Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Hey everybody, this is Uncle
Rob. I'm going to give you some tips for life.
Record loud train noise on your phone. That way
you won't take any big dumps. Next up, things
overheard in hell. Hell proudly serves best choice
instant coffee. The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do. You don't know where
to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Hi all, this is Mark here. I'm usually the one
telling you what to eat during an apocalypse.
Well, this time I decided to go the other way.
You ever consider just going to ground zero and
saying, fuck it? Do you really want to be the
guy running around looking for radioactive deer,
guessing whether water is not contaminated or
not? No food, no shelter, no nothing. Oh no,
there's a strong argument that says, you know
what? Let's just go to ground zero and see what's
for us after. Just a thought. Tomorrow morning,
while grinding your coffee beans for your double
mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals
caught in the grinder. It really hurts, and who
can afford plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone.
Oh, my. Would you look at the Riley scattering?
It sure is brilliant tonight. First off, you're
on private property. Second, you're in my flower
garden. Third... If you're talking about the
sunset, yes, it is stunning. And finally, would
you get the hell off my property, you annoying
fucking bastard? Hey, if you're a fan of paying
way too much for trinkets and food, well, your
wish is coming true. Kansas City International
Airport Guest Pass program is starting today.
Yes, you too could overspend on workless trinkets
and $15 cups of coffee. Want to buy a $50 cheap
t -shirt that has KC Western Auto Building image
on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue sauce
gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40 on your
firstborn. Hurry, you know rubes are jumping
all over to get to this complete ripoff. Because
people are sheep. Heya, Yankers. We often think
many things are just true because we've heard
it our whole lives. That's why here at Two Douchebags
and Microphone, we developed the segment, Not
True. We investigate and uncover the real truth
of what happened. We've heard for years that
Einstein was so intelligent he could not figure
out how to tie his shoe. The fact is, he disliked
wearing socks. He would put socks over his shoes
to avoid tying them. He believed tying shoelaces
was an incredible waste of time. So were Crocs
when Einstein needed them. Our constant pursuit
for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults
from an alien. Real hilarity. May your spoon
always slip and sink into your hot soup. hi everybody
this is two douchebags and microphone i am one
of your hosts i am mark i am here in the kansas
city area that is what i like to call the talk
is cheap studio that i'm sitting in right now
with my brand new recliner chair that barely
fits in here but it's great because i brought
my feet up and it feels good but um anyhow i
also make goat noises so and i turn it to my
co -host Lucas Oil Speedway, and Water Track,
and also home of the beautiful Highway 54 RV
Park in the Duck and Bart studio. All right.
And the Water Track is very cool. I'm not sure
if everybody quite knows what that is. So, Rob,
do you want to do an explanation, or do you want
me to? And they just run. It's wild. They are
cooler than hell. If you ever get a chance to
watch, watch the boat races at the racetrack.
They're very cool. Actually, you could probably
go online and find some videos of a half -lucas
oil. I'm sure. Well, they have all kinds of videos
that that track does. I'm pretty sure they have
some of the modern track, too, which I tell anyone,
take a look at it. They're very cool. So whether
you go and watch them in person or not is one
thing, but just take a look at them. You'll be
surprised. You'll be like, wow, that shit's cool.
Like the bus races and stuff like that. There's
all kinds of cool shit that they do. Yeah, and
they rattle the windows in the Doug Warren studio.
I'm literally... Very cool. All right. All right.
Well, the Walmart caper number four went on today.
You know, I've been going into Walmart, and the
same old man has been checking receipts, even
though, you know, you're not legally bound to.
If you join a Costco or a Sam's Club, when you
sign on that dotted line there, when you agree
to their terms of service, that means that when
you leave, You are subject to have your basket
checked. Not yourself. They don't have any right
to go up and go, hey, let's see what's in your
pockets or nothing. But whatever's in your basket,
they have a right to inspect. And that is part
of the bylaws when you join with them. But Walmart
is not a club. It's a store. So you don't have
to submit to any type of a check in your card
at all. You're not legally required to at all.
And unless there's probable cause in which you
can always ask them, well, did you think I stole
something? And of course, they're not going to
say that. Even they, number one, you probably
didn't steal anything. Okay. And they're just
checking you like this old man does. I guess
there's probably some crime there maybe. So they
tell them to do it. And most people don't know
better, but I do know better. And I don't put
up with it. I'm like, you know, no, no, no. Did
you think I stole something? No. Yeah, I'm in
here every week. So every week it's the same
thing. Every week you come after me for this
receipt. So what I've been doing is I'll print
the receipt out. I'll have the receipt printed.
I'll put it in my right hand and I'm walking
my card out. And the old man comes up and goes,
can I see your receipt? And I go, I had it emailed
to me. And he's looking at this piece of paper
in my hand that looks like a receipt. But he
can't say anything, right? Remember, we've been
going over that, right? And he can't go, well,
what's that? Or that's a receipt or you're lying
to me. He can't do that. So I'm just like, you
know, so I just go to him with it in my hand.
I go, I had an email to me. And then he's like,
well, can you bring up your email? I'm like,
certainly not. Well, why not? I don't have enough
time. I'm leaving. Did I do anything wrong? No.
Okay, then watch me walk through the door and
leave me the hell alone. So that's what happens.
And one time there was a cop there, a Kansas
City, Missouri policeman, and he was just like,
you know, he didn't care. He knew I could go.
So this guy now, he comes up to me, and this
time I really did have it sent to my email to
prove a point. Okay, so I'm leaving, and the
guy walks up to me. And he's at the front door
and also the exit. They're both the same. And
he goes, can I see your receipt? And I go, I
had an email to me. Well, can you bring up your
email? And I go, yeah, sure. So I purposely logged
out of my email. And then I kept trying to log
back in, but I kept giving it the wrong password.
So it wouldn't log me back in. So there's people
behind me waiting. They're all getting impatient,
right? And so I'm like, man, I'm trying. I don't
know what's going on here. It booted me out of
my email. I just, you know, and I go, here, here.
I think I remember what it was. So I keep screwing
with him, right? And these people behind me.
So he starts to take people behind me. I go,
wait a minute, wait a minute. No, no, no, no,
no. You don't let anyone in front of me. I said,
you're here checking my receipt. Check my fucking
receipt. Either that or let me go. So he's like,
all right. And he goes, you know you can download
the app. And I go, you know what? I said, I'm
not ever going to download that fucking app.
And you know why? I said, because I'll get relentless
commercials constantly. You guys are selling
to me. I've downloaded apps like that before,
and all I get is advertisements. No, I'm not
doing it. So I said, are you going to wait for
me to get on my email, or are you going to let
me go? And I go, actually. You can't let me go
anyhow. I said, I can leave right now. I said,
I'm just doing this to be nice. I'm trying to
find my receipt to show you. So I'm sitting there
fumbling through it, fumbling through it. And
I went back there and people start walking around
me and just going out and going, I'm not waiting.
So finally, after about five minutes of this,
he goes, go ahead and go. I go, well, wait a
minute. You want to see my receipt? No, no, no.
Go ahead. Are you sure? I go, I'll bring it up.
I said, it might take me a minute, but I'll bring
it up for you. I said, well, I'll prove to you
I'm not stealing. He goes, no, no, no, no. And
I go, all right. I go, then the next time I come
in here, what are you going to do? I'm going
to leave you alone. I said, okay. All right.
Do we have an agreement? Yes, we do. Next time
I come through here, what are you going to do?
I'm going to look the other way. Okay. See you
later. Have a good day. He was pissed. Do you
blame me, Rob? It irritates the piss out of me
that they think I'm dumb enough that they think
I'm not going to question something like that
and just automatically do it. You know, don't
treat me like a criminal. I didn't steal anything
from you. Leave me the hell alone. Why don't
you go after the people that you know are criminals
and you can leave people like me alone. You know,
that's the way I feel about it is don't come
after me. You know, I'm not stealing anything,
but you got to put on a show. You got to put
on a show and you got to act like, oh, yeah,
I'm checking everybody to be fair. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no. You're not being fair. What
you're doing is you're putting on a show for
everybody. So no one can come back and go to
you and go, well, you didn't check him. It's
complete bullshit and I'm not having it. Uh,
anyhow, I think I finally won that round, but
I still think I'm going to start going to a different
Walmart or just leaving Walmart alone altogether.
I'm getting really sick of their bullshit. I
can tell you that. So, um, anyhow, um, so I'm
going to move on here. A, um, AI generated police
report states a Utah officer was turned into
a frog, Rob. An AI -generated police report states
a Utah officer was turned into a frog. This is
AI. I'm telling you, we can get rid of AI. I'm
telling you. It does a great job on me, though.
I love the images that came up of me the other
day. That was funny. Those were awesome, man.
They were. They were. If you haven't seen them,
get on the Two Deuce Data microphone or Facebook
page. Yes, and it's on there. One with my hair
kind of like it is now, and then the other one
with long hair. And this all was just, it just
came out generically. I didn't mean to do it.
I was trying to get bong images in Nikolai Tesla
and Mark Twain and some other figures. But it
won't do bongs to anybody that's passed away,
I guess. Or at least my version of what I use
won't do it. Because it says it's detrimental
to their memory. So I was sitting there trying
to do this. I'm like, okay, how about a cigar?
So I'm trying to get this. And somehow AI thought
it was going to do me. So all of a sudden it
pops up a picture of me. smoking a cigar with
all this steampunk gear on, which I think is
cool. Oh, that was the other thing I was doing.
I was trying to make it all steampunk stuff,
because I know steampunk is old and all that.
I still love it, though. I still think it's great,
and I'm not done with it yet. Everyone else may
be, but I'm not. Well, to be honest, it looks
good on you. That picture, it does. No, it does.
I liked it a lot. I thought it did a great job.
It made you look like 20 years younger. Yeah,
I love that. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed that a
lot. That was good. The thing was, it was a really
good portrait of me, actually. I mean, it wasn't
so far offline that you couldn't tell it was
me. It looked exactly like me. It was just spruced
up a bit, I would say. What would you say? Something
like that, maybe? Yeah. So, anyhow, United Press
International, January 5th, a Utah Police Department's
use of artificial intelligence led to a police
report stating falsely that an officer had been
transformed into a frog. The Herber City Police
Department stated using a pair of AI programs,
Draft 1 and Code 4, to automatically generate
police reports from body camera footage in December.
A report generated by the draft, one program
mistakenly reported that an officer had been
turned into a frog. I love that. Isn't that great?
That's awesome. The body cam software and the
AI report writing software picked up on the movie
that was playing in the background, which happened
to be The Princess and the Frog. Do you see this
same thing happened to me? It's because I'm...
It picked up on me and decided to do an AI image
of me instead of Mark Twain or somebody. So it's
pretty cool that it's interesting. It'll pick
up things in the background and then do that
like this did. So the princess and the frog was
playing. Sergeant Rick Kill told Fox 13 News.
That's when we learned the importance of correcting
these AI generated reports. Kill said the department
will continue using AI programs, but with more
oversight. I'm saving myself about six to eight
hours a week now, Kill said. I'm not the most
tech -savvy person, so it's very user -friendly.
Draft 1 was released in 2024 by Axon, the same
company that produces the Taser stun gun. The
program uses OpenAI's chat GPT -4 to transcribe.
Sorry, I got a little bit of... Okay, let me
try this again. OpenAI's chatbot GPT -4 to transcribe
body camera footage. And I saw a car sticker
that said Aussie Osport Edition. Have you seen
any of those, Rob? No, I have not. They're silver
and they look really cool. And it says... So,
it said, you know, Ozzy Osbourne Edition. It
goes on a car. It's pretty cool. It was on a
souped -up Challenger. It had a silver sticker
on the back window that said Ozzy Osbourne Edition.
It looks really cool. Okay, now that would look
good. That would look good. It does. I have one
coming in the mail soon. And I'm going to...
They were out of them. They only have one left.
I'm going to order another couple. And when I
do, when they come in, I'll give you one when
I see you. So... I'll put it on this back mobile.
Well, I'm not going to put it on my Jeep, because
I already have Diary of a Madman seat covers
on my Jeep front seats. I want the sticker for
in here, the Talk is Cheap Studio. I think it'll
look great here. Well, I could put it at the
very top of the back window, and I think it would
go good there. I don't know. We'll find out.
No, I think... If I can get a few more of them,
hopefully I get one for each. Yeah. I'll put
one on my Jeep sticker, and then I'll have the
seat covers to match. The seat covers I love,
and the interesting thing is I got them from
Walmart .com. It was just a suggestion that came
up, and they're really cool seat covers. It's
the Diary of a Madman actual album cover art
on it. Yeah. And it's really cool. Yes. I couldn't
find one. I know those would be hard to find.
Those are lost. It's hard to find anything. Yeah.
Because it was such a great album. You see, I'm
more of a fan of the artwork on Diary of a Madman.
Yeah, I know you are. Yeah, and the reason is
the imagery and everything. I mean, it's just
to me. I've always loved the macabre. horror
stuff. To me, it's right in line with all of
that, you know, with Ozzy Osbourne there, this
monster -looking Ozzy after he did this potion.
It's just really cool. So, anyhow. So, when I
get the sticker, I think I'm going to put it
somewhere here in the Talk is Cheap studio. But
I want to have a public service announcement
here real quick, Rob, okay? Alright. Okay. Every
time the Raiders fire a head coach, we need to
change our smoke detector battery. Very important.
Yeah, it's about the same time again. Yeah, yeah.
So once a year. Once a year. Yeah, whatever the
Raiders fire their head coach, once a year, remember
to check your smoke detector and carbon monoxide
detector batteries. So it's very important. when
they got rid of Gruden? Yeah, they haven't found
someone ever since then, have they? Blame John
Gruden. Blame John Gruden. Everybody else does.
John Gruden is going to be back in the NFL, mark
my words. Oh, yeah, I can see it coming, too.
You know those emails that he was referring to?
They never did release them. So that tells me
there's a lot of incriminating stuff with a lot
of other people on there that they don't want
released. It all went hush -hush really quick,
and John Gruden went bye -bye really, really
quick. Now think about it. One of the Harbaughs
is leaving. Mm -hmm. Yeah. John Harbaugh. Yeah.
Actually... That'd be a good spot for Gruden.
That would be a great spot for him. As a matter
of fact, that would be scary to see the Ravens
in his hand. I was really surprised that John
Harbaugh got fired, though. I really was. Really?
Yeah. He would have been back in the playoffs
again. Playoffs this year. But his kicker. You
know, let him down. And it happens. He's a young
kicker, and it happens. I'm not calling the guy
an idiot or horrible or nothing like that. It
happens. You do. It was 44 -yarder. It wasn't
quite a chip shot, but it was very makeable.
Probably about a 70 % chance of making it. The
thing is, is when he kicked it, he knew. He knew
he missed it because it went off the side of
his foot. As soon as he kicked it, he looked
down. He knew it. He didn't even look up. He
knew. But that wasn't necessarily John Harbaugh's
fault. No, how can that be the coach's fault?
It isn't. But I got to thinking, I think that
John Harbaugh probably got fired over his body
of work. And I'll put it like this. Okay. He
always usually comes up with a winning record
unless... Lamar Jackson's hurt. And he usually
makes it to the playoffs. But the deal is, is
they want someone that's going to win some playoff
games. And Harbaugh, I mean, I'm sorry, but I
mean, it's been Mahomes' league. And I'm not
just saying that because I'm a Chiefs homer.
I'm an admitted Chiefs homer. I live in Kansas
City. I have. You know, I've been a Chiefs fan.
I was born and raised there. Yeah. But the whole
thing is, It's been Mahomes' league, and it's
not necessarily Harbaugh's fault. I mean, the
only team to beat them and go to the Super Bowl
in the AFC was the Cincinnati Bengals. Yeah,
and also at the same time, the one year that
Mahomes and the Chiefs aren't there that they
could possibly get in, they're not there. And
I'm sure that that bothered the piss out of the
management, too. Oh. But think of all the pressure
that's on Josh Allen now and Sean McDermott because
if they don't make it this year, I don't think
they're ever going to make it, honestly. I really
don't. This year, they finally got the Chiefs
out of the way. They don't have to take them
out themselves, which they've been unable to
do. So... Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, the
Broncos, the Patriots, this first game, the one
Saturday against Jacksonville, is not going to
be a joke. Jacksonville won their division, and
they have to go to Jacksonville. Trevor Lawrence
is playing at a high level in key moments. Yeah,
he is. Their defense really looks good. They're
not a patsy. They're going to be hard to beat.
And the Bills, it's going to take everything
they've got to beat them. So if the Bills need
to be on their A game, and they can beat them,
but they're going to have to do everything just
right. Because Jacksonville's not a patsy. You
can look at their body of work and see all the
teams that they did beat. They beat a lot of
really good teams this year, including the Chiefs.
Yeah, they did. Yeah, so it's going to be interesting.
All right, and finally here, Rob, you know what
third space is? Have you ever heard of that,
third space? No. Hey, you know what? Let's have
new guy. Let's have new guy explain it, even
though he's a surly bitch. You want to? I can't
find anyone else to do it for pencil shavings,
Rob. So we got to keep him for right now. So,
all right. Hey, new guy. You know, I just had
a wedding and Christmas. Yeah, all I could afford
was 50 bucks. Well, I mean, that's the thing
is he's doing it for pencil shavings and 50 bucks
he got it, you know, a month ago. So, I mean,
I kind of got to keep him for right now. Anyhow,
I mean, he mother fucks us, but who cares? He's
doing the job. So, hey, hey, new guy. Hey, bitch,
bitch. Hey, come over and explain this. What
is third space? And do it right. Hello, this
is the new guy. And I guess these two dimwits
want me to explain third space. Whatever that
is. Okay, here's what I got. A cafe, a dog park,
a gym, a library, a playground, a bar. We often
take these spaces for granted. Many of us float
through them daily, ordering coffee, getting
our puppy some exercise, working out, grabbing
a book, watching our child play, or grabbing
a drink with a friend. However, these places
are far more important than just their expected
functions. Experts call them third spaces or
third places. Not a workplace. Not our home,
but an additional space that plays a vital role
in our personal and societal well -being. They're
where we go to socialize, said Rick Kite and
ethics professor Vertebo, University in Wisconsin.
It's a place we make connections and where we
build friendships. Kite is the author of the
book, Finding Your Third Place, building happier
communities and making great friends along the
way. He sees third spaces as a key tool to combat
the growing loneliness epidemic among American
adults, which exploded during the pandemic and
still persists. The first, yeah, first one. Oh,
he just slammed the door. He's pissed. You're
getting the ass paddling, you asshole. Sorry.
Yep. Be that way, that's what you get. Oh, yeah.
Man, I'll tell you. All right, Rob, let's turn
it over to you while new guy is storming out
there. Oh, he tripped. I'm looking out the window
now. He tripped over the bottom step there. Oh,
shit. Yeah. Yeah, he's pissed. He better not
smack my car. He's looking at it. Motherfucker,
you touch my Jeep, I'll kill you. No, he went
on. Okay. All right, Rob, we're turning it over
to you, aren't we? So go ahead. Yeah, yeah, it's
nice having a window in front of you, huh? Yeah.
I got a window in front of me, too. That way
I can see if anybody's coming at me. Yeah. Okay,
well, I'm going to go into Lake of the Ozark.
Oh, hell yeah. Even though I don't live there
anymore. This one's an interesting one. Okay.
I know right where this happened. A distracted
driver caused a five -vehicle crash in Camden
County on Monday evening. On January 5th at 7
.30 p .m., Lake Creek police officers were conducting
a traffic stop. on Highway 54 near Cross Creek,
which is up towards the top of the hill by the
Campton Walmart. Okay. If you know the area.
Like I said, I used to go there quite a few years
ago. I had a girlfriend that lived there for
a while. And I do know, basically, Yeah, yeah,
I know where you're talking about. Well, Rose
Creek is pretty much on the backside of Hampton
Walmart. Yeah, okay, I know about where you're
at. More or less, you know what I mean? I know
about where you're at, okay. Well, during the
traffic stop, a distracted motorist struck a
vehicle and then struck the officer's vehicle.
The incident went... Bye. contest. That's what
we've always been saying. I mean, they must write
a lot of tickets. That sounds good. I'd love
to know. Yeah, because that's going to be funny.
That will be funny. And I would like to know
if they get another Tesla, if it's maxed out
or not. Yeah, keep us informed, please. They'll
probably end up with a Beamer. That'd be even
funnier to see a Beamer get maxed out, wouldn't
it? Yeah, yeah. All right. Is that it, Rob? Yeah,
that was it. All righty. We'll come right back
with some emails and also the question of the
week. We got a few responses. Can you believe
that? Sounds good. All righty. Cool. Wait right
here. We'll be right back. It's over there. Hey
there, slap nuts. It's time for the Creeps Music
News. Hey, my little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny
Rohypnol with your music news. John Karabi, former
lead singer of Motley Crue and The Scream, has
a new album coming out on April 24th called New
Day. You can pre -order the album online. The
effort features guitars like Richard Fortis from
Guns N' Roses, Paul Taylor from winger Steve
Perry, On keyboards, Marty Freckerson, producer
of multi -instrumentalist and Charlie Starr from
Blackberry Smoke on guitar solos, alongside Evan
Freckerson on drums and bass. This should be
a pretty good album. Sure has a lot of talent
to go with it. This is Johnny Rohypnol. That
was your music news. And remember, bar chords
are bullshit. Two douchebags and microphone in
an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. Damn it. The city services
website is down again. I can't believe this.
I'm going to have to actually call and talk to
someone to pay my damn trash bill. This is ridiculous.
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for
brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
A goat farm in Montana has a parrot trained to
call the goats in for dinner every night. Your
mama's so fat, when she went out to the pier,
people tried to board her. Strange, but true.
In 1994, the U .S. military attempted to develop
a bomb that would turn the enemy gay using female
hormones as a weapon. A proposal for a six -year,
$7 .5 million grant was requested to see if it
could cause a biological reaction in the troops.
This is Joshua Belmont, your food for thought
man on The Hustle. Today, we would like to celebrate
Mr. Timothy J. Brottux, who is credited for the
invention of two -ply toilet paper. Because of
you, Timmy, we no longer have to spend ten minutes
scrubbing our fingernails after every dump. Mr.
Brutox, you are a true hero. Oh, Lord! That man
just sawed a puppy in half! Hey there. Don't
worry. I have a clown nose. Oh, no! That drunk
guy just hit my child! It is okay. I have a clown
nose. Clown Nose, just put one on and you can
do anything. Want to run for office? Murder people
in public? Just grab a Clown Nose and bam, everyone
laughs. Clown Noses are sold at gag stores online
and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and
make magic happen. Oh man, what the fuck is this?
Is this a new feature? What's inside Mark's head?
Sounds stupid to me. Hmm, is Alanis Morissette
still pissed off? Have you ever wondered what
something came about? Have you ever looked at
something and said, Hey, I wonder what the origin
of that is? Well, so have we. That's why we give
you The Origin Of. This is the origin of Rob
Rad's loincloth. Rob used to strip in a nightclub
called McCock's on the city's east side. Rob
was the only completely new dancer at the club.
The other dancers were jealous of Rob making
all the cash and made him use a loincloth to
dance with. Rob soon had to wear his loincloth
daily. He found out that he could get out of
traffic tickets, sell vinyl siding, and pick
up hotties at the come and go. Rob now wears
his loincloth everywhere except work. Sparks
plus pubic hair equals to bad things. Our constant
pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange
insults from an alien. Real hilarity. May every
time you put on your shoelaces, the laces be
tied in a knot. This is Two Douchebags, and in
microphone, I am Mark, here on the Kansas City
chapter of this here podcast, at the Talk is
Cheap studio, and I like to make goat noises.
And I am Rob, in Wheatland, Missouri, home of
the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and Water
Track. Also home to the beautiful, well -manucured,
Highway 54 RV park in the Doug Black studio.
Excellent. That's as far as I can take it. I'm
running out of breath. You know what? I scaled
mine back, too. It just finally is like, okay.
We agreed I cannot. No, no, no. I agree. I agree.
Just keep it right there. We're fine. It is a
beautiful town. That's good. A lot of great people.
Great people. So, yeah. I'm envious of you. Man,
that's such beautiful country down there. All
right. Got some emails here. And then, like I
said, after that, we're going to go into the
question of the week, which we're going to start
trying to do every podcast. So we should have
one on here. I think I've got one ready. If not,
then I better get to fucking cracking. So, all
right. The first one. Mark. Yeah. You remember
that too. Truth is, that was a good trick. I
still owe you, asshole. I will come on the show,
but after I move and get settled in. We'll probably
be closer to spring. By the way. I never was
trying to trick you with Clint. I thought you
all knew it was me all along. I gave you guys
enough hints. Rob, I still like you much better
than Mark. Montana Mitch. Got anything, Rob?
I know why he hates me. I told the story why
he hates me. You know. Right. Yeah, running in
a field with a boner thinking a cop's behind
you. Good trick. Pisses people off, though. Montana
Mitch now, I guess, is his name. He claims he
wasn't trying to fool us with that fake email
and Clint, but I don't believe him. I think he
was, and he got busted. What do you think? I
don't know. But I'm glad he finally kept it clean.
Yeah, well, he let loose with a little bit too
much information, and I don't think he... Yeah,
because if I remember right, I liked you a lot,
and we were pretty tight. Well, I liked him a
lot, too. I liked him a lot, too, but, you know,
like I explained to him, you know, that was Denise's
car, and he was in there fucking trying to bang
that chick in the back, which wasn't cool. It
was her car. She didn't want that car. Okay,
okay, wait a second. blonde -haired bus girl.
Okay, okay, bus girl. Okay. No, no, no, not your
ex. We went over this. No, no, no, not her. She
is a bus girl. Yeah, I need my memory kicked
here. Yeah, yeah, and you know, the best thing
to do was just do what I did. Pump the brakes,
say fuck, and then They take it on themselves
to think it's a cop. And then when I go cop,
they're sure it's a cop. And, you know, and they
got their pants, all that stuff, you know. But
anyhow, I explained to him, hey, you know what?
I mean, how would you like it if someone's trying
to fucking bang in your backseat and getting
that gunk everywhere and all that? So anyhow.
All right. Next one. Hey, Mark, which coffee
is your favorite? Iced, frappe, or hot? Rossington
in Dallas. Ross, thank you. What's up, Ross?
And also, Rob, you answered yours too. I know
you're a sweet tea guy, but if you drank coffee,
which would it be? Would it be hot? Would it
be iced or frappe? Actually, you see, for many
years, I think I drank like three pots. Me too.
So I'm going to have to go with the ice because
my stomach cannot handle that heat no more. I
think it's the heat. It is. I don't know. It
hurts my stomach. It gives me GERD horribly.
Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. It just makes me
want to purple over. And vomit. I mean, yeah.
I'm like cramping sore, you know. No, I... I
agree. And that's the same with me, too. Same
answer as Rob. But I think it's the heat. Yeah.
It is the heat. Because I can drink iced coffee.
Actually, I'm more of a cappuccino. I love cappuccino.
Yep. I'm more of a cappuccino, to be honest.
The more mocha I can get, the better. I agree
with you, Rob. I like a good frappe, too. But
it's got to be made right. It can't be sugary.
They make other ones. Like coffee shops I go
to, like City Market Coffee and all that, they're
not real sugary. Right. And not like the Starbucks
stuff that's like, I don't know, has 10 pounds
of fucking sugar in a little cup. I mean, to
me, that stuff's gross. Yeah, just like McDonald's
or anywhere else. Yeah, it's gross. It's too
sweet to me. Now, if you go to a good coffee
shop, a good frappe is... I like that, and I'll
order it occasionally. But with you, Rob, I like
an iced coffee that has a good flavor. There's
like Messenger Coffee around Kansas City, City
Market Coffee Roasters. There's another spot
that I found that I really like. Besides, there's
a place up the road. Let's see, what is the name
of it? I can't think of the name of it. But there's
another one called The Filling Station that's
really good. So, I mean, there's a lot of good
coffees around. So, all right. Mark, what flavor
of dip is the best for chicken nuggets? Wesley
in Chattanooga. All right, Rob, I'm going to
defer that to you first, and then I'll tell you
mine. For chicken nuggets. For chicken nuggets.
No. Crow's Coffee is the name of it right up
the road. I heard. I would have to go with a
barbecue sauce. We'll just say at lunch I grab
some chicken nuggets at Casey's. I would grab
the Sweet Baby Ray's. Oh, okay. That's a good
choice. That's what they have. Oh, okay. Sweet
Baby Ray's is good. Yeah, yeah. I don't eat chicken
nuggets. It's not ground up chicken assholes.
It's not ground up chicken assholes with glue.
I agree. I mean, I got the kids raised. I don't
have to eat chicken nuggets anymore. Yeah, good
point. I ate enough. Good point. I got tired
of them. Wesley in Chattanooga. Wasn't an interesting
question. I'm going to go. Thank you, Wesley.
Yeah, thank you. If I remember correctly, didn't
he email us about a month ago? I remember the
name Wesley and Chad and Nuga. I believe he did.
It doesn't matter. Okay. I'm going to go with
honey mustard, unless there's a really good spicy
brown mustard. I'll use that. Yeah, but I also
love barbecue sauce with them. Either way, you
can't go wrong. Ranch is good. If it's a really
good buttermilk ranch, I can deal with that,
too. If you're eating nuggets, you need to go
ketchup. Who cares? Yeah, ketchup is great, too.
Depends on what you've got available. Alright,
next one. The music news segment blows. You only
cover rock music. Jimbo in Houston. Not true.
Rob is our country guy, and he does... Yeah,
and I have not gotten on any of it yet. It's
a little busy, everybody knows that. Yeah, yeah.
But I will get on that. I will get on some country
news. Yeah, so, yeah, just give Rob... Country
and other genres. Yeah. Yeah, that is Rob's department,
and we love Rob doing it. He does a great job,
so there you go. Yeah, my life is just now starting
to settle down. Yeah, and you're starting to
sound a little bit more calm now. Yeah, trust
me, I am. You always sounded happy and everything.
You just sounded like you were being run pretty
ragged there, and I understand. Yeah, yeah. Thanksgiving
in there, too. So, yeah. All right. Next one.
Douches. What is the best steak sauce? A157 or
something else? Ronnie in Tulsa. The Tulsa King.
Thank you, Ronnie. Rob, what's yours? like A1
myself. A1's my favorite. A1, yeah, A1, but there's
others. I just can't pick them. We'll go with
A1. Okay, the same here, A1. This is interesting
because we had chicken nuggets with flavor and
dip, and then Ronnie in Tulsa wants to know about
the steak sauce. It's cool how, it's interesting
how stuff like this lumps together for some reason.
Yeah, for no apparent reason. Weird, but very
cool. Thank you, Ronnie. A1's our vote. Send
me back a reply. Yeah, he is the best. Oh, I
can't. Okay, forget it. I can't talk about it
yet. No, no, no. I didn't tell you. Hang on.
Let me pause this. Hang on. All right, that's
what I was talking about, Rob. Is that cool?
Okay, okay. Yo, that sounds great to me. Yeah.
Sounds great. Yeah, he didn't tell me to say
anything, so I'm not going to. No, no, but now
I know. That's awesome. Yeah, I know he doesn't
care if you know, so. All right. Right, right.
It stays right here. Yep. Next one. When is the
proper time to use Find China? Skip in Jacksonville.
Rob, I'll let you go first, and then I'll have
my answer. Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's
it. I'm going to say out in your front yard with
a $2 price tag written on it. That's how you
use your fine china. That's just me. I forgot
the redneck version. Yeah, yeah. That's my fine
china. Yes. Time to practice. I've never been
a fan of breaking out China for any type of event
at all. Hell no. Fuck no. Nobody cares. You know
what they care about? That damn piece of meat
on that plate. That's what they care about. They
care about the potatoes on it. They care about
the stuff covering the plate. Yes, not the plate
itself. And usually it's a mess when they're
done, so you still don't see it. Yeah, so. There
you go. All right. Next one. Help. Every time
I see a Danny DeVito on TV, I crave... What does
he mean, every time I see a Danny? A Danny DeVito.
I don't know what he means. Every time I see
Danny DeVito on TV. Okay, I think he put A in
there by accident. Okay. Every time I see Danny
DeVito on TV, I crave a Jersey Mike sub. What
can I do to help this? I say submit. Go buy a
Jersey Mike sub. Yes, submit. Go buy one. I wish
I had an Italian sub from there right now. I'd
be very happy. Okay, so we're in agreement, right,
Rob? Go fucking get one. Yeah. Go get one. Go
get one. Yeah, there's a few of them around town.
It's a calling. Yeah, yeah. You have to obey
your hunger. You know, like Sprite used to have,
they obey your thirst. Obey your hunger. There
you go. Go get one. Enjoy it. Next one. Rob,
could you ship a trailer axle to me pronto? I
need one badly and my cat ate my checkbook. I'll
pay you later. Please and thank you. You're the
best. Terry in Memphis. Who? Terry in Memphis.
I don't know. First off, Terry, I need to know
what size axle. Yeah. They all are different
sizes. You got three lug. You got four lug, five
lug. How big a trailer is it? I need to know.
Right back. Yeah, we can do it. See? Rob's easy
to work with like that. He cares. And actually,
since you're a listener, I'll get you a discount
on it. See? Oh, no, no, no. The cat ate his checkbook,
so he'll have to catch you later. That's what
he said. Are you going to do it? And then I will
get you a price, and then we will go from there.
I'm willing to do it. I'll get it my cost. Just
because you're a listener. Alright. Rob, you're
a good man for that, too. Alright, that's all
of the emails, but I have the question of the
week emails. Alright. I believe if I remember
the spot correctly is, it said something like
this. You wake up late for work and you have
to time manage really quickly to get to work
on time. So you got to brush your teeth, take
your meds, you got to take a dump. So what it
was asking is, is it all right to brush your
teeth while taking a dump? First, Rob, what do
you say? It's two different hands. They never
get near each other. One's clean, one's dirty.
You just clean the other end. Yeah, I will not
store my toothbrush where the sewer mist is going
to be prevalent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got
to have it a way to where when someone flushes,
the fecal matter doesn't float in the air and
all that stuff in the mist. No, no. I totally
agree. Yes. Go for it. Same here. I agree, too.
But there's a lot of people who don't think like
that. Let me get to it. We have, let's see, one,
two, three, four. We have four replies. I'm pretty
impressed with that. Four people bothered to
answer, Rob. That's pretty good. I think it is.
Wow. Yeah. Okay, Rich in Boston states, no fucking
way. Gross as hell. Connie doesn't say where
she's from. Connie said, I won't even leave my
toothbrush in the bathroom because of fecal mist.
Oh, same thing. Yep. Nasty. Next one. I used
to, until I read an article about E. coli mist
in the air when you flush number two. Jenny and
St. Louis. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
And then, finally, never, never, never in capitals,
so he's screaming, never, never, never, Josh
and Orlando. Nobody, we're the only two that
said they, you know, and ours has stipulations,
you know, we have to have our toothbrush well
away from the toilet and all that stuff. Yeah,
it's got to be a little ways away. If ours reads,
then you can read. Was it alright? I'll never
do it again. I guess not. That kind of surprised
me. All four of them were like a solid no. Wow,
it jumped all over it. Awesome. So the next question,
I'm going to have to figure out something. I
think I may have one made up already. I want
to make sure it's really good, though, because
this question I felt was really good. It got
four people to bite on the first one, on the
first one we've ever done. So I'm pretty excited
about that. All right, Rob, let's turn it over
to you. Well, you know what time it is. Yes,
I do. Yay, best segment ever. Anywhere. Oh, this
is something I did not know. Okay. He's talking
about physics. Physics, physicist. Yeah, there
you go. I always have a hard time with that word.
Provided this in 1958, capturing the moment a
common tool breaks the sound barrier. Wow. So
a whip actually breaks the sound barrier, and
that's the sound it makes. That's insane. All
right, let's reach for number two. All right.
Oh, God, that was nasty. Your bag of garbage?
I don't know what the hell's in the bottom of
this here. Okay. It's wet and slimy. I don't
want to know. All right. I bet it is. That's
a meteorite. Oh, my God. Her whole side is like
black. Well, it's a black and white picture.
Okay, but still. All right. Yeah, that's all
for Rob's bag of garbage this evening. All right.
Thank you, Rob. Let's go ahead and go to our
second break, and I'm going to come back with
a, hopefully, story that people like. All right,
we'll talk to you in a minute. The apocalypse
just happened. You don't know what to do. You
don't know where to go. But we can tell you what
you can eat. Okay, it's post -apocalypse, and
you're walking down the barren wasteland that
used to be a city. You find an old can of beans
lying in the middle of the road, but you do not
have a can opener. What you do then is you find
a patch of concrete, you rub the top of the can
for five minutes, then you go to the middle of
the can and squeeze it, and it should pop right
open. As much fun as an electric can opener to
the scrotum, two douchebags and a microphone.
Yes, it's true. Mark is an old bastard. It's
also true that Mark uses a lot of ibuprofen.
But Mark would like to tell you, if you see any
pictures of him roofing ibuprofen, it's obviously
fake and you're to take the pictures and tear
them up immediately. Swimming in toxic masculinity
and wiping their ass with politically correct
wash rags. Two douchebags and a microphone invade
your ear holes in three, two... One. And now,
Deep Thoughts with Mark. Coffee flavored water
doesn't sound good, but that's exactly what coffee
is. That is weird. Love them or hate them, the
NFL has it dialed in on entertainment and everything.
It really does. You know, I used to follow the
NFL very closely. I could tell you, you know,
pretty much the starting players on any team.
And on a Monday, I could tell you who played
who and what the score was. At the time, it was
important to me, and I really enjoyed it. Right
now, it's... Well, the birds are having a party.
Yes, they are. Anyhow. But right now, it's just
not that important to me. I enjoy watching it.
But I have trouble sticking with it through the
commercial breaks. That's a huge issue that I've
noticed too. I mean, unless it's the Chiefs,
you know, and it could be a very important game
even. You know, it could be like divisional playoffs
and our next opponent is going to be whoever
wins. I still, if they do the back -to -back
commercials where they come back and they have
a timeout for a call and then they come back
for the two -minute warning. Then they come back
another time out. It's like, no. Yeah. My favorite,
favorite as in ironic or sarcastically favorite,
is a team will score a touchdown, kick the extra
point, and then they go to a long commercial
break, come back, have to kick off and run back,
go to a commercial break again. Yes. It's like,
seriously. They kicked the ball off. It went
into the end zone for a touchback. The clock
never even started on the game. So literally
no time has lasted in the game. Here we go to
another commercial break. Oh, I know. It drives
me nuts. Yeah, the last two minutes last as long
as the first three quarters. I've got a question
along that line. Do you find out? Okay, well,
this is just would you or not. The NFL. Now,
it had been talked about before, and I've thought
about it too, and I have my answer. I think I
know what I do, but it depends on a couple of
things. But anyhow, okay. Now, it's been talked
about, like, you can pay for the games for a
subscription. Oh, yeah. That is not a commercial
fee. You know, like you can go on Amazon and
it'll go, do you want the free version? Would
you have the Geico and the progressive commercials
in the middle of it? Yeah. And, you know, every
five minutes you get a... homeowner turning into
their parents or, you know, or that flow or something.
Don't forget the boner pills. You always get
the ads for the boner pills. Yep. So, yeah, you
get these in the middle of them every, like,
three or four minutes. So, okay, would you pay?
And how much would you pay tops per year to not
have all those annoying commercials? Where football,
I don't know what they do. They just keep it.
right there on the field and show what each team's
doing. Like, I don't know, let's say Andy Reid's
over there talking to Mahomes and it's real spirited.
They're both like using their hands, you know.
Or, interesting thought. Think back to the early
days of satellite TV. When it wasn't really an
established industry, it's just people realized.
hey, we can build and construct these satellite
dishes cheaply enough to sell to individuals,
and they can aim it at the same satellites that
the networks are using and get their network
feed. And by getting the network feed, you avoid
all the commercials. And you also get to see
what's going on during the commercial break of
live sporting events. You know, they usually
keep the cameras on. So people were watching
Monday Night Football and then they'd see the
host say, okay, you know, we'll be back after
these messages. And the people watching this
brand new satellite TV, they'd see the guys just
standing around shuffling their papers, you know,
and say, oh, that player was kind of a mess,
wasn't he? Yeah, he was scratching his balls
earlier. All the stuff that they never intended
to go out on the air, but it was being broadcast,
unencrypted, free and clear from their satellites.
I do remember. You're talking about the huge
satellites that used to have to turn. Right.
Those big 10 to 12 foot diameter ones. Some of
them were mesh and some of them were solid. Paper
machines. Yeah. Shotguns. Fiberglass. Yeah. And
then I remember there was a Larry King show.
where Larry King had gone off about the people
watching on these satellite devices and they
were pirates and they were stealing the signal.
Oh, that would make me feel good. And everybody
who was calling in to the Larry King show was
saying, well, I did have a question, but I guess
since I'm just a pirate and no good thief, I
guess you don't want to hear from me. Caller
after caller. was doing that because Larry King
had a call -in show. And his callers were saying,
I'm watching on one of your illegal satellites
that you talk about, so I must be a pirate in
this gum bag. So he quit taking calls. And here
was this Larry King show. You know how he showed
the phone bank there? The thing was, every light
was blinking like crazy. He's refusing to take
any calls, and therefore running out of things
to say with his guests. And I asked my uncle,
who was watching this on one of those satellite
devices, what's going on? And he said, and he
explained how Larry King just insulted the majority
of his viewing audience by calling them thieves
and pirates. So then the networks... Well, I
could have called him a thief for taking money
for his show. Wow, little lowrider wannabe riding
with his little toy motorcycles. Look at that
little fat bitch on that little bike. Yeah. Go
over there and just push him over and watch him
skin his knees. Hey dude, really sorry you have
such a tiny penis. You gotta ride one of those.
Sorry, sucks for you. Oh, but you know, Larry
King was stealing money. from the network to
pay them to have that god -awful show, too. Yeah,
okay. So, they've been two different ways. I
mean, it's like, look, I'm stealing your god
-awful show, but you're stealing money from the
network. So, oh, yeah, and then the networks
got smart and said, okay, we're going to start
encrypting our signals. Yeah, I remember that.
And that spawned a huge industry of decoding
boxes. Decoding, yep. And, you know, it was like,
you know, the people inventing steroids and the
people inventing the story tests. It's an arms
race. Or, modern day, unlock fire sticks yeah
there's like someone's like oh yeah you know
what i'll go in here and i'm gonna unlock everything
and then they catch up with it and then the fire
stick can bob yeah john somewhere you know no
good then you buy another one from bill somewhere
and yeah so they had that war for a while with
the decoding boxes and finally someone gets fired
and said you know what this is here to stay we
need to find a way to regulate it and monetize
it in mainstream. And that's where you got, you
know, set dish TV and direct TV and those things
started showing up. And it was like overnight,
those giant satellite dishes you were seeing
in people's backyards were just junk. People
were trying to sell them. Nobody wanted them.
They set them out at the curb and say, please
steal this. And nobody touched it because it
was worthless technology. Yeah, it was overnight.
Yeah, it was overnight. So, when... And then
one of those became, remember for a while there,
it became a good report. And that was it. Oh,
yeah. Yeah, that's right. You could pick up all
sorts of pirated signals. Yeah, the pergs in
the area, they'd have one of those big dishes
still going. Oh, yeah, you could probably aim
it at, like, you know, satellite -carrying beads
from other countries. Yes. Who don't have the
same regulations as the U .S. does. So, yeah.
Yep. So, yeah, they, so if you were having a
subscription service to watch the NFL games with
no commercials, they've learned their lesson
from that. They're not just going to let you,
you know, see nothing happening or the cameraman
scratching himself. That this would happen. Okay.
If that ever happens, I don't think it's going
to happen, number one. They make too much money
from the sponsors. They're too embedded with
everything. You know, State Farm. You know, you
need your Mahomes. You need your Rogers and all
those guys. All of this just supports the NFL.
So if it ever did become this, what would happen
is you get all these little emblems everywhere
in the corner. Yes. Presented by State Farm.
Presented by Progressive. You know. Yeah. It's
like trying to look at a NASCAR driver's uniform
or his car and actually see what color it is.
You can't because of all the sponsor patches.
They would still find a way to get sponsorship
for the times that you aren't seeing the quote
-unquote commercials that you would expect. But
what you will see is maybe they'll throw in an
interview with a player. And there's a big can
of Coke sitting there throughout the entire interview,
or a bag of Doritos, or they'll make references
to Draft Kings and FanDuel. They will advertise
somehow. Yeah, those will all be worked in there.
So we'll still get the advertisements, but just
in a slightly more palatable form. And then we
get the benefit of the people who didn't subscribe
to the non -commercial version. They miss out
those little segments. They'll package those
and broadcast them later on commercial TV. You're
right. So you'll get the product placement that
was in there to begin with. Then they're going
to sell commercials for it too. They'll get double
paid on that. So it's going to work out money,
money, money for the NFL. They're going to sell
us on the idea that we're not seeing it. But
we are. Yeah. Hello, this is Phineas J. Altaris
III. I'm here to deliver your music news this
evening. Toto Steve Lukather said that Michael
Jackson's Beat It was almost ruined by Eddie
Van Halen. Steve Lukather has explained that
the issue wasn't Eddie Van Halen's solo itself,
but that Eddie and his engineer, Don Landy, edited
the master tape and messed up the time code,
which was crucial for syncing other tracks. This
forced Lukather and drummer Jeff Porcano to meticulously...
Recreate the song's backing tracks from scratch,
using the faint bleed of the drums in Michael
Jackson's vocal track, and reestablishing the
rhythm. This is Phineas J. Baltar S. III. That
has been your music news for this evening. I
have one burning question for you all. Do people
really skip around the Maypole? Since the dawn
of time, weird shit has happened. Strange occurrences.
Unexplained phobias. and other odd happenings.
Over the next minute, we would like to bring
you odd, rare phobias and conditions. Hutchinson
-Gilford Progeria Syndrome. Cases known on Earth,
100 to possibly 150. This causes young children
to age quickly, such as hair loss, thin, fragile
skin, and cardiovascular issues, while the child's
mental capacity stays the same. There is unknown
cure and very little treatment options. Once
again, it's time for Ramblin' of a madman. I
believe Congress needs to synchronize tap dance
for 20 minutes before each session. That needs
to happen. So you want proof that we love you
here at QD Spades and Microphone Central? Here's
a proof right here about the drink of the week.
Pistachio martini seems in order. Start off with
two ounces vanilla vodka. One ounce pistachio
liqueur. One ounce heavy cream. One half ounce
simple syrup. One ounce of heavy cream chill
martini glass in freezer for ten minutes. Dip
the chilled glass rim in the simple syrup, then
rub the rim in crushed pistachios. Fill a cocktail
shaker with the vodka, liqueur, heavy cream,
and simple syrup in the shaker. Shake vigorously.
Then strain the contents into the glass. You
may garnish the rim of the martini glass with
a sliced lemon and an olive, possibly. Drink
up, bitches. This is Two Douchebags and a Microphone
Podcast. I am Mark. I am one of your co -hosts.
I am here in the Kansas City chapter at the Talk
is Cheap studio, and I like to make goat noises.
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of
the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway. Thank you,
Rob. At the Amble Links Primary School in North
Cumberland, England, naughty elves have taken
up their game of notch, the BBC reported, as
of the last Christmas season a couple of weeks
ago. Some of their hijinks have included bricking
up the school entrance. That's a good one, isn't
it? That's like some shit we would have pulled
when we were younger. Oh, yeah. Bricking up those
school entrants, like I said, filling the head
teacher's office with balls and getting a herd
of sheep to block the school's entrance. A herd
of sheep, Rob. That would be fun. That's awesome.
You see people walking, kids walking up going,
what? How come there's sheep in front of here?
How come we can't get through? There's a bunch
of sheep. Well, you know, the naughty elves got
it. They did it. So for six years, community
members have helped pull off the elves pranks,
head teacher Paul Healy said. There's just been
so much community involvement, which has been
tremendous. It does involve some very, very,
very early mornings as it's trying to have things
ready for when the breakfast club children start
coming in. Healy loves doing the tricks for the
joy it brings to children. It's memories for
them. I love that. I love the fact that they're
kind of like some of the elders and some of the
authoritarians are in on these elvish tricks.
I think that's pretty cool. Like sheep are bricking
up the entrance. How elaborate is that? I mean,
that's a pretty elaborate prank, isn't it? Yeah,
I mean, you've got to go through a lot of trouble,
which I commend them. Anyone, I mean, we used
to play a lot of pranks, and well -documented,
we talk about them here on many episodes about
the pranks we played. You can get really elaborate
with them like we have, and it's a lot of fun.
Yeah, and I never admitted it until I got on
here. Well, I mean, you were kind of there by
default because you hung out with us, and that's
what we did was screw with people. So, we kind
of ruined you, didn't we? Oh, well, it's been
years. I've had my own shit. Oh, okay. So, you
went on to be a prankster after that, too. That's
cool. Well, you knew we would. Oh, of course.
Of course. It's in our blood. All right, Rob.
We turn it to you. That's all I got on that one.
All right. Nothing says we need to talk quite
like committing a felony on a second floor balcony.
Okay. I'm going to say Michigan. I don't know.
Michigan. There we go. A woman got into an argument
with her boyfriend and decided the healthiest
way to process her emotions was to set his wardrobe
on fire. Okay. This happened at the South Lake
Villas apartments, which appear to have been
constructed entirely out of gasoline. Bad decisions
and bias. I think so. I think that's fair. Okay.
Spoiler alert, none of them. They had to cut
through the gates just to get in because nothing
complements an emergency like infrastructure
that has emotionally checked out. Turn fire.
Text your friends 47 paragraphs. But whatever
you do, do not set his clothes on fire on a balcony
unless your goal is to destroy 13 homes, enter
a firefighter, and become a cautionary tale on
the evening news. That was a good one, dude.
I love it. That's a really good one. Thank you,
Rob. Dude, there's a warning on some of these.
I love it. Oh, I do too. They get pretty funny.
They do. All right. Thank you, Rob. Hey, Rob,
you know what? The Mad Butt Sniffer has been
finally locked up. What do you think of that?
I mean, really? Yes. If you remember a long time
ago, we reported on the Mad Butt Sniffer. You
know, I was the mad shitter in Clinton, Missouri.
Everyone knows this, right? Well, this guy really
is the mad butt sniffer. But he's finally locked
up. In July, 39 -year -old Khalees Crowder was
arrested at the Burbank Nordstrom Rack after
reports of someone roaming the women's department
as sexually harassing a female customer, according
to Burbank Police Department. In August, Crowder
was arrested again after allegedly sniffing.
a woman's behind inside a Walgreens store in
Burbank. Crowder has a history of similar offenses
in Glendale and Burbank dating back to 2021,
according to the police. Crowder was arrested
December 24th after failing to meet an annual
sex offender registration requirement for more
than two months. Glendale police told NBC4 Investigates
that Glendale Police Department assaults unit
arrested Crowder. dubbed by authorities as the
butt sniffer at his residence without any type
of an incident. He is in jail and awaiting sentencing.
So, Rob, there you go. You can walk around Burbank
and not worry about getting your butt sniffed
now. Isn't that good? Unless it's a dog. Dogs
can still sniff your butt, but he can't. Not
Mr. Crowder. He cannot. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I
don't want him to sniff in my butt. Do you want
him to sniff in yours? Well, if I was in Burbank,
I would not want him to sniff in my butt, and
I would probably kick him in the head or something.
So, hear that? Or if I ate beans, he may be sorry
he ever got near, right? Yeah, yeah, you never
know. You never know what someone could have
ate the night before. Stay away. Do not snuff
people. Do not sniff people's butts. It's not
a good idea. Right, Rob? Yep. Okay, there you
go. That's our public service announcement. So,
Rob, you got something? It's 9 -12. Do you want
to keep going? You got something? Or do you want
to say, yeah, that's it? No, I got one here.
All righty. Please go forth. A Minnesota man
who apparently told police he accidentally shot
his girlfriend. Okay. Okay. Wow. Okay. I don't
think the gummies really boast hallucinogenic
or anything like that. Well, he took it between
5 and 6. And everything happened between 8 and
9. And he was asleep, so he slept some of it
off. That must have been a really, really powerful
gummy. I guess. Did you say he was being charged
with murder? No, no. Did you say he was being
charged with murder? Yeah. Okay, then that means
the cops don't believe it. Because... Okay. If
not, it would have been manslaughter. See what
I'm saying? They don't believe him. Right. They
don't believe him. I mean, at least that's my
opinion. If they believed him, they would try
to charge him with manslaughter and go, yeah,
it's unfortunate, you know, the gummy affected
him in a weird way. He didn't know what he was
doing. You know, he didn't mean to. Well, the
thing was, she did not get shot until the next
day. Yeah. Yeah, because they went to bed everything
he got the next day. Went to clear the gun, threw
it away. Yeah. Okay. Okay, all right. All right,
Rob, do you want to keep going? That's all I
have for tonight. Okay, I have more stories.
If you've got more, if you've got another one,
go for it. Let me see here. I have a lot of stories.
I just got to figure out which one I want to
go through. I don't want to get too, what would
you call it? too dark or anything like that.
Not too big of a story. So, let's see here. I
had one here, but I don't know what I did with
it. Ah, here's one. How about some ancient Roman
facts? Sound alright? Okay. Okay. Ancient Romans
used crushed mouse brains as an ingredient in
their toothpaste recipes. It's mixed with abrasive
powders like charcoal, crushed bones, and oyster
shells, and often using urine for its ammonia
content as a whitening agent of your teeth. This
reflects a surprisingly advanced, though very
unhygienic by modern standards, approach to oral
care. with clean teeth being the status symbol,
even if it meant concoctions of mouse brains
and human pee for a brighter smile. Ancient Romans
also used a sponge on a stick for toilet paper.
The only problem is they didn't have many sponges,
so they all used the same sponge. You know, Rob,
I think I would have found a rock or something
else, you know. They had lakes and ponds, I mean.
Wouldn't you just jump in there? I don't know,
kind of wash your ass off? I would. Instead of
a sponge that everybody else wiped their ass
with? On a stick? No thank you. I got a couple
little facts for you before we go. Do you know
Keith Richards did not celebrate Christmas when
he was young? No, I did not. Jesus wasn't born
yet. The next and last one is this right here,
and we'll leave you with this. The new Arrowhead
Stadium in Kansas City will have a corn maze
before the entrance gates. This will keep the
Raider and Bronco fans out. They can't figure
out the corn maze. And that's a take. All right,
everybody. Thank you for listening. Have a great
night. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like
the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.