Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Great news, assholes. You can
now email the douches anytime, anywhere. In the
middle of a job interview. No big deal. Take
it a bath. No problems there. Tap dancing. Easy
as pie. Just send it to 2douches at mail .com.
Do it now, pussies, or I'll smash you in the
junk. Here we go. Signs that you might be a pussy.
Signs that you might be a pussy. If you've ever
had Phil Collins or Oingo Boingo posters on your
wall. If you've ever raised your coffee mug or
tea glass with your pinky extended. If you often
lotion up your hands with no apparent reason.
If you like poached eggs. If you sing along to
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Or if you have ever
wore a pair of Crocs, even just trying them out.
You are a pussy. Hey peeps, it's time for the
police blotter. That's right stories about stupid
criminals and the dumbassness that ensued. Let
us begin now. During a routine traffic stop,
Ohio officer Sergeant John Allen found a bag
of illegal narcotics. He was about to let 29
-year -old Sean Total of Columbus go when he
spotted laying in the passenger seat a clear
baggy labeled bag of drugs. This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on The Hustle. Today,
we need to focus on the genius Franklin Harris
for inventing the jukebox override. Some dumbass
puts down a hundred on the Melvins to last all
night. No worry, thanks to Mr. Harris. Just put
in a buck a song to override shitty music and
you can be the hero. Mr. Harris, not many stop
to admire your fine work, but we do here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone. Thank you, Mr. Harris,
for being a patriotic, great human being. Oh,
man, what the fuck is this? Is this a new feature?
What's inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me.
If you took my first name backwards, it would
read as Cram. Hey there, slapmets. It's time
for the Creeps Music News. Hey, my little pumpkin
seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol with your music
news. The latest news from the coroner and the
death of Ace Brealey. His founding member, lead
guitarist, and successful solo artist was. Ace
had a stroke and led to his fall that resulted
in a brain bleed and his unfortunate passing.
We already miss you, Ace. Condolences to his
family and friends. This is Johnny Rohypnol.
That was your music news. And remember, bar chords
are bullshit. Now it's time for Pick Up Lines
from a Loser. Do you believe in love at first
sight? Or should I walk by again? This is crotchety
old Saint Prick. I'm the guy that comes in after
Christmas and douses all your dreams and hopes.
Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. It's time to read another
letter. Let's get into the bag and see what we
have. Ah, here's a letter from little Lori. It
reads, Dear Saint Prick, All I want for Christmas
is my mom and dad to get back together. Nothing
else. Well, little Lori, I don't have a lot of
answers. But I do have a poem for you. Roses
are red. Violets are blue. Your mom is a whore.
Your dad hasn't a clue. He is addicted to coke.
Your mom likes to toke. And they will both die
broke. Now get out of here, you little shit.
You get nothing. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Yes, it's true.
Mark is an old bastard. It's also true that Mark
uses a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like
to tell you, if you see any pictures of him roofing
ibuprofen, it's obviously fake, and you're to
take the pictures and tear them up immediately.
And now we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Oh my, would you look at the
Riley scattering? It sure is brilliant tonight.
First off, you're on private property. Second,
you're in my flower garden. Third, if you're
talking about the sunset, yes, it is stunning.
And finally, would you get the hell off my property,
you annoying fucking bastard. This is Two Douchebags
and a Microphone. I am Mark. I am one of your
hosts here. At this here podcast, do two douchebags
a microphone. This portion of it operates from
the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob from Wheatland, Missouri, home of
the magnificent Lucas Oil Studios. oh no highway
54 beautiful highway 54 rv park it's highway
54 i looked it up and it was oh you can also
look it up highway 54 rv park okay all right
okay You can also look it up by Wheatland, too,
because I did, but I didn't see that name. But
I believe, I mean, I know it's that name. It's
weird. You can look them up either way. But anyhow,
all right. Highway 54 RV Park. And it's beautiful.
So, cool. All right. Oh, what studio are you
at? All right. Talk is cheap here. Duck blind
there. Wheatland, Missouri there. Kansas City,
Missouri here. Mark here. And you are who? Rob.
All right. Okay. So, Rob, I come to this conclusion
the other day. If I was much younger, but who
I am now, I would not have very many friends.
The older I get, the more I don't subscribe to
hurting someone's feelings. You know, I remember
back in the day, you too, because you knew a
lot of the same people I did. Back in the day,
I remember having numerous friends that were
in bands. Not all of them sucked, but most of
them did, right? Most of them were horrible.
Agreed? Yeah. Okay, yeah. You know, and I would
be nice and act like I thought their music was
good when constantly asked. And I would pimp
them. Oh, yeah, they're the best ever. You know,
they asked me, you know, hey, go around and tell
people our name. And I was like doing that, even
though I knew they sucked. Nowadays, I would
just tell them, you better pick up a book in
the real chance this band thing doesn't work
out. And that would piss them off. But I would
not play that game. Would you nowadays? Wouldn't
you be direct and go, I think you need to pick
up a book and take another route. Would you be
like that too? Yeah, yeah. I'm just not into
bullshit anymore. And I don't really necessarily
care if it hurts their feelings or not. I noticed
this the other day. I'm like, wow, I've completely
changed like that. I am not an appeaser and I
don't give a shit. I will tell people exactly
what I think and I don't care. And I think everybody
gets like that the older they get. They're just
like, who cares? Just tell them what you think.
Be real. And then by being real, sometimes that
makes people mad at you. But I go back to the
I don't care. Now I don't care. All right, I
just thought I'd bring that out and see what
you thought. It sounds like, and Topher feels
the same way. I talk to a lot of people about
it. I'm just like, yeah, you know what? We don't
bullshit anymore. We just tell it like it is
and whatever. All right, so we have some new
features as well, Rob. We have a brand new police
blotter section. This focuses in on stupid criminals
and what they did to look even more brain dead.
And this is a segment I really am impressed with
this segment. And also a brand new segment, Signed
You Might Be a Pussy. This will identify people
that may not actually know they are a pussy.
It's kind of a public service announcement, if
you will. It's because we care, Rob, right? Yeah,
definitely. Yeah, yeah. So if you ever have a
doubt if you're a pussy or not, we're probably
going to cover it in this segment. um the first
one is done i have two i need to be completed
i need to have some stuff done with rob which
we're going to talk about after the program here
and uh we need to get on some of that stuff that
that we're going to do but we'll we'll figure
that out a little bit later we have some more
uncle rob's tips for life so everybody can calm
the fuck down and so And along with a lot of
other ones, we have some more ramblings of a
madman. So everybody can calm the fuck down on
that too. So we have a lot of stuff coming up
and Rob's got a little bit of time coming up
to dedicate to it. So look for some new segments.
So there you go. So we have a new cyber word
of the year, Rob. According to the Oxford English
Dictionary, the word is rage bait. I've never
heard it. Have you? No. Okay. Well, Oxford University
Press announced Ragebait as its 2025 word of
the year. The prestigious publisher, I can't
speak tonight, publisher defines Ragebait as
online content deliberately designed to elicit
anger or outrage by being frustrating, provocative,
or offensive. typically posted in order to increase
traffic or engagement with a particular webpage
or social media content. And this happens all
the time. And I've got some examples. This is
what these idiots that I speak about are doing.
The known Chiefs haters like the Craig Cartons
of the world or the Skippy Baylesses and all
those guys. In my opinion... If he couldn't talk
about the Chiefs, like Craig Carton in particular,
I mean, at least Skippard has some other stuff
that he does, you know, like hanging off of Dak
Prescott's nuts and stuff like that. But this
Craig Carton, if it wasn't for Chiefs, he would
not have anything to say. He has nothing to say.
In my opinion, he is a no -talent idiot that
is trying to get his 10 listeners riled up by
saying things about the Chiefs. The only thing
he can ever do is dog the Chiefs and dog Kansas
City. And that's it. He has nothing else to offer.
He's not smart enough, in my opinion, to offer
anything else. And him and his 10 listeners are
all morons. But that's what's going on is the
intent is to rage you and get you to answer back
and go, oh, yeah, well, fuck you, and you know,
and all that stuff. And I was trying to, I was
screwing with them and pissing them off. And
then I was like, you know what? No, that's what
they want. They want people to get on. Don't
play into them. They're not worth your time.
Yeah, so I just blocked them. I'm like, nah,
I'm not going to subscribe to any of this bullshit.
They're not worth your time. Mm -hmm. So, and
then. No, it can't be. It can be fun, yeah, and
I have pissed a lot of people off like that.
Real bad. Real bad. Real bad. I'll tell that
a little bit later. It's a little bit fresh.
It's a little fresh right now, but I've pissed
a couple people off really, really bad. And it's
funny. And the problem is there was truth to
it. That's what the problem was. If there wasn't
any truth to it, they'd be like, ah, who cares?
But when they saw that little bit of truth, That
angers people. That pisses people off. So, all
right. The number one runner -up word of the
year is aura farming. Like your aura and farming
like in growing crops. Yes, aura farming is slang
for intentionally performing actions, often repetitive
or performative, to cultivate and project a cool,
charismatic, or impressive image. For social
clout, similar to how gamers farm points in a
video game, it's about curating your vibes, clothes,
or social media presence to appear effortlessly
appealing, but can become cringe if it seems
too forced or desperate. Like a poser trying
too hard, we used to call them tagalongs or wannabes.
But this is on the internet now, right? You always
had the people that weren't cool. And the coolest
subject, I mean, what's cool to one person could
be not cool to another, but okay. So generally
what was cool back then was long hair and cool
looking clothes and stuff. Then you had the people
that weren't so cool and weren't so savvy on
the trends and all that stuff that would hang
around you because they wanted to be cool too.
And these Aura people are actually, they're like
the tag -alongs or the wannabes of the internet,
you think? Yeah, so. The number two runner -up
word of the year is biohacking. And like I said,
this is the, damn it, I just said the name of
the fucking, give me a second here. Cambridge,
Cambridge. I didn't have to look at it. The Cambridge
Six. I've been scattered all day. I'll tell you
what, this Christmas season is busy as hell this
year. I have never been this busy around Christmas.
Well, I can tell you this for a fact. The city
market was packed until about 7 o 'clock because
that's when we left. Because of medical appointments,
we had to do the podcast later. We got to the
city market about 3, probably began the program
about 3 .15. We did 2 today. So this is my third
podcast today. And each one of the ones we did
were about an hour and a half. So we got out
there about seven o 'clock and it was still hopping
people everywhere. So it's, everybody's busy
this Christmas. So it seems like it. Oh yeah.
That's what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. Well,
Val is still out there. She's at Town Center.
Val is still out there braving. She sent me a
couple of pictures. I was like, oh, fuck, I'm
glad I'm not in that. She's out at Town Center
over here, you know, in Leawood. She's over there
doing some shopping right now. And that parking
lot and those roads looked horrible. Not something
I want to mess with. Even Bolivar? Wow. Geez.
They stepped away from their meth pipes long
enough to go do some shopping, huh? Shopping.
Something. All right. The number two runner -up
word of the year is biohacking. Biohacking means
making small strategic changes to your diet,
lifestyle, or environment to optimize your body's
performance, health, focus, and longevity. ranging
from simple habits like better sleep to tech
-driven experiments. Essentially, a do -it -yourself
biology to control and improve your own system.
It's a popular term for personal improvement
using methods like tracking sleep, intermittent
fasting, supplements, or diet tweaks to enhance
well -being, often seen as common -sense health
hacks with a modern label. So, you know what?
I think we all do that to an extent, especially
as you get older. Agreed? see i'm trying to eat
better yep me too a little bit better sleep yeah
yeah yeah no the same here i'm doing the same
thing you have to as you get older if you want
to be around you're not going to be around if
you don't and it's that simple which goes to
um subscription -based health care which i will
go into later which i found Really fascinating.
My general doctor is going to a new practice.
And this is where you pay extra $2 ,400 a year,
but you get better care. Instead of having 3
,000 people on her list like she did this year,
she's going to have 500 people that she is going
to be the doctor for. And her and her group is
going to be 500 people. And you pay that extra
because they do extra. They have different types
of lifestyle people that show you how to eat
better, do things better, be better. And also
the blood work they send straight to the Cleveland
Clinic instead of sending it to Quest Diagnostics
or something like that or LabOne, LabCorp. So
it's a much better service. To me, that is subscription
health care. I like the idea. The fact is, I
mean, do you want to pay $2 ,400 extra a month?
And this is on top of your insurance premiums,
which suck as they are. And the coverage you
get isn't anything very good anymore because
they're all horrible. So, anyhow, we'll move
on. Rob Bell and I have been watching Ozark Law.
We love it. Yes. Oh, shit. Yeah, they're starting
a new season. Okay. Okay. That's cooler than
hell, yeah. So when you start watching it, it's
great. We love it. It has mullets, teens trying
to hit the Magnell Dam bars up with fake IDs,
and getting busted, of course, and plus guest
shots of the Methersons here and there. Yeah.
And a lot of police chases so far. It is great
entertainment. Oh, my God, dude. Yeah, actually,
I've got a story about one. Okay, it's probably
on Ozark Law if it's around there. It may end
up being on there. I might look back here and
find it. It's a great show. I'm telling you,
look it up, watch it. There it is. There it is.
Okay, cool. Okay, yeah. All right, so, oh, go
ahead. No, go ahead. Oh, okay. Moving on from
that, I honestly, okay, there was a study that
came out last week that suggests women's farts
are more potent than men's farts. Okay? Really?
Yeah. I don't see it, but I don't know. You know,
sometimes when I think my buddy farted, it could
have been a chick. I don't know, you know. Sometimes
you're in an environment where you can't ask.
Go, hey, hey, hey, Jackie. Yeah. Did you fart?
Yeah, I blasted one out. You know, there's a
lot of places you can't do that. And you smell
a horrible one, you automatically assume it's
the guy, right? The other guy in the room. Let's
say there's two of you and a chick actually did
it. And you think the other guy did it like he
would think I did it, right? You don't think
the chick did it. You always think the guy did
it. If it's a horrible smelling fart, you look
at the next guy next to you and look at him and
go, oh, you fucker. I can't believe you did that.
So I believe that this is the reason that this
might be true. Women hold in their farts because
they care about who they shit all over. Maybe
you should. Men will shit all over you because
farts are funny to us, but not to women, right?
I believe, it's my belief, that the fart that
is being held back will gather strength and finally
come out twice as stinky. You see what I'm saying?
I think they hold their farts back and they get
more potent. tumbling in there and turbulence
and thunder in there and just like moving around
and fucking all that gas build up and i think
by the time they get to actually expel the gas
or they have to there's just no choice i think
it's that bad because they've been holding it
up not wanting to shit all over everybody like
men do you know do you care if you shit all over
people i don't i'll go i'll crack one out Oh,
hell yeah. I want to look around and see how
bad people are reacting to it. I want to hear
people screaming and blaming each other and hacking
and vomiting. Yeah. Yeah, I'm proud of that shit.
I'm like, look at those fuckers back there. Look
at them. I want to see old women falling down.
Yes, yes. I want to see children vomiting and
crying to their parents. I want to see fragile
people in body bags after I get done shitting
on them. So that's my belief. What do you think,
Rob? Do you think that's feasible or do you think
I'm just reaching? No, I really believe you.
I take your honest opinion. I'm just going to
leave it right there. Okay. I know, Rob, I know.
I know. I've done a little studying on this lately.
Okay. We're just going to keep going on that.
Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. And
another study, while we're on studies, has revealed
that the United States is the English -speaking
country that uses the F -word, as in fuck, word
most frequently. I think... I know! If I could
not use... Yes, everything is fuck this, fuck
that. I mean, I don't know if I could do a vocabulary
without the word fuck. I'd have to come up with
something else. I don't know what. I mean, I'd
have to come up with another buzzword because
pretty much anymore, if you want to get somebody's
attention, go, what in the fuck are you doing?
And then they'll look around. You don't go and
go, what in the heck are you doing? And they'll
just be like, yeah, you got to do it for effect
a lot of times. It's like, you fucking idiot.
You can't go, oh, you're a dang idiot. it doesn't
do the same thing gosh darn it you are a dang
idiot no you go you fucking idiot what the fuck
is wrong with you that carries clout yeah yeah
oh yeah yeah like that guy yeah um listen to
the last podcast listen lab pot last podcast
you'll understand where that came from So, solidly
coming in at second is the United Kingdom. The
English -speaking country that uses the F word
the least is Australia, but they use variations
of the word more often than any other English
-speaking country. The most common variations
that Australia uses for the F word are feck,
F -E -C -K, fark, F -A -R -K. I've heard fark
before. I've never heard fecking, but I've heard
farking, F -A -R -K. Fark and Furkers. F -U -R
-K -E -R -S. And I've never heard Furkers before.
I think if anyone called me a Furker, that would
just be an instant ass kicking. You know, right?
Because how stupid that word sounds. I know.
I wouldn't be able to kick their ass because
I think they're a fucking retard. Yeah. Yeah.
I'd be like, dude, I would whip the shit out
of you. But quite frankly, I don't want to waste
my knuckles. You know, I don't want to... Yeah,
I don't want to waste my knuckle skin. You know,
it may not grow back for a week. So, you know,
and I wasted it on your ass. If I'm going to
waste my knuckle skin, I'm going to waste it
on someone that fucking needs it. Right? Yes.
People come in and go, did you hit this guy?
Yeah, okay, that's an extra 30. What? Yeah, he's
special needs. That should have been your clue.
He said firking. He said firking. He called you
a firking idiot. Yeah, you're right. You're right.
They would hem you up. You're a bad person. All
right. I've had too much time off. But, yeah,
I can tell. You're amped up, dude. You've been
doing a lot of shopping and a lot of fun stuff.
I had too much time in the car. Oh, oh, and then
tomorrow is Christmas Eve day. Oh, yeah, yep.
Okay, we have to go to Excelsior Springs in the
morning. We're leaving here like 8 o 'clock in
the morning. Oh, yeah, you told me that. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, like two and a half, three hours
one way. Easily. Two -hour dinner. Easily. It's
probably more like three hours, I bet. Because
Excelsior Springs is about... Yeah, because Excelsior
Springs from here in South Kansas City is about
50 minutes away, if not a little bit longer.
Yeah. So I could imagine... Two and a half, three
hours. Yeah, and I know it's all freeway. It's
65 highway. Actually, we shoot straight... 13.
yeah and then cut across okay you know what that
would probably save about 30 minutes at least
right there you're right this probably is more
like two and a half hours yeah okay yeah that's
probably two and a half hours yeah you're right
okay i was thinking of it from here but you're
coming almost a straight shot across so okay
So, yep, then we are. Let's see what, okay. Okay,
I'm moving on here. You know what? We are 22
minutes deep. Let's go ahead and go into some
of your stuff. So, yeah, yeah, I've got stuff
and I will do it a little bit later. I have a
Jeffy X list and stuff like that. But I think
since we're almost 23 minutes into it, we should
probably get to you. So go ahead, Rob. Mm -hmm.
Yes, unfortunately. Good. There is absolutely
no respect anymore at all. There was this one
dude from Iowa or something doing 132 to Lake
Ozark in a Corvette before they began. That is
like killing somebody just waiting to happen.
They take fucking felony now, people. Well, here
we go. Here's one of the latest dumbasses. Here's
the latest felon. The chase started in Link Creek
on the 9th of December when an officer attempted
to stop a motorcycle for a traffic violation.
Was this in the Tesla? Huh? Was this in their
Tesla? I don't know. Isn't that the township
that has a Tesla? Actually, there was a lot of
people got involved in this. Okay. Terrence Dickerson
19 years old oh and he's already a felon yep
Good. Good. Give a little fucking numbskull.
Give the numbskull something to fucking think
about. They really needed to stop him before
it progressed into other things, so hopefully
this will do it. Hopefully he'll get out of...
Well, only time will tell. So, you know what?
And if he comes out worse, he was a rotten apple
and was never going to get better anyhow. So,
you know what? At least he's got a shot at it
and he's got a chance to reflect on his actions
and think about it for a couple of years. So,
hopefully some good come out of it. All right.
We got some emails, Rob, from new emailers because
we now insert a promo. The email address is 2douches
at mail .com. 2douchesmail .com. But you've probably
already heard it when you're listening to this
right now. It's one of the first things I stick
in the shows now. So we're going to come right
back with some emails. So you guys hang tight
and we'll see you in a minute. Hey, you yankers.
We often think many things are just true because
we've heard it our whole lives. That's why here
at Two Douchebags and Microphone, we developed
the segment, Not True. We investigate and uncover
the real truth of what happened. We've heard
for years that Einstein was so intelligent he
could not figure out how to tie his shoe. The
fact is, he disliked wearing socks. He would
put socks over his shoes to avoid tying them.
He believed tying shoelaces... was an incredible
waste of time. So were Crocs when Einstein needed
them. Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time
for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit
about. There's a small island in the South Pacific
where people actually talk with eye movements.
This is Joshua Belmont, your food for thought
man on The Hustle. Today, we would like to celebrate
Mr. Timothy J. Brottux. who is credited for the
invention of two -ply toilet paper. Because of
you, Timmy, we no longer have to spend ten minutes
scrubbing our fingernails after every dump. Mr.
Bratox, you are a true hero. Have you ever wondered
what something came about? Have you ever looked
at something and said, I wonder what the origin
of that is? Well, so have we. That's why we give
you The Origin Of. The origin of the goatee.
The goatee is a beard style that dates back to
ancient Greece and Rome and is named for its
resemblance to a goat's beard. The goatee has
been worn by many famous men throughout history,
including Uncle Sam, Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock.
The gobham was often depicted with a goatee,
and in medieval and renaissance art, Satan was
depicted with a goatee as well. The goatee became
popular again in 1940s. a defining trait of the
beatniks and jazz musicians. It fell out of favor
again in the 1960s, but became fashionable again
in the 1990s and 2000s. The term goatee originated
in the late 20th century. It was originally called
a goatee. Ms. Gulkenstein was tired of Mark and
Toe for making sport of her. Little did the douchebags
know Ms. Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess
when she was younger. She grew angry and cast
a spell on Rob. Changing Rob into a capuchin
monkey. Mark took Rob to a local zoo so he could
be with the other monkeys. Here are the adventures
of Rob, the capuchin monkey. Shh, be very quiet.
We're going to listen in as Rob, the capuchin
monkey, tries to sell the rest of the capuchin
monkeys Amway. Rob has always dreamed of becoming
a diamond status Amway as a capuchin monkey.
Little did our hero Rob know. All the great apes
owned stock in Sam's Club and became violently
pissed off when he tried to infringe on their
territory. They promptly grabbed switches and
beat his ass for three days straight. Rob could
not sit down. Two douchebags and a microphone.
There is no escape. Enter at your own risk. You
will not make it out. Run while you still can,
bitches. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. So
let me see. Let's say I was offended by people
being offended. Then would people being offended
all the time would have to not be offended around
me because I was offended by them being offended?
Hmm. I may never know. No! Hey, this is Uncle
Rob. I'm going to give you some tips for life.
This is Uncle Rob's rules to dick pics. Rule
number one, title of a pic in someone else's
name. So if you get busted, it's not yours. Rule
number two, shoot angles complementary to your
length and girth. My mom is so old, she was a
waitress at the last supper. Oh shit, what's
that over there? Oh no, it's the island of horrible
jokes. I am the mad shitter in Clinton, Missouri.
Well, okay, like I said this long time ago, you
know, I don't know I was in my mid -20s I had
sleep apnea and I had to wear a CPAP and then
I opted for the surgery so I got surgery and
then I went back to the doctor and Doctor is
good. You know this before you could buy the
CPAP machines you had to rent. Oh, yeah. Okay,
so it's very expensive for me to keep it another
day. And the insurance told me, if you don't
take it back today, that we're going to start
charging for it. And then in some outrageous
sense, I'm like, okay, where do I take it back?
And they said, Clinton, Missouri. I'm like, what
the fuck? And I was like, well, you want to pay
for it? No. Okay. So here I was on my way to
Clinton, Missouri, you know, fucking tooling
there in my little Ford Ranger at the time. So
I tool all the way to Clinton, take the fucker
back. And on the way back, I'm like, you know,
it's going to be an hour before I can stop. There's
no station. I'd pull in, get some gas. I'm like,
eh, I need a 7 -up or something, you know. So
I go into the crapper there, and it was like
both of these walls, just alongside where the
urinals were, were covered in this, like, liquid
shit. And I since found out through a nurse,
they said they do it with a colostomy bag somehow.
And, I mean, it's a gag. I mean, to me, that's
like, you kill someone over that. So anyhow,
I'm sitting there about ready to fucking gag.
It smells so horrible. And anyhow, I'm dry heaving
and just pissing as hard as I can. It's hurting
me. And I'm pissing so hard that it's actually
hurting me. I'm like, and all of a sudden this
old man barges in. I think he's the owner of
the store. And he points at me and he goes, I
caught him. I caught him. I caught the mad shitter.
And I'm like, what? And I go, I just got in here,
sir. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to piss as fast
as I can. I'm still dry heaving. It's him. It's
him. I caught him. And I go, I just got in here.
How did I shit all over everything? My pants
are up. And he would not listen to me. So he
starts fucking harping at me behind me while
I'm leaving that place. Didn't wash my hands,
nothing. Pissed all over myself. Hey, I'm getting
the fuck out of there because I'm not the mad
shitter, and I don't want anything. I don't want
to be associated with it. So I'm, like, taking
off, and I'm leaving as fast as I can. I'm like,
I'm getting my fucking 7 -Up, damn it. I mean,
I'm thirsty. So I go over and get my 7 -Up, and
the old man's still behind me, harping. Hey,
Sam, Sam, I got the mad shitter. And I'm sitting
there just, I don't know what to say at this
point because he will not shut up. He will not
quit fucking chirping at me from behind me. So
I get up there, and I'm buying my 7 -Up, and
I look the lady in the eyes. I go. I just walked
in there. I'm not the mad shitter. And she looks
at me and goes, sure you're not. I don't think
she believed me either. She thought I was the
mad shitter. Yeah, so I brought my seven up and
left in shame. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I am Mark. I'm one of your gracious hosts of
this here podcast in Kansas City at the Talk
is Cheap studio, and I like to make goat noises
right after. thank you and uh we are near the
beautiful blue river so anyhow uh i just had
to add that you got the rv park and you know
it was it was a great place to go smash snakes
with a rock wasn't it yes and stomp in the mud
and piss our parents off good times good times
um all right the first one hey guys what a unique
show this reminds me of a blend of all the former
morning shows that i used to love I started binge
listening last Monday. I plan on working my way
down the list. Thank you, guys. This is a void
that has been missing now for years. Tommy near
New Orleans. Tommy, bravo. Awesome. Awesome.
You get it. This is exactly what we're trying
to do. We are primitive. We're not as good. We
admit that, but you cannot get that type of program
anymore. So here we are. We're not the best.
Oh, boy. Yeah. We're not the best, but... Oh,
boy, love it. Yeah, so thank you, Tommy, near
New Orleans. That's what we're trying to do.
That's our whole goal right there. You see, this
is the beauty of getting more writers, more emailers.
You get gold like this. And then there's a couple
of them that I left out because I get... Okay,
I say hate email goes to the front, but it's
got to have some sort of substance. It can't
just be like, you suck, you're an idiot. It's
got to be something. It's got to be something
catchy or something that makes us want to talk
about it. So, yeah, I left a lot of them out
because it's boring. You suck. You're an idiot.
Okay. All right. Well, thank you. And then you
move on. So, I mean, there's nothing to do for
an email like that. So, all right. Mark Robin
Topher. Who would you all like to see win a Super
Bowl now that you guys are out? Rossington. Ross
again in Dallas. Rossington. Bill's. Rossington's
become a very prominent one. And we thank you,
Rossington. And we love Dallas. Dallas is a fantastic
city. It's a great place to sweat. Do what? Yeah.
Yep. Yeah, it is. Down 69 Highway also. Both
of them. Okay. My problem is I have been so busy
this year getting married, moving, and everything.
I have not really watched any football at all.
I really haven't. I believe that you've been
so busy. Well, from what I'm hearing, Denver's
still in the running. They're in the driver's
seat. Well, I like Josh Allen as a person. I
like Josh Allen as a person. Bill's Mafia, I
could leave them. They're obnoxious. But I like
Josh Allen as a person. I'd love to see him win
a Super Bowl because we can't this year. We're
out of it. But Denver's fine, too. I like Bo
Nix. I like Sean Payton. So, yeah, okay. And
if not that, then I would like to see San Francisco
finally get theirs. Yeah, I mean, you know, they've
fought so hard. They fought us so hard. Yeah,
yeah, they deserve one. Just not Philadelphia.
The Packers would be okay, but I'm not exceptionally
high on them. I don't think they can do it. Seattle,
I'm not a believer in Sam Darnold at all. So,
anyhow, all right. Mark, and I'm going to ask
you too. They didn't put your name down, but
I'm asking you myself. Mark, what is your favorite
Metallica album and song? Favorite album is Master
of Puppets. Song is Call of Cthulhu. And it's
an instrumental, no singing. And it's on Ride
the Lightning. So Master of Puppets album, Call
of Cthulhu off of Ride the Lightning. My favorite
song of Metallica. Rob? Off of Injustice. Yes.
That is a great song. That is a fantastic song.
Yeah, it gives the military... Do you know what
I mean? Yeah, it does, and it's also... It was
a soldier, right? Yeah. It's also off an old
movie about a guy that was kept alive, and he
was just basically like a box. Right, right,
right. I love it. Yeah, it's a great song. It's
a disturbing movie if you ever bothered to watch
it. Yeah, very disturbing. All right, this next
one. I'm going to preface this with this right
here. If this is really Mitch, I want you, because
this is a different email that you normally use.
If this is really you, because we have people
trying to imitate Mitch and do stupid shit. So
if this is really Mitch, send me your code that
I sent you. from this email that you sent me
send me your code and i know it's you if not
i know it's bullshit okay i'm in wheatland right
now and rob can't find me i snapped a picture
of the douchebag mobile and i will post it and
show it on the facebook page soon mitch in hickory
county are you in hickory county yes i am well
they got that right so They got that right, so
I don't know. Maybe it is Mitch. Mitch, if this
is you, if you're still listening, because we
haven't really got any emails. To be honest,
the douchebag mobile would not be very hard to
find in this rinky -dink town. On the street
that I live on, to say it. All right, then Mitch,
post him on the page. If this is you, post him
on the page. Yeah. Yeah, we want to see him.
All right, the next one. I do like the political
section of last week's show. I still think it
would be better served in another podcast with
a political title. I mean, would you trust the
opinions of someone called Douchebag? Jerry and
Wayne Nebraska. Good point. Okay, okay, can I
answer this? Yes, please. We're doing it now.
Yes. Yes. And also, here's the deal. That's why
we save it to the last whenever we have political
stuff. That way, if you don't wish to partake,
you just hang up. That's it. Shut it off. Go
do something else. And that was just a trial.
That was just a trial. Yeah, and also, if it
makes people feel better, I'll come up with an
introduction. And we just go, all right, douchebags
is ending. Go fuck yourself. Whatever, you know.
And then all of a sudden the new beginning comes
on. Then we come back on and go, hey, this is
a political show. I'm Mark, you know. Yeah, if
you don't want to listen, go on. Yeah, yeah.
So it's just a formality of being another show
or not. It doesn't have to be another show. It
can be another show attached to this show. However
you want to look at it is fine. It would still
be two douchebags, but we will let you. But I
did like the point, do you trust an opinion of
two guys named Douchebag? I get that. But listen,
people know that we're not all the way dumb,
okay? We do have some sense in there. So Jerry
and Wayne Nebraska, thank you for your opinion
there. And we value it. It's great points that
you put up, but we feel like it is two shows,
but we just put it in one. All right. Yeah, yeah,
and also Topher and I are not ruling out during
the slow season of football right after the Super
Bowl about doing a different type of podcast.
We've been wanting to do like what really happened
or something like that. We'll see what happens
because a lot of the stuff that we're doing,
the what really happened, is kind of boring.
And I don't see people really tuning in. They'd
be like, yeah, okay, yeah, that is cool, but
I don't care that much to listen to an hour of
it. We're trying to figure out what would be
entertaining, fun, and make people want to listen.
So sometimes that's not easy. We don't know.
We might stick with part sports format and then
something else. Like today on the Music Creeps,
we went into regular. The sports one, there's
too much going on with the Chiefs moving to Kansas
and all that stuff. So we had a full hour and
a half of sports. But the music creeps, we had
enough time to put in regular articles and do
like a regular douchebag show. We could even
do that because I have so many stories I can't
get to and I end up throwing them away because
they're dated. So this could be an outlet for
those stories that we don't get to. on the sports
show slash whatever so all right we got a bunch
of stuff we got a bunch of fires and iron so
there you go all right hey guys if you could
get any guest on the show who would it be midi
and oceanfront lauderdale at sea at the aruba
cafe i love that place aruba cafe is fantastic
is a great place to have a fantastic meal on
the beach and also if it rained a little bit
you see a lot of double rainbows over the pier
Aruba Cafe is one of my favorite places, and
it's at Lauderdale at Sea, which is right down
from Ocean Sky and Ocean Manor, the two places
that we stay at. We probably will not be staying
at Ocean Manor anymore, but Ocean Sky, we could
stay there. They're a very nice place with balconies
that overlook the ocean. It's a fantastic place.
Lauderdale at Sea is a mile away, so Aruba Cafe
is. But anyhow, what was the original question?
Oh, a guest. A guest. Sorry, I started talking
about that because I love that area. A guest.
Hmm. Let me think here. There's so many possibilities.
So many. I'm going to say Tony Iommi. Oh, yeah.
Definitely. Okay. We are musically inclined.
A show like ours, he might break out with some
shit he's never mentioned. Yeah, I think we could
loosen up a little bit. Everybody's going to
listen to it. Yes. I have so many questions I
would love to ask him. So, yeah, I think Tony
Iommi. We are musical people. I mean, I grew
up playing guitar. I used to be much better at
it, but I'm not anymore, Rob. If you heard me
play now, you'd laugh. So, anyhow. I would love
to talk to him, too. He would be my second, and
my third would be Brian May. Yep. So, yeah. Okay,
there you go. We got three of them there for
you. If Iome and Blackmore tell us to go fuck
ourselves, then we'll try Brian May. Yeah. All
right. And then finally... If that fails, well,
is George Brent still alive? Yes, he is. Yes,
he is. Well, Iome... There we go. I'd love to
talk to him. He's a nice guy. I met him in person.
Yeah, very cordial. Yeah, I'm not going to reveal
where I met him or anything, but very nice guy.
He could have been more respectful. Matter of
fact, where I seen him, he was signing the fireman's
paraphernalia because they were coming through
the store that I was going in. And he signed
them and he thanked them for their service. I
was just like, I was like, That's a good dude
right there. Yeah, I really appreciate that.
George Brett, I would love, I could put him ahead
of Iommi and Blackmore easily. So, all right.
Orma Holmes, you know what, there's so many.
Andy Reid, I'd love to pick his brain. So, all
right. This is a featured email. I would like
to be clear and give everyone on this podcast
a compliment. I think you guys have a unique
brand of podcast and I personally love it. My
question is for Mark, the confessed ringleader
of the show. How many hours a week, estimate,
do you put in for the show? I was in media for
years and do recognize all the labor it would
take to do a production like the show, and especially
with the equipment you use that I'm familiar
with. Mason in New York. Okay. Mason, thank you.
I'm glad you recognize that. If I had to put
it in hours, geez, I don't know. I spend a lot
of time, a lot of time come up with different...
Between all the shows, yeah. Between all the
shows, I would say 20 hours a week, easily. At
least. At least. And there's a lot of work that
I do that people don't even realize either. All
the research that I have to do to come up with
some of these stories. Yeah, I see that. And
also another problem that I have is this right
here. There's been so many ideas from shows that
I love listening to growing up when I was a young
man, younger man, that all these shows that I
listened to that I've spoke about before, I'm
afraid I'm going to repeat something they already
did. Because sometimes you hear something and
it sticks in your head. And this is how songs
are accidentally stolen and they get sued and
all that stuff. This is different. You know,
you can't. do that on this type of format because
it's free game but the thing is i'm afraid of
actually copying somebody and not realizing it
so i'm constantly trying to think did i hear
this before is this something that's too close
to something else and if it is it is definitely
not it is not meant to be like that it's not
planned It's something that like, I mean, like
comedians, sometimes they overlap and they don't
even realize it. You know, they hear a joke and
it sticks in their head and then later on they
tell it. But your mind has a weird way of making
it your own. So that's kind of a weird, interesting
dynamic that I do now because of certain things
that have happened. and I'm always constantly
going, okay, did this come from somewhere else,
or is this my idea? As far as I know, every one
of them have been my and your ideas, and Topher's
too, and I try not to do anything like that,
but 20 hours a week. So, anyhow. All right, Rob.
Yeah. And that's quite a bet. That's quite a
bet. That's quite a bet because he's on the other
line with his stories. You see, I don't know
what they are. We don't discuss them. And that's
what we like. That's one of the things we like
about it is the spontaneity of the whole thing
where he throws something at me and I'm like,
oh, wow, where did that come from? We love that.
So, thank you for recognizing that. And also,
listen, I mean, If you're anybody else that has
ever listened to the program that had a show
or whatever, nobody's trying to copy you. I assure
you, but you have all left your imprint. Yeah.
You have all left your imprint on us through
your art. So be proud of that. Nobody's trying
to, no one's making a dime off of you. Number
one from stealing anything or nothing like that.
So, you know, we're just trying to. Do what we
do. And we have our influences. And that's all
we're trying to do. And thank you very much.
We appreciate all these comments and people asking
Mason in New York. I sent you an email back.
So if you hear this, look for it. I would like
to know a little bit more specifics of where
you work. I'm not going to tell anybody or nothing.
I'm not going to hit you up going, hey, give
me a job or not. I just want to know where you
come from because you sound like you know what
you're talking about. So, Mason, thank you. Rob,
let's turn it to you. All right. Well, you know
what time it is. Yeah, the greatest segment ever,
ever in the history of the world. Time for Rob's
Bag of Garbage. Yay! Yay! Yay! I know, but you
know what? I've been talking all day, like I
said. I'm sorry. I should sound like a sick seal.
Even a flap of silence. Never thought about that,
but now I am. But, Rob, it is sincere. It is
sincere. This is my favorite portion. It is sincere.
I'm not just doing that to say it. So, anyhow,
Rob, go ahead. I fucking love it. Wow. Okay.
Yes, it does. Oh! Okay. Okay. Wow. Boy. All right.
Okay. That just makes me cringe. Should I make
goat noises? Okay. All right. Okay. They're hiding
something hiding something Okay So the people
trying to rip her off saved her life. Yeah. Wow.
Okay. Oh, boy. I bet! That might be the best
story you've ever covered, and you've covered
a lot of really good stories, Rob. Wow. That's
why I thought he was hiding something. It's like,
who does that the first day? I mean, you don't
even have time to let it process. I can understand
that. It's very sad. It hurts. You don't want
to see him there. I get it. Wow. Okay. But I'm
much too suspicious for that anyhow. So, you
know. Wow, crazy. And then her husband ended
up switching places with her. And he is dead.
And she is alive. I think that would have happened
to me too. I would have been like, boom, that's
it. No more. Heart attack, boom, blew up. Wow.
Fuck. And then some of the robbers died too.
okay if there was a story of the decade that's
it wow all right thank you rob um let's take
our second break i'm gonna come back with rat
tours and a jeffy x list so Oh, and the new guy
walked out. I don't know when he's coming back,
if he's coming back. He's very unhappy with us.
So, no new guy on this one. I don't hear anybody
complaining. So, alright. Post -apocalypse protein
might be hard to come by. The animals could be
contaminated or scarce, if any at all. This is
where protein powder is essential in a post -apocalypse
survival. The powder is easy to keep and does
not require refrigeration. Next up, things overheard
in hell. Man, Axel Rose is such a great childhood
therapist. I hope he writes more books. Sir,
I see your qualifications here. May I ask some
further questions that could help me determine
your employment eligibility? Yes, sir. I'm ready.
Well, as you can see here, we have a large population
of different ethnic backgrounds, sexuality, and
ages. Are you by chance bilingual? Well, sir,
I'm not sure why you need that kind of information,
but, well, it was only one time in summer camp.
I considered it experimental. Hey peeps, it's
time for the police blotter. That's right, stories
about stupid criminals and the dumbassness that
ensued. Let us begin now. In September 2025,
a Canadian man was arrested for DUI while attempting
to drive a Barbie Jeep. Not only did the scaled
-down Jeep stand out, not it would only go five
miles an hour. The police chase ended quickly.
The subject, George Fizzulli, did not get his
six -pack. But did get a free Uber ride with
lights a -flashing straight to jail. Now, from
his underground bunker in Hampton, Missouri,
stocked full of dried goods, canned food, and
a couple of vibrating toys, is Ramblings of a
Madman featuring Rob Rad. My mechanic told me
I couldn't repair your... So I made you one letter.
Good job. Ho, ho, ho. This is Crotch the old
Saint Prick. I'm the guy that comes in after
Christmas and douses all your dreams and hopes.
Ho, ho, ho. Well then, let's check in to Saint
Prick's bag for another letter. This one's from
Little Lexi from Fort Wayne, Indiana. It reads,
Dear Prick, I would just like world peace. Thank
you. Well, little Lexi, all I got for you is
a horrible poem. Roses are red, violets are blue.
I cut up your hamster and made a delicious stew.
Hey, my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash
Riptide, your music news. Walls of Jericho is
a song by Bon Jovi that features a guest appearance
by Def Leppard singer Joe Elliott. According
to this Instagram post, the track is from the
forever legendary edition of Bon Jovi's album,
which was released in October 2025. The song
is named Walls of Jericho. The song features
Bon Jovi and Joe Elliott from Def Leppard. Jon
Bon Jovi chose this song for Elliott to feature
on because it's stadium rock sound that is reminiscent
of both bands. It is their first ever collaboration.
This is Gash Ruktine, and that was your music
news. If it's too loud, you probably have ear
damage, just like me. Hey, good kid. No one gives
an ounce of shit what you had for breakfast.
Not even the person on the other end. You look
like a mentally slow driv yelling into thin air
all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts you out and blows up your eardrums. What
men consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go to
the fuck home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the theming because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Two douchebags,
a microphone, and an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you first world problems. Man,
my internet is so slow. This is bullshit. How
am I supposed to browse or get on TikTok with
slow internet? I'm so pissed off right now. I
don't know what to do. This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on The Hustle. So I
just realized a genius that gets absolutely no
credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited
with the first bag of salad mix that was bagged
and sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe
he is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
bladders for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Introducing Rob Rad's
new book, How to Track Your Enemy by Scent. That's
right, smell your enemy before they get you.
Order this gem now and get a free virtual tour
of Rob's secret bunker in Camderton, Missouri.
Also receive a free copy of his new book, How
to Clean Raw Sewage for Food. Hey, if you're
a fan of paying way too much for trinkets and
food, well your wish is coming true. The Kansas
City International Airport Guest Pass program
is starting today. Yes, you too could overspend
on workless trinkets and $15 cups of coffee.
You want to buy a $50 cheap t -shirt that has
KC Western Auto Building image on it? We got
you covered. Want a barbecue sauce gift pack?
No problem. Just a mere $40 on your first morning.
Hurry. You know rubes are jumping all over to
get to this complete ripoff. Because people are
cheap. Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time
for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit
about. A pet turtle named Sashi is thought to
be the oldest one in captivity at 120 years old.
We are. Two douchebags and a microphone. I am
Mark, and I am here in Kansas City at the Talk
is Cheap studio. Man, my goats are pathetic.
You know what? I'm just not going to do them
the rest of the day. That's it. So go ahead,
Rob. Yes, it's gone. It's out. It's over there.
Awesome. All right. Like I was talking about,
rat tours. Okay, New York City has a rat problem.
Everybody knows this. And a person, well, actually
people, this is just one of them, have been capitalizing
on this whole issue by having rat tours. Rat
Tours are a real quirky trend in New York City
where guides like the famous Rat Daddy, Kenny
Bulwark, take people to see the city's notorious
rat hotspots. Offering a mix of urban exploration,
education on the road and problem, and social
media buzz, often featuring late night walks
to see rats in action around garbage and construction
sites. These tours, some free, some paid, aim
to show the reality of New York City's pest issue,
drawing crowds from viral TikToks and highlighting
issues with waste management. So, pretty interesting
stuff there. People are making money off of this.
And people actually care about, you know, a rat
tour. So, Jeffy X had to do some sleuthing like
he always does. And he found tours that have
failed. So Jeffy X is our detective that goes
around and finds like bad product ideas, bad
tours, stuff like that. He's been incognito.
He's been threatened by corporations. They've
come after him. So he's always incognito. And
he gets all these information from us. And he's
usually, you know, he's been shot at. He's been
tasered. He's been cracked into balls. I mean,
everything, the poor guy. But he does it for
us. And in return, Rob. Made him. Rob is an expert
embroiderer, in case you didn't know. And he
embroidered very well. He does it with his feet.
He does it with his hands. He can even do it
with his eyelids for a certain amount of time,
right? Yeah, very short period. Yeah. He does
it in his loincloth. That's pretty tiring. Yes,
yes. He does it in his loincloth, too. So, you
know, if he's doing his feet, you may want to
look the other way. You know, so. Might be a
good idea. yeah yeah so he embroidered jeffy
x some embroidered underwear on the front it
had x on the back it has jeffy and uh he also
made him a flying bat suit and he's soon to have
seven sergeant sergeant peppers outfits because
jeffy x is a huge beatles fan so rob made him
um a sergeant peppers outfit and the thing is
is uh he will never take it off so it's black
now and smells horrible so rob Oh, I know. So
Rob for Christmas made him seven. So he has one
for each day of the week so it can all be cleaned
and he can wear a different one every day. So
he'll be okay in that Sgt. Pepper's outfit. And
as far as the embroidered underwear, Rob was
nice enough to put a Stephen Piercy pouch. Stephen
Piercy of the Glam Band Rat supposedly used to
put a pouch sewn inside his spandex so he could
throw a couple of socks in there and look better
to females and maybe some gay males. So, Rob
was nice enough. We're sure Jeffy X doesn't need
it, but Rob did it just in case. So, here are
the Jeffy X tours that failed. The first one
was a tour at Chernobyl. I think I would too.
I'd probably wear a suit. I'd wear a radiation
suit, but I would love to see that. They say
it's horrible. Yeah, yeah. weren't they bluish
or something okay they're mutating yeah yeah
they're bluish i thought you did the report yeah
didn't you do the report on him being blue yes
i did okay well i don't want to be blue i don't
want to be smurf looking so i will wear a suit
so the next one is a sewage treatment plant for
new york city yeah i don't i don't want to see
a bunch of turds do you If I want to see turds,
I'll just drive down Kansas City. They're everywhere.
Yeah. Yeah, so. All right. The Burned Out Branch
Davidian Compound Tour. Hey, now that would be
cool. Yeah, yeah. I mean, other than the fact
that so many children and innocent people died,
but other than that, it would be cool to watch.
It would be cool to go see. Hey, we could do
a paranormal show. Ooh, yeah, that's right. Yeah,
we can ask if Janet Reno really sent the firebombing
in or not. Supposedly, supposedly, I don't know
for sure, but that was the word on the street
was the government started the fire and not David
Koresh. But who knows? Don't know if that's true
or not. Don't have any information either way.
So the active landfill tour failed. I don't know.
I like to see big machinery throwing trash around,
don't you? Yeah, I think I'd like that. The next
one is a live volcano tour. Well, that depends
on where you go see the volcano at. If you're
right in it, no. If you're right next to it,
no. But if you're like a few miles away where
it can't get you, that'd be awesome, right? Okay,
then no. No, I would not be a fan of that either.
I can see why they flopped. The next one is bankruptcy
court tour. You know, unless it's an insurance
company, I don't really care. Yeah, me either.
Yeah, so. Or a politician. Same thing. All right.
All right. The next one is a San Quentin maximum
security prison tour. Yeah, hell yeah. As long
as you keep them away from us. You know. I want
to see some famous people. Yeah. Yeah, well,
Martha Stewart's out, so we can't see her. Plus,
she wasn't in San Quentin. She wasn't in San
Quentin anyhow. Yeah, sure. All right. Next one,
a fat rendering plant tour. Now, I've been to
one of those. Those things are horrid. So I can
see how they take the fat and they melt it down
to make, like, beauty products. Oh, yeah. Oh,
it's nasty. Okay. And then a mosquito -infested
swamp tour. I'd throw on some off and I'd go
through that swamp, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah, definitely.
Yeah. Yeah, hell yeah. I love the swamp tour
we took in New Orleans. Actually, north of New
Orleans. I forgot the name of it. Shit. Just
on the other side of Lake Pontchartron, we went
on a tour and we saw alligators and all kinds
of, an alligator snapping turtle, which is bizarre.
And also how they get the alligators are funny.
I mean, it's really kind of mean. They throw
marshmallows out. The alligators think they're
eggs and they come up to eat them. So, all right.
And then finally, a bovine slaughterhouse. i
i think so i don't like i don't like things being
slaughtered especially cows i like cows i grew
up around them they all they have personalities
they they are really charming animals they recognize
you they love you and so it would be really hard
for me to see one of those get slaughtered so
even though i love beef so yeah so that's all
jeffy x we thank you and um And me, I'm going
to do like I always do. I'm going to give you
$2 ,500, and you can spend it on hookers and
blow or buy something for your mom. Your choice.
Don't care. So, Rob. Hey. All right. Hey, it
is the Christmas season. Are you hearing angels
and arms? I am now. December 2020. Wow. But this
year, things changed. Good. For the first time,
Wham! hit number one with their 1984 holiday
hit, Last Christmas. That is a great song. It
is. Wham! George Michael does that so well too.
Okay, I like it better than Mariah Carey's one,
so yeah, I get it. That's interesting that Wham
took it, though. I mean, from 1980 -something.
Yeah, wow. Yeah. It's quite a feat for a song
that came out more than 40 years ago. The saddest
part is that late George Michael didn't see the
success. He died on Christmas Day in 2016. That's
right, yeah. Yep, he did. Heart attack, wasn't
it? Yeah. Yeah, and he took frequent bathroom
breaks. Look it up. Yeah. Yeah, anyhow, go ahead.
Oh, the dork. The dork and wham. The other guy.
The dork. The dark -haired guy that was goofy.
Okay. George Michael was a blonde. He turned
dark hair later. He was actually Greek. Yeah.
What is it? Like George Papadopoulos or something
like that. Papadopoulos or something like that.
Anyhow, go ahead. Wow. I agree. It's time she
has been taken down. Now, I'm glad. Facebook,
man, Facebook, come on. Well, here's what's really
cool is this right here. It was a really cool
song that took it down. And it did deserve to
be there. Yeah, last Christmas, I mean, George
Michael does such a great job on that. I mean,
it's just, it's a really good holiday song. And
it's like, it's a rendition. that isn't exactly
like the original, it's really good. Like I said,
it originally came out 41 years ago, and here
it is. Oh, yeah. And before that, it was a classic.
This is 25, yeah, 45, 41 years. Very cool. Right
on. Thank you, Rob. And I did hear angels and
harps. Thank you. All right, I have a customer
satisfaction from Food Incorporated Magazine.
And this is the top seven or eight, I think it's
seven. Yeah, the top seven customer satisfaction
in fast food restaurants. And this is based on
food consistency from store to store for taste,
appearance, and quality. Okay, so the number
seven is In -N -Out Burger. I think they should
have been higher because In -N -Out Burger, every
time I've had something from In -N -Out Burger,
it's been exactly the same and it's been good.
It's been really good. And some of the ones that
are ahead of it, I have not had great success
with them a lot of times. So true, I don't live
around an In -N -Out Burger and I have to rely
on vacations to go there. So there's lesser amount
of... of time spent but i've never had a bad
meal there it's always been almost exactly the
same and the and the customer service is great
they're friendly so i i thought that in and out
should have been much higher if not number one
but they're number seven number six i don't have
very much experience with raising canes it's
uh chicken fingers rob do you have any uh knowledge
of them at all Okay, I couldn't tell you yay
or nay. This next one I agree with because their
coffee may be overrated, but they consistently
have the best help, and that's Starbucks. Starbucks
usually has energetic people that are happy to
get you what you want. They're quick, efficient,
and they're friendly. So I agree with that. I
think Starbucks should be higher than five. So
I'm just kind of surprised they call them fast
food. But I guess they do have food, so they
can. So, okay. Number four is Wendy's. I do not
agree with that at all. If you go to a good Wendy's,
it's great. If you go to a bad Wendy's, it's
hell. And there are a lot of bad ones, in my
opinion. So I don't agree with that at all. Number
three, I agree with. That's Taco Bell. Even if
you get a bad meal at Taco Bell, it's still good.
You don't know if they messed it up, do you?
No, it's the same thing. It's like, what have
I got in here? What is this, an Enchirito? Okay,
what is it? Meat, beans, and lettuce, and sauce,
and tomatoes. Oh, okay, hey, I got a taco. What
is it? Oh, it's meat, beans, tomatoes, and sauce.
You really don't know if they screw your order
up. You don't. But it's all good. It's not Mexican.
It's something else. It's kind of like Olive
Garden, you know. I don't think they're real
Italian, but it's still great. um number two
mcdonald's i could not i could not disagree with
them more i i mcdonald's to me has become atrocious
from the food quality to the help this is my
opinion and what i've observed myself other people
still love them i know a lot of people love them
but what do you think rob Yeah, number one, the
food never really appealed to me. Number two,
anytime I've had them or had to have them, like
in the morning sometimes, it's kind of like it's
easier to just run by McDonald's and grab something.
And they never get your order right, in my opinion,
the ones that I go to. They never get it right.
They're surly. They don't give a shit about you.
They slam the door on you, the drive -thru door.
And then I had that idiot that was afraid of
the wind. Remember that? Yeah. Yeah. And you
go, I can't, I can't. Here, here, reach out of
your car and reach in here and get your money
and your food because that wind, I can't deal
with it. I about slapped him. I'm like, what
the fuck are you going to do if something really
goes down? You're afraid of the wind. What if
a fucking war breaks out and people are getting
ready to come kill you? I can't go out there.
They got to kill me. I'm afraid of the wind.
That, that person right there is the first one
killed, the first one eaten. I mean, I should
put him on the new segment. You might be a pussy
if. If you're afraid of the wind, right? All
right. Number one is Chick -fil -A and they do
have great customer service. Their food to me
is overrated, but their service and their food
is always exactly the same. So if you really
like their food, it could be number one easily.
But to me, I would put In -N -Out Burger and
I would put Starbucks ahead of them. with Taco
Bell at a third solid. And I don't know about
Raising Cane's. So, all right. Rob, do you have
something? Yeah, I do. Okay, cool. Do you want
to bash off Logan Paul a little bit? Yeah, like
the boxer did? Go ahead. Yeah. I just had a little
story after that. Was that not cute? Do you see
the stills of his face when he's getting his
ass kicked? Oh, my God, yeah. I watched the video.
He looks... He's got this look of confused, dazed,
like, what the hell did I just get into? This
guy is not playing around. This guy isn't a Mike
Tyson or anybody like that. He was trying to
fight Butterbean. Also, it was supposed to be
another Expedition match. But... I loved it.
I loved every second of it. Yeah, and he's got
a broken jaw. Oh! No, he's not going to be fighting
in 30 days. He's probably never going to box
again, but he's making like $96 million. He's
made the most out of nothing. I have to commend
him on that. He found a niche of something he's
not really good at. He is done with it. I mean,
he didn't just get his ass whipped. I mean, he,
what would you call it? Extraordinary. Yeah.
It's going to be hard to get another match after
having your jaw, like, broke like that. Well,
yeah, no one's going to want to fight you. You're
too high chance. Too much of a liability, man.
Yeah, people don't want to do that. You crack
his jaw and ruin it. You don't want to be the
guy that did that. Yeah, he's going to find a
hard time finding legitimate people to fight.
I think he needs to write a book. A tell -all
on how this stuff came about. I would love to
know how they figured this stuff out and how
it was going to go down, whether it was scripted
or not, and all of this. Because the Mike Tyson
one looks so scripted to me. It may not have
been, but... You're close. I mean, I know Mike
Tyson's closing in on 60. You're close to my
story. Oh, oh, go ahead. I'm sorry. No, no, no.
We were talking. Go ahead. Oh. Yeah, I'm the
same way. I'd like to know all that. I would
love to know that, and I think a book would be
in order, because I'm like you. I don't think
he's boxing again. One way or another, I don't
think he's boxing again. Yeah, I mean, you could
practically spit on his jaw now and break it.
So, yeah, nobody wants to deal with that. Okay,
well, anyway. Okay. Okay. Mm -hmm. Wow. Hmm.
I think so, too. I think that's a book that I
would look for. And that's interesting that the
second part of the story was a book because that's
what I wanted Paul to do, Jake Paul to do. Yeah,
yeah. And this is their mom. I think that's something
that I would like to read. I think I'll probably
get that. Yeah, it's about raising the boys and
how much trouble they got into and shit. I could
see that a mile away, couldn't you? Oh, yeah.
Wow. Well, I... I got a story here I'd like to
cover while we're here. And then after that,
if you want to go on, that's fine with me. If
you have other stuff to do, I understand. So,
all right. We've been harping about DoorDash
and Uber Eats for a while now, including last
show's story about the guy that picked up a chicken
wing from the ground and put it back in the bag.
Right? Yeah. Like I stated before, if I can't
get my own food, I don't need it. So, a food
delivery driver is accused of dropping off an
Arby's bag and spraying pepper spray towards
it. It happened in northern Vanderburg County.
It was just past midnight on December 7th when
Mark Cardin and his wife decided to order DoorDash.
It didn't take them long to realize something
was wrong with their food. I noticed my wife
had started eating and she started choking and
gasping. And after she had a couple of bites
of her food, she actually threw up, Mark said.
Mark started to investigate. I had to look at
the bag, and I seen that there was some kind
of spray or something, he said. The bag had been
tampered with, so I pulled up my doorbell camera
and seen that the lady who dropped the food off
actually tampered with it on purpose for some
reason. The driver has not been arraigned yet,
but will be soon. Wow. I'll tell you what, there's
probably some laws that cover that, but it's
probably not enough. That person right there,
deserves a lengthy jail sentence for that. That
shit right there, I mean, she could have killed
him. She could have killed him, for real. Because
a lot of people can't handle that, especially
in their system like that. So, interesting, and
nobody knows why she did it. I mean, you know,
they didn't do anything to her. They left a tip,
they said. So I don't know why, no one knows
why she did it. So, I mean, you'd think being
in a business like that, you'd want your clientele
to be happy and alive. So, I don't know. So,
that's the end of that story. So, Rob, you got
anything or you want to shut this down? Well,
seeing how I got to be on the road like 10 and
a half hours and it didn't sell some springs,
I think I want to get shut down. Understandable.
All right. So is our next show going to be on
Christmas night? Is that what you said? Well,
that's what I was going to talk to you about.
Okay. I talk to my kids. My daughter has to work
until 4 until Christmas, 10 to 4 Christmas. Okay.
So we're going to do our Christmas about 5 or
6 Christmas night. Okay. So would you be all
right with Friday night? Yeah. Yeah, I could
do that. Okay. That's fine. That will give me
time to process three shows that I have right
now that is going to need to be edited and processed
and put up. So yeah, that's fine. Friday is perfect.
So cool. Yep. And also I got to get to my emails
again because it kicked me off of my password
again and I keep trying to change it, but it
sends it to my old email address that doesn't
exist anymore. So I got to figure something else
out. I got these ones, and then after that, it
shut up on me. It closed down. I know there's
a way to do it, but I'll get it figured out.
That'll give me time to figure out. Keep sending
your emails in. It's not shut down. I just got
to get into it. So anyhow, everybody, thank you
for listening. Have a good night, assholes, and
Merry Christmas. So the next time we talk to
you will be after Christmas. Everybody have a
Merry Christmas. And don't forget, don't forget
why we celebrate Christmas. That's all I got
with that. So enjoy what you have. Love what
you have. Love the people around you while they're
here because someday all that's going to change.
Not trying to be sappy. I've had a lot of people
die around me this year. So please enjoy every
second. Don't live in the past. Don't live in
the future. Live right now and enjoy everything
around you. I love every one of you guys. Thank
you for listening. We are douchebags. Merry Christmas,
everybody. Merry Christmas. We are douchebags,
but we do love you guys. So please be careful,
and we will meet you again on this same whatever
you listen to us on. So thank you very much.
Good night, assholes. Good night, assholes. Oh,
no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has
explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.