Well, well, well. We see you made it back. That's
right. It's time for your favorite podcast, Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, live from the historic
river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
but only on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays.
Otherwise, you get live from the Duck Wine Studio
in Wheatland, Missouri, and the Talk is Cheap
studio from Extreme Southern Tent for the Kansas
City Metroplex and the surrounding areas. Let's
grab a seat and see what kind of garbage they
throw at us today. Enjoy. Welcome again. We're
happy you chose us. Come on in. Wash yourself
off. Would you enjoy a bourbon and coke? There's
a liquor store down the road. If you go, I need
rolling papers. Well, since you're here, let's
get this daily douchebag pledge out of the way.
All right, bitches, swing your hips and pelvic
thrust. Shout it out with me. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to download every podcast.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to make all
friends, family members and workmates download
this show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to
grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show. and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
we must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone? And now we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy. Excuse me,
my dear sir. Could you please put my plain bread
in a small countertop appliance with heating
elements that would spring loaded and would brown
my bread adequately? Well, first off, I'm not
a waiter. I'm just a guy over there sitting at
the table having a drink. Second off, are you
talking about someone toasting your bread? Well,
yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread being
toasted. Then why don't you just ask for your
bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? What the
hell's wrong with you? Hey, everybody. This is
Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some tips for
life. You have a large meal and need more belt
space? Use a drill with a quarter -inch bit.
And then drill, baby, drill. Yes, it's true.
Mark is an old bastard. It's also true that Mark
uses a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like
to tell you, if you see any pictures of him roofing
ibuprofen, it's obviously fake, and you're to
take the pictures and tear them up immediately.
It's time for the police blotter. That's right
stories about stupid criminals and the dumbassness
that ensued. Let us begin now. A 25 -year -old
Phillipsburg, Montana man drove to the Granite
County Courthouse to pay a fine for having an
open container. Sheriff Rico Barkel observed
that the man appeared to be intoxicated. He asked
if the man drove himself to the courthouse. He
replied, yes. He then admitted to having to had
two drinks and smoked two bowls of marijuana.
The man was tested at three times above the legal
limit. and had an open container in his car again.
He was charged with aggravated DUI and open container.
He went to jail immediately. No word if he actually
paid the first fine. Win dinner with the douchebags.
That's right. You can sit down and eat with the
douches. Our contest is simple. Just grab a TV
dinner. Your choice. Banquet, Stouffer's, or
whatever. Heat up your dinner. Turn on your Bluetooth
and crank up Two Douchebags and Microphone and
bam, you're a winner. See the webpage for official
contest rules. Only one entry per day per person.
No cheating. So you want proof that we love you
here at Two Douchebags and Microphone Central?
Here's a proof right here. How about the drink
of the week? Hey, my party pilgrims. How about
Norwegian's famous pineapple coconut mojito?
one and a quarter ounce Bacardi coconut rum,
one ounce pineapple puree, three pieces of lime
wedges, six pieces of mint leaves, and one half
ounce of simple syrup. You garnish ginger candy
on a pick, orange wilt, and a mint sprig. Take
a 12 -ounce glass, shake all ingredients together,
and strain over fresh ice and top with soda.
How about a splash of 7 -Up Sprite or ginger
ale just for a little extra pizzazz? Two douchebags
and microphone. I am Mark here in the Kansas
City area at the extreme southern tip of the
Kansas City Metroplex at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob at Weeble, Missouri. Home of the
magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and Waterfront.
And also home of Hickam's Country Store, where
you can find all your needs, including a selfie
with the big green dinosaur. And yes, it does
have a big penis. In the duck buying studio.
All right, and I am Topher. I am just south of
historic Waldo. I'm currently sitting in the
Paisley Possum studio, and it's looking pretty
good here. I've swept the floor, and I've got
the lights working, so it's almost starting to
feel like home. Oh, cool. I swept the floor in
here, too. Actually, I vacuumed it. All right.
We have clean studios. How about that? Yeah.
All right. Okay, so I'm going to start off here.
So I'm figuring out this newer podcast layout
with all of us. Rob and I both noticed that we
inadvertently stepped on Topher a couple of times
last Sunday, and we're going to try to get back.
I'm sorry, what? Oh, that's no problem. Okay,
yeah, and I can hear you better today, so that
definitely helps. But when I listen back to the
podcast and Rob mentioned something to me first
about it, I'm like, you know what, I noticed
that too, and I felt bad because I didn't hear
you. Yeah. Yeah, so we're going to try to get
a little bit better at that, okay? Okay. I'll
make sure I can talk directly into the phone
so you've got a good chance to hear. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you're sounding much louder than you
did last time, so that's good. Good, good, good.
Okay. So, anyhow, we're sorry about that. We're
going to try to get better. So, when I go to
post a podcast on rss .com, it now has a couple
of new features. The first one asks me to check
a box. if the show contains AI. And then the
second one is asking where the show is being
recorded. I found that interesting, right? So
when I marked the one that it has AI, I was thinking,
okay, it does contain AI voices, but we don't
write with AI. So when I marked that box, only
one person downloaded it. And then when I took
that box off of there, it got a bunch of downloads.
So I think what happens is people think, oh,
that's just an AI podcast, so I'm not going to
listen to it, right? Right, like that's part
of a filter they have going. Maybe they filter
out all podcasts and check the box that says
AI. Could be, yeah. Yeah, could be. So I went
ahead and I took it down. I was like, no, you
know what, we may use AI voices, but we definitely
don't write with it. and we only use it to have
different voices, that's it. Yeah, I think that
the checkmark thing is more about is it AI -created
content? That's what people are upset about.
Yeah, that's what I figured out because I noticed
that as soon as I put that up there. It's like,
wait a minute. Every other time whenever I post
something, it automatically gets like 50 downloads
because people have us on auto, right, which
is great. And all of a sudden, when I put AI
on there, It was like one download. One download
in 24 hours. I was like, what the fuck is going
on with this? All the other ones had downloads.
Just the one that I put AI on. Wow. Yeah, so
you're right. That's what it meant. That's exactly
what it meant right there was if it was AI created.
And I figured that out afterwards. So I went
ahead and took it down and corrected it. And
then as for where the podcast is made from, I
know why they did that. Okay, whenever people
Google local shows and stuff, this will now show
up. Ours will. Because it's made in Kansas City,
and I tried it. I tried it. I Googled podcasts
in Kansas City, and we were on there. It was
a ways down. I don't know how you get up further,
but it was on there. So that definitely is going
to help us in the Kansas City area. Yeah, so
I thought that was pretty good. You know, RSS,
it's a great service as it is, but it seems to
be getting better. They seem to be actively trying
to get better. Good deal. Yeah, you know, they
could just be like, ah, it works. But I figure,
you know, but they're actually, they're constantly
kind of, you know. altering it and changing it,
and they seem to be doing pretty good, so I like
that. And sooner or later, we're going to have
to... I want to do the YouTube thing, but I heard
you... Okay, Topher, I've got to ask you about
this. We had Crystal, a friend of mine, ask about
where she could download us, and I caught it
too late, but you caught it first and you answered
her. Now, you can hear us on YouTube Music, is
that it? Uh -huh. Okay. separate service from
YouTube that mostly is just about the music,
not really showing the videos. Okay. And I searched
for two douchebags and a microphone and there
it was, so I can access all of our podcasts from
there. I'm going to start pimping that more.
I had no idea. Did you, Rob? No, I did not. Yep,
it's been there for a while. Wow, okay. Okay,
that's good to know. I never knew that. I just
thought, like, because we don't do the live thing
like that, because, you know, you get all these
copyright strikes, and some of the stuff we do
would really get it, you know. They'd be like,
ah, nope, nope, nope, you know, and we'd constantly
be getting screwed with and all that, so I never
bothered with it so far. So when we do do that,
I'm going to have to take this show and edit
the piss out of it just to get it on YouTube.
Well, there's... There seem to be different rules
based on whether you are monetizing your podcast
or video or not. And I have noticed that while
I can listen to songs on YouTube Music, I will
generally get an ad between them. But when I
listen to our podcast, I never hear any ads between
them. It just goes one to the next. So YouTube
Music is, I don't think, monetizing the podcast
at all. So they're not worried about what's in
it. Okay, then that's probably the difference.
It looked like something different, but that's
what the difference is, is monetization. People
will want their cut, right? Right, right. Okay.
All right. Well, we got a game coming up a little
bit later, and it's called... What's a bigger
threat is basically the name of it, but we'll
get to that here in a little bit. But first,
I think Rob has something to say, and then I
think you have something to say, right? Yes,
sir. All righty. Yes, we do. All right. Gentlemen,
please. Okay, so ever since I heard that you
enjoyed my booty bandage story last week, I found
another story off the wall for you. A East County
man is behind bars after police say he had sexual
relations with a dead deer. Oh, nasty. Yeah.
It was probably Andy's dad. Officials at the
Central City Police Department say a man driving
through Mullenburg County called 911 after they
saw a man. Oh, you should see the picture of
this guy. I understand. I'm going to have to
look it up. Yeah, man, poor Bambi's on heroin
now. They're looking at the bestiality first
and the necromancy second. Yeah. I guess so.
Right now, Bambi is on heroin because of that
motherfucker. Bambi's strung out in a fucking
crack house right now because she watched someone
fuck her dead dad. many kinds of wrong it's just
terrible i i mean that's you don't know where
to start with you know like you said it was bestiality
but then you got the necromancy and bullshit
layers and layers of wrong there oh Oh, good.
Yeah, he's afraid he's going to try to fuck something
else. I wonder if he'll try to kill him first.
That could be. I mean, if you were a hardened
criminal in there and this fuck comes in there
and you found out what he did, wouldn't you be
like, you know what, what's one more? I'm already
in here forever. I'm not getting out. I think
I'll go over there and make things right with
Bambi's dad. I think rather than being intimidated
by them, they just look at them as a test to
be exterminated. Yes, I think you're right. All
right, I guess... Yeah, that was all I have.
Okay. All right, well, to build on Mark's story
about AI, recently moviegoers took a stand against
AI crap and won. Following a flurry of online
backlash, AMC Theaters said it would no longer
allow AI -generated short films to be shown at
its U .S. list. In the latest example of the
mounting resistance to AI's encroachment on the
arts. Now, the short film in question is a film
made by Igor Alperov. However, it was actually
made by AI. But it's called Thanksgiving Day.
It won first prize. at the inaugural Frame Forward
AI Animated Film Festival last week. Isn't that
crazy that AI films now have their own awards
festival? It is. Wow. That's just, okay. Part
of the prize involved getting a national two
-week run in theaters with several major chains,
including AMC. The film would play in the advertising
pre -roll that starts 20 minutes before the feature
film begins. But news of the film's distribution
quickly sparked outrage online, most of it targeting
AMC, the largest movie chain in the world. After
the Hollywood Reporter reached out to the company,
it provided a statement distancing itself from
involvement in the decision to distribute the
AI film and said it would effectively pull it
from its theaters. Then they went on to blame
Screen Vision Media, who they've contracted out
to do that pre -show advertising. And it said
AMC was not involved in the creation or the initiative
to film it. And we told Screen Vision that we
will no longer participate in showing it. Now,
the description of the movie, it's described
as following a bear and his assistant, Platypus,
as they travel through the galaxy on a spaceship
that resembles a flying dumpster. It was created.
in a montage style intentionally borrowed from
TV commercials and online ads. Part of the backlash
is an accusation that the short film is intended
to groom the viewer into accepting advertisements
as entertainment they would pay for. This builds
on the current business model of getting people
to buy devices, such as phones, TVs, and computers,
whose primary function is to advertise to us
and collect marketing data from us. So this was
an extension of that. Now they're putting it
in the movie theaters. You're paying to go there
and watch it as entertainment. Oh, wow. Yeah.
Another thing, too, Topher, is I'm pretty sure
the Actors Guild and all them are probably raising
hell also. I would think. Yeah, because that's
their livelihood right there on the line. Definitely
get involved because AI does not play union dues.
Exactly. Union would basically disappear. Yeah,
I mean, I even read some stuff about, and I found
this really concerning here, is there's like
people that do radio shows. They will give a
sample voice to an AI company, and the AI will
take their voice because they paid them and make
a show. with their voice so let's say it is like
let's say paul harvey was still alive okay and
they said hey paul um you're done doing shows
you're retired let's just this all hypothetically
and he's like yeah would you care if we took
your voice in every show we make with your voice
in it we're going to give you a cut of so much
That's what a lot of them are doing now, from
my understanding. I believe it to be true from
what I read from the sources. And I think it's
really concerning where people that actually
have talent, that do this type of stuff, are
actually just saying, all right, well, we'll
just sell you our voice. I mean, to me, that's
fucked. I don't like that. It really seems odd
that people can now lose a job and get locked
out of employment by a dead person. whose voice
they're continuing to use in an AI format. Yes,
isn't that something? Wow. Yeah. I'll tell you
what, there's going to be, by the time this is
said and done, AI is going to be an even dirtier
word than it is right now. Because my massage
therapist, she told me she lost a few clients
lately. Because AI took their job. She's over
in Johnson County and she massages a lot of professionals,
right? Yeah. And she's already lost a couple
of accounts, a few of them, because they were
laid off. AI took their job already. Wow. Yeah,
I know. That's something else. But you know what?
We're going to keep doing this. But until then.
We got a new game we want to check out here,
right? It's called What's a Bigger Threat? Okay,
I'll start this. Then we can go to you. Then
we can go back to me. I did involve Rob on this
one because he had a lot of stuff going on this
weekend. But if he wants to come up here. Okay,
well, I did get three jobs down. Okay, cool.
All right. Well, then Rob's in it, too. All right.
I'll start it off. We'll go to Topher, then Rob.
That sound good? Sounds good. Cool. Okay. My
first one is What's a Bigger Threat? Torrential
flooding, large -scale earthquake at the New
Madrid fault line, and that's the closest one
to us. That's why I use the Madrid. Or testifying
against Hillary Clinton. How am I going to go
with testifying against Hillary Clinton? Yeah.
Yeah, I think your survival chance there is pretty,
pretty small. Yes. Where you can always jump
in a tree from a flood. You can always, like,
you know, try to stay away from buildings on
an earthquake. You know, you testify against
Hillary, and you're almost certainly dead, it
seems like, right? Allegedly. Yeah, they'll find
you anywhere. Yeah, yeah. They'll find you wrapped
up in Central Park. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly.
In a carpet, rolled up in carpet. But you killed
yourself. You killed yourself, though. Yes. So,
all right, Topher, let's turn this one to you.
Okay, which is the bigger threat? Someone hating
your post on social media, being locked in a
closet with a dog you don't know, or being cornered
by people protesting in the street? Oh, that's
a tough one. Okay, people protesting in the street,
I'm not afraid of them. They're a bunch of fucking
freaks. Yeah. Yeah, you know, someone with fucking
three different hair colors and wearing a tutu
is not going to kick my ass. I'm sorry. Let's
see. Okay, what was the first one again? Someone
hating your post on social media. That's it.
That's the one. That's the biggest threat. I'm
going to go with being locked in a closet with
a dog you don't know. I'm a little claustrophobic
anyway. I could see that. You know what? I mean,
it could be a vicious dog. So, you know what?
I think I'm going to have to go with you on that
one because I didn't really think that through.
I was thinking it's like a friendly dog. Like,
hey, come here, Fido. You know, it could be a
very pissed off animal. So, okay. Rob? I'm going
to have to go with the protest. You never know
what that freak's going to do. They might gang
up on you. Yeah, this is true. That's a good
point. Yeah, they might dye my hair four colors.
Some of them are starting to carry guns at this
point, too. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right.
They might probably just peel my loincloth off
me or something. This is true. We can't have
that. Rob needs his loincloth. I mean, you've
got to sell vinyl siding, right? Hell, yeah.
That's how Rob sells vinyl siding. He walks around
in his loincloth and people buy it. He does this
as a pastime. They feel sorry for me. Yeah. Look
at this poor guy. He can't even afford a pair
of pants. Yeah. All right, Rob, we turn this
whole shit show over to you. Okay. All right.
What's a bigger threat? Budweiser or Schlitz
the next one? Schlitz. I would say Schlitz. Yeah.
Schlitz. It rhymes with shits for a reason. Exactly.
Oh, my God, Danny. I remember growing up, my
parents, for some reason, drank Schlitz malt
liquor. Ooh. And, yeah, I don't know why, but
that was their beer of choice. And I guess it
was to keep us from drinking beer because it
tasted like crap. That would do it. Oh, my God.
Yeah, the bull. Remember they called it the bull?
Yeah, it was like silver and blue. It made kind
of an interesting NFL mascot and uniform. Yeah.
I remember the commercials. Someone would open
up a Schlitzmalt liquor and a bull would come
running through the room and almost kill everybody.
Remember that? Oh, yeah. Wow. I hadn't thought
about that in a long time. I don't know why I
did, but I did. All right. Next one. What's a
bigger threat? Bird flu, mad cow disease, or
Taco Bell on a queasy stomach? I'm going to say
Taco Bell. That one speaks for itself. Yeah.
That's such an immediate threat, doing the Taco
Bell on a queasy stomach. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're
going to pay for that, like, right now. Yeah,
that's going to like hurt you too coming out.
That's not going to be easy. It's not going to
be gentle. No, that's going to be like half of
my innards is in the toilet right now. You know,
like intestines, bone chips, everything. That
gum you swallowed in the seventh grade? Yeah,
it finally came out. Yeah. I was like, wow, I
haven't had corn in a year. How the fuck did
that get in there? All right. Topher? All right.
Which is the bigger threat? Eating food you found
on the bus, a date with someone who has nep mouth,
or your local school board? Local school board.
Yeah, I kind of stacked the deck on that one,
didn't I? You did. Yeah, you did. Local school
board, without a doubt. Yep. Yep. That's crimes
against humanity right there. Yes, it is. Yeah.
Yeah. You know, if you ever want to torture somebody,
you make them go to the school board twice a
week. Yeah. They'll end up killing themselves.
Yeah. I'm kidding. All right, Rob. Okay. What's
a bigger threat? Upset wife or upset? because
the wife will definitely take her side. Bingo.
Yes. Yes. Yeah, and the mother -in -law can keep
your wife stirred up for months. Yes. You still
married to that dumb son of a bitch? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, that relationship with your mother -in
-law is pretty important. Yes, it is. Yes. Yep.
They always say, watch who you're marrying, look
at their mom. your wife will turn out to be that,
or she's doing everything possible to be the
opposite of that. Bingo, yeah. I think there's
a lot of truth to that, and it's probably the
same way with men, too. It's just, you know,
I don't see it because I'm male, so. Yep. All
right, Rob. Oh, it goes back to you now. What
now? It goes back to you now. Oh, does it? Oh,
shit. Okay, sorry. You know what? It does, don't
it? All right. What's the biggest threat? Global
warming, the Doomsday Glacier, or accidentally
hearing Beyonce's Cowboy Carter record? Oh. Beyonce's
Cowboy Carter record, without a doubt. Yeah,
I just start to hurt. I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry
about that. I know that hurt. I'm sorry. Now
you're thinking about that horrible thing. Yeah,
it's like pouring Drano into your ears. It's
just, oh, that's it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry.
We don't ever have to think about that again.
I'm sorry, that question's over. I apologize.
Okay, thank you. All right, my next one. Which
is the bigger threat? A waitress who has the
shakes? A dentist? who you catch is zipping up
his pants as you wake up from the gas, or whatever
woke movie Disney is probably working on right
now. Disney. Yeah. It's hard to go against the
mouse, isn't it? Yeah, I don't need another lesson
from Disney, okay? But thanks, Disney. You're
still going to be a little groggy. You'll think
you just imagined it. Yeah, yeah. You'll mark
that one off as, all right, that'll learn you.
You know? Yeah. You're like, all right, okay,
so the guy got one on me, okay? Still, all right.
I think he cut my bill down a little bit. Sounds
like none of us are afraid of the waitress who
has the shakes. No, no. I'll just go up and get
my own soda. The food's not even going to make
it to you, so. True, true. Alright, Rob. Alright,
and this is the last one I came up with. That's
fine. Real quick. What's a bigger threat? A rabid
dog or a pissed off mama cat? Pissed off mama
cat. Yeah, I think the cat. is probably the bigger
threat because it's probably going to climb all
over you and you're not going to be able to peel
it off. Oh, yeah, yeah. A cat, yeah. Yeah, they
get fucking insane. Hmm. I have a rabid dog.
You can always take the shot. Yeah, this is true.
I watched somebody jump in on a mama cat and
a dog one day tore them up. Oh, yeah. That dog
didn't have a... Yeah, that dog... climbing toast.
There's blood everywhere. I got stupid right
in between them. Yeah, you can't do that. Yeah.
Alright, next one. What is a bigger threat? Oceanic
dead zones, resource depletion, or inner thigh
chafing? I'm going to go inner thigh. Yeah. Yeah,
yeah, that's horrible. I think we can live with
it. Oh, yeah. You're fucked. All day you're fucked.
In the morning you're like, not already? What
the hell? It should at least wait until 2. and
then you have a little bit of like anal leakage,
so that's in there burning your back door because
you had a cocktail the night before. That's when
you're lying in the corner crying and asking
God, why you? Why did I have to be, why did it
happen to me? I should not have had that last
chalupa. Yeah. It's like, the damn inner thigh's
enough. Anal leakage? Fuck. If people found that
out, they'd take up a collection for you. They'd
be like, what's going on with Topher? Hang on,
come over here. Yeah, he has inner thigh chafing
and anal leakage. What? Shh, shh, shh. I'm trying
to get a little, I'm trying to get, how much
does he need? I don't know, what can you afford?
Here's 300, okay? I'll have more tonight. All
right, Topher, what's a bigger threat? Go ahead,
I'm sorry. All right, which is the bigger threat?
Springtime flash floods, the coming tornado season,
or a celebrity with millions of fans and a bunch
of opinions? A celebrity with millions of fans
and a bunch of opinions. I'm really liking this
new game. What about you guys? Yeah, I am. Yeah,
this one right here, this game might involve
a couple of gummies. I'm not for sure. Rumor
has it, word on the street is maybe this really
potent gummy. Might have made me think weird
shit like that, but I can't confirm that. Cannot
confirm that. All right. What is a bigger threat?
Nuclear war, bioweapons, or Nancy Pelosi getting
drunk and trying to sext you? Oh, my God. I just
threw up in my mouth, guys. Hang on. I'll be
right back. Anything. Oh, my God. Wow. You imagine
her wrinkled tits. Oh. Hanging down to her belly
button. Come here, fella. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, here. Here, I got some ice cream and fucking
vodka. Come on, bitch. Come on. Lick some off
of me. How many acres of meat curtains do you
think she has? Oh, my God. Oh, wow. You'd have
to tie them in like three knots to keep them
from flapping. Steven Tyler's mouth out there.
She could never get on the back of a bike. Her
fucking meat flaps would flap so bad it would
stop all motion. I'm sorry about the vigil, guys.
I'm sorry. Everyone's getting their money's worth
this time, isn't there? Yes, they are. Good thing
they don't pay for it, right? Okay. Is it my
turn? Yes. All right. Which is the bigger threat?
Processed food, NFL halftime shows, or people
who think what they see on TV is real? Ooh. Well,
I want to say halftime shows, but I think people
thinking what they see on TV is real, because
that affects me more. to go against that one.
Yeah, people think stupid shit and then they
act stupidly. And I got to be around it. Yeah,
and I got to be around it. So, as much as the
Super Bowl halftime show is almost a tie, I'm
going to have to go with the stupid people. Yeah,
yeah. Yeah, I got to go with the stupid people
that think the halftime show is stupid. Yeah.
Oh, look at Bad Bunny. Oh, look at that. He fell
through the ceiling, and now he's in a house
of people from Portugal. Isn't that neat? What
does it mean? I don't know. Fucking weird shit.
Okay, all right. What is a bigger threat? Another
pandemic? A giant runaway asteroid? Or another
season of The Masked Singer? Masked singer. Masked
singer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they need to put that
thing to bed. They need to, like, go ahead and
put a bullet in its head and just go ahead and
put it out of its misery. When I see our previews
for that and I see the judges or hosts or whatever,
it must be exhausting to fake that level of excitement
and enthusiasm over something that's just so
simple and so ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like,
the one guy off of the Hangover movies, that
guy, he overacts so much on that. And it's like,
he's like, oh! And it's like, it wasn't that
thrilling. It wasn't that funny, dude. It's like,
come on. Now, when you run around fucking naked
in that movie, it was great. But you doing this,
acting like this is exciting, is not great. You
know? I'm sure that he's enjoying taking all
those checks to the bank and cashing them. But
from my point, there are some things I won't
do, no matter how much money you offer me. I
want to be able to look at my reflection in the
mirror and say, I respect you. I would agree.
I agree. You don't see what's -his -name, the
fucking hairy guy, what's -his -name from the
movies. Clint Eastwood? Yeah. Yeah. You'll see
him taking something like that. You know, he's
smoking a cigarette and fucking going to kill
you if you give him a dirty look. You'll see
him going, oh, my God, that's sick. Oh, I did
not know that was Mike Tyson. Oh, my God. I can't
see Clint Eastwood acting like Deion Sanders
did in those Affleck commercials. Oh, gosh, yeah.
Oh, man, you're talking about a prostitute. Oh,
my God. And then fucking Nick Saban, too. Oh,
my gosh. Yeah, yeah. But Sanders acts worse than
Saban. Saban's just kind of like, he's like the
wise old man. He always says something like,
Aflac means money. Where Dion's marching with
a fucking duck. Yeah. No offense, Rob. No offense.
Rob? Okay. All right. Do you have any more? Is
that it? I've got one more. Oh, okay. Shall I
do it? Yeah. Yes, please. All right. Which is
the bigger threat? Mark Zuckerberg, who recently
wore his VR glasses in court to try to intimidate
the judge. The fake Jim Carrey that they're trying
to pass off on us. Or AI being able to look at
your face through your phone's selfie cam and
tell exactly what you're thinking with over 80
% accuracy? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say AI looking
at you. Although Zuckerberg and what was the
middle one? I'm sorry. The fake Jim Carrey that
they're trying to pass off on us. Okay, what's
the fake Jim Carrey? I'm sorry, I agree with
the last one. I think that that's the biggest
threat of the AI looking at us through our phone
and being able to figure out what we're thinking.
But what is the fake Jim Carrey? I'm unfamiliar.
He showed up at a red carpet event, I think,
last night or very recently. And he looked so
incredibly different that most people are looking
at him and saying, that's not even the same man.
This is a replacement. But you ought to Google
Jim Carrey images and see how he looks now as
compared to how he used to look. I will definitely
do that. Okay. It wouldn't be the first time
something like that happened. Yep. I mean, if
you believe Paul McCartney, if you believe that,
Paul McCartney, you know, was supposedly replaced.
Yeah, right. I'd have a harder time believing
that, though, because you'd have to find somebody
that could sing. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Well, supposedly
Jim Carrey changed his look because he was tired
of being recognized in public and, you know,
playing the thing. same old characters all the
time but i call bs on that because if you're
tired of being recognized in public why are you
publicly showing everybody your brand new face
so we can all recognize you now oh that's a great
point yeah i call bullshit on that too it just
doesn't make sense no it doesn't no i don't believe
that at all there's something else going on i
think wow Okay, all right. I'm going to look
that up, but I say on that one, stay tuned. I
think there's more coming from that. I would
think so, yeah. Okay, all right. Should we take
our first break and come back with some emails?
Yeah. We've got some really good ones, man. They've
upped the bar because we have this new type of
a program going on. There's some good shit in
there, so I want to hear everybody's opinions
on everything. So we will be right back here
in a minute. It's an island of horrible jokes.
Someone took the fifth month out of my calendar.
I'm dismayed. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
So let me see. Let's say I was offended by people
being offended. Then would people being offended
all the time would have to not be offended around
me because I was offended by them being offended?
Hmm. I may never know. This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on the hustle. Today,
we need to focus on the genius Franklin Harris
for inventing the jukebox override. Some dumbass
puts down a hundred on the Melvins to last all
night. No worry, thanks to Mr. Harris. Just put
in a buck a song to override shitty music and
you can be the hero. Mr. Harris, not many stop
to admire your fine work, but we do here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone. Thank you, Mr. Harris,
for being a patriotic, great human being. Hey,
my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash Riptide,
your music news. Sharon Osbourne recently discussed
the constant battle it was to keep Ozzy sober.
One time in Dallas, Sharon was sick of Ozzy's
binge drinking and locked him in his hotel room
naked and took all his clothes so he couldn't
get alcohol from the lobby. Sharon also put a
block on room service. Sharon returned and sure
enough, Ozzy was smashed and had liquor to boot.
This happened several times until Sharon finally
asked Ozzy how he is able to get drinks naked
without clothes to put on. Ozzy said, you didn't
take your clothes away from our room, so I dressed
in drag and I got my drink downstairs. Pretty
genius. Good job, Ozzy. This is Dash Rooktine,
and that was your music news. If it's too loud,
you probably have ear damage, just like me. Two
douchebags and microphone in an effort to keep
everything fresh. We offer you first world problems.
Damn it. I can't decide between nachos, chili,
or wings for the game tonight. This is bullshit.
I should not have to make decisions like this.
Hey there. We all have those annoying co -workers
that do nothing. There's nothing we can do about
it because HR departments are running scared
of lawyers. So we have to work with these worthless
pieces of garbage. But we have to communicate
about them without them knowing about it. Here
at Two Douchebags Microphone, we developed a
way that you can speak about them right in front
of them without them knowing about it. Stay tuned.
Cordless only works 40 minutes. E .T. always
wants to go home. Kit Kat always taking a break.
Muffler always exhausted. Seaweed floats around
all day. Sensor light only works when someone
walks by. Wheelbarrow only works when pushed.
Have you ever wondered what something came about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, hmm,
I wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so
have we. That's why we give you The Origin Of.
The origin of the goatee. The goatee is a beard
style that dates back to ancient Greece and Rome,
and is named for its resemblance to a goat's
beard. The goatee has been worn by many famous
men throughout history, including Uncle Sam,
Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock. The gobham was
often depicted with a goatee, and in medieval
and renaissance art, Satan was depicted with
a goatee as well. The goatee became popular again
in 1940s. as the defining trait of the beatniks
and jazz musicians. It fell out of favor again
in the 1960s, but became fashionable again in
the 1990s and 2000s. The term goatee originated
in the late 20th century. It was originally called
a goatee. Our constant pursuit for a real knee
slapper. It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity. My mom told me to not burn trash.
I am Mark here in the Kansas City Metroplex Extreme
Southern Tip at the Talk is Cheap Studio. in
Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and water track, and also
home of Iqbal Country Store, where you can find
all your needs, including a selfie with the green
St. Clair dinosaur with the big sloth. In the
DuckBot studio. And this is Topher just out of
Waldo. close enough to hear the alleged shootings
that happened in the Ward Parkway Center parking
lot. And I'm in the Paisley Possum studio where
I'm proud to say that even though it's been raining
all day, it is not leaking at all. Very good.
Very cool. So there was a shooting up there at
Ward Parkway again? Not recently, but there have
been. Oh, there's been a few. I hear them, too.
I just blame it on Grandview. Yeah, that could
be. Yeah, whenever I hear a gunshot, I'm like,
Grandview, settle down. All right, we got some
emails, and we got a few of them, and there are
some really good ones, and guys, keep them coming.
There's some good shit in here, and we have our
regulars plus some new people chiming in. So
this is great. This is what we want. All right,
the first one. Hey guys, Executive Order 11110
was in order to abolish the Federal Reserve's
power and make it to where they couldn't loan
or look over the U .S. monetary supply. The theory
is President Kennedy was assassinated seven months
after he did this executive order to limit the
Federal Reserve's power. And anyhow, he went
on to say, I'm not certain. Could you guys maybe
look into this? I love the addition of Topher
to the franchise show. Thank you, Ronnie and
Tulsa, the Tulsa King. And Ronnie and Tulsa is
royalty, Topher. He's been writing for a long
time. I really appreciate him welcoming me back
into the fold here. I'm really having a good
time, and I'm glad so far people like it. the
feedback has been phenomenal. They love it. I
did too. When I first heard it, I'm like, that's
it. That's what we're, this, what we have right
here is what we've been aiming to do the whole
time. This is what, this is it. I feel like Sally
Fields at the Oscar going, they like me. They
really, really like her. Burt Reynolds in the
background going, bitch, get off the stage. Bitch,
this ain't your show. This is mine. All right.
Okay. I went ahead and looked this up. It said,
no, President John F. Kennedy did not halt or
abolish the Federal Reserve System. The theory
that Executive Order 11110 was an attempt to
strip the Federal Reserve of its power or issue
currency independent of it. It's a persistent
miss. that's been going on. In reality, the order
was a technical adjustment to manage silver reserves
and actually empowered the issuance of silver
certificates through the Treasury. So that's
how come they can give out silver certificates
now instead of silver. That was this Executive
Order 11110. Ah, okay. And it wasn't replacing
the Federal Reserve's primary authority. What
it really kind of did was it enhanced the authority.
So, no, that wasn't the reason he was, you know,
shot. That was not the reason. I think you can
look at the guy that was vice president for that,
probably, allegedly. Lyndon B. Johnson, the guy
who used to win a lot of arguments by throwing
his humongous penis on the table. Is it bigger
than the dinosaur? You know what? I don't know.
It would be close. slam it on the table so hard
it would shake the table, and everyone would
go, all right, Mr. President, you won. Don't
wave that thing anywhere near me. Yeah, he has
like... I'll vote your way. Don't take that thing
near me. Yeah, I agree with you 100%. Look the
other way, please. Thank you. All right, the
next one. Rob, could you crochet some bass lures
for me in the volunteer fire department? I would
also like a loincloth. I'm learning how to embroider.
I'm going to mark a muzzle. Bitch. Anyhow. Mitch,
the guy that pissed on the burnt district monument
in front of Cass County Courthouse. Jail and
municipal offices. All right, Mitch, you redeemed
yourself. Yes, he did. Yeah, by pissing on that.
God -awful monument. Did I ever tell you about
the monument, Topher, that's out in front of
the Cass County Courthouse on 2 Highway? I don't
think so. Okay. Oh. Okay, a little back story.
I've got to tell you this here real quick. Okay.
The Burt District in history, it was a response
to the Bushwhackers and the Jayhawkers. The Bushwhackers
were Missouri. And the Jayhawks, the Civil War,
and the Jayhawkers, of course, were Kansas. They
burned down Lawrence, and they knew they were
going to get retaliation. So what the Bushwhackers
did was they burnt that whole area around Harrisonville
so they could see the Jayhawkers coming and kill
them before they got there. And they call that
the Burnt District. They wanted to put up a monument,
a statue for this burnt district. So do you know
what they came up with, Topher? That's bound
to be something really stupid, like maybe somebody
on fire? A fireplace. A fireplace. Yes, a giant
fireplace. Yeah. Yeah. Gosh. It is the stupidest
fucking monument I've ever seen in my life. And
everybody wonders why I moved out of Cass County.
I did too. It's like reaching for the sugar in
your cabinet and grabbing the charcoal briquette
instead. This is fine. This will work. Here,
throw that on my cereal. Oh, God. Yeah. Maybe
they just turned the job over to some AI and
didn't double check it. That's it. They're like,
hey, AI. Hey, Gemini, come here. Yeah, what?
Make us a burnt district monument. Hmm. Burnt.
Okay. Fireplace. Yeah. Yeah. So, anyhow. All
right. Oh, Rob, are you going to, I mean, even
though he's going to make me a muzzle, are you
going to teach him how to crochet? In my spare
time. And give him a loincloth, too? Yeah, in
my spare time, I will. Okay. For that one, I
have to. Alright, Mitch, number one, fuck you.
Number two, great job pissing on that monument.
Oh, and number three, fuck you. Oh, and number
four, fuck you. Alright. Hey, guys. I love you,
Mitch. Mitch, you're a penis face. Mitch is a
clit. He's a little bitty love bean. All right.
Hey, guys. Wasp is coming by Dallas, too, on
this current tour. Maybe you all forget Tulsa
and come down here. We could meet up and drink
at the spots in Deep Elm, Rossington, and Dallas.
Ross, thank you, but the tickets are already
bought. And also the hotel room's already bought.
So, yeah. And besides, I love the Tulsa Theater.
I watched Wasp there a couple years ago. It is
a fantastic place. It's a lot like the Uptown
Theater. A lot like it. and it's a really cool
place. But Ross, if we ever make it to Dallas,
and I'm sure we will, hopefully all of us together,
but if not, then I'd love to meet up with you.
You've been a fan of this show since day one,
and we love you, Ross, or Rossington. He's called
by both. I've noticed this. Whenever he says
Rossington, it's from Dallas. Whenever he says
Ross, it's from Texas. I don't know what that's
about, but it's cool. If you want to explain
it, Rossington or Ross, send us an email. Alright,
next one. Are you guys going to change the name
now? It's mostly Three Douchebags. Little Tim
in Alabama. No? Nope. We'll have to figure out
a way to work me in as a half douchebag or something.
Here's what I thought about doing is taking the
regular intro on the regular douchebag show and
whatever Topher's on it, every time it says two
douchebags in the microphone, someone yells over
three. Oh, that would work. Yeah. And it'd just
be the same thing, only enhanced. Every time
they go two douchebags, go three. And then just
leave it like that. So it'll be something like
that. I guarantee you, something stupid. Next
one. Help. I need a strong apple pie recipe for
my in -laws' anniversary dinner. Please and thank
you. You're the best. Zoe in Iowa City. Yeah,
I have a really, really, really good one. It's
called Banquet. Oh, it is fucking delicious.
And the cool thing is, is all you got to do is
warm it up. I prefer Mrs. Smith's. Oh, wait,
hang on, hang on. Mrs. Smith's, I'm sorry. You
know what, I should have bought that. Okay, yeah,
yeah. Okay, so is that your entry, Rob? What
about you, Topher? Yeah. I would say probably
go to the grocery store and buy one of the freshly
made ones there. Yeah. You can pretend you made
it fresh. You just kind of warm it, you know,
from room temperature. You know what? There's
a whole lot of ice cream on it. How well do you
like your in -laws, I think, is the whole question.
Yeah. If you don't like them, get Banquet, like
I suggested. If you kind of like them, get a
Mrs. Smith's. And if you really like them, go
down to the Hen House and grab a freshly made
Tippin's pie. Oh, yeah, those are good. Yeah,
so there you go. Oh, and also, make your own
whipped cream, too. And make sure they know it.
Like, send them a picture of you, like, stirring
the whipped cream. Yeah, yeah. All right, next
one. Okay, a little back story. Every now and
then we do this question of the week, okay? And
I forgot who it was, but they said the first
time they hung out with Warren Buffett was he
bought dinner, he bought lunch. And this is at
McDonald's and he paid with coupons. And the
question was, was that frugal or was it cheap?
Okay, so this guy, here's what's happening. We're
getting all kinds of answers from different shows
that people listen to. We have like five different
ones, like Superstitions and a couple other ones.
And they periodically answer them through the
emails because this guy obviously heard this
last week, that episode. Okay, so he answered
it. And anyhow, okay, so let's see. He said,
I think Warren Buffett is a cheap piece of shit.
Pay McDonald's and coupons. Sheesh. Lilly in
New Brunswick. I'm going to say cheap, too. I
mean, you know, I mean, there's frugal, but that's
way beyond frugal, don't you think? the problem
is he's making other people wait while they deal
with his coupons. And plus, with all the money
he's got, it wouldn't be a bad thing to get a
little more of it back into circulation. So,
why not go ahead and pay full price and just
move on with your life? I agree. Good point.
Yeah. The time you wasted is probably worth more
than the time you, you know, than, you know,
than just fucking paying for it. Just paying
for it, he'd never miss that fucking ten bucks
or whatever. But that time, he'll never get back.
So I agree 100%. All right. Hey, guys, not trying
to get dark here, but I've read some reports
about this and want your opinion. Paramedics,
doctors, surgeons, and so forth say that one
can smell death. Do you guys believe this to
be true? Ronnie in Tulsa, the Tulsa King. Yes,
he did write two times, but the other one was
left over from last week that I forgot to download.
You guys go ahead and I've thought about this
and I've got a story about it. So go ahead. I
for one believe in it. I believe it happens.
I've heard many stories about it. Yeah, I'll
go along with that. I've had some experience
myself with kind of slow progressive diseases,
and at a certain point, there's just a smell
about them that you can tell they're near the
end. I remember back in the 80s when AIDS was
kind of a new thing, and Rock Hudson was hiding
the fact that he had AIDS. Oh, yeah. There was
a magazine article, one of his friends saying,
I was standing next to him on the stage at an
awards show, and you could just... smell the
death on him you could he smelled like death
wow so yeah i think that's a real thing and i
do too and i've got a great story a friend of
mine that i worked with for many years and i'm
still friends with him but he moved to florida
so i don't get to talk to him nearly as much
joaquin he um came from cuba and he came over
on a raft and uh He was building a highway for
Castro. Castro came over there and told that
whole people in that village they lived at, they
said, you all are going to be building this freeway
tomorrow morning. So my friend Joaquin was talking
to someone on the roadway while they're building
it, and I guess that guy mouthed off about Castro,
and Castro found out about it. So because Joaquin
was talking to him, he took both of them. They
figured it out three months later, and they let
Joaquin go, my friend, right? They're like, all
right, you didn't have anything to do with it,
but this guy, they probably killed him. I don't
know what they did with the other guy. So as
soon as he got home, you know, his family thought
he was dead. They're like, oh, you're still alive.
He goes, yeah. He goes, fucking, you know, they
took me for no reason, all that stuff. So the
first thing he did was he said, come on. He knew
where they're launching a raft to get to. to
the Keys of Florida, right? It's like 40 miles
away from Cuba. And so he said there's some older
people on that raft, and they were like about
dead because hypothermia or something. I don't
know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He said you knew who was
going to die because the sharks would be over
there swimming around that area. Oh. So sharks
can smell death. And he said that the sharks
also knew that you had to throw them in the water,
that you couldn't let this person sit there and
just be dead next to you, rotting, you know.
Yeah, so when you throw them over in the water,
the sharks ate them. But the sharks knew they
never came around unless someone was about dead.
Yeah, so I'm going to say yes. Ronnie, what a
great question. Wasn't that a great question?
Yeah, it was. Very much. All right, and then
finally, I recently won a free year of SiriusXM
Satellite Radio. When did Howard Stern get so
hateful? This guy that used to not give a shit
because he became a hateful troll. I will never
turn that horrible show on again. Josh and Reno.
Okay. Someone can be funny and hateful at the
same time and I always viewed him like that myself.
True, true. I never thought he was a very pleasant
person ever. He did say some funny stuff but
I thought the staff around him was much funnier
than he was. But yeah, I think he was hateful
all the time. I just think now he's just not
funny at all. He's just fucking hateful. Anyone
else? It seems like he's using a certain audience.
Whatever seems to be the popular way to present
his show at the time. He used to use a lot more
humor, like you said, but now I think people
tune in because they want the hate and they want
to hear him say nasty, horrible things and they
don't want any positivity. I think people get
opposed off of hating stuff, and they don't want
any fun, lighthearted things messing it up. Okay.
Yeah, I never really listened to him. I mean,
I listened to him a few times, but I'm not big
on him. No, I never was either. I never listened
to him that much either. I always thought he
was really overrated. But, anyhow, I thought
there was much other shows, much other better
shows, even some local shows that were better
than him. So... Yeah. And there's quite a few
of them, too. Howard Sparrow, he seemed to take
one gimmick and just hammer that repeatedly.
That was all there was to him. Yeah, I didn't
appreciate the... Well, just what you just said.
was he would hammer something relentlessly, and
it's like, all right, we got it, move on. Yeah.
So, okay, well, all right, that's the end of
the emails. How about if you two do a story,
each one of you, and then we're going to go to
the second break, and then we'll come back and
I got something. All right. All right, sounds
good. All right. Whoever's next, go ahead. All
right. You mind if I go October? No, go right
ahead, please. All right. Well, I'm going to
go with a Rob's Bag of Garbage. Yay! Greatest
segment in the history of mankind. And it is
a new Kickamo's Bag. Yay! Yay! The home of the
green dinosaur with the huge penis. Rob tripped
on it and he almost broke his elbow. Yeah, yeah,
that hurt. I know, were you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I shook it off. Yeah, did you tell... I had ice
for a little while. Did you tell him to pick
up Dino's penis after that? Oh, three of the
women were laughing at me as I did it. Did you
flip it over his back so it won't trip anybody?
Yes, I had to. Okay, good. I'm sorry, Rob. Go
ahead. Okay, an astronaut aboard the International
Space Station once made a tool that wasn't available
on board. Instead of waiting for a resupply mission,
NASA worked with Made in Space. to create a digital
design and transmit the file directly to the
station. The astronaut then used the ISS 3D printer
to manufacture the tool, marking the first time
an object was produced in space from a design
file sent from Earth on demand, a milestone for
in -orbit manufacturing and future deep space
missions. Wow. Nice. It would be interesting
to have factories in orbit. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm.
Okay, let's go for one more. All righty. Yep.
Okay, I'm going to stumble over the name a little
bit. Okay. Welcome to Marley, Nebraska. Babelsnatch,
Nebraska. Babelsnatch, Nebraska. Where the population
is one. Meet Elise Eiler, the only resident.
She is the mayor and the clerk and the treasurer
and the librarian. Every year she holds an election
and wins unanimously. to apply for a liquor license.
So she sits down as the tavern owner, fills out
the application, and hands it to the mayor herself.
Then she reviews it, signs it, and approves her
own permit so she can keep serving burgers and
beer. I want to see video of this happening.
But the most genius part is the taxes. with the
state of Nebraska every single year so she could
secure state funding to keep the town's three
streetlights turned on. It is the only place
in the world where you can't complain about the
government because you are the government. I'd
be writing myself letters every day. Dear Mayor
and City Council. Fuck, that's pretty cool. All
right, Coper, go ahead. All righty. Can anyone
just, like, start a town and become the mayor
and everything? I mean, I'll just go build a
house. You know what? I'll put New Guy on that
next episode. Okay, we're going to make New Guy
do that, okay? Oh, he flipped me off. Fuck you,
new guy. You're doing it. Now get out of here,
bitch. All right, anyhow, go ahead. I have an
update on the story about the British award show,
the BAFTA award. Okay. The British ceremony for...
film awards have been under fire in recent days
after 54 -year -old John Davidson, a documentary
filmmaker who has Tourette's Syndrome, loudly
shouted the N -word at stars Michael B. Jordan
and Delroy Lindo, of the stars of the movie Sinners,
as they presented the first award of the evening.
John is a renowned Tourette's campaigner and
is the inspiration behind the movie I Swear,
which was nominated at the BAFTA. He was diagnosed
with Tourette's syndrome at age 25, with his
symptoms including tics and outbursts, often
involving cursing. The star -studded audience
was informed about John's condition by a floor
manager ahead of the ceremony, with guests being
warned that they may hear some involuntary noises
or movement. John could be heard cursing and
shouting throughout the first half of the ceremony.
But the most shocking moment of the night was
when Michael and Delroy took the stage at the
very start of the evening to present the Best
Visual Effects Award. Good evening. Delroy and
I are delighted to be presenting the first chapter
of the night for a vital part of moviemaking,
Michael began. And it was at this point that
John shouted out the N -word. Both stars visibly
froze before taking a beat to compose themselves.
Delroy then continued, we are here to celebrate
the artist's success. the BBC broadcast is being
widely criticized for allowing the moment to
be broadcast, despite the show being pre -recorded
and airing on a two -hour delay. For reference,
while the BBC did not cut the moment that Michael
and Delroy had the offensive slur thrown at them,
Wow. Wow. I wondered why it was so loud. I'm
actually repulsed. It literally feels orchestrated,
somebody else wrote. And another added, why does
the BBC think it was a good idea to put a microphone
near where he was seated? It feels like they
wanted something like this to happen in order
to publicize the show more. And they promised
John they would edit anything out, one more commented.
Do they have any idea what they've done to these
three men? John has the world hating him, thinking
he's a bigot. such a hideous viral moment where
they were humiliated and viral moments never
die. So that's the current situation with the
BBC. It just keeps getting worse. It sure does.
Wow. Well, that's when they start doing shit
like that. I mean, that's... To me, that's why
I don't like much TV anymore is because they
pick and choose what they want you to hear and
feel and all that, you know? Yeah, and it really
seems like they're, I don't know if it really
is taking that much to get a thrill out of people,
but they're really pushing boundaries on a lot
of things to try to be more gross or more disgusting
or more bizarre than the other shows on the other
network. Yeah. And they're driving some people
away. TV completely. Like you were saying, I'm
about ready to cancel all of my TV providers
and just strictly go to streaming. To be honest,
I mean, I would cancel all mine right now, but
I have other people in the household that watch
TV. That's true. I only watch a little bit of
the local news. Other than that, I get everything
else online, and I have my own sources I get
it from because I know the ones that are skewed.
Which is most of them. Yep. Right. Yeah. So anyhow.
All right. Let's take our second break. And I've
got a little story. Well, it's kind of like a,
you know what? I'll just talk about it when we
get back. Two douchebags and a microphone. There
is no escape. Enter at your own risk. You will
not make it out. Run while you still can. Bitches.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the
scrotum, two douchebags and a microphone. Since
the dawn of time, weird shit has happened. Strange
occurrences, unexplained phobias, and other odd
happenings. Over the next minute, we would like
to bring you odd, rare phobias and conditions.
Red ear syndrome is a rare, often chronic neurological
disorder characterized by intense... burning
pain and intense redness in one or both external
ears. Attacks last from seconds to hours, often
triggered by touching, heat, or movement, and
are frequently associated with migraine or cervical
spine issues. While usually harmless, it is often
difficult to treat, though it might respond to
migraine meds. Hey there, slap nuts. It's time
for The Creeps Music News. Hey, my little pumpkin
seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol with your music
news. John Karabi, former lead singer of Motley
Crue and The Scream, has a new album coming out
on April 24th called New Day. You can pre -order
the album online. The effort features guitars
like Richard Fortis from Guns N' Roses, Paul
Taylor from winger Steve Perry, On keyboards,
Marty Freckerson, producer of Multi -Instrumentalist,
and Charlie Starr from Blackberry Smoke on guitar
solos, alongside Evan Freckerson on drums and
bass. This should be a pretty good album. Sure
has a lot of talent to go with it. This is Johnny
Rohypnol. That was your music news, and remember,
bar chords are bullshit. Your mama is like the
sun, big, round, and hard. Strange, but true.
Family guy creator Seth MacFarlane missed American
Airlines flight 11 on September 11, 2001. Didn't
you lay a hangover? He later found out when he
woke up that the plane was hijacked and crashed.
Hi all, this is Chicago. I am the most dangerous
city in North America. You can't touch me. Oh,
yeah? This is Kansas City here. Hold my beer,
bitch. And now we look in on the adventures of
the technical explanation guy. Why, excuse me,
my dear sir. Could you please direct me to the
nearest self -employed person in a motorized
vehicle that will transport me where I ask them
to in exchange for money and a tip? Do you mean
an Uber ride? Why, yes. Yes, I do mean an Uber
ride. Then just say an Uber ride, you dumb motherfucker.
And why are you constantly following me around
asking me stupid questions? Fucking idiot. Hey,
if you're a fan of paying way too much for trinkets
and food, well, your wish is coming true. Kansas
City International Airport Guest Pass program
is starting today. Yes, you too could overspend
on workless trinkets and $15 cups of coffee.
You want to buy a $50 cheap t -shirt that has
KC Western Auto Building image on it? We got
you covered. Want a barbecue sauce gift pack?
No problem. Just a mere $40 and you're first
born. Hurry. You know rubes are jumping all over
to get to this complete ripoff. Because people
are sheep. of the Kansas City Metroplex and surrounding
areas at the Talk is Cheap studio. historic Waldo,
Missouri, and sitting in the Paisley Possum studio
where I think I finally located the source of
that funky smell. It seems to be coming from
my trash can, so I think I can fix that. Oh,
okay, like my piss jug. Oh, yeah, I tell you.
I kept walking in here going, man, I... I must
have left some food out somewhere. Oh, my God,
what is that rank smell? Then finally I'm like,
oh, yeah, I remember. I was doing a podcast and
I had to piss. And I had this Gatorade jug with
a wide mouth, you know. I'm like, perfect. And
then I sealed it up really good and set it down
and forgot about it. And, boy, I'll tell you
what, that, ew. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they'll let
you know. Yeah, they'll let you know, yeah. And
also, pee coagulates after a while, too. Yeah,
it comes out like chewing gum almost. Anyhow.
All right. This whole next article here originated
because I was watching the NFL Network. Okay,
so Monday Night Football, it used to be so cool.
Now we have Buck and it ached my ears. Okay.
I was just saying. You know, I was just thinking
about NFL's golden years with Howard Cosell,
Dandy, Don Meredith, and Frank Gifford. Yeah.
So I was watching NFL replay of Monday Night
Football this last season. I couldn't help but
notice how uptight that broadcast has become.
You know, so I had to refresh my memories, and
I found some cool things on Monday Night Football
during the golden years. Okay? So in 1987. Danding
on Meredith was back on Monday Night Football
after he took a leave of absence. Cosell reintroduced
the former Dallas Cowboys quarterback to the
audience. Meredith said, I missed you and planted
a big kiss on Cosell's left cheek. Cosell didn't.
He said, I didn't know you cared. And then Meredith
said, ick, and started wincing. So, one camera
operator found a guy in the end zone. Just as
Jim Forte, the Monday Night Football field director,
ordered a zoom in, the man looked straight in
the camera and flashed the middle finger to America.
Cosell was... I looked this up. It was so fucking
funny. The guy looked mad as hell that they focused
in on him. And he just fucking flips the bird.
And Cosell was uncharacteristically speechless
because he always had something to say, and he
was like, uh. So Meredith chimed in. How about
that, Howard? He's saying you're number one.
So Howard stated that there was ties in the NFL
on a game that was well into overtime. Don says
a tie is like kissing your sister. And Howard
said, depends on what your sister looked like.
That's pretty wrong. They couldn't do any of
this nowadays, you know. But that's funny. Howard
Cosell coming in going, yeah, it depends on what
your sister looked like. I'm pretty sure everybody
else, I got to look at it, but I'm pretty sure
everyone else in the booth was like, uh. And
we're on the 50 -yard line. And then here's some
famous sayings that Dandy Don Meredith said,
because Dandy Don Meredith was really, he was
quick -witted. He was a former quarterback, but
he was a better broadcaster. He was so quick
-witted and funny that he would just keep you
rolling the whole broadcast by saying just off
-the -wall stuff. They did a little vote on some
of the stuff that he said, Dandy Don Meredith.
Number one was, we had many discussions, but
I wasn't listening. That was Don Meredith on
his relationship with Tom Landry. The second
highest voted one, he stays out late, he visits
interesting places, and he tips great. Don Meredith
on wishing his next life that he was a quarterback
for playboy Bobby Lane's chauffeur. And that
was a quarterback, Bobby Lane. I remember him.
Yeah, I do too. And Don Meredith said in his
next life that he wanted to be his chauffeur.
I should see that. I could too. The third highest
rated one was, I didn't vote for you. But you
do have a nice suit on. That was Don Meredith
when former Vice President Spiro Agnew visited
the Monday Night Football booth. Oh, my gosh.
I like that. I didn't vote for you, but that's
a nice suit. The number four most rated one that
people liked was, these are Dandy Don Meredith's
quotes. If you needed four yards, you'd give
the ball to Garrison. and he'd get you four yards.
If you needed 20 yards, you'd give the ball to
Garrison, and he'd get you four yards. Don Meredith
on Walt Garrison. Oh my gosh. This is my favorite
number five here. I can't believe it went as
low as number five, but Tom Landry is such a
perfectionist that if he were married to Dolly
Parton, he would expect her to cook. Another,
another one. And that's why they called him Dandy
Don Meredith, because that guy was funnier than
hell. Yeah, he was. Yeah, this is just a little
sample piece of the stuff that he said. He said
a lot more things than that. And he did several
of them in a broadcast. And I couldn't help but
compare it to, you listen to... buck and ache
my ears, and you're like, oh my gosh. They're
so sterile. Yeah, they are pretty sterile. They're
not allowed to be anymore. They're probably...
I've heard Joe Buck on shows, and he's really
humorous, so you're probably right. They don't
want him to be humorous. Every time he does get
humorous, you hear about him in the headlines.
Yeah, you know, you're right. They're jumping
all over it. Yeah, so, yeah, it is what it is,
I guess. All right, who's got another story?
And also, I have to ask this, is everybody good?
Do you want to keep going, or is it 921? I've
got one more. Okay, go ahead, guys. and a Hummer
for a steep hill climb. Both were marketed as
serious off -roaders that should be able to handle
terrain without too much drama. So when they
faced off on a sharp incline, it looked like
at least a fair test. But it didn't quite unfold
that way. In the video posted to Facebook, full
throttle, the Tesla Cybertruck and the Hummer
sat at the base of the steep dirt hill, ready
to take on the ascent. As soon as they started,
however, Both vehicles surged forward, but almost
immediately the Cybertruck appeared to struggle
for grip. Its wheels started spinning early,
and it couldn't build enough momentum to carry
it up the slope. The EV made it up about halfway
before losing momentum and having to reverse
back down the hill. There even appeared to be
some kind of stall or hesitation, as if it simply
couldn't gather what it needed to finish the
climb. Carrying forward in the same way, however,
the Hummer driver took a different approach.
It turned around and attempted the hill climb
in reverse. It not only got farther than the
Cybertruck, but managed to reverse all the way
up the hill and over the top. The Cybertruck
is often positioned as a bold, capable EV that
can handle tough terrain. A steep incline like
this is exactly the kind of test it's meant to
pass. Yet in this case, the defining image isn't
the futurist truck charging to the summit. It's
the Hummer reversing its way to victory. Right
on. Wow. Any chance to take a poke at the most
ridiculous car ever marketed to the American
public? Yeah, and now the price of them went
down to a fifth of what it used to be. And everyone
that paid that... the astronomical price, their
resale value went to shit. Yeah, they were so
pissed. Now they owe like triple what the car
is worth anymore. And now those vehicles are
really easily declared totaled by their insurance
company. Wow, you're right. I never thought about
that. And then they're paying on a $100 ,000
vehicle that's been totaled. And they gave you
$30 ,000 for it because that's all it's worth
now. Wow. Yeah, that's fucked up. Thank you,
Topher. And if you didn't buy insurance on your
auto loan, then you still have to pay off the
rest of that auto loan in a lot of cases. Yeah,
yeah. If you didn't have gap insurance, absolutely,
you'll be paying it. Wow. Yeah, go. Nice. Cool.
Thank you, Rob. Yeah, there you go. That's actually
a pretty happy thought to think about, you know.
Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah. We go out on a good
note. Yep, there we go. All right, well, that
being said, thank you, everybody, for listening.
You really, I mean, once I took off the little
AI tag that didn't belong there. We started getting
downloads again, which I'm very happy about.
But it's mainly because all of you fine people
out there that listen to this program. And we
so appreciate you spreading the word. And it's
really working. And go fuck yourself. Thank you,
everybody. Seriously. If it wasn't for our listeners,
we'd still be doing this. Yeah, we would. Out
of boredom. Yeah. So, with that being said, good
night, assholes. And from Topher in the Paisley
Possum Studios, I want to thank everyone for
listening and downloading and keep sending in
the emails. And don't forget about the Dinner
with the Douchebags contest, which will be coming
up announced not too distant future. Yeah. And,
yeah, go crawl up your own asshole. Yep, and
remember what I said. Go fuck yourself. Have
a good night, everybody. Thank you. Bye. Bye.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark
has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.