Good evening. All the obtuse, incognizant, unsagacious,
ill -informed, dull -witted, adulpated, dunder
-headed, feather -brained, muddle -headed, but
lovable listeners. This is your warning. You're
headed straight for the douchebag gangbang. That's
right. Run while you are able. Don't look back.
Topa, Mark, and Rob... are headed for your ear
holes in three, two, one. Here at Two Douchebags
and a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic
integrity. Go ahead and assume we got the story
wrong. At least we admit it. Not like all those
other guys. We can and will lie if it makes the
story better. Two douchebags and a microphone.
Here at the gangbang, we realize no one wants
to do a douchebag pledge. We simply will not
waste your time with bullshit. By the way. Remember
to enter dinner with the douchebags contest.
Good luck. Hey peeps, it's time for the police
blotter. That's right, stories about stupid criminals
and the dumbassness that ensued. Let us begin
now. In September 2025, a Canadian man was arrested
for DUI while attempting to drive a Barbie jeep.
Not only did the scaled -down Jeep stand out,
not it would only go five miles an hour. The
police chase ended quickly. The subject, George
Fizzoli, did not get his six -pack. Bit did get
a free Uber ride with lights a -flashing straight
to jail. Hey, everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm
gonna give you some tips for life. When you want
to save a part, bitch, but you have to come...
I can't believe the coffee grinder is broke at
the big box store. There's no way I can be expected
to grind my coffee beans every damn morning.
Next up, things overheard in hell. Man, Axl Rose
is such a great childhood therapist. I hope he
writes more books. Strange, but true. In the
1920s, there was a health drink called Radithor
that literally contained radium. and consequentially,
slowly killed his customers. Evan Byers, a wealthy
American socialite, died from Radithor radium
poisoning in 1932. When his body was exhumed
in 1965 for study, his remains were still highly
radioactive. The only reason Radithor didn't
cause a public health crisis at the time was
because it could only be afforded by the rich.
Hello and welcome everybody. This is the Douchebag
Gangbang. I am Mark here in the Kansas City vicinity
at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob in
Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track and also home
of the... The coffee is hot and available 24
hours a day. The space heater is on. And I'm
about 10 days away from my annual cancer test.
And if it comes back clean, I'll be a five -year
survivor. Life is good in Kansas City. And also,
you get to go to the Gibson Garage, too, if I
remember correctly. Well, we kind of changed
our plan on that because I started reading some
bad reviews about people's buying experience
at the Gibson Garage. Oh. So we... We decided
that instead of going there and picking out a
guitar, I get to pick out a guitar from wherever.
So there you go. Okay. All right. Well, that's
cool. As long as you get a guitar that you want,
that's cool. Yeah, I've pretty much got my eye
on a specific one. Oh, good, good. And also,
fuck cancer. Yeah, thank you. Well, Change .org
has put together a petition for July 22, 2026,
this year, of course, to be International Ozzy
Osbourne Day. I'm all in on that one. Yeah, isn't
that cool? Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah, I already
signed it, so all you've got to do is change
.org and look up the Ozzy Osbourne petition,
and it'll be there. Nice. I encourage everybody
that hears this to do it, too. It won't hurt
you, even if you don't like him doing it, but
most people do. You know what? If you don't like
him, no. No, no. If you don't like him, get away.
No. We don't want anything to do with you if
you don't like him, right? Right. I'm kidding.
Yeah. Did you guys happen to see the Mardi Gras
parade? It had thousands of people dressed as
Ozzy. No. No. I didn't see that. Oh, look it
up. It's at the Mardi Gras. It was like on Fat
Tuesday, I believe. And there's thousands of
people dressed up like Ozzy with the glasses,
the hair, you know, what he usually wore, all
that stuff. And it was really cool. Some of them
looked really good. And some of them were kind
of, you know, they're kind of like Elvis's, you
know. Some Elvis's are like, wow. And then others
are like, you know, they're kind of comical.
It was like that. It was really cool. So, anyhow,
as I speak, I have the vid, or also known as
COVID. Ah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, damn. Yep, yep, yep.
And it's around noon today. I woke up from my
nyquil coma. I feel pretty good. I'm still in
solitary confinement, though, because Val has
her surgery this Thursday for her back. So she
can't be exposed to these germs, and they may
postpone it anyhow because she's been around
COVID. Yeah. So we'll see what happens. Hopefully
she can get it in and hopefully get on a road
to recovery, but we'll see what happens. Yeah.
I know they're pretty worried about the COVID
and all that stuff. Anyhow, yeah, COVID came
back for me again, bastard. Yeah. Yep. Anyhow,
Brett. And usually COVID isn't that bad on me.
It's the sinus infections and the flus that get
me. So when this one was pretty severe at first
and I was like, you know, when I took the test,
I'm like, yeah, I know it's the flu. I know it's
the flu. No, this happened to be COVID. So came
back and gave me an ass paddling, didn't it?
His mother nature had something to do with this.
I guarantee it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's keeping
you honest, I think. I think so, too. I think
so, too. She's shaking her finger in my face.
No more. So practically everything I wrote on
NyQuil I scrapped. Turns out NyQuil is not very
good for creativity. Did you know that? Yeah.
I can imagine. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was. It's
kind of like singing karaoke when you're drunk.
Yes. You're hitting all those notes just perfectly.
There you go. There you go. Then you watch the
replay, and you're like, oh, oh. Yeah. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Yeah, so every one of them I reread,
and I'm like, ah, no, no, no. It was horrible.
So the good news is. I like the stuff that I
write when I'm pissed off. I go back and look
at it and say, mm, uh -uh. Oh, you too? That's
going to cause some trouble. You too? I do that
too. What, Rob? Yeah. I agree. Yeah. You don't
write what you're pissed off. No. No. True feelings
are not a good thing. They're not a good thing
sometimes. That's why we call it rant night.
Yeah. Rant night. Yeah. And we do get into those.
We try not to very much. So the good news is
300 pounds of phlegm has now been discharging
from myself, so I feel much lighter. So. So,
I've got this new thing. It's called my quote
of the week, okay? So, Kerry King of Slayer said
this. One time we saw some hookers, but when
we got closer, we realized it was Motley Crue.
That was so good. I had some really good quote
of the weeks, right? But then when I read that,
I'm like, I crumpled all up and said, no, this
is it right here. You know, and who hasn't done
that? You know, seeing some hair and like turn
around and say, oh, and then they turn around
like, oh, oh, oh, oh, my eyes. I used to get
that all the time. And then after you stare at
the ass for a while, you look up and you go,
whoops. I was like, dude, you know, you might
have a different chromosome. You just don't know.
It's pretty close. And also, finally, I have
this. Have you ever shook someone's hand and
worried about dick hands? Yeah, you know what
I mean. You know he just touched his Johnson
and he didn't wash his hands, right? Yeah, there's
that kind of cold. It's kind of slimy, but kind
of dry at the same time. Yes, yes. I try not
to think about it. That's why I try to do fist
bumps only, because, I mean, yeah. That's why
you never eat from the bowl of peanuts on the
bar. Yes. Like the popcorn machine at Buzzard
Beach. Yes. That was right next to the bathrooms.
And I'm not kidding you. We would just sit there
in that table next to the popcorn machine, watch
people come straight out of the bathroom and
wash it without washing their hands. Well, they
couldn't. Half the time the sink was broke. And
they would come out there and stick their hands
and just rummage all over that fucking popcorn.
And then we'd see some little Johnson County
and I walk up and grab a bunch of popcorn. Oh,
this stuff is delicious. And we'd just sit there
and laugh and laugh. Enjoy your dick hands. Enjoy
the popcorn. Penis popcorn. Mmm. Like that dick
popcorn? Now I'm sure you're used to dick popcorn.
I don't think he scrapped all of his NyQuil stories,
Toby. I don't think he did, no. Maybe this one
did escape from the NyQuil coma. I don't know.
So I used to have this team leader I used to
work with at the old place, the shithole. I could
just tell that he had dick hands. He never had
a girlfriend in his... His personal hygiene was
horrible. He was quite smelly at times. I used
to look at his hands and tell he had dick hands.
Yeah. Okay, okay. Rob, you too? Yeah. Yeah, you
look at someone and go, yeah, they have dick
hands. Yeah, okay. Yeah. All right, well, you
know what? If that was NyQuil or not, I still
liked it, right? Yeah. Sorry. So, anyhow, all
right. With the thought of dick hands, I turn
it over to Rob. Please clean this up. Okay. Uh
oh. confident. God, that's a dangerous combination.
You know, wouldn't it have been easier to just
have gotten a job and obeyed the law? Yes. Yeah,
yeah. Not kill somebody. Yeah, yeah. Since he
was competent, you think he could do that, right?
Yeah. All right. This life was better. You know,
once you start digging your eyes out and cutting
your tongue, I mean, I don't know. Something
tells me crazy. I mean, but maybe I'm crazy.
I don't know. I mean, yeah. Well, that was just
in a different direction. So for that, I thank
you, Rob. Yeah. has given us one of the best
ways to defend human creativity over AI creativity.
Well before co -founding Pedalboard Games or
joining Indie Powerhouse Strange Scaffold, developer
Colin McInerney cut his teeth testing games at
Bethesda Softworks, doing quality assurance during
his college days. In a recent interview, he discussed
one particular method he used to crash the game
Fallout 4. He was saying the Xbox One has 8 gigs
of RAM, so if you get above that, the game's
going to crash. So I was thinking, how can I
break this? And that thought occurring to me,
no one else was doing things like that. That
isn't standard testing practice of how can I
leak memory from the game. So what I wound up
doing, he went on, I went into the console and
gave myself a billion experience points, which
put me at like level 247. And I walked around
with a unique missile launcher that launched
20 nukes at once. So I ran around super nuking
the entire land and found four game crashes.
Now, the best part of this story was back in
those days, that would automatically send out
an email blast to the entire ZeniMax media company.
So Robert Altman, the president, was getting
emails that somebody found four crashes in a
single morning. And the best quote is this one.
I would love to see AI do my job. I am professionally
stupid in a way that a machine could not even
dream of. So let's hear it for the creative stupidity
of the common man. I love that, yes. Yeah, absolutely.
Now, before we go, was that it, Topher? That
was it. Okay. Before we go into Bigger Threat,
we've got a little bit of a controversy. Let
me start this out. You know two fucknuts in a
recorder, right? They're our nemesis, right?
Yes. Well, they claim they have the name Biggest
Threat, and they want us to change it. So, Rob,
you had a suggestion? Yeah. Seeing how we're
going, we're pretty much making these up on our
own. It's pretty much our own fears. So I call
it Our Biggest Fear. Yeah, I do too. And plus,
two fucknuts and a recorder. I mean, we don't
want to be on their level. They suck. So, you
know what? If they want the biggest threat, they
can have it. Yeah. Yeah. This will keep them
from going all Robert De Niro on us and getting
all whiny. Yes. Right, right. All I can say is
the rumors about them two are true. Right? Yeah,
that's what I hear. The private detective. I
mean, I heard that someone had a private detective
hired. Yeah, I heard that, too. That was weird.
I mean, I don't know who would do that to you.
I don't either. No. It was pretty expensive,
but, you know. I heard it was very expensive,
but I wouldn't know for sure like you guys. Allegedly.
Allegedly, yes, yes. All right, so do you want
to go into biggest fears or biggest fear? Let's
do it. All right. Let's do it. Okay, my first
biggest fear would be toe fungus. Weak urine
stream. Or be in Chuck Schumer's personal masseuse.
Oh, I'm going to say Chuck Schumer's. Although
Tofungus sucks. And so does Weak Urine. Yeah,
yeah. Weak urine stream is, yeah. You're there
forever. I don't think I could, I couldn't bring
myself to touch Charles Schumer. No. Oh, my God.
His whole saggy fucking skin everywhere. Oh,
my God. Oh, you know he'd want the happy ending,
too, allegedly. Oh, of course. Of course. It'll
probably take a day and a half. He'd be going,
and looking down. Oh, time's up. Look, look,
it's an hour. I've got to go. All right, and
with that, I turn this over to Rob. Yeah, I'm
really partial to my kneecaps, so yeah. Yeah.
Even if you flew the hang glider into the mountain,
the bookie would still find you there. Yes, and
he'd break your kneecaps there. Allegedly. Well,
see, I was going to go with darkness for 48 hours
because I think I would actually like you to
get away. No, I was kind of thinking that too.
I got plenty of NyQuil left for the darkness,
you know. I slam the night cool. 48 hours later,
I wake up in the sunlight. There you go. All
right, for my biggest fear. On your way out the
door, you find your car covered in either green
pollen. I mean, I'm talking completely covered.
Either green pollen, hard, thick frost, or bird
crap. I'm going to say frost because you can
de -thaw it. Yeah, I think I'm going to have
to be green pollen as well. I actually answered
that ass backwards. I'm sorry. I got COVID. Yes,
pollen would be my biggest fear. Not the easiest
way to get out of it. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, pollen. Oh, that stuff is just, it chokes
you. It does. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, I walk
outside right now. There's so much pollen in
the air that, like, man, I got to get back in.
I mean, it's just, it kills me. Yeah. And we're
not even peak season yet. No, not yet at all.
You have to contact the chief and get some of
those good steroids. Oh, yeah. Allegedly. Allegedly.
Yeah, well, I didn't say the Kansas City Chiefs.
Oh, that's right. That's right. Okay. Yeah. Okay,
I stand corrected. You're right. No one said
the Kansas City Chiefs at all. I thought of that
last second. I'm glad I did. Yeah, thank you.
Thank you. All right. Biggest fear? A boring
chick flick you're obligated to watch on a 75
-degree evening. A bag of bacon potatoes rotting
before you had time to cook them. Or accidentally
leaving ABC World News on and having to listen
to just a minute of it. Well, between ABC News
and the rotting potatoes, both of them would
probably make you hurl. But you could probably
get the potatoes out of your mind faster than
the ABC News. True. So ABC News is probably going
to be the most fearsome. I agree. Yeah, you can
go out and buy new potatoes. Can you imagine
having to listen to David Muir's smug voice?
Oh, that would hurt my ears so bad. My ears would
divorce me. They've all got their own little
cult of personality that just loves to tune in,
and whatever they say, they eat it up. Oh, yeah,
they do. They do. Yep. Force -fed, gobble, gobble,
gobble, the sheep eat it. Yep. Yep. And that's
what the show is for, so. Yeah. It's not aimed
at us. It's their show. It's not for us. No,
you're right. That's right. They don't want us
listening. They don't want us watching. Nope.
So I don't. Prison shower. Prison shower. Yeah.
The headhunters will be quick. Yes. Getting bagged
to death. Prison shower will not be quick. Every
orifice of yours will be quick. Every time you
hear a zipper, you would like go into shell shock.
You'd start hiding behind bushes and crying.
I had a good imagination this week, just saying.
I say. Did you have some NyQuil, Rob, by any
chance? No. No, I did not. Okay. All right. My
next, which is the biggest fear? ESPN's recent
purchase of the NFL Network? Or people being
serious? about bringing back the washed up and
overpriced Tyreek Hill. Or the leaked info recently
online suggesting that NFL stadiums are working
together to make minimum spending requirements
for all people attending games. Either in the
form of you keep a card on file like you do at
a hotel, or when you buy your ticket, you also
have to buy a preloaded card that is good for
that day only. So they make sure you spend enough
to justify getting that seat. That's just a rumor
that's been leaked out, but they're saying the
rumor says all NFL stadiums are working together
because if one does it, they're all going to
do it. Well, where did PSLs come from? Yeah,
I think I probably believe that one. They're
working on that. Yeah, they want to price us
out. They have. So that being said, I don't give
a fuck about going to an NFL game ever again.
So I'm going to say Tyreek Hill. Yeah, I'm tempted
to say Tyreek Hill, too. Excuse me. Tyreek Hill
as well. But the second one, I mean the third
one about the minimum spending, that could actually
destroy the game entirely. And it probably will.
Yeah. I think I'm going to go with minimum spending.
Okay. I'll put it like this. Look what Greed
done for baseball. Yeah. NFL's on the same track,
just on a different way of doing it. Yeah. So,
yeah, you know what? Fuck him. I don't need to
go to a game ever again. Yeah, I pretty much
decided I was priced out a while ago, so I'll
just enjoy it on TV. I'd rather be on TV anyhow.
What about you, Rob? Yeah. They're going to up
the prices like that. And Topher, I know your
answer. We've talked about this enough times.
We'd rather watch it at home anyhow. But you
know, if you really have the urge to go to a
football game, go to a high school game. Yes.
Those are a blast. Oh, those are great. Good
point. Yeah. Good point. I agree. Yeah. All right.
My next biggest fear would be... Stepping wrong
on your ankle and being crippled for a few days.
Having to listen to some loudmouth in a store
talk loudly to his great aunt while in line.
Or Whoopi Goldberg holding a gun to your head
and making you shave her privates. Whoopi. Oh
my God. Can you imagine the smell? I still have
COVID, Topher. Take it easy on me. I can't smell
right now, and already I can smell. And then
you remember Ted Danson had his face in there.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What was he thinking?
What was he thinking? I don't know. I don't know.
No. No, it was not. No. It's okay, I got a black
girlfriend, I can do it. He thought he was exempt
because he had a black girlfriend. He found out
quickly he was not. Yep. If I remember right,
it cost him quite a bit of money. Quite a bit
of money in movie deals he could have. Yeah,
I think he had a few of them pulled because of
that, yes. Yeah. Yeah, something like that will
get at least Disney to never go... Disney owns
a lot. So that cuts you out of a lot of the market.
Yeah, Disney is, yeah, we won't even go into
them anyhow. I call them Jizney, not Disney,
Jizney. Yeah. Well, I always say, FTM, fuck the
mouse. Yeah, I agree. So we all agree, Whoopi
Goldberg is the one we don't, that's our biggest
fear. Yeah. sidetracked quite a bit, but that's
half the fun. Yes, it is. We're climaxing, okay?
Just let us do it. I'm so excited. I think it's
Rob. Yeah, it is. be on the next Ocean Gate type
submersible. You know, the one that is. Wow.
Ocean Gate. Ocean Gate, yeah. I don't want to
drive down there to the bottom of the ocean.
Did you guys read up on that by chance? It took
them 12 hours for it to flatten. They knew when
they decompressed that they had 12 hours to live.
Right. Would that not just suck? That sucks.
Yeah. Yeah, it is. Boy, you have a long time
to get right with God, don't you? True, true.
Yeah? Well, maybe they all went to heaven, right?
Let's hope. Oh, no, they were filthy rich, so
maybe not. I don't know. Allegedly. I'll watch
it. Yeah. Oh, is that what you guys agree with?
Yes. Yeah, I think we all went with God. ocean
gate okay yeah we did all right for me the next
uh biggest which is the biggest fear zombie storms
that's the ones when it looks like the storm
is all done and it's just weakening and falling
apart and then all of a sudden it regroups and
becomes an even more powerful storm oh like the
five tornado night yeah it's been happening a
lot more lately it's like you think the storm
Walking catfish, which is creepy as hell if you've
ever seen it. Yes, I have. Or food microwaved
in plastic. Food microwaved in plastic. Oh, without
a doubt. Without a doubt. Yeah, but when you're
a bachelor, you do what you got to do. Oh, yeah.
Especially warming up the bologna to masturbate
in, right? You can't go past 10. If you go past
10 seconds, it's too hot. And then you add the
plastic container, put those chemicals into the
food. Yeah, yeah. If nothing else, the plastic
always retains a little bit of taste of dish
soap. Yes. Right, right. Always. We've all had
our bachelor days where that happened, don't
we? Yep. Yep. Right here, I'm warming up a nice
bowl of Jet Dry. Whatever little salt would taste
good on this Jet Dry. All right, Mark, it's up
to you. Oh, okay. Biggest fear, bacon that was
spoiled when you cooked it and you ate it not
knowing. A bag of scat being thrown at your face.
Or having to sleep on J .D. Vance's couch. Oh,
yeah. Is everybody familiar with that story?
I'm familiar enough. Okay. I'm going to say J
.D. Vance's couch. Yeah, unless you can get a
temper. glue your ass cheeks together. Yeah,
that's about it. That's the only way you'd be
safe on that couch. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, we're all
in agreement. Some of these are easy. Yeah, some
of them are pretty clear cut. That one's a clear
cut. Been there, done that. Yeah. Or being abandoned
on the International Space Station for two months
alone. I'm tempted to say workplace shift, not
doing anything before you, but probably the International
Space Station. Yeah, I'm going to have to agree
with the Space Station. I do not do well in isolation.
No. Yeah. Abandon you. I'm glad to go to the
Space Station because of how long it took us
to get the other ones. Yeah, it was. Joe Biden
had to finish his ice cream. At one point, Boeing
was publicly complaining to everyone who would
listen that they were tired of people making
jokes about it because it was making them look
bad. Yeah, probably. That was their idea of PR
and handling the situation. Whine. Yeah. Stop
showing it! You guys are a bunch of meanies.
Man, a once proud company. Yeah, fucked. Yep.
Yep. Alright. Alright. Which would be the biggest
fear? Arnold Schwarzenegger making an Outlaw
Country album with Willie Nelson. Jimmy Kimmel.
routine with Mariah Carey or Bad Bunny owning
a NASCAR team? Oh. Oh. I don't like any of those
choices. I'm going to say Jimmy Kimmel. Bad Bunny,
I just, you know, okay, he owns a NASCAR team.
I never watch NASCAR, so that doesn't affect
me. I might accidentally... Go ahead. Go ahead.
Oh, I just might accidentally... Someone asked
about Mariah Carey? Yeah. What was the one about
Mariah Carey? Oh, it was Jimmy Kimmel doing a
ventriloquist routine. It's your choice who's
the ventriloquist and who plays the dummy. Either
one. Yeah, good point. Good point. And it's around
Fourth of July. Oh, you're right. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I think I'm going to go with Schwarzenegger
making an Outlaw Country album with Willie Nelson
because my curiosity is going to make me listen
to it at least once. That's a good point. If
they never make it, I'll never have to listen
to it. But if they make it, I'm... You know,
that is dangerous ground there. Yeah, okay, you
know what? I changed my vote. I changed my vote.
Okay. Yeah, they're all pretty bad. Yeah, yeah.
They were pretty even up on horribleness. Yeah,
they were. All right. Biggest fear. Being a test
person for a huge pharmaceutical company. Having
possessed dolls scream at you while you're sleeping.
Or The View getting renewed for several years.
The View. Yeah, it's going to have to be The
View. They bother me just knowing they exist.
I still hear a lot about it, even though I don't
watch it. Exactly. It is a strong force for evil.
Yes. Yeah, it is. Yeah, we don't need that evilness
in our society, no. Rushie Rice's car. Oh, gosh.
Yeah, probably Richie Rice's car. You don't know
if you're going to live on that one. Rob, I give
you an A, A plus. A, A plus on that one. That
was good. Yeah, you don't know if you're going
to make it through that one. Warm flat beer.
Or taking seven cooked hamburgers off the grill
when you only put six on raw. I'm going to say
hamburgers. Mystery burger. Mystery burger. Yeah,
mystery burger. Oh, the watery deviled eggs are
really close. I'm going to say burgers. Yeah.
I'm out of flat beer. Like the next morning,
I've had some warm flat beer. It's okay. You
can do it. Yeah, you can get to it. As long as
there's not a cigarette butt floating in it anywhere
that you can do it. Yeah, you can do it. Yeah.
All right. I'm out of them. That was all I had.
You guys have more? Yeah, that's all I had. I
got one more. Okay. All right. Which is the biggest
fear? Traces of dish soap in your coffee? I'm
going to say water. Water that, yeah. Yeah, I've
had that. You can only smell it if you can't
see it, so you don't know what that is. That
dish soap taste is hard to get out of your mouth.
Yeah, but I remember at a hotel once, all the
water coming out of the faucet, it just smelled
bad coming out, but it tasted fine. Yeah. Yeah,
I made coffee with it, and it tasted fine, but
it's like, oh, my God, what's that smell? It
really makes you contemplate. Yeah, it makes
you question life, doesn't it? It's like, huh?
Yes. All right, let's take our first break. Definitely
makes you wonder how your morning's going to
go. Yes, yeah. Just sets the tone you don't want
for the morning. Right. All right, let's go to
our first break. We got some emails. Hey there.
have those annoying co -workers that do nothing
there's nothing we can do about it because hr
departments are running scared of lawyers so
we have to work with these worthless pieces of
garbage but we have to communicate about them
without them knowing about it here at two douchebags
microphone we developed a way that you can speak
about them right in front of them without them
knowing about it stay tuned the physics group
They focus on the absolute lack of movement or
the laws of nature they seem to defy. The glazier,
they spend all day staring through windows or
at screens without actually touching anything.
G -force, they act like they're being pinned
to their chair by nine GGs of atmospheric pressure.
The human speed bump. Everyone has to work around
them to get the job done. The Invisibles. For
the co -worker who is a master at disappearing
when work appears. The Ghost. You hear stories
about them, but you rarely actually see them
working. Have you ever wondered what something
came about? Have you ever looked at something
and said, Hey, I wonder what the origin of that
is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you
the origin of. This is the origin of Rob Rad's
loincloth. Rob used to strip in a nightclub called
McCock's on the city's east side. Rob was the
only completely new dancer at the club. The other
dancers were jealous of Rob making all the cash
and made him use a loincloth to dance with. Rob
soon had to wear his loincloth daily. He found
out that he could get out of traffic tickets,
sell vinyl siding, and pick up hotties at the
come and go. Rob now wears his loincloth everywhere
except work. Sparks plus pubic hair equals to
bad things. Sir, I see your qualifications here.
May I ask some further questions that could help
me determine your employment eligibility? Yes,
sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here, we
have a large population of different ethnic backgrounds,
sexuality, and ages. Are you by chance bilingual?
Well, sir, I'm not sure why you need that kind
of information, but, well, it was only one time
in summer camp. I considered it experimental.
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for
brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
There's a small island in the South Pacific where
people actually talk with eye movements. And
now we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could
you please put my plain bread in a small countertop
appliance with heating elements that would spring
loaded and would brown my bread adequately? Well,
first off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over
there sitting at the table having a drink. Second
off, are you talking about someone toasting your
bread? Well, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about
my bread being toasted. Then why don't you just
ask for your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard?
The hell's wrong with you? Ms. Gulkenstein was
tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of her.
Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob, the capuchin monkey, tries to sell
the rest of the capuchin monkey's amway. Rob
has always dreamed of becoming a diamond status
amway as a capuchin monkey. Little did our hero
Rob know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Our constant
pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange
insults from an alien. Real hilarity. May, your
grandmother always intruded your thoughts. At
the last minute, why? Hey there, this is Buford
Rasputin, the common sense concierge. You ever
wake up in the bed of 1978 Ford F -150 with rusted
out wheel wells? Well, so have I. Oh, there's
nothing I can do about all those nice little
apology cards you're going to be handing out
and all that head pounding. The one thing I can
do is give you a list of die bar do's and don'ts.
Stay tuned, little partner. People often ask,
how do we cram so much money into one little
show? Well, it's simple. We buy funny in bulk
on the Internet. Hey, Mark, you're wanted at
the front door. There's a big bag of funny they
need you to sign for. Okay, thanks a lot. I'll
be right there. I'm still sorting out the funny
we got from yesterday. There's your answer. We
buy funny in bulk on the Internet. You watched
the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. Who may die
from plants are essential. The dyes can be used
to mark locations on trees, even to color clothing
or to be laid out to where footprints or paw
prints could be left. The dye can be placed on
the ground around the perimeter of your dwelling.
So if you have to leave, evidence will be present
to assess the situation. Hey, you pilgrims. This
is Mark from Two Douchebags and Microphone. And
this is the Two Douchebags and Microphone part
of the day. Hey, good kid. No one gives an ounce
of shit what you had for breakfast. Not even
the person on the other end. You look like a
mentally slow driv yelling into thin air all
through the store. I pray that Bluetooth shorts
out and blows up your eardrums. What men consider
self -centered dunce. Mommy constantly coddled
this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look back
home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably forgot
the theming because you're too busy looking in
the mirror all day. Fuck off. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Oh, wait a minute. No, no,
no. No, no, no. This is the Douchebag Gangbang.
Welcome back. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I'm Topher
in the Paisley Possum Studios, just south of
historic Waldo, Missouri. The coffee is hot and
available 24 hours a day. The space heater is
on, and there's really nothing on TV, so you
might as well stick around and listen. This is
true. Good boy. All right, plus we got e -mails.
I mean, we all know the e -mails much better
than us, right? Yeah, definitely. Yeah. So, all
right, the first one. Hey, guys, could you guys
add another show per week, the Gang Bang show
in particular? I just need more. I love all the
shows, but you all really hit a home run with
this one. Ross in Texas. Thank you, Ross. Yeah,
yeah, thank you, Ross, but I really don't, I
mean. I mean, I'm kind of tapped out after four
shows a week. Yeah. Yeah, we all have, like,
jobs and lives and things, and we don't monetize
this at all. Yeah. So we want to keep it fun.
Yeah. Yeah, so we really appreciate your interest
and everything, but it's probably never going
to happen. I mean, we'd all have to be retired
with nothing to do. I mean, just nothing. We
all have stuff that we like to do, other interests,
other things, chores, everything. It sounds a
lot easier than what it is, honestly, believe
me. It takes a lot of work. It really does. About
the only thing we could really do would be make
longer podcasts and then release them in pieces.
You always have something new coming out every
couple days. That's possible. We can look into
that. You know, at the city market, if we get
on a roll, we can always do longer ones. We have.
We've done two -and -a -half, three -hour ones
before, a couple of them. So, you know, probably
not all the time, Rossington, but, you know,
we can throw you little tidbits here and there.
And I am planning on doing some little I call
bullshit solo stuff. Yeah, they're only about
ten minutes long, but it's something you can
chew on while you're waiting for the next one.
So, yeah. I think that'll work. Yeah, yeah. So
thank you, Ross. And anyhow, if any of you two
have something you want to do, a solo project
or something, I know Topher can do his own and
then just send me the file or put it up himself.
Right. And then, Rob, if you ever want to do
something, this studio is always available. You
can call it in. Right. Okay. So, Ross, we're
working on helping you out a little bit, but
we don't know how much we're going to be able
to do. That's just the way it is. Thank you.
Right. It's called life. Yeah. But Rossington
is one of our best listeners. He is royalty,
and we thank him for being that interested in
the show. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, and Rossington,
this isn't the first time he's expressed to me
how much he loves Topher on this show. He has
not quit talking about it. That warms my heart.
That really does. That's awesome. I appreciate
all the... All the support and all the approval.
It's great. No, it's been overwhelming. It's
been overwhelming. Everybody is all in favor
of it. They love it. Well, I am having a really
good time. Yeah, I think we all are, aren't we?
Yeah, I am. I think we really needed this. We
really did. We did. It's such a release. I look
forward to it every Sunday night. Okay. All right.
Next one. Mark. Where can I find the food dude
on Instagram? I'm going to do a little traveling
soon. Thanks, Josh in Omaha. I don't know what
happened to it. I mean, I did it back when I
was traveling for work. And I would usually do
like coffee shops, and I'd rate bagels, danishes,
stuff like that, and coffees. Every now and then
I went into a little bit of food, but it was
called The Food Dude, and it's no longer on Instagram.
Some other person has something like it called
The Food Duty or something like that. I don't
know. I don't know what happened to it, but I
have all the transcripts. Email me. And where
you're going, just send me a couple of names
of where you're going. And if I have something,
I will send you the transcript of what I had
up there. Because I have all the transcripts
still. I don't know why I kept them, but I did.
Josh. So, anyhow. Anybody got anything for that?
No, I don't really have any that would fill that
niche. Okay. All right, next one. This is for
Rob and Topher. Do you guys do any solo shows
or plan on it in the near future? I know Mark
is on all of them and will occasionally do a
solo cast. Just wondering, Molly in Memphis.
Well, Rob, why don't you address that first?
Oh, that's a good idea. I actually have done
a couple solo projects put up on the site. I
did one about movies with weird titles, and I
did another one about my favorite guitar solos
from Alice Cooper recordings. I love that one.
And both of those should still be up there somewhere,
but I would have no idea how you would search
for it. It is season... Four, I believe. Okay.
Maybe they can search by the title. One was Strange
Movie Titles, and the other one was Favorite
Guitar Solos. Oh, that's cool. Oh, you did the
Storm Special. Yeah, I do have some ideas for
some other ones that I can just do on my own
and put up. I've got one actually in process.
and I change it, so I'm not really sure what
it's going to be about at this point. I know
the feeling on that, yeah. It's my own version
of the NyQuil stuff. Molly, thank you for your
interest. The answer, I guess, would be yes.
Yeah. I mean, the overwhelming thing is people
want more, which is a good thing. That's a very
good thing. Okay, next one. Well, Mark, where
the hell is the Bluetooth? with the old man you
worked with story. Mitch in Kansas City eating
barbecue at Gates on Main Street. P .S. I am
staying at the Country Club Plaza Hilton, so
Mark, you can feel free not to visit me. They
toss out homeless people all the time. You must
have dressed up if you got in. Mitch, you're
back home now because I emailed you. Yes, I know
you're back home now, but even if you was still
here, I wouldn't waste the time. No, no, no,
I would. I'd go give you COVID and take off.
No. Mitch, I'm sorry about that time a long time
ago when I made you run through the field with
a boner. I'm sorry about that, okay? What can
I do to make it up? I mean, can I give you a
Whitman sampler? You know, I don't know. A dozen
bouquet of flowers? Russell Stover's set? I don't
know. You know? All right, next one. Oh, this
one's good, and I don't know why they asked this,
but Topher, what is your most embarrassing story
ever, Jeff and Springfield? story? Wow. Well,
one that I can think of recently that I keep
thinking back on and cringing is I was down at
the Knuckleheads Jam and feeling kind of confident
about myself and my abilities and the guys counted
in the next song and I started playing and I
was exactly opposite of the beat. and I couldn't
tell. Oh. And the bass player finally came over
and yelled at me, he said, you're playing backwards,
and I had to stop for a couple beats, and then,
okay, okay, here it is, and I picked up, but,
wow, I was up there feeling awesome about myself,
and I was doing it exactly wrong. Wow. Oh. But
I have been back since then, and nobody threw
rotten fruit at me, so I think I'm forgiven.
That's a good thing. There you go. That's a pretty
good one, actually. All right. This next one,
I don't know either. Rob, do you eat ketchup
with your fries? Terry in Minnesota. Yeah. I
don't know many people that don't. I don't think
I know anybody that doesn't eat ketchup, at least
a little bit. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah, I do. Okay.
Every now and then, my wife will have, Oh, those
are good. Yeah. I think you can get those up
at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Oh, they do that,
too? I remember Long John Silver's and Captain
D's used to do that, too. Yeah, I remember the
little bottle at the table and thinking, what
the heck is this stuff? Yeah. Yeah, and you accidentally
spilled some on your fries. You didn't know it
was for your fries. You thought it was for the
fish, right? and you accidentally spilled it
on your fries, you're like, hey, that's not too
bad. You thought you discovered something, but
actually it was for the fries. All right, so
Terry in Minnesota, there you go. All right,
Mark, your prediction on the non -prosecution
looks to be true. Do you have any other predictions?
Wesley Alexander, but doesn't give where this
person lives. Yeah, more lying, more corruption,
and more thievery. That's my prediction. Anybody
else have anything? You mentioned this, Mark,
the other day on a podcast that it's like a gentleman's
agreement that you can expose a politician and
ridicule them and ruin their career and chase
them out of office, but you don't prosecute because
that would... So the only way it all works is
nobody prosecutes, so nobody flips. Yep. Everybody
keep your mouth shut. Yep. Yep. I would guarantee
it. Like I said, I would bet my pension and 401k
that that's what is going on. That's what brought
down organized crime is they all started... So
yeah, so they say, look, you can get votes by
tarnishing me, but you don't ever send me to
prison, and I don't send you to prison. Yep.
Yep. Right. It's like they all have their individual
dead man switch. Yes. And any one of them could
nuke everyone else out of existence. Yeah. Yeah,
that's a good way of putting it. So they all
don't get near the nuke button. They stay away.
Yep. We all live together, or we'll all die together.
Yep. Yeah, allegedly. Allegedly. Thank you. That's
all I did there, guys. I'll borrow it for you
guys. I got you guys back on this. All right.
For the rest of the reason. Thank you. Okay.
And this last one almost didn't print it out,
but I'm going to go ahead and throw it to you
anyhow. Because, okay, Rob, do you have an answer
for cheaper parking at the airport? Springfield
Branson International in particular. Tony in
Republic, Missouri. I have something. Uber? No,
that's a good one. Uber. Yeah. Uber. Or if you
have to drive there, there's this thing called
Global Airport Parking. You can look it up. It's
for every airport in America, Global Airport
Parking. Just figure out what the key to that
airport is. It'll have like three letters. That
will be the key to that airport. You put it in
globalairportparking .com, and it will tell you
a hotel that you can park and take a transit
bus to the airport, and it's like $2 a day. Oh,
cool. I've done that. I've done that hotel thing.
That worked out great. Yeah. It was a hotel real
close to the airport. Just drove up there, parked
in it. They shuttled us up to the terminal, and
when we got back, we waited maybe 20 minutes.
the time we picked up our luggage to the time
we were in our own car yep and it was cheap yeah
it's cheap and also you don't wait because everybody's
waiting to get on those other trams that go to
the same place whether it's satellite parking
or whatever everybody goes on theirs you come
by with the i don't know the days in or the hilton
or whatever whoever's doing that it's usually
you and maybe one other person you're on and
you're out of there in like five minutes yeah
cool Yeah, me too. So, all right. Rob, you got
something? 7 -Elevens are the same. You know
the maintenance men loved that overtime right
before. Oh, gosh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They
had to be there like right then. Yeah. That'd
be nice for that overtime. Actually, take that
back. 7 -Elevens do have locks in case they get
robbed. That's true. Good point. Smart. The studio
laughed and took the deal. The movie made $216
million. Arnold walked away with $35 million.
More than any Terminator film ever paid him.
He called it the best financial decision I ever
made. Wow. That's so awesome. That is funny.
Oh my gosh. all the time about how stars declined
like Forrest Gump I guess Tom Hanks said no I'm
just going to take a percentage and that was
definitely the right move yeah wow that is brilliant
though doing that alright Topher No! Okay, that's
cool. the kind of people you think would be flocking
to a social media site. Absolutely not. No, no.
In 2007, people 50 and older didn't care, and
there weren't enough of them to actually support
the site and make it actually do anything. So
it rose and then sank pretty much right away.
Well, Fakebook grabbed the boomers. Nothing else
would. No MySpace. None of the other things did.
Fakebook is the one that grabbed the boomers,
and that was pretty much it. I mean, yeah, and
that was around, but not in the same that it
is now, you know. Yeah. Yeah, and this was designed
to compete with Facebook, but grab the older
market. Yeah, they're not. But they didn't realize
the older market just didn't really care about
buying a computer and getting on a social media
site. No. No, that's true. And I'll tell you
what really helped Facebook out a lot is this
right here, when they quit making flip phones.
and they literally had to go to smartphones?
Mm -hmm. Or at least they don't make them very
common flip phones anymore, and a lot of services
won't connect to them. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, you know
what? I think I remember a little bit about that,
but that's about it. Anyhow, go ahead. This next
one I remember quite well. in the mail and Netflix
was the online streaming. But they did it completely
wrong. They turned Quickster into a completely
separate subsidiary business that ran all on
its own. So when you wanted to do online streaming,
you'd log in with your Netflix account. If you
wanted to get DVDs in the mail, oh, you have
to make a new account with Quickster and register
your credit cards and make new... making the
customer have to do more. And it's like an example
of business trying to put the extra work and
effort and risk onto the customer. And after
about three months, everyone said, screw this,
I'll just go to Blockbuster. Yeah, and they did.
Yeah, and Netflix said, whoops, sorry, we're
merging it all back together again. That's funny.
I was saying that the other day, too. I was thinking,
wow, boy, that didn't last long. Oh, that's right.
One of you mentioned Redbox, but we knew that
wasn't right. Yeah. It was Quickster. Okay. Quickster.
Yep. I remember I was delivering mail at the
time, and I remember the envelopes going from
Netflix to Quickster. And we're like, what the
hell is Quickster? And the boss said, oh, that's
still Netflix. It's just a different business
name. And pretty soon it was back to Netflix
on the envelope. Yep. Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. Yep.
And now the value isn't there. They lowered the
price so much to where people have bought the
$100 ,000 version of it is only going to get
maybe $25 ,000 out of it in a trade -in. And
they can't even refinance their loans because
the value of the truck has gone down so low.
Oh, man. I can't say I feel too sorry. And you
know there's no resale. Nobody wants them. So,
yeah, I think Tesla as a brand will survive this,
but I think once the Cybertruck I think so, too.
Yeah. It'll be like the DeLorean. If you see
a DeLorean, you go, oh, funny, cool, it's a DeLorean.
But you know it's a piece of shit car. It always
was. I think Cybertruck's going to probably be
the same thing. In five, ten years, everyone's
going to go, oh, isn't that quaint, a Cybertruck?
You're right. It's going to be like a DeLorean.
You're right. You don't want to own one, but
you'll definitely look at one. Yep. Yeah. All
right. Next up on the list of what... The hell
were they thinking? The Amazon Fire Phone. Do
you remember that one? Yeah, vaguely. Go ahead,
refresh. Well, the problems were twofold. One,
it was not compatible with most apps because
they were being written for Android and Apple.
And the second problem was they had a very confusing
ad campaign which convinced people that it was
a kid's phone because they had a little boy...
adult clothes, and acting and talking as if they
were making business deals and buying real estate
and impressing the adults around them with their
phone that could do all these things. But the
commercial for all the world made it look like
it was a kid's phone, so adults didn't bother
with them. And overall, it was basically a way
to force people onto Prime Video. That's why
it was not compatible with most apps. They wanted
to force you into getting Amazon Prime Video
instead of... The whole thing was a flop. Do
you remember Bic underwear? You've heard of Bic
pens and Bic lighters. This is Bic underwear.
No, I don't. Get this. Disposable panties and
pantyhose. Wear them once and throw them away.
Just like a Bic lighter. You use them and then
toss them. Wow. It's like, Think of underwear
from Bic, and then why disposable? Oh, wow. Hookers.
Yeah. Oh, there you go. Yeah, hookers. Barfly.
Barfly. Barfly, yep. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just tear
a hole in them, do your business, and then, you
know. Here was one that was kind of fun, the
Apple III computer. This was back a while. and
the chips came loose from the motherboard, and
performance was very iffy and inconsistent. It
was marketed as a business -only computer, not
for home use or anything else, but it came with
very little software. Apple just wrote some basic
programs for it, and then Steve Jobs relied on
other software developers to go in on his plan
and his idea and just start writing programs
for the Apple III or converting them. work on
the Apple III. And they all said, eh, now we're
not interested. So the computer was fairly expensive,
but fairly quickly it was basically useless.
Couldn't do anything with it. And that almost
bankrupted Apple. Wow. They were almost on the
way out with that one, but Steve was able to
turn it around and keep it going. So if that
had gone just a little bit the other way, we
wouldn't even have been thinking about Apple.
We'd say, Well, yeah. You know what? Steve Jobs
also made another bad miscalculation about his
health. Yeah, he made a lot of good decisions,
but he made some bad ones that really messed
everything up, too. I mean, absolutely see -through.
And here's the best part. Lululemon knew it and
didn't care. And when people complained, they
said, yeah, so? That's why people go to the gym
to work out, to be seen. So who cares? Sure.
But pretty soon it became a real big deal, and
the courts made Lululemon give everyone a refund
who wanted a refund. Shoot. They're still in
business, too. More bad choices. Yes, they are.
They've invested in some real strange stuff.
Boy. Do you remember Harley Davidson cologne?
Vaguely, yes. Boy, that was a long time ago.
Yeah. Here was the problem. Who were they marketing
to? Your basic Harley rider didn't really give
a damn about smelling good. He smelled like he
smelled. He didn't care. would probably buy this
and wear it, didn't have Harleys, so they'd be
complete posers. And back then, it meant something
to actually own a Harley. Okay, here's something
I got real quick, Topher. Okay, nowadays that
would work because bankers are the only ones
that can afford a Harley. This is true. But anyhow,
go ahead. It was ahead of its time. Yes. Harley
-Davidson name on it that was supposed to make
it sell. And the people who liked Harley, you
know, they wouldn't buy a Harley -Davidson food
processor. They're not going to buy Harley -Davidson
perfume and cologne. It's just, yeah, they didn't
read their market very well. Yeah, no, they didn't.
There was a Microsoft Kin phone, K -I -N, and
it was small. It kind of fit in the palm of your
hand. It had a small, roundish screen. It was
aimed at the youth market, so Bill Gates was
going after the youth market, but it did not
support any apps. He was into children back then,
too. Yes, he was. Okay. Thankfully, that flopped.
I mean, the youth market was way smarter than
he thought, and they looked at it and said, yeah,
useless. Like they did on the island. Allegedly.
Allegedly, yeah. All right. Topher, that was
really good. Thank you. You said that was the
last one, right? Yeah. Okay, okay. Do you have
more for later? There was actually a list of
about, there was a list of about 50. Oh, okay.
So I was just picking and choosing through there.
I had just like about three more. Okay. I'll
try to flesh out the list later. We'll do another
version of Weird Products. Okay, that'd be cool.
Sounds good. Sounds good. All right. Let's take
our second break and then come back. I've got
a story about sketches about President Trump
being a time traveler. Yeah, this is very intriguing.
So anyhow, we'll be right back with it. Hey,
my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash Riptide,
your music news. Sharon Osbourne recently discussed
the constant battle it was to keep Ozzy sober.
One time in Dallas, Sharon was sick of Ozzy's
binge drinking and locked him in his hotel room
naked and took all his clothes so he couldn't
get alcohol from the lobby. Sharon also put a
block on room service. Sharon returned and sure
enough, Ozzy was smashed and had liquor to boot.
This happened several times until Sharon finally
asked Ozzy how he was able to get drinks naked
without clothes to put on. Ozzy said, you didn't
take your clothes away from our room, so I dressed
in drag and I got my drink downstairs. Pretty
genius. Good job, Ozzy. This is Gash Rooktine.
And that was your music news. If it's too loud,
you'd probably have ear damage, just like me.
Since the dawn of time, weird shit has happened.
Strange occurrences, unexplained phobias, and
other odd happenings. Over the next minute, we
would like to bring you odd, rare phobias and
conditions. Harlequin ichthyosis is a genetic
disorder that babies are born with a thickened
skin nearly over its entire body. The skin forms
a large diamond trapezoid rectangle shaped plates
that are separated by deep cracks. These affect
the shape of the eyelids, nose, ears, mouth and
limit the movement of the arms and legs. There
are treatment options finally. The survival rate
is much higher. This is your douchebag gangbang
question of the week. Do you tip to go orders?
Email us your answers at 2douches at mail .com.
Spell out the number 2. Don't be a dummy. Hey
there. We all have those annoying co -workers
that do nothing. There's nothing we can do about
it because HR departments are running scared
of lawyers. So we have to work with these workless
pieces of garbage. But we have to communicate
about them without them knowing about it. Here
at Two Douchebags Microphone, we developed a
way that you can speak about them right in front
of them without them knowing about it. Stay tuned.
First code name, Absolute Zero. They contribute
nothing and effectively stop all molecular motion
in the project. Dark matter. You know they're
there. They take up space, but they provide no
light and cannot be observed during actual work.
Static. High noise. Zero signal. Stays in one
place. Event Horizon. Once a task enters their
orbit, it is never seen again. How about Buffer?
They take 20 minutes to process a 5 second request.
The Screensaver. Looks like they're working,
but as soon as you touch them, they disappear.
Cloud Mode. Just floating around, vague, and
nobody knows what they actually do. And finally,
404. Task not found. Stay tuned for more of these
gems. Once again, it's time for Ramblings of
a Madman. I believe Congress needs to synchronize
tap dance for 20 minutes before each session.
That needs to happen. So you want proof that
we love you here at QD Spades and Microphone
Central? Here's a proof right here about the
drink of the week. Pistachio Martini seems in
order. Start off with two ounces vanilla vodka.
One ounce pistachio liqueur. One ounce heavy
cream. One half ounce simple syrup. One ounce
of heavy cream chill martini glass in freezer
for ten minutes. Dip the chilled glass rim in
the simple syrup, then rub the rim in crushed
pistachios. Fill a cocktail shaker with the vodka,
liqueur, heavy cream, and simple syrup in the
shaker. Shake vigorously, then strain the contents
into the glass. You may garnish the rim of the
martini glass with a sliced lemon and an olive,
possibly. Drink up, bitches. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. Does the dictionary actually have
the word dictionary in it? Hmm. Maybe I'll go
look. Welcome back to the Douchebag Gangbang.
I am the Mark portion of this at the Talk is
Cheap studio in the extreme southern tip of the
Kansas City Metroplex and surrounding areas.
Paisley Possum Studios, just south of historic
Walden, Missouri. The coffee is brewing and available
24 hours a day. The space heater is on. And the
song I'm currently learning on guitar is Feel
Like a Number by Bob Seger. It's actually kind
of easy. Life is good in Kansas City. Very cool.
Wow, you're going back to guitar, huh? Cool.
Yeah, I'm actually playing both now. I played
my drums this afternoon for about an hour, which
felt awesome. And then I went out and sat on...
Very cool. Right on. Beautiful day for that.
It nourishes my soul, man. It's what I need every
day. Yeah. Yep. I get that. I get that. So, all
right. Oh, go ahead. I'm starting to do some
Voltron, I think is what it's called, on my fingers.
So maybe I can start getting them limber enough
to play. Because the problem I've had is the
pain that I go through whenever I have to switch
chords up and down on the fretboard. My fingers
lock up, and it's just unreal. It might be what
Iomi and Eddie Van Halen had. I don't know. But
it sucks. But I'm putting Volturan on my fingers,
and they seem to be a little bit more limber.
So, yeah, I don't know. Maybe I could play some
power chords, you know, or something. I don't
know. Yeah, that's what I'd recommend is try
pressing down only as hard as you absolutely
have to. Yeah. And that will save some... Because
I still do that. If I'm playing, you know, a
nice hard rock riff, I tend to grab the neck
like it's, you know, my best. Yes, that's my
problem. That's my problem. If you can train
yourself... only grip it as hard as you need
to the the notes will be in tune more and the
strength of your hand will last a whole lot longer
i got to work on that so okay all right thank
you and then as soon as you get as soon as you
get tired stop so don't don't get to the point
where you hurt that's the other that's the other
problem too if you get on a roll you know how
hard it is to put it down yes you find some cool
rhythm and you're like wow i could use that in
something Yeah, yeah, everybody that plays, yeah.
You're like, damn it, why am I not recording
this? Yes, do a Jimi Hendrix where, like, you
play all this shit that you don't remember, but
he was on acid, so, you know, I mean, but. Yeah.
Anyhow, all right, I've got this unique story
here that I found, and I looked it up in several
places, and as far as I know, it's true. So here
we go. There are century -old sketches that lend
to President Trump being a time traveler. And
what I mean by true is, it doesn't mean that
it's true, but it means that there's something
very similar that happened. Okay, so, a discovered
trove of 100 -year -old sketches by Prussian
-born artist Charles Delchaux could hold clues
that the president and his youngest son, Barron,
could be hopping through the decades, observers
suggest. Delchaux, who died in 1923, was obsessed
with arrows, bizarre flying machines that looked
Part balloon, part airplane, part steampunk fantasy.
So imagine that, if you will, right? So part
airplane, part steampunk, and part balloon. Be
a wild -looking thing, right? Yeah. Conspiracy
buffs are zooming in on the word Trump, scrawled
across some of the drawings. Add to that a blonde
-doodled person steering a craft labeled 45,
in which he is the 45th president at first. Now
he's the 47th. Then there are the books. Fans
of the theory say the uncanny similarities to
Barron Trump are too strange to ignore. In the
last president, Locke would imagine a chaotic
New York vote and Fifth Avenue riots. Yes, really,
is what they're saying here. In the author's
table, President Bryan picks a pence for his
cabinet, just like Trump's former VP when he
was the 45th president. Even the family's own
words have become ammunition for theorists. The
commander -in -chief has reportedly said, I know
things that other people don't know spark an
endless debate online. That's it. I'm writing
the president right now. I want my teleportation
machine that we've been promised. What about
you guys? Yeah, definitely. Oh, man, teleportation
would be so awesome. Oh, gosh, yeah. I want to
see what kind of shit show we're in for. That
way I can prepare. Yeah, and also, I want a cure
for jock itch and chafing, too, right? Oh, definitely.
Oh, definitely. Yeah, I mean, look, I want the
teleportation and all that, but with that, it's
got to be, you know, cure for chafing and jock
itch, too. These are plagues that have been cursing
man for years, so they need to get it eradicated,
just like polio, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it
needs to go away. Yeah, and keep rectal spasm.
Yes, and that too. I think we can all agree with
that one, right? Yeah, definitely, definitely.
Rectum spasms, not good. All right, that was
the end of that story. It had more, but it really
kind of got boring. So you guys got what I'm
saying here. People say he's a time traveler.
There's indication that suggests that, you know,
anything's possible, right? Yeah, I mean, we
can't think enough to imagine what could happen,
and that's quite a bit of what happens is we
can't even think about it, so therefore it isn't
there, right? Yeah. Yeah, so. Yeah, true. All
right. You guys want to keep going, or? Yeah,
actually, I got one more. Oh, go ahead, guys.
Go ahead. So do I. to tie the knot at the LaPorte
County Courthouse in Indiana on Tuesday when
two officers burst in and busted him just before
the ceremony started. As a matter of fact, he
only did two years and then gets out on $755
bail. Wow. Wow. Now, there's going to be a little
solo cast coming up about my judge adopt a criminal
program, okay? And basically it's like this.
If you let a criminal out and you're convinced
they're rehabbed so much, You take them in, and
you let them live in your place, and you watch
for them, and you take the brunt if they do something
wrong. I like it. I like that too. But I will
get into that on the little solo cast. It's not
quite an I call bullshit, but it's something
like that. It's going to be a little 10 -minute
segment that I'm working on. And I haven't taken
any NyQuil in a little while, so maybe I'll do
that later. We'll see. So, anyhow, was that it,
Rob? Yeah, that was it on that. Okay, Topher.
cybernetic implants for soldiers. Scary. I imagine
they put the media silence down on that one pretty
quick. Oh, I'm pretty sure. A magazine Jalopnik
article notices there was a string of spontaneous
combustions of postal vehicles throughout the
2010s. I believe it. I remember that. I remember
that. I was working during that. That time, and
I remember across the country, it's just vehicles
started burning up and nobody could tell why.
You know, it seems to me like I remember that
story too, but it went away really quick. Yeah,
yeah. And from most of the photos I saw, the
fire started in the engine compartment. Yeah,
I think you're right. So there was something
wrong with the vehicle. And this was the LLVs,
right? The Long Life? Yeah. a body on top of
it and did some other things to screw it up and
make it a piece of crap. Yeah, and those are
the postal vehicles you're used to seeing out
on the road, the regular ones. Yeah, yeah. The
big boxy white ones. Yeah, yep. Yeah. I almost
bet it was something electrical. Yeah. Yep. So,
the worst part was all the mail that burned up.
You know, that's some important stuff in there.
Oh, yeah. It's not all advertisements. There's
actually some important real stuff in there.
2010s were Social Security checks still. Yeah,
there were a lot of checks. That's what I was
going to say. Yeah. Yeah, wow. Next headline.
COVID lockdowns made the Earth vibrate less.
I believe it. Isn't that funny that all of us
getting out and walking around just makes the
Earth vibrate a little more? I remember that
story. I don't know about the 3 ,000 feet, but
this is maybe 10 years ago. They couldn't find
him. He kept doing it. Yep. That's interesting.
He probably quit doing it. Yeah. Yeah, but why
would they play this story? Yeah. Okay, next
headline. It is discovered that King Tut's dagger
was made from a meteorite. Oh, wow. Isn't that
cool? That is. I mean, you imagine they see this
big chunk of rock fall from what they consider
heaven. piece lying on the ground. They're like,
oh, let's go make something for the emperor out
of this. Yeah, why not? It's magical. They found
out that King Tut was not that attractive. He
had a club palette and was probably pretty much
mentally handicapped because he was inbred. He
was very inbred, yeah. He was a puppet. They
thought he was this beautiful creature of all
of them back then. No. Nope, nope, nope. Nope.
in Thailand is jailed for leaving a negative
hotel review. Huh? Yeah. There's no freedom of
speech everywhere. There's just a few places
where you have freedom of speech. Uh -huh. I
mean, you go over to Turkey and start talking
about the Christian Armenians and they'll slap
you in jail pretty quick. Oh, yeah, yeah. You
ain't seeing light after that either. Yeah. Yeah.
She was a counselor to President Trump, kind
of looked like a blonde skeletor. Yeah. Yeah.
She published nude pictures of her underage daughter
as a form of punishment. Oh. What? She really
did it, and she got away with it. She should
be in prison. Wow. Yeah, I mean, that's child
pornography, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that is. Is
this allegedly, or did it really happen? Okay,
so we're going to have to say allegedly, but
it sounds to me like it might. Okay. Wow. I wouldn't
put it past her. No, me neither. Wow. I wonder
what the connection is. It's weird. I don't know.
Somehow shrimp are swimming around the blueberry
bushes. We're in a field of oats. You have the
oat shrimp, I guess. The mad shrimper. It doesn't
overlap anywhere. Wow. Yeah. You know, like Captain
Crunch now with prawns. Wow. Wow. You know, people
would buy it just as novelty. I have one for
the Talk is Cheap studio. Captain Crunch with
prawns. Conch Cocoa Pebbles. Oh, no. And you
can actually look it up under that name. They
were smuggling in humans from Central America
and forcing them to work on farms in horrible
conditions. They paid them 20 cents a bucket
for picking onions, forced them to dig with their
hands and no tools. The conspirators required
the workers to pay unlawful fees for transportation,
food, and housing while illegally withholding
their travel and identification documents and
subjecting the workers to perform physically
demanding work for little or no pay, housing
them in crowded, unsanitary, and degrading living
conditions, and threatening them with deportation
and violence. Operation Blooming Onion, a six
-year investigation, determined there were roughly
70 ,000 victims, with 100 of them being located
in the southern region. Investigators stated
there were several rapes and deaths among the
visa recipients. The exploitation of the workers
included being required to dig onions, dig onions
with their bare hands, paid 20 cents for each
bucket harvested, and threatened with guns and
violence to keep them in line. Oh, wow. So that
part we still know, but what happened to everything
and the rest of the people, and did they roll
up the whole organization? You just can't find
that stuff out. It's kind of gone. And, you know,
a lot of people who are being brought into this
country illegally wind up. working on fields
like that yeah yep it's big business it's horrible
human trafficking is everywhere and it's a thriving
business in america we just don't like to think
about it or see it but you know you're out driving
in the country somewhere and you see people picking
some fruit or vegetables or something you just
don't know you know are they there because they
you know are doing their job are they there because
they're being forced to it's just kind of creepy
now to to see people doing, you know, honest
outdoor work, and you have no idea if they're
a slave. Yeah, no, that's so true, Topher. I
mean, and also, you probably, every one of us
probably see it almost daily, and we just don't
know it. Yeah, I'm sure we've walked past people
every day who are just in a horrible situation
and can't tell anyone. Yeah, yeah. Right. Wow,
that's hard to believe, but it's true. Yep. All
right, is that it? So that was the last one I
had. All righty. Does anyone have anything else?
Because I know Rob has to get up early. I'm actually
off tomorrow, so. Yeah, I'm actually working
until 2 .30 tomorrow, and then I have to go get
my yearly physical for health insurance. Sorry
about your butthole. You might bring some numbs
in or something. Actually, I passed that test
last time very well, so I should be fine. Okay,
good. Does the doctor have small hands? That's
all that counts. Yes. It's a female. Oh, okay.
Good start. Good start. All right. It's a good
start. She doesn't look like Janet Reno? Oh,
yeah. No. Okay, good. Good. All right. If she
looked like Janet Reno, you might have a problem.
All right. Oh, my God, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh,
I would not want to see her mad or naked. Yeah,
yeah. She did not look trustworthy in the least
little bit. Oh, hell no. That's why they hired
her. Yeah. All right, everybody, thank you for
listening and tuning in. We know you love the
show. Thank you. We hope we answered everything
about the extra show because what I just said
was a small sample of what I gave today on the
e -mails or a small sample. of the delirium of
the new show, and we really appreciate it, for
real. This is not a joke, really. Thank you,
guys. We're glad that you love it. We're doing
everything we can to give you more programming,
but like we said, we all have lives and jobs
and stuff, so. Anyhow, thank you for listening.
Good night, assholes. make them stop. And goodnight,
assholes. I let him finish. We have six dogs.
Oh my gosh, they gotta get in line. Yeah, there
is no stop. Goodnight, assholes. Thanks for listening.
Goodnight. Goodnight. Oh no. Looks like the show's
over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't
afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll
be back invading your ear holes soon.