Hey there, my little sorghum chewers. It's time
for another edition of Dive Bar Man Codes. And
here we go. Number one, the stickier the floor,
the stronger the drinks. You do not ask what's
in the well liquor. You accept it. If the bartender
calls you hun, you're safe. Cash is king. Cards.
are suspicious. The quiet guy at the end of the
bar knows everything. You're not regulars. You
do not ask questions. If the jukebox is present,
you must be used responsibly. Never play more
than two songs in a row. Touching the jukebox
after midnight is a bold move and should probably
not happen. You are listening to Two Douchebags
and Microphone. Alternate universe edition. The
alternate douchebags pledge. Turn up the show
and scream obscenities while flapping your arms
like a chicken. That's it. We keep it simple
in this universe. Three, two, one, and go. Two
douchebags and a microphone? We don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will
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and a microphone? Two douchebags and a microphone
invade your ear holes in... Hey! Who took a dump
in the cooler? Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob.
I'm going to give you some tips for life. Your
mama's so fat, she went out in high heels and
struck oil. Hey there. We all have those annoying
co -workers that do nothing. There's nothing
we can do about it because HR departments are
running scared of lawyers. So we have to work
with these workless pieces of garbage. But we
have to communicate about them without them knowing
about it. Here at Two Douchebags Microphone,
we developed a way that you can speak about them
right in front of them. Without them knowing
about it. Stay tuned. Cordless only works 40
minutes. E .T. always wants to go home. Kit Kat
always taking a break. Muffler always exhausted.
Seaweed floats around all day. Sensor light only
works when someone walks by. Wheelbarrow only
works when pushed. Have you ever wondered what
something is about? Have you ever looked at something
and said, Hey, I wonder what the origin of that
is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you
The Origin Of. This is the story of Dr. Pepper.
Originally made in Morrison's Old Corner Drugstore
in Waco, Texas, the drink's unique flavor was
a hit when it was first sold in 1885. Wade Morrison,
the drugstore owner, named it Dr. Pepper. After
Dr. Charles Pepper, a Virginia doctor who the
father of a girl, Morrison he was once in love
with. You can still go to the Dr. Pepper Museum
and still purchase the original formula with
pure artesian well water and pure cane sugar.
It's quite a treat if you're into Dr. Pepper.
Now I did it right. Okay, this is Two Douchebags
Microphone, the alternate universe edition. So
happy to be here in the alternate universe today.
Me too. What universe did we decide to call this?
Was it Fleemanoid? Yeah, something like that.
Fleemanoid, yeah. If I say it wrong, we won't
ever get back. We did a poll, and people liked
Fleemanoid better. It was almost like 85 % of
people liked that name better than Dipshitville
and Assholicus. And don't forget, Fleemanoid
is spelled with three sevens and a silent Q.
Yes, so, I mean, if someone corrects you, don't
be surprised. So, people are very, very, they're
precise about fleeting knowledge. Yeah. Which
they should be. Yeah. It's a great name like
that. It's a proud alternate universe. It is,
very much so. Oh, and here comes our food. I've
got the goods. Thank you. You're welcome. Yum,
yum, yum. All right. It's kind of slow today
for being St. Patty's Day. Yeah, people are getting
ready to go to the parade and doing all that
stuff. And I had a couple drinkers in here this
morning. Okay. Day drinkers, yeah. They started
out down there, and now they're down there? They
had to pregame, and then, yeah. Might get it
after, too. I don't know how long the parade
lasts, but. Okay. I'm not even sure when it starts.
Yeah, I bet you it will. Yeah, I'm not sure either.
Me neither. Is it going on right now? I think
it's going on now, because there was a couple
in here earlier that were headed to it. Oh, okay.
So, I think probably like 12 o 'clock. Okay.
They used to start it pretty early in the morning,
but I think they just moved it later in the game.
You see, I'm used to, like, the Chiefs parades,
they start down here. The St. Paddy's Day does
not. We were busy Saturday. I was surprised.
That's when a lot of people were celebrating
the St. Paddy's Day on Saturday. Oh, because
a lot of people don't have a day off. And it's
the next Saturday parade, so that was going on.
Oh, yeah, that's right. And we have the current
game. Saturday was a good day. That's good to
hear. City Market Coffee, best coffee in the
world. Not just Kansas City, the world. And even
in the alternate universe. Yes, and their food
is pretty damn righteous too. And even in the
alternate universe one, that's this podcast right
here. Appreciate it. Thank you. You remember
when Mike Murphy was on the radio in Kansas City?
Yeah. I think he was the one who started. the
St. Patrick's Day parade and turned it into what
it is right now. He probably did. Yeah. I mean,
for a lot of his stuff, I mean, he was kind of
like a name -dropper type of guy and all that.
People liked to make fun of him and stuff. But,
I mean, he really wasn't that funny. No, he really
wasn't. Yeah. My parents liked him, which kind
of tells you what... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank
you so much. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. The older
people grew up with him, kind of like Walt Bodine.
Walt Bodine was not funny. No. But, I mean, people
knew him. And for the most of his career, he
was pretty interesting. Mm -hmm. He didn't need
to be funny. Uh -uh. Mike Murphy was, uh, he
was more like a, oh, no, a conspiracy almost.
Yeah. He did a lot of, like, UFO stuff. He did.
Yeah. And it was interesting that it was an AM
morning show, an AM radio station morning show
for the drive time. FM was still kind of out
there. Most people didn't have FM radios. People
are still afraid of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's
right. Let's see. So, and another thing that
just I was reminded of the other day. You know,
AM radio was huge even in the 90s with like Rush
Limbaugh and... Michael Savage. Jim Rohn. Jim
Rohn, yeah. All the sports talk. Yeah. Gonna
hurt to believe that it's where it's at now.
Yeah. Which is almost nothing. Yeah. But you
know, the satellite radio really never had a
chance. Because by the time enough people were
interested in it, you could already stream music.
That's the problem. And that's why a lot of people
jumped off of it. And the money really wasn't
there anymore. Yeah. The fatal flaw for the satellite
radio is it was still somebody else programming
the music, and you had to wait to hear when you
wanted. When streaming, it's like, I want this
one, and then within 30 seconds you're hearing
it. Yeah, and then if you've got a song you don't
like, you can take it off and go, I don't want
to hear this anymore. And then another thing
about satellite is when they came out, they hired
a lot of the big slinging guns. That's right.
I do remember a lot of them moving over to the
satellite. Yeah, but they've slowly been taking
him out, taking him out, taking him out. And
now all they have is Stern, and he's nothing
like he used to be. I think Miami Steve Van Zandt
used to have a show on there. I don't think he
does anymore. No. Tom Morello did. I don't think
he does anymore. I don't think he does either.
About the only one that I ever listen to on that
anymore would be Eddie Trunk. Yeah. and got just
music. And pretty much you knew that it was never
going to catch on when Sirius and XM had to merge.
Yeah, because they were both going bankrupt.
Yeah. It's like, well, let's all get together
and make just one company so we're not fighting
each other. Yeah. And even the Federal Trade
Commission. didn't care that they had a monopoly
on satellite radio. Yeah, they're like, what
monopoly? There's nothing going on. It's like
old technology. It's like everywhere you turn,
they were telling people, yeah, this isn't the
thing to worry about. No. First off, they labeled
it cable radio at first, and that hurt it considerably
because when people heard cable, they thought
that old, really expensive, old model of TV.
Yeah. with commercials. Thank you. Yep. And really,
the sound quality really wasn't there for a long
time. No. I don't know if it still even compares,
but I remember buying a vehicle and getting a
free trial of Sirius XM, and the sound quality
just wasn't very good. No, not at all. It still
goes out, too. Yeah. It's supposed to not, and
it's supposed to be worldwide everywhere. No,
I'll go down to Eureka Springs. There's several
spots in the hills where I have to wait for it
to pop back up. So it's no different than, at
least FM, you can kind of still catch it. It
might be clicky and muddled, but at least it's
still there of some capacity. Satellite radio
just goes away. It's just like, nope. And when
you get in whatever range again, it pops back
up. And there's so much more money being put
into, improving cell phone coverage than there
is to improving satellite radio coverage. So
if you can stream, that's always going to be
a better choice. Well, that's what I was getting
ready to go into. Spotify? I don't care what
the hell it is. Where? It'll cover it. Yep. Satellite
radio? No. So evidently the internet connection
isn't the problem with satellite radio. It's
the satellite itself. And some of the streaming
services have the ability to, wow, their handle
fell off. Yeah, that's what they said. Some of
the streaming services, they monitor your position
of your car with GPS, and if they can tell you're
heading into an area where you're going to lose
coverage, they'll download more of the song to
your car to buffer like about 15, 20 seconds
worth. So you actually do lose coverage, but
you're listening to buffered music. Okay. And
by the time you pop out and get back to coverage,
you've caught up again and you're listening to
the streaming. Okay, that makes sense. But it's
an extra step they take. It's easier and cheaper
than putting another satellite up. Yeah. It's
to just say, all right, well, when he's heading
into this dead area, we'll just load about 30
seconds of the song onto his radio. I think if
you switch channels in the middle of that dead
spot, you'd probably lose it. You're going to
run. Yeah. But either way, it's a good fix. Yeah,
no, I like it because you have no idea. Just
keep going. Everything's fine. Yeah. All right.
Well. Okay. At some point, we'll have to talk
a little about a football. A little bit. Okay.
Well, you want to go through the Justin Fields
signing? Sure. Okay. Personally, I think I like
it, and the reason is it's because. You have
the quarterback whisperer there, Andy Reid. Yep.
You have a guy with plenty of talent. Yep. That
was in probably six different systems. Yeah.
Okay, I think that Andy Reid has a good way of
settling people down. I do too. I think he's
very easily and quickly going to turn Justin
Fields into a good backup. But I think he also
has the potential with some work from Andy. to
be the kind of guy who can go in for a three
or four game stretch if Mahomes can't go. And
the older Mahomes gets, the more likely that
is to happen. No, it is, yeah. So having Justin
Fields there who's, you know, it's one thing
to trust a guy for a series or two, but for a
three or four game stretch, I think Justin Fields
could be that guy. I think so too. Yeah. He's
obviously not the guy. No. You know what, a lot
of it is probably because he's a victim of having
many different coaches and many different systems
and even teams. But I think he's a guy that can
be coached enough where three or four games,
you're all right. Do you know what length of
contract he signed? No, I have not looked that
up. It happened last night, and I've had no time
since then to really look it up. It was just
a one -year deal? Uh -huh. then it's probably
pretty likely that at the end of the season,
well, it was a trade. Yeah. So if it was just
a one -year deal, then likely at the end of the
season he'd be traded to somewhere or dropped
and let go somewhere where he could start. Uh
-huh. Because a year under Andy Reid is going
to raise his value with at least some of the
GMs out there. Well. But if it's a multi -year
deal, then it looks like they're, giving up on
their usual strategy of having a wily, crafty
old veteran as the backup? Because Justin feels
younger. I think maybe Gardner and Minshew kind
of swayed him away from that. I guess so. Yeah.
I think there's something to the fact of someone
that's already been nurtured and taken care of
their whole career and coached to where they're
going to be as to where they could be. The guy
that's already where he's going to be isn't learning
anything from the Holmes really. This is true.
This is true. Justin Fields might learn a lot.
Yeah, yeah. You've got to figure being around
that, it's going to rub off. The attitude, the
skill level, the excitement, the inventiveness.
You're going to pick something up. And he's young
enough. Yeah. Yeah. It really seems like, from
Justin Fields' perspective, there's no downside
to this whatsoever. Oh, no. Because at the end
of this coming year, He's going to have a lot
more value for other teams. I bet you he's happy
as hell for a lot of reasons. Number one, you
get to go to the dynasty, the perennial winner.
Hall of Fame coach, first ballot. Hall of Fame
quarterback, first ballot. Hall of Fame tight
end, first ballot. Hall of Fame defensive coordinator,
first ballot. Yeah. And it's a place where it's
not all on him all at once. No, no. So it's like.
Just learn our system. So the pressure's off.
Yes. And you have Walker III in the backfield.
And a young offensive line, by the time it's
all said and done, I'm not sure who all is going
to be there. But you have a young Josh Simmons
who's learning. You've got Polay who looked pretty
good at times. I mean, you have a nucleus of
something there. And you put in a few key additions,
then it's going to be okay. So, yeah. So I think
that him doing this, coming here, is gonna be
a really good thing for him. And I'll bet you
anything, when he heard that, he probably, if
he's got a wife, called her up and go, hey, guess
where I'm going? Yeah. Or guess where we're going?
Yeah. Yeah. And I did read last night that Leo
Chanel is gone. Yeah, he is, damn it. I liked
him. I did too. He made key plays. The number
one one was the Baltimore Ravens game that we're
going to lose because the guy was running in.
Who was it? The guy just got done taunting him.
Oh, yeah. He had jumped up and, like, pushed
him down and pretty much told him, that's what
you get, boy. Yep. Then when he's at the goal
line stretching out, Chanel punched that ball
out. And the funny thing is that Chanel never
said a thing to him. No. He just kind of like,
that's what I do. Yep. You mouthed off. I win
fucking games. Because you know everybody else
is going to run up and tell him, hey, that's
the guy you taunted. So the word will get there.
I bet you John Harbaugh fucking chewed his ass
for hours after that, wouldn't you? I would,
yeah. You don't stir something up in the other
team. You don't get them all riled up. That was
just bad for them all the way around. I think
Andy continues to be the kind of coach that if
he's got a player, that you can afford to do
without and the player has an opportunity to
do better somewhere else, he'll let them go.
Yeah. And that comes back to the Chiefs because
players are more likely to come here if they
think this isn't going to be the end for me.
Yeah. Maybe I can go there for a couple, three
years and go somewhere else. I've got a question
for you along those lines. Yeah. Okay. Baltimore
Ravens and they're backing out of Max Crosby.
Mm -hmm. How's that look? Forgive me. Players
are going to go, I don't want to go there. I
don't want to go there. They screwed him over
big time. They really kind of did. Yep. As most
people know, in the NFL, if they want you on
the team, they'll find a way to make you pass
the physical. And if they don't want you, they'll
find a way to fail you on your physical. Well,
when they found out they could sign Hendrickson,
that was it. Yeah. So I think it was kind of
clearly a case of. You were settling for your
second choice, and then your first choice comes
available, so you dump the one you were already
paying. Well, they didn't have to give up anything.
All they had to do was sign it. Yeah. That was
the thing. Yeah. Now, I think most teams know
that there really isn't anything wrong with Max
Crosby. It was just a way to get out of the deal.
And that's what they're saying, too. All the
NFL pretty much is saying that one's dirty. Yeah.
So he's going to be. extra fired up to play against
the Ravens anytime he has a chance. Oh, yeah.
Yep. The thing that sucks is he's still in our
division, hasn't now. And we're not getting him.
That's not our – I hear all these people going,
sign him. That's not what we do. No, we don't
pay for our defensive people. We only pay for
Chris Jones, Carl Loftus. Only certain ones that
we think are the key opponents. Yeah. Other than
that, the cornerbacks, the safeties, even the
defensive ends. We don't pay for them. We just
go ahead and draft them. They let Frank Clark
go. Yeah, that's true. And everybody was mad
about that. Everybody was all up in arms. And
our defense actually got statistically better,
which is insane because Frank Clark was so good.
But they figured it out. They're like, this guy's
getting older. And when he moved on back to Seattle,
he wasn't productive. He wasn't nearly. No. Of
course, changing system has part to do with that.
Yeah, but, I mean, they identified. A player
getting old on the vine. Yeah. And I think that's
why you had such a turnaround this year. They
identified the players. Yeah. Yeah. The ones
looking tired, the ones looking worn out, the
ones dragging themselves on and off the field.
Yeah. And probably the ones that weren't that
dedicated, too. Yeah. You're not going to hear
them, but that's what's going on, too. Oh, yeah.
They're going to be like, well, so -and -so's
not really – he doesn't act like his heart's
in it. So they're just like, you know what, let's
see who will trade for him or let him go, don't
resign him. Yeah. And do you think Legereus Sneed
has a shot at getting back with us or not? Because
he was let go from the Titans. It's important
to note that he's had legal problems and injuries
ever since he's left the Chiefs. That's true.
And there is a league minimum that you can pay
him. Yes. Based on being a cornerback and his
number of years in the league, he might not even
be worth his league minimum. Yeah, because they
cut him out of his contract to save money. So
I think whoever picks him up is going to be liable
for a decent amount. And I think that would prevent
the Chiefs more than anything. But also the fact
that I think they identified that he might have
future legal problems. And that's another reason
they're like, don't re -sign him. Let's trade
him. His trade value is high. Get him out of
here. And it's a good time to do it in Tennessee
because you're a new coach, new attitude, and
they changed their logo. Yeah, barely. Yeah,
it's now just a circle with a T and three stars,
and the little flamey parts are gone, the dark
colors are gone. I know, I was just kind of like,
when I first looked at it, I'm like, what'd they
change? Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, all right. It's
like, you know, they acted like it was like a
whole new makeover, and it's like, that's it?
Are you sure that's it? Yeah, yeah, that's it.
It's enough to make people buy new merchandise.
That's it. That's all they care about. That's
all they care about. All right. I have a corporate
spy movie edition of code names for people that
are worthless at work, but you can't talk about
them freely in front of them, so you have to
have code names. So I have a list of code names,
and this is called the corporate spy movie edition
of these code names. This will be good. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I've got a bunch of these little lists
here that I got. Okay. Agent 404. I think I have
an idea on this one. Resource not found. Productivity
also not found. I love that one. 404 is the famous.
Anybody that's been on a computer for any amount
of time at all knows that 404 means you're dicked.
That's it. You're done. It's like, ugh. Nothing
here. Yeah. Okay. I've even seen that used as
a reference in movie and TV shows. They'll show
you a hotel room and the door number is 404.
And you think, oh, something bad's going to happen
in there. No, no, no. It's just like, I don't
know if the younger folk will know this or not,
but hotels do not have a 13th floor. No. Because
for years, fires breaking out were only broke
out in the 13th floor and many people usually
died in these fires, in these large. high -rise
hotels yeah and there is like it went on for
quite a while late 70s 80s for a while finally
they quit putting in the 13th floor it stopped
for whatever reason I know a lot of hotels in
Vegas over the years they would either have a
13th floor and it was vacant or they wouldn't
even have a 13th floor what was actually the
13th floor they call the 14th Yes, yeah. So that
way was, you know, it's still the 13th floor.
You were just calling them. Oh, no, all of them
do that because I've counted. You know, it's
easy to count in an elevator, and this one place
we go to down in Florida, High Rise, it's about
a 23 -story building. I can count them really
easily, and it's like we're on the 13th floor,
but they called it the 14th. Yeah. And I was
like, okay, I get it now. There's not a boiler
room there or nothing. No, it is actually, it's
the 13th floor, but they don't label it as such.
So the next one, the placeholder. So the title
here would be temporarily here since 2017 when
they got hired or whatever. So next one would
be Operation Deadweight. The mission to contribute
nothing. I like that one. Yeah, when I saw the
corporate edition online, the corporate spy movie
edition, I'm like, okay, this is going to be
worth looking at. And like all of them, some
of them are great, some of them are fair. But
you know what? We're going to go through them
anyhow, right? It looks like you found something
already. Go ahead. It's vaporware. Vaporware.
Yeah. It's an employee that just doesn't show
up most of the time. Yeah. You hire them and
they're gone more than they're theirs. Or another
movie, you can put it to MIA. Yeah. Missing Action.
Yeah. Vaporware. How about The Human CC? Oh,
yeah. Yeah. Present in every email but adds nothing.
In other words, color copy. You know, whenever
you're on an email and it says CC color copy,
then that means that it's to go to that person.
Yeah, and I know a lot of people like that too.
Their name's everywhere, but you don't see them
ever doing anything. It's like, how did they
get on this email? Do they have like some sort
of a program there? Do they have some sort of
a software that just... automatically throws
their name on all the emails. It makes you wonder.
It's like, because they're never busy, how do
they have time? It doesn't even look like they
spend enough time to insert their name in an
email. Yeah. The next one would be agent buffering.
And still processing simple tasks, of course.
Oh, I love this next one, and everybody should
know. The consultant speaks in jargon, Produces
a lot. Yes. Yep. Oh, yeah. A lot of vague doublespeak.
Yes. Yep. The ones with the inspirational quotes.
Yep. Well, you know what they say. And everyone
by that time already turned their ears off and
are walking away. Yeah. And it's like, I used
to always go to people like that. I go, I never
heard that. Where'd you hear that at? And I'd
look around and people would join me. They'd
go, what? What was it? That doesn't make sense.
Even if it did, you still said, that doesn't
make a lot of sense. And then if you dissect
anything, you could pick it apart and make it
sound horrible. Yep. I remember back in the 90s,
computers were still fairly simple, especially
compared to today. Not DOS, but you're talking
about 95 or something? Yeah. NT? Or earlier than
that, even DOS computers. Even DOS, okay. It
was really easy to create a random sentence generator
because you would give it the parts of a bunch
of different sentences or a bunch of words. and
say, okay, this database is full of nouns, this
database is full of verbs, this one's full of
adjectives, etc. And then you just write a simple
program to just pick and choose and put things
together. And someone came up with one that would
create papers in business jargon out of just
random pieces. So no one actually had to write
this. They just filled it full of business jargon
words, and the program would assemble this entire
8 -10 page paper. about something. And none of
it made any sense. It was all doublespeak and
confusing and weird. But they submitted it to
a competition on business reports and they won.
Because nobody would admit that they didn't understand
it. Oh, that's funnier than hell. So they just
voted. It's like, oh, I don't understand this.
It must be good. So they just voted it the winner.
See, even these corporate doublespeak guys, they
know it doesn't mean anything. Oh, no, no, no.
No, it's like the say -too -much guy. I piss
Val off all the time. We'll be done with something.
I'll go, well, I guess that's just the way that's
going to have to go, just like that, like that.
It's going to be probably just like that. We're
just going to leave it right. And she'll just
go, shut up! Very close to it. Got to have the
last word guy. Yeah, yes. Well, actually, it's
the same guy. Yeah. Or gibberish man or something
like that, you know, where you're just like,
blah, blah, blah. Or the one that no matter who's
talking about what, they have to contribute.
Yes, yeah. They'll run across the room and crash
your door open in order to contribute to a conversation
that has nothing to do with them. Yeah, and then
it's like, what did they even mean? Half the
time, you know, they misunderstood it or only
heard half of it. And people are like over there
going, you know. So, yeah. Yeah, so, all right,
the next one would be project delay. Wherever
they go, deadlines follow. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah,
we know that guy. How about the attache or the
attachee? Oh. All right. Attached to the team
but unclear why. We all know those guys. We all
know those guys. It's like they used to do at
my old place when they used to send me out of
town. Yeah. It was worthless. Send them a remark.
Go send them on the East Coast. Sometimes those
guys are corporate spies for management. Oh,
I bet some of them were, yeah. That's why management
didn't like me. I got to be pretty much the unofficial
trainer when I worked at the post office. They'd
get a new employee, they'd send them out with
me. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. I usually made
for a pretty long day. Oh, I bet. There was one
person I remember, he seemed to know too much
already, but he couldn't do the work. He didn't
know how to walk, but he knew a lot of the terms
and processes already. Yeah, he screwed up. And
then he asked a ton of questions that had nothing
to do with the job, and had nothing to do with
the culture at work, and how I felt about things.
It's like, you're a secret shopper. Did you tell
him that or did you just play? I just started
playing dumb. Once I figured out who and what
he was, he was probably a supervisor from Shawnee
Mission or Olathe or something. Someone we wouldn't
recognize. Just bring him in and pretend he's
a new hire. Could have made a bunch of shit up
that wasn't true. I just basically played dumb
for the rest of the time. Yeah, I just do my
job. I don't know what goes on there. But I did
make sure to tell my union steward, who coincidentally
had a day off that day because he probably wouldn't
have recognized him. He probably knew exactly
who he was. He didn't want anything to do with
it, so he's like, okay, do it tomorrow. I'm off.
Yeah. Or no, they waited until it was the steward's
day off to maintain the cover. Oh, because the
steward would have told you and said, hey, you
know, this guy's a spy. Okay, I get it. I get
it. Yeah, so they had to sneak it by the union.
Okay. The wildlife. The wildlife documentary
edition. The sloth. Moving slowly, but somehow
still exhausting to watch. Oh, yeah. The slow
movers are the most exhausting to watch. It is.
Because you're wishing them over there. You're
like, okay, come on. Okay, you're almost. Almost.
Oh, oh, oh. No, no, no. It is so annoying. You
slow down a little. It is so annoying. Yeah,
yeah. Your workstation is just two feet away.
Is it that? Yeah. You're sitting there with your
mind trying to transport them over there. Yes.
And their hands moving or something. How about
the office panda? Everyone likes them, but they're
not built for survival. No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the old friendly guy. Hey! And it's like,
what does he do? I'm not sure. Yeah. And when
everybody goes to a merit -based pay system,
suddenly he's broke and they fire him. Yeah,
yep. Because he isn't doing anything. Yeah, it's
like, oh. Yeah, yeah, instead of a salary. That's
true. Like commission or something. Oh, yeah,
that would be another one. Oh, yeah. How about,
oh, I like the title of this, The Barnacle. Oh.
Yes. Permanently attached to productive coworkers.
You could say hemorrhoid, too. Hemorrhoid, too.
Barnacle, hemorrhoid, either one. Yeah. Yeah,
they just attach and just coast. Yeah. They're
like the remora. That's that fish. The remora,
yeah. They hang on to the shark, and when the
shark is eating, it detaches and eats all the
little leftovers because it can't look for itself.
Yeah. I mean, actually pretty smart. Yeah. All
right. Okay, I get that. The barnacle, I like
that one. How about the conference room pigeon?
Oh. Appears only when food is present. I love
that. I wondered where that was going. That's
awesome. There's donuts in the break room. I'm
going. That's awesome. Done. Check mark. I was
thinking maybe stool pigeon. No, your version
is better. It's like ringing the dinner bell.
Yeah. I didn't write these, of course. I got
these off the internet. And that's why I do these.
Because sometimes they're gems. Sometimes they
suck horrible. But they're fun to do. They are.
And then the corporate koala. Sleeps 18 hours
and eats company resources. I like that one,
too. That one is really good. That's a good one.
All right. I have some other stuff. I have some,
let's see, I have a lot of music creep stuff.
We can talk a little bit about the free agency
moves around the league. Yeah, let's do it. Okay.
From a personal perspective, from a Chiefs fan,
we lost Trent McDuffie and Jalen Watson to the
Rams. There goes a big chunk of our secondary.
It makes me wonder if they're going to have buyer's
remorse for those huge contracts. I imagine.
Yeah. Look, I think they're still good. But they're
paying them for what they did, and I don't know
if they're paying them for what they're going
to do. We'll see. The Chiefs have been really
good about recognizing it, like maybe they're
going to be losing a step. Yeah. So right now
I'm going to kind of trust the Chiefs. Besides
that, they couldn't afford him anyhow, so it
didn't matter. But go ahead. And the Chiefs have
an ability to train up defensive backs. Yeah.
So we can draft somebody, train them up to replace,
whereas a lot of these other teams, they just
can't do that. So they've got to go find somebody
who's already good. Yeah. So we wind up being
the training facility for the rest of the league's
corners. Yeah. The Bills signed Bradley Chubb.
Oh, they did? That's about all I've heard of
out of the Bills. Okay, yeah, they have not had
a very productive offseason by any measure. And
I think they're kind of viewing this season maybe
as a down season. It looks, from so far, it looks
like they're expecting just a, you know, call
it a rebuilding year, getting used to it year,
reset year, whatever the term they want to use.
But, yeah, it doesn't look like the Bills are
planning on making any kind of push. I mean,
I read Chubb's numbers over the last four years
to you last week. And they were nothing. They're
okay. I mean, he's a name. Yeah. I think that's
part of the reason they signed him is he's a
name that will make people buy tickets. I think
you're right. They have that new stadium going
in, which keeps getting graffitied. Yeah. In
which you have to buy a seating license for before
you can actually buy the ticket. I get people
being pissed. There's going to be buyer's remorse
here in Kansas City, too. Yeah. About 90 % of
the people out in the Bills parking lot partying
and tailgating and stuff aren't going to be able
to afford a new stadium. No, no, the Bills, Mothia,
Hammond, Eggers, which is most of them, no, they're
not going to be able to do it. And? Bills organization
is okay with that apparently. Yeah. The Ravens
get Trey Hendrickson. Just fell right into their
lap. Yeah. Isn't that funny? He held up the Bengals
for so much money and then got injured, and now
he's saying goodbye. I know, I know, I know.
Why would you want a guy like that? No, they
didn't. They didn't, evidently. They let him
walk. No, yeah, he held them for ransom. He did
it kind of like Chris Jones did. And I'm not
bagging what he's doing. Everyone has a right
to make as much money as they can. And, you know,
all of us are the same way. You want to feed
your family. You want to make sure your great
-grandkids have money because of you. So I get
that. But he did it at the last moment, kind
of like Jones did, where like, well, I don't
know if I'm going to play or not, honestly, you
know, because I need that big contract to feed
my family, you know. And that's kind of what
Hendrickson did last year. And then he proceeded
to get injured and be out all year. And now he's
with the Ravens. And then that's where the Ravens
done pretty much the Raiders, Max Crosby, actually
everybody dirty. because they were supposed to
take Max Crosby, and then they found out that
Hendrickson was floating around there, and they
could hire him, and they're like, you know, they
found a way to get out of it. It's like on your
way to the church to get married, you go on a
blind date and think, hey, this is working out.
Yeah. Hey, all right, let's just go ahead and
get married. What could possibly go wrong? Or
not a blind date, your best friend's ex -wife.
Oh. You'll understand. He'll be fine with it.
Sure, I'll cancel my wedding for this. Yeah,
that's great. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Yeah. I think if I were a Ravens fan, I would
have lost a lot of confidence in the team right
now. Me too. Trey's probably going to do really
well and be a great addition to the team, but
they've kind of shown you what kind of people
they are. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think that it's
going to be harder and harder for them to trade
with people now because they're going to go,
isn't that the team that – Uh -huh. Yeah. Backed
out last second and screwed everyone over. Yeah,
that's going to make people think twice. I'm
sure the Raiders already had plans for what they
were going to do with the draft picks they were
going to get. Oh, I'm sure they did too. Yeah.
Not like I have sympathy for them. No, not really.
The Niners picked up Mike Evans from the Buccaneers.
Oh, yeah, I saw that. Is there anything left
in the tank, you think? Probably a little bit.
I think he'll do well in the system. They picked
up Christian McCaffrey from the Panthers a couple
years back, and they've gotten way more out of
him than I thought they ever would. I look at
the same thing. I think Evans will do well. He's
probably not quite a 1 ,000 -yard receiver right
now, but they get 800 yards out of him. I'm saying,
you know, they didn't sign him for that much.
And he'll draw at least the second -best corner
on the other team. Exactly, and that's why he's
there. If not the best. You've got McCaffrey,
and they don't have Iook anymore. He's gone,
isn't he? Yeah. I mean, he kind of like flipped
out, didn't he? He got injured and then just.
Yeah, I think there was some emotional and personal
problems that surfaced that we didn't hear too
much about. Yeah. A whole lot of it wasn't to
do with football. Yeah, that's what I kind of
read into it also. All right, go ahead. The Texans,
they traded for running back Montgomery from
the Lions. Yeah, and I think that's a good move
for the Texans and a good move for the Lions.
The Lions have a – oh, shit, I forgot his name.
The guy that they keep comparing to Barry Sanders,
which is not ridiculous. Yeah, I know who you're
talking about, but I'm blanking on the name,
the Texans running back. A guy that can catch.
He can catch and he can run. He's a really good
running back. And Montgomery, I mean, yeah, he
could have helped them. But I think they need
more, you know, they need draft picks. They need
to start. Last season was so abysmal for them,
they need to do something. Yeah, yeah. I'm just
trying to think from Lyon's perspective. They
let go of Montgomery and got some draft picks,
and they replaced Montgomery with Pacheco. That's
not really an upgrade. Okay, I was going to get
into that here in a little bit. Yeah, no. And
the thing is, is all the excitement. Did you
see the excitement about getting him? Yeah. I'm
like, have you not seen what he's done? Yeah,
he hasn't been much of a factor the last season
or two. No, I mean, look, I mean, I think if
he didn't get that knee injury and he was a little
bit bigger build, he would have been great. But
the fact is, is. He was never able to support
that style of running, and it showed up immediately.
Not later, but immediately. You know what I keep
thinking about Pacheco is when Christian Okoye
was on the team. Yes. Big old number 35, the
Nigerian nightmare. I loved watching him play.
I loved watching him too. I loved watching people
try to stop him. Yes. But people figured out
he couldn't go side to side. He couldn't cut
back. He could only run straight ahead. So they
figured him out and neutralized him. He could
still do everything he used to be able to do.
They just wouldn't let him. No, I know. I think
Pacheco's the same way. I think you're right.
He's going to get figured out really quick and
he'll be a non -factor. Yeah, they're going to
have buyer's remorse. He'll beat himself up trying
to get yards where there aren't any and get injured
again. Get injured again, yeah. That's kind of
going to be Pacheco's career, I think. That's
fine with me. Because he's on another team. Yep.
Let him. He gets to do it his way if he wants
to. Yep. The Steelers pick up Michael Pittman
Jr. So certainly they have an awesome receiver.
Yes, that was really good. Supposedly Aaron Rodgers
wants to come back because he likes Mike McCarthy.
Yeah. And Mike McCarthy, he won a Super Bowl
and has the same record as Mike Tomlin, almost
identical. Yeah. Only he gets a lot of grief.
Mike Tomlin gets held up as one of the best.
I don't know how that happens, even me. I didn't
think I had much of McCarthy until I read all
the stats. I'm like. No, that guy is pretty good.
Yeah, yeah. How come we never noticed him? Personally,
how come we never noticed him before and not
the rest of the world? I think what happened
is I think people had heavy expectations about
the teams that he went to. That is true. Including
Green Bay when he was still in Green Bay. People
thought he was going to do much more, but I think
the team wasn't quite there. And people are looking
at it going, oh, they got a complete team when
they really didn't because people don't. really
know this. I think some of the assumptions really
hurt him. I also give Tomlin credit because of
the division he was in for all those years. It's
a tough division. You'd always have one down
team every year, but the other two with you in
that division were generally pretty good and
were kicking your ass all season long. It's kind
of like the Western Division in AFC. If the Chiefs
get back to their old form, you have three teams.
that are capable of going well into the playoffs,
if not even make it all the way to the Super
Bowl. And even with the Raiders, even if they're
like 0 -12, they could still rise up and beat
your ass just because they want to. Well, they
did it to us. Yes, they did. Yeah, their team
was horrible. We were the Super Bowl champions,
and they kicked the shit out of us here. Yes,
they did. Yeah. And it used to be no big deal
for a while. I mean, back in the 60s and early
70s, the rivalry was huge. It tapered off, and
then Schottenheimer brought it back. Yeah, he
did. And now I think the Raiders are on board
with it too, and they love to come to Arrowhead
and embarrass us. Oh, they do. But the thing
is, is Schottenheimer used to broadcast how much
he hated them. He wanted the rivalry, and it
was genius. It was. It brought excitement to
this town. People go, this is Raiders week. It
sold a lot of tickets. It's sold out. Even in
seasons where they didn't sell out that many,
the Raiders games were sold out. And then the
Broncos games started selling out no matter what.
or what. Yeah, they did the hype perfectly, and
I credit a lot of that to Marty Schottenheimer.
Yeah. He was a smart man. Now, if he had a quarterback,
I don't know how many Super Bowls he probably
would have won. Yeah. Except when he got a little
bit nutty there at the end, and maybe he had
the Alzheimer's syndrome. Yeah, that might have
started coming in. And that started with that
game plan, when he came in and changed the game
plan the day before the championship game. And
the whole team was like, No, we know how we're
going to beat him. And he made them do something
completely different they weren't comfortable
with. Yeah. The only thing that makes sense is
that his dementia was raising its head. I think
so because then he tried to hire his brother
over in San Diego. And Spanos said, no. He said,
no, no, no, no, no. We don't like Kurt. We don't
think he's a good option. And Schottenheimer's
like, no, I want him on my team. And so Spanos
said, okay. You were 14 -2 and you didn't make
it. Get out of here. Yep. Yeah. Anyhow, I think
a dimension was set in a little bit there. Anyhow,
go ahead. The Panthers, they got Jalen Phillips
away from Philadelphia. He's a pass rusher. Yep.
A pretty good one, too. Yeah, it is. And linebacker
Devin Lloyd as well. Yeah, I like both of those.
Yeah, so Panthers D has pretty much only gotten
better. Yeah, no, I think the Panthers are a
playoff team. Playoffs, again. Yeah, we've got
to bring that back. We haven't been doing it
lately. Well, we haven't been doing a lot of
sports lately. This is true. This is true. Yeah,
okay. Yeah, the Panthers, and this is if Bryce
Young continues to progress. Yeah. I mean, he's
the type of quarterback right now, he'll make
you an incredible play and then be incredibly
pedestrian the next three quarters. Yeah. It's
just, I don't know if he's going to, kind of
like Caleb Williams. Caleb Williams will look.
so fantastic on a play. It's like, how did he
do that? Looked like Mahomes, and then all of
a sudden the rest of the game, it's like, I'm
not that guy anymore. Do you remember the Bills
pass rusher, Bruce Smith? Yes. I remember him
really well. Towards the end of his career, he
started taking plays off. Like about every third
play, he just wouldn't even try. Did you say
Chris Jones? Oh, no, no, no. You said Bruce Smith.
Bruce Smith, yeah. And it got to the point where
the announcers noticed, but they were told not
to say anything about it. Oh, I'm sure. But then
the other team started noticing, and on that
third play, when Bruce Smith was going to take
it easy, they went nuts. And finally, the announcers
started talking about it. It was like, every
third play, man. Well, they couldn't help it.
It was so freaking obvious. Yes. Look, I mean,
he was getting old, and he was hurting. Yeah,
I mean, you know, he probably should have been
taken out. Yeah, he should have been coming out
on those downs. Yeah. But they left him in for
the, ooh, the fear factor of Bruce Smith. Like,
well, then quit doing it every third play like
clockwork. Yeah, it's like switch it up a little
bit. I think that was when Marv Levy was the
coach at Buffalo. Yeah, as good of a college
coach as he was, and I know he went to how many
Super Bowls up there, but didn't win. Went four
and lost them all. Lost every one of them. Good
coach, not so good coach. He's kind of like Schottenheimer
where he would do some questionable stuff. It
would be like, why did he do that? Why did he
get this guy and put him over there? Like the
playoff game that they wouldn't let Dirk Thomas
play. And they said, well, he can't go out in
coverage. He's just one -dimensional. It's like,
who gives a shit? You see that quarterback right
there? When number 58's on the field, he's shitting
his pants. Yes, that's exactly why. He did a
lot of stuff like Marv Levy did. And it's like,
okay, why did he do it like this? Because this
doesn't make a lot of sense. A lot of the knock
on Marv Levy is he's stuck in the past. Yes.
When he was hired by Buffalo. Lenny Dawson nicknamed
him Wing T. Levy. Wing T. Levy, yes. Because
that's an old college formation. Yeah, because
that's what he was really good at. Yep. And then
he tried to bring it to the NFL as the Wildcat.
Yeah. And that didn't work out very well. I mean,
you know, he was behind Steve Fuller. Yeah. Todd
Blackledge, was it? And who was the other one?
No, Bill Kenney was actually pretty good. Yeah,
Bill Kenney was early 80s. Yeah, but he wasn't
there. No, he was gone. Yeah. There was another
one in there. His political career didn't take
off either. No, no. He was what? Was he a representative
for like one term? And then people were like,
man, you know what? You represent about as well
as you play. No, he played football better. Yeah,
he did. Yeah, so. I know Wade Wilson was in there
briefly. Yeah. Steve Pallure. Steve Pallure,
yeah. We had a real revolving door. He had Warren
Mood. Warren Moon, yeah. We had Dave Craig. Dave
Craig. Little Hands. Joe Montana. Joe Montana,
yep. Steve Bonehead. Yeah. Elvis the Pelvis Gerbach.
Yeah, Gerbach. Trent Green, he was a good one.
Trent Green, yeah. And then like Tyler Thigpins
and Matt Castles and fuck, I don't know. Steve
DeBerg. Oh, yeah, DeBerg. He was in there somewhere.
I liked DeBerg. I did like him. He was a tough
-nosed guy. He could win you some games. I delivered
mail with his nephew, Scott DeBerg. Oh, wow.
Real tall guy, had a great big smile just like
Steve did. Really? Because people would ask him,
DeBerg, are you related to Steve? And he says,
yeah, that's my uncle. That's pretty awesome.
I wonder what Steve DeBerg does nowadays. I always
thought he would make an excellent quarterbacks
coach. Me too. I don't think he ever went back
into football, did he? No, not that I know of.
Let's take a little look. He was tough. I mean,
he was a very tough player. Yeah, he was. I loved
watching him. That time he had like a broken
finger where the bone was sticking out. Yeah,
he wasn't leaving. And then he had it wrapped
up and with a cast on it, and he was still playing
the next game, and he was still doing the play
action with that damaged hand. Oh, yeah. He was
so good at the play action, too. Yeah. He's 72
years old. I'm trying to remember what year he
finished playing. It would have been somewhere
in the mid-'80s. Looks to me like he's pretty
much – wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Okay, hey, maybe I found something here. Anyhow,
go ahead with your stuff and I'll try to – Oh,
okay. The Bengals signed edge rusher Boye Mafe.
Don't know that much about him. I think he came
from the Seahawks. Okay. I remember him being
on the Seahawks for a while. But he's a good
pass rusher. And safety Brian Cook, who's been
pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, and that wouldn't surprise
me. I thought they were going to be able to retain
Cook. I don't think he's going to take out much
money, but maybe there was just too many bidders.
So they're like, okay. And then the Falcons signed
Tua. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's automatically
the starter. Yeah. And Kyler Murray signed in
Minnesota, and he's automatically the starter.
Automatically the starter. And what are these
two things in common? The drafted quarterback,
highly drafted quarterback, did not do what they
thought he was going to do. He failed. Yeah.
Yeah. So it has to be Michael Penix Jr. and McCarthy.
McCarthy, J .J. McCarthy. Neither one of them
did what. Very good. So they're going back and
retreads, basically. And, you know, I'm beginning
to understand why the Chiefs wouldn't draft a
quarterback in the first round for so long. I
mean, between Todd Blackledge and Patrick Mahomes,
there was nobody. No, I know. Nobody. We drafted
people like Matt Blunden. Yeah. There's other
better names, but if people remember Matt Blunden,
he was like 6 '5". No, I think he's 6 '7", maybe.
He was huge. 6 '6", 6 '7", yeah. And he could
throw a rocket, but not under pressure. No. Under
pressure, he couldn't do shit. Yeah. He always
struck me as, once he gets back in the pocket
and sets up, he's done. Yes. He has to throw
the ball from there. If he has to move and scramble,
he just falls over. Yeah. He just can't unlock
and go. If there's so much thing as being too
big, he would be in that category. And he couldn't
scramble worth a damn because he was too big.
Yeah. Yeah, so. He would have worked really well
someplace with just a flawless offensive line
that kept everyone off him forever. But that
wasn't us. Yeah. I mean, we did have a great
offensive line, but, I mean, it just, okay. And
then I think a lot of it was just the coaching
wasn't there for the quarterbacks. Yeah. Just
all kinds of stuff. Yeah. Well, up until Schottenheimer
was hired in, what was it, 89? Yeah, 1989. Yeah.
Up until then, Jack Stedman was running the team.
That was the big problem because he was a numbers
guy, but he was not a football guy. No. He ran
the Hunt family businesses, you know, the silver
business and the Worlds of Fun and other businesses.
He had no clue about football. No. But Hunt put
him in charge of the team, and he ran it. like
a business to make a profit, but that's it. That's
it, yeah, and it showed. And for a while that
was okay with most of Kansas City. They're like,
well, we had one Super Bowl way back when. We'll
live on that. But then they started seeing all
these other teams making so much more money by
having success, and that's when Lamar Smith said,
yeah, this ain't good enough anymore. I'm hiring
a real football guy, and he's going to take us
into territory where everyone else is, and we're
going to get our share of that money. First thing
they did was, in 1988, they drafted Neil Smith.
In 1989, they drafted Derek Thomas. And then
they were on the hunt for a really good quarterback,
which they really kind of... They never did get
one. Yeah, yeah, never really did get one. The
fact that we kept changing quarterbacks means
they never found a really good one. That's exactly
right. So, anyhow, you got another name on there?
I think that was it. Okay, well... I have some
bullet points. I love the bullet points. Okay.
Can you do a sound effect for that? Okay. All
right. There we go. Let's try to remember that.
Okay. All right. Okay. Well, we kind of answered
this, but I didn't know we were going to talk
about it right off the bat. But Chiefs signed
Justin Fields. Will he be productive with the
Chiefs? I think he really will be. I think he
will, too. He'll be a different enough quarterback
from Mahomes. And especially if he starts the
first one, two, or three games, that's going
to give a lot of the other teams something to
think about. And then when Mahomes comes in,
every other team has to shift gears. Like, all
right, now they're the Chiefs again. But then
they don't know how Mahomes is after his injury.
How fast do you think Mahomes is on the phone
to him? Oh. They've probably already had lots
of video calls. I bet they did too. And I'll
bet you Mahomes was probably a part of this and
said, you know, I think I could help this guy
and coach him up a little bit and maybe we can
get him to. I love it that that's part of his
personality is that he wants to help everyone
else on the team get better. Well, I mean, he
learned from the best, Alex Smith. Yeah. Alex
Smith was a selfless. a non -ego guy that would
he didn't care he knew his you know he knew this
guy was going to replace him if he did well but
he still trained him as good as he could and
alex smith knew he was being taken care of yeah
and he didn't have to fight or compete or anything
it's just like hey i'm getting paid i'm getting
you know this is all great why aren't i why am
i not gonna help them yeah No, that's true. And,
I mean, yeah, he did a great thing for us, but,
I mean, that's his nature. Not everybody's nature
is like that. No, unfortunately. All right, the
Wildcat could be in play with quarterback like
Fields. What's your thoughts? Yeah. It's not
our mainstay, so who cares? It's not a Marv Levy
where that's predominantly what they want to
do. Yeah, and with Justin, he's better at that,
and he's not our – franchise quarterback, so
I guess I'm willing to let him risk injury a
little more. Well, you toss the ball to him,
he's got the option then. Number one, he's five,
six, seven yards away. All the linemen are going
towards Mahomes. He tosses it over there if they're
both in on the same package, which is very possible.
Toss it to him. He's got a guy way downfield.
He's got a guy right next to him. Yeah, put Justin
Fields in the slot. Exactly. And with the ball
snapped, have him back up like five yards so
it's a backwards pass. Yeah. Make sure of that,
yeah. And then he's got his bailout guy, and
then he's got his guy downfield. And then you
wait until the defense adjusts to that. Yes.
And every time you put Fields in, that splits
the pass rush. Yes. And now Mahomes can make
some decisions. Now Mahomes just kills him. Yep.
I think whoever thought of this, if this goes
right and everybody's healthy and everything,
this could be lethal. It really can. Done right,
yeah. You know, while everyone else is getting
defensive ends, Andy Reid and Brett Veach are
going, let's make our offense better. Yeah. Let's
make it a lot better. Yeah. Yeah, it's already
been shown that it's kind of tough to score on
the Chiefs. Yeah. So let's have the Chiefs get
to where they score 35 points a game. And we
give up 19. We're going to win. I think that's
the whole thought process. Everybody's following
the Philadelphia -Seattle blueprint right now.
And I think the Chiefs are like, you know what?
No, no, no. We're going to go with what we know.
And that's the smart thing to do, too. It really
is. My admiration and respect for Andy Breed's
mind just keeps growing. He's one of those guys
where, like, if they let him, they need to study
his brain, you know, after he passes. How come
this guy was so far advanced? He'll have, like,
a whole separate lobe of his brain that just
says football knowledge. Yeah, that's what they
need to look at. So, all right, so we think that's
going to be a good thing. Yeah. All right. Will
Russell Wilson land another job in the NFL? And
I mean all the NFL. I'm talking about like a
broadcaster. I think so too. I think he might
end up in the broadcasting booth or an on -field
reporter. I wouldn't be surprised to see him
on somebody's roster this season. I wouldn't
either as a safety kind of like, you know, let's
just have him there, you know, and if we really
need him, we'll throw him out there. If not,
then, you know, he's good security. I wouldn't
put him past the Dolphins. because they moved
on from Tua, so they're breaking into new starting
quarterbacks. They've got that young guy they're
really high on. I forgot his name. But bring
Russell Wilson in as a mentor, a tutor, someone
who you can bring in for a couple series to give
your young guy a break if he's getting overwhelmed.
I think Russell Wilson would fit decently. And
the thing is he would have to do it now. Before
he wouldn't do it, now he's got to have to. For
what I understand, he wouldn't. Denver's celebrating
because the last of his cap hit has fallen off.
That's it, yeah. They're totally free from the
Russell Wilson contract now. Hey, they quietly
turned their program around owing money. They
did a great job. And now it's what the bills
are in, salary cap hell. I know, yeah. That's
such a shame because they don't have a team to
show for it, do they? No, they don't. But that's
usually how it goes. You're up to your eyeballs
in salary cap debt, but the people you sign just
aren't there anymore. Yeah, and I don't think
that Josh Allen's contract was that friendly
to him either. Probably not. I've never heard
anything about him trying to figure out the numbers
or anything. Just kind of like, okay, here's
your new money. And that was it. So that might
be a problem, too. I don't know about their finances.
I imagine a lot of players, when it comes contract
time, they look at the actual numbers of how
much money the team is making, and they say,
you can absolutely afford to pay me this. You
just don't want to. But I'm going to make you
pay me this. I'm not going to negotiate for labor.
A lot of it, I do believe, is pride more than
it is, oh. I can get $2 million. You hear too
much of, I want to be the highest paid. Yeah.
You know, that kind of a thought doesn't come
from looking at her wallet. That kind of a thought
comes from pounding your chest and going, I'm
the highest paid offensive line, you know. Yeah.
For a while, the 49ers were spending money like
they were printing it in the basement. Yeah.
They probably were. Yeah. But with the Chiefs,
I think the – The Bartlows own them? They did.
Oh, they donated? Yeah. The main DiBartolo guy
got into a lot of legal trouble and was forced
out. That's exactly who I was talking about.
Okay, all right. Forget it. Forget it. I think
he turned it over to his sister, but that didn't
quite work either. Okay. But I think the Chiefs
players who renegotiate their contract realize
that the Chiefs are only going to spend so much.
Even though they're making a crap ton of money,
they've got a budget for the team. It's like,
uh -uh. We're making all this extra money. That's
none of your business. Well, I got a question.
So if you want to have a winning team on the
Chiefs, you renegotiate knowing that they aren't
going to pay you anyway. But with a team like
the Bills or the Cowboys or the Raiders, why
not hold them up? They're going to pay if they
want to. Oh, yeah. I got a question for you.
This isn't on bullet points, but it kind of led
me to this or talking. Okay, you think Karloftis
is going to be a much better edge rusher once
we get this other guy? Supposedly number nine,
we can get this guy from Miami, the edge rusher
there. It's really highly touted. They're like,
this guy is legit. I forgot his name. I have
it here somewhere, but I'll have to look through
it. Do you think that's going to help Karloftis
become that guy? Maybe not elite, but maybe 12.
Yeah, I really think so. And then we got a new
D -tackle named Tonga. Yeah, Tonga is another
one that's going to help. But, yeah, I think
Chris Jones' productivity has fallen off to the
point where it's affecting Karloftis and his
ability to get. Reuben Bain Jr., he's a defensive
end in Miami, and they say he's a hell of an
edge rusher. Bain, just like the Batman movie.
Imagine that on the back of a jersey. Bain, I'll
buy one right now. He's got his nickname already
set. And also his name is a great sandwich. His
first name is a fantastic sandwich. It is. Reuben
Bain Jr. That sounds like a ferocious guy. Yeah.
It's like, who do they have over there on the
defensive? Reuben Bain Jr. Oh, fuck. Oh, man.
Oh, jeez. The Reuben Bain Jr.? Yes, yes. Not
senior. Not the third. Nope, junior. Yeah. We
have the third. That's why. No, no, I think,
I mean, whoever the Chiefs get, excuse me, as
a pass rusher, I want them to put that person
in direct competition with Chris Jones. Yes.
And then see if Chris Jones can respond and step
up his game again, and if he can't, bye -bye.
No, you don't move him. You don't move him. You
see what he can still do. Yeah. And if he dropped
off that much, then he's simply not going to
play that much. Yeah. Yeah, you don't, like,
experiment with him. I agree with you. It's just
like, here, can you still do what you did? We're
going to give you a little competition, and we're
going to see if you can. Yeah. It is kind of
annoying to see all the people on Facebook posting,
gushing like crazy over the wrong move. Everybody
was wanting them to draft the running back with
our first number one pick. And then I realized,
okay, number one, a lot of these aren't all that
much of a Chiefs fan. They just are bandwagon
because it's fun. And number two, a lot of them
are fake posts trying to piss me off. Trying
to piss you off, yep. A lot of them are just
harvesting information. They'll put something
out there to where people will react and then
they'll go, okay, let's see if this guy's got
an email address. Oh yeah, there it is. Yeah,
they can tell a lot about you. The algorithm
can tell a lot about you from your angry response.
And they know exactly who you are on Facebook,
and they track you right down. It's like, all
right, let's start feeding this account all sorts
of stuff that's been driving them crazy. The
most famous ones are the political ones. And
they know who they can sell to. They can tell
if you're an NRA guy, and they start sending
you AK stuff on ARs. Something I got for a while
is because I'd done a story about dating profiles
and unrealistic dating profiles. I don't think
I ever did it on the show. But for a while there,
my Facebook feed was flooded with these posts
about, you know, take a look at this dating profile.
Look how unrealistic this person is being. They're
expecting all of this. And, you know, they ain't
nothing special and blah, blah. And how dare
they be so demanding. So I was just kind of flooded
with those and at first it was like you know
well that's kind of odd that these people think
so highly of themselves that they feel they can
command somebody with you know makes over a million
a year and he's gonna let them just sit at home
and whatever. But then I quickly realized that
this is all fake. Yeah. You know it doesn't take
much to just conjure up a picture and then write
some fake copy. No. blast it out there and get
hundreds of angry people to respond to it with
indignation. And then they go through them all
and they figure out who they can use and who
they can't. It's really just, yeah, people are
dumb about stuff like that. Yeah, so I try to
stick to specific groups. Like, there's a group
that's like KC History. Oh, like KC History Buffs.
I love that. That's a good, legitimate site.
And there was a group for open jam and open mic
nights, but that thing has basically become a
ghost town. But, you know, Epiphone guitar owners
and modders, or Marshall owners and modders,
you know, those are entertaining and fun, and
those are safe. But just the general feed is
full of all sorts of crap that's just designed
to make me angry. Yeah, they try to get you angry
so they get your response. And then not only
do they get their information, but they get information
about your personality. Yeah, and they're feeding
me ads the whole time. Yes, yep. So I just, if
I'm being smart, when I get on any kind of social
media, I'm either looking up something for a
story. Or I go straight to the groups that I
know are going to be safe. Same here. Yep. Okay,
switching stuff up a little bit because this
is the alternate universe one and not just sports.
But, all right, do you see a prolonged war in
Iran? Yeah. I do too. Unfortunately. Unfortunately,
I think so. Yeah, because look what happened
when the Russians tried to. mess with Afghanistan.
That dragged on. That was their Vietnam. That
was their Vietnam. Yeah, so I don't see this
being much different. They ran with their tail
between their legs kind of like we did. In the
Vietnam War, the North Vietnamese, their religion
was communism. Now in Iran, their religion is
whatever radicalized, strange version of Islam
that they're using. I have no idea whether what
they teach in Iran is actually the Islamic religion
or whether they bastardized it, so I can't comment
on that. But that's going to hold them together,
and it's going to get people to martyr themselves
and spend their entire lives just fighting for
the cause. And for the most part, Americans want
to wage a remote war. Let's send the planes over,
let's send the drones over, let's send the missiles
over, but don't actually get any humans on the
ground where they can get shot at. To reconstruct
a country like that, you're going to have to
have boots on the ground. You can't just go in
there and just start knocking everything down
and all that. I mean, you could have liberated,
but that's not the point of what you're trying
to do. Well, here's an idea. Knock out the bad
regime and then go away and leave them alone.
Don't rebuild the country. Let them rebuild.
And if they rebuild bad, then go knock the shit
out of them again. No, that's what they say.
That's what they said with Iraq and Afghanistan
until they finally just pulled out of there and
said, okay, let's leave. And if you can believe
what you read, both countries have a bad regime
again. And that's because nobody's over there
policing them. So it's like one of those things
where you have to dedicate your whole time in
existence to policing them. Or you just got to
accept that bad people are going to go over there
and do bad things. And you got to occasionally
go over there and smack them down. And not to
get too political, but when you get right down
to the basic reality, we all share. an atmosphere
and we all share the sunlight and we all share
the oceans so you tack any three any one of those
three you can affect the whole planet yeah so
if somebody on the other side of the world who
you don't care about you don't know about you
don't want to interfere with suddenly says he's
going to poison all the oceans well that affects
you too yes so you gotta decide am i gonna do
something about it or am i just gonna let it
happen no so you can't be isolationist and held
separate because we all share a lot of the same
stuff. And when they fuck it up for somebody,
it's going to fuck it up for us too. We're stuck
here. Who was your favorite Supreme Leader? I'm
going to say the second guy because that was
really unique. Okay, well, you got him. We got
another guy. I was like, no, you don't. So whoever
that second guy was. I was going to say the Borg
Queen, but then I realized you were talking about
Iran. But yeah, I think the second guy. The second
guy. They need to put him on the postage stamp.
Yeah, they do. He's out there all bold, chest
out, going, yeah, I'm the new leader. Boom. No,
he's not. Not anymore. I'm not laughing at the
death of someone. I'm laughing at the irony and
stupidity of the whole situation, of people thinking
they can fuck around and not have to find out.
I'm laughing at the death of no one. But it's
the whole FAFO thing. Yeah, fuck around, find
out. Absolutely. That's what happens. I'm the
kind of guy that I really don't like to get between
somebody and the consequences they brought on
themselves. Me too. I just will let that happen.
Well, it's a book just let them that I bought
Valerie and I started reading some of it by Marty
Robbins. I think, or no, no, no. Mel Robbins.
Marty Robbins was a singer guitar. Oh, that's
right. Mel Robbins. And yeah, I used to not be
much for these books like that, but actually
there's a lot to be said for that. It's like,
why try to stop someone from their nature of
what they do? This is what they do, and this
is what they're comfortable with. And when they
get kicked in the face, that's what they're comfortable
with. And you can spend your life trying to help
everyone else, or you can look in the mirror
and try to help yourself. Yeah, yeah. And you
can realize that the person you think you want
to help has been helped over and over and over,
and it doesn't work. That's what I'm talking
about. It doesn't stick. Not the people that
can really be helped. The people that can really
be helped, of course, you help them. Yeah, that's
something that... I've kind of made it my own,
but it was close to something I heard in group
therapy, but I've kind of modified it. Sometimes
the best choice is to stay on shore and let that
ship sink without you. Oh, yeah, I've had to
do that many times. But so many people will swim
out to the sinking ship and climb aboard and
try to save. Yeah, you're going down with them.
Well, I mean, that's the whole thing about, like,
immigration, and that's the big sticking point
is you've got to know who's coming over here
and all that. And I think that a lot of where
people fail to realize is we want people coming
over here, but we have to know who they are.
And you think about it, the people who are coming
here, are the ones who aren't strong -willed
enough to stay home and fix their country. Exactly.
They're giving up and running away for whatever
reason. You know, sometimes it's a good reason,
sometimes it's a shitty reason. But we are getting
the ones who are giving up and running away.
Yeah. Not the strong -willed ones who are staying
behind, saying, I'm going to fix this, I'm going
to make this better. So that's something to remember.
Yeah. No, it is. And that's true. It's just like
my friend Joaquin I told you about on the last,
on the Gang Bang podcast. Mm -hmm. about how
he had a very valid reason to leave on a raft.
And that's because, you know, Castro had him
thrown in prison. Didn't tell his family or nothing.
His family thought he was dead. Someone killed
him or something. And then they found out that
he wasn't with that guy that was standing next
to him building that highway. And they let him
go. And then right then he was like, yeah, I'm
going. We're leaving. We're leaving right now.
We're not, you know, us dying is better than
being here. If it happens. But he made it over
here and made a very good living for himself,
and his family does well, and he does well. Yeah.
Hardworking. Man, that guy, hardworking guy.
Love him. Remember the great big release of people
in 1982? Wasn't it from Cuba? Yeah, yeah. They
let everybody out of their prisons. Yeah. Not
only did they say everyone who wants to go can
go, but they emptied the prisons and the... mental
health hospitals and sent all of them too. They
were basically getting rid of their dead weight
and pushing it on us. Who was in office? In 82,
that would have been Reagan. I'm surprised Reagan
went for that. Honestly. Look, I mean... Reagan,
a lot of people loved him and just thought he
was like maybe the second greatest president
ever or something like that or somewhere in the
top five. I honestly thought a lot of what he
did is a lot of our problems right now. Yeah,
yeah. A lot of the deregulation he pushed through
is what's fucking us so bad right now. He was
not as good as people say. No, he was there to
make America a more fun place for big business
to do business. Yes. And that's it. And that's
how the parties have changed. Yeah. Yeah, and
no, what he did really, really hurt the American
family, in my opinion. And I always wondered,
questioned why people, I'll tell you why they
thought he was so good. Because he was tough
with the military. Yes. That's why. And he realized,
be tough with the military, tough on law enforcement,
tough against communism, they'll let me do whatever
I want elsewhere. Which, pretty much they did.
And he did do some brilliant moves. Yeah. But
the problem is, is he was big business. Yeah.
He was for it. He was all about it. And the trickle
down theory never did work. No. It dries up in
the middle. You know, you're lucky to get a fucking
penny at the bottom. If the trickle -down economics
worked, then the billionaires would be using
it for themselves. Exactly, yes. And they're
not, are they? No, that's their excuse. Well,
we've got to have money because we give you jobs.
Okay, how about I have your money and I give
you a job? Yeah, let's just reverse it. How about
that? Suddenly it's no fun anymore. No, no, I
agree. We're finally getting it. A fair amount
back on our taxes because they changed the tax
codes finally. So, you know, everyone's bitching
about everything, and I'm not saying anything
about who should be president, nothing like that.
So don't get your panties in a wad. Don't send
me the emails. Number one, I won't read them
anyhow. If they start off like in a certain way,
no, they just get discarded. Because everybody
has opinions, and they're like assholes. They
all stink. But it's weird to think that a fairly
secure middle class, has only been around in
this country for less than 100 years. Yeah. Less
than 100 years. And it can be debated whether
it's still around or not. Yeah. With housing
costs. I like what Trump signed, though, the
bill that will not allow people to buy up all
the houses. Yeah. That needed to happen because
that's why there's a housing shortage. Let's
do that with concert tickets, too. My solution
is never go after this concert we're going to
in Tulsa. I'm not going again. No, I'm done.
I'm done getting ripped off by them. At the very
best, I would show up the day of the concert
and try to buy one outside and get in. That's
the most I'll do from now on. They've got to
be there, set up, ready to go, then I'll buy
a ticket. Yes. Other than that, no. Nope. And
buy it in line from StubHub for $10. I'm not
financing anybody else's tour and getting ripped
off the way you and I have both been ripped off.
Nope, no, I've been ripped off enough. Fuck them.
Fuck every one of them. And, you know, in a way,
you really don't put all the blame on the musicians
and the bands because the system they're working
in, this is all they can do to make money. This
is the only way they can make money. And they're
not running the show. They're just trying to
work within it. We got that idiot from Ticketmaster
saying that concerts are underpriced. I think
he's overpriced. Let's look at his salary. Yeah.
Yeah. No, someone saying that tells me I don't
give them my money. Fuck them. I would like for
that guy to go ahead and raise ticket prices
to what he thinks they should be and watch how
nobody buys shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm saying
price yourself out of the business. Go ahead.
Go ride on it. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. Yeah.
Okay, next one. Alcohol sells your way down among
Gen Z. Will it ever rebound? I know, you know,
with war and everything. It's going to take a
long time, but I think they could get it to rebound
if they let it die out and then bring it back,
isn't it? Nostalgia thing in about 50 years.
Yeah. I don't think cigarettes are ever coming
back, but I think those will eventually make
a return just in a long time. They price cigarettes
out of the Norweyan's range anyhow. And that
was part of the reason for all the taxes is to
make it ridiculous. They tried to do the same
thing with firearms. They said, okay, you can
buy all the guns you want, but we're going to
put a huge tax on ammunition, so you can't afford
to shoot them. It was going to be like $10 a
shot. You can make your own bullets. Yeah, and
they were going to try to tax lead out of existence
and gunpowder and brass. They were going to try
to just tax it into oblivion. That's what they
did with cigarettes. Oh, yeah, it is. I think
if they started cutting back on the taxes on
alcohol and made it a little easier, maybe you'd
get a little... bump in the popularity but overall
I think it's on the decline. I think it's viewed
as a thing that we used to do now. I think it's
an afterthought and I think the people that were
smoking are dying off and that's pretty much
about it. But I think the stage is absolutely
set to replace all the alcohol establishments
with weed establishments. Well it's already going
on. And then they're also going to bring in places
that will let you do mushrooms or ketamine. Which
I'm all for because, I mean, it's a safe place
for people to do things like that, controlled
with people you know or a friend, whatever. And
then have a concession right there with Uber
and Lyft and whatever, drive services, because
you can tell everyone, we're going to make sure
you don't drive home under the influence. you
get 25 % of all the Ubers because everyone has
to take an Uber. So you get a kickback. When
you come in, they've got your name and everything.
You've got to give them your ID and go, okay,
all right. Included in this package is an Uber
ride. So come over here and see me when you're
ready to go, and the guy will be waiting for
you out front. I'll tell you which one to get
into. I mean, the whole concierge thing about
it. Everything's ready for you, kind of like
at a hotel. Yeah. And I think it would make perfect
sense to replace the drinking establishments,
where violence usually breaks out, with stoner
establishments, where the worst thing that's
going to happen is somebody's going to pass out
on the floor. Yes. And then you leave them be.
And get really hungry. Yeah, you leave them be.
You take a bag of Funyuns, place them right next
to his head. There you go. And that's it. That's
all you need to do. That's it. It's good. Yeah,
I think we're moving that way. Yeah, I think
so too. Cuba's infrastructure collapsed, as in
their whole power system. It just, boom. Are
they the next target operation? I would say so.
I think so too. It needed to happen anyhow. They're
right next door, and they have a lot of bad influences
that don't like us. Yeah. And, you know, when
Fidel stepped down and let his brother Raul Castro
take over. He was worse than Fidel. I know. He
was way worse. I knew. I told you about my buddy
Joaquin. I have another buddy named Juan. Two
Cubans that came from Cuba that were oppressed.
And they both said that. Because I'm like, hey,
are you ready for Fidel to go? He's probably
about dead or something. And he was pretty much
about dead. And they go, no. They go, his brother's
worse. And it's kind of like over there, that
little chubby bitch over there in North Korea.
His sister's worse. Yeah. People wanting him
dead? No, you probably better get his sister
first and then get him. Yeah, I think Cuba is
pretty ripe for exploitation. You know, go in
and knock out the regime. You'll have a whole
bunch of very grateful people for the first year
or so. Yep. And I could see Cuba becoming the
fifth state faster than Puerto Rico. No, I think
so too. Or 51st, I'm sorry. Well, the whole thing
is they want to. They want to pay taxes. They
want to be in the system. Puerto Rico is kind
of like it. Well, we kind of like it like it
is. We're in territory and everything, but we
don't actually want to be a part of you guys.
Yeah, and a lot of Puerto Rico doesn't want to
be a state either. No. That's tension there.
I mean, when Bad Bunny came and did the Super
Bowl show and had anti -American sentiment, it
was a product of the Puerto Rican movement to
not become part of the United States. It's not
like, oh, I hate America just because. It's,
no, I don't want to be one of your cities. He's
not touring in America because of the immigration
policies. Yeah. Boy, we dodged a bullet. I'm
remembering the old poster from Prohibition days
that showed, like 10 to 12 women standing around
a sign and the sign said lips that touch wine
will never touch ours and you look at these women
and they're just the most hideous fucking wildebeest
looking... It was like the definition of a resting
bitch face on every single one of them. And it
was the kind of thing that would make you run
and grab a bottle to make sure none of those
women ever tried to kiss you. It was just like
the worst idea ever. Oh, no, it's funny because
they did quite a few memes and even posters like
that where they got the famous really hideous
looking... And it's just like... And they had
shirts that go... no white man's ever getting
this again is pointing down towards their privacy
and they have people on doing videos going oh
thank you lord thank you and the other one's
going okay i guess we just gotta accept it and
move on yeah that's always funny when someone
tries to make a threat and it's really not the
threat they think it is yeah everyone's like
everyone looks at each other go okay cool we
agree So, all right. Cuba is badly outdated.
The dictators that ran the country never shared
the wealth. Will it be worth private investments
or will the U .S. government do the rebuilding?
I think it's going to be both, but what do you
think? Yeah, I think it's going to be both. Yeah,
they're going to find private investors that
come up to them, you know, don't you think? And
if Cuba is turned into an American protectorate
or American territory. I think it's coming, yeah.
then normal American laws don't apply. No. And
nobody there has constitutional rights. There's
going to be gambling, hooking, all kinds of stuff.
Yeah, just exactly what the mafia was going to
do to it back in 59. So no surprise the government
has their eyes on it. Imagine the tax money they
can make. Imagine the favors they can pay off
and get owed to them by steering people towards
this enormous money -making. And it's going to
be basically a modern -day Sodom and Gomorrah.
Nevada looked like an Osmond Brothers theme park.
Well, it is next to Utah. Oh, yeah, I think there's
a whole lot of people just salivating about the
idea of turning Cuba into one giant Las Vegas.
Oh, yeah, yeah, and I think that's also part
of the whole idea. It's like they knew this was
coming. They've seen it for years. They're not,
you know, they're... always spying on them. They're
during surveillance. They know this was coming.
And I think it's one of those deals where like,
let's let it happen. When it collapses and falls
apart, we're going to have a reason to go over
there and do this. And the next thing you know,
like you said, it's a Sodom and Gomorrah. You
show up thinking, oh, we're being humanitarian
and helping these people, and then you just never
leave. Yeah, exactly. That's been done before.
And finally, who is the biggest pussy alive today?
Bruce Springsteen. Okay, I can go with that.
I can go with that. His high point of his life
was when he dragged Courtney Cox up on stage
to dance with him in a rehearsed and prearranged
stunt. Yeah, she was a struggling actress. Yeah.
And she probably did it for free just to get
notoriety. Yeah, and I'm sure... Bruce Springsteen
management would have been happy if Courtney
Cox had never landed that role on Friends and
everyone could go on believing it was just some
random woman. They didn't think she was going
to land anything. That's why they did it. But
then it became very obvious that this was just
done for the sake of the video. Yeah. Yeah. Yep.
All right. That was the high point of Bruce's
life, I'm sure. Yeah, I think so too. Yeah. Okay,
this next story has been floating around for
a couple of days, but I can't vet it or unvet
it. Robert De Niro says he has no choice but
to leave New York after Madani, or whatever the
fuck his name is. Madani. Madani, yeah, Madani.
Sorry, that was my fault. Officially became mayor.
No, that's cool. According to De Niro, the new
administration wants to take nearly half of his
average savings because he's considered wealthy.
He said, I haven't worked this sometimes. My
savings are all I have, he said. And I know why
he's not working. Fucking loudmouth idiot. He's
just going to embarrass anything you put him
on. Yeah, why do it? So what makes him more ironic?
De Niro was one of Mondami's most vocal supporters
during the campaign. Yes, he was. Social media
didn't miss a moment. Many are saying he's officially
entered the fuck around and find out phase of
his political choices. Again. I go to the you
first policy. I think you came up with it first,
and now I'm carrying the banner everywhere. Yeah.
Okay, if you really believe in this, you do it
first. Yeah, show me how it's done. You want
a socialist, you give your money up first. Yeah.
Okay, you want to give your land back, you give
your land back first. Yep. And until then, I
don't want to hear anything from you. Because
all it is, is you mean you want me to. Yep. While
you watch. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, my idiot brother
John, I remember telling him that once, and he
said, well, see, it doesn't mean anything unless
everyone does it. And I said, so you want to
force everyone to do what you want them to do.
Who the hell are you to tell everyone what to
do? And then he goes, oh, it's the right thing,
and it's the property, and it's bad, and it's
just on and on. Says who? Yeah. It's like, well,
this is still just your opinion, and still, you
go first. Show me how dedicated and how much
into it you are. You sell everything, give everything
away, give your land back. You do it first. Pauperize
yourself to redistribute your wealth and see
who follows suit. Yeah. Do it first. Yeah, I
100 % agree. Absolutely. And like I said, until
that is done, anything that is said is just chatter.
Yeah. Lip service. Yeah. All right. How long
have we got? Hour and 22. Okay, I've got this
thing here, and I'm also going to be doing a
bit on it. Okay. A little piece that's going
to go into our little ha -ha sections or whatever.
You know, like in between the stupid criminal
and things overheard in hell or something like
that, okay? This is called the Fraud Replacement
Act. The Fraud Replacement Act. Here at Deuce
Bag Central, we care about our people. This is
why we introduced to you the Government Fraud
Refund Act. Okay, the Government Fraud Refund
Act. Okay. Okay? Simply put, if fraud happens
on your watch as a government official, you don't
get paid until every single taxpayer gets a refund
on the taxes wasted by the fraud or cheating.
I like that. Yeah. I like that. Perfect example.
Let's take that perfect example of human trash
can, Gavin Newsom. Yeah. Fraud was happening
at an epic level two years ago with the SNAP
food program. The cost per year was $20 million.
Now it's down to $4 million, and he's awful proud
of that. He's like, oh, look at that. I got it
down to $4 million. Not enough. Not good enough.
Every cent needs to be refunded, and he can't
own another thing or another dime, and everything
he owns should be distributed among the people
that were ripped off. Yep. And this goes for
everybody. Can't get reelected. Yeah, out of
politics and you have to relinquish the money.
And there's a lot more to it, but it's going
to be on the bit. But I just wanted to go into
it for a minute there and I wanted to do it in
front of you. Yeah, I like that because the response
is fewer people are going to want to run for
office. And I say good. Yeah, good. Well, the
term limits, I hope that goes through. They're
trying to get that through. And that is one of
the biggest keys to our country being much better
is the people that are in there like the Pelosi's
and the idiots like that. The Schumers. The Schumers,
yeah. They're just fucking hanging out. Bernie
Sanders. Oh, that fucker. He needs to dry up
and blow away. Bernie Sanders. He is such a hideous
hypocrite. He's such a liar and a fool. Oh, I
know. And what's bigger is... all the rubes that
fucking follow him and think that guy loves him.
He thinks that guy loves him. The guy that flies
around in helicopters and preaches to you about
all this fossil fuel burning, all of that. Oh,
did you see the picture of the incredible mess
they left behind at the theater where they held
the Oscars? All those celebrities who tell you
to not drive your car and drink out of a paper
straw, and you look at the filthy mess they left
behind at the theater when they left. Just crap
everywhere. Yeah, I believe it. And that's because
they've been pampered and glad -handled for so
long, they think that that's the norm. I'll just
leave it here. We're going to have some... Peons
come and get it, and that is the idea behind
this You First movement is everyone thinks that
we need to do what they say because people have
patted them on the back and told them great things
for so long, they believe their own bullshit.
They're just like, oh, yeah, yeah, I must be
great. So everything I say is the gospel. And
it makes perfect sense that any political party
would have a celebrity wing to pass along their
message. Yes. And, you know, each political party
has their group of celebrities that they send
out to spread the propaganda. And people just
buy it. Oh, this is a celebrity. I actively dislike
celebrities. If you're a celebrity, I think you're
less than. No, me too. You're an attention whore.
You're a fame whore. You're putting your nose
into everybody's business. Go away. Don't want
them. Don't need them. You know, I have a pet
termite. You know what his name is? Clint Eatswood.
All right, sorry. I heard a story about a woman
who grew up and she had an aunt who was called
Auntie Clit. And she didn't know what that was
until she got older and she realized what that
word meant. She said, why do we keep calling
her Auntie Clit? Well, because her real name
is Joy Button. I thought you were going to say
bean. That would make sense too. Very cool. No,
you're talking about like activists. And I love
Clint Eastwood, you know, because he's a no -nonsense
type of a gun guy and all that, you know. And
I just thought of Clint Eastwood like that because
that joke to me is so horrible. I love it. And
the funny thing is, is even if you heard it before,
you still laugh. You're like, oh, yeah, yeah.
Let's see. I got some more bar stuff. Okay. This
is dive bar don'ts. Oh, good idea. Okay. Number
one don't is trying to organize a trivia team
with strangers in a dive bar. Oh, bad idea. Goes
bad. Goes bad. After you wake up in the alley
with a black eye, you probably should find another
bar. And your Uno cards all over your face. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Calling the regulars locals like
you're on vacation. Big no -no in dive bars.
Wow. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. The third
one, saying, let's do a shot flight. Bad idea.
Bad idea. Using the term a flight of anything
is a bad idea. Oh, no, no, no. That's an automatic
ass kicking. Yes, that's right. And that's another
one where you're lying on the ground and the
drink menu stuffed in your mouth. The next one,
number four, I believe, is referring to your
bartender as your spiritual guide for the night.
Now, doesn't that make you want to hit someone
right in the face? I can just hear somebody saying
that. Yeah, this is my spiritual guide for tonight.
What's your name again? Ben. Yeah, Ben. He's
my spiritual guide for... Bam! Wow. Now, go home
and knit something. Okay. Number five no -no
is taking pictures of the bathroom graffiti.
Like it's a secret art, street art. Now, that
one, Buzzard Beach had some of the best, and
I did snap some pictures of those. They were
so good. Speaking of graffiti, the legendary
graffiti artist Banksy, they finally figured
out who it is. It's a guy named Robin Gunningham.
Oh, I didn't know that. Yep, his identity's been
revealed. He's an older guy. Yeah, he's been
around a while. Banksy, yeah. Supposedly, his
management team or handlers or whatever were
trying to say, oh, he's so cutting edge and he's
had death threats and we can't reveal his identity
because it will impede his art. He's like, screw
you. No. Everybody loves him. He's not a hated
guy. Plus, all that is none of our business and
none of our problem. It's on him. If the DMV
gets to know who he is, we get to know. Yes.
Yeah, I agree. The next one is severe dive bar
offenses. Okay. All right. Putting a song on
that everyone hates. Yeah. And then leaving.
That is cruel. One time me and my ex -friend
Matt went into Desert Beach. And we put in shiny
happy people ten times in a row and we left.
And that was not the kind you could override.
That was an old -fashioned one. You couldn't
put in a buck and get rid of it. You had to sit
there and listen to it. I heard a story of a
guy who figured out that the bar his wife and
all of her girlfriends went to had an internet
jukebox. So from his home, he was able to connect
to the jukebox and he started playing his wife's
most hated song. Over and over and over and over.
That reminds me. I've got to tell the story about
the guy I used to work with. When Bluetooth first
came out and he had no idea how they worked.
I did. Yeah. And I connected to him accidentally
sitting right next to him. Yeah. And I had no
idea because I had one of the first smartphones,
if you say. You know, they were still kind of
a flip phone -ish, but they're a smartphone.
Yeah. And it connected to it, and I found that
polka station, and I kept playing polka. But
that just reminded me of that, and you know what?
I'm going to do a segment because I can't find
it. We have too many archives. So I'm just going
to do a segment about it and put it in one of
the shows because I've had a couple of requests
for that. And also the guy, I'm going to have
to change the name. He passed away not too long
ago. All right. Trying to start karaoke when
clearly there is no karaoke. Oh, yeah. Yeah,
that's a good way to get your ass whipped. That
would look pretty awkward, I would think. Oh,
yeah, yeah. Just stand up in the corner and go,
come on, everybody. How about the guilt in the
island? What happened to him? See that mess out
there? Yeah, that's him. Just follow the trail
of teeth. Yeah, yeah. Yep, that's it. A little
bit of blood. Don't worry about it. It mops up.
It mops up. You can sweep up the teeth. No big
deal. All right. Asking the bar if there's a
dress code. Bad idea. Yeah. Is my mock turtleneck
okay? About that time you hear a large smacking
sound and teeth and blood again. I guess you
could like walk in and announce loudly, so when
do all the hot girls get here? And they look
at you and go, I guess it's you. Yeah. You smell
pretty, boy. Yep, yep, yep. It's got to be you.
All right. The next one, saying this place is
kind of sketchy out loud. Yeah, probably not
a good idea. No. Or another one not to say, this
is just my own, is like, look at those bikers.
Yeah, don't say that either. Bad idea. Bad idea.
Or say, do you think that's a biker? Or walk
up to the biggest guy there. fucking grab him
by the collar and go, you're my beer bitch tonight,
and I'm taking a Budweiser. I don't see you moving.
What happened to Mark? I really don't want to
go into it. It's pretty graphic. It's pretty
bad. Is he okay? We're not sure. He's still in
ICU. I'll get back with you later if he gets
better. All right. Today, where was I? Oh, tell
a 62 -year -old regular how whiskey should be
tasted. You're doing it wrong. Here, watch me.
Better be careful with my old crow there, son.
Don't be messing with my filthy chicken. You
fuck with my filthy chicken, you're a dead man.
Oh, and I get pictured. I can picture people
doing all these things. Oh, I could, too. Very
easily. Well, just like I told you about the
anal probe and the pap spear on the beach, the
drinks we made up. Chicks would come up to us
at Buzzer Beach, me and Max specifically, and
ask for drinks. So, you know, first we turned
them down. We're like, look, man, we know the
deal. No one's getting anything, and we're both
taking anyhow, you know. So nobody's getting
anything, and you're going to soak up all our
money, and then you're going to go to the next
guy and flirt with them and get drinks from them.
So we're like. Let's buy him a drink. But our
drink, not theirs. And anal probe and all those.
I'll come up with a segment on that, too. It's
like the worst ingredients you could ever imagine
all put together in a shot. And, you know, half
of them got an anal probe and half of them got
a passenger on the beach. And the bartender,
Mark, was in on it, too. You know, that reminds
me of someone, a woman I went to high school
with. She got... married and pregnant in high
school and then her husband eventually cheated
on her and left her. So she's been kind of anti
-man ever since. But that's one of her favorite
things to do is the moment she gets off work,
which is around 3 or 4 in the afternoon, she
goes to a bar and she flirts with any guy who
will buy her a drink. and then leaves alone at
about 7, 8 o 'clock. And then goes home and does
all of her stuff. And she was doing that for
quite a long time, and she would be posting on
Facebook every once in a while about that. And
then we started seeing a post about how it wasn't
working out so much anymore. Yeah. And it's like,
well, a combination of you're in your 60s. Yes.
And you're only appealing to guys in their 60s,
and they're generally on a fixed income, and
they know what you're doing. Yes. They've been
around it too much. But after that, she started
getting really bitter and angry. Because her
fun was going out to bars and making guys...
Yeah, scamming men, making them buy drinks for
her as a way of... Three drinks in a rush. Yeah,
and it was a way to punish her ex -husband for
cheating on her and leaving her. And, well, now
that was taken away from her, and she's just
an angry little woman. That happens a lot. She
still does her day drinking, but I guess she
does it at home now. This next one I love. Well,
I like all of them, but this one's really, really
good. Saying I usually drink on rooftop lounges.
Does not go well in a dive bar. It's like asking
for a little paper umbrella in your drink. Yes,
yeah. Which we used to do to PBR bottles. Yes.
Oh, my God. That was a fully dressed Pabst Blue
Ribbon. And then a naked one was with none of
that in there. We had the little limes. We had
the little slice of orange and an umbrella. And
people were furious. They're like, you don't
drink Pabst like that. Well, we do. and i come
in there one night i go mark it's a naked pb
oh it's that bad yeah yeah just give me a naked
pbr okay here we go oh we pissed a lot of people
off like that oh this next one i like too asking
the bartender if he has kombucha that one right
there that's like full -fledged ass kicking right
off the bat there are a number of times i pissed
off the bartender by asking for coffee oh yeah
because you know most of the time i was a designated
driver and i need something to stay awake so
it's like do you have any coffee and he'd be
like I think we have a coffee maker. I've heard
that before, too. It's always that really rock
-cut shit that they get really cheap from the
distributor. I think it's like Necco. It hurts
your lungs to smell it. It's like, oh, what is
that? Oh, that's a coffee. Okay, figures. Ask
it if the bar takes cryptocurrency. That's a
good one. That is a good one. That is awesome.
Everyone turns around and goes, you mean fake
money? I can imagine some thief in an alleyway.
He sticks someone up and says, give me all your
money. The guy pulls out cryptocurrency. The
thief's like, no, I don't want that shit. Give
me some real money. Yeah, some real money. Even
he knows. You know, I invested in that five years
ago, and I lost my ass. That's why I'm on the
street robbing you. Yeah. All right. The next
one I like, too. Call in the bar Quaint. Oh,
yes. Oh, this is a Quaint establishment. Quaint
Little Bar. Oh, yeah. They had the word little.
It always demeans something we call little. That's
a frosty mug upside the head all day long. I
remember somebody complaining. They talked about,
oh, well, fine, don't tell me. You can have your
little secret. And I called her on it and said,
little? That's demeaning. Oh, it didn't mean
anything. And I said, okay, well, enjoy your
little marriage. And she got pissed as hell.
And I said, hey, you just said little doesn't
mean anything. Well, you're insulting, and I
know you're insulting. That's how clueless she
was. Just like she was. Oh, and okay, and then
finally referring to the cigarette machine as
vintage decor. They're like, what do you mean?
That's where I get my fucking Winston's. Or you
go up and ask, what's the Wi -Fi password? Love
that one. Yeah, it's eat shit, pussy. Wow, that's
kind of long. Go up with your cell phone. My
battery's dying. I'm going to have my calls transferred
here. What's your number? You wake up out in
the middle of the fucking alleyway. What did
I do? And why don't I have any teeth? No, the
only thing they'll accommodate you at a dive
bar is to go, if my wife calls, I know you're
not here. Yeah. You came in briefly, but then
you got called back to work. I remember seeing
a sign at a musical instrument store that said,
your wife called and said, you can buy anything
you want. A lot of people probably got divorces
after that. I'll show you the sign. I'll snap
a picture of it. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she'll
go for that. All right, how long we got? Aaron,
45. All right, you want to go to the music groups?
Yes, I do. Good, because I got to piss horribly.
And I got to get some more coffee. It's cold.
Everybody. Thank you so much for listening. We
really appreciate it. You guys are spreading
the word. I mean, our numbers have just been
incredible and we really, really enjoy it. And
thank you guys so much. And please, go fuck yourself.