Thank you. Welcome again. We're happy you chose
us. Come on in. Wash yourself off. Would you
enjoy a bourbon and coke? There's a liquor store
down the road. If you go, I need rolling papers.
Well, since you're here, let's get this daily
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swing your hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out
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Listener, promised to grab idle computers, work
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and other assorted phones and listening devices
and download the show from there. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, will download the show and constantly
barrage everyone with show name and platforms.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promised to wear a chicken
costume and scream the show's name from my front
yard. And finally, because of her 13 -year -old
boy humor, you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking
in Uranus, Missouri to take selfies with the
signs. If you go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory.
Yes, there's a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. We talk. You watch
the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have a
host of podcasts. Make sure and have plenty of
rope. Strong, threaded, durable rope with a rating
of 400 pounds or greater. You need to know basic
knots. So you can go to the library and download
the Boy Scouts handbook and have a reference
to slip knots and other essential rope tricks.
Rope can be used in traps to catch food or would
-be predators. Rope is a key ingredient in post
-apocalypse survival. Since the dawn of time,
weird shit has happened. Strange occurrences.
Unexplained phobias. and other odd happenings
over the next minute we would like to bring you
odd rare phobias and conditions kepler syndrome
or the delusion of doubles is a rare condition
where a person falsely believes a familiar individual
like a spouse or family member has been replaced
by an identical looking imposter or duplicate
as a type of delusional misidentification syndrome
often linked to underlying brain issues or psychiatric
conditions including schizophrenia dementia with
Lewy body, brain injury, or bipolar disorder,
resulting from a disconnect between face recognition
and emotional processing. Treatment focuses on
managing the underlying disorder with different
forms of therapy and addressing associated symptoms
like anxiety. The regular Joe Q public may believe
anything he hears and sees, but not here at Two
Douchebags Microphone. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we question everything. That's why
we have a little segment we'd like to call, I
Call Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
I am calling bullshit on all the part -time geopolitical
experts out there. Yeah, you. The person a year
ago that couldn't stop posting pictures of your
food at an eatery, or pictures of your dog, barking
at a garden gnome. So, you suddenly developed
into this, this all -knowing political expert
overnight. and can't wait to tell anyone glazing
by your post all about it. Just because you saw
an article on the internet and ran with it, without
vetting it whatsoever. I have zero respect for
someone who suddenly developed a conscience and
go face -first into things they have no idea
about, just because of a blurb on the net. At
least your foodie pics and you sitting under
a palm tree are somewhat entertaining. I can
also inform you that nobody has ever changed
their mind just because you said so. People like
you still fall for the yearly prank about Andy
Griffith dying when he's been dead for ten years
now. All you rubes and sheep that blindly follow
news sources without checking need to do us a
favor and never vote. Consider this a public
service announcement. You're welcome. Oh man,
what the fuck is this? Is this a new feature?
What's inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me.
Why do people say tuna fish sandwich when nobody
says chicken bird sandwich? And now we look in
on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Oh my, would you look at the Riley scattering?
It sure is brilliant tonight. First off, you're
on private property. Second... You're in my flower
garden. Third, if you're talking about the sunset,
yes, it is stunning. And finally, would you get
the hell off my property, you annoying fucking
bastard? Hey, everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm
going to give you some tips for life. When you
want to save a park bench, but you have to come
back to it, just carry one paint side, and bam,
you'll have the bench all year, so... Two douchebags
and microphone in an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you first world problems. I can't
believe the coffee grinder is broke at the big
box store. There's no way I can be expected to
grind my coffee beans every damn morning. Two
douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark, here in
the Kansas City vicinity at the Talk is Cheap
studio, and here comes my goat noises. And I
am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track, and also
home of Icomo Country Store, where you can buy
anything you want. including a selfie with this
Sinclair dinosaur in the Doug Boyer studio. All
right. Thank you, Robin. Yep, yep, I like that.
Topher and I did over four hours of programming
today from the city market. We feel really good
about it. We had a lot of stuff that we got to.
We had a lot of stuff prepared, and we're pretty
happy about it. And if you got some feedback,
it's 2douches at mail .com. Spell out the number
2. Evidently, some people had some issues with
that. Spell out the number 2. Everything is spelled
out. 2douches at mail .com. So don't put the
number in there like some people have been doing.
Let me get my ass chewed once they figured it
out. So next time say the number too. By the
way, I got to interject here. Yes. Sorry. No,
that's fine. You posted it on Facebook, but you
included me. Just so everybody knows, I was not
with them. Oh, shit. You know, I do that out
of courtesy now. You know what? I'm going to
stop doing that then. I didn't think about that.
Okay. No, no, it's cool. I just want everybody
to, well. I do that out of courtesy because it's
all of our shows. Some of my Facebook friends
actually listen. So, you know. Okay. Some of
them follow the Facebook page. Okay. Especially
my buddy Michael over on Sage Beach. You know
who you are. Thank you, Michael. Thanks for being
a loyal listener. We love you. And Rob is going
to give you $300. Wow. And Rob's going to give
you $300. Okay, that's cool. Very cool. And Rob
is going to give you $300 next time he sees you
for being such a loyal listener, Mike. Okay,
maybe not. All right. Okay, first off, it's been
a pretty good week for weeding out loudmouth
idiots. And I'll explain why. The people that
try to bait you into a political argument. It's
just going nuts right now, people doing this.
First off, how I feel is none of their fucking
business and never will be. Second off, I wouldn't
trust most of the people I'm talking about with
directions to the nearest Shell station, let
alone something as sacred as voting. I've even
had some extended family members do the same,
and it's really pissing me off. I don't owe anyone
an explanation about anything on how I feel,
and nor do I trust most people with it. Most
people use it as a reason to think something
of you or to try to change your mind, which I
am well into my 50s, and I know exactly how I
feel at this point, and there's nothing you're
going to pull out of a magical fucking hat and
change my mind. Rob, are you with me? Yeah. Yes.
We know. Yes. And we know how we feel. There
is nothing I have not uncovered so far. I'm pretty
sure of that. I have my feelings and I also know
what a fucking ruse a lot of the politics in
America is. Well, actually, anywhere in the world.
There is so much ruse and so much smoke and mirrors,
and a lot of these people are on the same fucking
side. They just claim that they're not. And then
this goes with how power protects power and how
I've been harping about this for a while now.
And it's like this, and I would bet any amount
of money. It's a gentleman's agreement. It's
like, okay, to get votes, to harvest votes, we
get it. Okay, expose us. But at the end of the
day, are you going to press charges? No. So,
okay, so nothing's going to be done about it?
No. But I'm going to expose you because I need
the votes. Okay, all right, and I'll do what
I can to hurt you. But at the end of the day,
they have the agreement. No one's going to prison.
No one's going to jail. Right, right. Yeah. So
it's pretty easy for them. And one person looks
like the hero, another person looks like the
heel, and it's a never -ending cycle that's never
going to end because there's too much money in
it. And then if you're on... Early down the ladder,
nobody hears from you again. That's right. Yeah,
that's right. And that's the way it happens.
You're right, Bob. Do your research. Just saying.
Yeah, and that's another thing, too. We could
go down a rabbit hole if you want to, Mark. No,
this is not the show for it, and we'll discuss
that later. I know, I know, I know. Listen, this
is not going to be just by itself. I've got an
I Call Bullshit that's going to be before this,
that everyone's going to hear. And it's about
this specific subject, and that's why I brought
it up on our intro. So, anyhow, the political
climate has reached a fever pitch, and I'm fucking
sick of it. That is why we all get to enjoy a
brand new I Call Bullshit. A lot of people have
earned it. So... So, all right, now I'm going
to get to the other stuff. That was my little,
hey, this is why you got the I call bullshit.
I think anyone with any type of brain at all
will understand what I'm talking about. I've
been through it. So, all right. Rob, I got another
Walmart story for you. I'm not sure what happened
to the other guy that I had trained not to fuck
with me anymore. You know, the one that I took
like an hour. Yeah, yeah. I took like an hour
trying to open up my email, which I purposely
kept putting in the wrong password and it was
driving him nuts. So I got the point across.
He said, I'm not going to bother you again. Sorry.
So they have a new guy there. He stops me and
he barely looked in my bags and scratched off
the receipt. So I turn around and I ask him,
I go, How many items did I have? He starts stumbling
and muttering. And then I ask him, why are you
wasting my time if you're not going to actually
check it? I go, I want you to clear me from not
being a criminal. Can you do that, please? He
looks funny. I go, yeah. I go, why did you stop
me and not do it? All you did was just scratch
off my fucking receipt. I said, you just wasted
my time is what you did. And he didn't know what
to say. So I think I won that one, too, because
I was exactly right. How would you like a cop
to stop you, right? And then just go, hey, I
got nothing. What do you mean you got nothing?
I'm glad I'm not getting a ticket, but why did
you stop me and waste my time? I don't know.
Just look like I'm doing my job. Yeah, I can
call it in and go, hey, I got someone stopped.
Found nothing on him. Sorry. Bye. You see, you
see. That's why I got out of the city. You don't
have that shit. You get out of the city. You
go to Walmart. Rob, I understand that, Rob. But,
you know, I cannot leave better. I need better
medical facilities. I have health issues, and
I need to be in the city. Right. And that's the
long and short of it. I cannot be down there.
That's just the way it is. Right. So, anyhow,
we'll move on. Yesterday was National Plan of
Vacation Day. And guess what I did? I planned
a vacation, though I'll have to cancel it most
likely. Val and I both have a surgery scheduled
this year. Do you and the missus have anything
planned this year? Well, yeah, we do have a float
trip that we're going to take with my family.
Cool. Actually, last year, last July, the last
week vacation, the last week of July on vacation,
and went on that first weekend on a float trip
with my family. Well, that's when me and Princess
were told about each other, and that's when we
started talking, and here we are. So we're going
to have another float trip, and this year she's
actually going to go on it. She had to work last
year. Oh, okay. So we actually would have met
in person that day. Are you the type of guy?
Oh, go ahead. I'm sorry. Go ahead. But honestly,
yes, I have a surgery in my future too. Oh, okay.
I didn't know that. It's a small surgery. No
big deal. Okay. I'm just going to be off work
for two, three weeks. okay i've got a hernia
surgery a hernia surgery coming up um and sometimes
it depends okay okay all right that's cool um
so But anyhow, you know, I'm going to have to
cancel it, I know, because, you know, we both
have medical stuff coming on, and I've got to
switch my doctors. I spoke about that, how it's
like a subscription service now. You have to
pay so much a month to be in it, but you get
better care. But, you know, with the surgery
coming up and all that, I had to quit them today,
which sucks, because I really like them. And
I had to find another one, but another doctor
you can't get in until almost June. So it really
kind of sucks. call my doctor back up and go
hey could you up all of my meds for three months
because that's how long it's going to take me
to get to a new doctor and they were they're
like yeah we can do that so it worked out but
um if you're looking at vacations i want you
to look at this and anyone else that's listening
to this ruby falls tennessee have you ever heard
of it i've heard of it yeah Okay, well, look
at the images, because I've heard of it, but
I never looked at the images. This is a huge
underground waterfall and park. It's close to
Chattanooga, and then you have the Smoky Mountains
up above. So I'm hoping we can figure this out.
You know, maybe we'll do like one less or two
less Eureka Springs trips this year and just
do a little bit longer one. I mean, we just really
can't leave the country because my mom's health.
And we also have some friends, their health isn't.
So there's a lot of reasons why we can't just
up and go like we normally do. Honestly, if me
and Princess get a chance, we want to venture
that way too. The Ruby Falls? Well, not so...
Or Chattanooga? Yeah, like Smokies, you know,
in that area. You know what, maybe we could coordinate
something. You know what, let's leave that for
later. You and I talking about it, not on here.
And yeah, I wouldn't mind doing that, especially
with some friends like you guys. That would be
pretty cool. Yeah, and you know, you guys could
take your vehicle. I could take the douchebag
mobile. We could advertise. That sounds great
to me. Yeah, hell yeah. And have a lot of Facebook
photos. Yeah, a lot of memories. A lot of memories.
We got a lot of listeners down there at the City
Market, Topher and I, just by word of mouth.
Everyone knows who we are. We're a staple down
there. We really got a good deal. We were talking
about it today off of the podcast. what do they
call it, the new bridge coming up that's going
to be a big entertainment area, the Rock Island
Bridge. And it's going to be really cool because
it's an old truss bridge, old railroad bridge,
one of the first ones in the area, the first
one in the area. And what they did was they built
it to where it could handle human traffic, you
know, walking. uh it's you know and they put
new trusses on it and redid the levees and all
that stuff but the thing is is this is going
to be all parkway and it's going to be bars restaurants
and scenic uh areas scenic parks and there's
going to be walkways from each side of the kansas
river not the missouri river the kansas river
where basically where it spills into the missouri
river where the kansas river ends and then the
missouri river you know it goes into the missouri
river so it's going to be really nice but we
already talked about we're like you know as cool
as that area is going to be to do a podcast from
We're probably not going to stray from the Sydney
market very much because of the clientele, if
you will, or whatever, the listenership, the
people. that listen to us there and know us.
And I mean, Carollo's has been a big part of
it, and so has City Market Coffee. They've been
two staples that have supported us from the day
we were there from day one. We have really good
friends in each one of those businesses, Nicole
and Franco, and the rest of the guys too. I just
don't happen to know the Carollos, the rest of
them. But Franco is a great guy, and he's been
on the podcast quite a bit. So we're probably
not going to be able to leave that area. And
we don't want to either. It's magical there.
But it's going to be interesting to see how this
other place is for a podcast. So I'm going to
move on from that. You know, Rob, before you
were married and still single, would it have
been nice just to receive a random sex call from
a chick? You know, you're just sitting there
and all of a sudden, hello? What you doing? Oh,
just sitting here. Oh, yeah. You know, and then
they go on with it. You know, you're like, oh,
okay, you got my interest. All right. Wouldn't
that have been cool, right? No, not married.
Not married. Not with your girl. Single. That's
what I'm saying. A short time ago, I have a good
memory. Okay, well, it would have been cool.
I'm going to go in. It may or may not have happened.
Just saying. Okay, well, you know. No, no, no,
just a call. Well, we didn't know this, but we
should have became librarians. Seems as though
perverts have found a newer niche for their jollies.
They call up librarians and attempt to naughty
talk them. There's some bored people out there,
Rob. So let me clue you in on what would -be
librarians in on something. It normally takes
a master's degree in library science to get this
gig. Okay, so check this out. I didn't know this
until I started reading this article about librarians
are getting sick of people calling up and, you
know, whatever, fucking rubbing and tugging or
whatever they're doing and trying to talk dirty
with them and, you know, it's getting... Yeah,
yeah, yeah. So librarians' medium income is roughly
$72 ,000 a year, but easily can jump up to $100
,000 with certain certifications. Imagine a $100
,000 a year job and all the dirty talk you can
handle. Is that not your dream job, Rob? hell
yeah let's become librarians we get 100 grand
a year and we have people calling us up going
well not guys i i mean we don't we don't go that
way nothing wrong with it whatever you know but
but yeah yeah yeah hetero only for us you know
it's just our preference so don't get mad at
us um you know so um yeah we never knew it rob
wouldn't you apply to yourself Okay, what's that?
There would have to be alcohol allowed. Oh, yeah.
I'd shut the library down. Let's say it's supposed
to be shut down at 5. I'd shut it down at 3 every
day and go, all right, everybody in. Everyone's
out is out. Bring out the alcohol. Start drinking.
Start taking phone calls. There we go. All right.
Come on. Bring them on in. All right. Line number
one. Okay. Oh, who is this? Jenny? All right.
Jenny, line number one. Who wants Jenny? You
want to talk about double shifts? You're working
late again, Mark. Yeah, sorry. I can't help it.
I mean, there are a lot of stuff to do. You know,
there are a lot of pages to be turned and what
have you. Sorry. Sorry, Francis. We had a lot
of people return books today. Yeah, yeah. I'm
going to be here for a couple hours. Sorry. So,
anyhow. Thank God she don't listen. She's like,
well, she don't want to listen. Yes, yes, yes,
yes. Yep, yep. And that's why we're allowed to
talk like this. If they did listen. Yes, they
know us. Yes. I love it. So, I have a public
service announcement for all our meth -using
listeners. Yes, sir. Muthersons, if your new
dealer has all his teeth, He's really a cop.
Yes. You're welcome. Yes. So there you go. It's
a well -known fact that the Golden Gate Bridge
has a high suicide rate, right? We all know this.
Yeah. The bridge was erected in 1933. Since then,
it has averaged around 30 suicides per year via
jumping into the ocean. And I guess that would
probably, except for the fact of suffocating
because your lungs are full of water, probably
one of the better ways to die, right? You know,
beautiful ocean, be a part of nature when you
die, I guess. You know, there's probably a lot
of appeals to people that have that type of a
mindset. You know, they don't want to be here
anymore. And they're like, yeah, there's a great
way to end it. Let's see. It was erected in 1933.
Like I said, it averages 30 suicides. The last
two years, the bridge has averaged only one per
year. The powers that be over in San Francisco
finally installed a six -foot -high barrier to
slow down or stop the jumpers. Which is cool,
right? Okay, you know, a lot of those people
probably came to their senses in a couple of
days and were like, oh my God, I'm so glad that
barrier was there. You know, I want to be here.
You know, I just found out I'm going to have
a grandkid or something like that, right? So
they're probably happy. They're like, okay, thank
God they had that barrier. My question is this,
Rob. The answer was simple enough. Why wasn't
it done earlier? How come it took them since
1933? 30 suicides roughly a year. How come it
took them until 2024 to actually build this barrier?
Do you want my honest opinion on this? Yes, I
do. That's why I'm asking. Because back in the
day, society would allow people like that to
weed themselves out. That is a very good answer.
I think I believe that. I think that's true.
Yes. No, you're right. Everybody tries to protect...
Yeah, I understand. You've got to watch out after
people like that. I'm human. I have feelings,
too. Yeah, yes. It was viewed as a man's right
to his opinion on what he needs to do with his
life. I agree. I agree. And if the guy was so
dismal that he felt like that's the only thing
he could do, they accepted it better. They're
like, okay, Mr. Jones is not fucking happy, and
he doesn't want to be here, and he says he's
going to end himself, and okay, all right, we
respect that. And I'm talking back in the 50s,
60s, 70s. Yes. Years ago. And it wasn't so prevalent.
It wasn't so prevalent back then either. Not
like it is now. Today's society, fast moving,
disappointments, failures, kicks in the face.
And now everybody's feelings are taken into consideration.
Yes, and the feelings is one of the worst things
that ever happened to America, in my opinion.
Once you start getting these feelings involved,
all rational common sense goes away. Been proven.
Been proven. So I was thinking maybe the mayors
over there that have been there over the years,
maybe that was their way of self -assisted suicide.
They weren't that worried about it. They're like,
you know, we don't necessarily care if someone,
you know, kills themselves, if that's what they
want to do. Maybe they felt like, but they'll
never say it is, is let them if that's what they
want to do. And then because of all the outrage
of people jumping in. They had to do something,
and they had to put a show, so they did that
six -foot barrier. That's exactly what it was.
Yes. Yep. Yeah, I thought that was pretty interesting,
that story. I've got another story here. There's
a new form of hearing aid, Rob, and I'm going
to check into this because... I need a different
type of hearing aid. I need something that works
better with me because I have tinnitus, and I
don't need something that's going to amplify
the ringing, but it's going to amplify the people
talking. You see what I mean? Right, right. No,
I know exactly what you're talking about. I've
done some research on that. Okay. Yes. Okay,
I'm glad you did because I don't have to explain
it. Not for me, for somebody else. Okay. So it's
a very distinct ringing that you don't like.
It's annoying as fuck. About all you can do is
do diversions, you know, like other noises, white
noise, static, whatever suits you. You can do
that at night to hide it. During the day, I don't
notice it, background noises, unless I realize,
I go, okay, I know it's there and I listen. I'm
like, okay, there it is. Okay. It's kind of a
weird deal. Anyhow, there's a new form of hearing
aid. This is part of the bone conducting experiments,
if I could talk right. The hearing aid works
through bone vibrations, Rob. Isn't that interesting?
Actually, I take that bike in one of the articles
I read. Okay, it probably was. Go ahead, go ahead.
No, go ahead. Okay, the hearing aid works through
bone vibrations. This device is just being introduced
to the United Kingdom. It is not yet available
in the United States. It is a bone conducting
device which does not require an operation. It
goes into an ITM, which is an abbreviation for
in the mouth, and BTE, or behind the ear. Either
one works. You can put it in your mouth. The
device is just being introduced in the UK, like
I said. And what it is is it's a clip that will
either clip onto your teeth or clip onto the
back of your ear on wherever you decide suits
you best. But the thing is is it's much better
because it becomes basically a part of your body
by coming through with your bone vibrations.
Yes, yes. I find this fascinating because of
the string theory. The string theory by Dr. Michio
Kaku or Kako or something like that is really
interesting. Everything is done by vibration
strands. Is that where the people got this idea
from? I don't know. I find it fascinating that
this is done with vibrations like trees have
been proven to communicate with each other in
forests. It's through vibrations. So now they're
introducing this to people, right? And it seems
to be working. Yeah. So if everything isn't part
of everything, I don't know what is. I call it
God. Anyone else can call it whatever. But I
find this experiment and what's coming up extremely
fascinating. Very cool. So, um, I've got more,
but Rob, you have some stuff you definitely want
to talk about. So let's go to that. Yes, I do.
All right. Um, okay. Well, normally this, during
this time, I do like of the Ozark news and we
love it, which I'm going to get to, this is going
to be a two part. Okay. So I, Tonight's version
is going to be called Life on 54 Highway. I love
that title. Love that title. Okay, this morning.
And this happened on 54 Highway. I live here
in Wheatland. I drive to Campton. 45 minutes?
40 minutes. Okay. So, I stopped at Casey's to
grab my two Loka Moka monsters. Get a rev start.
Yep. Because, you know, it was in the teens this
morning. Yeah, yeah, it was. It was quite chilly.
Yeah, yeah. So, I ran to Casey's. Well, I get
back in the truck. I pull out. And right behind
Casey's is the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway
that I drive by twice a day. Uh -huh. At least.
But anyway, I get going past there. And water.
Yeah, and water track. Yeah, thank you. Thank
you. All right. Well, right there at their gate.
The speed limit picks up to 60. Well, there was
nobody around. I'm running 60, 65, you know.
I'd only been awake for over an hour. And it's
only a three -mile stretch between Wheatland
and the town of Hermitage. Okay. down this valley
you go you go around a couple it's like an S
curve but they're wide curves with a stretch
in between you know and then you come around
them and then there's another couple S curves
stretching you know in between and up this hill
and hermitage three mile stretch okay Coming
out of that first set of S -curves, I see this
car coming up behind me. And there had been nobody
behind me. So the guy had to be flying. Trust
me, he was. And I'm going to get into that. Okay.
Yeah. We touched on it before we went on the
air. That's why I told you save it for now, but
you were going to anyhow, so it didn't matter.
Yes, because now I'm getting my feelings in it.
All right. Just put it this way. This guy did
not know when he woke up this morning that he
would be known around the world. I don't know
who he was. So, and I'm still around 60, 65.
You know, speed limit's 60. Mm -hmm. Everybody
runs 60, 65 through there. Uh -huh. And then
once you get on the other side of Hermann, it's
a different story. You run 65, 70. Mm -hmm. All
the way over to Mass Creek. Anyway, where I get
into that other stretch, and I come around to...
The first corner of the second set. Well, by
the time I got to the bottom of that hill, this
dude was literally on my tailgate. No, Mark.
I'm not kidding you. We're going up this hill
60 mile an hour. And this guy's... was about
a foot and a half behind the douchebag mobile's
back bumper. Oh, boy. It was that close. Oh,
that would have fucking pissed me off. I could
see it in the side mirror. I could see his light,
and that's how I could tell. I could see the
taillight of the truck. He was that fucking close.
And his headlight was right there. Ooh. Mm -hmm.
Oh, okay. I couldn't even tell you back there.
Because this is at 635 this morning. Okay? Well,
we get up the hill. We get into Hermitage. And
the speed limit down to 45. I'm doing 45. Peaking
50. And this dude is running up on me. Yeah,
so you're going to let him around. Uh -huh. Okay.
Yeah. That was my plan this whole time. Okay.
Well, we're like a block and a half. A block
and a half from Five Star, okay? Okay. We're
coming around another curve right before you
get to Five Star. And there's like this little
hill. I look in my room here. And this dude is
just as close again. I mean, this is going through.
It's actually for a small town of like two. I
forget to get the population. It's only like
200 or 300 or so. that close again. And by that
time I was done for. You know me. I was done.
The old me kicked in. I was like, I'm a five
star. Well, I was watching in my mirror. Like
I said, all I had, the only headlight I could
see was on the driver's side. He was way too
fucking close. Yeah, I mean, I couldn't even
see the passenger side, so he was over towards
the line. I couldn't even see his passenger side.
Like, well, he backed off a little bit. Fuck
him, I brake checked him right there. Okay. 6
.35 in the morning. Nobody else around. Uh -huh.
I'm figuring this dude's in a hurry, you know.
So that's what I was trying to do. Trying to
hurry up and get to Five Star and get out of
his way. That's why I was running 50. Yeah. Yeah,
this is all 50 mile an hour, Mark. And actually,
it started about 65 mile an hour. Wow. As soon
as I brake checked him, he backed off, come flying
around me. And at this point, 54 Highway is too
late. Mm -hmm. Double yellow line. Uh -huh. On
a hill, on a curve. Oh, what a dumbass. No, he
gets in front of me and this motherfucker stops.
What the fuck? Dead stop in the middle. 54 Highway.
Ooh. He rolls down his window and flips me the
bird. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Okay.
Uh -huh. He's lucky it was about 10 degrees.
Mm -hmm. And I'm older, not who I used to be.
Gotcha. That's what I said. Gotcha. Yeah. Well.
Yeah, that standoff. And I'm watching in my rear
view. I'm waiting for it. Because, dude, somebody
coming at 45 miles an hour around that curve
could cream me in the ass. You know what I mean?
Yes. Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, so I wait.
I'm watching. I'm watching both. I'm watching
him. I'm watching Val. Well, all of a sudden,
he lets off his brake. like he's going to go.
So I let off my brake and my truck starts rolling.
Well, he slams on his brake again, sticks his
hand out the fucking window and starts flipping
me and the bird again. Jesus. Gosh. Fuck. What
a psychopath. Dude. And at this point, I'm thinking,
well, no, at that point, I'm thinking, Yeah,
yep. Because, yeah, I'd been out of that truck,
had him out of that motherfucking car. Yeah,
you'd be facing charges because you beat that
fucker. It was a black 2000 -ish, 2010 -ish Toyota
Corolla. Or, no, it was a Toyota. Anyone in a
Toyota has no business fucking with a truck.
Sorry, that's just the way it is. In a car, a
Toyota car. I also have 240 pounds worth of sack
cream in the back, too. Oh, yeah, that's right.
That would slow him down a little bit. But anyway,
he finally takes off, and I don't see him again.
And I'm thinking, this dude's an idiot. Yeah.
What is wrong with people? And, you know, like
I said, at first, I'm thinking, okay, this guy's
in a big hurt. You know, it could be medical.
I don't know. He's driving like a... That's what
I would have thought, too. I didn't have that
chance. I would have done the same thing, Rob.
I would have been like, this guy's having a problem.
Fuck you. Now you're famous for being an asshole.
Yeah, what a dickhead. Not an asshole. Yeah,
yeah, not a good asshole. An asshole asshole.
I don't know what the fuck you are. You're just
a piece of shit. Yeah. I was trying to get a
bit of a doubt, thinking he's in a hurry. Dude,
he's got some middle of the fucking highway.
You can't be in that big of a fucking hurry to
stop in the middle of the highway and flip somebody
off. No. Twice. I agree. Man, what a dickhead.
Jeez. Yeah, I told you. Wow. Okay, and now we're
going to go into the second part of this, which
is a very more serious one. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I know about this part. Yeah, yeah, you
do. And this is 54 Highway News. I'm excited
about this segment. I'm really excited about
that segment. I love that, 54 Highway News. Yeah.
police officer Felicia Carson Memorial Bridge.
Carson, 33, was killed in the line of duty on
August 31st, 2024 while pursuing a driver on
Highway 54 near Passover Road. The crash actually
happened on a highway outside of Lake Creek.
But anyway, she got in pursuit. the side of the
road struck a tree and caught fire. On Friday,
friends, family members, and community members
attended, yeah, this was last Friday, attended
an official ribbon -cutting ceremony for the
bridge. Governor Mike Kehoe spoke about the impact
of renaming will have on Carson's family, including
her husband. Man, what a tragedy. What a tragedy.
Just because some fucking piece of shit decided
they're going to, in our opinion, decided they're
going to run. That person, in my opinion, should
be thrown in jail the rest of their life. Sorry,
you end someone's life like that. I wish he would
have got 50 ,000 years. Whenever you have something
like this that's a tribute, it's sad when the
family members see the sign. But at some point
in time, pride will take over the sadness. Because
you have come to realize memorializing and remembering
and honoring a hero that truly served not only
the state of Missouri, but this community. And
that ends up being a good thing. Exactly. Perfect.
Yes. points of Osage Beach she spent her career
providing the passage for the citizens of Osage
Beach and by naming this bridge in her honor
we encourage every person who crosses over it
to remember her courage that it takes to strive
and the price sometimes our law enforcement officers
give to their community the legislation to rename
the bridge, was sponsored by State Representative
Jeff Brunetti of Camden. Very good. Good job,
State Representative Jeff Brunetti. Great job.
Mike Kehoe, great job. All of you guys. Very
deserving for a very nice young lady that lost
her job protecting us. Or not her job, her life.
Sorry. Yeah, it sucks. Like I said, left behind
a husband, five young children. Officer Carson,
she was very well known in the community. Well,
she's on TV. She was on TV until that happened,
and they showed the episode where that happened,
too. Yeah, and you're seeing what kind of person
she was. Very, very sweet lady. She was like
that in real life. Oh, you can tell. You could
tell. You could tell. Very soft -spoken, very
gentle, very kind, but could get the job done
if she needed. If you get out of line, she's
going to whip your ass. Yes, and she did not
deserve that fate at all because somebody was
being an idiot. Yeah, so, all right, let's jam.
Yeah, she was just a typical woman. Yes. Yep.
So anyhow. But anyway. Yeah. All right. We're
real late for the first break. No, no, no, no
big, you know, shock there. So anyhow, I just
want to get on a different tempo now. I think,
yeah, I think it was fitting that they named
that bridge. Because like they, like they said,
she, Osage Beach goes on both sides and she patrol
both. That was her community. That's, that was
her life. Thank you to everyone involved in that.
Thank you to everyone involved. All right, let's
take our first break, and we've got some emails,
Rob. Yeah, we are going to go. We are, but that's
all right. We got some pretty good emails again.
My theory is this right here. During the wintertime
when it's cold, people have nothing else to do.
During the summertime, you don't get nearly as
many emails. I remember us scratching for anything
during the summer going, gosh, man, these emails
are thin. Now we're getting all kinds of them,
and I've got to sort through a bunch of them
just to edit them enough to where we're not taking
up three hours doing the emails. So thank you,
everybody, for the emails. Also, we're doing
a little more too. Well, you know what? Yeah.
I mean, over a million downloads. And I think
Topher has figured out a way to capture that
so we can show it to people. Yes. We want to
show you that we're not bullshitting. We're not
lying. That we have over a million downloads.
Well over a million now. And we're very proud
of that for a small podcast that happens in two
small home studios that are about two and a half
hours away with no advertisements. Very proud
of it. So we will be right back. Hey, peeps,
it's time for the police blotter. That's right.
Stories about stupid criminals and the dumb assness
that ensued. Let us begin now. An Ohio man was
arrested after authorities said he mistakenly
sent a baggie of crystal meth. through a tube
at a bank drive -thru last week. Jason G. Smith,
46, was cuffed on December 3. After a swift investigation
in to an unexpected deposit, he made at the bank
in Woodsfield, Ohio, according to a press release
from Monroe County Sheriff's Office. Smith drove
away from the bank without realizing his mistake.
An employee reported the baggie he left. He was
picked up on a drug charge soon after. Next up,
things overheard in hell. Man, Axl Rose is such
a great childhood therapist. I hope he writes
more books. People often ask, how do we cram
so much money into one little show? Well, it's
simple. We buy funny in bulk on the internet.
Hey, Mark, you're wanted at the front door. There's
a big bag of funny they need you to sign for.
Okay, thanks a lot. I'll be right there. I'm
still sorting out the funny we got from yesterday.
There's your answer. We buy funny in bulk on
the internet. Hey, you yankers. We often think
many things are just true because we've heard
it our whole lives. That's why here at Two Douchebags
and Microphone, we developed the segment, Not
True. We investigate and uncover the real truth
of what happened. We've heard for years that
Einstein was so intelligent he could not figure
out how to tie his shoe. The fact is, he disliked
wearing socks. He would put socks over his shoes
to avoid tying them. He believed tying shoelaces
was an incredible waste of time. So were Crocs
when Einstein needed them. I just applied for
a job down at the diner. I told him I really
bring a lot to the table. Hello, this is Phineas
J. Altaris III. I'm here to deliver your music
news this evening. We have some sad news for
everybody. Bob Weir, the co -founder and guitarist
for The Grateful Dead, has passed away at the
age of 78. Bob, we hope you're grateful, because
you're definitely dead. Rest in peace, Mr. Weir.
This is Phineas J. Baltar S. III. That has been
your music news for this evening. I have one
burning question for you all. Do people really
skip around the Maypole? Hey, dickhead. No one
gives an ounce of shit what you had for breakfast.
Not even the person on the other end. You look
like a mentally slow driv yelling into thin air
all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts out and blows up your eardrums. What men
consider self -centered dunce. Mommy constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look
back home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the theming because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. This is Joshua
Belmont, your food for thought man on The Hustle.
So I just realized a genius that gets absolutely
no credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He's
credited with the first bag of salad mix that
was bagged and sold. Yesterday was his birthday.
I believe he is still alive. This guy's genius
will never be fully appreciated. Before this
man, we settled for iceberg lettuce with maybe
a couple of croutons and some cheese. Was Mr.
Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no. He realized
that Billy Americana would never go out and buy
a couple of radishes, a couple of carrots, a
head of purple cabbage, maybe snow peas, and
possibly some cute romaine bladders for extra
bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have a national
holiday. Have you ever wondered what something
is about? Have you ever looked at something and
said, hey, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you The
Origin Of. The origin of the goatee. The goatee
is a beard style that dates back to ancient Greece
and Rome, and is named for its resemblance to
a goat's beard. The goatee has been worn by many
famous men throughout history, including Uncle
Sam, Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock. The gobham
was often depicted with a goatee, and in medieval
and renaissance art, Satan was depicted with
a goatee as well. The goatee became popular again
in the 1940s. as the defining trait of the beatniks
and jazz musicians. It fell out of favor again
in the 1960s, but became fashionable again in
the 1990s and 2000s. The term goatee originated
in the late 20th century. It was originally called
a goatee. City area at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri. home of
the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and water
track, and also home of Hickam Oak Country Store,
where you can find all your needs, including
a selfie with the Sinclair dinosaur in the Doug
Black studio. Thank you, Rob. I need a drink
after that. You know, that's why I went ahead
and dropped all near the banks of the... beautiful
Blue River and the Missouri and all that stuff.
Yeah, but you're loving me doing it. I know,
you're doing it also. I love doing it. So I'm
just going, hey, I'm Mark here talking to Cheap
Studio. Hey, I've got to make Wheatlands like
it. What is it, 377? Not that big. I'll get it
off the population sign. Okay, that sounds good.
This town's got to have some. These are things
that are here, including our beat bar. And Hickamos.
Definitely Hickamos. Yeah, and of course the
Speedway. Alright, we got some emails. Hey guys,
was just wanting to touch base with you all.
You know that we are still listening in Springfield,
Missouri at All Star Body Shop on Sunshine Expressway.
Are you, Topher, and Rob ever going to do another
show together, Richard and Springfield? Now,
they've been around a long time, if you remember.
This is the body shop in Springfield. Yeah, they
have that. And what they're referring to, I'm
pretty sure, is when you used to call in. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, we'll do another one. We just got
to all line up. Yeah, I would love that. I think
that would be a great podcast right there. And
it'll happen. We just don't know when. We've
got to get it to where we can all line up. And
when we do, I have nothing against that. Do you?
No, I don't. And by the way, guys, for everybody
in Springfield, I have cousins that work at Merrill's
Steel Company there in Springfield. Okay. All
right. Actually, one of my cousins, they built
Mr. The roller coaster, Six Flags. Oh, wow. No
kidding. And it wasn't Merrill's. Yeah, it wasn't
Merrill's the name now. It wasn't Merrill's at
the time. I think it was Acme. Mm -hmm. But one
of my cousins actually did some welding on Mr.
Breeze in the shop. Oh, wow. Yeah, so. Okay.
Yeah, and that's a big company down there, so.
Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I'm right here in Wheatland,
guys. I'm closer to you now. There you go. Only
an hour away. Oh, this next one. I forgot about
this. Okay. Mark, remember when you took that
Pepsi out of our unnamed friend's home and doctored
it up with tobacco spit and red pepper? You drilled
a hole in the bottom. It took us three hours
to fill it with that nasty concoction. his mom
drank a swig of it or so later uh this is like
a week later we put the pepsi back in the fridge
and hid it in the back and uh why does that sound
familiar yeah and i think you know who i think
i know hang on hang on let me let me pause this
okay okay so now you know uh who it is but i
think was there yeah yeah we put tobacco spit
and red pepper in it and i drilled a hole in
the bottom and like i said it took us three like
this guy said um well it's mitch so anyhow well
he's actually yes yes instead of being mad at
me over that one incident i think he's starting
to make peace with it so anyhow I mean, I don't
think he ever was that mad at me. I think he's
just screwing with me. If you really hated me,
you wouldn't have had anything to do with the
podcast. So, anyhow. So, it took us three hours.
We didn't think we were going to get it done,
but it took forever to make that thing feel like
it was full. And it's hard. Whenever you drill
a hole, you can't have too big of a hole in the
bottom of the can. They'll notice. And then we
filled it with hot glue to where it would seal.
And so, we were all over there sitting down,
if I remember correctly, watching TV where a
board is like a, I don't know, like a Tuesday
night or something. shit and you know we're all
just sitting there bullshit and you know some
people are getting stoned some people are having
a beer you know because that was like a party
house there and it was it was in belvedere at
the time that's where they lived and so his mom
got up to get a pepsi she goes i'm thirsty i'm
gonna get pepsi anybody want one and nobody else
wanted one and she goes over there and she sits
down with her pepsi she opens it up and i distinctly
did not hear any fizz i'm like huh that's weird
oh shit oh shit Oh, shit. I didn't plan on her
getting it. I planned on her son getting it.
And if you remember correctly, she had some type
of epilepsy. Yeah. Yeah. And she drank this and
took a big swig of it and vomited all over the
floor and started shaking. I thought that we
put her in an epilepsy. yeah we're all going
oh my god what we do we killed her we killed
her so we call an ambulance over there but all
she was was just really shook up oh that's right
we all kind of looked at each other like oh shit
not now we weren't supposed to be here and it
wasn't supposed to be her But the ambulance came
over and she got up and she was so mad. She wanted
to kill somebody. And we're all like, who would
do that? And we're all like looking at each other
like, don't fucking say a word. She will fucking
kill us. You know, I mean, she was mad mad, which
I don't blame her. I would have been too. But
she was not in an epileptic seizure like we thought.
Thank God. um so anyhow we we didn't know supposedly
didn't know who did it we're gonna go uh look
for the real the real criminal or the real trickster
or whatever and of course we never found them
because we knew they were and we didn't want
them to know So, yeah, they called an ambulance,
like Mitch said here, if I remember correctly.
Yeah, they did, but they didn't take her, and
she was okay. Just shook up, which understandably
so. And anyhow, he signed this Mitch in Wheatland,
Missouri. I don't think he's there. I think he's
just clowning, but I don't know with Mitch. He's
supposed to be moving to where? North Dakota
or something, or Wyoming, or I don't know. I
think it's North Dakota, possibly. If you come
to Wheatland, look me up, dude. Come on, Mitchell.
We love you. I'll take you to the crappie hole
for dinner. Is that a place? No, actually, no.
It's over in Carson's Corner, outside Hermitage.
Yeah, where all the stuff went down. No, it's
a great restaurant, bar. Yeah, they got great
food. Cool. There you go, Mitch. Take advantage
of it. If you come down, I'll take you to Crappie
Hole. And if you don't feel like driving back,
there's a nice little hotel right around the
corner I'll hook you up with. Yeah. There you
go, Mitch. There you go. All right. Thanks for
writing, Mitch. And, yeah, I do remember that.
And, yeah, Rob remembers that. And, yeah, it
was funny. But it was very tense at the time.
It was funny, but it was kind of scary at the
same time. Very scary. Especially when you think
you killed somebody's mom accidentally. Yeah.
Especially that person. Yes. Yes. All right.
Mark, your favorite meal of all time. Rob, your
favorite meal of all time. Ross in Texas. Thank
you, Ross. Go ahead, Rob. I'm mulling this. Okay,
mine has got to be my birthday dinner. Okay.
That's a great meal. Either way, on the cob,
off the cob, don't matter. Whatever. All right,
I like it on the cob. And then you can use it
to wipe with afterwards. That's my birthday meal.
It's once a year. Okay. Of course, it's my favorite.
Mine, I'm going to have to say, is a really good
lemony chicken parm from someone that knows how
to make it right. A linguine pasta. on a bed
of linguine pasta, on oil, olive oil, and butter,
and maybe some broccoli florets, and a nice,
really good garden salad with a homemade Italian
dressing on it, like Garozzo's makes, or Anthony's,
or one of the places in town. Love them both,
Cascone's even. Yeah, so. I'm going to, that's
what I'm going with, a really good chicken parm.
There's a lot of places that do a really good
chicken parm. And there's ones that are head
and tails above everybody. Anthony's and Ermilio's
in Eureka Springs does really good chicken parm.
Garozo's does. So, yeah. But there's a certain
way they make it with a lemony sauce. It's just
so good. And you can't find it everywhere. And
not a lot of places do it over linguine. with
the olive oil and the butter. So, all right.
Thank you, Rob. And thank you, Ross. Thanks for
writing in again. We love you. Keep them coming.
Yes, thank you, Ross. Mark, I sent you a sound
file attached to the email. I have some special
effects sounds I think you can use on your show.
I listen every time you drop a new show. Wendell.
in north carolina uh yeah wendell those are cool
i like the really uh the really spooky one that
you sent with the synth uh the synthesizers that
are kind of airish go away and come back um that
particular i think it's track number three that
you sent me i love it and i'm going to use all
of them but the number three was just phenomenal
whatever you did on that it was perfect for what
i like thank you uh wendell in north carolina
Actually, I have a niece in North Carolina. Okay.
I'm looking her up on Facebook. It doesn't say
where. Spartanburg. Spartanburg. Okay. Yeah.
Very cool. Well, actually, Chesney. Her kids
go to Chesney Elementary. Well, one of her kids.
Okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. Thank you. All right.
Next one. You guys have the worst podcast I've
ever listened to. Cassie in Burlington, Vermont.
So? And why bother email us? We go over this
all the time. Yeah. But I include some of them
because I always state we love hate emails. If
you hate us that bad, too. They go to the front.
Yeah. Yep, so Cassie, thank you. We're glad you
hate us. All right, sports question alert. What
do you all think about the Steelers hiring Mike
McCarthy? As a lifelong Steeler fan, I'm not
happy. Tommy in Pittsburgh. Actually, we did
this on the sports bastards today. Their records
are remarkably similar. Wins, losses. Super Bowl
wins, playoff wins. They are so close that, I
mean, you're essentially pretty much getting
the same head coach. Look it up if you don't
believe me, Tommy. Although I could see where
they would have problems with you. Yeah, I do
too. But, you know, I could see that. Yep. No,
I agree. I agree with you. I have not, yeah.
You haven't even put some questions out yet.
Yeah. No, I haven't. I haven't had a chance to
listen, but, you know, I agree with you. Yeah,
it's on the one that I'm going to be posting.
The records are pretty much the same, so what
are you losing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him a
chance. Give him a chance. The word is, we went
into it a little bit today, Aaron Rodgers is
going to play another year because he loves working
with Mike McCarthy. They won a Super Bowl in
Green Bay. Right. So, yeah. So, that's probably
another thing, too. Yeah. So, anyhow, I'm good
with it. Whatever. Tommy, I hope you guys do
well. Mark, do you fart and blame it on your
dog, Terry Donalds in Shreveport? Yes, of course.
Everybody does. Who don't? You know, and actually,
it's kind of reversed on me. My dog farts all
over me, and I get the blame. Yeah. You ever
have that happen? Okay, that's cool. Yeah, no,
I've gotten the blame before. We have three dogs
that fed with us at night, so yeah. Okay. I get
away with anything I want. Damn dog. And like
I said, it reverses sometimes. I'll blame it
on the dog, yeah, and get away with it because
they can't go, hey, asshole, I didn't do that.
You did. But also, They'll fart, and it will
look like I did it. It smells so bad. Right,
exactly. They know how to pay us back. Yes, they
do, and they've got me back numerous times. Okay,
Mark, do you plan on doing a show from inside
the Crescent in a room? I hope so. Jennifer Helene,
Texas. Yes, I do plan on doing that, but it's
not going to be anytime soon. Probably later
in the year. And it'll definitely be in the summer
because I want to not only do it in the room,
but I also want to do it from one of the balcony
rooms and see what I can capture and see what
we can come up with. So, yeah, we did one from
the outside. Didn't really get anything. So we
want to go inside and try it. So, yes, we're
definitely going to do that. Also, at the same
time, let's off the air, let's you and me talk
about the Alps. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, that'll
work. Okay. We'll talk about that. Okay. Let's
go ahead and take our second break really quick.
Then we're going to come back with your stuff
because I've got to correct something on what's
going on with my computer here, okay? Yeah, we're
getting kind of late. Yeah, we are. We'll be
right back. We appreciate you taking the time
to listen and share your opinion. Our podcast
isn't meant to appeal to everyone, and that's
okay. We focus on honest conversation, humor,
and perspective, even when it's rough around
the edges. Constructive criticism is always welcome,
but dismissing something just because it isn't
your style doesn't really reflect. It's value
to the people who do enjoy it. We're proud of
what we're building. And we'll keep refining
it as we go. Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob.
I'm going to give you some tips for life. This
is Uncle Rob's rules to dick pics. Rule number
one. Type of a pic in someone else's name. So
if you get busted, it's not yours. Rule number
two. Shoot angles complementary to your length
and girth. Rule number four, no propping of the
leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very important.
And now we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Why, excuse me, my dear chap.
Could you please pass the sodium chloride? Do
you mean the salt? Why, yes. Yes, I do. They
just say the sultry dumb motherfucker. Hey, my
fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash Riptide
with your music news. Glenn Hughes, the legendary
bassist, lead singer of many, many great bands,
such as Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, Black Country
Communion, California Breed, and so on and so
on. He had a U .S. tour planned for this April.
Glenn unfortunately had to cancel due to what's
been described as a minor medical issue. I already
had seats for legendary rocker Knuckleheads,
but like most times, I try to see him, and it
gets canceled. Glenn, I love you, but no more.
Third time getting jerked is enough. We do wish
you a full and speedy recovery, and hopefully
a full and speedy recovery of my fucking money.
Again, sorry, not sorry. This is Gash Riptide.
And that was your music news. If it's too loud,
you probably have ear damage, just like me. Strange,
but true. In a remote area of the Amazon rainforest,
a small parasitic catfish is reported to swim
and keep the urethas of those who are mating
in the Amazon River. Also called the vampire
fish, it follows a urine stream, lodges itself
in the agaritha, expands its fins to stay in
place, and consumes tissue until hemorrhaging
kills the host. The reports date back to the
19th century. The first documented removal from
the human occurred in 1997. Once again, it's
time for Ramblings of a Madman. I believe. Congress
needs to synchronize tap dance for 20 minutes
before each session. That needs to happen. And
now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. So, if I have a
glass of ice water, and the ice melts into the
water, is my water then watered down? I may never
know. Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
You're as useful as a colon with us. Two douchebags
and microphone. This is Mark here in the Kansas
City area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I
am Rob in Wheeler, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track, and also
home of Hickam Oak Country Store, where you can
find all your needs, including a selfie with
a green St. Clair dinosaur in the duck blotch.
Awesome. All right, Rob, you got a bag of garbage,
baby? No, you don't realize how much air it takes
to get that out. No, I can hear you puffing on
it. I mean, it's got to be. And I'm puffing on
a cigarette. Hell yeah. Yep, there you go. You
got to have it. All right, that works. Hey, I
told you I'd be there. All right. Yep. Yes, it
is time once again. Okay. News break. We got
a news break. Okay. I don't know where this got
in from, but this is urgent. Okay. Police break
up. Loud party. Arrived to find man hosting big
birthday celebration. Rescue chicken with 60
guests. Please go on. No, seriously. No, this
is just a... It actually shows a picture of a
house in the subdivision. And they have portable
canopies out in front with balloons. And there
is tons of people in front. And on this canopy
it says, This chicken must be pretty popular.
You would not find this many people at a five
-year -old human's birthday party. I'm telling
you, it looks like a Fourth of July celebration.
That's fucking funny. Cool. Look, I'm all for
a chicken celebration. That's fine with me. Okay.
Princess has me watching Facebook Reels. Okay.
And right now, I will go into one of the guys
I've been watching, which you can find him on
Facebook. You can find him on YouTube. He is
also a traveling comedian. Okay. No, go ahead.
Okay. Okay. Grayson Magaia. Mm -hmm. Yeah, I
think that's how you pronounce it. Okay. Well.
And that's how he comes across. He gives advice
on how to deal with feral women like his wife.
It's funny as shit, dude, but I'll tell you what,
he's on it. And like I said, he's a traveler
for me. I would love to go see him. I'm going
to find him. I'm going to go see him. Very cool.
Sounds good. That came up with this. And these
are, yeah, I mean, these are honest to goodness
rules. There's no ha -ha's about this. This is
true. Okay, that's pretty cool to hear. Marry
your best friend, not your fantasy. Yep. Yep.
I was lucky to have them both rolled up in one.
Val's been saying this ever since I've been with
Val she's been saying this whether it's me or
somebody else she says I don't always have to
be right it doesn't bother me and I love that
it's true it's like okay yeah and Princess is
the same way it sounds like they're quite a bit
alike in a lot of ways when we talk I know I'm
scared yeah yeah I know maybe we maybe we need
to abort that and not do it no I'm joking no
we gotta Yeah, we do. Okay. Next. Talk about
the heart attacks before they become explosions.
Yep. Oh, so true. So true. Okay. Next. Work with
each other even after years. Yep. Keep that love
alive, guys. Yeah. That's a great way to do it.
Don't expect him to read your mind. Speak clearly.
Princess is on me about that all the time. Well,
guys tend to sometimes just keep it in themselves
and just shut up and go, yeah, I could bring
it up, but I don't want to cause a bunch of...
It's best just to bring it up. Yeah, and they're
right. It's best just to bring it up and get
it over with. So, yeah. Next. Protect your marriage
from outsiders, even family. Yes. Oh, my God.
Especially family. Especially family. Especially.
Yep. I agree. Next, grow individually and stay
together. Yep. Yep. You've got to grow individually,
but you've got to stay together. You've got to
do your own thing within the compound of your
thing, of both of your things. Oh, go ahead.
Okay. It is a definite give and take, but you
have to kind of learn the boundaries of the system
before you can get it to going right. But once
you learn the boundaries, you're fine. It's like,
all right, I don't want to do this because this
will not be good. I do want to do this because
this would be good. I mean, it's just something
that you learn as you go along. And you work
together on it. Yeah. Yeah. So if something's
bothering you, like you're saying, just come
out and say it and go, listen, I don't mean any
offense at all, but this really bothers me. And
I'm wondering if you could change it, please.
And most people that are rational are like, okay,
you know what? I didn't realize it bothered you
that bad. I'm sorry. It's going to stop. You
know, God has to have the talk to God. Hey, I
think we need to do this. Yeah. And they say,
uh, Yeah, and then you're like, ah. And that
brings something to your, you know, something
you didn't think about in your calculations,
you know. True. Good point, Ray. I get it. I
get it. And like I said, I have something I'm
going to say because there's one more here. Okay.
And then there's something I'm going to say.
And lastly, love is not always a feeling. I think
I know what it's saying, but I'm not for sure.
Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yes. Love is a fear. Everybody
knows that. Mm -hmm. But sometimes, if you love
someone, you have to choose to stay to work things
out. Oh, okay. That's the way I'm taking that.
You know what? I think you're right, Rob. I really
do. You can't let the little stuff bother you.
You have to stay. You have to stick it out. You
have to work on it. If I have little things that
bother me, I can reflect on little things that
I know bothers her. So it's a wash. We all have
stuff that other people don't like. To me, one
of my pet peeves is the Bluetooth idiot that
goes around screaming in fucking midair. I even
did a bit on it. And including everyone in what
they fucking ate for dinner that you don't give
one ounce of shit about. But you're subject to
have to listen to it because they chose to have
this conversation as loud as they can in front
of everybody. I ask other people, like, oh, I
don't care. It doesn't bother me. You know? So
it's like that. Things that bother other people
don't necessarily bother us all the time. You
know? I mean, so. Right. Sometimes you've got
to let things go. Yes, you've got to learn these
things. I think that's all I'd say. And I agree
with it. I think you're right. And with that
being said, there is one thing. Okay, my parents,
growing up, they always told me that marriage
is 50 -50. Yes. 100%. I met Princess and we agreed
to get married and we talked about it. And she
changed my way of thinking on this, Mark. And
I think it'll change your way of thinking on
it too. Marriage is not 50 -50. Marriage is actually
100 -100. Yes. You've got to be putting in 100%.
And I get what she says. I get it, and I'll tell
you what. We are doing great. I can tell by how
you talk and the tone. To me, 50 -50 is a metaphor.
And what they mean is you put in as much as the
other person does. That's what they mean. But
yeah, it is 100 -100. I also get what Francis
is saying. Yeah, yeah, and I agree with that.
Yeah. We are doing great by that. Uh -huh. So.
Very cool. Well, I like that. Tonight's Rob's
bag of garbage. Thank you, Rob. You know, that
wasn't so much garbage. How about an article
and then a Jeffy X list right behind it? Do you
have time for that? Sounds good. Okay. All right.
I don't know. Okay, and then after that, we'll
call it good. All right. This person here that
wrote this article, she said, I snort all of
my food from omelets to steak. It feels phenomenal,
even though I'm at risk of infections. You wouldn't
believe it till you saw it. The Virginia millennial
blends her food and snorts it through a straw.
She showed off this freaky feeding frenzy on
Wednesday's season seven of TLC's My Strange
Addiction. She went on to say my relationship
with food was very normal up until the point
where I was in community college, Catherine explained.
It started, honestly, with a dare to try snorting
a flavored fruit drink, she continued. I got
a head rush, but it was actually fruitier than
if I was to have it through my mouth, and it
was phenomenal. Since then, I've been having
my entire diet nasally for about five years now.
That means she's sniffing blended omelets with
spinach and mushrooms, liquefied spinach and
steak. coffee and even spicy guacamole katherine
confessed that she has an aversion to the weird
textures that come with food she claims that
her curiosity her curious culinary conduct helps
her avoid overeating and choking declaring that
it really has no drawbacks unfortunately for
katherine this putrid uh proclivity is off -putting
to her friends family members and potential uh
paramours and you know what i agree with that
i could go in more with that but i'm gonna go
into jeffy's last here in a minute but um okay
yeah could you imagine in a restaurant and she
wants her stuff blended and then she snorts it
or you're just at home and she does that would
that not be nasty yeah that would be weird yeah
i would not i'd be like i'm sorry uh um what
the hell was her name shit well you know what
i don't even give a shit her oh catherine okay
um i'd be i'd be like catherine I can't sit here
and watch you do that, so we'll get back together
after lunch. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Starting food,
yeah. But now, watching our buddy Big Lee start
comment one night, that was exciting. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I forgot all about
that. Yeah, that was it, my old apartment. Okay,
yeah, and I wonder whatever happened to him.
No last names. Oh, no, no, no. I still talk to
him to this day, dude. You do? How's he doing?
He's doing good. He's doing good. Good. He turned
his life around. He's doing real good. He's still
taking care of Mom. Oh, I didn't know he was.
Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, he's taking care of Mom.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's good. Yeah, no, he's
doing really good. They actually live between
me and you. Oh, okay. That's all I'm going to
say. Okay, yeah, I've always liked Lee. I've
never been like best friends with him, but I've
known him through other people for a long time,
and I've always liked him. I never held anything
against him because I was a culprit of a lot
of bullshit, too. Yeah, well, no, I'm saying
he's toast, so he don't do nothing. That's good
to hear. I'm glad he's straightened out. He lost
a ton of weight. I knew that. Is he still skinny?
Yeah, he's still, yeah, he's still, yeah, he's
gotten in shape. He's still good. Yeah, he really
changed things around. God bless him. I actually
seen him not too long back. Oh, okay, cool. All
right, well, I have a list, Jeffy X list, that
was inspired by this lady snorting all her food.
So Jeffy X, you know, is our sleuth, our man
about town that goes around and covers these...
different products that didn't go through and
different little experiments and stuff like that.
He's a wanted man. These corporations don't like
him giving away their top secrets, so they tried
to catch him, capture him, and probably murder
him, but he keeps getting away. Rob loves the
guy so much that he actually made some presents
for him, and I love him too. And did he come
by Christmas to get his Sgt. Pepper's outfits?
Yes, he did. Okay, good, good. Good. Well, Rob,
me? Actually, I had a meeting with Luke at the
Speedway because he, yeah, he, I live a block
and a half from there. He couldn't find a fucking
house. So I met him at the Speedway. You know,
that's Jeffy. He's got a lot on his mind. He's
always catching stuff and all that. So, well,
and you knitted him a pair of Jeffy X underwear,
embroider. You're an expert embroider. And you
can even embroider with your toes, which is really
good. But you prefer to do that in your loincloth,
which sometimes they have to blurb it out if
it's on, you know, if it's pictures or on video.
They have to pixelate down there because, you
know, your legs are spread with your toes embroidering,
so it doesn't always work out. Yeah, you've got
to blurb something. It's a little drafty. It
gets a little drafty, doesn't it? Especially
up here in the studio. Oh, yeah, yeah, you can't
really embroider with your feet up there in a
loincloth. So, anyhow, Rob embroidered him Jeffy
X underwear, which has a Stephen Piercy pouch,
which you put in there. Stephen Piercy, allegedly,
in the old glam band Rat, used to have a pouch
sewn into the inside of his spandex. And supposedly
he could put a couple socks in there and look
a little bit better to some females and maybe
some gay males. Okay. And you did that for him.
You made him a flying bat suit. And also you
made him a Sgt. Pepper's outfit, which he loves
because he's a huge Beatles fan, but he would
never take it off. So you had to make him seven,
one for each day of the week because he wore
that so much. And me, I'm a simple guy. $2 ,500
to either spend on his mom or hookers and blow,
and I don't know which he did, and I don't want
to know. Jeffy, I have yet to hear from you.
I haven't either, but he's still alive. I pray
to God you're changing them suits once a day.
I hope so, too. He emailed this list to me, and
he said, got to go. So he was on the run still.
And I gave him the name of a damn good dry cloth.
all right there you go jeffy x use it it's our
it's our family dry cleaner i mean come on jeffy
x you need to use it all right well here is a
list here's a list of products that they tried
to parade They tried to blend, but it didn't
work for, well, actually for snorting purposes.
They tried to do this because this lady's snorting
everything. They thought that they could cop
onto a market, and these are these different
products, thought they could cop onto this new
snorting market, but it didn't work. And the
first one that didn't work for snorting purposes
were Pixie Stix. Oh, those hurt. Yeah, they would
burn. As much fun as they are in your mouth,
they're not as fun in your nose, right? I was
a kid. Yep, yep, yep. Me too. That's how we know.
The second one that people turn down after they
try to make it into a snorting deal is ketchup.
Yeah, yeah. I can see that. I can see that. Oh,
I love ketchup, though. I mean, could you eat
a hot dog early and then snort the ketchup? No,
I don't think I could snort ketchup because it'd
make me think I had a bloody nose. Yeah, that's
true. Okay. Well, here's what I was thinking
is, you eat the... You look up in a mirror later,
oh, shit! Yeah. True. You could eat a hot dog
and then snort your ketchup and have it catch
up with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm just
going to do it the regular way. Sorry. The next
one is yeast. Yeah, they kept bloating really
bad, so they decided. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yep. The
next one is instant coffee or whole bean, but
boofing this is okay. You can boof coffee, and
you can also boof whole bean coffee. And boofing,
if you don't know what it is, Google it. All
I can say is it's an alternative to sticking
it up your nose, and Stevie Nicks was very famous
for doing it. Yeah, it's got to go in one end
or the other, right? So it's not your nose or
your mouth or any orifice up there, so it's got
to be an orifice somewhere down below. So you
draw your own conclusion. That's what Boofine
is. The next one is Rotel Dip. Didn't work. And
I think it's because of the chunks, don't you?
I mean, I guess they could have paraded it, but
it doesn't say if they did or not. So Rotel Dip
went by the wayside. People didn't like it. Jell
-O? Probably, yes. It would burn, you're right.
How about Jell -O? I have nothing against Jell
-O. I think I'd be fun to boof. Or not boof,
but... No, I don't want to boof anything. Except
ibuprofen. We're not boofing. You were talking
about snorting. Snorting. I know. I accidentally
said boofing. No, no, no. You do not want to
snort Jell -O. That shit would get lodged up
in there. Oh, yeah. Because it's gelatin. It
would stick. It would be... Yeah, you're right.
You're right. You're right. Oh, yeah, you're
right. Okay, Rob, I stand corrected. Thank you.
The next one I agree with 100%. That's Sticky
Rice. That's pretty agreed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pretty universal there. Yeah, anything solid.
I agree. The next one that they wanted to make
it snortable, but it didn't work, was Pop Rocks.
Yeah, yeah. Now, I know a few people I'd like
to watch try that. Yeah, me too. Just saying.
That's all right, me too. As soon as you said
that, a couple of faces came up in my brain.
Yeah. Yeah, gotcha. The next one is black or
cayenne pepper. I think that's pretty obvious.
Sneezing or burning, neither one you don't want,
right? Yeah, cayenne pepper would eat a good
hole in them. Yeah, they didn't clear it out.
Yeah, the cayenne would work well. Oh, actually,
even black pepper, because you'd sneeze so much,
you'd get it out of you anyhow. So, yeah. And
then finally, goofballs. That would be a little
hard to snort. I guess you could blend it up,
but yeah. I don't think, yeah, no. Nope, I think
I agree with that. So that's the end of Jeffy
X's list. I sent him an email. He has yet to
reply, so we hope he's okay. I hope he is. With
that, it's 20 till 10, so I think we probably
both ought to be getting the hell off of here,
right? Yeah, we should. We both have to be up
early, so there you go. Anyhow, thank you, everybody,
for listening. Grandma Opal is hanging in there.
That's all we can ask for. Good. You're still
my first grandma. Jimmy, I know you're busy.
Thank you for giving me an update here and there.
Really, really appreciate it. We know you're
very worried about your grandmother. I haven't
told anybody this, but his grandmother is essentially
his mother. She raised him. Honestly, over a
period of time, we have talked about that. I'm
trying to gather that. Yeah, yeah. And, of course,
he's very distraught about it, and I understand.
And we're here for you, Jimmy. Yeah, Jimmy, you
need anything, of course you got it. We love
you, man. Reach out, reach out. Dodge City, Kansas,
we love you guys. Jimmy, we love you. We love
Grandma Opal. Hang in there. And who was the
other one? Ricky, was that it? Yeah, Ricky. Yeah,
Ricky, too. Yeah, I don't like it. Yeah, I don't
like it. And he's not actually from Dodge City.
Ricky isn't. He's from outside Dodge City, but
he counts himself as Dodge City. Oh, okay. But
good enough. So, anyhow. Hi, Ricky. Yeah, hi,
Ricky. Thank you for hanging in there, too. Grandma
Opal, we're glad you're still around. We hope
you get better. It probably won't happen. Hey,
special shout -out to Roseanne. You can do that.
She still hates me, I've been told. I will. Okay.
Shout out to Ruthann. Just keep my mouth shut.
Very cool. Thank you. Okay. Yeah, she likes you.
She does not like me. That's my fan. I know,
I know. You can have her. That's fine. She'll
never like me, ever. So that's fine. Anyhow,
everybody, thank you for listening. Good night,
assholes. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks
like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.