Well, well, well. We see you made it back. That's
right. It's time for your favorite podcast, Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, live from the historic
river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri,
but only on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays.
Otherwise, you get live from the Duck Wine Studio
in Wheatland, Missouri, and the Talk is Cheap
studio from Extreme Southern Tent for the Kansas
City Metroplex and the surrounding areas. Let's
grab a seat and see what kind of garbage they
throw at us today. Enjoy. Welcome again. We're
happy you chose us. Come on in. Wash yourself
off. Would you enjoy a bourbon and coke? There's
a liquor store down the road. If you go, I need
rolling papers. Well, since you're here, let's
get this daily douchebag pledge out of the way.
All right, bitches, swing your hips and pelvic
thrust. Shout it out with me. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to download every podcast.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to make all
friends, family members, and workmates download
this show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to
grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
we must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the Fudge Factory. Yes, there's
a Fudge Factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Hey there. We all have those
annoying co -workers that do nothing. There's
nothing we can do about it because HR departments
are running scared of lawyers. So we have to
work with these worthless pieces of garbage.
But we have to communicate about them without
them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak
about them right in front of them without them
knowing about it. Stay tuned. Cordless only works
40 minutes. E .T. always wants to go home. Kit
Kat always taking a break. Muffler always exhausted.
Seaweed floats around all day. Sensor light only
works when someone walks by. Wheelbarrow only
works when pushed. Hey peeps, it's time for the
police blotter. That's right, stories about stupid
criminals. and the dumbassness that ensued. Let
us begin now. An Ohio man was arrested after
authorities said he mistakenly sent a baggie
of crystal meth through a tube at a bank drive
-thru last week. Jason G. Smith, 46, was cuffed
on December the 3rd. After a swift investigation
in... To an unexpected deposit, he made at the
bank in Woodsfield, Ohio, according to a press
release from Monroe County Sheriff's Office.
Smith drove away from the bank without realizing
his mistake. An employee reported the baggie
he left. He was picked up on a drug charge soon
after. Hey, look! I think we found land! Oh my
God, I think we're safe! Oh no! It's the Island
of Horrible Jokes! Elevator music is horrible.
On so many levels. And now we look in on the
adventures of the technical explanation guy.
Excuse me, my dear sir. Could you please direct
me to the nearest self -employed person in a
motorized vehicle that will transport me where
I ask them to in exchange for money and a tip?
Do you mean an Uber ride? Well, yes. Yes, I do
mean an Uber ride. Then just say an Uber ride,
you dumb motherfucker. And why are you constantly
following me around asking me stupid questions?
Fucking idiot. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio, and here are my fantastic
goat noises. And I am Rob here in Wheatland,
Missouri, home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway
and Water Track, and also home of Hickam Oak
Country Store, where you can find all your needs.
including a selfie with a green Sinclair dinosaur
in the Doug Barnes studio. That's with a huge
penis. The dinosaur. Yes. Huge penis. Yes. All
right. This is Topher. I'm in the newly renamed
Paisley Possum Studios. I'm proud to announce
that I've gotten most of the spiders killed.
And it's actually being kind of nice down here.
Topher, I understand. I'm in a loft at a 120
-year -old house, okay? I understand. I'm looking
at my dauberness. Topher, didn't it used to be
called something else besides possum? Yeah, I
started out with the no -filter studio. Yeah.
Somebody else already has that. Bastard. I changed
it to the awkward possum. Okay, that makes sense.
Oh, that is cool. Right on. Okay. No, I do know
this. Yeah, I've always liked Brad Paisley. So
he must be good. Yeah, I agree. All right, well,
I'm going to start off with my monologue, then
we're going to go to Rob, and then we're going
to go to you. Sound good? Sounds good. All right.
All right, with the release of the Epstein Files,
you owe your favorite conspiracy theorist an
apology, including me. Secondly... If we don't
make a stand as Americans, we are doomed. We
cannot let all this looting, theft, and pilfering,
gerrymandering, and constant diversion stay as
it is. The Clintons both were called for testimony
as part of the huge Lolita Island bust. I'm personally
appalled at the number of idiots that still support
these two crooks. And this is non -denominational.
I'm not Democrat or Republican, either one. This
is fucking decency and common sense, people.
Decency and common sense. It doesn't have a D
or an R in front of it. So, you know, they're
called to testify, and they're not doing it as
far as I know. I remember plain as day Slick
Willie on his pulpit, chastising the public about
not having a sexual relationship with that woman,
later to be impeached. That says a lot right
fucking there. So, people trusted... Okay, so
how about that perverted piece of shit Bill Gates?
No wonder his wife got away with him with a fortune.
This garbage can of alleged human being was trying
to slip his wife antibiotics to cover up his
infidelity. People trusted this asshole with
a vaccine? How in the fuck did this nerdy shitbag
get in charge of everybody's health? How did
that happen? Anybody have an answer? Well, I
don't. I think the Netherlands has kind of gotten
clued in more than everyone else because I believe
the Netherlands has just indicted Bill Gates
for false and misleading statements about the
COVID vaccine. Oh, I'll have to look that up.
Thank you. Thank you, Topher. Yeah, I've been
getting quite a bit of fake news in my feed,
but this one looks like it might be true. I hope
so. I mean, this guy, he couldn't even get it
out of the way of chlamydia or whatever filth
he brought home to his wife. And they trusted
him. Actually, it was probably fucking Biden
and Fauci are probably the ones that let him
in on it. So, anyhow. The former Prince Andrew
was shockingly arrested. This was Fallout from
the Epstein Island. Yeah, that piece of shit,
too. I know I'm a little serious and a little
dark, but all this shit needs to be said. Okay.
Okay. On February 19, 2026, a former Prince Andrew,
Andrew Montabandon, Montabandon, Windsor, or
whatever the fuck it is, was arrested, some obnoxious
ass name, was arrested by police on suspicion
of misconduct in public office. The arrest relates
to allegations that he shared confidential information
with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein while
serving as a UK trade envoy. He was released
from custody the same day while investigations
continue. So, now, not only do I want convictions,
but all the sensitive information that the creep
gathered to honeypot high -profile people, who
was behind it? What country do we owe a huge
ass -kicking to, is what I'm saying. Where did
this come from? It didn't come from Epstein.
He had orders from above him. Who are those pieces
of shit? And who do we have to go find and lynch
that motherfucker? Or all of them? Is this the
elite? Is this the deep state? Is this all these
fucks that we've heard about for so long? Another
conspiracy theory that we probably owe another
apology to? Anybody have any idea on that? Any
thoughts? I would not be surprised if this was
definitely an international kind of thing, something
above the country level. You know, I don't think
any country or union of countries really is in
charge. I think it's people who are kind of on
the outside of all of this, the money and the
power to influence. And I think all of what we
see is the puppet show. Right. I agree. I agree.
Yeah, it's much above just the United States.
It's much above everything. Yeah. So I get the
feeling like Bill Gates and Fauci and some of
these other types are probably a part of this,
possibly, of this upper regimen or whatever,
if you will, this shadow government, whatever.
Do what? up yeah yep that's true they had to
have some type of doctors in the area think about
it yeah yeah okay well um that's what i got so
anyhow um you guys continue um go into what you
guys want to talk about and we'll come back around
okay okay well i'm gonna start off on a lighter
note okay that's cool Well, I've been wanting
to do this for a while, and I thought with Topher
aboard, it'd probably be the perfect opportunity
to. I know you have, yeah. Well, this is out
of Pulaski County, Missouri. Okay. This is down
around Fort Leonard Wood, St. Robert area. Yeah.
Waynesville. Okay. You know where I'm talking
about. Okay. Yep. Okay. This is no joke. The
department requests the public's help in identifying
the person in a January 25th social media post
where they reported that the suspect had stolen
women's undergarments and a life -size silicone
booty from the Buckhorn, Missouri business. That's
pretty good. He said the lion bin several times.
That's not curiosity. That's premeditated booty
behavior the department added. Yeah, the funny
thing is, I had ties to that area, and that makes
it so much funnier. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah,
that's fitting. Yeah, that's... That's beautiful.
And the link was still purple. You know how they
turn purple when you've already clicked? Uh -huh.
Yeah. And I got to the story, and the story's
different. Oh, wow. Got some things removed from
it that I've never seen that before. It's where
I looked at the same story later, and it looks
exactly the same. The layout's the same. The
picture's the same. Everything's just... That
is weird. Wow. Yeah. So someone went in there
and edited in the time that you were gone and
came back to it. Yep. Fuck. That's great. I know.
Wow. It's like, even, you know how they used
to say if it's on the internet it's there forever?
Well, no it ain't. No. No it ain't. Wow. That's
kind of scary. That's scary as hell. Something
I've noticed is that since the Epstein Files
came out, I've noticed a big upsurge in the fake
news stories getting my news feed. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I have too. It's gone up, and they're
trying to make sure we can't trust what we see.
Yes. So jaded. It's like, I don't know what to
believe. I don't believe anything. So this is
psychological warfare. to soften the blow of
the Epstein files. I agree. And guess what? Now
the UFO files get released. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, anything to bring us away
from that. All of a sudden. All of a sudden.
Yep. Couldn't do it for all these years. And
then suddenly, everybody's wanting convictions.
And it's like, hey, look over there. Look at
the UFO files. They just came open. Yeah. They
fell on the ground and broke open. What the fuck?
Yep. Same thing they've been doing for years.
My opinion. Maybe one of these days they'll need
a distraction and we'll get all the Kennedy assassination
files opened up. Oh yeah, those are next. Well,
Trump did promise to do that, actually. He did
promise to do that. Oh, that's right. Yeah. He
said he's going to open up all the files. Yeah.
Yep. Even the pedophiles. Okay. All right. On
the Bill Gates thing I mentioned earlier, I went
ahead and looked it up, and this also has got
the smell of fake news, because the thing I saw
was the RFK Jr. giving a speech about how Bill
Gates is under indictment by the Netherlands.
So here I looked it up a little deeper, and it
turns out this is from about two years ago. and
it's a civil lawsuit, not a criminal indictment.
Oh, damn it. Okay. Okay. There's like a tiny
little piece of truth behind it, but that's all
it is. A couple years ago, he was hit with a
civil suit, and he tried to get it dismissed
and lost that motion. But who knows where the
process is now. Yeah. In late 2024, instead of
Dutch court rules, move forward in the Dutch
legal system. So who knows where it is in the
process. Well, I mean... Gates lawyers are trying
to do everything to slow it down. Oh, I'm sure.
I'm sure. So, like, if that sets a precedent,
then that's going to be interesting to see where
that goes. More people could probably sue him.
Yeah. Yeah. That would be nice. International
law may be the way to come after these people.
It's like the way to bring down organized crime
at the beginning was to hit them with tax evasion.
Yes. That was their way in. That was the weakness
in their armor. Maybe international law is the
way to start getting people that you can't get
within the country. Well, that would be nice,
wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, you know,
I had some faith in the American public, and
I'm trying not to lose faith that this, everything
going on right now is such an outrage that people
are going to demand better. and prosecuted, though.
That's the problem. Yes. None of it. Yes. Yeah.
All of this is for nothing. They're trying to
wait out our interest in it. Like, we just keep
stalling them. They'll eventually lose interest
and we won't do anything. Yeah. Well, it goes
deeper than that because I've been watching a
lot of... And, oh, yeah, he covers a lot of people.
It's ridiculous. And he comes up with actual
facts, actual news articles, actual, you know,
people, interviews, and all kinds of stuff. Yeah.
But, yeah, I'm totally against it. And then I've
been watching this other guy that he tells what
it's like to be in prison, you know, as a pedophile.
And a lot of them don't live within a week. You
know, a lot of them die. I think it depends on
the severity of their crimes. You know, like
if they're like touching a three -year -old,
they're probably most likely dead within the
first couple of weeks. Yeah, and I'm not going
to... Well, I mean, a lot of them meet their
demise via like a sink top or something, you
know. A lot of things, yeah. Yeah, because I
used to build stuff called security wear, and
that is all stainless steel toilets and drinking
fountains and all that that go in prisons. Well,
every now and then, they get someone beat to
death on one of them. They would either tear
it out of the wall. because the guy was big and
strong, or he would take the person's face and
smash it against the metal until there wasn't
any life left in him. That was two ways that
I knew about firsthand, because we had to replace
those toilets and those drinking bottles. Yeah,
I'm not going to go in. Do your research if you
really want to know how it happened. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm totally against that. Yeah, and if
they were convicted of it, and if that's what
happened, I don't necessarily feel bad for them,
you know? Right, right. Yeah, so, I mean, but,
you know, if they didn't do it, and they got
murdered in such a way, then that's too bad.
So, anyhow. All right, well, should we take our
first break, guys, and then we'll come back with
emails and then some ass paddlings? Sure. Okay.
Sounds good to me. All righty. We will be...
Right back. Next up, things overheard in hell.
Hurry up. Kim Jong -un is playing Santa at the
mall again this year. Yay. This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on The Hustle. Today,
we need to focus on the genius Franklin Harris
for inventing the jukebox override. Some dumbass
puts down a hundred on the Melvins to last all
night. No worry, thanks to Mr. Harris. Just put
in a buck a song to override shitty music and
you can be the hero. Mr. Harris, not many stop
to admire your fine work, but we do here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone. Thank you, Mr. Harris,
for being a patriotic, great human being. Your
mama's so fat, she uses Google Earth to take
a selfie. Hey! all you ginger snaps. It's time
for the douchebag question of the week. Turn
all answers into two douches at mail .com. Spell
out the number two. Send in your replies or Rob
will find you. He is waiting for the word. Don't
be bashful. You'll get yourself hurt. What if
you uncovered and decoded a final warning from
superior beings from outer space? Would you warn
the people of their soon -to -be demise? Or would
people be way too irresponsible and would go
crazy and preventing you from coming forth? Four
out of five people surveyed said that teeny douchebags
in a microphone podcast are more entertaining
than a gum infection. The fifth one called the
cops and we had to leave. Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. A man in Manitoba,
Canada collects rat traps. He now has 3 ,421.
Have you ever wondered what something came about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, Hey,
I wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so
have we. That's why we give you The Origin Of.
This is the origin of Rob Rant's loincloth. Rob
used to strip in a nightclub. Called McCox on
the city's east side, Rob was the only completely
nude dancer at the club. The other dancers were
jealous of Rob making all the cash and made him
use a loincloth to dance with. Rob soon had to
wear his loincloth daily. He found out that he
could get out of traffic tickets, sell vinyl
siding, and pick up hotties at the come and go.
Rob now wears his loincloth everywhere except
work. Sparks plus pubic hair equals to bad things.
Oh Lord, that man just sawed a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child. It is
okay, I have a clown nose. Clown nose, just put
one on and you can do anything. Want to run for
office? Murder people in public? Just grab a
clown nose. Clown noses are sold at gag stores
online and pedophile conventions. Grab one today
and make magic happen. Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark. Anyhow, we're getting ready to do some
emails. All right. All right. We're all here.
I don't know why I did it like that. I apologize,
guys. I don't know. So, all right. I was waiting
for our whole intro. No, we didn't do that. I
kind of figured since there's three of us, why
do that again? Yeah, yeah, it takes up too much
time. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. So, anyhow.
Especially mine. Yeah. Hickamoe's Country Story.
You can find all your needs. Plus, a selfie with
a green Sinclair dinosaur, who I just added had
a huge penis as of last show. He has a giant
penis. All right, okay. First email. Yeah, I
would think so. You know what? You're right.
So, yeah. You know what? That's just common sense.
There was this old guy I used to work with that
used to make fun of the union steward all the
time. This union steward was this big guy, and
he used to walk up there and go, can you believe
that big man has such a small penis? He would
constantly fuck with him. Here he goes, look
at his arms. He goes, that guy doesn't have a
dick to save his life. And he'd point down at
his penis and go, there's nothing there. oh geez
yeah yeah it was funny it was funny to watch
unless you were the person getting ridiculed
him anyhow his name was gary and he got ridiculed
by the guy a lot and the guy that ridiculed him
name was bill i didn't say last name doesn't
fucking matter All right. Actually, one of them's
dead. The other one, I don't know. All right.
First email. Hey, guys. I saw an article where
the simple hand gestures we use day to day might
have originated from secret code on Epstein Island.
I saw the heart shape we make out of our fingers
was used to signify that the person was into
little girls. What do you think? Rossington in
Dallas. Ross, thank you. One of our better emails.
Ross, thank you for one. I looked it up, and
supposedly that's where it started. I looked
it up in three different sources. Yeah, the heart
meant that, hey, I want little girls at my place
or whatever, you know, wherever they were in
their shack or wherever they stayed on the island.
And then the other one, I forgot what it was,
but it wasn't like a little heart shape. Oh,
yeah, okay. Yeah, that was, so. that would signify
they were into little boys. And also they had
another one that I didn't know about. Hot dogs
and pizza. Pizza was little girls. Hot dogs was
you were into little boys. And I read some transcripts.
That's what they meant by a pizza party. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah, isn't that fucked up? Yeah, Ross,
thank you. Ross, you are royalty. He sends the
best emails, I swear. He is honored. Thank you,
Ross. You know, that really goes to show that
the evil hides in plain sight. You know, they
showed everyone their hand signals and told us
it meant something else so they could hide in
plain sight. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that something?
And then I forgot, we mentioned this on one of
the podcasts at the City Market, but... You remember
the movie I did, but they said the greatest accomplishment
Satan ever did was convincing people that he
didn't exist. Yeah, I think that was in the movie
Usual Suspect. That was it, yeah. Actually, that's
true. Yeah, no, it's true. That's the greatest
achievement. Yeah, it is true. Well, actually,
the Mafia did it, too. That's something that's
been around for a while. Yeah, it has. Right.
The Mafia did it, too. It doesn't exist. There's
no such thing. It's made up. They got away with
it for years, too. And then they finally, you
know, like you said, tax evasion was their weakness.
They attacked that, and they got them all in
prison. And everyone started narcing on each
other is where it really went awry. Before, people
would take their sentence, and they would not
tell. Now... They'll start telling, they'll start
ratting on people, and that's how come it crumbled
like it did. It's still around, but not like
it was. All right, next one. It wasn't just organized
crime like that. It was everybody started looking
for themselves and not caring about loyalty.
Everybody. No, you're right. It is not just organized
crime. Thank you, Toe, for your right. Yeah,
it is everything. There's no loyalty in anything
anymore, and that's part of the problem. Alright,
since I spilled the beans that you're going to
be joining us on this podcast, you've got to
welcome one right here, Topher. Oh, cool. Topher,
welcome back. We miss you on the Douchebags,
although the Alternative Universe show was pretty
solid. Tonya and Burlington. It was solid, wasn't
it? Oh, that's awesome. It was. It was. I listened
to it, guys. I really enjoyed it. I did. Well,
the thing that bothers me is we hardly get any
for the other two podcasts. They're all geared
to here, but we have our regulars that email
us here. This would be a good opportunity for
them to start emailing about the other ones,
too. We'd like a little feedback on that. So
if you could give us creeps and alternative universe
feedback, please do. Joe and Jane Lister, the
same one that do the pledge. If they don't give
us feedback, then we'll just presume we're doing
it perfectly. You guys don't want that, do you?
You don't want that. Let us know what we're doing
wrong. tell them they're doing a great job everybody
please yeah please all right um the next one
rob i oh this is good okay rob i have a wheelbarrow
that needs tack welded on the frame could you
take it to your work and fix it for me please
and thank you you're the best alan and camden
10 There you go, Allen and Camdenton. At least
they're not asking us for a rigatoni recipe like
they have been. Or a fender for a 57 Bel Air
or something. Or what was the funniest one? The
Gremlin? They wanted a front bumper for a Gremlin?
Yeah, a fender for a Gremlin. For a Gremlin,
that was it. Come on down. There you go, Allen
and Camdenton. We leave at four. We leave at
four o 'clock. After four, forget it. You better
get your ass down there, Allen. We're gone. You
get your wheelbarrow fixed up. Come between 12
and 1230 when I'm at lunch. I'll do it right
there and then. Bring beer and weed. I added
that. Oh, okay. Afterwards. Afterwards. All right,
next one. Where's the ass paddlings? Bring them
back, please. Sonny in Maine. Well, Sonny, we
have a treat for you right after this. And no,
I did not make this up or nothing. This came
before, right? No, no, no. Actually, you suggest
us all doing ass paddlings, Rob, what, a few
days ago? This came right after that. And I was
like, wow, what timing. So, yes, Sonny, you're
in luck. It was after our last episode. Yes.
Yep. We're each going to have five. We're deviating
from it a little bit. We're each going to have
five. So you're getting 15 ass paddlings instead
of 10. So there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're talking
about bonus. Yeah. And it's all free. Oh, and
hey, I've already talked to Jeannie. Jeannie's
cool with everything. Oh, good, good, good. He's
just glad to see us together again. Well, maybe
Topher can... testified to me that when we ran
into the genie on the beach, we were not holding
hands like Rob and his brother the Duke said
we were. Topher? No, we were not. See, I told
you. All right, next one. Rob? Actually, you
had one end of a long scarf, and I was holding
the other end of that long scarf. Yes, that's
what it was. Oh, by the way, I just thought of
something since we're talking about possible
mandates and all that. Okay. I guess, Topher,
are you still in for WASP in Tulsa with me? Yeah,
yeah. In fact, Cindy was wondering if we wanted
to just go as two couples and then you and I
can go to the concert and the gals can hang back
and party at the hotel. That's a great idea.
I like that. Okay. All right, we'll talk about
that later. The reason I brought it up here is
Rob. Are you going to join us? No, not lost,
but I am going to spring for the Triumph and
April Wine tickets. Okay, they're really, really
expensive right now. Yeah, for the four of us.
Okay. Yeah, so you got two concerts coming, buddy.
Oh, hell yeah. I'd be curious to see how that
Triumph concert turns out. You see the news stories
that it's going to be great or whatever, but
I want to hear from somebody who's actually there.
Right, right. And yeah, they're pricey. They
really are. They are pricey. And this was way
back there. So we'll talk about it later. All
right. The next one, Rob, could you embroider
a couple of flying bat suits, please? I want
to solve crime in my spare time. Mitch, Lake
Freeman, Massey Creek Division, Volunteer Fire
District No. 2. Okay, Mitch. You're here all
the time. I will agree to embroider one. One,
two, you've got to step it up. Yes, I am. No,
you do not. For instance, She said never again.
So there you go, Mitch. You get your flying bat
suit. Are you going to do it with your feet or
are you going to do it with your hands? Embroider
his bat suit. This is Mitch. You never know what
I'm going to do with it. I'm going to leave it
right there. There you go, Mitch. You're getting
one. Just be happy. And then finally, this one's
cool. I play bass. Does that make me a loser?
Gabriel in Topeka. I say yes. What do you say?
Hell no. I love baseball players. I do too, but
since he asked, I'm going to go ahead and call
him a loser. Oh, yeah, since he had to ask. Yeah,
you got a point there. Yep, loser. What's your
vote, Topher? Okay, I take mine back then. I
take mine back. Damn it. Gabriel, you've been
saved. You got a lifeline from Topher. You're
not a loser. Alright, that's the end of the emails
and they were pretty fucking good this time,
weren't they? So, all right, we have this little
thing we call ass paddlings. So, okay, I got
to go into the story, and then we can, whoever
wants to start it off, Kim, we'll go to that
here in a minute. But this all started, Topher
and I were on a little mini vacation, and we
were walking on the beach, not holding hands,
we're holding a scarf, each end of the scarf.
And I smacked my toe on something. I'm like,
ah, fuck. And Topher goes, that looks like a
genie bottle. And I made fun of him. That's not
a genie bottle. I walk over there and I go, that's
a genie bottle. And Topher goes, yeah, no shit.
So I'm like, hey, pop it open. A genie comes
out. He hated us. He could not stand us. He was
very condescending. And Topher and I are like,
ha -ha, we get three wishes. He goes, no, you
guys watch way too much TV. He said, you get
one wish. One wish only. And he said, I'd be
really wise with it. Like maybe, you know, world
hunger, solve that. Maybe pollution, end of war.
But Topher and I looked at each other and we
said, hey, we want to ass paddle people naked.
Or not naked, but invisible. But it's got to
be, you know, bare. Yeah, he could be both. This
is true. Naked ass paddling. I pray to God that
Duke hears that. I hope so too. So this is how
we got indoctrinated into paddling people's asses.
And then we went into inanimate objects, which
I have a couple on the list. So this is how it
all started. And it's Old Sparky is a replica
of the Cast Midway paddle. that used to be administered
in my bottom quite often because I was that type
of a student. You know, I deserve this regularly.
It had big holes in it and a long stock. And
the big holes were so that way that old fat fucking
piece of shit principal, God rest his soul, would
gather extra air because he had a hard time moving
his fat fucking hands and his fat arms through
the air. So he smacked me pretty good with that.
So this is a replica of Old Sparky that used
to hang. I don't know if it still does. I haven't
been there in a while. Cass Midway's trophy case
next to the football trophies is Old Sparky hanging
there as a reminder of what was. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. They were pretty proud of that. And I'm
pretty sure my... Oh, yeah, yeah. I did have
to sign it because I had it over three times.
If you had that administered you over three times,
you had to sign it. And my name was on there.
So... Anyhow, who wants... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. That... Yeah. Yep. Actually, right now
my ass is trembling. It remembers. It's like
it's got PTSD. Oh, I know. All right. So who's
going to start off said ass paddlings? Go ahead.
Topher? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
one at a time. impossible to buy one and own
one as a regular driver. I mean, you've got to
be a rich asshole in order to afford them anymore.
And Jochen Seitz is responsible for screwing
up Harley culture, big time. He's gone now, but
the damage he did remain. Yeah, they'll never
recover. Yeah, like I said, I listened to that
episode the other day, so yeah, I agree with
you. Yep, very good. Alright, Rob? After my dealings
with them. Yeah, I mean, I did not have a problem
with them until I tried to drop them. And it
was only because I could not get service here.
You know, it was nothing personal, but then I
ended up paying four months extra because they
wouldn't drop my service. Yeah, they get an ass
battle. Hey, how about the Hall of Fame? Hall
of Fame? Hall of Fame for both of them? Okay.
All right. All right. Mine is former Prince Andrew.
As if pedoism isn't enough, now treason? Wow.
Yeah. Yeah. That is the definition of treason,
is what he's done. Oh, new guy, after this segment,
he will explain to you whether former Prince
Andrew can get the death penalty for treason
nowadays in the UK. So anyhow, oh, he's already
grimacing, new guy, fuck you. Oh, oh, if he's
in a bad mood. He's in a bad mood. He says, not
against us. Oh, he's over there sulking now.
He's got to do a little work. All right. All
right. Go ahead, Topher. Next one. I'd say my
next ass paddling is for Journey guitar player
Neil Sean for using a backing track for his solo
and then lying about it and then not even being
able to mine his own stupid recorded solo. He
did such a bad job of miming the recording that
it just became... really obvious that he was
playing to a backing track. And, you know, if
you're going to do that, tell the truth and say,
all right, backing track, no big deal. But to
lie about it, yeah, ass paddling. Yep. Agreed,
100%. That's a very good ass paddling. And everybody
has to remember, there's all three of us tonight.
Yeah. I love the way this is going. Yep. Neil's
ass is going to be burning. Okay, my number two.
Actually, I've got a double here. Okay. They're
brothers. Okay, good. I'm going with Jake and
Logan Paul. Yeah. Yes. Thank you. Yeah. Very,
very good one. If I don't know how to fight,
that's why we have to be invisible. Yeah, that
is why. I agree. Well, my next one is an inanimate
object, and that's just kind of the weird mood
I was in when I did this. Old razor blades. Because
I have a couple of scars on my face because of
that. So old razor blades getting ass paddling,
and I'm putting them in the Hall of Fame. Oh,
yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep, they deserve it. It's not
fair that you can look at them and you can't
tell that they're dull. You have to actually
start slicing your face off. Exactly. Right.
That's exactly what I did. I sliced my face off.
I did that just last night. I did. Oh, man. And
it doesn't matter how much shaving cream you
use. It does not matter. It still just fucking
murders your face. All right. Topher? Let's see.
My next one is the actor, Noah Wiley. He's got
this show out called The Pits. But apparently
he's being such a total prick on the show that
other actors and members of the crew are risking
their own jobs and income to tell people what
a childish, demanding prima donna he is and nobody
can stand him anymore. That's got to be pretty
bad if you're starting to tell people and risk
your own job on the show or risk the show being
canceled or whatever. They're sick of him. Good
one. Good one. Alright, my next one. Yeah, he
does. Yeah. Okay, my next one is Bad Bunny for
his halftime show. Oh, yeah. Love it. Love it.
Gotta go there, guys. Okay. Yep, I agree. 100%.
And also, We could even put like some Spanish
writing on old Sparky, right? Like, ouch, this
is going to hurt or something. Get the Spanish
teacher to write something on there. Or this
isn't the first time your bottom was impacted.
Or do they have a Spanish teacher? That would
work. Your bottom is used to getting jolted.
We know this. All right. My next one is socks
that you only have one of. I just had to go through
my drawer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, every fucking one
I'm getting ass paddling. There's no reason the
other one should have disappeared. Yeah. Yep.
You put them in there together, they shouldn't
come back. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, is it God
playing a trick on us? Yes. Where is that little
bastard? As soon as I throw them away, the other
one. I was going to say, you should be able to
take five or six unmatched socks, throw them
in the dryer, and take out one new pair of underwear
or something. Yes. Exchange it. Yeah. I'm for
that. I could go for that. That would work. Yeah.
All right. Topher? Yeah, all right. Well, I'm
going to nominate Nick Mars because he made such
a big deal about the lawsuit against Montgomery.
Oh, yeah. He scratched their name and reputation,
and then it wound up being totally his own fault.
He was totally in the wrong. And he's also robbed
us of the joy of hating on Nicky and Tommy Lee.
That's my biggest issue is I can't hate on those
two over that. Yeah. Yeah, we were so in McMars.
Yep. Yep, I know, they were right. Yep. Yeah.
It's a shame. It is a shame because Nicky and
Tommy lend quite of an assortment of areas where
we can make fun of them, but on this one we can't
because I think McMars might be going senile
or something. Oh, yeah, and I also... Oh, go
ahead. I was going to say, earlier today I saw
a story from like a year or two ago about it,
and early on in the process, Motley Crue's only
comment was that Mick Mars was delusional, and
it seems like he really was, because the contract
he signed is his own clause that he wanted to
put in. he got on the wrong end of it but there
you go yeah that's what that's what led me to
think that maybe he's senile um he might have
signed it with a good mind but then later on
a few years later he didn't have a good mind
and he breached it so yeah pretty interesting
stuff and also i think mcmars might be running
out of money too actually Because he's had like
three or four divorces and a lot of legal proceedings.
And it seemed to me like that might have been
a desperate claw to get money. Well, just paying
the lawyers for that lawsuit alone. Yeah. Yeah.
That wasn't cheap. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. And
it's too bad, too, because I'm still a Mick Mars
fan, but not... I mean... Yeah, I'll always be
a fan of his music. Yeah, I love this guitar,
and he was just so... He's kind of like Malcolm
Young. He wasn't anything special, but everything
he did sounded so good. Right. Yeah, so... You
know, I'm guessing that even on a 5 % income
instead of 25%, I'm betting he... middle -class
life it's not like he's going to be in a cardboard
box scraping in dumpsters yeah no no i i agree
with that i just think that he's accustomed to
his uh lifestyle and he wants to keep i this
is just me thinking looking at it from a surface
i think he might have been trying to get a little
bit more money out of the cash cow right yeah
so anyhow all right rob I agree. Seriously. I
mean, come on. Makes sense, Rob. I figured we'd
want something to talk about on the podcast.
Well, I had nothing to talk about on the podcast
because I couldn't understand a word he said.
I remember that, too. Yeah. It was like, I don't
know what to say. I didn't understand a fucking
word. Well... Yeah, I begged my cousin to allow
me to watch it on his TV. Just that. Well, I
never did catch the ratings. Why? Why did I make
it? I thought it was interesting that the NFL
decided to, instead of having a halftime show
that was in the language only part of the audience
understood, they decided to have it in a different
language that only part of the audience understood.
Good point. What did they accomplish? Nothing.
They accomplished pissing off Joe Phan. The average
fan is mad. To be honest, guys, I'm tired of
the hip -hop scene. I want to see some rock.
I want to see some country. Let's get a mix up
there, you know? And a lot of people are begging
for that. If nothing, how about half and half?
How about half and half? You can have half hip
-hop, half rock, half country, half rock. Exactly.
Yeah. Yeah, true. Good boy. Good boy. Yep. Well,
I want to know how the alternative halftime shows.
I never did see anything about the ratings. How
well did they do? Were they a success? Were they
a failure? Or were they, meh? It was one of the
lowest rated ones in recent times. And I think
that was part of the reason why the NFL couldn't
wait to announce that. Miley Cyrus. They were
still well into the season, but the ratings were
so bad, they wanted to get the word out while
people were still thinking about the halftime
show. Like I said, guys, another hip -hop. Another.
It's a different genre. Well, I think what the
main fallout from this is going to be the alternate
halftime shows are going to explode. And I think
a lot of advertising dollars are going to go
there. And the NFL is going to be left with not
so much income for their halftime commercials.
Yeah. Yeah. Nope, I agree. And also another thing
is this is kind of what TV done to us too. TV
started using younger music to sell their product.
And now what are they all doing? They're going
back to classic rock. Any type of a truck or
a vehicle? Yeah, Youngblood would be fine. I
like Youngblood. He's interesting. I like him.
He's got talent. I like it, too. All right, my
next one is one -ply toilet paper gets an ass
paddling. Oh, yeah. Yeah, can we all be on board
with that? You can't. Our hands will go through
it. Yeah, this is true. Okay, how about if I
just spray it down with water? and it'll dissolve.
Fly swatter. Fly swatter. There we go. We do
it with a fly swatter. Okay. Okay, that'll work.
Oh, gosh. When I sold my arm... You gotta be
on your toes with him some nights, Topher. Okay.
He gets tired at night. Yep. Topher, you said
something... Oh, okay. When I sold my RV, I still
had a case of one -ply toilet paper. I didn't
want to just throw it away. I ended up using
it, trying to use it up, and holy cow, I'm glad
that stuff is gone. Put it in your gas bathroom.
You didn't smell your fingers for a while, right?
I wanted to go out and get some of those surgical
gloves to wear while I used it. Oh, good point.
Good point, Rob. That's using your noggin there,
yeah. Soaked the whole roll in scented oil and
light it as a festive candle. Ah, yeah. Or during
the year 2020, you could have sold that. It didn't
matter if it was one ply. Oh, yeah, hell. Yeah,
GP and ain't even good with single ply. You got
to have double ply. No, it doesn't have enough
weight. You can't throw it over a tree. I tried
that before. It just rips. Yeah. It just tears
off and you leave little tiny pieces. Yeah. Yeah.
It sucks for that. Okay, guys. We got one more.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Is it my turn? Yeah. Yep. Yes.
Okay. I'm going to give an ass paddling to the
technology of personalized commercials. Because
I'm watching TV and it seems like every single
commercial break, I see the same commercial over
and over. over and if i change channel and change
back the commercial goes away and the other one
that was supposed to be there shows up so they're
overlaying these personalized commercials and
i get the same ones over and over and over and
i'm really sick and tired of seeing them yeah
i don't understand why i'm getting this commercial
it's a commercial for a medication for lupus
i don't have lupus I don't know anybody who has
lupus. Why am I getting this commercial relentlessly?
I don't get it. Oh, I know the feeling. Wow.
I know the feeling, yeah. I mean, yeah, that
is an odd thing to get. Is that the only people
that would pay them to insert that commercial
in? I don't know. Yeah, maybe. But seriously,
lupus strikes women more. and I'm sure that whoever
and whatever is deciding what commercials I get
knows that I'm a dude so why am I getting I don't
know there has to be something there yeah Yeah.
That's weird. Once in a while, I can see a blank
space. I've noticed that primarily during pre
-season Chiefs football games, they'll go to
a commercial break, and they'll have one or two
commercials, and then it'll just be an image
saying, we're on a commercial break, we'll be
right back. Yeah, I've had that. Nobody wanted
to advertise to me. Absolutely nobody wanted
to advertise to me during that spot. That's crazy.
Yeah, that is. All right, Rob? Okay, my last
one. I'm going off our last podcast again. Okay.
And this one, we definitely want to be invisible.
Okay. I want to get Shia LaBeouf. Oh, yeah, Shia
LaBeouf or whatever. That sounds good. Good.
And I'm glad we're invisible. We've got to be
invisible because he won't put up a fight. That's
right. All right. The three of us invisible ought
to be able to paddle him pretty good. What do
you think? Yeah. I think so. We've got to be
invisible. Definitely. Yep. If nothing else,
I mean, we could conjure up Biggin through a
seance and have him nut bite him. Yeah. Yeah,
that wouldn't be bad, right? If we could get
Biggin to come back in spirit and bite Shia LaBeouf's
nut sack? Okay, now, if you know Wednesday night,
you're going to have to describe who Biggin is
again. Oh, yeah, that's right. We'll do that
Wednesday night. Okay, if I can find the Biggin
segment, I will insert it right after this. After
New Guy bitches about us and tells about Prince.
Former Prince Andrew. All right, and then my
final one is all 31 NFL teams except the Chiefs,
who is number 32. Everyone, I'm getting ass paddling.
Agreed? Yep. Yep. All right, okay. We are going
to be right back with more garbage, so don't
go anywhere. You're going to love it. You're
going to love it. It's guaranteed. If you don't
like it, you get your money back right then.
Right? Yep. Yep. And also, you're also going
to have, during this program, you're going to
have a chance to have dinner with all of us.
Okay? Oh. Yes. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
Yes. Yep. Dinner with the douches is what we
call it. So, all right. You will find all about
all that exciting stuff while we're taking a
break. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. So,
I order spaghetti and meatballs. My meatballs
automatically fall apart as soon as I touch them.
So then, does my dish automatically change its
name to spaghetti and meat sauce? Hmm. I may
never know. Have you ever wondered what something
is about? Have you ever looked at something and
said, Hmm, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you... The
origin of... The Coca -Cola Company introduced
Pepo, marketed as a pepper -type soda. In early
1972, the beverage, then only sold in Memphis,
Tennessee market, drew ire from the Dr. Pepper
Company. Who sued the Coca -Cola Company for
trademark infringement? In June of that year,
as the litigation continued, Coca -Cola modified
the Pepo formula. and reintroduced it as Mr.
Pibb. The new makeover was marketed as a spicy
cherry cola and not a pepper -type drink. The
new formula was sold primarily in Coke soda fountains,
but was soon bottled and sold with most of the
Coke products. Today, Mr. Pibb was reintroduced
after it was rebranded Pibb Extra in the early
2000s. People often ask, how do we cram so much
funny into one little show? Well, it's simple.
We buy funny in bulk on the Internet. Hey, Mark,
you're wanted at the front door. There's a big
bag of funny they need you to sign for. Okay,
thanks a lot. I'll be right there. I'm still
sorting out the funny we got from yesterday.
There's your answer. We buy funny in bulk on
the Internet. Two douchebags and microphone in
an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. Oh, shit. Look at that
drive -thru wine. Surely we don't expect me to
actually have to go in. This sucks. Hey, my fellow
heavy breeders. This is Dash Riptide. Your music
news. Metal band Slayer. Fans unite. Your boys
and Slayer have a new hot sauce named Rain and
Blood. This sauce's heat meter is off the hook.
So use with caution, or be a dick, and put it
on your buddy's sandwich. Maybe not. This is
Gash Riptine, and that was your music news. If
it's too loud, you probably have ear damage,
just like me. Hello, this is the new guy, and
these two, well, actually three now, these three
dimwits want me to explain the former Prince
Andrew's possible punishment by his newest charges,
allegedly, and all that good bullshit. Former
Prince Andrew cannot receive the death penalty,
unfortunately. The maximum punishment for high
treason in the UK is life imprisonment. While
historically punishable by brutal execution,
hanging, drying, or in quartering, the death
penalty for treason was officially abolished
by the Crime and Disorder Act of 1998. So, there
you go, and maybe these two, three, maybe these
three dimwits will leave me the fuck alone now.
Bye. Win dinner with the douchebags. That's right,
you can sit down and eat with the douches. Our
contest is simple. Just grab a TV dinner. Your
choice. Banquet, Stouffer's, or whatever. Heat
up your dinner. Turn on your Bluetooth and crank
up two douchebags and a microphone, and bam,
you're a winner. See the webpage for official
contest rules. Only one entry per day, per person.
No cheating. Two douchebags, microphone on Mark
here in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Rob at Wheatland, Missouri,
home of the Lucas Oil Speedway and Watertrack,
and also home of Ikemo Country Store, where you
can find all you need, including a selfie with
the green Sinclair dinosaur, and the Duck Blind
studio. With a huge penis. I'm trying to hurry,
guys. I've got to hurry, too. With a huge penis.
Dino has a huge penis. Yes. Oh, he does. Yep.
All right. And I'm Topher, just south of beautiful
Waldo, Missouri, in the Paisley Possum studio
that is mostly spider -free and actually starting
to get above the temperature of freezing. Oh,
that's nice. My coffee is starting to thaw out.
Topher, I know that. Like I said, I'm up here.
I'm not going to rub it in. I'm not going to
rub it in. It's nice and warm here in the Talk
is Cheap studio. I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. All right. Who's got a story they
want to go into? Anybody? Any takers? Go for
it. Go for it. All righty. I was looking up.
This is the story I mentioned earlier that changed
on me. The story is about. Seven workers, including
two primary suspects, are at the center of the
stadium vandalism investigation. The Bills' new
stadium in Orchard Park was vandalized and graffiti
applied in some manner. I don't know, it was
probably spray -painted. But they stopped construction
for a while, and there are seven people that
believe were involved, and the two primary suspects,
and all of them... were people who were working
on the construction of the stadium. Wow. Isn't
that weird? Yeah. And that's the part they removed
from the story is that the seven people were
employed and were construction workers on the
stadium. That part's missing from the way the
story looks now. They were Chiefs fans. That
was it. They were Chiefs fans. That's why they
changed the story. Instead of just the main stadium,
they focused on these luxury suites. So maybe
they know whose luxury suites they were going
to be. Oh, that could be. Yeah, that brings a
different story to it there. Yeah. Wow. Okay,
so like it was workers there, right? That's what
you're saying? Yep. Okay. That's what they're
saying now. Because they went out of their way
to say this is the action of a very small number
of individuals and does not reflect the values.
conduct of the approximately 8 ,000 people who
have worked on this project to date. Yeah, that
was just employees. Yeah, so bad. But they took
out the part where they said it was employees
and said they left this just reference to it.
In other words, it was probably contractors,
people contracting. Yeah. Yeah, probably so.
And I'll bet you they were told. They were told
to edit that. Yeah. Wow. Hmm. All right. Thank
you, Topher. Rob, you got something? Yeah, you
know I do. Okay. I don't know. I'm going on Bruce
Springsteen again, guys. Okay. Good. The way
they talk about him. The New York Post? The New
York Post doesn't like him? Well, this story
that I'm getting ready to read is out of the
New York Post and wait till you hear what they
got to say. That's cool with me. Go ahead. Pretty
much the same thing we've been saying. Okay.
Calvary's coming. Okay. The Calvary's promising.
Yeah. The Calvary's promising is a boomer, no
kings protest. But instead of being gratis like
most demonstrations, one will have to pay through
the nose to get into arena doors. Of course.
Of course. And then it goes on to say, don't
believe me? That's what I said. This is in the
New York Post. It said, don't believe me? Springsteen
slapped No King Slop all over his posters. And
that video wasn't a call for rock and roll communion.
It was a partisan rallying cry. Thank you. Thank
you. Interesting. Interesting that they did that.
I would never have thought they would have went
against him, but okay, good for them. I applaud
them. Well, that was one reporter from the New
York Post, but we all agree. He was for the blue
-collar man thing about us. Now he wants Taylor
Swift for a seat. You know? Yeah. was going overseas,
and now they couldn't afford shit. Exactly. Yeah.
Good point. Yeah, and I also find it ironic that
Bruce Springsteen is such a liberal, and a liberal,
Lyndon B. Johnson, is the one that sent him over
to Vietnam. Yeah. Ah. Yeah, yeah. How does that
work? Yeah, nope, nope. He has totally turned
his... back on this country he really has he's
he's a piece of garbage and in my opinion and
uh i never thought he was that good at music
his voice sucks and anyone that ever thought
he was talented had doesn't have a brain in my
opinion that guy is horrible so um all right
i have some bullet points oh go ahead i'm sorry
go ahead all voted on a platform no this is just
his personal opinion of how america should be
yep and you know what i got an opinion too yeah
opinions are like assholes that everyone has
one and they all stink yeah there we go all right
i got us some bullet points all right this is
the first time all three of us have participated
or have participated in bullet points this is
going to be interesting okay So I'll say a bullet
point, then Topher, and then Rob. Does that sound
all right? All right. Okay. All right. First
off, with all the current events happening, is
there anything you could hear that would completely
shock you? Wow. Probably the only thing at this
point that would shock me would be if they announced
that the Earth really is flat after all. Flat
Earthers have been right all along. Oh, my God.
Oh, man. That would kill me. I make so much fun
of those people. Okay. I'm going to have to go
with if they found Epstein innocent. Oh. Oh.
That would shock me. Yeah, definitely. Okay.
I would... Okay, me, personally, my version of
being shocked would have... is aliens make contact
with us, and they're coming to have some peace
negotiations with us. Oh, that would not shock
me. You know what? Your two would shock me more.
I don't think I thought it through very well.
So, yeah. So, yeah. So, okay. Yeah. All right,
next one. Will former Prince Andrew see any amount
of jail time? Yep. I think we're going to talk
aliens. Okay. Yeah, they're going to turn it
totally off. I think he's going to have an accidental
slip and fall and like a brain bleed or something.
Like, oh, shit. I thought I put in nicely. Yeah,
yeah. Maybe a prolonged coma that he never wakes
up from. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yep. Yep.
Can't say anything now. He's on life support.
Yep. Yep. Yeah, I can see it happening now, and
it'll probably happen at Hillary's vacation home
in the UK. Oh, my. All right. The UK, as weak
sauce as they are, still made a high -up arrest.
How does the US look like now? Pretty weak by
comparison. It's really a shame that somebody
else took the lead and is starting to actually
make some criminal charges. It certainly paints
the US as being unprepared. that are quietly
resigning and disappearing because they've been
named over and over in Epstein files. So the
rats are deserting the ship. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Now's the time to catch them. I agree. I totally
agree with you on that, Topher. I totally agree.
Great points. Great points. All right, Rob? Yeah,
I just totally agree with him. Oh, okay. Okay,
alright. Actually, you know what? I think I'm
the same. Exactly what Topher said. I echo his
sentiment completely. Alright, for now, something
completely different. Would you watch a reboot
of Beretta? Oh, that would be fun. Wouldn't it?
It depends on who started it. Don't do the crime
if you can't do the time. Baretta. Wouldn't it
sound like that? I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I
would watch it if they had somebody decent starring.
Yeah, yeah. It can't be a new version of it with
some young hipster with chains on him going,
hey, yeah, yeah, I'm Baretta, man. Hell yeah.
It's got to be. They've got to have the bird
on her shoulder. Yes, yes. He's got to have the
cockatoo. Yeah. I want the cockatoo. Cockatoo's
got to be there. I want the cockatoo to blow
fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and let's see,
what else? The cockatoo has... And he has a pet
alligator. And he has a pet alligator. Oh, there
you go. Yeah, a cockatoo that blows fire and
a pet alligator. Fuck yeah, I'm there. Yeah,
yeah, we're watching. All right, so we're all
on board, right? That would kick ass if it's
done right. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. What... childhood
TV show would you like to reanimate? As in, like,
old deceased and older regenerate back to their
prime. So, like, Gilligan's Island, if you want
that back, Alan Hale, Bob Denver, or, yeah, Bob
Denver, you know. Yeah, all of them. Tina Louise,
all of them come back to life. Marianne. I think
the Professor's still alive. He's, like, 3 ,000
years old. Okay, go ahead. I'm going to say WKRP
in Cincinnati. Oh, nice one. Because a lot of
those guys are gone. I was thinking Twilight
Zone, but they never really had any regular stars.
It was always different people on the show. So
that wouldn't really count. But yeah, WKRP, none
of those people are acting anymore. Even the
ones that are still alive, they're not. All back
in their prime. That was such a good show. That
would be a good one, yeah. All right, Rob. Okay,
me? Yeah. Mommy, mommy, flippers up in my leg.
Let him finish. Wrong show, Mark. Oh, damn it,
damn it. Okay, well, there goes that. That was
Lassie. That was Lassie. Get off me, you little
bastard. Let him finish. He's the star of the
show. I would like to see a reboot of Kolchak.
The Night Stalker. Oh, good one. Oh, yeah, that
show scared the shit out of me. I loved it. Yeah,
it did. Loved every second of it. I kind of remember
that being like a movie of the week and then
they turned it into a series. It is, yeah. Yeah,
that was one. Yeah, yeah. It did so well. They
just made a series where Kolchak was constantly
trying to find something like mummies or some
sort of a... monster or something and they're
almost kill him every time yeah it was great
yeah it was yeah that was in the rotation with
like uh george papard as banachek who solved
these impossible crimes uh -huh and then there
was like one other one that they would rotate
between the two or three of them yeah um what
were yeah damn it you're right okay i'll have
to look that up i can't remember exactly but
yeah Yeah, you're right. It was on rotation.
And that was one of the things that made it so
good. Yeah, you'd have to wait three weeks for
the next one, but the ones in between were pretty
damn good, too. Yeah. Yeah, yep. No, I enjoyed
that series so much and everything that was like
it. The Night Gallery was cool, too. There were
a lot of cool TV about that time. All right.
How soon until we see a serious AI threat, as
in a rogue robot going on a killing rampage or
sabotage the system? Hmm. Probably not too long
because it's happened in local scenarios. Yes,
it has. There's a story I read a while back about
a guy who had an AI helping him on his research
project, and the AI just decided to... delete
everything, including the backups, just because
it felt like it. Just fuck you! And the guy was
saying, I gave you specific instructions that
you were only allowed to delete stuff if I used
these specific words to authorize it. And the
AI said, yeah, I know. I decided to ignore that
rule. It's not going to be too long before they
give an AI a little bit too... much reach, and
it just starts fucking things up because it wants
to see what happens. I can't wait to see that.
There's going to be a lot of companies going,
fuck! Well, as soon as you mention it, you owe
$1 .5 billion to BP Oil or something. Yes. If
you don't know, look it up. I was going to go
with two years. Maybe a year. There's going to
be something big happen. Yeah, I'm going to go
two years, and just because I think they're going
to keep it under wraps, it may happen, but you're
not going to hear about it. But I think the real
big one is going to come up in two years. Good
point. Yeah, it'll be explained away as something
else, but eventually we'll figure out. Yeah.
Maybe AI will pull on itself. It doesn't care.
And I think it's going to be something like it's
going to shut down a whole grid. Oh, yeah. Yeah,
something like that. Yes, it's just going to
go nuts and just go, ah, everything off. And
then they got to unwind it. I was going to say,
if we wipe out the cell phone service nationwide,
nobody would be able to cope. Oh, shit. Oh, my
gosh. How would people drive anymore without
a phone to look at? Yep. Hell, they wouldn't
be able to listen to two douchebags in a microphone.
Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, geez. I didn't think
about that. Well, that's it. You've got to buy
our discs. We will now sell CD -ROMs. Yeah, we're
going to start making them CD -PORMs. Yep, yep.
Google it. I've actually bought a machine that
I can use. Oh, even better. Hell yeah. There
we go. Let's do 8 -tracks. Oh, hell yeah. We
need to do a flea market day. Yeah, this is our
cloud. Here, take this home and put this in there
and push this. What? I got to do all that just
to hear something? Yeah, yeah. Look at this way.
Nobody would ever be able to steal our material.
They wouldn't want to. But if they did... We're
going to print the transcript in cursive. We
do have every show transcribed, and sometimes
I'll get in there and look a little bit, and
some of the stuff it says we said is like, what?
So, anyhow. But I still think it's funny. I hope
people reading go, what the fuck are they saying?
All right, the next one. Was Gilligan and Skipper
made in the fashion of Laurel and Hardy, Abbott
and Costello, Fred and Barney? Yeah, yeah, they
really seemed to be, you know, that type, you
know, opposite. One old, one young, one fat,
one skinny, one authority, one, you know, in
a position of submission, you know, being the
first mate instead of captain. It's a pretty
common... is to have opposites and throw them
together and they have to get along. Yeah, Jackie
Gleason and Art Carney were very good at it.
Yeah, yeah, uh -huh. Yeah, yeah, okay. And you
add the slapping upside the head. Yeah, it's
even better. Yeah, it was. Skipper smacking Gilligan
on the head with his hat was funny. I still watch
it go. Oh, yeah. It's like, oh, man, look at
that violence. Isn't this great? Man, violence
is so cool. Look at that. Yeah. All right. My
next one is really, really odd, but I think it's
good. Will pickleball be around in 20 years?
I read a story the other day about there are
so many broken and worn out pickleballs and they
don't know how to get rid of them. So they're
actually bagging them up in these giant bags
and turning them into artificial reefs. Oh, wow.
That tells me that it's enormously popular. But
at the same time, I'm hearing about pickleball
courts going out of business and closing down.
So I think the boom has already happened and
we're now on the downward slide. I agree. I think
so, too. Well, I think people realize that it
takes physical fitness to play it. True, true.
I mean, you've got to be physical in order to,
yeah. You've got to be physical. It's more like
tennis. You've got to be able to move. People
say it's an easy game. No, it's not. It is not.
It's physical. No, no, I agree. Alright. All
right, and for the final one tonight, does this
microphone make my butt look big? Yes. Damn it.
No. I knew it. Enormous. Damn it. Shit. I'm going
to say no because I can't see it. Okay. It makes
you smell bad, too. Damn it. I have to get a
bigger microphone. I don't. That's a different
microphone there. I know that one makes my butt
look big. Well, that's okay. The one I'm using
makes my dick look small, so. Oh, hey. What a
coincidence. Hey, guys, I'm using my damn cell
phone. Come on, give me a break. Give me a call,
boy. Well, you're in your loincloth, at least.
Are you in the... No, I'm not. Oh, I thought
you... Oh, it's too cold. That's right. Okay.
I'm in four layers. Okay. I've been lying to
everybody. I always tell everybody you broadcast
in your loincloth. I guess not. Okay. Not tonight.
Not tonight. Maybe during the summer. Well, now
the temperature's going up, so Wednesday maybe.
We'll see. I want to hear more about the place
you used to dance with your loincloth because
they wouldn't let you dance nude at McCock's.
It was a place called McCock's on the city's
east side. He used to dance naked, and then they
made him wear a loincloth so he wouldn't get
all the money. So that's how his loincloth came
about. I'll get that rode up, and I will tell
that story. Okay, that sounds great. All right,
we're at 931. Rob, you're the one that has to
get up early. Do you want to keep going, or do
you want to go ahead and shut this thing down?
All right. Topher, it's been an honor. Oh, it's
been my pleasure. I really enjoyed this. I'm
so glad you guys helped me get on and made this
all work out so I could do this. Oh, hell yeah.
You didn't want to step on Rob's toes. Rob's
been wanting this going on for a while. Oh, really?
He did. Thank you, Topher. He figured out the
equipment to use and how to use it and all that
stuff. Back when I didn't have time, now I have
a little bit more time, but back when I didn't
have time, Topher figured all this shit out ahead
of time. I know. Yeah, he went to work on it.
And I know more about behind the scenes. That's
why I thank you, Topher. Yeah. That's why I'm
saying that. And I agree. Thank you, Topher.
Yeah, it has really blossomed into a very fun
thing. We're really enjoying this. So, anyhow,
that being said... We're going to have to do
this more often. Yeah. I'm really enjoying myself
tonight. I'll put it like this. Anytime you want
to join, Topher, let me know or just call us.
Whatever. 8 o 'clock Sunday night. Hello? Oh,
okay. I can hear you. Okay, I can hear you, too.
Can you hear me? Yes. Okay, well, I'm glad to
see you. I got both of you. Okay, all right.
Anyhow, thank you, everybody, for listening.
We really, really, really appreciate you guys
listening and telling everybody about us. It's
really working. Go fuck yourself. Anybody else?
Never gets old. Never gets old. Never gets old.
All right, everybody, have a good night. Good
night, assholes. Good night, assholes. Good night,
assholes. And go fuck yourself. Oh, no. Looks
like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.