Well, well, well. We see you made it back. That's
right. It's time for your favorite podcast, Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, live from the historic
river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
but only on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays.
Otherwise, you get live from the Duck Wine Studio
in Wheatland, Missouri, and the Talk is Cheap
studio from Extreme Southern Tent for the Kansas
City Metroplex and the surrounding areas. Let's
grab a seat and see what kind of garbage they
throw at us today. Enjoy. Welcome again. We're
happy you chose us. Come on in. Wash yourself
off. Would you enjoy a bourbon and coke? There's
a liquor store down the road. If you go, I need
rolling papers. Well, since you're here, let's
get this daily douchebag pledge out of the way.
All right, bitches, swing your hips and pelvic
thrust. Shout it out with me. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to download every podcast.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to make all
friends, family members and workmates download
this show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to
grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show. and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
we must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone? We appreciate you taking the
time to listen and share your opinion. Our podcast
isn't meant to appeal to everyone, and that's
okay. We focus on honest conversation, humor,
and perspective, even when it's rough around
the edges. Constructive criticism is always welcome,
but dismissing something just because it isn't
your style doesn't really reflect its value to
the people. who do enjoy it. We're proud of what
we're building, and we'll keep refining it as
we go. Once again, it's time for Ramblings of
a Madman. I believe Congress needs to synchronize
tap dance for 20 minutes before each session.
That needs to happen. Your mama's so ugly, your
dad takes her to work every day so he doesn't
have to kiss her goodbye. Two douchebags, a microphone,
and an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. Damn it. I can't decide
between nachos, chili, or wings for the game
tonight. This is bullshit. I should not have
to make decisions like this. Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. An 80 -year -old Bulgarian
man has the record for the longest nose hair
ever at three feet. And now, Deep Thoughts with
Mark. Hmm, let's see. If I identify as a dog...
and I start wandering around the block without
a collar on, could animal control come by and
pick me up? I may never know. Two douchebags
and microphone. I am Mark, here in the Kansas
City vicinity at the extreme southern tip of...
at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob in
Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track, and also
home of the Hickam Oak Country Store, where you
can find all your needs, including a selfie with
the green Sinclair dinosaur with a huge penis
in the Doug Boyd studio. Dude, I've really got...
I am Tober, and I'm coming to you live from the
Paisley Possum Studios just south of historic
Waldo, Missouri, where the coffee is hot and
available 24 hours a day. The space heater is
on, and the laundry is almost done. Just one
more load to go in the dryer. Oh, shit, yeah.
Congratulations. You're doing better. Well, I
work today, so I kind of, well, I got some done
around the house, too, afterwards, so I can't
complain too much. Okay, first I'd like to start
off, I'm sorry. The last episode, I gave the
wind an ass -paddling. Well, I guess Mother Nature
took offense to that, too. I've got to shut my
mouth about this stuff. I gave the wind an ass
-paddling, so this time it was only one tornado,
but still. Retaliation from the mother. I hereby
swear I will never mention anything weather -related
again. Lesson learned. Sorry, Mother Nature.
I hope we can be friends again. Can we be friends
again, Mother Nature? I hope so. Because I heard
you and your lovely bride had to take to the
basement because that tornado was pretty fucking
close to you guys. Yeah, we headed downstairs
and took a little dog with us. I think we're
down there for about 30, 45 minutes at the most,
and it's all done. Okay, well, I'm sorry I caused
that. I will never mouth off about Mother Nature
again. Evidently, she is still... Yes, yes, go
ahead, Rob. Go ahead, chastise me. We've had
this talk before. I know we have. This time,
I mean it, Rob, okay? I'm different. I've changed.
got to apologize to. Topher, I'm sorry. It won't
happen again. No, it worked out okay. I'm glad
it did. The tornado, although small in stature,
was on the ground for eight miles from Shawnee
to Westport, which is kind of remarkable for
a spin -up. Yeah, I remember they said in the
coverage they said they were expecting it to
kind of hop around, touch down here and there,
but we got our money's worth, didn't we? Yeah,
we did. Yeah, that little spin -up was a little
bastard, wasn't it? It was like, no, no, no,
no, no, guys, leave me alone. I know what I'm
doing. I know I'm not a big tornado, but hey,
just let me do my thing, all right? It was one
of those little tornadoes that was born on the
wrong side of the cloud. Yeah. It had like a
small inferiority complex. Yeah. So, yeah, it
was diminutive, and it was like, I'm going to
tear up a bunch of shit like you big tornadoes.
You guys watch this. And it didn't even tip over
a car. All the big ones were like, okay, little
guy. All right, thanks a lot. Get on out of here.
Here comes Mr. EF5. Gave him a participation
trophy and sent him home. Yeah, gave him a little
pat on the ass, said good boy. You knocked some
power out in a couple of branches. We're proud
of you. Keep going, little guy. Keep going, little
fella. That's right. There was some power outages.
I was glad our power stayed. Yeah, I was too.
It was going to be awfully dark if the lights
went out. Yeah, it would have. Down there, oh,
that sucks. In two hours away, all we got was
some rain and lightning. Consider yourself fortunate,
because a lot of places did not get that. Well,
the new show with all three of us, I'm going
to start calling it the Douchebag Gangbang. What
do you think? That works. Yeah. I like it. I
do, too. It's nice and rude and raw, and it's
something people expect from us. So, I think.
So, this means I've got to go back to the drawing
board and come up with another intro. But that's
all right. It'll be worth it. Yeah. So far, I've
heard nothing but good about the show, guys.
I've heard... Good, good. I mean, I can't say
them all because, I mean, it would be boring,
okay? I mean, that's why I'm not getting on there
going... And Phil says, we kick ass. And Jimmy
says, you guys are doing really good. Keep it
up. I mean... You know, that doesn't make any
type of, you know, so. Yeah, I'm good with the
summary. That's fine with me. Yeah, thank you.
So everybody that wrote in, thank you. We're
going to keep doing this, and we're getting better
at it. We're still figuring out the format and
the structure, but I think we're pretty close.
What do you think, guys? Yeah, I think we're
done. Yeah, I do, too. I really do. Yeah, I'm
really. Man, when I listen back to this, I'm
like, geez. There's stuff that we all say in
little quips that are funnier than hell that
we don't catch while we're doing it. Yep. I guarantee
you we don't ever finish all my script. No, we
don't do mine either. That's for sure. We go
everywhere with the three of us. Oh, my God.
Rob gets those stories that all of a sudden just
brings all this conversation out. It's funny.
Like the booty booty. Maybe I'll have one of
them tonight. Like the booty bandit. Yeah, I
may or may not have one tonight. Oh, did you
pick up on the one in Springfield, the fruity
pebble, the fruity pebble bandit? Yes, that's
one of mine tonight. Oh, good, good, good, good,
good, good. All right, that one is fucking awesome.
I can't wait for you to tell that. All right,
so recently Etsy, you know Etsy, the online sellers?
Yeah. They banned certain services on their platform.
Occultists have been selling evil spells that
are cast to the buyer's exes. That's wrong. I
know. The people affected had numerous complaints
such as being harassed for a lengthy period of
time. And it didn't say if it was like the occultists
harassing them or what. But numerous ones said
they've been harassed for a period of time afterwards.
And then... They said that they had a bad luck,
a lot of bad luck after a spell was cast on them,
and overall not being subject to an occultist.
So I think I agree with that. You don't want
an occultist to know your name and all, you know?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So in February, Etsy
has banned all spells being sold on their website.
The occultists, however, did not have all their
services banned, such as love potions, luck.
and fortune spells, and of course good health
potions, as well as clairvoyant services, they
were also spared. So if you want to be wealthy,
healthy, to be loved, plus talk to your pearl
grandpappy from beyond, you're still good. Etsy
is your full service stop for all of that. So
there you go. I imagine all sorts of algorithms
would be looking at Etsy for those people. the
evil spells, and finding all sorts of words and
phrases that were calling the attention of the
Department of Homeland Security. Oh, shit. They
were probably having to deal with the government
on a daily basis. Like, all right, yesterday
on your side, we saw the words Trump and beheading
and nuclear bomb all in the same paragraph, and
what the hell's going on? They're like, okay,
go ahead and get on there. What was it, NSA?
Hey, get the NSA so they can start spying on
these guys. Yeah. Yeah, they probably already
did, though, so yeah. Remember, wasn't it the
NSA that was spying on people and they caught
them? I'm thinking... Yeah, yeah, that was...
Okay. Yeah, it was the NSA. Okay. All right,
a man from California... And that's actually
the FBI's job, isn't it? That's what I thought.
That's what the FBI is supposed to do. Yeah,
that's what everybody thought. Everybody had
a problem. The FBI's pretty good at it, unless
it's, you know, something like, you know, eating
cannibalistic satanic rituals or something like
that. Then they're not really that good. They're
not really good at, you know, they might catch
them, but, you know, it's catch and release,
right? Yes, yes. Oh, they promised not to do
it again. Okay, all right, that's fine. All right,
let them go. Let them go. The bad guy's dead.
Probably living in Austria with Hitler. Nah,
Hitler would be, what, 200? Okay, maybe not Hitler.
But anyhow. Yeah, he'd be pretty ancient by now.
Yeah, he would. But then again, he probably sacrifices
animals and children to stay alive. So he might
be. Who knows? I remember Dave Mustaine saying
that in the depths of his heroin addiction, he
would have sold his dog to get another high.
Yes, that was disturbing too. That was disturbing
when he said that. And he said that for a fact
because you know that he had, he just opened
up a bunch of animal shelters in California.
Yeah. Yeah, he turned his life around and mega
props to that guy. I mean, he was into all kinds
of stuff, heroin, devil worshiping, all kinds
of really dark stuff. And he pulled himself out.
And he is actually doing good on this world now.
So, you know, Dave Mustaine, you're doing a great
job. Keep it up. And besides that, I always...
Oh, go ahead, what? I was going to say, it's
so good that he was able to turn this around
before the end of his performing career. Yes,
because he still has clout. He still has power.
So, yeah. Yeah, I agree with that. And, yeah,
I've always liked Megadeth better than Metallica
anyhow, so thank you, Dave. All right. A man
from California was stopped on I -80 by Nebraska
Highway Patrol. He was allegedly carrying over
200 pounds of cocaine. This is a... Yeah, that's
quite a... Yeah, that guy wasn't fucking around,
was he? You know, they're holding the cocaine
over there, and they're like, okay, all right,
there you go. Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
No, I still have some room in there. Over there?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, bring some more. Here, come
on. Oh, no, no. Here, under the hood. Okay, the
hubcaps. Does the catalytic converter get hot?
Yeah. Okay, then don't put it there. I can see.
So, he was allegedly carrying over 200 pounds
of cocaine. Like I said, this is the second bust
in a month in Nebraska with a person from California
hauling the contraband. I -80 has been a huge
corridor for transporting illegal drugs eastward.
The odd thing about this bust was that the loot
was wrapped in, the Coke was wrapped in paper
with a children's cartoon emblem on it. The powder
was wrapped in code name kids next door. The
man's vehicle was searching. Yeah, evidently
it aired on the Cartoon Network in the early
2000s. Yeah. Either way, it's disturbing. Yeah,
yeah. And then finally here, Billy Corgan has
recently insisted that he believes rock music
was taken down by corporate forces. He states
that one reason was solo artists are easier to
work with monetarily, musically, and the songs
tend to be shorter and easier to fit in a Hot
100 format. I see him saying that. I've been
watching a lot of his reels lately. Oh, I love
him. He is really, really spot on. What do you
think, Topher? Yeah, I can't disagree with anything
he said. It makes so much sense how just overnight
they decided to remove rock and roll and go all
in on rap and hip hop. And there was just no
turning back ever. And anybody else who tried
to show music videos, MTV just bought them up.
No one was allowed to show rock and roll videos
on TV anymore. Yeah, you're right. That's a great
point. And Billy Corgan would know. I also, I
believe this is true. I think I heard it on one
of the shows that I used to listen to. I'm not
sure which one it was. But they were saying like
how other forms of music besides rock get more
shares. So if one person's listening, they give
them two people. As opposed to a rock format
or a talk format or something like that. They'd
be like, oh, you guys are old news. We don't
worry about you guys. So essentially it makes
the rock format look horrible and it makes any
other format look great. So you think we're all
a bunch of loners that listen all by ourselves
with nobody around while everyone else listens
in a group. Yes. Yeah, so I think that's true.
I tried looking it up, but the Nielsen rating
stuff, the way they do it now and all that, is
just so convoluted I have no fucking idea. But
I remember believing it because I think the show,
I can't remember what show it was, so I'm not
going to say, but it was one that I trusted pretty
well that said that. I'm like, you know what,
I believe that. Anyhow, a new guy, I know I've
threatened him on us a few times, and he walked
out, and I've fired him three or four times.
But at the end of this segment, before we go
into our bits and everything that we do a couple
of times a show, before we go into them, he is
going to explain everything that Billy Corgan
said is going on. So with that, I turn it over
to Rob Rad. Oh, the Pebbles, the Fruity Pebbles
Bandit? Yeah, yeah, the Fruity Pebbles, yes.
I'm going to go ahead and throw it up front,
and I'll get the other stuff later. Okay. A Missouri
woman was arrested after she allegedly broke
into a home and started eating Fruity Pebbles
in the kitchen. Sierra Joanne Smith was arrested
on March 3rd in Springfield, Missouri. The woman
called police after her son walked into their
kitchen, saw Smith, and said there was a strange
lady in the kitchen eating cereal. The son came
downstairs after smelling something, burning,
and saw Smith petting one of the family's dogs
while the oven was on, her statement. Yeah, she
ate three pillows and petting a damn family dog.
The woman called police and she then entered
the... kitchen and your friends. Okay. You got
to see the picture of that lady. You got to see
the picture. Look it up online. Oh, my God. It
tells the whole story. If you just look at the
picture, it tells the whole story. Not guilty.
I brought up the picture. She looks like Mila
Kunis. Yes, she does. Yeah, she does. Only with
googly eyes. Yeah. I think that's probably from
the controlled substance, I would bet. But she
does look considerably like Mila Kunis. I would
say so, yes. Oh, man. Stories like that never
get old, do they? Yeah, I read that one the other
day. I already had that one for you, Mark. Oh,
no, I know you did. That's why I didn't touch
it. I was like, Rob's on that. I know that. Rob's
got the 417 cover. Fuck KY3. Fuck KY3. Rob has
free film. Awesome. Thank you, Rob. Is that it
of the story? Yeah, that's it. All right. Let's
pass the baton to Juan Topher over there just
south of the historic Waldo area. Right. I have
a story. It's about chemical weapons being dumped
by the USA and other countries. Between World
War I, which ended about 1917, and 1970, So that
would be, what, 59 years? The U .S. dumped an
estimated 17 ,000 to over 64 million pounds of
chemical weapons, including mustard gas, nerve
agents, and blister agents, into the oceans globally,
particularly along the Atlantic and Pacific coasts.
These operations, including Operation Chase,
which stands for Cut Holes and Sink Em, involved
sinking ships, filled with munitions. The deteriorating
weapons still pose risks to fishing and the environment.
The major dumping occurred after World War I,
with significantly higher volumes after World
War II, continuing until 1970. The materials
dumped were mustard gas, blister agents, nerve
gas, including BX and GB, and lewisite. Munitions
disposed of include artillery shells, rockets,
mines and aircraft bombs. Disposal locations,
primarily the U .S. Atlantic coast, off the coast
of Pearl Harbor, approximately 16 ,000 bombs
dumped there, and near foreign locations like
Japan, Australia, and Italy. The two common methods
are thousands of tons were disposed of by loading
them onto old ships and sinking the ships, and
then they had open pit and burial. So they just
find a piece of land somewhere, burn as much
as they can, let everything escape into the air,
and then cover it up with dirt. Oh, wow. Currently,
the weapons are deteriorating, leading to incidents
where fishermen or dredgers unintentionally recover
them, causing injuries. There was a fishing boat
recently where several members of the crew got
severe chemical burns from dragging them into
these barrels. Oh, wow. Damn. Let's see. Following
the two world wars, at least four major powers
disposed of massive quantities of captured, damaged,
and obsolete chemical warfare materials by dumping
them into the ocean. The chemicals were usually
stored in large metal containers or encased in
concrete. Shells and bombs were sometimes just
dumped overboard, but were more often loaded
as cargo onto ships, and then the ships were
sunk by opening their sea tops. or by artillery
fire or torpedoes. Because these sunken ships
tended to settle on the seabed largely intact,
the chemical weapons material they contained
remained within a small area. The unfettered
material that they just dumped overboard may
be widely dispersed by current, tides, and other
forces. In the records of some of these operations
included listings of where the dumpings occurred
and the types and quantities of dumped material,
the U .S. State Department And the Department
of Defense reports the U .S. military alone dumped
chemical weapon agents and munitions and notions
throughout the world on at least 74 occasions
between 1918 and 1970. Other dumping was done
haphazardly with no or minimal preserved records.
The USSR, and now Russia in particular, has provided
few records to the international community of
its sizable chemical dumping activities. Russia
has admitted that at least 160 ,000 tons of chemical
weapons may be settled on the seabed of Russian
seas, posing a grave threat to the ecology and
the health of man. Similarly, 302 ,000 tons of
chemical weapon munitions were left over in Germany
and the United Kingdom after World War II, most
of which were eventually dumped into the ocean.
So that was the combined British and German.
but because as far as records, the total amount
dumped will never be known, and the number of
locations will never be known, but it's now estimated
that between Germany and the United Kingdom,
they dumped at least 1 .6 million tons. Jeez.
I would not doubt that a bit. Oh, my God. I bet
these oceans are full of stuff. Yeah, unfortunately,
they are. Oh, man. Look at the things they do
when we're not watching. That is fucking sickening.
It's sickening. No wonder there's red tide and
all this other stuff going on. No wonder. Yep,
and they're going to have some mutant critters
washing up. Yeah, they love it whenever we call
it natural. They're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's natural. It happens every 3 ,000 years.
Yeah, yeah, right. No. Well, thank you. Is that
it, Topher? That was the end of the story, yes.
All right, thank you, and that is disturbing,
to say the least. Should we go into a bigger
threat? Sure. All right, I will start it off.
We'll do a roundtable, right? Me, Rob, Topher,
me, Rob, Topher, until we're out? Yep. Sounds
good. I got four. Okay, I have one, two, three,
four, five, six. That's all right. When you run
out, if Topher has a few more, we'll just go
back and forth. I have six as well. Oh, good,
good. All right. I tried, but I had a busy day
once again. That's all right, Rob. That's what
you get for being married. Yep, yep. All right,
bigger threat. Motley Crue coming out with a
new record, no football for five months, or Roger
Waters getting your phone number and constantly
calling you to inform you of his alleged intelligence.
I'm going to go with Roger Waters. Wow. Got to
be Roger Waters. Yeah. Even though I'd like to
do Motley Crue, Roger Waters, yeah, that big
mouth fucking dope. So right now, I guess Roger
Waters would be the third most overrated musician
behind Bruce Springsteen and Bono. Oh, you know
how we... Actually, I put him above Bono right
now. Yeah, Bono's been a miserable piece of crap.
Springsteen's going to take number one, but we
have a new number two. Yeah. All right, Rob?
Ellen DeGeneres, by far. Yeah, I think she'd
be, yeah, you can turn your back on those crazy
eyes. Oh, no, no, no. You'd come back vegan.
At least the other two you'd be dead. You'd come
back vegan. No, can't do that. Wow. Oh, oh, oh,
God. Can you imagine just going to her house
and seeing that, looking at you? Oh. Oh, man.
You know, something I've seen in the news recently
that is worth talking about is when her former
partner, Anne H, was in that car crash and died,
and they were taking her body out, there was
somebody in that body bag moving around. They
weren't dead yet. Oh, damn. And I remember seeing
it like three different times on the news, and
then all of a sudden that part of the video was
scrubbed. and they didn't show that part anymore.
But people all over the Internet have been saying,
remember when they took Anne Heche out of the
car and she wasn't dead yet, but they had her
all zipped up in the body bag anyway? Oh, damn.
I bet Ellen DeGeneres ate her. I was getting
ready to say that. Allegedly, that would be my
thoughts. Yes. Well, if the police come, I'll
just say I missed the sexual act. A handshake
and a wink, wink, nudge, nudge. It's like, there's
going to be a baggie behind that tree over there.
Okay, you got it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Throw her in that body bag and get the fuck rid
of her. I don't care how. Yes, the little triangle
bastards. Oh, God, we got them everywhere. Daylight
savings time. Even though I hate stink... Yeah,
no, no, no, I'm changing it. Stink bugs. Oh,
those little bastards. They leave welts on you
too when they bite you. I didn't know that until
not too long ago. Oh, maybe that's what's on
my ankles then. Yep, they will get you. Yeah,
I didn't have any idea until I saw one on me
on my leg and I smacked it. And then I was like,
man, that little bastard got me. It left a welt.
Itchy, painful little thing. All right, next
one. Billy Eilish berating you for being born
in America. Burnt pizza and everything's closed.
Or waking up in a bizarre love triangle with
Ben and Jerry. Oh, Ben and Jerry. Ben and Jerry.
Even though Billy Eilish is pretty close. That
would be some weird shit. Oh, my God. You imagine
those two ugly fucking creatures trying to get
on top of you. Oh. And they'd be lecturing you
the whole time. Yes. You're on stolen land. Where's
the lube? Old saggy fucking nutsack probably
smells because they never wash up. You're in
the stolen butthole, man. Yeah, get away from
my stolen asshole, you fucker. You know, it all
depends on how far back in time you want to go,
because whoever you think originally had that
land, they stole it from somebody before them.
Yep, it's a history of conquerors. I'm sorry,
what? It goes back to a time before people could
even speak and keep records. I mean, that's how
long people have been taking land from each other.
That's a great point. Why are you going to stop
at one point in history and say, this person,
these people right here, they're the ones that
should get it. Well, what about everybody else
that used to own that land? That's a good point.
There's something about grandstanding that people
think like they're above everything. You know
what I mean? They get a little bit of fame and
fortune, and they think they have this right
to grandstand constantly, when actually it's
annoying as fuck and nobody cares. Except idiots.
Yeah, it's kind of the messiah complex. They
want to be seen as something close to a messiah,
which will really increase their popularity if
they do it right. If they do it wrong, ugh. Like
Robert De Niro fucking crying. Oh my God. I wanted
to smack him really hard in the fucking face
and say, dude, get a hold of yourself. Look in
the fucking mirror. Ugh. him on screen anymore.
I look at him and think fucking little sawed
off pussy every time I see him. I'm holding back.
Trust me. I'm holding back. Shut up. Go fucking
spend your millions you old fuck. Go buy some
cannolis. Shut that fucking pile up. That was
not an Italian joke. Cannolis are good. We all
fucking know this. Alright, Rob, to shut me up,
please, please go ahead. Okay, well, Ace Frehley
would be a ghost, but Richie Blackmore would
hit you with his guitar. I was trying to add
a little spice to it. Like, all of a sudden,
Ace comes in and goes, Mark! Oh, Ace! What? Hey,
you wear your makeup in The Great Beyond? What
do you need me to do, Ace? How come you have
your makeup on? Shut up, man. God makes me wear
it. Anyhow. I'm going to... What was the first
one? I forgot. It was Richie Blackmore, Zach
Wilder. Okay, I'm going to go with Richie Blackmore
because he very famously likes to hit people
with his guitar. trying to impress with all of
the technical stuff, and Zach would be Mr. Pristine
and Precise with not much feeling, and Ace would
just be out there sweating beer. No, not literally,
because he was sober. But just having a ball
and belting out the riffs, and yeah, I think
Ace would take it. Okay, my opinion? I'm going
to say all of them, because I don't even know
how to play guitar. Even though I can't play
worth a shit anymore. But, anyway. I've been
trying to play guitar for about ten years, and
I still can't, but I sure have fun trying. I
do, too. I have fun sounding like shit. But,
you know. Yeah. All right, here's my next. Bigger
threat. Screaming babies on the airplane. Oh.
Screaming idiot passengers in the terminal. Oh.
at the Tel Aviv airport. Have you guys heard
about this? Tel Aviv bomb detection. Okay, so
at the Tel Aviv airport, instead of x -rays or
patting you down or any of that stuff, they have
an armored cubicle, and each person walks in
alone, and the door's shut, and they have devices
in there that will detonate any explosive. If
you have any armor, it will detonate it. a whoop.
Lost another. If you got the balls to walk in
there with any explosion on it, that's as far
as you're going. For one, that would not be a
threat to me because I ain't carrying a bomb
through. Me neither, but it's still fun to pick
them. I think that's ingenious. It's like, go
ahead, bring a bomb in. That's fine. Oh, I love
that. All right, so what was everybody's vote?
Mine was Tel Aviv bomb detection. What was yours
and what was Rob's? What were the first two?
Screaming babies on the airplane or screaming
idiot passengers in the terminal. But screaming
babies next to you on an airplane sucks, too.
Because I can take them while I'm in there, so
I don't have to worry about them. All three of
them suck, but, I mean, well, actually, the TV
one doesn't. And I love babies, so. Okay, all
right. I'd be willing to give the baby a pass,
but some adult who's acting like an idiot, nah.
I would agree. A baby's supposed to cry. Adults,
no. Robert De Niro. All right. My next one. No
socks that match in your dresser. Spam calls
that are one digit off from your wife's number.
Or Mitch McConnell belly dancing in your living
room. All of them suck. I'm going to have to
go with Mitch. Mitch McConnell. If that were
happening, that would just be terrible. After
I got done poking my eyes out, I would stick
my finger down my throat to vomit more. Wow.
Oh, gosh. That's pretty rough. I'd have to cut
my tongue out just so I could never speak of
it. Damn. I would never come back to the house.
I'd be like, board it up, board it up. Oh, gosh.
I think we're pretty unanimous there. Yeah, that
was unanimous. All right, well, my next one.
that only plays Bruce Springsteen and U2 songs,
or a TV channel that only plays The Howard Stern
Show? Oh, my God. I'm going to go with Springsteen
and U2. I'm going to go with Springsteen also,
even though I hate the other two. Yeah, Stern,
yeah. That's a close one, but I'm going to go
with Springsteen and U2. Yeah, Springsteen just
by a nudge. the TV channel that plays Howard
Stern, because that would draw me in, having
a visual. And at least with a radio station,
I could try to tune out the lyrics and just concentrate
on the instrument. Okay, all right, that's a
good answer. Okay, yeah, all of them fucking
suck, but yeah. All right, next one. And you
know, no disrespect to Garth Brooks. but I don't
want to hear Garth Brooks all night. No, no,
great guy. He had good songs, but just not my
thing I want to hear all night. So, yeah. I've
got one kind of like that right here. Hanson
being played on loop in a waiting room at a hospital.
A rabid monkey constantly grabbing your balls.
Or being forced to listen to Nina Blackwood's
phone sex hotline. What's that? Nina Blackwood,
have you heard her voice? She sounds like she
has throat cancer. She might have, I don't know.
I know, but she doesn't have throat cancer. Wow.
Yeah, I think the Nina Blackwood phone sex hotline
would probably have crawled back up inside me.
Yes, yes. That would protect it from the monkey.
I hear screaming. This is only kind of difficult.
So we go, what's that screaming? What's that
screaming, Mark? Oh, that's just my penis. I
will probably never see it again. No, it's gone
for good. Thanks, Nina. I'm going to have to
say it's Nina. That would just be terrible. Okay,
I'm going to have to change mine after all that.
Yeah, Hanson sucks, but yeah. Yeah. All right.
Topher. Okay. Which is the bigger threat? Kiss's
Music from the Elder album. Oh! The Sgt. Pepper
movie soundtrack. Or Bill Shatner sings grunge
hits from the 90s on cassette tape. Yeah. Man.
What was the first one again? I forgot. I'm sorry.
Music from the Elder by Kiss. Music from the
Elder. That's mine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If
you don't know, just listen to it. Dial it up
on YouTube and listen to it. Yeah. I'm going
to have to go with the Sgt. Pepper movie soundtrack
because actually I've never heard Music from
the Elder. But I have. heard the Sargent Pepper
soundtrack, and it is so corporate, and it sucks
so hard, and the way they just basically crapped
all over the Beatles' music just really seems
so wrong. You know what? I can't really argue
that at all. Oof. Okay, you know what? The Elder
has one good song on it, and that's Mr. Blackwell,
and that's just Gene Simmons bitchin' about an
old boss. Right, right. So... Oh, shit. You know
what? I'm leaving it. I'm leaving it. So, all
right. All right. What is a bigger threat? Eating
a fried chicken liver halfway and noticing it's
raw. Yeah, yeah. You accidentally dribble urine
on your trousers. Yes, I said trousers. Or wake
up being pegged by Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Or
wake up being pegged by Wayne the Rock Johnson.
The other two suck, but I'm saying being pegged
by the Rock would be the... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. That would be pretty awful. Oh, yeah, yeah.
He'd have that big grin on his face the whole
time, you know. He'd be telling you all about
his human being hunts on Hawaii. And couldn't
get it up? Yeah. I don't know, because he did
take steroids. Yeah, but pegging, he could go
grab something else and do it. I mean, if he
couldn't get it up, he could go grab a stick
or something, or a candle or something. I don't
know, you know? Yeah, you got a point there.
Damn it, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to say Dwayne
Rock Johnson, anything to do with my asshole,
no. Nope. All right, Topher? Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
I didn't get my third one yet. Oh, shoot. Okay.
That's all right. decent human being, so. Yeah.
I'll throw it to Courtney. She'd be the biggest
threat. Yeah, because she'd kill you in your
sleep, dope you up with heroin, allegedly. Yeah.
And stick a shotgun in your mouth. Shoot you.
Allegedly. Allegedly. Okay, well, I'm going to
go with Octo Mom. She is pretty good. She would
be alive in how many, if she had eight kids in
one birth. Come on. Oh, yeah, you're right. Changing
diapers. be all day changing diapers. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Give me corny love any day, I would die.
You make a very good point. Great point, Robert.
If this world's end off, she has a ranch she
could bury out there. picking up with a horrible
taste in your mouth, or the fact that your butthole
really hurts for some reason. All from doing
cocaine with Stefan Diggs. Yes. I'm going to
go ahead and just get the subject right off the
table. Cocaine with Stefan Diggs will probably
cure all of that later. You get rid of that,
you got rid of the butthole hurting and everything
else. So there you go. All right, Rob, do you
have a fourth one or not? Wow. Yeah, the wife.
Yeah. Yeah. Because at that point, you're going
to wish you were dead. Yes. They're going to
make sure you're not dead. They're going to make
sure you wish you were dead. Wow. It's okay,
honey. Go to sleep now. I deserve that. They're
mad off at Eddie Murphy Raw. He said a black
woman that... Don't go to sleep on him because,
you know, after you hit him. He couldn't do it
nowadays. But he goes, that's okay, honey. I
deserve that. Go to sleep now. You get the fuck
out of there. Yes. All righty. I have one left.
Okay, and I got one left too, so go ahead. A
waitress with several open and oozing sores.
Or Girl Scout cookies. Because I read how contaminated
Girl Scout cookies are. I've got a whole story
on that when we have the time. Yeah, they carry
guns now. Yeah. But it all sucks. The oozing
waitress doesn't sound too good either. No, it
doesn't. But at least I can get up and walk out.
This is true. This is true. Yeah, it's a Waffle
House. I'm sorry, ma 'am. This is too expensive
for me. What? Yeah, I don't want your sores oozing
on me. You're trying to be nice. cookies, even
if you know that they're unhealthy and you shouldn't
eat them, you get high, you're going to eat them.
Yeah. Yeah, this is true. You don't care. You're
like, fuck yeah, these are good. I don't care
what it does to me. All right. And finally, my
last one. Out of date cottage cheese, curdled
milk, or anything made with tofu? Tofu. Tofu.
with curdled milk because most of the fake cheese
I eat is made out of tofu. Oh. Oh. Okay, all
right. That was a bad one. Yeah, for people who
aren't aware, I can't eat dairy. Okay, okay.
I did not know that. Yeah, so anything animal
milk or anything made from animal milk just makes
me sick as a dog, so. Oh, okay. Yeah, let's go
with the curdled milk, man. Okay, curdled milk.
I've had curdled milk Yeah, yeah, I think everybody's
done that. You know, you go in and you're like,
hey, all right, hell yeah, last bit in the jug.
Now you know why the jug was sitting in there.
Half backwash anyway. Yeah, yeah, of course.
Because you know somebody went over there and
drank out of it anyhow and didn't tell you? Yep.
Yep. All righty, let's take our first break,
and then we'll come back with some emails. All
right, we'll be right back. Hello, this is a
new guy, and these three dimwits want me to explain
Billy Corgan's theory about rock music was taken
down deliberately. Rock was deliberately marginalized
by record labels. Radio and streaming platforms
favor more commercially exploitable genres. Pop,
hip -hop, EDM, gatekeepers. Corporate consolidation
pushed formats and formulas that deprioritized
guitar -driven bands because they're harder to
market to mass youth audiences. Streaming algorithms
and playlist culture favor short, hooky tracks
and high play count genres, disadvantaging longer
form album -centered rock. Media narratives and
awards industry recognition shifted away from
rock. accelerating its culture and visibility.
This marginalization is at least partly intentional,
driven by profit motives and risk -avoiding executives
rather than purely audience taste. The mechanisms
that he points to are radio formatting and consolidation,
reducing diverse playlists and local scenes,
label A &R focusing on single artists and genres
with clear streaming metrics, playlisting and
algorithmic recommendation that amplify what
already performs well. Industry and critics framing
rock as dead, which discourages investment and
airplay. Examples Corgan uses. Decline of rock
on mainstream radio and award shows. Major rock
acts struggling to get playlisted or promoted
compared to pop hip -hop artists. Anecdotes about
label management, attitudes towards guitar bands,
criticism, and counterpoints. Others argue that
decline is more about change in audience, taste,
demographic shifts, and natural genre cycles
rather than conspiracy. Rock remains vibrant
in the indie scenes, festivals, streaming niches,
and international markets. But I will add this.
I know I'm the new guy, but this is my thought
on this. How come all these rock bands still
sell many tickets, but a lot of the pop acts
do not? That will explain a lot right there that
rock is still a preferred... music listening
method. And also, if you ever want to sell a
car, you want to sell a house, you want to sell
a boat, they use classic rock. They don't use
R &B. They don't use any classical music. They
don't use anything else. They use classic rock.
Why is that? Because classic rock has deep pockets
still. Billy Corgan, you're right. Thank you.
This is New Guy, and I would like to tell the
other three guys to go fuck themselves. Hey,
everybody. This is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give
you some tips for life. Always answer the phone
with I have 1%. I will hang on as long as I can.
That way, if it's someone you don't want to talk
to, look off mid -sentence and you're done. And
now we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Oh my, would you look at the
Reilly scattering? It sure is brilliant tonight.
First off, You're on private property. Second,
you're in my flower garden. Third, if you're
talking about the sunset, yes, it is stunning.
And finally, would you get the hell off my property,
you annoying fucking bastard? This is Joshua
Belmont, your food for thought man on The Hustle.
Today, we would like to celebrate Mr. Timothy
J. Brottux, who is credited for the invention
of two -ply toilet paper. Because of you, Timmy,
we no longer have to spend ten minutes scrubbing
our fingernails after every dump. Mr. Bratox,
you are a true hero. Jam X. What the hell happened?
You were the generation of change. You never
wanted to be one of them. Apathy spoke for you.
Fuck the man. Fuck the system. What the hell
happened? The generation of angst? The generation
of non -compliance? Is now buying a boat? You're
really fed up to kill someone dangled a dollar
near you? Great job, Xers. Everything's ruined.
Strange, but true. Understoma. was the last World
War II prisoner of war to be released. Toma was
captured in 1945. He was later locked up in an
insane asylum for speaking gibberish. However,
in 2000, he was accidentally discovered by a
Slavic who recognized he was actually speaking
Hungarian. After nearly 60 years, Toma was successfully
identified and finally returned home in 2000.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room,
wait five minutes, and scream, Hey, there's no
toilet paper in here! Now it's time for Pick
Up Lines from a Loser. If you were a fruit, you
would be a fine apple. area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. in the Paisley Possum Studios, south
of historic Waldo, Missouri. The coffee is still
hot, but it's almost gone. It is still available
24 hours a day, because I'm going to go make
some more. The space heater is on, and the laundry
would have been done by now, but I just need
to get up off my ass and put it in the dryer.
Oh, I know that. I made a mistake. Yeah, yep.
I probably have some not done, too. All right.
We have some emails here. The first one, Rob,
do you still do ramblings of a madman? I haven't
heard them in a long time. Verna in Tennessee.
That's on me. I guess I haven't been putting
them in enough. Well, we did some new tips for
life. We haven't done any more ramblings of a
madman. Yeah, I've been throwing those in quite
a bit. I think I have been neglecting ramblings
of a madman. So, Verna, that will be changed.
Yeah, we will come up with some. Yeah, and we'll
do some more when we get a chance to. I have
like ten of them that we can do. So, anyhow.
This next one's for Topher. Okay. Topher, your
Millman stories are hilarious. Please keep them
coming. Rich in Bentonville. And he's talking
about the other show. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, remember
you're telling Millman stories? What was it on?
Was it on the Sports Bastards, maybe? Yeah, I
think so. I know he used to do it on Two Douchebags
when it first started. I remember that. Okay,
maybe they're talking about that, too. Maybe
he does talk, yeah. I think you do talk about
it a few times on Sports Bastards. I remember
one time talking about how I right up on a drive
-by shooting, but it just happened. And another
time where I witnessed a fender bender, the guy
who was at fault was the white guy and wanted
me to lie because the other driver was black
and he just presumed I would side with him because
he was white. Fuck you, man. I'm telling the
truth. Woman dickhead. Jeez. Man, that dude's
an asshole. Geez. You also had the black guy
that they kept saying black ice, and he was like
going, I don't know what I did wrong. Yeah, they
were warning us during the wintertime about black
ice, and he thought they were saying black guys.
He was Jamaican, and he didn't really quite understand
some of this. American accents, and he said,
why are you always talking about black guys?
Why do we have to watch out for black guys? Not
after a day like that. Like, what the fuck did
I do, guys? I bet he really split after he understood
the word ice. Oh, shit. Nowadays, that has a
slightly different meaning, doesn't it? Yeah,
it does. Also, you did tell, you told another
story, I remember. You used to get them riled
up with, you'd tell them to go racial on them
and they'd get scared as fuck. Oh, yeah. Anytime
they'd say black anything, like Black Friday
or Black Night or something, I would, my guy
who was pacing next to me, Hugh McCleary, another
Jamaican guy. whisper, hey man, why does it have
to be black? And you go, yeah, hey man, why does
it have to be black? Why does it have to be black
Friday? That was it. That was the one I was just
fucking cracking up on. All of them were good,
but that one really got me. Then he'd turn around
and he'd grin really big. And also, it shuts
down management because they don't know what
to say. I mean, they had to just treat it like
a joke and let it go. That's why I'm doing that.
But you can see how it probably made him uncomfortable,
though, didn't it? Yeah, especially if it was
a new boss that didn't know. Oh, I love that.
All right, the next one. Mark, why don't you
do a skit where you're a psychic and you tell
all your readings that they suck? I could imagine
you doing that and it being entertaining. Ross
in Texas. Ross, thank you. I think we could do
something like that, where someone comes in wanting
to know about their future, and you tell them
a whole bunch of horrible shit. Yeah. All right.
You know what, Ross? We'll work on that. You're
royalty. So, yeah. Yeah, we'll work on that.
Thank you. I'll have to come up with my own really
weird way of foretelling the future. I can see
it involving dice, cards, and coffee grounds.
Sounds like a Friday to me. Yeah, like that lady
that got a divorce because the coffee grounds
were red and said that her husband was cheating
on her. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. All right, the
next one. I think that one was actually much
capping than it is. Yeah, yeah. All right, the
next one, and this is for Rob. This is your buddy.
Carp soup, Rob. Come and get it fresh from the
Lake Freeman Carp Hatchery. By the way, someone
actually spray painted that fireplace monument,
and there's a big reward if someone snitches
on the tag artist. Mitch, Lake Freeman Councilman
and local organic leaf lettuce taster. All right,
thank you, Mitch. I guess somebody really did
tag that. Probably one of our listeners tagged
that damn thing, I bet, because we make fun of
it constantly. The big fireplace out there in
front of Harrisonville Justice Center. I guess
somebody spray painted it. I mean, I don't think
he's joking around about it. He didn't say anything
like that. He said, by the way, someone actually
spray painted the fireplace monument, and there's
a big reward if someone snitches a tag artist
out. So I'm going to say that probably happened.
Realistically, as long as something is sitting
there, eventually someone's going to spray paint
something on it. It's just a matter of time.
I'm going to go ahead and credit our listeners.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But we didn't tell them to
do it. Thank you, Mitch. And, yes, save me some
of that corkscrew. All right. Hey, Mitch, go
fuck yourself. All right. Okay. Next one. I recently
won it. Oh, I love this one. I recently wanted
dinner with you guys. I had a great time. Can
I enter again, or do I have to wait for a bit?
Mel in New York. I'm saying it's, what, every
90 days per family. That sounds fair. Yeah. Yeah,
that's fair. We can't have prize pigs. Sorry.
Sorry, Mel in New York. I'm sorry. But, yeah,
you've got to wait 90 days, and it can't be your
brother. It can't be your sister. It can't be
your mom. Nothing. Okay? So, all right. And then,
let's see. Oh, there's a few more. We've got
to bump up on emails ever since we've been doing
the douchebag gangbang or whatever. So, all right.
Douches, serious question. I'm young and just
landed, hopefully, my career. I have an option
of starting a pension or a 401k. It's my choice.
Which one do you all recommend? Telly in Minneapolis.
I would recommend a pension because you can also
start a 401k on your own. Oh, that's a good point.
Yes, yes. Yeah, I was going to suggest that too.
Yeah, and you might want to start a 401k after
the pension anyhow because if you do the right
type of a pension, a 401k, or I mean 401k, not
a pension, you can actually borrow from it and
pay yourself back. You can take out, you can,
there's all different sorts of things you can
do with a 401k that you can't do with a pension.
So I'm with Topher and Rob. I think both of them
is probably the right answer. Yeah, from my own
personal experience at the postal service, I
have a pension and the postal version of the
401k, which is called Drift Savings Plan, or
TST. So I've got both. Plus I get Social Security
because I paid into that. So it sounds like I've
got a bunch of money, but it really doesn't.
No, no, no, no, no. I got a pension of 401k and
I still work and I'm still broke. So, yeah. Yeah,
it helps, but it doesn't mean I can just hang
out and buy shit all day long. No, although it
sounds great. Yeah. All right. Next one to Topher.
Love the fact you're back with the gang. On Douchebags
Podcast, I mean. Keep your stories coming. We
love them. Josh in Lillian, upstate New York.
Another New York listener. All right. I was born
in Rochester, New York, so I think that's a little
connection there. There you go. He has a New
York sense of humor, maybe. I don't know. Could
be. Yeah, let's see if we get anybody specifically
from Rochester. Actually, I think my parents
were living in Greece, which is like a suburb
of Rochester. Oh, wow. Okay. If anybody lives
in Greece, New York, let me know, because that's
where my parents were living in 1961. Okay. All
right. Next one. Mark, you are a pro at brushing
the edge of naughty without going full -blown
raunchy. I disagree with that on this one. You
don't know. I do have a challenge for you, though.
I'm asking for you to cut down on the cuss words.
Maybe a few here and there, but you definitely
get on a roll with them sometimes, you think?
That is so ironic. I know, I guess not. I love
the content. I would just enjoy it more without
so many bad words. Thank you, Bill in Nashville.
I get it. I get it. Yeah, sure. I won't cuss
anymore. Yeah, I'm not worried. Fuckhead. Alright.
No, thank you, Bill. Alright. Mark, were you
clipping your fingernails on the podcast last
week? It sure sounded like it. Millie in Nebraska.
No, it was my toenails, Millie. Thanks for fucking
ratting me out. Bitch. Fucking asshole caught
me. Thank you, Millie. I needed to hear it to
the playback. I could not hear it while we were
recording, but I heard it on the playback. Me
too. I didn't hear it during the recording either.
And then all of a sudden on the playback, it's
like, snap, snap. And I'm like, oh, crap. Oh,
I love that. Awesome. Well, that's the end of
the emails. And, man, I tell you guys, keep them
coming. The emails are, like, fucking fantastic,
man. You guys are amazing. Oh, my God. I mean,
you guys think so? Are the emails not just fantastic?
They're gold. They are gold. They are gold. You
guys have a great sense of humor. They're the
biggest part of our show. I know. Our listeners
are better than we are. Oh, they are. I've got
another one, too. I have all the hate emails
saved to the side, and we're going to have one
segment where we just read them all off. Ooh,
I like that. Yeah, there's quite a few of them.
Oh, you're going to be on a roll that night.
Oh, fuck yeah. Yep. All right. Do you guys want
to take our second break and come back, and then
we'll do Rob's story, then a Topher story, and
then if we have enough time, we'll get back around
to me? Okay. All right, we'll be right back.
Since the dawn of time, weird shit has happened.
Strange occurrences, unexplained phobias, and
other odd happenings. Over the next minute, we
would like to bring you odd, rare phobias and
conditions. Hutchinson Guilford. Progeria syndrome.
Cases known on Earth, 100 to possibly 150. This
causes young children to age quickly, such as
hair loss, thin, fragile skin, and cardiovascular
issues, while the child's mental capacity stays
the same. There is unknown cure and very little
treatment options. Have you ever wondered what
something is not? Have you ever looked at something
and said, hmm, I wonder what the origin of that
is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you
The Origin Of. The Coca -Cola Company introduced
Pepo, marketed as a pepper -type soda. In early
1972, the beverage, then only sold in Memphis,
Tennessee market, drew ire from the Dr. Pepper
Company. Who sued the Coca -Cola Company for
trademark infringement? In June of that year,
as the litigation continued, Coca -Cola modified
the Pepo formula and reintroduced it as... Mr.
Pibb. The new makeover was marketed as a spicy
cherry cola and not a pepper -type drink. The
new formula was sold primarily in Coke soda fountains,
but was soon bottled and sold with most of the
Coke products. Today, Mr. Pibb was reintroduced
after it was rebranded Pibb Extra in the early
2000s. Heya, Yankers. We often think many things
are just true because we've heard it our whole
lives. That's why here at Two Douchebags and
Microphone, we developed the segment, Not True.
We investigate and uncover the real truth of
what happened. We've heard for years that Einstein
was so intelligent he could not figure out how
to tie his shoe. The fact is, he disliked wearing
socks. He would put socks over his shoes to avoid
tying them. He believed tying shoelaces... was
an incredible waste of time. So were her crocs
when Einstein needed them. Miss Gulkenstein was
tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of her.
Little did the douchebags know, Miss Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob the capuchin monkey tries to sell the
rest of the capuchin monkey's amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a diamond status amway
as a capuchin monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Your alarm
goes off. You sleep through it. You wake up and
have little time to get ready for work. Because
of your sleepiness, you are pressed for time.
So you have to double task. The question, is
it gross to brush your teeth while taking a dump?
Submit your answers to 2douches at mail .com.
Oh, Lord, that man just sawed a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
A drunk guy just hit my child! It is okay. I
have a clown nose. Clown nose! Just put one on
and you can do anything! Wanna run for office?
Murder people in public? Just grab a clown nose
and bam! Everyone laughs! Clown noses are sold
at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen. Sometimes
Mark appears to be in deep thoughts. Usually
he is contemplating whether to squeeze it toot
out or save it up for a better place. But I digress.
Sometimes he does occasionally have a deep thought.
Now we look in on his brilliance. What if I learned
telepathy? And then I tried to talk to random
people. How would I know if they're ignoring
me? I guess some questions are greater than mankind.
Hey, my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash
Riptide, your music news. Legendary guitarist
Zach Wilde unretires the grill. The 1981 Gibbs
and Les Paul for the new Ozzy Osbourne tribute
track. You know this guitar. It's a bullseye
Les Paul he made famous in the first few years
of joining Ozzy. The grill, as the guitar is
known as, Zach is unretiring the beauty for a
tribute track saluting the Prince of Darkness.
No word on when or how the song will hit the
public. We will keep you posted. This is Gash
Rooktyne, and that was your music news. If it's
too loud, you probably have ear damage, just
like me. To Douchebags and Rockaphone, I am Mark
here in the Kansas City Metroplex at this extreme
southern tip of at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of
the Lucas Olds Speedway and Water Track, and
also home of Hickamost Country Store, where you
can find all your needs, including a selfie with
the green thing. studios south of historic Waldo,
Missouri, and the coffee is brewing, and I'm
ready to go. All right. Cool. All right, Rob,
we go to you. All right. Is it that time? Well,
there is no denying that the Mathersons can have
some incredible creativity when they want more
drugs. Yep. And Daniel Thomas from Melbourne
is a shining example. Ha ha ha! Oh my gosh, man.
I miss the good old days when we were just stripping
wire for no reason. Oh man. Yeah, that's a good
question. How do you get one? Did he have to
steal it? Thank you, Rob. Wow. You're welcome.
All right. Topher, let's go to you. Wow. Well,
I had thought the other day about products that
lost out to better products or more popular versions.
Okay. The first one I thought of is probably
the big example, which is the Sony Betamax versus
the VHS. 1974 by allowing longer recording times
and offering cheaper, more accessible players.
Part of the Betamax problem was Japanese TV shows
never went for more than an hour. So that was
all the recording time you had on a cassette.
While in the United States, you'd have like hour
and a half movies or up to two hour movies. So
JVC made it a two hour recording time. And that
was really the big push there. Wow. The next
one I have is the Microsoft Zune versus the iPod.
Launched in 2006 to compete with the iPod, the
Zune, Z -U -N -E, was a chasing product. Basically,
it was trying to chase after what had already
been offered. It offered little reason for consumers
to switch. It wasn't faster. It didn't have more...
Oh, yeah. including Warner Brothers, decided
to exclusively support the Sony -led Blu -ray
format in 2008. So without the studios releasing
movies in that format, it was dead. Yeah, wow.
I didn't know that that's what killed it, but
that makes sense. I remember when there was the
battle back and forth, and everybody was wondering
which was going to be the winner. There were
players for both available. Yeah. Eventually,
everyone that had a Toshiba basically had to
retire it. Yeah, and you know what? And that's
true, too, because I had no idea. All I knew
is you've seen Blu -ray everywhere. You know,
just like one day, just overnight, it, like,
exploded. And then all of a sudden, everyone's
getting Blu -ray. So I get it. And now I understand
why. It's because it was backed up, you know.
And where Toshiba, they're just like, yeah, fuck
them. Yep. Anyhow, go ahead. Another one was
MySpace versus Facebook. Remember MySpace? Yeah.
That was a long time ago. You can still hear
references to it in movies and TV shows from
the time, but it basically lost its dominance
due to a cluttered user experience and failure
to innovate Facebook. provided a cleaner, more
connected social networking experience, and they
were constantly updating and changing and adapting.
MySpace was just kind of, you know, well, here
it is, and that's what it is. People wanted more.
Yeah. Yep, you're right. MySpace was cute, but
then when Facebook came out, it was more encompassing
and accommodating. Yeah, MySpace is more for
music groups, too, anyhow, pretty much. Yeah,
I remember that being a selling feature, like
for performers, specifically musicians, like
for your fans to go. They tried doing that again
with a site called OnlyFans, but that's just
porn now. It's just porn. It backs up your point
about man will porn up anything. Remember when
you said that? Well, that's classic right there.
Yeah. Maybe if they start a site called OnlyMusicFan
.com Oh, they'd still porn that up. It'd be someone
fucking a trombone. It'd take a year or two longer
before they'd porn that up. You'd get somebody
trying to fuck a trombone. Let's get the flute
up their ass. Hey, look at this pan flute. Hey,
get that out of your ass. I've got to play that
in a little bit. Oh, I'm sorry, whoever. I just
got raunchy. I forgot his name. I apologize.
Sorry about that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to
watch that. I really am. You guys are going to
help me, right? You're going to help me watch
that, right? Yes. Yeah, okay, thank you. Oh,
you're a hero. Rob is smart. He wants nothing
to do with it. I've got to watch myself. All
right, Topher, is that all of it? Oh, okay. No,
go ahead. We're pretty good. Okay. Remember the
Heinz easy ketchup that came in green and purple?
Yeah. Yes. Yeah, that lost out big to just regular
old red ketchup because nobody really wanted
to squirt that shit on their food. It didn't
look right. No, it looked spoiled. It was just
you. We used to take like blue food coloring.
and go to like McDonald's or White Castle or
something and mix it in with our ketchup just
to freak people out. They'd walk in and you'd
be eating some sort of a fucking deep purplish
looking blackish like fungus looking stuff, putting
it on your fries and like, huh? It was funny.
Anyhow, go ahead. You know what's fun to do at
a McDonald's is take one of your drink lids And,
you know, turn it upside down and fill it with
ketchup. And then walk up to the front counter
and say, hey, look, I got my McPeriod. Oh, that
is wrong in so many ways. They just love that
at McDonald's when you do that to them. Yes.
Everyone's like, hey, come here, guys, come here.
Yeah, all you cooks and everything, come over
here, the drive -thru guy, come on. Can you do
that again? All right. Okay, well, I have one
last one. This is a pretty obvious one, but I
didn't think of it. I had to look it up. for
quite a while. Yeah, it was Redbox at first,
wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, it was Redbox at first.
Was it Redbox at first and then it turned to
Netflix? I don't remember it being Redbox. I
remember Netflix being strictly through the mail,
whereas Blockbuster had physical stores and through
the mail. So I thought, well, Blockbuster's going
to be new. with the digital streaming revolution.
And Blockbuster kept relying on physical stores
that you had to get out of your house and go
drive to. With Netflix, now you could just turn
on your TV and get what you wanted. You don't
have to worry about, do they have a copy? Is
it going to be broken? You don't have to leave
the house to go get it. You don't have to return
it. returning back once the digital streaming
happens. Oh, yeah. And no fee for return at late.
Oh, exactly. Oh, that's a great point, Rob. Yeah,
they used to just destroy us on that. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's... Yeah. Yeah, Netflix is so convenient,
and that's why they took over. There's actually
one Blockbuster store left, I think, in California
somewhere. Oh, wow. Yeah, I think so. I think
it's in California. Yeah, and it's pretty much
just open for nostalgia. People probably go in
there and get something, just, you know, they
take their picture out in front of it. They go,
hey, guess where I'm at? And then the younger
people are like, I don't know. What the fuck
is that? So, all right. You got any more, Topher?
That was my story. Oh, okay. All right. Thank
you. Do you think we have time to do a Jeffy
X list with a small story, or do you want to
just save it for next time? What do you say,
Rob? I don't care. Let's go for it. Okay, all
right. Let's go for it. Snack Pack Dr. Pepper
Juicy Gels are a new, officially licensed, sweet,
spicy, gelatin snack. Scheduled to hit major
U .S. retailers in June of 2026. Announced these
cups aim to bring the iconic bold flavor of the
soda to spoonable, lunchbox -friendly format.
So, yeah, they're going to be like Jell -O. You
know how Jell -O... Yeah. Yeah. It's going to
be... They're like those Jell -O cups. Yeah.
Yeah, this is going to be the same thing. To
me, this sounds awful. What do you guys think?
I don't see that really being a thing. There's
so much to be said for the carbonation being
a big part of the flavor. Yes. Because if you
ever drink it flat, it's gross. I don't know
how you're going to replicate the way the carbonation
makes it taste. I agree. Flat anything is horrible,
so yeah. So, well, Jeffy X got a hold of this
story, and he decided to go around to these different
places, these different corporations, and Jeffy
X always sneaks in there. He's almost been killed
how many times, guys? 30? Oh, at least. Yeah.
He's really good. He sneaks into these places,
and he gets these lists of these products that
fail. You know, they do these products, and then
they take them to focus panels and groups. And
then, you know, if they deny them, they pretty
much can the whole thing. So Jeffy X gets these
lists before they get out. But these corporations
don't want him out, so they keep trying to catch
him. And anyhow, Rob took and embroidered him
some Jeffy X underwear. It has an X on the front
and Jeffy on the back. But the thing about this
underwear that Rob embroidered him, he put a
special Stephen Piercy pouch in the front of
the underwear. And that is the old glam band
rat, Stephen Piercy, supposedly had a pouch sewn
into a spandex so he could put a sock or two
to look better to maybe some females and maybe
gay males, right? Yeah, look. Look a little plumper
down there. You know, we're sure Jeffy X doesn't
need it, but, you know, Rob did that as a courtesy.
Well, I try to help people out, you know. Yeah,
I know. It's like, hey, you need a little help.
I'm a giving person. Well, yeah, yeah. A cold
day, you're going to need that, right? I mean,
I don't care how you're hanging. Cold day, you
know. It's like, hey. And also keep your nuts
warm, too, right? Yeah. Did you slip a hand warmer
down into that little pouch? Oh, hey! I never
saw that. Oh, hell yeah. Jeffy X, if you're listening,
there you go. He also embroidered him a Sgt.
Pepper's outfit, which now he got him seven because
he refused to take it off. He's a huge Beatles
fan. It turned black. It smelled horrible. He
would not take it off. And so, Rob? Made him
seven more of the beautiful white suits that
are featured, the Beatles are featured on the
back of the Sgt. Pepper's album, all wearing.
And so Jeffy X loves that. And now he's got one
for each day so he can have one dry cleaned and
then he can wear one and do it and so forth.
And then finally, he also embroidered him a flying
bat suit, which he wears at night. But he wears
it over his Sgt. Pepper outfit because he loves
that. Yeah. But he flies around. He likes to
play Batman. He does different stuff. He plays
tricks on people. It's pretty cool. He told me
it did save him the other night, though. He had
to jump off the smoker's building. Oh! Yeah,
that's what that was about. Yeah, he accidentally...
He's thankful for the Batsuit. Yeah, he butt
dialed me when all that was going on. All I just
heard was a bunch of guns firing and people screaming.
Yeah. Yeah, I was really worried about it. You
wouldn't think a garbage smoker would have guns,
but they did. I know, yeah. Wow. He was smuggling
out some cool shit, is my guess. Yeah, he was.
But me, I'm a simple guy. I gave him $2 ,500
for beer and hookers and drugs or to buy his
mom something, and I didn't care which. So, Jeffy
X, he compiled a list of soda flavors that have
failed. So, the first one is NyQuil -flavored
soda. Didn't hit. That's terrible. The blue coma.
No, no, no. No, thank you. So I think we can
all agree with that, right? The NyQuil -flavored
soda is probably right. Yeah. Yeah. That's a
big no. All right. Well, they hit that one okay.
So the next one is candy corn -flavored soda.
Oh. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Candy corn is evil. That makes my teeth hurt.
I don't think I've ever even had that idea before.
Candy corn came from Satan's asshole. I swear.
Yeah. Hi, Mark. I'm glad you can make it. Satan?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're down here. Sorry. Here,
have some candy corn. I just want you to shit
that out. This is hell, dickhead. Eat it. All
right, the next one. Diet eggnog soda. Yeah.
Diet. Diet and eggnog. Oh, that would taste like,
well, it would taste like a bleached asshole,
probably. Probably so. And candy corn that came
out of Satan's anus. I made you some pellets,
Mark. No! No! God, I'm sorry. What do I need
to do? Get me out of here. All right. Next one.
Sweet Baby Ray's Diet Cola. Just like trying
to drink that. And it's Diet Kaboom. Maybe if
it was beer, but not diet soda. Yeah, yeah. Beer
would be okay, but yeah, yeah. Duh. Yeah. You
guys remember that time that Schlitz tried to
put out that menthol beer? That was a big tank.
Oh, yeah. That lasted about 20 seconds. Vaguely.
Vaguely. Yeah, it was on the market about 20
seconds, and that was it. Yeah. Yeah. You talk
about pandering. I think my dad actually got
a six -pack of it once. Did he really? Yeah.
Oh, man, too bad you can't find that. Considering
that eventually Cool Cigarettes was sued for
targeting black Americans. That's what I'm saying.
Menthol Schlitz beer would have fallen under
that same category if you're targeting black
people for alcohol consumption. Yeah, no, that's
exactly how... That is exactly how I viewed it
when you said that. That's exactly how I viewed
it. It was pandering to the black people. Alright.
You guys remember that scene in The Godfather
when all the heads of the families were discussing
whether they were going to sell heroin or not?
And one of the bosses said, you know, we'll only
sell it in, not in our neighborhood, but in the
black neighborhoods and he said their animals
let them loose their souls and I thought that
attitude probably has continued through corporate
America it's like where do we dump the crap oh
well here we'll just dump it here where nobody
cares about them I think that still goes on yeah
I think I agree with you it does still go on
I agree yeah it's yeah Disturbing, to say the
least. Yep. All right. The next soda that failed
was salmon slash poke. Hell no. Yeah, yeah. We're
going to have this discussion about seafood now.
Oh, dinner. And especially raw chunks in poke.
Oh. Yeah, yeah. No thank you. The next one would
be blue cheese. flavored soda. Oof. Okay, I would
get into that. Okay, well, to me that didn't
sound horrible, but not my preferred one, you
know. I'd really have a good one. I would at
least try it. I think I'll stick with Mexican
Coca -Cola. Maybe you can like bite into a buffalo
wing and then take a drink of the blue cheese
soda. Ooh, now you're talking. There you go,
yeah. Yeah, you go to Buffalo Wild Wings and
go have a blue cheese cola and munch down some
wings. Hell yeah. Or maybe a blue cheese ice
cream sundae. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There you
go. Put wings on it as decorations. Yeah, I say
we save that one. Okay, alright. That one's getting
spared. The next one would be a Duke mayonnaise
spritzer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's absolutely
no. Yeah, yeah, Jeffy, you're absolutely right.
That is horrible. The next one would be crusty.
That just curled my stomach. Too much mayo on
anything is disgusting. Imagine that being a
spritzer. And then Duke mayo is a little bit
spicier than regular mayo, so, oh, yeah. All
right, the next one would be Crest Toothpaste
Lemon Lime Soda. Wow. If you want fresh breath.
I don't think I could swallow that without puking.
I really don't think I could. No, no. Matter
of fact, I'm about ready to blow chunks thinking
about that. Right now, I could do like one of
those prolific vomiting, one of the ones that
just like. Goes for a ways. Like, I could do
a three -foot mountain -like fountain of puke
right now thinking of that. Yes. Yep. You'd be
like the Plaza Fountain. People come throwing
coins at you. Hey, what's this? Oh, this is a
fountain of puke. What? That poor guy? Well,
he accidentally drank some Crest Toothpaste Lemon
Lime Soda. Oh! Oh, okay. All right, I got it.
Throw him 20. Go ahead and throw him 20, the
poor guy. I'm going to go see if I got some silver
I can throw in there. All right. The next one
would be garlic hummus root beer. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I would agree with that. Yep. And then
finally, now I'm kind of on, I don't know, this
one might be good. I'll listen to you guys on
this. Chili dog flavored ginger ale. Okay, it
might have possibilities. I think I could work
with that because ginger ale doesn't have a real
sweet taste. Right, ginger is a good flavor.
It kind of has some heat to it. That would go
good with chili. Yeah, you know, I think that
that would work myself. But, you know, focus
panels are fickle. They turned it down. I don't
know. I could see that working. My vote is I
would try that. You know, they have the barbecued
flavored corn chips. Yeah, that's true. It works.
Yeah. Hmm. I think we could work with that one.
I think that that one might actually be good.
I'd be willing to try it. Me too. You, Rob? Yeah,
I'd be willing to try it. Yeah, plus chili dog
flavored anything. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. One
of my favorite meals. Yeah, yeah, that's like
one of the wonders of life, chili dogs. Oh, man.
Yeah, I suppose. One of them was some strawberry
quick. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, strawberry quick
was amazing, wasn't it? Oh, that was just a massive
sugar bomb, but it was so good. Oh, yeah. I used
to open up that little metal can on the top of
it, and I'd hear angels and harps. And I'd see
that little bunny there looking at me. The little
goofy bunny. Yes. I was away with some chocolate.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, the chocolate was good, too.
You couldn't go wrong with Nestle Quick. Ah,
yeah. And then they came out with a Hershey's
powder. Did anybody like that? Uh, that was okay.
It wasn't as good as Nestle, though. It was a
little bold. Yeah, it wasn't quick. Yeah, quick
was the best. And plus, that little bunny was
so cute, wasn't he? It was. What was his name?
Billy the Bunny or something? Or Jimmy the Bunny?
Or Frankie the Bunny? Or Willie? I don't remember.
I think it was Willie the Bunny. Yeah, little
Willie the Bunny. It was probably something like
Horatio. It was Engelbert. Guadalupe. Yeah, here's
a Spanish one. Guadalupe is a Spanish bunny.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Anybody have
anything else? You want to end this? You want
to keep it going? I don't care. That's all I
got. I got to go to work in the morning. All
right. Yeah, I'm good to wrap it up. I guess
we got to save something for Wednesday, right?
Yeah. Yep. And also for... Topher, we're doing
ours Wednesday, right? Wednesday afternoon? Tentatively.
I've got to see... I'm taking my dog to the dentist
that morning. I don't know how her recovery is
going to be, so I might need to stay with her
in the afternoon. Okay. We'll have to look at
it some more. Tuesday afternoon, you're available,
right? Yeah. Okay, let me get back with you on
that. I think maybe I might be able to swing
that. Okay. Okay. All right. If not, I guess
we could always just do it from your place. This
is true. Okay. So tentatively, we're going to
see about Tuesday. If not, we'll do it Wednesday
afternoon. Yeah. Okay. All right. Sounds good.
All right. Anyhow, everybody, thank you for listening.
You know what? I mean, I think I'm going to save
the go fuck yourselves for the ones at the city
market. So, thank you guys for listening. Have
a good night, assholes. Good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes. Eh, forget it. Go fuck
yourself. Oh, no. Looks like the show's over,
kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford
a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be
back invading your ear holes soon.