Well, well, well. We see you made it back. That's
right. It's time for your favorite podcast, Two
Douchebags and Microphone, live from the historic
river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri.
But only on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays.
Otherwise, you get live from the Duck Wine Studio
in Wheatland, Missouri, and the Talk is Cheap
studio from Extreme Southern Tent for the Kansas
City Metroplex and the surrounding areas. Let's
grab a seat and see what kind of garbage they
throw at us today. Enjoy. Welcome again. We're
happy you chose us. Come on in. Wash yourself
off. Would you enjoy a bourbon and coke? There's
a liquor store down the road. If you go, I need
rolling papers. Well, since you're here, let's
get this daily douchebag pledge out of the way.
All right, bitches, swing your hips and pelvic
thrust. Shout it out with me. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to download every podcast.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to make all
friends, family members, and workmates download
this show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to
grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
we must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone? Since the dawn of time, weird
shit has happened. Strange occurrences. Unexplained
phobias. and other odd happenings. Over the next
minute, we would like to bring you odd, rare
phobias and conditions. Kepler syndrome, or the
delusion of doubles, is a rare condition where
a person falsely believes a familiar individual,
like a spouse or family member, has been replaced
by an identical -looking imposter or duplicate.
As a type of delusional misidentification syndrome,
often linked to underlying brain issues or psychiatric
conditions, including schizophrenia, dementia
with Lewy body, brain injury, or bipolar disorder,
resulting from a disconnect between face recognition
and emotional processing. Treatment focuses on
managing the underlying disorder with different
forms of therapy and addressing associated symptoms
like anxiety. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Okay, so I have a shredded chicken soft taco.
Now I'm going to lay it flat, open it up, and
then I'm going to roll it tightly the other way.
Will it then suddenly become a taquito? Hmm.
I may never know. Hey there, slap nuts. It's
time for the Creeps Music News. Hey, my little
pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol with your
music news. Blackie Lawless founder, frontman
and owner of the rock band Wasp will not be touring
this year or even making new music. He will instead
be finishing up his autobiography and releasing
the book later this year. This is Johnny Rohypnol.
That was your music news. And remember, bar chords
are bullshit. And now we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy. Oh, my. Would
you look at the rightly scattering? It sure is
brilliant tonight. First off, you're on private
property. Second, you're in my flower garden.
Third, if you're talking about the sunset, yes,
it is stunning. And finally, would you get the
hell off my property, you annoying fucking bastard?
You watch the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse
inevitable? We suggest you download all our podcasts
beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers.
We have the post -apocalypse. Make sure and have
plenty of rope, strong threaded durable rope
with a rating of 400 pounds or greater. You need
to know basic knots so you can go to the library
and download the Boy Scouts handbook and have
a reference to slip knots and other essential
rope tricks. Rope can be used in traps to catch
food or would -be predators. Rope is a key ingredient
in post -apocalypse survival. Please remember
to go to Cole's dressing room, wait five minutes,
and scream, Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for
brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
Every Model T that was ever manufactured was
in the color black. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I am Mark. here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. And stay tuned. Here comes
my goat noises, even though you all hate them.
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, population
371. Sorry, I was wrong on that last one. He
said 340. 377. Oh, 377. Okay, sorry. I was driving
by the side. Oh, okay. Home of the Lucas Oil
Speedway and also home of Hickamola's Country
Store, where you can find all your needs, including
a selfie with the Green Sinclair dinosaur in
the duck bite studio. Wow. Oh, that's all right.
No big deal. I know you forgot Magnificent and
the water track. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You
know what? That's okay. You know what? It's free,
right? It's free. So there you go. It's free.
Yep. I'll get it right next time. Yeah. So, all
right, Rob. I hear angels and harps. Good. I
need them after today. We both love ketchup,
correct? Oh, hell yeah. I could almost drink
that shit. It's so good. I used to. I used to
when I was a kid. I don't think I did, but you
know what? It wouldn't take me very much to,
I can tell you that. Heinz revealed on January
27th the Kegchup, K -E -G -C -H -U -P, a 19 1⁄2
inch tall dispenser full of 114 ounces of that
beloved sweet red condiment, Rob. Holy cow. Did
you not hear the angels and harps? Yes, I hear.
What are you saying? I can't hear you. I hear
other things. I don't know. I hear angels and
harps right now. I got it. That was a good one,
Rob. You had me going. I'm like, you really can't
hear me? So this 19 and a half inch... Oh yeah,
I've had a long day, dude. I'm tired. Yeah, so
have I. I've had a long day, too. So, anyhow.
KTLA -TV reported that Heinz is hoping to ward
off the horror of running out of ketchup at football
parties. Jamie Mack. Nice. Yep. Jamie Mack, Associate
Director of Brand Communication for Heinz U .S.,
said the keg -chup. is the ultimate game day
companion that gives people the freedom to dip
responsibly. Fans entered to win the Keg Chup.
If you missed the contest, can sign up for news
and updates at HeinzKegChup .com. I would buy
a couple of straight up, one for the Talk is
Cheap studio and maybe a couple on hand for real
use. So, you know, one on the kitchen counter
for real use and the other awaiting use when
you run dry. So I would have one on the kitchen
counter, one in the cupboards, cupboards, and
then one or, you know, or whatever you want to
call them, cabinets. And then one here in the
Talk is Cheap studio that I can look at and feel
good. Right? Having a bad day, you go in and
you go, man, oh. I'll just go look at that keg
chup. I can't even say that fucking thing. All
right. Well, it sounds good to me, but you have
to win it. If you could buy it, it would be different.
But, you know, anyhow. And the contest is over
anyhow. So, you know, I was a little late to
it, but we probably wouldn't have won anyhow.
Right, Rob? Right. They probably gave away four
of them. I don't know. On January 24th, a calf
was born on a Mount Sterling, Kentucky farm during
single -digit temperatures, the Associated Press
reported. When farmer Tanner Sorrell went out
to check on the mother of the baby, the calf
was just frozen. Her umbilical cord looked like
a popsicle, said Sorrell's wife, Macy. The family
made a quick decision to bring the calf into
their home to warm up. I took out the blow dryer
and warmed her up and got her all fluffed out,
Macy said. Soon the visitor was curled up on
the couch with her young children, the three
-year -old Gregory named Sally. The next morning,
Sally was reunited with her mom, and all are
doing well. You know, too bad her mom's scheduled
to be ground beef soon, right? Yeah. It's a great
story, but we know where that count's going to
end, like the rest of them. But... Yeah. Oh,
yeah. Well, I mean, you know, sorry, livestock,
they don't usually keep as pets. That's just
the way it is. We eat them as barbaric as it
is. They taste fucking great, and I wish I didn't
love meat so much, but I do. Just saying, Princess
is getting ready to buy some chickens just to
have butchers. Oh, yeah. stock amount. Yeah,
yep. I don't blame you. So Topher and I were
talking, and after going to the city market for
the last podcast, the sports bastards and the
music creeps, a lot of stupid people were all
over the place. So we come to the conclusion,
and I might even say it on one of the podcasts,
I don't know, but what we want to see happen
is a bunch of hungry lions set loose in general
public that will weed out all the dumb ones.
Right? So if you're literally too stupid to live,
then that's the way it goes. We're kidding, of
course. We don't want hungry lions. They kill
children and elderly and all that. But it would
be funny if the modern idiot had a few challenges
ahead of him instead of us appeasing them all
the time and going, it's okay to be a stupid
ass. It's all right. Thank you for covering this.
Yeah. Yeah, because stupid ass... It's been on
my mind a lot lately. Oh my gosh, there's so
many people I want to hit in the face with a
hot iron and not stop. I mean, after the initial
hit, I just want to keep burning them in the
face. People are that fucking dumb. I would be
in prison for the rest of my life. Yeah, same
here. So we make it too easy for them is what
the point is. You know, we're like, okay, you
can be stupid. You know what? Here, come here.
We'll give you food. We'll give you shelter.
It's okay. It's okay if you're a dumbass. We're
all different. It's like, no, it's not okay if
you're a dumbass. If you're a dumbass, then maybe
you need to be corrected. Maybe you need to get
kicked in the ass a few thousand times until
you finally learn your lesson. But that's never
going to happen because there's too many people
going, leave them alone, all that stupid shit.
All right, I'm going to move on here. So, Rob,
I'm sure you've heard of it, but the Simpsons
have predicted many events that would happen
in the future. It predicted Trump being president.
It predicted Disney buys 20th Century Fox. The
U .S. winning gold in curling at the Olympics.
So now, Simpsons fans claim 25 -year -old episode
about crazy creeps on an island was inspired
by Jeffrey Epstein. and the Lolita Island. And
I went back and I watched this on YouTube, and
it is remarkably similar to that island. The
Simpsons also become known as Pop Culture Oracle,
credited for predicting everything from COVID
-19 pandemic to AI taking our jobs. Isn't that
something, how they predicted all this stuff?
Rob? No, no, it's an ongoing thing. Every time
you turn around, they predicted something else.
I know, it's crazy. They have. I mean, they're
better than Nostradamus. I know, yeah. Seriously.
No, because Nostradamus was in a cloud of, let
me think how to say it. Oh, kind of like he's
very he was very vague about so many things that
anyone could really set him and you could connect
the dots if you really wanted to. I mean, some
of the stuff was really close, like Hitler and
he's called him Hister or something like that.
Yeah. Yeah. But a lot of them were like really,
really reaching. And I mean, I feel like, you
know, it's kind of like Gene Dixon. She hit one
thing really big and then the rest of life, everyone
followed her. And it's like, she didn't hit anything
else after that. And I think she might have,
like, an earthquake or something. But now we
have a cartoon that hits it on the head every
time. Yeah, I know. And the funny thing is, it
shows you how parody is so close to real life
anymore. Right. You know, it used to be like,
oh, man, that is so far -fetched. But stuff like
this has happened. Like COVID -19, you know,
everyone's like, oh, that's so far -fetched.
Well, they were right. And AI taking our jobs
back in the 80s, 90s. The Simpsons started in
1988 on the Tracy Ullman show, and then it got
its own show in 1989. And they've been predicting
stuff like this since 1989, way before computers
were around for home use. This is before Windows
NT or DOS even. Most people didn't even have
a computer back then. I just find it just, it's
really... Yeah, yeah, they have such a, what
would you say it? Such an imagination that graphs
so far that they're able to like hit these weird
predictions as we go on in life and things like
truth becomes so strange that it actually hits
it. It's kind of like fiction meets real life
now because things are so fucking weird. So anyhow,
I'll go on. So our suggestion is everybody start
binge -watching The Substance. And you'll know
what's going on. More than Gene Dixon. I think
she's dead, though. All right. So now the fans
claim that the 25 -year -old episode of the clairvoyant
cartoon anticipated one of the most sordid sagas
of our age, Jeffrey Epstein's Pedophile Island.
The episode in question, titled A Computer Wore
Menace Shoes, which aired in 2000. So it aired
back in 2000, dude. 2000. Wow. Nobody knew about
that place in 2000. No. Homer discovers the internet
and starts a gossip blog, writing under the A
-list, Mr. X, Jeffy X's brother, actually, Mr.
X. Yeah. The Simpsons patriarch starts a... airing
Springfield's Darkest Secrets, eventually winning
a Pulitzer Prize for his yellow journalism. However,
when Homer reveals his identity to collect the
prize, the tips stop coming in, prompting him
to cook stories up to keep his viewership. Unfortunately,
one of these faux reports turned out to be true
when Homer is captured and whisked away to the
island, a sinister locale where people who know
too much go toward the end of the episode. Homer
escapes from the shady isle and issues a warning
on his website about some creeps on an island
somewhere who are secretly running the world.
Ha! Ha ha! Yeah. So, okay. I've got New Guy back
on track. I hope he doesn't motherfuck us. But
after you get done with your segment, New Guy's
going to tell you all of the predictions, all
like 30 of them. So I hope you guys stay tuned.
Maybe I'll break them up into two or something.
But there are so many predictions, this segment
is long. But Jeffy X, or not Jeffy X, but New
Guy, he actually agreed to do this. So I got
New Guy turned around, and he's happy now, I
think. Did you send him any more pencil shavings
or money? Yeah. I sent him another $50. Okay,
that must be it. So he's happy now. So he agreed
to do this list of the Simpsons predictions.
But that will be after we get to your story.
Yeah, yeah, he was happy. He gave himself a Starbucks
coffee. Oh, okay. Oh, he's a Starbucks fan, huh?
I didn't know that. Well, $50, you know. Yeah,
oh, yeah. Well, that'll get him one. That'll
get him one. Yeah, that'll give him a double
carmi macchiato with maybe a little special syrup
and some extra foam. Whatever it is. Actually,
I take deep drinks and black coffee. Oh, okay.
Well, you know what? That's a lot of truck stop
coffee, 50 bucks. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He'll be wired
for sound. He better sound good on this one.
He better sound good. If he had that much coffee,
he better be damn good, right? Yep. You are warned,
new guy. You're warned. So now we turn this whole
shit show over to one Rob Rad. Rob, take the
wheel. Okay. There's a new report of a possible
mountain lion in Missouri as a resident said
he nearly hit one of these big cats near the
Camden County line in south central Missouri.
There is a reason why I'm bringing this up, because
this hits home to me. Well, Camden County is
like the Ozarks, you know. And anyway, it goes
further than that. I just came across this new
Mountain Lion report that was shared by the Ozark
Hillbilly. No, not making this up. On the Love
My Missouri back... Facebook page. Here's a snippet
of what he said. He also shared his own picture
of a mountain lion with this description. Okay,
it wasn't a picture of the mountain lion. Okay.
It was of a mountain lion. Okay. While he didn't
mention what road he was on, when he saw the
supposed mountain line, it would likely be Highway
7 or Highway 54. Well, here's the thing. Yeah.
Actually, that is the only spot I lose reception.
Okay. Seriously. Okay. And it runs right along
the county line. Well, I got all looked on the
map, everything. Just to the north of that is
Mule Shoe Conservation Area. Okay. So there's
a conservation area along that route. Uh -huh.
Mm -hmm. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That would be
on the coming out of Clinton. Okay. That would
be coming out of Clinton and over to Warsaw.
It'd be over in there. It'd be somewhere up there.
Okay, anyhow, go ahead. Well, no, it'd be 7,
go ahead, and over to Climax Springs. Okay. Okay.
Anyway, it's somewhere in there. But coming down
that line, Little Niagara runs right up that.
So if this actually happened, and it goes on
to say there was no official reports made. Yeah,
probably. I mean, it would have food. It's a
spring -fed river. It's a farming area. It's
a spring -fed river. Yeah, it's a farming area.
One of the reasons a spring -fed river does not
freeze over, because the water is constantly
moving, so it will have a water source it can
drink from. Well, between 54 and 7, it's nothing
but farming community. Mm -hmm. up and down that,
but like they said, he didn't pinpoint where
he was. Well, I don't find it so unbelievable
that there would be a mountain lion there, because
we do have them in Missouri. We even have them
as far as up here. We have them as far as Buchanan
and Holt County up in northern Missouri, because
there have been a lot of sightings. Yes, yes,
yep, exactly. They should live up there. Yeah,
and they've had them up there for years, so I
know they're down there. Yeah, and like I said,
that right there would be the perfect environment
for it. Yeah, it would. Conservation land, low
-lying river. If they actually see it and have
video, that would not surprise me one bit. I'd
be like, okay. It caught my eye because it's
Hickory Camping County line. Well, this is like
Lake Area news. So, yeah, absolutely. That's
what we do. We do some of that. Yeah. So, all
right. Well, thank you, Rob. You want to take
our first break and come back with some emails?
Sounds good. Sounds great. Hello. This is a new
guy in these two. Well, I'm not supposed to bag
on them because Rob did give me 50 more bucks,
and, well, Mark's Mark, but we won't get into
that. So, here we go, those two dimwits. All
right, here are all the predictions that the
Simpsons came up with previously that came true.
A three -eyed fish. An average Joe goes to space,
and this is where NASA sends a nobody into orbit,
and that would be... One Homer Simpson, which
NASA later on did. Years later, they sent an
ordinary person into space. Bloody billboards.
They showed the first one that looked remarkably
like Kill Bill Volume 1. The billboards that
came out for that. Deer knees destroy King's
Landing. You know, this is rather in -depth,
so you either know it or you don't. So I'm going
to go on. Washington wins a Super Bowl. Many
networks try to benefit from Super Bowl by airing
special episodes of beloved shows immediately
after, but the Simpsons got on the action a few
days before the big game in 1992. Lisa the Greek
says, Lisa and Homer bonding over games, although
Homer is only interested because Lisa can accurately
predict the game, and Lisa predict that Washington
Redskins would defeat the Buffalo Bills, which
is exactly what happened later that week at Super
Bowl. Something or other. I don't know. I think
it's like 27. I'm pretty sure it's Super Bowl
27. But don't quote me on that. And you know
what? Who gives a shit? The Shard. Lisa's wedding.
You know about The Shard. It's a building. It's
a skyline. And it's remarkably similar to that,
which they built years later. FaceTime. Lisa's
in the future talking by phone on a video screen
with her mom. So then we go to the NSA and the
CIA spying on citizens, which did happen years
later and was actually proven. Then we go to
the God particle theory, which Homer actually
explains on a chalkboard. And then finally, we
have COVID and the murder hornets. If that's
not one hell of a track record, I don't know
what is. They actually make Gene Dixon look like
an amateur. If you don't know who she is, Google
it. But I believe she only had one prediction
that worked way back in the day, and I think
it was like over an earthquake or something that
someone could have predicted, but everybody worshipped
her instead and thought she was this amazing,
amazing predictor. There you go. Glad it's over.
Those two guys are idiots. And I've got to find
another job because I'm pretty sure I'm going
to be fired after this one. I was supposed to
never badmouth them again, but they're both a
couple of idiots and I can't stand them. Hey
there. We all have those annoying co -workers
that do nothing. There's nothing we can do about
it because HR departments are running scared
of lawyers. So we have to work with these workless
pieces of garbage. But we have to communicate
about them without them knowing about it. Here
at Two Douchebags Microphone, we developed a
way that you can speak about them right in front
of them without them knowing about it. Stay tuned.
First code name, Absolute Zero. They contribute
nothing and effectively stop all molecular motion
in the project. Dark matter. You know they're
there. They take up space, but they provide no
light and cannot be observed doing actual work.
Static. High noise. Zero signal. Stays in one
place. Event Horizon. Once a task enters their
orbit, it is never seen again. How about Buffer?
They take 20 minutes to process a 5 second request.
The Screensaver. Looks like they're working,
but as soon as you touch them, they disappear.
Cloud Mode. Just floating around, vague, and
nobody knows what they actually do. And finally,
404. Task not found. Stay tuned for more of these
gems. Great news, assholes. You can now email
the douches anytime, anywhere. In the middle
of a job interview. No big deal. Taking a bath?
No problems there. Tap dancing. Easy as pie.
Just send it to 2douches at mail .com. Do it
now, pussies, or I'll smash you in the junk.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Your proof the gene pool needs lifeguards. Hey
there, my little sorghum chewers. It's time for
another edition of Dive Bar Man Coats. And here
we go. Number one, the stickier the floor, the
stronger the drinks. You do not ask what's in
the well liquor. You accept it. If the bartender
calls you hun, you're safe. Cash is king. Cards
are suspicious. The quiet guy at the end of the
bar knows everything. You're not regulars. You
do not ask questions. If the jukebox is present,
you must be used responsibly. Never play more
than two songs in a row. Touching the jukebox
after midnight is a bold move and should probably
not happen. Two douchebags and microphone in
an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. What in the devil?
My bank is really out of calendars. What do they
expect me to do? Go to Walmart and buy a $3 calendar?
This is complete bullshit. I am outraged. Harambe
used to listen to our original show, Two Dipshits
and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder.
Harambe does not listen to our original show,
Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder anymore. You might ask why Harambe
never listens to our original show, Two Dipshits
and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder.
Well, it's because Harambe is dead. Senselessly
murdered because some idiot did not watch her
child properly while looking on her phone. Sadly,
Arambe does not listen to our original show,
Two Gibshits and the Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Dig Recorder, or any other show. Anymore. Sorry,
Arambe. Two douchebags and a microphone. There
is no escape. Enter at your own risk. You will
not make it out. Run while you still can, bitches.
Have you ever wondered what something came about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, Hey,
I wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so
have we. That's why we give you the origin of...
The origin of the nose ring. The middle east
is the birthplace of the nostril ring, piercing,
tracking back 4 ,000 years. Nostrils were held
as a status of upper class if they were pierced
with a ring. Next up, things overheard in hell.
Gary Glitter has been named the lead singer in
the boys' choir of hell. Christopher, you were
talking about brain maturity the other day. Yeah,
that's something that I saw an article on. A
lot of neurologists are saying that a human's
brain doesn't reach full maturity. until age
25, which I thought was rather interesting because
there's a lot of consideration of maturity when
they're talking about laws. Is a person mature
enough? Can they handle this responsibility?
Can they be held responsible for this? That brings
a lot of stuff in question, doesn't it? Yeah.
We say if you're under 18, then your brain isn't
mature enough to vote. But at 18, you are. But
at 18, you're able to fight for your country,
which to me is kind of contradictory. But your
brain isn't mature yet for another seven years.
So can you really make the decision to go and
risk your life for your country if your brain
is still immature? Well, okay. It used to be
you didn't make the decision. That's true. Now
that you do make the decision, that's very much
up for debate because is it legal? Could someone
get out of it with this defense? That's a good
question. That's a good question. There are already
people who are talking about not making people
under the age of 18 pay any kind of income tax
because they don't get to vote yet. So they are
not represented. Yeah, that's true, and they're
not felons. Yeah, that's one of the big parts
of this country is representation has to come
along with taxation. So if you're taxing a 16
-year -old or a 17 -year -old on their income,
they don't get to vote. That's true. They should
be exempt. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I really... I
don't know. I'm kind of on the fence. I see both
sides. I mean, but then 25, I mean, I think that
that right there would help the conservatives
more than the liberals. Because it's my belief
that people get more conservative the longer
they live. Yeah, and the more they have to lose.
Yes. And the more often random bad shit happens
to them. Yes. Like the old joke is a conservative
is a liberal who's been mugged and a liberal
is a conservative who's been arrested. That's
pretty good. It just depends on your point of
view. This is Joshua Belmont, your food for thought
man on The Hustle. So I just realized a genius
that gets absolutely no credit. His name is Marshall
Taylor. He's credited with the first bag of salad
mix that was bagged and sold. Yesterday. was
his birthday. I believe he is still alive. This
guy's genius will never be fully appreciated.
Before this man, we settled for iceberg lettuce
with maybe a couple of croutons and some cheese.
Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no.
He realized that Billy Americana would never
go out and buy a couple of radishes, a couple
of carrots, a head of purple cabbage, maybe snow
peas, and possibly some cute romaine lettuce
for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have
a national holiday. We salute you. Thank you
for your great work. Welcome back. This is Mark
of the Two Douchebags and Microphone podcast.
I am the Kansas City chapter of it in the Talk
is Cheap studio. And here are my goat noises
that people love. I made that last part up. Wheatland,
Missouri. Population at 371. Home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and water track. And also
home of Hickamoe's Country Store where you can
get a selfie with the green dinosaur in the Doug
Black studio. All right. Dino, the green dinosaur.
Yeah, Dino. Yeah, the Sinclair. I'm going to
look this up, Rob. Okay, I had a long day. Okay,
I want to look this up, Rob. No, I wasn't saying
you didn't have to call him Dino. I mean, everybody
knows him as a green dinosaur. What I'm saying
is this. Oh, no, it is Dino. It's me, Miss Dino.
I looked it up. Oh, I know it is. I want to know
if... the Flintstones came out with Dino first,
or if Sinclair came out with Dino first. They
have to be connected because they look exactly
the same, the green dinosaur, and they're both
named Dino, and they both have spots on them,
and they look like a brontosaurus, maybe, I think,
if I remember correctly. Honestly, if I remember
right, I think Sinclair is older. I'm not positive
on that, but I think the Sinclair was. I remember
Sinclair's when I was like six years old. We
used to go to a Sinclair's station. Well, Flintstones
is old too. Yeah, yeah. You know what? The Flintstones
were before I was born, the episodes, a lot of
them. Yeah, they both were. But I'm thinking
Sinclair came out first. I remember it well because
we went to that Sinclair station. That's when
they had the cheap soda pops in the aisle. You
know, they had the gas station and it would be
in the middle of the gas pumps. And they had
a stack of the cheap sodas and we'd head out
to the lake and we'd run by there. And I think
it's like fucking Surefine or Canfields or something
like that. I think it might have been Canfields.
Nasty shit. But we were children. So it was like,
oh, orange pop. Fuck yeah. But anyhow. All right.
And that was a Sinclair. And then we started
going to FINA because Sinclair got, I don't know,
like 10 cents higher or something. But all right.
And why you guys needed to know that, I have
no fucking idea. But I go back to. Yeah, we don't
have a clue. Yeah. It's free. You're getting
your money's worth this podcast. So all right.
First one, emails. Hey, guys. What's both your
opinions on inner thigh chafing? Please and thank
you. You're the best. Mitch, in an undisclosed
location far away. Inner... Yeah, inner thigh
chafing is of the devil. Satan came up with that.
He came up with inner thigh chafing to destroy
mankind. Right? Yes. And he's doing a pretty
good job of it, too, because there's nothing
worse than a chafed inner thigh and still having
to work. Oh, man. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've
got to use lotion or something like that. You
know, Gold Bond is pretty good, Mitch. So if
you have a lot of this chafing, what kind of
lotion do you use, Rob? Is it Gold Bond or something
else? I usually use Gold Bond, yeah. Okay. There
you go, Mitch. There is your inner thigh chafing.
Yes. Oh, my gosh. It dries. It dries. I work
with this guy that used to powder up his inner
thighs so bad that you go into this stall and
it'd be white everywhere. Oh, yeah. But, I mean,
you know, I get it. All over because people are
powdering down their nut sack and their inner
thighs. All right, next one. Mark, will you please
tell the barstool story again? That was hilarious.
Oh, wait. That was an actual funny show I heard
that on. My bad. Butchy Boy in Florence. Okay,
first off, Butchy Boy is a bullshit name. And
second off, I kind of like that. That was hilarious.
Oh, wait. I heard that on an actual funny show.
You ought to write for us. Do what now? I like
that. Yeah, that was good. That was good. Butchy
boy. Thank you. Keep them coming. Hate mail goes
to the front. You know this. That was pretty
good, though. He had me going. I'm like, barstool
story? I'm like, I don't ever recall having a
barstool story. Butchy, you're cool. All right.
Mark or Rob, do you either other you? He wrote
this. Okay. Here, let me do this right. Mark
or Rob, do either of you know what happened to
Dizzy Reed, the guitarist that originally replaced
Izzy Stradlin and Guns N' Roses, Terry and Austin?
No, I don't. Honestly, I personally do not. Terry
is thinking of Gilby Clark. Dizzy is Guns N'
Roses keyboardist, and he's been in the band
since 1990. He still tours with them and plays
with them on stage. You're thinking of Gilby
Clark, and he went solo, but he never toured
because, if what I read is correct, he has severe
stage fright and he can't get on stage. It freaks
him out. So he likes to make music still, but
Guns N' Roses, he quit Guns N' Roses supposedly
because of his stage fright. But he did put out
an album as late as like 2000 maybe. yeah it
is a solo album and his first one was called
pawn shop guitars and i wasn't real crazy about
it it was okay it was quite a stretch away from
his playing in guns and roses uh so have you
ever heard any of his solo stuff a lot of people
have not so i have not okay but no it's a gilby
clark is one that uh that was replaced that replaced
Izzy Stradlin. And then Gilby Clark left. And
it's Michael Forte now and Slash, of course.
And they sometimes have a third guitarist on
stage too. I don't know if they do that actually
in the recording, but they do that on stage sometimes.
All right. Thank you, Terry and Austin. Mark,
do you plan on trying to do other types of specialty
podcasts? I'm complimenting you. I admire your
versatility on so many subjects and your ability
to make humor out of it. Tony in Greensboro.
Tony, what a great compliment. Thank you. Topher
and I are actually talking about other types
of podcasts we can do because after the Super
Bowl yesterday, we are hitting our slow time.
Until the draft. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we can keep
it on, but we rehash so much stuff that we don't
feel like it's that entertaining as it could
be. So we're talking about doing some other stuff.
We're still working on the what really happened.
And we're actually thinking about making that
a segment instead of a whole show. Doing like
a, oh yeah, you heard this? Well, this is what
really happened. And I'll give you an example.
Okay, allegedly. When Bill Clinton got his haircut
on that airplane, I think it was in California
possibly. Allegedly, he wasn't getting a haircut,
but he was getting an oral from some chick. And
they made up that story about him getting a haircut.
So stuff like that. People say that that's what
really happened, but we're actually going to
go with stuff that's been confirmed. What people
think happened, because that's what the media
told you. Yes. Yep. And I think, who was it?
Possibly Sharon Stone or somebody was supposedly
the one giving it to him, but I have no idea
if any of that's fucking true. But, you know,
seeing all the stuff. Okay. All right. Next one.
All right. Hey, guys. Thank you, Tony, in Greensboro,
and I appreciate you appreciating us. All right.
Hey, guys. Please stop doing the bullshits on
government theft. All it does is piss me off
and ruin my day. Not like we can do anything
about it. Allen and Kansas City, yes you can.
You can do a lot about it. What you do is you
do like we do. You broadcast this to anybody
that'll fucking listen. And you tell them. And
you make them do the research if they have to.
If not, you bring it to them. People need to
be aware that we are being run by fucking crooks.
And like I said, number one, I said this a long
time ago when they first started talking about
releasing the Epstein documents. Not one person
will be arrested. And the reason is because power
protects power. They have this agreement, folks.
They have this agreement. They're only going
to go so far. That's it. And not one person has
been arrested yet. Bingo. And you won't see it.
They'll let each other turn each other in for
getting votes and just be in politics. But when
it comes to actual prosecution, they have a gentleman's
agreement. It will not happen. And I've said
this from day one, haven't I, Rob? Yes, you have.
We both have. We both have thought this. I think
I've just verbalized it a little bit more than
you. But we have both felt this way. They have
an agreement. They're not going to prosecute
each other. a show about stuff like this. And
this is stuff that we try to stay out of, and
this is why. Because we tell what we see, and
that's what people, you know, a lot of people
don't want to hear. But some people do. And I
wake some people up on what's really going on.
We need people to listen to our podcasts, right?
And doing that will make people turn it off,
unfortunately. So that's the way it is. That's
why we stay away. That's why we try to stay away
from it. But every now and then, you have to
touch on it. We are a fine purveyor of dick jokes.
Yeah. There you go. All right. And what was that,
Steve? Bunch of dicks. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Creeps.
Creeps are the worst kind. Allegedly. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Allegedly. Yeah, yeah, yep. All right,
next one. Rob, paper or cloth napkins? I'm having
company over and I'm trying to figure out which
one I should go with. I forgot this one. I don't
even think I read this one. I don't know why.
Donald and New Brunswick. It depends on the company.
If it's just a couple friends, paper. And clean.
And folded. And clean. Yeah. Bleach. Yeah. Gotta
be. Hell, my brand new. Yeah. There you go. It's
your boss. You need to do that. And trust him.
It depends on who it is. You know. Yep. And then.
Oh, go ahead. If it's your relatives you don't
like, hell, give them toilet paper. And find
China is bullshit. I'm sorry. I told you I'm
not there tonight. You are. A little feisty there,
but I like it. A little bit. I'm a little tired.
Yeah, that happens. That happens. And one more
email. And like I said, whenever the weather's
nice, we don't get as many emails. That's just
a fact. Because people are doing other things.
Yeah. Whenever we're snowed in, we get like a
hundred of them. And we only tell like five because
they're the only five worth telling. No, anyhow.
All right. Guys, you know, and that's one thing
I'm proud of. We're never short of emails. We
always get plenty of them. We always have a full
segment. Like my friend said, fuck, I can't.
Okay. My buddy that is in kind of the radio conglomerate
world. He said you're lucky to get one email
in four months on a lot of actual radio shows,
not podcasts. So we do something phenomenal here
getting people to write in. So thank you guys.
We have a whole segment for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's fantastic. And we appreciate it. At
first I did it just to get them out. Cause I
was like, all right. I tell people to email all
the time. Right. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. And
then all of a sudden I started reading them.
I'm like, these things are pretty damn good.
So they're a great segment. So, all right. And
finally. Guys, how about some Super Bowl predictions?
Manny and Harrisonville. Well, we didn't get
to do this last night. So my prediction is Seattle
by 20. I would have went with Seattle, too. I'm
not sure. I'll have to listen to the sports bastards
again. See, here's the thing. See, I've got to
go into this. I have to go into this. Go ahead.
For my cousin. Go ahead. You'll understand why
I have to. I promised I would. Okay. Last night,
well, we didn't get him home until after the
Super Bowl started. Like I said, I ain't watched
the NFL all year. I watched one quarter of a
Chiefs game. That was it. Well... And my cousin
picked up the remote just as Bad Bunny was going
to come on. I literally had to beg him to leave
the TV on. I did. Yeah. Okay. There were some
good commercials, though. No, it was all in Spanish.
It was all in Spanish. Oh, yeah. Excellent. There
you go. Awesome. That's the highlight of my NFL
this year, the bad buddy. The commercial that
was the best, I think, was the meh with Jason
Kelsey and his wife. I didn't watch none of that.
Just look it up. That was about it. Then we turned
around and came back home. But there were quite
a few pretty good commercials. I was impressed
with some of them. I'm like, okay. They were
better than the years previous because they used
to be really good, and then they started getting
weird. And I think it's like the way they advertise
to people, and a lot of them didn't make a lot
of sense. Now they're going back to being funny
and catchy. So I like that. Most of them. Some
of them weren't, but yeah. So, all right, Rob,
let's turn this to you. I know you don't have
a bag of garbage tonight, but that's okay. You're
not required to. Yep, yep. It started stinking.
I got to get a new bed. Oh, my God. Drawn flies.
Right. It's a 75 -degree day today is drawn flies,
right? Yeah. Oh, my God. It was horrible. Yeah.
So I'm going to go ahead and tell another story.
There we go. Oh, he didn't die? No, he did. Oh,
okay. Okay, when you said attempt, I took it
wrong. I was like, okay, he attempted it. Well,
yeah, well, it starts out in an attempt. No,
no, you can say it like that. I just took it
wrong. So, anyhow. The worker who has not been
identified... It's a tragic incident. I pulled
it. I bet. I bet they did. I would have said,
wrap up my lasagna immediately. I'm out of here,
and I'm not fucking paying. Oh, man. Okay. Officers
were called to the restaurant shortly after 4
p .m. last Friday. So 4 p .m. on a Friday, you
got your dinner rush. Mm -hmm. I don't know what
I, what would you do, Rob? What would you do?
Would you take, would you take photos? I think
I would take photos. Listen, the guy jumped in
a deep fat fryer and that's it for him, right?
Nothing to do there. Take photos. Oh, wow. Well,
other people had other ideas. Oh, go ahead. Go
ahead. I mean, after that, wouldn't you, I mean,
he just, I'm sorry, there's no getting around
that. He might as well die. He would be miserable
the rest of his life. Yeah, well, here's the
bullshit part of it. Okay. So she got burned
up good too. Yeah, she got burned by the grease
too. Okay, I didn't know that part. Yeah, both
Olive Garden and a spokesman for the Pennsylvania
State Police said the incident was a suicide
attempt. Wow. Out of respect for the individual
and their family, we do not release information.
The restaurant... there you go you can get your
breadsticks hell yeah and the breadsticks are
not deep fat fried because i'm betting you anything
they did not they did not change out that fryer
dude well i almost yeah they they had to no it's
it's evidence number one it would be yeah but
number two Yeah, probably. Get a new replacement.
I'm pretty sure they did. Thank you, Rob. That
was crazy. All right, do you want to take our
second break and come back with a couple more
stories? I think I have a Jeffy X list that I
tried to get to last time but didn't. Yeah, yeah,
you did. Yeah, sounds good. Okay, let me look
it up. It's somewhere around here. All right,
we will be right back. A constant pursuit for
a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from
an alien. Real hilarity. If you were a spice,
you would be flour. People often ask, how do
we cram so much funny into one little show? Well,
it's simple. We buy funny in bulk on the internet.
Hey Mark, you're wanted at the front door. There's
a big bag of funny they need you to sign for.
Okay, thanks a lot. I'll be right there. I'm
still sorting out the funny we got from yesterday.
There's your answer. We buy funny in bulk on
the internet. So you want proof that we love
you here at QD Spades and Microfilm Central?
Here's a proof right here. How about the drink
of the week? Hey, my little bacon bits. Do you
need to get to Smashville pronto? Did your friends
start without you? We have your solution. Adios,
motherfuckers. Adios, motherfuckers is one stiff
drink. It should be used with caution. One half
ounce of vodka, one half ounce of rum, one half
ounce of tequila, one half ounce of gin, one
half ounce of blue curacao, two ounces of sweet
and sour mix, Sprite or 7 -Up. Use a lemon wedge
as a garnish and put in a highball glass. Bam.
There you go. Oh, hey, look at the time. It's
time for the crazy ass word of the day. Cito,
cito, hypoperifiorgism. Hey, if you're a fan
of paying way too much for trinkets and food,
well, your wish is coming true. Kansas City International
Airport Guest Pass program is starting today.
Yes, you too could overspend on workless trinkets
and $15 cups of coffee. You want to buy a $50
cheap t -shirt that has KC Western Auto Building
image on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue
sauce gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40
and you're first born. Hurry, you know rubes
are jumping all over to get to this complete
ripoff. Because people are sheen. Oh man, what
the fuck is this? Is this a new feature? What's
inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me. If you
took my first name backwards, it would read as
cram. Hey peeps, it's time for the police blotter.
That's right, stories about stupid criminals
and the dumbassness that ensued. Let us begin
now. A Florida man stole 7 ,000 in scratch -off
tickets, then returned to the store to redeem
them just hours later. A Florida man was hit
with federal charges this week after he allegedly
stole 7 ,000 in scratch -off lottery tickets
from the convenience store. Justin Farley, 43,
pulled into a St. Petersburg Circle K store on
May 5th. He ran behind the counter, reached in
the ticket window to grab the tickets before
fleeing the scene in his gray Hyundai Elantra,
according to a probable cause affidavit. Roughly
40 minutes later, Farley arrived at the Circle
K store. He stole the tickets from, only to be
refused. He then went to a close by 7 -Eleven
to try to redeem the stretched yoffs and was
refused as well. He went back to the Circle K
store and robbed them of $120 from the till.
He was promptly arrested minutes later and is
in a cage awaiting trial. I can't take my dog
to the lake. The ducks keep attacking him. That's
what I get for having a purebred dog. Two douchebags
and a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas
City area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I
am Rob. In Wheatland, Missouri. Population at
371. Home to the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway
and Water Track. And also home of Hit The Most
Country Store where you can find all your needs.
including a selfie with the green sinker dinosaur
in the Doug Bland studio. Hey, I think I got
it right. You did. Perfect. Sounded good to me.
All right. I have a story that's going to lead
into a Jeffy X list. Do you know what an analog
bag is, Rob? No. Okay. Well, Gen Z's call this
a toy box for your attention span. There's a
new It bag, but it doesn't come with a popular
label, dubbed analog bags. Gen Z is buying canvas
totes and filling them with items to help them
reduce their screen time. So, they don't want
to be on the internet so much. Isn't that refreshing?
Cool. Yeah. So, they're packing these bags for
other things to do. The term was coined by content
creator, Sierra Campbell, who shared a video
about the analog bag saying, my biggest fear
is that I'll lie on my deathbed and regret how
much time I spent on my phone. I could see that.
I spent too much on mine because of this show,
but you know what? I don't mind it though, because
it does entertain me and I like doing it. So,
but I can see how someone can feel like that.
I basically just put... been watching some reels
lately too so yeah you know what yeah some of
those are really really good and then i have
my favorite people that i watch and stuff like
you know what i mean so um i basically just put
everything i could grab instead of my phone into
a bag she said showing a tote full of crossword
puzzles knitting needles and a portable watercolor
set and her planner one person described the
concept as a toy box for your attention span
campbell 31 said that the key to lessening screen
time isn't less technology but rather more analog
fun the concept has become increasingly popular
with people ironically using their phones to
share what's in their analog bags Sometimes referred
to as the stop -scrolling bags, the tips and
tricks on what to put in them. Campbell shared
that she got the idea after reading the book
The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, which explains
that the best way to stop a bad habit is to replace
it with something else. The book inspired the
California -based creator to replace screen time
with non -digital activities. Yeah, I agree.
So if you go to your phone for news, put a newspaper
in your bag, Campbell explained. If it's for
entertainment, try a good book. For creative
inspiration, sketching tools, or knitting. It's
just like physical fitness. Whatever activity
you'll actually do is the best one to include.
I guess that's masturbation, right? Maybe. That
too. How about drunk masturbation? Can we say
that? Well, that'd be like replacing meth with
fentanyl. Yeah. One addiction for another. Meth
or heroin or something like that, yeah. Yeah,
something. It's one addiction for another. Yeah,
yeah. You're not beating it. Either way, you're
fucked. You're not beating it. That's true, Rob.
Very good point. And trust me, I am somebody
who knows. I've beat a lot of nations in my life,
so I know. You have to beat it. You don't replace
it. Very cool, yep. How about, since we talked
about those gift bags, or bags, Jeffy X has a
list of unwanted gift bags. Yes, Jeffy. Jeffy.
He's our sleuth. Yeah, he's been rather busy
lately. He goes into corporations and uncovers
product ideas that didn't work, bad ideas like
these gift bags, stuff like that. Well, these
corporations don't want this leaked. They tear
up the files and they throw them out. Jeffy X
breaks into these places and gets this information
that they don't want him to have. Right. He's
extremely valuable. We love the guy. And he does
this for only us. But in return, Rob made him
a flying bat suit, a pair of Jeffy X underwear.
Rob is an expert embroiderer, in case anyone
didn't know. But if you listen to this, you know
this. He can also embroider with his feet, with
his toes. But he wears a loincloth when doing
it, so it gets a little drafty, right? club on
tonight it's so warm up here see there you go
well yeah so he'll he'll embroider him some underwear
that says uh jeffy on the back and x on the front
he loves it and he put in a stephen piercey pouch
on the inside of it and this was supposedly oh
go ahead what i just said yes i had to Oh, okay.
Yeah, this is of the glam band Rat. Allegedly,
he used to sew a pouch on the inside of his spandex
to put a couple socks in there and look a little
bulkier for women and maybe some gay males, right?
So he made him those, and then he didn't stop
there. Jeffy X is a huge Beatles fan, so Rob
made him the white suits that they wore on the
Sgt. Pepper's album. and he is so in love with
that. First, Rob bought him one, but he wore
it all the time and wouldn't take it off. So
finally, Rob said, here you go. He made him seven
of them this Christmas, and he wears them. Yep,
one a week. Yeah, one a day, he'd have the other
ones dry, cleaned, and then come back and get
them. So now he can wear a fresh suit every day.
And he loves that thing, and he constantly looks
in the mirror. It's crazy. But me, I'm a simple
guy. I gave him $2 ,500 either to buy his mom
something nice or spend it on hookers and booze
and drugs. And I didn't ask which one he did.
I didn't care. So, all right, Jeffy X, since
we explained him to you, here we go. This is
a list of unwanted gift bags that he uncovered.
The first gift bag that was unwanted is a urine
sample collection kit. Yeah. You know, unless
you wanted to throw it at somebody. Yeah. You
know, like Davey used to do. Yeah, it could be.
I remember Davey used to put in the mannequin.
Yeah, you know what? I'm not even going to go
into that story. All right. Next one would be
a box of VCR cables. Yeah, but you know what?
The urine sample would be a great story, right?
It's like, well, how'd you get piss all over
you? We're going to have to go with the urine
sample. Yeah, we're going to have to go with
it. We're going to think that's cool. That's
okay. We're good with that. We're down with that.
That's good. We are. Yes. The VCR cables, they
could be good. Maybe you could, like, save them
up for, like, another 30 years or something,
and then you could sell them because they'd be,
like, antiques and be like, people used to really
use these things? You know, that type of thing.
No. No. Just strip the coating and settle the
copper. Oh, there you go. You can act like you're
a meth head and do that. Yeah. Why do meth heads
do that? I don't know. Because they get money.
Oh, okay, that's why. They get money. Why don't
they get a job? Oh, drug test. They get good
money for jobs. Well, that's how I got that megaphone
that I use for the show sometimes is I had meth
heads living next to me in my house in Cleveland,
Missouri. And I ended up building a privacy fence
because like on they'd be out there on certain
nights stripping copper and and they'd be like
all fucking monkeyed out. You know how they like.
go around squirreling and shit so um after i
built my privacy fence i would peek through there
and see them back there peeling the copper out
of these um out of these cables and my um My
police megaphone has a siren on it. I used to
hit that and they would all stop in their tracks
and start running. It was so funny. And then
one time I even got on there and I clicked on
the megaphone part and said, attention, get out
of it. I said something like, get out of your
backyard and get in the front or something. And
they all ran in the house and hid. It was fucking
funny. So, all right. The next box after the
VCR cables is live spiders. Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
that's not good. What do you think, Rob? No,
no, no, no. No? You like that? No, I do not like
that. Okay, yeah, yeah. No, nix that. No, no.
The next one would be Soap on a Rope. I think
I would agree with that one, Rob. What about
you? I don't know. Well, you know what? Soap
on a Rope would be fine at home. Yeah, well...
Well, you don't have to use them in the shower.
Yeah, this is true. Okay. You can sit there and
use them like a slingshot. That's true. Rob,
you have opened my eyes. You have opened my eyes.
Soap on a rope we want. We want that. Thank you,
Rob. It's like a slingshot. How come this smells
like dial? I don't know. All right. Thank you,
Rob. That was good. I got ham with some palm
olive. Fuck. Oh, it smells good, though. Can't
someone get me some Old Spice? Come on, now.
I'm tired of Irish Spring. Get me some Old Spice.
All right. It only comes in liquid now. Oh, yeah,
that's right. That'd be kind of hard. Yeah, that
wouldn't be very easy to do. Alright, and the
next gift bag that was unwanted was fentanyl
powder. Nah, I think they got a point. I think
they got a point. Yeah, no fentanyl. Nope, nope.
Oh, this next one I agree with 100%. How about
a gift bag of Oasis Greatest Hits box set? Yes,
that thing needs to be trashed. The only thing
worse would be a Hanson one, right? Pretty close,
yeah. Nothing would beat Hanson. No, no, Oasis
is right next door. Yeah, it's right next door
to hell. Oh, did you read about the Three Doors
Down lead singer? Yes, I did. Yeah, that's right.
I got to do a music news on that. Or, I mean,
I think Phineas J. Voltaire as the third. is
actually doing one so on that well i i figured
you would judge on that that's why i let that
one i i got a hold of phineas and he said he
would do it that is sad yeah he developed cancer
and it just took him out really quick i think
it was like 48 years old yeah sucks good guy
too i've seen him open up for creed and just
really good guy so all right um the next is a
box of used syringes Yeah, yeah, yeah. Using
syringes are not very fun, I'm pretty sure. What
do you think, Rob? No, no, no. You might be able
to place pickup sticks with them or something.
You know, you know what? Yeah, or you could threaten
people with them. Pickup sticks for adults. There
we go. How about a slinky made of razor blades?
Now, if you gave that to someone... That would
be fun. That would be fun. Mommy, mommy, get
my fingers off. That would be awesome. Okay,
Rob, this next one. Jeffy X. I don't think he
did this. I think someone snuck in here and put
this one in here. Two douchebags and a microphone
autographed poster. Rob? That kind of hurts.
We spent a lot of money getting those paid. Yeah,
we did. I mean, I don't know why people don't...
I think that this is wrong. I think someone snuck
in there and commandeered the list and made it.
We know Jeffy X didn't do that. Yeah, because
he would not have put that on. No, no, no. He
would not have let that through. No, we love
Jeffy, and Jeffy loves us. And then finally,
how about a gift box of bloody Kleenexes? Yeah,
I think I can go along with that one too. Yeah.
Yeah, I agree. So that is the Jeffy X list. So
now, Rob, we turn to you for the next bit of
whatever you got. All right. Hulk Hogan won't
be as heavily featured on the real American beer
products moving forward. Yes, I did, but I actually
heard it on Bubba the Love Sponge's show, because
I still listen to that. But go ahead and go into
it, please. Not everybody knows. Okay, okay.
The Upshark beer brand announced it recently
reached a new milestone, sharing that it has
sold its one, ten, yeah, not one, ten millionth
can of real American beer. To celebrate the reaching
the milestone, Real American Beer and Nasty will
undergo a And I'm looking at a picture of it.
Uh -huh. Truth be told, it looks like a Natty
Light can to me. Yes, I looked at it. That's
the first thing I thought, dude. Yes, I agree.
Natty Light. Yep, Natty Light. Natty Light is
in the blue. Yeah, anyway. Yeah. I think they're
trying to kind of make it like a popular beer.
You know, they're trying to make it look like
it. And I'll give you an example. Like Garage
Beer by the Kelsey Brothers, you know, Travis
and Jason. It doesn't have anything about them
on it at all. It just says Garage Beer. You see,
and it sounds like crazy. Actually, it looks
like, and you will remember this, and some of
our listeners will remember this. Back in the
day, we had this thing. Yes, black and white.
Do you remember the generic beer? Yeah, it was.
That's what the garage beer cans looked like.
And I see why they did that. Yeah. That's pretty
cool. It's like the generic, it was a white can
with a black type, like just regular type that
said beer. And it just said beer on it. And it
actually sold really good for many years. Yeah.
Yeah, I knew a lot of people drank it. On occasion,
you know. Well, it was made by Budweiser, you
know, Anheuser -Busch, and some of it was made
by Miller. It depended on what kind you got.
And yeah, it was made by the regular beers. And
really, I didn't, I had some of it, but I wasn't
much of a beer drinker back then. And to me,
it just tasted like a regular Pilsner or a light
beer, something like that. It wasn't anything
fancy. Everybody was doing that. My parents didn't
drink, but my neighbor's... I did. Well, Dad
did. Well, yeah, my neighbor's dad did, too.
And he went from the generic beer to Pabst. And
Pabst was actually good. And it's still, it's
not as good as it used to be. It was sold to
a brewery, I think a South African brewery. And
they changed the formula or put cheaper ingredients
in, in my opinion. I don't like it as well. But
when Pabst rebranded, they did something really
cool. And they did something called Gorilla Marketing.
And I was down at Buzzard Beach with a friend
of mine. And these hot chicks come in with a...
like Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots and tank tops
that said Pabst and hats and caps that said Pabst.
And they started throwing swag to everybody and
buying the whole bar around a Pabst. And this
is before it came back. This is when nobody remembered
it. Only a few people. Oh, my grandpa used to
drink that beer. And it made a serious comeback
about 2000. And it went from nothing to like
a distant fourth place after the big three Miller
Coors and Anheuser. And so. They did it with
guerrilla marketing, hardly any money at all.
And everyone started drinking Pabst. Well, first
thing they did was they installed a Pabst tap.
So you get in draft. Then they started selling
it for a buck. a buck a draw. And then they started
having hot chicks came in. A buddy of mine's
got a Pabst belt buckle, real high quality metal
one, huge one that he got from for free. I got
like three or four Pabst shirts and I got a cowboy
hat that said Pabst on it. I still have it. I
got to find it. I'm going to put it in the studio
here. Um, but they did it with gorilla marketing.
And anyhow, uh, what were we talking about? Garage
beer and Oh, real American. I'm sorry. Let's
go back to that. Yeah. Yeah. Real. Yeah. I have
a little more hair. Yeah, I realized that after
I went off on my Pabst story. Hey, hey, that's
what we do. We talk. No, it's cool because it
was really neat because one of the hottest chicks
there had a whistle. And she walked in the door
with like four other ones. And she blew that
whistle so everyone would look at her. And they
started throwing Pabst posters at everybody.
They had it coordinated perfectly. And pretty
soon, everybody in Buzzer Beach drank Pabst.
It was crazy. And then I started pissing people
off because I did a fully dressed Pabst, which
had like the little umbrella and the lime and
the maraschino cherry. And I used to put it in
a Pabst bottle and people come up and go, what
the fuck are you doing? I'm like, this is a fully
dressed Pabst. And I'm like, well, what's that?
Oh, that's a naked Pabst. We had them going.
And the other thing we used to do is whenever
chicks would come up to us in Buzzer Beach, our
friend bartender Mark, he'd been there forever.
I think he's still there. But anyhow, whenever
they'd ask us to buy them a shot, we'd go, okay,
it's got to be the one we give you. So I had
this thing called Pap Smear on the Beach. that
I named it that. And there's one called an anal
probe that my friend Mac named. And the one that
Mac had, had like old crow, wild turkey, all
this disgusting stuff, Jaeger, all mixed together
in a shot. And I took the most disgusting stuff
I could and mix it together and made them take
that shot. They never bothered you again. One
chick almost hit Mac in the face. She was so
mad after he gave her an anal probe. She made
a fist and reared back, and then she stopped
herself. Anyhow, Rob, let's go back to this.
I'm sorry. I got stories. Yeah, because you're
taking me into some stories I can bring up about
drinking in the bar. You can all you want. This
is a free fall podcast. Hey, hey, hey, this is
a beer story. Why not? Yeah, go ahead. Let's
hear it. 50 golden tickets will be randomly placed
inside 12 packs of Real American Beer nationwide.
So they have 50 12 -packs. The lucky people who
find a golden ticket will receive a Real American
Beer 12 -pack autographed by Hogan. That's a
great idea. That's going to bring attention to
the brand. You see, Hulk Hogan was going around
on a Walmart tour. Did you know that? Yeah, he
was. Yeah. Yeah. No, he was in, he was at Lake
of the Ozarks. He was at Frankie and Louie's,
I think. Oh, was he doing the Great American
Beer thing? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay, like a beer,
wine store, alcohol store. And it's right on
KK. Coming into Osage Beach. Oh, okay. Yeah,
I know where that's at. Okay. Snickerdoodles?
Snickerdoodles? That sounds... Something like
that. Scooter, Scooter Do... No. Something like
that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, he might have stopped
there, too. Okay. All right. I believe it. He
made a lot of stops. And allegedly that might
have led to his earlier death because they worked
him so hard. I don't know if that's true or not,
but... Well, he was also a Lake of the Ozarks.
You never know. Well, he used to party there,
too. I mean, Harley Race, that was his area.
Yeah. Him and Harley Race used to be soon hung
out. Yeah, Harley Race had the wrestling school
up in Elvin. Yes. Yep. I know. Wow. Ted DiBiase
Jr. Wow. He worked with him. Yeah, you know,
Hulk Hogan almost killed Harley Race accidentally.
He threw him over the top rope into a chair.
He did it slightly wrong. It hurt Harley really
bad, but he got up and, you know, and he finished
the match. He was headed home and his spleen
and something else exploded. And it almost killed
him. They barely saved his life. And that's because
Hulk did it just so... I mean, that's the thing
about that sport is people don't really realize.
I mean, look at Owen Hart. No, was it Owen Hart?
Yeah. Yeah, Owen Hart, dying. Yeah, he's the
one that... Kemperina, yes, from the rafters
because he did that thing where he flew through
the air on a rope. And then, you know, who was
it? One of the Von Eriks died in Japan falling
off the top rope on his head. About the same
time Sting was doing it, too. Because me and
a couple of buddies were at the very last Monday
Night Nitro in Kansas City. And Sting... He started
doing that and then the Owen Hart thing happened.
So Sting kind of shut that down. Coming down
from the Raptors. You know what? I don't blame
him. That was a very dangerous stunt. The company
made it that way, you know. Okay. All right,
it is 923. Rob, do you need to go to bed here
soon? I'm off tomorrow. Yes, I do. I still need
to go downstairs because Princess has my dinner
waiting on me. All right, well, do you want to
go ahead and say goodbye to everybody then? Yes,
let's say goodbye. All right, everybody, thank
you for listening. Yeah, for now, we'll be back
Wednesday night, and you'll probably get it Thursday
morning, my prediction. Anyhow, thank you everybody
for listening. Good night, assholes. Thank you,
everybody. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks
like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.