Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
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finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
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we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. And now, Deep Thoughts with
Mark. Should I throw away all my socks, then
only buy 30 pair? Of one kind of sock. Will they
eventually not match up? Hmm. I may never know.
Great news, assholes. You can now email the douches
anytime, anywhere. In the middle of a job interview.
No big deal. Taking a bath? No problems there.
Tap dancing. Easy as pie. Just send it to 2douches
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time for the douchebag question of the week.
Turn all answers into 2douches at mail .com.
Spell out the number 2. Send in your replies
or Rob will find you. He is waiting for the word.
Don't be bashful. You'll get yourself hurt. The
question of the week is, are superstitions a
must in your day -to -day life? For instance,
you're on your way to work and a black cat runs
in front of your car. Do you split down a side
road or do a U -turn to avoid the bad luck? Email
us at twodouchesatmail .com. That's the number
two spelled out, kids, so don't fuck it up. Hey,
everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give
you some tips for life. Always answer the phone
with, I have 1%. I will hang on as long as I
can. That way, if it's someone you don't want
to talk to, look off mid -sentence and you're
done. Two douchebags, a microphone, and an effort
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in front of it. I can't believe it. This is bullshit.
And now we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Excuse me, sir. Could you please
be a good gentleman and pass the malt acetic
acid my way? Do you mean the malt vinegar? Why,
yes. Yes, I do mean the malt vinegar. Then just
say the malt vinegar, you dumb buck. Two douchebags
and microphone. This is a podcast that tells
you only things you want to hear. Not really.
Anyhow, this is Mark, and I am here in the Kansas
City area at the Talk is Cheap Studios, what
I call this mess here. But it's a beautiful mess.
And it is a very cold January evening. Martin
Luther King Day. One of the greatest men that
ever lived. And anyhow, I like to make goat noises
too. And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri. Home
of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and Water
Track. I love that, though. You can even get
a selfie. But I love that, though. You mentioned
that you could get a selfie with Dino the Green
Dinosaur. That must know stuff. That is must
know stuff. He's right out front. Hell yeah.
He's a cute little booger, too, isn't he? He's
a classic. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, I got
several pictures of me trying to ride him, and
it didn't go very well. Another picture of me
smoking a cigar with him. That went a little
bit better. And then another one of just taking
him by himself, and he looked disgruntled. He's
like, man, I wish that fat ass would get off
of me. But anyhow. Then after that, there's like
four kids jumping on him, so I imagine he probably
missed me after that. But this is the one in
Lamar, Missouri, at Lamardi's. Yeah, yeah, you
mentioned that. Yeah. All right. I have to admit
this, Rob. I felt kind of bad for Josh Allen
and his season -ending press conference. I really
didn't have an issue with Josh myself. It was
the media and its constant propping up of him.
He didn't ask for that. The media anointed him
the best quarterback ever. And they've been doing
this while Mahomes was winning all of the Super
Bowls and winning all of the matchups in the
playoffs against Josh Allen. That was not Josh
Allen pounding his chest going, I'm better than
him. That was the media trying to make him better
than Mahomes. Yes. Yes, it was. Yeah. Josh Allen,
I hear so much hatred towards Josh Allen. I'm
like, you know, it's not Josh Allen you hate.
What you hate is the media's reaction to Josh
Allen because they so badly, in my opinion, the
East Coast so badly wants any team close to the
coast, remotely close to the coast at all, the
East Coast, that is, to win. And they wanted
to be the best ever. And whenever that doesn't
happen, they're not beyond fabricating someone.
Maybe not fabricating them per se, but inflating
their stats. And that's what they've been doing
with them. Because on the last Sports Bastards,
I went to a season -by -season comparison. And
it can be compared because Josh Allen started
his first season. Mahomes sat out his, you know,
he... he sat behind Alex Smith and watched him
all season. They played in the final game against
Denver, which was basically an exhibition game.
So they basically essentially started, they started
the same year, okay, in 2020, 2019, I mean. They
started in the same year, so being a starter.
So, Josh Allen, his numbers aren't nearly as
great as you would think. And like I said, I
got no problem with him. I like the guy personally.
And he was so distraught over losing again in
the playoffs. His emotional response was really
kind of heartbreaking. He was really, truly ate
up inside. And then also right after that, his
head coach, Sean McDermott, got fired too. And
this is like a day later, he was let go. So there's
a lot of aftermath to this. Yeah, and I don't
think McDermott deserved to be fired either.
And I'll tell you where they went wrong. And
here's where they went wrong is they lost a lot
of confidence after that 13 -second game, the
very famous 13 -second game. And I don't think
they ever fully recovered from that, in my opinion,
from what I could see. What do you think, Rob?
You're a football fan. Honestly, I told you I
have not had a chance to watch this year. I didn't
get a chance to watch this weekend either, and
we're in the playoffs. Oh, no, we're not in the
playoffs. Oh, the NFL's in the playoffs. Okay.
Yeah, I was busy. Sunday, I was under my house
wrapping pipes. Yeah, you're going to need that,
too. You see the weather forecast? Yeah, see,
I put it all through. Yeah, so Sunday, me and
my stepson was under the house wrapping pipes.
I've got to. Then went to my cousin's for dinner.
Okay, I've got some heat tape, you know, the
lights. I've got those that I've got to wrap
around a couple of the water pipes that come
in from the north side. But other than that,
I'm pretty much good. So, anyhow, you know, McDermott
was fired. So, Josh Allen, you know, really having
a bad couple of days. So, I am, you know what,
I'm somewhat of a hypocrite, though, about feeling
bad about Josh Allen. If I'm ever in a bad, you
know, if I'm ever having a bad day and all I
want to do is get in a good mood, I put on the
last five minutes of the 13 -second championship
game. That game is the equivalent of having a
four -month -old puppy. In your lap. It brings
me that type of joy. It does. I watch that and
I feel all good. I'm like, ha, ha, ha. So I just
wish it was against someone else besides Josh
Allen. But anyhow, I'll take what I can get.
You know, while we're on football, all the dipshits
that are branding Caleb Williams as the new Patrick
Mahomes are failing to identify this coming up.
Well, not coming up, but what. what this is right
here, okay? Mahomes has thrown several interceptions
during playoffs and Super Bowl appearances, but
he also threw four or five touchdowns to make
up for it and win the fucking game. You know,
that is why. Caleb Williams is not a Patrick
Mahomes. He threw interceptions but never recovered
from them. He lost the game, including the game
loser, the clincher, the interception he threw
that he didn't have to throw. They were in field
goal range. It was in overtime, and both of them
already had the ball. All they had to do was
kick a fucking field goal, get to three points,
and walk off with a win, and then you go to Seattle
this weekend. But no, instead he threw the ball,
and he threw it right into the arms of a defender,
not even one of his own guys. So that guy, Caleb
Williams, and then I looked at his stats, and
his stats are very, very pedestrian. Okay, this
is a 17 -game season, not a 16 -game season,
and this is with some playoff games included.
This is his season here. Now, Mahomes' best season
was... It was 17 games, but it was 5 ,250 yards
and 50 -some touchdowns, right? Phenomenal season.
That was his best season. Then he had another
season where he had almost 5 ,000. No, he did
have 5 ,000, and he almost had 50 touchdowns.
Now, this is Caleb Williams' best season to date,
his second one. Okay, so he finished with 3 ,942
yards, and this is with some playoff games added
in a 17 -game season, and he had 27 touchdowns
and 7 interceptions. That's almost... Way to
go! But it's still... Way to go! He still didn't
hit 4 ,000 yards with the extra games and everything.
No. So what I'm saying is this right here. Okay,
he is not anywhere near Mahomes, and neither
is Josh Allen. And all these talking heads, and
now they're really having fun because Mahomes
isn't in it this year. All I've got to say is,
wait until the revenge tour next year. We, as
in the Chiefs, asked for permission to talk to
Eric Biennemi. Eric Biennemi has accepted, and
allegedly, but it's from really good sources,
Tom Pacellero or whatever he is from NFL Network,
I think he said that we do intend on hiring him
as the offensive coordinator of the Kansas City
Chiefs. Now, I think that's better than Matt
Nagy, but you know who I would like to see, if
he would do it, be the offensive coordinator?
Besides, like, Alex Smith, I think he'd be a
great quarterbacks coach, maybe an offensive
coordinator, but Sean McDermott. But I don't
know. Since he's been a head coach, he may be
looking just for a head coach job. But if he
wants to get a ring and get some more notoriety,
I'd love to see him here. I would love to see
Sean McDermott work with Patrick Mahomes. What
do you think about that? Yeah, I would like to
see that myself. I would love to see that, but
I think he's too far past that. He's been a head
coach for eight years and been to the playoffs
every year. I mean, I'm pretty sure he doesn't
want to be an offensive coordinator, but then
again, working with Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes
could not be a bad deal on your resume. No, it
could not. So I think they're going to go for
Bien -Ami, and I like Bien -Ami, but I just don't
know if we want to go back in that same direction.
keep going back and forth with him yeah yeah
you know he keeps leaving to go get greener pastures
and get that coveted head coach job that he never
gets um you know maybe this time yeah let him
figure it out on his own we love him and everything
and wish him well but i don't know if that's
necessarily the smartest thing to do is hire
him back so time will tell because none of us
really know so let's wait And then I was watching
the national championship game where Indiana
is currently leading Miami 10 -0. And this is
a college national championship, of course. And
I noticed Tom Brady is on the sidelines there.
I think they might pick Mendoza. They're talking
about him picking Mendoza, number one. And this
would be Mendoza, the quarterback of the Indiana
Hoosiers. who are the number one ranked team
and expected to win the national championship.
And he's, I believe he's scouting Mendoza, which
is great for us because the more focus they put
on the quarterbacks, the more likely we are to
maybe land that offensive lineman or a key element
like the edge rusher. I think the edge rusher,
where is he from? Yeah, as an edge rusher. So
we'll see. I forgot the name of the guy, but
they said if this is more of a quarterback -focused
draft, the edge rusher should be there at No.
9 or 10. I think we're No. 9. Should be there
at No. 9 for us to pick up. And if he's not there,
then I hope they trade down because I don't know
if there's anyone really that worthy. But I've
been wrong before. So, Rob, have you ever heard
anything more about the Epstein files? Well,
no convictions, like we were saying. It's pretty
much died down again. So I do know this, though,
okay? I took the time to look up Bill Clinton
and the supposed subpoenas, and here's what I
found. Supposedly him and Hillary are getting
ready to go contempt to court because they refused
to testify about the Epstein and, you know, how
many times he had been there, and I think maybe,
I don't know if she was or not, but at least
he was. Okay, yeah, that part, I did read that.
I did read that. Okay, here's where I found because
I heard a lot of people arguing about this, okay?
And the only side I'm taking is this right here.
If you're not fucking guilty, then go testify.
That's the way I feel about it. So, all right.
Yes, yes. Yes, yep, I agree. So Bill and Hillary
Clinton did skip scheduled congressional depositions
related to Epstein investigation, refused to
comply with the House Oversight Committee subpoenas,
leading to Republican threats of contempt to
Congress charges for defying the legal order.
The Clintons argued the subpoenas were part of
a politically motivated harass and embarrass
tactic. But Republicans led by Chairman. James
Comer, plan to proceed with contempt proceedings.
So, after reading that, okay, here's my thoughts
on this. And I don't care if you're Democrat,
Republican, or nothing. I'm saying this, if you're
a decent fucking person, someone that's involved
in this, you want them known. Okay? So let's
stop the fucking party bullshit and think about
this rationally and how it should be thought
of. Protecting fucking... children. So, well,
my thoughts are this. Go testify and fucking
prove it. Otherwise, to me, you're guilty as
fuck with your actions, right? Right. Yeah. So,
anything less than that? If you had nothing to
hide, you'd be there. Yeah. Yes, exactly. If
you had nothing to hide, you'd be there with
fucking bells on going, yeah, yeah, hey, bring
me a fucking microphone, man. Let me tell you
what. Here's my proof. Yeah. I'd be like, bring
everybody around here because I want you to hear
this and hear it fucking once because we're not
talking about this bullshit again. That's what
I'm doing. But evidently, I don't know. Must
be something to hide, in my opinion. I don't
know. And I don't give a fuck who you are. I
don't care if you're D or R behind your name.
If you're fucking guilty, you're fucking guilty.
So there we go. All right. Rob, a little bit
different. You remember Denny's the night...
the not quite as horrible waffle house. Yeah,
you eat at 3 a .m. I do, too. I do, too. You
know, you can eat there at 3 a .m. I don't know
what they're like anymore. I know there's not
nearly as many of them. I don't think so, either.
So, Denny's has what they call sticker kicks.
They're a limited edition sneaker featuring real
sealed Denny's syrup inside the clear panels
of the sneakers. I'm not joking. Sticker kicks.
Denny's sticker kicks. They have Denny's syrup
in there. You can buy this if you have absolutely
no brains at all. Denny's dinerdrip .com or Google
it. The syrup is not edible. Do what? Oh, okay.
It says the syrup's not edible and the shoes
should not be punctured. Okay, is that one of
them clear bowls? Yes. Yes, I looked at it. That's
it. Yeah, you can see the syrup in there. Okay,
everybody, have you ever seen them shoes? That's
the first thing to go is that plastic pops. Yes,
you're going to have syrup everywhere, non -edible
syrup, so you can't go get some fucking bread
and like sop it up and eat it. Your best bet,
if you're going to buy a pair, put them up and
put them in a china cabinet or something. Yeah,
yeah, just keep them as a collector's item, probably
not wear them. Yeah. And then finally, on this
intro here, there was a study done. And I think
everybody who's lived a little bit has been through
this before. And they finally come up with a
clear -cut way, they say, the proper etiquette
to get out of a group chat. Because I've had
this happen plenty of times. It's not the fact
that I didn't want to be in it or anything. Sometimes,
you know, it was informative or needed to be
or whatever, right? But the thing I hated is
you go to bed and all of a sudden, ding, ding.
ding ding ding ding it's like fuck damn it everyone's
still texting they don't have to be at work at
like four in the morning like me so you know
everyone's still texting because they get to
stay up another three hours so here is a way
that the experts say that uh the proper this
is a proper way of getting out of a group chat
okay all right number one they say um A good
thing to do is join the chat and give a brief,
honest reason, like needing to reduce screen
time, or you need to focus on something else,
or a polite thanks for including me, but I'm
stepping out to manage my phone time is another
good one, which I've done before. I'd be like,
you know, I've been on my phone too much, and
I'm going to get off here. I've got other things
to do. I think we've all been there, right? Oh,
yeah, that's me every weekend. Yeah. Everybody's
trying to get a hold of me, and I'm trying to
get things done myself. No, I know. Yeah, it
gets to me, too. Or a less direct approach, just
mute notifications and archive the chat, which
is a great idea. I never thought about that before
that is. Just, you know, don't be notified about
it anymore, and then just archive it. So if there's
something you have to answer, you can read it
later and go, well, I was asleep, but I see it
now, and then you can answer it. Yeah. Honestly,
my phone is always on silent. Mine is too. I
get her out of my notifications. I don't want
to hear that beacon when I'm sleeping. Mine is
too. I always do that. And I piss Val off because
I miss a lot of calls. Now, my alarm, it goes
off. Even with the notifications turned off.
That's all I need. No, no, no, me too. Yeah,
and that's all I need at 4 -2 at night is waking
up. But usually I wake up 10 minutes before anyhow.
It's like clockwork. But if I didn't, I got to
back up. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, you know what
I mean. Usually about a half hour before. Yeah,
me too, and going, oh, fuck, should I even try
to? It's a crapshoot whether I'm just going to
go ahead and go back to bed for the 10 minutes
or if I'm going to stay awake. Normally I just
stay awake. I'm like, you know what? If I go
back to bed, I'm going to wake up feeling like
shit. I feel reasonably okay. So I'll get out
and, you know, try to linger around slowly. You
know what I mean? Instead of just jumping right
out. I at least try. Yeah, me too. If it doesn't
work. Well, now I got this. Oh, go ahead. No,
I mean, I try to go back to bed. Oh, okay. Well,
what I've been doing lately is. Get that extra
10. Get that extra 10. I can't blame you there.
I wish I could. You're going to need it. Well,
when I was younger, I could do that. But now
as I get older, I don't know. It's like I know
I have to get up in 10 minutes. So it's like
my mind is like, no, you're going to stay awake,
dickhead. You're going to feel like shit. To
be honest, I do have days like that. I do. Well,
I'll tell you what makes it easier is I have
this. They're becoming more common. I get it.
This recliner, I got this in the Talk is Cheap
studio now, really helps me, like, have a little
bit more sleep in the morning. Like, sometimes
I'll wake up an hour before. I'll come in here
and just, like, scoot all the way back on my
recliner and usually take about a 20, 25 -minute
nap and feel pretty good afterwards. Oh, but
anyhow, we're going to wrap up the group chat
really quick and then get to you. But my trick
is this right here. You tell them your chat is
messed up and only part of it populates your
screen. And then finally you go, I can't take
this anymore. I don't know what anybody's saying.
I'll talk to you guys personally. Works like
a charm until they hear this. All right, Rob,
let's turn it over to you. Okay. Well, I ran
across the world's strongest beer. And wait until
you hear about it. Okay. Some food is meant to
be enjoyed. Other foods are meant to be endured.
From the bomb, the ultra hot sauce that makes
some celebrities... on hot ones to the dangerous
one -tip challenge. You can make a good amount
of money by selling unpalatably intense foods
for people who eat on camera. The usual approach
is to make it incredibly spicy, but there's more
than one way to make a TikToker squirm. Okay.
Scottish Beether Fire, the strongest beer in
the world, easily proves. Scottish Beether Fire
isn't the kind of beer you might pop open at
a cookout and drink with your buddies. Each bottle
costs roughly $62, and that doesn't even count
almost as much for shipping. Wow. That is insane.
That's more than some brands of vodka. Yep. The
brew gets its name from a dragon -like creature
from Scottish folklore, even though in an ironic
twist, the beeper doesn't actually breathe fire.
Then again, Scottish beeper fire carries enough
heat for both itself and its namesake. barley
ale that gets brewed for two months before being
blended with powerful spirits and filtered to
make it an ultra pure it will absolutely clobber
you I bet it does serving it in a small 35 -millimeter
milliliter glass with cherry syrup and a lime
juice to help it go down easier. But the publicity
that those user reaction videos create... and
smokiness. With a very malted barley -like finish.
Sounds good. Rear Review had a somewhat different
opinion. It tastes like burning, he said. My
tongue is now numb. Maybe it's not quite as painful
as the spiciest instant ramen on the market.
Oh, I've heard about those. ABV stands for by
volume, yeah. Wow. You know what? I usually like
trying stuff like that, but to me that sound
does not sound that good. Yeah. Yeah, does not.
Okay, thank you, Rob. Well, should we go ahead
and take our first break and come back with some
emails? Sounds good. That's what we're going
to do. We'll talk to you guys in a minute. A
long time ago, there was this party house, and
this is when I worked at Justin's Steakhouse.
Oh, yeah. Okay, and all of us partied at night,
and the guy that worked there, he... He lived
back behind Jess and Jim's. And anyhow, he was
divorced. So he had kind of like a party house
back there. So me and a buddy of mine were sitting
back there one night, and we're bored as hell.
So we're daring each other to do stupid shit.
So I told him, I said, all right, I forgot what
he dared me. He probably ran around the block
naked or something like that. Something stupid,
you know, clucking like a chicken or like, I
don't know. You know, just stuff that we could
come up with that we could do. So I'm looking
around. I look next door. And I guess there's
like some party or something going on. And neither
one of us heard about it. So we're the only two
tool bags sitting here at that party house. We're
just sitting there going, fuck, man, this is
boring as hell. So, you know, we're doing this
stupid shit that we're daring each other to do.
I look out and there's a house next to it with
this little porch. I go, hey, go out there, take
a dump on the porch, light it on fire, bang on
a door, and then come back. Sure. No problem.
So, hey, I'm sitting there and I see this silhouette
of a moonlight, this shadowy figure fucking squatting.
See these fucking couple of turds come out. And
see him fucking throw up his shorts real quick.
And all this is just a shadowy figure. Then I
see him stooped over. It took him a long time
to get this fucker lit. I see him over there
laboring. And I'm like, oh, shit. So then he,
like, throws some leaves or some shit on it.
And finally I see this little flame. And I see
this, like, he kind of clenches up like, yeah!
And all of this is shadowing, right? So, anyhow.
I'm like, ah, good, good job, well done. So he
comes back, he sits down, and we're sitting there
waiting, waiting, waiting, nothing. We both end
up passing out. So at 3 in the morning, I wake
up, and I see, like, this glow. It's kind of
an orange glow through the blinds. What the hell?
And I hear a bunch of rustling and shit and people
talking. All of a sudden, it dawned on me. Oh,
shit, he burnt down the house next door. Oh,
my God. So, yeah, I get up, I go over there,
and there's like four firefighters with this
hose, and a guy standing out there shaking his
head, and they're all laughing because someone
shed his shit on their porch, lit it, and it
caught their porch on fire because nobody fucking
answered the door. They were probably sound asleep.
Maybe they're on sleeping pills or something.
I'm like, dude, dude, wake up. He's like, oh,
fuck, man. I'm on probation. I'm going to go
to jail. I'm like, dude, calm down. It didn't
burn the house down, man. Nobody died or nothing.
Listen, they're all out there laughing and stuff.
And the homeowner's like shaking his head like,
who the fuck did this? So anyhow. The apocalypse
just happened. You don't know what to do. In
an apocalypse, you will probably need a good
insecticide. Soybean, corn, and peppermint oil
are some plant extracts that create powerful
natural insecticides. They are some of nature's
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integrated pest management on their crops or
on... Their person. This is Joshua Belmont, your
food for thought man on The Hustle. So I just
realized a genius that gets absolutely no credit.
His name is Marshall Taylor. He's credited with
the first bag of salad mix that was bagged and
sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe he
is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
bladders for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Hey, my fellow heavy
breeders, this is Dash Riptide, your music news.
Tony Omi, the godfather of metal. is featured
in the new limited docuseries Iommi, the godfather
of heavy metal which streams exclusively on Gibson
TV with the first volume released in early 2026.
The series from Gibson Films explores his life,
the origins of Black Sabbath, and his immense
influence on metal music. A deep dive into Iommi's
life, including his formative years in Birmingham,
the extent that shaped his guitar sound, and
the birth of Black Sabbath. Interviews with other
legendary musicians like Brian May, Rob Halford,
Slash, and Zach Wilder also featured. Don't miss
it. This is Gash Rooktine, and that was your
music news. If it's too loud, you probably have
ear damage, just like me. We appreciate you taking
the time to listen and share your opinion. Our
podcast isn't meant to appeal to everyone, and
that's okay. We focus on honest conversation,
humor, and perspective. Even when it's rough
around the edges, constructive criticism is always
welcome. But dismissing something just because
it isn't your style doesn't really reflect its
value. to the people who do enjoy it. We're proud
of what we're building, and we'll keep refining
it as we go. Or, my only other suggestion is
for you to go fuck yourself. Oh, hey, look at
the time. It's time for the crazy -ass word of
the day. Cito -cito -hypo -paraphyroidism. Hey,
you yankers. We often think many things are just
true because we've heard it our whole lives.
That's why here at Two Douchebags and Microphone,
we developed the segment, Not True. We investigate
and uncover the real truth of what happened.
Common thought for years was that if someone
was to throw a penny off the Empire State Building
and it was to hit somebody, it would kill them.
The fact is, dropped pennies from the Empire
State Building will not kill a person. It would
leave an incredibly painful red mark, but should
not kill you. Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Hurry up. Kim Jong -un is playing Santa at the
mall again this year. Yay! Two douchebags and
microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob
at Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and Water Track, and also
home of Hickam's Country Store, where you can
find all your needs, including the selfie with
the Sinclair dinosaur. All right. I love the
selfie with the Sinclair dinosaur. You are. You're
doing great. I love the you can take a selfie
with the Sinclair dinosaur because that's what
everybody does. That's right. You got to go to
Hickam's. First, you go in and you buy you a
burrito with the queso. Add the queso. Oh, yes.
You got to add the queso. That makes the burrito
so much better. You have a priest bless the inside
of your vehicle. after that and then uh you go
to dino and you take a cell phone right down
the street so yeah you're good so there you go
yep you even have a car wash there in case you
get a rogue hail storm getting ready to beat
down all over your car so there you go or or
you have to clean out the inside of your car
yeah that's true yeah because of uh yeah because
of that burrito you may have to come back around
and clean out the inside of your car but they
are good They're very good. Oh, and I forgot
to mention, they also do have a pet wash. Oh,
they do. Yeah, yeah, the pet wash. And also,
I have a theory. Remember up there in Osceola,
coming back from Eureka Springs a few months
ago? Yeah. And I told you about I got out to
put in gas at that truck stop, and there's like
30 piles of puke. It could be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Probably had to know what it was, yeah. That's
what it was. All right. We got some emails, Rob.
All right. All right, sounds good. All right.
This is a test email. If this was an actual email,
I would have told you both to fuck off. Vinny
and Nola. I kind of like that. It worked? It
worked. Your test email works. It's no longer
a test. It's live. So Vinny and Nola. Can't wait.
again yeah yeah yes and hey oh he's in nola yeah
say hi to my cousin josh he lives in nola yep
he's a guy that walks around in a bunny costume
it's really cool right no that's not it okay
forget that scratch that i was wrong i was wrong
i was wrong oh wrong cousin okay that's the cousin
i don't admit to Oh, okay. All right. So no bunny
costume. Hey, Vinny, I want to know, do you prefer
hand grenades or hurricanes? Which drink do you
prefer? I am in firm corner of the hand grenade
is much better. It's not nearly as sweet. as
the hurricane the hurricane's too sweet for that
much alcohol it's fucking lethal now a hand grenade
will kick your ass too but at least you don't
get sick from all the sweet so if you if you
listen to this write us back and let us know
vinnie we'd love to know and also can i stay
at your place when we come down there Yeah, please.
Yeah, we want to save a couple of bucks, so could
we just, you got like a back part of the house
or basement or something? Oh, no, they don't
have basements there. Attic or something, I don't
know. All right. Have you all ever considered
sending samples of your show into a radio station?
I think it would peak, and he spelled peak, he
spelled peak the way it should be. with a QUE,
some interest. So, okay, here it is again. Have
you all ever considered sending samples of your
show to a radio station or stations? I think
it would be, it would pique some interest. Thank
you. I really enjoy the podcast. Emily in Denver.
Emily, thank you, but this type of a show would
never fly on radio ever, ever again. Right. No.
At the same time, Mark and I both have friends
in the radio business. And my friend has listened
to us, and he says we are doing great. And from
what Mark says, his friends say that we're unbelievable.
The emails. By themselves. It's unheard of. Nobody
has as many emails. Yeah, no, no. The emails
alone, I can't say too much. I almost got in
trouble. My friend is well established in radio
and also especially the podcasting section. And
he really can't be identified because it would
go against his contract, especially with the
new company that he's with. So, I can't really
reveal too much, but he said that the emails
alone, because he's worked for morning shows
before and good ones too. He said that the emails
alone that we generate is phenomenal. He said
that even the most popular shows don't generate
that many emails. People just don't take time
out of their day. He said the fact that people
feel personal and close enough to us to do that.
is phenomenal. So, yeah, I mean, yeah, it's tempting
to do that, but we would never get a job in radio.
And if we did, we would have to do like a minute
of ha -ha, oh, let's take a call, and then go
straight to songs. We'd rather do this. Am I
right? Yeah. We'd rather talk. Yeah, this is
what we do. So, yeah. It was just like, I think
it was Johnny Dare, his Facebook or Twitter,
whatever he has, I forgot. I think it's Facebook.
He probably has all of them, but I think this
is Facebook. It said, who else, you know, when
they got the report cards, said, he talks too
much. And I was like, yep, yep, me, Johnny, I'm
sure, you, Rob. Talk too much, right? That's
what we do. I thought that was pretty cool, though.
I was like, yeah, yeah. I always got that first.
It's like, yeah, if you give him the shut up,
he's not a bad kid. My problem is I say things
when I should. That's another problem of mine.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's just like Topher
had the No Filter Studio, which fit both of us
really good. But then he found out that somebody
has a No Filter Studio, so he had to come up
with something else. And I forgot what he called
it. It's another good name. I can't think of
it. So, all right. Okay, Mark. How do you keep
fresh in the nether regions all day? Jimmy and
O 'Fallon probably. Probably Missouri, I would
think, over near St. Louis. How do I keep fresh
in the nether regions? And you can answer, too.
He asked me, but you can answer, too. But mine
is ostrich blood. That's the way you keep fresh.
Yeah, that's my go -to. Yeah, that works the
best. Fresh ostrich blood, yes. Actually, I think
our old buddy Steve is over at Renovale. too
oh maybe it was steve oh no no it wasn't okay
this guy says his name is jimmy so maybe it's
not steve no we do we've gotten quite a few from
st louis and proper the whole area there so um
all right um oh and that's yours too ostrich
blood is your go -to yeah yeah yeah that's yeah
that's my go -to always on that There you go,
Jimmy. Ostrich blood. That's your answer. Smear
it all over the Netherlands down there. All over.
You know, ass crack, nuts, everything. P -hole.
Whatever you can get. Right in there. All right.
Next one. This is for both douches. Which is
better? A club sandwich or a Cuban sandwich?
I'd think a club sandwich without a fucking doubt.
Yeah. Club. Yeah, club. You get some mayo. You
get some cold cuts. You get lettuce, tomato.
Oh, yeah. because everything goes delicious together.
Yep. Thanks a lot. No, you didn't give a name.
Well, whoever you are, thanks a lot. You made
us hungry. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Mike, I'll be eating
when we get done. My wife is down there making
squash, kielbasa sausage, and noodles. Ooh, that
sounds perfect. That's like 50 degrees here in
the studio. Oh, pretty chilly, huh? Oh, that's
right. You have an older house. You don't have
any forced air up there, so it's going to be
50 degrees. Yeah, and the little electric heater
I've been bringing up here ain't big enough to
even touch me. It's like six inches away. All
right. Well, I'm not a big boy, but you know
what I mean. Yeah. I know what you mean. Sorry,
I had to almost cough there, so I had to, like,
stop. Anyhow, okay, that's what that was. All
right. Mark, I just read where Sharon said Ozzy
was being worked on and the medics were trying
desperately to bring him back, and Sharon said
she told him to stop and let him go. Why would
she do that? She wanted him alive, I'm pretty
sure. Tessa in Nebraska. I can tell you. So can
I go ahead with yours and then I'll give my answer?
Huh? Oh, I said go ahead with your answer and
then I'll go with mine. Okay, well, I read a
few stories about that. To be honest, that was
Ozzy's wishes. Yes. to resuscitate it was that
and i also believe there's a lot of this too
sharon saw what how miserable he was how bad
he felt day in day out and she wanted him out
of pain yes it's the most loving act you can
do to someone you love is to unfortunately just
like an animal sometimes you have to put them
out of their misery and it sucks and it's nothing
anyone wants to do ever But it is a basic thing
that you do to someone that you love. And it
sucks because we all are encountered with that
at least one time in our life. And that's one
time too many to have to deal with that. But
there you go. Yeah, that's why. Thank you, Rob.
I appreciate that. I agree with that 100%. Next
one. This is a food one today. No one's asked
about the food dude for a while. Okay, corn or
flour tortillas? I'm asking for a friend. Oh,
oh, oh, Rossington and Dallas. Okay, that's cool.
Flour. I like flour tortillas better. What about
you? Okay. Here's where I have to be difficult
on this. Okay. It depends on what you're having.
You know what? That is actually the best answer.
Depends on what you're having, Rossington. Yeah.
Well, today he's Rossington. Yeah, flour goes
good with some things, where corn would go better
with other things. That's true. That's true.
Okay. All right. I'm going to go with flour generally,
but what Rob said is true. Yeah. All right. Hey,
guys, if there's any way you can scramble my
voice, I'd love to call in some time. Ronnie
in Tulsa, the Tulsa King. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Okay, yeah. Ronnie, we will figure it out
for you, Ronnie. Don't worry about that. We will
figure it out for you. Yes. And also, I know
why you got to scramble your voice, so we will
make sure it gets done if you want to come on
here, because I am not going to do that to you.
I know. I know how. You know what? I'm not saying
anymore. That's it right there. Ronnie in Tulsa,
thank you. The Tulsa King, of course. Of course
we will. So you give me the nod, and I'll either
give you the number to call in or whatever you
need, or I can call you. And sure, we'll figure
out a way to scramble it. All right, I've got
a featured email, but let's go to your thing
first. And then we'll do this, okay? Because
we're going to probably have to have a new guy
explain it. So, go right ahead. Okay, okay. Well,
you know what time it is now. I think it's probably
bag of garbage time. Emails are done. Ah, there
we go. Oh, damn. I got shit flying out. I definitely
got to get to this. Oh, hell, see? Still haven't
done it yet. one of Hollywood's wildest award
season plot twists. She showed up in person to
accept the golden raspberry for worst actress
in All About Steve. Now, less than 24 hours later,
she was back on stage, this time clutching the
academy. the award for best actress in The Blind
Side from Razzie to Oscar in a single day. Talk
about rage. That's impressive. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.
24 hours. That's crazy. That is. That's cooler
than shit. And I love the fact that she did it
anyhow. You know, a raspberry is supposed to
be horrible and all that. She's like, I got an
award. I'm going to go. I think that's fucking
great. Yeah, she got the worst actress and then
turned around 24 hours later and got the best
actress. You know she had fun with that. She
did. She did. So anyhow, all right. Oh, Danny,
get your ass back in there. I think that thing
bit me. Pretty lively, huh? I've really got to
take it back. Oh, yes. This is a classic. Okay.
This is a classic. The Woodstock 99 Festival
intended to celebrate peace and music. is instead
remembered as a logistical and humanitarian disaster.
One of the most harrowing aspects of the event
involved the mud pits that formed near the main
stages. Thousands of festival goers, enduring
temperatures exceeding 100 degrees Fahrenheit,
dove into these pits to cool off. Wrestling and
sliding in, They assumed this was rainwater and
dirt. However, the reality was much more dangerous.
The festival's sanitation infrastructure was
woefully inadequate for the 200 ,000 -plus attendees.
As affordable toilets reached capacity and broke
down, The waste began to overflow and leak into
the ceramic soil. Compounding the issue, some
attendees purposely tipped over the units and
the water lines used for drinking and showers
were located in close proximity to the drainage
areas. The mud was actually a toxic mixture of
dirt and raw sewage. Many of those who played
in the pit soon suffered from severe skin rashes
and gastrointestinal illnesses. By the end of
the weekend, the site had become a public health
nightmare contributing to the chaotic and aggressive
atmosphere that eventually led to widespread
rioting and fires. Why don't you look at a picture
of a dude sick in it? Oh my, no, it is not cool.
Oh, there's a group of five of them smiling.
Yeah, no, dude. Yeah, wait till you read this.
Wait till you hear this. okay thank you rob um
like i said i've got a featured email here um
so i guess i'll go ahead and go into it all right
hey mark could you please explain cryptocurrency
i was looking at possibly investing some of my
inheritance in the market or maybe new guy this
person asked for new guy or maybe new guy could
explain that if you don't feel like it Hey, new
guy. Get your ass in here now. Yeah, let's make
it. Let's make it. Get in here, new guy, and
don't fuck around, and don't give me that condescending
look, you bastard. Here. Right here. He owes
us. Right here, dickhead. Here. You tell us.
Hey, I gave him another $25. I don't care what
he says. Oh, he better. Oh. I didn't know he
ripped you off again. I gave him another bag
of pencil shavers. I gave him another $25. $75
total. Come on. He's taking advantage of us,
Rob. He is winning. I swear. So, all right. New
guy, get your ass over here and explain what
cryptocurrency is. Hello, this is the new guy.
I guess these two idiots want me to explain cryptocurrency.
Well, it's a type of digital or virtual currency
that uses cryptography for security, unlike traditional
money issued by governments such as dollars or
euros. Cryptocurrencies are decentralized. They're
typically built on blockchain technology, a distributed
ledger managed by a network of computers called
nodes. Transactions are secured and verified
using cryptography techniques, making them very
hard to alter or counterfeit. No single entity
like a bank or government controls the currency.
The blockchain network collectively manages it.
A public, transparent record of all transactions.
Every block contains a list of recent transactions.
and blocks are chained together in chronological
order. Bitcoin, the first and most well -known
cryptocurrency, introduced in 2009. Ethereum
enables smart contracts and decentralized applications.
Other examples include Cardano, Solana, and Ripple
apps. So, there you guys go. So, these two idiots
can leave me the fuck alone. Bye. Hey everybody,
this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some
tips for life. When you want to save a park bench,
but you have to come back to it, just carry one
paint sign, and bam, you'll have the bench all
of your soap when you get back. Hello, this is
Phineas J. Altaris III. I'm here to deliver your
music news this evening. Faith No More and Mr.
Bungle lead singer Mike Patton was falsely identified
as a sexual predator in Ohio. A person that has
Mike's same name confused Google AI and then
identified the singer as a predator. Mike Patton,
the singer, is working on getting the false information
scrubbed off the internet. This is only the tip
of the iceberg. This is Phineas J. Baltar S.
III. That has been your music news for this evening.
I have one burning question for you all. Do people
really skip around the Maypole? Hey, look. I
think we found land. Oh, my God. I think we're
safe. Oh, no. It's an island of horrible jokes.
What do you call a factory that just makes okay
products? A Satisfactory. Since the dawn of time,
weird shit has happened. Strange occurrences,
unexplained phobias, and other odd happenings.
Over the next minute, we would like to bring
you odd, rare phobias and conditions. Harlequin
ichthyosis is a genetic disorder that babies
are born with a thickened skin nearly over its
entire body. The skin forms a large diamond trapezoid
rectangle -shaped plates that are separated by
deep cracks. These affect the shape of the eyelids,
nose... Ears, mouth, and limit the movement of
the arms and legs. There are treatment options,
finally. The survival rate is much higher. Your
mama's so fat, she makes Godzilla look like an
etching figure. As much fun as an electric can
opener to the scrotum, two douchebags and a microphone.
People often ask, how do we cram so much money
into one little show? Well, it's simple. We buy
funny in bulk on the internet. Hey, Mark, you're
wanted at the front door. There's a big bag of
funny they need you to sign for. Okay, thanks
a lot. I'll be right there. I'm still sorting
out the funny we got from yesterday. There's
your answer. We buy funny in bulk on the internet.
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for
brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
There's a small island in the South Pacific where
people actually talk with eye movements. Hey,
if you're a fan of paying way too much for trinkets
and food, well, your wish is coming true. Kansas
City International Airport Guest Pass program
is starting today. Yes, you too could overspend
on workless trinkets and $15 cups of coffee.
You want to buy a $50 cheap T -shirt that has
KC Western Auto Building image on it? We got
you covered. Want a barbecue sauce gift pack?
No problem. Just a mere $40 on your first point.
Hurry. You know rubes are jumping all over to
get to this complete ripoff. Because people are
sheep.