. Long

01:39:34.590 --> 01:39:38.210
-standing tradition in Kansas City. You go get

01:39:38.210 --> 01:39:40.649
a coffee from City Market Coffee. You walk over

01:39:40.649 --> 01:39:45.380
to Corollos. Fucking really, really delicious

01:39:45.380 --> 01:39:50.640
biscotti or cannolis. They have lemon cake. They

01:39:50.640 --> 01:39:54.180
have great sandwiches, too. What was that one?

01:39:54.340 --> 01:39:57.119
The Napoleon or something like that, right? Oh,

01:39:57.239 --> 01:40:02.640
man, that thing is so good. And yeah, so and

01:40:02.640 --> 01:40:05.180
then Hibachi House, if you want some really good

01:40:05.180 --> 01:40:09.479
shawarma slash heroes and some Middle Eastern

01:40:09.479 --> 01:40:12.420
and Mediterranean food, they are fantastic. And

01:40:12.420 --> 01:40:15.020
we thank all of them for all their help in assisting

01:40:15.020 --> 01:40:18.279
us every time we go there and their friendliness

01:40:18.279 --> 01:40:21.500
and their openness to having us there. So thank

01:40:21.500 --> 01:40:23.800
you all very much. And we encourage everybody

01:40:23.800 --> 01:40:27.369
to go to those places. and we've got a couple

01:40:27.369 --> 01:40:30.689
other surprises coming up, too. So the podcast

01:40:30.689 --> 01:40:34.109
is really starting to do well. I mean, it always

01:40:34.109 --> 01:40:35.989
did do well, but now it's really starting to

01:40:35.989 --> 01:40:38.689
catch fire. So thank you all for listening. This

01:40:38.689 --> 01:40:40.470
is not the show where I tell you all to go fuck

01:40:40.470 --> 01:40:45.949
yourselves, so I'm not going to. Everybody, thank

01:40:45.949 --> 01:40:54.319
you for listening. Good night, assholes. Oh,

01:40:54.319 --> 01:40:57.539
no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has

01:40:57.539 --> 01:41:00.359
explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless

01:41:00.359 --> 01:41:04.000
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading

01:41:04.000 --> 01:41:04.939
your ear holes soon.