Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
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Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
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finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Great news, assholes. You can
now email the douches anytime, anywhere. In the
middle of a job interview. No big deal. Take
it a bath. No problems there. Tap dancing. Easy
as pie. Just send it to 2douches at mail .com.
Do it now, pussies, or I'll smash you in the
junk. Since the dawn of time, weird shit has
happened. Strange occurrences, unexplained phobias,
and other odd happenings. Over the next minute,
we would like to bring you odd, rare phobias
and conditions. Perry Romberg syndrome. Cause
is unknown, no known cure, and extremely rare.
Parts of the face slowly wither. Over years,
muscles, skin, even bones shrink on one side
of the face, causing disfigurement when it stops
progressing. Hey, good kid, no one gives an ounce
of shit what you had for breakfast. Not even
the person on the other end. You look like a
mentally slow driv yelling into thin air all
through the store. I pray that Bluetooth shorts
you out and blows up your eardrums. What men
consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look
back home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the theming because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. And now, Deep
Thoughts with Mark. Hmm. Does a straw have one
hole? Or does it have two? Hmm. I may never know.
Hello, this is Satan. You might know me from
my pet name, Inflation. I'm here to tell you
that there's no better way to relax than listen
to two douchebags in microphone by a nice warm
fire at night. I sit there and I reflect on all
the souls I burned that day. Enjoy. People often
ask, how do we cram so much funny into one little
show? Well, it's simple. We buy funny in bulk
on the Internet. Hey, Mark, you're wanted at
the front door. There's a big bag of funny they
need you to sign for. Okay, thanks a lot. I'll
be right there. I'm still sorting out the funny
we got from yesterday. There's your answer. We
buy funny in bulk on the Internet. Jam X. What
the hell happened? You were the generation of
change. You never wanted to be one of them. Apathy
spoke for you. Fuck the man. Fuck the system.
What the hell happened? The generation of angst?
The generation of noncompliance? Is now buying
a boat? You're really fed up to kill someone
who dangled a dollar near you. Great job, Xers.
Everything's ruined. This is Two Douchebags and
a Microphone. We are a podcast that originates
out of Kansas City, Missouri and Wheatland, Missouri.
My name is Mark and I am at the Talk is Cheap
studio and I like to make goat noises. Well,
I had some stuff happen on the last podcast,
me and Topher's, right? So I'm going to go into
a little opinion and then tell you about something
else, okay, about this. This is my opinion only.
I spoke about the lady that hit my Jeep at a
Whataburger parking lot a few months back, right?
Remember that? And in my opinion, American Family
was horrible to deal with. wanted to and they
wouldn't listen to anything else and they were
trying they wanted me to get footage from the
camera which is almost impossible to do and then
dealing with overland park police department
they never answered me back so in my opinion
the whole thing To me, it was just like, oh,
who fucking cares? I mean, I'm sorry, but I mean,
to me, the Overland Park Police Department did
not even bother to call me back. And that pissed
me off. I'll tell you that right there. So anyhow,
there wasn't anything I could do about it. No
footage. And the ladies just pretty much, the
adjusters, just like, well, this is what you're
getting. We determined that this is a damage.
And I'm like, well, you didn't have anyone look
at it. When the guy that I had look at it at
the Gerber collision said it did all of this
other stuff. And I said, well, how do you get
that? Well, we had our person look at it here.
And I'm like, those are pictures. You're not
here. And she wouldn't listen to it at all. So
to me, I don't like that. I don't like that company
at all. And I think, in my opinion, they did
me wrong. So anyhow, well, I was hit again, this
time at the city market during a podcast. Yes.
As a matter of fact, I think it's on the Music
Creeps. I've already released the Sports Bastards.
But on the Music Creeps, we're doing our podcast
and this guy walks up and he goes, hey, hey,
we noticed that they pulled in and then they
pulled their truck out right behind my Jeep and
just sat there. And I even said something during
the podcast. I go, hey, Topher, I go, look. I
go, look at the way that person's parking. I
go, that's stupid. And then he walks up, he goes,
hey, does anyone know who's that black Jeep is?
uh it's mine well i just hit it oh fuck so i'm
like all right so we pulled the we pulled the
podcast over right so we go over there and uh
go over there and uh he gives me a very nice
guy he didn't have to say anything very nice
guy And he was working for a company. So he showed
me the damage. He said he was sorry. He didn't
mean to. I'm like, dude, accidents happen. I
go, I commend you for finding me. I said, you
could have drove off. He goes, I know. He goes,
I'm not like that. I go, neither am I. Thank
you very much. So he gave me his insurance affirmation.
I gave him mine. So this is the Hartford. And
I dealt with them. And it was easy as pie. They
took the word. of the collision company gerber
collision company they took their word on what
happened and i told him i said i can't do it
right now i have too much stuff going on for
christmas and all that and he said and the adjuster
he goes all right he goes i'm going to mail you
a check for what they're asking for to do the
repairs he said when you need a rental give me
a call back and i will set you up just like that
I'll tell you what. To me, my opinion, Hartford
is a good company. Hartford? Hartford Insurance.
Hartford, like Hartford, Connecticut. Hartford
Insurance. Yeah, they did a great job. And to
me, my opinion, my opinion only, American Family
is trash. So, anyhow, okay. Rob, would you say
you and I both did okay in life so far? Not the
most successful, but not even close to a failure?
You know, we both live well and really... Yeah,
I've survived. My bills have been paid. Yep,
you eat every day. I've raised my kids. I'm doing
all right. Yeah, the same here. You know, we
both live well and really want for nothing. So,
I'm going to offer you this, Rob. Now, listen
to this. Teenage binge drinkers earn more money
and success later in life, a new study reveals.
You get connecting the dots here? Are we connecting
the dots? Yeah, right there. Binge drinking might
not be the recipe for failure that it's portrayed
as in popular media. Recent studies have shown
that heavy boozing during one's youth could improve
one's chances of success later in life. Well,
that explains it. That's why I led off with this.
I was like, oh my God, this is gold. This is
gold. In his new book, The Beauty and Pain of
Drugs, Norwegian sociologist Willie Peterson
of the University of Oslo argues that communal
drinking when young could help ease inhibitions
by acting at a social lubricant, the Times of
London reported. In turn, this helps advance
the liquor -loving careers faster. than those
of their socially more sober counterparts. And
I do believe that, right? It makes you more adjusted
to social situations. It actually brings you
to networking. Only you don't realize it at the
time. You go to a party, you meet this person,
this person, this person, okay? And then somebody
you meet at a party says, you know, hey, I work
on transmissions. Well, the old Monte Carlo,
something's going wrong. It won't shift right,
okay? Hey, you know, whoever you're hanging out
with, do you have that guy's number that works
on transmissions? Oh, yeah, yeah, Jimmy. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Could you call him and ask him if
he'll call me because I have a transmission problem.
I'll pay him to fix it. You know, we're networked.
back then like that right we always knew somebody
that could do this or that or whatever but it
was networking at a primitive level but we you
know we didn't have any idea we're doing it so
i think that is one of the explanations um so
i don't quite believe all of the explanation
though i believe the binge part of drinking is
an obsessive trait also well yeah go ahead uh
-huh You're right. Because those that do drink,
they may watch it when they're younger, but they
start drinking heavier when they're older. You
know, there's a lot... We start over early and
we start lighting off, so we start sparking it
up. Well, I was never afraid of alcohol. That's
what I'm thinking. Okay, here's another thing
I could interject to, and I just thought of this.
I was exposed to alcohol at an early age because,
like everyone knows, it was a soup podcast. I
lived in Greece. Well, over there, it's okay
to give the children wine because the water isn't
that good. So, it's customary. Children and grown
-ups can all drink wine. They won't let you drink
30 glasses, right? They'll let you have a small
glass of wine with dinner. I was subject to that
at an early age. So I don't believe when I was
drinking, I thought anything about it. Where
other people, they're hanging out at the liquor
store, and they get like a 12 -pack from somebody,
you know, an older guy that bought it for them
for a couple of bucks, right? Okay, and they're
like, oh my God, I got alcohol. And me, I'm like,
oh, okay, cool, all right. Well, I'm going to
try this new stuff. I have wine. What is this,
beer? Okay, I'll give it a try. You know what
I mean? So I think that has something to do with
it. I started in the 70s and 80s. Okay, maybe.
Well, I was giving drinks at a young age. It
was the 70s, you know? I was like 10, and I was
drinking. My dad didn't drink. Well, you knew
he was a health food nut. Todd tried to teach
me a lesson one Halloween. Oh, my God, that was
a good time. Excellent. And here we are today.
Yes, we are. My dad didn't drink, so I could
find nothing around the house. You know, he was
a health food nut. We spoke about that before,
and he would not allow. You remember, I mean,
we couldn't even have potato chips in the house,
and he'd flip out. Right. So, yeah, so we couldn't
have alcohol in the house either, so it all...
You see, I had a neighbor that had a liquor cabinet.
Uh -huh. Okay, and one more thing I'd like to
add to this, okay, is... Okay, you were indoctrinated
pretty early. Well, I never did... Yeah, because
you did it all. I also think that this is an
element too, and correct me if you think I'm
wrong, slightly wrong, or dead on. Okay, the
binge drinking part of it also parlays into other
parts of your life, right? To where you focus
in on something well, and you can get the task
done because you are dedicated to it, right?
So in other words, not maybe not obsessed, but
kind of like a binge thing. You make sure that
you're really good at whatever it is you want
to do. Right? Yes. And I think that that's part
of our personalities when we were binge drinking
when we were younger. I think that's just part
of our personalities. Even when we were binge
drinking, we still held jobs. Yeah. We made our
own way, you know? Yeah, exactly. And that's
a great point right there. And that's the way
we were taught. Yep. Yeah, I 100 % agree. All
right. Cool. All right. Rob, would you eat pudding
with a fork? That would be a pie, wouldn't it?
Well, I'm going somewhere with this, of course.
That's why. I don't know. Okay. Gen Z has pudding
parties or Pudding McGabelle, which... Which
means pudding with a fork, I think in French,
I'm not for sure. One of those fucking languages.
All right, okay, whoever it is. And I don't mean
that derogatory. Whatever language it is, that's
what it is. All right, Google it if you want
to know. Okay, so pudding with a fork are a viral
absurd social trend originating in Germany where
young people gather in public spaces like parks
to eat prepackaged pudding using only a fork.
creating a low -pressure fun and communal experience
to meet people and escape daily stress, often
starting with a countdown and speech before digging
in. The pointlessness of using a fork for pudding
is the appeal. Fostering community through shared
silliness and providing a simple, inexpensive
social outlet away from intense performance or
pressure. Any comments so far? Okay. There is.
A flyer or social media post announces a Pudding
Mitkabel event in a specific location. Bring
your own. Attendees bring their own pudding cups
with a fork. No spoons are allowed. If you have
a spoon, you get fucking kicked out. So, you
gather and count down the people. You meet in
a public spot, often with a host giving a brief
impromptu speech. The pudding moment. Everyone
taps their fork on the pudding cup, counts down
from 10, and then starts eating the pudding with
a fork. The slow, awkward process of eating pudding
with a fork creates opportunities to chat and
connect with strangers. This goes back to networking,
like we talked about, right? Wow. Okay. I see
what mode you're in tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's all kinds of weird shit going on, and
I'm ready to tackle it tonight. So why is it
popular with Gen Z? They asked him. People are
like, why the hell do you go to a public spot
like a park and let everybody know about it?
And all the Gen Zers go out there and they eat
pudding with a fork and have a speech and all
this elaborate stuff. This is 90 % of them answered
like this. And there's varying answers, but they
were all close to the same thing. It's popular
with Gen Z because the absurdism and humor. It's
funny because it's pointless offering a break
from seriousness. It's a community event. It's
a low stakes way to find connection and feel
part of something. And it's low cost. It's an
inexpensive activity accessible to many young
people. It's a reaction to stress. It serves
as a simple, wholesome rebellion against daily
pressures and world events. The trend started
in Germany and quickly spread to Australia, Switzerland,
and now the U .S., including college campuses
like Yale, Northeastern, and UCLA. Via social
media platforms like TikTok and all the regular
outlets that you would expect them to be on,
that's what they are. Rob, you got anything on
that? I see nothing wrong with it. No, I don't.
I don't. I don't see nothing wrong with it at
all. Yeah, I actually, I really admire their
imagination. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, it's weird.
It's odd. But it's stuff like, I don't know.
We used to do weird, odd stuff. Remember, we
would like, I don't know, we would be out late
at night and we'd like stand next to a fucking
stoplight. and just stand there like a mannequin
and see how many people stop and how many people
lock their doors. It was out of boredom, you
know, and it's just, you know, we used to wear
shit all the time. It was like I almost got a
gorilla suit from a guy that was a performer
of some sort. I don't think it was a circus.
It was something else, right? And I was going
to take that gorilla suit, and I was going to
put it on, and I was going to walk around town
in the gorilla suit just for the fuck of it.
I get bored straight through Mouse Creek. Oh,
hell yeah. Yes. Yep. Oh, yeah, Mouse Creek. That's
something else. Mouse Creek was a whole different
thing. I mean, whenever you got in there, you
didn't know what the fuck you were getting into.
You have to be a Kansas City area listener to
understand that. Well, Kansas City is one of
our most... Yeah, it's a lake here locally in
Kansas City. And at the time, a lot of people
went there and partied. I don't know if it's
still like that now. I kind of doubt it. But
we used to all park there and then just go out
in the fucking woods and drink and do stupid
shit. Yeah, that was a lot of fun. So, anyhow,
Val and I was watching this show yesterday. It's
called Little Johnsons. They are a family of
dwarfs. Little people or whatever the fucking
proper name is this week, right? You know, that's
fine with me, but the name, Little Johnsons,
do they not know what that sounds like? I want
a show called Little Vaginas. That's watchable.
I don't know about Little Johnsons, but I think
Little Vaginas would sound like a freaking show.
What do you think? You take that out of the book,
pal. So you know what? No, no, no, no. I'm not
saying like I would watch it pervertedly. I think
I would be like little vaginas. You know, I feel
like I got to see what this. Oh, yeah. Thank
you. Thank you. Okay. So I'm going to end this
with this. Okay. Rob, do you do this too? I'm
pretty sure a lot of people are going to connect
to this. That's why I'm bringing it up. This
time of year, I get really paranoid. I have this
radar and can hear someone coughing or sneezing
a mile away. I automatically try to cover up
and run. Do you do that? No. Oh, okay. I do.
I flip out whenever I hear someone hacking like
crazy. I'm like, fuck you. I'm not getting your
crud. I get as far away from them as I can. No,
I didn't either. That's not what I'm talking
about. I'm talking about someone just being sick
and I don't want to be sneezing, hacking, and
coughing lung cookies out. That's what I'm talking
about. It sucks. I don't like being sick at all.
I'll go to work breathing in more steel. I have
my share of breathing in steel. What do you mean?
I'm off work the next two and a half weeks. Oh,
yeah, yeah. We've got to get together and do
some of these Uncle Rob's Tips for Life so people
can get off my ass. Yeah, I swear. Actually,
if I get the chance, I'd really like to make
a run up there and see you in person. That'd
be great. I'd love to. I've got to get you your
service, man. Oh, all right. That's cool. That
will work. Oh, man. My cousin and his wife and
their son. Mm -hmm. Awesome. Cool. There's this
little gal that works at the Casey's here in
Weaver. She is obsessed with my truck because
the podcast is on the front. That's awesome.
Okay. There's different... Okay. There's different
forms of it, and so far I haven't found the right
one for us. And the reason I say that is creative
control. Creative control. Okay, yeah, please
do, because... All the ones I looked at, it's
not for us. Trust me. And because we like our
creative control and we don't like anyone coming
in and going, you can't say this or you can't
do that. So to be true to that. Yes, and I'm
saying stick with our guns on this. I think we
do what we do very well. And we need to keep
doing it. So, yeah, I automatically, the coffee
didn't cover it. But anyhow, just as I was starting
to dig Gen Z here real quick, I found this on
TV and the internets. Tin fish rage. This is
a massive social media trend of tin fish becoming
trendy, aesthetically pleasing, and healthy snack
or meal. This also spawned a new term because
of the inflated price of fish called recession
energy. Which is another... Okay, time out. Time
out. Okay. Is that tin? T -I -N? T -I -N. T -I
-N. Tin. Tin fish rage. It's fish... That's what's
going like this one there? Yeah, it's fish that
comes out of tins and they put them on charcuterie
boards instead of having like, you know, meat
and cheese on there. And it's supposed to be
like a healthy alternative to charcuterie and
snacks and stuff like that. And it's like a huge
rage with Gen Z that this is, you know, that
this is on the internet everywhere, that this
tin fish rage. But this recess in energy, how
about if we have a new guy explain it here real
quick? That sound okay? He's off of suspension.
He's off of suspension. I let him come back.
But he's on probation. I told you. He's on probation.
We'll see what happens. Hello. This is a new
guy, and these two dumbasses want me to explain
the term recession energy, I believe. Well, okay,
here we go. Recession energy is a newer term
used by younger generations that means a feeling
on the street is uneasy about the economy. Younger
people will use this term to point out how rough
earning a living can be. There you guys go. Maybe
these two dumbasses will leave me alone now.
All right, new guy. I mean, I don't know, man.
What are we going to do? He's surly as hell.
I mean, but he does his job. He does his job,
though. I mean, do we just put up with him being
a dick? I know. I mean, I'm wondering if maybe
I should cut back on his pencil shavings and
give him something to think about. What do you
think? You think that'll teach him? No? There
you go. Okay, well, new guy, he left right after
he did that segment. He knows about the Batsuit.
He'd been listening a long time. He knows about
the Batsuit, so that might make him happy. I
know Jeffy X said he's coming over there during
Christmas break because he doesn't go to these
places and uncover their secrets during Christmas
time. He leaves them alone. Yeah, he can't wait
to get those Sgt. Pepper's outfits and the bat
suit and the embroidered underwear. But anyhow,
Rob, you have some stuff you want to speak about,
so please. Yes, I do, Mark. Okay. That sounds
pretty confident. Okay. Are you ready? I'm here
holding on. For horns and trumpets. Oh, okay.
This is right up your alley, buddy. Alright.
Alright, here we go. Okay. Rob, I'm getting teary
-eyed. The ALF Model A Ultralight, which will
likely be available to customers by early 2026.
Oh, like the first quarter of 26. Yes, early
2026. Yes, and? Okay. Mm -hmm Wow Wow Okay, well
maybe next time Yep Okay, so they'll get cheaper
later when they keep mass -producing them. So,
okay. Okay. They're going to see how they...
No, actually, the one I'm looking at... Mm -hmm.
It... Oh, let me see if I can pull this picture.
It almost looks like an El Camino or something.
Really? I love El Caminos. I love El Caminos.
It looks like it has a bed like a truck. But
it looks smaller like an El Camino. How about
a Ranchero? Does it look like a Ranchero too?
Or just an El Camino? Okay, I'll do some research.
Wow. Okay, cool. Okay, cool. All right. Okay,
thank you, Rob. Is that it on that one? Okay,
let's take our first break. Then we're going
to come back with some emails. Sounds awesome.
You know I love our emails. I do too. They're
the best, I swear. Anyhow, all right, we'll be
back. Have you ever wondered what something came
about? Have you ever looked at something and
said, hmm, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you... The
origin of. This is the origin of Rob Rad's loincloth.
Rob used to strip in a nightclub called McCock's
on the city's east side. Rob was the only completely
new dancer at the club. The other dancers were
jealous of Rob making all the cash and made him
use a loincloth to dance with. Rob soon had to
wear his loincloth daily. He found out that he
could get out of traffic tickets, sell vinyl
siding, and pick up hotties at the come and go.
Rob now wears his loincloth everywhere except
work. Sports plus pubic hair equals to bad things.
Four out of five people surveyed said that teeny
douchebags in a microphone podcast are more entertaining
than a gum infection. The fifth one called the
cops, and we had to leave. Remember to send all
male body part photos to Rob Rad's inbox. Oh,
shit. What's that over there? Oh, no. It's the
island of horrible jokes. Ugh. I am the mad shitter
in Clayton, Missouri. Well, okay, like I said,
this is a long time ago, you know, uh... I don't
know. I was in my mid -20s. I had sleep apnea,
and I had to wear a CPAP. And then I opted for
the surgery. So I got surgery, and then I went
back to the doctor. And the doctor was good.
You know, this is before you could buy the CPAP
machines. You had to rent them. Oh, yeah. Okay.
So it was very expensive for me to keep it another
day. And the insurance told me, if you don't
take it back today, that we're going to start
charging for it. And then in some outrageous
sums, I'm like, okay, where do I take it back?
And they said, Clinton, Missouri. I'm like...
What the fuck? And I was like, well, you want
to pay for it? No. Okay. So here I was on my
way to Clinton, Missouri, you know, fucking tooling
there in my little Ford Ranger at the time. So
I tool all the way to Clinton, take the fucker
back. And on the way back, I'm like, you know,
it's going to be an hour before I can stop. There's
no station. So I pull in, get some gas. I'm like,
eh, I need a 7 -Up or something, you know. So
I go into the crapper there, and it was like
both of these walls just, just alongside where
the urinals were, were covered in this, like,
liquid shit. And I since found out through a
nurse, they said they do it with a colostomy
bag somehow. And, I mean, it's a gag. I mean,
to me, that's like, you'd kill someone over that.
So anyhow, I'm sitting there about ready to fucking
gag. It smells horrible, so horrible. And anyhow,
I'm dry heaving and just pissing as hard as I
can. It's hurting me. And I'm pissing so hard
that it's actually hurting me. I'm like, and
all of a sudden this old man barges in. I think
he's the owner of the store. And he points at
me and he goes, I caught him. I caught him. I
caught the mad shitter. And I'm like, what? And
I go, I just got in here, sir. Meanwhile, I'm
still trying to piss as fast as I can. I'm still
dry heaving. It's him. It's him. I caught him.
And I go. I just got in here. How did I shit
all over everything? My pants are up. And he
would not listen to me. So he starts fucking
harping at me behind me while I'm leaving that
place. Didn't wash my hands, nothing. Pissed
all over myself. And I'm getting the fuck out
of there because I'm not the mad shitter and
I don't want anything. I don't want to be associated
with it. So I'm like taking off and I'm leaving
as fast as I can. I'm like, I'm getting my fucking
seven up, damn it. I mean, I'm thirsty. So I
go over and get my seven up and the old man's
still behind me harping. And then, Sam, I got
the mad shitter. And I'm sitting there just,
I don't know what to say at this point because
he will not shut up. He will not quit fucking
chirping at me from behind me. So I get up there,
and I'm by myself. And I look the lady in the
eyes. I go, I just walked in there. I'm not the
mad shitter. And she looks at me and goes, sure
you're not. I don't think she believed me either.
She thought I was the mad shitter. Yeah, so I
brought my seven up and left in shame. What a
barbecue sauce gift pack? No problem. Just a
mere $40 on your firstborn. Hurry. You know,
rubes are jumping all over to get to this complete
ripoff. Because people are sheep. This is Joshua
Belmont, your food for thought man on The Hustle.
So I just realized a genius that gets absolutely
no credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is
credited with the first bag of salad mix that
was bagged and sold. Yesterday was his birthday.
I believe he is still alive. This guy's genius
will never be fully appreciated. Before this
ban, we settled for iceberg lettuce with maybe
a couple of croutons and some cheese. Was Mr.
Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no. He realized
that Billy Americana would never go out and buy
a couple of radishes, a couple of carrots, a
head of purple cabbage, maybe snow peas, and
possibly some cute romaine lettuce for extra
bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have a national
holiday. Ho, ho, ho! This is crotchety old St.
Prick. I'm the guy that comes in after Christmas
and douses all your dreams and hopes. Ho, ho,
ho. Ho, ho, ho. It's time to read another letter.
Let's get into the bag and see what we have.
Oh, here's a letter from little Lori. It reads,
Dear St. Prick, All I want for Christmas is my
mom and dad to get back together. Nothing else.
Well, little Lori, I don't have a lot of answers,
but I do have a poem for you. Roses are red.
Violets are blue. Your mom is a whore. Your dad
hasn't a clue. He is addicted to coke. Your mom
likes to toke. And they will both die broke.
Now get out of here, you little shit. You get
nothing. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Yes, it's true. Mark
is an old bastard. It's also true that Mark uses
a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell
you, if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,
It's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. And now we look
in on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Why, excuse me, my dear sir. Could you please
direct me to the nearest self -employed person
in a motorized vehicle that will transport me
where I ask them to in exchange for money and
a tip? Do you mean an Uber ride? Why, yes. Yes,
I do mean an Uber ride. Then just say an Uber
ride, you dumb motherfucker. And why are you
constantly following me around asking me stupid
questions? Fucking idiot. Hello, this is Phineas
J. Valtaris III. I'm here to deliver your music
news this evening. Toto Steve Lukather said that
Michael Jackson's Beat It was almost ruined by
Eddie Van Halen. Steve Lukather has explained
that the issue wasn't Eddie Van Halen's solo
itself. but that Eddie and his engineer, Don
Landy, edited the master tape and messed up the
time code, which was crucial for syncing other
tracks. This forced Luke Catherin drummer Jeff
Porcano to meticulously recreate the song's backing
tracks from scratch, using the faint bleed of
the drums in Michael Jackson's vocal track and
re -establishing the rhythm. This is Phineas
J. Baltar S. III. That has been your music news
for this evening. I have one burning question
for you all. Do people really skip around the
Maypole? Two douchebags and a microphone. I am
Mark here in the Kansas City vicinity at the
Talk is Cheap studio. And I am at Rob in the
Wheatland, Missouri, home of the magnificent
Lucas Oil Speedway and the beautiful Wheatland
RV Park. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. I've
seen pictures of it online. It is a beautiful
RV park. A lot of trees, all that good stuff.
Yeah. What? Well, I can't tell you online or
on the air how close I am to you. Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Gotcha. I've told you. I've told you all
over. Yeah, I got it. Real quick, before I go
into emails, I want to address something here
real quick. All right. Come to my attention that
after the Chiefs lost and were out of the playoffs,
definitely. There have been a number of fans
that started chanting, let's go Royals. Listen,
the Royals are great. We all love them. But that
was not called for. The Chiefs gave us so much
winning. No, no, no. They gave us so much winning.
And, I mean, you can't win all the time. That's
the bottom line. It's a fact. And the people
did that. Shame on you. Really, y 'all be thankful
for what we've had and we're going to have. It's
not over. So, all right. First email. You guys
are the worst thing I've ever had the displeasure
of listening to. Now remember, we have that new
promo for the email, so we're getting more people,
okay? And hate email goes to the front of the
line, like I said. Yep, exactly. I assure you
I turned off this horrible attempt at humor at
59 seconds. Fucking bastard. You guys suck, and
it will be nice when you finally get a brain
and stop embarrassing yourselves. Monty in Fort
Lauderdale. That's what I'm saying. Well, he
did that. You know why he wrote that, don't you?
60 seconds gives us a credit. I don't believe
him for one minute. No, I don't believe him for
one minute, and here's why. Okay. He did not
do it after 59 seconds and decided he hated us.
He went longer than that, I guarantee it. He
said that because it needs 60 seconds for us
to be a credit. They have to listen to it for
one minute. That's why he said that. And I think
I mentioned that before a couple of times, and
that's where he got it from. He's not smart enough
to look it up. So Monty is also probably a fake
name, and he's probably not in Fort Lauderdale.
And this is pretty much a form message from the
haters. This is like template, don't have anything
to back it up, just dog -ish, say bad shit, say
you're horrible, say you suck, say you're stupid.
They're just trying to get their message read
on the air. Yeah, they're just trying to get
in our skin. Whatever. Anyhow, whatever this
douchebag's problem... No, no, no, he's not a
douchebag. We're cool. Whatever this idiot's
problem is... He's like an asshole. Yeah, so...
Is it difficult? Yeah, there you are. So, yeah.
So, Monty, if you will. Fuck off. All right.
Hey, Mark. Ronnie and Tulsa and Mitch are long
-lost brothers. I know this for a fact. Dean
and Fairfield. I don't know where Fairfield is.
No, they are not long -lost brothers. Fairfield.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Do you know
where Fairfield is? I want to know what Fairfield.
I don't know. It doesn't say. It just says...
Dean in Fairfield. There used to be a Fairfield,
Missouri. Used to be. Okay. Yeah, I want to know
this Fairfield. Okay, well, Dean. Give us a little
more info here, dude. I might be a little interested
in this. Oh, that's another thing, too. Okay,
if you're going to write down where you're from,
Please put a state in it, because there's a lot
of same names of towns in every state. So just
put, if you could. Well, it's like Springfield.
You've got Springfield, Missouri. You've got
Springfield, Illinois. Springfield, Massachusetts.
Yeah, pretty much every state has Springfield.
I believe there's a Springfield, Georgia. Yes,
yeah. So, yeah, just if... Whenever you email
us, if you really want us to tell everyone where
you're at, just put a state next to it. And thank
you. Yeah, because if it's the Fairfield I'm
thinking of, people know things. Okay. Well,
all right. We will find out, hopefully. So, Dean,
write us back, please. And thank you. And you're
the best. All right. Yeah. Hey, hey. Yeah. Okay,
I don't know. You know what? We'll find out.
Hopefully he'll email us back. All right, Rob.
I'll learn more about this. Okay. Rob, are you
still working in Camdenton? That's an hour drive
from Wheatland, and those roads are horrible.
Tony and Joplin. Missouri, of course. And I'm
still driving. I love it. I actually like it
in the routine. I'm used to being at work like
5 -10 minutes. But for years I drove an hour
plus. Yeah, I've driven a long race too before.
Okay. Yep. Well, there you go, Tony. Thank you,
Tony and Joplin. Write us again. All right, next
one. Where's the new guy at? I haven't heard
him in a while. I hated him at first, but he
kind of grew on me. Lynx in Kansas City, Kansas.
Lynx, L -Y -N -X. He's on this one earlier. He
was on suspension because he was rather flippant.
But, you know, he does his job, so we're... going
to employ him a little bit longer. We'll see
where it goes from here, but no, he's back. All
right. The next one. I found the food dude on
Instagram. You have to do a lot of searching,
but you're still on the platform. It's food dude
with an underscore and a star quotation. Richie
in Baltimore. I couldn't find it. I tried everything
that you said here. I believe it's still up there.
You know what? If you can get it, God bless you.
I'm glad somebody got sued. Yeah, me too. So
thank you, Richie in Baltimore. Appreciate it.
Because I've yet to find it either. Yeah. All
right. Hey, this next one I love. I need help.
How do you get bloodstains out of socks? Asking
for a friend. Terry in Wichita. Bleach. Bleach?
Yeah. I think he's joking. I hope he's joking.
I don't know. I don't care. Yeah, me neither.
Whatever, Terry. All right. Bleach. Bleach. Yep.
All right. And then finally, the last one. Your
show is the equivalent of wiping your ass with
sandpaper. Jerry and Tulsa. Good. Fucking awesome.
Love that. Got any comments? He's going to. It
may not be Tulsa, but he's going to be back in
Oklahoma. He's working on it right now. Yeah,
well, he may have to go with this dude to ask
for it. Oh, he will. Oh, fuck yeah. Nope. Ronnie
is not to be taken lightly. He will kick your
ass. Sorry to put you in that position, Tulsa
Chief. Yeah, he won't care. I guarantee you.
Save us a drive. Yeah, save us a drive. You're
right. All right. Rob, we turn to you. All right.
You know what comes after this? Yep. The best
segment ever. Ever. Anywhere. Rob, I am garbage.
Yay. The best segment in any media anywhere ever.
Okay. Wow. Okay. Okay. Thank you, Rob. All right.
And, of course, you know how this goes. We got
another, at least. There's one more. Yay. Oh,
this is a pretty good one here. Okay. He lived
entirely off his excess body fat and vitamins,
ultimately losing 276 pounds with seemingly no
adverse effects. He only pooped once every 40
to 50 days. Well, yeah. Wow. Okay. Let me go
further. Okay. Barberi, a 27 -year -old man from
Dundee, Scotland, embarked in one of the most
extreme medically supervised pasts in history.
It was medically supervised. Okay. Okay, that's
how he did it, I guess. All right. The fast lasted
an astonishing 382 days. Wow. During which he
lost 276 pounds. Wow. Regular checkups showed
no major health complications, and his body adapted
by burning stored fat for energy. Mm -hmm. Doctors
later confirmed that his metabolic adaption allowed
him to survive safely, though such a feat would
never be recommended today. And so he survived
off his body fat, but the good thing is it was
medically watched. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. Wow.
But he did it. I know. No, why can't they do
that today? I don't know, and that's why I was...
Yeah, that's why I was like going, huh? Okay.
All right. Thank you, Rob. But yes, they won't
do it today. Okay, I'll tell you what. Let's
take our second break, and I got a... Interesting
story here to see how you all feel about it.
So we'll be right back. Sounds good. Thank you.
Hey, everybody. This is Uncle Rob. I'm going
to give you some tips for life. This is Uncle
Rob's rules to dick pics. Rule number one, title
a pic in someone else's name as long as you get
busted. Complimentary to your wings and girth.
Rule number four, no propping of the leg. Absolutely
no undercarriage. Very important. Next up, things
overheard in hell. John Wayne Gacy is in charge
of human resources. Fuckstick, you're just in
time for brand new feature news nobody gives
a shit about. Bumblebees have been proven to
sing to their young. Oh man, what the fuck is
this? Is this a new feature? What's inside Mark's
head? Sounds stupid to me. Mmm, Stromboli is
so delicious. I love Stromboli. I wonder if it
loves me back. I bet you it does. Stromboli is
so tasty. It's like a giant pizza roll with more
flavor. It's the ultimate food. Mmm, stromboli.
We need stromboli cereal. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's
it. Stromboli cereal. Mmm, stromboli flakes.
Mmm. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm. Let's
see. If I identify as a dog and I start wandering
around the block without a collar on, could animal
control come by and pick me up? Hmm. I may never
know. Long time ago, there was a... party house
and this one i worked at justin jones steakhouse
oh yeah okay and all of us partied at night the
guy that worked there he he lived back behind
justin jones um and uh anyhow he uh he you know
he was divorced and anyhow so he had kind of
like a party house back there so me and a buddy
of mine was sitting back there one night and
we're bored as hell so we're daring each other
to do stupid shit So I told him, I said, all
right, I forgot what he dared me. He probably
ran around the block naked or something like
that. Something stupid, you know, clucking like
a chicken or like, I don't know, you know, just
stuff that we could come up with that we could
do. So I'm looking around. I look next door,
and I guess there's like some party or something
going on, and neither one of us heard about it.
So we're the only two tool bags sitting here
at that party house. We're just sitting there
going, fuck, man, this is boring as hell. So,
you know, we're doing this stupid shit that we're
daring each other to do. So, I look out and there's
a house next to it with this little porch. I
go, hey, go out there, take a dump on the porch,
light it on fire, bang on a door, and then come
back. Sure, no problem. So, hey, I'm sitting
there and I see this silhouette of a moonlight,
this shadowy figure fucking squatting. See these
fucking couple of turds come out. And see him
fucking throw up his shorts real quick. And all
this is just a shadowy figure. Then I see him
stooped over. It took him a long time to get
this fucker lit. I see him over there laboring.
And I'm like, oh shit. So then he like throws
some leaves or some shit on it. And finally I
see this little flame. And I see this like, he
kind of clenches up like, yeah! I have some fire.
And all of this is shadowing, right? So anyhow,
I'm like, ah, good. Good job, well done. So he
comes back. He sits down. And we're sitting there
waiting, waiting, waiting. Nothing. We both end
up passing out. So at 3 in the morning, I wake
up and I see like this glow. It's kind of an
orange glow through the blinds. What the hell?
And I hear a bunch of rustling and shit and people
talking. All of a sudden, it dawned on me. Oh,
shit, he burnt down the house next door. Oh,
my God. So, yeah, I get up. I go over there,
and there's like four firefighters with this
hose, and a guy standing out there shaking his
head, and they're all laughing because someone
shed his shit on the porch, lit it, and it caught
their porch on fire because nobody fucking answered
the door. They were probably sound asleep. Maybe
they're on sleeping pills or something. I'm like,
dude, dude, wake up. He's like, oh, fuck, man.
I'm on probation. I'm going to go to jail. I'm
like, dude, calm down. It didn't burn the house
down, man. Nobody died or nothing. Listen, they're
all out there laughing and stuff. And the homeowner's
like shaking his head like, who the fuck did
this? So anyhow. Tomorrow morning, while grinding
your coffee beans for your double mocha latte,
remember to not get your genitals caught in the
grinder. It really hurts. Who can afford plastic
surgery? Stay safe, everyone. Ms. Gulkenstein
was tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of
her. Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so we could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob, the capuchin monkey, tries to sell
the rest of the capuchin monkeys Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a diamond status Amway
as a capuchin monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. We are two
douchebags and a microphone. I am Mark. And I
am here in Kansas City at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of
the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and the beautiful
Wheatland RV Park in the Doug Blatt studio. All
right, Rob, like I promised, an interesting story
here. A cop with kidney failure six months away
from being retired is being terminated ending
his health benefits. Mount Vernon, New York,
a 19 -year police veteran, Derek Williams, is
on dialysis, and his doctor said he can work
light duty. I do nine hours of dialysis a day,
seven days a week, Williams' statement. He could
do any light duty that they wanted, but they
don't want that. They're saying that there isn't
any light duty and that they chose to terminate
him. But that's not just that here, so let me
go on. William's statement was... Yeah, his brothers
in blue also back him. They were right next to
him when he spoke about this. What makes this
more egregious is Officer Williams was a former
member of the Elite Emergency Service Union,
which he contracted COVID while saving people
in 2020 while working double shifts. Derek chose
to help the community during a pandemic, the
police spokesperson said. His kidney problems
were not work -related. But I'm saying, who gives
a shit? I don't care if it's caused by COVID
or not. That guy did heroic shit and we need
to stand by him. It's bullshit, in my opinion,
that they would take such an honorable guy that
did so many things for people, selfless, probably
will end up dying younger because he did this
for people and they terminated him six months
before he retired so he will not be able to get
dialysis and he might die. He will die if he
doesn't. What kind of bullshit is that, in my
opinion? You got anything you want to add to
that? It is. The guy gave his life for everybody.
Don't you think you could find him six months
of something to do? It's not hurting them any.
You told me who she was. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So
she got, like, hat -pinching and then had to
go take another job. That's fucking evil. That's
bullshit. Whoever did that made they rot in hell.
You know who it was. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm talking
about the person directly responsible for it
that said, we're going to lay her off. I've dealt
with motherfuckers like that. I dealt with a
motherfucker like that at my last job. Not the
one now. Run now, I'm fine. But the one before.
They gave her a severance package and everything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that good stuff. What the
fuck she put in? Hell no. Yeah. Fuck that company.
I know who they are. They're a piece of crap
anyhow. And whoever did that, whoever okayed
that, I hope they get their just desserts in
hell. Just saying that. Yep, we'll just leave
it at that. So, Rob, you had something. Are you
ready to go into what you wanted to? Well, do
you want to go ahead and go into that one? Well,
I'm doing this because it's 9 o 'clock. It's
getting late in the day, and that's why I'm wondering
if we want to go into it. If you want to go into
something else, that's fine. I was just asking
you. Yes. All right, let's do it. Okay. Rob,
please start this off. All right. We're going
to go somewhere tonight. And this is a touch
of guilt back here. Mm -hmm. Because I want to
bring a little politics into this. Yes. But there
is an underlying story. We're all grown up right
now. Don't expect it to last. But right now we're
all grown up. And we want everybody to weigh
in with this. Oh, I'm sure they will. Our emailers
are so fantastic. I guarantee you they will weigh
in on this. Right. So, yeah, and we want to know
what everybody thinks on this direction. Yes.
Mm -hmm. It is unclear whether the classification
will mean significant changes to the Trump administration's
efforts to curb the flow of fentanyl, which is
the center of disease and control and prevention.
SMA has killed more than 48 ,000 Americans in
2024. Mm -hmm. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I think you
got the gist of what we're talking about. I do,
too. I've got a... Yes, I'm thinking... I'm looking
at it like this. Yes, I agree with you 100 %
on everything. Here's the way I'm looking at
it. Okay, what it is is this right here. He's
bringing attention to it by calling it a name
like weapons of mass destruction. He's giving
it attention, which it needs. He's trying to
get people to, look, if you love or hate the
guy, it doesn't matter. I'm just speaking about
this right here. He's bringing attention to the
matter. It is. And anyone that hates Trump, let
a family member die from fentanyl for no good
reason at all, just that some fuck put it in
there to stretch out the drugs. And then see
how you feel. See if you don't agree with Trump
after that. Because I think if anyone has anything
against this is not thinking clearly. They hate
Trump so much that they can't think clearly.
That's what I think. I mean, look, I'm not standing
up for Trump or nothing. What I'm saying is this
right here. Something needs to be done about
this and at least he's fucking doing something
unlike a lot of other fucking politicians. At
least he's doing something. There is one thing
I have always liked about Trump. He does things.
Yes. Okay. He's done a lot of stuff wrong. Yeah,
but we've all done a lot of stuff wrong. Anything
that you do in life that's going to be a hard
decision, there isn't... Well, you also got to
think about our media. You got to think about
the Democrat -Republican battle. You know, you
can't let us know every day. No, so... Yeah,
I'm simply putting it just like this right here.
He's doing something about it. So I think that
people are trying to dissect it and make it.
Stop doing that. Stop fucking making everything
your agenda. And I'm talking about both sides,
both sides. Stop making everything your agenda
or your personal plight. OK, there's not always
not everything is black and white. There's gray
areas. OK, and you can agree with Trump on something
if you. if you allow yourself to think about
it, okay? And I know people that are the other
way on Democrats, okay? So the way it is is this
right here. Yes. Yes, and also the more we try
to get along with each other, I may think you're
as nutty as a fucking squirrel shit, but it doesn't
matter. If I respect you and I leave you alone
and let you have your opinion and don't try to
cancel you and don't try to motherfuck you or
point fingers, The world's a much better place.
And the same way with the other side. Leave people
alone. Let them believe what they want to believe.
We're speaking on this because we're passionate
about this and we think that the drug problem
in America is one of the number one fucking problems
we have. Drugs have ruined this country. I did
not bring this story about drugs. I brought it
about... Exactly. And if anyone makes it anything
else, email me. Make it something else so we
can ridicule you because that's bullshit. This
is not pro or con. What this is is common fucking
sense. Common fucking sense. We have to get drugs
out of our society no matter what it takes. I
don't care. You want to bring in the National
Guard to all these heavily areas that have all
these drugs? I'm for it. I'm for it. We got to
do something. At least somebody's fucking trying
to do something instead of politics in America
where everybody looks the other way because it's
a hard issue. That's what's wrong. Save our families
and our kids. Yes. And if you view it in any
other way, you're skewed. You need to go look
in the mirror. You need to go look in the mirror
and think, you know what, I'm a hypocrite. Because
I won't allow any other thinking. So, anyhow.
Alright, Rob, I'm done with that. Are you? I
mean, that's the way I feel. Yeah. Sunday night's
good. We want our listeners to email us and see
how you feel on our point of view on this. Stuff
like this, what Rob found, stuff like this, what
Rob found, is exactly what we're going for. We're
taking issues that need to be talked about, and
we're trying to dissect them and come up with
different answers. And Rob, I thank you. That
was a great story. And also, the only thing I
ask is, come on, guys. Okay? Email me something
intelligent. Okay? If you don't believe it, that's
fine. Yeah, we don't want someone going, oh,
you're a stupid fucking slob or you're a dumbass.
Come up with something. Yes. No, but you know
some idiot will make it like that. So, come on,
guys. And we're not endorsing Trump or anybody.
What we're talking about is the issue itself.
So, all right. Email me, but be real. Don't lie.
Be serious. Don't try to get a little zinger
in. Let us know. We've actually been kicking
the can about it. Yeah, and this was the perfect
one, and I'm glad you found it. Thank you, Rob.
That was a great story, and this was the perfect
one to kick off something like this. Just get
the... Yeah, it needs to be solved. So, yeah.
Yeah, so, yeah, we appreciate it. Anyone that's
got an honest email, we want to hear your opinions
on everything. So, thank you very much. All right,
Rob, it is 9 -14. You got anything you want to
go into besides that? Yeah, that's about all
I have for my brother. Okay, the same here. So,
email us. Be honest. Don't be a dick. As soon
as we hang up, I'm starting my two -and -a -half
-week vacation. Oh, I need to speak with you
about that, too, because, hey, everybody, listen
to this and listen to it closely. We quickly
here, before too much time, are going to have
more Uncle Rob's tips for life and more ramblings
of a madman, so you little biters can leave me
the fuck alone about it. Okay? Yes. Okay, you
know what? We will fit it in. We'll fit it in.
She totally believes in what I'm doing here.
Rob, if you come up here, I will print off some
of the emails so you can see them. I don't read
them because it's like, okay. I read the first
couple, then that's it. It's like, all right,
okay, get the point, got the point, got the point.
So, yeah, Rob's coming up with more stuff. There
you go. All righty, everybody, thank you for
listening. Have a fantastic evening. Good night,
assholes. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks
like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.