Well, well, well. We see you made it back. That's
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Douchebags and a Microphone, live from the historic
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City Metroplex and the surrounding areas. Let's
grab a seat and see what kind of garbage they
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Not like all those other guys, we can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two Douchebags
and a Microphone. Good evening, friends and neighbors.
I'm going to read to you a list of hypocrites,
self -righteous assholes that want to tell you
what you're doing wrong, but will not address
this for themselves. One newer issue among these
dullards is the stolen land gimmick. They tell
us we need to give up the land back, but when
they were confronted, they offered nothing. Therefore,
hypocrites and liars. Alyssa Milano, hypocrite
and a liar. Mark Ruffalo, hypocrite and a liar.
Jane Fonda. Long -time hypocrite. Liar. Elizabeth
Warren. Long -time idiot. Liar. Hypocrite. Leonardo
DiCaprio. Your name might be on a list somewhere
that just came out. I don't know. Possibly. Maybe
you need to shut your mouth. Yeah, you probably
do. Billie Eilish. Liar. Ben and Jerry. Liars.
We go on for another hour, but you get the point.
I once again present to you the You First Movement.
This is when you mouth off about stolen land
or anything else. You go first. You live on stolen
land. You give your land back. But until this
happens, shut the fuck up. Out. Hey there. We
all have those annoying co -workers that do nothing.
There's nothing we can do about it because HR
departments are running scared of lawyers. So
we have to work with these worthless pieces of
garbage. But we have to communicate about them.
without them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak
about them right in front of them without them
knowing about it. Stay tuned. First code name,
Absolute Zero. They contribute nothing and effectively
stop all molecular motion in the project. Dark
matter. You know they're there. They take up
space, but they provide no light and cannot be
observed doing actual work. Static. High noise.
Zero signal. Stays in one place. Event horizon.
Once a task enters their orbit, it is never seen
again. How about buffer? They take 20 minutes
to process a 5 second request. The screensaver.
Looks like they're working, but as soon as you
touch them, they disappear. Cloud mode. Just
floating around, vague, and nobody knows what
they actually do. And finally, 404. Task not
found. Stay tuned for more of these gems. You
watch the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse
inevitable? We suggest you download all our podcasts
beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers.
We have the post apocalypse. Okay, so you have
your bunker set. And what do you do inside this
bunker to give you? The readiness if an apocalypse
occurs. Here are some products you will probably
use. Zip ties, duct tape, fishing line, a needle
and thread, matches or a lighter, scissors, safety
pins, super glue, bungee cords, parachute cord,
sugar, salt, pepper, garlic, and chicken and
beef bouillon cubes. Krusty's Instant Pancake
Mix, Jiffy Muffin Mix, or Bisquick, or all the
above. Powdered milk, cocoa, instant coffee,
or other dry beverage mixes. Canned meats like
tuna, chicken, salmon, and sardines. Canned and
dry soup like Lipton and Knorr noodle packages.
Nuts, peanut butter, jelly, or honey. Breakfast
bars, cereals, packaged oatmeal, low salt crackers,
Ritz crackers, ram crackers, or animal cookies.
Canned and dry vegetable and fruit, and this
should get you started. Great news, assholes.
You can now email the douches anytime, anywhere.
In the middle of the job interview. No big deal.
Taking a bath? No problems there. Tap dancing.
Easy as pie. Just send it to 2douchesatmail .com.
Do it now, pussies, or I'll smash you in the
junk. This is the two douchebags and a microphone.
Alternative universe version. I am the Mark portion
of this thing. What did I get? He said he gave
you Americano. He's supposed to get Americano.
That looks like it's full of milk. It does. Maybe
yours is the Americano. I'm milking it, too.
I don't know what I got. Okay, hang on. Okay.
All right, now we got the great coffee caper
figured out. Yes, yes. So... Somehow I got the
signature drink of the Lavender Hill Mob, which
is the Lavender Latte. And you know what? I should
have just went ahead and bought one of those,
too, because that did look pretty good. Yeah.
I'm not sure what the lavender part was, but...
Oh, I'm pretty sure they take the leaves. Ah.
and smash them you know in the bottom kind of
like they do a mojito oh yeah yeah they smash
the mint leaves yeah they take lavender and just
smash the hell out of it on the bottom for some
reason this is picking me up way more than you
so i'm going to push this your direction okay
i think that's better now i don't know it sounds
like it yeah the waveform looks a lot more a
lot of people probably say that's better So,
hey, there's all sorts of football stuff to talk
about. Yes, there is. So, you want me to go into
some of it? I've got a lot of it documented.
Jump right in. I will jump in where I can. Okay,
well, the biggest thing is, I mean, we could
go into Kenneth Walker III, but we're going to
go into Travis Kelsey first. Yes. 15 million.
Proven winner. Yes. This is the best thing that
could have happened. Yeah. 15 million, 17 million
with incentives. He did not break the bank. He
did not go to another team like all these idiots
were projecting constantly. There's just wishful
thinking is what it was. I think so, yeah. I'm
getting the condom for the microphone. Yeah,
we're going to need it. All right. I'm going
to pause this for just a second. Do you want
to move over to our spot while it's available?
Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Hit pause. All right.
I think we're back now. Okay. All right. We need
locations. Yes. So I was talking about Travis
Kelsey being signed. Yes. $15 million. Single
year. Yeah, $17 million with incentives. I hope
he hits those because it's probably like 1 ,000
yards or more. Yeah, I would hope so. That would
be great to have him like. have one of the best
seasons of his career in his final year. I'm
predicting he's going to. It could happen because
all you have to do is take some of the heat off
of him with other valuable receivers, and he'll
be open more. Last year, yes, more receivers
and better receivers that can get open. I was
trying to figure out which. I think this is the
one I opened. Okay, this is the one I opened.
Yeah. All right. Yeah, this is open. So that
is fantastic. And to me, that was the cornerstone.
They did all these trades. And signings, but
the cornerstone, they got done. Yeah. And that
is Kelsey. You got Travis Kelsey there. Yeah.
And I mean, and I do think he's going to be productive.
If Mahomes would have stayed in and didn't get
injured, he would have had probably over 1 ,000
yards this season. He was on his way, yeah. Yeah.
And with a little bit of luck and us winning
a couple more games and playing a little bit
better, he probably would have had well over
that. Yeah. But, well, you're the only guy getting
open. Yeah. They changed that. This also gives
the Chiefs another year to find someone else.
Because he's going next year. Because you didn't
know what Gray signed with somebody else? I think
he's already gone, yeah. Not like I thought he
was a replacement though. Yeah. I bet you you're
going to see him. A tight end drafted. That would
make sense to draft one and also pick somebody
up in free agency. This is the time of year where
you start adding depth. So you have a lot of
people to take reps in training camp and preseason
games. Yes. So that was one piece. The next piece
was phenomenal. The Super Bowl MVP, Kenneth Walker
III. That's amazing. Signed for three years,
$45 million with 28 .7 guaranteed. Yeah, I mean,
that's a pretty good signing for anybody. But
I think that the Chiefs, they're making a run
for it. They're going to do it. And some of the
defensive help that they've lost, they already
signed a safety. And that would be Aloha Gilman.
From the Chargers. Yeah, from the Chargers as
a safety. And that's a solid pick right there.
You know we're going to draft a couple. Yeah,
that was a big noisy truck. Yeah, it was. All
right, are we on? Yeah. Oh, okay, sorry. So,
you know, they're going to be beefing up everything
else that they let go. So I'm not really that
worried about it. We were worried about it last
season. The defense was the least of our problems
last season. Yeah, it was ironic. It was a good
move to let McDuffie go because the Rams have
made him the highest paid corner in NFL history.
We couldn't afford him. No. That's all there
is to it. And Casey has a history of not paying
the cornerbacks the big money. Look at all the
people they let go. I mean, look at LeJarrius
Sneed. Yep. He's been injured ever since. Yep.
I think he might have had some legal problems
too, didn't he? Yeah. Yeah. We let your various
words go, and he's been. you know, mentioned
here and there, but not gangbusters. He's been
pedestrian. Yeah. So, all right. Kenneth Walker
III. Phenomenal signing because this stabilizes,
this makes the offensive line quite a bit better.
Yeah. Whenever you have something that has to
keep you honest like that, you can't focus all
your attention to getting Mahomes because there's
this other guy that could just kill you. I mean,
ask the Patriots. As a person watching the Chiefs
games at home, I wasn't worried about the running
game. It's like, nah, the Chiefs ain't going
to do nothing on the running game. It's like,
just keep rushing the quarterback. We'll have
someone else. We'll have a safety or something
tackle him. Don't worry about it. It's fine.
Yeah, and even when the Chiefs would try a draw,
they would give it away so quickly that it never
worked. I know. Well, you know what? In all fairness,
if they're running all correctly, It doesn't
matter. They don't need a draw. Yeah. So they
don't know it very well because they never had
to really option it before. Yeah. So we let...
Of course, we went into the McDuffie trade, I
think. Didn't we last week or did we not? No,
I don't think we did. No, we didn't. Okay. Well,
Trent McDuffie let go and I have the statistics.
You know what? First, I'll go into this. Jalen
Watson, he signed with Rams yesterday. Oh, yeah.
So, you know... The Chiefs are supposedly interested
in Trent Williams, which would be great, offensive
lineman. They're supposedly keeping tabs on him,
and I think they're seeing how much he's going
to cost. Yeah. You know, Poley's going to get
a chance. Of course, Simmons will be back. See
who they pick up this year. See if they pick
up another higher rail. Maybe not their first
one, maybe not number nine. So I guess they decided
Jeremiah Love wasn't going to be the answer.
Yeah, it was going to be too high of a draft
pick for a running back that is unproven. So
some other team is going to draft him high, and
they're going to regret it. So let that team
have the regrets. Kenneth Walker is a better
choice by far. He's fairly young still, too.
He is. He's still got a lot of years left in
him. And I think he's going to work really well
in our system, especially with the enemy. Yeah,
I'd say so. We need the enemy to implement some
of that Chicago defense game. With the defensive
losses, none of them have really seemed to bother
me. Offense, not defense. Chicago offense. I
knew it. Okay, thank you. You know, I heard about
McDougie and Duffy, but it really didn't seem
to bother me because I just figured that they've
got something going. Yeah, they do. I'm not worried
about tight end next season after Kelsey leaves
because if they don't have anyone of Kelsey's
caliber, then they'll just throw the wide receivers
more. Yeah. Or the running back more or something.
The reason they throw to the tight end so much
in KC is because Travis Kelsey is here. He's
open. So when he leaves. We're not going to be
doing that so much. They'll change offense around
to accommodate. Unless they found the next guy
that, you know, he may not be Travis Kelsey or
even that close. Yeah. But whoever they get is
probably going to be serviceable and get open,
just not like Travis Kelsey. I mean, we've been
very fortunate about tight ends in Kansas City.
From Tony Gonzalez to basically Travis Kelsey
just a few years later. Yeah, yeah. Two Hall
of Famers without a doubt, first ballot. Well,
I mean. Gonzalez already is. Yeah. And Kelsey's
first time. They ain't waiting on him. Yeah,
yeah. He's lived his life well enough that there's
no – they don't have to Bill Belichick him. No,
no, that's true. And also, KDG, he retired with
the most yards of any tight end. I think so,
yeah. He even learned how to block later on.
Yeah. But, you know, it would be interesting
to see a Chiefs team where our top three receivers
are all wide receivers. And the tight end is
down there in like the 500 or 600 yards for a
season. It's like no big deal because you've
got 3 ,000 -yard wide receivers. I think next
year you might see that if they don't pick up
on a really good wide receiver. But I also think
it's time to switch it up anyhow. I think this
year everyone thinks they're going to see Mahomes
magic constantly. No. They're going to be run,
run, run, run. I certainly hope so. And then
Mahomes has got to just throw when he needs to,
when it's open. Yep. You're not going to see
him scrambling around everywhere getting hurt
like he did last year. If anything goes wrong.
I would like to see Patrick and Kenneth Walker
get together early and often and build a trust.
I would bet anything. They've already been on
the phone to each other several times. I mean,
it'd be great if they liked each other and hung
out with each other's families, but at the very
least, get that trust, on -the -field trust,
and get it early to where Mahomes trusts Walker
to do his part and Walker trusts Mahomes to do
his part. And I think that's going to come quick
because Walker acted like it was a no -brainer.
Yeah. You know, he just left the Super Bowl champion,
the reigning champion team, and went to a team
that's been a dynasty, and he had no qualms.
He was like, no, this is where I want to be.
This is a winning organization. that I've always
wanted to play with Patrick Mahomes. Nice. So
this is a guy that we needed. And I think that's
why they paid so much for him. And it is encouraging
that even though the Chiefs have had some down
times, we're still seen as the preferred destination
for a lot of players. As long as we got number
15, yeah. Yeah, we can get the good free agents
come here. Oh, and Andy Reid. Yeah. People like
playing for Reid. Yeah, it's like in the 80s
when all the veteran players... When they were
like a year or two away from retirement, they
just flocked to San Francisco. Because, you know,
I want to play with Steve Young. I want to play
for George Seifert or Steve Walsh or whatever
it was. Yeah. Joe Walsh. Steve Walsh. Joe Walsh,
yeah. Bill Walsh. Bill Walsh, yeah. Bill Walsh
and George Seifert. Yeah. George Seifert did
a good job. He won a Super Bowl and he was in
the playoffs multiple times. But Bill Walsh was
the guy. But they all wanted to go there and
play. Yeah, and then it was also Dallas for a
while with Troy Aikman and the guy with the great
hair on the sidelines, the coach. Oh, Jimmy Johnson.
Yeah. So, I mean, that was like the magic destination.
It's nice to see the Chiefs being that magic
destination for a bit. Oh, it is. It is. Yeah.
Excuse me. So, I'm pretty happy with that. So,
I've got something here. Oh, okay. We also signed
a tackle, Kairis Tonga. Oh, yeah. Or is it Kairis?
I think it's Kairis. Kairis Tonga did the Chiefs
for $21 million over three years. He was a safety
for the Chargers. Oh, yeah. And he's solid. So,
I see they at least have a solid backup, if not
the guy, you know. in situations. Now, I've got
a question for you. Gardner Minshew is gone.
He signed with the Cardinals. Okay? People are
freaking out over this quarterback situation.
Well, San Francisco just declined, or no, it
wasn't San Francisco. Who was it? Opted to not
sign Garoppolo. Garoppolo would fit well in our
system. He is a He is a second stringer now.
He's not a starter. He's a backup. And he might
want to win a Super Bowl, another one. I mean,
he did with the Patriots a couple of times, I
think. And I think he'd be cheaper than Kirk
Cousins. Exactly. That's what I'm getting at
right there. I think he's a better option than
Cousins as your insurance. And Andy Reid loves
to have a veteran backing up his starter. Yeah.
And also, he's pretty familiar with the Chiefs,
unfortunately for him. Mm -hmm. So I think it
would fit in the system really well because he
is more of a middle passer pocket guy. I think
that there's a lot of room for that, especially
with a running game. Yeah, that's true. You get
a situation where you can lean on your running
game. a game manager type quarterback in there
for like a quarter. So if Mahomes needs a rest
or he's got a tweaked knee or something, it's
like, yeah, let's hold him out for the third
quarter. Yeah. It would work. It would work just
fine. Oh, yeah, I agree. So a little bit of other
news here. Okay, first off, the Chiefs, the McDuffie
trade, I said I was going to go into that real
quick. We traded McDuffie to the Rams for the
number 28 pick overall. Number one pick, 28.
Yeah. And a fifth and sixth this year, and a
third next year. That was a really good deal.
Yeah. That was a really good deal. Yes. Considering
that we were going to have to release McDuffie
because he was going to be too expensive. I was
surprised that it went so well, but I think they
wanted to make sure they got him. Yeah, because
he'd have to go through waivers, and there's
a lot of other teams that could have claimed
him. And some of those teams have a lot of cap
money, as opposed to the Bills, who are like
$12 million over. They're hurting bad. I don't
know about the Bills. Their run may be close
to over. We'll see. Yeah, yeah. Well, I remember
we kind of predicted they were going to have
an off year this coming year. New coach, new
everything, new stadium. It's just too much all
at once. Well, Seth, what a joke they've become.
Yeah. I mean, really. They couldn't even get
a head coach to apply at the end there. So they
had to go with an offensive coordinator who's
got to feel like shit because he was not their
choice at all. Yeah. They didn't even look at
him and tell him. Yeah. I imagine word got around
pretty quick. Don't bother calling. I don't want
the job. Yeah. Yep. I mean, if Mike McDaniels
opts out, then you've got a problem. Yeah. Mike
McDaniels is scheduled to have an interview and
probably get the job. Yeah. Yeah, stay in the
division and be a head coach. He'd rather go
across the country to a different – Thank you.
It was pretty telling with Buffalo. They just
did it so poorly. They just did it in the worst
possible way. They could have gotten away with
firing Sean McDermott if they'd done it in a
different way. But, man, they just – They bungled
that so bad. Yeah, yeah. Okay, before I go into
any of this, how about we go into the Ravens.
Yeah. And they got the angry ginger, Max Rosby.
Yes. So, okay, that doesn't affect us that much
until maybe playoffs come. Yeah. Playoffs. Playoffs.
But, okay. But he won't be hammering our players
twice each season. He said he's going to be hammering
Joe Burrow twice this season. He's going to be
hammering Joe Burrow just like Miles Garrett.
Yeah. Just like TJ Watt. Yeah. Imagine those
three hammering you two times a year each one
of them. So that's six games you're going to
get fucking flattened. And the guy is already
injury prone. Supposedly he's just running pretty
bad. Yeah, T .J. White. Yeah. I don't blame them.
They don't spend money over there. They don't
spend money. Look at what the Chiefs did. They
made some changes. They made some moves. They
did some unexpected things. You really get a
sense that they're trying and trying hard. And
they're trying new things. The problem with the
way I sit with the Bengals, the problem with
them is they can't deviate from their original
plan very well, or the Chiefs did. The Chiefs
were like, the plan it was, it isn't now. We're
scrapping everything, and we're going to keep
certain core players, but that's it. Anything
else, everything else, all bets are off. The
Bengals refused to do that. And that is an actual
recognized... quirk of some people's minds is
once they've decided on something they just really
are incapable of ever changing their mind yes
and it's not that they're being stubborn or being
a jerk it's just they can't yeah you see the
guy shouldn't be a general manager if he's like
that yeah but you know the best ones are versatile
the best ones see 10 avenues of winning not one
Exactly. Gosh, this debate has been going on
for a long time. Back in the 70s, I remember
them talking about, do you draft players who
fit your system? Or do you draft the best player?
Or draft the best player and change your system
to take advantage of what your players can do?
I still say every situation is different, and
there's no right or wrong. Yeah. The wrong comes
when you draft a player and you try to force
him into your system and he doesn't fit. And
he doesn't fit. That's been well documented.
Then they'll go somewhere. Sam Darnold. Yeah.
Sam Darnold's a great example. The Jets, he was
a boo. Couldn't do anything. Yeah. Put him in
Seattle where he's controlled. Everything is
scripted pretty much. Yeah. I mean, they pretty
much script games over there is what it is. And
I don't mean that like they're faking it. I don't
mean like they're throwing them. What I mean
is they're like, we're going to do this, and
then they're going to come back with this, then
we're going to do that. Yeah, it's like a chess
match where you plan and plot out your moves
and your counterattacks. Yeah, and everyone else
is playing checkers this year. Yeah. So that
was good. So that's going to be interesting to
watch because Joe Burrow is probably going to
be in traction. Again. Yeah, which is a shame.
Yeah. It'd be fun to wind back the clock and
put Joe Burrow on a different Bengals team that
actually would spend money on the offensive line.
I would love to see Burrow with either Reed or
Belichick. Yeah, Belichick would do it. Yeah.
Definitely. Because Belichick's smart enough
to keep the pressure off of him and come up with
something that's going to keep him. and not getting
murdered. Yeah. So I just don't think that Taylor,
Zach Taylor, is capable of doing that. I'm sure
he gets a lot of pushback from management, from
ownership, saying don't spend the money, don't
do this. We've already spent money here, so use
this, that kind of thing. You know, he could
be an overachiever. And then, you know, they
got a good team but not a team to do as well
as they did in the past. Yeah. But he coached
them up. to where they did. I don't know. I mean,
they did make the Super Bowl, although they lost
badly, but they did make the Super Bowl. Yeah.
Okay, so the Lions traded running back David
Montgomery to the Texans for offensive lineman
Juice Krugs and a fourth and seventh round pick.
I think they got the Texans good on this one.
Yeah. David Montgomery is good, but I don't think
he's that good to give up that much. Yeah, a
lineman and two picks. I mean, the seventh rounder
you can let go, but the fourth round, that's
still a pretty valuable pick. It really is. You
can get a good running back in the fourth round.
Yeah. And you don't have to give up anything
else. Exactly. It just doesn't seem, unless they
were just overloaded at running back and they
had to cut somebody or trade somebody because
it was going to screw them salary -wise, that
would be the only reason I could see the Lions
doing that. Same here. Yeah. I agree. And the
Texans, yeah, they paid too much. Mm -hmm. So
this goes to Nick Chubb being a free agent. I
was going to ask this, but now it's like them.
He would be an experiment because the last three
seasons he accumulated in three seasons just
over 1 ,000 yards, which is pathetic. It's about
300 yards a season broke down, 350 yards a season,
330 yards, 335 yards, something like that a season,
which is not good at all. Yeah. And 340 yards
receiving in the last three seasons, which is
about the same. Yeah. So, I think now that you
have your guy, Walker III, scratch that out.
I was just going to pose that. I was not in favor
of that. That was just like a, what if? What
do you think? Yeah. So, I think that's just pretty
much non -existent now. Forget it. Kyler Murray
was released. Yeah. With Andy Reid and their
guys there, do you think he'd be a suitable backup?
He has shown flashes of playing really well.
I think he could be a backup. I don't know that
he would accept being a backup. I kind of get
the impression Kyler wants to go start somewhere
or at least reasonably compete for a starting
job. I don't think he would look at KC. No, he
would not be reasonably competing for that. All
right. Yeah, I think he could fit if he was in
the mindset to be a backup. Yeah, you know what?
Yeah, if he was in that mindset. But I'm with
you. I think that he's... thinks that he can
still do it in the right system, and maybe he
can. I don't know. He's got a lot of the tools.
To me, Arizona's been so sporadic that it wasn't
a good place for anybody to be. I think even
Mahomes would have had horrible years there.
Yeah, Arizona's kind of like Cincinnati in that
they don't want to spend money and they just
want to go along. It's like they figured out
a formula where they get a decent profit every
year, and it's like, let's not fuck with this.
Let's just do this. It doesn't win you championships.
But, you know, as long as people are showing
up and buying tickets, I guess you don't have
to change. No, you don't. Yeah. Okay, I've got
one more thing, and then we can go into your
stuff. We can go ahead and just, if you want
to go football still, that's fine. If you don't,
that's fine. But I was pondering this the other
morning. Read an article about the Chiefs maybe
wanting to sign Kirk Cousins, right? Yeah. For
a backup while Mahomes heals. Yeah. Okay, the
difference from Andy Reid regime and Marty, Gunther,
Romeo, and all the rest. Reed is going to get
Cousins as a backup. Everyone else would have
got him as the answer. Yeah, yeah. That speaks
volumes about where the Chiefs are now. I remember
all the coaches in between, and they find some
mediocre quarterback who was on the latter stage
of his career and tell us, yeah, this guy's the
answer. Everyone knew that they were past their
prime and were on the downward slope. Marty's
rolling over in his grave right now going, no
shit. And so you're left with thinking either
the Chiefs organization is really stupid and
thinks this guy is the answer, or the Chiefs
organization thinks we're stupid and they're
trying to spin it. As he's the answer and thinks
we're going to buy it. I mean, we were the trash
can for San Francisco. I mean, Montana did well.
I mean, but he was just on his last leg. He was
already beat up. His arm wasn't nearly as strong.
He was in the latter of his career. He was pretty
fragile for some previous concussions, too. Yes,
he was. And that's why he stepped down. He didn't
opt for his third year. It's because of that.
And I don't blame him. He wanted to be able to
walk and think, which he still is doing pretty
well. So he did the right job. You know, it's
odd that we got a player with Montana in that
trade, but nobody remembers who he was because
he never did nothing in KC. Oh, yeah, yeah, and
everybody was bragging about him. I think it
was a defensive back. It was, and everybody was
bragging, going, oh, my God, this is the greatest.
Yeah, don't even remember his name. No, so then
we get Bono and Gerbach. They were retreads.
But Alex Smith panned out very well. He was the
only one, but he did go straight into Andy Reid's,
you know. Which did not hurt him. Do you think
Andy could have done anything with Tyler Thigpen?
No. No. No. No. How about Matt Castle? I think
he could have done something with Matt Castle.
I think he could have done something with Matt
Castle. He could have groomed him into being
a good backup. A game manager type backup. I
think so. How about Trent Green? Trent Green
could have done something pretty amazing under
Andy. Because if we remember... Dick Vermeule
when he had his greatest show on turf with St.
Louis Rams. And Kurt Warner, Trent Green was
supposed to start that season, but flew out his
knee at the last second. So they thought, well,
let's just let Kurt Warner run it and hope for
the best. And then he kicked ass, and they're
like, all right, well, we're going to trade Green.
Yeah, but Dick Vermeule thought Trent Green was
perfectly capable of running that offense. Hey,
look at his stats in Kansas City. Yeah, he did
well. He was more than an average quarterback.
He was upper echelon. He was top seven, maybe
five even. Plus, it was really cool to see a
guy wearing a red jersey that said green on it.
Yes. And also a really good guy. I know a lot
of people that knew him personally and met him
and just said he was just tops. Great person.
But I think with Trent Green, I think that Andy
Reid would have got a Spagnuolo type of guy for
the defense. Yeah. Because that was her problem.
Through the Bonnie holidays and the idiots like
that that we had. Yeah. Ryan Sims. Sims, yeah.
Ryan Jozwiak. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So Vermeer, he
kind of did what people said he was, where offense,
offense, offense. How are you going to stop him?
Oh, we won't need you. Yeah, we'll just ask Bob.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He treated it kind of like
arena football, didn't he? Yeah, yeah. Didn't
he have a playoff game where nobody on the opposite
team had to kick? Yeah. Yeah. Was that Indy maybe?
It was Indy. Yeah. Indy never punted the whole
game. Never punted the whole game. And I don't
think there were any turnovers either, which
means they scored on every freaking possession
they had. Yeah. Yes. So I think with Andy Reid
you would have had a, okay, I don't know this
defensive stuff too well, so let me look around
and see who I can get. He might have hired Bill
Belichick. Yeah. Who knows? So, all right, let's
go to you, and then I have bullet points whenever
you're ready. All right, I have two things on
football. One is, of all the Chiefs quarterbacks
that they've ever had, the one you'd most like
to hang out and party with? For a while, mine
was Len Dawson, but I think I'm changing it to
Steve DeBerg. He just looked like he'd be so
much fun to hang out with. Okay, yeah, yeah.
I would say Lynn Dawson and Steve DeBird also,
and let's see. I mean, I'm not interested in
Montana so much. Who was the Notorious Bachelor?
Blackledge? Blackledge, maybe. Yeah. Blackledge
is smart. I mean, he'd have all sorts of stuff
to tell you. Yeah, he was very smart, and he's
great on air. He is. You wouldn't want to hang
out now he's a running back, Larry Johnson. You
wouldn't want to hang out with him back then.
You'd end up in jail. I like to hang out with
Jan Gailey just to fuck with him. Oh, yeah. I
would say stupid little shit to just blow his
mind. Or you could go way back in your way back
machine to Len Dawson's backup, Tom Flores. Oh,
yeah. Who wound up taking the Raiders to the
Super Bowl. Yeah. I think he coached in Seattle,
too. Yeah, he did, yeah. Jan Stennerud, just
because he had a cool name. Yeah. Oh, okay, he
wasn't a quarterback, but Fred Arvanis. Yeah.
Yeah, that dude was fun. Yeah. Or Grunny. Yeah.
Franco told me that Grunny comes in there all
the time. We talk to him. He said he's a cool
guy. I doubt they'll do all the podcasts, but
we might say hi to them. You might hear them
go, hey. All right. Well, my other thing was
I wanted to do a special edition ass paddling.
Oh, yes. For the Miami Dolphins organization
for the way they chewed up Tua and threw him
away. Because they dumped him. They just utterly
dumped him on the market. After all the torture
they put him through. pushing it back out on
the field when he should not have been out there,
fusing up his body and his mind, and now, eh,
now we'll just dump him on the open market. Yeah,
I agree. Tua, I think, had all the tools. If
he was nurtured right, he wouldn't have been
a Mahomes, he wouldn't have been a Burrow, but
he would have been behind there a little bit.
And the reason I say that is because the football
instincts aren't quite there like they were with
Mahomes and Burrow and Allen. I think he'd be
just a step below Josh Allen. Yeah, I'm just
going to say, you know, Josh Allen without the
rushing ability necessarily. Yeah, yeah. At least
Josh Allen is like plow ahead like a bulldozer.
Tua would be more scamper. Yeah, and also he
doesn't need to do that ever again. Yeah. Yeah,
Tua deserved better. Yes, he did. Than what he
got out of the Miami Dolphins organization. He
deserved a lot better. I'm glad you caught that.
I didn't even think about that. But, yeah, they
ruined him, and I feel sorry for him because
he's a good guy. I hope he got a crap ton of
money from them. I hope his contracts were incredibly
juicy because he deserves every penny. You want
to hear the horrible thing about it is? Okay,
him and Hurts played a split season in Alabama,
right? Uh -huh. Okay. He was a better quarterback.
Tua was a better quarterback. He was. And Jalen
Hurts has won a Super Bowl and been there twice.
Jalen Hurst really benefits from the system he's
in. Yes. And I think in Miami they were counting
on Tua to be in the system. Yeah, they're just
like, just go out there and throw. Mike McDaniels,
as good as he is on offense, he was not a head
coach per se. Yeah. He's better off being a coordinator
just like his dad. Yeah. Josh. Josh McDaniels,
yeah. And, sadly enough, there was a brief time
where Miami Dolphins had an amazing defense.
I think they were called the Killer Bees. But
I remember a lot of stretches where Miami was
all offense, no defense. I do, too. Yeah. I mean,
with Marina. Yeah. That's why they never won
a Super Bowl is because they're – No defense
whatsoever. Yeah, it's kind of like with Dan
Reeves over there with Denver. Yeah. You know,
it didn't matter how many that – Elway would
score. The other team would always score at least
one more. And it's not like Miami had all crap
players. It's just they didn't use them well.
The schemes were wrong. The ideas were wrong.
The consistency wasn't there. So it takes a lot
to get a good defense going. Once you've got
that good defense going, man, you better protect
it. Yeah, I agree. Anyway, that was my thing
about Tua. I'm glad you did that. Thank you.
All right. Well, I have some bullet points if
you want to go into it. I love the bullet points.
They're not necessarily football either. That's
okay. It's an alternate reality podcast. Yes.
Okay. If Kansas City is famous for barbecue,
what would be second on the food list that they're
famous for? Oh, good question. I'm tempted to
say steaks. That's what I was going to say. Because
we were such a destination for the cattle drives
and the stockyards, etc. And we also have some
famed steak houses. The Majestic, Justin Jim's,
the Golden Hawks. Hereford House. Hereford House.
The one where the guy peed on the food is this.
No, that's no longer there. They closed that
one. I think there's only one left or two. I
think there is this one, which is good because
I still have gift cards. Oh, good. You better
go then. Yeah. But I would say steak. Yeah, I
guess that's the only thing I can think of. Yeah,
I would agree. All right, yeah. Who's a bigger
piece of crap, Bill or Hillary? Oh, wow. I know.
That's difficult to say. It is. I know the one
who is more filled with rage and anger and hatred
is Hillary. Yeah. She looks like she wants to
murder everybody she sees. I think she has, hasn't
she? Allegedly. Allegedly. We're talking about
Hilary Duff now. Yes. And Bill Cosby. Yes. No,
I think Hilary's more dangerous. I think so too.
Yeah. Bill is more easily controlled. Okay, bigger
piece of crap. I think it's about, it depends
on what you're talking about, you know. If you're
talking about sexual, probably this. If you're
talking about someone that'll get someone testified
against and allegedly murdered, you're talking
about Hillary. Allegedly. All right. If you could
only own one album ever, what would that be?
I'm going to go with Billion Dollar Babies by
Alice Cooper. Okay. 1973. I'm going to go Kiss
Alive 2. Oh, good choice. I should have gone
with a double album, but I don't think Alice
has ever put one out. That album put such an
imprint on my life. Yeah, we talked about Ace's
solo album. Yeah. That set the bar for every
solo after that in the 80s and even nowadays.
Yeah. Ace's solo, but everything was just so
superior on that album. All the songs that they
had that were real good were amped up a hundred
times. I remember some people, when that album
came out, were thinking, well, this is ridiculous.
They've already done the double live album. But
this one just, it was a worthy sequel, worthy
successor. The live albums put them on the map,
both of them. Kiss Alive brought them out from
pretty much obscurity. But then Alive 2 just
took them way over the top. Now, both Gene and
Ace... would not come out and directly say it,
but both dropped many hints that the Kiss Alive
album was recorded in a studio and the crowd
effects were added. In fact, Ace says that's
why his guitar is backwards on the front. Well,
you can see the face of his guitar. He's playing
the back of it because that was his nod to, you
were faking it. This is a fake live album. No
one cares. No, no, no. It's a great album. No
one cares. You listen to that album and you get
amped up. It doesn't matter. You know it's fake.
Yeah. But it's like that thing is like, it makes
you want to punch your mom. It's so good. But
there's tons of fake live songs. They just did
a fake live album. There's nothing different
and there's no harm, no foul. Actually, they're
innovative. Yeah. I mean, it's not like it was
a fraud or anything. It's not. It's just, it's
a gimmick. It was fun. Yeah. And nobody should
hold it against them, in my opinion. No, I think
that they were some of the two greatest albums
created. Yeah. Because not only the imagery and
the sound that they did, but the lengths they
went to to make you think that was live. Yeah.
They did not settle until you were so amped up.
I mean, that thing, I can listen to that album
right now. Yeah, you're like, yeah, you know.
They knew what they were doing, and they did
it very well. I forgot who produced it, but whoever
produced it did a masterful job. But you have,
like, on the other end of the spectrum, the Elton
John song, Benny and the Jets. Yeah. It's a fake
live song, but it sounds fake. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. No, I know that, yeah. You can tell
it's fake because the audience applause swells
up in an even swell and then down in an even
swell. I would swear the Wilhelm scream is in
there somewhere. It probably is. It's in everything.
Throw the Wilhelm scream in there. It's public
domain. What the hell? Why not? Whoever gets
it, gets it. All right. What would you do if
the ceramic garden owner started talking to you?
Oh. I think I'd run the other way. I would have
to go rob places. Oh, that's a good idea. I would
give him a little pistol. A little croquet mallet,
maybe? Yes, yeah, yeah. Tell them to go into
stores and demand all their money. I can see
that right now. What should I do? Give them the
fucking money, man. It's a garden though. He's
so short you wouldn't see him on the security
camera. Who's robbing you? We can't see anything.
Yeah, it's like, we're pretty sure this is bullshit,
but they're both freaked out. We don't have any
way of disproving it. You see a little tiny shadow
moving around the floor. I think you can see
him right there. You see that little funny hat?
That little dwarf hat right there? Yeah, yeah,
that's him. And it's okay to make short jokes
about gnomes because they're not real creatures.
That's right. That's right. Other than that,
we'd be horrible people. Yeah. Yeah, and we'd
probably need very bad punishment for that. Yeah,
just like you can call every elf a sheep fucker
because there are no elves. Well, that's right.
Yeah, because if you call anyone anything that
can hurt their feelings at all, that is the worst
thing you can do ever. Yeah, people are actually
going to jail for that in the United Kingdom,
but that's their problem. Oh, they're idiots.
Yeah, that's all their problem. Yep. I just want
to be equal opportunity. Fuck everybody. Everybody
sucks. You all fucking stink, and you're all
morons. It's like the drill sergeant. Yeah, me
too. It's like the drill sergeant in the full
metal jacket said, to me, you are all equally
worthless. Yes. That's the best statement right
there. Yes. Oh, he played such a good band. Yeah.
I watched a reaction video of some. people in
their 20s watching that uh that scene with with
arlie ermy yeah talking to him for the first
time they'd ever seen it man they were shocked
when they started he started smacking pile around
they're like oh can they actually hit you is
that allowed Guess so? Yeah, I imagine so. Oh,
I think worse than that happened. Yeah, I'm pretty
sure. Oh, I heard they had sock parties if someone
was big enough asshole and that's where you stick
cans of coke in a sock and you beat them with
it. Yep. That would hurt in case anyone doesn't
realize. That would hurt like hell. Yeah, I think
in the movie they use bars and soap. Yeah, yeah.
Which, bad enough. Bad enough, yeah. But then,
I mean, if you're dirty, you can pull the soap
out and wash yourself. Yeah. If you've got a
little blood on you or something, you go, hey,
I know you just beat my ass, but could I have
one of those Irish brains, please? You know,
I've got quite a bit of blood considerably on
my scalp and on my ears. I really need to get
that off. I've got to punch him a little bit
later. All right. This one is interesting because
I'm not sure there's so many of them. What would
be the best invention ever? Oh, wow. Pocket pussy.
No, I could think. Let's see. I've heard some
people say that soap was the greatest invention
because it allowed sanitation to cut down on
diseases. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've heard people say
electricity because it... Without electricity,
you wouldn't have hot water, you wouldn't have
anything. Yeah, it took an enormous amount of
labor off of humans and animals when electricity
came along. You see, it had to be electricity
because a light bulb could not run without electricity.
Yeah. So, maybe electricity, maybe fire. fire
it might be fire because if you get down to the
very first of it yeah it's fire of course then
you could always say written language because
that way dead people can tell you things yeah
yeah this is true without written language you
don't know what dead people said you just know
what people said they said yeah like a lot of
them ended like oh hey there's someone at the
door hold my mead yeah hold my mead there's someone
at the door i don't understand it it ends right
there Wow, it's tough to pick just one, you know?
It is. I'm going to go ahead and go with fire
slash electricity and time. Yeah, yeah. Pocket
pussy is probably fourth. Yeah. Smartphones is
just not even on the list. No, no, they should
be dumb phones. Smartphones is on the list of
things we never should have gone near. Exactly.
Even though that's what most people listen to
us on. But we don't care. All right. If you won
a three, seven -day vacation anywhere in the
world, where would you go? Wow. Well, up until
about ten years ago, I would have said I want
to go to France and visit all the World War I
battlefields. But right now, I don't want to
go anywhere near France. No, no. Seven days.
I think I would go to Alaska. That's a wise choice.
I think I would get along with the attitude in
Alaska. Okay. I'm going to just say probably
Aruba. Aruba. And the reason is because I don't
want to go to the other side of the world with
everything going on right now. Yeah. I mean,
because we plan in Europe, but man, that keeps
getting put off. We don't know when we're going
to do that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, New Zealand.
My mom went to New Zealand once. I would love
New Zealand. Costa Rica is another one. But New
Zealand is so far away. Yes. And you are so dependent
on a lot of other countries allowing you to travel
back and forth that it's just a risk. Yeah, I
don't think I'd want anything to do with that
right now. All right. Do you own a snow globe?
I do not. Good. Neither do I. Wow. I used to
when I was a kid. Well, I should have added that
to the you might be a pussy hit. Yeah. Actually,
I'm going to write that down. You've got a pencil.
I do. Because that's going on the next one. All
right. All right. See, this content just creates
itself. It does. We just kind of sit here and
it just happens. Or in the case of the other
show, the emails create themselves. Oh, yeah.
It's a big man. Yeah. You know, since the emails
are being such a good source. We ought to start
asking people to email us about stuff. Anything
we're not sure of, it's like, I can't remember,
it's like, eh, somebody email us and tell us
what we were trying to think of. You know what?
We have so many active participants, that would
work. I think so. I mean, it's almost like another
form of people calling in. Yeah, yeah. Really
good. I mean, we have some really good people
that are constant emailers. I'm talking about
like the Ronnie from Tulsa, the Rossington from
Dallas. Johnny and LP started chiming in again.
Mitch, of course. Even though, fuck him. Yeah,
we have some really good emailers. There's other
ones, I can't name them all, but you guys know
who you are, and thank you. But right now, I
would like to say, if anybody in the Miami area
is listening, email us and tell us what you think
about how Tua was treated by the Dolphins. I
would love to hear a Dolphin fan's... a viewpoint
on on how to was treated there okay i would too
yeah yeah that's great all right thank you all
right if a good friend had a horrible case of
male camel toe would you alert him i would i
would i would definitely yeah you don't you don't
let that go on i would say look the farm animals
kind of scrunched up today maybe you need to
like smooth them out a little bit Maybe shake
the drawers a little bit, get him out of there.
He's kind of like in a pocket, twisted. Yeah,
you might want to take those golf balls out of
your pocket there, dude. Yes, quit smuggling
those. I think it's the right thing to do if
you care about someone. I think it is the right
thing to do, yeah. But the only thing is you
tell him in front of everybody, all your buddies.
You don't tell him alone. And you point. Yes.
And then if someone's looking at it funny, you
point it out. You go, see, look right there.
That looks like an elephant ear. That looks like
a smashed basketball. And that, I'm not sure
what the fuck it looks like, but it looks like
something. And then after everyone gets done
laughing and everything, and he gets mad at you,
you go, I could have not told you. This is true.
Yeah. It's kind of along the lines of the guy's
fly is open. Yeah, you let him go for a while,
and then you tell him in front of everybody,
too. Unless it's someone you really dislike.
And then you just point your finger and call
them a pedo. That'll do it. All right, next one.
Nike, Adidas, Skechers, or other? I have been
buying Skechers recently because they're inexpensive
and handy. That's what I'm on to. Well, I like
Skechers. They have the new... Slip -ons? Yeah.
Oh, they're fantastic. I'm wearing some right
now. I am too. But I would say other because
my favorite thing to wear is cowboy boots. Oh,
okay. And I've got a pair of Ariat cowboy boots
that are wonderfully comfortable. Do you have
spurs on them? No. Damn it. I used to have a
pair of Fry boots that my sister got at a garage
sale. The ones with the super pointy toe, you
can crush a cockroach in the corner with those
boots. Oh, yeah. I wore out like three pairs
of heels on those fry boots before they just
had to go. The cockroach's laughing at you. Tell
me who's those. I did have one pair of boots
that was kind of blunt -toed and kind of a half
boot, and those were great for the motorcycle.
You could slip them on, go ride, take them right
back off. But I can even drum in cowboy boots.
It's no problem. So I hardly ever wear them,
but I love wearing cowboy boots. Yeah, I do too.
Actually, not cowboy boots. I like wearing boots,
but not cowboy boots. And the reason is I have
a wide foot. Oh. Okay. All right, and finally,
what if someone left a suitcase on your porch
and Ring didn't pick up the person, what would
you do? Ooh, I can't think I'd call the bomb
squad. I think I would, too. I'd be tempted to
go to the bomb squad. I would, too. Yeah. Come
out here and have some bomb -sniffing rat come
smell my package. Oh, that didn't sound right.
Smell the package on my porch. There we go. That
sounds better. It's all in the wording, isn't
it? Had to log you up on that one, didn't you?
Yeah. All right. we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy excuse me my
dear sir could you please put my plain bread
in a small countertop appliance with heating
elements that would spring loaded and would brown
my bread adequately well first off i'm not a
waiter i'm just a guy over there sitting at the
table having a drink second off are you talking
about someone toasting your bread well yes Yes,
I am. I'm talking about my bread being toasted.
Then why don't you just ask for your bread to
be toasted, you dumb bastard? What the hell's
wrong with you? Hey, if you're a fan of paying
way too much for trinkets and food, well, your
wish is coming true. Kansas City International
Airport Guest Pass program is starting today.
Yes, you too could overspend on workless trinkets
and $15 cups of coffee. Want to buy a $50 cheap
t -shirt that has KC Western Auto Building image
on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue sauce
gift pack? No problem. Just a mere 40 bucks on
your first morning. Hurry. You know rubes are
jumping all over to get to this complete ripoff.
Because people are sheen. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. If your car could travel at the speed
of light, would your headlights work? Hey there,
slap nuts. It's time for the Creeps Music News.
Hey, my little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny
Rohypnol with your music news. John Karabi, former
lead singer of Motley Crue and The Scream, has
a new album coming out on April 24th called New
Day. You can pre -order the album online. The
effort features guitars, like Richard Fortis
from Guns N' Roses, Paul Taylor from winger Steve
Perry on keyboards, Marty Freckerson, producer
of multi -instrumentalists, and Charlie Starr
from Blackberry Smoke on guitar solos, alongside
Evan Freckerson on drums and bass. This should
be a pretty good album. Sure has a lot of talent
to go with it. This is Johnny Rohypnol. That
was your music news, and remember, bar chords
are bullshit. Next up, things overheard in hell.
Gary Glitter has been named the lead singer in
the boys' choir of hell. This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on The Hustle. So I
just realized a genius that gets absolutely no
credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited
with the first bag of salad mix that was bagged
and sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe
he is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
lettuce for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor. You should
have a national holiday. All right. We decided
to take pause in this so you can hear all the
beautiful little skits. We're hoping that the
Nigel, the Rice Krispie. What would he be? The
problem child? The fourth brother. The fourth
brother that was outcasted from the family. Yeah,
kind of like the Marx Brothers. The only three
of them really made it. Yeah, yeah. Well, this
guy Nigel, he's had a lot of problems. But you'll
hear about it. Hopefully he will be in that in
-between here. We'll see. It is kind of a sad
story. It is. But anyhow, welcome back. Welcome
to your guest. Two douchebags microphone. Alternate
universe. Yes. All right. I have an interesting
report here about Girl Scout cookies. Okay. And
no, I'm not talking about the weed variety. This
is the actual cookies you buy from the Girl Scouts.
Okay. There's a 2025 class action lawsuit alleges
that popular Girl Scout cookie varieties contain
high levels of heavy metals, including lead,
arsenic, cadmium, and mercury, along with the
pesticide glyphosate, which is Roundup. Oh, my
God. based on a December 2024 study of 25 cookie
types. The lawsuit claims these substances exceed
safe recommended levels. Conversely, the Girl
Scouts of the USA maintain their products are
safe, adhere to FDA and EPA food standards, and
that any trace amounts of these substances can
occur naturally in soil. Which is true. But the
key details regarding the allegations and responses
include alleged contaminants. The lawsuit claims
tests found... aluminum, arsenic, cadmium, lead,
and mercury. Basically, anything above iron is
a heavy metal because our bodies are designed
to handle iron. Anything above iron is a heavy
metal. I can see that. Okay. Along with glyphosate.
A commissioned investigation has found that all
100 % tested Girl Scout cookie samples contained
glyphosate and at least one heavy metal. Every
single test. glyphosate, and at least one heavy
metal. Okay, that is too much. That is too much,
yeah. With some exceeding EPA water safety limits,
researchers led by Stephanie Seneff, Ph .D.,
a senior research scientist at the Massachusetts
Institute of Technology, MIT. Okay. They tested
25 cookie samples from three different states
for contamination. The findings from the study,
published on gmoscience .org, so you can go look
at that, gmoscience .org. revealed that 100 of
samples tested positive for glyphosate an herbicide
commonly used as a drying agent in crop production
so they're not even using it as a pesticide even
though it is they're using it to dry like the
wheat or whatever other crop they're using as
ingredients for the girl scout so for the girl
scout organization they're not putting the poison
in they're buying these cookies from a couple
of different manufacturers and they're the ones
buying contaminated foods wow um that's even
worse because yeah yeah so the thin mints showed
the highest glyphosate levels at 111 parts per
billion while the peanut butter patties contain
13 .5 parts per billion according to the report
these levels are 334 times higher than the safe
limit. Ooh. 334 times the safe limit. You're
getting fucked up when you eat Girl Scout. Yeah.
Oh, my God. No wonder I felt like shit. I thought
it was just because of all the sugar. Yeah, you
know how you go on a rampage? Yeah. Yeah, it's
like, I don't want any. Yeah, and it's like,
ah, well, you know what? It's already ruined
now. Here, give me a rest. Now, the heavy metal
contamination was also widespread with 88 % of
the samples, which is 22 out of the 25, testing
positive for all five toxic heavy metals. Oh,
my God. All five. Which was aluminum, arsenic,
cadmium, lead, and mercury. That's insane. 76
% of samples exceeded the Environmental Protection
Agency's water limits for cadmium at five parts
per billion, and 96 % of the samples. contained
detectable lead levels. Turn them in. Yep. Okay.
So, 96%, that would be all but one sample, contained
lead. Quote, health implications of toxic substances
in Girl Scout cookies extend beyond the immediate
impact on our girls and affect the public at
large, the research wrote. Identifying and eliminating
the source of these toxic metals is imperative
to safeguarding public health. The study examined
cookies from California, Iowa, and Louisiana,
analyzing products from both major Girl Scout
cookie manufacturers, ABC Bakers and Little Brownie
Bakers. So ABC and Little Brownie are the ones
buying contaminated ingredients and making cookies
out of them. Whether they know they're buying
contaminated ingredients, I don't know. Peanut
butter patties show the highest contamination
levels for heavy metals, with lead concentrations
reaching 42 parts per billion, and get this,
aluminum levels, 27 ,500 parts per billion. Wow.
27 ,500. Jeez. That's just fucking stupid. It's
like they must be dumping aluminum directly into
the cookie batter. It's crazy. Researchers noted
that the Girl Scouts USA organization, which
sells approximately 200 million boxes of cookies
annually and collects about 800 million in revenue
from sales, was contacted before the study's
publication but did not respond. The study authors
proposed transitioning to organic and regenerative
farming practices as the solution, basically
saying that in order to produce Girl Scout cookies,
They have about $16 million in purchasing power,
so they can dictate to the suppliers, we want
clean stuff, we want it tested, we want it double
tested, or you don't get our business. They could
do that. They could use their purchasing power.
So far, they have chosen not to. Now, if you
want to look up anything more on this, this research
was conducted in collaboration between GMO Science,
Moms Across America, and other consumer groups
with funding acknowledgement to the Westrike
Foundation. Wow. Well, good thing I don't eat
them hardly ever. Oh, yeah. Jeez. Girl Scout
cookies. It's another example of hiding under
such a benevolent and happy and fun image. Nobody
would suspect Girl Scout cookies being full of
poison. So that's the perfect dumping ground
for it. Another thing is this. People can't turn
down a little girl selling Girl Scout. It's impossible.
They go, sir, would you like to buy some? And
you're like, of course I would. And you're like,
okay, I'm going to hold firm and only buy a couple.
And they look at you with those little eyes.
It's like, okay, give me 10. And you're right.
They use that. They know that people are going
to buy in from their grandkids like we do or
whoever. And because of that, it is possible.
that the business idea is let's buy the cheapest,
most contaminated, quality control failing shit
we can because people are going to buy them anyway
and it won't make a difference. Yes. That could
be happening. You know what? Yeah, all this is
allegedly, but I can see exactly what you think.
Yeah. If you know they can't resist a little
girl, you'd fill the boxes full of dirt. Yeah,
you're right. Yeah. I got some things to whisper
in a stranger's ear. Oh, this is good. Remember
those? I like these. This is just like we're
just walking down the road and there's something
to whisper in their ear. Keep them on their feet.
Keep them apart. Okay. Number one, walk up to
someone and go, I wouldn't stand there if I were
you. And then just walk off. Yeah. You talk about
someone looking around going, what, hey, what,
who, what, what, here, where? Would it be better
to look straight up or look around at the rooftops?
I think I'd look at the rooftops. I don't know
why, but I just think I'd look. Sniper action.
Yeah, sniper action. Next one, number two would
be blink twice if you're him. I like that one.
Oh, my God, did I blink twice? Maybe I'm him.
Maybe he thinks I'm him. Yeah, I would. Oh, shoot.
I forgot. No wonder my foot hurts. Oh, yeah.
You forgot your chair. I forgot my chair. Hang
on a second. I'm constantly squirming. Okay.
That's better now, isn't it? Yeah, much better.
All right. Are we still on? We're still on. Okay,
good. Good. All right. Number three. You smell
different than all the other specimens. That
was a good choice of words, too. Specimen. Specimen.
That sells it. Specimen, who, me? Wow. That was
pretty good, too. I like that. Number four. In
your photo, you look calm. Okay. Wow. What photo?
Where? That would be a freaky thing right there.
That would be, yeah. Number five. Oh, good. You're
the one that can see me. That's a good one. Oh,
gosh. Number six. Which one is he? Oh, that's
a good one. People go, what, am I going to get
someone killed? oh my gosh that was kind of that
oh well number seven i found it and that's just
not so much a creeper that's people go what um
another one is uh okay these are the ones that
i got off the internet that aren't so good but
i just grounded it out so i'm not real proud
of these the first ones i like much better but
number eight why did you come over here That
one's like that. People seem to like that one.
Number nine. When does your shift begin? That's
a good one. It needs to have some sense of mistaken
identity in it. Yes. Like the tenth one. The
final one. You didn't lock your door. You have
to say that creepy. Yeah, you have to say that
creepy. You can't just go, oh, you didn't lock
your door. You go, you didn't lock your door.
Something I've heard of is you walk up and you
say, I took care of it, but I'm not cleaning
up the blood. Or the one that I love so much
is, it's done, but there's blood everywhere.
Yes. Okay, I've got some... Do you have something
else you want to go into? Or you could walk up
and look at them and say, yeah, they said you'd
be dressed like this. That one's good. That could
be a good thing or a bad thing or a threatening
thing. Yeah, that's one of the ones that are
very unprovable. It's like, well, what did he
say to you? Oh, that's it? And if you're pressed,
just say, well, it's the voices in my head. Yeah,
they'll leave you alone. All right, thank you,
bye. Yeah. All right, how long have we got on
this one? We have an hour and three minutes.
Okay, we're going to keep going then? Yeah. All
right, there is this deal, and this spawned from
Valentine's Day. I didn't get to this earlier.
I apologize, but... Okay, donations from $15
to $50, shelter's name, feral cats after formal
flames, and then they spay or neuter them as
a symbolic, like that person should never breathe.
Yeah. Okay, and that's from donations $15 to
$50, and these are... animal shelters in Florida
that are doing this right now, but I believe
there's other states that are doing it right
now too. I think that's great. The concept of
spread to shelters in Iowa, Canada, and Ireland,
blending petty pleasure with actual good deeds.
And that seems to be a thing. They're starting
to do stuff like that where you give a donation
and they do something cool, but something that
you want to get a point across too. So down in
Texas, the Gulf Coast Humane Society offers a
different approach to dumping on one's former
flame. Oh, yeah. Even though I can't speak. For
$10, donors can have their ex's name written
on a paper and placed in a litter box. Well,
where it can't, we'll promptly probably take
a dump and pee all over it. That's pretty cool.
Yeah, and it also does a great deal, too. It's
a donation to a shelter. Yeah. And I'm sure it
brings in a lot of revenue. Yeah. And also, they
probably let you record it on the phone or something.
You can send it to them or whatever. Send a picture
of it. Yeah. Send it to whoever, Mr. or Mrs.
X, somewhere in the world. Oh, I didn't see this.
And you even get a photo with the Derby D. Oh,
excellent. Yeah. Now, I can see a good spin -off
of this is like an organization that you write
in and make like a $75 donation, and they will
go spay or neuter the celebrity of your choice.
That would be pretty close to all of them, but
yes. Yeah, pretty much all of them. I think I'd
probably bankrupt myself paying for things like
that. There's a bunch of people I would pay to
have that done. Yeah, me too. If Ozzy Osbourne
came back to life today and looked at his daughter
Kelly, do you think he would tell her to eat
a cheeseburger? Yes. Eat a fucking cheeseburger.
It's sad that... I'm not making fun of you. No,
no. I think it's pretty... It's plain that Kelly
Osbourne is suffering an enormous amount of grief
and she's harming herself as part of that grief
process. But the fact that no one's stepping
in and instead taking pictures and glorifying
it is kind of sickening. No, there is backlash
on the internet. I hope so. There's a lot of
backlash. People are saying that she looks very
sickly and they think there's something wrong
with her. Yeah. People blame that and her mom's
sudden weight loss on Osempion. Supposedly they're
on Ozempic. That sounds like a cover story to
me. Yeah. Because Ozempic doesn't make you look
that skeletal. And it also doesn't explain the
height difference. Exactly. Because there's a
picture of Kelly and Sharon standing next to
each other. And then there's another one and
they're a lot closer to the same height. And
they seem to be wearing the same shoes. Did somebody
shrink or did somebody grow taller? I wondered
that too. That's noticeable. Another thing is
her brother Jack has a lot of health issues.
He has MS and has heart problems. Her mom had
cancer twice and some other ailments, and her
dad had Parkinson's and all kinds of stuff. So
very well could be some health conditions, and
maybe they don't want to talk about it. I don't
know. And, you know, I'm okay if they don't want
to talk about it, but don't tell me a lie. Just
tell me you're not going to tell me anything.
Don't come out and tell me a lie. The other thing
that's really suspicious about the weight loss
is she just had a baby. Traditionally, she should
have had a little bit more weight left on her.
Yeah, it usually takes a little longer to take
that off. I like her. I hope she's okay. I never
really enjoyed the character she played on TV.
She made a point of being the obnoxious bratty
sister. and being a pain in the ass a lot. And
that was the role she was playing on the TV show,
and I never really cared for that. But I have
no idea what she's like in real life. I think
that she's a pretty decent person. I think a
lot of that was because that's what they directed
them to do. Yeah, I'm sure. I could be wrong,
though. I don't know her for real. But I always
kind of thought of her as... A decent person
that puts on a persona. Yeah. And the way that
Jack and Ozzy were both looking at her like,
you know, eh, no big deal. This has just been
a funny. It made me think that they were in on
the joke and that Kelly was just playing the
part. That's the way I took it. Yeah. I could
be totally wrong, but that's the way I took it.
So, I don't know. You know. Um, okay. I got some
short stories if you want to go into it. Okay.
15 -year -olds aren't known for their excellent
judgment, but this kid's antics were on another
level. On November 24th in Jerusalem, firefighters
were called to a 36 -story skyscraper with a
crane on top and a 15 -year -old boy on top of
the crane. Talk about a daredevil. Yeah. The
teenager was trapped on a small platform above
the building. The kid told rescue teams he had
sealed the crane around midnight to see the view.
Oh, not sealed. Okay, my printer again. Scaled.
Yeah, I'm like going sealed. That doesn't make
sense. Scaled the crane about midnight to see
the view. The Associated Press reported fire
official E .I. Cohen. Israel name, so anyhow,
something like that. They've responded to a number
of cases of young people scaling large buildings.
This is a serious incident that could have ended
badly. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Cohen said, and I agree.
But, you know, when we're young, we do stupid
shit like that. Oh, yeah. And especially stuff
that you think you can pull off. Yes. Like, you're
like, okay, go ahead and line up three more bikes,
and I'm going to jump on them. Famous last words.
Yeah. Yeah. Hey, watch this. Yeah. Yeah. You
know, we're notorious for misjudging, miscalculating
stuff like that. Yeah. At a certain age, you
know you can get hurt. You just don't think it's
going to happen. Yeah. You see your friends getting
hurt. You know kids can get hurt. You just think,
yeah, it's not going to happen to me. At that
age, traditionally, mortality is not an issue.
Yeah. You don't even begin to think about that
because it's so far off and the days are going
slow. Not like nowadays where you blink your
eye and it's like, shit. It's like, where did
yesterday go? You're already a quarter past this
year. That's weird. It is. In northern China,
this is a different story. In northern China,
an unidentified 23 -year -old man... was the
victor in a lying flat contest, so he's planking.
Oh, okay. The South China Morning Post reported,
the contest at a shopping mall on November 15th
started out with about 240 people lying flat
on mattresses. These people have a lot of time.
Yeah, I guess. They must be paid protesters.
Oh, they have nothing else to do in the meantime.
There you go. Must not have been any protests
going on. So 186 of them had to quit within 24
hours. After 33 hours and 9 minutes, just three
contestants were left. And organizers upped the
competition by asking them to raise their arms
and legs. They're going to get this thing over
with quick. Yeah. So the guy said that, one,
he said, my girlfriend sent me a link to the
competition and suggested I have to have a go.
The winner said. His prize was about $420. He
said he was going to treat many friends to a
hot pot dinner. Oh, wait a minute. He got ripped
off. Yeah. You could have made a lot more. Damn,
there must not be much else to do. I guess not.
You spend a day and a half doing bad and you
get $400 out of it. Yeah. Authorities in Flagler
County, Florida are trying to solve the mystery
behind some suspicious incidents. No. Click Orlando
reported between November 12th and 17th, in seven
separate circumstances, a masked man was captured
on surveillance video leaving a piece of wood
and a dollar bill on front porches of homes.
Interesting. Yeah. One family received two different
deliveries, so the second one had writing on
the wood. The Midnight Stalker is coming for
Palm Coast, is what it read. Okay. I'm not sure
what Palm Coast is. I don't know either. The
person was caught, and he faces charges of trespassing,
loitering, and prowling, and littering. But they
couldn't get him on anything else because that
wasn't exactly a threat. And they still don't
know what it's about because the guy didn't really
tip his hand on what he meant. I'm not even sure
if he knew. He might not. Interesting. Prowling
is a crime that you can be charged with. I didn't
know that. I didn't either. But that's good to
know. I mean, you know, they have all these little
auxiliary crimes to get stuff like that. Yeah.
You know, where you don't really have a category.
It's like, well, hang on, hang on, let's look
around. Oh! We've got to charge them with something.
Yeah. That's just like there's the malingering
one. They can get you for just malingering and
not leaving, just hanging out. Yeah. You got
something? I thought I'd go into the story about
45 RPM technology. Oh, good. They don't make
the 45 RPM singles anymore, as far as I know,
but that used to be a big part of daily life
and weekly life. They never brought those back,
did they? No, they really didn't. They brought
everything else back, but not those, not the
45s. It turns out there's a lot that's different
about them as opposed to other formats. Could
that be why they don't bring them back, maybe?
Seems like it. Okay. It was introduced by RCA
Victor, who created it in 1949. And it features
a 7 -inch vinyl record designed for high -fidelity
audio featuring a 1 .5 -inch large center hole
and a raised center hub so you can stack discs
without scratching. These records, often called
singles, spin faster for better sound quality
with a 1 .5 to 1 ratio of outer to inner groove
velocity. Now, that makes a difference. Like,
you know, when you're in the outer groove, you're
going faster. Because when revolution, you've
got to make it around the whole 7 -inch. When
you're in the inner grooves, you're not going
around as fast because it has a shorter distance
to go. The whole disc is still moving at 45 RPM,
but the velocity of the needle in the groove
goes down. With 33 and a third RPM, it goes down
by a much larger percentage. So they have to
take that into account when they're mixing the
audio. creating the playback. It started out,
all 45s started out as mono, but by 1971, almost
all were stereo. I remember getting a box full
of 45s and album size from KY -102 to use in
the college radio station. And a lot of those
45s were stereo on one side and mono on the other
side, just in case you still needed a mono signal.
And then the others were, like, there was one
Rolling Stones song where on the A side they
edited out the word damn, and on the B side they
left in the word damn. So it gave me the option.
That's cool. Now, some of the key components
of the technology is the audio quality. It is
a higher speed, but this allows for more audio
information to be stored in the groove, resulting
in better treble and a tighter bass compared
to a 33 and a third. Because you think about
writing on a page, and you have to cram like
five sentences into one line, it's going to be
hard to read. But if you can write those five
sentences on six lines, you have a lot more space,
it's easier to read. It's kind of the same way
it works on the albums. They compared it to the
higher sample rates in digital audio. They usually
used vinylite, but sometimes they used cheaper
and less rigid polystyrene. for the material.
The large center hole, the one and a half inch
center hole, was designed for quick and easy
putting it on the turntable for like radio stations.
It was like this big giant hole, it's easy to
hit, it's a little tiny hole on 33s. But then
you had to have the little adapters to put in,
usually called a spider. One of the biggest differences
was in the playback equipment. And on the playback
equipment, the .45s were designed to be played
with a lightweight stylus and frequently a ceramic
cartridge. Now that didn't always happen, so
you didn't always get the right sound out of
it that you're expecting. The initial designs
were to replace .78s. The .45s became the standard
for singles in the 50s and 60s. The needle velocity
is a lot more consistent. There we go. Okay.
And most 45s were mixed to be much louder than
albums were. So that's why you put the single
on, it was like totally in your face because
it was supposed to be. Oh, okay. That makes sense.
Now, oddly enough, 45 RPMs were designed to be
played on a dedicated turntable. Okay. Because
you put it on a regular turntable that's 12 inches
across. then by the time you reach into the beginning
of the album, that tonearm is already pivoting
quite a bit. And it tracks you differently. And
the song will sound different. But if you have
a turntable that's only big enough for a single,
the tonearm tracks differently, it'll sound a
lot better. But most radio stations didn't even
bother, so we never heard it. They were also
designed to be played strictly with ceramic cartridges
to properly equalize the sound. And since they
were mostly used with magnetic cartridges, the
audio quality wasn't nearly what it should have
been. And it sounded off from the way they intended.
That's why you get the album and it's like, oh,
this sounds different from the 45. Because it's
being played on the proper equipment. And let's
see. The first ever 45 single released was Texarkana
Baby by Eddie Arnold. Oh, wow. That started it
all. Wow. In 1949. In 49. Okay, I was wondering
when it came out. But I think in order to revive
that technology now, you really would need a
dedicated turntable. Yeah. specifically with
a ceramic cartridge, which isn't easy to find.
That's why they never did do those. I mean, they
do albums now, but those are relatively easy.
You just put them on a player. Yeah, it really
seems like the whole technology was designed
to be quick and easy and cheap, so it would appeal
to radio stations and dance clubs and things
like that. So the music was mixed to be specifically
played on that equipment that was quick and easy
and cheap. Now you play it on high -end, high
-fidelity equipment, it's just going to sound
wrong. Yeah, I get it. Interesting. I wish I
still had my 45s. I think I have a few. Oh, I
love those. But there's a bunch of them that
I just trashed because I didn't like them anymore.
I just threw them away. I did that too. I know
what you mean. Yeah. Well, it would be nice to
look through them now, wouldn't it? Yeah. And
when we do the music creeps, I've got a list
of 45 singles where the B -side was more popular
than the A -side. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. You've got to wait around to the second
podcast to hear that one. I've got some cool
stuff for the next one, but I've got one right
here that's interesting. Sure. If you're done.
Yep. All right. Gregory Saxton, 35, of New Virginia,
Iowa, interviewed for a deputy position with
the Warren County Sheriff's Department, which
included a pre -employment polygraph screening.
KCRG -TV reported on February 23rd. During the
screening, Saxton admitted that he had viewed
child pornography. Wow. Yes, on the dark web.
On February 19th, investigators executed a search
warrant for Saxton's phone, and he was arrested
at his home in charge of 13 counts of possessing
child pornography. Wow. You could say he's honest,
and that's about it. I'm glad he ran it himself
out, but man, wouldn't it have been better just
to lie about it, and then they can't... They
wouldn't have anything they could do? I don't
know what he was thinking. Was he thinking if
I tell on myself, if they ever find out it's
no big deal? Maybe he thought if I admitted it,
that it won't be a big deal. Yeah. Yeah. I looked
at it, but it wasn't for me. Yeah. I mean, if
you're talking about drinking too much or maybe
swiping a stapler from work, there are a lot
of employers that will overlook that. Yeah. But
this type of crime, no. No, that's not something
you overlook, not even once. No. You ever do
that, and you're on the list forever, and that's
just the way it is. Yeah, kind of not a very
smart thing. See, when I was 12, I put my little
brother in the crock pot, and we ate him for
dinner. But I only did it that one time. Yeah,
I learned my lesson. I never did it again, and
I'm very sorry about it, too. Well, as I said,
I'm glad you ratted himself out. I am, too. I
got a couple more small stories and then we can
end this. How long have we got? Hour and 22.
Okay. Routers reported February 24th that during
the first half of a football match in Turkey,
a ball kicked high into the air, struck a seagull
that happened to be flying by. Oh, wow. It knocked
it to the ground. The Istanbul team, Captain
John at Catan, rushed to the fallen bird to begin
CPR on its little chest. Oh. Which worked. Oh,
cool. The goal began to move, and Catan took
it to the medical staff on the sideline for further
care. While his team lost the match, Catan said
no regrets. I hope it saved a life is a good
thing, he said. This was more important than
the championship. Yeah. Wow. You don't hear that
often. No, no. Conversely, if you Google or do
a YouTube search, there is video of a Major League
Baseball game where Seagulls were flying in as
the game was progressing towards night. and there
was a pitch, and the batter hit the ball, and
it went about 20 feet and destroyed the bird.
Oh, I saw, yeah. It just explodes into feathers.
Randy Johnson. I think that was it, yeah. So,
bam. Randy Johnson threw 102, 103. Yeah. It exploded
the per thing. Per guy was just in the wrong
place at the wrong time. Yep. Got him. Yeah.
All right, you all go ahead and go into the music,
creeps. Let's do it. Okay, everybody, thank you
for listening. We really appreciate it. You guys
are spreading the word. I mean, we can't thank
you enough. I mean, it's just amazing the stuff
that you're doing and all the listenership and
all the great comments we get, even the shitty
ones. We love them all. You can email them. We
appreciate it. Thank you very much, like I said,
and go fuck yourself.