Good evening. All the obtuse, incognizant, unsagacious,
ill -informed, dull -witted, addle -pated, dunder
-headed, feather -brained, muddle -headed, but
lovable listeners. This is your warning. You're
headed straight for the douchebag gangbang. That's
right. Run while you are able. Don't look back.
Topa, Mark, and Rob. are headed for your ear
holes in three, two, one. Here at Two Douchebags
and a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic
integrity. Go ahead and assume we got the story
wrong. At least we admit it. Not like all those
other guys. We can and will lie if it makes the
story better. Two douchebags and a microphone.
Here at the gangbang, we realize no one wants
to do a douchebag pledge. We simply will not
waste your time with bullshit. By the way. Remember
to enter dinner with the douchebags contest.
Good luck. Your mom is so old, she was a waitress
at the last supper. Hey there. We all have those
annoying co -workers that do nothing. There's
nothing we can do about it because HR departments
are running scared of lawyers. So we have to
work with these worthless pieces of garbage.
But we have to communicate about them without
them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak
about them right in front of them without them
knowing about it. Stay tuned. First code name,
Absolute Zero. They contribute nothing and effectively
stop all molecular motion in the project. Dark
matter. You know they're there. They take up
space, but they provide no light and cannot be
observed during actual work. Static. High noise.
Zero signal. Stays in one place. Event Horizon.
Once a task enters their orbit, it is never seen
again. How about Buffer? They take 20 minutes
to process a 5 second request. The Screensaver.
Looks like they're working, but as soon as you
touch them, they disappear. Cloud Mode. Just
floating around, vague, and nobody knows what
they actually do. And finally, 404. Task not
found. Stay tuned for more of these gems. People
often ask, how do we cram so much funny into
one little show? Well, it's simple. We buy funny
in bulk on the Internet. Hey, Mark, you're wanted
at the front door. There's a big bag of funny
they need you to sign for. Okay, thanks a lot.
I'll be right there. I'm still sorting out the
funny we got from yesterday. There's your answer.
We buy funny in bulk on the Internet. Hey, everybody,
this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some
tips for life. Always answer the phone with,
I have 1%. I will hang on as long as I can. That
way, if it's someone you don't want to talk to,
look off mid -sentence, and you're done. And
now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. I sure wish my
inner voice sounded just like Morgan Freeman.
Hmm. That'd be cool. Good evening, friends and
neighbors. I'm going to read to you a list of
hypocrites. Self -righteous assholes that want
to tell you what you're doing wrong, but will
not address this for themselves. One newer issue
among these dullards is the stolen land gimmick.
They tell us we need to give up the land back,
but when they were confronted, they offered nothing.
Therefore, hypocrites and liars. Alyssa Milano,
hypocrite and a liar. Mark Ruffalo, hypocrite
and a liar. Jane Fonda, longtime hypocrite, liar.
Elizabeth Warren, longtime idiot, liar, hypocrite.
Leonardo DiCaprio, your name might be on a list
somewhere that just came out. I don't know, possibly.
Maybe you need to shut your mouth. Yeah, you
probably do. Billie Eilish, liar. Ben and Jerry,
liars. We go on for another hour, but you get
the point. I once again present to you the You
First Movement. This is when you mouth off about
stolen land or anything else, you go first. You
live on stolen land, you give your land back,
but until this happens, shut the fuck up. Fuck
up. What list is it? Hey, this is the Douchebag
Gangbang. I'm sorry. We're in the middle of a
discussion here. But we're going to go ahead
and let you guys in on it because, well, we feel
cool like that, right? Okay. So, Rob, what were
you saying? I'm sorry. And then I'll get into
the intro. I was going to ask you if you had
your biggest fear list. Yes. I've got a shit
ton of them. Okay, so anyhow, I am Mark. This
is the Douchebag Gangbang. This is our anchor
show. This is a show that we pound our chest
on and point at people and laugh. Okay, so my
name is Mark. I'm here in the Kansas City Metroplex
at the extreme southern tip, about a mile away
from the famous Jack Stack Barbecue, who seems
to have problems with their gift cards, but they
somewhat straightened it out for me earlier.
and about 1 .2 miles from the famous Justin Jim's
Steakhouse, and I had a tick on my leg. That
has nothing to do with anything, but I'm just
letting you know. At the Talk is Cheap studio.
I don't know what the fuck I just did. Rob, please.
Why not? But he has a huge penis, Rob. Oh, we
are? Okay. All right. Sorry. But it does, for
the record. Okay. All right. Okay. I'll leave
Dino's penis alone. I'm sorry. Now we go to Topher.
Oh, nice. Oh, cool. Very cool, yeah. Good song.
Good song and a great lick to learn. All right.
Yep, yep. Get those things nimble. All right.
Yes, we are. It's going to be an interesting
show, shall we say? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah,
so, hey, Topher, Zach Wild, I was checking out
Ozzy's song that he made with Black Label Society,
and it's good. It's not really what I prefer
as a song, but it's heartfelt and it's really
good. But Zach Wild does these easy chords that
sound cool series. You ought to take a look at
it. I mean, he just does these simple chords
and he puts them in different concessions and
it sounds fucking phenomenal. So, if you get
a chance, look that up. So, alright. Have you
ever had something happen and you go, that was
definitely karma? Yeah. Okay. Well, Saturday
morning, yesterday morning actually, I was using
a water pick, right? And it's clogged. I have
so much, you know, dental work, I have to use
a water pick to get in everywhere because of
the crowns and all that bullshit. So it was clogged.
So I'm sitting there and I'm looking in and I'm
trying to unclog it. And I finally unclog it,
but it goes ballistic and drenches my face. This
is six in the morning. So, you know, right off
the barrel, the water pick blasts me in the face.
So, you know, Topher, you know, the first thing
I thought of, because the Friday morning, the
morning before, we had to hand out a fuck you
card to a car, right? Yeah, one side says $50,
and the other side says, I fooled you, you parked
like an asshole, and it has a middle finger.
Okay. Well, the guy parked bad, but he didn't
necessarily, like, block us in, but I was all
anxious to use our new little gimmick, right?
So he may not have quite deserved that, you know?
So we threw it on there real quick, like, and
we took off. And that's the first thing I thought
of as soon as that fucking water pick blasted
me in the face. I'm like, yep, I should not have
got him. He probably really didn't deserve that.
But anyhow, you know what? I think there's a
John Lennon song like that, Instant Karma. Yes,
there is. Yeah. Yep. That was it right there.
That song didn't play in my head, but the next
time something like that happens, it will. Yes.
My quote of the week is, we lost America around
the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and
started vaping strawberry cheesecake. I think
I agree with that 100%. So from that, I go into
this. My computer is overdramatic, right? Everything
is designed to get me to click on it. So the
other morning, this thing is particularly annoying,
right? I start my monitor, and the first thing
when I push the browser is it says in the corner,
temperatures to plummet tomorrow. So I'm like,
ah, shit, I got a lot of stuff I got to do in
the yard. I click on it, and it's just a five
-degree temperature swing. It went from 75 to
70. And I'm like, you fuckers. I wanted to crumple
up my fucking monitor and throw it in the trash.
I was so mad. Yeah, and then I'm like, I'm perplexed,
and then I thought, you know what? Okay, I get
it. All they're trying to do is get me to click
on it, and that's what I did, so I'm the sucker.
Yeah, so, and then I go into this, and then we
go into your guys' stuff here. I'm really perplexed
at this situation. The other one, I get, you
know, they want me to click on it like a dumbass.
Of course I did, you know. I went to Whataburger
right next to my massage place the other night,
right? I get to my massage place a few minutes
early, so I run over to get me a drink from the
restaurant. So I'm paying the drive -thru chick,
right? I look over on the counter, and there's
a stack of those cardboard Burger King crowns.
Cool. Yeah, and this is in a Whataburger, right?
So I'm sitting there going, hmm. So I look at
her, and she looks at me. And I guess I look
kind of quizzed at him. She goes, yeah. And I
go, what is that stack of Burger King crowns
doing over there? And she goes, I really can't
comment about that. And she closed the fucking
door. Yeah. Any ideas? You think there's a merger
going to happen soon? That makes more sense than
anything I could think of. It was just really
peculiar. It was so peculiar. She just goes,
oh, I really can't talk about that. And then
she gave me my drink and shut the door. Wow.
Either that or she was just jacking with you.
That's probably it. They probably got me on camera
going, hey, guys, come here. Come here. Hey,
look at this one. So, yeah, I don't know. So,
anyhow. And so, you know, when I had COVID last
week, I found the cure for insomnia. It's definitely
NyQuil. If anyone has insomnia, drink half of
that fucking NyQuil bottle. If you stay awake,
they need to analyze your brain. Because you
have special powers, nobody else does. So, that
being said, let's turn it to Mr. Rob Rad. Oh,
hell yeah. Are you sure it's her or is it Bon
Jovi? That's what I thought. Anyhow, go ahead.
I actually will... That's what I want to say.
You see what I'm thinking? Yeah. Okay. I like
that. Tupac's cousin. Yeah, definitely. Did she
have like a regular sidekick or something? Yeah,
she did. But I think, I read another article
containing this story. But I think they're going
to go with different people. With the same character
names. Okay. Yeah, that's for keeping with a
full reboot. You get to kind of reinvent some
stuff. Yeah, and I also like the idea of the
main character. So if they get the other characters,
like the thought they put into Jamie Lee Curtis
being the main character, I'm on board. Yeah.
Very cool. Thank you, Rob. Was that it? All righty.
In Cherokee County, Georgia, some parents are
furious after the limo driver they hired to take
their kids to the prom was arrested on the way
back home. Oh! Oh, hell yeah. It was a crazy
night. One teen said you did not want to be identified.
She said she was excited for senior prom night,
but it got off on the wrong foot when Baba showed
up an hour late to pick the teens up. She said
he got lost on the way to the Georgia Aquarium.
The teen says... to find his way back to Cherokee
County even though the directions were in his
GPS. You know what? Rob's on to something. If
he wouldn't have bogarted it, they would have
been fine with it. Yeah, yeah. He should have
broke them off a piece. Yep. Anyway, so the parents
asked for a full refund from the limo company.
The owner of Price A Limo said Baba works for
another limo company, and he offered to only
charge the teens half price. And they never knew
Baba worked for somebody else. They thought they
were doing business with Price a Limo, not a
private contractor. Just deputies say Baba failed
the field sobriety test and could not recite
the alphabet. Deputies also say he did not have
valid certificates to operate a car, let alone
a car for hire or drive a limo. Totally undocumented.
Oh my gosh. Wow. Well, you know... Oh, go ahead.
I'm sorry. I was going to say, thank goodness
the kids are okay. That could have turned out
a whole lot worse. Yes, it could have. Right.
Yeah, you are right about that. Well, I have
my own limo story, okay? Believe it or not, it's
cheaper to rent a limo coming from KCI to South
Kansas City than it is taking an Uber or a taxi,
okay? Really? It is. It is. I don't know why.
So we used to rent... from this place called
Five Guys, and I'm not dogging them. This was
the guys' fault. It wasn't them. They had no
idea, okay? And I don't have a problem with them,
but we were coming back from a cruise, and it
was Super Bowl night. It was the second Super
Bowl we were in against San Francisco. Not the
first one, the second one, okay? The last time
we were in there. And we were coming back from
a cruise, and the guy was supposed to be there.
I was going to get home right on time. when kickoff.
Okay, so the guy was 45 minutes late. So I called
down there to five guys. I'm like, hey, it's
Super Bowl night. I'm here at the airport. Where's
my guy? Oh, okay. Yeah, they call him up. He
fell asleep. Okay. So then he comes and gets
me. And then on the way back home, you know,
435 gets kind of crazy going south there because
he didn't take through the city 71. He went 435
around the city. But the problem is in the 65,
70 mile an hour zones, he was going 50, 55 mile
an hour because he was nodding off. Oh, my God.
And I got back in time for the second half of
the fucking Super Bowl because of that idiot.
He is the first guy I've never tipped. In a limo.
First guy I've never tipped. And he knew he did
wrong because he's trying to take all my luggage
out. I go, oh, no, don't bother. I got it. I
got it. I said, you got to get home. I took all
my luggage out of there and I walked off. He
just stood there looking at me. And I was just
like, oh, yeah, you get a bad limo driver, it
sucks. I'll tell you that right now. But like
I said. Wow. This was this guy. This wasn't necessarily
five guys. I'm not dogging him or anything. I'm
just telling you what happened. So, anyhow, should
we... Yeah, yeah, maybe so, but he probably should
have turned... Yeah, he probably did. Yeah, yeah,
well, I was the unfortunate victim of that. But
you know what? I did watch the game on my phone,
but it pissed me off, so I stopped. I'm like,
no, this isn't what I had in mind watching the
Super Bowl tonight. And I even had our plane
on the, actually on the cruise the day before,
I had our plane switched, and I paid an extra
couple hundred dollars to get home earlier to
watch the game, and I get that fucking bozo.
But anyhow, you know what? You want to go into
greatest fear? My first one is my greatest fear,
and yours too, or we pick, I guess. All right.
Having a rip in the back of your britches. Yes,
I said britches. Not being able to match a pair
of socks or waking up in Stefan Diggs' apartment
with pink powder all over your face. Strawberry.
Diggs. It's got to be Stefan Diggs. Yes. And
probably a headache and probably other parts
of your body might ache too, but I won't speculate.
I wonder if he's got a job again this season
or whether he will. That's a good question. We'll
have to look that up on the alternate universe
douchebags Tuesday or probably Wednesday, I think,
this week. Okay. Yeah, take a look at that and
find out. All right, Rob. Go into a public place
and you stink it up. Public place. No, no, no,
no, no, no. No. Greatest fear. Probably the snake
because if you got to go, it's miserable, right?
It is. Man, that's some tough choices. It is.
That's really close. Yeah, that's true. Yeah,
you had Alice for many years. I'll tell him,
smell it. Smell my nectar. Come on, here. Sniff
it up, bitches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mitch Holt
is... Does he still say that? I don't know. I
think he does. He probably does. Yeah, I don't
think he can get off of it. What's your vote,
Mark? My vote is the snake. And that's just because
it's miserable if you have to take a dump. And
you're sitting there and, I mean, your insides
are about to explode. And you're like, then you
have that indecision. Should I try to get this
snake out of here and shit? Or should I try to
make it to Quick Trip really quick and maybe
shit myself? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go with
that one. You know, you gamble and lose. It's
not fun. Okay, I'm going to have to go and take
a shit on a nasty toilet. Because at least with
a snake, you know what's going to kill you. Touche.
I haven't thought of that. I haven't either.
I had not thought of that. I'm going to go ahead
and stick with mine, even though Rob made a lot
of sense. Yeah, just wish mine too. All right.
Okay. I'll start off with a kind of a mild one
here. Okay. Okay. Biggest fear when you wake
up, remembering that you're out of coffee, or
remembering that you're out of toilet paper,
or remembering that you were supposed to be at
work already. Toilet paper. Toilet paper. Even
though coffee sucks. Everything else you can
work out, you know, buy coffee on the way, but,
man. Yeah, we keep our toilet paper in a cabinet
on the other side of the bathroom. Yeah, that's
miserable. Oh, my God. That's a lot of ass -clinching
in there. When you burst open your eye, yeah,
that's not good. And whenever you clench your
ass, you don't know if a droplet's going to hit
the ground, too, and then you've got to clean
up. Yeah, and then it snurs. Duck walking across
the house with your pants around your ankles
trying to find a roll. Then you've got to duck
walk your ass back. And God forbid you trip yourself.
And you had chili the night before. Oh, okay.
That's the winner. Toilet paper is the winner.
Clear cut. Yeah, landslide. Landslide. All right,
my next one. Yes, we broke that down really well.
All right. I think we did examine every point
of that conversation, didn't we? Pretty much.
All right. My next one. Greatest fear, breaking
a remote on a smart TV, which renders it useless.
Your car stereo is froze on country music. Or
having to clean the toilet after former Prince
Andrew used it? Andrew. Prince Andrew. The former.
Yeah. I would not want to get near a toilet.
Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Let
me try. Can you hear me better now? Yeah. Okay.
Greatest fear. Breaking a remote on a smart TV.
your car stereo being froze on country music,
or having to clean the toilet after former Prince
Andrew used it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, everything
else I can probably deal with. That, no. Yes.
Yeah. Yep. Souls of dead babies, I don't know.
You know, we all did a toilet... It's true. What
a shitty podcast, huh? All right. Okay, good.
You got ring around the ass? You got ring around
the ass? Time to get up? Yeah, you know when
you walk bow -legged, you sat on it so long.
Rob, you bastard. I remember the first thing
you wake him up being that person. That's when
you're married to the person. Yeah. Shit. I think
I'm going to go... I think financially why it
should be better off staying away from being
Shia LaBeouf because whatever money he's got
left he's going to lose pretty soon. Yeah. Okay,
I'm going to say married to a Kardashian because
I'll just stay away from them as much as I can.
I'll always be running errands or doing yard
work or having to go out of town. All right.
How about you? Well, my choice was to not be
shy. Waffle House Breakfast with P. Diddy. Oh!
Oh! Okay, Topher, you bastard. Yeah, I thought
I was the best. Shit. Oh, my God. What was the
first one again? What? What was that? Oh, what
was the first one again? Can we do one bullet?
Can we do a bullet to the head on one of them?
No, no. I'm going with the picnic with Hillary
Clinton because you don't know if you're going
to come back or not. Yeah, that's a good point.
Yeah, that's true. If you come back from being
with D .D., you're going to have a sore butthole.
But you'll be alive. True, true. And a lot of
baby lotion. Damn it. That's right. We did. Oh,
shit. Yeah. Okay. Maybe we need to have a bullet
in the head for one of them, right? It's like,
okay, guys, I'm checking out on this one. But,
okay. Yep. All right. My next greatest fear would
be having to feed Vince Neil daily, having to
listen to Neil Young for eight hours straight
four times a week. Or having to take nudes of
Mick Jagger? I'm going with Vince Neal. I'll
throw shit to him like a lion. You know, like
take a leg of lamb and just throw it at him.
I wish I could do a British accent. I'd go, do
you like my butt? Do you like my butt, Topher?
What do you think? I'm 85. Look at that ass.
Is that nice and cheeky? Look at that. I could
just see him doing that. Him, like, bend over.
Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, I'm going to go
with Vince Neal because I just want to, like,
throw, like, a dead deer at him and go, here's
your food. Hello? All right. You're kind of cutting
out again. Oh, okay. I said I'm going with Vince
Neal because I want to throw a dead deer at him
and go, hey, here's your food, Vince. Have you
ever been in one of those big pet stores where
they have the big -ass lizards, like the monitor
lizards? Yes. And you watch them just throwing
rats in, and they're snapping them up one after
another? Yeah, that's right. Before the first
bounce? Yes. That's Vince Neal. That's how I
pictured it. You throw him a leg of lamb and
he goes... It's like, you got my finger, Vince.
Oh my gosh. We're something tonight. I don't
know what, but we're something. Okay. What was
your biggest fear? Being stuck in a little shop
of horrors? Being stuck with Pennywise? Or being
stuck with Tujo? Oh. Some of the movies are...
Little shop of fears. I think I could have a
little fun there somehow. Some way. Yeah, yes.
I think your ass is just cooked. Oh, yeah. Pennywise?
Hell no. No. I would be scared of plants. You
don't know what the fuck you're going to do.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go with Little Shop
of Horrors and just take my chances with the
plant. Yes. True. True. I'm going to stick with
it. or into a pitch black unexplored cave. Oh.
Bathroom. Bathroom. I'm going to say cave. That
would be my biggest fear. Well, you. Okay, bathroom.
Yeah, because, man, if you're stepping in piss,
you couldn't get that off of you. Yeah. Yeah,
it's tough to go against the bathroom. That's
got to be the worst. And if it's sticky, then
you're really in trouble. Oh, yeah. Oh, God,
yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, every disease in
there is something that humans can catch. Yes,
that's the problem. Although I am the mad shitter
in Clinton, Missouri. Allegedly. Allegedly, yes.
Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly, yes. Okay, my next
one, this would be the greatest fear. Having
to walk into an ER and ask the front desk if
they removed Coke bottles that you inserted anally.
Having a blood blister on the inside of your
right nostril. Or having to spit -bathe Elizabeth
Warren. Elizabeth Warren. Yeah, yeah. That's
pretty horrid. Oh, God, yeah, yeah. And you'd
have to spit -bathe her? Oh, no, no, no. Yeah,
no thank you. You'd have to take like five or
six of those silkwood baths before you'd feel
halfway clean. Lye soap, when he began to cut
it, I would scratch all my skin off and throw
lye soap on it. And that still wouldn't be enough.
Okay, this is weird because I'm not afraid of
Epstein Island because that's all been taken
off and it's a beautiful island probably. I mean,
it's tropical. So I'm going to have to go elevator.
Yeah. You get a little moisture or something.
You can piss off it and get bored. Yeah. You
get a drink. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have
to take a dump. You can walk far away and dump
over there. Yeah. Shit in the corner. Yeah. Yeah.
So we'll meet you up there. You're like, don't
go to that corner. That's the bathroom. Oh, okay.
Thank you. That's our compost section. What do
you mean? That's where I shit. Jane Fonda. Yeah,
they just suck pretty bad. Yeah, yeah. And also,
I can't stand her anyhow. Honestly, I think her
best movie was off Golden Dawn. That was back
in the 80s. I would agree. Ever since then, she's
got a big nothing. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, yeah,
same here. Yeah, yeah. Other than that, I mean,
yeah. I mean, it was okay, but not really my
thing either, so. Yeah. Steven Seagal movies
were funny because he couldn't act. He'd go,
I'm going to kick your ass. That's just stupid
shit. And what was even funnier is when he got
fat and he still tried to be a badass. Yeah.
It's like, dude, it's not working. Don't wear
those tight clothes. I don't care if they're
dark. We can still see it. Trust me. All right.
Next one, my greatest fear, and your guys' too,
having to test spray for Monsanto. Take a tall
drink from Bill Cosby or have him to pose for
Bill Clinton in the blue dress. Sorry, guys.
You know what? You're right. You'd be alive.
Your ass would hurt, but you'd be alive. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Or have a plane crash or something.
Allegedly, yeah. Yep. We unraveled that one really
quick. I'm proud of us. Yeah. Shopping. Oh, shopping.
Yeah. Money, money, money. There's nothing worse,
not only money, but there's nothing worse like,
oh, I'll just be a minute. Oh, yeah. Don't fall
for that. Don't fall for that. The part that
really gets me is like creeping down the aisle.
You take one step and then you stop for like
15 seconds and you take one more step and you
stop for a while. I'm always like, where's food
court? That's it. I'll be here. Call me. Yeah.
I'll be a sporty good. Yeah, yeah. Call me when
you're done. I'm going to say lead singer. They're
obnoxious as fuck. Lead singer disease. Yeah,
lead singers are a special breed of asshole.
Not all of them, but a lot of them. See David
Lee Roth. I've dealt with a guitar player that
won't turn down, and I've dealt with a bass player
who is barely conscious. But I've been a little
luckier than most when it comes to lead singers
that I've worked with. Most of them have been
pretty decent people. That's good. If you think
about it, the other two are pretty much the norm.
That's true. That's true. A bassist goes, I want
four strings, not six. All right. My next greatest
fear would be being Bruce Springsteen's car tube
alcohol detector, being Oprah Winfrey's foot
rubber, or undergarment cleaner for Ellen. Sorry,
guys. I mean, I should have put Bullet on one
of these. That way we'd have a clear way out,
but I didn't. I'm sorry. I'm going to say Ellen.
I want to go with Ellen. Yeah, Ellen. You know,
Bruce... Yeah, playing Ellen's underwear, yeah.
You know, Bruce Springsteen... Yeah, you have
to deal with Oprah. She's going to introduce
you to some pretty awful people. Yeah. Do you
have anything to do with Ellen? Yes. Yeah, this
is true. They're going to look at her and go,
he's a little old, isn't he? Hey, nothing about
that. Nothing about that. That never happened.
All right. Topher, you got another one? Trying
to fart on the first date, but instead cracking
your pants. Or taking a 10 -minute nap at work,
but accidentally sleeping for two and a half
hours. Date. Date. That's hard to beat. That's
hard to beat, that one. It really, really is.
Okay, Topher, do you have any more or not? Do
you have any more greatest fears or not? I've
got one more. Okay, I've got two more, but go
ahead and finish what you're going to say. All
righty. My last greatest fear. Which would be
the greatest fear? A creepy doll with eyes that
follow you? Your TV only playing slasher movies
when the creepy doll is in the room? I'm going
to have to go creepy dolls hanging out because
one of them is bad enough. But a room full. Actually,
I need friends. I need friends. I cannot see
anything beautiful in either three of these.
I want to piss them off by calling them all Chucky.
Gotcha. All right, my next one, greatest fear,
would be being the guy that has to pick up David
Lee Roth's sweaty backstage leather, giving Keith
Richards a full rectal exam, or having to dispose
of Rosie O'Donnell's fat right after liposuction.
I'm going to have to say Rosie. Yes, you're allowed
to. I was so glad I had that muted when you said
that. I did throw up in my mouth. Oh, my God,
guys. Oh, I wish we could have a little... Yeah,
Rosie. Yeah, I... We could get an advance on
our none of the above or all of the above kind
of... We... This is a lesson to us. Don't blow
your all the above early. Yeah. Yeah, you got
to save that thing. Once we know you've used
it, we're going to come up with something. Yes,
yes, that's the whole idea. They can't get out
of it. All right, and I've got a final one here,
and then we'll take our first break. Or, no,
no, we'll go, wait a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we'll take our first break, go into emails, then
come back and, You guys can hit a couple of stories.
Yeah. Okay, so the last one of the greatest fear
would be your job as a Boeing test pilot. Yeah.
Being reincarnated as a couch cushion for Rosie
O'Donnell. I know I hit on her two times. Or
being a beat reporter in Tehran. You know what?
Yeah. I'm going to have to go with Rosie. Yeah,
you're right. You would suffer. You would have
to live through it. That's the problem. Imagine
having Rosie O'Donnell thrill about a half dozen
farts into you every night when she watches TV.
Once again, she has every woman's favorite meal,
tacos. You're looking at the other cushions and
you're going, guys, did she put extra refried
beans? Yeah. And is that hot salsa? Mm -hmm.
All righty. Let's take our first break, and we
got quite a few emails. Some of them are pretty
good, and a little extra thing, too, of emails,
because we've been doing our polls. on every
show, you know, and people have written in, but
I decided to save the best ones for one time
and we'll do it like once a month. Okay. All
right. We'll be right back after this, whatever
this is. And now we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy. Excuse me,
sir. Could you please be a good gentleman and
pass the malt acetic acid my way? Do you mean
the malt vinegar? Why, yes. Yes, I do mean the
malt vinegar. Then just say the malt vinegar,
you dumb buck. Here we go. Signs that you might
be a pussy. Signs that you might be a pussy.
If you've ever had Phil Collins or Oingo Boingo
posters on your wall, If you've ever raised your
coffee mug or tea glass with your pinky extended.
If you often lotion up your hands with no apparent
reason. If you like poached eggs. If you sing
along to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Or if you have
ever wore a pair of Crocs, even just trying them
out, you are a pussy. As much fun as an electric
can opener to the scrotum, two douchebags and
a microphone. Mama's so stupid, she thought lightsabers
were less calories. Now, from his underground
bunker in Camden, Missouri, stocked full of dried
goods, canned food, and a couple of vibrating
toys, is Ramblings of a Madman, featuring Rob
Rad. Batman would look ridiculous solving crime
on a sunny day. Hey there, slap nuts. It's time
for the Creeps Music News. Hey, my little pumpkin
seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol with your music
news. Remember the 70s rock band Angel? Yep,
those guys. All dressed in white with the logo
that read Angel, Upside or Down. Yes, those guys.
Well, they have a final album in the works with
a final tour. No date set yet, but the album
is coming out this summer. This is Johnny Rohypnol.
That was your music news. And remember, bar chords
are bullshit. Hey, look. I think we found land.
Oh, my God. I think we're safe. Oh, no. It's
the island of horrible jokes. Where do polar
bears keep their money? In a snow bank. Miss
Gulkenstein was tired of Mark and Toe for making
sport of her. Little did the douchebags know,
Miss Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess
when she was younger. She grew angry and cast
a spell on Rob, changing Rob into a capuchin
monkey. Mark took Rob to a local zoo so he could
be with the other monkeys. Here are the adventures
of Rob, the capuchin monkey. Be very quiet. We're
going to listen in as Rob, the capuchin monkey,
tries to sell the rest of the capuchin monkeys
Amway. Rob has always dreamed of becoming a diamond
status Amway as a capuchin monkey. Little did
our hero Rob know. All the great apes owned stock
in Sam's Club and became violently pissed off
when he tried to infringe on their territory.
They promptly grabbed switches and beat his ass
for three days straight. Rob could not sit down.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell. Man, Axel
Rose is such a great childhood therapist. I hope
he writes more books. Hey, peeps. It's time for
the police blotter. That's right, stories about
stupid criminals and the dumbassness that ensued.
Let us begin now. Dean Young, 26, entered a parked
landscaping van in Hialeah, Florida, allegedly
to steal the tools in the inside. He accidentally
locked himself inside the van and begins screaming
for someone to let him out. The landscapers heard
the man's screams and promptly called the police
where he was arrested for breaking and entering
a vehicle and for attempted theft. This guy gets
a stupid pendant pronto. This is the Douchebag
Gangbang. Welcome back. I am Mark here in the
southern tip of the Kansas City Metroplex and
surrounding areas at the Talk is Cheap studio.
Yes. I didn't say anything about his penis. Thank
you. Thank you. Good point. You don't have to
make lemonade. You can leave those fucking things.
Yeah. And available 24 hours a day. All right,
we got... Yeah, yeah. All right. At least it's
not Folgers or Maxwell House. Ooh, yeah, yeah,
that's good coffee. The yellow bag, those are
nice. Yeah, they are. That's my favorite. Is
that like a, what, I forgot, I forgot what mix
that is, but oh well, I like it. All right, we
got some emails. First one, USA Auto in St. Louis
checking in. We love all the shows under your
umbrella, but the gangbang makes my jaw hurt
from laughing. Welcome. Please keep it up. Ron
in St. Louis. So our St. Louis base has grown
considerably. Thank you, Ron. Please keep spreading
the word. Yes. Yeah, St. Louis is starting to
get a little bit of a hotbed, which is great
because, you know, we're Missouri -based too.
So, you know, welcome, neighbors. We appreciate
it. We have people that travel from Kansas City
to St. Louis that will tell people, you know,
yeah. I go there to throw my trash out. No, I'm
joking. We love St. Louis. We love St. Louis.
All right, next one. Sure am happy Topher got
a headset. You have no idea how annoying it was
turning the volume up and down. So I didn't get
my ears blown out, and I got to hear Topher.
Thanks for all the entertainment, Ross in Dallas.
All right, I love you, Ross. Ross, we love you.
Yeah, the headset, man, has made all the difference
it really has. You sound great. Ross, thank you
so much, man. We love you. Now we know Mark's
hands are busy, but you know. Well, yeah, yeah.
Hey, man, something's got to keep my nuts warm.
Mark's got dick hands. I got dick hands, that's
right. I re -listened to that. I re -listen to
that, and we're all getting our little quips
in. And when you re -listen to the show, you
hear them, and it's like, ho, ho, ho. Good old
slimy dick hands. Cold, clammy, slimy dick hands.
All right. The next one. Thank you, Ross. We
love you. All right. This letter is for the gangbang.
I have the greatest threat. Cool. One, having
to listen to every episode of Two Fuck Nuts and
a Recorder. Two, having to remove tics from Mitch's
armpits. Or three, drink Chris Collinworth bath
water. Tony in Tennessee came up with that gem.
Wow. Me too. That's my biggest fear. I don't
want to hear them. They suck. I don't either.
The rumors are true. I could probably listen
to an episode or two, but after that, no, I couldn't
take it. I have an out -of -body experience.
Especially since we know the rumors are true.
That brings a whole different thing to it. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Let's just say rumors to protect
ourselves. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yep. And also, we
don't do our podcast from our mom's basement,
allegedly, right? In Buckner, Missouri, in their
mom's basement. So, yeah. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly.
All right. Mark, how are you doing post -COVID?
Teresa in New Jersey. I don't know. How do you
think I'm doing? I think I'm doing pretty good.
Yeah, yeah, NyQuil. Thank you, Teresa. I appreciate
the concern. Everything's good here. Thank you.
Next one. Douchebags, I really need a good potato
soup recipe. Please and thank you. You're the
best. Tully in Gainesville. Yeah, Campbell's.
True. Mm -hmm. Okay, I never thought of that,
but I guess it would fit in, wouldn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, let's not clog it up and make it a stew
instead of potato soup, too. Right. Yeah, you
put too much shit in it, it's not even potato
soup anymore. It's like some sort of stew with
potatoes in it. Right. It's a casserole at that
point. Yeah, it's a floating casserole. It's
a runny casserole. Tully, we hope we answered
your question. All right, and thank you. All
right, Mark. What was the name of the hotel in
Fort Lauderdale that has the mysterious cross
that washed up? We want to go visit it. I tried
to find that show, but it cuts off after five
seasons. Yeah, we know. Ronnie and Tulsa, the
Tulsa King. It is named Ocean Manor, and there's
nothing we can do about the five seasons. The
other six seasons cut off. There's nothing we
can do about it. I mean, there's only so much
space we're allotted. And we tried a website
before, and it just does not generate any interest.
It's not worth it. So, I mean, if you ever, Ronnie,
because we love you and you've been here since
day one, if you ever need an episode, tell me
what it is. I'll send it to you in an MP3 file
or whatever you need. So, thank you, Ronnie.
He's royalty, too. He's like Ross. All right,
next one. Can someone get a photo of that hideous
monument you guys make fun of? I listen to every
episode, Jerry Willis and Little Rock. Next time
I'm near there, I'll get a photo of it. Damn
it. I wish I would have read this. I had to go
to Sutherlands and Harrisonville to get a gate.
I wish I would have read this then, because then
I could have dropped off on 2 Highway and took
a picture. But one of us will get one for you,
Jerry. So thank you. Yeah, we'll put it on the
Facebook page. Yeah, yep, yep. And then you can
go there and get it, Jerry. Thank you. Topher
or Mark? Could one of you please start posting
what segments on each show being released, please?
Let's see, and what else? It would make it much
easier to find a segment, Julie in Oregon. I'm
going to start doing that. I just got to take
more time, which I don't generally have. And
I'm going to have to figure out, I think what
I need to do is start writing down the segments,
and that way when I go to put the show together,
all I've got to do is just type them in. So I'm
going to start doing something like that, Julie,
you're right. That way people know if they want
to find a certain segment, they can look and
go, oh, here it is. Here's that story about that
hamster biting Mark's ass, you know, or whatever.
So yeah, yeah, we'll do that. All right. We've
had these polls going on for, what, about two
months now, you think? Yeah. Yeah, about two
months. And people have been answering them,
but what we chose to do was this right here.
Give them all to you at once. And this isn't
all of them. What this is is just a best of.
Because everybody, we record them all. We see
them, we read them, and we enjoy them. So keep
sending them in. We just, because of time -wise,
we can't tell all of them. But thank you, everybody
that wrote in. Please keep writing them in. And
I'm going to eventually do a percentage of each
one of these questions. After about two months,
I'll tell the percentage of how many people went
this way, how many people went that way, and
all that. That sound about right, guys? Yeah.
Okay. All right. The first one. Hey, guys, my
two cents. Tipping is way out of control. I almost
have to tip the fucking stoplight down the street.
What next? Tip an officer when he gives you a
speeding ticket? I don't order takeout anymore
because I'm sick of the money grab. Lisa in Alabama.
I couldn't agree more. Yes. You know, if they
just do their normal job, then, you know, you
don't have to tip them because it's taken care
of. I'd be right to go back to that. Yeah, me
too. Yeah. Yeah, Lisa. I do have to admit, my
son did tip a police officer last night. Yes,
he did. Okay. That could be taking his bribery.
That's really cool of him. Good for him. Good.
Well, there was a lot more to the story, just
saying. I mean, if you want to tell it later,
that's fine. That's very cool. All right. That's
pretty awesome. All right. Next one. Not a single
bit. It's kind of weird that you have a death
penalty but rarely use it. It's like, why have
it? Yeah. Either do it in a timely fashion or
you don't. I don't know why, because the state's
just gathering the money on it. There's quite
the money on that person sitting there. That's
a great point. That's true. Think about it. And
you got 20, 25 years free? Yeah. Yeah, good point.
Yep. Exactly. That's why they keep them alive.
That's why I... Yeah, they get so much money
per... It's kind of like schools. They get so
much money per head. So... Yeah, and all they
got to do is throw you in a little 8x8 room and
give you three meals a day. Yeah, yep. Uh -huh.
Yep. All right, next one. No last meal to...
Oh, shit. Okay, no, this is the same one. Okay.
No last meal to any convicted person on death
row. You gave up all your rights when you committed
the act that sent you to prison. Boss in D .C.
Can't argue with that. Yeah, that seems like
an odd kind of tradition is to let them pick
their own last meal. I don't know. Did the victim
get to pick their last meal? Nope. That's a good
point. Yeah, yep. I agree with you don't make
it any more cruel than necessarily, but you also
don't have to pat him on the head and say, it'll
be all right, you weren't such a bad person.
Let's give you a birthday party. You're going
through a confusing time. You don't get three
slabs of ribs and a whole chicken for the last
meal. And that's one of the problems. Here's
an idea. If the family wants to pay for it, they
get to have a last meal like that. There you
go. Fair enough. Yeah, while they eat it. And
like I said, this is not all of them. Keep sending
them in. We're going to give you percentages
a little bit later on. Thank you, guys. We appreciate
the influx of people writing in about this. All
right. No way would I let anyone that I didn't
trust with the end -of -the -world info. People
cannot be trusted. Joshua Clayton in Knoxville.
And that was, if anyone doesn't remember, that's
the... decoded a message from outer space, and
they said, we're coming to kill you guys next
Tuesday. Would you alert anybody if you knew
you were going to die with everyone else, or
would you keep your mouth shut because, you know,
people would go around and do stupid shit? Wow.
Yeah, I think I'd keep my mouth shut. I'd just
be like, you know what? Because think about it.
People be doing everything, man. Killing people,
looting, whatever they wanted. I definitely...
Okay, let me get a little deeper. Okay. As a
parent, I don't think I could kill my kids. I
really don't. Yeah. Ooh, that is a great point,
Bob. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I would
do. I mean, because, yeah, that'd be hard to
swallow. It really would. I like that idea. Like,
here, go have fun. Hey, hey, I've been thinking
a lot of death lately, so yeah, you know, get
my... Yeah. The prime of their life, and you've
got to tell them, hey, it's all over coming up
Tuesday. Tell your kids we're all going to die.
Oh, my God, that'd be horrible. That would be
horrible. That would suck. I would have to keep
it to myself and my kids. Honestly. Which, if
I was the only one to know about it, yeah. But
if it gets out, hey. I love that question, by
the way. I thought that was great. That's awesome.
Yeah. That is awesome. Yeah, that gives me a
chance to go deep instead of being the funny
ha -ha man. That's true. You know? True. Yep.
And by the way, Topper, I loved your story a
while ago. You're stepping up to the plate, bud.
Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Yep. All right. Let's
go ahead and take our second break. Then we're
going to come back. Rob's story. Topher's story,
and then we'll see if we get to one of mine.
Alright. Alright, well, we shall be right back,
whether you like it or not. You look like a mentally
slow driv yelling into thin air all through the
store. I pray that Bluetooth shorts out and blows
up your eardrums. One may consider self -centered
dunce. Monty constantly coddled this dummy and
it fucking shows. Go look back home and bore
your dog. Wait, you probably forgot the thieving
because you're too busy looking in the mirror
all day. Fuck off. Hey there. We all have those
annoying co -workers that do nothing. There's
nothing we can do about it because HR departments
are running scared of lawyers. So we have to
work with these worthless pieces of garbage.
But we have to communicate about them without
them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak
about them right in front of them without them
knowing about it. Stay tuned. Cordless only works
40 minutes. E .T. always wants to go home. Kit
Kat always taking a break. Muffler always exhausted.
Seaweed floats around all day. Sensor light only
works when someone walks by. Wheelbarrow only
works when pushed. This is Joshua Belmont, your
food for thought man on the hustle. So I just
realized a genius that gets absolutely no credit.
His name is Marshall Taylor. He's credited with
the first bag of salad mix that was bagged and
sold. Yesterday. was his birthday. I believe
he is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
lettuce for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Here at 2 Douchebag
Central, we needed a voice for common sense,
since none of us fit that bill. We opted for
another voice. So here I am, Mr. Buford T. Rasputin.
DeCarlos Brown Jr. in late 2025 was released
on a promise to appear by Magistrate Judge Teresa
Stokes, despite having 14 prior arrests. Following
his release, he stabbed to death Irina Zarytska
to death at a light rail station. Jason Ayala,
New York, New York. In January 2025, Judge Robert
Rosehensel granted Ayala supervised release while
he was awaiting violent forced robbery charges.
The following day, Ayala allegedly committed
a sexual assault spree, molesting two children.
and three adult women within a 30 -minute window.
There are literally hundreds more over that span
of a couple of years. So that's where this fine
show comes in. We introduce to you the Adopt
-a -Judge program. This would be a true way to
measure if a judge is willing to guarantee the
criminal has reformed. The program is simple.
A judge lets a violent criminal out early or
on a signature bond or whatever. The said judge
has to sign responsibility papers to ensure that
his convict will not partake in heinous acts.
The released convict would also have to live
with that judge until the victim's family okays
the person for a regular life and can leave the
judge's dwelling. This has been Buford T. Rasputin
signing off with your Common Sense Moment. Get
on out of here so mama can make some pancakes,
boy. Hey, my fellow heavy breathers. This is
Dash Riptide. Your music news. Hey, check it
out. Iron Maiden finally gets nominated for the
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Like it means anything
at this point. Blaze Bailey has been added to
the names to be inducted with Maiden if they
should get in. And they should. It's just 30
years fucking late. That's all. Good luck and
up the irons, kids. This is Dash Riptide. And
that was your music news. If it's too loud, you'd
probably have ear damage, just like me. These
guys are inviting as a used hypodermic needle.
This is the Douchebag Gangbang. I had to think
about it for a second. We have four shows going
on here, so forgive me. This is the Douchebag
Gangbang, and I am Mark in the Kansas City area,
the extreme southern tip of the Metroplex, at
the Talk is Cheap studio. Yep, it would have
still been alive if it slept in, right? Topher,
I want to know this. Like, if your butt gets
cold, do you just, like, walk up to the space
heater and kind of warm your ass? Oh, okay, forget
it. No, I remember being a kid and coming in
and going up to the register and, like, warming
my ass going, shit, it's cold. Yeah. Oh, well.
I guess I'm the only one that did that. I'm sorry.
Anyhow, Rob, go ahead. Well, I mean, he is getting
an ass paddling. You know what that means? Yep.
Cat paddling. He's Hall of Fame. Hall of Fame.
Yeah. He made it. He has made it. You're right,
Shy. And I get really patient when I say this.
It's the fourth story in four weeks. Yeah. He's
going to end up dead. I hate saying that, and
I don't like saying that, but he is the atypical
star that ends up doing something stupid that
takes their life, whether on purpose or not.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. They'd
be arm wrestling over who gets his asshole. Yeah.
That being said, go ahead, Rob. Yeah. Yeah, I
think you're right. There's too much... But he
needs help. He's a great actor. He's a really
great actor. Nobody can deny him of that. I mean,
his role in Lawless, that's one of my favorite
movies by him, is Lawless. He's awesome. I would
agree. Oh, go ahead. Well, and also, Hollywood's
going to stray. Hollywood's going to stay away
from him because of all the controversy, too.
He's going to quit getting roles. Yeah. Wow.
Okay, thank you, Rob. It does, don't it? Yeah.
Yes. Make it, yeah, make it a lot easier. Keep
it legal. Or join, join Bare Knuckle Fighting,
I even said. There you go. I think Bare Knuckle
would be, I think Bare Knuckle. Don't do it too
legally, because that's where you're going to
be, that's where you're going to ruin yourself.
You do it legally, you can still make a name
for yourself. Yeah. You know? Yep. Good point.
Alright, Topher. Alright, Topher, what do you
got? I have Ukrainian defense sources say that
devices hidden inside heated shoe insoles were
sent to Russian military units earlier this month
as part of a covert operation, according to the
defense website Militarny. Each insole contained
10 to 15 grams of... volunteers and charity groups
to move them. Oh, wow. A Russian truck carrying
502 of the insoles, each with 1 .5 grams of TNT,
was later intercepted. An anonymous Ukrainian
This report comes in a pattern of sabotage operations
targeting Russian forces. As Kim Post previously
reported, a batch of Skyzone Cobra FPV drone
goggles sent to Russian units in early February
contained improvised explosive devices designed
to detonate while in use. Around 80 sets were
delivered through volunteer networks with each
containing about a half Mm -hmm. adding that
their production of surprise -loaded equipment
has expanded beyond the Carpathians into Russian
territory. Nice. Ukrainians ain't playing. They
ain't playing around. No, I love that. That's
kind of like the bat bombs in World War II and
stuff like that. You know... You're not going
to walk down the road, you know, you're marching
in formation, your shoe blows up. How fucking
brilliant. Hey, Grushno over there just blew
up. Those fucking Ukrainians. Hey, does everybody
have their asshole of the week? I don't know.
I don't know. He just went boom. Hey, does everybody
have their asshole of the week? I do. I do too.
We've been threatening to do this, so you guys
want to do it? All right, who wants to... I'll
go first. All right, my asshole of the week and
newly elected Hall of Famer in the ass paddling
is... It's the guy with the very small, poorly
executed and boring internet show, Craig Carton.
The dickless wonder for suggesting that Travis
Kelsey was leaving the Chiefs for the New York
Giants. Yeah. He is the asshole of the week.
And if he doesn't watch it, it'll be Asshole
of the Month and maybe Asshole of the Decade.
Wow. Yeah, and all this is allegedly... He's
a little bitch. Little bitch. That's basically
what he's saying. Kelsey ain't shit unless he
plays in a New York team. Then you can talk about
Hall of Fame. Well, the problem with Craig is
he doesn't have a dick, so him saying that would
be useless. He wants him to join his brother's
legacy. I overheard someone saying that he just
wanted to see... His brother lives in Philadelphia.
That's close to New York. Yeah, it's an hour
away. I think that it's like this. Someone said
that they thought that Craig liked looking at
Kelsey's ass and he wanted it to be in his hometown.
That's probably more likely. Yeah, I can't confirm
it. That's just what I heard on the street. Rumor
has it. That's all. I might believe it, but it's
a rumor. What's up? All right, Topher. D 'oh!
the freaking beast. No, I know. I know. They're
little bastards, too. Yes. All right, Rob. All
right. All right. Come on, guys. You know who
my asshole of the week is. Shia LaBeouf. Shia
LaBeouf. Yeah, give it to her. All right. I think
I agree. He's also in the Hall of Fame, too.
Well, maybe next episode we can get to some of
the ass paddlings and get some of them out of
the way. Yeah. All right. Does anyone have anything
else, or should we shut this abortion down? All
right. Sounds good. And Topher, I think Wednesday
is probably going to be the best day. If it changes,
I'll let you know. But right now I'm saying Wednesday
will be the day that we broadcast out the city
market. All right. I'll let my dog sit her head.
Okay. And that would be with our good friends.
We meet up, do commercials. Yes. Yep. Yep. That
sounds good. Yep. Yep. We got a couple of surprises
coming up. Also, we will be outside City Market
Coffee, the best coffee in Kansas City, and probably
the world, but we can't exactly prove that. And
also Corollos. They are a really great Italian
deli and market in Kansas City. They've been
there since the 30s, I believe. 30s or 40s. Long
-standing tradition in Kansas City. You go get
a coffee from City Market Coffee. You walk over
to Corollos. Fucking really, really delicious
biscotti or cannolis. They have lemon cake. They
have great sandwiches, too. What was that one?
The Napoleon or something like that, right? Oh,
man, that thing is so good. And yeah, so and
then Hibachi House, if you want some really good
shawarma slash heroes and some Middle Eastern
and Mediterranean food, they are fantastic. And
we thank all of them for all their help in assisting
us every time we go there and their friendliness
and their openness to having us there. So thank
you all very much. And we encourage everybody
to go to those places. and we've got a couple
other surprises coming up, too. So the podcast
is really starting to do well. I mean, it always
did do well, but now it's really starting to
catch fire. So thank you all for listening. This
is not the show where I tell you all to go fuck
yourselves, so I'm not going to. Everybody, thank
you for listening. Good night, assholes. Oh,
no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has
explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.