Well, well, well. We see you made it back. That's
right. It's time for your favorite podcast, Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, live from the historic
river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
but only on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays.
Otherwise, you get live from the Duck Wine Studio
in Wheatland, Missouri, and the Talk is Cheap
studio from Extreme Southern Tent for the Kansas
City Metroplex and the surrounding areas. Let's
grab a seat and see what kind of garbage they
throw at us today. Enjoy. Welcome again. We're
happy you chose us. Come on in. Wash yourself
off. Would you enjoy a bourbon and coke? There's
a liquor store down the road. If you go, I need
rolling papers. Well, since you're here, let's
get this daily douchebag pledge out of the way.
All right, bitches, swing your hips and pelvic
thrust. Shout it out with me. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to download every podcast.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to make all
friends, family members and workmates download
this show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to
grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show. and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
we must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone? It's time for the police blotter.
That's right, stories about stupid criminals
and the dumbassness that ensued. Let us begin
now. A 25 -year -old Phillipsburg, Montana man
drove to the Granite County Courthouse to pay
a fine for having an open container. Sheriff
Rico Barkel observed that the man appeared to
be intoxicated. He asked if the man drove himself
to the courthouse. He replied, Yes. He then admitted
to having to had two drinks and smoked two bowls
of marijuana. The man was tested at three times
above the legal limit and had an open container
in his car again. He was charged with aggravated
DUI and open container. He went to jail immediately.
No word if he actually paid the first fine. Introducing
Rob Rad's new book, How to Track Your Enemy by
Set. That's right. Smell your enemy before they
get you. Order this gem now and get a free virtual
tour of Rob's secret bunker in Camderton, Missouri.
Also receive a free copy of his new book, How
to Clean Raw Sewage for Food. Since the dawn
of time, weird shit has happened. Strange occurrences,
unexplained phobias, and other odd happenings.
Over the next minute, we would like to bring
you odd, rare phobias and conditions. Hutchinson
-Gilford Progeria Syndrome. Cases known on Earth
100 to possibly 150. This causes young children
to age quickly, such as hair loss, thin, fragile
skin, and cardiovascular issues, while the child's
mental capacity stays the same. There is unknown
cure and very little treatment options. Oh, shit.
What's that over there? Oh, no. It's the island
of horrible jokes. Ugh! What do you call a bundle
of hay in church? Christian bale. And now, Deep
Thoughts with Mark. If I were floating in outer
space, if I was to paddle my arms and legs, Would
I float faster? Hmm. I may never know. Two douchebags
and microphone. Yes, this is the original douchebag
and microphone. Well, not the original, but the
second carnation of it. The one without Topher.
But he will be back Sunday with plenty to say.
I just posted something that Topher and I have
plenty to say Tuesday. So, I am at the Talk is
Cheap studio on the extreme southern tip of the
Kansas City Metroplex in the Talk is Cheap studio.
I think I said that. I don't care. Anyhow. And
I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of the
magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and Watertrap
and also home of... I'm such a kid. Every time
you say huge penis, I snicker. You're the one
that got me doing it. I know, but it's funny
hearing you say it. And here I am trying to break
things down for Sunday night to add time for
tofu. I know. I feel so bad for you. Man, I'm
sorry I threw all that shit on you. No, I might
have to leave that for Wednesday night. But I'm
going to make a different version for Sunday
night. But I think I'm on it. I think I'm on
it. I think I figured it out. I just got to stop
and talk to the people. Yeah, Topher and I was
talking about your timing is so good, dude. I
mean, have you listened back to the shows? I
have not caught last Sunday's. I will catch that
in the morning. Okay. Like I said, I've been
really busy this week, dude. Okay. No, that's
cool. That's cool. Yeah, your timing is perfect.
You've got to re -listen to it, is what I'm saying.
I'm trying to hurry. Do you give Topher time?
Oh, no, but every time you throw a little zinger
in there, it's right at the right time. And Topher
and I are both like... So, anyhow, you'll hear
what I'm saying when you listen to it. All right.
Okay. So, all right, let's go ahead and start
off with this. Okay, if you're lonely and if
you're a college student in Boston, you can stop
at the Call a Boomer phone number on Commonwealth
Avenue in Brookline and free of charge connect
with an older person living in a senior housing
facility in Reno, Nevada. Boston .com reported
on March 10th that biotech company Matter Neuroscience
set up the phones as part of a social experiment
based on data that show young people and seniors
are the loneliest among age groups. The goal
of this project is to inspire, and I believe
that, you know, young people, try to think back
when you were younger. And you were awkward.
And you really, you know, you really didn't know.
Everything you did just seemed like it was wrong.
People didn't want to talk to you because you're
just a dumb little snot nose shit. You know,
you remember those days, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So I get it. I see what you're saying there.
Yeah, I used to have a couple of older people
that I used to go talk to, and they used to ground
me. You know, they'd be like, hey, Mark, you
know what? What you're worried about, you're
going to wish you were worried about here in
20 years. What you're worrying about right there,
you won't care at all in 20 years. You won't
even think about it. It's like it's just a stage
you're going through. You know, they used to
know exactly what to say. So I think this is
a great idea, and I think this will help a lot
of people. So, the goal is, through meaningful
conversations, a plaque on the phone booth reads,
calls work either way, and if no one picks up,
the caller can leave a message. So, anyhow, one
call was from San Francisco to Albany, Texas,
and I thought it was just going to be in one
area like Reno, Nevada, but evidently they do
it all over. So, anyhow, the whole long and...
The whole long and short of it is it's a pretty
good program, and it seems to be working well
because younger people are awkward, and older
people are lonely and don't have anybody to talk
to. So that should work well. Me, I'd call up
and go, hey, hey, is your refrigerator running?
And then they'd hang up. All right. Tommy Lynch,
42, of Derbyshire, England, went to the hospital
after waking up with blue skin. People Magazine
reported on March 10th, again, Lynch's roommate,
who worked as a career medical aide, saw his
skin and whisked him to the emergency room, thinking
he might be deprived of oxygen. Doctors there
assessed him and prudently rubbed his arm with
an alcohol swipe, revealing his ailment, sleeping
on new unwashed bed sheets, dark blue ones. Yeah,
I never knew you had to wash. The guy said, I
never knew you had to wash your sheets before
you slept on them. I look like an avatar. Good
idea. Yeah, yeah, it would be a good idea. I
mean, if they're in a package, I could understand
maybe not washing them as much. Unless, you know,
then they have the kind that's like folded and
has like a paper band around it, right? Those
I would definitely wash because everyone's been
putting their greasy paws all over them, you
know. Yeah, and it's like a new pair of blue
jeans. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you want to wash them
first, honestly. It's all in, and you wash out
a lot of the dye the first wash. You really do.
Yeah, you do, and you don't get it all over your
legs. Yeah, don't put it in with your whites.
And also, you know a lot of people don't wear
underwear, right? And if they tried them on,
they got their fucking bag nutsack. Yeah, good
point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good point. You don't
want their ball gravy all over you, so, you know.
So it would be a good idea to go ahead and wash
them. So, now in the no fucking way department,
Rob. Okay, first off, I bet you didn't know March
15th is National Espresso Martini Day. Did you
know that? No, I did not. Well, Buffalo Wild
Wings knows. And in celebration, they're introducing
their wing -flavored espresso, Proteini is what
they call it, USA Today reported on March 9th
that the featured drink is made with 10 grams
of protein and buffalo dry rub, which will also
line the rim of the glass. Dude, that just, oh
my God. I bet it did not go over very well. It
didn't say the numbers on it, but I'm going to
look it up and I'll report back. Yeah, I agree.
Dude, that's dope. You'd have to be drunk to
do it. Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Just stomach it.
Yeah, you'd have to be completely out of your
fucking mind to do that, in my opinion. I'll
bet you a lot of people do, though, and they
get their selfies with them and all that and
go, hey, guess who tried the Espresso Proteini,
you know, and all that. You'll get that. Yeah,
and end up puking their guts up in the bathroom.
Yeah, it's going to end up a bunch of them are
going to be 90 % full just sitting there on the
table the rest of the night. Yeah. So the Espresso
Proteini is available from March 12th to the
23rd and costs $12. That's $12 you can do something
good with. Not by the Espresso Proteini. That
would not be a good thing to do with that, $12.
Get the wings and the beer. You're better off.
Yes, yes, much better. And you can't beat beer
and wings. I mean, you know, that's like the
perfect combination. Whenever I see that, I hear...
Why would you go there for something like that
anyway? Oh, my God. That's what I think about
it. Yeah. Why would they have something like
that? I think so. People like us can talk about
it. Evidently. Yeah, I really do. I think it's
like, look, this sucks and we know it, but everybody's
going to talk about it. They're trying to reach
out to the yuppies. I guess so. I bet you they're
not doing it either. I bet you they're like,
what? They don't realize they're vegans. They
don't eat. That's true. Isn't that place that
sells the chicken wings? Oh, no. Oh, God. I can
smell meat cooking when I walk in there. I'm
about ready to bomb. But I want one of these
drinks. I don't see that happening. No, no, I
don't either. I don't either. A restaurant in
Mobile, Alabama had advertised an offer for nearly
100 years, but never had to honor it until the
end of February when Jimmy Rush 80 and James
Rush 99 walked in. The New York Post reported
that Witzel's Oyster House promises free oysters
to any man 80 years old, accompanied by his father.
And until the rushes... I know. That's awesome.
And until the rushes arrived, they never had
a taker. We felt like our dad was going to make
it to 100 because he's in great health, said
another son, Carl. We've been talking about it
as a family for 25 to 30 years now. Carl will
be 80 in two years. And they plan to come back
for another dozen oysters because they plan on
their dad being alive and his brother, who's
two years younger, will be 80. So that would
be excellent. That would be awesome. I hope they
get their wish. To me, I'd love a story like
that. I cannot wait to hear about that. Yeah,
me neither. Me neither. So I'm going to keep
an eye on that. I'm going to try to... Stay with
that story and find out. I mean, I know it's
two years away, but it would still be cool to
report on that in two years. We might find it
in two years. Yeah. Well, I'm going to earmark
this. I found a new way to earmark segments because
I had a couple of people write about the Bluetooth
story. And one of them wrote it first, and then
when I mentioned it on the show the other night,
another person wrote and said, yeah, I really
want to hear that. Gosh, how many shows do we
have, Rob? Probably 300, 400. I have not been
keeping very good records, unfortunately. So
I can't find that segment. And so I'm just going
to have to redo the segment. Well, two to three
segments a week. And then for a while, we were
doing four a week. I know we were, yeah. It's
hard telling where it's at. Yeah, so now we're
back to four. Topher and I do the two at the
City Market, and then we do this one usually
Thursday nights now because I have my back therapy
on Wednesdays a lot of times. So we do four shows
a week, so you add that up after about two months.
It's hard telling where it's at. Yeah, and like
I said, I found a new way to earmark stuff, so
I'm going to start doing that. If it's something
I think I'm going to have to go back to or something
people will wonder about, I'm going to have it
earmarked, and I have a different way to explain
it to, I figured out a better way, because a
lot of the stuff that I put in there, you know,
it'll say, dude stripping part three, and I'm
like, what the fuck was that? I can't remember.
You know what I mean? It's stuff that doesn't
make sense to me later, but it did at the moment.
So I got a different way of explaining things
in the segment and what it's about. So anyhow.
All right. There is a goldfish that just beat
a world record for driving. Yeah, I said driving.
A goldfish recently earned a Guinness World Record
for driving. Blub, the Italian fish. took home
the title for the greatest distance covered in
a motion -sensing vehicle by a goldfish in one
minute, thanks to his owner, who is an engineer.
Thomas DeWolf. That's really his name, as far
as I know. Thomas DeWolf. It sounds like a stage
name, doesn't it? Take him to a camp to, like,
teach people how to drive there. Rob, that's
everywhere. That is everywhere. Oh, my God. It's
not bad here, but then there ain't as many people
here either. Yeah. Wow. It appears to me like
people would rather do anything except look at
the road. It's just ridiculous. I understand
how come churns premiums are so high now. Like
I said, I've been hit three times in four months,
and every one of them, the person just was fucking...
Look at their phone or something is what it looked
like to me. They didn't admit it, but I don't
know how else they could have done it. So, anyhow.
Thomas DeWolf of the Netherlands crafted a four
-wheeled vehicle that holds a water tank and
is directed by the movements of the goldfish,
who is able to travel a total of 40 feet and
3 .46 inches to break the world record. Holy
shit. Yeah. You can look this up online. It's
really kind of cool. The guy went through great
links, and it's really cool because the goldfish,
you can see that the goldfish realizes that it's
moving something. I mean, you know, you can see
the look on his face like, hey, I'm doing this.
It's really neat. The contraption is a small
tank of water, including the fish. with a small
robar -looking cage around it and wheels with
a motion -detecting camera that prompts the tank
to navigate the way the fish is moving. So all
the fish has to do is go to the front and keep
moving, and the contraption will allow him to
keep moving. So the Italian fish actually realized
that it was moving something and kept going,
which is remarkable. You know, I mean, it's too
bad people with bigger brains don't use that
much of their brains, right? Well, I know you're
going to go into something here in a little bit,
so we might as well just smooth the surface off
for it. Okay, so who was coming up with this
shit? Well, I did some scouring here, and here's
the origin of how one might get a world record.
You ever wonder how you get a world record? I
have. Yeah. Okay. Number one, check if it already
exists. Go to the Guinness World Records website
and search their database. If your idea already
exists, you can try to break the current record
as it exists. If it doesn't, you can propose
a new record category. Create an account and
apply. You'll need to sign up and submit an application
with a clear description of your record data,
why it's measurable and unique, and how it can
be verified fairly. They'll either approve it,
reject it, or ask for clarification, is what
the Guinness website says. Wait for approval
upon standard review, 12 plus weeks, which is
free, but they have a fast track option. You
pay, and it's much quicker. Imagine that, right?
It's just kind of like, you know, I started the
National Crappy Podcast Day on my birthday, right?
Yeah. Well, I could have had a fast track, and
I could have had it. It went through, but it's
not for sure it goes through unless you pay them.
If you pay them, you got it. I mean, you could
come up with anything. You're like, okay, give
us a check. Okay, all right, it's yours. So,
if approved, they'll send you the official guidelines.
This is critical. Follow strict rules. You must
follow their exact criteria, which usually includes
independent witnesses, video evidence, and photographic
proof. Sometimes expert verification, depending
on what it is. If you miss even a small requirement,
they can reject it. To prove the record, produce
a full unedited video. And that's going to be,
you know... You have to make sure that it's done
in one swipe because if you edit it, they throw
it out because it could be tampered with, so
I get that. Then you have two signed witness
statements, any required logs or data. Verification
they review your submission can take weeks to
months, again, unless you pay them. If successful,
you're officially a world record holder. There
you go, Rob. All right. Well, let's turn it to
you. I think you have a few things to say, Rob.
Okay. Actually, I have... First off, I want to
wish a very happy birthday to the Duke. Yay!
Today is his birthday. Our favorite listener
and contributor ever. And my brother. Yep. Well,
yeah, that part, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Happy
birthday, Duke. Okay, and now, something I have
to get off my chest. Go right on ahead. Stupid
co -workers. Oh, yeah, I had my fill of them
earlier today. We are talking about the ones
that should not have a job. Because they are
a danger to themselves and others. Mm -hmm. Work
with plenty of them. We got this guy. He's a
cross -member lover. You know, he's just a flunky.
But when I need help, he is to come up and help
me. Well, I kicked him out of my area. I don't
know how. many times because he is dangerous
because he don't watch he doesn't pay attention
and one day and I told you this story off the
air one day I had this approximately 1500 pound
bundle of steel like 10 foot in the air on the
forefoot and I was maneuvering around some stuff,
so I said into my saw, on some rollers, I'm moving
in. Well, he was working on the other saw, so
I motioned for him, I said, get over here, and
I specifically told him, stay over there. Because
I had to maneuver this bundle around some conduit
and over a shelf full of steel. You know, it's
like 10 foot in the air on four foot forks. Yeah,
very dangerous stuff. I maneuver around what
I needed to, and I do what I do every time. Once
I maneuver around that, get straight, I look
back to my left. I look back to my left, this
stupid son of a bitch is standing right underneath
that bundle. I remember you telling me that.
I'm like, what the hell? Oh, he gets better,
dude. Okay. And then here, like, it was one week
or two ago, he was up on the little saw, and
I have some steel right outside, and there's
a big garage door there, and I got some racks
full of steel that I got to bring in and carry
in, you know, and cut and stuff. Well, he's on
the little saw, which... Yeah. Oh. Oh. And I
yell at him. I said, dude, pay attention around
you. You just splatter me in sparks. I sent you
not more. And I wish I'd get other people at
work on this, on the podcast, because they know.
Hey, if they want to call in, that's fine. The
very next day, this dude shows up. he had taken
a pair of scissors across his bags. Because he
has long hair. He took a pair of scissors across
his bags so he could see. Okay, well then there
was this Monday. This Monday was golden. And
this is why Well, we understand why he still
has a job, because there is a workman's comp
claim involved now. Oh, okay. Yeah, they can't
fire him during that. Right. Or lay him off.
Well, I need him to drill some tongues. He just
drilled three holes in these pieces of steel.
Well, the story has changed so many times about
what he was doing, but the second welder's right
there. He's seen everything. The lead welder
was right down there. He seen it. And the lead
welder's wife seen everything. I, on the other
hand, did not because I was up busy doing my
job. Well, all I know is I come around the corner
and I look down at that grill press and there
stands our lead welder. There stands our second
welder. And there stands this dumbass. With no
shirt on. This is a huge industrial girl press,
mind you. I think I know what happened. For some
reason he reached out. We don't know. The story's
changed so many times. We don't even think he
knows. But he reached around that bit and he
was wearing a long sleeve shirt oh boy that bit
grabbed him went to rolling him up ripped the
shirt off him he's lucky it ripped the shirt
off of him he ended up going to the doctor because
he's got he had marks up his down his chest down
his back it was twirling oh And I guess Inspector
Walter told me later, he goes, yeah, he looked
at me and said, that thing ain't no punk, is
it? No, I think he was only punk in the room.
Dude, and I, we all have warned the foreman and
the planet supervisor. Something was going to
happen. This guy is a danger to himself and others.
He about hit the lady that works in there, that
runs our office. She come walking out to the
shop. He swung a piece of steel and about hit
her. He threw it? He threw it? Or what? No, no,
no. He was picking it up to carry it. Oh. But
he wasn't watching what he was doing and he about
hit her. Geez. No, that guy is dangerous. Yeah,
I mean, he does not have a brain. He don't watch.
He's dangerous. Wow. We're trying to figure out
how to get him out of there. We really are. Yeah,
no, you got to. He is going to either hurt himself
really bad or somebody else or both. Wow. Yeah.
Oh, there's more stories, but that's it. I don't
want to go into all of them. I've worked around
people like that, and I've never known a case
where they didn't do something that eventually
did get them terminated, but it took extreme,
you know what I mean? Like, they hurt so bad.
We're hoping this is it, because, yeah, we can't
deal with it. I mean, it's too easy to get hurt
around there, and when you don't pay attention...
You just turn around and start walking. You can't
do that. You've got people moving steel. You've
got forklifts coming through. It should be easy
to get rid of them because safety is one of those
things. No, they have not. We've brought it to
them. I don't know what their deal is. I don't
know. Maybe now the office may see it now. And
we've got to get through this. to get to that.
And then I know, I know quite about, I know quite
a bit about this, um, uh, because I've worked
around it my whole life being in construction.
Right. Okay. Now, um, they have to be, there's,
there has to be protocol, especially after a
worker's comp case. Oh yeah, you cannot do nothing
after. No, you have to leave them alone for amount
of time and you have to have a preponderance
of evidence to get rid of them. Because they
can come back and go, it's retaliation over this.
Here's the other thing. Hiring back, he worked
there like three, four years ago. Now that's
not a short time. And we hired him back. Well,
since he's been back, we don't think he's put
in a full 40 hours. He takes whatever time off.
You know what I mean? He just bought a house.
Missed two days of work buying a house and then
moving. Dude, no. You gotta fucking work. Especially
in a shop where there's one person per job. We
run out of skeleton group. The problem is, like
I said, I've been around this a long, long time.
It causes discontent. among the workers, when
one guy's not producing, constantly fucking with
stuff, constantly screwing stuff up, it makes
the other workers pissed off, and eventually
it makes them lose interest in working. Because
they're like, well, why should I do all this?
They're just letting him just do whatever. You
gotta watch that. It's a slippery slope, but
you know what? Hopefully they're smart enough
to figure it out. The main ones that are watching,
and there's three of us, Uh -huh. No, there's
four of us. There's four of us. Yeah. Because
we pretty much run fabrication. Uh -huh. Just
saying. Yeah, I get it. I'm going to go into
all that politics. Okay. Yeah, and we have talked
to the main boss, but it takes the foreman to
step up. Uh -huh. And he is not doing it. Okay,
I said I wasn't going to. but yeah I mean come
on stupid I mean anybody that cannot do their
job and is in danger of other people should not
have that fucking job just saying yeah just saying
no I agree I agree so All right, well, thank
you, Rob. Okay, that was my opener for the night.
That's fine with me. Listen, if they want a bunch
of ha -ha's, they can turn into the Sunday night
one. The Sunday night one, that's all it is.
So, anyhow. Oh, no, we might have a few ha -ha's.
We will. We will. We definitely will. All right,
let's take our first break, and we've got some
emails. That's where the ha -ha's come in, right?
You know it does. All right. Okay, we'll be right
back. Next up, Things Overheard in Hell. Well,
that new Hanson CD is just a laptop. Uh -huh.
is so fat when she was floating in the ocean
spain claimed her as their new territory hey
there we all have those annoying co -workers
that do nothing there's nothing we can do about
it because hr departments are running scared
of lawyers so we have to work with these worthless
pieces of garbage but we have to communicate
about them without them knowing about it Here
at Two Douchebags Microphone, we developed a
way that you can speak about them right in front
of them without them knowing about it. Stay tuned.
First code name, Absolute Zero. They contribute
nothing and effectively stop all molecular motion
in the project. Dark matter. You know they're
there. They take up space, but they provide no
light and cannot be observed doing actual work.
Static. High noise. Zero signal. Stays in one
place. Event Horizon. Once a task enters their
orbit, it is never seen again. How about Buffer?
They take 20 minutes to process a 5 second request.
The Screensaver. Looks like they're working,
but as soon as you touch them, they disappear.
Cloud Mode. Just floating around, vague, and
nobody knows what they actually do. And finally,
404. Task not found. Stay tuned for more of these
gems. This is Joshua Belmont, your food for thought
man on The Hustle. Today, we need to focus on
the genius Franklin Harris for inventing the
jukebox override. Some dumbass puts down a hundred
on the Melvins to last all night. No worry, thanks
to Mr. Harris. Just put in a buck a song to override
shitty music and you can be the hero. Mr. Harris,
not many stop to admire your fine work, but we
do here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone. Thank
you, Mr. Harris, for being a patriotic, great
human being. Two douchebags and a microphone.
There is no escape. Enter at your own risk. You
will not make it out. Run while you still can.
Bitches. Strange, but true. There are lakes that
peel the flesh off your bones. Lake Natron in
Tanzania is so alkaline it can burn through skin.
It also mummifies animals that fall in, leaving
creepy stone -like statues behind. Here in the
Kansas City area, the extreme southern tip of
the Metroplex at the Talk is Cheap studio. And
I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of Lucas
Oil Speedway and Watertrack, and also home of
the Picamo Country Store, where you can find
all your needs, including a selfie with the green
Sinclair dinosaur with a huge penis. In the Doug
Blyer Studio. I'm like a little kid. Every time
you say huge penis, I giggle. All right. We don't
have a whole lot of e -mails because, like I
thought was going to happen, everyone's e -mailing
about the other show. We're kind of like garbage
now. Oh, that one? Oh, yeah, I listened to it.
Oh, no, the tover's back. Thanks, guys. Yeah,
yeah, thanks a lot. Thanks for shitting on us.
All right. I guarantee I know somebody that e
-mailed. Yeah, you do. Yep. Yeah, you do. Yep.
Hey, guys. Just checking in with you. The new
show with the three of you is pretty epic. I
also love the alternate universe douchebags.
Terry and Memphis. Thank you. We think it's pretty
damn good, too. But what about us? What about
me and Rob? How does that make us feel, Terry?
Right, Rob? I'm kind of hurt. Well, yeah. Personally,
I'm really liking the three of us. Oh, I love
that show. I love that show. I mean, I personally
have been working on this thing where we don't
see each other and trying not to cut each other
off and all that. Yeah. But now there's three
of us since, you know, I've been doing this,
what, three years? Yeah. Something like that.
Yeah, over three years. Going on four years.
Yep. Yeah, May 29th will be four years. Wow.
Yeah, I've learned a lot in that time. And I
believe it's showing with Topher back. Because
like you said, that first show, we were kind
of cutting him off a little bit. Now some of
it had to do with volume. But we were used to
it just being us. Just like you two are used
to it being you two. You know what I mean? It
takes a while to figure out the other guy. We
are doing great. I really do. We are. That's
my personal opinion. Yeah, no, no, no, we are.
And I'm just kidding with Terry. I think Terry
probably knows this. Oh, I know, I know. Yeah.
And the reason I'm saying that is because he
said, just checking in with you, the new show
with the three of you is pretty epic. I also
love the alternative universe, douchebags. But
he didn't say anything about this one. But that's
fine. We're fine. That's you and Topher. We got
a lot of Topher fans. Shit, yeah, I know. I thought
you had a lot of fans. Topher seems to have just
as many. And me, I don't know. Everybody thinks
I'm chopped shit or something. So it's all right.
I don't care. All right. You guys should get
Aldo Nova to do an intro song for the show. Jamila
in Canada. Amen. Yeah, I'd love it. You got his
number? Jamila, do you have his number? I can
email him. There. There you go. I'm sure he'll
be right on that. We'll see what it would cost.
You know what? I might be able to do it. All
right. You know, Jamel, it probably won't happen,
but if it does, thank you for the advice. Oh,
dude. Jamel, that is the best idea ever in the
history of this world. Well, we both are huge
Aldo Nova fans, and I think Aldo Nova is from
Canada, isn't he? Yes, he is. He is Canadian,
yes. Okay. He's a Canadian -Italian, I do believe.
Or Italian -Canadian, or however they say it
up there. He's more Canadian. Yeah. He claims.
Yeah. Great guitarist. You and I have both been
big fans of his. Alright, next one. So guys,
still no arrests. Yeah, Mark was right. Complete
cover -up bullshit. Ronnie and Tulsa. The Tulsa
King. Yeah. Ronnie, I don't know what else to
say. It doesn't matter how deep this thing gets,
how much they show, all the photos, everything.
Still, I just see people getting on the stand
and don't recall anything, which is bullshit.
Bullshit. Bullshit. Yeah, no, they never did
a plan on arresting anybody, and they're not
going to. I said this from a long time ago when
I did the I Call Bullshit. Power protects power.
Look at it. Look at it. From a Ponzi scheme to
this bullshit of pedophilia. Nobody goes to jail,
and if they do, it's a big fucking, it's a resort.
So, we're not a part of that upper crust. We'll
never see it, but they get to enjoy it. I mean,
what they're doing is hideous, don't get me wrong.
They get to do whatever they want with no consequences,
unlike us. So, the people that point out racism
and all this shit, Now, what it actually is,
it's us and them. It's classism. It's money.
Classism. It always has been. Yep. If you're
not one of the ones that have your pockets lined
with silver, you're fucked. You're going to be
a working fucking drag like the rest of us. So
that's the way it is. If you think about it,
any other pedophile gets beat the shit out of
in prison. Yeah, not these guys. They don't even
see prison. No. No. One died. Yeah, and that's
about it. That was suicide. Allegedly. I'm telling
you, he's alive. He had too many people in high
places. There are a lot of people that believe
in that. I would bet my 401k and my pension on
it that he's alive. I don't know. Some of the
stories I've been reading. What? I don't know.
Stories about the guards that were supposed to
be on duty. No, I know. That's what I'm saying.
Somebody on camera. I don't know. Okay, the deal
is, it was like you could tell that like, okay,
this guy left. His roommate was gone. The guards
suddenly forgot about him. One was off duty.
Another one, the camera went out. All these things
had to happen for it to happen. And then he had
to hang himself with, I don't know, his shoestring
or some shit about six inches. No, I don't believe
any of fucking any. Not one bit of that. And
that's why I don't think he's dead. Yeah, last
time I knew, they didn't allow shoestrings in
jail anymore. Yeah, how did all this come to
fruition when he was on suicide watch? Yeah,
uh -huh. You guys tell me what happened there.
I think it's a big fucking lie, like the rest
of this bullshit. So, all right. Mark, who would
be your favorite guitarist of all time? Same
for you, Rob. Tony in Atlanta. Tony, thank you.
Yep. Boy, man, that's a tough one. I have so
many guitarists that I just fucking love. I think
I'm... I've always went with this guy. On any
of the musical lists we did, I've got to go with
this guy. I've got to go with Richie Blackmore.
You know what? I'm going to go with Tony Iommi,
but Richie Blackmore is right there. Yeah, either
one of the two. I am a Richie fan. Well, Richie
was a lot more versatile. I mean, you know, he
goes to Rainbow and does different music. He
goes back to Purple and does different music.
I mean, and now he does Celtic music. So I can
definitely see you saying that. Yeah. But just
to be... Now, don't get me wrong, and this goes
back to the earlier. Uh -huh. Aldo Nova is in
my top five. Oh, yeah, he's fucking awesome.
Aldo Nova is in my top five. Yeah. Yep, Nuno
Betancourt really scores high. Eddie Van Halen
scores high. You know, I mean, there's so many
of them. Randy Rhoades is up there. And people
go, well, Randy Rhoades, here's the deal. Randy
Rhoades is back in the early 80s, and he pretty
much invented all this modern stuff like that,
okay? Him and Eddie Van Halen did. They're both
in the L .A. scene. Now, people are judging what
he did back then and going, well, he wasn't that
fantastic. Everybody can do that now. Yeah, that
was back then. Imagine if he lived and he progressed.
Think of where he'd be right now if he lived.
Think of that. Look at the technology since then.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Anyone that says
that is just not thinking correctly. No, that
guy would have been just fucking lights out,
just stupid. That goes back to stupid employees.
Yeah, yeah, people. Yeah, you're right. All right,
okay, so yours is Blackmore and mine's Iommi,
and they're both just right there. So, yeah,
I see how Kevin took Blackmore. And I very easily
could have taken Blackmore, but I'm going to
be different than you and just pick Iommi. All
right, can't go wrong with either one of them.
All right, Rob, I need my grain bin worked on,
probably some MIG welding as such. We need it
up and going before severe weather season. Too
late with that, Willie and Montrose. Willie's
back. Okay, Willie, I'm sorry. I'm not a welder.
My eyesight will not allow me to weld. Oh, believe
me, I know. That's why I had to quit doing that
and go into glass and railings is because of
that. Yeah, my eyesight, yeah, I cannot weld.
But if you need to steal, I might be able to
get you a discount price. There you go, Willie.
Hey, Willie. Hey, Willie, thank you. It's been
a while. Yeah, Willie's the guy that's going
to lend us his extension cord from his double
wide to have power at the campgrounds. Yeah,
Willie, thank you for checking back with us.
And as far as getting it up before severe weather
season, no, too late. Yeah, you're a little late.
A little late. All right, and then finally, Mark,
where can I get the best seafood in Key West?
Also at Cabana. Frederick in Allentown, probably
Pennsylvania, I'd imagine. Yep, I would say so.
Frederick. Okay, number one in Key West, there's
a lot of really good, fresh seafood restaurants.
And the locals will tell you this, so I'm going
to tell you this. All right. The box truck ones
you don't go to. And what that is is it's refrigerated
box trucks. They buy that stuff already frozen.
The ones that don't have the box trucks, and
you can ask the locals because they see it. Okay,
and they'll tell you. They'll go, oh, that one
over there, that crab place. No, no, no. That's
a box store is what they call it. Or a box restaurant
is what they call it. And that means that the
frozen box truck goes there and delivers it and
it's not fresh. They don't have someone catching
it right off the coast or nothing like that.
And what you do is you go to the locals, you
know, you go into a, I don't know, a food mart,
a gas station, ask them, and they'll tell you
which ones are the box truck ones and which ones
are not. And as far as a Cubana, I've had a lot
of really good Cubanas there because there's
a lot of Cubans in Key West, but the best one
is Big Mama's. Big Mama's Cubano is the best,
hands down. That thing is out of this world.
I'll tell you that just the taste, everything,
it's just phenomenal. So there you go, Frederick.
I hope you have fun in Key West. Take the Sunset
Tour. Let's see what, oh, go to Latitudes. If
you could afford it, it's a little spicy, or
not spicy, a little pricey. And also go to Better
Than Sex Dessert Restaurant. Those are my three
must -dos. And if you feel like getting naked,
go upstairs to Adam and Eve, the bar right there
on, what is the name of that street? Fuck, I
can't think of it. Anyhow, yeah. So those are
my suggestions. Go to Fort Zachary Taylor. Oh,
the Dry Tortugas. That's a two -hour boat ride,
but it is a, excuse me. It's a two -hour boat
ride, but they serve drinks so you don't give
a shit. It's Old Fort Jefferson. and it is uh
it's called the dry tortugas because it's an
island out off of the coast you can see cuba
from there it is it's really cool it's quite
an experience then on the way back they really
opened the bar and by the time you get back you're
pretty lit uh we ubered back to the hotel and
i promptly destroyed the furniture by falling
on it i'm not joking you for real i was fucking
plowed that was the most plowed i got since i
was a teenager I was so smashed from those free
drinks. Yeah, we made it back to the resort,
and I'm trying to take my clothes off to go to
sleep, right? And I fell on the end table and
some other little table there, and I smashed
them to nothing. And we never did get billed
for it. So, anyhow, do all that, Frederick. So,
anyhow, Rob, let's turn it to you. You must.
I must. You know what time it is. Yep. The bell
just rang. Oh, the paper bell. Yay. It's Rob's
bag of garbage. Yay. And actually, man, I was
really wanting to save this one for Sunday night.
Well, go ahead if you want. Go ahead and save
it for that. No, no, I'm not pulling it out.
I've got to read it. Okay. Okay. A study found
that thousands of men in the U .S. ended up in
emergency rooms because of one painful problem.
Browser zippers. Oh! Yeah. Research. Researchers
estimate that from 2002 to 2010, about 17 ,600
people went to the ER with genital injuries linked
to zippers. In almost every case, the injury
involved the penis. Yeah, normally does. Wow.
The study said zippers are the number one cause
of penile injuries in adult men. making up nearly
one in five of these injuries. Later medical
sources say this still happens around 2 ,000
times a year. The good news is that many of these
injuries are treatable without major intervention.
But many men make things worse by trying to free
the skin themselves before going to the hospital.
The tiny zipper can cause a very... I've had
that happen, haven't you? Yes, because if you
think about it, it hurt getting on there. You've
got to get it back off. Yes. Well, that's when
the real damage happens, is getting it back off.
Yeah, it's kind of like sticking your arm through
glass or something. Going through the glass won't
cut you. It's when you pull your arm back. Yes.
Yep. So, yeah. But in this case, it got you the
first time. It's really going to get you the
second. I've had it so bad. I mean, you know
you have to get it off. And it hurts like hell,
right? But it is almost impossible to just rip
that down and know you're going to rip everything
down there in the process. But it has to be done.
Oh, shit. I had that happen, and I put a bunch
of toilet paper around my penis and scrotum and
all that good stuff, right? And what happened
is it scabbed over. Then I had to run my penis
and nuts under hot water to get the scabs to
loosen up to take off the toilet paper. It sucked.
So, if you ever have that happen, be aware. Hey,
Al, go ahead. Sorry. Okay, well, I'm going to
have one more, but what does it mean when you
get surrounded by a bunch of ladybugs? Um, you're
a daisy? I don't know. In a loft. In a loft?
That's good luck. I'm watching two ladybugs run
around. That's good luck, supposedly. Cool. Well,
it wasn't Sunday night, because during Sunday
night's podcast, I was nice and comfortable,
but by the time we got done, it had dropped like
10, 15 degrees up here. Oh, yeah. I was shivering,
but I was going to have to pause and run downstairs
and put on a jacket. See, the cold front came
through here in the afternoon, so I figured it
would probably be down there up then, so, yeah.
Well, and then tonight, I'm sitting up here,
nothing but the loincloth, no shirt, just loincloth.
Oh, yeah, because it's so hot. And still sweat.
I'll tell you, this weather is fucked. This weather
is fucked. Hey, watch what you say. Oh, I love
it, though. I love this weather. I love Mother
Nature. Good boy. Thank you. Thanks for reminding
me. All right. Let's go for one more reach. All
right. Oh, here's a good one. Actually, this
kind of ends it on a positive note. All right.
Alias Mike Anderson was 23 when he robbed a Burger
King manager in Missouri for $2 ,000. The judge
handed down 13 years. Anderson went home expecting
marshals to arrive any day. They never did. A
clerical error meant no transport order was ever
issued. The system recorded him as incarcerated.
Yeah. Neighbors. Neighbors knew him as reliable
and kind. He paid his taxes every year. He showed
up. In 2013, as his release date approached,
the routine records check revealed the truth.
Anderson never spent a single day behind bars.
Authorities arrested him immediately and sent
him to prison to serve the sentence. that had
been lost in the paperwork. His case made national
headlines. Community members, employers, and
his pastor testified not about his crime, but
about the man he had become. Yeah. In 2014, a
Missouri judge made a stunning decision. Anderson
had already served his sentence in the most meaningful
way possible. He had rehailed him. rehabilitated
himself without guards, without programs, without
supervision. Sending him to prison now would
punish his success and serve no public good.
The judge ordered him released. The case became
a quiet landmark about what redemption looks
like when no one is keeping score. Wow. Dude,
I love that. I do, too. They're right. That's
what you want them to do. That is the idea of
them recovering. You know, most people, not all
of them, there are certain things you can do
that you don't deserve a second chance. But on
most cases, people deserve a second chance. And
he took his second chance through an accident.
But, yeah. It was not his fault. There was a
clerical error. No. Nope, I don't blame him.
Not at all. Well, I'm glad the judge did that.
That's good. All right. Let's take our second
break, and I've got a little story to go into
down in your neck of the woods. Oh, sounds good.
Yep. All right. Yes, it's true. Mark is an old
bastard. It's also true that Mark uses a lot
of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell you,
if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,
it's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. Hi there. This
is your ears. Why are you listening to this garbage?
I thought we were friends. Hey everybody, this
is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some tips
for life. Always answer the phone when I have
1%. I will hang on as long as I can. That way,
if it's someone you don't want to talk to, look
off mid -sentence and you're done. Two douchebags,
a microphone, and an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you first world problems. Man,
my internet is so slow. This is bullshit. How
am I supposed to browse or get on TikTok with
slow internet? I'm so pissed off right now. I
don't know what to do. Hey, if you're a fan of
paying way too much for trinkets and food, well,
your wish is coming true. hand city international
airport guest pass program is starting today
yes you too could overspend on workless trinkets
and 15 cups of coffee you want to buy a 50 cheap
t -shirt that has kc western auto building image
on it we got you covered what a barbecue sauce
gift pack no problem just a mere 40 bucks on
your first point hurry you know rubes are jumping
all over to get to this complete ripoff Because
people are sheep. Hey, my fellow heavy breathers,
this is Dash Riptide, your music news. Tony Omi,
the Godfather of Metal, is featured in the new
limited docu -series, I Omi, the Godfather of
Heavy Metal, which streams exclusively on Gibson
TV, with the first volume released in early 2026.
The series from Gibson Films explores his life,
the origins of Black Sabbath, and his immense
influence on metal and music. A deep dive into
Iommi's life, including his formative years in
Birmingham, the extent that shaped his guitar
sound, and the birth of Black Sabbath. Interviews
with other legendary musicians like Brian May,
Rob Halford, Slash, and Zach Wild are also featured.
Don't miss it. This is Gash Riptine, and that
was your music news. If it's too loud, you probably
have ear damage, just like me. City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob in Wheatland,
Missouri. home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway
and water track, and also home of Hickam's Country
Store, where you can find all your needs, including
a selfie with the green Sinclair dinosaur, and,
yes, for you, Mark, a huge penis. In the Doug
Barnes studio. Why, thank you, Rob. Now, I actually
tripped over his penis when I was down there
one time. Yeah, it's huge. I did, too. Yeah,
I know. It just kind of like, Goes on the sidewalk
and just kind of hangs over. And, you know, sometimes
you're not paying attention and you trip on his
wiener. It's pretty bad. All right. I skinned
my knee and my elbow because of his huge penis.
Not good. All right. Submerged party cove yacht
from 1987 finally recovered at Lake of the Ozarks.
After nearly four decades resting at the bottom
near Party Cove, a neon -trimmed 1987 houseboat
was lifted from the depths this week by a crane
barge, stunning onlookers and reawakening what
locals are calling the most legendary raft -up
of all time. Divers say the vessel appeared to
have sunk during what witnesses described back
then as an aggressively enthusiastic gathering.
Yeah, in other words, they were partying. They
were doing coke off of hookers' asses and do
what? Dating back that far, I almost guarantee
you that was mile marker 7. Oh, is that where
the big stuff went? It's been at 7, it's been
at 14, and now it's at the local. No. Okay. I'm
guessing that was probably tomorrow, March 7th.
I don't know. I'm just guessing because I know
the area. I know the history. Okay. Well, okay,
the aggressively enthusiastic gathering was pretty
much code for a huge fucking party. Inside, crews
reportedly found four unopened cases of Bush,
a waterlogged cassette labeled Summer 89 Bangers,
A mullet wig duct taped to the captain's chair.
And a laminated sign reading, no rules after
sunset. You know what? If there was a 90 or 89,
90, yeah, that might be the 14. Okay. That might
be the 14. Because I started going down there
like 91. And it was already at the 14th, but
it had just moved. So, yeah. It could have been
the 14th. It's one of the two. Okay. This legendary
neon yacht is finally up. They brought it up.
But one longtime Cove regular summed it up simply.
Different times, less rules, more Aquanet. I
think he's right. And as far as that mullet wig,
that's awesome. And it was taped to the captain's
wheel. So they were in there doing blows off
of hookers' asses and fucking smashing fucking
bushes. Yeah, yep. That sounds like the late
80s, doesn't it? Oh, definitely. Definitely.
I knew a few of them. Oh, well, yeah, I may have
partaked in a couple. I cannot confirm that,
so, you know. I'm kind of like the Clintons on
stand. I don't remember. I don't remember. I
don't remember. Funny how you can write all these
books and make all this money off of it and do
all these speeches about your time in office
and other things, but you can't remember what
happened on an island. Hmm. How weird. Anyhow,
Rob, let's go to you. Francis had been bringing
something to my attention. We're into conspiracy
theories. Okay. I love them myself. Most of them
turn out to be true, by the way. Well, this started
off with a rash of Bigfoot sightings. Oh, okay.
And you can look this up. There were eight sightings
right around March 10th. Okay. That were recorded
online. I forget the guy that did it. But yeah,
I mean, there was eight sightings around March
10th. Well, and normally that means something.
The theory is if Bigfoot starts showing itself,
that means something big is about to happen.
Okay. Okay. Well, to some people. Okay. You know
what I mean? And I'm one of those believers.
And this kind of confirms it. That was March
10th, right? Today is March 19th, so Tuesday
was March 17th. That was St. Patrick's Day. Okay.
Well, NASA has confirmed that a loud boom across
northeast Iowa, or Ohio, on Tuesday morning was
a meteor. People around northeast Ohio flooded
Nextar's WJW newsroom with reports of what sounded
like a large explosion that lasted several seconds
just before 9 a .m. and caused homes and businesses
to shake. I remember that story. I read that
story. Yeah, and they have some great video of
it, actually. You think Bigfoot kind of predicted
it because of the surge in his sightings? That's
what people are starting to say. And I believe
it. You know what? It would not surprise me one
bit. Wow. Have you seen the video of that? No,
I haven't. I've not seen the video of the media
work, but I've seen videos of the Bigfoot. Oh,
okay. How were they? A couple of the Bigfoots.
Okay. Well, I've seen some of that, too. And
some of it looks very believable, and some of
it looks like someone did some trickery. So,
I mean, I think... But, yeah, it was like eight
of them within like 24, 48 hours. Sightings.
And then this happens. So, yeah, I believe it.
Okay, cool. All right, Rob, do you want to keep
going? You're the one that's got to work early.
Well, I got to work early, too. But, I mean,
do you want to keep going or are you wanting
to wrap it up? Actually, brother, if you don't
mind, I would. I'm sitting here sweating my ass
off. No, no, no. It's fine. I mean, we've got
over an hour of content and by the time I put
in all the other stuff, it'll be over an hour
and ten minutes and I think that's probably about
okay for a podcast because, like I said, most
people don't listen but 40 minutes and then they
go to another one because the average drive time
is 35 to 40 minutes and then they've also concluded
that most people, They start listening to a podcast.
They don't finish it once they leave their car,
you know, like they get to work. Then when they
come back, they hit another episode rather than
finishing up the one that they had. Right. So
if you go too long, what they're saying is a
lot of it people don't even listen to. So I think
that's about right. So, all right, Rob. Thank
you for joining me again, and we will talk to
you. Always. We'll talk to everybody Sunday night.
And that will be the douchebag gangbang, which
we all love already. So, all right. Thank you,
everybody, for listening. Yes, all you assholes
get Topher back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not us chopped
liver. You guys get Topher. So I hope you guys
are happy. Sheesh. Anyhow. All right. Hey, thanks,
assholes. Have a good night. Good night, assholes.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark
has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.