Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. We talk. You watch the news.
It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable? We
suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have posted
a podcast. Make sure and have plenty of rope.
Strong, threaded, durable rope with a rating
of 400 pounds or greater. You need to know basic
knots, so you can go to the library and download
the Boy Scouts Handbook and have a reference
to slip knots and other essential rope tricks.
Rope can be used in traps to catch food. or would
-be predators. Rope is a key ingredient in post
-apocalypse survival. Hello, this is Phineas
J. Altaris III. I'm here to deliver your music
news this evening. We have some sad news for
everybody. Bob Weir, the co -founder and guitarist
for The Grateful Dead, has passed away at the
age of 78. Bob, we hope you're grateful, because
you're definitely dead. Rest in peace, Mr. Weir.
This is Phineas J. Baltar S. III. That has been
your music news for this evening. I have one
burning question for you all. Do people really
skip around the Maypole? Hi, all. This is Chicago.
I am the most dangerous city in North America.
You can't touch me. Oh yeah? This is Kansas City
here. Hold my beer, bitch. Hey everybody, this
is Uncle Rob. I'm gonna give you some tips for
life. Freeze grapes instead of ice cubes. To
use as ice cubes, that way your bourbon and coke
will remain mixed to perfection. And your drink
will never get water. Mama's so fat, she makes
Godzilla look like an etching figure. And now
we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Why, excuse me, my dear sir.
Could you please direct me to the nearest self
-employed person in a motorized vehicle that
will transport me where I ask them to in exchange
for money and a tip? Do you mean an Uber ride?
Why, yes. Yes, I do mean an Uber ride. Then just
say an Uber ride, you dumb motherfucker. And
why are you constantly following me around asking
me stupid questions? Fucking idiot. Ms. Gulkenstein
was tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of
her. Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
here are the adventures of rob the capuchin monkey
shh be very quiet we're gonna listen in as rob
the capuchin monkey tries to sell the rest of
the capuchin monkeys amway rob has always dreamed
of becoming a diamond status amway as a capuchin
monkey Little did our hero Rob know. All the
great apes owned stock in Sam's Club and became
violently pissed off when he tried to infringe
on their territory. They promptly grabbed switches
and beat his ass for three days straight. Rob
could not sit down. This is Two Douchebags in
Microphone. We are a very popular podcast. that
just received over a million downloads, and we're
very happy about that. Yes, I know there's other
podcasts that download fucking 10 million a day.
We're not those guys. We're just a couple of
guys doing this. Me, Rob Rad, and Topher all
do this as a part -time deal. You know, it's
a hobby for us. And for a hobby for us and us
to be amateurs, per se, and to hit over a million
is quite remarkable. So we thank everybody for
listening. Please keep spreading the word. I
mean, if someone doesn't listen, hit them in
the face really hard with a rock until they do.
No, I'm just joking. Don't do that. But anyhow,
my name is Mark. I am one of the co -hosts of
this podcast. The other two I just mentioned,
but you'll hear from one of them after I get
done here. And I live in the Kansas City area,
and I am at the Talk is Cheap studio, is what
I like to call this. And we're getting ready
to do this here podcast called Two Douchebags
and a Microphone. So I like to make goat noises
too. So here we go. And I am Rob in Wheatland,
Missouri. If you don't know where it's at, Google
it. Home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway.
And the burritos that make you tear up the interior
of your car, but they're so good. Oh, my God.
Like I said, next time, order the queso sauce.
I'm going to. Oh, it's awesome. I remember on
the way home, I had to have the back windows
down. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, those
burritos, they taste great, but they hit you
hard a little bit sometimes. I didn't know. I
did not see the queso. But the next time I'm
there... Oh, you gotta order it. You gotta order
it. Oh, okay. You just ask for it. They have
it for other meals. Yeah, you see it's a cafe.
So they have it for other meals. You just gotta
order it. Oh. I found out because I am now a
local. Okay, I didn't know. I didn't know. But
Hickmo's is a kick -ass place. Like we were saying,
it's like a mini... It's a mini Buc -ee's. Yeah,
seriously. Really unique place. And it's funny,
you know, we just kind of found this out organically
because I was talking about my friends that we
met down there, you know, at Lucas Oil Speedway
in Wheatland. Yeah. And they got there a day
before us. We had some plumbing issues, so we
couldn't leave the day of. And I'm glad we did
now. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
Because that day, they had large supercells all
over that part of Missouri. They had softball,
baseball, and golf ball -sized hail, and multiple
large tornadoes. And they were right in the middle
of that bullshit. And before this huge hailstorm
hit, they happened to hear it on the radio. They
went to Hickmo's and went in their car wash and
kept their car there until all the hail... went
by, I think, at that particular place. It wasn't
softball, but it was golf ball. And it beat the
shit out of everyone else's vehicle, except theirs,
because they got there. And that was at Hickmo's.
Hey, another thing about Hickmo's car wash, they
have added a new feature. They have an animal
wash. They have a room where you take your animals
and wash your animals. What if you have a giraffe?
Seriously, it's right there at the car wash.
I want to have a giraffe. I want to have a pet
giraffe, and I want to take it to that animal
wash and see what happens. Oh, okay. Oh, well,
it's a thought. If I was a billionaire, I would
own a giraffe and walk it around town. But, you
know, I'm getting to know everybody up there.
I'm saying, hey, we want to take a giraffe up.
Oh, and I would put, like, I would put, like,
those little shorts. They know about the podcast,
so. Okay. I would put those little Angus Young
boy shorts on my giraffe. Yeah. A straw hat and
a tank top. And what would his name be? Reggie?
Reggie. Reggie. Reggie the giraffe. Oh, yeah.
Oh, one can only dream, Rob. Right? Hey, I'm
at B &M building a bigger, taller roof on it.
That'd be great. It's on our town at like 377.
You're walking them in your backyard, and let's
say it's around here somewhere. And I have like
the palm trees like they do down in the Dallas
area. They have the electrodes on the roots.
So if it gets cold, you heat them up. Now the
leaves die off of them, but then they come back
next spring. So you essentially can keep palm
trees alive up here and in the Dallas area and
all that. So once we walk by all the palm trees
and everything, we get to my giraffe area. Yes,
that would be great. So, anyhow, alright, I gotta
get off there. Alright, so my well -documented
hatred towards the sleazy concert industry has
hit a fever pitch. This bullshit I just read
illustrates this completely. Ticketmaster's Michael
Rapinoe was quoted as saying that if anything,
concerts are underpriced. How the fuck does this
dickhead get this kind of thought? I can tell
you where, but I want to hear your thought, Rob.
Where do you think this idiot gets off on this?
Thinking that concerts are underpriced. The fucking
Eagles are charging $1 ,500 for a shitty ticket.
Yeah, it's really fucking irritating. Yeah, it's
really fucking irritating hearing this from this
idiot. My opinion, all this. Oh, that, fuck him.
I wouldn't see him anyhow. I would wipe my ass
with his do -rag. You're right, Rob. Rob, that
is a... No, that's a great... Man, dude, that
is a fantastic opinion, and I agree with it 100%.
He's supposed to be the little guy. He's supposed
to be the guy right next door. He's the guy who
went to Vietnam. His album cover, he was wearing
blue jeans, white t -shirt. Yeah, and a bandana
hanging out, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That
had the American flag on it. Okay. He was a guy
that went... Yeah, he was a guy that went to
Vietnam. This is a podcast. You can say whatever
you want. Fuck, shit, piss, cocksucker, whatever.
No, I mean, he's supposed to be the guy next
door. He's supposed to be one of us. He's like,
yeah, I got thrown in Vietnam. I didn't want
to, you know. Went down to see the VA man. He
said, boy, don't you understand? Yeah. Born in
the USA. And then how does he get off charging
this much for tickets? Yeah, fuck him. I never
did like him, and I still don't. Only this just
amplifies it, you know. It's just like, what
a douchebag. Yeah. Yeah, I would love to see
him in person one time. I'd love to ask him.
I'd go, hey, Mr. Springsteen. All right, you're
the little guy, right? You're just like me, right?
Yeah, okay. I'd love to see him in person one
time, just pop him in the jaw. I want to wipe
my ass with his do -rag. I want to take his do
-rag off his fucking head and wipe my ass with
it. I'd go, here you go, Mr. Springsteen. Here's
you and your fucking tickets. And besides that,
Bruce Springsteen is one of these guys that thinks
you want to hear his opinion on everything. I
don't know how he got that idea. I mean, I still
love the thought, and I hear it every week. Oh,
that's a stupid saying. No, shut up and sing.
I don't want to hear what you think about anything.
I don't think that you're a poet. I don't think
that you're a genius. I think that you're somebody
that has a talent that is good, and you ought
to just stick to that. Yeah, you get that big
a population, everybody blends in. Yeah, no,
you're right. So, I'll tell you where this dickhead,
in my opinion, this dickhead, what the fuck his
name, Michael Rapinoe, I'll tell you where he
got his idea from, why he thinks it's underpriced,
the NFL. It's blueprint to grab every penny from
Joe fan base that they possibly can. That's where
he got this idea from. Yeah. You know, sadly,
I'm waiting for these con artists to start having
PSLs for concert. And that is a private seat
license. And that is one of the big issues about
the new Arrowhead Stadium is they're going to
have PSLs. private seat licenses before you can
buy your season tickets. So every year you got
to pay for that private seat license just to
have the privilege in air quotations of buying
your overpriced season ticket. So basically what
they're doing is they're shoving the guy out
that struggled to get those tickets and saved
up enough money just to have one thing he enjoys
in life. and they're taking it all away from
him and saying, fuck you. You're not welcome
here anymore. We want somebody with bigger pockets.
Get out of here. We don't want your three Bud
Lights. We want this guy buying from the buffet.
We want this guy buying from all this stuff.
We want him to buy all our services and pay all
these extraordinary prices because the guy that
saved up his money all year just to go have a
season ticket to something that he loves. They
don't care. They're like, get out of here. We
don't want you. And that's the bullshit that's
going on in concerts, too, like the Eagles charging
that much and Springsteen charging that much.
And none of them, not even the Eagles, are any
of them even originals? No, I don't think any
of them are originals. Isn't there, let's see,
who were the originals? Don Henley wasn't an
original, was he? Yeah, but he's not with us.
Oh, it doesn't even have Don Henley with him?
Oh, fuck. Well, I don't know. I don't know. Glenn
Frey can't be with him. I don't even pay attention
to this. I can't afford to go see him. No, I'm
not going to go. I could maybe squeeze out that
money. No, I'm not going. Fuck that. No, I've
got better things to spend my money on than that
bullshit. God damn it. Triumph in April. Why?
We're going to see him. Yes. And you know what?
I mean, I'm disappointed that... Triumph can't
play all of their set because they have health
elements. But at least they're admitting it and
they have a backup band to take over somewhere
in there. And I don't care. It's just going to
be them up there. You know, at first I was irritated
by it and said, ah, I don't want to go because
it's not live. But, you know, not really live.
But at least they're trying to do something.
And another thing is they didn't have to go on
tour. They're all right. They don't need the
money. They did it because they felt like they
owed it to the fans that were clamoring for them
for years, saying, hey, we want to see you guys.
And I've been reading about this. And didn't
they add April Wine? Hell yeah, we're there.
Yeah, when they added April Wine, that proved
to me that they love us. Well, they know. They
know their fan base really well. I mean, April
Wine was one of those... Yeah, it's gotten out
that they're both were actually underrated bands.
Even though Triumph made it big, they're still
considered an underrated band. Yes. And look
at April Wine. Everybody I know that knows anything
about April Wine says the same thing. My friend
Brian Thompson or Brian Mark, that's his stage
name. Really good musician that I know. Really
good guy. He plays in Moji Moji and a bunch of
other bands. And I think he's also solo. He said
the same thing about them, because I mentioned
April Rhine, and he's like, oh, my God, I love
them. They were so underrated. And, you know,
and then Davey's like, everybody I know that
knows music really well loves that band and agrees
that they were criminally underrated. So I don't
know what happened. I mean, they got radio play.
I just don't know what happened. I mean, like,
Sign of the Gypsy Queen was actually a pretty
good hit. Oh, my God. And around town. Yeah.
But anyhow, all right. So, all right. So, you
know, the PSLs are coming, I'm certain, because
you can see what they feel is a big moneymaker.
Look no further than right here in Missouri.
Here in the Kansas City area, we have the brand
new Morton Amphitheater on the river, followed
by the now being built. amphitheater, a 5 ,000
seat concert venue in downtown Kansas City at
the old Barney Alice Plaza spot. They knocked
it all down and they're making a park. Oh, really?
Yeah, but there's going to be an amphitheater
downtown now and it's going to be where the Barney
Alice Plaza used to be. So, between Morton Amphitheater
and The downtown amphitheater at the Barney Alice,
they're about six miles away, and they're both
brand new. So they expect a lot of concerts to
come through, and they're going to be ripping
off a lot of people, in my opinion. Or you can
also, since we're speaking about Missouri, how
about Thunder Ridge Amphitheater south of Branchon?
The Thunder Ridge is huge. Have you seen it?
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So there's a lot of concerts
that are going to be going there. And there's
also the Black Oak Amphitheater in Lampy, not
very far away from there either. Yeah, you can
see the concert industry is amping up. And one
of the reasons that the concert industry is so
strong right now is one thing that musicians
can make a lot of money off of. They're not doing
it off their music so much anymore. You have
to be top of the top to really sell a lot of
downloads to make any money. But all the bands
that we knew growing up with, probably like Guns
N' Roses just put out a new song, I'll bet you
they made virtually nothing off of that. So what
they're doing is they're just supporting their
new tour that's coming up here in a couple of
months. They're touring this summer and fall,
and they're doing a huge, massive tour of America,
at least. I'm not sure if it's going to be worldwide,
but they're doing it to support their concert.
They're not doing it thinking that the new song,
which is a hit, and it's called Nothing, without
the G on the end of it, so it's nothing, is actually
a hit. But I guarantee it's generating virtually
nothing monetarily. And that's the way that industry
has went. So, but still, they don't have to rip
people off like this. I mean, as far as I saw,
GNR was not too bad about their tickets. Motley
Crue can't be too overpriced because, I mean,
you know, heroin addicts don't have any money,
right? Right. Yeah, so, anyhow, allegedly. So,
anyhow. It is a family word. What is? I've been
hanging out with my cousin and his wife and their
kids. Kids as friends. Yeah, their word is allegedly.
Allegedly is going around. I hear a lot of people
using that now. And I'd like to think it came
from us because that's what we constantly do
just as fun or to cover our asses, allegedly,
allegedly, allegedly. Mainly to cover our asses,
allegedly. Allegedly, yes. We allegedly cover
our asses with that. So, true. You know, I'm
so sick of the concert industry that I will never
promote any more concerts on this show and the
dates on this show ever again. Because remember
how I was doing the Midwest concert update and
all that? I'm not going to do that unless they
pay me. Fuck them. They're not going to make
a dime off of this podcast. Because they don't
give me any favors. They like to price me out.
No, no, no. They want to price me out of the
business, so fuck them. I'm not doing that anymore.
I did that last year thinking it'd be cool. And
then after, you know, the straw that tipped it
was right here. The Glenn Hughes concert being
fucking canceled again. And then the fucking
place, the ticket outlets like, oh, well, we're
not going to give your money back. We're going
to give you credit. I'm like, well, I don't want
to deal with you fucks anymore. Well, too bad.
You're just getting credit. It's bullshit. I
fucking hate them. So I'm never going to do business
with them again. And I'm not going to promote
them again either. I mean, honestly. I love live
music, but I hope the fucking industry drives
up so bad that they can't do anything anymore.
I would love to see Ticketmaster and fucking
Live Nation go out of business. That would be
beautiful to me. Allegedly and all that stuff.
So, a little bit different. I had a friend tell
me that if you go to a dog shelter and get a
dog, you're a hero. But if you go to a woman's
shelter looking for a chick, suddenly you're
a creep. It is, isn't it? Yes. And all the women
out there. And I warned everybody. I said, Rob's
going to be gone. He's going to get snapped up.
You better fucking bring it. It's happening.
It's happening. And he got snapped up. So all
you ladies to the show, too bad. He's gone. So,
Rob, you got anything to say to him? Sorry. Good
enough. So yesterday I was in the Talk is Cheap
studio and I was attempting to practice some
chords on my Jackson Fly MV. But it had other
thoughts. I hit the third string down. Yes. I
hit the third string down and it snapped off
and impaled itself firmly in my right cheek.
The one on my face. Oh, it fucking sucked. There
I am sitting there with this fucking guitar string
stuck in my cheek. And I'm like really carefully
trying to set the guitar on my lap gently so
it doesn't rip anything. So I'm like sitting
there. I got the guitar just balanced just right.
And I take my hand off of it, throw the pick
on the ground, and got it out of there. I was
like, fuck. I could see that going incredibly
wrong, but it didn't. But I have a question for
you, Rob. You know Transformers, right? Okay.
Human to car, car to human, right? Okay. Do Transformers
have auto or life insurance? Any guesses? I'm
asking... I would say auto. I'd say auto, too.
Because they are not living beings. They are
machinery. Well, and also... My thought is this,
too. They're not required to have life insurance,
but if you're going to drive, you're required
to have auto insurance. Right, right, right.
So, yeah, so they'd have to have it. Yeah, they
need to get auto insurance. Yeah. Life insurance,
no, because they're not living deep. Okay. So,
yeah. Okay. Sounds good to me. I think that's
a good answer. All right, Rob, I have spoken
enough. You have some stuff you want to get to.
Yeah. Please, be my guest. This was a pretty
cool one. Okay. And it's another one that once
I loved the board game. Okay. And suddenly find
yourself in a live action reboot of Little House
on the Prairie. Because in Texas, apparently,
expect more, pay less. That includes lifestyle.
Okay. Okay. Okay. True. casually documenting
a Tuesday error. No explanation. No irony. This
is happening. Well, didn't he get kicked out
or anything? Or did they let him stay? Let me
go on. Okay. Yes. Okay. It drops a series of
aisle grenades right on the floor. Aisle grenades.
That's fucking funny. That'd be awesome. I love
that one. I love that one. I would dare people
to pet the gator, too. I go, hey, his name's
Sammy. Come on over here. Here, here, here. He's
really gentle. Put your hand in there. Snap.
Oh, man, I'm sorry. I didn't think he was going
to bite your finger off. I apologize. Sammy,
now give it back. I'm getting a gator. I'm going
starboard. There we go. We got some emails to
get to. Sound good? All right. Do you want to
take a break? Yep. All righty. We shall return
here after this stuff. Hey, peeps. It's time
for the police blotter. That's right. Stories
about stupid criminals and the dumb assness that
ensued. Let us begin now. In September 2025,
a Canadian man was arrested for DUI while attempting
to drive a Barbie Jeep. Not only did the scaled
-down Jeep stand out, not it would only go five
miles an hour. The police chase ended quickly.
The subject, George Fizzulli, did not get his
six -pack. But did get a free Uber ride with
lights a -flashing straight to jail. Hey, look!
I think we found land. Oh my God, I think we're
safe. Oh no! It's an island of horrible jokes.
Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks with
them when they golf? In case they get a hole
in one. Hey, you yankers. We often think many
things are just true because we've heard it our
whole lives. That's why here at Two Douchebags
and Microphone, we developed the segment, Not
True. We investigate and uncover the real truth
of what happened. We've heard for years that
Einstein was so intelligent he could not figure
out how to tie his shoe. The fact is, he disliked
wearing socks. He would put socks over his shoes
to avoid tying them. He believed tying shoelaces
was an incredible waste of time. So were Crocs
when Einstein needed them. Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. In Tulipo, Mississippi,
a structural steel company built a small bridge
to go over a pothole that had been on the road
for three years. Have you ever wondered what
something came about? Have you ever looked at
something and said, hmm, I wonder what the origin
of that is? Well, so have we. That's why we give
you The Origin of. The Origin of Lysol. Lysol
first came to prominence after it was used in
Hamburg, Germany to help combat cholera epidemic
in the late 19th century. It was later touted
as a way to fight the devastating flu epidemic
of 1918. An ad in the Los Angeles Times that
year said, help your health board conquer Spanish
influenza by disinfecting your home. Two douchebags
and microphone in an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you first world problems. The
ATM wants me to make a new PIN number for security
purposes. I don't have an extra two minutes.
I need my Starbucks. I'm having the worst day
ever. Since the dawn of time, weird shit has
happened. Strange occurrences, unexplained phobias,
and other odd happenings. Over the next minute,
we would like to bring you odd, rare phobias
and conditions. Harlequin ichthyosis is a genetic
disorder that babies are born with a thickened
skin nearly over its entire body. The skin forms
a large diamond trapezoid rectangle shaped plates
that are separated by deep cracks. These affect
the shape of the eyelids, nose, ears, mouth and
limit the movement of the arms and legs. There
are treatment options finally. The survival rate
is much higher. Rob Rad, a man, is sort of mad.
Rob consumed small doses of radiation for 30
years. Rob is immune to radiation. Watch him
glow. Watch Rob Rad jump up 25 feet and grab
birds out of thin air with his mouth. With his
mouth. Rob can now be rented for children's parties
and bar mitzvahs. That's right. Come on and rent
you a Rob today. That's right. Come by and rent
Rob for a day. A day. A day. Watch Rob consume
seven bottles of night cream and still break
dance and moonwalk. Watch Rob Red. Fart down
a building. Fart down a building. Rob Red assumes
no responsibility whatsoever. He is not a babysitter
and he doesn't give one hell of a shit about
your children. Please remember to corral every
little bastard you have. Before Rob gets there,
and Walt will not put up with any backtalk, he
will promptly get them in the place. Rob Braddock
assumes no responsibility for anything that could
be stolen from his visit. Rob Braddock has no
responsibility whatsoever in any help him of
any situation. We're going to rob today. Two
douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark. Here in
the Kansas City Metroplex at the Talk is Cheap
studio. That was a horrible, horrible goat noise.
Let me try that again. I think your goat has
COVID. I think so, too. Is that better? Cool.
Oh, yeah, the green Sinclair dinosaur. I always
had to go to Lamardi's in Lamar to do that. Now
I could go to Wheatland and do that. That would
be all right. Actually, I think... We do it so
many times, you lose track of the original vigor
that you do it with, you know? First, I'm like,
oh, yeah. Yeah. Rob, I'm sorry. I started that.
I just wanted to go to the end of doing more
and more, and now you're going crazy. True, true.
All right, I got some emails here. You want to
hear them? Yes, I do. All righty. Mark, a few
shows back you gave out a phone number to call
in. Do you have the same number for the regular
douchebag show? Also, give that number out too,
please, and thank you. You're the best. Matt,
another please and thank you. You're the best.
I'll look it up. I'm sorry. I've got the number
written down somewhere. It's an internet number,
so it's not my main number. I'll do it, and then
the next time we do a podcast, I'll post it right
when we get ready to do the podcast. That way,
if you want to call in, Matt, it doesn't say
where you're from, but you can call in, Matt.
I think that's why you asked that. Yeah. What
you'll have to do is you'll have to email first,
so that way Mark can let you know. Yes. Because
we do record. Yeah, we do them Wednesdays and
Sunday nights normally, but this is... Normally.
Yeah. I had a function going on last night that
I had to go to, and that's just the way it is.
Life happens. Yeah, life happens. All right,
Mark. You obviously lived in Rural Cass County
for a number of years. Do you prefer the city
or country to live in? Ross in Texas. Okay, let
me explain this. I love living out in the middle
of nowhere. I love nature. But hospitals and
stuff like that, I need to stay near a city.
I've got some health issues. So does my mom.
So does Val. We all do. So we can't go too far.
I mean, that's just the way it is. There are
better hospitals and doctors in the city because
there's more people to deal with. So, but yeah,
I would preferably like to live somewhere. I
mean, at the very closest Southern Cass County.
But the thing is, is I cannot. I got to be realistic.
So, and Ross, Rossington, it's weird. Okay, whenever
he says Dallas, He says Rossington in Dallas.
Whenever he says Ross, he says Ross in Texas.
And so when you hear this Ross or Rossington,
let me know why you do that. I mean, you see
what I'm saying? Isn't that odd? It's the same
email. Yeah, it is, but it's his thing. No, no,
no, I love him. He's great. He's rapidly becoming
one of our better. Yeah, he's awesome. He's rapidly
becoming one of our better emailers. So, yeah,
thank you, Ross, Rossington. All right. Rob,
do you have Princess Spanky while you wear a
diaper? If not, you should. It's a lot of fun.
Willie in Montrose. Willie is back. Willie, I've
been going past Montrose a lot lately. I may
have to stop and see you. Well, I mean, do you
have Princess spanking and spanking you while
you wear a diaper? And if you don't, you should,
he says. What do you say to that? Do you have
that done like he asked? No. No? I'm not going
to say. I bleed to fifth. There you go, Willie.
Because if I say, Princess, you kick my ass.
Willie, send some information back. Rob goes
by there all the time. Yeah, I do. Like I said,
we make several trips up to Excelsior Springs.
Yeah, we go up to Excelsior Springs. So we go
up 13 into Clinton. Okay. To Accelsor and come
in the back way instead of driving up to the
city. And that's quite a bit quicker, too, so.
Well, yeah, I mean, we've got to go up through
Clinton either way, so, yeah, we pass 52 Highway
all the time. Hell, I posted pictures on Facebook
of the Montrose sign. I know. Willie, send some
information, man. You and Rob can hook up. Yeah,
dude. And this is the same Willie. I look back,
same email. So, yeah, Willie, get a hold of us.
Let us know. All right. Hey, dudes, I think when
you all go full video, Mark should wear a chicken
costume and Rob should wear a pilgrim's hat and
garb. Trust me, I know these things. Tingly in
Billings. I guess Billings, Montana. This person's
name is Tingley. I don't know if it's male, female.
I'm guessing female, and I'm guessing that's
what she wants to see. Okay. I think that's a
great idea. What do you think, Rob? No. No? First
time I'm going to be in loincloth. Oh, that's
right. Okay. All right. First time Rob has to
wear his loincloth. Is it the original one that
you wore at McCock's? the strip bar on the east
side of Kansas City for years? Oh, no, no, no,
no. I got arrested one night and it got confiscated.
Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah, I remember, you know, you're
the only new dancer, you know, and you're making
all the money, so they made you wear a loincloth,
but then everybody loved the loincloth. You used
to do the Marilyn Monroe thing, didn't you? Yeah,
he used to do the Marilyn Monroe thing on his
act. He'd walk out there and a fan would be in
the front of the stage and it'd blow up his loincloth
and he'd sit there and act embarrassed. It was
funny. Made a lot of money like that. It was
great. I made a lot of money doing that. Yep,
at McCock's. Now it's an ice cream shop. Okay,
cool. You can get some Rocky Road. and think
about what that place used to be so all right
um so uh tingly thank you we're working on that
all right rob and mark i would love a chocolate
chunk cookie recipe please and thank you you're
the best another fucking one sammy in new brunswick
um well he said please and thank you and you're
the best so we have to answer him right Or here
you go with your recipe. Okay, damn it. I forgot
about this one. I'm not a baker. I had one planned
out what to say, and I fucking forgot what it
was now. So, all right, you take chips ahoy,
okay? You take chips ahoy, chocolate chunk cookies,
right? And you put them on a baking sheet. Okay,
and then you bake them at 700 degrees for four
hours. And then when you pull them out, you put
chocolate syrup in a spray bottle, and you dust
these things with the chocolate syrup. And you
can add coconut or whatever you want if you want
to do that. And that's it right there. Isn't
that how you were taught, Rob? Yeah, that's what
my mom taught. Yeah, the secret is it's 700 degrees.
I didn't know if you knew the secret either.
Oh, you're the one that told me. That's why I
let you go with it. Okay, thank you. And you
got that from your mom, that recipe? Yeah, I
got that from my mom and my grandma. Yeah, it's
a family recipe, yeah. I think it's pretty much
everybody's family recipe. It sounds delicious.
I mean, especially at baking it at 700 for five
hours. Oh, dude, I've had it. Oh, aren't they
good? Yeah, I've done it. Now, do you spray the
chocolate on them afterwards when it's still
hot, or do you wait until it cools off? Oh, no.
You've got to have it hot, then pour the chocolate
on so it sticks. Oh, okay, okay. There you go.
And then let it cool, then eat it. Oh, my God,
that's awesome. All right, man, I'm getting hungry
just thinking about that. Boy, that sounds good,
doesn't it? All right, next one. Okay, where
was I? Okay, Mark, you were all excited about
Coke coming out with a pure cane sugar. Well,
I found it at the local Kroger store. It's a
high price than just buying the Mexican Coke.
He said higher. I think he meant high. He said
high. I think he meant higher. It's a higher
price than just buying the Mexican Coke. The
cane sugar bottles are only eight ounces and
are close to 10 bucks a six pack. That's fucking
ridiculous. Josh in Ohio. The Mexican Coca -Cola
is cheaper. Yeah, the Mexican Coca -Cola is cheaper.
I've already known this. Several people have
told me they saw them at Walmart, the new Pure
Cane Sugar Coke. And the only one that anyone's
been able to find is 8 -ounce glass bottles,
and they're ridiculously expensive. It's cheaper.
It's literally a lot cheaper to go buy the Mexican
Coca -Cola. I don't even know why they're bothering.
So, anyhow. Yeah, I agree. And what was the name?
Josh in Ohio. Thank you. That was a great point.
And I agree with you. And now, this gets us to
the featured email, Rob. This one is good. We'll
all say his name afterwards. Hey, guys. I had
a severe bout with the trots in my garage while
working on my 67 cloth top convertible Mustang.
he has great taste yeah he does 67 cloth top
convertible mustang nice i was waiting to see
where this goes it's it's nowhere where i thought
it's gonna but okay i only have one choice and
that was to evacuate my um let's see okay i i
um i ate some outdated mushroom soup and i it
didn't print off very well i apologize um and
so i i um i got the trots and so i only have
one choice and that was to evacuate my stool
out the window i found a box of terry cloth to
wipe with i used all of them and i stuck them
back in the box the problem is the cloth They're
not mine. It's so hard to read. I'm sorry. It's
really faded. I ran out the other side of my
garage to a neighbor. I forgot to swipe out the
used box with a new one. My neighbor tried to
use the soil cloths and became infuriated. He
went back home and grounded his teen son for
a month thinking he did that as a childish prank.
The issue is I'm afraid to tell my neighbor slash
renter that it was me who wiped, but I feel horrible
about his son taking the rap. Any suggestions?
Tony in Cape Coral, which would be Florida. Yeah,
so he ate outdated mushroom soup. he got the
shits i'm explaining the rough draft because
it was it's not printed out very well so um okay
so here's what happened he he ate some bad mushroom
soup he got the shits okay the trots um he was
in there working in this his garage he's working
in his garage And he had no choice because, you
know, whenever stuff like this happens, you got
to go right then or you're going to shit your
pants, right? Your britches are going to be soiled
if you don't. So he hung his ass out the window,
fucking blasted all over the place, and then
he realized he had nothing to wipe with. He saw
this box of terry claws that you use on cars
and stuff, and you have them in garages, right?
But it wasn't his. The claws were his neighbor
that he rents to. They were his claws. He wiped
his ass with them, stuck them back in the box,
and he was going to switch out the boxes, but
he forgot to. And his neighbor came in there
and started to use them. I wonder if he got his
hand all shitty. So he reaches in there, and
he thought his son did it, and he was infuriated.
So he went home and he grounded his son for a
month. And now this guy, Tony in Cape Coral,
is afraid to tell his renter it was him. So what's
your, all right, Rob, what is your thought? What
needs to be done? Me too. Amen. I'm glad you
said that. Fucking let it go. You don't know
how many of my dad's friends let me take breaths
for shit. Me too. All the fucking time. Let it
go. Tony. Let it go. The thing is, I think the
guy is real. I think this really happened. He
didn't put it down as a joke or nothing. Yes.
It will give him a great life. It will give him
a great life lessons. You did him a favor, right?
Yes. Yeah, that's right. He'll know what not
to do in life. Don't shit and wipe your ass with
someone else's terry claws. Okay, Rob, that's
the featured email. I'm done. Let's turn it over
to you. I don't know where to go. Oh, I love
that one. That was a good one. Yeah, it was.
Tony, you're awesome. Right back. Yeah, Tony.
I want to hear from you. Yeah, and also let us
know what you did. Hopefully you let the little
bastard take the rap. Yeah, let the little shit
take the rap. I'm telling you. It'll be all right.
You know what? He's got a month to do his schoolwork.
You're helping him out. If you didn't have him
grounded, he wouldn't be doing his schoolwork.
But now that he's sitting at home doing nothing,
he's going to be doing his schoolwork. So you
did great. Yeah, good job, Tony. And Cape Coral,
was it? I threw that on the ground over there,
so I didn't know. I forgot. I thought it was
Cape Coral. All right. Rob, let's turn it to
you. Okay. Well, tonight, Rob has a new bag of
garbage. Yes. The single greatest segment ever
in the history of mankind and surrounding areas.
Okay, that's all right, Rob. However long it
is, we don't care. We got time, so. Yeah. Well,
I only got enough press for one for this one,
so. Okay. Wow. Now Bruce is still wearing the
same kind of smile. Let me show you something.
He stood in front of a heavy bag weighing about
60 kilograms. He positioned himself just two
centimeters. I would agree. Good. And I get what
he said because I've had a little martial arts
training and I know about telegraphing your blow.
You can tell by looking at somebody in a fight
what they're going to do if you watch them. If
you're good. You've got to keep a level head.
Yeah, you've got to keep a level head. You don't
let the adrenaline get to you. And also, you
get better at reading people the longer you go
on. Have you noticed that? Right. You get to
where you can almost figure out what they're
doing just by the look on their face. It's pretty
interesting because sometimes the look on their
face is universal. And, you know, people usually
get the same look if they're getting ready to
throw a punch to your face. It's interesting.
It's hard to describe, but it's there. And you
can do it if you study it. So, yeah, that was
a great, that was a really good bag of garbage,
even though it was one. Thank you, Rob. That's
great. Yeah, yeah. Like I said, I wouldn't expect
that at all. No, I wasn't either, but that was
pretty cool. But it was a good one. Yeah. Very
good. All right, I've got a little story here.
Then we'll probably have the new guy chime in
about it, and then we're going to go to our second
break. Sound like a plan? Okay. Okay, I find
it ironic that younger folk out there that are
so concerned about the environment and their
personal health and fitness, that we're concerned,
and rightfully so, about nano and microplastics
in our cells, and they're in us and all through
the earth. So, you know, they're worried about
these plastics and they are everywhere. And I
mean, it causes concern for me, too. I mean,
they're as far down as they can dig in the earth
and they're a little micro beyond smaller than
dust. And they're in all of us. They're in everything
that you see on earth and including the earth.
And they're not sure if it was natural. They
think it was manmade, but they don't know for
sure. So the Zers and Millennials with all their
strong opinions are falling for this viral trend,
which is ironic. The TikTok video shows people
how to microwave and grill hot dogs still in
the plastic wrappers, Rob. No, actually, I was
shown to boil hot dogs, leave them in the wrapper.
Seriously? juices in. That's what this guy says.
Honestly, they're better hot dogs. I don't know
about microwave. How about grilling? Well, the
main way that this guy was doing it online is
grilling. And that will melt the plastic straight
into the hot dogs. Yeah, see, I don't want...
No, no, no, no, no. All the toxics and plastics
being released when you sear the plastic. It
also sears it into the hot dogs. Okay, well,
boiling, I understand. Boiling will not make
it cling to your hot dogs. Yeah, it will make
it expand and blow away from your hot dogs. So
I could see that. But grilling them or microwaving
them? No fucking way. So, anyhow... That's another
thing too. But whenever you burn plastic like
grilling it, you would burn it. You get PFCs
and all these other toxic chemicals released
into the air that you breathe in and they can
really fuck up your lungs, make you sick, cause
certain cancers. So the younger generation falling
for this is really odd because they're so conscious
about the nano and microplastics, but they're
willing to do this. So how about this? Okay.
New guy's been kind of a bitch, right? But we
still pay him. So why don't we just go ahead
and have him explain this? Does that sound all
right? Okay, all right. Hey, new guy, get over
here, bitch. Explain this new trend about grilling
hot dogs still in a package. And we'll be right
back after him. Uh, hello. This is the new guy,
and I guess these two lazy fucks want me to explain
something else. As if I don't do enough around
here, and they don't appreciate it anyhow. Pencil
shavings of 50 bucks. What? They think they treat
me like gold, but actually they're a couple of
assholes. A viral internet trend involves grilling
hot dogs still in their plastic packaging, sparking
debate as some claim it locks in flavor. While
experts warn it's dangerous, causing plastic
to melt, infuse with the meat, and potentially
lead to harmful chemicals like BPA and phthalate,
creating a toxic, unappetizing meal, the trend
seems to be a form of rage beat or misunderstanding
of sous vide, with most people finding it bizarre
and unsafe despite claims it's real. There you
guys go. These two fucks, I swear, they're killing
me here. They can't do a damn thing. I bet they
can't even wipe their ass. They probably have
their wives do it. Idiots. Hey, my fellow heavy
breathers, this is Dash Riptide with your music
news. Glenn Hughes, the legendary bassist, lead
singer of many, many great bands, such as Deep
Purple, Black Sabbath, Black Country Communion,
California Breed, and so on and so on. He had
a U .S. tour planned for this April. Glenn unfortunately
had to cancel due to what had been described
as a minor medical issue. I already had seats
for legendary rocker Knuckleheads, but like most
times, I try to see him and it gets canceled.
Glenn, I love you, but no more. Third time getting
jerked is enough. We do wish you a full and speedy
recovery, and hopefully a full and speedy recovery
of my fucking money. Again, sorry, not sorry.
This is Gash Rooktine, and that was your music
news. If it's too loud, you probably have ear
damage, just like me. Christopher, you know our
elaborate prank section, right? Mm -hmm. Okay,
well, I've got one for you. I never told you
about Babble Snatch, have I? No. Okay, even if
I did, just say I didn't know. You know, there's
nothing about Babble Snatch. Yeah, I think I
remember a name like Babble Snatch. Okay. Well,
Babble Snatch, this is back in the 80s, probably
mid -80s. Best guess. Could have been 87 at the
latest. But anyhow, yeah, I used to go to the
7 -Eleven in Belvedere, which isn't there now.
It was knocked down and then replaced way later
by a quick trip. But anyhow, I used to go in
there all the time and, you know, go in there
and buy sodas and shit and whatever, you know,
rolling papers for my friends, not for me. And
anyhow, you know, just shit like that. So anyhow,
there's this guy in there. He, I don't know,
you know, I think he hated long hairs or something.
But, hey, I noticed he was nice to everybody
but me. Like, I'd be, like, third in line. And,
anyhow, you know, the first guy, hey, Mr. Jones,
how you doing? Oh, man, yeah, nice weather. Hey,
how's the kid? You know, next person, hi, Loretta,
how you doing? Oh, man, yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's
going good, man. I got the old Taurus running
really good. Yeah, yeah, come by, man. The old
Taurus. Yeah, you know. I'd come up there. 142.
So, how you doing? 142. Okay, here you go. And
I'm like, what the hell? How come this guy hates
me? And every time I go in there, nice as pie
to everybody, but me, it's like, just like, that'd
be 249. So, weather's pretty nice out there.
Thanks, bye. I'm like, that motherfucker. So
he did this so many times, and he just never
talked to me. He wouldn't even, like, hardly
look at me, you know. And I never did nothing
to this fucker that I know of. You know, maybe
someone said something, like this guy said, you
know, that you're a dick, or maybe someone's
screwing with him, like, hey, man, you think
she's got a nice ass? Who knows? Whatever the
fucking deal was, the guy was just a complete
tool bag to me constantly. So I was like, all
right, bitch. So I go home, and I think about
it. I'm like, okay. So I start calling up, and
I go, hey, you got any Babel Snatch gum? What?
Babel Snatch. I mean, everybody, I mean, I bought
it from there a couple weeks ago. Stuff is fucking
awesome, man. I'll tell you what, man, talk to
your manager about it. Is this like a breath
freshening gum? I don't, you know. Maybe a bubble
gum? I just came up with it. And anyhow, the
guy, he bid on it, you know. He was like, oh,
yeah, I'll check on it for you. That's awesome.
Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate it. So anyhow,
so I called back a little bit later. Yeah, someone
called earlier, you know. And anyhow, I'm sure
we have it here somewhere. But, you know, I'll
talk to my manager about it tonight, and we'll
see what we can do. So anyhow. I have a couple
other people call it about babble snatch gum
and, you know, and they're like, yeah, yeah,
yeah. You know, we're, we're working on getting
it in. Okay. You know, the regional manager,
we called him and he said that he was going to
work on getting it in here. And, and I go, well,
you know, I bought it the other day and it's
just so good. And they believe me. I go, man,
this gum is just so great tasting. And he's like,
it's babble snatch, right? Yeah. Babble snatch.
That's the name of it. Okay. All right. I would
have loved to listen to another conversation
when he's asking the regional manager. about
Babble Snatch. Oh, yeah. So, you know, anyhow.
I called down there the next day, and I go, hey,
man, you know, you got that babble snatch gum?
You know, the guy's like, oh, hang on, hang on.
I think it's in. We just had a load. Hang on.
So anyhow, so the guy's like, you know, and this
is the guy I hated, the Paul guy. So anyhow,
he's like, yeah, hang on a second. So I hear
him like, yeah, hey, I'm going to go to the back
there, and it's in one of the boxes. They said
it was coming in today. So all right, no big
deal. So I hear him go back there. I hear some
rustling, and a couple people come in. Then he
stops. He goes up there. Oh, yeah, it'll be 1242.
Okay, thank you. have a good day and then he
helps someone else i hear him go back again i
hear him wrestling through some more boxes meanwhile
i'm laughing my ass off anyhow this guy he like
for like 20 minutes is looking for babble snatch
gum so anyhow so like finally like a half hour
later he comes back he goes man he goes look
i know we're gonna have it in by the end of the
day i talked to my manager okay all right man
all right i'll come in at night and i'll get
some gum man save some for me man okay My name's
Billy. I'll be in. Okay, okay, all right. I'll
save you some Babel Snatch gum. No problem. So
a couple hours later, I call up and I talk to
the manager. The manager's like, yeah, yeah,
I ordered some a couple days ago and it should
be in. If it's not in right now, it's going to
be in by the end of the day. I guarantee you.
So I don't know how the hell they ordered it
because there was no such thing as Babel Snatch
gum. I made the shut up and all of a sudden,
I mean, everybody wanted this fucking Babel Snatch
gum. And it never did exist. Matter of fact,
this prank got so good to where I ended up. This
is, you know, in the 80s before digital cameras
even, let alone, you know, our phone cameras
and all the, you know, Photoshop and everything.
No internet. No, we had to, like, cut stuff out
of wrappers and stuff and make a fake babble
snatch gum and take an old -fashioned, like...
Polaroid type of picture. I forgot what it was.
It could have been one of those little box cameras
back then. Probably the only thing I could afford,
you know. Hey, we actually took a picture of
the Babel Snatch gum. And a guy went in there.
He goes, hey, man, I need this. The guy's like,
I know, I know, I know, man. We're working on
getting it in. It's hard to get, man. Everybody
wants this Babel Snatch gum. So anyhow, I guess
the whole moral of the story is don't be a dick
to me because then I'll do something like that.
And even now, to this day, I'll have a couple
people on my friends list every now and then.
Like send me a little message. It'll go babble
snatch. I'm like, ah, ha, ha. I remember one
time I was like working up in fucking New York
or something. And all of a sudden I get a ding.
And like I'm on top of this fucking skyscraper
they were putting in glass. And I look down and
it says babble snatch. And I'm like, fuck. I'm
up there dying in this glass about ready to fall
and kill 100 people. They recover your body and
they look at your phone. Well, the last text
you received said Babble Snatch. We better look
into this. By some guy named Dirtbag. Yeah. So
anyhow, that is my elaborate prank section of
this. Unless we throw some more in there, but
anyhow. Babble Snatch. Never forget it. This
name lives on. Now it's time for pickup lines
from a loser. Can you take me to the hospital?
I just broke my leg falling for you. Our constant
pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange
insults from an alien. Real hilarity. Every time
you're sitting in a stall at a public bathroom,
may the guy that comes up next to you in the
stall have explosive diarrhea. Next up, things
overheard in hell. The brand new Charles in Charge
reboot is the only show available all week. Two
douchebags and a microphone. There is no escape.
Enter at your own risk. You will not make it
out. Run while you still can, bitches. Great
news, assholes. You can now email the douches
anytime, anywhere. In the middle of a job interview?
No big deal. Taking a bath? No problems there.
Tap dancing? Easy as pie. Just send it to 2douches
at mail .com. Do it now, pussies, or I'll smash
you in the junk. As much fun as an electric can
opener to the scrotum, two douchebags and a microphone.
Oh, hey, look at the time. It's time for the
crazy -ass word of the day. Sometimes Mark appears
to be in deep thoughts. Usually he is contemplating
whether to squeeze a toot out or save it up for
a better place. But I digress. Sometimes he does
occasionally have a deep thought. Now we look
in on his brilliance. What if I learned telepathy?
And then I tried to talk to random people. How
would I know if they're ignoring me? I guess
some questions are greater than mankind. Two
douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark here in the
Kansas City Metroplex at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of
the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and Water
Track, and also home of Hickam's Country Store,
where you can buy anything you want, including
the Sinclair Green Dinosaur in the Doug Black
Studio. All right. Thank you, Rob. Man, that
new guy is a bitch, isn't he? What a bitch. Oh,
my God. Man, what did we do to him? I don't know,
man. He's always just pissed off. Geez. Oh, well.
You know, we pay him. I just gave him another
$25, man. I gave him another bag of pencil shavings.
We're too good to him. That's what the problem
is. I know. $25 more bucks. And another bag of
pencil shavings. I mean, I feel foolish for giving
him all that. Yeah, that's $75 I'm giving him.
Wow. And I gave him probably five bags of pencil
shavings. The street value of that, I would hate
to see the street value of that. Ungrateful asshole.
I know. Man. Oh, well, you know what's funny,
though? Keeping and making him work. He doesn't
want to work. That's what's funny. We make him
work. Yeah, he doesn't like to Google shit, but
we make him. All right, Rob, you got something
you want to go into? Yes, I do. All right. If
you listen to the last podcast, I went into one
of my famous lists. And this one was 10 unspoken
prison rules. Yes. two, five. Tonight I'm going
to go six through ten. Sounds good. Okay, at
number six. Don't underestimate commissary protocols.
Commissary is where inmates purchase essential
goods, but it's also a hot spot for theft and
extortion. Beyond staying diligent, knowing what
items are most valued in that specific prison
can help you navigate social exchanges and even
gain favor with others. Okay. Okay, at number
seven, choose your cellmate wisely. Perhaps the
most critical... Your cellmate can become your
best ally or your worst nightmare. Sounds about
right. The reason cellmates turn violent are
not uncommon. Reading people and establishing
boundaries early is essential. Trust takes time.
I did that. I get it. Number eight. Pay your
debts. Especially in prison. Yeah. Borrowing
items like snacks and toiletries might seem harmless,
but in prison, not repaying debts is a dangerous
mistake. I bet it is. Probably. Yeah, probably
so. Just saying. Yeah. Okay, number nine. Identify
the snitches. Okay. Snitches are a constant threat
in prison. These individuals might report others
to gain favor with guards or secure privileges,
putting others at risk. Being seen associating
with known snitches could damage your reputation
and make you a target. Observing who regularly
interacts with guards or seems overly curious
about others' business is key. Okay. And, yeah.
No, go ahead. No, go ahead. Okay, and number
10, the final one. And this is the most important
one. Okay. Respect the chow hall rules. Okay.
Understanding where you're allowed to sit and
not challenging the status quo is vital to keeping
the peace. Okay, I could see that. So there are
10 unspoken rules for anybody that's getting
ready to go to prison. There you go. If you're
getting ready to go to prison, jot these down.
Rob did all the legwork for you, so you're welcome.
Thank you, Rob. Very cool. Question. It is 9
.16. We can either stop or go. I'm leaving it
up to you because you have to get up a little
bit earlier than I do. Yeah. Actually, I think
that's probably it for tonight. Okay. Sounds
good. Because I still got to eat dinner. Okay.
All right. Well, thank you. Thank you, Rob, for
all your input and everything you did tonight.
You brought it, like always, very much appreciated.
And thank you, everyone, for listening. Like
I said, we hit over a millionth download. We're
trying to harness the way it came to us. But
for the entity that does this, I don't want to
say their name because obviously they don't want
to be mentioned. Right. They send you out something
when you pass the millionth download. And it's
like this little, hey, great news, excitement.
And it was from them, so it's true. It wasn't
like spam or someone trying to trick me or nothing.
But we're trying to figure out how to harvest
this thing and screenshot it somehow and put
it up on our websites, on our Facebook pages
and all that. To prove it to everybody. Yeah,
to prove it to everybody. We're working on that.
Topher's got an idea. And I think that he's on
to something the way he wants to go about it.
So I'm going to let him try to figure that out.
And meanwhile, I'm going to try to do some other
stuff. But if he can't figure it out, I'll go
back to trying to figure it out. We will get
it figured out one way or another. Because I'm
certain it can be posted. I've looked it up on
the internet and all that stuff. Anyhow, thank
you everybody for listening. We appreciate all
the listenership and all the support. Keep telling
your friends it's working. Good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.