WEBVTT 00:00:03.790 --> 00:00:09.269 Good evening. All the obtuse, incognizant, unsagacious, 00:00:09.570 --> 00:00:14.410 ill -informed, dull -witted, adulpated, dunder 00:00:14.410 --> 00:00:17.750 -headed, feather -brained, muddle -headed, but 00:00:17.750 --> 00:00:22.829 lovable listeners. This is your warning. You're 00:00:22.829 --> 00:00:26.870 headed straight for the douchebag gangbang. That's 00:00:26.870 --> 00:00:30.309 right. Run while you are able. Don't look back. 00:00:30.870 --> 00:00:34.359 Topa, Mark, and Rob... are headed for your ear 00:00:34.359 --> 00:00:52.259 holes in three, two, one. Here at Two Douchebags 00:00:52.259 --> 00:00:55.240 and a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:58.179 integrity. Go ahead and assume we got the story 00:00:58.179 --> 00:01:02.170 wrong. At least we admit it. Not like all those 00:01:02.170 --> 00:01:05.090 other guys. We can and will lie if it makes the 00:01:05.090 --> 00:01:09.390 story better. Two douchebags and a microphone. 00:01:14.109 --> 00:01:22.150 Here at the gangbang, we realize no one wants 00:01:22.150 --> 00:01:26.530 to do a douchebag pledge. We simply will not 00:01:26.530 --> 00:01:30.510 waste your time with bullshit. By the way. Remember 00:01:30.510 --> 00:01:32.890 to enter dinner with the douchebags contest. 00:01:33.950 --> 00:01:37.950 Good luck. Here we go. Signs that you might be 00:01:37.950 --> 00:01:51.469 a pussy. Signs that you might be a pussy. If 00:01:51.469 --> 00:01:54.629 you've ever had Phil Collins or Oingo Boingo 00:01:54.629 --> 00:01:58.849 posters on your wall, If you've ever raised your 00:01:58.849 --> 00:02:01.450 coffee mug or tea glass with your pinky extended. 00:02:02.730 --> 00:02:06.269 If you often lotion up your hands with no apparent 00:02:06.269 --> 00:02:09.729 reason. If you like poached eggs. If you sing 00:02:09.729 --> 00:02:12.289 along to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Or if you have 00:02:12.289 --> 00:02:15.110 ever wore a pair of Crocs, even just trying them 00:02:15.110 --> 00:02:18.870 out. You are a pussy. It's time for the police 00:02:18.870 --> 00:02:23.090 blotter. That's right stories about stupid criminals 00:02:23.090 --> 00:02:27.419 and the dumbassness that ensued. Let us begin 00:02:27.419 --> 00:02:31.740 now. A 25 -year -old Phillipsburg, Montana man 00:02:31.740 --> 00:02:34.500 drove to the Granite County Courthouse to pay 00:02:34.500 --> 00:02:38.199 a fine for having an open container. Sheriff 00:02:38.199 --> 00:02:40.919 Rico Barkel observed that the man appeared to 00:02:40.919 --> 00:02:44.180 be intoxicated. He asked if the man drove himself 00:02:44.180 --> 00:02:48.599 to the courthouse. He replied, yes. He then admitted 00:02:48.599 --> 00:02:51.439 to having to had two drinks and smoked two bowls 00:02:51.439 --> 00:02:54.939 of marijuana. The man was tested at three times 00:02:54.939 --> 00:02:57.800 above the legal limit. and had an open container 00:02:57.800 --> 00:03:00.939 in his car again. He was charged with aggravated 00:03:00.939 --> 00:03:05.599 DUI and open container. He went to jail immediately. 00:03:06.060 --> 00:03:10.599 No word if he actually paid the first fine. Hello, 00:03:10.680 --> 00:03:14.860 this is Phineas J. Altaris III. I'm here to deliver 00:03:14.860 --> 00:03:21.719 your music news this evening. Another Aussie 00:03:21.719 --> 00:03:24.280 story alert. ELP, Deep Purple, and Sabbath were 00:03:24.280 --> 00:03:27.879 all playing at the 1974 California Jam. The bands 00:03:27.879 --> 00:03:29.840 had to be flown in by helicopter to the gig. 00:03:30.180 --> 00:03:32.199 Aussie said after the bands had been flown in, 00:03:32.280 --> 00:03:34.180 they were all standing behind the trailer. They 00:03:34.180 --> 00:03:36.120 look up, and there's a pinball machine hanging 00:03:36.120 --> 00:03:38.900 below a helicopter flying through the air. Turns 00:03:38.900 --> 00:03:41.360 out the members of ELP owned a pinball machine 00:03:41.360 --> 00:03:44.860 and demanded it to be flown to the Jam. Then 00:03:44.860 --> 00:03:46.759 other bands wanted their own pinball machine, 00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:49.520 and by the end of the gig, Everybody had their 00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:51.719 own pinball machine to play before and after 00:03:51.719 --> 00:03:57.460 the show. This is Phineas J. Baltar S. III. That 00:03:57.460 --> 00:04:00.560 has been your music news for this evening. I 00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:03.620 have one burning question for you all. Do people 00:04:03.620 --> 00:04:08.219 really skip around the Maypole? Hey everybody, 00:04:08.479 --> 00:04:11.319 this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some 00:04:11.319 --> 00:04:16.720 tips for life. This is Uncle Rob's rules to dick 00:04:16.720 --> 00:04:21.769 pics. Rule number one, type of a kick in someone 00:04:21.769 --> 00:04:25.589 else's name. So if you get busted, it's not yours. 00:04:26.649 --> 00:04:31.269 Rule number two, shoot angles complementary to 00:04:31.269 --> 00:04:37.689 your length and girth. Rule number four, no propping 00:04:37.689 --> 00:04:44.910 of the leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very 00:04:44.910 --> 00:04:48.970 important. Tomorrow morning, while grinding your 00:04:48.970 --> 00:04:51.670 coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember 00:04:51.670 --> 00:04:54.290 to not get your genitals caught in the grinder. 00:04:54.589 --> 00:04:57.970 It really hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery? 00:04:58.769 --> 00:05:03.629 Stay safe, everyone. Two bush bags of microphone 00:05:03.629 --> 00:05:07.069 in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer 00:05:07.069 --> 00:05:13.230 you first world problems. My driver's license 00:05:13.230 --> 00:05:17.089 picture makes me look older. I'm calling a lawyer. 00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:30.279 Hello all and welcome to the brand new Douchebag 00:05:30.279 --> 00:05:33.439 Gangbang. That's right, all three of us fucks, 00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:36.759 for your ear holes only. And I am the marked 00:05:36.759 --> 00:05:40.319 portion of this at the Talk is Cheap studio on 00:05:40.319 --> 00:05:45.199 the severe southern tip of the Kansas City Metroplex 00:05:45.199 --> 00:06:25.610 and surrounding areas. I know I do. Okay. Okay. 00:06:26.829 --> 00:06:43.550 Okay. heater is on, and the weather change is 00:06:43.550 --> 00:06:45.829 trying to give me a migraine. Yeah, welcome to 00:06:45.829 --> 00:06:48.850 springtime in Kansas City. Ugh, sorry about that, 00:06:48.910 --> 00:06:53.949 Topher. That sucks a lot of ass. Ugh. Well, hopefully 00:06:53.949 --> 00:06:56.730 you can find it. I didn't hook up my space here. 00:06:56.889 --> 00:06:58.750 I'm about to run down and grab it, honestly. 00:06:59.269 --> 00:07:03.589 Yeah. Yeah, I'm plenty warm in here, but I could 00:07:03.589 --> 00:07:05.810 see it getting cold a little bit later tonight. 00:07:05.930 --> 00:07:11.519 Jeez, that wind. Fuck. Okay, I'm going to go 00:07:11.519 --> 00:07:15.220 into this here. As we all know, America is fighting 00:07:15.220 --> 00:07:18.500 Iran as we speak. I have a question for Iran 00:07:18.500 --> 00:07:21.660 and you guys, okay? Who was dumb enough to become 00:07:21.660 --> 00:07:27.800 their next supreme leader? Oh, man, yeah. That's 00:07:27.800 --> 00:07:30.839 a short lifespan there. Yeah, who would jump 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:36.920 out and go, hey, hey, I want to do it? Wow. I 00:07:36.920 --> 00:07:41.959 don't know anybody. Well, they keep finding them. 00:07:41.980 --> 00:07:44.740 I guarantee you there's somebody out there. They 00:07:44.740 --> 00:07:47.019 keep finding them. They keep finding them, and 00:07:47.019 --> 00:07:52.319 then we blast them away. Yeah. I mean, is it 00:07:52.319 --> 00:07:54.160 like the old Salem? It must feel really good 00:07:54.160 --> 00:07:56.100 to have power for like three and a half seconds. 00:07:56.379 --> 00:08:01.980 It must be really, really good. I wonder if it's 00:08:01.980 --> 00:08:04.720 like the old witch hunts that they used to do, 00:08:04.779 --> 00:08:07.980 like your neighbor pissed you off, right? And 00:08:07.980 --> 00:08:10.439 so you're like, oh, that bitch. Oh, oh, I know 00:08:10.439 --> 00:08:12.980 what I'll do. I'll call her a witch. That way, 00:08:13.139 --> 00:08:15.720 when they take her to trial and they put fucking 00:08:15.720 --> 00:08:19.040 stones on her, if she sinks, she's not a witch. 00:08:19.759 --> 00:08:23.779 You see? It's like someone goes, oh, man, fucking 00:08:23.779 --> 00:08:26.720 Ahmad over there or whatever. I'm not trying 00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:28.899 to make fun of their names. I don't really know 00:08:28.899 --> 00:08:32.159 that many names, okay? Ahmad over there, he pissed 00:08:32.159 --> 00:08:35.899 me off, man. He said something. Oh, I know. I'm 00:08:35.899 --> 00:08:37.600 going to elect him as the next supreme leader. 00:08:39.950 --> 00:08:45.830 Is that how that happens? It's like Dumb and 00:08:45.830 --> 00:08:50.049 Dumber where they hit that, oh, I forgot the 00:08:50.049 --> 00:08:54.350 guy's name, with the cork, and then he comes 00:08:54.350 --> 00:08:57.590 over there, and you got Jeff Daniels pointing 00:08:57.590 --> 00:08:59.610 to Jim Carrey going, it was him, it was him, 00:08:59.750 --> 00:09:04.210 it was him. That's how it goes right there. That's 00:09:04.210 --> 00:09:06.490 him. Got your supreme leader right there, Akhman, 00:09:06.629 --> 00:09:13.700 him. It's like, what? Fuck. So, anyhow, I will 00:09:13.700 --> 00:09:17.259 never, ever paddle Mother Nature again. We had 00:09:17.259 --> 00:09:19.480 four or five. How many was it, Toe, for four 00:09:19.480 --> 00:09:24.519 or five last Friday? Tornadoes. Five, I think 00:09:24.519 --> 00:09:28.240 it was. Five, yeah. Wow. And I just said something 00:09:28.240 --> 00:09:30.200 about, I just gave the wind an ass paddling. 00:09:30.299 --> 00:09:33.039 I didn't officially give Mother Nature one. I 00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:35.399 mean, evidently, she is really fucking pissed 00:09:35.399 --> 00:09:41.320 at me, and I need to shut my mouth, right? Yes, 00:09:41.320 --> 00:09:44.259 and today, you know, we're getting like 60 mile 00:09:44.259 --> 00:09:48.259 an hour winds combined with snow and frigid temperatures 00:09:48.259 --> 00:09:52.399 when it was like 72 or 73 yesterday. So I think 00:09:52.399 --> 00:09:54.659 I'm going to start just leaving Mother Nature 00:09:54.659 --> 00:09:56.879 alone completely. You guys think that's probably 00:09:56.879 --> 00:10:01.200 the right idea? Yeah, let's show her our soft 00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:04.179 white underbelly and crawl away. Yes, I'm great. 00:10:04.179 --> 00:10:12.159 I totally agree. Well, if I get... I know, I 00:10:12.159 --> 00:10:15.740 know. I'll screw us again. I'll screw us again. 00:10:15.759 --> 00:10:22.120 You watch. Yep, yep, yep. So, I just need to 00:10:22.120 --> 00:10:24.840 know one thing. Is seasonal allergies part of 00:10:24.840 --> 00:10:26.480 Mother Nature? Because I want to give them a 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:30.700 paddling. I don't think so. I think that's your 00:10:30.700 --> 00:10:33.899 own immune system. Okay, okay. All right, then 00:10:33.899 --> 00:10:40.379 I'm going to do that. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I'm going 00:10:40.379 --> 00:10:42.460 to ask Paddle myself. My seasonal allergies... 00:10:42.460 --> 00:10:45.539 I would not do that. You're going to be mad for 00:10:45.539 --> 00:10:48.120 paddling. You know what? Maybe I need to listen 00:10:48.120 --> 00:10:53.700 to you guys once. Huh? Yeah, you know what? You 00:10:53.700 --> 00:10:55.419 know what? Now, it's going to get my... If you 00:10:55.419 --> 00:10:57.600 paddle yourself, your kidneys will shut down, 00:10:57.720 --> 00:11:00.980 dude. Come on. Okay, you're right. And I was 00:11:00.980 --> 00:11:03.980 going to ask Paddle myself... You know what? 00:11:04.059 --> 00:11:07.580 If you paddle yourself, is that like paddling 00:11:07.580 --> 00:11:13.700 off? Yeah. Hey, what's Mark doing? Paddling. 00:11:14.220 --> 00:11:17.759 Oh, okay. I'm going to go this way. I'm going 00:11:17.759 --> 00:11:20.379 to go completely away from there. Is that that 00:11:20.379 --> 00:11:23.759 sound? Don't ask. Don't ask. Just keep going. 00:11:23.879 --> 00:11:27.659 Look the other way. So I was going to ask Paddle 00:11:27.659 --> 00:11:30.840 my pigmentation because I was out grilling for 00:11:30.840 --> 00:11:33.120 about three hours the other day and I got a little 00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:36.139 red underneath my eyes. It pissed me off. I was 00:11:36.139 --> 00:11:39.590 like, this is bullshit. But I don't think I'm 00:11:39.590 --> 00:11:41.289 going to do that either because then I'd be ass 00:11:41.289 --> 00:11:43.470 -paddling myself. And like Rob said, my kidneys 00:11:43.470 --> 00:11:46.250 would go, all right, motherfucker, watch this. 00:11:47.730 --> 00:11:51.409 How about some nice, fun dialysis for a while? 00:11:53.409 --> 00:12:04.549 Oh, God. What's wrong, Mark? I got to poop. What? 00:12:05.210 --> 00:12:08.110 I got to poop. I can't hear you. I got a fucking 00:12:08.110 --> 00:12:17.429 shit! Okay, okay. So since tornadoes have been 00:12:17.429 --> 00:12:20.009 in the news a lot lately, unfortunately, Val 00:12:20.009 --> 00:12:25.029 pointed out to me there is a Ruskin Heights Survivors 00:12:25.029 --> 00:12:27.990 page on Facebook. This is a famous monster, EF 00:12:27.990 --> 00:12:31.070 -5, that killed many people and leveled most 00:12:31.070 --> 00:12:33.610 of the Ruskin Heights district in Kansas City 00:12:33.610 --> 00:12:42.059 back in 1954, right? Yeah, I am in that Facebook 00:12:42.059 --> 00:12:47.240 group. My dad lived through that tornado. Yeah, 00:12:48.039 --> 00:13:07.539 he lived right over on Cambridge. and seeing 00:13:07.539 --> 00:13:11.179 pictures in the library copies of the old newspapers. 00:13:11.720 --> 00:13:15.620 Oh, yeah, yeah. It's interesting. And also, coincidentally, 00:13:15.720 --> 00:13:18.720 it leveled Martin City, too, which is where I'm 00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:23.580 very close to, like right next door, too. So 00:13:23.580 --> 00:13:26.340 I was looking through some of the old archives, 00:13:26.519 --> 00:13:29.340 and I thought this was interesting. Okay, the 00:13:29.340 --> 00:13:31.700 Ruskin High School was leveled, right, by this 00:13:31.700 --> 00:13:35.700 tornado. Yeah. One wall was left standing where 00:13:35.700 --> 00:13:39.649 it said, Ruskin High School, but with all the 00:13:39.649 --> 00:13:42.470 letters that were tore off, the only letters 00:13:42.470 --> 00:13:49.610 left spelt ruin. Isn't that interesting? Yeah. 00:13:49.750 --> 00:13:53.990 That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just thought 00:13:53.990 --> 00:13:55.789 that bared mention since we're talking about 00:13:55.789 --> 00:13:58.690 tornadoes and Mother Nature being extremely mad 00:13:58.690 --> 00:14:02.110 at me and all that, and I'm a dumbass for mentioning 00:14:02.110 --> 00:14:06.840 anything about Mother Nature ever again. Okay, 00:14:06.879 --> 00:14:09.120 so while I'm at that, let's turn this over to 00:14:09.120 --> 00:14:12.139 Rob, and then we'll go to Topher. All right. 00:14:13.059 --> 00:14:16.559 All right. You guys ready for another Florida 00:14:16.559 --> 00:14:22.200 man story? Oh, fuck yeah. Dude, they are dumber 00:14:22.200 --> 00:14:24.139 and dumber down there, I'm telling you. Is that 00:14:24.139 --> 00:14:30.620 possible? Yeah. Okay. That's all I need to know. 00:14:50.350 --> 00:14:54.070 I gotta give the guy... Go ahead, I'm sorry. 00:15:47.240 --> 00:18:11.990 Yeah. Did they give him some Depends? Yeah, that's 00:18:11.990 --> 00:18:16.269 crazy. Oh, my gosh. It gets worse and worse in 00:18:16.269 --> 00:18:21.210 Florida. What did you say, Topher? I'm thinking, 00:18:21.289 --> 00:18:23.829 what did he have to do to stretch himself out 00:18:23.829 --> 00:18:26.049 so that he could fit a thermos up there? I mean, 00:18:26.049 --> 00:18:28.730 he couldn't have just gone from never doing butt 00:18:28.730 --> 00:18:41.150 stuff to stuffing a thermos up there. Okay. He 00:18:41.150 --> 00:18:42.950 was already wallowed out. That would be my explanation. 00:18:43.569 --> 00:18:46.230 His Bombay doors were destroyed, in other words. 00:18:48.630 --> 00:18:56.569 Oh, yeah. So he was like a two -fister, probably, 00:18:56.630 --> 00:19:04.950 I guess, right? Takes a foot halfway up the cast. 00:19:07.639 --> 00:19:09.839 It's the ones that you keep going and going. 00:19:09.940 --> 00:19:12.900 How far does this go? Oh, you're not there yet. 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:17.700 I'll let you know. You see your foot come out 00:19:17.700 --> 00:19:26.019 of his mouth. There you are. It's done. There's 00:19:26.019 --> 00:19:31.940 corn on it. With corn? Oh, my God. When did I 00:19:31.940 --> 00:19:42.740 have corn? This is bullshit. Florida man never. 00:20:12.559 --> 00:20:15.859 By no later than the end of 2027, federal law 00:20:15.859 --> 00:20:18.460 requires new passenger vehicles in the U .S. 00:20:18.460 --> 00:20:21.420 to include advanced impaired driving prevention 00:20:21.420 --> 00:20:24.680 technology. That's their cool term for it. That 00:20:24.680 --> 00:20:28.359 monitors driver sobriety and alertness. Mandatory 00:20:28.359 --> 00:20:31.339 under the 2021 Infrastructure Investment and 00:20:31.339 --> 00:20:34.700 Jobs Act, systems will use cameras to track eye 00:20:34.700 --> 00:20:37.599 movement and sensors to analyze driving performance, 00:20:37.740 --> 00:20:40.400 potentially limiting vehicle speed or preventing 00:20:40.400 --> 00:20:47.319 startup. The implementation deadline is late 00:20:47.319 --> 00:20:52.299 2026 to 2027. The National Highway Traffic Safety 00:20:52.299 --> 00:20:55.180 Administration is finalizing the rules for mandatory 00:20:55.180 --> 00:20:58.579 integration into new cars and trucks. So you 00:20:58.579 --> 00:21:02.359 can expect that the very latest, the 2028 models 00:21:02.359 --> 00:21:06.339 will have it. The technology used. Systems may 00:21:06.339 --> 00:21:08.759 include infrared cameras on the steering columns 00:21:08.759 --> 00:21:11.680 and the A -fillers. That's the ones that I... 00:21:11.960 --> 00:21:14.460 What, like the front of the driver's side window? 00:21:14.920 --> 00:21:18.740 Mm -hmm. They will track pupil dilation, blink 00:21:18.740 --> 00:21:21.359 rate, and head movement alongside with sensors 00:21:21.359 --> 00:21:25.000 to detect alcohol levels. It's going to be sniffing 00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:30.259 the air. Ah, okay. Now, operational -wise, unlike 00:21:30.259 --> 00:21:32.799 ignition interlocks, these systems are passive 00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:36.059 and automatic. It aims to identify signs of fatigue 00:21:36.059 --> 00:21:39.559 or high blood alcohol concentration, and it relays 00:21:39.559 --> 00:21:42.319 that information to law enforcement. For now, 00:21:42.359 --> 00:21:44.599 the decision to intervene would still be made 00:21:44.599 --> 00:21:47.420 by a human with the ability to remotely control 00:21:47.420 --> 00:21:51.440 the vehicle. On the legal concerns, critics have 00:21:51.440 --> 00:21:53.519 described this as a kill switch that gives the 00:21:53.519 --> 00:21:55.839 government unprecedented control over private 00:21:55.839 --> 00:21:58.940 vehicle use with potential issues regarding in 00:21:58.940 --> 00:22:01.839 -car surveillance and potential false positives. 00:22:02.740 --> 00:22:42.250 In recent actions... Wow. Wow. Yeah. Nobody's 00:22:42.250 --> 00:22:46.690 going to buy a new car because of that. That's 00:22:46.690 --> 00:22:56.349 a wish. Well, like you said, it could be accidental. 00:22:57.029 --> 00:23:00.769 It may have thought it would seem this. I've 00:23:00.769 --> 00:23:05.890 got a thought for you guys, though. Never underestimate... 00:23:05.890 --> 00:23:08.849 I think what we... Oh, go ahead. Go ahead, Mark. 00:23:09.200 --> 00:23:12.640 Okay, never underestimate how stupid the masses 00:23:12.640 --> 00:23:18.579 are. Yeah. I think the one easy way to sell this 00:23:18.579 --> 00:23:23.319 is they're going to offer steep insurance discounts 00:23:23.319 --> 00:23:25.799 if you have a car that's equipped with this. 00:23:25.900 --> 00:23:28.519 And then they're going to start sneaking up the 00:23:28.519 --> 00:23:31.500 rates for everybody else. And they'll just wait 00:23:31.500 --> 00:23:33.380 you out. Eventually your car is going to die 00:23:33.380 --> 00:23:35.359 and you're going to need another one. Yep. So 00:23:35.359 --> 00:23:37.559 they can wait you out. They'll get enough to 00:23:37.559 --> 00:23:41.170 ask. swap over so they can save money on insurance. 00:23:42.069 --> 00:23:45.910 And once again, that's more problems to go wrong 00:23:45.910 --> 00:23:49.349 with your car. Yep. It costs you more money. 00:23:50.309 --> 00:23:52.230 Yeah. It'll probably be one of those things. 00:23:52.230 --> 00:23:56.630 If they think you tampered with it, they'll hit 00:23:56.630 --> 00:24:01.329 you with like a $10 ,000 fine. Yeah. It's just 00:24:01.329 --> 00:24:03.390 like a catalytic converter if you screw with 00:24:03.390 --> 00:24:16.160 that. Yep. I understand. Cracking down. It is. 00:24:16.180 --> 00:24:21.079 In my opinion. I agree. I agree completely. Thank 00:24:21.079 --> 00:24:23.799 you, Topher. Do you want to go into some bigger 00:24:23.799 --> 00:24:28.599 threats? Yes. Sure. All right. I'll start mine, 00:24:28.680 --> 00:24:32.220 and then we'll do roundhouse. Sound good? Yay. 00:24:32.720 --> 00:24:36.079 All righty. Here we go. Okay. Bigger threat. 00:24:36.579 --> 00:24:41.160 Global economic collapse. World War breaking 00:24:41.160 --> 00:24:47.299 out, or New Coke coming back. New Coke. New Coke. 00:24:47.339 --> 00:24:51.559 New Coke. All right. Unanimous. Everyone has 00:24:51.559 --> 00:24:53.900 survived the other things happening already. 00:24:54.160 --> 00:24:56.099 I mean, we've been through economic collapses. 00:24:56.119 --> 00:24:59.039 We've been through world wars. We barely survived 00:24:59.039 --> 00:25:01.539 New Coke the first time. Oh, it was by the skin 00:25:01.539 --> 00:25:04.839 of our ass. Man, that was a tough time, wasn't 00:25:04.839 --> 00:25:10.400 it? It was. I mean, it's like kale. You know, 00:25:10.440 --> 00:25:12.619 if it touches you, you're like, oh, you're ruined. 00:25:12.799 --> 00:25:17.339 Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Topher, 00:25:17.380 --> 00:25:21.519 are you okay? Eric! Oh, man. I'm getting flashbacks 00:25:21.519 --> 00:25:23.940 from when the kale people had me. We promise! 00:25:25.640 --> 00:25:32.660 I'm sorry. I think I wet myself. Oh, I am so 00:25:32.660 --> 00:25:39.079 sorry, Topher. I'm sorry to bring up that wretched 00:25:39.079 --> 00:25:42.880 stuff. Yeah, well, I gotta deal with it sometime. 00:25:43.480 --> 00:25:45.599 Yeah, you know what? Yeah, you know what? We 00:25:45.599 --> 00:25:50.079 will get them back. For those who don't know, 00:25:50.140 --> 00:25:53.220 Topher was kidnapped by the Kale Alliance, and 00:25:53.220 --> 00:25:55.940 it was a horrible thing. It took him quite a 00:25:55.940 --> 00:25:58.559 while to get loose. We didn't know what happened 00:25:58.559 --> 00:26:02.180 to him. We're all praying every day, and finally 00:26:02.180 --> 00:26:04.460 he came back, and he told us some horrible stories 00:26:04.460 --> 00:26:09.039 about the kale people. Man, I had to learn their 00:26:09.039 --> 00:26:12.539 language, kale speak, and it just felt ugly in 00:26:12.539 --> 00:26:38.289 your mouth. Stay. Let them know. All right. You're 00:26:38.289 --> 00:26:43.390 getting hot. You're getting hot. Oh, no, you're 00:26:43.390 --> 00:26:45.410 cold. Oh, no, no, no. You're warming up. Oh, 00:26:45.450 --> 00:26:50.190 no, no, you're cold. All right, Rob, what do 00:26:50.190 --> 00:27:24.720 you got? I'm going to say C. I think I'm going 00:27:24.720 --> 00:27:28.319 to go with the jungle. Okay. I'm going with the 00:27:28.319 --> 00:27:31.000 jungle also. You don't know what's out there. 00:27:32.640 --> 00:27:35.660 Yeah, this is true. Well, I like the ocean, so 00:27:35.660 --> 00:27:39.940 I'm just going to stick with that. It's the wildlife. 00:27:40.599 --> 00:27:46.019 Yeah. I mean, look, none of it's ideal, so I'm 00:27:46.019 --> 00:27:50.319 just going to go with the ocean. The C. Right. 00:27:52.160 --> 00:27:54.400 All right, I'm going to start us off with a fairly 00:27:54.400 --> 00:27:56.880 gentle one. Okay. Which is the bigger threat? 00:27:57.400 --> 00:28:01.759 When the weather changes, noisy plumbing or rolling 00:28:01.759 --> 00:28:07.339 blackouts? Rolling blackouts. But noisy plumbing's 00:28:07.339 --> 00:28:11.220 a close second. Yeah, noisy plumbing. You know 00:28:11.220 --> 00:28:13.460 what? No, I change mine to noisy plumbing. That's 00:28:13.460 --> 00:28:24.900 the worst. Yeah, yeah. Or you get ready to take 00:28:24.900 --> 00:28:28.519 a shower and it goes... Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, 00:28:28.539 --> 00:28:30.380 that's the kind of thing that can wake you up 00:28:30.380 --> 00:28:33.220 after you finally get to sleep. A rolling blackout 00:28:33.220 --> 00:28:35.720 is a pretty quiet event. Yeah, you just keep 00:28:35.720 --> 00:28:38.440 sleeping. This is true. No alarm, you have nothing 00:28:38.440 --> 00:28:41.779 to worry about. Yeah. All right, that was nice 00:28:41.779 --> 00:28:45.579 and gentle. Y 'all convinced me. That was nice 00:28:45.579 --> 00:28:48.539 and gentle, Topher. Thank you. You're welcome. 00:28:49.140 --> 00:28:53.019 All right. Which one is the biggest threat? A 00:28:53.019 --> 00:28:57.220 .I. Takeover, buying moldy bread, or Vladimir 00:28:57.220 --> 00:29:04.420 Putin as your personal trainer? A .I. Takeover. 00:29:05.259 --> 00:29:10.140 I'm going to go Putin as my trainer. You're not 00:29:10.140 --> 00:29:25.380 working out hard enough, soft American. You know 00:29:25.380 --> 00:29:27.900 what? You're right. Yeah. Cute and be trying 00:29:27.900 --> 00:29:32.880 to show you his penis. He'd be going, look at 00:29:32.880 --> 00:29:35.119 this. Look at this. Look what I'm packing. Yeah. 00:29:35.480 --> 00:29:44.460 Yeah. This is Vlad. Vlad is glad. You get that 00:29:44.460 --> 00:29:46.180 little fucking meat thimble out of me, Vlad. 00:29:46.339 --> 00:29:51.819 Get out of here. Don't rub that on me again. 00:29:51.859 --> 00:29:57.799 I'll kill you. Sorry. All right, Rob, straighten 00:29:57.799 --> 00:30:03.720 this out. Sorry. It's your turn. I just said 00:30:03.720 --> 00:30:10.680 Vladimir Putin. Oh, oh. I lose track, too. We're 00:30:10.680 --> 00:30:13.559 all talking, so. Yeah, this is true. This is 00:30:13.559 --> 00:30:17.279 true. What was the first one? The first was what 00:30:17.279 --> 00:30:21.019 I went with. Oh, okay. AI takeover. Buying moldy 00:30:21.019 --> 00:30:23.380 bread. Yeah, AI takeover is what I went with. 00:30:23.579 --> 00:30:28.269 Okay. Topher, what did you go with? I'm going 00:30:28.269 --> 00:30:31.150 to have to go with Vladimir Putin as my personal 00:30:31.150 --> 00:30:35.109 trainer. The same here. I mean, I could just 00:30:35.109 --> 00:30:36.730 see him being a little bitch. You know, he's 00:30:36.730 --> 00:30:39.490 a little sawed -off run as it is. He'd be over 00:30:39.490 --> 00:30:42.990 there pushing you harder because you're American. 00:31:07.309 --> 00:31:09.430 Five story because you might live, but you'd 00:31:09.430 --> 00:31:12.730 probably be a paraplegic and all different kinds 00:31:12.730 --> 00:31:16.410 of crazy shit. And it would hurt like fuck. Yeah, 00:31:16.410 --> 00:31:19.349 that's a good point. Oh, yeah. At least from 00:31:19.349 --> 00:31:21.650 the 50 and the 100, you know you're not going 00:31:21.650 --> 00:31:23.750 to survive. So you can just, like, make your 00:31:23.750 --> 00:31:26.710 peace on the way down. Yeah, five story, you're 00:31:26.710 --> 00:31:40.009 going to wish you were dead if you lived. Either 00:31:40.009 --> 00:31:42.789 way, five stories seems like the better choice. 00:31:43.069 --> 00:31:45.750 I don't want to think about it for 100 stories 00:31:45.750 --> 00:31:48.150 down. And what if they make you climb the stairs 00:31:48.150 --> 00:31:52.670 to get there, too? Ah! Oh, damn! Like digging 00:31:52.670 --> 00:31:58.150 your own grave. Yes! Be like, what? Sharpening 00:31:58.150 --> 00:32:01.390 the axe that's going to cut your head off. Yes. 00:32:02.450 --> 00:32:04.910 I've got to walk all the way up there and then 00:32:04.910 --> 00:32:12.950 jump? Sorry, elevator's out. Yep. Rules are rules. 00:32:13.029 --> 00:32:22.170 Sorry, guy. Yeah, you can extend your life by, 00:32:22.250 --> 00:32:24.230 you know, walking really slowly up the stairs. 00:32:24.349 --> 00:32:26.049 It seems like it takes five days to get to the 00:32:26.049 --> 00:32:28.329 top. Yeah, I guess so. But you know, you're still 00:32:28.329 --> 00:32:30.490 going to die. I'd be miserable though. You know 00:32:30.490 --> 00:32:36.410 what? It sucks. That was a lot of work just to 00:32:36.410 --> 00:33:01.640 fucking jump. Gosh. Tony Romo. Tony Romo. Tony 00:33:01.640 --> 00:33:11.400 Romo. That was an easy one, wasn't it? And we're 00:33:11.400 --> 00:33:16.980 two and a half hours away. You know, Jim Nance 00:33:16.980 --> 00:33:20.900 probably wakes up at night screaming. I'm having 00:33:20.900 --> 00:33:24.140 nightmares, man. He's not here, Jimmy. He's not 00:33:24.140 --> 00:33:36.180 here. Thank you. And now here they're going to 00:33:36.180 --> 00:33:38.599 do the whole 42 option. Yeah, yeah, you're going 00:33:38.599 --> 00:33:40.779 to see this tight end over here run around to 00:33:40.779 --> 00:33:43.220 the left, and then we're going to have the blocker 00:33:43.220 --> 00:33:45.960 go to the right. And Jim's over there going, 00:33:46.079 --> 00:33:52.960 fuck. All right, next one. What is the bigger 00:33:52.960 --> 00:33:56.380 threat? The bagger price chopper smashing your 00:33:56.380 --> 00:34:01.609 bread with heavy cans? Soaring gas prices? or 00:34:01.609 --> 00:34:04.130 you wake up naked in Woody Allen's basement. 00:34:05.950 --> 00:34:11.010 Woody Allen. Woody Allen. Yeah. Yeah. That guy's 00:34:11.010 --> 00:34:14.010 weird. If you don't know, Google it. Yeah, yeah, 00:34:14.030 --> 00:34:17.969 yeah. Yeah, I believe he's on the Epstein list 00:34:17.969 --> 00:34:22.110 too, isn't he? Yes, he is. I would not, it would 00:34:22.110 --> 00:34:25.530 not surprise me if it is. Well, you know what 00:34:25.530 --> 00:34:28.489 I mean, man? He does like his stepdaughters a 00:34:28.489 --> 00:34:34.360 lot. Fucking old pervert. Anyhow. Alright, that 00:34:34.360 --> 00:34:41.500 was unanimous. Alright, Rob. Oh, what? Nope, 00:34:41.539 --> 00:34:47.519 I was never done. Oh, okay, sorry. So, me? Yes. 00:35:05.730 --> 00:35:10.690 Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, it's going to have to 00:35:10.690 --> 00:35:13.329 be Bruce the Moose. I'd rather French kiss a 00:35:13.329 --> 00:35:24.150 cobra. Oh, speaking of that list. Yeah, I think 00:35:24.150 --> 00:35:26.250 that the cobra and the alligator would be pretty 00:35:26.250 --> 00:35:33.760 quick. Yeah. Yeah, and then he's going to be 00:35:33.760 --> 00:35:36.099 bitching about everything and talking about how 00:35:36.099 --> 00:35:38.920 horrible his life is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:35:39.000 --> 00:35:43.860 Yeah, fucking. At the autopsy, the coroner will 00:35:43.860 --> 00:35:50.780 say that you died choking on righteousness. Oh, 00:35:50.980 --> 00:35:58.250 I love that. Perfect. Mr. Springsteen should 00:35:58.250 --> 00:36:00.809 follow the you first rule. Anything he says, 00:36:00.849 --> 00:36:07.690 he does first. Definitely. That's totally fair. 00:36:08.050 --> 00:36:30.980 Yeah. Yep. Bad drivers. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. 00:36:31.679 --> 00:36:34.960 Topher, how many times we... Oh, go ahead. Yeah, 00:36:34.960 --> 00:36:36.699 every time we go down to the market, somebody 00:36:36.699 --> 00:36:40.800 tries to kill us. At least three times. Yeah. 00:36:42.739 --> 00:36:47.760 Yeah. I bet. It couldn't be any worse. I bet. 00:36:57.859 --> 00:37:00.619 People would rather do anything except watch 00:37:00.619 --> 00:37:05.219 the road. Yeah. How about this? Every three years, 00:37:05.320 --> 00:37:07.719 your driver's license expires. You have to go 00:37:07.719 --> 00:37:10.099 in and take the road test all over again. If 00:37:10.099 --> 00:37:12.480 you fail, you can only have a self -driving car. 00:37:13.019 --> 00:37:17.780 Oh, I love it. Love it. That works. Yeah. That 00:37:17.780 --> 00:37:19.440 way you still get a car. You still get to go 00:37:19.440 --> 00:37:21.980 wherever you want. You let it do it for you. 00:37:23.340 --> 00:37:33.059 That's great with me. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I can 00:37:33.059 --> 00:37:35.400 see that right now. And they probably have a 00:37:35.400 --> 00:37:45.119 Tesla dealership right next door. Oh, yeah. Yeah, 00:37:45.179 --> 00:37:50.280 it does. It does. All right. What is a bigger 00:37:50.280 --> 00:37:54.019 threat? A bunion on your big toe that presses 00:37:54.019 --> 00:37:57.780 against your shoe. a large paper cut on your 00:37:57.780 --> 00:38:01.820 eyelid, or Skip Bayless moves next to your house 00:38:01.820 --> 00:38:07.260 and gardens in spandex shorts. Oh. Skip Bayless. 00:38:07.360 --> 00:38:10.820 Oh. Yeah. It's going to be Skip. Yeah, Skip. 00:38:11.260 --> 00:38:13.940 Skip. I mean, a cut on your eyelid will heal. 00:38:14.139 --> 00:38:16.780 Your big toe, you can have the bunion cut off. 00:38:16.940 --> 00:38:19.800 Skip in those shorts, you'd never forget it. 00:38:19.800 --> 00:38:23.860 You'd be scarred forever. And cowboy boots. Yes. 00:38:24.139 --> 00:38:31.210 Oh. With spurs. I'm going to have night care. 00:38:31.309 --> 00:38:36.809 I got spurs. That jingle, jangle, jingle. I'm 00:38:36.809 --> 00:38:40.469 pushing. I'm pulling up the weeds from my daisies. 00:38:41.429 --> 00:38:47.750 My name is Skip Tard, and I like little flowery 00:38:47.750 --> 00:38:50.530 shorts. All right, I'm done. You guys go ahead. 00:38:50.570 --> 00:39:04.980 Take it away. I'm sorry. Hey, hey, hey, come 00:39:04.980 --> 00:39:08.099 here. Come here, Mark. No, no, come here. Look 00:39:08.099 --> 00:39:12.840 at my spurs. What do they look like? On the left 00:39:12.840 --> 00:39:14.860 foot, it'll be helmet. On the right foot, it'll 00:39:14.860 --> 00:39:29.789 be anteater. It skippies the shaft. Sorry about 00:39:29.789 --> 00:39:34.329 that visual, guys. I'm so sorry. Oh, yeah, I'm 00:39:34.329 --> 00:39:37.829 having nightmares tonight. Thank you. And you 00:39:37.829 --> 00:39:40.269 see his, like, his fucking G -string marks underneath 00:39:40.269 --> 00:39:46.210 his little spandex shorts. And he's got male 00:39:46.210 --> 00:39:49.769 camel toe. Very small, by the way, but male camel 00:39:49.769 --> 00:40:08.900 toe. Yes. His nipples face down. Excuse me, I've 00:40:08.900 --> 00:40:10.679 got to water my daisies. I'll be right back. 00:40:14.000 --> 00:40:18.000 You can hear his loose skin on his ass cheeks 00:40:18.000 --> 00:40:24.059 flapping when he's running. Hey there, Skippy. 00:40:31.929 --> 00:40:40.710 alright Rob let's go to you save us Rob yes please 00:41:04.369 --> 00:41:08.090 I was going with daughter. Yeah, I reached out. 00:41:08.130 --> 00:41:12.150 Yeah, it's not pretty. I got to concur after 00:41:12.150 --> 00:41:15.789 you said that. You become part of that bad day. 00:41:15.989 --> 00:41:19.150 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you'll come home and the wife 00:41:19.150 --> 00:41:21.329 and daughter are going at it and your son is 00:41:21.329 --> 00:41:23.309 hiding out in his room with his headphones on. 00:41:23.550 --> 00:41:25.889 Yeah, yep. He knows that you have to deal with 00:41:25.889 --> 00:41:32.349 it and he doesn't. He's up there fucking laughing 00:41:32.349 --> 00:41:42.039 and pointing. I'm never having kids. Sucker. 00:41:42.780 --> 00:41:46.920 Sucker. Mom got you, didn't she? Yeah, yeah, 00:41:46.940 --> 00:41:48.820 yeah. It was a one night in Vegas, wasn't it? 00:41:48.860 --> 00:41:51.039 Uh -huh. Yeah, she did that thing you like a 00:41:51.039 --> 00:41:52.880 couple of times and that was it, wasn't it? Uh 00:41:52.880 --> 00:42:00.019 -huh. Yep, yep. Now you're toast. Wow. All right. 00:42:00.079 --> 00:42:04.239 Rob saved me. Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no. 00:42:04.480 --> 00:42:07.920 No, no, no. That was Topher. Okay. I'm up next. 00:42:08.780 --> 00:42:10.960 That's right. What's the bigger threat? This 00:42:10.960 --> 00:42:14.260 is when you first wake up. Which is the bigger 00:42:14.260 --> 00:42:18.159 threat? Your full bladder, not knowing what day 00:42:18.159 --> 00:42:21.800 or even what time it is, or the three strangers 00:42:21.800 --> 00:42:34.440 in bed with you? Bladder. Bladder. Yeah, yes. 00:42:35.059 --> 00:42:38.980 The other stuff you can sort out and deal with. 00:42:39.420 --> 00:42:42.880 The bladder? No. Those three strangers, we call 00:42:42.880 --> 00:42:46.340 them dogs in this house. Oh, there you go. Yeah, 00:42:46.760 --> 00:42:51.960 yeah. Yeah, whatever way the three strangers 00:42:51.960 --> 00:42:54.079 wound up in bed with you, that's probably an 00:42:54.079 --> 00:42:55.980 interesting story, but you're not going to hear 00:42:55.980 --> 00:43:05.179 it on yourself. True. Right. That was a good 00:43:05.179 --> 00:43:07.920 one. Yes, it was. Thank you, thank you. Okay, 00:43:08.000 --> 00:43:12.039 and finally, my final one. What is a bigger threat? 00:43:12.119 --> 00:43:16.760 Being forced to watch The View all day. Oh. A 00:43:16.760 --> 00:43:21.599 day at the Vatican dressed as a schoolboy. George 00:43:21.599 --> 00:43:24.400 Soros' saggy ball sack accidentally touching 00:43:24.400 --> 00:43:29.900 you. I don't know. This one was so exceptionally 00:43:29.900 --> 00:43:35.900 horrible, I don't know. Wow. Yeah. Can we choose 00:43:35.900 --> 00:43:38.980 all the above? All the above. Yeah, I got all 00:43:38.980 --> 00:43:40.800 the above. That's the only thing I can come up 00:43:40.800 --> 00:43:46.380 with. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, wow. Yeah, 00:43:46.400 --> 00:43:48.219 but I mean, you have to be at the Vatican dressed 00:43:48.219 --> 00:43:50.820 as a schoolboy, or you have to watch The View 00:43:50.820 --> 00:43:54.739 all day. Good point. You're screwed either way. 00:43:54.860 --> 00:44:02.420 Yeah, I think a bullet. Okay, go ahead. Okay. 00:44:02.599 --> 00:44:05.039 I'm using mine now. I'm using mine, too. I think 00:44:05.039 --> 00:44:10.579 we all are. Ding, ding, ding. We all are. Wait 00:44:10.579 --> 00:44:12.219 till next week. I'm going to come up with something 00:44:12.219 --> 00:44:15.179 worse. Every month, it's going to be on Mark. 00:44:16.079 --> 00:44:19.019 Yeah, absolutely. Oh, no. Next week, I'm going 00:44:19.019 --> 00:44:25.099 to fuck things up again. You watch. I kind of 00:44:25.099 --> 00:44:37.960 take it as a challenge now. Yeah, please. Okay. 00:44:38.360 --> 00:44:42.559 Here's my final one. What's the biggest threat? 00:44:43.179 --> 00:44:46.260 Hanging out with a famous actor slash actress? 00:44:47.360 --> 00:44:51.420 Hanging out with a famous musician? Or hanging 00:44:51.420 --> 00:44:53.900 out with a co -host with two douchebags and a 00:44:53.900 --> 00:44:57.360 microphone? Co -host with two douchebags and 00:44:57.360 --> 00:45:09.780 a microphone. Good way to get in trouble. Because 00:45:09.780 --> 00:45:13.019 they have to watch what they say. We know. Yeah, 00:45:13.019 --> 00:45:21.539 true. Good point. I never would have thought 00:45:21.539 --> 00:45:24.659 of that. That's excellent. That is really, really 00:45:24.659 --> 00:45:36.079 good. cardboard that sticks to your delivery 00:45:36.079 --> 00:45:39.860 pizza, swallowing the weird thing that was floating 00:45:39.860 --> 00:45:43.659 in your soup, or trying to figure out what you 00:45:43.659 --> 00:45:48.860 stepped in by the smell. That's another bad one. 00:45:49.639 --> 00:45:53.039 I think I'm going to go with the soup. I'm going 00:45:53.039 --> 00:45:55.659 to go with the soup, too. Nothing's worse than, 00:45:55.679 --> 00:45:58.320 like, fucking swallowing something unidentified 00:45:58.320 --> 00:46:06.519 in liquid. Yeah, yeah, you don't really know. 00:46:08.239 --> 00:46:10.480 You're like questioning whether it was a chewy 00:46:10.480 --> 00:46:13.599 piece of dough or, you know, of crust or whether 00:46:13.599 --> 00:46:15.960 it was cardboard. You don't really ever know. 00:46:18.420 --> 00:46:20.219 Yeah, yeah, I'm going to have to go with the 00:46:20.219 --> 00:46:22.820 soup as well because that's bound to make me 00:46:22.820 --> 00:46:26.960 throw up, like, right away. Yeah. That's just 00:46:26.960 --> 00:46:30.440 wrong. Yeah, I mean, was it a fly? Was it a pubic 00:46:30.440 --> 00:46:32.119 hair? What the fuck was it? You know, you're 00:46:32.119 --> 00:46:43.460 forever questioning it. Yes. All right. Well, 00:46:43.539 --> 00:46:45.599 should we take our first break and come back 00:46:45.599 --> 00:46:49.099 with some emails? Sounds good. All right. And 00:46:49.099 --> 00:46:50.960 Topher, by the way, you're getting indoctrinated 00:46:50.960 --> 00:46:54.760 into the emails. Someone already got you. Okay. 00:46:54.980 --> 00:46:59.000 Yep, yep, yep. Someone already got you. We will 00:46:59.000 --> 00:47:03.000 be right back. Since the dawn of time, weird 00:47:03.000 --> 00:47:06.280 shit has happened. Strange occurrences, unexplained 00:47:06.280 --> 00:47:09.539 phobias, and other odd happenings. Over the next 00:47:09.539 --> 00:47:11.699 minute, we would like to bring you odd, rare 00:47:11.699 --> 00:47:15.539 phobias and conditions. Red ear syndrome is a 00:47:15.539 --> 00:47:19.099 rare, often chronic neurological disorder characterized 00:47:19.099 --> 00:47:23.460 by intense, burning pain and intense redness 00:47:23.460 --> 00:47:28.780 in one or both external ears. Attacks last from 00:47:28.780 --> 00:47:31.989 seconds to hours. often triggered by touching, 00:47:32.289 --> 00:47:35.889 heat, or movement, and are frequently associated 00:47:35.889 --> 00:47:40.349 with migraine or cervical spine issues. While 00:47:40.349 --> 00:47:43.809 usually harmless, it is often difficult to treat, 00:47:43.909 --> 00:47:48.489 though it might respond to migraine meds. Hey 00:47:48.489 --> 00:47:51.889 there. We all have those annoying co -workers 00:47:51.889 --> 00:47:55.409 that do nothing. There's nothing we can do about 00:47:55.409 --> 00:47:57.769 it because HR departments are running scared 00:47:57.769 --> 00:48:00.750 of lawyers. So we have to work with these worthless 00:48:00.750 --> 00:48:03.989 pieces of garbage. But we have to communicate 00:48:03.989 --> 00:48:07.070 about them without them knowing about it. Here 00:48:07.070 --> 00:48:09.190 at Two Douchebags Microphone, we developed a 00:48:09.190 --> 00:48:11.050 way that you can speak about them right in front 00:48:11.050 --> 00:48:13.949 of them without them knowing about it. Stay tuned. 00:48:14.969 --> 00:48:18.869 Cordless only works 40 minutes. E .T. always 00:48:18.869 --> 00:48:23.070 wants to go home. Kit Kat always taking a break. 00:48:24.690 --> 00:48:27.469 Muffler always exhausted. Seaweed floats around 00:48:27.469 --> 00:48:32.539 all day. Sensor light only works when someone 00:48:32.539 --> 00:48:37.880 walks by. Wheelbarrow only works when pushed. 00:48:38.199 --> 00:48:40.420 Good evening, friends and neighbors. I'm going 00:48:40.420 --> 00:48:43.159 to read to you a list of hypocrites. Self -righteous 00:48:43.159 --> 00:48:45.239 assholes that want to tell you what you're doing 00:48:45.239 --> 00:48:47.940 wrong, but will not address this for themselves. 00:48:48.639 --> 00:48:52.199 One newer issue among these dollards is the stolen 00:48:52.199 --> 00:48:54.960 land gimmick. They tell us we need to give up 00:48:54.960 --> 00:48:57.539 the land back, but when they were confronted, 00:48:57.780 --> 00:49:00.300 they offered nothing. therefore hypocrites and 00:49:00.300 --> 00:49:04.679 liars. Alyssa Milano, hypocrite and a liar. Mark 00:49:04.679 --> 00:49:08.920 Ruffalo, hypocrite and a liar. Jane Fonda, longtime 00:49:08.920 --> 00:49:14.320 hypocrite, liar. Elizabeth Warren, longtime idiot, 00:49:14.460 --> 00:49:18.760 liar, hypocrite. Leonardo DiCaprio, your name 00:49:18.760 --> 00:49:20.719 might be on a list somewhere that just came out. 00:49:20.760 --> 00:49:23.239 I don't know, possibly. Maybe you need to shut 00:49:23.239 --> 00:49:27.800 your mouth. Yeah, you probably do. Billie Eilish, 00:49:27.960 --> 00:49:32.500 liar. Ben and Jerry, liars. We go on for another 00:49:32.500 --> 00:49:35.079 hour, but you get the point. I once again present 00:49:35.079 --> 00:49:38.340 to you the You First Movement. This is when you 00:49:38.340 --> 00:49:40.679 mouth off about stolen land or anything else, 00:49:40.760 --> 00:49:43.860 you go first. You live on stolen land, you give 00:49:43.860 --> 00:49:46.659 your land back, but until this happens, shut 00:49:46.659 --> 00:49:51.940 the fuck up. Out. And now we look in on the adventures 00:49:51.940 --> 00:49:56.099 of the Technical Explanation Guy. Why, excuse 00:49:56.099 --> 00:49:59.920 me, my dear sir. Could you please direct me to 00:49:59.920 --> 00:50:02.500 the nearest self -employed person in a motorized 00:50:02.500 --> 00:50:05.219 vehicle that will transport me where I ask them 00:50:05.219 --> 00:50:08.340 to in exchange for money and a tip? Do you mean 00:50:08.340 --> 00:50:12.000 an Uber ride? Well, yes. Yes, I do mean an Uber 00:50:12.000 --> 00:50:15.719 ride. Then just say an Uber ride, you dumb motherfucker. 00:50:15.820 --> 00:50:17.820 And why are you constantly following me around 00:50:17.820 --> 00:50:23.199 asking me stupid questions? Fucking idiot. Have 00:50:23.199 --> 00:50:25.340 you ever wondered what something is about? Have 00:50:25.340 --> 00:50:27.300 you ever looked at something and said, Hmm, I 00:50:27.300 --> 00:50:30.280 wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so have 00:50:30.280 --> 00:50:36.179 we. That's why we give you The Origin Of. This 00:50:36.179 --> 00:50:38.460 is the origin of eyeliner. Eyeliner originated 00:50:38.460 --> 00:50:41.019 in ancient Egypt and it's been used for thousands 00:50:41.019 --> 00:50:43.699 of years across cultures and chad young men from 00:50:43.699 --> 00:50:47.400 nomadic clans or coal eyeliner to attract wives. 00:50:48.039 --> 00:50:51.559 Indian Qatali dancers wore kajal to tell stories 00:50:51.559 --> 00:50:54.059 through their eyes. In Iran, women use eyeliner 00:50:54.059 --> 00:51:46.269 as a symbol of resistance. Welcome back to the 00:51:46.269 --> 00:51:49.010 Douchebag Gangbang. I am the Mark portion of 00:51:49.010 --> 00:51:52.389 the three -way. I am here at the Talk is Cheap 00:51:52.389 --> 00:51:55.889 studio at the extreme southern tip of the Kansas 00:51:55.889 --> 00:52:01.969 City Metroplex. That was horrible, but go ahead. 00:52:37.900 --> 00:52:42.420 warm in here, and so far, no migraine. Excellent. 00:52:42.860 --> 00:52:45.320 Good. Glad to hear that, Topher. Good. Right 00:52:45.320 --> 00:52:48.119 on. Thank you. I think you may not get one now 00:52:48.119 --> 00:52:50.380 because I think the front is well biased, so 00:52:50.380 --> 00:52:54.039 hopefully that's it. Yeah, I think if I was going 00:52:54.039 --> 00:52:56.179 to get one, I would have gotten it by now. Yeah, 00:52:56.239 --> 00:52:59.219 it's usually right before the air pressure changes 00:52:59.219 --> 00:53:03.829 usually get you. So, all right. We have some 00:53:03.829 --> 00:53:05.829 emails here. And like I said, the very last one 00:53:05.829 --> 00:53:08.130 is one that Topher gets indoctrinated on. So 00:53:08.130 --> 00:53:11.269 get used to it because they pester us. They pester 00:53:11.269 --> 00:53:15.550 the shit out of us, Topher. So I think take it 00:53:15.550 --> 00:53:19.789 as a compliment, right? Okay. Okay. All right. 00:53:20.829 --> 00:53:23.690 Hey, guys. Every time I turn on two douchebags 00:53:23.690 --> 00:53:26.010 and microphone, my dog starts humping my Bluetooth. 00:53:26.369 --> 00:53:29.929 I'm not sure what to do. Jim in Arizona. Let 00:53:29.929 --> 00:53:40.260 him finish. We are. You let him finish, Jim. 00:53:40.940 --> 00:53:45.079 Gosh. Yeah, that's the standard response is let 00:53:45.079 --> 00:53:47.860 him finish. Yeah, let him finish. Yeah, that 00:53:47.860 --> 00:53:50.860 brings bro code all the way around right there. 00:53:51.119 --> 00:53:53.599 Jim, does anyone bust into the bathroom on you 00:53:53.599 --> 00:53:57.500 when you're fucking yanking it? No. Do they make 00:53:57.500 --> 00:54:02.340 you stop fucking pulling your Johnson? No. Then 00:54:02.340 --> 00:54:05.909 don't fucking bother your dog. That's his version 00:54:05.909 --> 00:54:10.269 of pulling his fucking wiener. It's his dick. 00:54:10.269 --> 00:54:12.230 He can do whatever he wants. Leave him alone. 00:54:12.969 --> 00:54:16.309 Geez. He wants to shove a pencil in there? Do 00:54:16.309 --> 00:54:18.869 what? If we could reach, we would be doing it 00:54:18.869 --> 00:54:23.269 all the time. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, 00:54:23.369 --> 00:54:26.110 Jim. What kind of a kid? That shows facts. Yeah. 00:54:26.710 --> 00:54:29.170 I mean, just don't watch your dog either, okay? 00:54:29.230 --> 00:54:30.809 And don't look him in the eye when he's doing 00:54:30.809 --> 00:54:34.989 it. Yeah, yeah, because that could lead to some 00:54:34.989 --> 00:54:37.329 bad things. Yeah, so don't look me in the eye. 00:54:37.690 --> 00:54:44.369 You need to wank off in front of him. I always 00:54:44.369 --> 00:54:45.909 wanted to just go out in the yard and take a 00:54:45.909 --> 00:54:50.809 dump with my dog, see what they do. They turn 00:54:50.809 --> 00:54:54.670 around and go, what the fuck? Hey, hey, hey, 00:54:54.670 --> 00:54:57.010 Tucker, one of our dogs, Foster's another one. 00:54:57.050 --> 00:54:59.530 Hey, Tucker, come over here. What the fuck's 00:54:59.530 --> 00:55:02.920 he doing? Looks like he's taking a shit. Why 00:55:02.920 --> 00:55:05.599 is he doing that? He's got a bathroom. What the 00:55:05.599 --> 00:55:08.480 fuck's wrong with him? I can just see it right 00:55:08.480 --> 00:55:12.420 now. They give the RCA Victor. All right. All 00:55:12.420 --> 00:55:17.739 right. Next one. With the addition of Topher, 00:55:17.840 --> 00:55:20.579 there goes my hope of you guys just giving up. 00:55:20.980 --> 00:55:29.699 Now I have to listen to every shit. Now I have 00:55:29.699 --> 00:55:32.119 to listen to every show twice to figure out just 00:55:32.119 --> 00:55:38.340 how bad the show sucks. Wanda in Kansas. I would 00:55:38.340 --> 00:55:41.340 listen four times. Yes, thank you, Wanda. Listen 00:55:41.340 --> 00:55:45.679 four times. Make sure we suck that bad. It's 00:55:45.679 --> 00:55:47.780 kind of hard to suck that bad. You have to make 00:55:47.780 --> 00:55:56.780 sure we do. Yeah, there you go. Make a game out 00:55:56.780 --> 00:55:59.590 of it. And you can do like the degree of suck. 00:55:59.690 --> 00:56:02.670 It could be like, you know, half suck, full on 00:56:02.670 --> 00:56:06.730 suck, kind of suck. Yeah. Make a drinking game 00:56:06.730 --> 00:56:09.929 out of it. Yeah. Oh, there you go. Every time 00:56:09.929 --> 00:56:12.570 they suck, oh, no, no, no, they die of alcohol 00:56:12.570 --> 00:56:15.309 poisoning. Okay, forget it. That's true. Yeah, 00:56:15.329 --> 00:56:19.170 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time we don't suck, 00:56:19.409 --> 00:56:21.610 no, then they'd never have a drink. No, no, no, 00:56:21.630 --> 00:56:24.639 then they'd be thirsty. Hmm. Yeah. You know what? 00:56:24.679 --> 00:56:26.199 Do whatever the fuck you want. We don't care. 00:56:27.199 --> 00:56:29.219 They'll figure it out. Yeah, yeah. Wanda and 00:56:29.219 --> 00:56:32.739 Kansas will figure it out. All right, next one. 00:56:33.800 --> 00:56:36.420 Mark, you used a character a while back on your 00:56:36.420 --> 00:56:40.079 music news segment. His name was Rip Blankenship. 00:56:40.159 --> 00:56:42.539 What happened to him? I like that character and 00:56:42.539 --> 00:56:44.340 would like to hear more from him. Please and 00:56:44.340 --> 00:56:47.320 thank you. You're the best. Wesley, Lake Perry, 00:56:47.539 --> 00:56:53.039 Illinois. Okay. He wasn't on the music news. 00:56:53.119 --> 00:56:56.619 He was on something else. I think he gave... 00:56:56.619 --> 00:57:00.199 What was it? Rip Blankenship. He was like an 00:57:00.199 --> 00:57:04.300 on -the -spot reporter. Yeah, he did like... 00:57:04.300 --> 00:57:07.699 Yeah, he was doing... Yeah, he wasn't music news. 00:57:08.139 --> 00:57:12.159 No, he was like... I think he gave you like travel 00:57:12.159 --> 00:57:15.340 tips or something. Something like that, yeah. 00:57:17.440 --> 00:57:21.920 Wesley. I'll look that up. I'll find it and I'll 00:57:21.920 --> 00:57:24.340 figure out. But I'll do more of it, whatever 00:57:24.340 --> 00:57:27.599 he does. I think he gave travel tips or something. 00:57:29.280 --> 00:57:32.599 I think he did a live spot on the tarmac and 00:57:32.599 --> 00:57:35.400 a plane ran him over. I don't know. I can't remember. 00:57:38.219 --> 00:57:40.719 Anyhow, Wesley, I'll get back to you. Thank you. 00:57:41.639 --> 00:57:44.239 Yeah, all the reporters go all out. They really 00:57:44.239 --> 00:57:47.300 do. Yes, they do. I mean, especially Jeffy X. 00:57:48.039 --> 00:57:51.429 Yeah. Yeah, Jeffy X has been shot at. He's been, 00:57:51.429 --> 00:57:56.030 like, electrocuted. He had his balls ripped open 00:57:56.030 --> 00:57:58.949 with an electric can opener. I mean, it was bad. 00:57:59.929 --> 00:58:05.030 But he's still around. All right, next one. I 00:58:05.030 --> 00:58:06.889 was listening to your podcast Tuesday night. 00:58:07.030 --> 00:58:09.909 The Dallas area where I live had some horrible 00:58:09.909 --> 00:58:12.429 storms going on. Did you know the streaming service 00:58:12.429 --> 00:58:14.929 on my phone that I use was able to broadcast 00:58:14.929 --> 00:58:18.289 a severe weather warning over your show? I was 00:58:18.289 --> 00:58:20.750 pissed. This happened several times during the 00:58:20.750 --> 00:58:23.309 show. I tried to record it, but it wouldn't pick 00:58:23.309 --> 00:58:26.090 up. Thought y 'all might find that odd like me. 00:58:26.150 --> 00:58:28.449 Love the new show, Rossington in Texas. Thank 00:58:28.449 --> 00:58:32.190 you, Ross. Thank you, Rossington. Yeah, because 00:58:32.190 --> 00:58:37.250 it's your phone, they can put it on there. It's 00:58:37.250 --> 00:58:39.730 real easy for them to do. It's kind of like the 00:58:39.730 --> 00:58:43.869 Amber Alert, right? Yeah, yeah. Actually, I do 00:58:43.869 --> 00:58:46.929 have Amber Alerts come over and work and stuff. 00:58:48.159 --> 00:58:50.980 Yeah, they do it the same way. They just override 00:58:50.980 --> 00:58:54.880 it. And as far as severe weather, I mean, it's 00:58:54.880 --> 00:58:57.579 that time of year, especially for you guys down 00:58:57.579 --> 00:59:01.980 there. And, I mean, you just got to put up with 00:59:01.980 --> 00:59:04.099 it. I mean, we get them up here, too, and we 00:59:04.099 --> 00:59:08.739 get a lot of them. And, I mean, just rewind it 00:59:08.739 --> 00:59:10.500 or something, I guess. I wish I had a better 00:59:10.500 --> 00:59:13.219 answer for you, Rossington. I don't. Anybody 00:59:13.219 --> 00:59:22.880 else got anything? Have you guys noticed the 00:59:22.880 --> 00:59:26.260 flaw in Amber Alerts? Because when my phone goes 00:59:26.260 --> 00:59:29.599 off with an Amber Alert, it makes that god -awful 00:59:29.599 --> 00:59:32.400 noise, and the only way to make it stop is to 00:59:32.400 --> 00:59:35.019 touch the message, which makes it go away before 00:59:35.019 --> 00:59:37.519 I've had a chance to read it. Oh my god, you're 00:59:37.519 --> 00:59:41.780 right. You're right. Yeah, yeah. I have to sit 00:59:41.780 --> 00:59:44.219 there and listen to that noise in order to read 00:59:44.219 --> 00:59:46.960 what the Amber Alert's all about. And nobody 00:59:46.960 --> 00:59:56.619 does that. Me too. They need to figure that part 00:59:56.619 --> 00:59:59.239 out. They do, and that's a great point. I didn't 00:59:59.239 --> 01:00:01.320 even think about that. I'm just so used to hitting 01:00:01.320 --> 01:00:08.860 it going, shut up. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Okay, next 01:00:08.860 --> 01:00:12.480 one. I love the newer show with Christopher added. 01:00:12.840 --> 01:00:14.880 Just thought I would give you a solid thumbs 01:00:14.880 --> 01:00:18.500 up. Christopher's volume was an issue. I couldn't 01:00:18.500 --> 01:00:20.860 hear him in my Bluetooth at work, but on the 01:00:20.860 --> 01:00:23.199 last show he came in a little bit better. I could 01:00:23.199 --> 01:00:26.079 hear him. Take care, my friends. Ronnie and Tulsa, 01:00:26.099 --> 01:01:06.699 the Tulsa King. Yay. Thank you, Ronnie. Okay. 01:01:06.699 --> 01:01:09.780 Yeah, I think I'm going to invent a Bluetooth 01:01:09.780 --> 01:01:12.559 headset that's got a built -in mic, and that 01:01:12.559 --> 01:01:15.320 way it'll just take care of everything. Yeah, 01:01:15.360 --> 01:01:20.659 that's what I used. Okay, Ronnie in Tulsa, thank 01:01:20.659 --> 01:01:24.599 you. That means a lot. You know Ronnie in Tulsa's 01:01:24.599 --> 01:01:28.980 royalty, Topher. Yes, he is. So if we got his 01:01:28.980 --> 01:01:30.780 blessing on this, I know we're doing something 01:01:30.780 --> 01:01:36.150 right. So thank you, Ronnie. Keep up the good 01:01:36.150 --> 01:01:38.250 work. We really appreciate you. You've been here 01:01:38.250 --> 01:01:43.210 since day one. We love you guys. All right, next 01:01:43.210 --> 01:01:46.190 one. Rob, I have a Leonard Skinner cover band 01:01:46.190 --> 01:01:51.309 called A Few Guys Playing Skinner Stuff. Okay. 01:01:52.630 --> 01:01:57.170 I'm completely serious. Okay. We played Harold's 01:01:57.170 --> 01:02:01.630 Tavern before and A Few Bonfires. Rob. We really 01:02:01.630 --> 01:02:04.530 need you as a dancer in your loincloth. People 01:02:04.530 --> 01:02:07.429 are screaming for it. Mitch, the guy that looks 01:02:07.429 --> 01:02:10.409 like Ronnie Van Zandt but plays bass but can't 01:02:10.409 --> 01:02:16.429 sing. All right. Well, some people argue. At 01:02:16.429 --> 01:02:18.929 least he's honest. Some people argue whether 01:02:18.929 --> 01:02:22.690 Ronnie Van Zandt could sing. I don't know. That's 01:02:22.690 --> 01:02:31.639 true. Well, Corinthians just went back. going 01:02:31.639 --> 01:02:33.940 to be working Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday 01:02:33.940 --> 01:02:37.559 from 7 p .m. to 7 a .m., but she does have to 01:02:37.559 --> 01:02:42.199 work one weekend a month, so I could probably 01:02:42.199 --> 01:02:46.820 squeeze in one weekend a month. There you go. 01:02:46.900 --> 01:02:49.360 Mitch, the guy that looks like Ronnie Van Zandt 01:02:49.360 --> 01:02:53.320 but plays bass but can't sing a lick. But I have 01:02:53.320 --> 01:02:56.980 to get Princess's permission. All right, Mitch. 01:02:57.139 --> 01:03:02.130 You may have your wish. All right. That's cool. 01:03:02.289 --> 01:03:04.869 All right. And then finally, Topher, you've been 01:03:04.869 --> 01:03:08.949 indoctrinated, so here you go. All right. Topher, 01:03:09.010 --> 01:03:11.309 I would like to hear your famous chickpea and 01:03:11.309 --> 01:03:14.530 roasted garlic hummus recipe. Thanks, man. Terry 01:03:14.530 --> 01:03:20.949 in Omaha. Oh, all right. Well, get the canned 01:03:20.949 --> 01:03:24.829 chickpea and take them out and rinse them really 01:03:24.829 --> 01:03:28.989 well to get all the goo off. Then dry them. And 01:03:28.989 --> 01:03:32.860 then coat with olive oil. salt and pepper, and 01:03:32.860 --> 01:03:35.239 roast them in the oven at a high temperature 01:03:35.239 --> 01:03:39.360 until they start to turn color, and then dump 01:03:39.360 --> 01:03:41.940 them in your food processor with some tahini 01:03:41.940 --> 01:03:46.119 paste, and process until smooth, and there you 01:03:46.119 --> 01:03:52.719 go. That was actually, but no joke, was it? That 01:03:52.719 --> 01:03:58.260 sounded like an odd recipe to me. I think that 01:03:58.260 --> 01:04:04.389 was, wasn't it? They thought they were going 01:04:04.389 --> 01:04:06.489 to get a zinger in on you and you answered with 01:04:06.489 --> 01:04:16.929 a real answer. Yeah. I just think it's funny. 01:04:17.010 --> 01:04:19.070 It only took three shows and they already got 01:04:19.070 --> 01:04:24.449 you. They're like a fucking cobra waiting in 01:04:24.449 --> 01:04:28.530 the bush getting ready to strike you. There he 01:04:28.530 --> 01:04:36.360 is right there. All right. Rob, let's go to you. 01:04:38.239 --> 01:04:44.199 All right. I know what's coming up. Yeah! There 01:04:44.199 --> 01:04:51.059 it is. Rob's bag of garbage. The greatest segment 01:04:51.059 --> 01:07:25.260 known to mankind ever. Okay. I got it up on my 01:07:25.260 --> 01:07:27.860 computer. Oh, my gosh. That is an interesting 01:07:27.860 --> 01:07:31.420 looking thing. It's cool. I would love to have 01:07:31.420 --> 01:07:34.059 one for a tat. It would be cool. Oh, yeah. It 01:07:34.059 --> 01:07:36.500 would be great. Take it to school parties and 01:07:36.500 --> 01:07:46.059 shit. Shall we do? Hell, yeah. All right. Do 01:07:46.059 --> 01:07:49.679 you have any more bag of garbage? That was in 01:07:49.679 --> 01:07:52.880 the bag tonight. Okay. All right. Topher. All 01:07:52.880 --> 01:08:00.699 right. Fake buildings are disguised structures 01:08:00.699 --> 01:08:04.179 used to hide urban infrastructure such as electrical 01:08:04.179 --> 01:08:07.599 substations, subway ventilators, emergency exits, 01:08:07.800 --> 01:08:11.400 and sewage pumping stations behind facades that 01:08:11.400 --> 01:08:13.719 blend into residential or commercial neighborhoods. 01:08:14.380 --> 01:08:17.600 These decoys often feature fake windows and sealed 01:08:17.600 --> 01:08:20.560 doors to disguise industrial equipment as ordinary 01:08:20.560 --> 01:08:22.920 townhomes or commercial buildings, protecting 01:08:22.920 --> 01:08:27.779 property values and city aesthetics. will have 01:08:27.779 --> 01:08:32.060 an odd feature such as no ceiling and no interior, 01:08:32.380 --> 01:08:35.600 nothing but just the front, like the Hollywood 01:08:35.600 --> 01:08:41.039 false front, or blacked -out windows. Examples 01:08:41.039 --> 01:08:44.199 of fake buildings at 58 Jora Lemon Street in 01:08:44.199 --> 01:08:46.239 New York City is the famous Brooklyn Heights 01:08:46.239 --> 01:08:49.939 townhouse that acts as a subway ventilator and 01:08:49.939 --> 01:08:52.619 emergency exit. It has blacked -out windows. 01:08:57.069 --> 01:09:00.050 garden in London. It's a facade with no building 01:09:00.050 --> 01:09:02.350 behind it created to maintain the appearance 01:09:02.350 --> 01:09:05.909 of a terrace while hiding a train passage. Oh, 01:09:05.949 --> 01:09:09.930 wow. And in Paris, the subway vents are townhouses 01:09:09.930 --> 01:09:12.949 without roofs or interiors that serve as ventilation 01:09:12.949 --> 01:09:15.829 chimneys for the metro, their version of the 01:09:15.829 --> 01:09:19.770 subway. And then in Los Angeles, oil rigs were 01:09:19.770 --> 01:09:22.149 historically hidden with fake buildings or even 01:09:22.149 --> 01:09:26.909 fake islands if they were offshore. Isn't that 01:09:26.909 --> 01:09:32.409 weird? Wow. Wow. I never knew that. I didn't 01:09:32.409 --> 01:09:35.970 either. I saw a video on YouTube of a guy walking 01:09:35.970 --> 01:09:38.369 around in New York and pointing out some of the 01:09:38.369 --> 01:09:41.149 fake buildings and what they were used for. Wow. 01:09:41.270 --> 01:09:44.069 It's kind of creepy in a way. That is. It's just 01:09:44.069 --> 01:09:46.630 like an ordinary thing. It's kind of like those 01:09:46.630 --> 01:09:50.850 cell phones that are disguised as trees. Yeah. 01:09:51.069 --> 01:09:54.680 Or cell towers, not phones. And the only way 01:09:54.680 --> 01:09:56.899 you can tell on some of them is if you get up 01:09:56.899 --> 01:09:58.399 there a little bit closer and you're like, wait 01:09:58.399 --> 01:10:03.359 a minute. Wow. You know, the interesting thing 01:10:03.359 --> 01:10:06.300 about this from my perspective, these structures 01:10:06.300 --> 01:10:09.640 are owned by transit authorities, utility companies, 01:10:09.920 --> 01:10:14.800 et cetera. So they are not residential. So the 01:10:14.800 --> 01:10:17.020 post office would know it's not a residential 01:10:17.020 --> 01:10:41.189 delivery. They would know it's business. That's 01:10:41.189 --> 01:10:44.409 a good point. I've had places like that on some 01:10:44.409 --> 01:10:46.829 of the routes I've delivered. It looks just like 01:10:46.829 --> 01:10:51.109 a regular house, but never has a delivery. You 01:10:51.109 --> 01:10:53.510 never see any tracks in the snow. You never see 01:10:53.510 --> 01:10:55.630 any activity there except people cutting the 01:10:55.630 --> 01:10:59.569 grass and then leaving. On at least one of them, 01:10:59.569 --> 01:11:02.329 I looked it up in my route book, and it wasn't 01:11:02.329 --> 01:11:05.829 even in there. Just didn't have an address. Just 01:11:05.829 --> 01:11:08.270 according to the post office, it did not exist. 01:11:10.189 --> 01:11:15.369 somebody and they're like yeah so who cares that's 01:11:15.369 --> 01:11:19.050 that's interesting because i think i remember 01:11:19.050 --> 01:11:22.470 reading in some of kansas city history okay you 01:11:22.470 --> 01:11:26.050 you're we we're all familiar somewhat at least 01:11:26.050 --> 01:11:28.550 with the savella crew that used to run kansas 01:11:28.550 --> 01:11:31.489 city right we're talking about you know organized 01:11:31.489 --> 01:11:34.729 crime um they had this place over there in uh 01:11:34.729 --> 01:11:38.630 columbus park allegedly allegedly yes allegedly 01:11:39.399 --> 01:11:42.479 Yeah. Thank you. They have this place over there 01:11:42.479 --> 01:11:49.020 called The Trap. Familiar? It's called The Trap. 01:11:49.479 --> 01:11:52.500 And that's where they like all went and did their 01:11:52.500 --> 01:11:56.000 business talking and all that stuff. And one 01:11:56.000 --> 01:11:59.359 of the things from what I read was the way the 01:11:59.359 --> 01:12:01.819 FBI caught on was that building did not have 01:12:01.819 --> 01:12:07.060 an address and they didn't know why. Yeah. Yeah, 01:12:07.060 --> 01:12:21.229 so. Well. Wow. Okay, that's pretty interesting 01:12:21.229 --> 01:12:23.310 with some of the history and stuff going on too. 01:12:23.630 --> 01:12:26.069 Wow, I mean, I wonder how long they've been doing 01:12:26.069 --> 01:12:29.810 it. I think they've been doing it for quite a 01:12:29.810 --> 01:12:53.729 while. Okay. And there's a couple that hit pretty 01:12:53.729 --> 01:12:57.829 close to home. 5700 Belinder Avenue in Fairway, 01:12:57.909 --> 01:13:02.210 Kansas. It's a sewer pumping station. Belinder. 01:13:02.210 --> 01:13:04.489 It looks like a nice house on a corner lot. Two 01:13:04.489 --> 01:13:08.770 -car garage, brick front, nice lawn. Yeah, that's 01:13:08.770 --> 01:13:14.270 where... Okay. Huh. That's where... 7490 Knoll 01:13:14.270 --> 01:13:17.090 Avenue in Prairie Village, Kansas. Another sewer... 01:13:33.420 --> 01:13:35.239 How in the world did they get around stoning 01:13:35.239 --> 01:13:41.020 law? Yeah. Hmm. I'm going to go back and read 01:13:41.020 --> 01:13:42.779 some history books. I think there's a lot of 01:13:42.779 --> 01:13:44.500 stuff like that that's been going on for a long 01:13:44.500 --> 01:13:48.279 time, but on other facets, too. Interesting. 01:13:48.619 --> 01:13:51.800 Yeah. Yeah. All right. The subway system in New 01:13:51.800 --> 01:13:56.239 York has been around since the late 1800s, so 01:13:56.239 --> 01:13:58.260 they probably built a lot of ventilation stacks 01:13:58.260 --> 01:14:00.670 and disguised them as homes. Yeah, something 01:14:00.670 --> 01:14:02.970 tells me there's some really interesting history 01:14:02.970 --> 01:14:07.630 in that. I think so. Okay. All right. Thank you, 01:14:07.630 --> 01:14:10.350 Topher. Let's take our second break. And what 01:14:10.350 --> 01:14:12.430 I have here I already spoke to you guys about 01:14:12.430 --> 01:14:18.529 is this is a list of classic TV shows that if 01:14:18.529 --> 01:14:20.850 Hollywood was to bring them back, what type of 01:14:20.850 --> 01:14:25.620 a twist they would put on it. Okay? Right? Okay, 01:14:25.620 --> 01:14:28.899 so it's going to be a social justice type of 01:14:28.899 --> 01:14:32.020 thing, we're pretty sure. So when we come back, 01:14:32.020 --> 01:14:34.399 we're going to go into a little bit of that, 01:14:34.500 --> 01:14:37.359 okay? All right. It's going to be something, 01:14:37.479 --> 01:14:39.260 we'll put it that way. Yeah, it's going to be 01:14:39.260 --> 01:14:43.380 something, yeah. All right, you guys wait there. 01:14:45.119 --> 01:14:47.239 You know, whatever you do, whatever you wait, 01:14:47.380 --> 01:14:50.520 it doesn't matter. We don't care. We're not seeing 01:14:50.520 --> 01:14:52.220 you, we're not watching you, and we don't hear 01:14:52.220 --> 01:14:54.579 you. So have fun with whatever you're doing. 01:14:54.939 --> 01:15:02.619 But we'll be back. All right. Christopher, you 01:15:02.619 --> 01:15:05.520 know our elaborate prank section, right? Mm -hmm. 01:15:05.720 --> 01:15:07.979 Okay, well, I've got one for you. I never told 01:15:07.979 --> 01:15:11.640 you about Babble Snatch, have I? No. Okay, even 01:15:11.640 --> 01:15:14.800 if I did, just say I didn't know. He knows nothing 01:15:14.800 --> 01:15:16.779 about Babble Snatch. Yeah, I think I remember 01:15:16.779 --> 01:15:20.319 a name like Babble Snatch. Okay. Well, Babble 01:15:20.319 --> 01:15:22.920 Snatch, this is back in the 80s, probably mid 01:15:22.920 --> 01:15:26.430 -80s. Best guess. Could have been 87 at the latest. 01:15:26.569 --> 01:15:29.890 But anyhow, yeah, I used to go to the 7 -Eleven 01:15:29.890 --> 01:15:31.930 in Belvedere, which isn't there now. It was knocked 01:15:31.930 --> 01:15:34.850 down and then replaced way later by a quick trip. 01:15:35.250 --> 01:15:38.270 But anyhow, I used to go in there all the time 01:15:38.270 --> 01:15:40.229 and, you know, go in there and buy sodas and 01:15:40.229 --> 01:15:43.789 shit and whatever, you know, rolling papers for 01:15:43.789 --> 01:15:47.170 my friends, not for me. And anyhow, you know, 01:15:47.170 --> 01:15:50.770 just shit like that. So anyhow, there's this 01:15:50.770 --> 01:15:53.350 guy in there. I don't know, you know, I think 01:15:53.350 --> 01:15:55.569 he hated long hairs or something. But, hey, I 01:15:55.569 --> 01:15:58.470 noticed he was nice to everybody but me. Like, 01:15:58.470 --> 01:16:00.750 I'd be, like, third in line. And, anyhow, you 01:16:00.750 --> 01:16:02.909 know, the first guy, hey, Mr. Jones, how you 01:16:02.909 --> 01:16:06.229 doing? Oh, man, yeah, nice weather. Hey, how's 01:16:06.229 --> 01:16:09.430 the kid? You know, next person, hi, Loretta, 01:16:09.430 --> 01:16:12.310 how you doing? Oh, man, yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's 01:16:12.310 --> 01:16:14.869 going good, man. I got the old Taurus running 01:16:14.869 --> 01:16:17.510 really good. Yeah, yeah, come by, man. The old 01:16:17.510 --> 01:16:21.529 Taurus. Yeah, you know, I'd come up there. 142. 01:16:22.090 --> 01:16:28.149 So, how you doing? 142. Okay, here you go. And 01:16:28.149 --> 01:16:30.010 I'm like, what the hell? How come this guy hates 01:16:30.010 --> 01:16:32.770 me? And every time I go in there, nice as pie 01:16:32.770 --> 01:16:35.250 to everybody but me, it's like, just like, yeah, 01:16:35.250 --> 01:16:38.829 it'd be 249. So, weather's pretty nice out there. 01:16:39.829 --> 01:16:43.380 Thanks, bye. I'm like, that motherfucker. So 01:16:43.380 --> 01:16:45.720 he did this so many times, and he just never 01:16:45.720 --> 01:16:47.340 talked to me. He wouldn't even, like, hardly 01:16:47.340 --> 01:16:49.899 look at me, you know. And I never did nothing 01:16:49.899 --> 01:16:52.159 to this fucker that I know of. You know, maybe 01:16:52.159 --> 01:16:54.399 someone said something, like this guy said, you 01:16:54.399 --> 01:16:57.640 know, that you're a dick, or maybe someone's 01:16:57.640 --> 01:16:58.960 screwing with him, like, hey, man, you think 01:16:58.960 --> 01:17:01.800 she's got a nice ass? Who knows? Whatever the 01:17:01.800 --> 01:17:03.579 fucking deal was, the guy was just a complete 01:17:03.579 --> 01:17:05.819 tool bag to me constantly. So I was like, all 01:17:05.819 --> 01:17:08.119 right, bitch. So I go home, and I think about 01:17:08.119 --> 01:17:11.170 it. I'm like, okay. So I start calling up, and 01:17:11.170 --> 01:17:14.750 I go, hey, you got any Babble Snatch gum? What? 01:17:15.250 --> 01:17:19.130 Babble Snatch. Everybody, I mean, I bought it 01:17:19.130 --> 01:17:21.850 from there a couple weeks ago. Stuff is fucking 01:17:21.850 --> 01:17:24.590 awesome, man. I'll tell you what, man, talk to 01:17:24.590 --> 01:17:26.609 your manager about it. Is this like a breath 01:17:26.609 --> 01:17:29.930 freshening gum? I don't, you know. Maybe a bubble 01:17:29.930 --> 01:17:33.689 gum? I just came up with it. And anyhow, the 01:17:33.689 --> 01:17:36.489 guy, he bid on it, you know. He was like, oh, 01:17:36.670 --> 01:17:38.430 yeah, I'll check on it for you. That's awesome. 01:17:38.909 --> 01:17:41.210 Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate it. So anyhow, 01:17:41.430 --> 01:17:43.670 so I called back a little bit later. Yeah, someone 01:17:43.670 --> 01:17:46.810 called earlier, you know. And anyhow, I'm sure 01:17:46.810 --> 01:17:48.829 we have it here somewhere. But, you know, I'll 01:17:48.829 --> 01:17:50.609 talk to my manager about it tonight, and we'll 01:17:50.609 --> 01:17:52.850 see what we can do. So anyhow. I have a couple 01:17:52.850 --> 01:17:54.770 other people call it about babble snatch gum 01:17:54.770 --> 01:17:56.649 and, you know, and they're like, yeah, yeah, 01:17:56.649 --> 01:17:58.430 yeah. You know, we're, we're working on getting 01:17:58.430 --> 01:18:01.069 it in. Okay. You know, the regional manager, 01:18:01.189 --> 01:18:03.069 we called him and he said that he was going to 01:18:03.069 --> 01:18:06.310 work on getting it in here. And, and I go, well, 01:18:06.310 --> 01:18:08.109 you know, I bought it the other day and it's 01:18:08.109 --> 01:18:10.470 just so good. And they believe me. I go, man, 01:18:10.529 --> 01:18:13.189 this gum is just so great tasting. And he's like, 01:18:13.229 --> 01:18:15.170 it's babble snatch, right? Yeah. Babble snatch. 01:18:15.250 --> 01:18:17.630 That's the name of it. Okay. All right. I would 01:18:17.630 --> 01:18:19.270 have loved to listen to another conversation 01:18:19.270 --> 01:18:21.789 when he's asking the regional manager. about 01:18:21.789 --> 01:18:26.510 babble snatch oh yeah so you know anyhow i called 01:18:26.510 --> 01:18:28.529 down there the next day and i go hey man you 01:18:28.529 --> 01:18:30.170 know you got that babble snatch gum you know 01:18:30.170 --> 01:18:32.170 the guy's like oh hang on hang on i think it's 01:18:32.170 --> 01:18:34.710 in we just had a load hang on so anyhow so the 01:18:34.710 --> 01:18:36.649 guy's like you know and this is the guy i hated 01:18:36.649 --> 01:18:39.710 the paul guy so anyhow he's like yeah hang on 01:18:39.710 --> 01:18:42.250 a second so i hear him like yeah hey i'm gonna 01:18:42.250 --> 01:18:44.409 go to the back there and it's in one of the boxes 01:18:44.409 --> 01:18:46.729 they said it was coming in today so all right 01:18:46.729 --> 01:18:49.250 no big deal so i hear him go back i hear some 01:18:49.250 --> 01:18:51.229 rustling and a couple people coming in then he 01:18:51.229 --> 01:18:54.149 stops he goes up there oh yeah it'd be 12 42 01:18:54.149 --> 01:18:56.569 okay thank you have a good day and then he helps 01:18:56.569 --> 01:18:59.029 someone else i hear him go back again i hear 01:18:59.029 --> 01:19:01.350 him wrestling through some more boxes meanwhile 01:19:01.350 --> 01:19:05.090 i'm laughing my ass off anyhow this guy he like 01:19:05.090 --> 01:19:07.569 for like 20 minutes is looking for babble snatch 01:19:07.569 --> 01:19:13.899 gum so anyhow so like finally like a half hour 01:19:13.899 --> 01:19:15.760 later he comes back he goes man he goes look 01:19:15.760 --> 01:19:17.920 i know we're gonna have it in by the end of the 01:19:17.920 --> 01:19:21.239 day i talked to my manager okay all right man 01:19:21.239 --> 01:19:22.899 all right i'll come in at night and i'll get 01:19:22.899 --> 01:19:26.390 some gum man save some for me man okay My name's 01:19:26.390 --> 01:19:29.170 Billy. I'll be in. Okay, okay, all right. I'll 01:19:29.170 --> 01:19:31.970 save you some Babel Snatch gum. No problem. So 01:19:31.970 --> 01:19:34.149 a couple hours later, I call up and I talk to 01:19:34.149 --> 01:19:35.949 the manager. The manager's like, yeah, yeah, 01:19:35.970 --> 01:19:37.930 I ordered some a couple days ago and it should 01:19:37.930 --> 01:19:39.810 be in. If it's not in right now, it's going to 01:19:39.810 --> 01:19:41.470 be in by the end of the day. I guarantee you. 01:19:41.829 --> 01:19:43.789 So I don't know how the hell they ordered it 01:19:43.789 --> 01:19:46.189 because there was no such thing as Babel Snatch 01:19:46.189 --> 01:19:49.090 gum. I made the shut up and all of a sudden, 01:19:49.130 --> 01:19:51.170 I mean, everybody wanted this fucking Babel Snatch 01:19:51.170 --> 01:19:54.590 gum. And it never did exist. Matter of fact, 01:19:54.609 --> 01:19:57.439 this prank. got so good to where i ended up this 01:19:57.439 --> 01:20:00.060 is you know in the 80s before digital cameras 01:20:00.060 --> 01:20:02.800 even let alone you know there are phone cameras 01:20:02.800 --> 01:20:05.640 and all the you know photoshop and everything 01:20:05.640 --> 01:20:08.819 no internet no we had to like cut stuff out of 01:20:08.819 --> 01:20:11.479 wrappers and stuff and make a fake babble snatch 01:20:11.479 --> 01:20:15.989 gum and take an old fashion fashion like Polaroid 01:20:15.989 --> 01:20:17.590 type of picture. Oh, yeah. I forgot what it was. 01:20:17.609 --> 01:20:19.489 It could have been one of those little box cameras 01:20:19.489 --> 01:20:21.430 back then. Probably the only thing I could afford, 01:20:21.689 --> 01:20:24.250 you know. Hey, we actually took a picture of 01:20:24.250 --> 01:20:27.409 the Babble Snatch gum. And a guy went in there. 01:20:27.430 --> 01:20:28.989 He goes, hey, man, I need this. The guy's like, 01:20:29.090 --> 01:20:30.970 I know, I know, I know, man. We're working on 01:20:30.970 --> 01:20:32.670 getting it in. It's hard to get, man. Everybody 01:20:32.670 --> 01:20:36.149 wants this Babble Snatch gum. So, anyhow, I guess 01:20:36.149 --> 01:20:38.310 the whole moral of the story is don't be a dick 01:20:38.310 --> 01:20:40.130 to me because then I'll do something like that. 01:20:40.289 --> 01:20:42.890 And even now, to this day, I'll have a couple 01:20:42.890 --> 01:20:44.510 people on my friends list every now and then 01:20:44.510 --> 01:20:46.369 like, send me a little message, and it'll go, 01:20:46.470 --> 01:20:50.210 Babble Snatch. I'm like, ah! I remember one time 01:20:50.210 --> 01:20:54.449 I was working up in fucking New York or something, 01:20:54.569 --> 01:20:56.989 and all of a sudden I get a ding, and I'm on 01:20:56.989 --> 01:20:59.210 top of this fucking skyscraper they were putting 01:20:59.210 --> 01:21:01.789 in glass, and I look down and it says, Babble 01:21:01.789 --> 01:21:07.550 Snatch. I'm like, fuck! I'm up there dying in 01:21:07.550 --> 01:21:09.430 this glass, about ready to fall and kill a hundred 01:21:09.430 --> 01:21:13.619 people. They recover your body and they look 01:21:13.619 --> 01:21:15.800 at your phone. Well, the last text you received 01:21:15.800 --> 01:21:17.939 said Babble Snatch. We better look into this. 01:21:21.039 --> 01:21:27.159 By some guy named Dirtbag. Yeah. So anyhow, that 01:21:27.159 --> 01:21:30.479 is my elaborate prank section of this. Unless 01:21:30.479 --> 01:21:33.020 we throw some more in there, but anyhow. Babble 01:21:33.020 --> 01:21:36.640 Snatch. Never forget it. This name lives on. 01:21:37.310 --> 01:21:39.970 Two douchebags and a microphone. The audio equivalent 01:21:39.970 --> 01:21:43.770 to the meat sweats. This is Joshua Belmont, your 01:21:43.770 --> 01:21:47.149 food for thought man on The Hustle. Today, we 01:21:47.149 --> 01:21:50.130 need to focus on the genius Franklin Harris for 01:21:50.130 --> 01:21:53.550 inventing the jukebox override. Some dumbass 01:21:53.550 --> 01:21:56.229 puts down a hundred on the Melvins to last all 01:21:56.229 --> 01:21:59.850 night. No worry, thanks to Mr. Harris. Just put 01:21:59.850 --> 01:22:02.430 in a buck a song to override shitty music and 01:22:02.430 --> 01:22:06.180 you can be the hero. Mr. Harris, not many stop 01:22:06.180 --> 01:22:09.300 to admire your fine work, but we do here at Two 01:22:09.300 --> 01:22:12.199 Douchebags and a Microphone. Thank you, Mr. Harris, 01:22:12.279 --> 01:22:16.979 for being a patriotic, great human being. Hey, 01:22:17.000 --> 01:22:19.079 good kid, no one gives an ounce of shit what 01:22:19.079 --> 01:22:21.539 you had for breakfast. Not even the person on 01:22:21.539 --> 01:22:23.779 the other end. You look like a mentally slow 01:22:23.779 --> 01:22:26.260 driv yelling into thin air all through the store. 01:22:26.479 --> 01:22:28.720 I pray that Bluetooth shorts you out and blows 01:22:28.720 --> 01:22:31.760 up your eardrums. One may consider self -centered 01:22:31.760 --> 01:22:34.630 dunce. Bonnie constantly coddled this dummy and 01:22:34.630 --> 01:22:37.069 it fucking shows. Go the fuck home and bore your 01:22:37.069 --> 01:22:39.630 dog. Wait, you probably forgot the theming because 01:22:39.630 --> 01:22:41.510 you're too busy looking in the mirror all day. 01:22:42.109 --> 01:22:46.649 Fuck off. I smell bacon. No, Wade, it's just 01:22:46.649 --> 01:22:50.189 Mark sweating. People often ask, how do we cram 01:22:50.189 --> 01:22:53.109 so much funny into one little show? Well, it's 01:22:53.109 --> 01:22:56.130 simple. We buy funny in bulk on the internet. 01:22:56.949 --> 01:22:59.590 Hey, Mark, you're wanted at the front door. There's 01:22:59.590 --> 01:23:01.710 a big bag of funny they need you to sign for. 01:23:02.729 --> 01:23:04.970 Okay, thanks a lot. I'll be right there. I'm 01:23:04.970 --> 01:23:06.949 still sorting out the funny we got from yesterday. 01:23:07.569 --> 01:23:10.109 There's your answer. We buy funny in bulk on 01:23:10.109 --> 01:23:14.170 the internet. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. 01:23:18.050 --> 01:23:20.449 What do you tell when you're out of invisible 01:23:20.449 --> 01:23:30.569 ink? I may never know. Our constant pursuit for 01:23:30.569 --> 01:23:33.939 a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from 01:23:33.939 --> 01:23:38.600 an alien. Real hilarity. You are dressed like 01:23:38.600 --> 01:23:42.500 an assistant debate coach at an Ohio State middle 01:23:42.500 --> 01:23:47.779 school. Next up, things overheard in hell. Hurry 01:23:47.779 --> 01:23:51.359 up. Kim Jong -un is playing Santa at the mall 01:23:51.359 --> 01:23:55.319 again this year. Yay! Sir, I see your qualifications 01:23:55.319 --> 01:23:58.159 here. May I ask some further questions that could 01:23:58.159 --> 01:23:59.899 help me determine your employment eligibility? 01:24:00.909 --> 01:24:03.989 Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here, 01:24:04.069 --> 01:24:06.170 we have a large population of different ethnic 01:24:06.170 --> 01:24:10.569 backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are you by 01:24:10.569 --> 01:24:13.810 chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure why 01:24:13.810 --> 01:24:16.069 you need that kind of information, but, well, 01:24:16.149 --> 01:24:19.550 it was only one time in summer camp. I considered 01:24:19.550 --> 01:24:26.949 it experimental. Your mom is so old, she walked 01:24:26.949 --> 01:24:30.520 out of the museum and the alarm went off. Oh 01:24:30.520 --> 01:24:34.720 shit. What's that over there? Oh no. It's the 01:24:34.720 --> 01:24:43.180 island of horrible jokes. I asked my date to 01:24:43.180 --> 01:24:47.699 meet me at the gym. She didn't show up. I guess 01:24:47.699 --> 01:25:07.619 we're not going to work out. Hey, gangbang, I 01:25:07.619 --> 01:25:10.460 am the Mark III of this from the Talk is Cheap 01:25:10.460 --> 01:25:14.340 studio at the extreme southern tip of the Kansas 01:25:14.340 --> 01:25:21.100 City Metroplex. Mm -mm. Mm -mm. And I am Rob 01:25:21.100 --> 01:25:23.760 in Wiesman, Missouri, home of the magnificent 01:25:23.760 --> 01:25:27.539 Lucas Oil Speedway and also home of the Patriot 01:25:27.539 --> 01:25:29.800 Moat Country Store, where you can find all your 01:25:29.800 --> 01:25:33.119 needs, including with the selfie with the green 01:25:33.119 --> 01:25:42.500 Sinclair diamond. in the Paisley Possum studio 01:25:42.500 --> 01:25:45.760 just south of historic Waldo, Missouri. The coffee 01:25:45.760 --> 01:25:48.680 is freshly brewed and hot, available 24 hours 01:25:48.680 --> 01:25:51.539 a day. I'm about to turn the space heater off 01:25:51.539 --> 01:25:55.020 because I'm getting very, very warm. And I think 01:25:55.020 --> 01:25:57.239 I need to hydrate because my eyes are making 01:25:57.239 --> 01:26:04.100 a scratching sound. Probably so. Well, all right. 01:26:04.180 --> 01:26:06.840 I don't have a name for this segment at all, 01:26:06.920 --> 01:26:10.760 but... It basically is, you take the classic 01:26:10.760 --> 01:26:13.420 TV shows, whatever they are, Gilligan's Island 01:26:13.420 --> 01:26:15.800 or something, and Hollywood looks at them and 01:26:15.800 --> 01:26:18.359 goes, let's bring it back, but we can't have 01:26:18.359 --> 01:26:20.739 just a bunch of ordinary white people on there. 01:26:20.939 --> 01:26:23.340 We've got to do something to it, right? We've 01:26:23.340 --> 01:26:28.520 got to make it more hip, more nowadays. We've 01:26:28.520 --> 01:26:31.500 got to teach people lessons, all right? So I 01:26:31.500 --> 01:26:35.380 am going to give you guys a choice of three of 01:26:35.380 --> 01:26:39.130 how the TV show is going to be. So I'm going 01:26:39.130 --> 01:26:42.590 to start off like this. I dream of Jeannie. Okay, 01:26:42.649 --> 01:26:45.449 the first suggestion is Jeannie wants to be free 01:26:45.449 --> 01:26:49.489 from her white master. The second one is Jeannie 01:26:49.489 --> 01:26:51.949 tries to enroll in college so she can leave her 01:26:51.949 --> 01:26:55.449 captor. Or the third one is Jeannie has an affair 01:26:55.449 --> 01:26:58.270 with Major Healy who likes to dress up like a 01:26:58.270 --> 01:27:07.569 Victorian -era model. I'm going to... I'm going 01:27:07.569 --> 01:27:10.970 to Major Healy, too. Over. Yeah, I think so, 01:27:11.170 --> 01:27:16.350 because she's having an affair, which is very 01:27:16.350 --> 01:27:21.050 popular on TV. Yeah. And then dressing is something 01:27:21.050 --> 01:27:24.850 other than what you are presumed to be. That's 01:27:24.850 --> 01:27:28.250 also very popular. Yes. Yeah, I think that would 01:27:28.250 --> 01:27:30.829 get a lot of viewers. I think so, too. So, all 01:27:30.829 --> 01:27:34.050 right. So, Major Healy is a Victorian -era model. 01:27:34.310 --> 01:27:38.779 Sounds scary. But I think it'll work. I think 01:27:38.779 --> 01:27:41.560 so. All right. How about Leave it to Beaver? 01:27:41.640 --> 01:27:47.060 That nice little show, right? All right. The 01:27:47.060 --> 01:27:49.340 first suggestion is, number one, would be Beaver 01:27:49.340 --> 01:27:54.960 gets caught jerking off to squish porn. And you 01:27:54.960 --> 01:28:00.699 all should understand he's just different. Or... 01:28:01.869 --> 01:28:04.170 Number two would be Wally knocks up his school 01:28:04.170 --> 01:28:07.050 teacher that's 30 years older, but we have to 01:28:07.050 --> 01:28:11.449 accept that love is love. I can see that one 01:28:11.449 --> 01:28:16.350 too. Yeah, definitely. Or number three, Ward 01:28:16.350 --> 01:28:18.789 is a massive alcoholic that beats June because 01:28:18.789 --> 01:28:21.510 he's an older white man and all of them are bad. 01:28:23.109 --> 01:28:26.470 Ding, ding, we have a winner. Three. Yeah. Three. 01:28:26.869 --> 01:28:34.789 Yeah. Nope, nope. There you go, Ward. Yep. You 01:28:34.789 --> 01:28:40.029 old bastard. That'll learn you. Hey, how about 01:28:40.029 --> 01:28:43.649 the Little Rascals? Remember those guys? Yeah. 01:28:44.050 --> 01:28:46.430 Alright. The number one suggestion is Spanky 01:28:46.430 --> 01:28:49.130 has HIV and is embarrassed because of the stigma. 01:28:51.310 --> 01:28:54.449 Yeah. Number two. Alfalfa accidentally killed 01:28:54.449 --> 01:28:57.170 his brother in a weird machete accident and is 01:28:57.170 --> 01:29:02.689 facing life in prison. I don't know how that 01:29:02.689 --> 01:29:08.390 machete accident went down, but it did. It was 01:29:08.390 --> 01:29:13.810 a little rascals. Oh, they're supping those little 01:29:13.810 --> 01:29:19.289 scamps. Okay. We're number three. Buckwheat likes 01:29:19.289 --> 01:29:22.189 to be pegged by other boys and is afraid of homophobic 01:29:22.189 --> 01:29:26.529 stereotypes, so he cries all day. Oh, that's 01:29:26.529 --> 01:29:31.000 Buckwheat. Buckwheat, yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah, 01:29:31.500 --> 01:29:35.300 yep. Yeah, yeah. I think that's safer than, you 01:29:35.300 --> 01:29:37.779 know, Alfalfa going to jail. I mean, everyone 01:29:37.779 --> 01:29:40.800 loves a good prison show, but I think you can 01:29:40.800 --> 01:29:44.439 get more of your message across with Buckley 01:29:44.439 --> 01:29:47.739 getting paid. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it would fit 01:29:47.739 --> 01:29:52.199 better on MTV. And I heard a rumor how... Yeah, 01:29:52.340 --> 01:29:56.659 true. I heard a rumor how Spanky got the Hiv, 01:29:56.659 --> 01:30:00.140 but I'm not going to say. I'll just leave that 01:30:00.140 --> 01:30:03.359 alone. I'll leave that for everyone else. And 01:30:03.359 --> 01:30:05.819 then finally, Mary Tyler Moore. Remember that 01:30:05.819 --> 01:30:09.300 lovable lady? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 01:30:10.279 --> 01:30:12.800 You know, works in a newsroom, all kinds of crazy 01:30:12.800 --> 01:30:15.619 shit. So, all right, we got number one suggestion 01:30:15.619 --> 01:30:18.880 would be Mary gets drunk at an office party and 01:30:18.880 --> 01:30:21.760 fucks Lou, her boss, and has an abortion, but 01:30:21.760 --> 01:30:27.800 it's a secret. Yeah, yeah, she's a shady little 01:30:27.800 --> 01:30:31.640 bitch, isn't she? Yeah, she is. Yeah, scandalous. 01:30:32.500 --> 01:30:35.640 Number two, Lou Grant and Ted Baxter enjoy anal 01:30:35.640 --> 01:30:37.600 sex but can't tell their wives without breaking 01:30:37.600 --> 01:30:46.039 up the family. Yeah. Or number three, Rhonda 01:30:46.039 --> 01:30:50.319 likes to do cocaine and hooks for it. She also 01:30:50.319 --> 01:30:52.760 went to rehab but broke out to do more coke for 01:30:52.760 --> 01:30:57.979 tricks. Yeah, that's a tough one. I'm going to 01:30:57.979 --> 01:31:01.300 say Mary gets drunk at the office party and she 01:31:01.300 --> 01:31:05.560 fucks Lou. I just want that to happen. Yeah. 01:31:06.180 --> 01:31:10.180 I figured it already did. It probably did. It 01:31:10.180 --> 01:31:16.039 probably did. You can tell she's filthy. Anyhow, 01:31:16.060 --> 01:31:18.819 that's all I got of that one. We will all look 01:31:18.819 --> 01:31:20.920 forward to more of those coming up. Just a fair 01:31:20.920 --> 01:31:29.329 warning. Oh, no, I know. We did it slightly different, 01:31:29.409 --> 01:31:32.430 but yours is great, so go ahead. Oh, all right. 01:31:33.329 --> 01:31:37.689 The first one I have is All in the Family. In 01:31:37.689 --> 01:31:40.670 this newest version, the cast includes a white 01:31:40.670 --> 01:31:44.710 Christian conservative dad, a gender -fluid mom 01:31:44.710 --> 01:31:47.210 who is having an affair with the ghost of Reverend 01:31:47.210 --> 01:31:52.250 Jimmy Jones, a daughter who lets her cell phone 01:31:52.250 --> 01:32:01.560 tell her what to do, and her husband... I think 01:32:01.560 --> 01:32:06.000 I'll watch that one. Yes. I might watch that 01:32:06.000 --> 01:32:08.979 one. I might watch that one, too. I want to see 01:32:08.979 --> 01:32:11.260 if the guy ever succeeds being a suicide bomber. 01:32:12.479 --> 01:32:15.479 Ooh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'd be fun. All right. 01:32:17.060 --> 01:32:19.619 All right, the next reboot I have is The Waltons. 01:32:20.960 --> 01:32:23.939 In the reboot, it's a large family of unrelated 01:32:23.939 --> 01:32:26.399 immigrants who share a house in the mountains. 01:32:26.680 --> 01:32:29.539 Okay. And accuse everyone in town of being racist. 01:32:30.659 --> 01:32:35.920 All right. Okay, I like that one. Very good. 01:32:36.140 --> 01:32:40.779 All right. Next on the program is Charlie's Angel, 01:32:40.939 --> 01:32:44.699 which is three drag queens quit their jobs at 01:32:44.699 --> 01:32:47.399 the phone sex call center and go to work for 01:32:47.399 --> 01:32:52.619 Charlie as paid protesters. I see that one. That's 01:32:52.619 --> 01:32:54.960 my favorite one of all of them. That's good. 01:32:59.649 --> 01:33:03.149 All right. Remember Hill Street Blues? Oh, yeah. 01:33:03.430 --> 01:33:06.350 Yeah, we're going to do a reboot of that, only 01:33:06.350 --> 01:33:08.350 it's going to be done in the style of the Police 01:33:08.350 --> 01:33:11.510 Academy movie. All the cops are corrupt idiots 01:33:11.510 --> 01:33:13.909 who accidentally shoot each other repeatedly. 01:33:17.449 --> 01:33:20.010 We've got to have a good cop -bashing show to 01:33:20.010 --> 01:33:26.689 win a certain segment, don't we? I like that 01:33:26.689 --> 01:33:34.420 one a lot. Golden Girls. This is going to be 01:33:34.420 --> 01:33:38.720 renamed the Golden Shower Girls. They have OnlyFans 01:33:38.720 --> 01:33:48.680 pages. Are they old? Are they old still? They're 01:33:48.680 --> 01:33:50.739 all living together and they all have the OnlyFans 01:33:50.739 --> 01:33:53.659 and that's how they pay their bills. Oh, alright. 01:33:53.960 --> 01:33:56.699 Yeah. Does it ever show them tinkling in a cup 01:33:56.699 --> 01:34:01.600 or something or in a can or something? Okay, 01:34:01.680 --> 01:34:05.600 and then do they piss on each other, too? Yeah, 01:34:05.619 --> 01:34:07.619 I think that causes, you have to, like, you have 01:34:07.619 --> 01:34:09.979 the higher tier subscription to get, like, two 01:34:09.979 --> 01:34:11.840 or three of them on the video at the same time 01:34:11.840 --> 01:34:14.899 peeing on each other. Oh, shit, man. I knew it. 01:34:14.939 --> 01:34:18.640 Damn it. All I can afford is the one -off. Yeah, 01:34:18.760 --> 01:34:20.760 it's always a paywall, you know. Yeah, yeah. 01:34:20.800 --> 01:34:23.880 Well, what is the free, they usually give you 01:34:23.880 --> 01:34:27.220 a free sample, right? I mean, if... A free subscription 01:34:27.220 --> 01:34:29.920 for a little bit? I mean, do I get like five 01:34:29.920 --> 01:34:33.859 days of enjoying that fun, or do you know? Yeah, 01:34:33.880 --> 01:34:36.619 I think you get about five days that you only 01:34:36.619 --> 01:34:38.460 get to watch one of them peeing on the floor. 01:34:39.479 --> 01:34:46.640 Okay, I'll take it. I'll take it. You know, allegedly, 01:34:46.800 --> 01:34:49.479 the valedictorian of my high school graduating 01:34:49.479 --> 01:35:00.479 class liked to be peed on. Hmm. And every time 01:35:00.479 --> 01:35:02.779 somebody would come in to pee, he'd be standing 01:35:02.779 --> 01:35:04.560 there in the bathtub saying, pee on me, man. 01:35:04.619 --> 01:35:08.579 Come on. Just pee on me. Oh, how'd they get that 01:35:08.579 --> 01:35:12.859 out of that? Oh, they're stretching. Allegedly. 01:35:13.039 --> 01:35:17.060 They're reaching. Allegedly. Okay. I don't know. 01:35:19.140 --> 01:35:22.079 He was probably just an undocumented urologist. 01:35:22.239 --> 01:35:25.340 That's what I think. I agree. Yeah. Those poor 01:35:25.340 --> 01:35:32.659 guys. All right. Night Rider. Remember with the 01:35:32.659 --> 01:35:36.199 talking car? Oh yeah, yeah. Kip. Okay, in this 01:35:36.199 --> 01:35:40.520 reboot, the car is a cyber truck and the whole 01:35:40.520 --> 01:35:43.420 thing is basically a love affair with Tesla and 01:35:43.420 --> 01:35:46.760 an advertisement for their vehicle. In every 01:35:46.760 --> 01:35:49.420 show, the humans are stupid and the intelligent 01:35:49.420 --> 01:35:56.909 cyber truck always saves the day. Yes. Let's 01:35:56.909 --> 01:36:01.310 see the driver's name. Let's call him Billy, 01:36:01.470 --> 01:36:05.750 okay? Billy? Yes. Did you pick up the milk you're 01:36:05.750 --> 01:36:10.210 supposed to for your wife? Oh, shit. That's what 01:36:10.210 --> 01:36:13.970 I thought. And then you hear the fake laughter 01:36:13.970 --> 01:36:22.909 and the Wilhelm laugh and all that. You got me 01:36:22.909 --> 01:36:28.619 again. Ooh, you old cyber truck, you. You got 01:36:28.619 --> 01:36:37.359 me. All right, the last one I've got is the Fresh 01:36:37.359 --> 01:36:41.380 Prince of Bel -Air. In the reboot, he's a real 01:36:41.380 --> 01:36:45.300 prince, and he moves to Bel -Air to reclaim stolen 01:36:45.300 --> 01:36:56.050 land that was stolen from his ancestors. Of course. 01:36:59.810 --> 01:37:02.890 There was no fun in that without those guys. 01:37:03.909 --> 01:37:08.229 No, no. Gotta have their point of view in it. 01:37:08.310 --> 01:37:10.970 Yes, yes. Even though they didn't give up their 01:37:10.970 --> 01:37:14.850 homes. Yes. The rumor is that the Billie Eilish 01:37:14.850 --> 01:37:19.170 character will be a whiny little crybaby. Wow. 01:37:19.670 --> 01:37:23.010 Boy, they're trying to get as accurate as possible, 01:37:23.069 --> 01:37:26.880 aren't they? I wonder if she's capable of acting 01:37:26.880 --> 01:37:36.460 like that. I wouldn't call it acting. That's 01:37:36.460 --> 01:37:39.659 like Courtney Love playing a fucking drug addict 01:37:39.659 --> 01:37:43.460 on The People vs. Larry Flint. They're all going, 01:37:43.579 --> 01:37:46.720 oh, she was so good. I'm like, what? She's playing 01:37:46.720 --> 01:37:58.159 herself, dumbass. Thank you. We can't forget, 01:37:58.340 --> 01:38:01.000 Rob wanted us to do Asshole of the Week. Oh, 01:38:01.000 --> 01:38:03.020 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. All right. Rob, 01:38:03.199 --> 01:38:08.119 do you want to do the honors? Okay, my asshole. 01:38:08.539 --> 01:38:12.760 Yeah, go ahead. Okay, my Asshole of the Week 01:38:12.760 --> 01:38:18.460 is out of 432 total members of the House of Representatives, 01:38:18.640 --> 01:38:23.239 I'm nominating all 357 who voted to refer House 01:38:23.239 --> 01:38:27.539 Resolution 1100. Back to the ethics committee 01:38:27.539 --> 01:38:31.000 effectively killing the bill. Now, House Resolution 01:38:31.000 --> 01:38:34.159 1100 would have required the immediate and full 01:38:34.159 --> 01:38:37.640 release of all investigations into sexual misconduct 01:38:37.640 --> 01:38:40.359 by members of the House of Representatives. Oh, 01:38:40.359 --> 01:38:45.800 I read about that. Yep. Yeah. So, 357 out of 01:38:45.800 --> 01:38:49.600 432 voted to basically kill the bill in fighting 01:38:49.600 --> 01:38:58.820 their sexual misconduct. Yeah, bullshit. They 01:38:58.820 --> 01:39:02.619 protect each other. Yep, that's the way it's 01:39:02.619 --> 01:39:04.119 been going and that's the way it's going to be. 01:39:05.420 --> 01:39:12.359 Yeah. Alright, Rob? Okay, my asshole of the week 01:39:12.359 --> 01:39:57.329 goes to, you guessed it, Shia LaBeouf. And he 01:39:57.329 --> 01:39:59.329 turned around and beat the crap out of three 01:39:59.329 --> 01:40:02.189 people because supposedly they touched him. I'm 01:40:02.189 --> 01:40:06.569 so sorry. I'm 57 years old. I've been in many 01:40:06.569 --> 01:40:09.970 bars. I've been in many nightclubs. Somebody's 01:40:09.970 --> 01:40:15.069 touching me. It's just a thing. You go on. You'll 01:40:15.069 --> 01:40:17.590 beat the shit out of everybody in the place. 01:40:18.489 --> 01:40:22.449 So he gets my asshole of the week. Face it, dude. 01:40:22.609 --> 01:40:27.399 You got a problem. Very well deserved. Okay, 01:40:27.399 --> 01:40:32.199 my asshole of the week is, I'm going to go ahead, 01:40:32.260 --> 01:40:36.500 there's several different people and areas I 01:40:36.500 --> 01:40:38.619 could do the asshole of the week is on this whole 01:40:38.619 --> 01:40:41.180 situation, but I'm going to go ahead and go to 01:40:41.180 --> 01:40:46.579 that piece of shit lawyer that got the guy off 01:40:46.579 --> 01:40:50.079 that fucking killed the lady at the Chief's Parade. 01:40:51.439 --> 01:40:56.619 Oh, yes. Yeah. Because people could say the prosecuting 01:40:56.619 --> 01:40:58.640 attorney. You could say all these different things. 01:40:58.699 --> 01:41:02.460 But I decided that fucking scammy, fucking dirty 01:41:02.460 --> 01:41:05.319 -ass lawyer that decided he was going to take 01:41:05.319 --> 01:41:07.920 money to get that piece of shit back on the street. 01:41:09.619 --> 01:41:14.060 Yep. And that is my asshole of the week. I don't 01:41:14.060 --> 01:41:15.960 know what his name is. I tried to look it up. 01:41:16.439 --> 01:41:20.800 But whoever that is, he should be the asshole 01:41:20.800 --> 01:41:22.680 of the decade. But I'm going to go ahead and 01:41:22.680 --> 01:41:27.170 go with the week. So, all right. You know, I 01:41:27.170 --> 01:41:31.550 heard someone talking about that on TV, and they 01:41:31.550 --> 01:41:34.170 said it had something to do with the stand your 01:41:34.170 --> 01:41:38.029 ground law. Yes. That somehow that applies. Yeah. 01:41:38.470 --> 01:41:40.550 Yeah, and that's why I went ahead and went with 01:41:40.550 --> 01:41:46.289 a lawyer instead of anybody else. So, you know, 01:41:46.289 --> 01:41:50.010 I hope that motherfucker who got him off, I hope 01:41:50.010 --> 01:41:51.970 his mom's really fucking proud of this stupid 01:41:51.970 --> 01:41:56.430 ass. Maybe he'll come back and fucking clip one 01:41:56.430 --> 01:42:00.149 of his family members and see how he feels. Yeah, 01:42:00.149 --> 01:42:04.630 it's bullshit, complete bullshit. So anyhow, 01:42:04.970 --> 01:42:07.869 yeah, that's, you know, I could go on and on 01:42:07.869 --> 01:42:13.430 about that, but I won't. So it is now 930. Rob 01:42:13.430 --> 01:42:15.989 has to get up in the morning. So I'm going to, 01:42:15.989 --> 01:42:18.069 quite frankly, I'm just going to ask Rob, do 01:42:18.069 --> 01:42:20.390 you wish to continue or do you have to call this 01:42:20.390 --> 01:42:31.449 a wrap? Okay. All right. Let's see. I was going 01:42:31.449 --> 01:42:34.310 to go into here real quick. I just wanted to 01:42:34.310 --> 01:42:38.310 let me see where it's at. You know what? Oh, 01:42:38.909 --> 01:42:41.449 yeah, yeah, yeah. Songs That Make You Leave a 01:42:41.449 --> 01:42:44.590 Bar is going to be one of the segments coming 01:42:44.590 --> 01:42:48.289 up at the Music Creeps. Oh, that's a good one. 01:42:48.510 --> 01:42:53.529 Yeah, yeah. And I got quite a few of them. And 01:42:53.529 --> 01:42:56.130 so this is coming up Tuesday. It'll probably 01:42:56.130 --> 01:42:59.270 be posted Wednesday, something like that. So 01:42:59.270 --> 01:43:02.729 this I'm going to try to get to you tonight or 01:43:02.729 --> 01:43:06.510 tomorrow morning before I go to work. So hopefully 01:43:06.510 --> 01:43:09.409 this will be up. And thank you guys for joining 01:43:09.409 --> 01:43:12.689 the Douchebag Gangbang. We can't promise that 01:43:12.689 --> 01:43:15.189 we don't get any secretion on you, but thanks 01:43:15.189 --> 01:43:21.220 for joining. Anyhow, everybody, thank you for 01:43:21.220 --> 01:43:22.840 listening. You were spreading the word. I mean, 01:43:22.840 --> 01:43:26.319 our numbers are fantastic. I appreciate it so, 01:43:26.380 --> 01:43:29.439 so much. I mean, gosh, man, it's just been excellent. 01:43:29.500 --> 01:43:33.180 Right, guys? Yes, it has. No problem. Yep, but 01:43:33.180 --> 01:43:40.640 go fuck yourself. Yeah. Go fuck yourself. Goodnight, 01:43:40.720 --> 01:43:45.399 assholes. Okay, goodnight, assholes, but still 01:43:45.399 --> 01:43:52.529 go fuck yourself. Oh, no. Looks like the show's 01:43:52.529 --> 01:43:56.149 over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't 01:43:56.149 --> 01:43:59.569 afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll 01:43:59.569 --> 01:44:01.409 be back invading your ear holes soon.