Well, well. We see you made it back. That's right.
It's time for your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags
and Microphone, live from the historic river
market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri. But
only on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays. Otherwise,
you get live from the Duck Wine Studio in Wheatland,
Missouri, and the Talk is Cheap studio from extreme
southern tip of the Kansas City Metroplex and
the surrounding areas. Let's grab a seat and
see what kind of garbage they throw at us today.
Enjoy. Welcome again. We're happy you chose us.
Come on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy
a bourbon and coke? There's a liquor store down
the road. If you go, I need rolling papers. Well,
since you're here, let's get this daily douchebag
pledge out of the way. All right, bitches, swing
your hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with
me. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make all friends, family members, and workmates
download this show. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
promise to grab idle computers, work computers,
friends computers, community computers, and other
assorted phones and listening devices and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
will download the show and constantly barrage
everyone with show name and platforms. I, Joe
or Jane Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume
and scream the show's name from my front yard.
And finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy
humor, we must go to Knoblick Cooter Licking
in Uranus, Missouri to take selfies with the
signs. If you go to Uranus, go to the Fudge Factory.
Yes, there's a Fudge Factory in Uranus. No joke.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys, we can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone? This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on the hustle. So I
just realized a genius that gets absolutely no
credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited
with the first bag of salad mix that was bagged
and sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe
he is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
bladders for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Hello, this is Phineas
J. Altaris III. I'm here to deliver your music
news this evening. Another Ozzy story alert.
ELP, Deep Purple, and Sabbath were all playing
at the 1974 California Jam. The bands had to
be flown in by helicopter to the gig. Ozzy said
after the bands had been flown in, they were
all standing behind the trailer. They look up,
and there's a pinball machine hanging below a
helicopter flying through the air. Turns out
the members of ELP owned a pinball machine and
demanded it to be flown to the Jam. Then other
bands wanted their own pinball machine, and by
the end of the gig, Everybody had their own pinball
machine to play before and after the show. This
is Phineas J. Baltaris III. That has been your
music news for this evening. I have one burning
question for you all. Do people really skip around
the Maypole? Hey peeps, it's time for the police
blotter. That's right, stories about stupid criminals
and the dumbassness that ensued. Let us begin
now. An Ohio man was arrested after authorities
said he mistakenly sent a baggie of crystal meth
through a tube at a bank drive -thru last week.
Jason G. Smith, 46, was cuffed on December 3rd.
After a swift investigation in to an unexpected
deposit, he made at the bank in Woodsfield, Ohio,
according to a press release from Monroe County
Sheriff's Office. Smith drove away from the bank
without realizing his mistake. An employee reported
the baggie he left. He was picked up on a drug
charge soon after. Hey, if you're a fan of paying
way too much for trinkets and food, well, your
wish is coming true. Han City International Airport
Guest Pass program is starting today. Yes, you
too could overspend on workless trinkets and
$15 cups of coffee. You want to buy a $50 cheap
t -shirt that has KC Western Auto Building image
on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue sauce
gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40 and you're
first born. Hurry. You know rubes are jumping
all over to get to this complete ripoff. Because
people are sheep. Hi there. This is your ears.
Why are you listening to this garbage? I thought
we were friends. Good evening, friends and neighbors.
I'm going to read to you a list of hypocrites,
self -righteous assholes that want to tell you
what you're doing wrong, but will not address
this for themselves. One newer issue among these
dullards is the stolen land gimmick. They tell
us we need to give up the land back, but when
they were confronted, they offered nothing. Therefore,
hypocrites and liars. Alyssa Milano, hypocrite
and a liar. Mark Ruffalo, hypocrite and a liar.
Jane Fonda, longtime hypocrite, liar. Elizabeth
Warren, longtime idiot, liar, hypocrite. Leonardo
DiCaprio, your name might be on a list somewhere
that just came out. I don't know, possibly. Maybe
you need to shut your mouth. Yeah, you probably
do. Billie Eilish, liar. Ben and Jerry, liars.
We go on for another hour, but you get the point.
I once again present to you the You First Movement.
This is when you mouth off about stolen land
or anything else, you go first. You live on stolen
land, you give your land back, but until this
happens, shut the fuck up. Out. Two douchebags
and microphone. This is Mark here in the Kansas
City area at the Talk Is Cheap studio. And I
am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track, and also
home of Hickam Oak Country Store, where you can
find all your needs, including a selfie with
the Sinclair Dinosaur with the enormous penis.
All right. Thank you, Rob. Okay, I'll tell you
what. Sunday nights is slightly different. Okay,
yeah. Okay, you do whatever you need to do, and
it's fine. Oh, yeah, yep. I got this whole thing.
Sorry about that. I'm sorry I did that to you.
No, well, actually, you did not. I did it to
myself. Well, yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, that's true. But, yeah, Sunday night, just
do whatever you can. You want to just narrow
it down to, this is Rob Rad at the Duck Blind
Studio. Wah, wah, that's fine. I mean, because
I don't do that much either. I'm just kind of
like, you know, here I am talking to Cheap Studio.
Southern Tampa, Kansas City, Metroplex. I'll
figure out another way to give this area knowledge.
Don't worry. Okay. Oh, I know you will. Okay.
Well, last week, if you remember, I reported
on the spells and stuff that they were getting
a cultist to do on Etsy, and Etsy finally outlawed
the spells. AI is ushering in a new era of Satanism.
Exorcists warn religious leaders. Is this Texorcist?
I didn't write that. So anyhow, with religious
rifts widening around the globe, an enterprising
Christian leader has potentially devised a way
to unite the faiths against a common foe. A Mexican
priest named Father Luis Ramirez is inviting
rabbis, evangelical preachers to join a special
exorcism. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't speak tonight,
but it's really not that much different than
any other night. So, anyhow, just deal with me,
okay? I can see where that's hard. Well, one
of the things, I need to get another ink cartridge,
and one of the problems I'm having is these light
spots that are hard to read. But anyhow, I can
get through it. So, Okai said, evangelical preachers
to join a special exorcism training course that,
among other evils, specializes in battling the
scourge of AI -fueled Satanism. The Times of
London reported, artificial intelligence is a
great power. a force for both good and evil,
and can therefore be used for devil worship,
and he warned at a press conference announcing
his course on the ministry of exorcism and prayer
of deliverance. Boy, that's kind of a long name,
isn't it? Hell yeah. Held at some Vatican -affiliated
university. That's too long a name for us blue
-collar people. This is true, yep. This niche
training draws over 170 participants interested
in performing exorcisms. While participants aren't
granted the authority to conduct a demonectomy,
that license can only be bestowed by a diocese
bishop. Per Catholic law, the university promises
on its website to deepen their knowledge of the
ministry of exorcism and deliverance prayer in
a serious and... disciplinary way. I'm not sure
what they meant by that, but whatever. Do they
grant scholarships for this? I don't know what
it would be titled. Okay, going on to something
a little less serious here. Rob, what did Bill
Clinton say to Hillary after having sex? Honey,
I'll be home in 20 minutes. That was a good one.
That was a good one. Yeah, they do. Oh, shit.
collectible in recent weeks after playing a key
part in a viral story about a bullied baby monkey
at the city zoo in Japan. Punch, a seven -month
-old macaw, was given one of the IKEA toys for
comfort after both his mother and other monkeys
rejected him in his enclosure. Heartwarming photos
of Punch playing with a plushie immediately went
viral worldwide, prompting the toy to sell out
at all Ikea stores in the U .S., Japan, and South
Korea. It's pretty cool. If you get a chance,
look it up. It's been on all the world news and
a lot of local news. But it's a small little
baby orangutan. It's just as cute as hell. It's
as cute as cute gets. And it was pretty much
just left just thrown away. The parents didn't
want it. None of the other monkeys liked it.
Well, the orangutans didn't like it. They all
shoved it aside. You know, kind of like Rudolph
the Red -Nosed Reindeer. You know, he got shunned
and all that stuff. So, anyhow, they gave him
this little plushie. orangutan monkey, right?
And he loved it. He laid on it, kissed on it.
He was just so happy with it. And he pretty much
acted like he thought this stuffed toy was his
mom. And it's really heartwarming. It's really
cool. I mean, even a real asshole would love
this, you know what I mean? Even a real dickhead
would be like, oh man, that's pretty cool, you
know? So, anyhow, and now people are buying these
plushies because they're throwing them into other
animals that are alone and watching what they
do. It's pretty interesting. You can watch all
of this on the Internet. So, anyhow, let me go
on here. Sorry, I've got a little bit of the
allergies because... Oh, I know that one. Oh,
boy. Yeah, it's been out in full force. Coincidentally,
it might snow. Sunday or Monday. So, okay. Yeah,
from the weather I see, I think it's going to
be Monday. Okay, all right. At least down here.
No, I think it's Monday up here, too. I wasn't
for sure. I thought it was Monday, but okay.
That sounds about right. Yeah, we're supposed,
once again, we're supposed to go from the 70s
to the 30s. Yes, yes. And you guys down there
might get some kind of strong storms. They're
calling for us just to kind of like be a cold
rain and then switch over to snow. So we'll see.
You know, they've been saying a lot of stuff
like it's all winter, and the whole fact is all
winter we've only had nine inches of snow. So
I'll believe this when I see it on the ground.
Exactly. Yeah. Other than that, no. Okay, Rob,
we all remember that lovable alleged mobster
John Gotti, right? Oh, Waltie. Yeah, yeah. I
mean, he was pretty cool. I didn't want to know
what he did in his spare time, but he was pretty
cool. You know, I kind of liked his style. He
was cool to hang out with. Oh, yeah, yeah, hell
yeah. Yeah, you know, he used to wear suits.
He used to have a dapper haircut, you know, walk
around with a little bit of swag. I mean, I enjoyed
him. He was fun to watch, you know. Like I said,
the stuff he did on his own time or in business
and stuff, I didn't want to know. That's on him.
Yeah, that's on him. So, and, you know, I'm not
caught up in all that shit, so I wasn't worried
about it. I didn't think he was going to come
after me for anything, so I didn't have, you
know. So, how about his son? You never hear anything
about his son, right? John Gotti's son? You really
don't? Well, I heard some things. Oh, okay. I
haven't heard. anything about it lately. Okay,
well, Mob Boss John Gotti's grandson, oh, it's
the grandson, I'm sorry, not the son, the grandson,
Carmine Angelo, Angelo, no, Angelo, all right,
39, is headed to prison after pleading guilty
to fraud in 2024, the New York Post reported.
As of sentencing's date, March 13th approaches,
Angelo is, hoping that the federal judge will
give him a break because he's donated a kidney
to his mom, Victoria Gotti. But the Eastern District
of New York isn't having it. Being a kidney donor
does not constitute extraordinary family circumstances
and warrant a below -guidelines sentence, the
office wrote. They also argued that the Bureau
of Prisons is more than equipped to care for
Angelo after his kidney donation. So they pretty
much told him, nice try, but nope, you're not
getting any more of a lenient sentence because
you're giving your kidney to your mom. Yeah.
So now... That'd be like anybody else in prison.
Yeah, no, no, I agree with it. It's only right.
It's only right. I mean, I agree with it. Then
everyone would be giving up a fucking kidney
to get a lenient sentence, you know? I mean,
murderers, everything. To your mom, though, that's
a different story. Well, of course, of course.
But what the court is saying is that has nothing
to do with anything. That's what the court said.
Okay, okay. And, yeah, I agree with it. I mean,
if you're in prison, you should still do your
time. No, he's going to do his time, is what
they said. He's just going to do it with one
kidney. Good deal. Yep. Now in the who gives
a shit department, beauty influencer allegedly
loses 140 ,000 followers after filter glitch
reveals her true face. A Chinese live streamer
allegedly lost thousands of followers after a
beauty filter malfunction revealed her true visage
per social media post going viral. Allegedly,
according to now viral clips, which had circulated
on threads, TikTok, and elsewhere, the unnamed
beauty influencer was filming a video when the
aesthetic mishap occurred. In the footage, the
content creator can be seen pimping for the camera
when all of a sudden her beauty filter comes
off, revealing a mature face with a warm complexion.
The virtual varnish is restored a few seconds
later, revealing a small pale contingence with
perfectly symmetrical features. By then, the
damage had allegedly been done. Social media
reports claim that she lost 140 ,000 followers
after inadvertent peek behind the online curtain.
Well, you know what? Maybe being two -faced isn't
a good thing, right, Rob? No, it never is. No.
So, anyhow. So, Rob, do you... That's just old
age telling you that. Yeah. Well, evidently,
it sounds to me like per that article is she
was looking much younger with filters and the
filter screwed up and went off. And then they
came back on. So people are like, oh, my God,
that's what she really looks like. Because, you
know, they they got to see it firsthand. And
of course, you know. A lot of people are like,
well, you know what? We're looking at her because
we thought she looked like this, but she doesn't.
So 140 people jumped off of her platform, and
hence she lost a shit ton of money, which I don't
care. You know, like I said, in the who gives
a shit department, but I reported it anyhow.
So there, slow news week. I mean, there's a lot
of news, but it's nothing we really want to talk
about, right? I don't know. I got some shit I
want to talk about. Oh, okay. All right. Well,
then let's just go ahead and hand it over to
you then, Rob. All right. Well, I want to go
back into my buddy's child above. Oh, no. Okay.
Yeah, please. Go ahead. Rob, you there? I'm here.
Give me a second. Okay. My drink of tea went
down the wrong pipe. What'd you say? I said my
drink of tea went down the wrong pipe. Oh, okay.
Oh, shit. Yeah. All right. Are you better? Okay,
I'm good. I'm good. Okay, go ahead. Let me get
my eyes to focus now. Gotcha. You know how it
is. Oh, yeah. Yes, I do. And this goes back to
Shia LaBeouf and Mardi Gras. Okay. He came out
with a response to what happened. Oh, okay. I
didn't see this. Yeah, you're like this. Okay.
And that's why I didn't need to get it out with
you and Topher because I like Topher's view on
this too. You can do it again Sunday night if
you want. Oh, I got a feeling we're going to
be talking about this Sunday night. Okay. Sounds
good to me. Anyway. Shia LaBeouf is sharing his
side of the story after being arrested on two
counts of simple battery earlier this month during
Mardi Gras. My behavior, I got to deal with that.
Does that mean I got to go to rehab again? I'm
just not into it, bro. The Transformers actor
said during an interview with Andrew Callahan.
Okay. Rob? I'm here. Okay. Like you said, allergies
too. Yeah, okay. I'm kicking my ass. Oh, me too.
He goes on to say, I don't think my answers are
there. I don't. I really generally don't. If
I generally did, The actor who was ordered by
a New Orleans judge to return to rehab on Thursdays,
and this was two weeks ago, said he instead has
a Napoleon complex. Okay. Yeah, he's not blaming
alcoholism. He's blaming Napoleon complex. Well,
that's his first problem right there, not being
self -actualized about the whole thing and trying
to do something. Yes, absolutely. Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's had plenty of... Well, yeah, we weren't
there. This is what we read, you know. But, you
know, we do this at the first of the program
saying we're not to be believed. You know, we
make shit up. So there you go, guys. But anyhow,
go ahead, Rob. Yeah, he says, I think I have
a different problem, and I'm going to address
it. I think I have a small man complex. He continued,
I think it's something that has to do with anger
and ego more so than my drinking. But that's
where I'm at now on my journey, and I'm trying
to navigate. I'll figure it out. You better.
Yeah, okay. In the interview, the monk also claimed
that recent altercation was prompted when three
gay men began touching his leg. Huh? Yeah. Now
he's claiming these guys were gay. I'm like standing
by myself and three gay dudes are next to me,
touching my leg. I get scared. I'm sorry if it's
homophobic, then I'm that. When asked if this
happens a lot, LaBeouf responded, it just happened
one time recently. Well, that's why I got arrested.
Nothing that things shouldn't have gotten physical.
I am wrong for touching anyone ever. And that's
the end of my statement on this whole shit. Wow.
Wow. I didn't... He's claiming these guys touched
him so he beat the shit out of them. I get that.
I get that. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I mean, if
you get touched unwanted, yeah, of course you're
going to, you know. So now he straight up and
said he may be homophobic. Okay. Which won't
help his career at all. Okay, Rob, help me clarify
this. Okay, so is it short man disease? Or is
it being homophobic? Which one is it? He said
both of them. Yeah, see, that's the thing. Yeah,
that's what he said. He's dancing around it.
Yeah. What he's doing. Okay. And if it's drinking
as a result of that, it doesn't matter. He's
still drinking. But he don't have any drinking
problem. Even though any time we read about it,
he's been drinking. It is just like that. In
altercations. Exactly, yeah. It's just like a
good buddy of mine used to say. There was one
at a restaurant here a while back, like last
year. Yeah, there was. I think it was at a restaurant
or something. Actually, I think there was a couple
last year. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's known for
it. No, it's not the alcoholism, Shia. Okay.
Anyway. I'll put it like this, like a good friend
of mine that used to say, he can't say it anymore
because he passed away, but he used to say, I
don't have a drinking problem. I get drunk, I
fall down, no problem. Mr. Hasler. Yeah, I mean,
I know that's an old one, but he used to say
that all the time. He'd show up with skinned
up knees and a blackened face. Ah, you got a
problem. It's like, well, it kind of looks like
you do, dude. You know, you're all black and
blue and scuffed up. No, no, no. I get drunk,
I fall down. It's no problem. Like, okay then.
All right. Let's go ahead. I know a few people
like that. I do too. Okay. We had some technical
problems there. If you heard some sort of a whatever.
So we apologize for that. Anyhow, let's go ahead
and take our first break, and maybe I can get
this shit figured out, okay? Sounds good. Okay.
We'll talk to you guys in a minute. Yes, it's
true. Mark is an old bastard. It's also true
that Mark uses a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would
like to tell you... If you see any pictures of
improved ibuprofen, it's obviously fake, and
you're to take the pictures and tear them up
immediately. People often ask, how do we cram
so much funny into one little show? Well, it's
simple. We buy funny in bulk on the Internet.
Hey, Mark, you're wanted at the front door. There's
a big bag of funny they need you to sign for.
Okay, thanks a lot. I'll be right there. I'm
still sorting out the funny we got from yesterday.
There's your answer we buy funny in bulk on the
internet. Since the dawn of time, weird shit
has happened. Strange occurrences, unexplained
phobias, and other odd happenings. Over the next
minute, we would like to bring you odd, rare
phobias and conditions. Harlequin ichthyosis
is a genetic disorder that babies are born with
a thickened skin nearly over its entire body.
The skin forms a large diamond trapezoid rectangle
-shaped plates that are separated by deep cracks.
These affect the shape of the eyelids, nose,
ears, mouth, and limit the movement of the arms
and legs. There are treatment options, finally.
The survival rate is much higher. Have you ever
wondered what something is about? Have you ever
looked at something and said, Hey, I wonder what
the origin of that is? Well, so have we. That's
why we give you The Origin Of. This is the origin
of Rob Rant's loincloth. Rob used to strip in
a nightclub called McCock's on the city's east
side. Rob was the only completely nude dancer
at the club. The other dancers were jealous of
Rob making all the cash and made him use a loincloth
to dance with. Rob soon had to wear his loincloth
daily. He found out that he could get out of
traffic tickets, sell vinyl siding, and pick
up hotties at the come and go. Rob now wears
his loincloth everywhere except work. Sparks
plus pubic hair equals to bad things. Now it's
time for pickup lines from a loser. Hey girl,
do you work at Subway? Cause you just gave me
a foot long. Tomorrow morning while grinding
your coffee beans for your double mocha latte,
remember to not get your genitals caught in the
grinder. It really hurts. Who can afford plastic
surgery? Stay safe everyone. And now deep thoughts
with Mark hmm let me think here my car keys have
actually traveled further than my car hmm weird
Two douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark here
in the Kansas City Metroplex at the extreme southern
tip of at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am
Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and water track, and also
home of Hickam's Country Store, where you can
find all your needs, including a selfie with
me. green Sinclair dinosaur. It's a huge penis.
For Mark. In the Duck Mart studio. Alright, thank
you, Rob. We have some emails. Awesome. I love
hearing from everybody. I do, too. It makes the
show. It really does. Man, every time I listen
to this show, the emails are the best part of
it. I don't know if we should feel bad or good
about that. I guess it doesn't matter. I think
we feel good because they keep emailing us. You
know what? Like my buddy that, well, I can't
say exactly what he does, but he works for a
big media company. Something along the lines
of what we do. And he was saying that, like,
he goes, even the biggest shows don't get regular
emailers. He was amazed. Not like we do. No,
I know. And when I first presented this to him,
He thought I was exaggerating or something. And
then I just started sending them to him in a
folder, you know, through the Internet. And he's
like, dude, he goes, whatever you're doing, he
said, keep doing it. He said, because most people
don't get engaged like that to any type of a
show, a podcast, or even one on air, you know,
like on FM or radio. We want to hear from our
listeners. Yeah, we do. So he was pretty impressed
with that. So, you know, I'm going with that.
I think it's a compliment, too. So, all right.
The first email. Any way you guys could raise
Topher's audio level? Ronnie in Tulsa. The Tulsa
King. Yeah, Ronnie. Okay. I think I'm going to
look for another Bluetooth, or I'm going to try
the Bluetooth I have one more time and see if
you can hear it better this time around. So you're
going to get both of us? Yes. I'm going to try
to do that. That's the problem we were having.
He was picking up me, but not him. Yeah, so we'll
see what, yeah, we'll try some different things.
But we'll get it figured out. I mean, we just
started doing the douchebag gangbang, which I'm
going to start calling it. Yeah, I love it. I
love that name. I do, too. I told Frances that
she just rolled her eyes at me. That means it's
good. That means it's good. If a female rolls
her eyes at it, that means it's great. All right.
Next one. I watched the cleaning people scrub
down that goofy -ass fireplace monument. It's
almost as goofy as Mark. Fucking asshole. Yeah.
Rob, I got you on the carp stew anytime. And
Topher, too, if he would like. Mitch. Yeah, so
if Topher likes carp stew, there you go. And
Mitch. Even if you did like me, I still would
turn you down on Carp Stew. So fuck off. That
is one thing I want to look up for tonight that
I did not, which I might do during this podcast.
I want to see if somebody did actually vandalize
it. You know what? I would think if you were...
I have not heard nothing. I haven't either. So
maybe he's just joking around about this. I mean...
Yeah, see if you can find it. We will let you
know Sunday night whether that actually happened.
Yeah, yeah. And it's set right in front of Cass
County Jail. Well, that's what I said, too. Someone
could have done it, I guess, but they have cameras.
It is out by the highway. The cameras are in
towards it. Someone with dark clothing on at
night. Could have probably done it. So it might
be true. But you know what, Rob? Do some research
and let me know if it happened. Let everybody
know. I guarantee I want to do research on that.
Okay. Thank you, Rob. Anyhow, it says, Mitch,
President and CEO of Lake Freeman Bonfire and
Whiskey Alliance. Now, I like that. That's good.
Thank you. Thank you, Mitch. All right, Mitch.
Mitch, that was a great email, but go fuck yourself.
Like always. Like always. The next one. More,
more, more of the three of you on the same show.
Bravo. Rossington and Dallas. Ross, thank you.
Yes. Actually, it brings something out in us,
the three of us together. It really does. Oh,
yeah. I've listened to it. I hear it. You hear
it. I think a lot of people hear it. Yes. Yeah,
we're going to do it as often as we can. So far,
the feedback I've got on it, I have not heard
one negative thing. Everybody is just raving
about it, which tells me we're doing good with
it. Especially people I trust, like Ronnie and
Tulsa. Mitch, I trust him. Rossington. Terry
from Omaha. All of them. Yeah, Terry from Omaha.
Yeah, all of them. So all of you royalty that
write in occasionally or write in all the time,
everyone that I trust has really liked the show,
the new one, the Gang Bang Show. So we appreciate
it. And keep them coming in your comments. If
you don't like them, let us know. Like we've
always said, hate mail goes to the front of the
line. So if you bother to hate us that much,
we're kind of proud of it, aren't we? Yeah, always.
Yeah. Oh, we wear that like a badge of honor.
It's like, oh, you hate us? Oh, yeah. Really?
Oh, thanks. Yeah. All right. We roll around,
and we swivel in their hate, and we love it.
All right. Mark, still no Johnny Dare on any
station. I saw where Nikki Pace got a job. Nikki
Pace was his sidekick, one of them. And she did
the news and stuff. That was the female of the
show, of the Johnny Dare morning show. So anyone
that doesn't know. So I saw where Nikki Pace
got a job in Kansas at a station out a bit. I
think it's out of the Wichita area or somewhere
around there, or maybe Hutchinson. I forgot.
It's called the Rock of Kansas, and it's a big
booming fucking station in that area. It's probably
Wichita, then. Probably. Wichita or Topeka, one
of the two. I don't think it's Topeka at all.
Then it'd be Wichita. I think it's Wichita, probably.
Big booming station, yeah. Yeah. That makes sense.
Yeah, so it's like ROK is what the call letters
are on it. I don't know what the first one, maybe
it's, well, anyhow. Okay. Are you still standing
by your prediction of Johnny being on the station,
on 101 The Fox, basically, is what I've been
saying? Yeah. Johnny and OP. Johnny, thank you.
Appreciate that, even though his name is not
Johnny. Okay. I had them going to Cumulus, but
Topher did a story from the city market, Tuesday
it was, about how Cumulus is going bankrupt again.
Okay, I have not heard that. Yeah, no, it's true.
I have not heard that episode. Oh, okay, yeah,
it's the latest one. It's the alternative universe
douchebags. So they're going bankrupt again.
Yeah, I think, you know, once like Chuck Nasty
or Doug Metlock retires, two legends in Kansas
City, you know. They'll bring in another legend.
Yeah, I think they'd bring in Johnny. But the
thing is, the money thing is probably going to
be not nearly, well, nobody's getting it. Not
just, you know, nobody's getting the money they
used to in radio because the ad revenue simply
is not there. So the answer is yes, I think he
still will be on 101 The Fox if he wants to do
it for whatever they offer him, and I don't know
what that would be. I don't know what the going
rate is. All I know is it is considerably less.
I mean, like, a lot less than it used to be.
You know, really good shows in a good market,
in a large market, would command over a million
dollars, usually. For the top ones, you know,
well over a million, if not more. And then all
the endorsements and stuff. Nowadays, I don't
know what it is. I mean, is it $70 ,000? Is it
$100 ,000 for a really good show? I don't know.
All I know is it is quite a bit less than it
used to be. So I guess the whole fact is if Johnny
wants to do that, he'll probably get an opportunity.
This is my feeling. I've spoke about this ever
since The Rock cut him. And I still say that
he's too good to not be on Kansas City somewhere
unless he chooses not to. So I think one way
or another, there's going to be stations that
will try to get his services. But like I said
before, it's not going to be the whole crew.
They don't do that anymore. They usually hire
one person, the most famous person. That would
be Johnny. And go, all right, you know, you're
just doing a solo thing here, so, you know, play
three songs, get on air, talk about something
that happened to you, you know, like you tripped
and I don't know, whatever it is that you want
to talk about. And then that should last about
three minutes. Go into commercials, come back,
play another three songs. You see, that's the
way it is anymore. That's another reason they
don't pay that much is they don't want the personalities
to really engage that much. They want it to be
fleeting. Have you noticed that, Rob? Yeah. Yeah,
they want to go, oh, yeah, it's like it's 72
degrees, and I was reading an article the other
day, and it was talking about people, I don't
know, biting their nipples, some new syndrome,
you know, and just thought that was a little
weird, you know, and then they come up with some
sort of a little ha -ha, and then they go straight
into commercials, and they go into three more
songs, you know. It's like a formula they do
anymore. They don't want the DJ or the personality
on there too much. They want the songs, they
want the commercials, and they don't really want
that much personality. And this is all the big
media companies are all like that now, you know,
where they used to want you to have a personality.
They used to want you to engage the audience.
Now it's kind of like the opposite. It's like,
look, you're a glorified jukebox, so don't get
fancy and don't get, you know, don't get fucking
all cocky on us. Just, you know, know your role.
All right, that is the end of the emails. Rob,
you might have something coming up here, right?
Oh, you know I do. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm reaching.
I'm reaching. Yay. Got it. Rob's bag of garbage.
Rob's bag of garbage. Yes, it is. Greatest segment
ever. In the history of podcasting and anything
like that. That's a pretty funny one. Okay. Sounds
good. In 2016, a gas station in Russia launched
a publicity stunt operating a free -filled tank
of fuel to customers who arrived in a bikini
under the promotion's rules. Okay. So anybody
in a bikini could get free text gas. Even me?
The promotion later drew many men who showed
up in bikinis. Okay. Some even wearing high heels.
Send me pictures of COVID. Crowds quickly formed
with a lineup for fuel stretching almost a block.
expecting mostly female participants. The station
ran the event for about three hours. An unspecified
amount of fuel was given away during the promotion.
What was meant to be a clever marketing stunt
ended up becoming a lesson in promotions. Always
think carefully about the rules. Because people
will follow them very literally. Mm -hmm. That
was a good one. I love that. Yeah, they show
guys in bikinis. Well, I mean, they kind of have
to. They got the tube tops. That's fucking hilarious.
That is good. I like that a lot. You got another
one, don't you? Yeah. Yes, I do. Oh, yeah. I'm
reaching and grabbing. Greatest segment ever.
Oh, this bag sucks. It's plastic. What the shit
happened? I just had to vacuum it. Didn't you
have a Hikimo bag for a while? That's what it
is. Oh, it is. Okay. Yeah, the first one was
a paper bag. This one's plastic. Oh, okay. Yeah,
the paper bag works much better. Yeah, the paper
work. And it sounded better on the air, too.
Yeah, it sounded really good, the paper bag.
Yeah, I might get another paper bag if I can
find a store that's got them anymore. But anyway,
next up, in 1916, Sisters Adeline and Augusta
Van Buren became the first women to ride solo
motorcycles across the United States. They covered
roughly 5 ,500 miles from Portland, New York,
across the country on to Southern California
in about 60 days on Indian Power Plus motorcycles
facing bad roads, rain, mud, mountains, and desert
heat. and leather gear, which led them being
stopped or arrested multiple times by local police.
Not for speeding, but simply for wearing men's
clothing. Okay. Yeah, he's 1960, yeah. Okay,
all right, all right. Or a loud dress like that.
Each time they were evicted. allowed to continue.
Their journey proved women could handle long
distance motorcycle travel and help push for
greater equality. Okay. Yeah. I never knew that.
I didn't either. Yeah, they did that. Now that
was... If you could drive 5 ,500 miles on a motorcycle,
1916, you're better than most men. I think. That's
my opinion. You know what? I couldn't agree with
you more, Rob. I think your opinion's dead on.
Alright. Ronaldo, a man from Sao Paulo, Brazil.
Actually, Paulo. I go back to my printer needing
more ink. Actually, I think I'm just going to
buy another printer, actually. The ink costs
more than the printer. They've been doing this
for years. It's so weird. But anyhow, so Ronaldo,
a man from Sao Paulo, Brazil, was walking to
work when two vicious dogs attacked him. The
dogs lunged at his neck, and as he fought them
off, one bit down on his cell phone in his shorts
pocket, which turned out to be a fortune. The
phone exploded, scaring the dogs off. That moment
was terrifying, but that very mobile phone saved
my life, Ronaldo said. He did sustain some minor
burns on his leg. The dog's owner apologized
and agreed to cover his medical expenses and
the cost of a new phone as well. So, I mean,
that's pretty cool that his phone blowing up
saved his life because those dogs would have
mauled him to death. But wouldn't it be funny
if those annoying pukes that walk around screaming
in their Bluetooth at any given public place,
if their phone would magically explode? Oh, definitely.
Oh, that'd be great. Yeah, I mean, I hate it.
You know, you're, yeah, I had, I had Fruity Pebbles
for breakfast. Oh, yeah. Ha, ha, ha. I remember.
And it's like, motherfucker. It's like, dude.
It's like, number one, nobody gives a shit about
your business. Number two. Why do you have to
yell into thin air looking like a fucking maniac,
which you probably are, looking like a complete
idiot and a fool like you are? It's just ridiculous.
So, anyhow, I mean, I'm glad this guy was saved
by his phone blowing up, but I wish we had some
sort of a mechanism, like if someone's walking
around a public place screaming into thin air
to where you can just blow their Bluetooth up
like that, or their phone, or both. Anyhow, Rob,
I got a question. The new stuffy English -sounding
guy I use with the police blotter section, am
I using him too much, or do you like him? I like
him. Okay. I do, too. Actually, technically,
I'm starting to take a liking to the new guy,
too. He grows on you, doesn't he? Well, he's
calming down a little bit. He's not as cantankerous
as he was. No, no, no. And that's because, you
know, I've been yelling at him quite a bit and
kicking him out. Well, we both have. Yeah, we
both have. And as you notice, we're not doing
as many segments with him in it, and I think
he's starting to get a little bummed out about
it, so he's got to play by the rules. Well, yeah,
his pace. Yeah, I told him, I said, we know you
hate us and we know you think we're a couple
of fucking jerk asses. We know this. But can
we get past that and just do your job? He said
he's going to try to. I see where he's been trying.
Yeah, yeah, I'm reasonably happy with him now.
So, okay. Let's take our second break and then
come back with some more garbage. Not like your
bag of garbage, but other garbage. All right,
everybody, we will be right back. I know, it's
all garbage. You know what, you're right. Yes,
what am I saying? Right, yeah, yeah. All right,
we'll be right back. Long time ago, there was
this party house. And this is when I worked at
Jesse Jim's Steakhouse. Oh, yeah. Okay, and all
of us partied at night. And the guy that worked
there, he lived back behind Jesse Jim's. And
anyhow, he was divorced. So he had kind of like
a party house back there. So me and a buddy of
mine were sitting back there one night, and we're
bored as hell. So we're daring each other to
do stupid shit. So I told him, I said, all right,
I forgot what he dared me. He probably ran around
the block naked or something like that. Something
stupid, you know, clucking like a chicken or
like, I don't know, you know, just stuff that
we could come up with that we could do. So I'm
looking around. I look next door, and I guess
there's like some party or something going on,
and neither one of us heard about it. So we're
the only two tool bags sitting here at that party
house. We're just sitting there going, fuck,
man, this is boring as hell. So, you know, we're
doing this stupid shit that we're daring each
other to do. So I look out, and there's a house
next to it with this little porch. I go, hey,
go out there, take a dump on the porch, light
it on fire, bang on a door, and then come back.
Sure, no problem. So, hey, I'm sitting there,
and I see this silhouette of a moonlight, this
shadowy figure fucking squatting. See these fucking
couple of turds come out. And see him fucking
throw up his shorts real quick. And all this
is just a shadowy figure. Then I see him stooped
over. It took him a long time to get this fucker
lit. I see him over there laboring. And I'm like,
oh shit. So then he like throws some leaves or
some shit on it. And finally I see this little
flame. And I see this like, he kind of clenches
up like, yeah! And all of this is shadowing,
right? So anyhow, I'm like, ah, good, good job,
well done. So he comes back, he sits down, and
we're sitting there waiting, waiting, waiting,
nothing. We both end up passing out. So three
in the morning, I wake up, and I see like this
glow. It's kind of an orange glow through the
blinds. What the hell? And I hear a bunch of
rustling and shit and people talking. All of
a sudden, it dawned on me, oh, fuck. Oh, shit,
he burnt down the house next door. Oh, my God.
So, yeah, I get up, I go over there, and there's
like four firefighters with this hose, and a
guy standing out there shaking his head, and
they're all laughing. Because... Someone shed
his shit on the porch, lit it, and it caught
their porch on fire. Because nobody fucking answered
the door. They were probably sound asleep. Maybe
they're on sleeping pills or something. I'm like,
dude, dude, wake up. He's like, oh, fuck, man.
I'm on probation. I'm going to go to jail. I'm
like, dude, calm down. It didn't burn the house
down, man. Nobody died or nothing. Listen, they're
all out there laughing and stuff. And the homeowner's
like shaking his head like, who the fuck did
this? So anyhow. Hey there. We all have those
annoying co -workers that do nothing. There's
nothing we can do about it because HR departments
are running scared of lawyers. So we have to
work with these worthless pieces of garbage.
But we have to communicate about them without
them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak
about them right in front of them without them
knowing about it. Stay tuned. Cordless only works
40 minutes. ET always wants to go home. Kit Kat
always taking a break. Muffler always exhausted.
Seaweed floats around all day. Sensor light only
works when someone walks by. Wheelbarrow only
works when pushed. My mechanic told me I couldn't
repair your brakes. So I made you a horn ladder.
So you want proof that we love you here at QD
Spades and Microphone Central? Here's a proof
right here. How about the drink of the week?
Hey, all you drunk belly dancers. This one's
for you. This is a Butch Wacker. This is from
Norwegian Cruise Line's Best Drinks. This is
a chocolatey, delicious drink. Thick. You can
make yourself. It starts out one ounce of rum,
one half ounce chocono, chocolate flavor liqueur.
One half ounce of vodka. 1 1⁄2 oz of Bailey's
Irish Creek, 1 1⁄2 oz of Kahula, and 1 1⁄2 oz
of Amaretto. Shake all together, put in a glass,
and there you are. Delightful, chalkwoody goodness.
Enjoy. Hello, this is Phineas J. Altaris III.
I'm here to deliver your music news this evening.
Faith No More and Mr. Bungle lead singer Mike
Patton. was falsely identified as a sexual predator
in Ohio. A person that has Mike's same name confused
Google AI and then identified the singer as the
predator. Mike Patton, the singer, is working
on getting the false information scrubbed off
the internet. This is only the tip of the iceberg.
This is Phineas J. Baltar S. III. That has been
your music news for this evening. I have one
burning question for you all. Do people really
skip around the Maypole? Strange, but true. There
are deep -sea fish with transparent heads and
visible brains. The barrel -eye fish looks like
something from an alien autopsy. Its head is
literally see -through, and you can watch its
eyes swivel inside like little green orbs of
doom. Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time
for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit
about. Every Model T that was ever manufactured
was in the color black. Hello, this is a new
guy, and these two dum -dums want me to explain
what happened about a girl that seemingly knocked
over a ton of beer coasters that someone did
for a world record or something stupid like that.
Okay, a girl... elicited gaffes from viewers
after toppling a near -world -record beer coaster
tower that took an artist over a month to build,
as seen in a clip with millions of views. In
total, I spent about 120 hours constructing this
sculpture, creator Benjamin Kapler, 49, told
Jam Press of his office. This was located on
the Rhein Center Shopping Center in Cologne,
Germany. The German artist repulsively constructed
the impressive structure out of 63 ,000 beer
coasters in an attempt to set a new Guinness
World Record. He began constructing the work
on October 31st of last year and finally completed
it on December 8th. Then on January 10th, his
dream came crashing down. The now viral footage,
the young gal seems to be pulling out a piece
of veritable beer mat, Mount Everest, causing
it to tumble like a house of cards. Thankfully,
fall... is not as it seemed. Kapler noted that
the tower had partially collapsed under its own
weight just before the completion, so he invited
guests to play bare mat jenga. So therefore,
when this happened, the girl was the one that
picked the wrong card. So there you go. I don't
know what else to say. 50 bucks isn't worth it,
and those pencil shavings marks an idiot. of
at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob in
Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and Watertrap, and also home
of the Hickamos Country Store, where you can
find all your needs, including a selfie with
the green sequoia dinosaur with a huge penis.
Oh, Rob, check this out. I'm going to be doing,
you know, I barbecue a lot. I smoke a lot, right?
Okay. I get a corned beef brisket, and I am going
to smoke that, yes. And we're going to do smoked
Reuben's. I saw this recipe on the Internet the
other day, and then I saw a restaurant. that
sells them. I guess it's kind of like, I don't
know if it's a new thing, but it's kind of getting
popular again, or it's first time being popular,
I'm not sure which. But I will let you know how
that turns out. Man, to me, that sounds phenomenal.
What do you think? Sounds awesome. Oh, yeah.
But when I do the Reuben... You know, you slice
up, you know, you smoke the corned beef, okay,
and then you cut it all up, you slice it up,
you know, into strips, kind of like you do barbecue
beef, and then you make your Reuben. But when
I put the cheese and the sauce on it and everything
and the bread, I'm going to put it back in the
smoker and let it smoke a little bit more and
toast the bread in there. What do you think?
Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. That sounds good. Yeah.
You know what? I mean, when you come up for the
concert, maybe I'll have... Well, damn it. We
want to go to all these restaurants, too. No,
the main one is going to be Jess and Jim's. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. We've got to go back there. Because
when we walk out of Jess and Jim's before we
go to the concert, you and I are going to be
holding hands when we walk out that door. It
may be the last time we walk out of Jess and
Jim's together. It could be, very much so. I
thought of that today, man. We got to be old
man's. Like, remember how we used to, like...
That was a wise behavior, old man's. We used
to run people out of there that were lingering
at night. Yeah, we did. By acting like we were
making out, we'd put our hand in front of our
mouth. That's back... This is back in the 80s.
It wasn't as accepted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And
it wasn't as accepted back then as it is now.
Nowadays, it'd be like, okay, two guys making
out. But back then, it was still kind of shocking.
But if restaurant hours is over, we want your
asses out so we can go on. Yeah, we couldn't
fucking leave until they left. And it's like,
motherfuckers, they're not ordering from the
bar. They're not doing anything except just sitting
there wasting our fucking time. Yeah. It's like,
go home and talk, asshole. Don't waste our time.
Jeez. Talk in the car on your way the fuck out
of here. Yeah, whatever. So, all right, Rob,
let's go to you for the next story. Yes, I'm
here. I told you, how are you, dude? You've got
the worst timing. Anyway, you're good. We're
going to make it through this, one way or another.
Next time, if you can get out a little signal
so I know to start talking. I don't know, two
taps? Two taps on your phone? I don't know. I
don't know. When the cough comes, I've got to
answer. No, no, no. I understand that. I'm not
bitching about that at all. I understand that.
Okay. Just like right there. Good thing is I
have you. I do, but when I'm taking a call, it's
kind of complicated to get to. Right, I know.
And then the microphone, I'm afraid to touch
it. I'm telling you. Because sometimes I'll hit
the wrong button. and then it takes me five minutes
to figure out how to get it going again, so I
essentially don't have mute. It is haunted. It
is haunted. It really is. Yeah, it is. Yep. It's
his own co -host. Yeah, it really is. It does
what it wants to. It really is. Yeah. All right.
Yeah, we're going into another weird story. Okay.
During the tense years of the Cold War, intelligence
agencies consistently searched for creative ways
to spy on their rivals. Satellites, submarines,
hidden microphones, and undercover agents were
all part of the game. But sometimes the most
unusual ideas came from the most unexpected places.
One of the strangest espionage concepts in all
they fish. Okay. Yes, you heard me. Espionage
and fish in the same sense. That's going to be
interesting where it's going. It is. It really
is. And I love it. In the 1990s, engineers working
with... with the Central Intelligence Agency,
developed a remarkable experimental device known
as Charlie the Catfish. Instead of sending human
agents into dangerous waters, the agency explored
the idea of using a robotic fish to secretly
gather environmental intelligence. The goal was
to monitor rivers and waterways in territories
connected to the Soviet Union. Intelligence officials
feared that hidden industrial facilities or weapons
programs could be releasing chemical or radioactive
waste in the nearby rivers. But setting obvious
monitoring equipment into these areas risked.
So engineers designed something that looked completely
natural. Charlie the Catfish was a remote -controlled
robotic fish built to move through water like
a real animal. Instead, his body was specialized
equipment that could quietly collect water samples
and measure contamination levels. To avoid suspicion,
the robot was carefully designed to mimic the
movement of a real fish. Its internal motors
allowed the tail to sway naturally, while hidden
electronics transmitted data back to researchers.
Even more cleverly, the communication system
was disguised. A small antenna was hidden along
the fish's spine, allowing operators to control
it and receive information without relieving
its true purpose. The concept showed how far
intelligence agencies were willing to go in their
technological experiments. Though projects like
this often remained secret for years, they highlighted
the unusual creativity the divine cold war espionage.
Today, this strange robotic spy fish has become
a fascinating historical curiosity. The prototype
of Charlie Catfish can reportedly be seen at
the CIA museum, where it serves as a reminder
that in the world of espionage, An ordinary fish
might not be what it seems. Okay. I have questions
about this. Yeah, I do too. Okay, that was in
the 90s. Okay, 90s, never mind. My answer is
a question. Okay. I was saying, when did they
come out with remote control monster trucks and
cars and stuff? That was probably... This was
in the 90s. Yeah. Yeah, that, okay, yeah. Well,
I had a Koi pond here at this place for quite
a while. And I ended up having to, you know,
just dig it out and fill it in because it kept
leaking and... And it was just a big pain in
the ass. The fish kept dying. And we had our
granddaughter really took to the goldfish, right?
And the other fish that we had in there. But
they kept dying. So I actually found a couple
of robot fish online. And they're remote controlled.
And I put them in the water because she was really
young at the time. Just so she would think that
it had fish in it. And so they do have robotic...
Yeah, you can buy one right now. You can buy
a robot fish if you want. And it is really realistic
looking. I mean, if you're a grown -up, you can
tell it isn't, but it takes a second. You've
got to look at it and go, okay, that's not real.
But to a child, that really looked real. That's
how close it is. And so... Back in the 90s, I'll
bet you they did have that robot fish. Yes. Yeah,
put them in a river, you wouldn't be able to
tell. No, in a river you couldn't. In a koi pond,
you know, you've got a certain amount of area
that isn't that large. Yeah. And, you know, it
never went in the waterfall or anything, of course.
It probably would have destroyed it. Actually,
it was what they were, the information they were
wanting was the radioactivity. All the chemicals.
Nobody probably ever seen this fish. You know,
because it was deeper in the water. No, no, I'm
pretty sure they probably didn't. You know what
I mean? And not only that. But they designed
it in case somebody didn't see it. No, I like
that idea, in case someone didn't see it. Yeah,
that's brilliant, I think. I thought it was a
good, yeah, I think it was a good idea. Cool.
All right. Thank you, Rob. All right. Call into
the Washington State Department of Licensing,
and you'll have the option for Spanish language
communication. At least that's what you'd expect.
But instead, the Associated Press reported an
automated AI voice just speaks English with a
real strong Spanish accent. All right. Yeah.
No joke. For real. Maya Edwards, whose husband
pressed two for Spanish, said, It was hilarious
to us in the moment because it was so absurd.
But at the time, it was real accessibility issues
for people who need to speak in a different language.
The DOL... Department of Licensing apologized
and said the glitch had been fixed as of February
27, but calls through the service still resulted
in the accented voice and using Spanish words
only for numbers, as in your estimated wait time
is less than tre minutes. Isn't that funny? Yes,
it is. Dos minutes or uno minutes. Yeah, so whoever
came up with that, you know what? I think that
might get an ass paddling. What do you think?
Yeah, maybe. You know what? I'm going to write
that down so I remember. And we will see what
Shia LaBeouf gets. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm going
to leave that for you. I have something in mind.
Okay. Oh. Maybe a big and ball bite. No. No?
Well... Oh, yeah, you know what? Before this
show ends, I've got to explain the big and ball
bite because people are kind of relentless about
this. Yeah. And you were right. Ever since I
mentioned him a couple of times... People don't
go that far back on the podcast, so they have
no idea how big the ball biter is. But before
I do that, you got another story you want to
go into? Yeah, I do. I got one real quick. Okay.
And this is another person that I personally
knew that I personally worked with. Okay. And
she came from around the Lake of the Ozarks.
Okay. Sorry for the bad news late. A captain
man has been charged after a deputy was injured
during a foot chase. On Sunday, March 1st, deputies
went to Osage Beach to arrest Mark Lawrence.
Mark was wanted for felony property damage. Which,
that property there, I'll tell you right now.
Okay. He was in a local rehab. All this is allegedly,
allegedly. Yeah, allegedly. Allegedly in the
courtyard. But he put, but I know different.
But he put his, allegedly, Broke a window with
his arm and ran out of this rehab. Okay. I happen
to know for a suspect. But we still have to say
allegedly. Allegedly. Okay. When the deputy or
Lawrence or yeah. When the deputies got to the
patio of the apartment where Lawrence was, court
documents state that Lawrence ran out of the
door and jumped over the handrail. He landed
on the ground and took off running. The documents
state that a deputy gave him verbal command to
stop running, but Lawrence did not stop. I worked
with him. I understand. Lawrence ran toward the
road. He jumped over the guardrail, crossed the
street, and went over the guide wires in the
median, which at that point is Highway 54. The
actual Highway 54. Yeah, the new floor lane.
Oh, okay. Not the old one. I know what you're
talking about. Not the business 54 that goes
through everything. The new bypass. Yeah, the
bypass. The deputy who was chasing Lawrence tried
to jump over the guide wires but got tangled
in the wires. The sheriff had severe injuries
to his leg and knee. Deputies eventually arrested
Lawrence. He was taken to Camden County Jail.
Prosecutors charged Lawrence with second -degree
assault, special victim, resisting arrest, detention,
Stopped by fleeing, creating a substantial risk
to serious injury, debt to any person, or first
-degree property damage. Well, here's the thing
about Mr. Mark Lawrence. Okay. He was on parole.
Oh, allegedly. If he'd be a legend. You know
the rules, dude. I know. But I also know the
truth. Allegedly, he was on the rules. Now, he's
looking at probably 10 years straight. Yeah.
Well, what he did that day, on top of his parole,
he's looking at probably 10 years straight. Okay.
Good for you, Mark. I'm proud of you. You did
real good coming out of prison. Well, okay. Well,
thank you, Rob. Just saying. Okay. Big in the
ball biter, and then we can go ahead and shut
this whole shit show down. Sound all right? Sounds
good. Okay. Well, this all started back a long
time ago in the 80s. I was playing football,
high school football, at Cass Midway. And we
were a very small school. And so we used to have
to have, we didn't have the capital to really
play football, but we did. I mean, but we had
to do a little trickery to be able to because
the money wasn't there. We had to buy most of
our stuff ourselves. But one of the things that
we had given to us were the old football helmets,
like I think it's like maybe like Notre Dame
or St. Pius, stuff like that. The schools that
had more capital to work with gave us their old
helmets. Now, these helmets were, like, old.
You know, they'd been hid a lot. So they were,
like, distorted, you know. And so we'd put them
on our head, and they would pop off really easily.
So we had this guy we called Biggin. He was just
this farmhand. I'm not going to speak too bad
of him because he did pass away not too long
ago. Yes. So... He would like to grow out his
thumbnail and his index fingernail and sharpen
them. And then when you're in the dog pile there,
he would reach in there and he would pinch the
inner part of your thigh up there right next
to your junk. And, oh, my God, that would hurt
so bad. But the problem is, is you couldn't turn
anyone in. The coach was so adamantly against
it because we had this one guy that used to always
go, hey, he held me, or hey, he tripped me. And
he would make us run, our coach would make us
run gassers when someone would rat on somebody
about a penalty or whatever. And gassers were
the side -to -side football field twice. And
he'd make us run quite a few of them. So, you
know, the snitch would get his ass kicked in
the locker room. And that's what it was designed
to do. In other words, quit being a pussy. Yes.
Yeah. So just accept it. Yeah, pretty much quit
being a pussy. Figure out a way around it. I
don't know. Whatever you got to do. So Biggin
was getting away with it because we couldn't
tell on him because we didn't want to run gassers.
So we had this little running back named Jimmy.
And he was a little kind of shorter, a little
kind of skinny guy. But he could get underneath
people. He could dodge tackles and stuff. He's
a really good running back. And he's very instrumental
in us winning a lot. So this was a really hot
September day. And Biggin was out there with
us practicing. And like I said, you know, he
liked to grow out his fingernails. Now, one thing
that happened is, is occasionally his helmet
would pop off. And whenever it did, instead of...
getting you with his fingernails. He would reach
in there as far as he could with his mouth, and
he would bite you on your inner thigh. And, oh,
shit, I had black and blue bite marks there and
stuff. So did some other guys. We're like, motherfucker,
it hurt. And so... Me and him could have been
friends, just saying. So, anyhow, Biggin, you
know, I mean, I don't want to... be too ill of
them but kind of psychopathic behavior you know
so um so anyhow um we it was really hot september
day and jimmy the little running back he was
wearing white pants he was acting like the opposing
team and we're getting ready to play drexel which
was our arch nemesis and so He had some sort
of a weird, I don't know, jockage type of stuff
going on. Or, I don't know, some fungal thing.
Or maybe just like, you know, maybe some chafing
because it was really hot. And he couldn't wear
his jock straps. So, you know, his stuff was
kind of like hanging down a little bit there,
right? So, you know, he's running, bam, you know,
underneath the dog pile. And Biggin's helmet
popped off. And he reached in there and got him
a bite. And all of a sudden, Jimmy jumps up,
holding his fucking junk, and there's blood coming
out everywhere, and he's wearing white pants.
And the coach is like, ah! Coach runs over there.
He pulls his pants down to see what was going
on. And he had a fucking bite mark on his nutsack.
The coach is like, who did this? Who the hell
did this? Everyone pointed at Biggin. So, Biggin
got in a lot of trouble, and I don't think he
went to court over it or nothing, but I do remember
he got in a lot of shit for doing that, and deservingly
so. No one had to narc him out. He finally did
it to himself because his helmet popped off.
When he reached in there, you know, Jimmy wasn't
wearing a jockstrap, so his stuff was hanging
a little bit lower, and he bit his nutsack and
drew blood. Jimmy was hurting really bad, needless
to say. And, yeah. And Biggin got into a bunch
of shit. Yeah, I would say, too. The coach grabbed
Biggin by his ear, I believe, or maybe it was
his Scotty, his little thing in the back. It
was something like that. I can't remember. It
was a long time ago. And he practically drug
him inside. And poor Jimmy and the nurses and
stuff had to go over there and fucking play around
with his bag and stuff, and he hated it, you
know. It was already hurting, and they're over
there fucking throwing alcohol and swabbing it
and stuff. He's like... So, anyhow, Big and in
the Great Beyond, you're still talked about.
It may not be fondly, but you're still remembered.
So, all right. That is something he would want
to be remembered. for. Yes, because he sure loved
doing it, that's for sure. Anyhow, Rob, you got
anything else? Honestly, brother, that's all
I have for tonight. Like I said, it's been a
very long week. I've had a lot more going on
than normal. Oh yeah, I'm worried. It's been
the same here, starting with Thursday night's
huge -ass hailstorms and tornadoes and all that
bullshit. And it's just been kind of like a clustered
week ever since. So, yep, I've got to get two.
All I'm going to say is kids are a pain in the
ass. But the older they get, the bigger a pain
in the ass they get. That's all I've got to say.
All right. That's how my week's going, okay?
I can't complain, but anyhow. All righty, everybody,
thank you for listening. Have a good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.