Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
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Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Great news, assholes. You can
now email the douches anytime, anywhere. In the
middle of a job interview. No big deal. Take
it a bath. No problems there. Tap dancing. Easy
as pie. Just send it to 2douches at mail .com.
Do it now, pussies, or I'll smash you in the
junk. Ho, ho, ho. This is Crotch the Old Saint
Prick. I'm the guy that comes in after Christmas
and douses all your dreams and hopes. Ho, ho,
ho. Ho, ho, ho. It's time to read another letter.
Let's get into the bag and see what we have.
Ah, here's a letter from little Lori. It reads,
Dear St. Prick, All I want for Christmas is my
mom and dad to get back together. Nothing else.
Well, little Lori, I don't have a lot of answers,
but I do have a poem for you. Roses are red.
Violets are blue. Your mom is a whore. Your dad
hasn't a clue. He is addicted to coke. Your mom
likes to toke, and they will both die broke.
Now get out of here, you little shit. You get
nothing. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Hi there. This is your
ears. Why are you listening to this garbage?
I thought we were friends. Sir, I see your qualifications
here. May I ask some further questions that could
help me determine your employment eligibility?
Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here,
we have a large population of different ethnic
backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are you by
chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure why
you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. And now we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy. Excuse me,
my dear sir. Could you please put my plain bread
in a small countertop appliance with heating
elements that would spring loaded and would brown
my bread adequately? Well, first off, I'm not
a waiter. I'm just a guy over there sitting at
the table having a drink. Second off, are you
talking about someone toasting your bread? Well,
yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread being
toasted. Then why don't you just ask for your
bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? What the
hell's wrong with you? Tomorrow morning, while
grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha
latte, remember to not get your genitals caught
in the grinder. It really hurts. And who can
afford plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone.
You watch the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse
inevitable? We suggest you download all our podcasts
beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers.
We have the post -apocalypse. Homemade dye from
plants are essential. The dyes can be used to
mark locations on trees, even to color clothing
or to be laid out to where footprints or paw
prints could be left. The dye can be placed on
the ground around the perimeter of your dwelling,
so if you have to leave, evidence will be present
to assess the situation. Two douchebags and microphone
in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you... First world problems. Oh shit! Look at
that drive -thru wine! Surely you don't expect
me to actually have to go in? This sucks. Two
douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark here in the
Kansas City vicinity at the Talk is Cheap studio.
Awesome. Yeah, it is. I love it. Cool. Yeah.
Hell yeah. The RV park's a big deal too. Real
quick, a little side note here. Johnny and O
.P., I will tell the Elliot Snodgrass story,
but not on this episode because it's long. Elliot
Snodgrass was a guy that I came up with, fictional
character, that would do evil things to people.
But then when they would say it was me, I would
go, it was not me, it was Elliot. And they go,
who the fuck's Elliot? I go, Elliot Snodgrass.
Who's that? He's over there. he's the guy that
kicked you in the ass not me bullshit you're
the only person here no it's elliot he's around
the corner quit fucking quit fucking telling
me i did it and you would argue with him just
just vehemently argue with him and they would
finally just get flustered and stop and go fuck
it and walk off but then you kick him in the
ass again and they go hey and they go it's not
me it was elliot so i'll tell it all later it's
a long story and i did some evil shit with elliot
so anyhow I never did Elliot Snodgrass to you,
did I? No. Okay, I think he came along later.
And I don't know how he originated. I don't fucking
know. I was probably on something. I don't know.
No, I didn't really do drugs. I was probably
fucking blasted in the back. No, you really didn't.
Yeah, you were more drunk. Yeah, yeah. I was
probably fucking smashed, hammered in the back
of a Monte Carlo. Coming up with that shit or
something. Anyhow, alright, Rob. We have some
Johnny Deere news. Honestly, I would say... I
think he'd be better on that in the evening.
Yeah, well, just namesakes. Well, yeah, yeah.
The Nasty is a major name. Always has been. The
Nasty Man has been around. He used to own Shaq
Nasty's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, and Raymoor.
Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. It was an under
-21 dance club. That's what it was. And he used
to sit in that booth, and I used to flip him
off and piss him off so bad. Remember that booth
back there? He'd be back there. Yeah, yeah. Well,
I got to talk to him and kind of get to know
him a little bit through that. Well, after I
flipped him off a few times, I finally got to
know him a little bit too, and he was pretty
cool. But I just kept doing that just to see
what he'd do. Yeah, there was nothing in Raymoor
at the time. Mm -hmm. Pretty much... Yeah, and
he pretty much DJ'd at most nights. Yeah. Yeah,
it would... It would... Yeah, which is weird
because Chuck Nasty never, he was never on 102.
He was never on The Rock. He was never on, well,
he's on 101 now, but he was, what was it? Was
it 104? I think he started on something like
ZZ99 or Power 95 or something. I can't fucking
remember. I think it was like ZZ99 or something
like that. Yeah, yeah, and I think he got in
a little bit of trouble. I can't remember exactly
what it was. It's like some sort of a prank or
something. I can't fucking, damn it. Usually
I remember this stuff really easy because this
is the stuff I've always been into, but I can't
really remember exactly what he did. And he got
kicked out of Kansas City, went somewhere else,
he came back. I can't remember, did he ever work
at Q104 or not? I can't remember that. Oh, well.
I don't think Chuck Nasty ever worked for KY.
I really don't. But you know what? I'll look
it up. Yeah, and that always surprised me because
he's kind of a little bit of a more harder edge
guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Randy Miller and the country
shit was like young country, and that's when
they booted everybody out of there and brought
back Randy Miller for young country, and it worked
for a while. I mean, they're still country, but...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And also, it spawned a lot
of careers, actually. I mean, when they kicked
everybody out and all that, it spawned man cow.
He went to San Francisco, no, not San Francisco,
San Jose, no, Monterey Bay or something like
that. One of those places there. And then I think
he worked his way to San Francisco, and then
he blocked the Bay Bridge on that stunt. What
was it, a haircut? He was making fun of Bill
Clinton for getting his haircut or something.
He got a bunch of shit for that. Johnny Dare
was spawned from there because I think Dare stayed
at Q104 during the country time for a while.
And then The Rock picked him up and did very
well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's some
other people there I can't fucking think of.
Of course, Randy Miller, of course. Oh, well.
Oh, okay. All right. We started this with Johnny
Dare News. Okay, hang on. okay um okay so um
you know i can't i can't give you a local station
that he's on yet but i i imagine he will be like
we said but okay but you can buy his new wine
called dirtbag cherry at peculiar winery dirtbag
cherry yeah yeah at peculiar winery yep That
lovable little town right off of I -49 in Central
Cass County. Yes, that place. I could not get
on that town. I have a daughter in that town
and I have a son in that town. I lived in Peculiar
for a little while and I am partially out of
town too. Even the Flying J is kind of cool.
They call it the Jerky J. They call it the Jerky
J in Peculiar. Yeah, the lot lizards, they are
pretty interesting walking around there. The
methersons, they are pretty interesting walking
around there. I can tell you that right now.
Well, it's nice to know they have some work to
show. Yes, yes. You've got to scrub the balls
after you've been on the road for three days.
You've got to scrub the balls down. So, anyhow.
So this peculiar winery is selling this cherry
wine called Dirtbag Cherry. It has a picture
of Johnny on the front. I think it's fucking
awesome. And it's also a great way to keep his
name out there. And hopefully he'll get a gig
here pretty soon because I think that Kansas
City Radio needs him in it. And, you know, as
depleted as radio is and as... oh non -productive
and as much of it's not such a money maker anymore
they still need some they need some kind of talent
on there and he would be a perfect choice so
um i mean because all the talent went away from
radio they went to stuff like this you know they
went to podcasts and the reason is is because
radio doesn't really pay anything anymore because
they don't get the ad revenue they used to because
it's not sexy anymore the internet took it all
over Yeah, you know, the old radio used to be
sexy. Now it isn't. And so, times have changed.
So, I would buy this wine just because of the
name. I'm not much of a wine guy. I would, of
course, need a bottle for the Talk is Cheap studio.
And if I do this, I'm going to be a real dick,
Rob, if I get a bottle for the Talk is Cheap
studio, right? I'm going to put it right next
to my ManCal baseball cap. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe they can start fighting.
And then... I will put my Randy Miller book right
next to it. I'm going to put my KY sticker right
above it. How about that? And you, me, and one
other person understands. I think Johnny will
take the other two, but I think KY will come
down. Yeah, you know what? My opinion. Okay,
you know what? I'm not even... I thought the
whole radio war thing was funny and silly. I
mean, I'm pretty sure there's a lot of hard feelings
because there's some stuff done that probably
wasn't very cool. I'm pretty sure there's still
some hard feelings and stuff. But to me, I always
thought it was funny, the radio wars, you know.
No, I don't think so. No, Johnny was really cool.
No, no, Johnny was really cool when they took
away KY. Okay, if what I understood is correct,
they tried to get him at one time. They tried
to get him on the station. but he didn't want
to go. I don't know if that confirmed or not.
I can't remember where I heard that from. But
no, no, no. I believe he had Max Floyd and everybody
on his show when they were unceremoniously booted
because that corporation thought that they could
do better without. And this is when his 99 .7
KY, when they rebirthed him after the old KY
was tore up by some idiot. probably from out
of town. Yes. So, anyhow. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly.
So, anyhow, that whole segment there, me, you,
and one other person got it. And everybody else
is like, what the fuck are they talking about?
So, anyhow. Alrighty. I think I'm going to start
blocking people on my friends list that do the
highlight all your friends to win something.
That shit pisses me off. Yes, that's what I'm
going into right here. Number one, those are
frauds. No one is giving you a fucking brand
new truck for tagging your friends. Number two,
you're giving out my information. I can't afford
to book a sales tax, so I don't want the fucker
to pay. That's just it. Yeah, no shit. Every
year you got a huge tax bill. I would just do
like people do on the prices, right? They can't
afford it, they sell it back. Exactly. So, yeah.
Number two, you're giving out my information.
No, I know, no. It's like half or less. So, number
two, you're giving out my information for your
benefit. I do not consider that a friend. I can't
believe that in this day and age people still
fall for this bullshit. Why don't I just call
them up and go, hey, give me your bank account
so I can put $30 ,000 in it. Give me all the
numbers. Oh, sure. Okay. Um, you know, I, I'm,
um, if someone pissed me off, I mean, look, I
love my friends, but if you're that fucking stupid,
I don't know if you want, I don't know if I want
you as a friend, you know, to me, that is just
ridiculous. Oh, if I tag everybody, I might,
I'm probably going to get this truck. I mean,
I'm sorry, man. And then the idea of them selling
your information, selling you out so they can
get something. Am I right? If you want to tag
me in something, tag me in a baby Yoda meme or
something. Yeah, in a meme that's cool. Yeah,
in a meme that's cool would be all right. Yeah,
you know, I mean, I could leave those people
that do this their information in one of those
we buy ugly homes companies and tell them I have
three properties they need to get rid of pronto.
That would be my form of highlighting their profile
because I still get fucking from, I sold my house
in Cleveland three years ago and I still get
calls to this day about it. Hey, I'd like to
take that property off your hands on 3rd Street.
Yeah. Yeah. No, I know you're kidding. I'm sorry.
I had something in my mind that I lost now. But
anyhow, I was getting ready to go somewhere with
that. But anyhow, it's cool. You know, I sold
the fucking thing in 2022. And I have these investment
companies calling me. So if they keep fucking
with me, I'll get their information. I'll just
turn it into those home buyers and tell them
I got a few properties. I got to get rid of them
right now. They will not leave them alone. They'll
call them 24 -7. And that will be my form of
punishment back to them. So, all right. 2douches
at mail .com. Break us off an email. Hate mail
goes to the front. I got a new promo that we're
going to insert in every show. That is an email
address. I've learned my lesson. I'm finally
getting other people emailing me except the regular
six or seven that we normally get. And nothing
against them. We love them. But we're getting
more people. Yeah, they're really entertaining.
Yes, I know. I know. Yeah. I'm just going to
keep my mouth shut. Ruthann was not very nice
to me about the Chiefs. Doesn't matter. Doesn't
matter. No, I don't care. Listen, Ruthann is
okay. Ruth Ann is okay. She's a little prudish,
but she's all right. She's a good listener. I've
got nothing against her. Oh, she's not so happy
about him right now. She's kind of... She's not
happy with Joey Burrow right now. I guess he
said some stuff there. Yeah, well... Yeah, well,
she said... She sent me enough emails letting
me know that she likes you and doesn't like me.
I can tell you that right now. Just like everybody.
Nobody likes me. Everybody likes you. That's
fine. I don't care. It's fine. I'm glad they
like you because if they didn't like you, they
probably wouldn't even listen. So, all right.
Yes, that's right. So, I was checking into the
gun show at Thunder Ridge Amphitheater in extreme
southern Missouri. Tickets for anything decent
is about $300 -ish. It's a rip -off for the Gun
Show, Guns N' Roses. Oh, Gun Show. Yeah, Guns
N' Roses, sorry. Gun Show sounds like a gun show.
No, Guns N' Roses show at Thunder Ridge. You
know, I want to go, but then I got to looking
at places in Branson and Eureka Springs because
those are the two closest places that are cool
to get a place. They're like quadruple because
of the Guns N' Roses show at Thunder Ridge. So,
I'm not sure. I'd rather go to Triumph and April
Wine, and then you were saying Styx and Cheap
Trick. Hang on. Okay. That's my next story. Oh,
sorry. Okay. Okay, we're going. I will pay. Okay.
I will pay. All right, and two bands. Two bands
that I always wanted to see on YouTube, but we
never got the opportunity. Both of us. Yes. We
have not gotten to see either one. That will
be May 16th. May 16th at Starlight. Starlight
Theater, Swope Park, Kansas City, Missouri. Hey,
yes, we will. Hey, we could do a podcast from
out on the lawn. And then we'll just... Well,
we can't inside the amphitheater. We can outside
on the lawn. Yes, yeah, yeah. And I would want
to do a podcast during the show. You know what?
All that's going to take a lot of different this
and that, so we'll get to that later. So... Okay,
yes, we will. So the $600 for Val and I to go
to Guns N' Roses and $700 to rentals could buy
us both plane tickets to the beach. I'm thinking
that's my best avenue. Plus, in September, you
can actually get better deals on hotels and resorts
in Florida anyhow. So, Rob, I think I'm out of
the Guns N' Roses business. Love them, but I'd
rather be at the beach. Yeah, look, I mean, they
wanted to price regular people out. Well, I guess
they did, didn't they? No compete. Can't do it.
Just can't do it. You guys price me out. I accept
it. Not going to go. Yep, you guys got me. All
right, so I see where people are buying things
like the Grinch on the shelf, kind of like Elf
on the Shelf, but only it's a Grinch. Have you
seen those? People are putting them on the shelf.
For a long time it was Elf on the Shelf. Now
it's Grinch on the Shelf. It's kind of like a
big thing now. I hate to take a dump on something,
but there's something like this that's much,
much better. I would love to introduce to you,
Rob, and everyone else, Ozzy on the Shelf. I'm
not kidding. Ozzy on the Shelf. Michael Anthony,
former bassist for Van Halen. Oh, Ozzy on the
Shelf is the coolest thing you could ever do
in your house. Yeah, yeah. So, Michael Anthony,
the forward bassist for Van Halen. Well, she'll
run her cut first, right? Just kidding. Yes,
yes. So, Michael Anthony, you know... Van Halen,
Chicken Foot, and other bands. On his Instagram,
he had an Aussie on the shelf. Now, I can't find
that specific one. but I have found ones kind
of like his Aussie elf. McFarlane Toys has a
couple of options, but it's more of a mini statue,
and it's pretty expensive as well. I think it
might be pewter or something. The one thing I
can get is the new t -shirt offered by the Aussie
camp. This is a direct reply to that idiot Roger
Waters from Pink Floyd's comments that pretty
much took a shit on Aussie's legacy. Remember
that? Yeah, and then Jack came back and called
him a cunt and all that and said, my dad always
hated you and all that, which was great. The
shirt has Ozzy. I loved it. It was great. The
shirt has Ozzy pissing a rainbow -colored stream
on a replica of the wall by Pink Floyd's album
cover. The caption says, another prick in the
wall. Yeah, and they're selling those shirts.
It's very clever, and it's a smack in Waters'
ugly face by making money while mocking his stupidity.
Yeah, they're making cash off of his stupidity.
He's not making a dime. People are laughing at
him and buying the shirts going, Rogers Waters
is a stupid fuck, and I got this cool shirt.
I mean, it's really brilliant. I mean, when they
came up with that idea, it was brilliant because
that's good. So Topher is getting one, and I
think I will follow. I think we're both going
to have an Aussie pissing on the wall shirt,
and we're probably going to wear it down to the
city market every time we go podcast. Does that
sound good? Okay. How much are they? You know
what? I'll have to look online, but I'll tell
you here in a minute, okay, after I'm done with
this monologue or whatever. When you find out,
let me know. I may order one. Okay. Or maybe...
I may throw in another shirt on your guys' sword.
Okay. All right. We'll talk about that off of
the podcast. I still have your new douchebags
and microphone shirts. Oh, I can't wait to get
that. I love it. The original. Yep. Yeah, in
the real email. I remember the good old days
when me and Topher would just make emails up
when we didn't have one. We'd say at lightghost
.com, at excite .com. All these places don't
exist anymore. Minespring. So, all right. I usually
stay away from McDonald's, but this time I have
to admit, I might just have to run to one of
the stores only because they have a new Grinch
meal. The chicken nuggets are fine. The Big Mac
is okay. But what I'm after is the dill pickle
shaker for your fries. This is dill pickle seasoning
that you shake on your fries, Rob. It's only
available in a Grinch meal. It's called Grinch
salt. Okay. You don't think that's good? Dill
flavored fries. I mean, I... I heard a story
somewhere about that Grinch meal. Mm -hmm. What?
Oh, okay. All right. Well, we can let you get
to that. Well, I don't have the story in front
of me tonight, I don't think, but I got it saved.
It's just the price of it. It ain't worth it.
Well, all I want to do is get some of that Grinch
salt. It's for the name. It's a Grinch. It's
a special thing. You know what? Oh, fuck that.
All right, let me take a look here. I bet you
I can get dill -flavored salt. All right, I got
more, but you know what? Let's go to you, Rob.
Let's hear what you got. Yeah, you do, and you
also have a deer story. Something about a deer
story, Rob, you're wanting to tell? Guess what?
You can buy dill pickle popcorn seasoning. Two
-pack, tangy snack blend with premium dill and
vinegar. It is $14 .99 for two of them on Amazon.
There's a bunch of different dill pickles salts.
Fuck McDonald's. All right. Go ahead, Rob. I'm
sorry. I believe that's when you first introduced
it. Yeah, it was the day we podcasted, but I
did not get around to telling about it. No, you
told me afterwards you forgot to tell. Yeah.
Well, we... I'm living in Wheatland and driving
to Camden, which is... Okay, from Wheatland to
Camden is 39 miles. That's another, like, two
and a half miles to my job. Uh -huh. Mm hmm.
Mm -hmm. Wow. But yeah, this truck clipped this
deer. And it did like two cartwheels of air,
like 10, 12 foot air. Flew 30 foot, landed on
its belly. Oh man. Oh, man. It was a little live,
but it got hooked and brought off. But the funny
thing is, the old boy, Josh Pickup, never hit
the fucking bridge. He just kept on rolling.
That's funny. I followed him all the way through
Bass Creek. Mm -hmm. That's funny. Okay. Yeah.
Okay. You have a bag of garbage, I understand.
Hello? Did you want me to get my concert announcement?
Oh, that's right. Go ahead and go to your concert
announcement. I was going to get to my Lake Erie
news, but you didn't. Oh, no, no, no. No, go
to your Lake Erie news, because I misunderstood.
Yeah. Okay, I misunderstood. You just had to
be there to see that dude. That daredevil, the
flinch, land, take off. Okay, earlier. Yeah,
he flew 30 foot. Okay. Sounds good to me. That's
not bad. Yeah, $149 .50 puts you down below.
Yeah, that's good tickets. Like I was saying,
Guns N' Roses, just to get a halfway decent seat
is over $300. So I'd rather go to that. Yeah,
that's a Black Oak, too. No, no, no, no. It's
a Thunder Ridge, not Black Oak. Oh, Thunder Ridge,
yeah. Well, used to be the same thing. No. No,
they're too different. Anyhow, it doesn't matter.
Yeah, yeah. No, I get it. Actually, Black Oak,
I bet, will be put out of business because of
them. Don't you think? It's too close. I mean,
they're within like 10 miles. No, they had a
bunch of tribute bands last year that I don't
want to drive all the way there to see. yeah
they really didn't have anything much at all
so i mean they're kind of um yeah i think they're
probably going to go under thunder ridge is going
to get all the premium concerts and they're going
to get the stuff that you know that people pay
10 bucks to get into they're not going to make
a lot of money like that so um all right do you
want to take our first break and then come back
with some emails sounds good all right we'll
be right back people often ask How do we cram
so much funny into one little show? Well, it's
simple. We buy funny in bulk on the Internet.
Hey, Mark, you're wanted at the front door. There's
a big bag of funny they need you to sign for.
Okay, thanks a lot. I'll be right there. I'm
still sorting out the funny we got from yesterday.
There's your answer. We buy funny in bulk on
the Internet. As much fun as an electric can
opener to the scrotum, two douchebags and a microphone.
Deep thoughts with Mark. If I were floating in
outer space, if I was to paddle my arms and legs,
would I float faster? I may never know. Slash
was on Eddie Trunk's Trunk Nation the other day.
Eddie asked Slash if they planned on doing any
U .S. dates next year. Slash's reply was, yes,
we are doing a U .S. tour next year as well as
another album. He said they have more than enough
material for a full album. This is great news
for all the Guns N' Roses fans, including myself.
So I made you one letter. Good job. Have you
ever wondered what something is about? Have you
ever looked at something and said, Hey, I wonder
what the origin of that is? Well, so have we.
That's why we give you The Origin Of. This is
the origin of Rob Rad's loincloth. Rob used to
strip in a nightclub called McCock's on the city's
east side. Rob was the only completely new dancer
at the club. The other dancers were jealous of
Rob making all the cash and made him use a loincloth
to dance with. Rob soon had to wear his loincloth
daily. He found out that he could get out of
traffic tickets, sell vinyl siding, and pick
up hotties at the come and go. Rob now wears
his loincloth everywhere except work. Sparks
plus pubic hair equals to bad things. I have
a pet termite I call Clint. Wow, no shit. How
strange. Yeah, I call it Clint Eats Wood. Hey,
look. I think we found land. Oh, my God. I think
we're safe. Oh, no. It's an island of horrible
jokes. Someone took the fifth month out of my
calendar. I'm dismayed. Ms. Gulkenstein was tired
of Mark and Toe for making sport of her. Little
did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein was a
voodoo high priestess when she was younger. She
grew angry and cast a spell on Rob. Changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob, the capuchin monkey, tries to sell
the rest of the capuchin monkeys Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a diamond status Amway
as a capuchin monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Hey, good kid.
No one gives an ounce of shit what you had for
breakfast. Not even the person on the other end.
You look like a mentally slow driv yelling into
thin air all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts you out and blows up your eardrums. What
men consider self -centered dunce. Bonnie constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look
back home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the theme and because you're too busy
looking in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Please
enjoy Brick Shithouse Energy Drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere because of
liability issues. Continue in our quest here
at Two Douchebags and a Microphone to be constantly
funny. Once again, we offer you strange insults
from an alien. You always get it from your computer
when your headphones still attach. All right,
we're two douchebags in microphone, and I just
completely fucked this whole thing up, but I
erased it too soon. Rob said leave it in, and
I was going to, but I already erased it, so you
don't get to hear it. But anyhow, I am Mark here.
Mark, it was. Anyhow, I'm Mark here at the Talk
is Cheap studio in Kansas City. It is a beautiful
RV park. You can look up the RV park online.
I think it's awesome. Yeah, it's fucking good
to me. I mean, actually, I kind of started it
because I kept giving you shit going, hey, the
beautiful Niagara Arm and all this stuff. And
then you just started adding stuff to it. And
it's like, this is perfect. Yeah, and also Rob
has a bunker I Looked at it online. It is a nice
-looking RV park. It really is. All right. I
got some emails Oh Hang on hang on let me pause
Okay, so nobody can get that information because
we paused it and we're sorry. It's very Yes,
you guys cannot have it. So... Alright, my first...
What happened was I just explained exactly where
I live. And now he understands. I do. I gotta
be careful. Yep. Yes. Like you said, there's
a douchebag mobile in your driveway. Yeah, it's
not that hard to figure out. So... All right,
first email. Hey, guys, Mitch and Clint are the
same person. Thought I would let you know. Josh
in Cass County. You know, I think this guy is
correct, this Josh guy. I always wondered that
because when they both emailed, it was within
a couple of minutes of each other. I thought
they either knew each other really well or it
was the same person. There are two different
emails. I checked them all out. But I think he's
using two different emails. I think this Josh
guy is correct because I got to looking at old
emails. And Clint, well, when Clint used to email
and Mitch, it was within a couple of minutes
of each other. So I think this guy is correct,
this Josh guy. Even when Clint was down in Arkansas?
Supposedly. I don't know. Maybe he wasn't. You
haven't checked. um no i i i'm not sure what
episodes those started in so i can't yeah i'm
not gonna listen to like 30 of them just to figure
it out so um i i mean i i mean in the last i
don't know emails that i got um the ones from
before was a different email that i don't have
anymore so i can't get that information so i
have to listen to the shows for it you see what
i mean And I don't know what show they were in,
but I know in the last three months, whenever
I was getting something from Clint, it was a
couple of minutes before or after I got something
from Mitch. So I do think that this Josh guy
is correct. It doesn't matter, though. It's entertaining.
Okay, Josh, let me ask you something. What did
Mitch do to you to bring this out? This is all
he sent me. I don't believe I've ever had Josh
in Cass County email us. I don't think so. I
looked back for a little bit. I didn't have all
day. I only had a couple of minutes, and I couldn't
find anything from him. So I think he's a new
emailer. Could this be, yeah, this is somebody
that's in with him that knows him. Either that
or it's someone, maybe Mitch said, hey, screw
with him or something. I don't know. Who knows?
Oh, I sent him a reply. I'm like, dude, make
yourself known. We want to hear a little bit
more about you. You sound interesting. Okay,
this is getting even better then. All right.
That would all be Cass County. Hmm. All right.
Okay. All right. Next one. Mark, I forgot all
about crotch. The old St. Prick. You brought
him back. Love it. Wilson in St. Pete. Uh, yeah,
I got a brand new one. Actually, I got a brand
new one. And let me tell you this. If you thought
the other ones were rough, this one is the worst.
It's horrible. This one is terrible. I mean,
even worse than cooking the little girl's hamster
and eating it in a stew. This one's worse than
that, dude. I fucking went all out. I was in
an evil mood. This one's horrible. It makes you
cringe. All right. I'm glad you like it, Wilson.
Thank you. And I've got, like I said, I got a
new one, and I'm working on another new one because,
I mean, we were doing the same three, wasn't
it, for a couple of years now? Yeah, so it's
time to bring a couple new ones in. All right.
Mark, I like your new segment, Strange Phobias.
I believe you were wanting feedback. Ronnie in
Tulsa. Ronnie, thank you. If you like it, I'm
on the right track. Wouldn't you agree? Yes.
Thank you, Ronnie. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Ronnie's
doing well. He's got a little plan, and he thinks
it's going to work. Well, Ronnie's degree doesn't
match what he does. So he's got to kind of be
careful on getting into this in the same field
without really giving away too much. So he's,
but he's got a little plan and he thinks it's
going to work. So, you know, Ronnie, and he's
going to keep in touch. He can't email as much
as he used to, but he will. So yeah, it is good
to hear from him. All right, next one. Mark,
does Wilmington, Delaware have a good Reuben
sandwich and where, please? Tony Z in North Carolina.
I've been through there a couple of times, courtesy
I -95. I only stopped at like an Exxon station
or something like that or a Shell station to
get fuel. I have no idea. I've never stopped
in Wilmington, Delaware. I always fly. Whenever
I was doing work around there, I would fly into
Philadelphia International. Wilmington, Delaware
is actually a suburb of Philadelphia. People
don't know it. Okay. And I never stopped. Oh,
you know what? You're right. Yeah, I don't know.
I've never had a Reuben or anything. I just got
gas in Wilmington one time, and that was it.
So I wish I could help you on that, but I don't
have any information at all. So, hey guys, could
you have Topher answer this one on one of the
shows? Where is a good online outlet to buy a
decent guitar? Jackson in Port Richey. And tomorrow
when we're doing the sports bastards and the
music creeps, I'll bring that up to him and he
will answer it on that. So Jackson in Port Richey,
which I believe is, I think that's Tampa. Anyhow,
thank you. Thank you, Jackson. Appreciate it.
This one's funny. Rob, have you ever racked yourself
on the bar of a 10 -speed? Jimmy in Iowa. What
the fuck? Do I know you? I don't know Jimmy in
Iowa. Do you know any Jimmys in Iowa? He's a
new emailer, by the way. Oh, okay. Oh, shit.
He must know you. He must know you because it
sounds like you got a story about this. No, he
asked you, not me. He asked you specifically.
Uh -huh. Oh, yeah, I remember those. I hated
those. Mm -hmm. Yeah. Well, I'm going specifically,
he asked you specifically. I mean, why would
he ask you specifically? I think he knows you.
Yeah. He asked you specifically. Okay. Anyhow,
hopefully he makes himself known. Give us more.
Yep, just like Josh in Cass County. All right.
Mark and Rob, quick help. How did they write?
Mark and Rob, quick help. Okay. I need a good
baked lasagna recipe. I'm having an important
guest over. Thanks. Bill in Toronto. From Walmart
Frozen. Yeah. Yeah. Stouffer's. Stouffer's. Yeah.
Okay. Easy. Yeah. Very quick. Bill, I got really
good at Italian cooking. I learned a lot about
it. I'm very interested in it. I love Italian
cooking, and I love Italian food. I can tell
you a couple of pointers without getting really
boring with a recipe. I'm just joking. No, yeah,
it's fun. Okay, noodles, you soak them in the
lemon juice, whether lasagna noodles, ziti, doesn't
matter, whatever it is. Soak them in lemon juice.
And before you cook them. It makes all the difference
in the whole world on the flavor. Throw in a
little oregano on top of them after you drain
the water out. Shake it up really good. And add
some cracked pepper in that too. Let's see. Make
a thick gravy with flour, milk, and butter. The
gravy goes in between the pasta sauce in between
the layers of lasagna. Where you have cheese
and you have meat. Then you have sauce. The gravy
goes in between the sauce and then the next noodles.
Believe me, that's the way they do it in the
country of Italy, in a lot of places. I'm not
sure if it's a northern or southern thing. Cook
garlic directly into the ground beef when you're
cooking it, if you do meat lasagna. And select
a really good pasta sauce. I like a tangier,
semi -sweet one that has a good tomato taste.
Do whatever you like. And other than that, I
don't really have anything else to you. I mean,
besides Stouffer's. Okay. Oh, a wooden spoon.
If you make your own sauce, use a wooden spoon.
A metal spoon gives it. Yeah. Yes, it gives it
a different flavor. If you use a metal spoon,
it actually gives it a kind of a bitter taste
from the metal. You want to use a wooden spoon
for real, no joke. Well, actually, everything
I just gave you is true, like the soak in the
noodles and the gravy and all that. I'm serious.
It's a good lasagna recipe, or you can always
just go online and find great recipes. So anyhow,
Rob, let's turn it to you. You have some stuff.
All right. Guess what time it is. The greatest
segment ever, ever in the history. Oh, shit.
This was the wrong one. That's all right. We're
ready. We're ready. Alive but unable to move
or speak, suffering for days before being mistakenly
buried alive. Mm -hmm. That was weird. Wow. That
was a weird one. Okay. That is interesting how
they probably... I mean, it's cool how he had
been dead. Yeah. But alive. But alive, yeah.
It is a rare brain disorder, they thought. Yeah,
yeah, yep. Yeah. Okay. A -R -E with a slash.
I'm somewhat familiar with that, yeah. Okay,
wow. Yeah. Okay. So they're thinking he had that.
Okay, probably did. Oh ho ho! She's going to
need that $10 million in legal fees. Mm -hmm.
What did that? Holy shit. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Okay.
All right. And guess what? I have a third one
tonight. Are you ready? Okay. Okay. Thank you,
Rob. I know stuff like that. All right. Let's
take our second break and we'll come right back
with more stuff. Thank you, Rob. That was a great
bag of garbage. We appreciate it. All right.
We'll be right back. Strange, but true. In 1903,
two unrelated men named Will and William West,
identical in appearance, were both sent to Leavenworth
Prison, causing confusion. This led to the adoption
of fingerprint identification. Next up, things
overheard in hell. Hurry up. Kim Jong -un is
playing Santa at the mall again this year. Yay!
That's right. Yesterday's technology, today.
It's not radio. It's podcast. Your mama's so
fat, she uses Google Earth to take a selfie.
This is Joshua Belmont, your super thought man
on the hustle. Today, we would like to celebrate
Mr. Timothy J. Brottux, who is credited for the
invention of... two -ply toilet paper. Because
of you, Timmy, we no longer have to spend ten
minutes scrubbing our fingernails after every
dump. Mr. Bratox, you are a true hero. Hey, my
fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash Riptide,
your music news. Megadeth has announced a final
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and May 2026, with more dates to be announced
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has been released, tickets for the initial dates
are available, and there is also an announced
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and that was your music news. If it's too loud,
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the dawn of time, weird shit has happened. Strange
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Hutchinson -Gilford Progeria Syndrome. Cases
known on Earth, 100 to possibly 150. This causes
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while the child's mental capacity stays the same.
There is unknown cure and very little treatment
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time for brand new feature news nobody gives
a shit about. An 80 -year -old Bulgarian man
has the record for the longest nose hair ever
at three feet. We are two douchebags and microphone.
I am in Kansas City at the talk is cheap studio
and my name is Mark Thank you, Rob. I screwed
up the first intro coming back, and then you
did the second one, only I took mine out. I'm
sorry. Yours is staying because it's gone now.
Okay. I've got an interesting story. Royal Caribbean.
Yeah, believe me. Everybody's laughing with you,
not at you. Royal Caribbean is accused of stuffing
a dead passenger in a refrigerator. Did you hear
that? Did you see that? Did you see that story?
No, I did not see that. Yeah. Royal Caribbean
is under fire for its handling of passenger Michael
Virgil, who died on board after being served
33 drinks at one of the Navigator of the Seas
bars in December 2024. per a wrongful deaths
lawsuit filed by his family. Now the family's
lawyer is accusing Cruise Liner employees of
stuffing the 35 -year -old California father's
body in a refrigerator before continuing on their
voyage, ignoring pleas from his fiancee, Connie
Aguiar, and returned to the port in Long Beach,
California, so they could deal with the death
of a loved one. There's also a lot of questions
of why they would serve somebody 33 drinks. And
when they're obviously that hammered, he was
so hammered, the reports were, if they're true,
is he was running around smashing in people's
doors and yelling at them and screaming. So he
was like out of control before he died, allegedly.
But this whole thing is stuffing them in a refrigerator.
Don't they have a morgue there? I mean. The ships
have to. People die all the time on ships. That
would be it. It would be a morgue. Yeah, but...
How many refrigerators they got? Why would they
stuff in the refrigerator is what I'm asking
if they have a morgue. That's what I'm saying.
Why wouldn't the refrigerator be the morgue?
Hmm. I don't know. How many refrigerators they
got on this ship? Well, this is going to all
come out in the court proceedings if they don't
settle out of court. And actually, this article
goes on to say that all ships are outfitted with
hidden morgues for the deceased that are off
-limits to regular passengers. Oh, I've known
this for a long time, that they do that, because
we actually saw a guy. This is actually Royal
Caribbean on Oasis of the Seas. A guy went down
with a heart attack. Yeah, it was at an 80s party.
He was dancing a little too much. His heart didn't
like it. So I'm pretty sure. Yes, he was. And
then they came out and got him. And then I asked
one of the employees later on that I was close
with because, you know, I was giving him good
tips and stuff. I go, hey, I go, what do they
do with dead bodies? He goes, we got a morgue
down there. I was like, no shit. He goes, yeah.
And he said what floor it was on. It was like
floor minus one or something. I mean, I guess
there's a below. Yeah, yeah. Like at the very
bottom, there's a morgue is what he was saying.
So I thought pretty interesting. Yeah. And then
that was that was one hell of a cruise because
another person shattered their ankle ice skating.
And they had to turn around. I mean, they were
close to the Dominican Republic, but we weren't
going there on the cruise. We were going to the
Virgin Islands. So they had to take a pit stop
to the Dominican Republic so they could fly her
to a specialist in Miami. And that whole cruise
was like marred with people getting hurt, people
dying and stuff. It was crazy. Um, let me think
here. I think it would probably have been March.
It was in March. Why is that? Yeah. Well, um,
yeah, it's, it's indoors. It's in, it's indoors.
And it was, it was on the second floor. No, no.
No, no, no. It's indoors. It's an indoor ice
rink on Oasis of the Seas. Well, it's just another
attraction to bring you on the boat. You know,
I mean, people go, hey, you can even ice skate.
They had a flow rider. They had zip lines. They
had a levitating bar. No kidding. You got in
this bar and it took you up in the air while
you were drinking. It had a replica of Central
Park. Not all of it, but part of it. They have
a real waterfall and real trees on that. That
ship was immaculate. My only problem was is with
a three -day itinerary and seven days on that
boat, you didn't have enough time to see the
boat. It was so huge. I mean, you got to see
some of it, but not a lot of it. Yes. Just look
it up when you get a chance. Oasis of the Seas.
Yeah. So, Icon of the Seas. I mean, they're all
huge. So, anyhow, Rob, let's turn it to you.
Okay. You know, last week I talked about my buddy,
the Raccoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the drunk. Yeah.
Yeah, I love him. Well, guess what? He's back
in the news. All right, Rocky. He is now believed
that the alcoholic animal also broke into a nearby
karate studio and then ran to the Department
of Motor Vehicles for stacks. So, lastly, this
is the third break -in he's had, said Officer
Samantha Barney. He's an ornery little bastard.
Go ahead. I love him. I am too. Yeah. Okay, yes,
they are very smart Uh -huh. Maybe a mile out.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm really liking this guy. I'm really
liking him. I can't wait for my buddy. That's
fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, ever since you introduced
that story to us, I've been keeping track of
him. That's pretty cool. I love it. Love it.
Yes. Trash Panda is the best. You know what?
You're right. Yes. Yep. Well, I mean... Raccoons
have been called trash pandas for a while now.
Oh, no, no, no. It's not even about getting trashed.
They call them a trash panda because they're
scavengers. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And they're
lovable. They look kind of like pandas. So, okay.
All righty. It is 917. You're the one that's
got to get up early in the morning. I'm off tomorrow.
So do you want to keep this going or do you want
to end this? I do have one more. Okay, go ahead.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You reported on that.
Uh -huh. Oh, well. You know what? That's all
right. You described it very well. Oh, I see.
You're still building a bridge to it. Okay. Yeah,
yeah, I remember that. You reported that last
week, didn't you? Yeah, I did. But... Okay. I
guess we'll fix it after. Okay. Well, what happened
was... I'll give it a breakdown. Okay. Okay.
A satanic church reached out to him about the
concert. The satanic church made a comment about
it. Oh, made a comment. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Mm
-hmm. Mm -hmm. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, they used
AI to do the imagery back behind. There was a
lot of help. I'll tell you what, I'll get into
this in a second after I finish this. Oh yeah.
Yep. Uh huh. after correctly stating that the
EDV is being attacked for no reason on the basis
of the satanic satanism at least even by reflecting
on just how ridiculous it is that people are
being scared of a safe depiction of hell a skeleton
and a couple of demons Okay. Wow. It's like Ghost
Wreck, but maybe Ghost Wreck type stuff. Yeah,
no, no, I get it. I never did think it was. I
always thought it was like, you know, a lot of
times they do this shit on purpose because it
gets people. Yeah, it gets people talking about
it. It's a buzz. People go, hey, did you hear
that? Zac Brown was doing satanic rituals. It's
an age -old gimmick that's been going on forever.
And I never did believe it. It just stunk of
the 1980s and all the bands that acted like they
were devil works. It was a show at the Spear.
Uh -huh, yes. In Las Vegas. Yep. I think you're
right. I think it's such a new thing that people
ain't caught on to it. He did because it is time
for music. I don't know. Okay. All right. Well,
thank you, Rob. Appreciate that. But it's to
go with the old outlaw country. But it's new.
Yeah. Outlaw country. But it's dark. Yep. Yes.
Oh, all right. Well, thank you, Rob. We appreciate
that. All right. I think I'm about done. Are
you? Yeah, I'm done. All right. Thank you very
much. I'm glad you did a follow -up to that because
I thought that that was – I think it explains
it a little bit better, you know. Yeah, they're
like, hey, don't give this guy any credit here.
He's not one of us. He's not one of us. Yeah,
he's like, no, no, no, nope. Imagine how Zach
Brown felt. The Satanists didn't even want me.
What the hell? The Satanists were no thank you.
Give him back to the genie. Yeah, give him back
to the genie. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Nope, nope, nope.
I'm over 10. You didn't say that. All right,
Rob. Thank you, man. All right, everybody. Thank
you for joining us. Everybody have a good night.
Good night, assholes. Good night, assholes. Oh,
no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has
explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.