Well, well, well. We see you made it back. That's
right. It's time for your favorite podcast, Two
Douchebags and Microphone, live from the historic
river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri.
But only on Tuesdays and sometimes Wednesdays.
Otherwise, you get live from the Duck Wine Studio
in Wheatland, Missouri, and the Talk is Cheap
studio from Extreme Southern Tent for the Kansas
City Metroplex and the surrounding areas. Let's
grab a seat and see what kind of garbage they
throw at us today. Enjoy. Welcome again. We're
happy you chose us. Come on in. Wash yourself
off. Would you enjoy a bourbon and coke? There's
a liquor store down the road. If you go, I need
rolling papers. Well, since you're here, let's
get this daily douchebag pledge out of the way.
All right, bitches, swing your hips and pelvic
thrust. Shout it out with me. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to download every podcast.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to make all
friends, family members and workmates download
this show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to
grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show. and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
we must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the Pudge Factory. Yes, there's
a Pudge Factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two Douchebags
and a Microphone. Hey peeps, it's time for the
police blotter. That's right stories about stupid
criminals and the dumbassness that ensued. Let
us begin now. In September 2025, a Canadian man
was arrested for DUI while attempting to drive
a Barbie Jeep. Not only did the scaled down Jeep
stand out, not it would only go five miles an
hour. The police chase ended quickly. The subject,
George Fizzulli, did not get his six -pack. Bit
did get a free Uber ride with lights a -flashing
straight to jail. There was an article about
Warren Buffett in an online magazine. Bill Gates
said that Warren Buffett bought him lunch a while
back at McDonald's. He paid with coupons. Question
of the week is this. Would that behavior be considered
cheap or thrifty? Write us now, or I will sick
my trained pet hammer to attack your knuckles,
punk. Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm gonna
give you some tips for life. Freeze grapes instead
of ice cubes. To use as ice cubes, that way your
bourbon and coke will remain mixed to perfection,
and your drink will never get watered down. Hey
my fellow heavy breeders, this is Dash Riptide.
Your music news. Tony Omi, the godfather of metal,
is featured in the new limited docu -series I
Omi, the godfather of heavy metal which streams
exclusively on Gibson TV with the first volume
released in early 2026. The series from Gibson
Films explores his life, the origins of Black
Sabbath, and his immense influence on metal and
music. A deep dive into Iommi's life, including
his formative years in Birmingham, the extent
that shaped his guitar sound, and the birth of
Black Sabbath. Interviews with other legendary
musicians like Brian May, Rob Halford, Slash,
and Zach Wilder also featured. Don't miss it.
This is Gash Riptine, and that was your music
news. If it's too loud, you probably have ear
damage, just like me. Here we go. Signs that
you might be a pussy. Signs that you might be
a pussy. If you've ever had Phil Collins or Oingo
Boingo posters on your wall. If you've ever raised
your coffee mug or tea glass with your pinky
extended. If you often lotion up your hands with
no apparent reason. If you like poached eggs,
if you sing along to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,
or if you have ever wore a pair of Crocs, even
just trying them out, you are a pussy. This is
us calling bullshit on politicians and their
corruption. We the people should have so much
more money in our pockets instead of greedy corrupt
politicians. The Fleece Us Blind Daily. Stay
tuned and listen up. Syracuse University compiled
a list of government theft and corruption from
roughly 2015 to 2025. In this span, there has
been thousands of scandals, 506 instances of
misconduct, In the last 100 years that they know
about, the IRS has investigated over 300 pandemic
funds misuse and or theft. Now let's take a quick
peek in Minnesota, that goofy, questionable governor
and all. The Feeding Our Future campaign from
2022 to 2026 feds uncovered a scheme stealing
taxpayers' dollars in the millions. and taking
from hungry children. What kind of a piece of
shit does that? I'll tell you, career politicians.
Right, Timmy boy? How about the NYCHA bribery
of 2024? 70 current and former employees of NY
City Housing Authority charged with bribery and
extortion. Costly the hard -working taxpayers'
millions. Again, 2 ,039 investigations into COVID
relief funds with extortion and theft as the
culprits. Senator Robert Menendez charged with
bribery offenses. Prime example of corruption.
Annually, taxpayers lose close to 521 billion
to elitist crooks. Now do us all a favor and
add up all the theft cost and think of how many
children could have been fed or how many schools
could have been built with quality teachers.
How much crime could have been solved? New roads.
And finally, more money in your pockets and less
in these thieves' hands. Two douchebags and a
microphone. I'm Mark, here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. Hey, my goat's
spot on tonight, isn't it? Oh, awesome. Hell
yeah, yeah. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it. Oh,
and by the way, by the way, I am Rob. I am in
Wheatland, Missouri. Population of 377. Woo -hoo!
Home of the Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track,
and also home of Hickam Oak Country Store, where
you can find all your needs, including... a selfie
with the Sinclair dinosaur in the Doug Vine studio.
Wah, wah. That was kind of a snotty wah, wah.
Well, I just added the population. I like that.
I like that little ad. I like that little ad
on. That was good. That was really good. Real
quick, I'm not going to say names, okay, but
I want to get into this little sad news. Remember
the mom we were talking about the other day that
we pissed in the Pepsi can and all that? Yeah.
She passed away. Oh, my God. Yesterday evening,
I got a message from her son. Hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on, hang on. Hang on. Okay. All
right. We had to do a little secret inside, uh,
whatever you want to call it there. Yeah. So,
you know, um, uh, uh, she's old, you know, it
sucks part of life. Um, anyhow, um, I'm pretty
sure she probably listened to that episode, uh,
somewhere, hopefully heaven. And it's probably
very angry at us. What'd you say? She's been
angry with us all her life. I knew it was those
little fuckers. I knew it was them. I knew it.
I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. And I knew that
was piss. And I knew that was spit. Actually,
I don't think we did piss in it, did we? We just
put tobacco spit and a bunch of other cayenne
pepper and stuff. No, we weren't mean enough
to put piss in. Well, anyhow, I'll get on it.
You know what? I know who I can ask, and I will
confirm or slap down whether we pissed in it
or not, okay? And I'll let you know. Okay, so
maybe there was urine in it. Is that what you're
saying? Yeah, maybe. Possibly. Okay, I just knew
it wasn't mine. Yeah, maybe, possibly. That story
could be true. Well, you know what? Just saying.
Yeah, okay. Well, the pearly gates, if you get
a brick to your face, you know what happened,
right? We're over 40 years later, so, you know.
Yeah, you know what? I'm pretty sure. 40 years
is the dividing line between ha -ha and anger,
right? Now it's ha -ha. Right. Okay, okay. We're
safe then. We're safe. We're right there. Yeah,
we're right there. There we go. Okay. We're all
in here. You know what? You know what? We love
you. You know who you are. Yes. Yes. Okay. I
haven't talked to him in a while. Right, right,
right. I mean, I was with him in time of need
the last time, if you know what I'm talking about.
When he was hurt. Yeah, I talked to him, and
yeah, we're good. And I do need to get a hold
of him, now that you mention it. I did not know
that happened. Yeah, yeah, say something to him.
I know he'd love to hear from you. I have to,
I have to. Yeah, you know, even with his issues
and all, I still love the guy. I mean, you know,
I grew up with him. He's just such a nice, he's
so nice. We put him through so much shit. You
know, yep. We know him. We know him. The only
other thing I've got to say is this right here.
With all his issues, the only person he ever
really hurt was himself. Exactly. And he does
that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a great guy.
I love him. And I hope that everything is better
for him now. So, you know. I mean, except for
this deal. Well, the motorcycle wreck didn't
help either. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Yeah.
Oh, he was. That was the time I was talking about.
Yeah, he was in the hospital. Oh, okay, okay.
Yeah, okay, gotcha. Okay. All right, we'll move
on. We'll talk about that outside of the podcast.
Yeah, so, all right. That's on us. Sorry, everybody.
Yeah, yeah. You know what? It's free. Somebody
we know, not you guys. Yeah, yeah. But I stress
it's free. If we charged for you, you'd have
a beef. Be like, I paid $3 .99 for this bullshit,
but you don't. So, and also, you have this thing
on your fingers, you know, your fingers on your
hand, right? And you can always push this thing
off, you know. Unlike some people who think they
got a bitch and constantly complain. You know,
best thing to do is turn it off and move on if
you don't like it. You know, I... No, no, no.
Keep complaining. It makes good emails. You know
what? You're right. Yep. Rob, I'm sorry. I stand
corrected. Keep sending them in, especially the
really, really mean ones. Yeah, the ones that
are so insulting, it hurts your feelings. Keep
them coming. We love them. We love them. But
Rob, I'm happy to say, since I had some concern,
I guess, or whatever, I don't know, some, let's
see, forceful suggestions, I've got a new Crumb
Wars and a new Jeffy X list. Oh, awesome. Yep.
So, all right. We're at least going to get to
the Crumb Wars. That's where we pick Crumb. You
know what? I'll describe it when we get there.
And the Jeffy X -List. If we get to it, we will.
If not, it will be on the next one. So, all right.
First off. There are Crumb Wars that I actually
didn't take part of. Yes. All right. First off,
no Walmart story today. I went to Target, paid
a little bit more without all the bullshit. feel
pretty good. Um, okay. Um, I, I know a few people
be bummed because I've been messaged over, um,
quite a few of my battles with Walmart and people
like, Oh, love it. You know, cause they have
the same issues with everybody does, you know?
Um, so Anyhow, so there's no Walmart story. So
I'll work on that. But actually, I don't think
I'm going back there for quite a while, if at
all. So this is the first Super Bowl in quite
a while that I don't really have an interest
in watching. Not only because the Chiefs not
playing, but in the last, you know, the last
two teams in it that I find these teams boring.
You know, it looks like a lot of defense to me.
Just boring players, in my opinion. You know
what I mean? They don't really have... Drake
May is an up -and -coming quarterback, but he's
not quite that it option yet. And then we have
Sam Darnold on the other side. To me, I don't
know. What do you think, Rob? To me, that sounds
boring. Actually, I think I got used to Sam Darnold.
Okay. I mean... I was watching him when he was
younger. We watched him come up. I kind of liked
him. He just wasn't with the right teams. You
know, I always... There's something about Sam
Donald I have always liked. And here he is in
the biggest stage of them all. Well, yeah. I
mean, wouldn't that be great if a ginger wanted...
I think he's, what, maybe 32, 33, somewhere that
age. Yeah, close enough. Well, anyhow, we'll
have a ginger champion. For football, you got
people in their 20s who retire. Yeah. Come on.
Yeah, yep. So, all right. Well, we'll see. I'm
going to watch it, and I'll give a report on
it. So, anyhow, Topher and I touched on this
Tuesday, but we both, we, I can't speak tonight.
Well, you know what? I can't speak any night,
so it's no different. You better speak. Okay.
I hate you. All right. Topher and I touched on
this Tuesday, but we both watched part of the
Grammys, the Aussie tributes only. Youngblood.
tribute was amazing it was a rendition of changes
oh did you see that yes i did well i watched
it secondhand okay well um i watched it live
but that was only because i was walking by the
tv and he came on i'm like wait a minute that's
youngblood oh yeah yeah there's an aussie tribute
and then they did that and then they and so um
anyhow i Youngblood is an up -and -coming artist.
He's big in England. He's not really big here
yet. Not that many people heard him. He's awesome.
He is. I've been following him. I've been following
him. I really like this kid. Actually, Princess
turned me on to him. Yeah, he's good. Before
Ozzy died, Princess turned me on to him. Oh,
okay. And I was like, yeah. And she goes, you've
got to hear this guy. And she goes, this kid.
Mm -hmm. oh my god and then I started studying
and found out Ozzy groomed him and Ozzy pretty
much passed the torch to Youngblood to be honest
he did if you follow it he pretty much passed
the torch to Youngblood what I would like to
see is Youngblood start working with some of
these older metal artists now Yeah, yeah, I think
he's going to. That is what he really needs to
propel his career to, especially in America,
you know, if he can work with, I don't know,
whoever, the guys from Metallica or whatever.
A lot of the people we're thinking of are getting
too old. Yes. But if they would all come together
and coach this boy, oh my. Oh, yeah, I think
so, too. Give me a chance. I think his time in
America is coming. I really do, so. Yeah. Okay.
He's getting a lot of backing. Yeah, I would
agree. So, now the second one was a little perplexing.
The lineup performing, it was quite stellar.
Slash, Andrew Watt, Duff McKagan, Chad Smith,
and Post Malone was singing. The part that was
questionable. was the song choice, War Pigs.
You know, it's a great song, but not very fitting,
you know, for an Aussie tribute. I mean, you
know, it was a Sabbath song, number one. It was
not an Aussie song. And this was an Aussie tribute
because Aussie is the one that passed away. If
it was Tony Iommi that passed away, then you'd
probably do... Pardon me? What did you say? Oh,
I was just getting right to say, you mentioned
that... Yes. No, that's what I was saying, too.
I would love to have heard them do that. I mean,
Post Malone really is not a War Pigs type of
a singer. But if you could put in No More Tears
or something like that, I think he would have
done really well. Actually, for where they were
at the time, that would have been a perfect song.
No More Tears, a tribute to Ozzy. Yes. Yeah,
that would have been nice. But you know what?
It is what it is. So, you know, I would love
to have heard No More Tears, I think, is about
the perfect song for that. I think you hit that
right on there. Oh, well, I'm sure there's going
to be more tributes anyhow. Oh, yeah, of course.
But speaking of music, and I'm sure you heard
about this big hubbub. Everybody has. And this
is another thing we spoke about on the Music
Creeps, me and Topher did. But I'm going to go
ahead and bring it up here, too, because I want
your opinion on this. You know, I'm sick of these
pop stars like Billie Eilish. I call her Eyelash.
Billie Eyelash. Just call her Billy Eyelash.
Tell me how I should feel. She doesn't know a
word she says, but she listens to the shit she
says, and oh my God. She fucked up. She fucked
up. Well, yes, she did. She should have learned
from Ben and Jerry. They did it first, but I'll
go on here. First off... First off, what would
make her a notable source for anything important?
Right? I mean, anything important... Well, for
one, she's too fucking young. Yeah, and number
two, she looks like she has the brain capacity
of a fucking pebble. So, anyhow, actually, she
should be thanking God that a person like her...
lives in America where she can suck her youngsters
into pain to hear her and sing her. No other
country would she be able to do that. Everyone
would look at her and go, no talent, I'm not
paying for it. Only in America are we this big
of rubes where they prop these idiots up and
then they go, oh my gosh, they're so good. And
you look at them and you go, what? People with
sense go, what? That's that good? Don't think
so. So she said, we're all on stolen land until
the Tonga Indian tribe said, okay, let's start
with you. Her mansion, I know, her mansion is
on their land if you go by her definition. $14
million mansion, by the way. Yeah, yes. This
is what I love whenever they put their foot in
their mouth, these big mouth idiots. Oh, it's
great. I love it when this happens. I love it
because it shuts their fat mouth up. Exactly.
So what did we receive from Billie Eilish after
this? That's right. Radio silence. Just like
Ben and Jerry did a few years back. Insert foot
and mouth and then scamper off out of the limelight.
That's what she's doing. You're not going to
hear anything from her for a while, which is
a godsend. that the court case is already in
motion. Good. I'm going to try and inherit a
$14 million mansion. Well, number one, I'm not
sure how the courts will work on this, but number
one, she did admit that she thought it was their
land. I guarantee it turns into a casino. Oh,
I love it. Hey, maybe she can perform at that
casino. For free for running her land, for living
on their land. Yeah, you got to perform for free
for 10 years. Because she's been in that mansion
for quite a while. So, yeah, you know, that's
a lot of rent she did not pay. So, yeah, they
owe her or she owes them. I mean, you know. Okay,
I have a rule on situations like this. And it's
a you first rule. You present to me an issue
like we must give back their land or divide my
money up to people who didn't earn it. Okay,
you first. Anything other than that is complete
bullshit, right? So someone comes up and goes,
you've got to get off this land because it's
not yours. It's stolen land. And also, that money
you make, you should give half of it to the poor.
Okay, you first. I want to see these people do
it first. All these all -knowing virtue signalers
that love to go around and act like they just
have all this compassion. let's fucking see you
do it first. As soon as you start giving up your
house and your land and your money to somebody
that you think deems is whatever, I'll listen
to you then. But until then, I want to hear your
fucking mouth. Until then, go away. Until then,
shut up. Because I have a lot other things. Pardon
me? All I can say is you and Princess are going
to get along very well. You know what? I'm getting
sick of all this virtue signaling from all these
loudmouth fucking know -nothings. You know, it's
ridiculous. Everybody anymore has just got a
fucking problem with everything. Everybody's
up in arms about everything. You know, if we
ever had a real fucking problem, we'd be fucked.
And I'll tell you what I'd like to see is this
right here. I think we need to release lions
out into the main population. All right? And
then, whoever's dumb enough to get eaten by that
lion, you weren't meant to live. What do you
think? Rob? Just saying, we have guns. We will
live. Yes, yes, yep. When shit hits the fan,
everyone's going to love that survivalist. It
is. And they are all registered, and they're
all legal. Well, I can't have a gun in Kansas
City, Missouri, so of course I don't, Rob. I
would never, ever, ever... I'm sorry. I would
never, ever break the law. Oh, no. I'm sorry.
I know. I wish I had... We can have whatever
we want. I wish I had a beautiful, sweet gun.
Registered. All right. But I also have this to
say, Rob. We all owe the conspiracy theorists
in your life a huge apology. I remember hearing
for years about this huge pedophile ring. We
all thought, that's not possible. Well, guess
what? The thousand pages of documents, pictures,
and flight logs with victims' accounts of Epstein
were released thanks to the Department of Justice.
Now you can hate on Trump all you want, but there's
no denying any other fucking president had a
shot at doing this and declined it. Ever since
they've known about this for I don't know how
many years now, every president had an opening
that they could do this. And you may hate Trump
all you want, but he's the only guy that has
ever went ahead and said, release him. And I
respect that. Okay, well, while we are on the
Epstein Files, that brings me to another gentleman
I have been watching. I've been watching him
on Facebook Reels. He's on X. He's on YouTube.
His name is The Alaskan Adventure. The Alaskan
Adventure. up on here, dude. Okay. I love this
man. Okay. He spent, he got a 20 year, 23 year
sentence for killing like two or three pedophiles.
Oh, nice. Okay. He's proud of it. Well, he did
his sentence. He did like 15. And he got out
on parole. And he took his stuff to social media
is what he did. He's on X, he's on YouTube, he's
on Facebook Reels. And his name is The Real Alaskan
Avenger. And he is against pedophiles. That's
all it is. He's a great guy. Okay. He's turned
his life around. He's running a... Oh, uh...
Yeah, it's like a recovery center. Oh, okay.
All right. Like a... And I love it. Yeah, I mean,
he's... I'd be the same way. I found somebody
to touch one of my kids or one of my grandkids.
You know what I mean? Yeah, just watch him. Just
watch him. You'll like him, Mark. You will. He's
a good guy. He's Turner. He's all about protecting
kids. That's all it's about. cool very cool all
right all right everybody check him out um all
right all right rob we uh we are 25 minutes into
this so let's go to you because then i have some
emails uh jeffy x list um chrome olympics so
we gotta get this thing moving so rob go ahead
all right how about some stolen meat okay sounds
good to me And throwing nearly all of it away
after catching his girlfriend cooking with another
man. Okay. This happened. Okay. Okay, like I
say, he's a Cuban national, so I'm going to call
him Alvarez. Sounds good to me. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay. This is a calculated high -stakes operation.
Okay. It left two stores with significant losses.
Flagler County Sheriff Ricky Staley said that
it was really shared by social media. not serve
premium meats, Daly said. Yeah. Well, you know,
when you said he's Cuban, all I can hear, and
he caught his wife cooking with another man,
all I can hear in my head is, oh, Lucy, oh, Lucy.
Go ahead. Yeah, Lucy. Oh, Lucy. Google it. Go
ahead, Rob. I'm sorry. No, that's it. That's
it. Oh, shit. Okay. That was a unique story,
Rob. I love that. That's a pretty good lead off.
I see Desi Arnaz yelling at Lucille Ball. I'm
sorry. Yeah. I know. Here I am risking my freedom,
and you're fucking cooking with another guy.
Love it. Thank you, Rob. That was classic. I'm
going to remember that one for quite a while.
It was good. All right. Let's be right back after
this break with some emails. Let's do it. All
righty. Hey, look! I think we found land! Oh
my god, I think we're safe! Oh no! It's the island
of horrible jokes! Someone took the fifth month
out of my calendar. I'm dismayed. They used to
call it Jump -Oleem until your mama got on it.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their
ass with politically correct wash rags. Two douchebags
and a microphone invade your ear holes in three,
two, one. Tomorrow morning while grinding your
coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember
to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone. Hey there. We all have those
annoying co -workers that do nothing. There's
nothing we can do about it because HR departments
are running scared of lawyers. So we have to
work with these workless pieces of garbage. But
we have to communicate about them without them
knowing about it. Here at Two Douchebags Microphone,
we developed a way that you can speak about them
right in front of them without them knowing about
it. Stay tuned. First code name, Absolute Zero.
They contribute nothing and effectively stop
all molecular motion in the project. Dark matter.
You know they're there, they take up space, but
they provide no light and cannot be observed
doing actual work. Static. High noise, zero signal,
stays in one place. Event horizon. Once a task
enters their orbit, it is never seen again. How
about buffer? They take 20 minutes to process
a 5 second request. The screensaver. Looks like
they're working, but as soon as you touch them,
they disappear. Cloud mode. Just floating around
vague and nobody knows what they actually do.
And finally, 404. Task not found. Stay tuned
for more of these gems. Great news, assholes.
You can now email the douches anytime, anywhere.
In the middle of a job interview. No big deal.
Taking a bath? No problems there. Tap dancing.
Easy as pie. Just send it to 2douches at mail
.com. Do it now, pussies, or I'll smash you in
the junk. This is Joshua Belmont, your food for
thought man on The Hustle. So I just realized
a genius that gets absolutely no credit. His
name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited with
the first bag of salad mix that was bagged and
sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe he
is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this ban, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
lettuce for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Two douchebags and microphone
in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. Oh, shit. Look at that
drive -thru wine. Surely we don't expect me to
actually have to go in. This sucks. Hey, you
pilgrims. This is Mark from Two Douchebags and
Microphone. And this is the Two Douchebags and
Microphone thought of the day. Hey, good kid.
No one gives an ounce of shit what you had for
breakfast. Not even the person on the other end.
You look like a mentally slow driv yelling into
thin air all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts you out and blows up your eardrums. What
men consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go the
fuck home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the theming because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Two douchebags
and microphone, a mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob
in Wheelham, Missouri, population of 377, home
of Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track, and also
home of Hickam Old Country Store, where you can
find all your... including a selfie with the
Sinclair dinosaur and a car wash to hide your
car in a storm. In the Doug Blythe studio. Yes,
I had that. Off the fly, I had that. I'm right
on it. I noticed, like, halfway through, you're
like, you stopped for a minute and had to get
some air. Pretty soon, the whole damn show is
just going to be an intro. That was the way I
do it. Oh, fucking awesome. Thank you, Rob. All
right, I got some emails here. All right. All
right. I'm glad we're having fun tonight, right?
Oh, we got to after the day I had. Okay, I had
the opposite. I had a pretty good day. But, you
know, I mean, yeah. All right. Hey, dudes. What
does each one of your favorite segments of the
show imply? Ronnie and Tulsa. The Tulsa King.
And he writes this. He wants his name like that,
you know. You call him Tulsa King, so do I. But
he wants to be addressed as Ronnie and Tulsa,
the Tulsa King. Okay, no, no. Oh, well. Sorry,
you gotta repeat that because I was reading my
next one. Hmm. Yeah. I'm going to have to say
Rob's Bag of Garbage because it's stuff that
I just come up with off the fly. I love it. And
usually it's nothing major. It's just off the
wall stuff. I like it. Although I do draw on
some serious stuff every now and then. Let's
see. I go through different phases where I like
the funnier ones and then I like the serious
ones. So it's kind of hard. That's what I mean.
That's what I mean. It wasn't that garbage. I
could throw anything. That's what I love about
that. No, I like it. Rob's bag of garbage is
definitely up there. I also like my new... I'm
getting really fond of the I call bullshits.
I've got a new one that's going to be... That's
one of my top books too. Yeah, I would say Rob's
Bag of Garbage and I Call Bullshit for right
now. Next week I may be in a more comical mood
and pick something else, but right now I got
that. And another thing is I'm pretty fond of
this next one that's coming out on this episode.
And this is a rundown of the last 10 years of
the biggest government fraud and theft. And these
are things that were astronomically stolen. from
the American people are tax money, and nothing
was done to them. And I've got a long list of
it, too. So I think you're going to enjoy this.
Well, I'll tell you what. If I had more time
to sit down and write things out and do more
homework, oh, man, this show would be a hell
of a lot better. You know, I'd do what I could
do. Yeah, I mean, I've got so much shit. So I
have a lot of time to think, well, while I'm
driving, I can't write this shit down. And if
I didn't record it, I ain't got the time when
I get home to write it down. I have to listen
to it, you know what I mean? I have so many thoughts
in my head that I forget every day. It would
be awesome for the show, you know? Well, I don't
know what to do about that. Yeah, I don't either.
I don't either. Except for hire somebody to write
with me. I'll hire me a secretary to write with
me. That's what you do. Yeah. The big money I'm
making. I mean, honestly, it's working like it
is. You're coming up with good stuff completely
different than mine, and that's the whole idea.
We're two completely different people. Yeah,
and, you know, it's working like it is. I mean,
from day one, this has kind of been my vision,
you know, of starting the podcast and kind of
really kind of tempered towards me because I'm
the main guy, you know, and I'm not saying that
bragging or nothing. It's just like, you know,
I do most, if not pretty much all the bits and
the production and all this stuff, as shitty
as it is, you know. So I think it works well.
You put in what you want to, and it's fine because
it works out well because it's the yin and yang
of this show. Yeah, and you were here a few years
before me. Yeah, yeah, so it's fine. You don't
owe anything to anybody, especially me. No, I
don't know. I just do what I can. I'm just saying,
I could do so much more. Yeah, no, and it's fine.
And that's what I'm trying to say there. I kind
of had a weird way of going around it. I was
trying to describe it. But it doesn't matter
because it's working, in my opinion. And I mean,
according to our listenership, our listening
base, it is working. So I'm good. All right.
And I love each and every one of them. I do.
I do, too. And thank you, Rob. I appreciate everything
that you do, your efforts and all that. So, Mark,
I'm headed to Kansas City for a medical conference.
I have a rental on the house. Work paid for it.
I can drive anywhere, but I'm staying at the
Sheridan Convention Center in Overland Park.
I was wanting a list of, okay, when he said I
have a rental on the house, I get it now. He
has a car rental that they paid for, that work
paid for it. Okay. Okay. And I can drive anywhere,
but I'm staying at the Sheridan Convention Center
in Overland Park. I was wanting a list of three
best barbecue places to eat at. I would ask Rob,
but he hasn't lived in Kansas City in a while.
Yeah. Patrick, Patrick in Detroit. Okay. Patrick,
okay, my three main suggestions is I think Kansas
City Joe's, Jack Stack. Okay. And Slaps. And
then if you want a fork that's pretty good, you've
got to watch what you order there because some
stuff is okay, and then some of it's really good,
and that's Q39. There's a bunch of other smaller
places, but those are the most popular places,
and they're the most numerous. You can, you know,
Kansas City Joe's has three locations. Q39 has
two. Jack Stack has six or seven. So you can
probably find one. I mean, I know there's, you're
right in between two Jack Stacks where you're
at at the Sheridan and Overland Park. There's
one near 95th Street in Metcalf, and then there's
one in Martin City. And you're about equal distance
from either one, so whichever one you want to
go to. Okay, and let me add, since it was for
you and not me, but I can add something to this.
Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, it's really good. And when
you do, get the sides. The sides there are amazing,
like the onion rings. They're all homemade. They're
made in -house every morning. And then everything
else is, I mean, you have everything from seared
salmon to, I don't know, some sort of a seafood
salad to just good old -fashioned. spare ribs
i mean you know it's a great place and then the
slaps is fantastic their sides are off the hook
and then their barbecue is really good and they
have some unique sauces um kansas city joe's
you can't beat that it's great sauce great food
um uh try the z man if you're there and that
is like a uh um it is brisket with provolone
cheese and onion ring and And let's see, is that
it? There might be something else on it, but
it's really good too. So anyhow, but you know
what? Everybody has their own taste. Just go
in there and look at the menu. You'll find something
you like. I guarantee it on all those places.
Let's see, Mark, when is your booty shorts feed?
I can't wait to see your white ass in those tight
shorts. Mitch, waiting for Mark's pale ass shaking
on video. Mitch, I'm with you. I cannot wait
to see it either. That's my premium feed, Mitch.
You're going to have to pay for that. Okay. Yeah.
And also, I have a new segment. There you go,
Mitch. I want to do one where I'm... There's
one where I'm juggling fire. That's the one that
you want to get. Yeah. Um, it's on channel three
of my booty shorts. Okay. So you go to my, yeah,
there's Rob's booty shorts and there's my boob
booty shorts. And you get, it's, it's kind of
like a website, you know, you go to each side
and if you press on Rob's, you see Rob's a booty
feed. If you go the right, you can see my boobie
booty feed. So there you go. Um, all right. Thank
you, Mitch. Glad you're still around. All right.
I do too. I don't think he hates me anymore,
if he ever did. But I don't know. All right.
I can't wait to see him in person. Seriously.
I haven't seen him in so long. I'm really curious
what he looks like. Well, let's get our plans
together, maybe that weekend. That's cool. I
mean, isn't he like in North Dakota or some shit
right now or something, or he's living there?
Mitch, let us know. If you're in town, I think
it's like... Let Mark know. Let Mark know. Yeah,
okay. I'll work on that. I'll work on that. Yeah,
yeah. Okay, next one. Rob, who is the biggest
celebrity you've ever met besides Jim Baker?
Oh, it's just somebody that's working. Yes, you
mentioned Jim Baker a couple of years ago. Yeah.
And... Shit. There's no name here. Damn it. That's
fine. That's fine. That's fine. Well, I do. I
have met some big personalities. No, not governor,
he was a senator. Or a senator, yeah, because
his bodyguard lost him and I was up hiring a
bodyguard and the bodyguard asked me if I could
find anything. That's not a very good bodyguard.
That was at a Missouri Public Service gala when
they all put the big building down, 9th and Baltimore.
Thank God the drinks were free. Yes. Yeah. All
right. Actually, I didn't get to meet him when
I was sitting in the car. My great uncle was
working at the Capri Lounge in the restaurant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Iola Capri. This was
back in... I'd say early 80s. Okay. Very cool.
Yeah. But that was really the closest I got.
But, I mean, it wasn't no big deal, you know.
I mean, I did go to his house one day. That's
cool. All right. Whoever you are, that was a
great question. Thank you. Oh, okay. well we're
at the house and he come home he got pissed off
that two white boys was in his house because
we were like 24 25 yeah wow okay yeah okay interesting
True story. Wow. Okay, that's a good story there.
Wow. Yeah. You want to know about celebrities,
I bet. There you go. All right. Whoever you are,
thank you. That was a great question. Yes, thank
you. All right. Mark, make sure and post your
Crescent episode when you make it later on this
year. Instagram, if possible. I'm barred from
Facebook after I told off an idiot. Ross in Dallas.
Ross. Sure. Ross, if you send me an email, I
will email you the whole podcast if you want
me to. If not, I'll put it on Instagram and Facebook
and you can catch it off Instagram. But let me
know who you are on Instagram. And then we can
communicate a little bit like that if you want,
besides emails. So thank you, Ross, Rossington.
Appreciate it. Let's see. How about some new
Island of Horrible Jokes? Love corny jokes. More
please. Sally in Ontario. Yeah, I have a list
of like 30 horrible jokes. I just got to get
to them. So, yeah, yeah, there's some pretty
good ones in there. And there's some pretty bad
ones in there. Yeah, they're good and bad. So,
you know, they're just your typical dad jokes,
and that's what it's about. It's like a kind
of a weird way to do dad jokes. So, all righty.
And then finally, this one's fucked. Rob, could
you sew my zipper back into my britches? I know
you're an expert embroiderer. Timmy in Houston.
That's a fake name. But anyhow, go ahead. Send
them up. I'll do it. There you go. Timmy in Houston.
There you go. Your pants will be saved. I'll
even stitch your initials on your back pockets.
Oh, like Jeffy X. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Well, there you go. There you go. Hell yeah.
So, all right, Rob, I think you might have something
you want to go into. Yeah, you know I do. This
time of night, I always do. There it is. Yes,
it's time for Rob's Bag of Garbage. The greatest
segment ever known to man on any program ever
in the history of the world. Well, I'm trying.
Okay. Not trying to make you nervous. Okay, this
one goes off somebody else's words, like always.
Okay. Because my wife's not Cheryl. Okay. My
wife Cheryl often amazes me. Tonight she sent
me down a rabbit hole that blew my mind. When
she told me that the nationwide Sarah Cannon
Cancer Centers were named for and... Initially
funded by the estate of Sarah Ovila Colley Cannon,
known to most as Minnie Pearl. She was also an
influence on the careers of Jeff Foxworthy, Bill
Engel, Daniel Whitney, a .k .a. Larry the Cable
Guy, Ron White, and was the inspiration for the
band song Ophelia and mentioned in Punk Rock
Girl by the Dead Milkmen. Last time Paul Rumans
appeared as Pee Wee Herman was at her memorial.
She was an advocate for women's rights and humans'
rights. Okay. Yeah. Nice. Okay. Kate Burrell
was more than what people knew. Oh, yeah. Seriously.
Yeah. She wasn't just a parody of an old woman.
No. No. Actually, she was young when she was
on. Yep. Okay. I'm pretty sure you got another
story there, don't you? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do.
Alright. Getting up to it. Okay. I'm getting
there. I'm having a jump between two different...
my step right now okay oh yeah it was up here
oh there it is all right Okay. You heard me.
He has a bed at Amway. There's more. Okay. Doctors
arrested him into emergency surgery and pulled
out an 8 -inch live World War I artillery shell
from 1918. Okay. Wow. What else could you say?
Nothing, really. An age World War I artillery
shell. Yeah. I don't understand that, so I don't
know what to say to it. I would have a buddy
pull it out before I went to the hospital. Yes.
I'd make up some other story. Yeah. Wow. All
right, Rob. Thank you. Let's take our second
break. And I got some crumb Olympics. You want
to do that when we come back? I need to, so I
quit laughs. Yeah, me too. Grenade. What the
fuck? All right. We'll be right back. Jeez. Next
up, things overheard in town. Joe Buck and Corey
Aikman are doing all televised and radio games
of the NFL this year. Hey, if you're a fan of
paying way too much for trinkets and food, well,
your wish is coming true. Kansas City International
Airport Guest Pass program is starting today.
Yes, you too could overspend on workless trinkets
and $15 cups of coffee. You want to buy a $50
cheap t -shirt that has KC Western Auto Building
image on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue
sauce gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40
and you're first born. Hurry. You know rubes
are jumping all over to get to this complete
rip -off. Because people are cheap. Sir, I see
your qualifications here. May I ask some further
questions that could help me determine your employment
eligibility? Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you
can see here, we have a large population of different
ethnic backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are
you by chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure
why you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. Hey there, fuckstick. You're
just in time for brand new feature news nobody
gives a shit about. A California girl just got
enlightened to carry a unicorn. Hello, this is
Phineas J. Altaris III. I'm here to deliver your
music news this evening. Faith No More and Mr.
Bungle lead singer Mike Patton was falsely identified
as a sexual predator in Ohio. A person that has
Mike's same name confused Google AI and then
identified the singer as a predator. Mike Patton,
the singer, is working on getting the false information
scrubbed off the internet. This is only the tip
of the iceberg. This is Phineas J. Baltaris III.
That has been your music news for this evening.
I have one burning question for you all. Do people
really skip around the Maypole? Since the dawn
of time, weird shit has happened. Strange occurrences.
Unexplained phobias. and other odd happenings
over the next minute we would like to bring you
odd rare phobias and conditions harlequin ichthyosis
is a genetic disorder that babies are born with
a thickened skin nearly over its entire body
the skin forms a large diamond trapezoid rectangle
shaped plates that are separated by deep cracks
these affect the shape of the eyelids nose ears
mouth and limit the movement of the arms and
legs there are treatment options finally the
survival rate is much higher My mechanic told
me I couldn't repair your brakes. So I made you
a horn ladder. Good job. I think that me and
Davey, my friend that I refer to often, played...
The old Bannister Mall, remember that? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Boy, that was an area for a lot of
fucking fun. We used to get away with murder
at that place. We had done the stupidest shit.
Well, there was a security guard, a little short
little fucker, kind of a little dumpy little
guy named Sam. And he hated us longhairs. We
were in there getting all the chicks, and he
didn't fucking like it. Sam used to always try
to get me kicked out. And Davey, too, but more
me. He really hated me for some reason. So he'd
always screw with me. He got me kicked out for
about two weeks. Then we went to court, and then
the judge said, you can't kick him out. It's
a public mall. Yeah. So anyhow, you know, one
of the biggest ways to sell a hoax is to, we
found this out, was to have a setup guy that
no one knew. Just a guy to confirm what you're
saying. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did see that
monkey. Over there, yeah. Last I saw him, he
was on top of that building, and he was throwing
shit at somebody. The random witness you see
who disappears. The random witness, yes. Yes.
So, this guy, okay, this is Bannister Mall, early
1980s. Me and my good buddy Davey were hanging
out, and we were crazy long hairs that, you know,
the average teen would follow, you know, because
we're long hairs. We're kind of like the Pied
Piper of teens. People used to look at us and
go, well, there's the party. Let's just follow
them around until they go to it. I've done that.
Yeah, they used to do it all the time. We'd be
like, where are you guys going? Cleveland? Ohio?
No, Missouri. That guy looks like he might have
beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they'd just start
following us, and that's just the way it were,
and then we'd all introduce the day. Hey, I'm
so -and -so, I'm so -and -so. We'd have a good
time, Cleveland Lake or something. Slamming beers,
doing stupid shit. So Davey and I had certain
buddies that would walk up and hear the bullshit
that we're spewing and then help seal the deal.
They'd sell it completely. One guy that walked
around to help us was a punker named Jason. Jason
was really cool because he looked like the type
of guy that wouldn't like us. But we got to talking
to him and we saw eye to eye on everything except
music. Everything else we were the same, you
know. Fuck society, fuck the average guy, fuck
this, fuck that, you know. But when it came to
music, you know, we're like fucking listening
to Motley Crue and shit like that. And he was
listening to, I don't know, the Ramones or even
deeper than that, you know, Dick Kennedy's The
Germs. Television. Yeah. Yeah, he was a real
punker. Yeah. He had an orange mohawk. Sweet.
Or black spike leather. And Doc Martens. So,
I mean, you know, you got the guy, right? You
know who I'm talking about. So, great guy, though.
I'd love to know what happened to him. So, Jason,
if you happen to hear this abortion, please,
oh, I guess that's a bad word now, isn't it?
Oh. This atrocity. There we go. If you happen
to hear this horrible atrocity, then, you know,
hey, send us an email. Yeah. And I forgot what
the valid email is, so. We put so many bullshit
ones out there, we can't remember our real one.
I know. There is a valid one, and I can't remember
what the hell it is. We also have an actual real
phone number. Hell if I know that one either.
Yeah, so I can't even remember the real one.
There you go. Show prep. Yeah. Here I was talking
about show prep and making a big deal out of
it, and I can't even remember our email. So,
anyhow, meanwhile, there's this one security
guard named Sam that I kind of alluded to or
actually went into a little bit. Sam was a jealous
little pussy bitch. He constantly tried to get
me kicked out and barred from the mall. And like
I said earlier, he did for a while, for a couple
of weeks. And we went to court. I got back in,
which really fumed his ass, burned his ass. Because
every time I seen him, I was like overzealous
about him. Hi, Sam, how are you? You came over
for dinner tonight, little guy? A little tiny
bit of authority he had, and it was gone. You
look cute today. I beeped his nose one time,
and he cut about what? Unglued. So, you know,
me and Davey used to play Moon Tricks on Sam
constantly. Sounds like he deserved it. Oh, he
did, you know. So we quickly went to Jason to
be the casual guy walking by to sell it. So Jason's
over in the corner where the movement theaters
upstairs used to be because then they went downstairs
for a while and then they disappeared. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they used to be upstairs, mid -upstairs.
So I think right across from Food Court maybe.
If I remember correctly. Well, now in my mind
I'm getting confused with Ward Parkway because
their movie theater shifted around a bit, too.
Okay, well, anyhow, this is when they were upstairs
because I remember that part well because people
were coming in to go to the movies and were screwing
with them. Yeah. So Davey and I set this one
up perfectly. We had a buddy that he won a backstage
pass to Great White. I'll remember that. It's
a video shoot, okay? As an extra. Oh, that'd
be cool. Yeah. And he was in it. I don't know
if it was once bit or something else, but he
was in it. And on the back was stamped used.
But on the front, it had an MTV logo. It didn't
have a specific band. It didn't say Great White.
It just said, Extra for MTV Video Shoot. And
I remember really well it was green with an orange
MTV on it with her famous logo. Yeah. It was
really cool looking and it was like made with
some sort of a really thick paper and it was
engraved, I guess. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was raised.
It felt great. It felt like the seal of something.
Embossed paper. Embossed. Raised printing. Raised
printing, whatever. Makes it a lot harder to
counterfeit. Plus it makes it look cool. So our
friend agreed to let us borrow this for a little
while. We got it back to him like we said. We
didn't tear it up or steal it or nothing. Davey
started waving the card in the air and making
fun of me because he got this and I didn't. He
was like, hey, I'm going to be on this whatever.
You're looking around going, I'm going to be
on the video and you're not because you're too
stupid and you couldn't win and all this stuff,
right? So this magical card was supposed to be
a freebie to be an extra on the set of MTV. This
is what we set it up to be, right? A list of
hundreds of bands, the secret MTV guy walking
around, he was walking around the mall and this
was going to be Sam eventually. So the secret
MTV guy that has these free magical passes was
Sam, only he didn't know it. So Davey's like,
and I'm like, fucking asshole. Yeah, all this
stuff. So automatically, see people getting ready
to walk in, right? Getting ready to go to a movie,
they're like, yeah, just like magnetic, they're
just staring at us. And Davey's like, and all
this stuff. I'm like, man, that sucks, man. You
get to go and I don't. So Davey is waving this
around, making fun of me, and Jason will walk
by. They go, yeah, I fucking won one too, but
I threw it at them because there's no punk bands
on it. Fuck that. I don't want to go. So all
of a sudden, those kids are fucking coming over
there. What was this? That's so clever. Oh, yeah.
We set it up perfect. So the reason that we picked
Sam to do this on that day was because we had
the card for a couple of days. He was wearing
plain clothes. And I guess he thought he was
going to catch shoplifters or something not wearing
his little fucking bitch outfit that he normally
wore. So Jason, instead of us, goes, yeah, that
fucking little douche right there is the one.
That's the secret MTV guy. We didn't even say
it. He did it. It sold it even more. Because
all these teens are like, you know, fucking their
heads spun around and they're staring at him.
So Jason said, yeah, he goes, yeah, I bit him
on the ear to get one. So the story was this.
It's getting better and better. The more outrageous
you were, the more likely you were to get a free
pass on MTV. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. So automatically
he had like 50 teens jumping in front of him,
fucking biting his ear, kicking him in the ass.
One guy was clucking like a chicken in his face.
Another guy's like, look, I'm a bird. Some guy
fucking jumped off to one side. Another guy ripped
off one of the trees and hit him with a switch.
And Sam was just fucking freaking out, man. He's
like, what the fuck? And they're like, we want
a pass. We want a pass. He's like, what pass?
This probably went on for fucking 25 minutes.
He was losing his mind. Yes, he was. He didn't
know what was going on. What planet did I wake
up on? He'd get 10 teams away from him, right?
And then you have 10 more teams attacking. So,
look, we leave. We let this go on and let it
go downhill. And those teams told another one,
get the pass from that fucker. He didn't give
us anything. So this just kept rolling on and
rolling on and rolling on. We come back a couple
hours later. Oh, no, I know what we did. We went
to Andy's Santa Fe and had a burrito. I remember
the Andy's. We weren't even old enough to drink,
but we still did because they never carded there.
We both had margaritas. We were fucking laughing
at our feet on the table and shit. Davey had
fucking flip -flops on, so they eventually got
mad and kicked us out because you could see his
toenails hanging out. People did like that. So,
hey, we get back in, and all of a sudden we see
Sam coming by, all disheveled. By this time,
everything was gone. It was all said and done.
I go, hey, Sam, do you want to know where all
that came from? Us. Davey pulled out the card
and said, see this? I go, yeah, you just been
had, bitch. Oh, he was fucking furious. He turned
around and said, you motherfucker, I'm going
to get you out of here. I'm going to get you
guys kicked out for good. I go, what for? I didn't
do anything against them all. We didn't get kicked
out. That was one of the best fucking breaks
we ever played. It was brilliant. And I just
thought about it the other day. I'm like, my
God. There are some other ones I've got to remember
that we did to him, too. And then I got another
one. You listen to the solo cast, right? I'm
going to tell the story about the nutbiter. Oh,
yes. Oh, gosh. Have you ever wondered what something
came about? Have you ever looked at something
and said, Hey, I wonder what the origin of that
is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you
The Origin Of. This is the origin of Rob Rad's
loincloth. Rob used to strip in a nightclub called
McCock's on the city's east side. Rob was the
only completely new dancer at the club. The other
dancers were jealous of Rob making all the cash
and made him use a loincloth to dance with. Rob
soon had to wear his loincloth daily. He found
out that he could get out of traffic tickets,
sell vinyl siding, and pick up hotties at the
come and go. Rob now wears his loincloth everywhere
except work. Sparks plus pubic hair equals to
bad things. Have you ever wondered what something
came about? Have you ever looked at something
and said, hey, I wonder what the origin of that
is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you
The Origin Of. The origin of the goatee. The
goatee is a beard style that dates back to ancient
Greece and Rome and is named for its resemblance
to a goat's beard. The goatee has been worn by
many famous men throughout history, including
Uncle Sam, Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock. The
gobham was often depicted with a goatee, and
in medieval and renaissance art, Satan was depicted
with a goatee as well. The goatee became popular
again in 1940s. as a defining trait of the beatniks
and jazz musicians. It fell out of favor again
in the 1960s, but became fashionable again in
the 1990s and 2000s. The term goatee originated
in the late 20th century. It was originally called
a goatee. My name is Mark at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri,
population 377, home of the Lucas Oil Speedway
and Water Track, and also home of Hickam Outcountry
Store, where you can find all your needs, including
a selfie with the green Sinclair dinosaur, and
a car wash to shelter your car in a heel store.
Yes, and it did work. It worked. Yeah, it is.
It is. I like it. Okay, I'm not sure where we
left off, but I'm going to keep going on. A little
bit of software problem there. Okay, we have
some crumb Olympics, Rob. So once again, we had
some technical errors and hopefully we have these
things figured out now. So I'm going to go into
the Crumb Olympics. That sound good? Sounds good.
All right. Crumb Olympics were invented a couple
of years ago, maybe. And I was like sitting there,
I was going through Costco and I was like, hmm.
Oh, no, no, that was the, hang on, that was the
Fruit Olympics and the Food Olympics and all
that. Crumb Olympics, I'm not sure where it came
from, I'm sorry. Crumb Olympics, I don't know.
Yeah, that was more recent. Yeah, it was, that's
right. The Food Olympics was a couple of years
ago, and then we progressed into the Crumb Olympics.
And, you know, sometimes, you know, you eat something
and the crumbs are better than the actual main
course, right? Exactly, I mean. and what is for
a while so now we got crumbs yeah yeah so we're
what we're trying to do is we're we're pitting
these crumbs that we know tastes really good
we're pitting them against each other and then
we're going to vote and figure out which one
we like better so here's an example this is the
first one right here an asper an apple crisp
against um or a cobbler topping versus a ginger
snap crumbs so that's pretty much an apple crisp
crumbs versus ginger snap crumbs me too i'm not
that big of a ginger snap fan so okay i like
that i think that's great and let me get a pen
so i can start marking these things off so i
remember what is what So, give me one second,
and the mic's going to make a horrible sound,
because I've got to move it real quick. But,
oh shit, there we go. We're not going to hear
it, but you are out there. Unprepared is my name,
and I don't give a shit. Okay, now, scratch off
the... We're doing this after work. Yes. Yep.
Alright, so, the second one. coffee cake streusel
versus raspberry zinger crumbs oh that's a tough
one i'm gonna say coffee cake strudel myself
but i mean raspberry zinger is pretty okay yeah
to me uh coffee craig coffee cake strudel yeah
is always good where i mean uh the uh Raspberry
zingers are more of a stoner thing, right? You
get fucking blasted and you're like, man, what
sounds good? Yeah, yep, that's true. All right,
the next one on the docket here is baked mac
and cheese crust. You know the crust, right?
That caramelized part on the top is so fucking
delicious. Versus the sausage salami and cheese
crumbs of a stromboli. I'm going to say baked
mac and cheese. Yeah, all right. We are on the
same page all the way tonight, Rob, so far. Let
me get her out of that guy. Yes, I'm sorry. Oh,
okay. Oh, and then we went and bought my mother
-in -law a puppy for her birthday tomorrow. Oh,
that's cool. Yeah. Very cool of you. And then
I finally got around to the podcast. Yeah, sounds
like a hectic day. Yeah. It's a cool day, isn't
it? Yep, for you. Nacho cheese Doritos versus
extra toasty Cheez -Its. I'm going to say the
Doritos. All right, cool. We are completely on
the same page tonight. All right. Next one. Pretzel,
salt, and shards versus onion ring crumbs. Onion
rings. Yep. All right. Yep. Now, if you had that
Bavarian mustard with it, that would make it
a little bit harder. Waffle cone crumbs versus
banana bread crumbs. Banana bread. Yeah, as much
as I love waffle cones, I'm going to have to
go with banana bread. Oh, I do too. Banana bread
is just fucking insanely good. Yes. All right.
Cheesecake. crust versus beef beret taco crumbs
cheesecake yeah all right and let's see if we
go uh a straight sweep here where we both agree
with all of them for once um how about brownie
edge crumbs versus cinnamon bun crumbs what is
this cinnamon bun to me Yeah, I do too. Cinnamon
bun, yep. All right, that's a clean sweep. We
have a sweep. Yay. Yay. All right, Rob, you know
what that means? That means we can go to you.
You got something. All righty. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Okay. Okay. $65 ordered dominoes, and they would
not take a $100 bill. Is that like, I got a question
if you have the answer. Okay. Is that like the
rules of that place? Because some places don't
want money on hand, that much money. Okay, okay.
That's a policy. Okay. Let's see, the thing is,
he picked it up. I'm guessing. Well, I don't
know. I don't know. Maybe it was a delivery driver.
But yeah, it goes into that. Actually, it sounded
like that was it. I thought he went into the
store. Okay. Okay. Mm -hmm. Got me going and
I'm reading. Yeah. Store policies. They don't
want that much money on hand because they're
afraid someone's going to rob them. And also,
sometimes criminals will come up there and have
you break a bill just to see what you have in
the cash register to sum up whether they're going
to waste their time or not. Right. So. You know,
all I had was $100. Mm -hmm. No, I get it. And
there was a $35 change. All he has to give me
is store credit, whatever. You know, let's make
this good. He's trying to buy his workers lunch.
Mm -hmm. You know? But no, this was at the store.
Okay, you see, a delivery driver, I can understand.
I cannot understand this at the store. $45 a
change in the store? Come on, Mark. No, you're
right. You're right. Come on. Yeah. That's...
And his biggest complaint is the customer service.
I get it. Yeah, I get that. Because they were
totally... And he's like, what the hell? I get
it now. I get what he's saying, and I agree with
him now. I didn't get the full story before.
I was, okay. Yeah, no, it was my delivery. He
went to the store, to the drive -up window, and
they were not giving him $35 change because they
were not set $100 bill. Mm -hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. All right. Well, thank you, Rob. All right.
I am too. All right. Thank you. Well, it is almost
920. Do you want to wrap this up? You got to
eat. I got to get up early myself. All right,
everybody. Thank you all for listening. Keep
listening. Tell your friends it's working. We
have some really good numbers. We appreciate
it. And we will talk to you. Hopefully I'll get
it processed Sunday night. But until then, after
this show, we have a music creeps that's going
to come up, I think, Saturday. I'm going to try
to get this put together tomorrow morning before
I leave for work. So you're going to have a good
steady stream of douchebaggery coming up. So
anyhow, thank you. Have a good night, assholes.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark
has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.