Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
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Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Hey, peeps, it's time for the
police blotter. That's right. Stories about stupid
criminals and the dumb assness that ensued. Let
us begin now. An Ohio man was arrested after
authorities said he mistakenly sent a baggie
of crystal meth through a tube at a bank drive
-thru last week. Jason G. Smith, 46, was cuffed
on December 3. After a swift investigation in
to an unexpected deposit, he made at the bank
in Woodsfield, Ohio, according to a press release
from Monroe County Sheriff's Office. Smith drove
away from the bank without realizing his mistake.
An employee reported the baggie he left. He was
picked up on a drug charge soon after. Hey, all
you ginger snaps. It's time for the douchebag
question of the week. Turn all answers into two
douches at mail .com. Spell out the number two.
Send in your replies or Rob will find you. He
is waiting for the word. Don't be bashful. You'll
get yourself hurt. The question of the week is,
are superstitions a must in your day -to -day
life? For instance, you're on your way to work
and a black cat runs in front of your car. Do
you split down a side road or do a U -turn to
void the bad luck? Email us at twodouchesatmail
.com. That's the number two spelled out, kids.
So don't fuck it up. Here we go. Signs that you
might be a pussy. Signs that you might be a pussy.
If you've ever had Phil Collins or Oingo Boingo
posters on your wall... If you've ever raised
your coffee mug or tea glass with your pinky
extended. If you often lotion up your hands with
no apparent reason. If you like poached eggs.
If you sing along to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Or if you have ever wore a pair of Crocs, even
just trying them out. You are a pussy. You watch
the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have the
post -apocalypse. Remember, post -apocalypse
to have a sewage bit. Sewage untreated can result
in serious illness and other obstacles for your
family to live well. You also should have some
chemicals stocked up. maybe bags of chlorine
or something of such, to sanitize the sewage
per week. Two douchebags, a microphone, and an
effort to keep everything fresh. We offer you
first world problems. What the hell? Bridge construction?
Shit. I cannot believe they have to repair this
bridge after 50 years. Man, what am I going to
do now? I can't wake up ten minutes earlier just
to get to work. This is complete bullshit. I'm
gonna write my congressman. Your mama's so fat,
Dracula bit her neck. And got diabetes. Hey,
good kid. No one gives an ounce of shit what
you had for breakfast. Not even the person on
the other end. You look like a mentally slow
driv yelling into thin air all through the store.
I pray that Bluetooth shorts you out and blows
up your eardrums. What men consider self -centered
dunce. Monty constantly coddled this dummy and
it fucking shows. Go look back home and bore
your dog. Wait, you probably forgot the theming
because you're too busy looking in the mirror
all day. Fuck off. Good evening. This is Two
Deuce Bags and Microphone. We are a podcast.
I am Mark, and I am the Kansas City end of this
podcast at what I call the Talk is Cheap studio,
and I also like to make goat noises after I introduce
myself, which would be like this. And I am Rob
in Wheeler, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track. I hear you
need butt plugs there. Is this true? Okay, those
I have not found, but you know, they have things
that might work. Okay. Go to the plumbing section,
they might work. You can go to the wine section
and take a cork. Wouldn't that be a butt plug?
Yeah. All right. Okay. I don't know if they have
butt plugs. I kind of doubt it. But anyhow. You'll
find something. I guarantee it. Yes. Yeah. Cool
store. All right. They are that good. They are
that good. Miniature buckies is what they are.
All right. And, oh, yeah, yeah. Try the burritos,
but make sure that it's a nice, sunny. warm day.
That way you can have the windows down on your
ride home. You're going to want it. And the queso
sauce. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to put the queso
sauce on there. I did not know about the queso.
Yeah, you ask them for queso and they'll automatically
just dump a bunch of it on top. Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's that southern hospitality there. They
don't fuck around. They're like, oh, you want
queso? I'll give you queso. Yeah, yeah. How about
300 pounds of queso? Does that sound good? Yes.
I'll tell you what. It does. It makes it so much
better. Oh, queso makes everything better. Oh,
my God. You could put queso on about anything.
I mean, let me think. You could put queso on
fucking vanilla wafers, and it would be great.
Now, there is one thing that queso would not
fix for me. What's that? Okay, that's one. No,
no, no. Me, any type of seafood or fish would
not make it better. Okay, okay, okay. Well, I
don't like it anyhow, so. Hey, Al, Rob, it looks
like winter is finally caught up with us. I told
everybody not to get so cocky, and they did,
and now look at it. Have you seen your forecast?
Yeah, I've seen the forecast. Ours isn't quite
so bad. They're saying 4 to 6 inches of snow,
but I read where Shell Knob might get 10 to 20
inches of snow. That would be Table Rock Lake
area. Right. Well, my boss came up to me today,
and I've done some research. They're calling
6 to 8 for us. Okay. Okay, I'm not sure a friend
that lives down that area is the one that told
us. Well, in some of the models. Okay, okay.
So, but it's more or less, we're probably going
to be like six to eight. Okay, and we're supposed
to be four to six, so we'll see. Yeah, you know
what? The thing about snowstorms is, as soon
as they're done, you'll know how much you got,
and not a minute until then. is there some hills
and shit and here in Montlac we had an overnight
early morning snow and it was There you go. And
also neutral. Sacrete and neutral. And I have
the fiberglass tonal cover. Oh, yep. So all winter
long, I'll be able to use that sacrete next spring.
You are a smart man indeed. Yes. And also fine
neutral. These are sandbags. Because I was going
to get sandbags. Well, you also need... You need
to place those over your axle. You know this,
Rob, but I'm telling someone that doesn't. Place
them over your back axle. Over your back axle,
yes. Yes. You want that traction to go straight
down on the axle to give you more friction from
the tires to the road. That's the whole thing.
And also, always find neutral. If you start to
slip, throw it in neutral real quick. It will
quit pulling, and usually it will straighten
up. And if it doesn't, usually you can skid into
the steer and come back out. It's hard to do,
but once you've driven on this shit a certain
amount of time, it becomes natural. And now whenever
I start to slip, I just sit neutral and not even
think about it. Back in the 80s, growing up,
we went out and played. That's how we learned
how to drive it. Yeah, we had bold tires and
an old fucking Dodge Dart. I got a story for
you, Rob. You know Daisy Walnut Apartments out
there on Blue Ridge Boulevard near Grandview
or in Grandview? I was dropping off Jason. You
know Jason. I don't want to say his last name.
The stoner Jason. I remember him. Yeah, he lived
over there at the time. And I was dropping him
off. And before that, we saw these huge mounds
of snow. It was dead of winter. And I'm like,
I go, dude, you think I could make it through
one of those? He was stoned off his ass. And
I don't know. I probably would. I don't know.
You know, who knows? I might have been. So he's
like. Yeah, I think you can. So I take, I put
that motherfucker. I think it's my old Dodge
Dart, or it could have been the Pinto. I don't
think it's a Pinto. I probably would have fucking
blew up. But anyhow, I'm fucking flying through
this one. Great. I go, I knew I could do it.
Then I go to another one. I fly halfway through
it, and bam! Knocked the shit out of us. There's
a light pole in the middle there that we didn't
see. They... They stacked the snow up so high,
okay, and I couldn't see above that. And, you
know, there's snow blowing and everything. So
we thought it was just a large snow mound like
the other one that we blew through. So I'm like,
he, he, he, watch this. He's like, oh, yeah,
yeah, do it, dude. And we get halfway through,
and, I mean, I don't know how fast I was going,
but we hit that thing and bounced back, and it
fucked up my car. Both of us were hurting afterwards.
Talk about screwing up. I mean, that was stupid.
Have you ever done that? Were you with me the
night I was over by Boss Mike? I'll leave it
at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By his house? Mm -hmm.
I think I do remember a little bit about that.
I think, I think I was with you. Yeah. Yeah,
I think, I think maybe you, I think we were coming,
I think it was after work. I think so, yeah.
We went over, we went over Mike's and we were
heading home and it snowed and guys slid in a
parked car and we just fucking took off. Oh,
yeah. But that was, Yeah, I think I remember
that, and I think I did the exact same thing
a couple of weeks later. Yeah, I do think so.
And I think you were with me, and we looked at
each other and said, again? Yeah, I think we
did. Yeah. Yeah, you were? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck.
And you and I look at each other and go, yeah,
okay, again. Here we go again. Here we go again.
Don't say that, and I won't. Yeah, and we didn't.
We went on. Until now. Yeah, until now. And you
know what the good thing is? Even if the statute
of limitations is not off, they don't know where
we did it at and what. So, you know, hey, I think
that's good. So the forecasters are calling for
snow here Friday and Saturday. And like always,
when the word snow pops up, all of KC is in a
panic. You have that scared gazelle look that's
running from a lion. But wait, there's more.
Sub -zero temperatures to boot. Yay. So I have
a challenge, Rob. All the pajama -wearing youngsters,
you know, they wear their PJs out in this bitter
cold, and I will have a huge respect for them.
But if they don't, then I do not. If they really
mean what they do in this casual look that they
love so much, I dare you to wear those flimsy
fucking things in that 30 below weather that
we're going to have. And if you do that, I will
salute you. I guarantee you, you run into them
in the store, you rip them down, there's another
pair underneath. Yeah, yeah, you know what, you're
right. Maybe three layers. You know what? Maybe
three layers. They probably have long johns underneath
or something, and it'll look like they're wearing
their PJs, but actually they have long johns
underneath. You're right. So earlier today, I
was in Pigwich when I saw the Coke dispenser
repair guy's tools on the table next to me. And
in this little bag of tools, he had a hand drill.
So someone appeared to have had a little giggle
on the contractor. On his handheld drill was
a tomato complete with a dab of mayo. I sat over
there giggling going, someone fucked with him.
So he was like in the bathroom or something.
He comes back. I received my cornflake chicken
sandwich, which is fucking phenomenal. It was
not you. It was not me, but the cornflake chicken
sandwich is so good. It's deep fried chicken
sandwich made out of cornflakes, smashed cornflakes.
Oh, it's so good. And it's really juicy. It's
good. And it's made out of dark meat, which is
really good. Oh, I love dark meat. Oh, it's so
good. And so I unwrapped the sandwich, and normally
it has two slices of tomato, but this time they
only had one. So the fountain dispenser guy,
he came back, and he looked at his drill and
then shot me a dirty look. And the problem is
I couldn't defend myself because I would have
looked guilty. I could have said, yeah, I noticed
over there that you had a tomato and mayo on
your drill. You're going to think I did it, but
I didn't. You would think I did it, right? You'd
be like, oh, fuck you. Now you're just having
fun. You know, you're just rubbing it in. So
I had to sit there and I did what any other rational
thing would do is I grabbed my sandwich. I smiled.
wished him a good day, walked off, and went and
ate it up at the City Market Coffee with a Cubano.
There you go. Yeah, so. So I'm going to go on
to something completely different here, Rob.
A new study revealed that one reason podcasts
are so popular is that 90 % of younger people
running errands in a car will actually stay in
their car driving around extra just to have alone
time. And of that 90%, 57 % of them listen to
podcasts while driving alone. Yeah, I do that
with music a lot. You know, I take the long way
home. I always have. Yeah, me too. Always? Well,
back in the day, when I listened to radio stations,
which actually I've been listening to 93 .5.
You know, I've been listening to radio more,
too. I was listening to 101 the Fox on the way
home, and they were playing some pretty good
stuff. And I kind of miss the live DJs, local
and all that. Yeah, I could get 101, too, also.
Oh, yeah, yeah. The tower's out of Harrisonville,
Missouri, so it's quite a bit closer to you than
like the rock that's in Leavenworth. Oh, no,
no, no. I pick it up on TuneIn. Oh, okay. That's
a great way to get it, yeah. And actually, I
can pick up 93 .5 all the way from here to there
because it's out of Osake Beach. I work in Canton.
Oh, okay. That's good. Oh, that's cool. But I
still kick it off my tune here and run it through
my radio, my stereo. Because it sounds better.
Yeah, yeah. It's much clearer, no static. You
know, you've got your areas. Well, you get in
the hills and even FM doesn't work that well.
Like Eureka Springs, they have a couple of good
stations there. I spoke about one of them last
summer. But they have some really good stations
there. But the problem is it dips in the valleys.
You just can't get very good signal. So I found
their online outlet. I only have one spot between
here and there where I lose service. And it's
only for about maybe five seconds. Oh, yeah,
you got Verizon. Yep, you got Verizon. Yep. So
yesterday on the way home, it was April Wine's
greatest hits. Yes. You talk about some cool
shit. Man, April Wine. They will never get the
credit they deserve. Yeah. Just FYI, me and Princess
have already penciled it in. We're going to sit
down tomorrow night and buy our tickets. Okay.
Yeah. Okay. Okay. You know, I get old. Got to
jump in the studio, so. Okay. All right. I found
a really nice plasma cutter on Marketplace. I'm
trying to get a hold of the guy to possibly buy
it. I'd love to have a secondary hobby, like
making creations out of old metal barn siding.
I first got this idea. There's this guy selling
artistic signs he made with... with a plasma
cutter and old metal buildings like old barns.
And it was at the World Market in Nashville.
And I took a bunch of pictures to where I can
kind of get the whole idea of the framework of
what I want to do. So the guy took the old metal
siding and cut them into different designs. All
was original. I think I might buy the plasma
cutter on eBay. We'll see. But if I do, I'll
send you a picture of it and everything because
I know that you know a lot about plasma cutters
like I do. And the thing I want to know is if
it's like a welder and you have to have that
heavier current to make it work better. Yeah,
yeah. And is it 220 or 240 or 120? Um... Because
I know some of them... Oh, I'm thinking ours
is 120. Okay. All right. Okay. Even 240 I could
do. But if it goes up into the fours, you know,
the really heavy -duty ones, I can't do that.
Yeah, yeah. That's bigger than home use. Yeah.
Okay. All right. But that works good on 120,
then? No, I... Yeah, yeah. It's a good little
plasma cutter. The blue box that rocks is what
they call that, Miller. Yeah, it's a good little
plasma cutter. We use it for a lot of things.
Also like Lincolns. Lincolns are really good
too. Lincolns and Millers. Millers you can get
the smaller compact ones. I've used their plasma
cutters. I've used their welders. Their welders
are good too. I like both of them. I think I
like Miller a little bit better. They're more
portable. They make them smaller. Lincolns are
into the really big ones that are hard to transport.
All right. So I'm going to go on from that. So
I'll let you know as it progresses. We'll see.
So Coca -Cola has new Crocs out. More than $70
for just a mere $70. You too can look like a
complete dumb shit. Just letting you know. I'm
waiting on the Coke butt plugs myself. That should
make great... Honestly, I know somebody that
will probably buy it. Of the Crocs? The Coke
Crocs? Yep. I wish they'd make regular... He
calls himself Coke Man. I don't know if that's
a pretty good moniker to go by or not, but okay.
Well, you've got to know him. Okay, then maybe
it is well earned. Okay, so $70, you look like
a complete dumb shit as well. I'm waiting on
the butt plugs, like I said. But, you know, that
would make great stocking stuffers or even be
purchased for birthday gifts. A little Coca -Cola
butt plug, right? All right. And you know what?
I made a thing of, oh, no, I made a little conscious
thing earlier. I was going to say the word butt
plug probably ten times on this program just
to do it. I think I'm at six. You're close. I'm
close. All right, well, a Missouri man is accused
of running an elaborate scheme involving unsuspecting
car buyers on Facebook Marketplace. Mamadou,
I'm not kidding you, that's his name, or Mamadou,
I would say it's Mamadou, Diallo, 24, now faces
14 felony charges after allegedly defrauding
at least eight victims out of more than $24 ,000,
Jackson County Prosecutor Melissa Johnson announced
Tuesday. Court records show that Diallo is charged
with six counts of first -degree tampering with
a motor vehicle and eight counts of forgery.
If convicted on all counts, Diallo could face
up to 98 years in prison. Between May and June
2025, the Kansas City Police Department said
it received eight stolen vehicle reports that
followed a similar pattern. In each case, investigators
indicated that victims purchased a vehicle through
Facebook Marketplace from a seller using an online
alias that seller was later identified as Diallo.
After completing the sales in person, police
noted that Diallo provided what appeared to be
legitimate titles and bills to sell. Shortly
after the transaction, law enforcement officials
said each buyer reported their newly purchased
vehicle as stolen. So you see what he did here,
Rob? Do you see what he did? I don't know exactly
what he did. He would sell them the car, then
he would sneak back around the same day and steal
the fucking thing back and sell it again. What
a dick. Oh, damn it. Okay. Well, sorry. Didn't
mean to steal it from you. No, you're good, dude.
You're good. Yeah. That story had to get out
there. It didn't matter whether it was you or
me. One of us had to do that one. Yeah, yeah.
That one cracked me up so bad. I was like, that's
going to be front page. Oh, by the way, the guy,
I forgot your name, that keeps fucking bothering
me about more police blotter stuff, I got five
more. Five more new police blotters, okay? So
please, back up. You're going to hear at least
one of them on this show right here, if not two.
All right? I'm glad you love them, but leave
me the hell alone. I have other things. I've
got a police update myself. So there you go.
You're going to get a three or two for one or
something. So whatever your name is, back up.
So, all right. We love talking about stupid criminals.
We do it all the time. And I don't know why the
blotter section is just, like, so fascinating.
You know what? No, no. I'm going to stop right
there. Thank you. Actually, I like listening
to that kind of stuff, too. Okay. I really do.
Well, I appreciate your interest, and you're
a little pushy, but not being a dick. So thank
you, whoever you are. Please keep listening.
Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Thank you. We'll do our
best to get more out there. Yeah, yeah. Well,
I got five more, but I have like 30 in the back
burner. I just don't have time. Well, you know
that, Rob. I mean, you know, right now. Oh, yeah,
I know all that time. I'm refinishing the floors.
I'm painting the house. I mean, I've got, like
I said, I've got a 20 -year project here. So,
you know. Oh, me too. Me too. But you know what?
I could pay someone to do it. Oh, that's cool.
Yeah. Very cool. It's right here in our driveway,
so that's a good thing. I'll have to go forward
and work on it. Okay. And finally, I got another
little story here. Okay. Rams players put a bizarre
food in their socks to keep warm, but does it
actually work? Below freezing temperatures and
blustery winds aren't pleasant for anyone. But
they were especially brutal for the LA Rams,
who are accustomed to warm and sunny weather.
In case anyone didn't know, the temperature is
like 8 degrees when they played the Bears in
Chicago. And they're from Los Angeles. It's no
surprise that some team players turned to an
unusual and spicy tactic to stay warm during
Sunday's frigid overtime playoff game against
the Bears in Chicago. The hot trick up their
sleeves? They put cayenne pepper in their socks.
Rams nose tackle Piona Ford showed off his yellow
and orange tinted sock after the game and assured
that it helps. The unconventional method seems
to give the Rams an extra kick as they won their
thriller on a 42 -yard field goal by kicker Harrison
Mevis. But what is the science behind it? Cayenne
does pack a beneficial punch beyond just warding
off a modern -day cold. The spicy pepper has
been shown to improve circulation and blood flow
throughout the body. This is thanks to a compound
called caposan, which is what gives the red pepper
its signature spicy, moderately hot flavor. And
I can tell you this. For a while, I went out
with a massage therapist a long time ago, and
she used to put cayenne pepper in her oil. And
she swore by it and I could tell a difference.
And she said it gets your blood to flowing and
moving better and all that. And she was the first
person I ever see do that. But now it's a lot
more common. But I could tell a difference because
when she didn't put it in, I didn't get nearly
the same effect. So I do know that it works.
And this is just, you know, getting a massage.
And real quick, speaking of massages, I'm telling
you what, man, I'm getting so tired of business
in America anymore. This is just a personal thing
I'm adding on here. I'm sorry, but it's fucking
irritating. Okay, I told everybody a few podcasts
ago how my doctor is going to a more private
practice, and her and some other doctors are
getting together and decided instead of 3 ,000
office visits a year, they're going to only do
like 500 patients, a much smaller scale. Okay,
but the catch is you have to pay $2 ,400 per
year. So I get regular massages. I have arthritis.
And I had a very hard, very physical job for
years. And it's taken its toll. You know, look,
it paid well. I got to see all parts of the country
and everything. It was good. But it took its
toll on me because I'm putting in heavy glass.
Okay, so up and down stairs, balconies, all that
cool shit. So anyhow, I took and got a MedFlex
card. and i was like you know what i'm doing
this all wrong i can get this not taxed by doing
a med flex card and paying for my massages with
my med flex card okay all right no problem great
okay so all sudden the uh uh the massage place
calls back uh today hey uh we got a problem with
your med flex card okay what is it well it won't
go through okay well let me let me check on that
so I call up the people responsible for the card.
And they said, yeah, they said, you need a letter
of medical necessity, which I'd forgotten because
I'd done it before with my MedFlex card. You
have to have that. Well, like I said, my new
doctor's going to this private practice, but
not till February 13th. So I called yesterday
and informed them that I needed this letter.
I said, you can email it to me. If you need money
for it, let me know. I'll pay you. All right.
I'm not trying to get by on your guys. I just
need this so I can start paying for it with this
card that I loaded up with money. So they had
their new service. I'm not going to say the name
of it, but it's their new concierge service.
Call me back with no information at all. So I
go, all right. I go, yeah. I go, how am I going
to get this letter of necessity? Oh, I don't
know about that. Well, why did you call back?
Well, you left a message. Yeah, did you listen
to the message? It has this thing on here to
call you back. And we figured you'd tell us.
I said, well, I said I needed you guys to do
something. I needed you guys to get a hold of
the doctor and tell her that I need this letter
of necessity. It should not be a big deal. Okay?
So the lady goes, well, you're going to have
to call the doctor's office. Hang on, let me
see if I can get the number. She gets the number
and it's the exact same number I have. Which
I called a couple of times. So I'm like, okay,
motherfucker. All right. So I call back there.
I leave a message. Nothing crickets. So what
I'm going to tell them if I don't get a reply
by tomorrow is I'm going to call up. I'm going
to leave a long, detailed message about how they
want to charge $2 ,400 a fucking year but can't
even get me a letter of necessity. I'm going
to tell you what. I don't think I'm going to
join that service. I think it's not fucking worth
it. It's pissing me off. I would take the time
off work to walk up in there and explain to them
I'm taking off work to do this because we cannot
get this done. You see, I'm off Friday. I could
walk in Friday and do that, and I'm going to.
There you go. I'm going to. I'm going to say,
hey, I had to take off work. Yeah, but still
tell them you took off work. No, I'm going to.
I'm going to. And then I'm going to let them
know. I'm going to say, you know, you want me
to join your service? You have given me no reason
to. Just wanted to let you know. Yeah, and this
is how you treat me? Yeah. Yeah. So that $2 ,400
a year, I think I'm going to buy something with
it. It's not going to go in your pocket at all.
Yeah. And then $500. I'll buy a different doctor.
$500 times $2 ,400 a year. $500 times that is
well over a million dollars. Well over a million
dollars. Okay? With that type of service, You'd
think someone would fucking get right back to
me. So, I'm going to give them some grace. They're
switching over right now to the new thing that
they're doing. But if I don't hear back from
them tomorrow, I'm in there Friday, and I'm giving
them a little peace of my mind, but friendly.
Because I like them, but I'm letting them know.
Is it? $24 ,000 times, or $2 ,400 times 500.
Oh, times 500. Yes. Yeah. Okay, yeah, I thought
it was times five. It's cool, it's cool. That's
not the point of it. I did the, it's fine. All
right, Rob, let's, yeah. Yeah, over a million
and a half, and already I'm getting service like
this? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's fine.
You know what? I need to join St. Luke's team
anyhow because my cardiologist and all my other
doctors were at St. Luke's. It'd just be easier
if I went to one of their general practices.
That's where I was born. St. Luke's? Really?
Yeah. On the plaza? Yeah. Pennsylvania. Yep.
Okay. All right. Cool. 1969, my mom drove me
home to a racial riot. Oh, wow. We lived there.
Interesting. Yeah, we lived downstairs and my
grandma lived upstairs in an apartment building.
Oh, very cool. Them buildings aren't there no
more. I used to be able to drive by and see them
all the time. I was born at Lakeside Hospital,
which is no longer there. And that's on Troost.
Anyhow, Rob, let's turn it over to you because
we're well into this show and we haven't gotten
to you yet, so please. Okay, well, I'm going
to cover two at once. I'm going to cover some
stupid criminals and some Lake Area news. Sounds
great to me. In a quick one. Okay. Billy? Emerson
City. Uh -huh. An hour away. An hour away, yep.
Wait till you hear this part. Oh, I love this
part. Okay. Yeah, yeah, that is good. Okay. And
it's happening those same days from my view.
Mm -hmm. No bond. I love that. Yeah, I love that
word, no bond. Yeah, I do too. They need more
of that. I mean, just the high -speed pursuit
alone for under $500 stolen merchandise. Yeah,
that's ridiculous. Go ahead and take your lumps.
You'll get out of it. Now you're going to have
a hard time getting out of it. No, I don't think
they'd have any use for working people like us.
I don't know why they would want to even act
like us. Well, no, no, no. They want to sell
the beanies to people that want to look like
they work for a living, but they don't. No, no,
they're selling the ones that want to look like
they work, but they don't. Oh, okay, I got you.
You know what? Yes, yes, I got what you're saying.
All the time, yeah. Yep. I speak for a seat for
an hour. That is what I call completely stupid.
Completely. You know, there's kind of stupid
and there's moderately stupid. That person is
just so stupid that there's no backing out of
it. You know, that's just the way it is. Oh,
no, there's like three or four. Yeah, it says
four people, but they only talk about three of
them. Well, they're all dumb shits. Yeah, they
are. And now they're sitting in campy town, so.
Okay. All right, did you have one more? You said
you had a couple, or is that it? Oh, no, that's
for that. I got more later. Oh, okay, okay, I
got you. Okay, later on. Yeah, yeah, we got to
get to it. It's like 36 minutes into it. Okay,
we're going to take our first break, and then
we're going to come right back, and we are going
to have some emails. Sounds good. All right.
Tudor Steve Lukather said that Michael Jackson's
Beat It was almost ruined by Eddie Van Halen.
Steve Lukather has explained that the issue wasn't
Eddie Van Halen's solo itself, but that Eddie
and his engineer, Don Landy, Eddie did the master
tape and messed up the time code, which was crucial
for syncing other tracks. This forced Luke Catherin
drummer Jeff Porcano to meticulously recreate
the song's backing tracks from scratch, using
the faint bleed of the drums in Michael Jackson's
vocal track and re -establishing the rhythm.
This is Phineas J. Baltar S. III. That has been
your music news for this evening. I have one
burning question for you all. Do people really
skip around the Maypole? Hi all, this is Chicago.
I am the most dangerous city in North America.
You can't touch me. Oh yeah? This is Kansas City
here. Hold my beer, bitch. Two douchebags, a
microphone, and an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you... First world problems.
I can't believe the coffee grinder is broke at
the big box store. There's no way I can be expected
to grind my coffee beans every damn morning.
Strange, but true. The atom bomb's effect on
Hiroshima had many different levels, but one
of them that was very odd was the... Hiroshima
survivors developed deformed fingernails with
blood vessels that bled heavily when broken.
Have you ever wondered what something is about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, Hey,
I wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so
have we. That's why we give you The Origin Of.
This is the origin of Rob Rad's loincloth. Rob
used to strip in a nightclub called McCock's
on the city's east side. Rob was the only completely
nude dancer at the club. The other dancers were
jealous of Rob making all the cash and made him
use a loincloth to dance with. Rob soon had to
wear his loincloth daily. He found out that he
could get out of traffic tickets, sell vinyl
siding, and pick up hotties at the come and go.
Rob now wears his loincloth everywhere except
work. Sparks plus pubic hair equals to bad things.
Jam X. What the hell happened? You were the generation
of change. You never wanted to be one of them.
At the feet. Spoke for you. Fuck the man. Fuck
the system. What the hell happened? The generation
of angst? The generation of non -compliance?
Is now buying a boat? You're really fed up to
kill someone who dangled a dollar near you? Great
job, Xers. Everything's ruined. Hey, you yankers.
We often think many things are just true because
we've heard it our whole lives. That's why here
at Two Douchebags and Microphone, we developed
the segment, Not True. We investigate and uncover
the real truth of what happened. We've heard
for years that Einstein was so intelligent he
could not figure out how to tie his shoe. The
fact is, he disliked wearing socks. He would
put socks over his shoes to avoid tying them.
He believed tie -in shoelaces was an incredible
waste of time. So were Crocs when Einstein needed
them. So you want proof that we love you here
at QD Spades and Microfilm Central? Here's a
proof right here about the drink of the week.
Pistachio martini seems in order. Start off with
two ounces vanilla vodka. One ounce pistachio
liqueur. One ounce heavy cream. One half ounce
simple syrup. One ounce of heavy cream chill
martini glass in freezer for 10 minutes. Dip
the chilled glass rim in the simple syrup, then
rub the rim in crushed pistachios. Fill a cocktail
shaker with the vodka, liqueur, heavy cream,
and simple syrup in the shaker. Shake vigorously,
then strain the contents into the glass. You
may garnish the rim of the martini glass with
a sliced lemon and an olive, possibly. Drink
up, bitches. And now we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy. Why, excuse
me, my dear sir. Could you please direct me to
the nearest self -employed person in a motorized
vehicle that will transport me where I ask them
to in exchange for money and a tip? Do you mean
an Uber ride? Why, yes. Yes, I do mean an Uber
ride. Then just say an Uber ride, you dumb motherfucker.
And why are you constantly following me around
asking me stupid questions? Fucking idiot. And
now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. So let me see.
Let's say I was offended by people being offended.
Then would people being offended all the time
would have to not be offended around me because
I was offended by them being offended? Hmm. I
may never know. Now it's time for Pick Up Lines
from a Loser. You look so familiar. Didn't we
have a class together? I could have swore we
had chemistry. Sir. I see your qualifications
here. May I ask some further questions that could
help me determine your employment eligibility?
Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here,
we have a large population of different ethnic
backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are you by
chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure why
you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. Have I ever told you about my
prank phone call deal that I used to do? No.
Phone booth? Well, this was the old quick trip
in Belvedere, the one right off the highway,
right off of 71 or 49 or whatever, and 155th
Street, down there in that little pit there,
right off the exit ramp. There used to be a quick
trip. And one day, I'm like in there getting
a soda or some shit, right? And I noticed...
The phone rang. This is probably a drug deal
or something. Yeah. And some guy jumps out of
his car and starts answering. I'm like, huh.
I didn't know those things had numbers. Not only
did I not know they have numbers, I didn't realize
that people fucking answer them. Yeah. The idea
of calling into a pay phone didn't occur to me
until I saw someone do it on a TV show. I was
like, what? You can do that? You can do that?
Yeah. I thought it was just one way you got on
there. Hey, I'm down here at the Quick Trip,
man. Whenever you want to come down, you know,
I got the pet cage and the rubbers, you know,
whatever. So anyhow, so I walk over there, and
I get a pen from the guy in the Quick Trip and
wrote down the numbers. There was like three
of them. And they're like, you know, in a little
semi -circle. And back in the days, I mean, like
you mentioned the other day, how nasty that was.
Yeah. Some guy would get up there and start spitting
all over the phone, talking. And then you'd go
pick it up right after. Yeah. Jam it right up
to the hole in your face that you eat through.
Now when I think about it, I cringe. So anyhow,
it is probably a dirt bag from Belvedere anyhow
with no teeth. You know, fuck. So, anyhow, I
get these numbers down. And anyhow, one day I'm
over at my friend Davey's and we're bored. And
I go, hey, man, I got something we can do. What's
that? See these three numbers? Yeah. They're
the number two, the pay phones, and Belvedere
Quick Trip. Oh, really? Let's just call it and
fuck with people. Yeah, sure. Okay. So, you know,
we call up, and the first time, it took a long
time. I don't think anyone was there. Someone
answered, hello. Hey, you know, this is a pay
phone. I go, hey, you know, you're a dickhead.
You know, just start screwing with them. Go,
yeah, you're a piece of shit, man. Hey, you know
who I got right next to me? Who? Your mom. You
know, people get pissed off. Fuck you, bitch,
and all this stuff. So, anyhow, we, you know,
we call them up and harass them. People get so
fucking mad. You know, we get them so mad, they
threaten to kill us. They're going to come over
and we're like, well, you're going to kill me
when you don't know where I'm at, bitch. You
know, this is before, this is in... maybe early
90s at the most, late 80s, whatever, somewhere
in that time frame. And, I mean, it was just,
I mean, we had nothing else to do, so we'd call
up and just get people so mad. Davey used to
do this farmer impression. He used to tell a
guy that his fucking goats were in his yard,
and he was mad. Or, your fucking cattle trampled
my fucking sheep, you bitch. I don't have, I
don't have no farm. Yeah, you do, you son of
a bitch. I know this is you, Mr. Johnson. You
get your ass over here, and you get my dead fucking
sheep, and you better fucking bury it. If you
don't, I'm going to come over there, and I'm
going to slap the stupid out of you, and that's
going to take all day because you're pretty fucking
stupid. And he would just keep railing on them,
and the people get so mad and argue about, I
don't have a farm. I ain't got no farm, you dumb
son of a bitch. And he would just keep going,
ain't got no farm, you dumb son of a bitch. And
these people get so mad. So anyhow, one day I'm
over there. I'm like, hmm, you know, it's starting
to get boring. People get mad. Then they hang
up. Then a lot of people just go, ah, fuck you,
you know, and hang up. The smarter ones do. And
although I question him answering a pay phone.
And everyone goes, you know this is a pay phone,
don't you? You know, it's like, okay. I heard
that one before. All right, hang on. Oh, yeah,
you're right. I'm sorry. What do you do? I noticed
there's a White House right behind there. So
anyhow, I'm like, okay, all right. Everyone always
wants to know where I live at. I guess I'm going
to live in that White House right behind the
pay phone. So anyhow, most people are just kind
of like they hang up and they don't want to go
to that White House. This one guy that I was
fucking with just constantly going, hey, you
piece of shit, man. Yeah, you just don't sound
right without a dick in your mouth. You sound
completely different. You ball gargler. And all
this stuff, man. You smell like chode. And this
guy's just getting fucking madder than ever.
I'm going to beat the shit out of you. Where
you at? And I go, you want to know where I'm
at, bitch? Yeah. Now, over there. Look to your
left. Oh, no, no. Not that left. The other left,
moron. Okay, you see that left? Over there? See
that White House? I'm right here, motherfucker.
I'm looking out the window. I'm waiting for your
fucking fat ass to come beat me up. I'm going
to smack the stupid out of you, and I'm going
to do it in front of everybody. I'm going to
call people over to watch me smack the fuck out
of you. And this guy's getting mad. Oh, you son
of a bitch. I'm going to fucking kill you. And
I'm pretty sure the guy went over there. He was
so mad. So he was so mad that he didn't even
completely hang up. I heard it go click and then
it fell on the ground. So he didn't look back
or nothing. And anyhow, I hear a car peeling
out. So I don't know about that guy in that White
House, but I'm pretty sure he got into a pretty
good fight. She looked at the police blotter
the next day. Man in White House beaten to death
by outraged ill -billy. There wasn't an internet,
so it was like one of those deals where I had
to wait for one of those little regional magazines,
like the Southside or whatever, the Grandview
Circle or whatever, the Grandview Dick Smack
or whatever. One of those stupid little fucking
mags to come out. Southside idiot, whatever.
So, hey, I never did find out, you know, and
I didn't want to know. I was afraid someone might
have got killed in that whole scuff up, you know,
but, yeah. Could be. It was at the hands of entertainment,
so I justified it. Yeah, yeah. Were you briefly
entertained? Oh, I was entertained for a while.
I mean, especially the guys that just continue
to get mad and just continue to try to insult
you and one -up you without a brain. And you
continue, like Davey, just roll over so many
insults on them. And they just keep getting madder
and madder and go, oh, yeah, fuck you. Oh, my
God, you got me. Oh, you went to the F -bomb.
Oh, someone get me some iced tea. Oh, my God.
Oh, the pain. Anyhow, so the finality was ice
calling down there. And this is later. I got
bored with it, and I went back to it. And this
chick answers. And I started saying something,
you know, just started blathering some sort of
shit to try to piss her off. She goes, Mark Wallace.
Ah. Ah. Oops. Who is this? This is Danielle.
Oh, fuck. What are you doing calling a pay phone?
Long story. Hey, she busted me. That was the
last time I called him. I'm like, fuck, man.
That's it, man. No fun anymore. It's done. Yep.
Cancel Christmas. Yeah. Pharmacy's closed. Two
douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here in
the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of
the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and water
track, and also home of HMO Country Store, where
you can find all your needs, including a selfie
with the Sinclair dog. Thank you, Rob. I'm getting
better. I'm getting better. You're doing awesome.
You're doing great. You get a lot of compliments.
Well, I do too. We both do. And I just don't
mention them because it sounds like we're propping
ourselves. But we would like to thank everybody
that appreciates what we do. Yes. All right.
First one. Speaking of someone appreciating us,
we'll see. All right. Mark. Mark, just tell the
friends right off, I do not do group chats. End
of story. I did and have never been bothered
again. I would still like to kick Mark in the
nuts. Mitch, the guy formerly known as Mitchell.
Mitch is back. Awesome. Yeah. Welcome back, Mitch.
Welcome back, Mitchell. I want to kick you in
the nuts, too, so we're even. But until then,
my nuts are on notice. They know you're lurking.
And I want to videotape you two kicking each
other in the nuts. So, hey, we're all good. All
right, okay. Mitch, thanks for coming back. We
appreciate it. I'm sorry about way back then,
but you did try to screw a chick in someone else's
car. You did deserve it. I didn't know you were
going to run out in a field with a fucking boner,
okay? I'm sorry. That's the price of doing business
in today's world. That's the way it is. That's
why he has a problem with you and not me. Yes,
it is. It is. And he has a bigger problem probably
because I brought it up on the show. Mitch, love
you. Keep it coming. All right. Love you, Mitch.
And I really do. Mitch was a cool guy. Was he
not cool? Yeah, and I'm also trying to... Ronnie
and Tulsa, I don't think he's going to be able
to make it up anytime soon. But I want to meet
Ronnie really bad, too. He's royalty as well.
So, anyhow. All right. Dudes, you guys are on
to something. I find your show more entertaining
than anything I could find on the dial or the
internet. George and Philly. Number one, I can't
believe someone in Philadelphia likes us how
much we make fun of Nick Sirianni and the Eagles.
But, George, thank you. This is what we're trying
to do. We're trying to give you an option of
something different. If it's your humor, you're
going to love it. If it's not your humor, you're
going to hate it. There's no ways about it. You
either like it or you don't. You don't kind of
listen to it or nothing. You either like this
humor or you don't. And that's one of the things
I like about it is if you like it, you're going
to love it. If you don't like it, you're never
going to listen to it again and you're going
to hate us. Agreed? Agreed. And one of our mottos
is we are trying to get your mind off everything
going on in the world. Yes. It is a release.
And I feel sorry for the people, and some of
them I know, that don't understand that. And
think like we're immature or we're doing something
wrong for doing a podcast like this or something.
I feel sorry for those people. They lost their
fun in life. For real. And I'm not going to mention
any names. We went through some of them. Okay?
You guys have lost your sense of fun in this
world. Why are you here? I'm not saying kill
yourself, nothing like that. What I'm saying
is if you lost the ability to enjoy yourself,
you're miserable. So, anyhow, I could go on a
lot more on this, but I'm not. All right. Rob,
will you sign my loincloth, please? Wesley in
Chapel Hills, I guess, North Carolina. Will you?
Come to Missouri, I'll meet you. How about if
you mail it? Mail it to him. I don't know. He'll
even send you an autographed poster of him in
his loincloth while he's knitting with his toes.
But his free ball has to be blotched out per
regulation. So it's going to be scrambled. You're
not going to be able to see his stuff. All right.
Mark, do you believe in postification euphoria?
Yes, I do. You take a good dump, you feel great,
don't you? Yes. I think it's real. I don't know
why Samantha Paducah asked me that, but how about
if I have New Guy explain it a little bit later?
We're not ready for another break yet, but when
we go to break next time, New Guy will explain
post -defecation euphoria. Does that sound fair,
Rob? Oh, he's already... Did you hear the last
one? Oh, he is a dick. Oh, yeah, he's really
going to hate us for this. Yeah. Well, new guy?
Oh, he's already fucking flipping me off and
walking off. Ah, well, you know what? Hey, new
guy, if you don't do it, I got a guy down the
road that says he's going to do it for tube socks.
So fuck you. Oh, that got his attention. All
right. Mark, I'm having a dinner party this Saturday.
This is for wealthy business owners for the purpose
of getting investors for a new project in the
energy sector. I need to know, should I serve?
And he wants your opinion, too. Or at least it
said Mark, but I'm pretty sure he wants both
our opinions. So I'm going to have you give your
opinion, too. Garlic steak or prime rib? What
should be the main course? Ronald Dozer, upstate
New York. I'm going to say garlic steak because
I am, that to me, I like it much better than
prime rib. What about you? Actually, yeah, I
would lean more towards the garlic steak too.
Honestly, I mean, I love a good prime rib. I
do too. I would lean more towards the garlic
steak. I think so, too. I think more people would
be more impressed with garlic steak. A really
good garlic steak is a work of art. So if you're
going to make them dinner, make sure, number
one, make sure and get a good recipe and do it
exactly like it says. And make sure that you
serve probably with that garlic steak, would
you say maybe asparagus? Maybe grilled asparagus
in butter? Yeah. Asparagus. Yeah. A really nice
good garden salad with romaine and other types
of lettuce, the fancier lettuce, no iceberg.
Probably the tomato grapes and grated, real grated
cheese. Don't buy the stuff in the pack. Buy
your cheese and grate it yourself. And then the
cheese, I like feta cheese on my salads, but
not everybody does. I mean, feta cheese is goat
cheese. Yeah. Yeah. And also for dessert, I'm
going to say key lime pie. What do you say? Even
though he didn't ask all that. I'm not a key
lime. Okay. All right. What do you, how about,
I don't know. How about like a peanut butter
souffle or something like that? Something like,
yeah. Okay. So you've got to watch what you do.
I don't know. I would have to get to know the
person a little bit personally to find out. That
would give me more of a clue. Here's my thought,
Rob. Here's my thought. When you do the desserts,
you have one sugar -free option and you have
one loaded with sugar. Does that sound good?
Yes. And that will impress these people, too.
It's like, man, this guy's thoughtful. He came
up with something that someone that might be
wanting to lose weight or diabetic. It's like,
no problem. We got them both. Yeah, and especially
if you're trying to make an impact. Yes. Yep.
So, Ronald Dozer, Upstate New York, thank you
very much. I like that question. What do you
think? That wasn't smart -ass or nothing. I do
believe that the guy was rude. It kind of shows
our sophistication, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How
much of it is there, I don't know, but it did.
No, you know what? I mean, look, we do dumb stuff.
It doesn't mean we're dumb. We do dumb stuff.
So there's a difference. There's a definite difference.
We do dumb stuff for impact. Other people do
dumb stuff because they don't know better. Okay.
And also our dumb stuff is harmless. A lot of
dumb stuff is very harmful. So anyhow, I'm getting
on something else. All right. Finally, Mark,
did you say the Dr. Pepper Museum offers the
original Dr. Pepper formula for purchase? Was
it just soda fountains or bottles and cans? Ross
in Dallas. Ross. Thank you. That's amazing. How
long ago did I mention that, the Dr. Pepper Museum?
Maybe two years ago? Quite a while, yeah. It
was quite a while ago. So Ross, well, we know
Ross has been listening for a while because he's
been emailing off and on, but now it's been regular
for like the last couple of months. But Ross
has been, he's been an original guy. He's an
OG. He's from way back. And Ross, okay, to answer
your question, It was, okay, it was sold only
by 12 -packs and bottles. These are 8 -ounce
bottles. And this was in the mid-'90s, you know.
So I don't know. They might have them in cans.
They might have them in different ways now. But
you have to buy them by the 12 -packs back then.
And they're in little 8 -ounce bottles. And it
says on there, it has a completely different
label. And it says, like, this is the original.
None of the other ones say that. Because they
use imperial sugar and all that. But the original
one, the only difference between the other original
one that isn't quite the original is, the kind
that they mass produce and sell in specialty
stores, they do not contain artesian well water.
The stuff in Waco, Texas is the actual original
formula. There's like four ingredients in it.
And one of them is artesian well water. And that's
what makes the whole difference besides the imperial
cane sugar. So, yeah, 12 packs by the bottles.
But I'm betting they have a different way of
doing it now. I bet you they have them in cans
now. But I don't know. And if you're driving
there because you're from Dallas, about halfway
to Waco from Dallas, there is a Texas Ranger
Museum off of I -35E. That's the way you go to
Waco from Dallas. Okay, or no, Doe. No, no, no,
W, West. I -35 splits off. One's E, one's W.
One's for East, one's for West. I -35W takes
you to Waco, and halfway there, there's a Texas
Ranger Museum. I highly suggest you go there
if you haven't already. So, make it a couple
-a -day event is what I'm saying. So, all right.
Actually, if I'm thinking right, I'm thinking
Tulsa King visited there. Oh, you know what?
I think you're right. He did say that. Didn't
he mention something about that? I don't know
if he did or not. I visited the museum. He very
possibly could have said. You know what? I thought
he. I think you're right. I think he did. And
was talking to you about it. I think you're right.
Okay. Well, that's just another. wrong, Tulsa
King, but I was thinking so. Yeah, let's take
a second break and then we'll come back with
Rob's Bag of Garbage. deification, euphoria,
and do it with a smile. That's better, Dick.
All right, we'll be right back. Hello, this is
a new guy, and these two dimwits want me to explain
post -deification euphoria, also known as poo
-phoria. It is a real feeling of calm, relief,
or even happiness after a bowel movement caused
by the vagus nerve stimulation. which triggers
relaxation signals, dropping heart rate and blood
pressure, creating a sense of well -being or
lightheadedness. It's a normal psychological
response involving nerve signals, pressure release,
and activation of the body's rest and digest
state, often felt after a satisfyingly complete
bowel movement. That's funny. I get the same
sensation when these two fuckwads end the show.
So, I guess Two Douchebags and Microphone Podcast
is just like taking a dump. Fuckheads. When I
was with that band, I wasn't drinking, so when
we'd play drinking games, I'd have to drink this
water, which is, you know... Not really much
of a game, because half the game is watching
everyone get drunk, you know, and they have to
take a drink or whatever. It also gives you a
one -up, though. You see stupid shit happening,
and other people don't identify with it because
they're smashed. But then again, it'd be fun
or smashed because you'd be like, ah! Well, they
came up with a variation for me since instead
of drinking alcohol, I was drinking water. They
made the exception as I could not get up. I couldn't
leave the circle to go pee. Everyone else could,
but since I wasn't getting hammered on water,
then my punishment was I couldn't pee. That's
a pretty... That lasted for a while, and I was
like, okay, I voluntarily lose and quit, whatever,
because I've got to go pee right now. Like that?
Some of those drinking games went on way too
long, and by the time we got back to the club
to play that night, Some of us were still a little
hammered. A little residual leftover glaze. They've
never done that. And then you've got the choice.
If you're that person, you start the gig off
and you're kind of wasted, do you just keep it
going throughout the gig or do you let yourself
come down during the gig? And by the fourth set,
you're like, fuck this, I hate life, let me go.
I was talking to a guy at work similar to that.
When I was younger, I used to have to decide,
because we were out late one night having some
beers and stuff, and I ended up leaving that
place like 2 .30 or something, which is rare,
rare for me. Obviously, I've been asleep a long
time. And a couple days later, I'm talking to
him, and I go, you know, when I was younger,
I used to have that one moment where I had to
stop for a second at what I was doing and go,
all right. I've got to be at work in four hours.
Do I want to just ride this out, hurry in, and
try to sober up the last couple hours and go
to work? Or do I want to shut this fucking thing
down, get four hours of sleep, and then go in
there and go to work? And usually, usually it
was like, I'm just going to ride this thing through,
and I'll sleep tomorrow, which I never did, because
then all of a sudden a bunch of people show up.
And anyhow, they go, hey, come on, man, get in
the car. We're going to go over to so -and -so's.
And I'll be like, oh, yeah, you know. And, you
know, it usually takes me three or four days
to catch up. And then I'd have to be usually
a Tuesday night. But it seems like that would
be the wiser choice is to stay awake and ride
it out. When I was in that situation. Yeah, because
you feel like shit. You actually get about three
hours or two and a half hours sleep because you're
forcing yourself to sleep, but you still want
to party. You get a little bit of bad sleep,
bad quality sleep. When you wake up, your body
is finally to the point where it wants to sleep,
but now you have to wake up. Yeah, when you get
in that really deep sleep, you wake up. And then
what's even worse is while you're asleep, you
can't monitor your symptoms. take steps to counteract.
Like, if you're dead asleep because you're half
-wasted... No, you wake up where you're at. Yeah,
I mean, you may be so sick to your stomach that
normally you'd wake up and do something about
it, but you're sleeping so hard in those couple
three hours that it just sits there and gets
worse and worse. By the time you wake up, you
feel like total shit. Whereas if you'd stayed
awake, you could treat those symptoms as they
came up. You'd be more tired, but after the end
of a couple hours, you're like, okay, I got my
nausea under control. I got myself hydrated.
I got some drops in my eyes. It usually worked
out better because you had that time to start
treating yourself. I would run into that not
necessarily because I was wasted, but just because
I was tired. Some of those out -of -town gigs.
I'd work all day Friday, drive out to some hour
and a half out of town, set up, play, tear down.
And then I'd have to drive back to KC and get
a little bit of sleep and go work Saturday. Because
I worked a lot of Saturdays. And then when I
was done with work, I'd have to load up, drive
back to that little town where everybody else
still was, and go play the second night. It was
like, ugh, this sucks so hard. See, that's when
I should have been freebasing coke or something.
You know, that's when I needed all that energy.
But, you know, there I was trying to exist on
coffee and cigarettes. I just wasn't cutting
it. Hey, everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm going
to give you some tips for life. Record loud train
noise on your phone. That way you won't take
any big dump in the public toilet. Turn off your
phone. And bam, nobody hears. Hello, this is
Phineas J. Horace III. I'm here to deliver your
music news this evening. We have some sad news
for everybody. Bob Weir, the co -founder and
guitarist for The Grateful Dead, has passed away
at the age of 78. Bob, we hope you're grateful
because you are definitely dead. Rest in peace,
Mr. Weir. This is Phineas J. Baltar S. III. That
has been your music news for this evening. I
have one burning question for you all. Do people
really skip around the Maypole? Two douchebags
and a microphone. As entertaining as a botulism
burp. Hey peeps, it's time for the police blotter.
That's right stories about stupid criminals and
the dumbassness that ensued. Let us begin now.
A 24 year old man in Louisiana decided to rob
a non -cash smoothie store. The smoothie store
only took cash apps and orders online. When the
staff informed the man there wasn't even a cash
register on the premises, he became irritated
and instead demanded a smoothie. with his weapon
still out. While the employee made his custom
smoothie complete with acai berries and monk
fruit, the manager tipped of the police in the
back of the store. Joel Bennett of Monroe, Louisiana,
was arrested for attempted armed robbery and
causing a disturbance with a deadly weapon. Oh,
Lord, that man just sawed a puppy in half. Hey
there. Don't worry. I have a clown nose. Oh no!
That drunk guy just hit my child! It's okay.
I have a clown nose. Clown doses are sold at
keg stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen. Tomorrow
morning while grinding your coffee beans for
your double mocha latte, remember to not get
your genitals caught in the grinder. It really
hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery? Stay safe,
everyone. Next up, things overheard in hell.
Well, that little handsome CD is just a laptop.
Uh -huh. Two douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark
here in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri,
home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and
Water Track, and also home of the Hickam Oak
Country Store, where you can find all your needs,
including a selfie with Nick. And the name of
the dinosaur is Dino, by the way. Yeah, Dino,
yes. And, all right. I actually looked it up
the other day when I was going into this, yes.
Yeah, yep, named Dino. And they can't say from
the Flintstones because they don't want to pay
them. So, he's just known as Dino the Green Dinosaur.
Yep. Even though he does look like Dino considerably,
doesn't he? Yeah. Yeah. Anyhow. Rob, let's go
to the bag of... Our opinion. Our opinion, yes.
Thank you. Allegedly. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly.
So, Rob, let's go to you. I think you might have
a bag of garbage there sitting there, don't you?
Yes. You want to get rid of some of it? Time
for Rob's bag of garbage. The best segment ever,
ever in the history of everything. Wow. Yeah.
What they didn't disclose was that the filter
was made of coccidio -like asbestos. Oh, wow.
The most dangerous type known to cause mesothelioma.
That's not good. Oh, wow. Yeah, they were smoking
the Kent 3s. I remember Kent. Yeah. Yeah. I don't
think they sell them anymore, do they? No, no,
they are no longer. I don't know. As far as I
know, you cannot find them. Yeah, I have not
seen them in years, so I'm pretty sure they don't
sell them. Okay. Wow. All right, you got another
one, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. Okay.
I got one more. All right. Easy one, quite the
easy one. Okay. that's a great point yeah you're
right there's always someone on a planet getting
ready to try to fuck them up but he always they
always act like their friend but they're not
but then they have ulterior motives and captain
kirk and spock figure it out and get him right
I love it. It's true. Is that it on it? Yeah,
that is it on tonight. I love that, though. It's
true. All right. You ever hear the box demon,
Rob? These sightings refer to a viral doorbell
camera footage from March 2025 in York County,
Pennsylvania, showing a person in a flower -like
mask leaving an empty box and identifying himself
as a box demon, a harmless prank that gained
traction online and led to the person being identified
by the police who confirmed no public safety
threat. Why he'd done it, there is no... He has
no reason why he done that. But he likes to do
that. And he calls himself the box demon. And
this is not the only time he's done it. But I
wish there was a lasagna demon. Goes around with
a chef hat. Like, you know, Chef Boyardee. Leaving
lasagna at your doorstep. That would be nice,
wouldn't it? That'd be real nice. Oh, yeah. Lasagna
demon. It's like, hey, Rob. You know, you heard
the dog barking, right? Yeah. You know who's
out there? No. The lasagna demon. What? Okay,
so here I come, okay. I answer, I go to the door,
okay, and I come back, and okay, here you go.
Who was that? Okay, so go ahead, Rob, do it.
What? Okay, I'm coming back. I'm coming back
from the door. Okay, we're both at your house,
okay? And the door rings, okay? I'm coming back,
and you go, hey, Mark, go ahead, ask me who it
was and all that, okay? That was the lasagna
demon. Okay, now it's your turn. I don't believe
it. It's the lasagna demon. Look, come here.
Look, look. See all that lasagna? The dude leaves
the... Holy shit! Yeah, that's the lasagna demon,
dude. Look at all this lasagna. Now, wouldn't
that be great? Oh, that'd be awesome. Yeah. Too
bad there's not a lasagna, Damon. Now watch out
for my dogs, because they're about to eat it
all. Oh, shit. You know what? Yeah, yeah. Put
that shit up. Put them in the fridge. They're
about ready to get it. All right. All right,
Rob. You got something? Yeah, that's what I was
sitting here trying to pick out what you want.
Okay. Let's go ice cream, Coach. Hell yeah. Can't
go wrong with that. Or simply experiment with
what happened at the 1904 World's Fair in St.
Louis. One of those creations is a dessert you
probably have in your kitchen right now. The
ice cream cone. The 1904 St. Louis World's Fair
in St. Louis. ice tea, and candy. However, many
food historians agree that the most influential
food invention from the fair was ice cream cone.
Ice cream itself was invented in China and became
commercially popular in the 1850s. The ice cream
cone was invented in Missouri, earning it a prominent
place Cool. I know this. I said I didn't know
this. Go ahead, please. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, it
was invented, though. Does it go into how it
was invented? Yeah. Sorry, I was coughing. Oh,
okay. That's fine. That's fine. serving dishes
and we rolled one of his thin waffles into a
cone filled it with ice cream and then knowingly
created one of the most iconic desserts in the
world just like that there's nothing better than
a waffle cone too a freshly baked waffle cone
with ice cream in the middle of it is that not
so fucking good oh that is so true yeah oh uh
And the places that make their own waffles, and
they're nice and steamy, and they put the whatever,
mint chip or whatever in the middle. Oh, my gosh,
that is so good. So, anyhow, go ahead. In this
article, it says, if you're craving classic ice
cream cone, here are some of the best spots at
Martin's for you to check out. Okay. Mm -hmm.
Remo's in Kent. Sparky's Ice Cream in Columbia.
And the Falcon and Locust in St. Louis. Mm, okay.
We have some good places here. Betty Ray's is
amazing. They make everything themselves from
scratch. And they even have, like, burnt ant
ice cream. And not all the time. Burnt ant ice
cream. It's fucking good, dude. I have my reservations
about it, too. And I'm like, I don't know. Well,
the lady at the counter, she said, here, I'll
give you a sample. I tried. I'm like, yeah, I'll
take three tons of that wrapped up. Thank you.
I'll be back in 10 minutes. Yeah, that stuff.
Oh, it was good. Real good. It was salty sweet.
Salty sweet is good, right? Always. And it's
Kansas City Joe's barbecue. Those are the burnt
ends they put on it, which are fantastic anyhow.
Some of the best burnt ends in Kansas City. All
right. Thank you, Rob. Was that it on it or not?
Yeah, that was it. Okay. Devotees at India's
Bahari Temple were filmed drinking water from
an elephant sculpture, mistakenly believing it
was holy water, when it was actually condensation
from the temple's air conditioning unit. How
in the fuck do you get it's holy water from an
air conditioning unit is what I would like to
know. Okay, I'm going to go on. Spark a debate
about faith, critical thinking, and health risks
as AC water can harbor mold and bacteria. Despite
warnings from a person recording the video, many
continue to consume the water. Those who are
spurs have a strong faith, I really guess, right?
That's like tempting everything. God's going
to take care of me because I'm going to act like
this is holy water. Like it to be. Yeah. Anyhow,
that's pretty much it. They were drinking condensation
from an air conditioner, and they thought it
was holy water, but it does not explain anything
else is what got me. It's like, how did that
holy water... get into a vase or a chan uh what
do they call them a chanlin no no no shit a chalice
yeah yeah how did it get into a chalice or whatever
i don't get that you know was someone playing
a joke on him i don't know it didn't explain
it but i just thought that was interesting that's
india's bahari temple So, anyhow, it is 9 -11.
Do you want to go ahead and shut this show down,
or do you want to keep it going? Actually, I
think I'm probably done for the night, brother.
You know what, brother? I've got to get up. Tomorrow's
my early day. I have to be up at 4, so it's going
to be a good idea for me to crash, too. I get
up at 5 every morning. Yep. Anyhow, Grandma Opal
update, she's not good. Not good at all. Yeah,
so anyhow, we wish her the best. Yeah, she's
in our prayers. We love her. And I hope she can
still understand what we're saying. We love you,
Grandma Opal. You will always be our most treasured
listener. So thank you. Yes, always. And Jimmy,
hang in there. It's not easy. All right, everybody.
Thank you for listening. Good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.