Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Great news, assholes. You can
now email the douches anytime, anywhere. In the
middle of a job interview. No big deal. Take
it a bath. No problems there. Tap dancing. Easy
as pie. Just send it to 2douches at mail .com.
Do it now, pussies, or I'll smash you in the
junk. Hey, peeps, it's time for the police blotter.
That's right, stories about stupid criminals
and the dumbassness that ensued. Let us begin
now. In September 2025, a Canadian man was arrested
for DUI while attempting to drive a Barbie Jeep.
Not only did the scaled -down Jeep stand out,
not it would only go five miles an hour. The
police chase ended quickly. The subject, George
Fizzulli, did not get his six -pack. But did
get a free Uber ride with lights flashing straight
to jail. Here we go. Signs that you might be
a pussy. Signs that you might be a pussy. If
you've ever had Phil Collins or Oingo Boingo
posters on your wall. If you've ever raised your
coffee mug or tea glass with your pinky extended.
If you often lotion up your hands. With no apparent
reason. If you like poached eggs, if you sing
along to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or if you have
ever wore a pair of Crocs, even just trying them
out, you are a pussy. And now we look in on the
adventures of the technical explanation guy.
Excuse me, my dear sir. Could you please put
my plain bread in a small countertop appliance
with heating elements that would spring loaded
and would brown my bread adequately? Well, first
off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over there
sitting at the table having a drink. Second off,
are you talking about someone toasting your bread?
Why, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread
being toasted. Then why don't you just ask for
your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? What
the hell's wrong with you? Hey, my fellow heavy
breeders. This is Dash Riptide. Your music news.
Walls of Jericho is a song by Bon Jovi that features
a guest appearance by Def Leppard singer Joe
Elliott. According to this Instagram post, the
track is from the forever legendary edition of
Bon Jovi's album, which was released in October
2025. The song is named Walls of Jericho. The
song features Bon Jovi and Joe Elliott from Def
Leppard. Jon Bon Jovi chose this song for Elliott
to feature on because it's stadium rock sound
that is reminiscent of both bands. It is their
first ever collaboration. This is Gash Ruktine,
and that was your music news. If it's too loud,
you'd probably have ear damage, just like me.
This is Joshua Belmont, your food for thought
man on The Hustle. Today, we would like to celebrate
Mr. Timothy J. Brottux, who is credited for the
invention of two -ply toilet paper. Because of
you, Timmy. We no longer have to spend ten minutes
scrubbing our fingernails after every dump. Mr.
Bratox, you are a true hero. Next up, things
overheard in hell. Dishwater has the top ten
spots on Noble Top 100. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. Hmm. Let's see. If a worm could talk,
would it be argumentative? I may never know.
Hello, this is the new guy. I just wanted to
let everyone out there be aware that Mark fucked
up the intro, so this whole show is going to
start in the middle of it because he is an idiot.
Big football game coming in town for Nebraska
Cornhuskers. So they said, if you guys don't
keep the room while you're gone over the weekend,
you're not going to have a room because it's
all going to be booked. So I had the same room,
and they come in and cleaned it and all that.
And then they said, you know, what we'll do since
you booked it again is we're going to rent it
out while you're gone. And then when you come
back, you know. So when I came back, they weren't
removed. It was still, you know, they had someone
come in and clean the room and everything. And
then when I come back, the same room that was
booked, the water ionizers were taken off and
nobody bothered them. So, you know, they don't
even know you do it, so it works really good.
And also, I used to work with a guy that he used
to smoke worse than a chimney. He was so addicted,
he used to stick his head out the window of the
brand new work truck just to smoke. Smoking wasn't
allowed in the new truck, so he would do that
just to have a smoke every 10 minutes or so.
The guy would literally stick his head out and
puff away until he smoked all of his throat burner.
And, I mean, we'd be going 70 miles an hour down
the highway, and he'd have his head out puffing
on a smoke, and it's like, wow. So he would also
trick the front desk. What he would do is when
he checked in, he'd go to his room, and he'd
come right back to the front desk. And after
going to his room, he would go, hey, man, my
room smelled like smoke. And they'd automatically
start apologizing, right, and offer him another
room. But he would say, no, it's all right, but
make sure you mark down that I smelled smoke
in my room. So if someone else smells it after
I leave, it wasn't me. So they usually do that.
It always worked, which I found bizarre, except
because I don't think it would have worked on
me. I wouldn't know what he was doing. I'd be
like, oh, bullshit. But anyhow, one lady in Wichita,
it did not work. She knew exactly what he was
doing because she started laughing when he said
that. And she said, well, let's go to your room
and let's go and take a look at it, she goes,
because I'm kind of curious. So she goes to the
room. She's walking around in it. She goes, I
don't smell smoke. Where do you smell smoke at?
He goes, I thought it was in here. And then she
goes, all right, well, you know what? You can't
stay in this room then. We can't rent it to you.
It's against our policies. I'm going to have
to give you another. Oh, no, no, it's fine. I'll
keep this room. No, I'm going to have to give
you another one. So anyhow, she's like smiling.
Yep, yep, you get this, you know, whatever. Change
the room. You come out of there. And then every.
Every night when we'd get, he would never go
to dinner with us. Every night we'd come home
from dinner, he'd be out there on the bench freezing,
fucking smoking a cigarette. I was like, oh,
she gotcha. So, anyhow, that was pretty funny.
So I got some more stuff, but I'm not going to
go into it right now. We have some ask paddlings
and stuff. But after you get done with what you're
going to do, we're going to come back with some
emails. And we have some important update. Would
you say, Rob? So if what you're saying is true,
yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we have a very important
update that we will get to at emails. But first
we have Rob and what he wants to talk about.
So please, Rob, go ahead. Okay, well, I'm going
into Lake of the Ozark News. Oh, hell yeah. For
our fans over there. Yep, they love it. Okay.
Because I happened to have met this guy a time
or two. Oh, and also, you know how I've been
getting on my rant about the high -speed pursuits?
Yes, sure do. I remember that. Well, no, it was
a different story, and it wasn't a white sports
car, but I have another story I've read that
I believe I could tie to this. Okay, did you
say the name Robert Smith before or not? Yes,
I did. Okay, go ahead. I've met this guy a couple
times. Okay. I mean, he is nobody I want to hang
with. Gotcha. He's in and out of jail. Like I
say, he's 52 years old. Allegedly. No, he's 52
years old. No, no, no. The in and out of jail
and the bad dude. You know what I'm saying. Okay,
yeah. Allegedly. This is Rob's opinion. You can
do that. Okay. Okay. I don't know. I have proof
of this right here. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Yeah, yes I do. Last time I remember this guy
drove a black avalanche and he is a no meth dealer
around there. Allegedly. Allegedly. Okay. Have
not looked him up on case net. Not a backer though.
But anyway. Yeah, but he keeps getting out. Okay.
How does that happen? I don't know. He was on
club traffic and chargers and everything else
then. He was locked up in Jeff City. Wow. How
does that happen? And now, this is the second
time I've reported about him since then. And
I seriously believe that black avalanche was
his. Okay, wow. I just know that much about the
dudes. Okay. Anyway, so you're welcome, Lake
of the Ozarks. Robert Smith is locked up once
again. All right. Well, thank you, Rob. We appreciate
that update, and I'm pretty sure everybody down
there is probably going, uh -huh, about time.
That happens everywhere, Rob. There's murderers
that get out in like one year. I mean, it's insane.
It's insane. I have my suspicions about people
that get out of jail. Yeah, me too. Yeah, there
are a lot of people that do. That people that
get out of jail and have their stuff wiped clean.
Yeah. I have my suspicions. Yeah, and there's
a lot of suspicion about him. Yes. So all I've
got to say is if a lot of people around him are
going to jail and prison, hmm, wonder. Makes
you wonder. Yes. All right, thank you, Rob. We've
got this stuff that we're going to uncover back
with some emails when we get back. What do you
think, Rob? Sounds great. All right. We'll be
right back. Oh, just so you guys know. Yeah.
You know what? I don't want to give it away.
We'll be back in a little bit. Yes, it's true.
Mark is an old bastard. It's also true that Mark
uses a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like
to tell you, if you see any pictures of him roofing
ibuprofen, it's obviously fake, and you're to
take the pictures and tear them up immediately.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. If I have a
glass of ice water and the ice melts into the
water, is my water then watered down? Hmm. I
may never know. Two bush bags and microphone
in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you First World Problems. I can't believe the
coffee grinder is broke at the big box store.
There's no way I can be expected to grind my
coffee beans every damn morning. Next up, things
overheard in hell. John Wayne Gacy is in charge
of human resources. This is Joshua Belmont, your
food for thought man on The Hustle. so i just
realized a genius that gets absolutely no credit
his name is marshall taylor he is credited with
the first bag of salad mix that was bagged and
sold yesterday was his birthday i believe he
is still alive this guy's genius will never be
fully appreciated before this ban we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese was mr taylor satisfied with
that hell no He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
bladders for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Hey, if you're a fan
of paying way too much for trinkets and food,
well, your wish is coming true. Kansas City International
Airport Guest Pass program is starting today.
Yes, you too could overspend on workless trinkets
and $15 cups of coffee. You want to buy a $50
cheap t -shirt that has KC Western Auto Building
image on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue
sauce gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40
and you're first born. Hurry. You know rubes
are jumping all over to get to this complete
ripoff. Because people are sheep. Your mama's
so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.
People often ask, how do we cram so much funny
into one little show? Well, it's simple. We buy
funny in bulk on the Internet. Hey, Mark, you're
wanted at the front door. There's a big bag of
funny they need you to sign for. Okay, thanks
a lot. I'll be right there. I'm still sorting
out the funny we got from yesterday. There's
your answer. We buy funny in bulk on the Internet.
Hey, you yankers. We often think many things
are just true because we've heard it our whole
lives. That's why here at Two Douchebags and
Microphone, we developed the segment, Not True.
We investigate and uncover the real truth of
what happened. We've heard for years that Einstein
was so intelligent he could not figure out how
to tie his shoe. The fact is, he disliked wearing
socks. He would put socks over his shoes to avoid
tying them. He believed tying shoelaces was an
incredible waste of time. So where were Crocs
when Einstein needed them? We are Two Douchebags
and Microphone. I am Mark, and I am here in the
Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap studio.
Welcome. And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri,
home of the... And also home of the beautiful,
and I mean very beautiful, Highway 54 RV Park
in the Doug Blythe Studio. Thank you, Rob. All
right. The email that I'm going to refer to a
little bit later is a little bit down the road
here, but we're going to do a few more before
then, so just hang on. Yeah, let's do that before
we get detoured. Yeah. And then I got a featured
one we may or may not get to. The guy was really
shitty. So, anyhow, we'll see if I... I don't
know. I thought that was our featured one. Anyway,
go ahead. No, it should be. You know what? I'll
do the other one on the next podcast. Okay. Mark,
you made crotchety old St. Nick exceptionally
brutal this year. I love it, but just saying.
Remy in Illinois. Yeah, I did. I know. I did
that on purpose. Roses are red, violets are blue.
Your mom's a whore. Your dad doesn't have a clue.
Your dad likes Coke. It's like an anniversary.
You've got to get it better every year. That's
right. Yeah, yeah. Let's see. Your dad likes
Coke. Your mom likes to toke. They will both
die broke. Oh, there you go, little Lisa. You
get nothing. Loved it. I'm glad you loved it,
too, Remy. All right. Rob. Do you bowl? I know
Mark isn't a fan of it. Wayne in Oklahoma City.
I don't mind bowling. I just don't do it. Anyhow,
are you a fan of bowling? Okay, yeah, I do like
bowling. I'm just not good at it. But I like
getting out there with my son. Okay, I don't
remember us ever talking about bowling, though.
I don't know where they got that. Well, I grew
up with the bowling alleys in Belton. Maybe we
were talking about... With my mom and dad bowling,
but, you know. I think that's probably, we were
talking about it, I just don't remember it, because
I don't know how this person knows I'm not a
fan of it, or whatever. I probably said something
like I'd rather watch paint dry or something,
being a smartass, but I don't mind it. So, okay,
anyway. You know what? I think you're right.
I remember that. Okay. All right. We must have
been talking about it then. Yeah. Okay. Next
one. I don't have a clue. Donnie, take her out
to a nice restaurant. Yeah, just take her out.
Bake her something after your fourth date. Not
right now. Where did he say he is? What now?
Where did he say he is? Donnie in Seattle. Seattle?
Oh, hell, they got all kinds of places to eat
up there. I know they do. What are you worried
about? I'm telling you, Donnie, if you want to
impress this girl. Yeah. Take her to a nice Italian
restaurant. Look them up. I mean, there's reviews
everywhere. You can tell what you like and what
you don't like by reading what it is on the Internet
generally. So do that. After your fourth or fifth
date, you're allowed to bake for her. But right
now, no. You're trying to impress her. And also...
What you need to do is you need to get that time
with her to find out what she likes so you know
what to cook for her. Bingo. Rob, you're exactly
right. And also... Treat everybody with the utmost
respect and kindness. Yeah. Even if the waiter's
a dumb shit and fumbles and can't do anything
right, you still... Yes, and be very nice to
him and thank him and support him. I'm telling
you, you do that. It will. It will. It means
you're patient. Yes, and it also means you're
a good person, too. Women look at that stuff.
They don't say anything, but they all record
it in the back of their head, and they smile
and everything's good on the outside, but they're
secretly evaluating you, just like you are her.
Exactly. So just remember that. So, Donnie, do
you like that? Get back with us. Let us know
how it went. Mark, did you say Kansas City is
getting a Tim Hortons? Jesse in Allentown. P
.S. My great aunt lives in Lee's Summit. I visit
her every summer. This would be great news. Tim
Hortons are my favorite breakfast and coffee
place. Yeah, we are. I think it's in Blue Springs.
I think I gave that story like half a year ago.
Which is just north of Lee's Summit. Yeah, yes.
So, yeah, you're right. Just north of Lee's Summit.
It's not that far away. So I don't know if the
Tim Hortons is already built or if it's still
planning, but I'm telling you, though, I mean,
you can love Tim Hortons all you want. The bagels
are not that good, and the coffee's fair, in
my opinion. So, anyhow, enjoy it all you want.
All right. This guy sent me something just like
this a while back. Rob, have you ever been caught
jerking off in the basement? But he asked me
about the closet, if I ever got caught in the
closet, I believe. Ask him for a friend, Jeremy
in Pittsburgh, Kansas. Pittsburgh, Kansas? Yes,
that's what it says. Jeremy. Okay, Jeremy. Just
so you know, I left Pittsburgh, Kansas in 2016.
I lived there. Hmm. Did you know any journeys?
No. Not that I remember. I worked at Pit Plastics.
You'll know what that is. We made trash bags
and stuff. Anyway. Shit, what was the question
again? Have you ever been caught jerking off
in the basement? He asked me about the closet,
remember, a while back? No. No, what I want to
call shitting in the basement. Shitting in the
basement? Well, me and my buddy Steve went to
his aunt's in Dom Noster. Uh -huh. You know Steve.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you've met Steve.
Yes, I know who you're talking about. Okay. And
she had this down, we'd been playing quarters
and stuff. Oh yeah, good times. I had to go to
the bathroom. Well, the upstairs bathroom was
being utilized, so I went to the downstairs bathroom.
Well, I guess everybody looked for me for about
three hours. Ain't that right, Steve? If you're
listening. Okay. Was she in the bathroom with
you? Yeah, she just sat on the floor and we had
a conversation. I don't remember none of this.
I was fucked up, dude. Okay. This was in the
late 80s, early 90s. Gotcha. Yeah. It was a party
weekend. We disappeared for three days. Very
fucking cool. You got ring around the ass. That's
fucking funny. Told you. Back in the day, it
was fun. Oh, yeah, it was. It would kill me today.
Yeah, same here. Yeah. All right. Let's see.
Next one. Thank you, Rob. Hey, is that story
about Einstein putting socks over his shoes real?
Jenny and Tulane. Yes, it is. Look it up. It's
common. It's common knowledge. I mean. The reason
I cover it is because I've known this all along.
People say, you always hear people go, well,
Einstein was so intelligent, he couldn't figure
out how to tie a shoe. No, he did know how to
tie a shoe. He thought it was a waste of time.
So he, I would hate to smell his feet. I can
tell you that right now. Yeah. He would not wear
his socks under his shoes. He would wear his
socks over his shoes because he thought tying
his shoes was an incredible waste of time. And
he's probably right. It is a waste of time. But,
you know, I don't want to fall. I don't want
to trip over them and, like, break my knee open
and have another operation or something. So,
okay. So, Jenny, yes, it's true. You can look
it up. I'm not screwing with you. It's true.
All right. While we're on emails, our regular
emailers have a secret code I gave them. They
put it in the body of every email they send.
So all you clever punks out there trying to fool
us with fake emails from our regulars, it's not
working. You know, people are trying to say that
there's somebody and screw them with us and trying
to get us mad at them. Well, I started giving
all the regular emails like Ronnie in Tulsa,
Mitch, and now Ross, Rossington. I give them
their own code. So every time they email me,
they put that code in the body of the email.
And if that code is not there or wrong, I know
it's not them. Exactly. It works great. Which
leads me to this right there. Right here. Hey,
guys. This is Mitch for real. Here's my code.
Code was correct. It's Mitch. I'm coming clean
with you guys. I used to hang out with Jessie,
the dark -haired biracial chick from Grandview,
a lot. Remember her? Oh, my God! Yes. There's
someone I'd forgotten completely, completely
about. Completely about. Okay, go on. Okay. I
think her last name was Jenkins, possibly. I
don't think it was Jenkins. It was something
with a J, but I don't think it was Jenkins. I
don't think so either, but still. It was like
that, like Jackson or something. I don't know.
I know exactly who you're talking about. Yeah,
I remember her. And he goes on to say, I know
both you and Mark. I never really got along with
Mark. He always stole the show, and I admit I
was a bit jealous. I live south of Freeman, but
now am moving to Wyoming next month. That's right.
In the middle of winter, wish me luck. I will
still keep in touch. Sincerely, Mitch, your best
looking, most charming fan that will actually
come on the show if you would like. And I told
him, I sent him a number. I said, come on. So
Mitch, call me whenever we can set it up or send
me a text and say, hey, this is Mitch. I want
to come on your next show and we'll figure it
out. So it's cool. But I know why Mitch hates
me. Well, I can tell you why. I can tell you
why. When he mentioned Jesse, the chick from
Grandview, I have a little story about him and
her. I was driving whose car? Denise. Remember
Denise? She was a bus girl we worked with. Okay,
not my ex -Denise. No, no, no, no. Not my older
son's Denise. No, no, no, no. The other, yes.
Yeah, I remember that. Blonde hair, blonde hair
Denise. Yeah, little blonde. Yes, I remember
her. Yeah, her. Okay. I was driving her car because
she was drunk. Okay, and we had a bunch of people
in the car. You know how everyone's like, hey,
where are you going? Oh, can I tag along? Can
I come along? Okay. Well, Mitch just met Jesse,
and they hit it off really good. They're in the
back of Denise's car with, like, three other
people. They start making out and all this stuff.
And, you know, whenever, like, there's sex getting
ready to go on, there's a certain smell, right?
And it's all in the car. And Denise looks at
me, and I look at her, and she whispers, are
they? And I look back in the mirror. I go. Oh,
yeah. She goes, I don't fucking want that in
my car. I said, I don't blame you. Okay. She's
whispering all this shit. So, all of a sudden,
I go, fuck. And I pump the brakes three times.
Okay. And I go, cop. So, I pull the car over.
Mitch runs out with his fucking pants down in
a boner because he had a fucking warrant. He's
out there hiding in a field thinking there's
a cop behind us. Jesse's throwing her clothes
on. Yes, Mitch, I'm telling on you. I love you,
Mitch. I love you, Mitch. And I don't think you
were along on that, but if you were, correct
me. Because... Oh, it was a great trip. Yeah,
that's why he hates me, I'm pretty sure. No,
but once you mentioned her, yeah. It was Mitchell.
Was it called? Yeah. Yes. Well, we're going to
stay down here. It was different. It was longer
than Mitch. Yes, you did. Yeah, yeah. You said
that. It was a little longer. But, yeah, I remember
that. I remember him. Yeah, yeah. So, I guess
he goes by Mitch now. So, Mitch. Yeah, you're
right. Me and him did get along good. Yeah, and
he did not like me. He says I stole the show,
which I know. I was a loud mouth and I always
got attention. Yes, I know this. But I think
the real reason he hates me is not because of
that. I think it's because I made him run through
a field with a boner fucking thinking there's
a cop behind us. That's why. With his pants down.
Fuck, I would too. I still have problems all
these years later. Oh gosh, that was great. And
the funny thing is... Bitch, we gotta get you
on the show, bitch. We got to. The funny thing
is, is Jesse thought it was funnier than hell.
She threw her clothes back on and was fucking
dying laughing. The bad thing is, it killed the
mood. So I know Mitch was really mad at me. But
Denise was getting her car all fucking stanked
up by him. I mean, I had no choice. I had no
choice. Anyhow, Mitch, send me a text. I sent
you my number. Well, I'm glad he said her name
because I've never done it. Because we have known,
Mitch knows both of us just by the things he
says. Yep. Everything makes sense. It's been
years since I've seen. Everything makes sense,
man. We've seen. Everything fits together now.
Everything makes sense. I knew we're going to,
once he said who he was, we're both going to
go, oh, yeah, I knew that was going to happen.
So there you go. Should I get to the crass email
or should we save it for the next one? Yeah,
go for it. We got this. Okay, okay. Mark and
Rob, why do you refer to your pathetic show as
being on air? You guys are not on radio. You
fucking know this, don't you? Or are you guys
too stupid thinking this podcast is all over
the place on the airwaves? You should quit saying
on air. and say our little podcast instead. You
guys are a couple of bumbling boobs, and nobody
listens to you, and they hate you. And this is
from, I can't read, Bravely or Broadly or something
like that, from Minnesota. Okay. Okay, go ahead.
Yes, that's one thing. Yeah, take this out through
airwaves. Yeah, yes. That's one thing, but here's
a point I get, okay? All right, let's say you're
going to go sell a car, right? Okay? All right.
And it's in good condition, doesn't have very
many miles, okay? Right? So do you go out and
go, this car is okay? You go, oh, it's in great
condition. My mom drove it for a couple of years.
It sat in the garage. It's in perfect shape.
The engine purrs like a kitten. You have to make
yourself sound bigger than what you are. No one
else is going to do that. That's up to you. So
if you sell a house, a car or something, we're
selling something here. We're trying to get people
to listen to us. So saying on air sounds better.
Yes, yes, yeah. We keep forgetting it, yeah.
You've got to cleanse your Bluetooth. Yeah, yeah,
after you listen to this, you have to clean your
Bluetooth off. I bleach mine, but a lot of people
boil them. So, you know, you can do whatever.
See, I went too long. I need to do it. Oh, yeah,
mine's all gunked up from the show. I may end
up with an ear infection. I don't know. Oh, geez,
I'm sorry. Yeah, I hope not. Okay, so Rob, do
you have anything more to add to that? That's
all I've got on that one. Yeah, me too. You can
nitpick all you want, and you can not like this
show. But at least have something valid. Have
something that really is something. Don't just
pick some shit out of air and try to jab at us.
That's the only reason I mention that stupid
one at all. And besides that, you misspell words
really fucking bad. You look like a moron. He
does. I did not see that part. Well, and also,
well, I had to correct a lot of it just to read
it. And also, Brevely, that can't be your name.
Anyhow, well, whoever you are, fuck off. Rob.
I'm going to guess Bradley. You know, and it
probably is Bradley. He can't fucking write as
a problem. So, okay, Bradley, we're just going
to call you Brad. Hey, Brad, thanks a lot for
the comments. Oh, yeah, but no, we can't do that
either. That's my brother -in -law's name. Oh,
okay. And I like him. Let's call him Brevely,
like it was spelled. Okay, Brevely, thank you,
Brevely. We appreciate it, Brevely. Have a good
day, Brevely. We're going to take it all into
consideration, and we will figure out what we're
going to do. Thanks for your suggestions, Brevely.
Have a good night, and go fuck yourself. Rob,
let's go to you. Alright! Okay. Footages surfaced
that British boxer Anthony Joshua Uh -huh. Yes,
the one that knocked out that broke Logan Paul's
jaw. Yeah. Being rescued from a wreckage of a
fatal car crash. Yes. Two people were killed
in that. Yeah, I'm getting that. Oh, sorry. Close
enough. A notoriously busy stretch of road frequently
cited by local media as one of the country's
most dangerous. According to Nigeria's Federal
Road Safety Corps, the Lexus SUV Joshua was traveling
in. He was traveling in. I don't think he was
driving. That's the way I read it, too. Yeah.
No, no, both names are B, Starter B, yeah, Bevel
Snatch. Cool. And said the news came as they
shot to the family. Okay. Yeah, they're hoping
for a speedy recovery. But it sounded like he
really was not that, did not get hurt bad. It's
sad that he was in the same vehicle that two
people died. No, it is. It's really sad. That's
not good at all. It sucks. And you know that
these people were close to him. Yes. Yeah, that's
horrible. Interesting enough, okay, they were
talking about the fight, right, and how this
guy was a real boxer and just beat the shit out
of him. Of course he did. We saw it. Mike Tyson,
coincidentally, is saying that he wants a rematch,
and he says he doesn't want it scripted this
time like last time. What do you think of that?
He said the last... He said it was scripted,
Rob. Scripted. If that's true... He said their
fight was scripted or Anthony Joshua? No, he
said his fight was scripted. He said he wants
a rematch. Well, let him because he ain't gonna
get it because Anthony Joshua, the best guy,
dog busted his jaw in two places. No, I know,
I know. Yeah. Yeah, no, no, no. He's, yeah. I
don't think, I don't see how. I'm sorry, Iron
Mike. I love you. I grew up watching you. Yeah.
No, you're wrong on this one. You ain't going
to get another fight in Logan Paul. Oh, I know,
but what do you think about him saying it's scripted?
What do you think about him saying it's scripted?
That's what I can't get over right there is.
No, actually, I think it was. Yeah, you see...
Because, honestly, both matches, even this one,
was supposed to be an expedition match. Yes,
I know. Yeah, there's no title on the line. Okay,
which means there is specific rules. You really
can't hurt each other. Uh -huh. Even though he
was... I say... And he did show up. He got his
jaw wired shut. He got his jaw wired shut. And
it's causing him a lawsuit. But, hey, he did
it. That's right. I'd be the same way. I would
be the same way. Okay, cool. All right. You got
some more garbage? That's it on that. Okay. It
wasn't even the garbage. Oh, it wasn't. That's
right. I have not gotten to the bag of garbage
yet. You want to go ahead and go to it, and then
we'll take our second break, and we'll come back
with ass paddlings? No, actually, let's take
a break. Okay. All right. We'll be right back.
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for
brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
The very last meal on the Titanic before it went
down was lamb with mint sauce. And now we look
in on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could you please
put my plain bread in a small countertop appliance
with heating elements that would spring loaded
and would brown my bread adequately? Well, first
off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over there
sitting at the table having a drink. Second off,
are you talking about someone toasting your bread?
Why, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread
being toasted. Then why don't you just ask for
your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? What
the hell's wrong with you? Hey there, slap nuts.
It's time for the Creeps Music News. Hey, my
little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol
with your music news. Almost two decades after
donating hundreds of signed books to the Negro
Leagues Baseball Museum, a legendary musician
returned to the museum Saturday to sign the book
he wrote about his massive collection. Geddy
Lee is best known as the lead vocalist and bassist
for legendary rock band Rush, but the Negro Leagues
Baseball Museum knows him best as the man who
donated 400 baseballs signed by Negro League
players. Lee returned to the museum today to
sign his new book about the stories tied to those
baseballs. called 72 Stories from the Collection
of Geddy Lee. Kendrick said Lee actually bid
on the collection at an auction specifically
to donate to the museum. Geddy, couldn't you
have at least played a small set in one town?
Casey isn't getting a tour date anyhow. This
is Johnny Rohypnol. That was your music news.
And remember, bar chords are bullshit. When everything
is coming your way, you're in the wrong way.
Ms. Gulkenstein was tired of Mark and Toe for
making sport of her. Little did the douchebags
know, Ms. Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess
when she was younger. She grew angry and cast
a spell on Rob, changing Rob into a capuchin
monkey. Mark took Rob to a local zoo so he could
be with the other monkeys. Here are the adventures
of Rob. The Capuchin Monkey. Shh, be very quiet.
We're going to listen in as Rob the Capuchin
Monkey tries to sell the rest of the Capuchin
Monkey's Amway. Rob has always dreamed of becoming
a Diamond Status Amway as a Capuchin Monkey.
Little did our hero Rob know. All the great apes
owned stock in Sam's Club and became violently
pissed off when he tried to infringe on their
territory. They promptly grabbed switches and
beat his ass for three days straight. Rob could
not sit down. Remember, post -apocalypse, to
have a sewage bit. Sewage untreated can result
in serious illness and other obstacles for your
family to live well. You also should have some
chemicals stocked up, maybe bags of chlorine
or something of such, to sanitize the sewage
per week. Harambe used to listen to our original
show, Too Dipshits and Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Harambe does not listen to our
original show, Too Dipshits and Cheap Radio Shack
Realistic Tape Recorder anymore. You might ask
why Harambe never listens to our original show,
Too Dipshits and Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Well, it's because Harambe is
dead. Senselessly murdered because some idiot
did not watch her child properly while looking
on her phone. Sadly, Arambe does not listen to
our original show, Two Gibshits and the Cheap
Radio Shedack Realistic Take Recorder, or any
other show. Anymore. Sorry, Arambe. Our constant
pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange
insults from an alien. Real hilarity. You are
dressed like an assistant debate coach at an
Ohio State middle school. Next up, things overheard
in hell. Gary Glitter has been named the lead
singer in the boys' choir of hell. Since the
dawn of time, weird shit has happened. Strange
occurrences, unexplained phobias, and other odd
happenings. Over the next minute, we would like
to bring you odd, rare phobias and conditions.
Harlequin ichthyosis is a genetic disorder that
babies are born with a thickened skin nearly
over its entire body. The skin forms a large
diamond trapezoid rectangle -shaped plates that
are separated by deep cracks. These affect the
shape of the eyelids, nose, ears, mouth, and
limit the movement of the arms and legs. There
are treatment options, finally. The survival
rate is much higher. Oh, shit. What's that over
there? Oh, no. It's the island of horrible jokes.
My hotel. Tried to charge me for air conditioning.
That's not cool. Hi there. This is your ears.
Why are you listening to this garbage? I thought
we were friends. Tomorrow morning, while grinding
your coffee beans for your double mocha latte,
remember to not get your genitals caught in the
grinder. It really hurts. Who can afford plastic
surgery? Stay safe, everyone. Oh, Lord. That
man just sawed a puppy in half. Hey there. Don't
worry. I have a clown nose. guy just hit my child
it is okay i have a clown nose clown nose just
put one on and you can do anything want to run
for office murder people in public just grab
a clown nose and bam everyone laughs clown noses
are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions
grab one today and make magic happen Two douchebags
and microphone. I am one of your gracious hosts,
Mark, and I am here in the Kansas City area at
what I like to call the Talk is Cheap studio.
Thank you, Rob. Do you want to go into your bag
of garbage, and we'll go into some ass paddlings,
or vice versa? Go vice versa. Okay. All right.
Okay. Yeah. Okay, well, I got a few ass paddlings.
I took advantage of the break. Okay, cool. All
right. Ass paddlings, some of these are old.
I have not been able to get to ass paddlings,
so I'm sorry if some of them are a little dated,
but we're going with them anyhow. Ass paddling
was originated on, I think, our third show ever
when it was Topher and I before Rob. And Topher
and I do the sports and music show. So we decided
to do ass paddling to people that need it because
every now and then people need an ass paddling
because they do stupid shit. So we wanted to
be invisible doing this, so we lucked out. One
day... Topher and I were on vacation in Florida,
a little mini -vacay, and we're walking in the
sand in the morning on the beach. We're not holding
hands, although Rob and his brother, the Duke,
says we were. We were not holding hands. And
two men can have a tender moment without holding
hands, is what we're saying. The sun was rising,
and it was shining off our heads, and the dew.
It was just a beautiful morning until I stubbed
my toe on something. I looked down. It looks
like a genie's bottle. And Topher goes, oh, that's
a genie's bottle. And I'm like, no, it's not.
I go over there and I look. My toe's fucking
throbbing. I go, dude, that's a genie's bottle.
He's like, oh, yeah, no shit. Pop it open. Genie
comes out. So Topher and I are like, ah, we get
three wishes. And the genie, he hated us. He
was condescending. He rolls his eyes. He goes,
no. No, you watch too much TV. He goes, you get
one wish. One wish only. Make it count. How about
world peace? How about end of cancer? How about?
End world hunger. Pollution. And Topher and I
looked at each other, and we said, yeah, we want
to ass -paddle people invisible. So the genie
rolled his eyes, and he said, very well, I have
to grant you this wish. You let me out. He goes,
so. All right. And so, after talking to the genie,
we get along with the genie now pretty well,
he has granted Rob special permission for him
to join along, too, and be invisible and ask
Paddle these idiots with us. The paddle that
we use, that is also invisible, is a replica
of old Sparky, which used to be administered
to my bottom quite a few times at Cass Midway
High. and he used to sit in the trophy case next
to the state championships. He had a long wood
stock, and he had a long paddle on him that had,
he was thick, and he had holes in him so you
could get extra might when coming down on a young
man's ass like mine, and it hurt like hell. So
that's what we use, and so the first person that
gets the Invisible Ass Paddling is Dave Tobe.
Chief Special Teams Coordinator. And this is
because of him wagging the dog on everybody.
You know, he took and his special teams were
fucking up. And then someone said about Trump,
said he didn't like the new kickoff rules. And
he started going off, oh, yeah, he's an idiot.
He doesn't know what he's talking about. He doesn't
know the rules. And this isn't a pro -Trump thing
or nothing. What this is, is just, I hate people
that do that. I can't stand it. He should have
just been like, you know what, we're going to
play better. I accept it. It's my fault. But
instead, he wagged the dog, and he tried to point
towards the president. He'd go, well, who said
the rules suck? And it just didn't work. It came
out horrible. So he gets an ass -pattling. Why
do you blame the president when you're in the
NFL? Exactly. It was wag the dog. It was the
old heat reversal. It's classic heat reversal.
It's like, oh, don't look at me. Look at that
guy. He's worse. That's what he did. What the
hell does the president have to do with you?
Yes, exactly. He had no business saying anything
except, I accept the responsibility like Mahomes
does, like Reid does, and all that. There you
go. I accept responsibility for the way we're
playing. I'm going to make sure it's corrected.
That's what he should have said. And he could
not do that. No, no. So, to me, he's an idiot.
Ass paddling. In my opinion, ass paddling. The
next one is Bill Belichick for his family fights
over his young girlfriend. They're quite numerous.
And if you look online, you will find a lot of
them there. So, Bill Belichick, I don't begrudge
you for finding a young hot chick. God bless
you. But can you stop the family fights? Hey,
I'm 13 years younger. Yeah, yeah. Yep. Well,
number one, you're not a 70 -year -old bastard.
So, that's good. I'm a 57 -year -old bastard.
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Think about it
differently. So, Bill Belichick, we just want
you to corral. It's not working again. Fuck.
So, Bill, we just want you to corral your family
so they don't fight. But until then, you get
an invisible ass. The fuck?