Well, well, well. We see you made it back. That's
right. It's time for your favorite podcast, Two
Douchebags and Microphone, live from the historic
river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri.
But only on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays.
Otherwise, you get live from the Duck Wine Studio
in Wheatland, Missouri, and the Talk is Cheap
studio from Extreme Southern Tent for the Kansas
City Metroplex and the surrounding areas. Let's
grab a seat and see what kind of garbage they
throw at us today. Enjoy. Welcome again. We're
happy you chose us. Come on in. Wash yourself
off. Would you enjoy a bourbon and coke? There's
a liquor store down the road. If you go, I need
rolling papers. Well, since you're here, let's
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All right, bitches, swing your hips and pelvic
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Listener, promise to download every podcast.
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grab idle computers, work computers, friends
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Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
we must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Here we go. Signs that you
might be a pussy. Signs that you might be a pussy.
If you've ever had Phil Collins or Oingo Boingo
posters on your wall. If you've ever raised your
coffee mug or tea glass with your pinky extended.
If you often lotion up your hands. With no apparent
reason. If you like poached eggs, if you sing
along to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or if you have
ever wore a pair of Crocs, even just trying them
out, you are a pussy. Hey there. We all have
those annoying co -workers that do nothing. There's
nothing we can do about it because HR departments
are running scared of lawyers. So we have to
work with these worthless pieces of garbage.
But we have to communicate about them without
them knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we developed a way that you can speak
about them right in front of them without them
knowing about it. Stay tuned. Cordless only works
40 minutes. E .T. always wants to go home. Kit
Kat always taking a break. Muffler always exhausted.
Seaweed floats around all day. Sensor light.
Only works when someone walks by. Wheelbarrow
only works when pushed. Hey, my fellow heavy
breeders. This is Dash Riptide. Your music news.
Metal band Slayer fans unite. Your boys in Slayer
have a new hot sauce named Rain and Blood. This
sauce's heat meter is off the hook. So use with
caution or be a dick. And put it on your buddy's
sandwich. Maybe not. This is Gash Ruktine, and
that was your music news. If it's too loud, you
probably have ear damage, just like me. And now,
Deep Thoughts with Mark. You know, go to bed,
you'll feel better is pretty much the human version
of, did you turn it off and turn it back on again?
Oh, hey, look at the time. It's time for the
crazy -ass word of the day. Pseudo -pseudo -hypoparathyroidism.
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark, here
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri,
home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and
Watertrap, and also home of Hickam Old Country
Store, where you can find all your needs. including
a selfie with the green St. Clair dinosaur in
the duck black studio. All right. Thank you,
Brian. You do not know how much it took you,
man. I was tired as I am. Yeah, you queued me
in. No, I'm good. I'm good. I'm ready for the
night. I'm okay, too. I'm tired, too, but I'm
okay. So it's just the way it goes, right? Honestly,
I need to escape. Let's do this. Okay, good.
Good. All right. Well, I saw a new Motley Crue
ad on Facebook. It looks really cool because
she was an old video of Vince Neal. True. You
know, Rob, I could laugh, but it's sad. Why?
I mean, the old videos of Vince Neal, he looked
so cool and everything, and he was just like
this. Just crazy cool rock star, you know. He
commanded attention when he walked across the
stage. Yeah, he did. All eyes were on him. You
know, now I know how the oldsters felt when Elvis
trotted out on stage sweating ham chunks and
he was severely obese, you know. I mean, I get
it now. You know, I remember hearing him going,
oh man, gosh, this sucks. I'm like, who cares?
I get it now. We all go downhill. Is it just
celebrities happen to do it quicker? Somehow.
Yeah, somehow. You're right. Yeah, their fall
from grace is much larger than the regular person.
Yeah, it's a lot harder to bounce off the bottom.
I also got to thinking, not only do we feel bad
for him, but I imagine he feels fucking horrible.
I bet you he looks in the mirror and he's like
going, what happened? What the hell happened?
You know, I think some of it was from his excessive
drinking. I hope he quit drinking because of
a stroke. And, you know, for all I know, he may
have quit drinking years ago, but I've never
seen anything that said that. So, you know, I
don't know that for sure. You know, so anyhow,
you know, he has that really heavy middle section
that usually comes from maybe, I don't know,
maybe some liver problems or something. You know
what I mean? Like fluid buildup, possibly. I
don't think it's all like, I don't think it's
all ham sandwiches is what I'm saying. So anyhow,
I mean, I like Vince. He's my favorite out of
the original three remaining original members.
But that's not saying much. So, you know. Okay.
Actually, two original members. John 5 is not
an original member. Sorry. So, all right. Topher
and I did an Alternative Universe Two Douchebags
and Microphone podcast yesterday at the City
Market. I feel it went really well. We will continue
this format until the NFL news is more plentiful,
the draft, minicams, acquisitions, and so forth.
Also, I have a little news for you, Rob, and
I think this is going to make you happy. Topher
is going to call in Sunday night on the regular
Two Douchebags in a Microphone podcast, not the
alternate universe, but this one right here.
Awesome. So I have to be on here Sunday night.
Okay. Yes. Yes, please. Okay. God, I can't wait
to talk to him. It's been, what, three years?
I know. He was going. Three and a half years.
Well, May. Yeah. May will be three and a half
years. Four years. Four years. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That sounds about right. Four years, yeah. Yeah,
wow. Wow. Yeah, and the thing is, is he goes,
I don't want to step on Rob's toes. I go, are
you fucking kidding? Rob's been talking about
you joining the program for a long time now.
He wants you on there. And he's like, okay. Hell
yeah, he will be. He'll be on Sunday. Yeah, it's
going to be pretty fucking interesting. He brings
a whole... Yes, I know. Yeah, I agree. You know,
He brings such a different element to the program.
Like I said, his approach and his, I don't know,
his personality is so much more sophisticated,
if you will. Yeah. And which I enjoy, you know.
I do too. I'm a union guy, you know, I went through
the... apprenticeship and all that you know I'm
not really that much of well I was a book guy
I had to read books and everything and I still
read books but I was never that much of an intellectual
admittedly I was never that kind of a guy I was
kind of like a wrench turner hands on guy so
it doesn't mean you're not smart what it means
is you're smarter in other areas that's all it
means now me I'm more blue collar I've always
worked for lower pay but I'm not exactly stupid.
We'll put it that way. No, God no. You're far
from it. You are far from it. I have chosen to
live my life working and coming up from the bottom.
And I'm at a decent point in my life, frankly,
and I'm happy. You know, it's all about comfort,
isn't it? Yes. The most comfortable I could get
going to school was that. I mean, like I told
everybody before, you know, I went to UMKC for
a little bit for broadcasting. And then I was
at a crossroads in my life. The union called
me because I actually applied for them like a
year before they called me. And I'd given up
on them. I'm like, you know what, I really want
to do. Something like broadcasting. And at the
time, it wasn't necessarily radio. I always fell
in love with radio. Like I said last podcast,
you're my podcast, that, you know, Dick and Jay
kind of started me on it, doing the theater of
the mind. But I always kind of leaned towards
radio. So I was going to get into that. Then
the union calls me and says, hey, you know, free
schooling. And half of the time, you're out there
in the field working. And I was like, you know,
that's more my alley. So, and it worked out.
I did fine. So, you know, I'm where I'm at because
of that. Well, see, I could have gotten into
the construction unit, but because of my connections,
you know, my grandpa, my uncles, my cousins,
I could have done it with their connections,
but I decided to live my own life, you know?
No, I got it. I got it. Well, to me, I mean,
since they called me and gave me the invite and
said, hey, we're going to pay you top wage and
half of the day you're not going to be sitting
there reading a book all day, I was like, oh,
yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm like you.
I'm a hands -on guy. Let's do it. You know, I
love, yeah, I love shopping school. I love building
things. I love... working with steel and metal
so you know it's a comfort thing is all it is
and it doesn't mean anyone's any smarter than
anybody it just means that's what you like to
do and that's what you're comfortable doing so
um so um during the uh last podcast with me and
tofer yesterday i asked and this is the alternate
universe podcast so i asked ai for a list of
bad product ideas and it went over really well
on the show So, I mean, have you heard it yet?
You haven't, have you? No, no, I have not had
a chance. Okay, when you hear it, you'll see.
It's a very, very busy day. I told you before.
Yeah, no, no, no, I get it, I get it. I've had
some very busy days myself, and I have more coming
up. I've got vacation coming up next week, but...
It's going to be doing stuff around here that
I have to get done. So, I mean, but, you know,
it is a vacation because I'm away from work.
But try to get everything in order so maybe we
can squeeze out maybe a five -day vacation in
Florida or something in May. You know, we got
a lot of stuff going on. My mom's health. Val's
getting ready to have an operation on her back.
You know, I've got to. hernia operation coming
i mean you know we got stuff you know we're when
you get older you have to have done so maybe
we can squeeze out a five -day or we'll see um
so i'm gonna ask ai next time what um what guys
do with micropenis syndrome to make up for it
you know like some of them buy a big truck right
a huge truck Yeah, this is going to be interesting
because anybody that heard the AI list of bad
product ideas, that was really good. They nailed
a lot of them. Yeah, it was really good. Me and
Topher were laughing our ass off. I didn't really
get a chance to read them. I can't wait to hear
it. I can't wait to hear it. Yeah, you see, I
was expecting it to be stupid and we're going
to giggle over that. But instead I started reading
them and me and Topher were like, this is pretty
damn good. It actually makes sense. Yeah, it
did. It did. The AI had a really good sense of
humor. It had a better sense of humor than a
lot of people I know. So I was like, so I'm going
to ask it about micropenisine. I'm sorry. In
today's society, that's not very hard. Just saying.
Just saying. Very true. So I booked a cabin over
near the Elk River. You'll know where that's
at, Rob. Near Knoll, Missouri. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So this is like a little, I don't know, four
-day getaway deal that we got coming up in early
spring. So this is where I saw a hot chick on
a bridge while me and my former buddy, Mac, were
floating down the river with a 12 -pack of blue
ribbon on each of our stringers. You know what
I'm talking about? You got the 12 -pack of blue
ribbon hanging off of your stringer, and you're
floating down, and it's a spring -fed, fast -moving,
rapid kind of a spring. Oh, that's cold water,
man. You don't even need to buy ice. Just have
your beer off the side of the boat. I'm telling
you what, man. Even fucking John Holmes would
look small in that river. You know what I'm saying?
Oh, yeah. That thing was fucking small, man.
Your little meat whistle goes fucking inside
you at that point. So, anyhow. So, Mac starts
laughing and he says, Hey, there's a smoking
hot chick in a red bikini making fart sounds
with her tits. And I thought he was kidding.
I'm like, okay, I was wrong. I looked up and
sure enough, hot chick was on that bridge with
a straw between her twins, pushed together, making
fart noises. Rob almost cried out of pure joy.
They still exist. They still exist. And I mean,
she was like a Daisy Duke type, but only she
was blonde, just smoking hot. And she's wearing
this fucking really, really small bikini. And
Mac and I just like went, oh my gosh. That was
a 90s girl. Yes. After we heard the fart noises,
both him and I heard angels and harps. I would
have said 80s, but they've been sagging. Yeah.
Yeah, no, no, no. 90s. This is early 2000s. This
is early 2000s. Okay, yeah. They might still
be perky. Who knows? You know, maybe she got
some bolt -ons. She could have got some bolt
-ons and they're fine. You know, I don't know.
So, all right. The sad part is we remember the
ones in the 80s. That's right. Before the bolt
-ons were so common, you know, the bolt -ons
got like fucking, you know, they got popular
really, I don't know, maybe 2005, 6, 7. Yeah,
more women were getting breast jobs, augmentation.
I think it became cheaper because more doctors
were doing it. So, anyhow. So, Joe Biden sent
a message about the passing of Jesse Jackson,
and it went like this. My condolences to Jesse
and his family, especially his brothers Jackie,
Jermaine, Tito, and his sisters Janet and Latoya.
And next. I want to fact check that one. Just
say it. Because I can see it. I can see it. I
actually, I really do think it's a joke, but
if it wasn't, it would not surprise me. It would
not surprise me. And if anyone goes, why are
you making fun of Joe Biden? It's pretty much
fucking truth. I mean, the guy's lost so much
cognitive behavior. Anyhow, it's undeniable.
He is diminished, and I'm not making fun of him.
He's in his 80s. You know, that happens. So I
was watching the Olympic speed skating pursuit,
is what they call it. This is three skaters in
a row skating together, synchronized in unison.
You know, they're supposed to be graceful but
fast, right? And the idea is to be graceful while
you're winning the race, you know. So they're
all, like, holding on to each other's back. You
know, the Italian team was facing some Euro team
like Sweden or something like that. The Euro
team looked okay, but the Italian team, all the
men in the skin -tight body suits all had severe
male camel toe. I'm not kidding you. It was like,
dudes, tape that shit back, tuck it or something.
It was nasty. It looked like a couple of pair
of Elfineers fucking, or a deflated basketball.
It looked like someone took a deflated basketball
and fucking munched it up and put it in their
fucking skin -tight fucking body suits. Oh my
gosh, it was like some of the worst fucking male
camel toe I'd ever seen. There you go, everybody.
There's your dick jokes. Yeah, yeah, there you
go, dick jokes. All right, we got it covered
already. We're doing good tonight, Rob. We're
doing good. We're 15 minutes in, and we already
got a couple of dick jokes out, and even a Joe
Biden joke. I'm going to pat ourselves on the
back. I guess so. So, okay, so now we go to this,
Rob. Okay, we've been preaching this forever
now. You know I'm getting ready to go into AI,
right? Remember? We've been preaching this forever.
Okay, you know where I'm going with this because
we've been talking about this for years now.
AI generated evidence is a threat to public trust
in the courts. And what have we been saying?
It's going to get to where someone could kill
someone in broad daylight. And if there's no
physical witnesses, he can go, someone is framing
me. That is a deep fake. That's not me. And then
the jury is supposed to be without, you know,
no doubt, without a shred of doubt that the guy's
guilty. So if deep fakes are getting that good,
how can you have absolutely no doubt on anything?
Yeah, because not the average juror, I mean,
you have to be a specialist to be able to look
at them and tell whether they're... Yeah, but
it's getting to where the specialists really
can't tell either, and that's the problem. Yeah,
I mean, it's hard. This slippery slope has officially
went over the cliff like we were talking about,
and we knew it was going to be sooner than later.
Well, it's happening right now. When California
Judge Victoria Kalasky revealed a video of a
witness in Madone's versus Cushman in Wakefield,
something felt wrong. The witness's face was
nearly motionless and the footage had strange
cuts and apparent repetition of her mannerisms.
The judge identified the evidence as AI -generated
audio and video of a real person. The self -represented
plaintiffs had submitted deepfake videos as authentic
testimony. The case appears to be one of the
first instances where a deepfake was submitted
as a purportedly authentic evidence and detected
as ai generated judges have expressed concerns
about fabricated and doctored documents submitted
into evidence fabricated evidence is not a new
problem for courts but the technology to produce
it has never been so accessible or inexpensive
as it is now especially for photos audio and
video like we've been saying Now, they caught
this one, but you know there's going to be some
of them that they not caught. They don't have
right. I could say so much more, but we're not
going to go into that because we don't do that.
No, we kind of brush the edges. Yeah, we brush
the edges, but I could go deeper, but I'm not
going to. No, I know, Rob. And you and I have
had plenty of conversations outside of this program.
Yeah, yeah. And I've already changed my show
once today, so. That's what you're saying. You
said just start another one. Yeah, I started
this morning with one show. Well, by the time
I found things today, the whole show's changed,
so. Yeah. Yeah, let's keep it there. Yes. By
the standards of today's AI capabilities, a video
from Madone's is incredibly primitive. Today,
anyone with an inexpensive monthly subscription
to one of the several common AI services can
produce a higher fidelity fake in moments. Modern
AI tools enable far more plausible versions of
Madone's fakes. So, okay, I mean, like I use
AI that I was asked, was it last week? was I
asked how I use AI in the email, right? Yeah.
How many voices do we have on this thing now,
on this show? Maybe. I don't know. We have a
lot, probably 30. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, probably
at least two. And that is because of a subscription
service that I pay for, so I get a different
voices. I can keep the show fresh. You know,
just me and you and Topher talking all the time,
to me, gets boring. And I'm sure to everyone
else it does, too. Now, you have these different
voices. You have these radio voices. You have
these meek voices. You have these female voices.
It makes the program more... entertaining in
my idea, you know, but I get all this like 20
bucks a month and I have access to like a hundred
different voices I can use. So I could only imagine
the deep fake ones that people buy, you know,
subscription services and they're getting so
much better. I mean, it's, it's crazy. So we
could do a promo using Tom Petty's voice. Yes.
Yeah. And, and you know, Yeah, that's true. Good
point. We really don't want to do that. No, no,
no. That's disrespectful. Yeah, me too. I don't
want anyone else's voice. I want different voices
on here. Fakes. Fakes, yeah. That's why, like
on the KY promo, our homage to KY, I use my voice.
Yeah. Right, right. Yeah, I mean, I could go
with a deeper, you know, hey, this is KY -107,
you know, Springfield, you know, whatever. But,
no, I feel like there's got to be a personal
element to it. Yeah, and you did it properly.
Yeah, so, I did the best I could. I don't think
it sounds horrible, you know. Other people can
do it better, but I don't think it sounds horrible,
so I'm good with it. So, we're moving along here.
Great news. Sunday night, Topher is going to
join us on the Douchebags. Yay. Right on. Yeah.
Yeah. Yep. So, that's going to kick ass. Yeah,
you mentioned that a while ago, dude. Yeah, yeah.
I said that off of the program. That's why I
was saying it now. Wow. Yeah, we weren't on yet.
That's how come I got that response. I was expecting
you to go with me and go, yay, like we never
talked about it. No, we were not. Yeah, it has.
Yeah. Since Topher and I have talked, yeah, I
cannot wait. I'm drunk. It was funny, too. Topher's
like, I don't want to step on Rob's toes. And
I go, fuck. I said, he's been wanting to do this
for a long time. I know, so. Topher, Topher,
I give you permission. Step all over my toes,
please. He's going to be on here Sunday night,
so it's going to kick ass. Awesome. Yep. So we
are extending our brand to piss off more people,
and I'm very happy about that. What about you?
Oh, I love it. Our stinky footprint is getting
larger. All right. A food influencer dies after
eating a poisonous devil crab for views. A food
influencer has tragically died after eating a
poisonous devil crab for views. She allegedly
ate the poisonous crustacean during a social
media video. Sadly, the devil... I know, especially
since the title of the devil crab is poisonous.
Just the name devil crab, would you eat that
damn thing? It's called a devil crab. Yeah, wouldn't
you be like, no thank you, I think I'll pass.
Anyhow. Yeah, definitely. So, a food influencer
has tragically died after eating poisonous devil
crap for views. I don't know if I'd call it tragic.
I'd call that stupid. I mean, no disrespect to
the dead, but... Right. Tragic? Tragic is when
a four -year -old boy gets cancer, or someone
dies in a wreck. Not someone death by stupid.
Death by stupid. That's like eating Tide Pods.
Yes, yeah, that's not tragic. That's stupidity
that got you. You're too dumb to live, in my
opinion. And I'm not saying anything about this
influencer. God rest her soul. Right, right,
right. Maybe she got her wires crossed and didn't
realize it was that poisonous or whatever. So
she allegedly ate the poisonous crustacean during
a social media video. Sadly, the devil crab meal
killed 51 -year -old Emma Amit. Amit allegedly
harvested the shellfish from a mangrove forest
near her home in Palawan. The video showed her
cooking the devil crab in coconut milk before
taking a bite. Sadly, she fell ill the next day
due to the toxins in the animal. She was taken
to a hospital where she later died. Rob, did
she not think about faking this? You know how
easy it is on video to fake something like that?
I mean, since she soaked it in coconut oil, she
could have put the devil crab in one side and
then put another crab that looked like it in
another side and chose to, you know, and grab
that one to eat instead of the devil crab. They
do it on TV all the time. Yeah, yeah, I don't
understand why she didn't do that. To me, that
doesn't make a lot of sense, except... You were
meant to go. That's it. You did something dumb
enough to get you off this earth and it worked.
So, that being said, Rob, let's turn this whole
thing over to you. Okay, yeah, I'm going totally
away from everything you've talked about so far.
That sounds good. And we've got a new guy coming
up at the end of this segment. We've got a new
guy that's going to explain periorgasmic I can't
wait to hear that. Yeah, yeah. New guy. He's
still pissy, though. I heard him recording it.
I know. Yeah. Okay. I have a question for you,
Mark. Yes. Have you ever wondered what town in
the state of Missouri had the first electricity?
You know what? I don't know if I directly wondered
about that, but similar things. And yeah, that
does interest me. Well, like I said, this show
just totally turned on me tonight. I ran across
this and it caught my interest because you're
going to be amazed. Okay. You will be amazed
because you know this town. Butler? Butler? Butler.
Okay. Yes. The small town about midway between
Kansas City and Joplin became the first town
in Missouri to have electricity. I wonder if
the Flamin' Lantern restaurant there has something
to do with that. It might. Well... I always thought
that was a peculiar name. Oh, no. Yeah, now that
I'm thinking further down the story, let me...
Okay, go ahead. Long before the bright lights
in St. Louis were spared, this small town earned
its prominent nickname as the Electric City.
On the evening of December 6, 1881, Butler made
history. It became the first town in Missouri
and the first city west of Mississippi River
to be illuminated by it. municipal -wide electric
power system. While metropolitan hubs like St.
Louis had been dabbling with electricity in individual
buildings, namely the Tony Faust restaurant in
1878, Butler was the first to scale the technology
for an entire community. Craig goes to Captain
M .J. Tigard. I've heard that name before. It's
known around there. Okay. A local leader with
a vision far ahead of his time. After being mesmerized
by new electrical displays at the 1876 Philadelphia
Centennial Exposition. Tigray returned home determined
to bring that future to Missouri. He formed the
Brush Electric Light and Power Company of Butler.
His ambition did more than just light up the
courthouse, it created a legacy. Today Butler
holds the title of the oldest continuously operating
municipal electric utility in the United States.
While Wabash technically lit its streets first
in 1880, they eventually sold their utility to
a private company. So, yeah, Butler is on there
since 1881, a year later. So, yeah, Butler is
the oldest electric company. Pretty interesting.
Yeah, like I said, I read that. Oh, yeah, that
totally changed. That story that I got rid of.
Yeah, that surprises me because... I found that
in Butler. Butler is not on railroad tracks,
is it? Yeah, it is. Wait a minute. No, no, no,
there's railroad tracks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The
old railroad tracks. Yeah, okay, okay, that makes
sense. Because back in those days, the railroad
tracks were the lifeblood. Yeah, they delivered
coal to the fire. Yes. Back then is when they
had coal hatches in every house that had a furnace.
And it's a big steel hatch that opens up and
the coal whatever is, you know, Carrying the
coal, it has a slide that goes into there, and
they slide all the coal into the basement, and
then that's where you shovel it into the furnace.
So, yeah, so those types of towns on the railroad
tracks were more modern back then, if you will.
Yeah. Because they had more accessible ways of
getting products to them. So that makes sense.
So, okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah, I found that
interesting. I really did. Yeah, so do I. I love
stuff like that. Thank you, Rob. That was really
cool. Thank you. Alrighty, let's take our first
break. And guess what I got in my filthy little
hands? Email. Hello, this is the new guy. And
these two dim light bulbs want me to explain
something else again? Okay, this is a more recent
study on this newer syndrome with odd symptoms
for sure. Periorgasmic phenomena are uncommon,
often unexpected physical or emotional reactions
occurring immediately before, during, or after
orgasm, such as an uncontrollable crying, laughing,
headaches, or pain. A 2026 study found these
symptoms are normal variations of sexual responses
rather than pathology. with 61 % of affected
individuals reporting physical symptoms and 88
% reporting emotional responses. So, there you
go. Maybe these two dimwits will leave me alone
for a couple of minutes now. I just, I... Bye.
Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to
give you some tips for life. Always have a sharp
pair of large scissors. Just for the extra...
pizza without all the cheese transferring to
another slice. You're welcome, world. Two douchebags,
a microphone, and an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you first world problems. Oh,
shit. Look at that drive -thru line. Surely we
don't expect me to actually have to go in. This
sucks. Hey, if you're a fan of paying way too
much for trinkets and food, well, your wish is
coming true. Kansas City International Airport
Guest Pass program is starting today. Yes, you
too could overspend on workless trinkets and
$15 cups of coffee. Want to buy a $50 cheap t
-shirt that has KC Western Auto Building image
on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue sauce
gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40 on your
firstborn. Hurry. You know rubes are jumping
all over to get to this complete ripoff. Because
people are cheap. The boll weevil clap. Read
up on that sometime. The boll weevil clap, and
this old guy that I knew that was in Vietnam,
I probably should say, well, you know what? You
can take this part out of here if you like it.
and we could put it somewhere but this old guy
that i knew down the road from me there was a
vietnam he told me that uh one day you know him
and a couple of guys um got a day off from the
war so they went into the nearest town to go
look for some hookers you know they're like you
know if we're going to die we're going to get
laid so okay all right so they go in there and
i guess the the vietcong loaded and full loaded
the prostitutes full this stuff called the boll
weevil clap yeah oh it is so anyhow he said you
know they all went and um you know did what they
needed to do you know they thought they're all
gonna die so they went and they got laid and
next day when a guy comes in he goes oh my god
he goes i hurt so bad like you know my fucking
dick hurts like hell my stomach hurts i think
i'm gonna die what'd they do with those damn
hookers So anyhow, and he started hurting really
bad. He said it hurt so bad you could hardly
breathe. You could feel it in your dick shaft.
It hurt so bad. So they all go in, and I guess
it's like a horrible infection. And if you don't
get it treated, it will kill you. Like, you know,
go up your scrotum and into your testicles. And
anyhow, the only cure back then was is they had
to take this glass rod and shove it in the end
of your penis. and mash it with a rubber mallet.
And then you have to physically squeeze all the
infection out of your penis. I've heard of this.
Yes. And this took like four hours of mashing
this rod and then squeezing all the infection
out because if they don't get all the infection
out right then... It just flares right back up.
Yes. Seals your pee -pee shut. Yes. Yeah, that
was the old joke of, you know, if you catch VD,
your dick's going to turn black and fall off.
But there are actually STDs. That was the worst
case scenario, yeah. It actually will turn black
and fall off because the tissue will die. Yeah,
it's kind of like a Gann Green type of deal,
you know, or something like that. So anyhow,
yeah, he said after that, he said, no, no more
hookers. Great news, assholes. You can now email
the douches anytime, anywhere. In the middle
of a job interview. No big deal. Taking a bath?
No problems there. Tap dancing. Easy as pie.
Just send it to 2douches at mail .com. Do it
now, pussies, or I'll smash you in the junk.
Now it's time for pickup lines from a loser.
Are you a banana? You look appealing. Sir, I
see your qualifications here. May I ask some
further questions that could help me determine
your employment eligibility? Yes, sir. I'm ready.
Well, as you can see here, we have a large population
of different ethnic backgrounds, sexuality, and
ages. Are you by chance bilingual? Well, sir,
I'm not sure why you need that kind of information,
but, well, it was only one time in summer camp.
I considered it experimental. Hey peeps, it's
time for the police blotter. That's right, stories
about stupid criminals and the dumbassness that
ensued. Let us begin now. In September 2025,
a Canadian man was arrested for DUI while attempting
to drive a Barbie Jeep. Not only did the scaled
-down jeep stand out, not it would only go five
miles an hour. The police chase ended quickly.
The subject, George Fizzulli, did not get his
six -pack. But did get a free Uber ride with
lights a -flashing straight to jail. That was
sick. I know. Okay, hang on, hang on. Okay, yeah,
do it, try it. Okay. Yeah, I got a little phlegm.
I got a little bit of a little... Yeah, I got
that too. Yeah, all the pollen is flowing in
from the south. Is that a little bit better?
Much better. Okay. Much better. Thank you. All
right. And by the way, I am Rob in Wheatland,
Missouri, home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway
and Water Track, and also home of the Camaro
Country Store, where you can find all your needs,
including a selfie with the green St. Clair dinosaur
in the Dutton Blind Studio. Alright, I forgot
to announce the new guy right before the end
of the break. So, he's just going to pop on and
tell his... Yeah, he's really going to be pissed.
Yeah, he likes me to announce him, so he's going
to be mad. He's going to be... Yeah. Yeah, he'll
be alright. Yeah, he's going to be extra pissing.
Yeah. Alright, first one. Mark, I am hosting
company several nights a week. I love this coaster
set, handmade in Brazil. I bought this from a
street vendor when I was vacationing a few years
back. They are ceramic and I accidentally broke
one and now the set doesn't make sense. I'm really
bummed about this. Do you have any ideas, like
maybe a way to find a replacement? I've tried
but to no avail. Jeremy in Georgia. He asked
me, but Rob, do you have a suggestion? And then
I've got a suggestion too, I think. Not really.
Okay. Not really. Jeremy, use the set. The first
person to mention that it is missing one, you
simply accuse them of taking it for a practical
joke and demand it back. Then they are on the
offensive and you are off the hook. Do they get
a word? They go, hey. I mean, I don't even think
people are going to notice it, honestly, do you?
I mean, if this is actually a real email and
Jeremy really does want some ideas or if he's
just, you know, being ha -ha with us, I don't
know. But if you're serious, number one, I don't
think they'll notice they're missing one of the
coasters. You know, it could be in the other
room. But if someone does say something. You
just accused them of taking it for a practical
joke. It was right up there. What did you do
with it? And then they go, I didn't do anything
with it. You go, oh, come on, man. Come on. You're
the one that mentioned it. You took it. What
happened to it? Did you hide it? You know, all
right, funny joke. Now bring it back. Then they're
on the offensive, and they think that you have
one around there. I don't know what else. That
sound about right, Rob? Yeah, that sounds about
right. Okay, all right. All right, we move on.
You know, I like both Skid Row albums. Go ahead.
Slave to the Grind I like a little bit better.
I feel the same way. I got the edge of Slave
to the Grind. It was a little bit harder, a little
bit more edgy. It was good. But both of them
are great. And Mitch, captain of the Elks Lodge
houseboat on Lake Freeman's North Shore. Thank
you. You notice how Mitch is transitioning into
just like asking us questions now? Hey, wait
a second. Yeah. If that's an elk on the water,
that means he has beer on the water. Hey, y 'all.
Hey, I'm going to check this out. Mitch, I know
you don't have so much of a problem with me anymore,
but you still may not want me around. So, hey,
how about Rob? Take him on your houseboat. Give
him some beers. He's always welcomed me. Yeah,
he's never welcomed me. But, you know, I did
make him run through a field with a boner. I
get it. All right. You know, that man holds a
grudge. What can I say? I guess. He should have
been trying to bang a chick and that girl's in
her car. So, anyhow. All right. All right. Hey,
you know what? Seriously, thank you, Mitch. We
appreciate the emails. Yes, thank you, Mitch.
All right, next one. I like to sing Love Will
Keep Us Together by Captain and Tennille. Does
this make me a pussy? Teddy and Dover, Pride,
Delaware. Yes. Rob? I'm sorry, Mark. I got to
go get you on this. My mom, but Captain Tennille.
I listen to Captain Tennille over there. Yeah,
I got to go with you, dude. I got to go with
you on that one. In honor of your mom, I'm going
to... Teddy and Dover, you're not a pussy. I
was wrong. My mom even had an 8 -track of Captain
Tamil Inner's 74 Geodude. Oh, okay. Yeah, so...
It was a nice car. It was supposed to be my first
car, but it did not work. Oh. Okay, in honor
of your mom, Teddy, you are not a pussy. Captain
and Tennille is fucking, that is large dick music.
They rock. They rock. Yep. Yep, you are definitely
swinging if you listen to Captain and Tennille.
You're not a pussy. I put a right up there with
Bob different. Or John different. John Denver.
Yeah, Bob Denver's kick -ass, too. I know, I
know. He was kick -ass. Well, I watched a lot
of Bob Denver, too, so, yeah. Oh, yeah, Gilligan
was great. And Bob Denver was great. He was a
big stoner. I loved him. Yeah, John Denver, yeah.
I listened to him, too, so, yeah. I love that
guy. You don't want to hear Bob and John Denver
do a duet. It would have to be AI now because
they're both past, but... You know what? They
could call themselves the Denver Brothers. That
would be good. Skipper! Skipper! Rocky Mountain
High! I think we're on to something. That would
be great. Oh, gosh. And that would be such stoner
music, too, wouldn't it? You slam down a couple
of gummies and listen to that, you'd be like,
oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, this is it. Oh, yeah. Oh,
hell yeah. Oh, angels and harps, Rob. What do
you think? What? I was looking at the wall. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Angels and harps. You're
right. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I think I would actually
stop working if that came on the radio. I would
start taking my clothes off and dancing. And
nobody thinks I would ever stop working. Especially
Captain and Daniil and Bob Denver. Yeah. Or John
Denver. John Denver. Mix them all. Oh, hell yeah.
And then a little Bob Denver mixed in. Skipper.
Oh, hell yeah. Fuck yeah. And Jell -O. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. A big bad of Jell -O. If you
don't know who we're talking about, look them
up. Yes, yes. Yeah, Jell -O. You know what? I
had a request. Yeah, we're older. I had a request
about my Jell -O party that I had, a Halloween
Jell -O party. The only admission was you had
to bring a five -gallon bucket of Jell -O and
throw it in the swimming pool. Yep. And all the
chicks were supposed to jump in there and start,
I guess, like Jell -O wrestling. Well, that didn't
happen. Instead, everyone grabbed Jell -O and
started pelting the place I rented with Jell
-O all over the walls everywhere. Oh, my gosh.
I owe money. It sucked. But anyhow, all right.
That's what you did. It was a great idea on paper.
With all of our friends, that's what you got.
It was a great idea on paper, Rob. It was great
on paper. And that's it. So, all right. I was
wondering where I can see a picture of all the
podcast hosts, even new guy. Where can I find
this Terry? But he didn't say where he's from.
Okay, there's two Facebook pages of Two Douchebags
and Microphone Podcast. And new guy will not
let his picture be taken. No, I think he's in
witness protection. I mean, I don't know. He
does not want his picture taken. He's kind of
like Brandon. I recently put the Brandon segment
in. Actually, he's a lot like Jeff Yates. Yes.
You can't, yeah. Yeah, so he can't do it. He's
incognito or something. Now, I will put an updated
picture on the Facebook page. Cool. I'm going
to get an updated picture of my nutsack. Actually,
yeah, I need to get a little more active with
the Facebook page. Okay. Honestly, I've been
having quite a few notifications lately. We're
getting new followers. Oh, good. Yeah, I got
a notification yesterday saying we had seven
new followers. I haven't talked about our numbers
lately. After our millionth download, I was really
satisfied with that. Our numbers are just going
off the hook, so that's probably why we're getting
so many new followers. People are looking it
up and going, hey, here they are. So, yeah. All
right, excellent. But new guy, you're not going
to get his picture, but everybody else, Topher
and I, we have our picture up on one of them.
And then Rob and I have our picture up on the
other one. When you put them both together, kind
of like, you know, a Reese's peanut butter cup,
that will be all of the hosts except for new
guy. Yeah, and actually, for me, you'll probably
have to go back a little ways to get mine. Yep,
but we're on there, so there you go. But I will
put more of that Dave picture next time I get
a chance. And my nutsack is going up there, too.
I'm going to send you a picture of my nutsack,
Rob. Will you put it up there? Yeah, I'll put
yours on. Mine ain't going on there. Not right
now. Well, you wear a loincloth. Everybody's
seen them. I mean, you crochet with your toes.
Well, good point. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's already
seen it, so. All right. Well, not tonight, like
we talked about. I'm still at my work clothes.
Yeah, yeah. I got it on later. The loincloth
comes on later, so. Yep. All right. Yeah, that's
it. Yeah. All right, and finally. Mark, will
you research the reports of satanic rituals on
Epstein Island? I can't seem to get anywhere
looking. I found various conflicting reports.
Mary in St. Louis. Yes, I will. Actually, I was
already looking that stuff up when I got your
email. Actually, if you want some help, I can
get French or something. That would be great.
Yes, yes, please. Please do. Because... cannibalism
has been confirmed so I'm pretty sure that ritualistic
satanic abuse is not very far away because it's
been widely known for a long time that they do
this for power allegedly destroying a child in
the satanic rituals are supposed to give you
power so And so, you know, it would not surprise
me one bit. So, all right. That is the end of
the emails. We'll get into that. I'm going to
research it, and I guess Princess is going to
also, right? Yeah, as soon as I get done with
my next statement, I'll send her a message, and
if she's not busy, she'll get on. She might be
cooking my dinner, right? Okay, and Mary in St.
Louis, thank you. That is a very good subject.
I like that one. I do, too. So we will look it
up for you, Murray, and we will try to give you
the most accurate description that we can. All
right, let's turn this over to you, Rob. All
right. Well, you know. I know what it is. You
know. I'm a bag of garbage. Oh, shit. Yeah? That
was a burrito wrapper. It really is a bag of
garbage. I'm trying out. Yeah, no, seriously.
There was a burrito wrapper at some point. I
don't know. Oh, well. That's no joke. A little
surprise there. Oh, fuck. I need to replace that.
This one's wide open. Oh, yeah. Why not? This
goes right along with our beginning of the night.
Okay. Okay. More history for you. Okay. In the
18th century, if someone nearly drowned in the
River Thames, doctors didn't perform CPR because
modern resuscitation techniques didn't exist
yet. Instead, they turned to a bizarre method
that today sounds almost unbelievable. The tobacco
smoke enema. Okay. Along the Thames Riverbank,
special resuscitation kits were placed for emergencies.
These kits included bellows, tubes, and tobacco.
The procedure involved blowing warm tobacco smoke
into the victim's rectum. Yes, I said that. Why?
And this is in the Times River? Yeah. Okay. Go
ahead. I just want to make sure. They had these
kids on the riverbanks. And why? At the time,
doctors believed the warm smoke would heat the
body from the inside and stimulate breathing
in the heart. It was based on the limited medical
knowledge of the era. And for decades, it was
considered legitimate emergency care. But as
medical science advanced, the truth became clear.
Nicotine is... Toxic in high doses and the treatment
is not only ineffective, it could be harmful.
Eventually, the practice was abandoned as real
resuscitation methods like artificial respiration
and later CPR were developed. It's a powerful
reminder that even widely accepted medical practices
can be completely overturned. by better science.
Wow. How crazy. Yeah, I had to. I had to go there.
Yeah, I mean, I could see back in the day, you
know. Yeah, I could too. I mean, actually, it
makes more sense than... It makes more sense
than a lot of the other... Yeah, yeah, I get
it. That makes more sense than a lot of the other
things that they've done, so okay. Well, you
are. You are. Yeah. Very cool. Okay. Okay. for
this bag. Oh, shit. I'm going to have to hold
this side. I'm going to have to hold this side.
Here we go. The last time for that bag. Oh, hey,
this is a cool one. Okay. The famous green van
from Up and Smoke supposedly constructed entirely
from fiber weed. Pardon the cannibals. Cannabis
resin. You know what I'm talking about. Yes,
absolutely. It was actually built using a heavily
modified 1947 Chevy Step Van. In the film, the
van proudly displayed the California license
plate Y -E -S -C -A. Yes, California. A fitting
joke for a movie centered on stoner misadventures.
One of the film's less -known pieces of trivia,
however, involves a different vehicle altogether.
The van he played, MUF DVR, Which appeared on
Cheech's earlier car, which would have been a
lowrider. They stopped on the side of the highway.
Uh -huh. Was not created by a prop department.
That license plate on his Impala was not created
by the prop department. The personalized plate
reportedly belonged to a real LAPD officer who
is working security during production. Amused
by the joke, the officer willingly lent his plate
to the filmmakers. This creates a delicious layer
of irony while Up and Smoke celebrates anti -establishment
chaos and marijuana smuggling. One of his cheekiest
background gags actually gave courtesy of a real
police officer, though not on the iconic fiber
wheat van itself. Wow. So yeah, the license plate
on the Impala came off an actual LAPD officer's
personal vehicle. Okay, very cool. That is cool.
Yeah, that's awesome news. That's awesome. We
knew it was coming. We knew it was coming. Very
cool. All right, let's take our second break.
But before we go to our break, we are going to
explain to you how to win dinner with the douchebags.
And now we look in on the adventures of the Technical
Explanation Guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could
you please put my plain bread in a small countertop
appliance with heating elements that would spring
-loaded and would brown my bread adequately?
Well, first off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a
guy over there sitting at the table having a
drink. Second off, are you talking about someone
toasting your bread? Why, yes. Yes, I am. I'm
talking about my bread being toasted. Then why
don't you just ask for your bread to be toasted,
you dumb bastard? What the hell's wrong with
you? Hello, this is Phineas J. Valtaris III.
I'm here to deliver your music news this evening.
Faith No More and Mr. Bungle lead singer Mike
Patton was falsely identified as a sexual predator
in Ohio. A person that has Mike's same name confused
Google AI and then identified the singer as a
predator. Mike Patton, the singer, is working
on getting the false information scrubbed off
the internet. This is only the tip of the iceberg.
This is Phineas J. Baltar S. III. That has been
your music news for this evening. I have one
burning question for you all. Do people really
skip around the Maypole? Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. Bumblebees have been
proven to sing to their young. Have you ever
wondered what something came about? Have you
ever looked at something and said, hmm, I wonder
what the origin of that is? Well, so have we.
That's why we give you The Origin of... The Origin
of Knee -High Soft Drinks. Claude Hatcher overheard
a route salesman enter the plant one day and
describe the competitor's tall bottle as being
knee -high. NEHI originated with the Cherro Cola
Company in Columbus, Georgia by Claude A. Hatcher
in 1912. Since the dawn of time, weird shit has
happened. Strange occurrences, unexplained phobias,
and other odd happenings. Over the next minute,
we would like to bring you odd, rare phobias
and conditions. Hutchinson -Gilford Progeria
Syndrome. Cases known on Earth 100 to possibly
150. This causes young children to age quickly,
such as hair loss, thin, fragile skin, and cardiovascular
issues, while the child's mental capacity stays
the same. There is unknown cure and very little
treatment options. Strange, but true. In a remote
area of the Amazon rainforest, a small parasitic
catfish is reported to swim and cave the urethas
of those who are mating in the Amazon River.
also called the vampire fish, that follows a
urine stream, lodges itself in the urethra, expands
its fins to stay in place, and consumes tissue
until hemorrhaging kills the host. The reports
date back to the 19th century. The first documented
removal from the human occurred in 1997. Continuing
our quest here at Two Deuce Bags and a Microphone
to be constantly funny, once again we offer you
Strange insults from an alien. When you always
get it from your computer, your headphones don't
catch them. You watched the news. It looks grim.
Is an apocalypse inevitable? We suggest you download
all our podcasts beforehand and have multiple
mobile chargers. We have the post -apocalypse.
Post -apocalypse protein might be hard to come
by. The animals could be contaminated or scarce,
if any at all. This is where protein powder is
essential in a post -apocalypse survival. The
powder is easy to keep and does not require refrigeration.
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here
in the Kansas City Metroplex. At the Talk is
Cheap studio. My goat is pathetic. I'm sorry,
man. I got too much. Anyhow. Sorry. Go ahead.
It's been a long week. It's been a long week.
Yes, it has. I am in Wheatland, Missouri. Home
of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and Water
Track. And also home of Hickam's Country Store.
where you can find all your needs, including
a selfie with a green synchro dinosaur and tornado
selfie for your car or car wash. In the Duck
Mine studio. Why not? Let's add a little bit.
It might as well. Rob, I love the way you add
that ever since I told you about that. Just every
now and then. Just every now and then. Well,
severe weather season is approaching rapidly.
We're getting towards March, so it's going to
start becoming more prominent. So if you're down
in that area and you see large hailstones, go
to Hickamos and go in their car wash like my
friends did and save your car. That's your public
service announcement. Now go fuck yourself. All
right, I got a story here. A German practice
is making its way to the United States. NBC Los
Angeles reported on January 21st. Lüften, which
translates to airing out, but is also called
house burping. It involves opening doors and
windows, even in the dead of winter, to bring
in fresh air. Air quality professional Tony Abate
is a fan. He said outside air can decrease concentrations
of mold, contaminants, and carbon dioxide buildup.
Optimal times to burp the house include first
thing in the morning, after showering or cooking,
and after having visitors. And it doesn't take
long. Ten minutes, no more than that is really
necessary. Said Abate. So, house burping. There
you go. I get it. Yeah, I do too. As a matter
of fact, it can be really cold. I mean, you have
to turn your furnace up for it. I've had that
for years. I really have. Yeah, me too. Even
when it's really cold, that crisp air coming
in really kind of gets all that contaminated,
stale air out of there. And, I mean, you have
to turn your furnace up afterwards to heat the
house up, but it's well worth it. It's well worth
it. I just feel so much better with the fresh
air in there. So, I agree with that. All right,
Rob, you got something? Yes, I do. All right.
That sounds good. Okay, there's so many damn
different ways to pronounce this guy's name.
I'm going to pronounce it mine. Okay. Actor Shia
LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf. Yeah, you know who I'm
talking about. Yes, I do. Was arrested in New
Orleans and accused of hitting two people outside
of a Wall Street business amid Barney Gross celebrations,
according to police. Uh -huh. LeBeau? Is that
how you say it? LeBeau. LeBeau. LeBeau. Okay.
39 was kicked out of the business early Tuesday
after he caused a disturbance at the business.
The New Orleans Police Department said. Once
removed from the building, the victim reported
being struck by LeBeau, who used his closed fist
on the victim several times, police said in a
news release. The victims reported that LeBeau
left, but then came back acting even more aggressive.
Multiple people tried to hold down the Transformers
star and former Disney child actor, but when
they let him out to allow him to leave, LeBeau
is alleged to have hit the same victim with a
closed fist to the upper body, police said. LeBeau
then reportedly assaulted another person, punching
him in the nose. Police said LeBeau was again
held down until police arrived. LeBeau was taken
to the hospital for treatment of unknown injuries
and he was arrested upon his release. He was
charged with two counts of simple battery, according
to police and online records. It is not clear
what circumstances led to the incident. Wow.
Wow. There's actually some pretty good video
footage of it if you look it up online. Yeah.
I mean, I think there was alcohol involved. It's
New Orleans, you know, and it's Mardi Gras time.
Yeah, see, that's what it was saying, how he
was down at the Mardi Gras and stuff. Mm -hmm.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, see, he's been fighting
alcoholism. Yeah, he has. That's true. That's
a good point. He has been. And here, yeah, I
just went down even further and said, at the
time of the suit, LeBeau said he had no excuses
for his alcoholism or aggression, only rationalizations.
Okay. So, yeah, I... Oh, dude. Well, he's going
to be paying out quite a bit of money. I mean,
the video shows him just being kind of on a rampage.
So he's going to be showing Elson Doe he may
watch what he's doing from here on out. I don't
know. Right. And to be honest, he ain't no punk
from what I've seen. Yeah. I haven't seen that
video, but he ain't no punk. No, no. I know that
from the past. No, no, no, you're right. You're
right, he isn't. So, yeah, he's, yeah. He needs
to get that figured out. I can tell you that
right now, so. All right, thank you, Rob. You
ever wonder what the least and most expensive
grocery chains are in America? No, I really haven't.
Kind of like you all, though, but tell me. Okay,
the least expensive chains in America goes like
this. Costco is number one least expensive chain.
Number two is BJ's, and it's like a Costco. It's
a wholesale warehouse. Liddy, I don't know that
much about them. L -I -D -D -Y is number three.
Aldi. is number four winco is number five heb
is number six they have them down in texas quite
all over walmart is number seven and i believe
that's probably sam's club too i imagine market
basket is eight target is nine and wegmans is
10. now here is the most expensive one according
to um Damn it, I forgot to write down the online
magazine that I read this in, but you can find
it. Just Google it if you're that interested
in it. The most expensive is, number one is Whole
Foods. Number two is Shaw's. I'm not sure where
that is. Number three is El Rancho. I'm not sure
what that is. Jewel Osco. I've shopped at one
of them before, so yeah, they are pretty expensive.
Mariano's. Osco, yeah. Vaughn's, which is Safeway,
number six. Okay. Big Y is number seven, whoever
they are. Tom Thumb, which I've shopped at before,
number eight. Number nine would be Albertson's.
Okay. And Albertson's is all over, too. They're
in Texas and all kinds of places. Actually, they're
down around Waynesville in the St. Robert area,
11 and 2. Oh, are they? Albertsons is? Yeah.
I didn't know that. Okay. Yes. Okay. And then
finally, Trader Joe's rounds it out the most
expensive at number 10. And I knew Whole Foods
was going to be. Jeez, Whole Foods is ridiculous.
And the stuff there isn't that much better, if
any at all. Yeah, I just, I think people subscribe
to it because someone told them, oh. This stuff
is just so good. It's so much better. Yeah, I'm
sorry. So, all right, that's it for that. It's
9 -12, Rob. You are the one that haven't eaten
yet and still in your work clothes. Do you choose
to go on or you want to end this? Yeah, actually,
I got one more. Oh, sure. Okay. Because this
is, like I said, the things I found. At the end
of the day, it kind of actually caught my attention.
Like this one. While most of the daylight saving
time related bills in Congress are focused on
locking the clocks an hour ahead of standard
time, a newly introduced piece of legislation
is taking half that approach. The Daylight Act
of 2026, introduced by Representative Greg Stubb,
Representative Florida, earlier this month, calls
for our clocks to slide forward a half hour from
where they are now and for the twice -annual
clock changes to end. I like that. Though losing
a half hour of sleep would be less harmful than
a whole hour of setting our clocks forward at
all, it's still less desirable for health in
the long run, experts say. Medically, a half
hour delay would be less harmful than a full
hour delay of permanent daylight saving time
and would have the benefit of ending the biannual
change. Dr. Karen Johnson, spokesperson for the
American Medical. Yeah, I like this idea. I do
too. That's interesting. I think that would work.
I think you could probably get enough people
on board to where they're like, okay, that's
good. Yeah. Yeah, because that meets it in the
middle. Hmm. Go a half hour and just leave it.
You split the difference. You split the difference.
It makes a lot of sense. And just leave it. Quit
fucking with people. Yes, that's the main thing
is just leave it. I get it. I get it. It comes
with this. rotation around the sun. It's actually
a little more than 24 hours. Yeah, and that's
what... 24 hours or 15 minutes, something like
that. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Rob, I... Yeah. And
it takes... The older you get, the longer it
takes to recover. Oh, my God. Yes, it does. Yeah.
All right. And we're coming up on that time.
That's why I had the bridge down. I think it's
two weeks. Two weeks and it's coming up. It's
March. Oh, shit. March. It's probably three weeks,
actually. Oh, well. All right. It's coming up
soon. All right. I guess we're going to call
that a wrap, right? Sounds good to me. Alrighty,
everybody. Thank you for listening. Have a good
night, assholes. Good night, assholes. Oh, no.
Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.