Good evening. All the obtuse, incognizant, unsagacious,
ill -informed, dull -witted, adulpated, dunder
-headed, feather -brained, muddle -headed, but
lovable listeners. This is your warning. You're
headed straight for the douchebag gangbang. That's
right. Run while you are able. Don't look back.
Topa, Mark, and Rob... are headed for your ear
holes in three, two, one. Here at Two Douchebags
and a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic
integrity. Go ahead and assume we got the story
wrong. At least we admit it. Not like all those
other guys. We can and will lie if it makes the
story better. Two douchebags and a microphone.
Here at the gangbang, we realize no one wants
to do a douchebag pledge. We simply will not
waste your time with bullshit. By the way. Remember
to enter dinner with the douchebags contest.
Good luck. Here we go. Signs that you might be
a pussy. Signs that you might be a pussy. If
you've ever had Phil Collins or Oingo Boingo
posters on your wall, If you've ever raised your
coffee mug or tea glass with your pinky extended.
If you often lotion up your hands with no apparent
reason. If you like poached eggs. If you sing
along to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Or if you have
ever wore a pair of Crocs, even just trying them
out. You are a pussy. It's time for the police
blotter. That's right stories about stupid criminals
and the dumbassness that ensued. Let us begin
now. A 25 -year -old Phillipsburg, Montana man
drove to the Granite County Courthouse to pay
a fine for having an open container. Sheriff
Rico Barkel observed that the man appeared to
be intoxicated. He asked if the man drove himself
to the courthouse. He replied, yes. He then admitted
to having to had two drinks and smoked two bowls
of marijuana. The man was tested at three times
above the legal limit. and had an open container
in his car again. He was charged with aggravated
DUI and open container. He went to jail immediately.
No word if he actually paid the first fine. Hello,
this is Phineas J. Altaris III. I'm here to deliver
your music news this evening. Another Aussie
story alert. ELP, Deep Purple, and Sabbath were
all playing at the 1974 California Jam. The bands
had to be flown in by helicopter to the gig.
Aussie said after the bands had been flown in,
they were all standing behind the trailer. They
look up, and there's a pinball machine hanging
below a helicopter flying through the air. Turns
out the members of ELP owned a pinball machine
and demanded it to be flown to the Jam. Then
other bands wanted their own pinball machine,
and by the end of the gig, Everybody had their
own pinball machine to play before and after
the show. This is Phineas J. Baltar S. III. That
has been your music news for this evening. I
have one burning question for you all. Do people
really skip around the Maypole? Hey everybody,
this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some
tips for life. This is Uncle Rob's rules to dick
pics. Rule number one, type of a kick in someone
else's name. So if you get busted, it's not yours.
Rule number two, shoot angles complementary to
your length and girth. Rule number four, no propping
of the leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very
important. Tomorrow morning, while grinding your
coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember
to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone. Two bush bags of microphone
in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. My driver's license
picture makes me look older. I'm calling a lawyer.
Hello all and welcome to the brand new Douchebag
Gangbang. That's right, all three of us fucks,
for your ear holes only. And I am the marked
portion of this at the Talk is Cheap studio on
the severe southern tip of the Kansas City Metroplex
and surrounding areas. I know I do. Okay. Okay.
Okay. heater is on, and the weather change is
trying to give me a migraine. Yeah, welcome to
springtime in Kansas City. Ugh, sorry about that,
Topher. That sucks a lot of ass. Ugh. Well, hopefully
you can find it. I didn't hook up my space here.
I'm about to run down and grab it, honestly.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm plenty warm in here, but I could
see it getting cold a little bit later tonight.
Jeez, that wind. Fuck. Okay, I'm going to go
into this here. As we all know, America is fighting
Iran as we speak. I have a question for Iran
and you guys, okay? Who was dumb enough to become
their next supreme leader? Oh, man, yeah. That's
a short lifespan there. Yeah, who would jump
out and go, hey, hey, I want to do it? Wow. I
don't know anybody. Well, they keep finding them.
I guarantee you there's somebody out there. They
keep finding them. They keep finding them, and
then we blast them away. Yeah. I mean, is it
like the old Salem? It must feel really good
to have power for like three and a half seconds.
It must be really, really good. I wonder if it's
like the old witch hunts that they used to do,
like your neighbor pissed you off, right? And
so you're like, oh, that bitch. Oh, oh, I know
what I'll do. I'll call her a witch. That way,
when they take her to trial and they put fucking
stones on her, if she sinks, she's not a witch.
You see? It's like someone goes, oh, man, fucking
Ahmad over there or whatever. I'm not trying
to make fun of their names. I don't really know
that many names, okay? Ahmad over there, he pissed
me off, man. He said something. Oh, I know. I'm
going to elect him as the next supreme leader.
Is that how that happens? It's like Dumb and
Dumber where they hit that, oh, I forgot the
guy's name, with the cork, and then he comes
over there, and you got Jeff Daniels pointing
to Jim Carrey going, it was him, it was him,
it was him. That's how it goes right there. That's
him. Got your supreme leader right there, Akhman,
him. It's like, what? Fuck. So, anyhow, I will
never, ever paddle Mother Nature again. We had
four or five. How many was it, Toe, for four
or five last Friday? Tornadoes. Five, I think
it was. Five, yeah. Wow. And I just said something
about, I just gave the wind an ass paddling.
I didn't officially give Mother Nature one. I
mean, evidently, she is really fucking pissed
at me, and I need to shut my mouth, right? Yes,
and today, you know, we're getting like 60 mile
an hour winds combined with snow and frigid temperatures
when it was like 72 or 73 yesterday. So I think
I'm going to start just leaving Mother Nature
alone completely. You guys think that's probably
the right idea? Yeah, let's show her our soft
white underbelly and crawl away. Yes, I'm great.
I totally agree. Well, if I get... I know, I
know. I'll screw us again. I'll screw us again.
You watch. Yep, yep, yep. So, I just need to
know one thing. Is seasonal allergies part of
Mother Nature? Because I want to give them a
paddling. I don't think so. I think that's your
own immune system. Okay, okay. All right, then
I'm going to do that. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I'm going
to ask Paddle myself. My seasonal allergies...
I would not do that. You're going to be mad for
paddling. You know what? Maybe I need to listen
to you guys once. Huh? Yeah, you know what? You
know what? Now, it's going to get my... If you
paddle yourself, your kidneys will shut down,
dude. Come on. Okay, you're right. And I was
going to ask Paddle myself... You know what?
If you paddle yourself, is that like paddling
off? Yeah. Hey, what's Mark doing? Paddling.
Oh, okay. I'm going to go this way. I'm going
to go completely away from there. Is that that
sound? Don't ask. Don't ask. Just keep going.
Look the other way. So I was going to ask Paddle
my pigmentation because I was out grilling for
about three hours the other day and I got a little
red underneath my eyes. It pissed me off. I was
like, this is bullshit. But I don't think I'm
going to do that either because then I'd be ass
-paddling myself. And like Rob said, my kidneys
would go, all right, motherfucker, watch this.
How about some nice, fun dialysis for a while?
Oh, God. What's wrong, Mark? I got to poop. What?
I got to poop. I can't hear you. I got a fucking
shit! Okay, okay. So since tornadoes have been
in the news a lot lately, unfortunately, Val
pointed out to me there is a Ruskin Heights Survivors
page on Facebook. This is a famous monster, EF
-5, that killed many people and leveled most
of the Ruskin Heights district in Kansas City
back in 1954, right? Yeah, I am in that Facebook
group. My dad lived through that tornado. Yeah,
he lived right over on Cambridge. and seeing
pictures in the library copies of the old newspapers.
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's interesting. And also, coincidentally,
it leveled Martin City, too, which is where I'm
very close to, like right next door, too. So
I was looking through some of the old archives,
and I thought this was interesting. Okay, the
Ruskin High School was leveled, right, by this
tornado. Yeah. One wall was left standing where
it said, Ruskin High School, but with all the
letters that were tore off, the only letters
left spelt ruin. Isn't that interesting? Yeah.
That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just thought
that bared mention since we're talking about
tornadoes and Mother Nature being extremely mad
at me and all that, and I'm a dumbass for mentioning
anything about Mother Nature ever again. Okay,
so while I'm at that, let's turn this over to
Rob, and then we'll go to Topher. All right.
All right. You guys ready for another Florida
man story? Oh, fuck yeah. Dude, they are dumber
and dumber down there, I'm telling you. Is that
possible? Yeah. Okay. That's all I need to know.
I gotta give the guy... Go ahead, I'm sorry.
Yeah. Did they give him some Depends? Yeah, that's
crazy. Oh, my gosh. It gets worse and worse in
Florida. What did you say, Topher? I'm thinking,
what did he have to do to stretch himself out
so that he could fit a thermos up there? I mean,
he couldn't have just gone from never doing butt
stuff to stuffing a thermos up there. Okay. He
was already wallowed out. That would be my explanation.
His Bombay doors were destroyed, in other words.
Oh, yeah. So he was like a two -fister, probably,
I guess, right? Takes a foot halfway up the cast.
It's the ones that you keep going and going.
How far does this go? Oh, you're not there yet.
I'll let you know. You see your foot come out
of his mouth. There you are. It's done. There's
corn on it. With corn? Oh, my God. When did I
have corn? This is bullshit. Florida man never.
By no later than the end of 2027, federal law
requires new passenger vehicles in the U .S.
to include advanced impaired driving prevention
technology. That's their cool term for it. That
monitors driver sobriety and alertness. Mandatory
under the 2021 Infrastructure Investment and
Jobs Act, systems will use cameras to track eye
movement and sensors to analyze driving performance,
potentially limiting vehicle speed or preventing
startup. The implementation deadline is late
2026 to 2027. The National Highway Traffic Safety
Administration is finalizing the rules for mandatory
integration into new cars and trucks. So you
can expect that the very latest, the 2028 models
will have it. The technology used. Systems may
include infrared cameras on the steering columns
and the A -fillers. That's the ones that I...
What, like the front of the driver's side window?
Mm -hmm. They will track pupil dilation, blink
rate, and head movement alongside with sensors
to detect alcohol levels. It's going to be sniffing
the air. Ah, okay. Now, operational -wise, unlike
ignition interlocks, these systems are passive
and automatic. It aims to identify signs of fatigue
or high blood alcohol concentration, and it relays
that information to law enforcement. For now,
the decision to intervene would still be made
by a human with the ability to remotely control
the vehicle. On the legal concerns, critics have
described this as a kill switch that gives the
government unprecedented control over private
vehicle use with potential issues regarding in
-car surveillance and potential false positives.
In recent actions... Wow. Wow. Yeah. Nobody's
going to buy a new car because of that. That's
a wish. Well, like you said, it could be accidental.
It may have thought it would seem this. I've
got a thought for you guys, though. Never underestimate...
I think what we... Oh, go ahead. Go ahead, Mark.
Okay, never underestimate how stupid the masses
are. Yeah. I think the one easy way to sell this
is they're going to offer steep insurance discounts
if you have a car that's equipped with this.
And then they're going to start sneaking up the
rates for everybody else. And they'll just wait
you out. Eventually your car is going to die
and you're going to need another one. Yep. So
they can wait you out. They'll get enough to
ask. swap over so they can save money on insurance.
And once again, that's more problems to go wrong
with your car. Yep. It costs you more money.
Yeah. It'll probably be one of those things.
If they think you tampered with it, they'll hit
you with like a $10 ,000 fine. Yeah. It's just
like a catalytic converter if you screw with
that. Yep. I understand. Cracking down. It is.
In my opinion. I agree. I agree completely. Thank
you, Topher. Do you want to go into some bigger
threats? Yes. Sure. All right. I'll start mine,
and then we'll do roundhouse. Sound good? Yay.
All righty. Here we go. Okay. Bigger threat.
Global economic collapse. World War breaking
out, or New Coke coming back. New Coke. New Coke.
New Coke. All right. Unanimous. Everyone has
survived the other things happening already.
I mean, we've been through economic collapses.
We've been through world wars. We barely survived
New Coke the first time. Oh, it was by the skin
of our ass. Man, that was a tough time, wasn't
it? It was. I mean, it's like kale. You know,
if it touches you, you're like, oh, you're ruined.
Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Topher,
are you okay? Eric! Oh, man. I'm getting flashbacks
from when the kale people had me. We promise!
I'm sorry. I think I wet myself. Oh, I am so
sorry, Topher. I'm sorry to bring up that wretched
stuff. Yeah, well, I gotta deal with it sometime.
Yeah, you know what? Yeah, you know what? We
will get them back. For those who don't know,
Topher was kidnapped by the Kale Alliance, and
it was a horrible thing. It took him quite a
while to get loose. We didn't know what happened
to him. We're all praying every day, and finally
he came back, and he told us some horrible stories
about the kale people. Man, I had to learn their
language, kale speak, and it just felt ugly in
your mouth. Stay. Let them know. All right. You're
getting hot. You're getting hot. Oh, no, you're
cold. Oh, no, no, no. You're warming up. Oh,
no, no, you're cold. All right, Rob, what do
you got? I'm going to say C. I think I'm going
to go with the jungle. Okay. I'm going with the
jungle also. You don't know what's out there.
Yeah, this is true. Well, I like the ocean, so
I'm just going to stick with that. It's the wildlife.
Yeah. I mean, look, none of it's ideal, so I'm
just going to go with the ocean. The C. Right.
All right, I'm going to start us off with a fairly
gentle one. Okay. Which is the bigger threat?
When the weather changes, noisy plumbing or rolling
blackouts? Rolling blackouts. But noisy plumbing's
a close second. Yeah, noisy plumbing. You know
what? No, I change mine to noisy plumbing. That's
the worst. Yeah, yeah. Or you get ready to take
a shower and it goes... Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
that's the kind of thing that can wake you up
after you finally get to sleep. A rolling blackout
is a pretty quiet event. Yeah, you just keep
sleeping. This is true. No alarm, you have nothing
to worry about. Yeah. All right, that was nice
and gentle. Y 'all convinced me. That was nice
and gentle, Topher. Thank you. You're welcome.
All right. Which one is the biggest threat? A
.I. Takeover, buying moldy bread, or Vladimir
Putin as your personal trainer? A .I. Takeover.
I'm going to go Putin as my trainer. You're not
working out hard enough, soft American. You know
what? You're right. Yeah. Cute and be trying
to show you his penis. He'd be going, look at
this. Look at this. Look what I'm packing. Yeah.
Yeah. This is Vlad. Vlad is glad. You get that
little fucking meat thimble out of me, Vlad.
Get out of here. Don't rub that on me again.
I'll kill you. Sorry. All right, Rob, straighten
this out. Sorry. It's your turn. I just said
Vladimir Putin. Oh, oh. I lose track, too. We're
all talking, so. Yeah, this is true. This is
true. What was the first one? The first was what
I went with. Oh, okay. AI takeover. Buying moldy
bread. Yeah, AI takeover is what I went with.
Okay. Topher, what did you go with? I'm going
to have to go with Vladimir Putin as my personal
trainer. The same here. I mean, I could just
see him being a little bitch. You know, he's
a little sawed -off run as it is. He'd be over
there pushing you harder because you're American.
Five story because you might live, but you'd
probably be a paraplegic and all different kinds
of crazy shit. And it would hurt like fuck. Yeah,
that's a good point. Oh, yeah. At least from
the 50 and the 100, you know you're not going
to survive. So you can just, like, make your
peace on the way down. Yeah, five story, you're
going to wish you were dead if you lived. Either
way, five stories seems like the better choice.
I don't want to think about it for 100 stories
down. And what if they make you climb the stairs
to get there, too? Ah! Oh, damn! Like digging
your own grave. Yes! Be like, what? Sharpening
the axe that's going to cut your head off. Yes.
I've got to walk all the way up there and then
jump? Sorry, elevator's out. Yep. Rules are rules.
Sorry, guy. Yeah, you can extend your life by,
you know, walking really slowly up the stairs.
It seems like it takes five days to get to the
top. Yeah, I guess so. But you know, you're still
going to die. I'd be miserable though. You know
what? It sucks. That was a lot of work just to
fucking jump. Gosh. Tony Romo. Tony Romo. Tony
Romo. That was an easy one, wasn't it? And we're
two and a half hours away. You know, Jim Nance
probably wakes up at night screaming. I'm having
nightmares, man. He's not here, Jimmy. He's not
here. Thank you. And now here they're going to
do the whole 42 option. Yeah, yeah, you're going
to see this tight end over here run around to
the left, and then we're going to have the blocker
go to the right. And Jim's over there going,
fuck. All right, next one. What is the bigger
threat? The bagger price chopper smashing your
bread with heavy cans? Soaring gas prices? or
you wake up naked in Woody Allen's basement.
Woody Allen. Woody Allen. Yeah. Yeah. That guy's
weird. If you don't know, Google it. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Yeah, I believe he's on the Epstein list
too, isn't he? Yes, he is. I would not, it would
not surprise me if it is. Well, you know what
I mean, man? He does like his stepdaughters a
lot. Fucking old pervert. Anyhow. Alright, that
was unanimous. Alright, Rob. Oh, what? Nope,
I was never done. Oh, okay, sorry. So, me? Yes.
Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, it's going to have to
be Bruce the Moose. I'd rather French kiss a
cobra. Oh, speaking of that list. Yeah, I think
that the cobra and the alligator would be pretty
quick. Yeah. Yeah, and then he's going to be
bitching about everything and talking about how
horrible his life is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, fucking. At the autopsy, the coroner will
say that you died choking on righteousness. Oh,
I love that. Perfect. Mr. Springsteen should
follow the you first rule. Anything he says,
he does first. Definitely. That's totally fair.
Yeah. Yep. Bad drivers. Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Topher, how many times we... Oh, go ahead. Yeah,
every time we go down to the market, somebody
tries to kill us. At least three times. Yeah.
Yeah. I bet. It couldn't be any worse. I bet.
People would rather do anything except watch
the road. Yeah. How about this? Every three years,
your driver's license expires. You have to go
in and take the road test all over again. If
you fail, you can only have a self -driving car.
Oh, I love it. Love it. That works. Yeah. That
way you still get a car. You still get to go
wherever you want. You let it do it for you.
That's great with me. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I can
see that right now. And they probably have a
Tesla dealership right next door. Oh, yeah. Yeah,
it does. It does. All right. What is a bigger
threat? A bunion on your big toe that presses
against your shoe. a large paper cut on your
eyelid, or Skip Bayless moves next to your house
and gardens in spandex shorts. Oh. Skip Bayless.
Oh. Yeah. It's going to be Skip. Yeah, Skip.
Skip. I mean, a cut on your eyelid will heal.
Your big toe, you can have the bunion cut off.
Skip in those shorts, you'd never forget it.
You'd be scarred forever. And cowboy boots. Yes.
Oh. With spurs. I'm going to have night care.
I got spurs. That jingle, jangle, jingle. I'm
pushing. I'm pulling up the weeds from my daisies.
My name is Skip Tard, and I like little flowery
shorts. All right, I'm done. You guys go ahead.
Take it away. I'm sorry. Hey, hey, hey, come
here. Come here, Mark. No, no, come here. Look
at my spurs. What do they look like? On the left
foot, it'll be helmet. On the right foot, it'll
be anteater. It skippies the shaft. Sorry about
that visual, guys. I'm so sorry. Oh, yeah, I'm
having nightmares tonight. Thank you. And you
see his, like, his fucking G -string marks underneath
his little spandex shorts. And he's got male
camel toe. Very small, by the way, but male camel
toe. Yes. His nipples face down. Excuse me, I've
got to water my daisies. I'll be right back.
You can hear his loose skin on his ass cheeks
flapping when he's running. Hey there, Skippy.
alright Rob let's go to you save us Rob yes please
I was going with daughter. Yeah, I reached out.
Yeah, it's not pretty. I got to concur after
you said that. You become part of that bad day.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you'll come home and the wife
and daughter are going at it and your son is
hiding out in his room with his headphones on.
Yeah, yep. He knows that you have to deal with
it and he doesn't. He's up there fucking laughing
and pointing. I'm never having kids. Sucker.
Sucker. Mom got you, didn't she? Yeah, yeah,
yeah. It was a one night in Vegas, wasn't it?
Uh -huh. Yeah, she did that thing you like a
couple of times and that was it, wasn't it? Uh
-huh. Yep, yep. Now you're toast. Wow. All right.
Rob saved me. Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no.
No, no, no. That was Topher. Okay. I'm up next.
That's right. What's the bigger threat? This
is when you first wake up. Which is the bigger
threat? Your full bladder, not knowing what day
or even what time it is, or the three strangers
in bed with you? Bladder. Bladder. Yeah, yes.
The other stuff you can sort out and deal with.
The bladder? No. Those three strangers, we call
them dogs in this house. Oh, there you go. Yeah,
yeah. Yeah, whatever way the three strangers
wound up in bed with you, that's probably an
interesting story, but you're not going to hear
it on yourself. True. Right. That was a good
one. Yes, it was. Thank you, thank you. Okay,
and finally, my final one. What is a bigger threat?
Being forced to watch The View all day. Oh. A
day at the Vatican dressed as a schoolboy. George
Soros' saggy ball sack accidentally touching
you. I don't know. This one was so exceptionally
horrible, I don't know. Wow. Yeah. Can we choose
all the above? All the above. Yeah, I got all
the above. That's the only thing I can come up
with. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, wow. Yeah,
but I mean, you have to be at the Vatican dressed
as a schoolboy, or you have to watch The View
all day. Good point. You're screwed either way.
Yeah, I think a bullet. Okay, go ahead. Okay.
I'm using mine now. I'm using mine, too. I think
we all are. Ding, ding, ding. We all are. Wait
till next week. I'm going to come up with something
worse. Every month, it's going to be on Mark.
Yeah, absolutely. Oh, no. Next week, I'm going
to fuck things up again. You watch. I kind of
take it as a challenge now. Yeah, please. Okay.
Here's my final one. What's the biggest threat?
Hanging out with a famous actor slash actress?
Hanging out with a famous musician? Or hanging
out with a co -host with two douchebags and a
microphone? Co -host with two douchebags and
a microphone. Good way to get in trouble. Because
they have to watch what they say. We know. Yeah,
true. Good point. I never would have thought
of that. That's excellent. That is really, really
good. cardboard that sticks to your delivery
pizza, swallowing the weird thing that was floating
in your soup, or trying to figure out what you
stepped in by the smell. That's another bad one.
I think I'm going to go with the soup. I'm going
to go with the soup, too. Nothing's worse than,
like, fucking swallowing something unidentified
in liquid. Yeah, yeah, you don't really know.
You're like questioning whether it was a chewy
piece of dough or, you know, of crust or whether
it was cardboard. You don't really ever know.
Yeah, yeah, I'm going to have to go with the
soup as well because that's bound to make me
throw up, like, right away. Yeah. That's just
wrong. Yeah, I mean, was it a fly? Was it a pubic
hair? What the fuck was it? You know, you're
forever questioning it. Yes. All right. Well,
should we take our first break and come back
with some emails? Sounds good. All right. And
Topher, by the way, you're getting indoctrinated
into the emails. Someone already got you. Okay.
Yep, yep, yep. Someone already got you. We will
be right back. Since the dawn of time, weird
shit has happened. Strange occurrences, unexplained
phobias, and other odd happenings. Over the next
minute, we would like to bring you odd, rare
phobias and conditions. Red ear syndrome is a
rare, often chronic neurological disorder characterized
by intense, burning pain and intense redness
in one or both external ears. Attacks last from
seconds to hours. often triggered by touching,
heat, or movement, and are frequently associated
with migraine or cervical spine issues. While
usually harmless, it is often difficult to treat,
though it might respond to migraine meds. Hey
there. We all have those annoying co -workers
that do nothing. There's nothing we can do about
it because HR departments are running scared
of lawyers. So we have to work with these worthless
pieces of garbage. But we have to communicate
about them without them knowing about it. Here
at Two Douchebags Microphone, we developed a
way that you can speak about them right in front
of them without them knowing about it. Stay tuned.
Cordless only works 40 minutes. E .T. always
wants to go home. Kit Kat always taking a break.
Muffler always exhausted. Seaweed floats around
all day. Sensor light only works when someone
walks by. Wheelbarrow only works when pushed.
Good evening, friends and neighbors. I'm going
to read to you a list of hypocrites. Self -righteous
assholes that want to tell you what you're doing
wrong, but will not address this for themselves.
One newer issue among these dollards is the stolen
land gimmick. They tell us we need to give up
the land back, but when they were confronted,
they offered nothing. therefore hypocrites and
liars. Alyssa Milano, hypocrite and a liar. Mark
Ruffalo, hypocrite and a liar. Jane Fonda, longtime
hypocrite, liar. Elizabeth Warren, longtime idiot,
liar, hypocrite. Leonardo DiCaprio, your name
might be on a list somewhere that just came out.
I don't know, possibly. Maybe you need to shut
your mouth. Yeah, you probably do. Billie Eilish,
liar. Ben and Jerry, liars. We go on for another
hour, but you get the point. I once again present
to you the You First Movement. This is when you
mouth off about stolen land or anything else,
you go first. You live on stolen land, you give
your land back, but until this happens, shut
the fuck up. Out. And now we look in on the adventures
of the Technical Explanation Guy. Why, excuse
me, my dear sir. Could you please direct me to
the nearest self -employed person in a motorized
vehicle that will transport me where I ask them
to in exchange for money and a tip? Do you mean
an Uber ride? Well, yes. Yes, I do mean an Uber
ride. Then just say an Uber ride, you dumb motherfucker.
And why are you constantly following me around
asking me stupid questions? Fucking idiot. Have
you ever wondered what something is about? Have
you ever looked at something and said, Hmm, I
wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so have
we. That's why we give you The Origin Of. This
is the origin of eyeliner. Eyeliner originated
in ancient Egypt and it's been used for thousands
of years across cultures and chad young men from
nomadic clans or coal eyeliner to attract wives.
Indian Qatali dancers wore kajal to tell stories
through their eyes. In Iran, women use eyeliner
as a symbol of resistance. Welcome back to the
Douchebag Gangbang. I am the Mark portion of
the three -way. I am here at the Talk is Cheap
studio at the extreme southern tip of the Kansas
City Metroplex. That was horrible, but go ahead.
warm in here, and so far, no migraine. Excellent.
Good. Glad to hear that, Topher. Good. Right
on. Thank you. I think you may not get one now
because I think the front is well biased, so
hopefully that's it. Yeah, I think if I was going
to get one, I would have gotten it by now. Yeah,
it's usually right before the air pressure changes
usually get you. So, all right. We have some
emails here. And like I said, the very last one
is one that Topher gets indoctrinated on. So
get used to it because they pester us. They pester
the shit out of us, Topher. So I think take it
as a compliment, right? Okay. Okay. All right.
Hey, guys. Every time I turn on two douchebags
and microphone, my dog starts humping my Bluetooth.
I'm not sure what to do. Jim in Arizona. Let
him finish. We are. You let him finish, Jim.
Gosh. Yeah, that's the standard response is let
him finish. Yeah, let him finish. Yeah, that
brings bro code all the way around right there.
Jim, does anyone bust into the bathroom on you
when you're fucking yanking it? No. Do they make
you stop fucking pulling your Johnson? No. Then
don't fucking bother your dog. That's his version
of pulling his fucking wiener. It's his dick.
He can do whatever he wants. Leave him alone.
Geez. He wants to shove a pencil in there? Do
what? If we could reach, we would be doing it
all the time. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah,
Jim. What kind of a kid? That shows facts. Yeah.
I mean, just don't watch your dog either, okay?
And don't look him in the eye when he's doing
it. Yeah, yeah, because that could lead to some
bad things. Yeah, so don't look me in the eye.
You need to wank off in front of him. I always
wanted to just go out in the yard and take a
dump with my dog, see what they do. They turn
around and go, what the fuck? Hey, hey, hey,
Tucker, one of our dogs, Foster's another one.
Hey, Tucker, come over here. What the fuck's
he doing? Looks like he's taking a shit. Why
is he doing that? He's got a bathroom. What the
fuck's wrong with him? I can just see it right
now. They give the RCA Victor. All right. All
right. Next one. With the addition of Topher,
there goes my hope of you guys just giving up.
Now I have to listen to every shit. Now I have
to listen to every show twice to figure out just
how bad the show sucks. Wanda in Kansas. I would
listen four times. Yes, thank you, Wanda. Listen
four times. Make sure we suck that bad. It's
kind of hard to suck that bad. You have to make
sure we do. Yeah, there you go. Make a game out
of it. And you can do like the degree of suck.
It could be like, you know, half suck, full on
suck, kind of suck. Yeah. Make a drinking game
out of it. Yeah. Oh, there you go. Every time
they suck, oh, no, no, no, they die of alcohol
poisoning. Okay, forget it. That's true. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time we don't suck,
no, then they'd never have a drink. No, no, no,
then they'd be thirsty. Hmm. Yeah. You know what?
Do whatever the fuck you want. We don't care.
They'll figure it out. Yeah, yeah. Wanda and
Kansas will figure it out. All right, next one.
Mark, you used a character a while back on your
music news segment. His name was Rip Blankenship.
What happened to him? I like that character and
would like to hear more from him. Please and
thank you. You're the best. Wesley, Lake Perry,
Illinois. Okay. He wasn't on the music news.
He was on something else. I think he gave...
What was it? Rip Blankenship. He was like an
on -the -spot reporter. Yeah, he did like...
Yeah, he was doing... Yeah, he wasn't music news.
No, he was like... I think he gave you like travel
tips or something. Something like that, yeah.
Wesley. I'll look that up. I'll find it and I'll
figure out. But I'll do more of it, whatever
he does. I think he gave travel tips or something.
I think he did a live spot on the tarmac and
a plane ran him over. I don't know. I can't remember.
Anyhow, Wesley, I'll get back to you. Thank you.
Yeah, all the reporters go all out. They really
do. Yes, they do. I mean, especially Jeffy X.
Yeah. Yeah, Jeffy X has been shot at. He's been,
like, electrocuted. He had his balls ripped open
with an electric can opener. I mean, it was bad.
But he's still around. All right, next one. I
was listening to your podcast Tuesday night.
The Dallas area where I live had some horrible
storms going on. Did you know the streaming service
on my phone that I use was able to broadcast
a severe weather warning over your show? I was
pissed. This happened several times during the
show. I tried to record it, but it wouldn't pick
up. Thought y 'all might find that odd like me.
Love the new show, Rossington in Texas. Thank
you, Ross. Thank you, Rossington. Yeah, because
it's your phone, they can put it on there. It's
real easy for them to do. It's kind of like the
Amber Alert, right? Yeah, yeah. Actually, I do
have Amber Alerts come over and work and stuff.
Yeah, they do it the same way. They just override
it. And as far as severe weather, I mean, it's
that time of year, especially for you guys down
there. And, I mean, you just got to put up with
it. I mean, we get them up here, too, and we
get a lot of them. And, I mean, just rewind it
or something, I guess. I wish I had a better
answer for you, Rossington. I don't. Anybody
else got anything? Have you guys noticed the
flaw in Amber Alerts? Because when my phone goes
off with an Amber Alert, it makes that god -awful
noise, and the only way to make it stop is to
touch the message, which makes it go away before
I've had a chance to read it. Oh my god, you're
right. You're right. Yeah, yeah. I have to sit
there and listen to that noise in order to read
what the Amber Alert's all about. And nobody
does that. Me too. They need to figure that part
out. They do, and that's a great point. I didn't
even think about that. I'm just so used to hitting
it going, shut up. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Okay, next
one. I love the newer show with Christopher added.
Just thought I would give you a solid thumbs
up. Christopher's volume was an issue. I couldn't
hear him in my Bluetooth at work, but on the
last show he came in a little bit better. I could
hear him. Take care, my friends. Ronnie and Tulsa,
the Tulsa King. Yay. Thank you, Ronnie. Okay.
Yeah, I think I'm going to invent a Bluetooth
headset that's got a built -in mic, and that
way it'll just take care of everything. Yeah,
that's what I used. Okay, Ronnie in Tulsa, thank
you. That means a lot. You know Ronnie in Tulsa's
royalty, Topher. Yes, he is. So if we got his
blessing on this, I know we're doing something
right. So thank you, Ronnie. Keep up the good
work. We really appreciate you. You've been here
since day one. We love you guys. All right, next
one. Rob, I have a Leonard Skinner cover band
called A Few Guys Playing Skinner Stuff. Okay.
I'm completely serious. Okay. We played Harold's
Tavern before and A Few Bonfires. Rob. We really
need you as a dancer in your loincloth. People
are screaming for it. Mitch, the guy that looks
like Ronnie Van Zandt but plays bass but can't
sing. All right. Well, some people argue. At
least he's honest. Some people argue whether
Ronnie Van Zandt could sing. I don't know. That's
true. Well, Corinthians just went back. going
to be working Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday
from 7 p .m. to 7 a .m., but she does have to
work one weekend a month, so I could probably
squeeze in one weekend a month. There you go.
Mitch, the guy that looks like Ronnie Van Zandt
but plays bass but can't sing a lick. But I have
to get Princess's permission. All right, Mitch.
You may have your wish. All right. That's cool.
All right. And then finally, Topher, you've been
indoctrinated, so here you go. All right. Topher,
I would like to hear your famous chickpea and
roasted garlic hummus recipe. Thanks, man. Terry
in Omaha. Oh, all right. Well, get the canned
chickpea and take them out and rinse them really
well to get all the goo off. Then dry them. And
then coat with olive oil. salt and pepper, and
roast them in the oven at a high temperature
until they start to turn color, and then dump
them in your food processor with some tahini
paste, and process until smooth, and there you
go. That was actually, but no joke, was it? That
sounded like an odd recipe to me. I think that
was, wasn't it? They thought they were going
to get a zinger in on you and you answered with
a real answer. Yeah. I just think it's funny.
It only took three shows and they already got
you. They're like a fucking cobra waiting in
the bush getting ready to strike you. There he
is right there. All right. Rob, let's go to you.
All right. I know what's coming up. Yeah! There
it is. Rob's bag of garbage. The greatest segment
known to mankind ever. Okay. I got it up on my
computer. Oh, my gosh. That is an interesting
looking thing. It's cool. I would love to have
one for a tat. It would be cool. Oh, yeah. It
would be great. Take it to school parties and
shit. Shall we do? Hell, yeah. All right. Do
you have any more bag of garbage? That was in
the bag tonight. Okay. All right. Topher. All
right. Fake buildings are disguised structures
used to hide urban infrastructure such as electrical
substations, subway ventilators, emergency exits,
and sewage pumping stations behind facades that
blend into residential or commercial neighborhoods.
These decoys often feature fake windows and sealed
doors to disguise industrial equipment as ordinary
townhomes or commercial buildings, protecting
property values and city aesthetics. will have
an odd feature such as no ceiling and no interior,
nothing but just the front, like the Hollywood
false front, or blacked -out windows. Examples
of fake buildings at 58 Jora Lemon Street in
New York City is the famous Brooklyn Heights
townhouse that acts as a subway ventilator and
emergency exit. It has blacked -out windows.
garden in London. It's a facade with no building
behind it created to maintain the appearance
of a terrace while hiding a train passage. Oh,
wow. And in Paris, the subway vents are townhouses
without roofs or interiors that serve as ventilation
chimneys for the metro, their version of the
subway. And then in Los Angeles, oil rigs were
historically hidden with fake buildings or even
fake islands if they were offshore. Isn't that
weird? Wow. Wow. I never knew that. I didn't
either. I saw a video on YouTube of a guy walking
around in New York and pointing out some of the
fake buildings and what they were used for. Wow.
It's kind of creepy in a way. That is. It's just
like an ordinary thing. It's kind of like those
cell phones that are disguised as trees. Yeah.
Or cell towers, not phones. And the only way
you can tell on some of them is if you get up
there a little bit closer and you're like, wait
a minute. Wow. You know, the interesting thing
about this from my perspective, these structures
are owned by transit authorities, utility companies,
et cetera. So they are not residential. So the
post office would know it's not a residential
delivery. They would know it's business. That's
a good point. I've had places like that on some
of the routes I've delivered. It looks just like
a regular house, but never has a delivery. You
never see any tracks in the snow. You never see
any activity there except people cutting the
grass and then leaving. On at least one of them,
I looked it up in my route book, and it wasn't
even in there. Just didn't have an address. Just
according to the post office, it did not exist.
somebody and they're like yeah so who cares that's
that's interesting because i think i remember
reading in some of kansas city history okay you
you're we we're all familiar somewhat at least
with the savella crew that used to run kansas
city right we're talking about you know organized
crime um they had this place over there in uh
columbus park allegedly allegedly yes allegedly
Yeah. Thank you. They have this place over there
called The Trap. Familiar? It's called The Trap.
And that's where they like all went and did their
business talking and all that stuff. And one
of the things from what I read was the way the
FBI caught on was that building did not have
an address and they didn't know why. Yeah. Yeah,
so. Well. Wow. Okay, that's pretty interesting
with some of the history and stuff going on too.
Wow, I mean, I wonder how long they've been doing
it. I think they've been doing it for quite a
while. Okay. And there's a couple that hit pretty
close to home. 5700 Belinder Avenue in Fairway,
Kansas. It's a sewer pumping station. Belinder.
It looks like a nice house on a corner lot. Two
-car garage, brick front, nice lawn. Yeah, that's
where... Okay. Huh. That's where... 7490 Knoll
Avenue in Prairie Village, Kansas. Another sewer...
How in the world did they get around stoning
law? Yeah. Hmm. I'm going to go back and read
some history books. I think there's a lot of
stuff like that that's been going on for a long
time, but on other facets, too. Interesting.
Yeah. Yeah. All right. The subway system in New
York has been around since the late 1800s, so
they probably built a lot of ventilation stacks
and disguised them as homes. Yeah, something
tells me there's some really interesting history
in that. I think so. Okay. All right. Thank you,
Topher. Let's take our second break. And what
I have here I already spoke to you guys about
is this is a list of classic TV shows that if
Hollywood was to bring them back, what type of
a twist they would put on it. Okay? Right? Okay,
so it's going to be a social justice type of
thing, we're pretty sure. So when we come back,
we're going to go into a little bit of that,
okay? All right. It's going to be something,
we'll put it that way. Yeah, it's going to be
something, yeah. All right, you guys wait there.
You know, whatever you do, whatever you wait,
it doesn't matter. We don't care. We're not seeing
you, we're not watching you, and we don't hear
you. So have fun with whatever you're doing.
But we'll be back. All right. Christopher, you
know our elaborate prank section, right? Mm -hmm.
Okay, well, I've got one for you. I never told
you about Babble Snatch, have I? No. Okay, even
if I did, just say I didn't know. He knows nothing
about Babble Snatch. Yeah, I think I remember
a name like Babble Snatch. Okay. Well, Babble
Snatch, this is back in the 80s, probably mid
-80s. Best guess. Could have been 87 at the latest.
But anyhow, yeah, I used to go to the 7 -Eleven
in Belvedere, which isn't there now. It was knocked
down and then replaced way later by a quick trip.
But anyhow, I used to go in there all the time
and, you know, go in there and buy sodas and
shit and whatever, you know, rolling papers for
my friends, not for me. And anyhow, you know,
just shit like that. So anyhow, there's this
guy in there. I don't know, you know, I think
he hated long hairs or something. But, hey, I
noticed he was nice to everybody but me. Like,
I'd be, like, third in line. And, anyhow, you
know, the first guy, hey, Mr. Jones, how you
doing? Oh, man, yeah, nice weather. Hey, how's
the kid? You know, next person, hi, Loretta,
how you doing? Oh, man, yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's
going good, man. I got the old Taurus running
really good. Yeah, yeah, come by, man. The old
Taurus. Yeah, you know, I'd come up there. 142.
So, how you doing? 142. Okay, here you go. And
I'm like, what the hell? How come this guy hates
me? And every time I go in there, nice as pie
to everybody but me, it's like, just like, yeah,
it'd be 249. So, weather's pretty nice out there.
Thanks, bye. I'm like, that motherfucker. So
he did this so many times, and he just never
talked to me. He wouldn't even, like, hardly
look at me, you know. And I never did nothing
to this fucker that I know of. You know, maybe
someone said something, like this guy said, you
know, that you're a dick, or maybe someone's
screwing with him, like, hey, man, you think
she's got a nice ass? Who knows? Whatever the
fucking deal was, the guy was just a complete
tool bag to me constantly. So I was like, all
right, bitch. So I go home, and I think about
it. I'm like, okay. So I start calling up, and
I go, hey, you got any Babble Snatch gum? What?
Babble Snatch. Everybody, I mean, I bought it
from there a couple weeks ago. Stuff is fucking
awesome, man. I'll tell you what, man, talk to
your manager about it. Is this like a breath
freshening gum? I don't, you know. Maybe a bubble
gum? I just came up with it. And anyhow, the
guy, he bid on it, you know. He was like, oh,
yeah, I'll check on it for you. That's awesome.
Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate it. So anyhow,
so I called back a little bit later. Yeah, someone
called earlier, you know. And anyhow, I'm sure
we have it here somewhere. But, you know, I'll
talk to my manager about it tonight, and we'll
see what we can do. So anyhow. I have a couple
other people call it about babble snatch gum
and, you know, and they're like, yeah, yeah,
yeah. You know, we're, we're working on getting
it in. Okay. You know, the regional manager,
we called him and he said that he was going to
work on getting it in here. And, and I go, well,
you know, I bought it the other day and it's
just so good. And they believe me. I go, man,
this gum is just so great tasting. And he's like,
it's babble snatch, right? Yeah. Babble snatch.
That's the name of it. Okay. All right. I would
have loved to listen to another conversation
when he's asking the regional manager. about
babble snatch oh yeah so you know anyhow i called
down there the next day and i go hey man you
know you got that babble snatch gum you know
the guy's like oh hang on hang on i think it's
in we just had a load hang on so anyhow so the
guy's like you know and this is the guy i hated
the paul guy so anyhow he's like yeah hang on
a second so i hear him like yeah hey i'm gonna
go to the back there and it's in one of the boxes
they said it was coming in today so all right
no big deal so i hear him go back i hear some
rustling and a couple people coming in then he
stops he goes up there oh yeah it'd be 12 42
okay thank you have a good day and then he helps
someone else i hear him go back again i hear
him wrestling through some more boxes meanwhile
i'm laughing my ass off anyhow this guy he like
for like 20 minutes is looking for babble snatch
gum so anyhow so like finally like a half hour
later he comes back he goes man he goes look
i know we're gonna have it in by the end of the
day i talked to my manager okay all right man
all right i'll come in at night and i'll get
some gum man save some for me man okay My name's
Billy. I'll be in. Okay, okay, all right. I'll
save you some Babel Snatch gum. No problem. So
a couple hours later, I call up and I talk to
the manager. The manager's like, yeah, yeah,
I ordered some a couple days ago and it should
be in. If it's not in right now, it's going to
be in by the end of the day. I guarantee you.
So I don't know how the hell they ordered it
because there was no such thing as Babel Snatch
gum. I made the shut up and all of a sudden,
I mean, everybody wanted this fucking Babel Snatch
gum. And it never did exist. Matter of fact,
this prank. got so good to where i ended up this
is you know in the 80s before digital cameras
even let alone you know there are phone cameras
and all the you know photoshop and everything
no internet no we had to like cut stuff out of
wrappers and stuff and make a fake babble snatch
gum and take an old fashion fashion like Polaroid
type of picture. Oh, yeah. I forgot what it was.
It could have been one of those little box cameras
back then. Probably the only thing I could afford,
you know. Hey, we actually took a picture of
the Babble Snatch gum. And a guy went in there.
He goes, hey, man, I need this. The guy's like,
I know, I know, I know, man. We're working on
getting it in. It's hard to get, man. Everybody
wants this Babble Snatch gum. So, anyhow, I guess
the whole moral of the story is don't be a dick
to me because then I'll do something like that.
And even now, to this day, I'll have a couple
people on my friends list every now and then
like, send me a little message, and it'll go,
Babble Snatch. I'm like, ah! I remember one time
I was working up in fucking New York or something,
and all of a sudden I get a ding, and I'm on
top of this fucking skyscraper they were putting
in glass, and I look down and it says, Babble
Snatch. I'm like, fuck! I'm up there dying in
this glass, about ready to fall and kill a hundred
people. They recover your body and they look
at your phone. Well, the last text you received
said Babble Snatch. We better look into this.
By some guy named Dirtbag. Yeah. So anyhow, that
is my elaborate prank section of this. Unless
we throw some more in there, but anyhow. Babble
Snatch. Never forget it. This name lives on.
Two douchebags and a microphone. The audio equivalent
to the meat sweats. This is Joshua Belmont, your
food for thought man on The Hustle. Today, we
need to focus on the genius Franklin Harris for
inventing the jukebox override. Some dumbass
puts down a hundred on the Melvins to last all
night. No worry, thanks to Mr. Harris. Just put
in a buck a song to override shitty music and
you can be the hero. Mr. Harris, not many stop
to admire your fine work, but we do here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone. Thank you, Mr. Harris,
for being a patriotic, great human being. Hey,
good kid, no one gives an ounce of shit what
you had for breakfast. Not even the person on
the other end. You look like a mentally slow
driv yelling into thin air all through the store.
I pray that Bluetooth shorts you out and blows
up your eardrums. One may consider self -centered
dunce. Bonnie constantly coddled this dummy and
it fucking shows. Go the fuck home and bore your
dog. Wait, you probably forgot the theming because
you're too busy looking in the mirror all day.
Fuck off. I smell bacon. No, Wade, it's just
Mark sweating. People often ask, how do we cram
so much funny into one little show? Well, it's
simple. We buy funny in bulk on the internet.
Hey, Mark, you're wanted at the front door. There's
a big bag of funny they need you to sign for.
Okay, thanks a lot. I'll be right there. I'm
still sorting out the funny we got from yesterday.
There's your answer. We buy funny in bulk on
the internet. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
What do you tell when you're out of invisible
ink? I may never know. Our constant pursuit for
a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from
an alien. Real hilarity. You are dressed like
an assistant debate coach at an Ohio State middle
school. Next up, things overheard in hell. Hurry
up. Kim Jong -un is playing Santa at the mall
again this year. Yay! Sir, I see your qualifications
here. May I ask some further questions that could
help me determine your employment eligibility?
Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here,
we have a large population of different ethnic
backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are you by
chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure why
you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. Your mom is so old, she walked
out of the museum and the alarm went off. Oh
shit. What's that over there? Oh no. It's the
island of horrible jokes. I asked my date to
meet me at the gym. She didn't show up. I guess
we're not going to work out. Hey, gangbang, I
am the Mark III of this from the Talk is Cheap
studio at the extreme southern tip of the Kansas
City Metroplex. Mm -mm. Mm -mm. And I am Rob
in Wiesman, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and also home of the Patriot
Moat Country Store, where you can find all your
needs, including with the selfie with the green
Sinclair diamond. in the Paisley Possum studio
just south of historic Waldo, Missouri. The coffee
is freshly brewed and hot, available 24 hours
a day. I'm about to turn the space heater off
because I'm getting very, very warm. And I think
I need to hydrate because my eyes are making
a scratching sound. Probably so. Well, all right.
I don't have a name for this segment at all,
but... It basically is, you take the classic
TV shows, whatever they are, Gilligan's Island
or something, and Hollywood looks at them and
goes, let's bring it back, but we can't have
just a bunch of ordinary white people on there.
We've got to do something to it, right? We've
got to make it more hip, more nowadays. We've
got to teach people lessons, all right? So I
am going to give you guys a choice of three of
how the TV show is going to be. So I'm going
to start off like this. I dream of Jeannie. Okay,
the first suggestion is Jeannie wants to be free
from her white master. The second one is Jeannie
tries to enroll in college so she can leave her
captor. Or the third one is Jeannie has an affair
with Major Healy who likes to dress up like a
Victorian -era model. I'm going to... I'm going
to Major Healy, too. Over. Yeah, I think so,
because she's having an affair, which is very
popular on TV. Yeah. And then dressing is something
other than what you are presumed to be. That's
also very popular. Yes. Yeah, I think that would
get a lot of viewers. I think so, too. So, all
right. So, Major Healy is a Victorian -era model.
Sounds scary. But I think it'll work. I think
so. All right. How about Leave it to Beaver?
That nice little show, right? All right. The
first suggestion is, number one, would be Beaver
gets caught jerking off to squish porn. And you
all should understand he's just different. Or...
Number two would be Wally knocks up his school
teacher that's 30 years older, but we have to
accept that love is love. I can see that one
too. Yeah, definitely. Or number three, Ward
is a massive alcoholic that beats June because
he's an older white man and all of them are bad.
Ding, ding, we have a winner. Three. Yeah. Three.
Yeah. Nope, nope. There you go, Ward. Yep. You
old bastard. That'll learn you. Hey, how about
the Little Rascals? Remember those guys? Yeah.
Alright. The number one suggestion is Spanky
has HIV and is embarrassed because of the stigma.
Yeah. Number two. Alfalfa accidentally killed
his brother in a weird machete accident and is
facing life in prison. I don't know how that
machete accident went down, but it did. It was
a little rascals. Oh, they're supping those little
scamps. Okay. We're number three. Buckwheat likes
to be pegged by other boys and is afraid of homophobic
stereotypes, so he cries all day. Oh, that's
Buckwheat. Buckwheat, yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah,
yep. Yeah, yeah. I think that's safer than, you
know, Alfalfa going to jail. I mean, everyone
loves a good prison show, but I think you can
get more of your message across with Buckley
getting paid. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it would fit
better on MTV. And I heard a rumor how... Yeah,
true. I heard a rumor how Spanky got the Hiv,
but I'm not going to say. I'll just leave that
alone. I'll leave that for everyone else. And
then finally, Mary Tyler Moore. Remember that
lovable lady? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, works in a newsroom, all kinds of crazy
shit. So, all right, we got number one suggestion
would be Mary gets drunk at an office party and
fucks Lou, her boss, and has an abortion, but
it's a secret. Yeah, yeah, she's a shady little
bitch, isn't she? Yeah, she is. Yeah, scandalous.
Number two, Lou Grant and Ted Baxter enjoy anal
sex but can't tell their wives without breaking
up the family. Yeah. Or number three, Rhonda
likes to do cocaine and hooks for it. She also
went to rehab but broke out to do more coke for
tricks. Yeah, that's a tough one. I'm going to
say Mary gets drunk at the office party and she
fucks Lou. I just want that to happen. Yeah.
I figured it already did. It probably did. It
probably did. You can tell she's filthy. Anyhow,
that's all I got of that one. We will all look
forward to more of those coming up. Just a fair
warning. Oh, no, I know. We did it slightly different,
but yours is great, so go ahead. Oh, all right.
The first one I have is All in the Family. In
this newest version, the cast includes a white
Christian conservative dad, a gender -fluid mom
who is having an affair with the ghost of Reverend
Jimmy Jones, a daughter who lets her cell phone
tell her what to do, and her husband... I think
I'll watch that one. Yes. I might watch that
one. I might watch that one, too. I want to see
if the guy ever succeeds being a suicide bomber.
Ooh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'd be fun. All right.
All right, the next reboot I have is The Waltons.
In the reboot, it's a large family of unrelated
immigrants who share a house in the mountains.
Okay. And accuse everyone in town of being racist.
All right. Okay, I like that one. Very good.
All right. Next on the program is Charlie's Angel,
which is three drag queens quit their jobs at
the phone sex call center and go to work for
Charlie as paid protesters. I see that one. That's
my favorite one of all of them. That's good.
All right. Remember Hill Street Blues? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we're going to do a reboot of that, only
it's going to be done in the style of the Police
Academy movie. All the cops are corrupt idiots
who accidentally shoot each other repeatedly.
We've got to have a good cop -bashing show to
win a certain segment, don't we? I like that
one a lot. Golden Girls. This is going to be
renamed the Golden Shower Girls. They have OnlyFans
pages. Are they old? Are they old still? They're
all living together and they all have the OnlyFans
and that's how they pay their bills. Oh, alright.
Yeah. Does it ever show them tinkling in a cup
or something or in a can or something? Okay,
and then do they piss on each other, too? Yeah,
I think that causes, you have to, like, you have
the higher tier subscription to get, like, two
or three of them on the video at the same time
peeing on each other. Oh, shit, man. I knew it.
Damn it. All I can afford is the one -off. Yeah,
it's always a paywall, you know. Yeah, yeah.
Well, what is the free, they usually give you
a free sample, right? I mean, if... A free subscription
for a little bit? I mean, do I get like five
days of enjoying that fun, or do you know? Yeah,
I think you get about five days that you only
get to watch one of them peeing on the floor.
Okay, I'll take it. I'll take it. You know, allegedly,
the valedictorian of my high school graduating
class liked to be peed on. Hmm. And every time
somebody would come in to pee, he'd be standing
there in the bathtub saying, pee on me, man.
Come on. Just pee on me. Oh, how'd they get that
out of that? Oh, they're stretching. Allegedly.
They're reaching. Allegedly. Okay. I don't know.
He was probably just an undocumented urologist.
That's what I think. I agree. Yeah. Those poor
guys. All right. Night Rider. Remember with the
talking car? Oh yeah, yeah. Kip. Okay, in this
reboot, the car is a cyber truck and the whole
thing is basically a love affair with Tesla and
an advertisement for their vehicle. In every
show, the humans are stupid and the intelligent
cyber truck always saves the day. Yes. Let's
see the driver's name. Let's call him Billy,
okay? Billy? Yes. Did you pick up the milk you're
supposed to for your wife? Oh, shit. That's what
I thought. And then you hear the fake laughter
and the Wilhelm laugh and all that. You got me
again. Ooh, you old cyber truck, you. You got
me. All right, the last one I've got is the Fresh
Prince of Bel -Air. In the reboot, he's a real
prince, and he moves to Bel -Air to reclaim stolen
land that was stolen from his ancestors. Of course.
There was no fun in that without those guys.
No, no. Gotta have their point of view in it.
Yes, yes. Even though they didn't give up their
homes. Yes. The rumor is that the Billie Eilish
character will be a whiny little crybaby. Wow.
Boy, they're trying to get as accurate as possible,
aren't they? I wonder if she's capable of acting
like that. I wouldn't call it acting. That's
like Courtney Love playing a fucking drug addict
on The People vs. Larry Flint. They're all going,
oh, she was so good. I'm like, what? She's playing
herself, dumbass. Thank you. We can't forget,
Rob wanted us to do Asshole of the Week. Oh,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. All right. Rob,
do you want to do the honors? Okay, my asshole.
Yeah, go ahead. Okay, my Asshole of the Week
is out of 432 total members of the House of Representatives,
I'm nominating all 357 who voted to refer House
Resolution 1100. Back to the ethics committee
effectively killing the bill. Now, House Resolution
1100 would have required the immediate and full
release of all investigations into sexual misconduct
by members of the House of Representatives. Oh,
I read about that. Yep. Yeah. So, 357 out of
432 voted to basically kill the bill in fighting
their sexual misconduct. Yeah, bullshit. They
protect each other. Yep, that's the way it's
been going and that's the way it's going to be.
Yeah. Alright, Rob? Okay, my asshole of the week
goes to, you guessed it, Shia LaBeouf. And he
turned around and beat the crap out of three
people because supposedly they touched him. I'm
so sorry. I'm 57 years old. I've been in many
bars. I've been in many nightclubs. Somebody's
touching me. It's just a thing. You go on. You'll
beat the shit out of everybody in the place.
So he gets my asshole of the week. Face it, dude.
You got a problem. Very well deserved. Okay,
my asshole of the week is, I'm going to go ahead,
there's several different people and areas I
could do the asshole of the week is on this whole
situation, but I'm going to go ahead and go to
that piece of shit lawyer that got the guy off
that fucking killed the lady at the Chief's Parade.
Oh, yes. Yeah. Because people could say the prosecuting
attorney. You could say all these different things.
But I decided that fucking scammy, fucking dirty
-ass lawyer that decided he was going to take
money to get that piece of shit back on the street.
Yep. And that is my asshole of the week. I don't
know what his name is. I tried to look it up.
But whoever that is, he should be the asshole
of the decade. But I'm going to go ahead and
go with the week. So, all right. You know, I
heard someone talking about that on TV, and they
said it had something to do with the stand your
ground law. Yes. That somehow that applies. Yeah.
Yeah, and that's why I went ahead and went with
a lawyer instead of anybody else. So, you know,
I hope that motherfucker who got him off, I hope
his mom's really fucking proud of this stupid
ass. Maybe he'll come back and fucking clip one
of his family members and see how he feels. Yeah,
it's bullshit, complete bullshit. So anyhow,
yeah, that's, you know, I could go on and on
about that, but I won't. So it is now 930. Rob
has to get up in the morning. So I'm going to,
quite frankly, I'm just going to ask Rob, do
you wish to continue or do you have to call this
a wrap? Okay. All right. Let's see. I was going
to go into here real quick. I just wanted to
let me see where it's at. You know what? Oh,
yeah, yeah, yeah. Songs That Make You Leave a
Bar is going to be one of the segments coming
up at the Music Creeps. Oh, that's a good one.
Yeah, yeah. And I got quite a few of them. And
so this is coming up Tuesday. It'll probably
be posted Wednesday, something like that. So
this I'm going to try to get to you tonight or
tomorrow morning before I go to work. So hopefully
this will be up. And thank you guys for joining
the Douchebag Gangbang. We can't promise that
we don't get any secretion on you, but thanks
for joining. Anyhow, everybody, thank you for
listening. You were spreading the word. I mean,
our numbers are fantastic. I appreciate it so,
so much. I mean, gosh, man, it's just been excellent.
Right, guys? Yes, it has. No problem. Yep, but
go fuck yourself. Yeah. Go fuck yourself. Goodnight,
assholes. Okay, goodnight, assholes, but still
go fuck yourself. Oh, no. Looks like the show's
over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't
afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll
be back invading your ear holes soon.