Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
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If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
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Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. And now we
look in on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could you please
put my plain bread in a small countertop appliance
with heating elements that would spring -loaded
and would brown my bread adequately? Well, first
off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over there
sitting at the table having a drink. Second off,
are you talking about someone toasting your bread?
Why, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread
being toasted. Then why don't you just ask for
your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? What
the hell's wrong with you? You watch the news.
It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable? We
suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
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post -apocalypse. Remember, post -apocalypse,
to have a sewage bit. Sewage, untreated, can
result in serious illness and other obstacles
for your family to live well. You also should
have some chemicals stocked up. maybe bags of
chlorine or something of such, to sanitize the
sewage per week. Hey peeps, it's time for the
police blotter. That's right, stories about stupid
criminals and the dumbassness that ensued. Let
us begin now. During a routine traffic stop,
Ohio officer Sergeant John Allen found a bag
of illegal narcotics. He was about to let 29
-year -old Sean, total of Columbus, go when he
spotted laying in the passenger seat a clear,
baggy, labeled bag of drugs. Hello, this is Phineas
J. Altaris III. I'm here to deliver your music
news this evening. We have some sad news for
everybody. Bob Weir, the co -founder and guitarist
for The Grateful Dead, has passed away at the
age of 78. Bob, we hope you're grateful, because
you're definitely dead. Rest in peace, Mr. Weir.
This is Phineas J. Baltaris III. That has been
your music news for this evening. I have one
burning question for you all. Do people really
skip around the Maypole? Sir. I see your qualifications
here. May I ask some further questions that could
help me determine your employment eligibility?
Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here,
we have a large population of different ethnic
backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are you by
chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure why
you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. Hey, you yankers. We often think
many things are just true because we've heard
it our whole lives. That's why here at Two Douchebags
and Microphone, we developed the segment, Not
True. We investigate and uncover the real truth
of what happened. We've heard for years that
Einstein was so intelligent he could not figure
out how to tie his shoe. The fact is, he disliked
wearing socks. He would put socks over his shoes
to avoid tying them. He believed tying shoelaces
was an incredible waste of time. So were Crocs
when Einstein needed them. Hello, everybody.
We are Two Douchebags and Microphone. We are
a very fast -growing podcast. We just hit over
a millionth download. We did. And I'm going to
try to find a way to prove it to everybody. It
won't let me capture it for some reason. Awesome.
Yeah, I posted where, you know, the whole world
is listening. You know, we've had hits from every
continent and virtually every country. I posted
that the other day, but I can't seem to get a
screenshot of this congratulations million download
thing that they have. So as soon as I can do
that, at least I can show to the people on our
Facebook and also the people that are on our
Facebook page to my personal and also the Two
Douchebags and Microphone page. The whole thing
is we're doing really well, and we want to thank
everybody for listening to us. But we are Two
Douchebags Microphone, and I am Mark, and I am
here in the Kansas City area. I'm half of this.
I'm a co -host at the Talk is Cheap studio, is
what I call this little mess here. And I like
to do goat noises after I say all this shit.
a host. I'm co -host. You just said co -host.
You are a host. This is your show, man. You started
this. It was all for you. you know what man but
I gotta give you a lot of credit Rob you know
I was in a hard way there Topher was having some
really big issues that he had to deal with and
you came to bat and you did a great job so I
prefer to just call you and myself a co -host
both of us but okay okay well let's get back
to this I am Rob and I am in Wheatland Missouri
home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and
All right. Yes, including saving your vehicle
from softball -sized hail, like I spoke about
last time. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, my friend.
It's a great place. I've been there because they
showed me. They're like, hey, here's what saved
our car. I was like, oh, cool. I know they do.
They had some really good burritos there when
I was there. I mean, it wasn't very... It is.
It's really good. Yeah, I felt sorry for the...
I feel sorry for the interior of my car on the
way home, but, I mean, they were great burritos.
Dude, next time you go there, get the burritos
and ask for queso. They have queso. They will
pour over it for you. Oh, even better. Yeah,
that's one of my go -tos. Yeah. Cool. They're
like a small Buc -ee's, almost. Yeah. They really
are. I remember they had they had handcuffs they
had professional police grade handcuffs for sale
when I was there oh dude you ought to see this
giant oh my god I forget what they call it it's
a jumbo lawn chair one of the pulled out chairs
Oh, I would love, oh, I love oversized chairs.
I guarantee it's the original one they put up
there. Nobody's bought one. I think I'm going
to just for fun of it. You know what? Absolutely.
It's almost the size of a one seat. Can you fit
it? Can you fit it in the duck blind studio?
Yeah. Yeah. Because it folds up. It's like a
normal camping chair. It's just a huge camping
chair. Okay. I mean, it's huge. Oh, hang on,
hang on. We didn't finish this. Where are you
at? You know, you're at Hickmo's, okay, home
of Hickmo's. But where are you at and all that,
you know? You've got to finish it off, your intro.
Did I finish the intro? Did you? You didn't say
it at the Duck Blind Studio? Oh, in the Duck
Blind Studio, whack, whack, sorry. Okay, no,
no, no, that's cool, that's cool. Oh. Yes, I
did. I know. And then I realized, wait a minute,
because I was going to ask you if you're going
to get that and put it if you had room in the
duck blind studio. And then I realized you didn't
say the duck blind studio. Well, this was last
minute. Okay. So I will explain that to you off
air. Okay, you got it. Yeah, he said air. He
said air. I forgot who the fuck that is. Send
me another message. Some dickwad has a problem
with us saying air. But Rob, will you describe
it again why we say air? He takes it as radio
air. Go ahead, Rob. Please explain why we say
air. Because we're going to believe it. Or we
got to breathe it, you know? Yeah. No, no. It's,
yeah, it's because... Yeah, yeah, but also it's
because the internet is in the air and our phones
are in the air. It's easier to say on air. So,
anyhow, you know what? Who cares about that dickwad?
Technically, now, the blind studio is in the
second story of the house. So, I'm in the air.
There you go. So, whoever your name was, fuck
off again. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It's time to put
that once proud showcase out to pasture. Just
forget it. If you can't do it right, then just
stop it. Why don't you just have a meet and greet?
You know, hey, hey, everybody, Mahomes is going
to be here. Come over and see him. He'll sign
your football. You know, this NFC versus NFC,
AFC versus NFC flag football showdown is garbage.
Does that make you want to watch it, Rob? No,
me neither. I mean... Oh, go ahead. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. It was formerly the Pro Bowl. It was formerly
the Pro Bowl. Yeah, yeah, but now they called
it... Yeah, yeah, the really good ones were playing
in February. So it's time to put that thing out
to pasture. I'm sorry, man. I mean, if you can't
do it better than that, then just forget it.
Stop it. Okay, NFL? Geez. I mean, let them play.
They're done for the year. Yeah, I mean, I'm
waiting for them to fucking do bubble. I'm waiting
for him to do fucking bubble parties and shit
like that. I mean, I swear, it blows. So, all
right, Rob, what do you do if someone in the
middle of the night kicks your door really hard
or bangs on your door loudly? You grab your gun.
Okay. You or her will grab your gun, right? uh
-huh less than 400 people mom and dad and grandma
across the street got neighbors us neighbors
of course yes so if someone did that we protect
each other yes if someone did that it would not
end very well for them right agreed not here
well you on the other hand no no no no no without
without giving away too much it wouldn't happen
here either The initial one would happen. Then
after that, it would cease really quickly. I'll
just leave it at that. So a viral TikTok trend
known as the door kick challenge or door knock
challenge is causing alarm among law enforcement
agencies nationwide. Participants, typically
teenagers, kick or aggressively bang on random
residential doors often at night, then run away.
So in other words, it's a. um what do they call
it ding dong run or something like that or ding
dong ding dong ditch ding dong ditch yeah that's
what we call it ding dong ditch yeah or uh or
ring and run yeah okay so this is this is like
a new way of doing it only they bang the shit
out your door um you know um oh it says it right
here the remnant is this Though reminiscent of
their traditional ding -dong -ditch prank, this
challenge has escalated to significant property
damage and real safety concerns. Authorities
across the United States have highlighted the
serious legal and safety risks associated with
this viral challenge in recent months. Russell
Klump of the Topeka Police Department in Kansas
noted, There's a criminal element. More disturbing,
however, is the reason for this safety message.
is the dangers that are associated with conduct
in these challenges. So when we go to a random
resident and you start kicking on the door, residents
inside can easily mistake that for an attempted
burglary, somebody trying to break into their
home and cause them harm. Klump goes on to state
that homeowners can respond to the threat of
a perceived intruder in a number of ways, including
shooting the perceived intruder. So, Rob, okay,
here's the way, after reading all that, here's
what I, and you tell me, correct me if I'm wrong,
okay? I will file that in the fuck around and
find out department. What do you think? Oh, definitely.
Yeah, yeah, so, you know, you think you're going
to go banging on doors and stuff. That's typically
where things really, really go wrong, you know,
and especially teenagers that think it's cool
because they see it on TikTok. No, no. Don't
do it. Too many people have guns, and too many
people will shoot, and I can't blame them. In
today's world, do you sit there and let someone
try to kick your door in, or do you go ahead
and just take the initiative and try to take
them out before they fuck with you or your family,
right? Pretty simple. Yeah. What you do is you
do the old, I'm going to do it. That's our right,
thanks to our Constitution. Yes. And also another
thing is, is that's one of those things that
you do it and then you take your lumps. It's
like first things first. This guy may try to
kill us. So first thing I'm going to do is I'm
going to get to him first. And then I'm going
to deal with the law enforcement. But just like
they used to say in Cleveland, Missouri, some
unnamed cops from an unnamed county or town,
allegedly, they said, if you shoot them on your
porch, drag them inside your house. We don't
have a budget to do an investigation. That guy's
dead. He can't talk. You're alive. You can. We
have to take your word. And pretty much, you
know, that's the whole thing about small towns
in Midwest. They're kind of like, okay, so this
guy came up banging on your door, screaming and
freaking out. Yeah. Okay. And you shot him. Yeah.
Okay. Nothing to see here. That's it. Well, Princess
was telling me that here a couple years ago,
there was some guy that was running through town.
Cops was chasing him and shit. And he ran down
this street. The neighbor's daughter pulled her
gun out, fired a shot at the dude, luckily missed.
Because the cops were hot behind him. And she
wasn't the only one with her guns out. He was
probably sorry you ever attempted that, wasn't
he? Well, Princess had her gun out, her dad had
his out, and we were right across the street
from her. He probably wanted the cops to get
him after that. He's like, he's like, but yeah,
there's a big police presence there. Obviously
there has to be. No, that, that's the whole thing
is the guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yep, yep. And Hill
Jack is affectionate, in case anybody wonders.
Listen, I... Well, yeah, I know, but, you know,
Hill Jack is not a bad thing. It's a term of
endearment. It's a term of endearment. Yes, yep,
so there you go. And anybody that lives there
knows this, too. You know, people walk up to
each other all the time and go, hey, you fucking
hillbilly, and they're like, yeah, okay, what
do you need? So, all right, I'm starting to notice
now switching subjects. Now that the Chiefs are
out of the playoffs, a lot of the bullshit penalties
have stopped. I think the NFL owes us a fucking
apology. I've seen so many things going on. And,
you know, it's like the stuff that we would have
got called for. Listen, I'm fine with the number
of Super Bowls we've won so far. I think we're
going to win some more. And I'm happy with what
they've done and everything. But I'm telling
you, the game is so heavily influenced. In my
opinion, anyone that bets on it is a rube. You're
a sucker. because they take these games, and
Topher and I are going to talk about this a lot
on the Sports Bastards coming up Tuesday. What
they do is they manipulate the games with penalties
to make the games close in the fourth quarters
so nobody shuts that TV set off and nobody quits
betting. That's what it is, in my opinion, my
humble opinion, allegedly, and all that good
shit. I mean, if I had to bet on anything, I'd
bet that that's true. What do you think, Rob?
Do you think we're on to something here? I totally
agree with you. I believe that the end of the
year is set up to begin with. And that's where
all the penalties come in. And now that we're
in the playoffs, the penalties are going to cool
off. It's because they got the teams that they
wanted. Well, I'll go a step further. They're
still manipulating the game. Because every game...
Well, it is sports entertainment. They did change
the name a few years ago from actual sports to...
sports entertainment and that would be the same
category as wwe which is script writing which
we love it it's great right but it's scripts
now why would you need to write scripts in football
well i mean to me uh the thing is is yeah and
and okay so maybe they're not actual scripts
per se but their narratives, the way they take
the game to. And I got an example is every one
of the playoffs games, this one of this season,
all of them come down to the last quarter and
the last minutes. Philadelphia just lost to San
Fran, fourth and... fourth and 11 or something
like that and and it was incomplete and then
uh sam fran got to run the timeout now that that
to me looked like there's some penalties there
and some penalties not called that um not as
egregious as they were doing the chiefs but you
can tell that to me in my opinion it's influence
so so um all right we're gonna go on on from
that so rob what happens if you work out for
14 minutes and it's a 15 minute ab video Will
you just get a five -pack? That's what I would
say, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you wouldn't get the full
six, right? You missed a minute? Yeah. You'd
only have five abs, not six. Hey, five out of
six ain't bad. You know what? I'll make up something.
I'll say, yeah, I cut it off in the war. My other
ab got cut off. Do what? If two out of three
ain't bad, five out of six is even better. That's
right. I agree. Hell yeah. A little, um, if you
know, you know, that's right. Yeah. So if you
know, you know, we'll just see that one right
there. And the people that chuckled, chuckled
and the people that didn't are probably younger.
So, um, all right. Yes. I'm still wondering what
the fuck I'm going to use algebra on. I'm still
waiting to use it one time in real life. oh well
yeah okay okay you're right okay i stand corrected
uh yeah bill billiards are you do use a lot of
algebra on billiards that's true all right um
so uh let's see um i went out and i bought glenn
hughes tickets for knuckleheads and guess what
it's fucking canceled already I swear, I know
we're talking about that one concert, but that
was something we planned. Okay, let me go on
with this here real quick and I'll get to that.
Okay, I'm going to swear off concerts. I'm so
sick of the fucking dry jack going on. The official
word was a minor health issue. Okay, got it.
How about a reschedule then? Why was it just
a flat cancel if it's a minor health issue? All
right, go rest. Then come back and do our fucking
shows that we paid for. I get tired of this shit.
Now I got to go through all that bullshit of
trying to get my money back. And then a lot of
times these fucking agencies, they keep your
money and just keep it as credit. I am, I swear,
after this next one that you and I are talking
about, Triumph, that's it. I'm never going to
another concert. I'm so pissed off, I'm furious.
It's a big fucking racket, in my opinion. And
they do this on purpose. It's an alleged concert
that never fucking happens if they don't get
enough tickets. I have my own battle on that.
Because right before COVID, I ordered two tickets.
see leonard skinner that ozark amphitheater and
covid hit they canceled uh -huh they never rescheduled
wow so i missed out on leonard skinner for the
last time i'd ever get to see him and of course
they're not the originals but still it's leonard
skinner well actually you know they're still
touring but they're less than the uh replacements
Oh, I know. I know. I know. Yeah, you don't want
to go, trust me. I mean, it's a glorified fucking
cover band is all it is. Right, but still, they're
still considered Leonard Skinner, so I can say
I've seen Leonard Skinner. And that's what I
wanted, but I did not get that. No, I understand.
Ronnie Van Zandt and Johnny Van Zandt, I believe,
were the two singers, right? Was it Ronnie that
died in the plane crash, and then his cousin
later? um came back and filled his shoes they
re they reinvented leonard skinnerd you know
minus the people that died and then rossington
and collins is the other guy i think rossington
collins band they formed their band and never
went back to skinnerd but there was still enough
members left to where they still could call yeah
yeah last year that's right gary rossington i
believe was his name yeah yeah yeah yeah um yeah
so anyhow um yeah i'm getting tired of this what
happens is and topher uncovered this a long time
ago he talked about this and i knew it to be
true and the thing is is these concerts are not
in stone what they do is they book them and then
it's under This is allegedly, I mean, but I'm
pretty sure this happens. And what it is, is
whenever the concerts don't sell enough, then
they just, it won't happen. They're acting like
this is a concert coming to Kansas City or wherever,
wherever USA, wherever you are. And then if things
don't go just right and they don't make the profit
margin exactly as they feel. They just cancel
it. And then sometimes you don't even get your
money back. You get fucking credit or sometimes
they just ghost you. I got ghosted on that fucking
one. The last one I tried to go see Glenn Hughes
on. I got fucking ghosted on my money. It got
rained out as in Sedalia. Oh, Sedalia. Yeah,
yeah, Sedalia. Yeah. yes yeah and that was a
great place i loved it um we were at the resort
we went to the encore to watch the chiefs game
as a monday night game or no a sunday night game
and uh we're watching it there at the encore
and uh and that's where the owner had that police
um And there's some Atlanta fans over in the
corner. And they were over there cheering. Atlanta
was doing good at the time. And then whenever
the Chiefs would score or get an interception
or a fumble or whatever, he would turn around
with that megaphone and go right to them. Kansas
City scores! Or yeah, touchdown Kansas City!
Or aha, fumble! And they left. And he was just
laughing. He goes, I don't care. He goes, I don't
give a shit. hell no man that guy's he yeah yeah
yeah it's a great place i highly recommend that
resort and i highly recommend the encore and
i i'm still sick to my stomach i did not know
that molly hatchett came by there in their uh
in their water bar their underwater bar their
swim up bar is their whole That's where the amphitheater,
you sit in that swim, the swim up bar and the
bars in the middle and you stand there and you,
you know, you sit there in the water or swim
around and watch Molly hatchet. That would have
been fucking perfect. I told you, I told you
I wanted to go to that. I just, I just couldn't.
This happened and I missed out. No, I understand.
I understand completely, Rob. But anyhow, well,
you know, maybe they'll come back by or maybe
there'll be a show. I kept in touch and I kept
looking at their webpage and stuff, but I really
didn't see anything of note this year, this last
year. So hopefully this one coming up, I mean,
that would be a concert I would go to because
I think that they would honor it because it's
not part of the concert circuit with all these
venues that are like real fickle about how much
money they make and all that. You know what,
we'll... Yeah. Yeah, that would be great. Yeah.
Yeah. Uh -huh. Yeah, I know where you're talking
about. Okay. Shawnee, I can't remember the name
of it, but they have a lot of big bands there,
too. Okay. I just announced the one because that's
where I live. Okay. Okay. All right. You know
what? I think I'm going to start coming this
year when concert season comes back around in
spring. and all these amphitheaters. I think
I'm going to start doing a run of all the amphitheaters
and doing what's playing there. You think that's
a good idea? All the ones out in that area and
all the ones, all points in between. So, I mean,
Thunder Ridge, I've been keeping... If you've
got time, do it, yeah. Well, I hope I do. I mean,
I'm not doing a lot of stuff that I want to do
on the podcast because I'm busy. I don't know.
I get too many ideas. yeah i um i'm too creative
if that sounds weird i get too much shit going
on in my head and i want to do this and i lose
track go no i want to do this and then i go back
to doing that and if i could just like keep focused
to one thing at a time i get a lot more done
but my mind's too creative i mean it's not bragging
or nothing i've always been like this it's kind
of scattered i'll get this idea and that idea
and this idea and they just all top on top of
each other and I don't know, you know, I'm not
going to take medicine for it or anything like
that because I consider it a gift. But I get
more done if I didn't have so many different
thoughts. So, anyhow, let's see. Okay, you know
Mike Patton of the Rockman Faith No More and
Mr. Bungle? He had a serious allegation about
him from Google AI. not being able to different
different different i can't say it um between
him uh between the sink it's going to be a fucking
nightmare starting off like that in certain areas
and it's going to get worse so um i got more
but rob let's turn to you Okay. Okay. A black
man in Texas was stunned to learn this week that
he has paid more than $10 ,000 in child support
for a five -year -old girl in Florida unrelated
to him for the last three years, likely because
his name and birth date are similar to those
of the real father. Oh, boy. that he received
a letter from the Texas Attorney General's Office
of Child Support this week demanding $1 ,400
in overdue child support for a child in Florida.
He was stuck. He has no children in Florida and
has never lived there. He does have two daughters
in Texas, now 18 and 23. Wow. He was aware he
was paying more overall for child support, but
he chalked that up to the fact that he's received
pay raises over the last few years that put him
into a higher position. Mm hmm. Wow. So, OK,
does it say, does it say Florida? Oh, OK. So
now we get on to the mother. OK. After visiting
the Texas agent. They don't hear together or
whatever. This is crazy, said Shakita Harvey,
38, a clothing designer who lives in Lake Alfred,
Florida. Somehow Florida and Texas linked these
cases without verifying any identity or paternity
information. This man has been paying diligently
for my child all this time. What a mess. The
real father of her child, she said, is Roderick
Dwayne Davis, who is 44 and also has a September
birthday. He lives in Mississippi, has never
lived in Texas to her knowledge. She had been
puzzled as to why she'd been receiving child
support payments from Texas, but didn't question
it. She said, but her daughter talks to him and
his mother via her own phone. Well, here's the
thing. They had the same name. It's just the
Wayne's were spelled differently. Wow. So kind
of like Mike Patton. Okay, just slightly different
front at first. Wow. Okay. Wow. Okay. Who knows?
Yeah. Yeah. He's taking her. It was her biological
dad. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Now this guy, you know,
that mother and him are demanding his money back.
Yeah. That's what I was going to ask is, um,
okay. Is, uh, Florida going to reimburse him?
Yeah, well, you would think that they would because,
okay, the lady didn't know she deserved that
child support. So it's up to Florida to go to
the real father and shake him down for the money.
And then they need to pay the other guy back,
the guy who is not the father that they thought
was. They need to pay him his money back immediately
and then go after the real father is what I think.
Yeah, they need to give that guy his money back
immediately. Wow. Okay, all right. My opinion.
Same here. Same here, Rob. I agree with it 100%.
So, all right. Thank you, Rob. I'm going to take
our first break, and then I got some emails and
an interesting featured email that I'd like to
go into. All right, sir. Great news, assholes.
You can now email the douches anytime, anywhere.
In the middle of a job interview. No big deal.
Taking a bath? No problems there. Captain Hanson,
easy as pie. Just send it to twodouchesatmail
.com. Do it now, pussies, or I'll smash you in
the junk. Since the dawn of time, weird shit
has happened. Strange occurrences, unexplained
phobias, and other odd happenings. Over the next
minute, we would like to bring you odd, rare
phobias and conditions. Hutchinson -Gilford Progeria
Syndrome. Cases known on Earth 100 to possibly
150. This causes young children to age quickly,
such as hair loss, thin, fragile skin, and cardiovascular
issues, while the child's mental capacity stays
the same. There is unknown cure and very little
treatment options. Now, from his underground
bunker in Camden, Missouri, a stock full of dried
goods, canned food, and a couple of vibrating
toys, is Ramblings of a Madman, featuring Rob
Rad. All those who believe in psychokinesis.
Raise my hand. That needs to happen. Hey everybody,
this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some
tips for life. Always answer the phone with,
I have 1%. I will hang on as long as I can. That
way, if it's someone you don't want to talk to,
look off mid -sentence and you're done. Our constant
pursuit for a real knee slapper, it's strange
in... Insults from an alien. Real hilarity. Hey,
your chair. Produce a sound similar to a fart,
but only once. Such that you cannot reproduce
it and prove that it was just the chair. Hi,
all. This is Chicago. I am the most dangerous
city in... Oh yeah, this is Kansas City here.
Hold my beer, bitch. Ms. Gulkenstein was tired
of Mark and Toe for making sport of her. Little
did the douchebags know, Ms. Gulkenstein was
a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. be very quiet we're gonna listen in as
rob the capuchin monkey tries to sell the rest
of the capuchin monkeys amway rob has always
dreamed of becoming a diamond status amway as
a capuchin monkey Little did our hero Rob know.
All the great apes owned stock in Sam's Club
and became violently pissed off when he tried
to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Please remember
to go to Cole's dressing room, wait five minutes,
and scream, Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!
So he won't prove it. that we love you here at
QD Spades and Microfilm Central. Here's a group
right here. How about the drink of the week?
Pistachio Martini seems in order. Start off with
two ounces vanilla vodka. One ounce pistachio
liqueur. One ounce heavy cream. One half ounce
simple syrup. One ounce of heavy cream chill
martini glass in freezer for ten minutes. Dip
the chilled glass rim in the simple syrup, then
rub the rim in crushed pistachios. Fill a cocktail
shaker with the vodka, liqueur, heavy cream,
and simple syrup in the shaker. Shake vigorously,
then strain the contents into the glass. You
may garnish the rim of the martini glass with
a sliced lemon and an olive, possibly. Drink
up, bitches. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark, here in the Kansas City area, at the
Talk is Cheap studio, and I make goat noises.
And I am Rob, in Wheatland, Missouri, home of
the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and Water
Track, and also home of Hickamo's General Store,
which is a Sinclair and... Oh, I got to take
my picture there. In the Doug Blythe studio.
Yeah, I got to take my mug right next to the
big green Dino. I do that in Lamar. I forgot
to tell you about that. Yes, they have the big
green dinosaur up. Oh, good, good. You know,
every time I go to Eureka Springs and I travel
down 7149, I go to the one in Lamar, Missouri.
i think it's called lamartes it's a sinclair
and i always take my uh my selfie with the with
the dinosaur so um all right um we got some emails
first one hey guys how about more crumb olympics
i love that segment trey and tucson yeah i'll
get on it and that sound okay rob it's been a
while i'll have to find some more crumbs Yeah,
and basically it is like some desserts and foods,
the crumbs are better than the actual food. And
that's where a crumb off, the Crumb Olympics,
is needed. And we get to judge these crumbs and
figure out which ones are better. And we'll eventually
have a grand champion. But right now, we're in
the middle of it, and we paused it, just like
the ass paddlers. I need to get back to them.
I got some complaints. So, all right, we'll get
to it. All right. Rob, thank you, Trey, in Tucson.
Yes, thank you, Trey. Rob, is Highway 54 RV Park
only for the racetrack customers? Wally in Wichita.
No, it is not. But they have a lot of rules.
I mean, it's a clean place. They want to keep
it clean. No riffraff. It's like RV campers,
like Fitzwheels, whatever, you know. It is a
nice place. It really is. Well, yeah. It sounds
to me like you got to book it early. Is that
it? No, actually, it's pretty well dead. Oh,
okay. I'm looking at it right now. Okay, I guess
not. It's January, man. Summertime? No, that's
what I'm saying. If you're going to come in the
summertime, I would book early, to be honest.
Yeah. Seriously. Seriously. Especially if you're
coming for the races. The races eats it up. Wally
didn't say this, but I have a feeling it's for
the races. But, anyhow. No, it's a pretty big
place. I mean, there's a lot of camping areas.
And they also have a naked area in back. No.
Oh, okay. I must have been in another place.
Sorry. Okay. All right. Next one. Hey, Mark,
do you have the old segment about the concrete
company that you worked at? Or just direct me
to what episode it would be in. Thanks. Rossington
in Texas. Ross, thank you. Thank you, Rossington.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where that fucking psychotic
guy I worked with, he used to, they'd have concrete
dust on the floor and he would flip out his fucking
penis and just piss on it and it would harden
up so he didn't have to like try to sweep it
up and the dust would be everywhere. He'd wait
for it to harden up after he pissed on it and
it would harden up and he'd take the scoop shovel
and throw it in the trash. And then whenever
the bosses come around and go, what's that smell?
I go, oh, it's that chemical that we put in the
concrete over there. It smells horrible. And
they're like, yeah, it does. Jeez, man, I didn't
know it smelled that bad. And we're all like,
yeah, sure does. Horrible, horrible. He's psychotic.
Okay, anyhow, I love the guy, though. I'd like
to know what happened to him. Let's see. Oh,
Ross, I'll find it. And I will put it on one
of these episodes because I cannot tell you what
episode it's on. But I have all the old ones
and the ones in between. So it's on. I'll have
to do some thinking. I'll find it. I should have
better records than this, I know. But I don't.
So, all right. Rob, what is your favorite sport?
We all know Marxist football. Ronnie and Tulsa.
D. Tulsa. King. Honestly, mine's got to be football
also. Even though I've been so busy this year,
I've watched one quarter of a Chiefs game. That
is all the football I have watched this season.
Just as well this season, Rob. You picked a good
season to not have time to watch them, I can
tell you that. Well, I watch more than just Chiefs.
I watch them all. No, I do too. Like the San
Francisco game I just watched against Philly,
that game couldn't have gone any better. I'd
be watching all of them too. It's just that I
don't have TV capability right now. And I've
been so busy because me and Princess met and
we got married and Christmas. I just have not
had time this year to enjoy any football, which
is shocking for me, honestly. I would like to
say this, though. No back -to -back for Philly.
Ha ha! Eat a bowl of shit stew, Philly. All right.
Yeah, I haven't even paid up kitchen. I didn't
even know that. Fuck them. I'm glad they're out.
All right. Mark, a long time ago you mentioned
that you used to have a large beer can collection.
Do you still have it? Jesse in Seattle. I didn't
know I ever mentioned that on the show. Yeah,
I used to, and I don't know what I did with it.
I mean, I had every kind of... No, actually,
I think one night you did mention it. Oh, I did?
Okay. I think you did. Yeah, because it's ringing
a bell. Okay. Well, you remember stuff better
than I do. It's only been, what, over three years.
Yeah, yeah. And actually, you know what, Rob?
I think you're right. I forgot what we were talking
about. Someone had a weird collection. We were
talking about it. Yeah, and you mentioned your
beer can. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did.
I did. Okay. I don't know what happened to it.
Jesse in Seattle. I have no... That was wrong.
yeah i and i was so proud of that thing too i
wish i had it today i wish i knew what i did
with it but obviously it's gone uh both houses
that i were at have been sold well one of them
tore down the other one sold um so there's no
there's no hope in ever getting it back it's
gone for good but I would love to have that.
I had so many rare beer cans, old ones. But anyhow,
when I was a teenager or a little bit younger,
I used to go to these old sheds out in the middle
of nowhere, and I'd find the beer cans in there.
And there would be, like, one of the ones that
I found that I was really proud of was Mule Bock
beer from Kansas City. It was only sold in Kansas
City. I remember that. Yeah, and it's named after
the hotel. It's the same family. They had the
Muehlbach Hotel, which was the ritzy hotel back
in the 40s and 50s in Kansas City. And they had
Muehlbach Beer, which was a great beer only sold
around here. And I was digging through one of
the old sheds, and I found a perfect pristine
can of it. And it's worth a lot of money, but
that's another one that I lost when I lost the
collection. So, Jesse, thank you for your concern.
I wish I had it, but I don't. And thank you,
Jesse, for being a longtime listener because
it's been a while since he mentioned that. Oh,
yeah, yeah. You know what? You're right. It is
probably, I think I mentioned that when you and
I first started doing the podcast together. Yeah,
it was probably a year or two ago. Yeah. Jesse,
yeah, yeah. Thank you, Rob. That's a great point.
Jesse, thank you so much for being such a good
listener. Appreciate it. We'll send you a bag
of air as a thank you. That sound good, Rob?
Whatever you say, Mark. Okay. All right. More
police blotter, please. I love the dumb criminal
segment. Tessa in Omaha. Tessa, you're in luck.
I have three or four more ones. And there's more
to come because... Well, you're going to have
to because I got the idea from you, Rob. I got
the idea from you. Yeah, that's what I figured.
Yeah, I was like, man, you know what? We need
that regularly. So I was like, okay, well, I
guess I could do a segment. And I loved it so
much. Fuck every radio show has a stupid criminal.
Yeah, yeah. You know what? We're no different
here. We do stupid criminals. We feature them
because they are entertaining. So, Tessa. that's
right and tessa thank you in omaha love omaha
you ever go to the old market area well email
me back the old market area in omaha is fantastic
but the best part is fred the talking bridge
and i'm not kidding you the name is well she
needs to go back and hear about listen to my
experience oh wait i remember that and the tornadoes
and all that good shit yeah and getting stolen
from and yeah all that all that fun shit um well
my experience there was good and bad this is
another concert that was canceled without anybody
telling me anything i didn't have the uh ticket
server tell me or anything i drove all the way
up to omaha to see the gene simmons band and
this is when uh kiss's uh end of the road was
on a hiatus but it was canceled and nobody told
me nobody sent me an email or nothing i drive
all the way up there and it was supposed to be
at their orchestra center um their performing
arts center which is beautiful uh warren buffett
i think um had a lot to do with it Um, so I,
I was going to go there. Yes. And I drove all
the way up there for nothing. Yeah. I'd done
that for a couple other concerts too. So, uh,
anyhow, I, the, the lady there at the box office
felt so bad for me. She let me go up to a private
party on the roof because I drove all the way
and I got free drinks for a couple hours. She's
like, I'm so sorry. And she goes, you know what?
She goes, everybody up there, you know, is just
like a bunch of people that like helped us during
the year and everything. We throw a little party
for them every year. Go up there. No one will
know you're not supposed to be there. Just go
up there, have a few drinks, enjoy yourself.
We're sorry about all the problems. And I'm like,
sure. And it wasn't even their fault, you know?
So I was like, cool. She was very cool. So I
went up there. it is that rooftop bar and patio
was really neat i was sitting in a big recliner
looking off of that off of that building looking
at all the other skyscrapers um and and you know
the old market area which is right below us it
was great so anyhow um all right uh look like
you guys have mitch figured out well good job
he's an annoying fuck jim and casey we didn't
say that mitch jim and casey did Yeah, he's been...
Yeah, yeah. It was Jim, not us. Yep, and also,
I think he ghosted us. I sent him a message going,
hey, dude, you know, you said you want to come
on the show. You figured him out. Yeah, I...
Yeah, he... I don't know if we'll ever hear from
him again. I don't think he ever remembered that
story about, you know, he was in the backseat
with the girl that he was talking about. And
I don't think he remembered that until I said
something. And now I think he's mad again. But,
oh, well, whatever. So, Mitch, if you answer,
great. If you don't, then good luck. And where
is he moving to? Montana or Wyoming, right? If
it's true. Yeah, who knows? He's probably still
in Freeman. He's in Freeman jerking off to fucking
bass porn. I don't know. Yeah, but I love him.
I do, too. Even though he's a dick. All right.
You want to go to our featured email here? Yeah,
let's do that. And I knew this. You know what?
I re -listened to last week's show, and I knew
this was going to come up. I knew it, because
this is the way people think. Is it on you or
me? On me. Usually I don't respond to this type
of bullshit, but I'm going to on this to make
sure I'm not misunderstood only. Not because
this dumbass is accusing me. Alright, Mark, who
were you referring to as the real criminals at
Walmart on your last podcast? That proves what
you're really about. Next time, you should just
keep your mouth shut on situations like that.
That was an obvious bigoted statement. Jackie
in Manchester. Okay, Jackie, you thought what
I was saying. You were wrong. about what i was
saying and let me explain all right i was speaking
about the pack of high school students that come
in there and terrorize the store they all group
together and apparently steal the store blind
and this is what everybody there was saying the
people that work there so and also if you really
want to really feel good about the whole thing
again it was every color a kid you could imagine
every shape and form and sex that you could imagine
so it was not one single type of anything that
was the criminal element so if that makes you
feel better and makes you think that i didn't
say a bigoted statement then good but if you
don't believe it i don't necessarily fucking
care like i said i wasn't even going to respond
to this but after i listened to it i was like
some motherfucker's gonna think i said something
else and i was right okay Okay, okay. Can I interject
in this? Absolutely. Jackie, look it up. Look
his story up. That's what we tell everybody.
If you don't believe us, look it up. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, and I did look that story up, and he is
right. It was not one, it wasn't just black.
It was black, white, male, female. It was everybody.
That was all different. It drives me nuts that
people always try to read into something and
make it some sort of narrative. Don't. Can't
you just have a story that doesn't have a narrative
like that? I don't think any type of people are
a particular problem on the world. I think there's
problems with every type of person on the world.
There's issues with everything. There's issues
with all different types of people. You don't
have to be one type of person to have all the
problems. We all do. We all do. So, anyhow, Jackie,
thanks for the accusation. And you too can fuck
off. All right, Rob, let's... Turn that to you.
Well... Oh, yeah. You know the sound. God, that
was gross. I need to change my bag of garbage.
Oh. Okay, first up tonight. In 1994, Oh. Oh.
the end. Okay, I did not research to find out
what she got out of that, but I'll see what comes
up. Wow. You know, McDonald's should have done
the right thing and paid for it. Yeah, should
have. Well, has complained about for many many
years it was always too hot for me i mean it
was the kind of coffee that you had to leave
the lid off and i said a half hour before you
take a drink yeah yep yeah so okay let's go on
further reach what do you say i say do it Okay.
In April 2006, a devastating rock fall at Tasmania's
Beaconsfield gold mine left miners Brent Webb
and Todd Russell trapped nearly a kilometer underground
for two harrowing weeks. Oh, wow. Feels reasonable.
When Bump Man and Dave Grohl learned of their
situation, he sent a fax message of encouragement
promising each minor tickets to any boot fighter
show of their choice plus two cold beers once
they were safely out. That's cool. On May 9,
2006, Bump Man was rescued alive. shared a drink
with him and the band paid tribute to the experience
with an instrumental track titled Ballad of Beaconsfield
Minors. Oh, wow. That's cool. That is very cool.
That is cool. Yep, I agree. I mean, I've always
been a Dave Grohl fan as a person. And that right
there proves it, you know. Yeah, I agree. Yep,
100%, dude. Yeah, Dave Grohl, I've always liked
him. And that is Rob's bag of garbage for this
evening. All right, thank you, Rob. Let's take
our second break, and I got a little story I'll
go into, and then we'll go into some more of
your stuff. That sound like a plan? Oh, what?
Sounds good. Two douchebags and microphone in
an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. What in the devil?
My bank is really out of calendars. What do they
expect me to do? Go to Walmart and buy a $3 calendar?
This is complete bullshit. I am outraged. Hello,
this is Phineas J. Valtaris III. I'm here to
deliver your music news this evening. Faith No
More and Mr. Bungle lead singer Mike Patton was
falsely identified as a sexual predator in Ohio.
A person that has Mike's same name confused Google
AI and then identified the singer as a predator.
Mike Patton, the singer, is working on getting
the false information scrubbed off the internet.
This is only the tip of the iceberg. This is
Phineas J. Baltar S. III. That has been your
music news for this evening. I have one burning
question for you all. Do people really skip around
the Maypole? Next up, things overheard in hell.
Dishwater has the top ten spots on Billboard
Hot 100. Hey, look. I think we found land. Oh,
my God. I think we're safe. Oh, no. It's an island
of horrible jokes. What did the horse say after
it tripped? I've fallen and I can't giddy up.
Your mama's so fat, she uses Google Earth to
take a selfie. Two douchebags and a microphone.
There is no escape. Enter at your own risk. You
will not make it out. Run while you still can,
bitches. Hey, if you're a fan of paying way too
much for trinkets and food, well, your wish is
coming true. Kansas City International Airport
Guest Pass program is starting today. Yes, you
too could overspend on workless trinkets and
$15 cups of coffee. Want to buy a $50 cheap t
-shirt that has KC Western Auto Building image
on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue sauce
gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40 on your
firstborn. Hurry, you know rubes are jumping
all over to get to this complete ripoff. Because
people are sheep. Introducing Rob Rad's new book,
How to Track Your Enemy by Seth. That's right,
smell your enemy before they get you. Order this
gem now and get a free virtual tour of Rob's
secret bunker in Camderton, Missouri. Also receive
a free copy of his new book, How to Clean Raw
Sewage for Food. Have you ever wondered what
something is about? Have you ever looked at something
and said, hey, I wonder what the origin of that
is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you
The Origin Of. This is the origin of Rob Rad's
loincloth. Rob used to strip in a nightclub called
McCock's on the city's east side. Rob was the
only completely new dancer at the club. The other
dancers were jealous of Rob making all the cash
and made him use a loincloth to dance with. Rob
soon had to wear his loincloth daily. He found
out that he could get out of traffic tickets,
sell vinyl siding, and pick up hotties at the
come and go. Rob now wears his loincloth everywhere
except work. Sparks plus pubic hair equals to
bad things. Two douchebags and microphone. I'm
Mark here in the Kansas City area at the Talk
is Cheap studio. And I am Rob in Wheeland, Missouri,
home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and
Water Track, and also home of Ikemo General Store,
where you can find anything and everything you
want, including this sincron. And the duck watch
studio. And police grade handcuffs. I'll figure
it out. Fair enough. It was a last minute deal.
So, Rob, you know, you want to hear the think
you're having a bad day department. All right.
A Nebraska man died after getting pinned between
his vehicle and a McDonald's drive -thru window
in what police called a freak accident. The victim,
identified by authorities as 69 -year -old Michael
Dickinson, was found trapped underneath his car
in the payment window at the McDonald's restaurant
in Grand Island, Nebraska, about 24 miles southwest
of Lincoln, just before 10 .30 a .m. Tuesday.
KSNB reported. The man was taken to a nearby
emergency room where he was pronounced dead.
Grand Island Police Division Chief Dean Elliott
told the news station that the incident was 100
% a freak accident. It appears the deceased opened
the door to further reach out the window for
payment purposes, Elliott said. We're not sure
if the vehicle lunged forward or what happened,
but he got pinched between the door frame and
the drive -thru window counter. Yeah, that sounds
painful as hell. Dickinson was the only person
inside the vehicle at the time of the incident,
police said. As the incident unfolded, a McDonald's
employee went outside to help Dickinson. Dickinson.
Yeah, it is Dickinson. The employee reported
trying to help through the passenger side of
the vehicle, but got hurt in the process. The
employee was taken. in an ambulance to a hospital,
but he is expected to recover, according to the
report. The Grand Island Police Department's
accident reconstruction team is helping with
the investigation currently, and it just appears
to be a horrible accident of a guy that just
made the wrong move. So, there you go. You can
die anywhere for all different kinds of dumb
reasons. Rob, let's turn it to you. Okay, well,
I have a new one up. I ran across one. It is
one of my two -part stories that are just lists.
Tonight and it'll be Wednesday night until we
record again. I'm going to go into unspoken prison
rules. Then decide who survives inside. Love.
And I know that Duke is going to love this since
he used to be a prison guard. Okay, first up.
And this is to anybody that might be facing prison
time. We're not judging. Yep. First rule, respect
the shower situation. Showers are a battleground
of respect and hierarchy. In many prisons, certain
showers are claimed by specific racial or social
groups, and using the wrong one could lead to
immediate conflict. Knowing when and where to
shower and observing who uses each area is key.
Additionally, cleanliness is not optional. Being
messy or leaving hair and grime behind can turn
even the mildest cellmate into an adversary.
Respect goes a long way, even in the smallest
of spaces. And now you start to see where I'm
going. Yes, I do. Okay, number two. And this
is ten. I'm going to do five tonight. Okay. Footwear
and present isn't just about comfort. It's a
signal. If you see inmates wearing boots instead
of casual flip -flops or sneakers, it's often
a sign of tension. Boots mean readiness, often
for a fight. Observing these details upon arrival
at a new facility can provide insights into the
mood of the environment. Paying attention to
these cues can help you avoid walking into danger
unknowingly. Dude, I never thought about that.
No? Pretty cool. Keep going. This is stuff, yeah,
that you don't normally think of anyhow. Yeah,
well, okay, and then there are some that you
do think of, like this one. Okay. Master of the
Art Rules. Okay. The prison is a high -stakes
arena where alliances, disputes, and deals play
out. Different groups coin specific areas. and
violating these unspoken boundaries can escalate
quickly. The yard is also a hub for physical
activity and social connections, making it a
vital part of survival. Learning where you can
and cannot go is crucial to avoiding trouble.
That's pretty much enough. Yeah. If you know
anything about prison. Yeah. to politics. Prison
politics dictate who holds power and how conflicts
are resolved. Each group typically has a leader
known as a shop caller who makes decisions on
behalf of their group. Before taking any action,
especially one that might escalate into violence,
inmates often consult these leaders. The system
might seem rigid, but understand it can keep
you out of trouble and ensure conflicts are handled
in a structured way. That makes sense. It does.
Every group has its leaders. Yeah, yep. Every
army. I mean, we are pack animals. We have our
people down. Yep. And like I said, this is a
two -parter, so we'll have five more next show.
Okay. Number five, know the TV room dynamics.
The television room isn't a place for casual
lounging. It's a microcosm of prison hierarchy.
Seats and channels are often claimed by specific
groups and taking someone's spot. is an easy
way to start a fight. While mingling is allowed,
you don't intrude or overstep the place. Observing
and respecting the unspoken rules here can help
you avoid unnecessary conflicts. Okay. And that
is it for tonight, and I will have the next slide
on the next podcast. That sounds good, Rob. Thank
you. I like that segment. That's pretty cool.
All right, Rob, do you want to keep going? It
is 9 .14. You have to get up pretty early. Well,
actually, I did kind of have one more. Oh, go
ahead. Did I tell about the older woman at the
Christmas dinner? I don't think so. You don't?
Okay, well... All right. You'll understand when
I say that. Okay. Dude, I laughed out loud when
I read this one. Okay, Florida. Uh -huh. Tampa
police arrested 29 -year -old Burrell Sanders
after a Christmas dinner exploded into chaos
when she was discovered in the pantry. Okay.
Have I told this one? No, I don't think so. Okay,
good. According to witnesses, Pharrell and her
ex, Logan, broke up in October after she keyed
his truck for emotional reasons. Okay. Oh, man.
Logan screamed. The stepdad tripped over a bag
of flour. Burrell shouted, everyone here needs
to stop judging my feeling. Okay. police arrest
served for trespassing inciting a disturbance
and creating an emotionally unsafe holiday environment
as she was escorted out Burrell yelled I'm the
only honest one here yes very much so wow okay
wow um thank you rob um all right uh i guess
we'll go ahead and get off here it's almost 9
20 we both have to get up fairly early so you're
a little bit earlier than me so all right well
rob okay all right well i leave let's see i gotta
leave here about 7 20 okay i got it i got an
hour or something on you and sleeping so um all
right rob have a good night thank you i'll talk
to you wednesday night anyhow good night assholes
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark
has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.