Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Strange, but true. The ancient
Chinese practice what is called foot binding.
A practice... which the feet of young girls were
broken and tightly bound to alter the shape and
size of their feet. Small feet were considered
more attractive in China at that time. Hey everybody,
this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some
tips for life. Record loud train noise on your
phone. That way you won't take any big dump in
the public toilet. Turn off your phone. And bam,
nobody hears. Next up, things overheard in hell.
John Wayne Gacy is in charge of human resources.
Strange, but true. In early 2018, Tupac Shakur's
former bodyguard, Michael Nice, begged his own
death for a little over a year to prove that
Tupac could have done the same. Oh, Lord. That
man just sawed a puppy in half. Hey there, don't
worry. I have a clown nose. Oh no! That drunk
guy just hit my child! It's okay. I have a clown
nose. Clown doses are sold at keg stores online
and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and
make magic happen. And now we look in on the
adventures of the technical explanation guy.
Excuse me, my dear sir. Could you please put
my plain bread in a small countertop appliance
with heating elements that would spring loaded
and would brown my bread adequately? Well, first
off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over there
sitting at the table having a drink. Second off,
are you talking about someone toasting your bread?
Well, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread
being toasted. Then why don't you just ask for
your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? The
hell's wrong with you? Hey, good kid. No one
gives an ounce of shit what you had for breakfast.
Not even the person on the other end. You look
like a mentally slow driv yelling into thin air
all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts you out and blows up your eardrums. What
men consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look
back home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the theming because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Hello, this
is Phineas J. Altaris III. I'm here to deliver
your music news this evening. We have some sad
news for everybody. Bob Weir, the co -founder
and guitarist for The Grateful Dead, has passed
away at the age of 78. Bob? We hope you're grateful,
because you're definitely dead. Rest in peace,
Mr. Weir. This is Phineas J. Baltaris III. That
has been your music news for this evening. I
have one burning question for you all. Do people
really skip around the Maypole? I am calling
bullshit on all the part -time geopolitical experts
out there. Yeah, you. The person a year ago that
couldn't stop posting pictures of your food at
an eatery, or pictures of your dog, barking at
a garden gnome. So, you suddenly developed into
this, this all -knowing political expert overnight,
and can't wait to tell anyone glazing by your
post all about it. Just because you saw an article
on the internet and ran with it, without vetting
it whatsoever. I have zero respect for someone
who suddenly developed a conscience and go face
-first into things they have no idea about, just
because of a blurb on the net. At least your
foodie pics and you sitting under a palm tree
are somewhat entertaining. I can also inform
you that nobody has ever changed their mind just
because you said so. People like you still fall
for the yearly prank about Andy Griffith dying
when he's been dead for ten years now. All you
rubes and sheep that blindly follow news sources
without checking need to do us a favor and never
vote. Consider this a public service announcement.
You're welcome. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark. I am here in the Kansas City area at
the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob in Wheatland,
Missouri, home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway
and Water Track, and also home of Hickamo's Tent
Restore, where you can find all your needs, including
a selfie with the green Sinclair dinosaur in
the Doug Black studio. Rob, I got a question
about Hickamos. I think I remember another thing.
You know, I went to Wheatland. I've been through
Wheatland several times, of course. You know,
lived in Missouri a long time. But I remember
when I was in Wheatland, you know, for the races
and went to Hickamos. And do they still have
those big bags of cashews? Those things were
fantastic. I don't know where they got them from
or whatever. I don't know. And I've never seen,
I don't know if they still have them or not,
but I'd never seen a big bag of raw cashews like
that before. Raw cashews? I'll look. Yeah, yeah.
And let me know, man, because hell, I'll take
a trip down there, come by, see you, and buy
some of those things. Those things were fantastic.
Yeah, let me see if, raw cashews. Raw cashews.
Yeah, because I was talking to the guy there,
and I just got back from Belize, and Belize has
cashew wine. That's like one of their big exports.
And the reason cashew wine is so good is it's
really, really good in stuff like pasta. Whenever
you make it, it gives it like a nutty flavor.
Sure. Yeah, and I was in there looking around,
and I saw these raw cashews. I go, wow. I go,
yeah. And I talked to the guy. I go, yeah. I
just got some cashew wine, and the guy goes,
oh, from Belize? And I'm like, what? You know
about that? Because nobody else did. And he's
like, yeah, he's just a guy behind the counter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, down here in Wheatland, Missouri.
Yeah, yeah, and I'm like, yeah, that's... If
we're going to look at the population, I know
it's under 400. Oh, shit, yeah. I know it's under
400. Yeah, it's like nothing. And when I... Yeah.
No, I'm... The county, which is where that incident
happened. The fucking idiot that did that to
you, yeah. Well, what I failed to mention, we
were like four blocks from the Hickory County
Sheriff's Station. Wow. We were right there in
her, which is the county seat. So it was county
sheriff. Too bad you couldn't have goaded. Yeah.
Too bad you couldn't have. I know you're on your
way to work, but too bad you couldn't have goaded
that son of a bitch into the sheriff's department.
Wouldn't that have been nice? Oh, I know. I wish
I could have got his license plate number. But
I was too busy worried about getting hit in the
ass yet. Yeah. Because I'm at a dead stop in
the middle of 54. Uh -huh. On a curve. Uh -huh.
Wow. No, there's nothing you can do about that,
I know. Until I meet him again on the road. Alright,
a minor delay. I had Foster and Tucker, two of
our dogs, interrupting the show. But you won't
hear that because I actually paused it. And now
you're going to hear something bad because I'm
readjusting my microphone. And it doesn't sound
like anything to me, but when you play it back,
it's going to go... And all kinds of crazy shit.
So that's what went on there. Oh, yeah. Yep.
So, what was I talking about? Was I talking about
jicamos, maybe? Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You
wanted the raw cashews. Okay. And I made note
of that. I made note of it. Okay, thank you.
So, I will, hell, I'll probably be up there sometime
tomorrow night, more likely. Oh, cool. All right.
Yeah, I'm there like a daily basis. It's like
my case. Well, we got that and cases. We got
both right here. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I got you.
Get some breakfast pizza and go over to Hickimo's
and get, I don't know, cashews, right? Nothing
against Casey's, but I prefer Sinclair gas over
Casey's gas. I don't like Casey's. We have different
things. I remembered what I was going to tell
you when Tucker stuck his snoot in here, which
is fine. He's a sweet animal. He's a sweet boy.
Yeah. Okay, so. You're talking about the guy
that was doing that shit to you, following you,
and you're trying not to get hit because he'd
been a dickwad and goading him into the county
police station. Well, I got a story about that.
A guy that I used to work with. Well, actually,
two guys I used to work with. One guy got out
of prison, and I got along with him fine, but
the guy that I'm speaking of. I forgot what he
did. He said something to him, and he didn't
realize some ex -convicts you don't screw with.
And this guy had a history of trying to bully
people, right? And come over and go, yeah, you're
going to buy me a 12 -pack of beer. And I guess
the guy I'm talking about. said you know get
the fuck out of here i'll kick your ass or something
he had no idea who he is dealing with right so
um the guy um well i can say the first name don
was the guy i'm talking about that was the guy
that came out of prison um he um the other guy
that i'm talking about kenny was uh mouthing
off to him right and so don said all right he
goes um i'll talk to you later so um Kenny, he
goes to his car after work, and Don jumps in
his car and starts following him. And so he's
like right behind him, right behind him, right
behind him, really, really close. So Kenny thought,
oh, you know what? I'm going to go to the Jackson
County Police Station, and I'm going to go park
in their parking lot so Don doesn't kick my ass,
because you didn't want to mess with Don, and
Kenny found this out. He pulls in the parking
lot. He jumps down. He's like, oh, you can't
get me. Don beat the shit out of him right there
and got away with it. In the parking lot. The
Jackson County, whatever, I think it's like a
jail or something. I don't know. It was something
like that. And Don beat the shit out of him right
in front of there. And nothing was ever done
about it. I think Kenny went in there, all bloody,
he said, hey, you gotta beat me up. And they're
like, well, okay, you know who it is? Yeah. And
they're like, we don't have any video or nothing,
you know. So, it was funny. That was before days
of video? Yes, yes. This was in the early 90s
at best, so. Yeah, just so everybody's caught
up on that, that's how old we are. Yeah, yeah.
And thank you for clarifying that, because everyone
else would be like, ah. What? They didn't have
video? Oh, bullshit. Yeah, they did not have
video cameras around the police station when
we were growing up. That was the best place to
fuck off. Yeah, it was. We had an apartment right
behind you. You remember when Dalton Police Station
used to be on Main Street? Mm -hmm, yeah. Well,
there was that duplex on Commercial right by
Sonic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right back behind.
Uh -huh. Me and some buddies lived in that. I
told you, I told that story about my buddy Clint's
cousin. He promised us, or he made a swear we
would smoke marijuana with his cousin. He was
barking like a dog with his underwear in the
front yard. Do you remember me telling you that
story? I do remember that. That was literally
in... I remember we used to go streaking through
their lawn. Fuck yeah. And if a cop seen you,
most of them just laughed. They were like, look
at that stupid ass. It was cool back in the day.
They didn't care. They were like a couple of
kids fucking off. Who cares? Whatever. Yeah.
Yeah. Things were different back in the day.
I miss it. Yeah. I'll tell you what I wanted
to do was like get a couple of policemen together
and going, hey, hey. Grab a paddle, and the next
guy that runs through here naked, we'll catch
him for you, and we paddle him for a while. Yeah,
yeah. But no, they wouldn't go along with that.
We'll make it part of the podcast. Yeah. That's
funny. That would legally get us in trouble.
Yes, yes. Get us assault charges. Yes. Yeah,
we don't need that at our age, do we? No. Yeah,
it's like, what, three years? I can do three
years. Yeah. No, that's what... No, an old neighbor
of mine, he was an old whiskey drinker, and he'd
get fucking all bent on whiskey, and that's what
you call it, bent. Whiskey bent. Right, Rob?
Yeah, whiskey bent. Yeah, he would... Yes. True.
Yep, good song, too. And he used to get whiskey
bent every night. And he'd get pissed off at
some of me. He'd go, I'm going to go get my gun
if you don't watch it. He goes, and you know
why I'm going to go get my gun? Because I maybe
got a year left in life. I can do that standing
on my head. And he goes, I'll get life in prison.
Who gives a fuck at this age? Right. He was talking
about shooting you. And I was like, you know,
yeah. I was like, no, this old whiskey drinker,
I ain't screwing with him. Go ahead. Go ahead.
I'm done. Yeah, and I'm pretty sure he meant
it. He didn't give a shit. I mean, you know,
the guy would never take a fucking shower. He
smelled like walking shit. He smelled like fried
shit with maybe some sewage mixed in. Yeah. And
he loved it, too. He'd just brag about, I took
a shower in three fucking months. I don't think
I'm going to take another one for another year.
It's like, geez. He'd be out in his front porch.
He didn't believe in air conditioning. So he'd
be sweating. He'd be 110. He'd be out there fucking
slamming, snorting whiskey, and, you know, and
stinking. So, anyhow, smelling like a trash heap.
But anyhow, that was back then. All right, so
I went online to look for better car insurance
quotes. The problem is, when you do this, it
opens you up to all the text quotes or agents
trying to talk to you, right? Have you ever done
that before? Well, me and Princess are about
ready to bundle ours, so yeah, we're about ready
to look into that. All right, okay. Well, I mean,
Doug and the EMU, they keep sending me texts.
And the problem with them is this right here.
They haven't given me a way to put stop on there
yet. All the other ones said to quit getting
these text quotes, send back stop, and they'll
stop it, right? So anyhow, I found a much better
rate. But Doug and the emu, I haven't found a
way to do that yet, but they quit. The last two
days they haven't sent me any, so I think I got
the hint by me not answering. So I went online
and I found a much better rate. Didn't I shield
the shelter? Just saying. The new price is half
of what I paid for before for both Jeeps. So
now I have the same coverage at half the price.
and 10 minutes looking to quotes online. So now
I have all the people that are trying to sell
me something, and I just locked in this rate,
and I'm happy with it. And it's the same coverage
that I had before, so I'm not screwing with it.
I'm not touching it. I'm good. Half the price,
I'm good. And you said that was shield of shelter?
No. Shielded Shelter is the one that was charging
me more. I'm not saying anything bad about anything
at all. No, no, no. They all have their prices.
Yes, yes. I've had great prices on home insurance
through Shielded Shelter. That might be their
strength. I don't know. Anyhow, I already got
this great rate. Now I have a new problem. It's
all the unwanted phone calls and texts. And this
is when you put in your information online on
one of those services, and they find you better
quotes. And they did, but the problem is I didn't
realize it, but they give your number out to
all these agents. A lot of them called, but a
lot of them text. The smarter ones text because
they know you may not have time to talk. And
if they throw it to you and go, hey, you're in
this ballpark, you might call them back and go,
hey, I'm interested or not. But I already got
my quote, and I was good with it, and I already
signed on the diving line. So I was on break
at work, and Liberty Mutual sent me one of my
many texts. And I was inquiring about better
rates, so they were trying to get my account.
And actually, I guess the Emu and Doug is Liberty
Mutual, aren't they? Yeah. Okay. Yes, they are.
All right. I just now thought about that. It's
also the ones where they're standing at the edge
of the... What fucking bay is that? They do the
stupid commercials. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, Battery Park. No, no, no, Battery
Park in New York, and it overlooks the Statue
of Liberty. Okay, yeah, yeah, and they do the
commercial, yeah. Yeah, I believe that's Battery,
I think that's Battery Park in New York, and
you overlook the Statue of Liberty, which is
actually in New Jersey, I believe. So, anyhow,
I believe it's Battery Park is where they are,
and they do stupid shit, you know, where you
got some guy that can't even say Liberty Mutual.
He says Liberty Bibbidi or some stupid shit like
that. Yeah, I know, yeah. Yeah, that's it right
there. Liberty Bibbidi. Liberty Bibbidi, that's
it. And I have nothing against Liberty Mutual.
I mean, they sent me good quotes and everything.
So on the last one that they sent me, they're
trying to get my account, and I can't blame them.
I didn't realize that the service I use gave
my number to them, and I don't blame them. They're
trying to sell. The end of the last text, it
said to stop this, reply stop. And then afterwards
it said, after I stopped it, when it sent me
back saying you've successfully canceled the
quotes, It said to start back up, send start
to the same text again, right? So just reply
with text. So I'm sitting there going, what the
hell? Okay, I just pushed stop. Why would I want
to start it again? You know what I mean? So I'm
sitting there thinking about it. I'm like, you
know, so I'm getting ready to go back to work.
And I was like, I wonder what happens if I send
start back. So I did it. You dumbass. You dumbass.
Okay. No, here's what I did. I hit start. Oh,
congratulations. You know, you're on our list
again or whatever it said. Okay. So then I'm
sitting there and I'm like, all right. I come
back out and they already sent me a quote. I
send back, stop. Okay. So it sends me a message.
All right. Okay, cool. No problem. You know,
not in those words, but all right. You successfully
canceled this. So then I decided to start. I
hit start again. I did this like four times,
and finally, it blocked me. It's like, nothing
will go through now. Then I realized what it
did. It blocked me. I'm like, wow. I wonder if
that was a person or if that was automated. I
wonder if some guy's over there going, look at
this dickhead screwing with me. You got the algorithm.
Yeah. You beat the algorithm. Yes, I did. Yes,
I did. And Topher and I have been beating the
algorithms on like YouTube and Spotify for a
long time now. And it's funny because Spotify,
I got them mind screwed, the algorithms. And
I've told about this before. I think probably
on the music creeps, maybe on this one. Yeah,
that's kind of like how iHeart is with me. I
use iHeart. And it kept trying to cram four commercials
about every three songs. So every time it would
cram, you could look at it and it would say four
commercials coming up, one out of four. So I'd
be like, no, that's not acceptable. So I'd shut
it off. And I wouldn't go back to it for two
days. Then I'd go turn it on and it would give
me about three songs that would go back to two
commercials. Because it kind of like realized,
hey, I don't think this guy likes four commercials.
So then I believe it was using his GPS. All this
is things I think. I mean, it may not be true,
but it kind of looked like to me like that's
what was going on. So it looked to me like whenever
I was at work and it figured out that I couldn't
get to the radio, it would go, I think, go by
GPS. It would start cramming five commercials
in, four or five commercials. And it would know
when I was at work. I kept the big speaker that
we use at work right next to me and my phone
right next to me when I was there doing my work.
And whenever it started doing it, I would shut
it off. I wouldn't go back to it for a week.
So the next time I was at work using it, it went
back to two commercials. And Topher does the
same thing. He does it with YouTube also. He
only allows like 15 seconds of commercials and
he shuts it off and he leaves it off for a couple
of days like me. And it freaks it out. all of
a sudden it's like no shit this guy isn't putting
up with four commercials all right or or 30 seconds
works so it gives you 15 seconds it's funny you
can get them to do this now that i said this
if you try it you'll see exactly what i mean
it trains it essentially uh however they do the
algorithms ai or whatever like realizes hey this
guy doesn't like four commercials let's back
it down to two and then you'll get that for a
while, and then it'll get bold, and it'll come
back, and it'll try to throw four or five in
a row on you. And hopefully you're near your
phone, so you can go, nah, I'm not putting up
with that. And then you just go to your own playlist.
So, I forgot where that came from, so. Oh, Liberty
Mutual and hit and stop and start. So, all right.
Rob, how far along would you have gotten if you
presented this to your parents when you were
younger? And I just want your reaction. I'm going
to tell you. Okay. More young adults are asking
their parents to pay their bills. And they say,
I'm broke and it's unfair society. How would
that have went? All right. You walk in, okay,
and you're like, man, shit. I'm broke again.
I just paid my car insurance, my car payment,
I bought a pizza, and everything's done. Okay.
And you go, hey. What happened to me was I had
to suffer. Yes. My parents raised me to be my
own person. So that's why you met me on my 16th
birthday. And you were working. We met at work.
Yeah. And hell, when I was 13, I helped my grandpa
that summer. on a construction cruise, a laborer.
Oh, yeah. Age of 13. Uh -huh. And made a paycheck.
So, you know, my family's haunt me well. Yeah,
no, no, no, me too. And that's how come we've
never had a problem working or making a living.
And I've done that with my kids. Unfortunately,
we have our good kids and we have our bad kids.
Every... Yeah. That's the way it goes. No, I
get it. I can't complain. I cannot complain about
that at all. But I know a lot of people, they
have one good one and one horrible one. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, it happens. So after Lindsey Gorman,
27, bought a car last year. she grappled with
how she was going to afford the 191 monthly insurance
payments. I tell you how you afford the $191
insurance payments. You buy a car that has better
insurance rates. Right? Isn't that what you had
to do? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I had to do. Well,
I got full coverage, roadside assistance, everything,
and I pay $198. A month? Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay.
All right. No, I got all that. One of the greatest
driving records. Oh, no, no, no, no. And I mean,
that's really probably about average. I got a
better rate than that. It really is. But I've
been really careful. So, because I wasn't such
a good driver before. I remember back, I was
on SR22 for a while. Yeah. And not because of
drinking and driving. I was never a big drinker
or driver. I always left that to someone else.
I'd always find someone else is willing to drive,
and I'd cop on. I'd be like, hey, are you going
towards so -and -so? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, could
I get along? So I never drove. I left my car
wherever. Um, but mine was just simply just being
a stupid ass, you know, like, uh, turning up
the radio and I don't know, uh, fucking, fucking
around with somebody in a car, you know, goofing
around, you know, flipping people, you know,
whatever you're doing as a teenager, I'd end
up hitting somebody or something, you know, not
somebody as in a person, but another car or something
like that. So mine was just plain ass, just being
a stupid kid. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I had,
get you caught is doing stupid shit. Yeah, yeah.
And SR22 stands for severe risk. And what that
does is it increases your rates at least five
times. So, yeah, I had to pay some of that when
I was younger. So, you know, so I've been really
careful lately. So I've had some pretty good
rates. But I'd like to add this too. There is
not any insurance rates that are good anymore.
And that's because people don't get insured.
They hit you, and then you can't go to their
insurance. You have to go to yours because you
have insurance. And then they just keep driving,
and they don't give a shit. They're like, I don't
care. So then our insurance has to get their
money out of somebody so they come to us in the
long run. Yes, they get it out of you. That's
the way it works out. Yep. That's the way it
works out. Yeah, so it kind of sucks. My dad
told me that years ago. Yeah. So this Lindsey
Gorman. 27, can't afford her monthly insurance
payments of $191 apiece, you know, a month. And,
you know, and like we said, if that happens,
back in the day, you had to get a more, a car
that wasn't so much of a sport car or whatever.
Right. Because those are the ones that raised
your rates so high. So I was like, well, shit,
the only thing I can afford is a Pinto. Pinto
car insurance is $20 a month. All right, I'm
going to have to go with a Pinto. I got to leave
the Mustang alone for right now. You know, later
on when I started earning more money, I got to
go get that convertible Mustang. But until then,
I was driving a Pinto. So we didn't have this
option of doing this because, number one, my
parents would laugh me out of the house if I
said that to them. I go, tough shit, kiddo. Go
figure it out like we did. You know, and then
my dad would tell me about it. That's what my
parents did. Yeah, I had to figure out like my
parents did. And that's what I'm trying to do
with my son. But yet I'm there when he needs
help, I give him the feedback he needs, you know.
My daughter, I've done that with my daughter,
but my daughter don't listen. It goes in one
ear and out the other. My son actually listens.
And this goes back to what we were talking about
earlier. I'm sorry, Brad. it's true it's true
you know it uh she probably knows it yeah so
yeah yeah it it was just that simple you know
and my dad would tell me about how he bucked
hay all summer that he didn't get to go fuck
off and hang out with friends like i did now
i worked and everything you know we worked at
like like we're talking about Justin Jim's and
other places like that, and we had a good time
and everything, but we showed up every day and
we worked because we needed that money to support
whatever we were doing, whether it's buying a
35 -pack of the 8 -ounce bottles of PBR. Remember
those? Yeah, or buying Aussie chickens. Yeah,
yes, both of them. We bought it ourselves. When
Davey and I went to WASP... Our parents did not
buy... this stuff no we did when dave and i went
to wasp um not last year now god it's like a
year before that gosh that's hard to believe
so we went to wasp is in december not last year
but the year before in wichita him and i had
a lot a lot of time to talk about old times right
and we're having a blast tooling down 35 highway
to uh to wichita and uh we started talking about
the 35 Pabst Blue Ribbon bottles that you used
to be able to get. Oh, yeah. Yes. We used to
get like three of them, and they're eight -ounce
bottles of Pabst. And whenever we didn't have
a bottle opener, this was stupid, we had to break
the top off and drink it like that. Yep. Yeah,
it was dumb as hell. I remember those days. Yes.
But we used to have a code, because his mom used
to listen in on the phone. There are 35 bottles,
so David wanted to know if I got the alcohol.
And he goes, hey, Mark. Yeah. You got that 35
cents you owe me? Yeah, yeah, I got it. He knew
that we had those 35 PBRs. So his mom developed
Parkinson's, unfortunately, and she passed away
a few years ago. God rest her soul. You knew
his mom. She was such a sweetheart. Yes, God
rest her. She was a wonderful woman. She put
up a lot of shit. Oh, my gosh, yeah. But another
thing is she was so wise. You could just walk
up to her and go, hey, mom. We all called her
mom. Yeah, you could go to her, and she wanted
it like that. She was so sweet. Olita was her
name. And you'd be like, I can't really go to
my parents about this. So you go to her and go,
hey, Olita or mom, we all called her mom. And,
yeah, I got an issue. Can I talk to you about
it? And she would give you straight talk. And
she was great to talk to. She was so intelligent
and worldly. Especially in the position I was
in at the time. You know, I wasn't living at
home. Yeah, this is true. She was the big inspiration
to me. She really was. I think she was to everybody.
A lot of what she told me in our conversation
stuck with me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she was a beautiful,
yeah, she was very wise. Yeah, yeah, well, she
came from nothing. I mean, you know, out in Arkansas,
pretty much dirt force. And she's seen us doing
the same thing. Mm -hmm. She was very understanding
and didn't judge you, which I loved. I loved.
I had long hair and I drank and, you know, and
did stupid shit. She knew who the good ones were.
She realized underneath all of that was someone
that was actually a real person and really wasn't
just, you know, a piece of garbage. But she told
me, she told me and Davey, I knew about your
35 cents deal all along. And we're like, well,
why didn't you do anything about it? And she
goes, you got to let kids learn. She goes, I
could have yelled at you all day long, but you
would have found another way around it. So at
least you were drinking here in this town, not
driving. And that's all she cared about. And
I was like, wow. And she told us that. And this
is when she was into Parkinson's a little bit.
She was a little bit deep in it. And she was
having a pretty cognizant moment. Me and Davey
were talking to her. And she just told us that.
And me and Davey look at each other and go, I
see it. I see that. Yeah, yeah, because that's
what you do with Parkinson's. It's kind of like
Alzheimer's where you pick out certain pieces
of time and you go back to it. And she told us
that, and we're like, wow, that whole time she
knew. And we thought we were so clever. Yeah,
he'd be like, hey, you got that 35 seconds? Yeah,
yeah, I do. Or, no, I couldn't. I don't have
it. And the whole time she knew, and she just
allowed us to do it because that's what we needed
to do. And it was really brilliant. Me and Dave
were like, we were going where we were going.
We're like going, she was always three steps
ahead of us. We were too dumb to know it. You
know, we were too dumb to know that she was three
steps ahead of us. So it was funny. So anyhow,
I forgot where I, let's see, where was I? Okay,
so this girl. Lindsay Gorman, you know, could
afford her car insurance. She talked to her mom,
and then the two realized that if Gorman registered
her car under her mom's insurance policy, the
payments would be $50 lower. The plan was for
Gorman's mom to pay the insurance company and
for Gorman to pay her back. So far, her mom has
been covering 100 % of the cost. Now, to me,
that's on the mom. Right? You just quit paying
it. Yeah, you go, look, you can go drive your
car, but if you get in trouble, it's on you.
I'm not paying your insurance anymore. So I'm
putting this on the mom. She's allowing this
to happen. So honestly, after I got my car, this
is what she's saying. I was kind of struggling,
and she said, don't worry about it for now, says
Gorman, who works as a financial advisor in Austin,
Texas. So this girl that's having her mom pay
her bills is a financial advisor. So getting
consistent financial help from her parents well
into adulthood, as Gorman does, is not uncommon.
Something that may reflect the worsening cost
of living crisis shouldered by many middle -class
families. In 2025, parents of children ages 25
to 44 gave their kids on average $863 a month,
according to Savings .com. Those with kids aging
18 to 28. gave their children $1 ,813 a month.
Okay. Dude, that's almost my wages. Yeah, that's
insane. That's the rich snob, is what that is.
That's what they're talking about. This is a
real world right here. No. Let's see. So this
was not always the case. Economic conditions
allowed older Americans to hit certain milestones
earlier than their offspring. In 1984, 78 % of
30 -year -olds were married and 47 % owned a
home. Can you believe that? In 1984. According
to the data from John Burns Research and Consulting,
in 2024, only 48 % of 30 -year -olds were married
and 33 % owned a home. More young adults are
also living in their parents' home than in previous
decades. So that's kind of a, I don't know, man,
you know. I see that. Yeah. A lot of families.
Yes, well, it's kind of going back to the 1800s.
And here's what I mean by this. I know you would
know this, Rob, because you know history and
you grew up around Missouri. And you know that
the rural farm was like this. You needed kids
to work on the farm so the family could survive.
So the kids would grow up. Because once the dad
gets too old, the kids have to take the family
farm over so you can keep them. Yes. So what
they did was instead of the kids branching out
and buying a house down the road or somewhere
else, they would build onto the home. So your
young family would live in one of the areas that
you built on. And then let's say your brother
Jebediah, you know, got a wife, married a lady
and wanted to have children. You would build
onto that house right there too. You would not.
go out and actively get another house. And another
difference is you would build the house with
your family. You would all go, all right, Jebediah
needs, he plans on having three children. So
let's go ahead and build this whole south section
for him. And then, I don't know, think of another
name. I don't know. Joseph, Joseph, that's it.
Good old -fashioned. Okay. Yeah, your brother
Joseph just got married, and they plan on having
four children. So he's going to go to the north
side, and we're going to build on to there. So
this is kind of almost like it's going back to
the 1800s, where children are staying at home
longer. The only difference is they're not, like,
really quick to getting married now like they
were back then. Back then, you married the lady
that you thought were going to provide you the
best children and teach them the best, you know.
And now it's a completely different ballgame.
So, anyhow, I thought that was an interesting
article that I wanted to cover. I was going to
cover it a while back, but I finally got to it
today because I thought that was interesting.
All those statistics are interesting, but I do
believe that it's kind of almost like it's going
back to the 1800s where the children didn't branch
out too much because simply you just couldn't
do it. So, anyhow, I've got so much more stuff,
but we're 30 -some minutes into this. So, Rob,
let's go to you. Okay, and actually, I've got
two right off the bat, dude. Oh, kick -ass. They're
short ones. They're short ones. Okay. And this
is my normal Lake of the Ozark news. Cool. No
Highway 54? Okay. It'll be back, though. Yeah,
the rest of the week was pretty boring. Oh, okay.
Although, I do have something I'm working on,
because there's a new state law opening up, and
I'm... Yeah, it's a story I'm working on. Okay.
But anyway, we'll get back to that. Okay. I told
you they're building a community center right
there next to the apartments where I lived. Okay,
well, this is going into that. Okay, sounds good.
We've all heard the phrase about not being able
to please all the people all the time. That seems
to be an issue officials in Camden are facing
after recently releasing four... for the city's
future community center one of the main inquiries
from the public over the years is to possibly
is the possibility of the facility to include
an indoor pool which according to mayor john
mcnabb is not economically feasible okay Yes.
Yeah. Because this community center is right
next to the city water park. Oh, okay. Okay.
You remember when we were growing up, we had
actual swimming pools. Yes. Now they're water
parks. Yeah. And the water is maybe three foot
deep. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and you don't, like,
go in there and lounge around or jump around
and swim. Right. Yeah, there's a lot of reasons.
Sanitary reasons are part of it. Yeah. Well,
yeah, there's a lot more. I know. I've been certified
in pools as long as I understand it. Did you
ever have to fish a baby Ruth? Did you ever have
to fish a baby Ruth out? No. Okay, that's good.
That's good. I get what they're saying there.
I do too. I do. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you still have
direct ties. And my kids live there. I still
live there. Yeah, yeah, I got you. The Duke lives
there now. Oh, the Duke. Yes, and I did talk
to him a while ago. Oh, good. How is the Duke?
Everything's all good. All right, good, good.
Okay, our next Camden County story for tonight.
Here we go again. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right.
This, according to the real chief deputy, Scott
Hines, who says this time around the reported
scammer is using the name of Sergeant Larry Bowley
to try grabbing your cash. Oh, boy. You should
just hang up without engaging with the individual.
You should also make sure your family members,
especially older ones, also know about the scam.
And it makes you feel any better if you receive
such a call, you can always report it to your
local law enforcement company or law enforcement
office. Man. Okay. So anybody in the Cannon County,
Missouri area, you know, if you know, you know,
this is an ongoing thing. He's back. Do not send
speeding ticket money with an officer. Just saying.
Yeah, that's fucked up. Yeah. Well, there you
guys go. Let's take our first break and come
back with some emails. Sounds awesome. All right.
We'll be right back. Two douchebags and microphone
in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. What in the devil?
My bank is really out of calendars. What do they
expect me to do, go to Walmart and buy a $3 calendar?
This is complete bullshit. I am outraged. Hey
peeps, it's time for the police blotter. That's
right, stories about stupid criminals and the
dumbassness that ensued. Let us begin now. During
a routine traffic stop, Ohio officer Sergeant
John Allen found a bag of illegal narcotics.
He was about to let 29 -year -old Sean, total
of Columbus, go when he spotted laying in the
passenger seat a clear, baggy, labeled bag of
drugs. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible
ink? Huh. I may never know. Harambe used to listen
to our original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap
Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Harambe
does not listen to our original show, Two Dipshits
and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder
anymore. You might ask why Harambe never listens
to our original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap
Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Well, it's
because Harambe is dead. Senselessly murdered
because some idiot did not watch her child properly
while looking on her phone. Sadly, Arambe does
not listen to our original show, Two Gibshits
and the Cheap Radio Shedack Realistic Take Recorder,
or any other show. Anymore. Sorry, Arambe. To
radiation. Watch him glow. Watch Rob Red jump
up 25 feet and grab birds out of thin air with
his mouth. With his mouth. Rob can now be rented
for children's parties and bar men's fights.
That's right. Come on and rent you a Rob today.
That's right. Come by and rent Rob for a day.
A day. A day. Watch Rob consume seven bottles
of night cream and still break dance and move
on. Watch Rob Redd fart down a building. Fart
down a building! Rob Redd assumes no responsibility
whatsoever. He is not a babysitter and he doesn't
give one else a shit about your children. Please
remember to corral every little bastard you have.
Before Rob gets there, and Walt will not put
up with any backtalk, he will promptly get them
in the place. Rob Rehag assumes no responsibility
for anything that could be stolen from his visit.
Rob Rehag has no responsibility whatsoever in
any help him of any situation. Read a Rob today.
Your mama's so fat. When she was floating in
the ocean, Spain claimed her as their new territory.
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for
brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
Bumblebees have been proven to sing to their
young. Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Make raccoons. chew up your trash bags every
trash day on the curb just enough to where you
have to rebag them and enough to where the trash
that won't pick them up and you have to pay for
extra bags the next week. The boll weevil clap.
Read up on that sometime. The boll weevil clap
and this old guy that I knew that was in Vietnam,
I probably should say, well, you know what? You
can take this part out of here if you like it.
And we could put it somewhere. But this old guy
that I knew down the road from me, who was in
Vietnam, he told me that one day, you know, him
and a couple of guys got a day off from the war.
So they went into the nearest town to go look
for some hookers. You know, they're like, you
know, if we're going to die, we're going to get
laid. So, okay, all right. So they go in there,
and I guess the Viet Cong loaded the prostitutes
full of this stuff called... the bowl we will
clap yeah oh it is so anyhow he said you know
they all went and um you know did what they needed
to do you know they thought they're all gonna
die so they went and they got laid and next day
when a guy comes in he goes oh my god he goes
i hurt so bad like you know my fucking dick hurts
like hell my stomach hurts i think i'm gonna
die what'd they do with those damn hookers So
anyhow, and he started hurting really bad. He
said it hurt so bad you could hardly breathe.
You could feel it in your dick shaft. It hurt
so bad. So they all go in, and I guess it's like
a horrible infection. And if you don't get it
treated, it will kill you. Like, you know, go
up your scrotum and into your testicles. And
anyhow, the only cure back then was is they had
to take this glass rod, shoved it in the end
of your penis. and mash it with a rubber mallet.
And then you have to physically squeeze all the
infection out of your penis. I've heard of this.
Yes. And this took like four hours of mashing
this rod and then squeezing all the infection
out. Because if they don't get all the infection
out right then... It just flares right back up.
Yes. Seals your pee -pee shut. Yes. Yeah, that
was the old joke of, you know, if you catch VD,
your dick's going to turn black and fall off.
But there are actually STDs. That was the worst
case scenario, yeah. It actually will turn black
and fall off because the tissue will die. Yeah,
it's kind of like a Gann Green type of deal,
you know, or something like that. So anyhow,
yeah, he said after that, he said, no, no more
hookers. Yes, it's true. Mark is an old bastard.
It's also true that Mark uses a lot of ibuprofen.
But Mark would like to tell you, if you see any
pictures of him roofing ibuprofen, it's obviously
fake, and you're to take the pictures and tear
them up immediately. Hey, if you're a fan of
paying way too much for trinkets and food, well,
your wish is coming true. Kansas City International
Airport Guest Pass program is starting today.
Yes. You, too, could overspend on workless trinkets
and $15 cups of coffee. You want to buy a $50
cheap T -shirt that has KC Western Auto Building
image on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue
sauce gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40
and you're first born. Hurry. You know rubes
are jumping all over to get to this complete
ripoff. Because people are sheep. I am Mark here
in the Kansas City studio that we call the Talk
is Cheap studio. And here are my goat noises.
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri. Home of
the Magnets at Lucas Oil Speedway and Mortar
Track. And also home of Picamo's Country Store.
where you can find all your needs including a
selfie with this green sinclair dinosaur in the
duck flag studio all right thank you rob um i
have some emails uh so we will get right off
to them and i have a featured email too that's
interesting like all of them are so all right
the first one rob are you planning on attending
any local races this year You could walk to the
racetrack. Jeff in Carthage. Okay. Straight up.
Yes, I am going to some races of Lucas Oil this
year because our head of HR's son at work is
going to be racing there in his own car this
year, so I'm going to support him. So, yeah.
I'm going to be at Lucas Oil quite a bit this
year. Yeah, I know you at least told me that.
I don't know if you told that on the show or
not, but I remember you telling me that, so that's
pretty cool. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Our HR lady's
oldest son works with us, and he's got his own
race car. His dad's in racing, too, and they
race in Lebanon. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, now the
sun is going to expand and come up to Lucas.
So, yeah, I'm going to be there supporting 100%.
Yeah, you better believe I'm going to be at Lucas
Oil this year. I don't have to sit in my yard
and listen. I'm going. Jeff in Carthage, probably
Carthage, Missouri, I imagine. Yeah, write us
back. Let us know if you're going to go there.
Come on in. You never know, maybe I'll show up
there too. What the hell, have a little douchebag
party. Why not? Yeah, it's only about two hours,
40 minutes. Walk a block and a half, won't even
have to pay for parking. Yep, and we walk naked
too, don't we? Oh, I'll be at a one cost. Oh,
okay, okay, I'll be naked. No, no, you've got
to have some. Oh, I do? Okay. We'll have to get
you a one cost. I'll wear a diaper. I can't seal
your loincloth. I can't do that. Okay, diaper.
Yeah, we'll get you a diaper. Okay. You've got
to have something. I'm going to have a diaper
with those little Robin Hood feathers on the
side of them. Or those flash. Remember the old
deadpan flash with the panhead and the feathers
on it? I'm going to have feathers on my diaper
like that. That will work. That will work. You've
just got to be covered. Yeah, okay. Alright,
it's a deal. Uh, spit shake? Spit shake. Alright.
Alright, it's done now. Spit shake. That means
it's on. Alright, next one. Hey guys, bravo.
The I call bullshit was dead on. I'm sick of
these sudden would -be activists and their rhetoric.
I just want everyone to keep their opinions to
themselves. Please and thank you. You're the
best. Jamie in Lincoln, probably Nebraska, 100%.
What'd you say? It broke up. Hello, Rob? Hello.
Oh, okay, there you are. Okay, what did you say?
I couldn't hear you. It broke up. I just said
that's what I was expecting, Lincoln, Nebraska.
Okay. All right, Jamie. I don't know what the
hell happened there. Okay, it's fine. Jamie?
100%. That's why we did it. That's why we came
up with that. That's what we do. We want to keep
people's minds off shit. Yeah. And I am sick
of the people that like the bit said. like the
little segment said was a week ago, the city
was showing their French toast. And now all of
a sudden they're a, they're an expert in geopolitical
science. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. So I'm sick
of it and don't send it to me. Cause I don't
want to hear your opinion. Most people, I don't
care. So, all right. Mark, are you still doing
the post -apocalypse survival tips? I remember
you were getting information from a real survivalist.
Yeah, Rob knows him too. Would it be possible
to ask him or her for information on how to cure
or tan leather? Appreciate it. Love the show.
Mark in Pennsylvania. Actually, I have good connections.
I can get you. Yeah, we can do that. Okay. All
right. Rob, if you want to handle that. Mark
in Pennsylvania. Does that sound good, Rob? Will
you handle that on the next one or the one after?
Cure or tan leather is what he said here. I think
it's the same thing. Isn't it curing and tanning?
Yeah. Okay. All right. Thank you, Mark. There
you go. You will have an answer. Yeah, I will
give you an answer. Okay, this next... Next podcast.
There you go. You ask, we give, Mark. That's
what we do here, right? Yep. We give so much
our hands are bloody, right? You just may have
to listen to another podcast to get your answer.
Yeah. Our hands are bloody for that or maybe
masturbating too much. We're not sure which one,
but it could be because we're giving too much.
Right, Rob? Mine's because I work too much. Okay.
Mine's excessive masturbating, but we'll get
into that later. So, okay. And, of course, you
know, I'm joking. Oh, maybe. All right. Next
one. All right. Where the hell were we? Before
I lose everything. I don't know. I don't have
a fucking clue. Oh, neither. I know nothing.
That's why I do a podcast. I'm following you
at this point. Oh, man, I'm so sorry for you.
All right. I have the next one. I've noticed
over the last month or so that you and other
hosts have kind of gotten a little more serious
after we talk about masturbating and hands bleeding.
Is this by design or is just the content you
all came up with? I'm saying this because I love
the mix of humor and real life issues together
as of late. Rossington in Dallas. Hello, Rossington.
I mean, we didn't get together. and suddenly
go, we're going to get more serious. I think
it's just natural. Life today is more serious.
Our main goal is to try to break that seriousness.
But sometimes we have to get serious too. Yeah,
yeah. You know, and that's all it is. You know
what I mean? I love that analogy. Just an example.
Rob, speaking of goat fucking, if we get to it,
I got an article that I'm going to do next about
a guy fucking a vacuum cleaner at a resort, and
he went to jail. Oh, dude, no. Princess told
me about that. I was going to look that up. Thank
you for having that. Yes. Princess told me about
that, and I did not get it there. Okay, full
disclosure. Okay, Bubba the Love Sponge, I listen
to his show quite a bit. I still like his show.
But he doesn't talk about it so much. They got
a little bit more serious. Every show had to.
So he got caught banging his fucking dad's vacuum
cleaner when he was young. And he talks about
it freely, so I'm not giving away anything. It's
like a secret here. But remember my neighbor?
in Cleveland that we caught fucking his mom's
vacuum, his mom and dad's vacuum, or not fucking,
but, you know, getting blown by it or whatever.
Yes. We used to call him Hoover Man. Yes. Yeah.
Evidently, it's common. I remember, yeah. It's
evidently common. So, when people are younger,
I guess, so, me, I'd be too scared to. Gosh,
wouldn't you be worried like that would rip your...
fucking penis or something? I mean, I don't know.
To me, that... Or what if it gets stuck? And
then you gotta... Mom! Hey, hey, hey. If you
wanna do it, do it right. Use a Kirby. Whoa.
You gotta be able to know what a Kirby is. Yeah,
yeah. Lil' Marky, yes. What'd you do to... You
want something done down there, use a Kirby.
I see it right now. Lil' Marky, what are you
doing holding your scrotum? uh it's bleeding
a little marky how come your scrotum is bleeding
uh i don't want to talk about it what's the vacuum
how come there's blood on the vacuum i really
don't want to talk about it can we just move
on give me a band -aid no we need to investigate
this little marky all right um all right next
one no oh Yes, yes. The funnest generation. The
funnest generation ever. The reason the 90s were
so depressed is because that was our hangover.
Oh, fuck. Yeah, we had to grow up a little bit
and it sucked. Yeah. All right, next one. Help.
I need a peanut butter waffle recipe. I think
Rob is an expert on peanut butter waffles. Trixie
and Denver. Make your waffles, spread your peanut
butter on. That's all there is to it. There you
go, Trixie. If you really want to get creative,
put some peanut butter in your batter. That's
the trick. Rob, you are out of breath. Now, I
don't believe this person's name is Trixie. I
think this is just someone's dream. I've talked
all over that one. It's one of my favorites.
Rob is correct. You put the peanut butter in
the batter. In the batter. And actually, I found
that out. I started doing that with anything
I baked. Because I used to make my own little
mini muffins and I'd slice them up and take them
to work for breakfast. You know, Trixie in Denver,
I thought she was just screwing with us, but
have you ever mentioned something about peanut
butter waffles? Wow. There you go. Wow, Rob.
Okay. This is my work by doing it. This is, yeah.
Okay. But you can add stuff to your grease. You
just got to watch your content. Okay. All right.
Thank you, Rob. Sure stuff. Trixie, there you
go. Next one. I was apeshit over Uncle Rob's
tips for life until I heard the new police blotter
segment. I fucking love it. The voice that is
used is so fitting. Thank you all for the entertainment.
Penny in Kalamazoo. Kalamazoo, fun place. Been
there a couple of times. You would never guess
it. This was a long time ago when I went up there
a few times for work. And they have a unique
strip club situation. One side is 18 and one
side is 21. One side is clothing, as in like,
you know, pretty much bikinis, string bikinis,
T -backs, stuff like that. And the other side
is 21 is completely nude. And they do that up
there. So, all right. Not that I've been there.
Right, Rob? I've heard. I can honestly say I've
never been there. Okay, there you go. All right.
What happened to Rob's booty shorts feed? I was
trying to catch it, but no luck. Mitch in North
Dakota. He's in North Dakota? All right. That's
what he says. I guess, unless he's messing with
us. Well, no. He told us he was. Oh, yeah. Yeah,
that's right. That's right. That was a couple
months ago, I think. He said he was moving to
North Dakota. Okay. Well, he's there now. All
right. Well. Hope you're doing good, Mitch. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Your booty shorts feed, Rob. What
happened to it? I don't know. I've been busy.
All right, we're going to reintroduce it, okay?
Yeah, yeah, we're going to have to. Rob has some
new Dazzler booty shorts that you're going to
love. They're diamond encrusted. And is it a
T -back? Or is it just regular booty shorts?
Of course it's a T -back. Okay, and you have
that new close -up camera. Princess specially
made it for me. Oh, there you go. Princess is
awesome. Thank you. The world thanks Princess.
There you go. Yeah, and it's going to have diamond
studs on it and all that. Man, perfect. And you
have that new close -up option, remember, where
you can hit zoom? Yeah, so on the feed you can
hit zoom. You can focus right in on his fucking
mud button if you want. Or the part where, you
know, the bag's trying to seep out of the booty
shorts. You can focus in on that if you want,
right? Because you've been having problems with
your sack, kind of, you know. Yeah, a little
bit. Yeah, a little bit, kind of running out
there, a little scrotum, like, peeking out. Well,
yeah, yeah, I am getting old. Yeah, shit like
that happens. It's called gravity. Nothing. Yeah,
yes. Yeah, a man's scrotum is not the same and
is almost 60 as it was when he was 20. That's
funny, because I remember me being in a fucking
dome in my 20s. Yes. Father Time has a baseball
bat, and Father Time is not afraid to use it.
If you don't believe me, look, go through a yearbook,
and then think of a man. I was a senior pro.
Oh, yeah. Yes, I was in a fucking G -string.
Senior pro. We're out. Which one? OP. Oh, I forgot
there was one in OP. I'm used to them being in
Cozumel. Well, there's an overall Quivira or
some shit. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking Senior
Frogs. I don't even think it's there anymore
in Cozumel. Senior Frogs went half on the beach.
That place is insane. I've seen some crazy shit.
Yeah, I forgot there was one in Kansas for a
while. Okay. Okay, now this freezes. It was a
party in College Park is what it was. Yes, it
was. And the one in Cozumel is you had to get
near the ship and you still had an hour or so
left and you look over and you go, hey, there's
a Senor Frogs. Let's drink until they blow that
fucking horn and we jump up on the pier and start
running. everybody did that so all right um this
leads us to the feature email all right rob i
understand mark this is a little serious but
i figure we probably better cover it okay rob
i understand mark and his medical issues and
not being able to live in the sticks the fact
is health care is subpar in rural areas i would
know this as a traveling nurse the difference
between the rural medical care and the city's
medical care is night and day My question is
this. What are you going to do when you get older
and you need some consistent medical care? This
will be an issue at some point. You just cannot
rely on the urgent care as your primary doctors.
Tracy and Bridgeport. And another thing I can
add is Tracy's completely right. How many of
these hospitals, a great portion of these hospitals
in rural America, have went bankrupt and left,
and they don't have any medical care at all.
Anyhow, go ahead. Sorry. Here's where I'm at
on that. Okay. I still have my job in Canton,
which my insurance covers any late regional visits.
Mm -hmm. which is 45 minutes wait you know i'm
over there five days a week anyway okay so you
know i can make my doctor's appointments over
there and even if i take a day off it's a 45
minute drive um now when i get older that's yet
to be seen depending on what health care i have
Yeah, I mean, hopefully by then they figured
out something. Because a half hour from here,
we have Bolivar, which has a major hospital.
And how about Springfield? Springfield has a
good one. Yeah, you got Springfield. You got
Mercy and Cox. And actually, that's what I was
trying to tell you about Bolivar. I'm thinking
Bolivar is Mercy, I think. Yeah, yeah, Mercy
is a string of hospitals down there. who work
at a decent price. So it's not a problem because
my doctors are over there. I'm still part of
that. I have to go get a yearly physical every
year for our insurance company, which I'm getting
ready to do. I'm going to have to go do that.
And it's going to be over in Canada, so I'm good
for now. Until then. Tracy was not being a smartass
or anything like that, by the way. No, no, no,
no. I understand that question 100 % because
you go from living in a big town with everything
to the sticks. I get that question. I really
appreciate that question, Tracy. I do, too. It's
a caring question. That is stuff. Yeah, I think
we all do. I'm 57. You know, I had to think about
that. And I pretty much got it lined out. Now,
we'll see how things play out the way it is.
Okay. Thank you, Tracy. What a great email. And
thank you, Rob. That's awesome. Do you want to...
I tell you, that's one of my favorite shit. That's
a really... Yeah. All right, cool. Yeah. Thank
you, Tracy. Right back, please. That was a great,
great email. So that's the end of the email.
So, Rob, I think you might have a bag of garbage
or something you want to get to. Yeah, so I got
one tonight. So here we go. Good. And then after
we come back from the break, we can go into the
vacuum fucker. I don't know why I'm reaching
in. I had to. God damn, I'm telling you, I got
to change that damn bag. That was nasty. Okay.
All right. In 1961, three identical triplets
were born and then torn apart. Each was placed
with a different adoptive family, raised in separate
worlds, one working class, The mannerisms, tastes,
and behaviors mirrored each other so closely
that it seemed almost supernatural. Clandestine.
Clandestine. Clandestine. Yeah. A study on nature
versus nurture. Researchers have deliberately
split the boys to see how environment influenced
development without informing them of their adoptive
families. Wow. exposing the ethical abyss of
treating human lives as laboratory subjects.
The story later chronicled in documentaries and
books remains one of modern psychology's most
extraordinary and chilling. Geez. Yeah. These
boys were separated, and then they found each
other as teenagers, and everything was... But
yeah, it was one of those conspiracy theory things.
Mm -hmm. We're just going to leave it at that.
Yeah, it'd be one of those things that you wouldn't
believe unless you really... Yeah. But in the
60s, that was a thing. Yeah. It really was. pretty
well proven yeah yeah i know that too i i think
most people probably know that's pretty common
knowledge at this point but wow right okay well
i don't i don't know how our fans how big our
fans are into the conspiracy theories so i i
would think that a majority of them are more
i'm getting more and more because more and more
yeah um i think that our type of a program commands
that type of a listener really yeah that's just
my thoughts i could be wrong so it's not like
i'm a research uh service or something but that's
the way i kind of view it right so all right
um let's take our second break i'm gonna come
back with the uh vacuum fucker sound good oh
i can't wait okay we'll be right back People
often ask, how do we cram so much money into
one little show? Well, it's simple. We buy funny
in bulk on the Internet. Hey, Mark, you're wanted
at the front door. There's a big bag of funny
they need you to sign for. Okay, thanks a lot.
I'll be right there. I'm still sorting out the
funny we got from yesterday. There's your answer.
We buy funny in bulk on the Internet. Christopher,
you know our elaborate prank section, right?
Mm -hmm. Okay, well, I've got one for you. I
never told you about Babble Snatch, have I? No.
Okay, even if I did, just say I didn't know.
He knows nothing about Babble Snatch. Yeah, I
think I remember a name like Babble Snatch. Okay.
Well, Babble Snatch, this is back in the 80s,
probably mid -80s, best guess. Could have been
87 at the latest, but anyhow. Yeah, I used to
go to the 7 -Eleven in Belvedere, which isn't
there now. It was knocked down and then replaced
way later by a quick trip. But anyhow, I used
to go in there all the time and, you know, go
in there and buy sodas and shit and whatever,
you know, rolling papers for my friends, not
for me. And anyhow, you know, just shit like
that. So anyhow, there's this guy in there. I
don't know, you know, I think he hated long hairs
or something. But anyhow, I noticed he was nice
to everybody but me. Like I'd be like third in
line. And anyhow, you know, the first guy, hey,
Mr. Jones, how you doing? oh man yeah nice weather
hey how's the kid you know next person hi loretta
how you doing oh man yeah yeah yeah everything's
going good man i got the got the old tourist
running really good yeah yeah come by man we'll
the old tourist yeah you know i come up there
142 so how you doing 142 Okay, here you go. And
I'm like, what the hell? How come this guy hates
me? And every time I go in there, nice as pie
to everybody but me, it's like, just like, it
ought to be 249. So, weather's pretty nice out
there. Thanks, bye. I'm like, that motherfucker.
So he did this so many times and he just never
talked to me. He wouldn't even like hardly look
at me, you know. And I never did nothing to this
fucker that I know of. You know, maybe someone
said something like this guy said, you know,
that you're a... dick or maybe someone's screwing
with him. Like, hey man, you think she's got
a nice ass? Who knows? Whatever the fucking deal
was, the guy was just a complete tool bag to
me constantly. So I was like, all right, bitch.
So I go home and I think about it. I'm like,
okay. So I start calling up and I go, hey, you
got any Babble Snatch gum? What? Babble Snatch.
Everybody, I mean, I bought it from there a couple
of weeks ago. Stuff is fucking awesome, man.
I'll tell you what, man, talk to your manager
about it. Is this like a breath -freshening gum?
I don't, you know. Maybe a bubble gum? I just
came up with it. And anyhow, the guy, he bit
on it, you know. He was like, oh, yeah, I'll
check on it for you. That's awesome. Hey, thanks,
man. I appreciate it. So anyhow, so I called
back a little bit later. Yeah, someone called
earlier, you know. And anyhow, I'm sure we have
it here somewhere. But, you know, I'll talk to
my manager about it tonight, and we'll see what
we can do. So anyhow. I have a couple other people
call it about babble snatch gum and, you know,
and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know,
we're, we're working on getting it in. Okay.
You know, the regional manager, we called him
and he said that he was going to work on getting
it in here. And, and I go, well, you know, I
bought it the other day and it's just so good.
And they believe me. I go, man, this gum is just
so great tasting. And he's like, it's babble
snatch, right? Yeah. Babble snatch. That's the
name of it. Okay. All right. I would have loved
to listen to another conversation when he's asking
the regional manager. about Babble Snatch. Oh,
yeah. So, you know, anyhow. I called down there
the next day, and I go, hey, man, you know, you
got that Babble Snatch gum? You know, the guy's
like, oh, hang on, hang on. I think it's in.
We just had a load. Hang on. So, anyhow, so the
guy's like, you know, and this is the guy I hated,
the Paul guy. So, anyhow, he's like, yeah, hang
on a second. So, I hear him like, yeah, hey,
I'm going to go to the back there, and it's in
one of the boxes. They said it was coming in
today. So, all right, no big deal. So, I hear
him go back there. I hear some rustling, and
a couple people come in. Then he stops. He goes
up there. Oh, yeah, it'll be 1242. Okay, thank
you. Have a good day. And then he helps someone
else. I hear him go back again. I hear him wrestling
through some more boxes. Meanwhile, I'm laughing
my ass off. Anyhow, this guy, he like for like
20 minutes is looking for babble snatch gum.
So anyhow, so like finally, like a half hour
later, he comes back. He goes, man, he goes,
look, I know we're going to have it in by the
end of the day. I talked to my manager. Okay.
All right, man. All right. I'll come in at night
and I'll get some gum and save some for me, man.
Okay. My name's Billy. I'll be in. Okay, okay,
all right. I'll save you some Babel Snatch gum.
No problem. So a couple hours later, I call up,
and I talk to the manager. The manager's like,
yeah, yeah, I ordered some a couple days ago,
and it should be in. If it's not in right now,
it's going to be in by the end of the day. I
guarantee you. So I don't know how the hell they
ordered it, because there was no such thing as
Babel Snatch gum. I made the shut up, and all
of a sudden, I mean, everybody wanted this fucking
Babel Snatch gum, and it never did exist. Matter
of fact, this prank guy, so good to where i ended
up this is you know in the 80s before digital
cameras even let alone you know there are phone
cameras and all the you know photoshop and everything
no we had to like cut stuff out of wrappers and
stuff and make a fake babble snatch gum and take
an old faction fashion like uh Polaroid type
of picture. I forgot what it was. It could have
been one of those little box cameras back then.
Probably the only thing I could afford, you know.
Hey, we actually took a picture of the Babble
Snatch gum. And a guy went in there. He goes,
hey, man, I need this. The guy's like, I know,
I know, I know, man. We're working on getting
it in. It's hard to get, man. Everybody wants
this Babble Snatch gum. So anyhow, I guess the
whole moral of the story is don't be a dick to
me because then I'll do something like that.
And even now, to this day, I'll have a couple
people on my friends list every now and then
like, send me a little message. He'll go, Babble
Snatch. I'm like, ah! I remember one time I was
like working up in fucking New York or something
and all of a sudden I get a ding and like I'm
on top of this fucking skyscraper they were putting
in glass and I look down and it says Babble Snatch.
I'm like, fuck! I'm up there dying in this glass
about ready to fall and kill a hundred people.
They recover your body and they look at your
phone. Well, the last text you received said
Babble Snatch. We better look into this. By some
guy named Dirtbag. Yeah. So anyhow, that is my
elaborate prank section of this. Unless we throw
some more in there, but anyhow. Babble Snatch.
Never forget it. This name lives on. Your mama's
so depressing, blues singers come to visit her
when they got writer's block. Tomorrow morning,
while grinding your coffee beans for your double
mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals
caught in the grinder. It really hurts, and who
could afford plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone.
Oh, Lord, that man just sawed a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry. I have a clown nose.
Oh no! That drunk guy just hit my child! It's
okay. I have a clown nose. Clown doses are sold
at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen. Hey there,
slap nuts. It's time for the Creeps Music News.
Hey, my little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny
Rohypnol with your music news. Ozzy Osbourne
in collaboration with Liquid Death sold 10 empty
crushed ice tea cans containing his DNA for $450
each. The cans are part of a promotion called
Infinitely. recyclable Aussie. They have since
sold out. The cans were sealed in lab jars and
contain a sample of Aussie saliva. This is Johnny
Rohypnol. That was your music news, and remember,
bar chords are bullshit. This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on The Hustle. Today,
we would like to celebrate Mr. Timothy J. Brottux,
who is credited for the invention of two -ply
toilet paper. Because of you, Timmy, we no longer
have to spend ten minutes scrubbing our fingernails
after every dump. Mr. Bratox, you are a true
hero. The apocalypse just happened. You don't
know what to do. You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat. During
an apocalypse, don't forget the nuts. Hickory
nuts, that is. Yeah, we know hickory wood gets
all the glory and all the love. Everyone loves
the hickory trees. They cut them down and they
make great sandwiches out of barbecue and meats.
They smoke them and it's a fantastic deal. But
little does anyone know about the hickory nuts.
During an apocalypse, hickory nuts could be the
best thing you can find. Hickory nuts can be
eaten raw, toasted, or added to various recipes.
Their rich, buttery flavor and crunchy texture
make them an ideal ingredient for both sweet
and savory dishes. You can use hickory nuts to
make nut butter, pesto, or even a unique hickory
nut milk. There are five types of hickory nuts.
Bitter nut hickory, shag bark hickory, pig nut
hickory, mocker nut hickory, and smooth bark
hickory. Hickory trees are considered part of
the walnut species and are plentiful at least
around Missouri and surrounding areas. So, during
an apocalypse, don't forget to grab your nuts.
Since the dawn of time, weird shit has happened.
Strange occurrences, unexplained phobias, and
other odd happenings. Over the next minute, we
would like to bring you odd, rare phobias and
conditions. Perry -Romberg Syndrome. Cause is
unknown. No known cure. And extremely rare. Parts
of the face slowly wither. Over years, muscles,
skin, even bones, shrink on one side of the face,
causing disfigurement when it stops progressing.
Great news, assholes. You can now email the douches
anytime, anywhere. In the middle of the job interview.
No big deal. Taking a bath? No problems there.
Tap dancing. Easy as pie. Just send it to 2douches
at mail .com. Do it now, pussies, or I'll smash
you in the junk. Two douchebags and microphone,
I am here at the Kansas City studio, that is
named the Talk is Cheap studio, and my name is
Mark, and I make goat noises. And I am Rob, in
Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedman water track, and also home
of Hickam O's Country Store. where you can find
all your needs, including a selfie with the green
St. Clair dinosaur in the Duck Live studio. Thank
you, Rob. All right, like we were talking about
before, a man was arrested after engaging in
sexual performance with a vacuum cleaner at a
resort. Kissimmee, Florida, of course. WKRC.
TV, I believe, a man was arrested after he allegedly
engaged in a sexual performance with a vacuum
cleaner while at a resort. According to a statement
issued by Osceola County Sheriff's Office, 51
-year -old Kevin Dale Westerhold, if you got
three names, you're guilty, right? Kevin Dale
Westerhold. Three -name people are always guilty.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like John Wayne Gacy or Mark
David Chapman. Yeah, yeah. So, the 51 -year -old
Kevin Dale Westerhold of Aveda, Florida, was
taken into custody after an alleged incident
involving a vacuum cleaner. Per the statement,
deputies responded to the Windsor Hills Resort
in Kissimmee, Florida, last Thursday after receiving
reports of a man exposing himself in front of
a residence. Witnesses provided statements and
a cell phone recording of a partially clothed
male engaged in inappropriate conduct. Documents
obtained by WKMG state that witnesses provided
recordings on a mobile device that allegedly
shows a suspect engaged in a sexual performance
with a vacuum cleaner. The suspect, later identified
as Westerhold, left before deputies arrived.
He must have finished, right? Don't you think?
Yeah. Yeah, he was going to go have a cigarette
and probably sleep. So, the suspect, later identified
as Westerhold, left before deputies arrived.
Further investigation revealed Westerhold and
his wife are Airbnb hosts in Grassendale Street
at the Altman Loop. A complaint from January
21, 2026 included ring camera video of a nude
male in a shared hallway. Additional statements
and blink audio footage from Ultiman Loop residents
reported similar behavior. Previously reported
to the HOA in December. So he'd been a serial
vacuum fucker, it sounds like. So, Department
of... This hotel it happened at... Well, go ahead.
Oh, okay. He was booked into the Seminole County
Jail, charged with exposure of sexual organs.
But what were you saying? I'm sorry. Okay, well,
the story I read had a little more added to it.
Oh, okay. His wife ran that hotel. Oh, okay.
I didn't get that on this one. Okay, I believe
it. That's very believable. So, yeah, that makes
things even a little more awkward. Yeah. Yes.
Wow. Wow. All right. That's all I got, Rob. Go
ahead. Sorry, next one. Okay, well, I hope I
don't step on sports bastards here. Yeah, go
ahead. We don't care at Sports Bastards. We don't
have any pride at all, so go right on ahead.
Listen to the show. Well, I'm going into the
halftime show. Oh, with Bad Bunny? Bad Bunny,
yes. Okay, yeah. Okay, well, whatever. I'm talking
about Bad Bunny, not you. Okay. Okay. Bob Barker's
nephew. Okay. Anyhow, go ahead. Allegedly. to
sell the NFL Network and other assets to ESPN
in exchange for a 10 % stake in the media company.
Okay, so he's afraid. Okay, I got it. He's afraid
it won't go through. I am like a lot of America,
I think, at this point. This is my opinion. Yeah,
yeah. Let's get some country. Let's have some
variety. I have nothing against hip -hop. For
how many years now? Yeah, I have nothing against
hip -hop. I want variety. I don't either. Yeah.
But I would like to see some of these rock and
roll. I would have liked to see Aerosmith take
the stage one time. That would have been cool.
Yeah, I mean, I would like to see variety. Somebody
that's going out. Ozzy could have been there,
but they would not allow him because they're
too busy playing hip -hop. Well, you know...
Okay. You get Jennifer Lopez. You get all kinds
of people. Oh, that would be cool. No, Rush is.
No, I know they are. I know. They're doing their
tour with a chick drummer that's really good.
Yeah. So, you see what I mean? Yeah, I get what
you mean. Let's change it up. Let's change it
for everybody. Not just one group. And that's
all they're doing. That's all they've been doing.
Yeah. Yeah. I don't watch the halftime show.
Most of the times I just, like, leave. I go do
something else because I'm really not that up
on what's going on and the younger music and
all that, so I don't really care about it. But
I would just like to see more variety, and I
think it would make sense. But, you know what,
whatever. I'm probably not even going to watch
the Super Bowl this year. I don't care for either
team in the least. I wish I could both lose.
It would be great. What, a Super Bowl? Well,
no, a game this year. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, well,
you picked a good year. You took a good year.
And it's good to be too much bullshit. Interesting
side note, you know that Broncos were in the
championship game. And I think some people know
this, but I was talking to people at work. A
lot of people don't know what happened. Bo Nix,
you know, he shattered his ankle or something
like that on the final play of the divisional
game right before the championship game, so he
couldn't play in the championship game. He was
out for the season. Sean Payton's end -of -the
-year press conference, he mentioned... Someone
mentioned about, you know, Bo Nix's ankle. And
Sean Payton went into how many surgeries he had
in high school and college, I believe, on that
ankle. And he went on to say he was joking, but
I didn't see him laughing. He said if he would
have known that, he would have never drafted
him. So that's kind of, to me, kind of a questionable
statement, don't you think, Rob? Because he didn't
laugh or anything after that. But okay, let's
see. Let's say he was joking. Now let's get to
Bo Nix. Bo Nix called a conference. He didn't
have one scheduled. He called a conference the
next day. He got all the media together to speak
to them, and he had a rebuttal. He wasn't happy
about that, and I don't blame him. He said, you
know, my coach should not have been disclosing
information about my past surgeries when he doesn't
know anything about them. And that's significant.
That's HIPAA law stuff right there, right? You
know, you can't speak about someone's medical.
Yeah, and also Bo Nix is kind of like it. He
didn't know anyhow. Why he said that doesn't
make any sense. You know, he was pretty irritated,
obviously. That is something to watch right there
because I am in Bo Nix's side 100%. You don't
speak about other people's medical conditions
ever. You know, not like that, not in that. And
you don't broadcast it to the public, and especially
without their consent or their knowledge about
it, and they find it out through media or something.
I'm pretty sure he was pretty pissed. So we're
going to see what happens with that. But, you
know, Sean Payton is not looking very good over
there. A lot of people have been stepping out
and saying, you know, the guy's kind of an asshole.
We're going to see what happens there. I mean,
I know they like to win, but we'll see. You know,
sometimes you can asshole yourself right out
of the business. It's happened plenty of times.
Sean Payton was part of the New Orleans deal.
Yeah, yeah. Bounty Gate. He was head coach at
the time. Yeah, Bounty Gate. Yeah. That's where
your good old buddy Greg Williams. He's the one
that got it. He was defensive. Sean Payton had
to know something about it. It was talked about
back then. Of course he knew something about
it, yeah. Yeah, it was talked about back then.
Yeah, yeah. So, yep. Going to be interesting
to see what happens with that, and nor do I care.
I'm not a Broncos fan in the least, and it would
be fine with me if they imploded again. All right.
We're Chiefs fans. They're in our league. We
want them to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I want
to say we beat their ass two times a year for
infinity. So, all right. It is 935. You and I
both have employment that we have to reach tomorrow.
So, I think we're probably going to be able to
agree. That's what reminded me. Sorry. Hey, I'm
in the same boat. I'm not giggling and pointing.
I'm just saying. So, um, anyhow, uh, thank you
everybody for listening. I don't have an update
on Opal, but you know what? I mean, I don't think
I'm going to be getting regular updates cause
I think it is what it is. So, uh, anyhow, Jimmy,
hang in there. We love you. Um, we love you.
So, all right, everybody, thank you for listening.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.