WEBVTT

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Good evening. All the obtuse, incognizant, unsagacious,

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ill -informed, dull -witted, adulpated, dunder

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-headed, feather -brained, muddle -headed, but

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lovable listeners. This is your warning. You're

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headed straight for the douchebag gangbang. That's

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right. Run while you are able. Don't look back.

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Topa, Mark, and Rob... are headed for your ear

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holes in three, two, one. Here at Two Douchebags

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and a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic

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integrity. Go ahead and assume we got the story

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wrong. At least we admit it. Not like all those

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other guys. We can and will lie if it makes the

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story better. Two douchebags and a microphone.

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Here at the gangbang, we realize no one wants

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to do a douchebag pledge. We simply will not

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waste your time with bullshit. By the way. Remember

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to enter dinner with the douchebags contest.

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Good luck. Hey peeps, it's time for the police

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blotter. That's right, stories about stupid criminals

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and the dumbassness that ensued. Let us begin

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now. In September 2025, a Canadian man was arrested

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for DUI while attempting to drive a Barbie jeep.

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Not only did the scaled -down Jeep stand out,

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not it would only go five miles an hour. The

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police chase ended quickly. The subject, George

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Fizzoli, did not get his six -pack. Bit did get

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a free Uber ride with lights a -flashing straight

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to jail. Hey, everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm

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gonna give you some tips for life. When you want

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to save a part, bitch, but you have to come...

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I can't believe the coffee grinder is broke at

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the big box store. There's no way I can be expected

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to grind my coffee beans every damn morning.

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Next up, things overheard in hell. Man, Axl Rose

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is such a great childhood therapist. I hope he

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writes more books. Strange, but true. In the

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1920s, there was a health drink called Radithor

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that literally contained radium. and consequentially,

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slowly killed his customers. Evan Byers, a wealthy

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American socialite, died from Radithor radium

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poisoning in 1932. When his body was exhumed

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in 1965 for study, his remains were still highly

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radioactive. The only reason Radithor didn't

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cause a public health crisis at the time was

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because it could only be afforded by the rich.

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Hello and welcome everybody. This is the Douchebag

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Gangbang. I am Mark here in the Kansas City vicinity

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at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob in

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Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent

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Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track and also home

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of the... The coffee is hot and available 24

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hours a day. The space heater is on. And I'm

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about 10 days away from my annual cancer test.

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And if it comes back clean, I'll be a five -year

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survivor. Life is good in Kansas City. And also,

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you get to go to the Gibson Garage, too, if I

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remember correctly. Well, we kind of changed

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our plan on that because I started reading some

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bad reviews about people's buying experience

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at the Gibson Garage. Oh. So we... We decided

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that instead of going there and picking out a

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guitar, I get to pick out a guitar from wherever.

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So there you go. Okay. All right. Well, that's

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cool. As long as you get a guitar that you want,

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that's cool. Yeah, I've pretty much got my eye

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on a specific one. Oh, good, good. And also,

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fuck cancer. Yeah, thank you. Well, Change .org

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has put together a petition for July 22, 2026,

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this year, of course, to be International Ozzy

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Osbourne Day. I'm all in on that one. Yeah, isn't

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that cool? Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah, I already

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signed it, so all you've got to do is change

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.org and look up the Ozzy Osbourne petition,

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and it'll be there. Nice. I encourage everybody

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that hears this to do it, too. It won't hurt

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you, even if you don't like him doing it, but

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most people do. You know what? If you don't like

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him, no. No, no. If you don't like him, get away.

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No. We don't want anything to do with you if

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you don't like him, right? Right. I'm kidding.

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Yeah. Did you guys happen to see the Mardi Gras

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parade? It had thousands of people dressed as

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Ozzy. No. No. I didn't see that. Oh, look it

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up. It's at the Mardi Gras. It was like on Fat

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Tuesday, I believe. And there's thousands of

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people dressed up like Ozzy with the glasses,

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the hair, you know, what he usually wore, all

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that stuff. And it was really cool. Some of them

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looked really good. And some of them were kind

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of, you know, they're kind of like Elvis's, you

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know. Some Elvis's are like, wow. And then others

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are like, you know, they're kind of comical.

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It was like that. It was really cool. So, anyhow,

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as I speak, I have the vid, or also known as

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COVID. Ah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, damn. Yep, yep, yep.

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And it's around noon today. I woke up from my

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nyquil coma. I feel pretty good. I'm still in

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solitary confinement, though, because Val has

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her surgery this Thursday for her back. So she

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can't be exposed to these germs, and they may

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postpone it anyhow because she's been around

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COVID. Yeah. So we'll see what happens. Hopefully

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she can get it in and hopefully get on a road

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to recovery, but we'll see what happens. Yeah.

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I know they're pretty worried about the COVID

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and all that stuff. Anyhow, yeah, COVID came

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back for me again, bastard. Yeah. Yep. Anyhow,

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Brett. And usually COVID isn't that bad on me.

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It's the sinus infections and the flus that get

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me. So when this one was pretty severe at first

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and I was like, you know, when I took the test,

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I'm like, yeah, I know it's the flu. I know it's

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the flu. No, this happened to be COVID. So came

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back and gave me an ass paddling, didn't it?

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His mother nature had something to do with this.

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I guarantee it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's keeping

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you honest, I think. I think so, too. I think

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so, too. She's shaking her finger in my face.

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No more. So practically everything I wrote on

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NyQuil I scrapped. Turns out NyQuil is not very

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good for creativity. Did you know that? Yeah.

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I can imagine. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was. It's

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kind of like singing karaoke when you're drunk.

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Yes. You're hitting all those notes just perfectly.

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There you go. There you go. Then you watch the

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replay, and you're like, oh, oh. Yeah. Yeah,

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yeah, yeah. Yeah, so every one of them I reread,

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and I'm like, ah, no, no, no. It was horrible.

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So the good news is. I like the stuff that I

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write when I'm pissed off. I go back and look

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at it and say, mm, uh -uh. Oh, you too? That's

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going to cause some trouble. You too? I do that

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too. What, Rob? Yeah. I agree. Yeah. You don't

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write what you're pissed off. No. No. True feelings

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are not a good thing. They're not a good thing

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sometimes. That's why we call it rant night.

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Yeah. Rant night. Yeah. And we do get into those.

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We try not to very much. So the good news is

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300 pounds of phlegm has now been discharging

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from myself, so I feel much lighter. So. So,

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I've got this new thing. It's called my quote

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of the week, okay? So, Kerry King of Slayer said

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this. One time we saw some hookers, but when

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we got closer, we realized it was Motley Crue.

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That was so good. I had some really good quote

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of the weeks, right? But then when I read that,

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I'm like, I crumpled all up and said, no, this

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is it right here. You know, and who hasn't done

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that? You know, seeing some hair and like turn

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around and say, oh, and then they turn around

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like, oh, oh, oh, oh, my eyes. I used to get

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that all the time. And then after you stare at

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the ass for a while, you look up and you go,

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whoops. I was like, dude, you know, you might

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have a different chromosome. You just don't know.

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It's pretty close. And also, finally, I have

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this. Have you ever shook someone's hand and

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worried about dick hands? Yeah, you know what

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I mean. You know he just touched his Johnson

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and he didn't wash his hands, right? Yeah, there's

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that kind of cold. It's kind of slimy, but kind

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of dry at the same time. Yes, yes. I try not

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to think about it. That's why I try to do fist

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bumps only, because, I mean, yeah. That's why

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you never eat from the bowl of peanuts on the

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bar. Yes. Like the popcorn machine at Buzzard

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Beach. Yes. That was right next to the bathrooms.

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And I'm not kidding you. We would just sit there

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in that table next to the popcorn machine, watch

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people come straight out of the bathroom and

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wash it without washing their hands. Well, they

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couldn't. Half the time the sink was broke. And

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they would come out there and stick their hands

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and just rummage all over that fucking popcorn.

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And then we'd see some little Johnson County

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and I walk up and grab a bunch of popcorn. Oh,

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this stuff is delicious. And we'd just sit there

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and laugh and laugh. Enjoy your dick hands. Enjoy

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the popcorn. Penis popcorn. Mmm. Like that dick

00:11:44.539 --> 00:11:47.000
popcorn? Now I'm sure you're used to dick popcorn.

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I don't think he scrapped all of his NyQuil stories,

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Toby. I don't think he did, no. Maybe this one

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did escape from the NyQuil coma. I don't know.

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So I used to have this team leader I used to

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work with at the old place, the shithole. I could

00:12:05.799 --> 00:12:08.419
just tell that he had dick hands. He never had

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a girlfriend in his... His personal hygiene was

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horrible. He was quite smelly at times. I used

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to look at his hands and tell he had dick hands.

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Yeah. Okay, okay. Rob, you too? Yeah. Yeah, you

00:12:22.090 --> 00:12:23.590
look at someone and go, yeah, they have dick

00:12:23.590 --> 00:12:26.409
hands. Yeah, okay. Yeah. All right, well, you

00:12:26.409 --> 00:12:28.049
know what? If that was NyQuil or not, I still

00:12:28.049 --> 00:12:33.250
liked it, right? Yeah. Sorry. So, anyhow, all

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right. With the thought of dick hands, I turn

00:12:36.110 --> 00:12:43.450
it over to Rob. Please clean this up. Okay. Uh

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oh. confident. God, that's a dangerous combination.

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You know, wouldn't it have been easier to just

00:14:16.049 --> 00:14:20.090
have gotten a job and obeyed the law? Yes. Yeah,

00:14:20.090 --> 00:14:24.049
yeah. Not kill somebody. Yeah, yeah. Since he

00:14:24.049 --> 00:14:26.350
was competent, you think he could do that, right?

00:14:27.330 --> 00:14:37.210
Yeah. All right. This life was better. You know,

00:14:37.330 --> 00:14:38.950
once you start digging your eyes out and cutting

00:14:38.950 --> 00:14:41.529
your tongue, I mean, I don't know. Something

00:14:41.529 --> 00:14:43.870
tells me crazy. I mean, but maybe I'm crazy.

00:14:44.070 --> 00:14:51.809
I don't know. I mean, yeah. Well, that was just

00:14:51.809 --> 00:14:54.389
in a different direction. So for that, I thank

00:14:54.389 --> 00:15:12.320
you, Rob. Yeah. has given us one of the best

00:15:12.320 --> 00:15:16.200
ways to defend human creativity over AI creativity.

00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:20.360
Well before co -founding Pedalboard Games or

00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:23.559
joining Indie Powerhouse Strange Scaffold, developer

00:15:23.559 --> 00:15:27.059
Colin McInerney cut his teeth testing games at

00:15:27.059 --> 00:15:30.360
Bethesda Softworks, doing quality assurance during

00:15:30.360 --> 00:15:33.399
his college days. In a recent interview, he discussed

00:15:33.399 --> 00:15:35.899
one particular method he used to crash the game

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Fallout 4. He was saying the Xbox One has 8 gigs

00:15:39.789 --> 00:15:42.350
of RAM, so if you get above that, the game's

00:15:42.350 --> 00:15:45.009
going to crash. So I was thinking, how can I

00:15:45.009 --> 00:15:48.110
break this? And that thought occurring to me,

00:15:48.149 --> 00:15:50.389
no one else was doing things like that. That

00:15:50.389 --> 00:15:53.110
isn't standard testing practice of how can I

00:15:53.110 --> 00:15:56.370
leak memory from the game. So what I wound up

00:15:56.370 --> 00:15:59.309
doing, he went on, I went into the console and

00:15:59.309 --> 00:16:02.309
gave myself a billion experience points, which

00:16:02.309 --> 00:16:05.929
put me at like level 247. And I walked around

00:16:05.929 --> 00:16:08.110
with a unique missile launcher that launched

00:16:08.110 --> 00:16:12.549
20 nukes at once. So I ran around super nuking

00:16:12.549 --> 00:16:16.070
the entire land and found four game crashes.

00:16:16.529 --> 00:16:19.870
Now, the best part of this story was back in

00:16:19.870 --> 00:16:22.370
those days, that would automatically send out

00:16:22.370 --> 00:16:26.210
an email blast to the entire ZeniMax media company.

00:16:26.450 --> 00:16:28.809
So Robert Altman, the president, was getting

00:16:28.809 --> 00:16:31.350
emails that somebody found four crashes in a

00:16:31.350 --> 00:16:33.970
single morning. And the best quote is this one.

00:16:34.360 --> 00:16:37.460
I would love to see AI do my job. I am professionally

00:16:37.460 --> 00:16:40.000
stupid in a way that a machine could not even

00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:47.320
dream of. So let's hear it for the creative stupidity

00:16:47.320 --> 00:16:53.059
of the common man. I love that, yes. Yeah, absolutely.

00:16:55.240 --> 00:17:00.820
Now, before we go, was that it, Topher? That

00:17:00.820 --> 00:17:03.179
was it. Okay. Before we go into Bigger Threat,

00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:04.660
we've got a little bit of a controversy. Let

00:17:04.660 --> 00:17:07.400
me start this out. You know two fucknuts in a

00:17:07.400 --> 00:17:09.359
recorder, right? They're our nemesis, right?

00:17:10.259 --> 00:17:13.619
Yes. Well, they claim they have the name Biggest

00:17:13.619 --> 00:17:16.599
Threat, and they want us to change it. So, Rob,

00:17:16.940 --> 00:17:21.519
you had a suggestion? Yeah. Seeing how we're

00:17:21.519 --> 00:17:24.380
going, we're pretty much making these up on our

00:17:24.380 --> 00:17:27.579
own. It's pretty much our own fears. So I call

00:17:27.579 --> 00:17:34.109
it Our Biggest Fear. Yeah, I do too. And plus,

00:17:34.210 --> 00:17:36.450
two fucknuts and a recorder. I mean, we don't

00:17:36.450 --> 00:17:39.009
want to be on their level. They suck. So, you

00:17:39.009 --> 00:17:40.750
know what? If they want the biggest threat, they

00:17:40.750 --> 00:17:45.390
can have it. Yeah. Yeah. This will keep them

00:17:45.390 --> 00:17:47.710
from going all Robert De Niro on us and getting

00:17:47.710 --> 00:17:51.009
all whiny. Yes. Right, right. All I can say is

00:17:51.009 --> 00:17:55.150
the rumors about them two are true. Right? Yeah,

00:17:55.309 --> 00:17:57.869
that's what I hear. The private detective. I

00:17:57.869 --> 00:18:00.549
mean, I heard that someone had a private detective

00:18:00.549 --> 00:18:04.420
hired. Yeah, I heard that, too. That was weird.

00:18:04.519 --> 00:18:06.180
I mean, I don't know who would do that to you.

00:18:06.740 --> 00:18:10.059
I don't either. No. It was pretty expensive,

00:18:10.180 --> 00:18:13.700
but, you know. I heard it was very expensive,

00:18:13.819 --> 00:18:17.420
but I wouldn't know for sure like you guys. Allegedly.

00:18:17.660 --> 00:18:22.039
Allegedly, yes, yes. All right, so do you want

00:18:22.039 --> 00:18:24.900
to go into biggest fears or biggest fear? Let's

00:18:24.900 --> 00:18:27.299
do it. All right. Let's do it. Okay, my first

00:18:27.299 --> 00:18:31.890
biggest fear would be toe fungus. Weak urine

00:18:31.890 --> 00:18:36.789
stream. Or be in Chuck Schumer's personal masseuse.

00:18:37.730 --> 00:18:43.230
Oh, I'm going to say Chuck Schumer's. Although

00:18:43.230 --> 00:18:47.210
Tofungus sucks. And so does Weak Urine. Yeah,

00:18:47.690 --> 00:18:50.650
yeah. Weak urine stream is, yeah. You're there

00:18:50.650 --> 00:18:53.369
forever. I don't think I could, I couldn't bring

00:18:53.369 --> 00:18:57.180
myself to touch Charles Schumer. No. Oh, my God.

00:18:57.299 --> 00:18:59.900
His whole saggy fucking skin everywhere. Oh,

00:18:59.920 --> 00:19:02.900
my God. Oh, you know he'd want the happy ending,

00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:07.519
too, allegedly. Oh, of course. Of course. It'll

00:19:07.519 --> 00:19:11.140
probably take a day and a half. He'd be going,

00:19:11.240 --> 00:19:16.940
and looking down. Oh, time's up. Look, look,

00:19:16.940 --> 00:19:22.299
it's an hour. I've got to go. All right, and

00:19:22.299 --> 00:19:49.000
with that, I turn this over to Rob. Yeah, I'm

00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:52.059
really partial to my kneecaps, so yeah. Yeah.

00:19:52.759 --> 00:19:55.480
Even if you flew the hang glider into the mountain,

00:19:55.619 --> 00:19:57.500
the bookie would still find you there. Yes, and

00:19:57.500 --> 00:20:00.839
he'd break your kneecaps there. Allegedly. Well,

00:20:00.900 --> 00:20:04.839
see, I was going to go with darkness for 48 hours

00:20:04.839 --> 00:20:06.720
because I think I would actually like you to

00:20:06.720 --> 00:20:10.900
get away. No, I was kind of thinking that too.

00:20:11.220 --> 00:20:14.619
I got plenty of NyQuil left for the darkness,

00:20:14.839 --> 00:20:22.539
you know. I slam the night cool. 48 hours later,

00:20:22.640 --> 00:20:28.339
I wake up in the sunlight. There you go. All

00:20:28.339 --> 00:20:32.160
right, for my biggest fear. On your way out the

00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:35.799
door, you find your car covered in either green

00:20:35.799 --> 00:20:39.259
pollen. I mean, I'm talking completely covered.

00:20:39.500 --> 00:20:44.819
Either green pollen, hard, thick frost, or bird

00:20:44.819 --> 00:20:48.920
crap. I'm going to say frost because you can

00:20:48.920 --> 00:21:05.890
de -thaw it. Yeah, I think I'm going to have

00:21:05.890 --> 00:21:07.970
to be green pollen as well. I actually answered

00:21:07.970 --> 00:21:10.730
that ass backwards. I'm sorry. I got COVID. Yes,

00:21:10.809 --> 00:21:13.329
pollen would be my biggest fear. Not the easiest

00:21:13.329 --> 00:21:16.170
way to get out of it. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah.

00:21:16.430 --> 00:21:19.549
Yeah, pollen. Oh, that stuff is just, it chokes

00:21:19.549 --> 00:21:24.170
you. It does. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, I walk

00:21:24.170 --> 00:21:26.109
outside right now. There's so much pollen in

00:21:26.109 --> 00:21:27.970
the air that, like, man, I got to get back in.

00:21:28.029 --> 00:21:32.430
I mean, it's just, it kills me. Yeah. And we're

00:21:32.430 --> 00:21:36.500
not even peak season yet. No, not yet at all.

00:21:36.940 --> 00:21:39.359
You have to contact the chief and get some of

00:21:39.359 --> 00:21:42.680
those good steroids. Oh, yeah. Allegedly. Allegedly.

00:21:43.960 --> 00:21:46.480
Yeah, well, I didn't say the Kansas City Chiefs.

00:21:46.480 --> 00:21:49.279
Oh, that's right. That's right. Okay. Yeah. Okay,

00:21:49.359 --> 00:21:51.480
I stand corrected. You're right. No one said

00:21:51.480 --> 00:21:54.480
the Kansas City Chiefs at all. I thought of that

00:21:54.480 --> 00:21:56.900
last second. I'm glad I did. Yeah, thank you.

00:21:56.940 --> 00:22:03.890
Thank you. All right. Biggest fear? A boring

00:22:03.890 --> 00:22:06.410
chick flick you're obligated to watch on a 75

00:22:06.410 --> 00:22:11.089
-degree evening. A bag of bacon potatoes rotting

00:22:11.089 --> 00:22:13.690
before you had time to cook them. Or accidentally

00:22:13.690 --> 00:22:16.269
leaving ABC World News on and having to listen

00:22:16.269 --> 00:22:24.069
to just a minute of it. Well, between ABC News

00:22:24.069 --> 00:22:26.130
and the rotting potatoes, both of them would

00:22:26.130 --> 00:22:30.019
probably make you hurl. But you could probably

00:22:30.019 --> 00:22:32.339
get the potatoes out of your mind faster than

00:22:32.339 --> 00:22:35.859
the ABC News. True. So ABC News is probably going

00:22:35.859 --> 00:22:40.779
to be the most fearsome. I agree. Yeah, you can

00:22:40.779 --> 00:22:45.680
go out and buy new potatoes. Can you imagine

00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:48.279
having to listen to David Muir's smug voice?

00:22:49.440 --> 00:22:54.839
Oh, that would hurt my ears so bad. My ears would

00:22:54.839 --> 00:22:59.609
divorce me. They've all got their own little

00:22:59.609 --> 00:23:02.630
cult of personality that just loves to tune in,

00:23:02.670 --> 00:23:04.910
and whatever they say, they eat it up. Oh, yeah,

00:23:04.950 --> 00:23:08.529
they do. They do. Yep. Force -fed, gobble, gobble,

00:23:08.549 --> 00:23:12.650
gobble, the sheep eat it. Yep. Yep. And that's

00:23:12.650 --> 00:23:15.289
what the show is for, so. Yeah. It's not aimed

00:23:15.289 --> 00:23:18.450
at us. It's their show. It's not for us. No,

00:23:18.470 --> 00:23:20.170
you're right. That's right. They don't want us

00:23:20.170 --> 00:23:23.289
listening. They don't want us watching. Nope.

00:23:23.690 --> 00:23:55.180
So I don't. Prison shower. Prison shower. Yeah.

00:23:56.059 --> 00:24:01.099
The headhunters will be quick. Yes. Getting bagged

00:24:01.099 --> 00:24:05.180
to death. Prison shower will not be quick. Every

00:24:05.180 --> 00:24:20.180
orifice of yours will be quick. Every time you

00:24:20.180 --> 00:24:22.700
hear a zipper, you would like go into shell shock.

00:24:22.799 --> 00:24:24.759
You'd start hiding behind bushes and crying.

00:24:26.460 --> 00:24:29.900
I had a good imagination this week, just saying.

00:24:30.079 --> 00:24:32.740
I say. Did you have some NyQuil, Rob, by any

00:24:32.740 --> 00:24:40.119
chance? No. No, I did not. Okay. All right. My

00:24:40.119 --> 00:24:44.299
next, which is the biggest fear? ESPN's recent

00:24:44.299 --> 00:24:48.799
purchase of the NFL Network? Or people being

00:24:48.799 --> 00:24:51.400
serious? about bringing back the washed up and

00:24:51.400 --> 00:24:57.059
overpriced Tyreek Hill. Or the leaked info recently

00:24:57.059 --> 00:25:00.539
online suggesting that NFL stadiums are working

00:25:00.539 --> 00:25:03.220
together to make minimum spending requirements

00:25:03.220 --> 00:25:07.200
for all people attending games. Either in the

00:25:07.200 --> 00:25:10.200
form of you keep a card on file like you do at

00:25:10.200 --> 00:25:13.359
a hotel, or when you buy your ticket, you also

00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:17.299
have to buy a preloaded card that is good for

00:25:17.299 --> 00:25:20.259
that day only. So they make sure you spend enough

00:25:20.259 --> 00:25:25.500
to justify getting that seat. That's just a rumor

00:25:25.500 --> 00:25:28.099
that's been leaked out, but they're saying the

00:25:28.099 --> 00:25:30.779
rumor says all NFL stadiums are working together

00:25:30.779 --> 00:25:32.380
because if one does it, they're all going to

00:25:32.380 --> 00:25:36.420
do it. Well, where did PSLs come from? Yeah,

00:25:36.559 --> 00:25:39.160
I think I probably believe that one. They're

00:25:39.160 --> 00:25:41.079
working on that. Yeah, they want to price us

00:25:41.079 --> 00:25:44.880
out. They have. So that being said, I don't give

00:25:44.880 --> 00:25:47.119
a fuck about going to an NFL game ever again.

00:25:47.720 --> 00:25:52.180
So I'm going to say Tyreek Hill. Yeah, I'm tempted

00:25:52.180 --> 00:25:56.579
to say Tyreek Hill, too. Excuse me. Tyreek Hill

00:25:56.579 --> 00:25:59.500
as well. But the second one, I mean the third

00:25:59.500 --> 00:26:01.920
one about the minimum spending, that could actually

00:26:01.920 --> 00:26:04.819
destroy the game entirely. And it probably will.

00:26:06.279 --> 00:26:12.019
Yeah. I think I'm going to go with minimum spending.

00:26:12.940 --> 00:26:16.829
Okay. I'll put it like this. Look what Greed

00:26:16.829 --> 00:26:23.150
done for baseball. Yeah. NFL's on the same track,

00:26:23.250 --> 00:26:27.430
just on a different way of doing it. Yeah. So,

00:26:27.509 --> 00:26:30.450
yeah, you know what? Fuck him. I don't need to

00:26:30.450 --> 00:26:34.730
go to a game ever again. Yeah, I pretty much

00:26:34.730 --> 00:26:37.829
decided I was priced out a while ago, so I'll

00:26:37.829 --> 00:26:40.650
just enjoy it on TV. I'd rather be on TV anyhow.

00:26:40.789 --> 00:26:50.240
What about you, Rob? Yeah. They're going to up

00:26:50.240 --> 00:26:53.319
the prices like that. And Topher, I know your

00:26:53.319 --> 00:26:55.799
answer. We've talked about this enough times.

00:26:55.819 --> 00:26:59.680
We'd rather watch it at home anyhow. But you

00:26:59.680 --> 00:27:01.599
know, if you really have the urge to go to a

00:27:01.599 --> 00:27:04.359
football game, go to a high school game. Yes.

00:27:04.359 --> 00:27:06.619
Those are a blast. Oh, those are great. Good

00:27:06.619 --> 00:27:12.319
point. Yeah. Good point. I agree. Yeah. All right.

00:27:12.359 --> 00:27:16.109
My next biggest fear would be... Stepping wrong

00:27:16.109 --> 00:27:18.329
on your ankle and being crippled for a few days.

00:27:19.150 --> 00:27:21.589
Having to listen to some loudmouth in a store

00:27:21.589 --> 00:27:24.150
talk loudly to his great aunt while in line.

00:27:24.970 --> 00:27:29.470
Or Whoopi Goldberg holding a gun to your head

00:27:29.470 --> 00:27:36.910
and making you shave her privates. Whoopi. Oh

00:27:36.910 --> 00:27:47.579
my God. Can you imagine the smell? I still have

00:27:47.579 --> 00:27:52.819
COVID, Topher. Take it easy on me. I can't smell

00:27:52.819 --> 00:27:56.019
right now, and already I can smell. And then

00:27:56.019 --> 00:27:58.619
you remember Ted Danson had his face in there.

00:27:58.960 --> 00:28:11.339
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What was he thinking?

00:28:11.559 --> 00:28:16.240
What was he thinking? I don't know. I don't know.

00:28:27.879 --> 00:28:32.000
No. No, it was not. No. It's okay, I got a black

00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:35.039
girlfriend, I can do it. He thought he was exempt

00:28:35.039 --> 00:28:37.220
because he had a black girlfriend. He found out

00:28:37.220 --> 00:28:43.059
quickly he was not. Yep. If I remember right,

00:28:43.099 --> 00:28:45.440
it cost him quite a bit of money. Quite a bit

00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:47.539
of money in movie deals he could have. Yeah,

00:28:47.819 --> 00:28:49.920
I think he had a few of them pulled because of

00:28:49.920 --> 00:28:54.220
that, yes. Yeah. Yeah, something like that will

00:28:54.220 --> 00:28:58.640
get at least Disney to never go... Disney owns

00:28:58.640 --> 00:29:01.839
a lot. So that cuts you out of a lot of the market.

00:29:02.079 --> 00:29:06.579
Yeah, Disney is, yeah, we won't even go into

00:29:06.579 --> 00:29:09.339
them anyhow. I call them Jizney, not Disney,

00:29:09.500 --> 00:29:16.000
Jizney. Yeah. Well, I always say, FTM, fuck the

00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:21.799
mouse. Yeah, I agree. So we all agree, Whoopi

00:29:21.799 --> 00:29:24.059
Goldberg is the one we don't, that's our biggest

00:29:24.059 --> 00:29:28.920
fear. Yeah. sidetracked quite a bit, but that's

00:29:28.920 --> 00:29:34.059
half the fun. Yes, it is. We're climaxing, okay?

00:29:34.140 --> 00:29:49.539
Just let us do it. I'm so excited. I think it's

00:29:49.539 --> 00:30:08.059
Rob. Yeah, it is. be on the next Ocean Gate type

00:30:08.059 --> 00:30:13.359
submersible. You know, the one that is. Wow.

00:30:16.019 --> 00:30:20.200
Ocean Gate. Ocean Gate, yeah. I don't want to

00:30:20.200 --> 00:30:21.839
drive down there to the bottom of the ocean.

00:30:22.079 --> 00:30:24.599
Did you guys read up on that by chance? It took

00:30:24.599 --> 00:30:27.700
them 12 hours for it to flatten. They knew when

00:30:27.700 --> 00:30:29.980
they decompressed that they had 12 hours to live.

00:30:31.339 --> 00:30:33.839
Right. Would that not just suck? That sucks.

00:30:40.250 --> 00:30:42.549
Yeah. Yeah, it is. Boy, you have a long time

00:30:42.549 --> 00:30:45.690
to get right with God, don't you? True, true.

00:30:45.990 --> 00:30:48.369
Yeah? Well, maybe they all went to heaven, right?

00:30:50.470 --> 00:30:54.890
Let's hope. Oh, no, they were filthy rich, so

00:30:54.890 --> 00:30:59.170
maybe not. I don't know. Allegedly. I'll watch

00:30:59.170 --> 00:31:05.069
it. Yeah. Oh, is that what you guys agree with?

00:31:06.450 --> 00:31:08.670
Yes. Yeah, I think we all went with God. ocean

00:31:08.670 --> 00:31:13.130
gate okay yeah we did all right for me the next

00:31:13.130 --> 00:31:16.789
uh biggest which is the biggest fear zombie storms

00:31:16.789 --> 00:31:20.289
that's the ones when it looks like the storm

00:31:20.289 --> 00:31:23.609
is all done and it's just weakening and falling

00:31:23.609 --> 00:31:25.930
apart and then all of a sudden it regroups and

00:31:25.930 --> 00:31:28.329
becomes an even more powerful storm oh like the

00:31:28.329 --> 00:31:32.309
five tornado night yeah it's been happening a

00:31:32.309 --> 00:31:35.670
lot more lately it's like you think the storm

00:31:40.329 --> 00:31:43.250
Walking catfish, which is creepy as hell if you've

00:31:43.250 --> 00:31:47.710
ever seen it. Yes, I have. Or food microwaved

00:31:47.710 --> 00:32:16.970
in plastic. Food microwaved in plastic. Oh, without

00:32:16.970 --> 00:32:19.529
a doubt. Without a doubt. Yeah, but when you're

00:32:19.529 --> 00:32:22.589
a bachelor, you do what you got to do. Oh, yeah.

00:32:22.970 --> 00:32:25.650
Especially warming up the bologna to masturbate

00:32:25.650 --> 00:32:29.809
in, right? You can't go past 10. If you go past

00:32:29.809 --> 00:32:33.190
10 seconds, it's too hot. And then you add the

00:32:33.190 --> 00:32:36.089
plastic container, put those chemicals into the

00:32:36.089 --> 00:32:40.750
food. Yeah, yeah. If nothing else, the plastic

00:32:40.750 --> 00:32:43.470
always retains a little bit of taste of dish

00:32:43.470 --> 00:32:47.640
soap. Yes. Right, right. Always. We've all had

00:32:47.640 --> 00:32:49.519
our bachelor days where that happened, don't

00:32:49.519 --> 00:32:53.819
we? Yep. Yep. Right here, I'm warming up a nice

00:32:53.819 --> 00:33:00.220
bowl of Jet Dry. Whatever little salt would taste

00:33:00.220 --> 00:33:08.220
good on this Jet Dry. All right, Mark, it's up

00:33:08.220 --> 00:33:12.819
to you. Oh, okay. Biggest fear, bacon that was

00:33:12.819 --> 00:33:14.740
spoiled when you cooked it and you ate it not

00:33:14.740 --> 00:33:20.460
knowing. A bag of scat being thrown at your face.

00:33:21.859 --> 00:33:27.319
Or having to sleep on J .D. Vance's couch. Oh,

00:33:27.319 --> 00:33:31.940
yeah. Is everybody familiar with that story?

00:33:33.019 --> 00:33:37.579
I'm familiar enough. Okay. I'm going to say J

00:33:37.579 --> 00:33:41.880
.D. Vance's couch. Yeah, unless you can get a

00:33:41.880 --> 00:33:50.309
temper. glue your ass cheeks together. Yeah,

00:33:50.309 --> 00:33:52.130
that's about it. That's the only way you'd be

00:33:52.130 --> 00:33:58.349
safe on that couch. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, we're all

00:33:58.349 --> 00:34:03.950
in agreement. Some of these are easy. Yeah, some

00:34:03.950 --> 00:34:08.710
of them are pretty clear cut. That one's a clear

00:34:08.710 --> 00:34:32.429
cut. Been there, done that. Yeah. Or being abandoned

00:34:32.429 --> 00:34:35.590
on the International Space Station for two months

00:34:35.590 --> 00:34:40.550
alone. I'm tempted to say workplace shift, not

00:34:40.550 --> 00:34:43.469
doing anything before you, but probably the International

00:34:43.469 --> 00:34:47.730
Space Station. Yeah, I'm going to have to agree

00:34:47.730 --> 00:34:50.389
with the Space Station. I do not do well in isolation.

00:34:50.829 --> 00:34:54.070
No. Yeah. Abandon you. I'm glad to go to the

00:34:54.070 --> 00:34:56.510
Space Station because of how long it took us

00:34:56.510 --> 00:35:05.880
to get the other ones. Yeah, it was. Joe Biden

00:35:05.880 --> 00:35:12.579
had to finish his ice cream. At one point, Boeing

00:35:12.579 --> 00:35:15.880
was publicly complaining to everyone who would

00:35:15.880 --> 00:35:18.179
listen that they were tired of people making

00:35:18.179 --> 00:35:20.099
jokes about it because it was making them look

00:35:20.099 --> 00:35:25.619
bad. Yeah, probably. That was their idea of PR

00:35:25.619 --> 00:35:29.849
and handling the situation. Whine. Yeah. Stop

00:35:29.849 --> 00:35:34.769
showing it! You guys are a bunch of meanies.

00:35:36.329 --> 00:35:40.650
Man, a once proud company. Yeah, fucked. Yep.

00:35:40.929 --> 00:35:49.250
Yep. Alright. Alright. Which would be the biggest

00:35:49.250 --> 00:35:52.670
fear? Arnold Schwarzenegger making an Outlaw

00:35:52.670 --> 00:35:57.789
Country album with Willie Nelson. Jimmy Kimmel.

00:35:59.500 --> 00:36:04.840
routine with Mariah Carey or Bad Bunny owning

00:36:04.840 --> 00:36:13.480
a NASCAR team? Oh. Oh. I don't like any of those

00:36:13.480 --> 00:36:21.500
choices. I'm going to say Jimmy Kimmel. Bad Bunny,

00:36:21.659 --> 00:36:24.420
I just, you know, okay, he owns a NASCAR team.

00:36:24.480 --> 00:36:26.340
I never watch NASCAR, so that doesn't affect

00:36:26.340 --> 00:36:30.780
me. I might accidentally... Go ahead. Go ahead.

00:36:31.800 --> 00:36:38.119
Oh, I just might accidentally... Someone asked

00:36:38.119 --> 00:36:41.579
about Mariah Carey? Yeah. What was the one about

00:36:41.579 --> 00:36:44.440
Mariah Carey? Oh, it was Jimmy Kimmel doing a

00:36:44.440 --> 00:36:49.320
ventriloquist routine. It's your choice who's

00:36:49.320 --> 00:36:52.300
the ventriloquist and who plays the dummy. Either

00:36:52.300 --> 00:37:11.630
one. Yeah, good point. Good point. And it's around

00:37:11.630 --> 00:37:16.369
Fourth of July. Oh, you're right. Yeah. Yeah.

00:37:18.130 --> 00:37:20.909
Well, I think I'm going to go with Schwarzenegger

00:37:20.909 --> 00:37:23.090
making an Outlaw Country album with Willie Nelson

00:37:23.090 --> 00:37:26.650
because my curiosity is going to make me listen

00:37:26.650 --> 00:37:30.329
to it at least once. That's a good point. If

00:37:30.329 --> 00:37:33.769
they never make it, I'll never have to listen

00:37:33.769 --> 00:37:36.949
to it. But if they make it, I'm... You know,

00:37:36.989 --> 00:37:39.329
that is dangerous ground there. Yeah, okay, you

00:37:39.329 --> 00:37:43.150
know what? I changed my vote. I changed my vote.

00:37:44.090 --> 00:37:49.590
Okay. Yeah, they're all pretty bad. Yeah, yeah.

00:37:49.829 --> 00:37:53.030
They were pretty even up on horribleness. Yeah,

00:37:53.289 --> 00:37:57.630
they were. All right. Biggest fear. Being a test

00:37:57.630 --> 00:38:01.690
person for a huge pharmaceutical company. Having

00:38:01.690 --> 00:38:03.969
possessed dolls scream at you while you're sleeping.

00:38:06.630 --> 00:38:08.969
Or The View getting renewed for several years.

00:38:10.590 --> 00:38:14.809
The View. Yeah, it's going to have to be The

00:38:14.809 --> 00:38:44.940
View. They bother me just knowing they exist.

00:38:45.420 --> 00:38:48.159
I still hear a lot about it, even though I don't

00:38:48.159 --> 00:38:51.099
watch it. Exactly. It is a strong force for evil.

00:38:51.579 --> 00:38:55.659
Yes. Yeah, it is. Yeah, we don't need that evilness

00:38:55.659 --> 00:39:29.130
in our society, no. Rushie Rice's car. Oh, gosh.

00:39:29.929 --> 00:39:34.789
Yeah, probably Richie Rice's car. You don't know

00:39:34.789 --> 00:39:37.269
if you're going to live on that one. Rob, I give

00:39:37.269 --> 00:39:41.849
you an A, A plus. A, A plus on that one. That

00:39:41.849 --> 00:39:43.710
was good. Yeah, you don't know if you're going

00:39:43.710 --> 00:40:01.780
to make it through that one. Warm flat beer.

00:40:03.300 --> 00:40:08.239
Or taking seven cooked hamburgers off the grill

00:40:08.239 --> 00:40:17.940
when you only put six on raw. I'm going to say

00:40:17.940 --> 00:40:22.000
hamburgers. Mystery burger. Mystery burger. Yeah,

00:40:22.099 --> 00:40:25.880
mystery burger. Oh, the watery deviled eggs are

00:40:25.880 --> 00:40:28.179
really close. I'm going to say burgers. Yeah.

00:40:30.619 --> 00:40:33.639
I'm out of flat beer. Like the next morning,

00:40:33.699 --> 00:40:36.460
I've had some warm flat beer. It's okay. You

00:40:36.460 --> 00:40:37.579
can do it. Yeah, you can get to it. As long as

00:40:37.579 --> 00:40:40.000
there's not a cigarette butt floating in it anywhere

00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:42.219
that you can do it. Yeah, you can do it. Yeah.

00:40:42.659 --> 00:40:46.440
All right. I'm out of them. That was all I had.

00:40:46.599 --> 00:40:50.519
You guys have more? Yeah, that's all I had. I

00:40:50.519 --> 00:40:54.239
got one more. Okay. All right. Which is the biggest

00:40:54.239 --> 00:41:08.210
fear? Traces of dish soap in your coffee? I'm

00:41:08.210 --> 00:41:12.289
going to say water. Water that, yeah. Yeah, I've

00:41:12.289 --> 00:41:13.869
had that. You can only smell it if you can't

00:41:13.869 --> 00:41:16.090
see it, so you don't know what that is. That

00:41:16.090 --> 00:41:18.090
dish soap taste is hard to get out of your mouth.

00:41:20.070 --> 00:41:23.769
Yeah, but I remember at a hotel once, all the

00:41:23.769 --> 00:41:26.210
water coming out of the faucet, it just smelled

00:41:26.210 --> 00:41:29.210
bad coming out, but it tasted fine. Yeah. Yeah,

00:41:29.210 --> 00:41:31.309
I made coffee with it, and it tasted fine, but

00:41:31.309 --> 00:41:35.269
it's like, oh, my God, what's that smell? It

00:41:35.269 --> 00:41:39.500
really makes you contemplate. Yeah, it makes

00:41:39.500 --> 00:41:41.460
you question life, doesn't it? It's like, huh?

00:41:41.739 --> 00:41:47.099
Yes. All right, let's take our first break. Definitely

00:41:47.099 --> 00:41:49.280
makes you wonder how your morning's going to

00:41:49.280 --> 00:41:53.599
go. Yes, yeah. Just sets the tone you don't want

00:41:53.599 --> 00:41:59.599
for the morning. Right. All right, let's go to

00:41:59.599 --> 00:42:03.559
our first break. We got some emails. Hey there.

00:42:06.760 --> 00:42:09.019
have those annoying co -workers that do nothing

00:42:09.019 --> 00:42:12.679
there's nothing we can do about it because hr

00:42:12.679 --> 00:42:15.619
departments are running scared of lawyers so

00:42:15.619 --> 00:42:17.699
we have to work with these worthless pieces of

00:42:17.699 --> 00:42:21.039
garbage but we have to communicate about them

00:42:21.039 --> 00:42:24.219
without them knowing about it here at two douchebags

00:42:24.219 --> 00:42:26.320
microphone we developed a way that you can speak

00:42:26.320 --> 00:42:28.480
about them right in front of them without them

00:42:28.480 --> 00:42:31.980
knowing about it stay tuned the physics group

00:42:32.510 --> 00:42:35.849
They focus on the absolute lack of movement or

00:42:35.849 --> 00:42:40.429
the laws of nature they seem to defy. The glazier,

00:42:40.550 --> 00:42:43.349
they spend all day staring through windows or

00:42:43.349 --> 00:42:46.070
at screens without actually touching anything.

00:42:47.409 --> 00:42:50.769
G -force, they act like they're being pinned

00:42:50.769 --> 00:42:54.789
to their chair by nine GGs of atmospheric pressure.

00:42:56.530 --> 00:43:00.440
The human speed bump. Everyone has to work around

00:43:00.440 --> 00:43:06.579
them to get the job done. The Invisibles. For

00:43:06.579 --> 00:43:08.880
the co -worker who is a master at disappearing

00:43:08.880 --> 00:43:14.980
when work appears. The Ghost. You hear stories

00:43:14.980 --> 00:43:17.980
about them, but you rarely actually see them

00:43:17.980 --> 00:43:22.139
working. Have you ever wondered what something

00:43:22.139 --> 00:43:24.380
came about? Have you ever looked at something

00:43:24.380 --> 00:43:26.500
and said, Hey, I wonder what the origin of that

00:43:26.500 --> 00:43:30.250
is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you

00:43:30.250 --> 00:43:35.170
the origin of. This is the origin of Rob Rad's

00:43:35.170 --> 00:43:39.130
loincloth. Rob used to strip in a nightclub called

00:43:39.130 --> 00:43:42.110
McCock's on the city's east side. Rob was the

00:43:42.110 --> 00:43:44.869
only completely new dancer at the club. The other

00:43:44.869 --> 00:43:46.929
dancers were jealous of Rob making all the cash

00:43:46.929 --> 00:43:49.650
and made him use a loincloth to dance with. Rob

00:43:49.650 --> 00:43:52.170
soon had to wear his loincloth daily. He found

00:43:52.170 --> 00:43:53.929
out that he could get out of traffic tickets,

00:43:54.030 --> 00:43:56.590
sell vinyl siding, and pick up hotties at the

00:43:56.590 --> 00:43:59.289
come and go. Rob now wears his loincloth everywhere

00:43:59.289 --> 00:44:02.570
except work. Sparks plus pubic hair equals to

00:44:02.570 --> 00:44:06.190
bad things. Sir, I see your qualifications here.

00:44:06.349 --> 00:44:08.630
May I ask some further questions that could help

00:44:08.630 --> 00:44:11.590
me determine your employment eligibility? Yes,

00:44:11.590 --> 00:44:14.469
sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here, we

00:44:14.469 --> 00:44:16.969
have a large population of different ethnic backgrounds,

00:44:17.210 --> 00:44:21.510
sexuality, and ages. Are you by chance bilingual?

00:44:22.400 --> 00:44:24.900
Well, sir, I'm not sure why you need that kind

00:44:24.900 --> 00:44:27.760
of information, but, well, it was only one time

00:44:27.760 --> 00:44:30.659
in summer camp. I considered it experimental.

00:44:34.940 --> 00:44:38.119
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for

00:44:38.119 --> 00:44:40.800
brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.

00:44:41.079 --> 00:44:44.159
There's a small island in the South Pacific where

00:44:44.159 --> 00:44:49.710
people actually talk with eye movements. And

00:44:49.710 --> 00:44:52.630
now we look in on the adventures of the technical

00:44:52.630 --> 00:44:56.570
explanation guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could

00:44:56.570 --> 00:44:59.610
you please put my plain bread in a small countertop

00:44:59.610 --> 00:45:01.690
appliance with heating elements that would spring

00:45:01.690 --> 00:45:04.909
loaded and would brown my bread adequately? Well,

00:45:04.949 --> 00:45:07.769
first off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over

00:45:07.769 --> 00:45:10.829
there sitting at the table having a drink. Second

00:45:10.829 --> 00:45:12.750
off, are you talking about someone toasting your

00:45:12.750 --> 00:45:15.619
bread? Well, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about

00:45:15.619 --> 00:45:17.780
my bread being toasted. Then why don't you just

00:45:17.780 --> 00:45:20.280
ask for your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard?

00:45:20.539 --> 00:45:23.159
The hell's wrong with you? Ms. Gulkenstein was

00:45:23.159 --> 00:45:25.039
tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of her.

00:45:25.559 --> 00:45:27.880
Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein

00:45:27.880 --> 00:45:30.559
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.

00:45:31.139 --> 00:45:34.980
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing

00:45:34.980 --> 00:45:39.679
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to

00:45:39.679 --> 00:45:41.659
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.

00:45:42.329 --> 00:45:45.829
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin

00:45:45.829 --> 00:45:51.130
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen

00:45:51.130 --> 00:45:53.750
in as Rob, the capuchin monkey, tries to sell

00:45:53.750 --> 00:45:56.570
the rest of the capuchin monkey's amway. Rob

00:45:56.570 --> 00:45:58.510
has always dreamed of becoming a diamond status

00:45:58.510 --> 00:46:23.050
amway as a capuchin monkey. Little did our hero

00:46:23.050 --> 00:46:26.829
Rob know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's

00:46:26.829 --> 00:46:28.949
Club and became violently pissed off when he

00:46:28.949 --> 00:46:31.710
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly

00:46:31.710 --> 00:46:33.909
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days

00:46:33.909 --> 00:46:37.869
straight. Rob could not sit down. Our constant

00:46:37.869 --> 00:46:41.210
pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange

00:46:41.210 --> 00:46:46.090
insults from an alien. Real hilarity. May, your

00:46:46.090 --> 00:46:49.590
grandmother always intruded your thoughts. At

00:46:49.590 --> 00:46:55.550
the last minute, why? Hey there, this is Buford

00:46:55.550 --> 00:46:58.969
Rasputin, the common sense concierge. You ever

00:46:58.969 --> 00:47:01.969
wake up in the bed of 1978 Ford F -150 with rusted

00:47:01.969 --> 00:47:05.150
out wheel wells? Well, so have I. Oh, there's

00:47:05.150 --> 00:47:06.869
nothing I can do about all those nice little

00:47:06.869 --> 00:47:08.489
apology cards you're going to be handing out

00:47:08.489 --> 00:47:11.110
and all that head pounding. The one thing I can

00:47:11.110 --> 00:47:13.489
do is give you a list of die bar do's and don'ts.

00:47:13.510 --> 00:47:17.289
Stay tuned, little partner. People often ask,

00:47:17.389 --> 00:47:19.650
how do we cram so much money into one little

00:47:19.650 --> 00:47:23.289
show? Well, it's simple. We buy funny in bulk

00:47:23.289 --> 00:47:26.530
on the Internet. Hey, Mark, you're wanted at

00:47:26.530 --> 00:47:28.829
the front door. There's a big bag of funny they

00:47:28.829 --> 00:47:32.289
need you to sign for. Okay, thanks a lot. I'll

00:47:32.289 --> 00:47:34.150
be right there. I'm still sorting out the funny

00:47:34.150 --> 00:47:36.730
we got from yesterday. There's your answer. We

00:47:36.730 --> 00:47:40.489
buy funny in bulk on the Internet. You watched

00:47:40.489 --> 00:47:44.730
the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?

00:47:45.369 --> 00:47:48.329
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand

00:47:48.329 --> 00:47:57.809
and have multiple mobile chargers. Who may die

00:47:57.809 --> 00:48:00.929
from plants are essential. The dyes can be used

00:48:00.929 --> 00:48:03.849
to mark locations on trees, even to color clothing

00:48:03.849 --> 00:48:06.969
or to be laid out to where footprints or paw

00:48:06.969 --> 00:48:09.869
prints could be left. The dye can be placed on

00:48:09.869 --> 00:48:12.469
the ground around the perimeter of your dwelling.

00:48:12.530 --> 00:48:15.170
So if you have to leave, evidence will be present

00:48:15.170 --> 00:48:19.659
to assess the situation. Hey, you pilgrims. This

00:48:19.659 --> 00:48:22.639
is Mark from Two Douchebags and Microphone. And

00:48:22.639 --> 00:48:24.719
this is the Two Douchebags and Microphone part

00:48:24.719 --> 00:48:27.860
of the day. Hey, good kid. No one gives an ounce

00:48:27.860 --> 00:48:30.280
of shit what you had for breakfast. Not even

00:48:30.280 --> 00:48:32.579
the person on the other end. You look like a

00:48:32.579 --> 00:48:35.039
mentally slow driv yelling into thin air all

00:48:35.039 --> 00:48:37.480
through the store. I pray that Bluetooth shorts

00:48:37.480 --> 00:48:40.400
out and blows up your eardrums. What men consider

00:48:40.400 --> 00:48:43.400
self -centered dunce. Mommy constantly coddled

00:48:43.400 --> 00:48:45.719
this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look back

00:48:45.719 --> 00:48:48.289
home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably forgot

00:48:48.289 --> 00:48:50.190
the theming because you're too busy looking in

00:48:50.190 --> 00:49:05.949
the mirror all day. Fuck off. Two douchebags

00:49:05.949 --> 00:49:07.570
and a microphone. Oh, wait a minute. No, no,

00:49:07.590 --> 00:49:10.349
no. No, no, no. This is the Douchebag Gangbang.

00:49:10.429 --> 00:49:12.630
Welcome back. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City

00:49:12.630 --> 00:49:36.550
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I'm Topher

00:49:36.550 --> 00:49:39.289
in the Paisley Possum Studios, just south of

00:49:39.289 --> 00:49:41.869
historic Waldo, Missouri. The coffee is hot and

00:49:41.869 --> 00:49:44.530
available 24 hours a day. The space heater is

00:49:44.530 --> 00:49:47.869
on, and there's really nothing on TV, so you

00:49:47.869 --> 00:49:49.929
might as well stick around and listen. This is

00:49:49.929 --> 00:49:53.869
true. Good boy. All right, plus we got e -mails.

00:49:53.989 --> 00:49:56.269
I mean, we all know the e -mails much better

00:49:56.269 --> 00:50:00.269
than us, right? Yeah, definitely. Yeah. So, all

00:50:00.269 --> 00:50:03.030
right, the first one. Hey, guys, could you guys

00:50:03.030 --> 00:50:05.429
add another show per week, the Gang Bang show

00:50:05.429 --> 00:50:08.170
in particular? I just need more. I love all the

00:50:08.170 --> 00:50:10.849
shows, but you all really hit a home run with

00:50:10.849 --> 00:50:15.530
this one. Ross in Texas. Thank you, Ross. Yeah,

00:50:15.530 --> 00:50:18.030
yeah, thank you, Ross, but I really don't, I

00:50:18.030 --> 00:50:22.420
mean. I mean, I'm kind of tapped out after four

00:50:22.420 --> 00:50:28.739
shows a week. Yeah. Yeah, we all have, like,

00:50:28.800 --> 00:50:32.159
jobs and lives and things, and we don't monetize

00:50:32.159 --> 00:50:35.659
this at all. Yeah. So we want to keep it fun.

00:50:35.960 --> 00:50:39.320
Yeah. Yeah, so we really appreciate your interest

00:50:39.320 --> 00:50:43.940
and everything, but it's probably never going

00:50:43.940 --> 00:50:46.280
to happen. I mean, we'd all have to be retired

00:50:46.280 --> 00:50:48.920
with nothing to do. I mean, just nothing. We

00:50:48.920 --> 00:50:51.219
all have stuff that we like to do, other interests,

00:50:51.480 --> 00:50:56.460
other things, chores, everything. It sounds a

00:50:56.460 --> 00:50:58.340
lot easier than what it is, honestly, believe

00:50:58.340 --> 00:51:03.619
me. It takes a lot of work. It really does. About

00:51:03.619 --> 00:51:05.840
the only thing we could really do would be make

00:51:05.840 --> 00:51:08.539
longer podcasts and then release them in pieces.

00:51:09.059 --> 00:51:11.480
You always have something new coming out every

00:51:11.480 --> 00:51:16.019
couple days. That's possible. We can look into

00:51:16.019 --> 00:51:18.550
that. You know, at the city market, if we get

00:51:18.550 --> 00:51:20.849
on a roll, we can always do longer ones. We have.

00:51:20.949 --> 00:51:23.010
We've done two -and -a -half, three -hour ones

00:51:23.010 --> 00:51:27.550
before, a couple of them. So, you know, probably

00:51:27.550 --> 00:51:29.809
not all the time, Rossington, but, you know,

00:51:29.809 --> 00:51:32.090
we can throw you little tidbits here and there.

00:51:32.289 --> 00:51:35.630
And I am planning on doing some little I call

00:51:35.630 --> 00:51:38.269
bullshit solo stuff. Yeah, they're only about

00:51:38.269 --> 00:51:40.070
ten minutes long, but it's something you can

00:51:40.070 --> 00:51:41.630
chew on while you're waiting for the next one.

00:51:43.909 --> 00:51:47.300
So, yeah. I think that'll work. Yeah, yeah. So

00:51:47.300 --> 00:51:49.699
thank you, Ross. And anyhow, if any of you two

00:51:49.699 --> 00:51:52.139
have something you want to do, a solo project

00:51:52.139 --> 00:51:54.800
or something, I know Topher can do his own and

00:51:54.800 --> 00:51:57.079
then just send me the file or put it up himself.

00:51:57.440 --> 00:51:59.900
Right. And then, Rob, if you ever want to do

00:51:59.900 --> 00:52:02.039
something, this studio is always available. You

00:52:02.039 --> 00:52:06.679
can call it in. Right. Okay. So, Ross, we're

00:52:06.679 --> 00:52:09.280
working on helping you out a little bit, but

00:52:09.280 --> 00:52:10.840
we don't know how much we're going to be able

00:52:10.840 --> 00:52:12.900
to do. That's just the way it is. Thank you.

00:52:13.099 --> 00:52:17.170
Right. It's called life. Yeah. But Rossington

00:52:17.170 --> 00:52:19.730
is one of our best listeners. He is royalty,

00:52:19.869 --> 00:52:23.510
and we thank him for being that interested in

00:52:23.510 --> 00:52:28.070
the show. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, and Rossington,

00:52:28.170 --> 00:52:30.030
this isn't the first time he's expressed to me

00:52:30.030 --> 00:52:32.969
how much he loves Topher on this show. He has

00:52:32.969 --> 00:52:36.530
not quit talking about it. That warms my heart.

00:52:36.570 --> 00:52:40.409
That really does. That's awesome. I appreciate

00:52:40.409 --> 00:52:42.679
all the... All the support and all the approval.

00:52:42.840 --> 00:52:45.059
It's great. No, it's been overwhelming. It's

00:52:45.059 --> 00:52:47.639
been overwhelming. Everybody is all in favor

00:52:47.639 --> 00:52:51.679
of it. They love it. Well, I am having a really

00:52:51.679 --> 00:52:54.920
good time. Yeah, I think we all are, aren't we?

00:52:55.599 --> 00:53:00.179
Yeah, I am. I think we really needed this. We

00:53:00.179 --> 00:53:03.119
really did. We did. It's such a release. I look

00:53:03.119 --> 00:53:09.119
forward to it every Sunday night. Okay. All right.

00:53:09.280 --> 00:53:12.170
Next one. Mark. Where can I find the food dude

00:53:12.170 --> 00:53:14.829
on Instagram? I'm going to do a little traveling

00:53:14.829 --> 00:53:18.369
soon. Thanks, Josh in Omaha. I don't know what

00:53:18.369 --> 00:53:20.469
happened to it. I mean, I did it back when I

00:53:20.469 --> 00:53:24.110
was traveling for work. And I would usually do

00:53:24.110 --> 00:53:28.570
like coffee shops, and I'd rate bagels, danishes,

00:53:28.630 --> 00:53:31.690
stuff like that, and coffees. Every now and then

00:53:31.690 --> 00:53:33.349
I went into a little bit of food, but it was

00:53:33.349 --> 00:53:35.510
called The Food Dude, and it's no longer on Instagram.

00:53:35.949 --> 00:53:38.289
Some other person has something like it called

00:53:38.289 --> 00:53:40.130
The Food Duty or something like that. I don't

00:53:40.130 --> 00:53:42.909
know. I don't know what happened to it, but I

00:53:42.909 --> 00:53:45.750
have all the transcripts. Email me. And where

00:53:45.750 --> 00:53:48.110
you're going, just send me a couple of names

00:53:48.110 --> 00:53:50.670
of where you're going. And if I have something,

00:53:50.769 --> 00:53:53.090
I will send you the transcript of what I had

00:53:53.090 --> 00:53:55.590
up there. Because I have all the transcripts

00:53:55.590 --> 00:53:58.070
still. I don't know why I kept them, but I did.

00:53:59.369 --> 00:54:04.469
Josh. So, anyhow. Anybody got anything for that?

00:54:06.329 --> 00:54:09.590
No, I don't really have any that would fill that

00:54:09.590 --> 00:54:14.780
niche. Okay. All right, next one. This is for

00:54:14.780 --> 00:54:17.440
Rob and Topher. Do you guys do any solo shows

00:54:17.440 --> 00:54:20.099
or plan on it in the near future? I know Mark

00:54:20.099 --> 00:54:22.119
is on all of them and will occasionally do a

00:54:22.119 --> 00:54:24.619
solo cast. Just wondering, Molly in Memphis.

00:54:26.760 --> 00:54:28.380
Well, Rob, why don't you address that first?

00:55:06.639 --> 00:55:11.599
Oh, that's a good idea. I actually have done

00:55:11.599 --> 00:55:17.039
a couple solo projects put up on the site. I

00:55:17.039 --> 00:55:21.440
did one about movies with weird titles, and I

00:55:21.440 --> 00:55:24.760
did another one about my favorite guitar solos

00:55:24.760 --> 00:55:28.340
from Alice Cooper recordings. I love that one.

00:55:28.500 --> 00:55:31.980
And both of those should still be up there somewhere,

00:55:32.079 --> 00:55:34.139
but I would have no idea how you would search

00:55:34.139 --> 00:55:38.760
for it. It is season... Four, I believe. Okay.

00:55:39.400 --> 00:55:42.860
Maybe they can search by the title. One was Strange

00:55:42.860 --> 00:55:45.519
Movie Titles, and the other one was Favorite

00:55:45.519 --> 00:55:48.840
Guitar Solos. Oh, that's cool. Oh, you did the

00:55:48.840 --> 00:55:52.900
Storm Special. Yeah, I do have some ideas for

00:55:52.900 --> 00:55:55.699
some other ones that I can just do on my own

00:55:55.699 --> 00:55:59.500
and put up. I've got one actually in process.

00:56:02.440 --> 00:56:04.079
and I change it, so I'm not really sure what

00:56:04.079 --> 00:56:08.300
it's going to be about at this point. I know

00:56:08.300 --> 00:56:12.539
the feeling on that, yeah. It's my own version

00:56:12.539 --> 00:56:18.780
of the NyQuil stuff. Molly, thank you for your

00:56:18.780 --> 00:56:20.780
interest. The answer, I guess, would be yes.

00:56:21.079 --> 00:56:24.239
Yeah. I mean, the overwhelming thing is people

00:56:24.239 --> 00:56:27.380
want more, which is a good thing. That's a very

00:56:27.380 --> 00:56:30.639
good thing. Okay, next one. Well, Mark, where

00:56:30.639 --> 00:56:33.119
the hell is the Bluetooth? with the old man you

00:56:33.119 --> 00:56:35.619
worked with story. Mitch in Kansas City eating

00:56:35.619 --> 00:56:39.019
barbecue at Gates on Main Street. P .S. I am

00:56:39.019 --> 00:56:42.659
staying at the Country Club Plaza Hilton, so

00:56:42.659 --> 00:56:46.900
Mark, you can feel free not to visit me. They

00:56:46.900 --> 00:56:51.019
toss out homeless people all the time. You must

00:56:51.019 --> 00:56:57.980
have dressed up if you got in. Mitch, you're

00:56:57.980 --> 00:57:01.360
back home now because I emailed you. Yes, I know

00:57:01.360 --> 00:57:03.079
you're back home now, but even if you was still

00:57:03.079 --> 00:57:05.199
here, I wouldn't waste the time. No, no, no,

00:57:05.239 --> 00:57:07.500
I would. I'd go give you COVID and take off.

00:57:08.199 --> 00:57:15.639
No. Mitch, I'm sorry about that time a long time

00:57:15.639 --> 00:57:17.539
ago when I made you run through the field with

00:57:17.539 --> 00:57:21.239
a boner. I'm sorry about that, okay? What can

00:57:21.239 --> 00:57:24.139
I do to make it up? I mean, can I give you a

00:57:24.139 --> 00:57:29.639
Whitman sampler? You know, I don't know. A dozen

00:57:29.639 --> 00:57:33.699
bouquet of flowers? Russell Stover's set? I don't

00:57:33.699 --> 00:57:39.260
know. You know? All right, next one. Oh, this

00:57:39.260 --> 00:57:41.320
one's good, and I don't know why they asked this,

00:57:41.400 --> 00:57:44.900
but Topher, what is your most embarrassing story

00:57:44.900 --> 00:57:54.909
ever, Jeff and Springfield? story? Wow. Well,

00:57:58.610 --> 00:58:02.030
one that I can think of recently that I keep

00:58:02.030 --> 00:58:05.530
thinking back on and cringing is I was down at

00:58:05.530 --> 00:58:09.570
the Knuckleheads Jam and feeling kind of confident

00:58:09.570 --> 00:58:13.429
about myself and my abilities and the guys counted

00:58:13.429 --> 00:58:15.949
in the next song and I started playing and I

00:58:15.949 --> 00:58:19.730
was exactly opposite of the beat. and I couldn't

00:58:19.730 --> 00:58:23.210
tell. Oh. And the bass player finally came over

00:58:23.210 --> 00:58:25.429
and yelled at me, he said, you're playing backwards,

00:58:25.550 --> 00:58:28.070
and I had to stop for a couple beats, and then,

00:58:28.150 --> 00:58:30.510
okay, okay, here it is, and I picked up, but,

00:58:30.530 --> 00:58:34.130
wow, I was up there feeling awesome about myself,

00:58:34.250 --> 00:58:40.489
and I was doing it exactly wrong. Wow. Oh. But

00:58:40.489 --> 00:58:43.469
I have been back since then, and nobody threw

00:58:43.469 --> 00:58:46.010
rotten fruit at me, so I think I'm forgiven.

00:58:46.289 --> 00:58:50.699
That's a good thing. There you go. That's a pretty

00:58:50.699 --> 00:58:56.400
good one, actually. All right. This next one,

00:58:56.440 --> 00:58:58.559
I don't know either. Rob, do you eat ketchup

00:58:58.559 --> 00:59:04.739
with your fries? Terry in Minnesota. Yeah. I

00:59:04.739 --> 00:59:07.780
don't know many people that don't. I don't think

00:59:07.780 --> 00:59:09.860
I know anybody that doesn't eat ketchup, at least

00:59:09.860 --> 00:59:16.539
a little bit. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah, I do. Okay.

00:59:16.599 --> 00:59:21.539
Every now and then, my wife will have, Oh, those

00:59:21.539 --> 00:59:26.440
are good. Yeah. I think you can get those up

00:59:26.440 --> 00:59:29.079
at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Oh, they do that,

00:59:29.099 --> 00:59:32.179
too? I remember Long John Silver's and Captain

00:59:32.179 --> 00:59:35.139
D's used to do that, too. Yeah, I remember the

00:59:35.139 --> 00:59:36.760
little bottle at the table and thinking, what

00:59:36.760 --> 00:59:40.480
the heck is this stuff? Yeah. Yeah, and you accidentally

00:59:40.480 --> 00:59:42.320
spilled some on your fries. You didn't know it

00:59:42.320 --> 00:59:43.780
was for your fries. You thought it was for the

00:59:43.780 --> 00:59:46.670
fish, right? and you accidentally spilled it

00:59:46.670 --> 00:59:48.170
on your fries, you're like, hey, that's not too

00:59:48.170 --> 00:59:50.250
bad. You thought you discovered something, but

00:59:50.250 --> 00:59:55.670
actually it was for the fries. All right, so

00:59:55.670 --> 00:59:57.630
Terry in Minnesota, there you go. All right,

00:59:57.710 --> 01:00:00.150
Mark, your prediction on the non -prosecution

01:00:00.150 --> 01:00:02.570
looks to be true. Do you have any other predictions?

01:00:02.630 --> 01:00:05.250
Wesley Alexander, but doesn't give where this

01:00:05.250 --> 01:00:08.670
person lives. Yeah, more lying, more corruption,

01:00:08.710 --> 01:00:12.670
and more thievery. That's my prediction. Anybody

01:00:12.670 --> 01:00:20.630
else have anything? You mentioned this, Mark,

01:00:20.730 --> 01:00:24.610
the other day on a podcast that it's like a gentleman's

01:00:24.610 --> 01:00:29.250
agreement that you can expose a politician and

01:00:29.250 --> 01:00:33.809
ridicule them and ruin their career and chase

01:00:33.809 --> 01:00:36.909
them out of office, but you don't prosecute because

01:00:36.909 --> 01:00:53.380
that would... So the only way it all works is

01:00:53.380 --> 01:00:57.739
nobody prosecutes, so nobody flips. Yep. Everybody

01:00:57.739 --> 01:01:01.440
keep your mouth shut. Yep. Yep. I would guarantee

01:01:01.440 --> 01:01:04.440
it. Like I said, I would bet my pension and 401k

01:01:04.440 --> 01:01:08.000
that that's what is going on. That's what brought

01:01:08.000 --> 01:01:25.219
down organized crime is they all started... So

01:01:25.219 --> 01:01:27.780
yeah, so they say, look, you can get votes by

01:01:27.780 --> 01:01:30.440
tarnishing me, but you don't ever send me to

01:01:30.440 --> 01:01:33.719
prison, and I don't send you to prison. Yep.

01:01:34.219 --> 01:01:37.960
Yep. Right. It's like they all have their individual

01:01:37.960 --> 01:01:41.460
dead man switch. Yes. And any one of them could

01:01:41.460 --> 01:01:45.360
nuke everyone else out of existence. Yeah. Yeah,

01:01:45.380 --> 01:01:47.099
that's a good way of putting it. So they all

01:01:47.099 --> 01:01:49.179
don't get near the nuke button. They stay away.

01:01:49.559 --> 01:01:53.320
Yep. We all live together, or we'll all die together.

01:01:53.579 --> 01:01:58.070
Yep. Yeah, allegedly. Allegedly. Thank you. That's

01:01:58.070 --> 01:01:59.769
all I did there, guys. I'll borrow it for you

01:01:59.769 --> 01:02:04.610
guys. I got you guys back on this. All right.

01:02:04.610 --> 01:02:07.010
For the rest of the reason. Thank you. Okay.

01:02:07.150 --> 01:02:10.170
And this last one almost didn't print it out,

01:02:10.210 --> 01:02:11.889
but I'm going to go ahead and throw it to you

01:02:11.889 --> 01:02:16.329
anyhow. Because, okay, Rob, do you have an answer

01:02:16.329 --> 01:02:18.949
for cheaper parking at the airport? Springfield

01:02:18.949 --> 01:02:21.789
Branson International in particular. Tony in

01:02:21.789 --> 01:02:34.929
Republic, Missouri. I have something. Uber? No,

01:02:34.949 --> 01:02:38.650
that's a good one. Uber. Yeah. Uber. Or if you

01:02:38.650 --> 01:02:41.550
have to drive there, there's this thing called

01:02:41.550 --> 01:02:44.789
Global Airport Parking. You can look it up. It's

01:02:44.789 --> 01:02:46.969
for every airport in America, Global Airport

01:02:46.969 --> 01:02:48.989
Parking. Just figure out what the key to that

01:02:48.989 --> 01:02:51.760
airport is. It'll have like three letters. That

01:02:51.760 --> 01:02:53.500
will be the key to that airport. You put it in

01:02:53.500 --> 01:02:56.699
globalairportparking .com, and it will tell you

01:02:56.699 --> 01:02:59.699
a hotel that you can park and take a transit

01:02:59.699 --> 01:03:05.460
bus to the airport, and it's like $2 a day. Oh,

01:03:05.460 --> 01:03:08.139
cool. I've done that. I've done that hotel thing.

01:03:08.219 --> 01:03:10.659
That worked out great. Yeah. It was a hotel real

01:03:10.659 --> 01:03:13.019
close to the airport. Just drove up there, parked

01:03:13.019 --> 01:03:16.179
in it. They shuttled us up to the terminal, and

01:03:16.179 --> 01:03:18.920
when we got back, we waited maybe 20 minutes.

01:03:19.179 --> 01:03:21.119
the time we picked up our luggage to the time

01:03:21.119 --> 01:03:25.599
we were in our own car yep and it was cheap yeah

01:03:25.599 --> 01:03:28.260
it's cheap and also you don't wait because everybody's

01:03:28.260 --> 01:03:30.260
waiting to get on those other trams that go to

01:03:30.260 --> 01:03:32.380
the same place whether it's satellite parking

01:03:32.380 --> 01:03:35.679
or whatever everybody goes on theirs you come

01:03:35.679 --> 01:03:37.840
by with the i don't know the days in or the hilton

01:03:37.840 --> 01:03:40.099
or whatever whoever's doing that it's usually

01:03:40.099 --> 01:03:42.199
you and maybe one other person you're on and

01:03:42.199 --> 01:03:45.139
you're out of there in like five minutes yeah

01:03:45.139 --> 01:03:53.199
cool Yeah, me too. So, all right. Rob, you got

01:03:53.199 --> 01:04:48.170
something? 7 -Elevens are the same. You know

01:04:48.170 --> 01:04:50.469
the maintenance men loved that overtime right

01:04:50.469 --> 01:04:54.070
before. Oh, gosh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They

01:04:54.070 --> 01:04:58.389
had to be there like right then. Yeah. That'd

01:04:58.389 --> 01:05:00.969
be nice for that overtime. Actually, take that

01:05:00.969 --> 01:05:04.769
back. 7 -Elevens do have locks in case they get

01:05:04.769 --> 01:05:51.380
robbed. That's true. Good point. Smart. The studio

01:05:51.380 --> 01:05:58.039
laughed and took the deal. The movie made $216

01:05:58.039 --> 01:06:03.099
million. Arnold walked away with $35 million.

01:06:03.420 --> 01:06:06.820
More than any Terminator film ever paid him.

01:06:07.039 --> 01:06:10.239
He called it the best financial decision I ever

01:06:10.239 --> 01:06:14.380
made. Wow. That's so awesome. That is funny.

01:06:14.579 --> 01:06:18.440
Oh my gosh. all the time about how stars declined

01:06:18.440 --> 01:06:23.880
like Forrest Gump I guess Tom Hanks said no I'm

01:06:23.880 --> 01:06:25.599
just going to take a percentage and that was

01:06:25.599 --> 01:06:31.179
definitely the right move yeah wow that is brilliant

01:06:31.179 --> 01:07:35.500
though doing that alright Topher No! Okay, that's

01:07:35.500 --> 01:08:02.420
cool. the kind of people you think would be flocking

01:08:02.420 --> 01:08:06.579
to a social media site. Absolutely not. No, no.

01:08:06.699 --> 01:08:10.199
In 2007, people 50 and older didn't care, and

01:08:10.199 --> 01:08:12.159
there weren't enough of them to actually support

01:08:12.159 --> 01:08:14.900
the site and make it actually do anything. So

01:08:14.900 --> 01:08:18.920
it rose and then sank pretty much right away.

01:08:19.100 --> 01:08:23.880
Well, Fakebook grabbed the boomers. Nothing else

01:08:23.880 --> 01:08:26.319
would. No MySpace. None of the other things did.

01:08:26.460 --> 01:08:28.380
Fakebook is the one that grabbed the boomers,

01:08:28.399 --> 01:08:32.319
and that was pretty much it. I mean, yeah, and

01:08:32.319 --> 01:08:35.119
that was around, but not in the same that it

01:08:35.119 --> 01:08:39.279
is now, you know. Yeah. Yeah, and this was designed

01:08:39.279 --> 01:08:41.920
to compete with Facebook, but grab the older

01:08:41.920 --> 01:08:43.819
market. Yeah, they're not. But they didn't realize

01:08:43.819 --> 01:08:46.079
the older market just didn't really care about

01:08:46.079 --> 01:08:48.779
buying a computer and getting on a social media

01:08:48.779 --> 01:08:52.960
site. No. No, that's true. And I'll tell you

01:08:52.960 --> 01:08:55.119
what really helped Facebook out a lot is this

01:08:55.119 --> 01:08:57.420
right here, when they quit making flip phones.

01:08:57.979 --> 01:09:01.079
and they literally had to go to smartphones?

01:09:02.520 --> 01:09:05.659
Mm -hmm. Or at least they don't make them very

01:09:05.659 --> 01:09:08.199
common flip phones anymore, and a lot of services

01:09:08.199 --> 01:09:14.180
won't connect to them. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, you know

01:09:14.180 --> 01:09:16.939
what? I think I remember a little bit about that,

01:09:17.000 --> 01:09:20.899
but that's about it. Anyhow, go ahead. This next

01:09:20.899 --> 01:09:36.989
one I remember quite well. in the mail and Netflix

01:09:36.989 --> 01:09:39.930
was the online streaming. But they did it completely

01:09:39.930 --> 01:09:42.890
wrong. They turned Quickster into a completely

01:09:42.890 --> 01:09:47.270
separate subsidiary business that ran all on

01:09:47.270 --> 01:09:52.390
its own. So when you wanted to do online streaming,

01:09:52.510 --> 01:09:54.630
you'd log in with your Netflix account. If you

01:09:54.630 --> 01:09:56.710
wanted to get DVDs in the mail, oh, you have

01:09:56.710 --> 01:09:59.310
to make a new account with Quickster and register

01:09:59.310 --> 01:10:11.750
your credit cards and make new... making the

01:10:11.750 --> 01:10:16.470
customer have to do more. And it's like an example

01:10:16.470 --> 01:10:19.369
of business trying to put the extra work and

01:10:19.369 --> 01:10:23.649
effort and risk onto the customer. And after

01:10:23.649 --> 01:10:26.689
about three months, everyone said, screw this,

01:10:26.729 --> 01:10:28.930
I'll just go to Blockbuster. Yeah, and they did.

01:10:29.109 --> 01:10:32.449
Yeah, and Netflix said, whoops, sorry, we're

01:10:32.449 --> 01:10:36.689
merging it all back together again. That's funny.

01:10:36.810 --> 01:10:39.130
I was saying that the other day, too. I was thinking,

01:10:39.189 --> 01:10:51.029
wow, boy, that didn't last long. Oh, that's right.

01:10:51.170 --> 01:10:54.270
One of you mentioned Redbox, but we knew that

01:10:54.270 --> 01:10:57.449
wasn't right. Yeah. It was Quickster. Okay. Quickster.

01:10:57.489 --> 01:11:00.189
Yep. I remember I was delivering mail at the

01:11:00.189 --> 01:11:02.350
time, and I remember the envelopes going from

01:11:02.350 --> 01:11:04.770
Netflix to Quickster. And we're like, what the

01:11:04.770 --> 01:11:07.729
hell is Quickster? And the boss said, oh, that's

01:11:07.729 --> 01:11:09.529
still Netflix. It's just a different business

01:11:09.529 --> 01:11:13.850
name. And pretty soon it was back to Netflix

01:11:13.850 --> 01:11:41.250
on the envelope. Yep. Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. Yep.

01:11:48.369 --> 01:11:51.880
And now the value isn't there. They lowered the

01:11:51.880 --> 01:11:53.859
price so much to where people have bought the

01:11:53.859 --> 01:11:56.000
$100 ,000 version of it is only going to get

01:11:56.000 --> 01:12:00.180
maybe $25 ,000 out of it in a trade -in. And

01:12:00.180 --> 01:12:02.920
they can't even refinance their loans because

01:12:02.920 --> 01:12:04.899
the value of the truck has gone down so low.

01:12:05.000 --> 01:12:09.000
Oh, man. I can't say I feel too sorry. And you

01:12:09.000 --> 01:12:13.500
know there's no resale. Nobody wants them. So,

01:12:13.500 --> 01:12:17.520
yeah, I think Tesla as a brand will survive this,

01:12:17.720 --> 01:12:24.880
but I think once the Cybertruck I think so, too.

01:12:26.680 --> 01:12:29.500
Yeah. It'll be like the DeLorean. If you see

01:12:29.500 --> 01:12:32.520
a DeLorean, you go, oh, funny, cool, it's a DeLorean.

01:12:32.619 --> 01:12:34.760
But you know it's a piece of shit car. It always

01:12:34.760 --> 01:12:37.340
was. I think Cybertruck's going to probably be

01:12:37.340 --> 01:12:39.520
the same thing. In five, ten years, everyone's

01:12:39.520 --> 01:12:42.300
going to go, oh, isn't that quaint, a Cybertruck?

01:12:42.420 --> 01:12:44.380
You're right. It's going to be like a DeLorean.

01:12:44.520 --> 01:12:46.060
You're right. You don't want to own one, but

01:12:46.060 --> 01:12:52.359
you'll definitely look at one. Yep. Yeah. All

01:12:52.359 --> 01:12:54.069
right. Next up on the list of what... The hell

01:12:54.069 --> 01:12:58.810
were they thinking? The Amazon Fire Phone. Do

01:12:58.810 --> 01:13:01.689
you remember that one? Yeah, vaguely. Go ahead,

01:13:01.829 --> 01:13:06.329
refresh. Well, the problems were twofold. One,

01:13:06.489 --> 01:13:09.149
it was not compatible with most apps because

01:13:09.149 --> 01:13:13.029
they were being written for Android and Apple.

01:13:14.350 --> 01:13:17.050
And the second problem was they had a very confusing

01:13:17.050 --> 01:13:19.770
ad campaign which convinced people that it was

01:13:19.770 --> 01:13:23.250
a kid's phone because they had a little boy...

01:13:25.039 --> 01:13:27.939
adult clothes, and acting and talking as if they

01:13:27.939 --> 01:13:30.500
were making business deals and buying real estate

01:13:30.500 --> 01:13:33.319
and impressing the adults around them with their

01:13:33.319 --> 01:13:36.420
phone that could do all these things. But the

01:13:36.420 --> 01:13:38.619
commercial for all the world made it look like

01:13:38.619 --> 01:13:40.939
it was a kid's phone, so adults didn't bother

01:13:40.939 --> 01:13:44.239
with them. And overall, it was basically a way

01:13:44.239 --> 01:13:48.199
to force people onto Prime Video. That's why

01:13:48.199 --> 01:13:50.520
it was not compatible with most apps. They wanted

01:13:50.520 --> 01:13:53.140
to force you into getting Amazon Prime Video

01:13:53.140 --> 01:14:01.460
instead of... The whole thing was a flop. Do

01:14:01.460 --> 01:14:05.739
you remember Bic underwear? You've heard of Bic

01:14:05.739 --> 01:14:08.699
pens and Bic lighters. This is Bic underwear.

01:14:09.319 --> 01:14:14.640
No, I don't. Get this. Disposable panties and

01:14:14.640 --> 01:14:17.220
pantyhose. Wear them once and throw them away.

01:14:17.479 --> 01:14:19.340
Just like a Bic lighter. You use them and then

01:14:19.340 --> 01:14:27.560
toss them. Wow. It's like, Think of underwear

01:14:27.560 --> 01:14:33.840
from Bic, and then why disposable? Oh, wow. Hookers.

01:14:34.579 --> 01:14:39.239
Yeah. Oh, there you go. Yeah, hookers. Barfly.

01:14:40.220 --> 01:14:44.100
Barfly. Barfly, yep. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just tear

01:14:44.100 --> 01:14:46.199
a hole in them, do your business, and then, you

01:14:46.199 --> 01:14:53.060
know. Here was one that was kind of fun, the

01:14:53.060 --> 01:15:04.340
Apple III computer. This was back a while. and

01:15:04.340 --> 01:15:06.319
the chips came loose from the motherboard, and

01:15:06.319 --> 01:15:11.239
performance was very iffy and inconsistent. It

01:15:11.239 --> 01:15:14.579
was marketed as a business -only computer, not

01:15:14.579 --> 01:15:18.020
for home use or anything else, but it came with

01:15:18.020 --> 01:15:20.680
very little software. Apple just wrote some basic

01:15:20.680 --> 01:15:23.819
programs for it, and then Steve Jobs relied on

01:15:23.819 --> 01:15:28.500
other software developers to go in on his plan

01:15:28.500 --> 01:15:30.819
and his idea and just start writing programs

01:15:30.819 --> 01:15:34.340
for the Apple III or converting them. work on

01:15:34.340 --> 01:15:37.720
the Apple III. And they all said, eh, now we're

01:15:37.720 --> 01:15:41.399
not interested. So the computer was fairly expensive,

01:15:41.539 --> 01:15:44.640
but fairly quickly it was basically useless.

01:15:45.039 --> 01:15:48.699
Couldn't do anything with it. And that almost

01:15:48.699 --> 01:15:52.460
bankrupted Apple. Wow. They were almost on the

01:15:52.460 --> 01:15:54.979
way out with that one, but Steve was able to

01:15:54.979 --> 01:15:58.020
turn it around and keep it going. So if that

01:15:58.020 --> 01:16:01.340
had gone just a little bit the other way, we

01:16:01.340 --> 01:16:03.199
wouldn't even have been thinking about Apple.

01:16:03.260 --> 01:16:09.229
We'd say, Well, yeah. You know what? Steve Jobs

01:16:09.229 --> 01:16:12.590
also made another bad miscalculation about his

01:16:12.590 --> 01:16:18.130
health. Yeah, he made a lot of good decisions,

01:16:18.210 --> 01:16:20.210
but he made some bad ones that really messed

01:16:20.210 --> 01:16:39.920
everything up, too. I mean, absolutely see -through.

01:16:39.939 --> 01:16:43.239
And here's the best part. Lululemon knew it and

01:16:43.239 --> 01:16:46.000
didn't care. And when people complained, they

01:16:46.000 --> 01:16:49.039
said, yeah, so? That's why people go to the gym

01:16:49.039 --> 01:16:53.500
to work out, to be seen. So who cares? Sure.

01:16:54.359 --> 01:16:57.340
But pretty soon it became a real big deal, and

01:16:57.340 --> 01:17:01.699
the courts made Lululemon give everyone a refund

01:17:01.699 --> 01:17:04.760
who wanted a refund. Shoot. They're still in

01:17:04.760 --> 01:17:10.720
business, too. More bad choices. Yes, they are.

01:17:11.079 --> 01:17:13.739
They've invested in some real strange stuff.

01:17:14.159 --> 01:17:19.180
Boy. Do you remember Harley Davidson cologne?

01:17:20.579 --> 01:17:23.119
Vaguely, yes. Boy, that was a long time ago.

01:17:23.439 --> 01:17:29.680
Yeah. Here was the problem. Who were they marketing

01:17:29.680 --> 01:17:33.140
to? Your basic Harley rider didn't really give

01:17:33.140 --> 01:17:35.899
a damn about smelling good. He smelled like he

01:17:35.899 --> 01:17:40.380
smelled. He didn't care. would probably buy this

01:17:40.380 --> 01:17:43.239
and wear it, didn't have Harleys, so they'd be

01:17:43.239 --> 01:17:46.140
complete posers. And back then, it meant something

01:17:46.140 --> 01:17:49.340
to actually own a Harley. Okay, here's something

01:17:49.340 --> 01:17:51.960
I got real quick, Topher. Okay, nowadays that

01:17:51.960 --> 01:17:53.960
would work because bankers are the only ones

01:17:53.960 --> 01:17:57.140
that can afford a Harley. This is true. But anyhow,

01:17:57.220 --> 01:18:12.260
go ahead. It was ahead of its time. Yes. Harley

01:18:12.260 --> 01:18:14.520
-Davidson name on it that was supposed to make

01:18:14.520 --> 01:18:18.319
it sell. And the people who liked Harley, you

01:18:18.319 --> 01:18:20.300
know, they wouldn't buy a Harley -Davidson food

01:18:20.300 --> 01:18:22.600
processor. They're not going to buy Harley -Davidson

01:18:22.600 --> 01:18:26.279
perfume and cologne. It's just, yeah, they didn't

01:18:26.279 --> 01:18:28.920
read their market very well. Yeah, no, they didn't.

01:18:52.270 --> 01:18:57.609
There was a Microsoft Kin phone, K -I -N, and

01:18:57.609 --> 01:18:59.670
it was small. It kind of fit in the palm of your

01:18:59.670 --> 01:19:03.329
hand. It had a small, roundish screen. It was

01:19:03.329 --> 01:19:06.329
aimed at the youth market, so Bill Gates was

01:19:06.329 --> 01:19:08.789
going after the youth market, but it did not

01:19:08.789 --> 01:19:37.300
support any apps. He was into children back then,

01:19:37.340 --> 01:19:43.859
too. Yes, he was. Okay. Thankfully, that flopped.

01:19:43.859 --> 01:19:47.239
I mean, the youth market was way smarter than

01:19:47.239 --> 01:19:49.180
he thought, and they looked at it and said, yeah,

01:19:49.300 --> 01:19:56.680
useless. Like they did on the island. Allegedly.

01:19:57.140 --> 01:20:00.359
Allegedly, yeah. All right. Topher, that was

01:20:00.359 --> 01:20:05.479
really good. Thank you. You said that was the

01:20:05.479 --> 01:20:09.220
last one, right? Yeah. Okay, okay. Do you have

01:20:09.220 --> 01:20:10.460
more for later? There was actually a list of

01:20:10.460 --> 01:20:13.279
about, there was a list of about 50. Oh, okay.

01:20:13.399 --> 01:20:15.899
So I was just picking and choosing through there.

01:20:15.979 --> 01:20:19.079
I had just like about three more. Okay. I'll

01:20:19.079 --> 01:20:21.239
try to flesh out the list later. We'll do another

01:20:21.239 --> 01:20:23.880
version of Weird Products. Okay, that'd be cool.

01:20:24.119 --> 01:20:26.720
Sounds good. Sounds good. All right. Let's take

01:20:26.720 --> 01:20:28.479
our second break and then come back. I've got

01:20:28.479 --> 01:20:31.460
a story about sketches about President Trump

01:20:31.460 --> 01:20:37.699
being a time traveler. Yeah, this is very intriguing.

01:20:37.819 --> 01:20:43.140
So anyhow, we'll be right back with it. Hey,

01:20:43.140 --> 01:20:46.020
my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash Riptide,

01:20:46.220 --> 01:20:51.960
your music news. Sharon Osbourne recently discussed

01:20:51.960 --> 01:20:54.619
the constant battle it was to keep Ozzy sober.

01:20:54.880 --> 01:20:57.819
One time in Dallas, Sharon was sick of Ozzy's

01:20:57.819 --> 01:20:59.859
binge drinking and locked him in his hotel room

01:20:59.859 --> 01:21:02.600
naked and took all his clothes so he couldn't

01:21:02.600 --> 01:21:05.829
get alcohol from the lobby. Sharon also put a

01:21:05.829 --> 01:21:09.010
block on room service. Sharon returned and sure

01:21:09.010 --> 01:21:11.210
enough, Ozzy was smashed and had liquor to boot.

01:21:11.369 --> 01:21:13.930
This happened several times until Sharon finally

01:21:13.930 --> 01:21:16.829
asked Ozzy how he was able to get drinks naked

01:21:16.829 --> 01:21:20.449
without clothes to put on. Ozzy said, you didn't

01:21:20.449 --> 01:21:22.930
take your clothes away from our room, so I dressed

01:21:22.930 --> 01:21:28.109
in drag and I got my drink downstairs. Pretty

01:21:28.109 --> 01:21:32.470
genius. Good job, Ozzy. This is Gash Rooktine.

01:21:32.840 --> 01:21:35.939
And that was your music news. If it's too loud,

01:21:36.039 --> 01:21:38.420
you'd probably have ear damage, just like me.

01:21:45.119 --> 01:21:48.159
Since the dawn of time, weird shit has happened.

01:21:48.239 --> 01:21:51.619
Strange occurrences, unexplained phobias, and

01:21:51.619 --> 01:21:54.279
other odd happenings. Over the next minute, we

01:21:54.279 --> 01:21:56.920
would like to bring you odd, rare phobias and

01:21:56.920 --> 01:22:00.479
conditions. Harlequin ichthyosis is a genetic

01:22:00.479 --> 01:22:02.539
disorder that babies are born with a thickened

01:22:02.539 --> 01:22:05.539
skin nearly over its entire body. The skin forms

01:22:05.539 --> 01:22:08.300
a large diamond trapezoid rectangle shaped plates

01:22:08.300 --> 01:22:10.960
that are separated by deep cracks. These affect

01:22:10.960 --> 01:22:14.140
the shape of the eyelids, nose, ears, mouth and

01:22:14.140 --> 01:22:16.399
limit the movement of the arms and legs. There

01:22:16.399 --> 01:22:19.119
are treatment options finally. The survival rate

01:22:19.119 --> 01:22:22.479
is much higher. This is your douchebag gangbang

01:22:22.479 --> 01:22:25.520
question of the week. Do you tip to go orders?

01:22:26.600 --> 01:22:29.680
Email us your answers at 2douches at mail .com.

01:22:29.819 --> 01:22:33.779
Spell out the number 2. Don't be a dummy. Hey

01:22:33.779 --> 01:22:37.159
there. We all have those annoying co -workers

01:22:37.159 --> 01:22:40.680
that do nothing. There's nothing we can do about

01:22:40.680 --> 01:22:43.039
it because HR departments are running scared

01:22:43.039 --> 01:22:46.159
of lawyers. So we have to work with these workless

01:22:46.159 --> 01:22:49.239
pieces of garbage. But we have to communicate

01:22:49.239 --> 01:22:52.380
about them without them knowing about it. Here

01:22:52.380 --> 01:22:54.460
at Two Douchebags Microphone, we developed a

01:22:54.460 --> 01:22:56.319
way that you can speak about them right in front

01:22:56.319 --> 01:22:59.220
of them without them knowing about it. Stay tuned.

01:22:59.920 --> 01:23:03.239
First code name, Absolute Zero. They contribute

01:23:03.239 --> 01:23:06.180
nothing and effectively stop all molecular motion

01:23:06.180 --> 01:23:09.899
in the project. Dark matter. You know they're

01:23:09.899 --> 01:23:12.539
there. They take up space, but they provide no

01:23:12.539 --> 01:23:14.840
light and cannot be observed during actual work.

01:23:16.039 --> 01:23:20.079
Static. High noise. Zero signal. Stays in one

01:23:20.079 --> 01:23:24.109
place. Event Horizon. Once a task enters their

01:23:24.109 --> 01:23:27.909
orbit, it is never seen again. How about Buffer?

01:23:27.949 --> 01:23:31.510
They take 20 minutes to process a 5 second request.

01:23:32.430 --> 01:23:35.689
The Screensaver. Looks like they're working,

01:23:35.829 --> 01:23:38.090
but as soon as you touch them, they disappear.

01:23:39.310 --> 01:23:42.029
Cloud Mode. Just floating around, vague, and

01:23:42.029 --> 01:23:44.750
nobody knows what they actually do. And finally,

01:23:44.890 --> 01:23:49.430
404. Task not found. Stay tuned for more of these

01:23:49.430 --> 01:23:54.149
gems. Once again, it's time for Ramblings of

01:23:54.149 --> 01:24:02.689
a Madman. I believe Congress needs to synchronize

01:24:02.689 --> 01:24:07.170
tap dance for 20 minutes before each session.

01:24:08.569 --> 01:24:13.050
That needs to happen. So you want proof that

01:24:13.050 --> 01:24:15.210
we love you here at QD Spades and Microphone

01:24:15.210 --> 01:24:18.250
Central? Here's a proof right here about the

01:24:18.250 --> 01:24:22.279
drink of the week. Pistachio Martini seems in

01:24:22.279 --> 01:24:25.939
order. Start off with two ounces vanilla vodka.

01:24:26.539 --> 01:24:30.000
One ounce pistachio liqueur. One ounce heavy

01:24:30.000 --> 01:24:34.420
cream. One half ounce simple syrup. One ounce

01:24:34.420 --> 01:24:36.960
of heavy cream chill martini glass in freezer

01:24:36.960 --> 01:24:40.199
for ten minutes. Dip the chilled glass rim in

01:24:40.199 --> 01:24:42.439
the simple syrup, then rub the rim in crushed

01:24:42.439 --> 01:24:45.840
pistachios. Fill a cocktail shaker with the vodka,

01:24:46.060 --> 01:24:49.020
liqueur, heavy cream, and simple syrup in the

01:24:49.020 --> 01:24:52.539
shaker. Shake vigorously, then strain the contents

01:24:52.539 --> 01:24:56.039
into the glass. You may garnish the rim of the

01:24:56.039 --> 01:24:59.279
martini glass with a sliced lemon and an olive,

01:24:59.439 --> 01:25:05.699
possibly. Drink up, bitches. And now, Deep Thoughts

01:25:05.699 --> 01:25:12.180
with Mark. Does the dictionary actually have

01:25:12.180 --> 01:25:17.960
the word dictionary in it? Hmm. Maybe I'll go

01:25:17.960 --> 01:25:33.979
look. Welcome back to the Douchebag Gangbang.

01:25:34.060 --> 01:25:37.039
I am the Mark portion of this at the Talk is

01:25:37.039 --> 01:25:39.859
Cheap studio in the extreme southern tip of the

01:25:39.859 --> 01:25:42.619
Kansas City Metroplex and surrounding areas.

01:26:07.180 --> 01:26:09.579
Paisley Possum Studios, just south of historic

01:26:09.579 --> 01:26:12.880
Walden, Missouri. The coffee is brewing and available

01:26:12.880 --> 01:26:16.000
24 hours a day. The space heater is on. And the

01:26:16.000 --> 01:26:18.859
song I'm currently learning on guitar is Feel

01:26:18.859 --> 01:26:21.340
Like a Number by Bob Seger. It's actually kind

01:26:21.340 --> 01:26:24.779
of easy. Life is good in Kansas City. Very cool.

01:26:24.979 --> 01:26:26.699
Wow, you're going back to guitar, huh? Cool.

01:26:27.800 --> 01:26:30.260
Yeah, I'm actually playing both now. I played

01:26:30.260 --> 01:26:32.899
my drums this afternoon for about an hour, which

01:26:32.899 --> 01:26:35.760
felt awesome. And then I went out and sat on...

01:26:38.670 --> 01:26:41.270
Very cool. Right on. Beautiful day for that.

01:26:41.270 --> 01:26:45.289
It nourishes my soul, man. It's what I need every

01:26:45.289 --> 01:26:49.909
day. Yeah. Yep. I get that. I get that. So, all

01:26:49.909 --> 01:27:07.409
right. Oh, go ahead. I'm starting to do some

01:27:07.409 --> 01:27:10.869
Voltron, I think is what it's called, on my fingers.

01:27:10.909 --> 01:27:12.949
So maybe I can start getting them limber enough

01:27:12.949 --> 01:27:15.829
to play. Because the problem I've had is the

01:27:15.829 --> 01:27:20.170
pain that I go through whenever I have to switch

01:27:20.170 --> 01:27:23.130
chords up and down on the fretboard. My fingers

01:27:23.130 --> 01:27:27.449
lock up, and it's just unreal. It might be what

01:27:27.449 --> 01:27:30.850
Iomi and Eddie Van Halen had. I don't know. But

01:27:30.850 --> 01:27:34.369
it sucks. But I'm putting Volturan on my fingers,

01:27:34.449 --> 01:27:36.229
and they seem to be a little bit more limber.

01:27:36.289 --> 01:27:38.529
So, yeah, I don't know. Maybe I could play some

01:27:38.529 --> 01:27:40.909
power chords, you know, or something. I don't

01:27:40.909 --> 01:27:44.710
know. Yeah, that's what I'd recommend is try

01:27:44.710 --> 01:27:47.649
pressing down only as hard as you absolutely

01:27:47.649 --> 01:27:50.590
have to. Yeah. And that will save some... Because

01:27:50.590 --> 01:27:52.390
I still do that. If I'm playing, you know, a

01:27:52.390 --> 01:27:54.529
nice hard rock riff, I tend to grab the neck

01:27:54.529 --> 01:27:57.430
like it's, you know, my best. Yes, that's my

01:27:57.430 --> 01:28:00.289
problem. That's my problem. If you can train

01:28:00.289 --> 01:28:02.689
yourself... only grip it as hard as you need

01:28:02.689 --> 01:28:05.689
to the the notes will be in tune more and the

01:28:05.689 --> 01:28:07.930
strength of your hand will last a whole lot longer

01:28:07.930 --> 01:28:12.550
i got to work on that so okay all right thank

01:28:12.550 --> 01:28:14.890
you and then as soon as you get as soon as you

01:28:14.890 --> 01:28:17.390
get tired stop so don't don't get to the point

01:28:17.390 --> 01:28:19.229
where you hurt that's the other that's the other

01:28:19.229 --> 01:28:21.449
problem too if you get on a roll you know how

01:28:21.449 --> 01:28:24.630
hard it is to put it down yes you find some cool

01:28:24.630 --> 01:28:26.630
rhythm and you're like wow i could use that in

01:28:26.630 --> 01:28:31.539
something Yeah, yeah, everybody that plays, yeah.

01:28:32.640 --> 01:28:34.659
You're like, damn it, why am I not recording

01:28:34.659 --> 01:28:38.199
this? Yes, do a Jimi Hendrix where, like, you

01:28:38.199 --> 01:28:39.880
play all this shit that you don't remember, but

01:28:39.880 --> 01:28:42.460
he was on acid, so, you know, I mean, but. Yeah.

01:28:43.539 --> 01:28:46.359
Anyhow, all right, I've got this unique story

01:28:46.359 --> 01:28:48.800
here that I found, and I looked it up in several

01:28:48.800 --> 01:28:51.960
places, and as far as I know, it's true. So here

01:28:51.960 --> 01:28:55.039
we go. There are century -old sketches that lend

01:28:55.039 --> 01:28:59.079
to President Trump being a time traveler. And

01:28:59.079 --> 01:29:01.560
what I mean by true is, it doesn't mean that

01:29:01.560 --> 01:29:03.159
it's true, but it means that there's something

01:29:03.159 --> 01:29:07.340
very similar that happened. Okay, so, a discovered

01:29:07.340 --> 01:29:11.119
trove of 100 -year -old sketches by Prussian

01:29:11.119 --> 01:29:15.000
-born artist Charles Delchaux could hold clues

01:29:15.000 --> 01:29:17.300
that the president and his youngest son, Barron,

01:29:17.399 --> 01:29:20.000
could be hopping through the decades, observers

01:29:20.000 --> 01:29:24.000
suggest. Delchaux, who died in 1923, was obsessed

01:29:24.000 --> 01:29:27.199
with arrows, bizarre flying machines that looked

01:29:27.439 --> 01:29:30.279
Part balloon, part airplane, part steampunk fantasy.

01:29:30.600 --> 01:29:33.380
So imagine that, if you will, right? So part

01:29:33.380 --> 01:29:36.920
airplane, part steampunk, and part balloon. Be

01:29:36.920 --> 01:29:40.979
a wild -looking thing, right? Yeah. Conspiracy

01:29:40.979 --> 01:29:43.819
buffs are zooming in on the word Trump, scrawled

01:29:43.819 --> 01:29:46.640
across some of the drawings. Add to that a blonde

01:29:46.640 --> 01:29:49.300
-doodled person steering a craft labeled 45,

01:29:49.819 --> 01:29:53.159
in which he is the 45th president at first. Now

01:29:53.159 --> 01:29:56.600
he's the 47th. Then there are the books. Fans

01:29:56.600 --> 01:29:58.920
of the theory say the uncanny similarities to

01:29:58.920 --> 01:30:01.920
Barron Trump are too strange to ignore. In the

01:30:01.920 --> 01:30:04.319
last president, Locke would imagine a chaotic

01:30:04.319 --> 01:30:08.199
New York vote and Fifth Avenue riots. Yes, really,

01:30:08.380 --> 01:30:10.699
is what they're saying here. In the author's

01:30:10.699 --> 01:30:13.979
table, President Bryan picks a pence for his

01:30:13.979 --> 01:30:17.420
cabinet, just like Trump's former VP when he

01:30:17.420 --> 01:30:21.880
was the 45th president. Even the family's own

01:30:21.880 --> 01:30:24.760
words have become ammunition for theorists. The

01:30:24.760 --> 01:30:26.640
commander -in -chief has reportedly said, I know

01:30:26.640 --> 01:30:29.119
things that other people don't know spark an

01:30:29.119 --> 01:30:32.399
endless debate online. That's it. I'm writing

01:30:32.399 --> 01:30:34.680
the president right now. I want my teleportation

01:30:34.680 --> 01:30:36.859
machine that we've been promised. What about

01:30:36.859 --> 01:30:42.460
you guys? Yeah, definitely. Oh, man, teleportation

01:30:42.460 --> 01:30:45.739
would be so awesome. Oh, gosh, yeah. I want to

01:30:45.739 --> 01:30:49.960
see what kind of shit show we're in for. That

01:30:49.960 --> 01:30:55.750
way I can prepare. Yeah, and also, I want a cure

01:30:55.750 --> 01:30:59.350
for jock itch and chafing, too, right? Oh, definitely.

01:30:59.609 --> 01:31:02.949
Oh, definitely. Yeah, I mean, look, I want the

01:31:02.949 --> 01:31:04.829
teleportation and all that, but with that, it's

01:31:04.829 --> 01:31:07.649
got to be, you know, cure for chafing and jock

01:31:07.649 --> 01:31:10.550
itch, too. These are plagues that have been cursing

01:31:10.550 --> 01:31:12.909
man for years, so they need to get it eradicated,

01:31:12.970 --> 01:31:16.670
just like polio, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it

01:31:16.670 --> 01:31:19.750
needs to go away. Yeah, and keep rectal spasm.

01:31:20.460 --> 01:31:25.659
Yes, and that too. I think we can all agree with

01:31:25.659 --> 01:31:28.720
that one, right? Yeah, definitely, definitely.

01:31:29.359 --> 01:31:34.380
Rectum spasms, not good. All right, that was

01:31:34.380 --> 01:31:36.739
the end of that story. It had more, but it really

01:31:36.739 --> 01:31:38.600
kind of got boring. So you guys got what I'm

01:31:38.600 --> 01:31:40.520
saying here. People say he's a time traveler.

01:31:42.060 --> 01:31:46.680
There's indication that suggests that, you know,

01:31:46.779 --> 01:31:53.180
anything's possible, right? Yeah, I mean, we

01:31:53.180 --> 01:31:55.199
can't think enough to imagine what could happen,

01:31:55.239 --> 01:31:58.840
and that's quite a bit of what happens is we

01:31:58.840 --> 01:32:00.880
can't even think about it, so therefore it isn't

01:32:00.880 --> 01:32:05.159
there, right? Yeah. Yeah, so. Yeah, true. All

01:32:05.159 --> 01:32:10.800
right. You guys want to keep going, or? Yeah,

01:32:10.800 --> 01:32:12.979
actually, I got one more. Oh, go ahead, guys.

01:32:13.140 --> 01:32:22.329
Go ahead. So do I. to tie the knot at the LaPorte

01:32:22.329 --> 01:32:25.989
County Courthouse in Indiana on Tuesday when

01:32:25.989 --> 01:32:28.869
two officers burst in and busted him just before

01:32:28.869 --> 01:34:22.229
the ceremony started. As a matter of fact, he

01:34:22.229 --> 01:34:27.090
only did two years and then gets out on $755

01:34:27.090 --> 01:34:32.810
bail. Wow. Wow. Now, there's going to be a little

01:34:32.810 --> 01:34:37.829
solo cast coming up about my judge adopt a criminal

01:34:37.829 --> 01:34:41.050
program, okay? And basically it's like this.

01:34:41.069 --> 01:34:43.449
If you let a criminal out and you're convinced

01:34:43.449 --> 01:34:46.609
they're rehabbed so much, You take them in, and

01:34:46.609 --> 01:34:49.090
you let them live in your place, and you watch

01:34:49.090 --> 01:34:52.550
for them, and you take the brunt if they do something

01:34:52.550 --> 01:34:58.090
wrong. I like it. I like that too. But I will

01:34:58.090 --> 01:35:00.930
get into that on the little solo cast. It's not

01:35:00.930 --> 01:35:03.250
quite an I call bullshit, but it's something

01:35:03.250 --> 01:35:05.250
like that. It's going to be a little 10 -minute

01:35:05.250 --> 01:35:09.409
segment that I'm working on. And I haven't taken

01:35:09.409 --> 01:35:11.289
any NyQuil in a little while, so maybe I'll do

01:35:11.289 --> 01:35:16.880
that later. We'll see. So, anyhow, was that it,

01:35:16.939 --> 01:35:20.279
Rob? Yeah, that was it on that. Okay, Topher.

01:35:54.090 --> 01:36:01.130
cybernetic implants for soldiers. Scary. I imagine

01:36:01.130 --> 01:36:04.430
they put the media silence down on that one pretty

01:36:04.430 --> 01:36:10.189
quick. Oh, I'm pretty sure. A magazine Jalopnik

01:36:10.189 --> 01:36:12.989
article notices there was a string of spontaneous

01:36:12.989 --> 01:36:16.229
combustions of postal vehicles throughout the

01:36:16.229 --> 01:36:21.750
2010s. I believe it. I remember that. I remember

01:36:21.750 --> 01:36:24.170
that. I was working during that. That time, and

01:36:24.170 --> 01:36:26.609
I remember across the country, it's just vehicles

01:36:26.609 --> 01:36:29.010
started burning up and nobody could tell why.

01:36:29.329 --> 01:36:31.289
You know, it seems to me like I remember that

01:36:31.289 --> 01:36:34.890
story too, but it went away really quick. Yeah,

01:36:34.909 --> 01:36:38.789
yeah. And from most of the photos I saw, the

01:36:38.789 --> 01:36:41.569
fire started in the engine compartment. Yeah,

01:36:41.590 --> 01:36:44.149
I think you're right. So there was something

01:36:44.149 --> 01:36:47.229
wrong with the vehicle. And this was the LLVs,

01:36:47.229 --> 01:36:59.079
right? The Long Life? Yeah. a body on top of

01:36:59.079 --> 01:37:03.239
it and did some other things to screw it up and

01:37:03.239 --> 01:37:06.020
make it a piece of crap. Yeah, and those are

01:37:06.020 --> 01:37:08.159
the postal vehicles you're used to seeing out

01:37:08.159 --> 01:37:11.880
on the road, the regular ones. Yeah, yeah. The

01:37:11.880 --> 01:37:15.600
big boxy white ones. Yeah, yep. Yeah. I almost

01:37:15.600 --> 01:37:20.699
bet it was something electrical. Yeah. Yep. So,

01:37:20.779 --> 01:37:23.340
the worst part was all the mail that burned up.

01:37:23.479 --> 01:37:25.180
You know, that's some important stuff in there.

01:37:25.460 --> 01:37:28.979
Oh, yeah. It's not all advertisements. There's

01:37:28.979 --> 01:37:31.039
actually some important real stuff in there.

01:37:31.439 --> 01:37:35.100
2010s were Social Security checks still. Yeah,

01:37:35.119 --> 01:37:36.520
there were a lot of checks. That's what I was

01:37:36.520 --> 01:37:41.319
going to say. Yeah. Yeah, wow. Next headline.

01:37:41.560 --> 01:37:44.760
COVID lockdowns made the Earth vibrate less.

01:37:46.039 --> 01:37:49.420
I believe it. Isn't that funny that all of us

01:37:49.420 --> 01:37:51.319
getting out and walking around just makes the

01:37:51.319 --> 01:38:05.199
Earth vibrate a little more? I remember that

01:38:05.199 --> 01:38:19.319
story. I don't know about the 3 ,000 feet, but

01:38:19.319 --> 01:38:22.140
this is maybe 10 years ago. They couldn't find

01:38:22.140 --> 01:38:31.569
him. He kept doing it. Yep. That's interesting.

01:38:31.909 --> 01:38:35.090
He probably quit doing it. Yeah. Yeah, but why

01:38:35.090 --> 01:38:40.510
would they play this story? Yeah. Okay, next

01:38:40.510 --> 01:38:45.130
headline. It is discovered that King Tut's dagger

01:38:45.130 --> 01:38:50.869
was made from a meteorite. Oh, wow. Isn't that

01:38:50.869 --> 01:38:55.810
cool? That is. I mean, you imagine they see this

01:38:55.810 --> 01:38:58.350
big chunk of rock fall from what they consider

01:38:58.350 --> 01:39:01.319
heaven. piece lying on the ground. They're like,

01:39:01.399 --> 01:39:03.819
oh, let's go make something for the emperor out

01:39:03.819 --> 01:39:07.859
of this. Yeah, why not? It's magical. They found

01:39:07.859 --> 01:39:10.000
out that King Tut was not that attractive. He

01:39:10.000 --> 01:39:12.800
had a club palette and was probably pretty much

01:39:12.800 --> 01:39:17.460
mentally handicapped because he was inbred. He

01:39:17.460 --> 01:39:22.079
was very inbred, yeah. He was a puppet. They

01:39:22.079 --> 01:39:25.000
thought he was this beautiful creature of all

01:39:25.000 --> 01:39:27.859
of them back then. No. Nope, nope, nope. Nope.

01:39:32.329 --> 01:39:34.930
in Thailand is jailed for leaving a negative

01:39:34.930 --> 01:39:41.090
hotel review. Huh? Yeah. There's no freedom of

01:39:41.090 --> 01:39:44.029
speech everywhere. There's just a few places

01:39:44.029 --> 01:39:47.609
where you have freedom of speech. Uh -huh. I

01:39:47.609 --> 01:39:49.390
mean, you go over to Turkey and start talking

01:39:49.390 --> 01:39:52.649
about the Christian Armenians and they'll slap

01:39:52.649 --> 01:39:54.630
you in jail pretty quick. Oh, yeah, yeah. You

01:39:54.630 --> 01:40:04.850
ain't seeing light after that either. Yeah. Yeah.

01:40:04.949 --> 01:40:06.850
She was a counselor to President Trump, kind

01:40:06.850 --> 01:40:09.430
of looked like a blonde skeletor. Yeah. Yeah.

01:40:10.010 --> 01:40:13.510
She published nude pictures of her underage daughter

01:40:13.510 --> 01:40:19.390
as a form of punishment. Oh. What? She really

01:40:19.390 --> 01:40:22.789
did it, and she got away with it. She should

01:40:22.789 --> 01:40:26.869
be in prison. Wow. Yeah, I mean, that's child

01:40:26.869 --> 01:40:29.909
pornography, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that is. Is

01:40:29.909 --> 01:40:38.289
this allegedly, or did it really happen? Okay,

01:40:38.369 --> 01:40:40.130
so we're going to have to say allegedly, but

01:40:40.130 --> 01:40:44.329
it sounds to me like it might. Okay. Wow. I wouldn't

01:40:44.329 --> 01:41:12.300
put it past her. No, me neither. Wow. I wonder

01:41:12.300 --> 01:41:16.239
what the connection is. It's weird. I don't know.

01:41:16.279 --> 01:41:19.199
Somehow shrimp are swimming around the blueberry

01:41:19.199 --> 01:41:24.460
bushes. We're in a field of oats. You have the

01:41:24.460 --> 01:41:42.539
oat shrimp, I guess. The mad shrimper. It doesn't

01:41:42.539 --> 01:41:47.800
overlap anywhere. Wow. Yeah. You know, like Captain

01:41:47.800 --> 01:41:56.140
Crunch now with prawns. Wow. Wow. You know, people

01:41:56.140 --> 01:41:58.520
would buy it just as novelty. I have one for

01:41:58.520 --> 01:42:01.399
the Talk is Cheap studio. Captain Crunch with

01:42:01.399 --> 01:42:35.100
prawns. Conch Cocoa Pebbles. Oh, no. And you

01:42:35.100 --> 01:42:38.039
can actually look it up under that name. They

01:42:38.039 --> 01:42:40.279
were smuggling in humans from Central America

01:42:40.279 --> 01:42:42.699
and forcing them to work on farms in horrible

01:42:42.699 --> 01:42:45.460
conditions. They paid them 20 cents a bucket

01:42:45.460 --> 01:42:48.439
for picking onions, forced them to dig with their

01:42:48.439 --> 01:42:52.119
hands and no tools. The conspirators required

01:42:52.119 --> 01:42:55.060
the workers to pay unlawful fees for transportation,

01:42:55.180 --> 01:42:57.579
food, and housing while illegally withholding

01:42:57.579 --> 01:43:00.140
their travel and identification documents and

01:43:00.140 --> 01:43:02.300
subjecting the workers to perform physically

01:43:02.300 --> 01:43:05.100
demanding work for little or no pay, housing

01:43:05.100 --> 01:43:08.039
them in crowded, unsanitary, and degrading living

01:43:08.039 --> 01:43:10.579
conditions, and threatening them with deportation

01:43:10.579 --> 01:43:14.220
and violence. Operation Blooming Onion, a six

01:43:14.220 --> 01:43:16.279
-year investigation, determined there were roughly

01:43:16.279 --> 01:43:20.000
70 ,000 victims, with 100 of them being located

01:43:20.000 --> 01:43:22.720
in the southern region. Investigators stated

01:43:22.720 --> 01:43:24.979
there were several rapes and deaths among the

01:43:24.979 --> 01:43:27.600
visa recipients. The exploitation of the workers

01:43:27.600 --> 01:43:30.460
included being required to dig onions, dig onions

01:43:30.460 --> 01:43:32.640
with their bare hands, paid 20 cents for each

01:43:32.640 --> 01:43:34.880
bucket harvested, and threatened with guns and

01:43:34.880 --> 01:43:40.119
violence to keep them in line. Oh, wow. So that

01:43:40.119 --> 01:43:43.199
part we still know, but what happened to everything

01:43:43.199 --> 01:43:46.000
and the rest of the people, and did they roll

01:43:46.000 --> 01:43:48.439
up the whole organization? You just can't find

01:43:48.439 --> 01:43:52.600
that stuff out. It's kind of gone. And, you know,

01:43:52.699 --> 01:43:56.399
a lot of people who are being brought into this

01:43:56.399 --> 01:43:59.460
country illegally wind up. working on fields

01:43:59.460 --> 01:44:03.399
like that yeah yep it's big business it's horrible

01:44:03.399 --> 01:44:07.939
human trafficking is everywhere and it's a thriving

01:44:07.939 --> 01:44:10.380
business in america we just don't like to think

01:44:10.380 --> 01:44:13.220
about it or see it but you know you're out driving

01:44:13.220 --> 01:44:15.520
in the country somewhere and you see people picking

01:44:15.520 --> 01:44:18.600
some fruit or vegetables or something you just

01:44:18.600 --> 01:44:20.859
don't know you know are they there because they

01:44:20.859 --> 01:44:23.359
you know are doing their job are they there because

01:44:23.359 --> 01:44:26.640
they're being forced to it's just kind of creepy

01:44:26.640 --> 01:44:29.069
now to to see people doing, you know, honest

01:44:29.069 --> 01:44:31.369
outdoor work, and you have no idea if they're

01:44:31.369 --> 01:44:34.550
a slave. Yeah, no, that's so true, Topher. I

01:44:34.550 --> 01:44:38.310
mean, and also, you probably, every one of us

01:44:38.310 --> 01:44:41.050
probably see it almost daily, and we just don't

01:44:41.050 --> 01:44:45.750
know it. Yeah, I'm sure we've walked past people

01:44:45.750 --> 01:44:49.350
every day who are just in a horrible situation

01:44:49.350 --> 01:44:53.750
and can't tell anyone. Yeah, yeah. Right. Wow,

01:44:53.970 --> 01:44:58.409
that's hard to believe, but it's true. Yep. All

01:44:58.409 --> 01:45:01.289
right, is that it? So that was the last one I

01:45:01.289 --> 01:45:04.630
had. All righty. Does anyone have anything else?

01:45:04.649 --> 01:45:08.289
Because I know Rob has to get up early. I'm actually

01:45:08.289 --> 01:45:14.670
off tomorrow, so. Yeah, I'm actually working

01:45:14.670 --> 01:45:17.350
until 2 .30 tomorrow, and then I have to go get

01:45:17.350 --> 01:45:21.210
my yearly physical for health insurance. Sorry

01:45:21.210 --> 01:45:31.829
about your butthole. You might bring some numbs

01:45:31.829 --> 01:45:34.729
in or something. Actually, I passed that test

01:45:34.729 --> 01:45:37.770
last time very well, so I should be fine. Okay,

01:45:37.770 --> 01:45:40.489
good. Does the doctor have small hands? That's

01:45:40.489 --> 01:45:44.390
all that counts. Yes. It's a female. Oh, okay.

01:45:44.430 --> 01:45:46.770
Good start. Good start. All right. It's a good

01:45:46.770 --> 01:45:49.449
start. She doesn't look like Janet Reno? Oh,

01:45:49.449 --> 01:45:53.810
yeah. No. Okay, good. Good. All right. If she

01:45:53.810 --> 01:45:55.569
looked like Janet Reno, you might have a problem.

01:45:56.470 --> 01:46:09.430
All right. Oh, my God, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh,

01:46:09.449 --> 01:46:14.210
I would not want to see her mad or naked. Yeah,

01:46:14.310 --> 01:46:16.689
yeah. She did not look trustworthy in the least

01:46:16.689 --> 01:46:18.529
little bit. Oh, hell no. That's why they hired

01:46:18.529 --> 01:46:23.569
her. Yeah. All right, everybody, thank you for

01:46:23.569 --> 01:46:26.649
listening and tuning in. We know you love the

01:46:26.649 --> 01:46:29.609
show. Thank you. We hope we answered everything

01:46:29.609 --> 01:46:32.930
about the extra show because what I just said

01:46:32.930 --> 01:46:36.010
was a small sample of what I gave today on the

01:46:36.010 --> 01:46:39.189
e -mails or a small sample. of the delirium of

01:46:39.189 --> 01:46:41.270
the new show, and we really appreciate it, for

01:46:41.270 --> 01:46:43.710
real. This is not a joke, really. Thank you,

01:46:43.710 --> 01:46:46.630
guys. We're glad that you love it. We're doing

01:46:46.630 --> 01:46:48.569
everything we can to give you more programming,

01:46:48.770 --> 01:46:51.850
but like we said, we all have lives and jobs

01:46:51.850 --> 01:46:57.689
and stuff, so. Anyhow, thank you for listening.

01:46:57.829 --> 01:47:12.359
Good night, assholes. make them stop. And goodnight,

01:47:12.359 --> 01:47:17.399
assholes. I let him finish. We have six dogs.

01:47:17.899 --> 01:47:21.079
Oh my gosh, they gotta get in line. Yeah, there

01:47:21.079 --> 01:47:25.520
is no stop. Goodnight, assholes. Thanks for listening.

01:47:26.779 --> 01:47:33.220
Goodnight. Goodnight. Oh no. Looks like the show's

01:47:33.220 --> 01:47:36.819
over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't

01:47:36.819 --> 01:47:40.279
afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll

01:47:40.279 --> 01:47:42.140
be back invading your ear holes soon.