Well, well, well. We see you made it back. That's
right. It's time for your favorite podcast, Two
Douchebags and Microphone, live from the historic
river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri.
But only on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays.
Otherwise, you get live from the Duck Wine Studio
in Wheatland, Missouri, and the Talk is Cheap
studio from Extreme Southern Tent for the Kansas
City Metroplex and the surrounding areas. Let's
grab a seat and see what kind of garbage they
throw at us today. Enjoy. Welcome again. We're
happy you chose us. Come on in. Wash yourself
off. Would you enjoy a bourbon and coke? There's
a liquor store down the road. If you go, I need
rolling papers. Well, since you're here, let's
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Listener, promise to download every podcast.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to make all
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Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
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finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
we must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the Fudge Factory. Yes, there's
a Fudge Factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two Douchebags
and a Microphone. Hey there. We all have those
annoying co -workers that do nothing. There's
nothing we can do about it because HR departments
are running scared of lawyers. So we have to
work with these workless pieces of garbage. But
we have to communicate about them without them
knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags Microphone,
we developed a way that you can speak about them
right in front of them without them knowing about
it. Stay tuned. First code name, Absolute Zero.
They contribute nothing and effectively stop
all molecular motion in the project. Dark matter.
You know they're there. They take up space, but
they provide no light and cannot be observed
during actual work. Static. High noise. Zero
signal. Stays in one place. Event horizon. Once
a task enters their orbit, it is never seen again.
How about buffer? They take 20 minutes to process.
A five -second request. The screensaver. Looks
like they're working, but as soon as you touch
them, they disappear. Cloud mode. Just floating
around, vague, and nobody knows what they actually
do. And finally, 404. Task not found. Stay tuned
for more of these gems. That way, if it's someone
you don't want to talk to, look off mid -sentence,
and you're done. Yes, it's true. Mark is an old
bastard. It's also true that Mark uses a lot
of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell you,
if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,
it's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. And now we look
in on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could you please
put my plain bread in a small countertop appliance
with heating elements that would spring loaded
and would brown my bread adequately? Well, first
off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over there
sitting at the table having a drink. Second off,
are you talking about someone toasting your bread?
Well, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread
being toasted. Then why don't you just ask for
your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? What
the hell's wrong with you? Hey, peeps, it's time
for the police blotter. That's right, stories
about stupid criminals and the dumbassness that
ensued. Let us begin now. An Ohio man was arrested
after authorities said he mistakenly sent a baggie
of crystal meth. through a tube at a bank drive
-thru last week. Jason G. Smith, 46, was cuffed
on December 3. After a swift investigation in
to an unexpected deposit, he made at the bank
in Woodsfield, Ohio, according to a press release
from Monroe County Sheriff's Office. Smith drove
away from the bank without realizing his mistake.
An employee reported the baggie he left. He was
picked up on a drug charge soon after. Two douchebags
and microphone. I am Mark, and I'm going to make
a little bit of noise here because I've got to
adjust the microphone. Okay, and it's going to
make noise on your end. I am here in Kansas City,
the Kansas City chapter of Two Douchebags and
Microphone, and I am in the Talk is Cheap studio,
and here comes my lovely goat noises. Population
371, home of Lucas Oil, the magnificent Lucas
Oil Speedway and Water Track, and also home of
Hickam Old Country Store, where you can find
all your needs, including a selfie with the green
Sinclair dinosaur in the blind studio. All right,
Rob, thank you very much. And how are you this
evening, Rob? Good. My big saw just got rebuilt
today. Cool. No, we tore it all the way down.
Yeah, we got new shafts. But I have the same
guard, same motor. That's about it. Okay, been
rebuilt. That's good. Well, I took the yellow
ink marker on my guard. It comes down over the
blade. That's the name of your butch for butcher?
Butch is steel. Butch is steel. Okay. All right.
And now it's going to be brand new, brand new
belts, everything. It's going to cut straight.
The welders are going to love it. Oh, good. Good.
No, we've been working with it, and we noticed
the angle kept getting further and further off.
It's not an angle. Yes. You know what I mean?
I know what you're talking about. They wear out
and they start warping. There's a lot of heat
that happens when you cut parts. Well, it was
up there. And the main body housing was wearing
out. Oh, okay. So we just replaced the whole
thing. The plant manager said, I don't want to
work on this again while I'm still working here.
Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay. He's great at what he does.
That's good. Okay, cool. Well, I'll get into
this here. I was driving home the other day,
and my Jeep gets smacked. The lady that hit me
kept trying to tell me it was my fault by saying
things that didn't happen. She accused me of
changing lanes and hitting her and badgering
me about it. I finally had to tell her, I go,
I'm not going to argue with you. So, you know,
let's let the insurance companies figure this
out because that's what they do. So, all right.
So first she calls the cops and the cops tell
her, you know, take down information. And I don't
think this lady realized that there was cameras
all over that intersection, but I did realize
it. And I wasn't going to fucking argue with
her. I knew that. I was like, okay, you know,
let's let the insurance companies. So the bitch
ends up filing a claim against my insurance.
And she was adamant about me not following the
correct lanes. And my insurance company, State
Farm, pulls camera footage and delivers her the
good news. She was the one in a turning lane
and almost hit oncoming cars by not turning in
her lane. She swerved to the right where I was
and hit the back quarter panel of my Jeep. So.
There you go. Yeah. dumb bitch i swear she um
and and i was so polite about it too i was so
polite and you know i could have lost my head
and been like you dumb bitch you hit me and you
fucking know you did but you know what i finally
learned a little bit of stuff in life and i just
killed her with kindness i was just like you
know i said look i said we both have insurance
and we're both not hurt so let's number one let's
thank god we're not hurt Number two, let's let
the experts figure it out instead of sitting
here going, I did this or you did that or nothing.
I said, accusing each other is not going to help
anything. So she kind of like, but she was, I
think she wanted to talk me into, it was my fault,
so I admit it. You know, maybe she works at a
lawyer's office or something. I don't know. I
just thought that, you know, the way she came
at me like that, badger me going, so what were
you doing? I'm driving home like I do every fucking
night on this road. Doing the same thing. I know
this road. I drive it every night. I know the
left is a turning lane and the two other lanes,
one you can turn right and one you go forward.
Always stay in the middle lane so I can go forward
so there's no doubt about it. No one's turning
in front of me, nothing. So I did the same thing
I always did. And like I thought, you know, I
think she didn't think that there was cameras
or she didn't think that they could pull cameras.
So as soon as I got home, I filled out a police
report at the exact time. So that way, when the
insurance companies get a hold of the police
department and ask for a report, they know exactly
what time it is and also told them that too.
And also the police can tell them what cameras
they can use and they'll work with them. You
see what I mean? They'll go, okay, so this is
the intersection of so -and -so, and what time
was it? Okay, all right, well, let's take a look.
Okay, what were the cars involved? Okay, the
black Jeep and then her car, I think it's a Volkswagen
or something. So anyhow, it turned out right
like it should, but I'll tell you what, people
never cease to amaze me. I mean, I could not
imagine. Now, Rob, could you do that? Could you
walk up to someone you knew you hit? and go,
what'd you do? Why'd you do that? Could you do
that and look at them in the eyes? I couldn't
either. I'm not that dishonest. I mean, unless
she really thought that I was the one doing wrong,
but I don't see how she could have thought that.
There's no way. And besides that, the insurance,
my insurance adjust, my insurance lady that she
filed a claim against said, you know what? She
said, Now, she said she also admitted she didn't
know the road and she didn't know that it was
a turning lane. So I was like, oh, okay. All
right, that's good to know. So she knew that
back then. So she was just being, trying to bully
me into admitting it was my fault and getting
me to pay for her stupid shit. So guess what?
The good news is she has to pay for her own and
she has to pay for mine now. So, you know, next
time she hits somebody, maybe she should fucking
think about that, right? Yeah. So, anyhow. So,
the problem is on this now, I've been hit three
fucking times in the last six months. Two parked
in a parking lot, and one that was on Rock Hill.
Well, you know what, I'm not going to say where.
Anyhow. So, and Topher and I almost get hit every
fucking time we head to the city market. Now
I know why insurance rates are so astronomical.
The idiots that do have insurance hit other cars
all the time and raise in all our rates. And
then the other idiots do not have insurance.
And then our insurance has to pay for them, too.
So, you know, I bag on insurance companies all
the time, right? Well, I think I kind of see
I kind of see what's going on now. Now, don't
get me wrong. They get their cut. And they're
not bashful to charge you, you know. But still,
a lot of that is just what I said. So, I have
a public service announcement for everybody here.
right i think i'm done oh shit hang on what the
hell happened there so anyhow my megaphone flipped
out on me and started repeating and i'm like
what the hell so um anyhow that's my public service
announcement for any idiot that's like looking
at facebook or texting or i don't know whatever
you know because i'm pretty much convinced Yeah,
people are stupid, but a lot of it is they don't
think they should be driving when they're driving.
They're like, oh, let's see what Facebook is
doing. Oh, hey, oh, I better text somebody and
ask them if they're going to order those cheeseburgers.
You know, shit like that all the time. Every
time I turn and I look over next to me, motherfuckers
looking at their phone. And it's really fucking
irritating, I can tell you that. I drive 45 minutes
down a two -lane country highway. That'd be nice.
Yep. And other drivers. No, I ain't got time
for my phone. No, I know. I've driven down there.
It does. No, it has to. I know you have too many
curves, too many hills, too many steep embankments,
and too many deer. So, yeah, I get it, dude.
So, you know, we fight. Not fight. We fart twice
as much as we previously thought. Scientists
discover that the new smart underwear, that they
have now, while breaking wind could help protect
against Alzheimer's and postpartum depression.
This is farting. They say it can do this. It
can help you protect against Alzheimer's and
postpartum depression. So, you know, women that
just had a kid, you know, if they fart a lot,
they may not be... They may not get depressed
like some women do because postpartum depression
is really serious. A lot of young mothers take
their lives because of that situation. It's an
odd thing that happens in the brain. I don't
know if it's chemical. It probably is. So, you
know, scientists recently discovered that we're
passing gas a lot more often. than they previously
thought, thanks to some smart underpants. But
researchers at the University of Maryland recently
developed technology to accurately measure human
flatulence, and it's up to an average of 32 farts
a day. Man, I'm an overachiever, Rob. Yeah, really?
Yeah, 32? Jeez, man, I don't know if I did that
when I was 8. I was probably up in the 80s when
I was 8. I'm thinking I'm probably 130 now. So,
in an effort to better understand excessive gastrointestinal
issues and gut microbes, the team created Smart
Underwear, a tiny wearable device that snaps
discreetly into your underwear. Electrochemical
sensors track intestinal gas product and hydrogen
and flatus around the clock. Except, ironically,
when the person is on the toilet, that type of
a smell from your flatulence. Now, that is smart
underwear, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. It's like, nope,
nope, that's a turd. Turn off. Turn off. Abort.
So, individual rates vary widely, but some farting
as few as four times a day and others up to 59
times. Oh, that's fucking baby shit there, isn't
it? 59 times is nothing. Oh, hell no. I do that
in my sleep. I do that in like two hours of sleep.
I'd probably rip, I don't know, 30, don't you
think, maybe? I don't know. I do that at least.
Oh, me too. From the time I get to work till
lunch. Yeah. Yep. Oh, same here. So, I don't
know. Well, you know what? The good thing is
we may not get Alzheimer's and we definitely
won't get postpartum depression. So how about
that, right? That's a good thing, right? Yeah.
There we go. See, our farting is doing something
good. All right. Keep eating Taco Bell. Well,
that's a whole different one. That can lead to
some disasters. Don't do that. Don't do that.
The last time I ate Taco Bell was probably the
last time I'll ever eat them. Oh, my God. Yeah.
I'm telling you what. I felt sorry for my stool.
I thought I cracked it. I had to take a look.
I was like, you know what? If this is going to
come out like this again with that much force,
I'm going to go up to Quick Trip and break their
stool. Not mine. But I was done with that. Thankfully,
that one time was it. I got rid of all of the
Taco Bell and all that and all the evilness in
my gut. And I was fine after that. So I didn't
have to go to Quick Trip and destroy their toilet.
So I love this new idea, Rob. There's a new stamp
that tells readers if a book is AI -free. You
know, you can buy organic fruit, vegetables,
wine, soap, and now you can get organic literature,
too. The word organic means that something comes
from a living thing. And these days, with AI
becoming more popular, it's not always easy to
know if something has been written by a human
or a machine. And this is true on everything.
It's like, wait a minute, I know that's not true.
And it has a picture of something that didn't
happen, right? And you know for a fact that it's
bullshit, but it looks just like something that
happened and half of the people believe it because
they don't know better. Yeah, it happens all
the time. So now that would be great. You know,
that's why there's a UK startup called Books
by People has launched an organic literature
stamp. The stamp is a way for publishing companies
to verify that a book has been written by a human.
If AI is used, it must be limited to things like
spelling and formatting, which I agree with.
According to Books by People, the stamp protects
the value of human stories and the future of
literature. A book called Telenovela something
like that, by Gonzalo C. Garcia, will be the
first to receive the stamp. It will be published
in November by Gallery Beggar Press, a publishing
company in the United Kingdom. According to The
Guardian, Sam Jordison from Gallery Beggar Press
said he's proud to be the first publisher to
place a stamp on a book, adding that the stamp
is important for publishers, writers, and readers.
For now, Books by People is only working in the
UK, but it hopes to begin publishing in other
countries soon. So I think that's a pretty good
idea. I mean, at least you can distinguish some
bullshit from real stuff just by that, right?
Yeah. Okay. Sounds good to me. It really does.
Yeah, I do too. It would help me. I know that.
Yeah, me too, because let's say we're getting
a story, right? And I thought of that too, like
you're talking about. That's what I'm saying,
that we wouldn't have half the stories we have.
Yes, yes. Well, you know what? We got the truth
in lending though, right? We got at the very
front, at the very front, you know, at the very
front of this, I said fart, I've been talking
about flatulence. At the very front of this,
we say, hey, we make shit up, we're not to be
believed, right? Yeah, so there you go. Don't
we try to be truthful with you? We really do,
but it's always fun to do something, you know,
oh, hey. Yeah, we gotta make some shit up. We
gotta make it something spunky, something entertaining,
keep people on their toes, right? Gotta keep
us on our toes. Probably a little bit of both,
yep. Okay, Rob, I want your opinion on this.
An ICU nurse reveals what every patient tells
her before they pass. People know when they're
going to die, she claims. An ICU nurse has made
a spine -chilling claim on social media, revealing
that one thing patients say to her before they
pass away. In a now -viral video, user Christina
Robb claimed she's been an ICU nurse for four
years and every single person who passes away
says the same thing. They say, can you please
tell my family I love them? I don't feel good.
I know I'm going to die. She shared on TikTok.
This is what she says they say, all of them,
before they pass. I see that. Yeah, I could too.
I mean, you know, I think that people act different.
I've been around, unfortunately, enough family
members and good friends that were on the verge
of death, and we knew they were going to cross
over sooner or later, whether it be cancer or
something else, right? but they act differently.
It could be something as simple as somebody that
got into a car accident and their family ain't
made it there yet. Yes, yes, and then they go.
Yeah, I get that. I do too. I really do. Yeah,
I do as well, Rob. Okay, so Christy claimed that
people know they're going to die because there's
a spiritual shift that nobody can explain. I
could believe that too. Don't you think? Don't
you think like, you know, the body spirit starts,
you know, probably prepping to leave this earth
and go where you go to, right? So a patient's
vitals may be stable and their condition might
not have changed. There's something inherently
dangerous that's screaming. This is what's going
to kill them, she said. She said it doesn't matter
what medicine is given, what precautions are
taken, or what procedures are done. The minute
that the inner shift happens, where the spirit
is crying out and telling the person, you have
one more, and you know what happened to my other
page here, I apologize, one more chance. This
is your last opportunity. They always die, Christy
said, while starting to cry. She then warned
her followers to stop playing around with their
lives and focus on deeper meaning of life. You
know what, I... You know what? Yeah. Yeah. I
already have. I have, too. Seriously, I already
have. You know, as you get older, you can't help
it. I think so different than I used to. The
things I swore I would never think of and think
about and use as a priority, I never thought
about when I was younger. The world was a playground.
now lost both of my parents. Yeah, I know. So,
yeah, it changes you. It does. I mean, my parents
raised me to live on my own, to be my own person.
They did a good job. And I have. I have never
went to my parents for money. Just for love and
being family, you know. No, I know that, Rob.
It really is. Yeah. But you still have to go
on. Yeah, yeah, and we do. I lost my dad a long
time ago. Well, you lost your stepdad a long
time ago, too. Yeah, my dad passed away in 99.
Okay, mine passed away in 93. So it wasn't that
far away. It was both a long time ago. And it
was different. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I still have
mom. So, yeah. Yep. All I have is the Duke. Yep.
And I'll tell you what, you know, losing a parent
sucks. You know, losing my dad sucked. But I
would say that the worst loss I've ever had in
my life. Now, animals are horrible losses, too.
You know, because I love my pets. They are. But
my brother was the worst thing. I still. Yeah,
yeah. I could still go back to that original
feeling that I had, which sucks. So, all right.
Anyhow. Yeah, because I know the bond you and
your brother had. Yeah, yep. And I feel sorry
for people who don't have that bond. And if you
don't, I encourage you to try to find that bond.
You only have, you know, you only have... One
brother or whatever, however many it is, you
don't get any more. And, you know, I looked up
to my brother, you know, when I grew up. You
know, growing up, he was a guy that, you know,
he was like, you know, I was getting my ass kicked
down the road. And my brother looked at me and
said, Mark, he goes, you know what, you're pretty
big. Yeah. Why don't you hit that guy back? Hit
him right in the face as hard as you can. And
then the guy that was picking on me relentlessly,
his name was John or Johnny. I smacked him right
in the nose, broke his nose. And my brother looked
at me and he said, there you go. Told you. Yeah.
You know, and my brother taught me so many other
things, too. Yes. And to be honest, I'm the oldest
out of all my siblings. So I know that rule.
Yeah. Yeah. You know, I pretty much worshipped
him. You know, he bought these Kiss albums and
I'm tagged along. Hey, what's that? Hey, this
is a new band, Kiss. Black Sabbath. You know,
all this cool stuff. All these posters and stuff.
Hey, what's that, John? Oh, hey, this is a, you
know, and yeah, but anyhow, you know what? That's
not what I was trying to get here, so I'm going
to go ahead and go on to this. Yeah, yeah, it's
starting to get a little deep. Yeah, yeah. Hang
on, hang on. I'll change this. Dick. Dick and
balls. There. All right, there we go. Everything's
cool. All right, we've gotten all caught up.
Angels are large. Yes. We've gotten all caught
up with all this foolishness, and I get it because
it consumes me, too. Sometimes, she said, life
is not meant to be an endless pursuit of things.
Life is meant to be enjoyed. Life is meant to
be appreciated. Life is meant to be explored.
Your spirit knows you are connected to something
deeper than what we're told. Well, I think it's
God, but you can... I'm not in the business of
telling you how you should think or anything,
but believe me, I believe in God, and I think
that all this leads to God. So, you know, viewers
on TikTok echoed her experience, and for once,
I agree with somebody on TikTok. Normally, I
think they're idiots. I have more, but you know
what? In the interest of time and how we always
run over constantly, I think I'm going to go
ahead and hand it to you, Rob. Okay, well, since
we're running short on time, I'm going to do
an ad -lib one. Okay. It's something that's happening
to me in my life right now. Okay. And it's something
that I didn't know that could happen. So far,
nobody else knew it could happen either. Recently,
I've been, well, last November, I changed my
cell phone service. I went from one company to
another. I'm going to leave it right there. I'm
not going to mention the companies at this point.
a couple days ago that the company that I started
out with is still billing me for service. Wow.
And I even had my phone number, the same exact
phone, everything switched to this new company.
Which at that time, I was told, once that transaction
happened, that the number switched. Uh -huh.
I was good. Well, that was in November. Okay.
I didn't know you could do that. But I actually
went in and this guy actually helped me. What
he told me is when you do that, you actually
need to call customer service and let them know
so they'll make sure that your service is cut
off. which is still there somehow but I'm not
paying for it plus you know So you're not going
to get your money back even though they took
it when they... Okay. Okay. Mm -hmm. just an
operator. They don't know shit. They can't do
shit. All they can do is look at your information
at a computer screen. That's all they are allowed
to do pretty much. Unless they can help you with
other things. They're the cheaper help is what
it is. That's what it amounts to. They're just
to answer the phone. This guy looked at me and
he goes, what you do when you call customer service
and talk. Talk to that person. Ask them for somebody
with loyalty. That was his exact words. Loyalty.
Okay. Evidently, that goes somewhere with this
company. I guess it's like asking for a supervisor.
Yeah, yeah. I think I know what they mean. Loyalty
means you've been with the company a long time
and they better get on the phone. Someone larger
than who you're talking to better get on the
phone and straighten this out. Yeah. And this
guy, after he said that, he explained to me that
this person will actually be able to turn off
my service on that account. Like I said, I got...
Two different services right now on this number
that I'm talking to right now. Yes. It depends
on how strong my signal is, which is not that
great here at the house. Yeah, I get poor service
at the house, but I go out to my cousins where
I never had service and I get good service now.
Well, that's because I have a secondary and a
primary service on my phone. I went into my settings
and looked. Both companies were there. Wow. Every
time I switched phones. Both companies have my
number, but I'm paying both bills. I have two
services on one phone, one number. That is so
weird. And the guy at A &T, well, no, never mind.
The guy at the... You're not bagging anybody.
So, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. Especially
this guy. He really helped me. He really did.
He told me, he goes, yeah, there is something
wrong there. Somebody dropped the ball somewhere.
Yes, you're supposed to, once you enact your
new phone company. That's why he told me to ask
for this loyalty person. Because this person
could also help me. get some of my money back.
It should have been done in November. Here it
is four months later. Yeah, they took a lot of
money. And this person can help me recuperate
some of my money. Good. Yeah, this guy was good.
I was going to originally tell a story before
I went into that store. And I was going to bag
on him. You know what? Give him a chance to make
it right. That's beyond me. He goes, same phone
number? I said, yeah. not be happening wow somebody
dropped the ball yeah okay well thank you all
right rob that was a thank you for letting everybody
know that that's really important yeah yeah yeah
so watch it if you go to change phone services
make sure you get a hold of customer service
and make sure your old services shut off because
if not And that's exactly what I've been doing.
Okay. Wow. For like four months now. So, yeah.
Okay. All right. Thank you, Rob. Let's take our
first break and come back with a few emails.
Sounds awesome. All right. Sounds great. We'll
be right back. Tomorrow morning, while grinding
your coffee beans for your double mocha latte,
remember to not get your genitals caught in the
grinder. It really hurts. And who can afford
plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone. Hey there,
slap nuts. It's time for the Creeps Music News.
Hey, my little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny
Rohypnol with your music news. Known asshole
and constant complainer and social preaching.
Hypocrite Neil Young has canceled all his 20,
26 tour dates, most in the U .S. still proving,
if you hate America so much, stay the fuck out
of it. Bye -bye, male Felicia. This is Johnny
Rohypnol. That was your music news, and remember,
bar chords are bullshit. Strange, but true. In
1962, President John F. Kennedy ordered 1 ,200
Cuban cigars right before he made them illegal.
Have you ever wondered what something is about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, I
wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so have
we. That's why we give you The Origin Of. This
is the origin of Rob Rant's loincloth. Rob used
to strip in a nightclub called McCock's on the
city's east side. Rob was the only completely
nude dancer at the club. The other dancers were
jealous of Rob making all the cash and made him
use a loincloth to dance with. Rob soon had to
wear his loincloth daily. He found out that he
could get out of traffic tickets, sell vinyl
siding, and pick up hotties at the come and go.
Rob now wears his loincloth everywhere except
work. Sparks plus pubic hair equals to bad things.
Miss Gulkenstein was tired of Mark and Toe for
making sport of her. Little did the douchebags
know, Miss Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess
when she was younger. She grew angry and cast
a spell on Rob, changing Rob into a capuchin
monkey. Mark took Rob to a local zoo so he could
be with the other monkeys. Here are the adventures
of Rob, the capuchin monkey. Shh, be very quiet.
we're going to listen in as rob the capuchin
monkey tries to sell the rest of the capuchin
monkeys amway rob has always dreamed of becoming
a diamond status amway as a capuchin monkey Little
did our hero Rob know. All the great apes owned
stock in Sam's Club and became violently pissed
off when he tried to infringe on their territory.
They promptly grabbed switches and beat his ass
for three days straight. Rob could not sit down.
Continuing our quest here at Two Douchebags and
a Microphone to be constantly funny, once again
we offer you strange insults from an alien. You
always get it from your computer when your headphones
still attached. Your mama's so stupid, she thought
lightsabers were less calories. Now it's time
for pick up lines from a loser. Hey girl, are
you a beaver? Cause damn. I had a request. Yep.
from my friend lona that listens to this podcast
and will probably listen to this but uh anyhow
some of the some she's going way back with this
uh elaborate prank and i've forgotten all about
it actually and there's like there's more on
this level specifically that i can tell you about
but this is in general this elaborate prank and
anyhow it's a really really good vicious line
of events Anyhow, kind of going to go into some
humor now. We've done some serious stuff. But
anyhow, my great buddy Davey, I think a lot of
people know him. I know Davey. Oh, yeah. See?
Jesse knows Davey. Three out of three. Cindy
knows Davey. Four out of four. Val knows Davey.
Five out of five. Okay. Well, everybody in the
whole world knows him, evidently. So, anyhow.
You know, when we were teenagers, every summer
his parents would go to Truman Lake. And they'd
take their camper there, and they'd be gone pretty
much from Memorial weekend to Labor Day weekend.
So, you know, a good two -and -a -half -month
stretch, something like that. But sometimes it
was stretching to three, depending on how they
felt, you know. And so, anyhow, this meant one
thing. Party house. Yeah. So, anyhow, you know,
Davey and I had some... evil tricks that we'd
like to play on the people, you know. The people
that all partied at the house for a while, they
were all in on the gag because they probably
had it happen to them before. Yeah. So, you know,
so anyhow, you know, they were a victim at one
point, and then after they got through with the
hurt and the embarrassment and the bruises, they
were like, okay, all right, well, it's time for
someone else. So, you know, new guys that would
come to the house. didn't know about this but
the people that were there for a while they knew
they knew they were safe so uh anyhow one of
the things that we would do is you know we'd
all be getting trashed but anyone that wasn't
at davey's house before would not know this there
was a refrigerator in the back room that contained
all the sodas all the dr peppers all the cokes
all that you know the sprites what have you Dr.
Peppers were all in the back. Yeah, and the front
fridge was full of useful stuff like food and
stuff like that. Okay So anyhow, you know, we'd
all be getting smashed and anyhow You know someone
would wake up and they'd be parched So they would
look for something that they could drink and
also have caffeine. We didn't believe in coffee
back then Coffee didn't exist. It was all soda
pop. Yep. So what we do is we would take a can
of soda And we would open it up and drink it
or throw it out or whatever. Probably drink it,
most likely. We weren't that stupid. And we would
piss in it. So we would take this can of open
Dr. Pepper, let's say. And with all the content
gone, we would piss in it. And then we'd stick
it back in the fridge. Ouch. Well, like I said,
the people that have been there for a while,
they knew about it. The new people did not. Don't
drink from the front fridge. Drink from the back
fridge. Well, if people have been there for a
while, they'll be like, uh -uh -uh. I ain't getting
this one right here. Uh -uh -uh. Oh, my God.
I'm going to go get this one in the back room.
So, anyhow, you know, it would usually end up
like this. We'd hear a scream and some cussing
and some threats and stuff like that. And then
we'd come down there, and no one would know who
did it. We're like, what? Are you fucking joking
me? And then, you know, go over there. If they
didn't, like, throw it against the wall or something,
smell it. Oh, my God, it is piss. Hey, we're
going to find out who did this, man. I'm sorry.
You can already make excuses like, well, old
man, I was collecting a urine sample for my dog.
I've got to take him to the vet later. I'm so
sorry. I should have marked this. The only thing
I had was a Dr. Pepper can. And you happened
to be the first sucker that wasn't in on the
conversation. You know how tough it was to get
that dog to pee into that Dr. Pepper can? Now
it's ruined. And it had to be a day old. My dog's
going to die because you drank his piss. Well,
anyhow. So you drink the dog's piss and the dog
dies. That's pretty bad. Yeah. I can't get the
sample to the vet in time and he's deathly ill.
Thanks a lot, fuckface. Microphone. I am Mark.
Here in the Kansas City chapter of this program
at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob in
Wheatland, Missouri, population 371, home of
the magnificent Rictus Hole Speedway and Water
Track, and also home of Hickam Oak Country Store,
where you can find all your needs, including
a selfie with the green St. Clair dinosaur. studio.
Alright, thank you, Rob. Got some emails. I'm
not as tired tonight. I had an easy day. No,
the other night, dude, you sounded pathetic.
Yeah, Monday night, yeah. I felt bad for you.
Yeah, well. Alright, the first one. Rob, have
you ever eaten squirrel meat? Oh, I love squirrel
meat. And I've been on my cousin and my wife.
Okay, Princess never ate squirrel. Okay. So,
yeah, squirrel is really good. I've heard that
it has a nutty taste because it eats a lot of
nuts. Yes, yeah, it's very good. You have the
young ones that are tender because the older
ones are all tough and muscly is the other thing
that I heard. Right, yeah, yeah. It's just like
deer. It's like cows. Same thing. You don't want
the older type of one. Well, this email goes
on. This email goes on. I have 10 of those tree
rats ready for smoking. Mitch and Freeman, Rob's
bestie and mentor. Oh, dude! Yes! No, seriously.
I just bought it. Two different .22 rifles. I'm
ready to go use this Corolla. No wonder Mitch
likes you so much better. Geez. I get it. I get
it. No, actually... Mitch made peace with me.
He said he never did hate me. He sent me an email
just for me. And he said, I never did hate you,
dude. He's just giving me shit. Yeah, yeah. But
he said he did remember the car incident very
well. He said he's still embarrassed by that.
Thank you, Mitch. Thank you, Mitch. All right,
the next one. Yeah, Mitch, squirrels, awesome.
Well, there you go, Mitch. You and Rob need to
get together and eat some squirrels. I'm itching
for some. He says he has 10 of them. He says
he has 10 of them. I don't think he's lying.
I think he'd probably be, you know. If he's up
around there, wait a second. Where did he say
he was at? He didn't. He said, oh, wait a minute.
He did. Mitch and Freeman, Rob's bestie. I thought
he was moving. All right. Mitch, when you hear
this. please reply and let us know what's going
on. Yeah, reply. If you want us to, we'll keep
it off the air. Yeah, yeah, whatever you want.
We want to know where you're at because I don't
want me making a trip up there. There you go,
Mitch. If you're in Freeman and you're not joking
around, then yeah. All right. All right, the
next one. Dudes, did any of you catch the Grammys
tribute to Ozzy? I thought it was good, especially
of Post Malone singing in the place of his good
friend Ozzy, Terrence in Utah. Yeah, I saw it.
Did you, Rob? No, I have not had a chance to
catch it yet. Okay, I thought it was really good.
I got really busy. No, I understand. I love Post
Malone singing. I think they did a really good
job, all of them. It was Slash, Duff McKagan,
Chad Smith from the Chili Peppers drumming. Oh,
Andrew Watt on guitar. And anyhow, they did a
great job of it, but they played War Pigs. I
thought that was a very odd song to tribute Ozzy
to. Number one, that's Sabbath, not Ozzy. And
number two, War Pigs? A lot of people felt like
me. They're like, man, there'd been a better
suited song. Now, Youngblood, doing the tribute
to Ozzy, he's a younger kind of outlandish guy
from England that's good friends with Ozzy, and
they worshiped him pretty much. He did a great
job with changes. Yeah, what did you say, Rob?
Well, I was just going to add, I was watching
that scene right before Ozzy died and Youngblood
and all that. because Prentiss is a big Youngblood
fan. I like him, too. Oh, I do, too. Ozzy pretty
much handed the torch to Youngblood. He did.
He did. If you look at it. Yes, no, he did. If
you look at everything. No, I agree. He did.
Oh, yeah. Very much so. All right. Next one.
Mark, what airlines are the top three in your
opinion? I'm tired of Southwest and will never
fly them again. Then maybe the worst three if
you have time. Thank you, Rossington in Texas.
P .S. Going somewhere tropical soon, I will buy
Wi -Fi to listen to you at 30 ,000 feet. I did
too. I bought Wi -Fi to listen to us at 30 ,000
feet. And I listened to us on a cruise ship too.
I bought Wi -Fi. Oh, I even did a podcast from
a cruise ship. Yeah, you do. Yep. Okay, Rossington,
I will do both of those lists for you because
it's you, Rossington. Okay, my top three, number
one's Alaskan. That's the best one I've ever
been on. Number two would probably be United.
And number three, Delta. The only thing I don't
like about Delta is they run you through Atlanta
too much, and I hate that airport. Hartsfield
-Jackson Airport is horrible. It's so huge, and
everything's just clustered. So those are my
top three. United, I had a really good experience
with them. I was in Delaware, me and a workmate,
and they had to send us to Orlando the next morning,
just impromptu. Had to happen. The people are
down there bitching, and we had to go to the
school and do some repair work. So the only place
they had on this flight to Orlando that early
in the morning was the very first two first -class
seats. So they had to buy them. So me and Brian,
the guy I work with, were like, hey, this is
cool front seat, right? We sit down. And then
the lady goes to us, would you like a beverage
and a sandwich? Well, Brian said no. And I said,
huh, you know what? Hell yeah. So I didn't know
this, but when people are boarding, she stops
everybody and gets my food and drink. Oh, they
were pissed. I had no idea she was going to do
that. She made everybody stop boarding. To give
me my food and drink. And everyone's giving me
dirty looks like, you motherfucker. You could
have waited until we boarded. I had no idea she
was going to do that. Oh, everybody's looking
at me like an asshole. And then the bottom three.
Number one is spirit. The worst one. Number two
might be southwest. And number three would be
American to me. A legion I hear is horrible,
but I've never flew a legion, but I know a lot
of people that swear they'll never do it again.
So I don't know quite on that. That's not my
experience. That's other people. So, Rossington,
thank you. There you go. Hey, guys. Thank you,
Rossington. Yep. He always has good, he has great
questions, doesn't he? Oh, he is. Yeah, he is.
He is smart, you can tell by the way he works
things. The questions he asks. Yeah. He's not
the average Joe. I know where he lives, too.
He lives over near Mesquite in Dallas, and I
love that area, too. There's a huge lake over
there. Anyhow, he's a cool guy. All right. Hey,
guys. This is Kelly again. I was wanting to know
what software you all use to process and record
the podcast. I'm interested in doing a podcast
myself. Kelly, Do you remember Kelly? Yeah, yeah,
yeah. I think I do remember a Kelly emailing
before. But anyhow, all right. Kelly, thank you.
It might be just that we have so many and we've
got busy lives. I've got so much on my mind.
Well, Kelly, thank you. I forget a lot. Kelly,
thank you. Besides my wife. I do, too, all the
time. Kelly, thank you. Okay. And thank you for,
you know, being a part of this and, and writing
in and taking the time. Okay. If it's window
based, it's audio tonic. If it's not window based,
I'm talking about your computer. You know, you
need a microphone, of course. Okay. You need,
you need a microphone. You probably need headphones.
And although headphones are not mandatory, you
can get by without them, but headphones are good
because you can hear other noises and maybe shut
them down a little bit. Yeah, the noise cancellation
definitely helps. Just like with the way I do
it, the way we do ours, I'm using my cell phone
and AirPods. But my ear pods are noise cancellation,
so I can hear everything going on. You guys can't
hear much behind me, which right now I'm upstairs
in the studio. There is nothing going on behind
me. Okay. All right. And if it's not window -based,
you know, you have your mic and your computer,
and if it's not window -based, it is called Audacity.
So Audacity non -window -based. Window -based
has to be Audio Tonic because Audacity does not
work with Windows. So if you go to download it
and you have Windows like I do, you go to Audio
Tonic, which is rebuilt for Windows. So there
you go. Either one of those two is what I use.
And if it's my laptop, I use Audacity because
it's not window -based. If it's my main home
computer, my desktop, then that would be... audio
tonic because it's window windows based all right
uh next one mark have you seen recent pictures
of trent resnor of nine inch nails he's unrecognizable
terry in omaha yeah he he's he he doesn't have
issues anymore he worked through them all and
now he likes to eat that's it he grew up he grew
up now he's like into watching movies and eating
popcorn god bless him good for him Yeah, he's
living a good life now. Yeah, yeah. Before he
was pissed off and brooding, he got through it.
He got through it. So I think that's awesome.
Yeah, he doesn't look anything like he used to,
and that's fine. All right. Finally, Mark, how
do you get blood stains out of socks? Ask him
for a friend. Donnie in Wisconsin. I forgot about
that one. I think I would just burn him. What
about you? Burn. Burn. There you go. Alright,
Rob, I think you might... You can buy like six,
eight pair Dollar General for ten bucks. Yes,
and if you're wondering, no, we're not going
to ask how you got blood on your socks. Ain't
worth it. Nope. Just saying, ain't worth it.
We don't care how you got blood on your socks.
We're just going to assume you cut your socks.
I don't care if this answers your question. That's
all. We don't need to know anything else. We
don't need to pray. Dollar General, Walmart.
Anywhere that sells socks. There you go. Buy
the cheap ones. Buy the cheap ones. And a lighter.
Yes, and a lighter. All right, Rob, let's turn
this over to you. I think you might have a little
bit of bag of garbage or something going on today.
Yeah, guess what? I do. I have a new Sonic bag.
All right. Yay. Unfortunately, I don't have much
time to fill it, so I have one tonight. Rob,
we will take any bag of garbage you will give
us and be happy with it. Actually, this is a
pretty good one. Okay. I like this one. Okay.
Nathan Nearest Green. That's his nickname, Nearest.
Okay. was born in Tennessee and became known
locally for his exceptional skill in making whiskey
long before it was a formal industry. Working
on a small farm near Lynchburg, he mastered the
full process from mashing and fermentation to
distillation. However the hell you say it. Distilling?
Oh, well. Yeah, but it's distillation. Okay,
just say distilling and people know what you're
talking about. Yeah, distilling. Yeah, there
you go. Okay. They make it harder, shouldn't
they? Yeah, sometimes writers get ahead of themselves.
And charcoal milling. A young Jack Daniels was
placed under his guidance. And it was Green who
taught him the craft. in a hands -on practical
way that only years of experience can provide
after emancipation green officially took on the
role he had already been performing he became
the first master distiller at the jack daniel
distillery overseeing production and maintaining
quality As the operation expanded, the charcoal
filtering method he refined later became known
as the Lincoln County Process, a defining feature
of Tennessee whiskey that remains in use today.
Despite this, his role was largely absent from
the brand's public story from generations. Green's
influence continued through his family. His son
George also became a distiller, and several descendants
went on to work at the same distillery well into
the 1900s. Today, Nearest Green is widely recognized
as the godfather of Tennessee whiskey, a title
rooted in skill and legacy rather than symbolism.
The story changes how the history of American
whiskey is understood. That's not something that
I did not know. That's what I like about this
Rob's Bag of Garbage. It could be something informative.
It could be something off the wall. You never
know. Well, I really enjoyed that because that
stuff interests me. How did the young Jack Daniels
get his start? Yeah, that's fucking cool. Yeah,
yeah. The way this spread out, the man that really
taught Jack Daniels ended up working for him.
Yeah. Yeah, that's cooler than hell. Only because
of the time period. We'll see. That's kind of
like the man that invented burnt ends ended up
working for, I think, maybe his Gates or Bryant's,
something like that. Yeah. Interesting. All right.
Thank you, Rob. I have an article here that I
want to get to, but I also have a Jeffy X list
afterwards. So, Jeffy X is back in business helping
us. And, yeah, there is going to be some ass
paddlings. So, please, you know who you are.
Calm down. Calm down. There's going to be some
ass paddlings. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, I forgot
about those. I need some right now. I promise
ass paddlings. And if you have any nominees,
Rob, let me know off of this show. Oh, God. okay
okay we're gonna have you some ass paddlings
whoever you are johnny and op even though his
name's not johnny yes johnny i'm gonna have johnny
okay all right we got it johnny just for you
yeah overland park's not that far i'll come over
there no no no no i love johnny he's awesome
even though his name's not johnny all right he'd
come over your house and whip your ass oh hell
yeah yeah No, Johnny is a guy that reminds me
of stuff I forgot about constantly. He's like
a historian of me. It's crazy. Yeah, I'm two
and a half hours away. Yeah, you'll get me. All
right. An Idaho man found a live alligator under
his bed on January 23rd. He was very confused
and afraid. The alligator was three foot long,
but was still capable of taking a hand or foot
off. Jonathan Headley of Kuna, Idaho, I think
that's Boise area, a suburb of Boise, okay, all
right, was shook up as he called police who originally
thought the man was on drugs. The officers responded
to his residence to actually find a three foot
alligator in the man's living room. Animal control
arrived and coaxed the animal into a cage and
was transported to the Boise Zoo for rehabbing
and probably will be kept in their tropical swamp
area. The zoo had just lost their older alligator
named Frankie. The only explanation as to how
this large lizard got into the man's home is
he had his toilet stool removed and was awaiting
a new stool. Authorities believe the reptile
scaled through the sewer pipes and made his way
into the pipe and hole in his bathroom floor.
Mr. Headley said I would have needed a defibrillator
to bring me back. I would have been his first
meal in this new home. Unless he got a mouse
or a house pet before I found it. But somehow
I managed to calm down and call authorities outside
of my... house so anyhow so yeah so so the the
smaller alligator that was still growing was
big enough to take off a hand or foot but he
is also small enough to crawl up that pipe and
get into his house would you just not shit would
you be like what I guess he probably heard something
under his bed and looked under there and saw
the red eyes and was like, oh, shit, what is
that? Because alligators at night, their eyes
are red. I would need something bigger than my
22. Yes. Yeah, alligators' eyes at night are
red, and that's how you know it's an alligator.
Yeah. All right, well, because that Jeffy X has
a list. And Jeffy X is our sleuth that uncovers
all these product ideas that didn't happen and
all these things that didn't happen because they
put focus groups to him and nobody liked him.
Now, he's been threatened. He's been shot out.
Everything. People, you know, these corporations
want to get him because they don't want their
secret stuff out. But he works for us and he
loves us. And Rob made him a bunch of stuff like
a Jeffy X underwear with an X on the Jeffy on
the back and X on the front with a Steven Pearcy
pouch. sewn in which is a the glam band rat supposedly
he had a pouch sewn in the inside of his spandex
and he stuffed socks in there to look better
and then you made him a flying bat suit and seven
one for each day of the week sergeant pepper
outfits for him he's a huge beatles fan me i'm
a simple guy i gave him 2500 bucks for hookers
and blow or to buy his mom something nice and
I don't know what he did, and I don't care. So,
all right, Jeffy X list. The first one, a Ziploc
bag labeled, do not open. This is found under
your mom's bed. Okay, you get the correlation
here? Under his bed? This is things that you
find under a bed, and it doesn't have to be your
mom's. I just added that. It could be things
found underneath a bed. A 2003 flip phone that
still has 47 unread texts. A shoebox full of
expired coupons, just in case. One single orthopedic
shoe with no mate of its anywhere. A stack of
handwritten... Do what? I see that one. Yes,
me too. I know a lot of older people. Yeah, the
shoes do get away from you. This is true. A stack
of handwritten notes that all start with... if
something happens to me. Okay. Yeah, I know,
I know. A VH tape labeled exercise, but you know
it's not exercise on that tape. Loose batteries,
all different sizes, none that work. A plastic
bag. Yeah, true. A plastic bag full of other
plastic bags. That's also in drawers too, not
just under a bed. Yeah, yeah, that's in every
home around this nation. Yep. A receipt from
a restaurant that closed before you were born.
I think I might have found that under a bed before.
Yeah, yeah. A folded piece of paper with everybody's
social security numbers. That's kind of scary.
Yeah. A remote control to nothing you currently
own. That's normal. Yeah, that's normal. A pill
bottle with no label and pills that don't match.
Yeah. Got it. Yep. Yeah. How about a handwritten
budget for 1998? And finally... I've moved a
few times. I've lost stuff like that. Me too.
And then finally, a box marked, don't throw this
away, but actually when you opened it up, it
was a bunch of rubber bands. So, all right. There
you go. All right, we are so late. Let's go to
our second break and then come back with some
other stuff. And now we look in on the adventures
of the Technical Explanation Guy. Why, excuse
me, my dear sir. Could you please direct me to
the nearest self -employed person in a motorized
vehicle that will transport me where I ask them
to in exchange for money and a tip? Do you mean
an Uber ride? Why, yes. Yes, I do mean an Uber
ride. Then just say an Uber ride, you dumb motherfucker.
And why are you constantly following me around
asking me stupid questions? Fucking idiot. Enough!
Deep thoughts with Mark. If I were floating in
outer space, if I was to paddle my arms and legs,
would I float faster? I may never know. You watch
the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
First off, repair a bug -out central location
in case the family gets broken up. Make sure
and use natural markers to ensure no one gets
lost. Civil War times, the troops used a blackjack
elm tree to meet up after battle. Grab a steak
and practice making wild turkey tracks so you
can communicate to the others where you are.
Two douchebags and microphone. The only podcast
with gusto. That's right, gusto. Just like Schlitz
beer. Google it. This is Joshua Belmont, your
food for thought man on The Hustle. Today, we
would like to celebrate Mr. Timothy J. Brottux.
who is credited for the invention of two -ply
toilet paper. Because of you, Timmy, we no longer
have to spend ten minutes scrubbing our fingernails
after every dump. Mr. Brotox, you are a true
hero. Hi there. This is your ears. Why are you
listening to this garbage? I thought we were
friends. So you want proof that we love you here
at Q -Douche Bates and Microphone Central? Here's
a proof right here. How about the drink of the
week? How to make the famous Carnival Cruise
Line Miami Vice frozen drink. Two ounces Bacardi
one, seven ounces frozen pina colada mix, three
ounces strawberry daiquiri mix, half a hurricane
glass of ice. Blend it all together and serve
with a slice of pineapple and a maraschino cherry
on top. Bam, there you go. Miami Vice, Carnival
style. As a microphone, I am Mark here in the
Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob in Wheelan, Missouri, population
371, home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway
and Water Track, and also home of... All right.
Thank you, Rob. You got something you want to
go into or I got something? No, I got something.
Okay. Okay. Have you heard about the Nancy Guthrie
story? Of course. Savannah Guthrie's mom that
has been supposedly kidnapped. Okay, well, here's
a story that goes along with that, but of course
me, it's off the wall. That has nothing to do
with it. Okay. A Domino's delivery driver accidentally
attempted to drop off a pizza to the front door
of Nancy Guthrie's house on Tuesday. Tuesday
morning. During a live taping of News Nation,
the Hill's broadcast partner, the man was seen
carrying several pizza boxes up the steps of
the residence belonging to the missing mother
of the team of Savannah Deputy's home. Journalists
gathered on the street. Oh, yeah. Okay. He goes,
we can't believe we have to say this, but me
on scene, please do not order food delivery to
a crime scene address. The Pima County Sheriff's
Department wrote in a post on the social platform
that's on Tuesday. Okay. a video shared on social
media showed the delivery driver explained that
he wasn't aware of the house belonging to Nancy
Guthrie and that the order had been placed by
a viewer for an independent journalist at the
scene that's funny So a journalist ordered the
pizza. Yeah, he had no idea. Wow. Rob, that was
a funny -ass story. Thank you. Uh -huh. Good
point. Good point. Very good. Jeez. All right.
Yeah, yeah. The rest of the story goes into that.
Yeah, which sucks. Horrible thing. That was comical
because it was an independent journalist that
ordered the pizza. Yeah. Wow. I hope he tipped
well after all of that. Right? I hope he tipped
well. That's all I got to say. Oh, I do too.
He better have. Yeah. let's lighten it up a little
bit and then, uh, we probably need to get off
here. It's nine 11 right now. I have to be up
really early. I have to be at work. Really? I
got the early shift tomorrow. So, um, once again,
I still got downstairs. So once I get home, well,
I had to take princess. Oh, okay. So you're busy.
You know what? She, she texted me today and said
she went, Uh -huh. And she went outside and her
front tire was totally flat. Oh, man. I had to
come home and take it off. She's going to take
it out. Okay. I put a little air in it last night.
That's cool. Okay, let's... It was totally flat
today. I'm thinking, what the hell? Oh, yeah.
Either a new one or get it fixed, patched, hopefully.
All right. You know what? Let's just go ahead
and close it off right there because I got to
be up early. You need to eat. So, you know what?
We're well over an hour. We gave them a solid
one. I'm also going to throw in another Topher
bit, me and Topher. Oh, and that's another little
thing I want to add. Next week, no sports bastards.
We're going to have two douchebags and microphone,
the alternate universe version. Two douchebags
and a microphone, the alternate universe version
of it. Instead of the sports bastards. Okay,
okay, so that's going to be you, too. Okay. Yep,
yep. Okay. Yeah, so it's going to be like an
alternate universe, and this is a two douchebags
microphone podcast over there. And we decided
not to do sports until the draft comes up, because
there's really nothing to talk about. And, you
know, there's only so many stats you can go through
and predictions and all that stuff. So we're
changing it up a little bit. But we won't be
doing this all the time. We're going to be changing
different types of podcasts around and doing
different ideas. And this was the first one we
wanted to try was the alternate universe to douchebags
and microphone. So, anyhow, thank you, everybody,
for listening. Yeah, I'm going to have to listen
to that. it's going to be good I can tell you
that right now so anyhow thank you everybody
for tuning in we appreciate you we appreciate
your listenership we got a lot of listeners we're
still growing so thank you very much anyhow everybody
goodnight assholes goodnight assholes oh No.
Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.