Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
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download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Oh, Lord. That man just sawed
a puppy in half. Hey there. Don't worry. I have
a clown nose. Oh, no! That drunk guy just hit
my child! It is okay. I have a clown nose. Clown
nose. Just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office? Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam! Everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at keg stores online and
pedophile conventions. Grab one today and make
magic happen. Sir, I see your qualifications
here. May I ask some further questions that could
help me determine your employment eligibility?
Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here,
we have a large population of different ethnic
backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are you by
chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure why
you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. Hey, you yankers. We often think
many things are just true because we've heard
it our whole lives. That's why here at Two Douchebags
and Microphone, we developed the segment, Not
True. We investigate and uncover the real truth
of what happened. Common thought for years was
that if someone was to throw a penny off the
Empire State Building and it was to hit somebody,
it would kill them. The fact is, dropped pennies
from the Empire State Building will not kill
a person. It would leave an incredibly painful
red mark, but should not kill you. This is Joshua
Belmont, your food for thought man on the hustle.
So I just realized a genius that gets absolutely
no credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is
credited with the first bag of salad mix that
was bagged and sold. Yesterday was his birthday.
I believe he is still alive. This guy's genius
will never be fully appreciated. Before this
man... We settled for iceberg lettuce with maybe
a couple of croutons and some cheese. Was Mr.
Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no. He realized
that Billy Americana would never go out and buy
a couple of radishes, a couple of carrots, a
head of purple cabbage, maybe snow peas, and
possibly some cute romaine lettuce for extra
bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have a national
holiday. And now we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy. Excuse me,
sir. Could you please be a good gentleman and
pass the malt acetic acid my way? Do you mean
the malt vinegar? Why, yes. Yes, I do mean the
malt vinegar. Then just say the malt vinegar,
you dumb buck. Yes, it's true. Mark is an old
bastard. It's also true that Mark uses a lot
of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell you,
if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen...
It's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. Your mama's so
stupid, she tried to climb Mountain Dew. Ms.
Gulkenstein was tired of Mark and Toe for making
sport of her. Little did the douchebags know,
Ms. Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess when
she was younger. She grew angry and cast a spell
on Rob, changing Rob into a capuchin monkey.
Mark took Rob to a local zoo so he could be with
the other monkeys. Here are the adventures of
Rob, the capuchin monkey. Shh, be very quiet.
We're going to listen in as Rob, the capuchin
monkey, tries to sell the rest of the capuchin
monkeys Amway. Rob has always dreamed of becoming
a diamond status Amway as a capuchin monkey.
Little did our hero Rob know. All the great apes
owned stock in Sam's Club and became violently
pissed off when he tried to infringe on their
territory. They promptly grabbed switches and
beat his ass for three days straight. Rob could
not sit down. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob in Wheatland,
Missouri, home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway
and the beautiful Wheatland RV Park. It's beautiful.
It's beautiful now. I like that. You added to
it a little bit. Each time you're adding just
a little bit more. Well, actually, I need to
check on the name. Harvey Parker. I think it's
Harvey Parker. You know what? Nobody knows. You
can call it anything. You can call it fucking...
Oh, no, no. Well, I don't want to give my location
away because it's easy enough to find the truck.
You have the douchebag mobile? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
If you're like me, you're afraid people are going
to fucking tomato you or some shit, egg you,
something. Oh, okay. Oh, I bet. Yep. Yeah. Yeah,
there's a lot of raceways that have an RV park
right there on the grounds. So, it makes sense.
Well, I know there's about a block and a half
of it. Okay, that's close enough. Just saying.
Yeah, I mean, you know, they could always have
a golf cart if they didn't feel like walking
it, right? Right, right, right. So, all right.
Well, I want to start off with this. There's
this coffee shop that I go to on my way to work.
I won't mention the name. It's a great place.
I love it. They have good coffee. Really good
place. It has to have the dumbest clientele.
And I'll explain. I'm in there awaiting my ice
latte, and I had to use the bathroom. I immediately
see a couple of signs in the crapper. What now?
Yeah, oh yeah, hell yeah, yeah. I was like going,
I gotta go now, not later, not two minutes from
now, not ten minutes from now, right now. So
I ran there, the crapper's right there, so I
ran in there. I had to piss really bad because
that's what happens when older people have a
lot of coffee, right? Or a diuretic like that,
right? Yeah, any liquid really, but coffee does
not help the cause. Yeah, yeah, and something
about your prostate is like flipping you off,
going, nah, nah, I'm not holding anything. You
get in there and you take your piss like I said
you have to. So it's just the way it is. Well,
the problem is I've had my test and I'm good.
No, I have too, and I was just told that it's
just the way it is. They're not really an explanation.
It's just what you're, here's what a doctor told
me. Be glad you're old enough that you have to
piss all the time. Yeah, I'm like, well, it's
a pain in the ass, but I guess it's better than
not being here. Okay, but it has to have the
dumbest clientele. I'm in there waiting for my
iced latte, like I said, and I have to use the
bathroom. I have to drink iced coffee. Listen,
someone's going to go, oh, he's bougie. I have
to drink cold coffee because my GERD will not
allow me hot coffee anymore. It kills my stomach.
Is it? Yeah, hot coffee just messes with me.
Yeah, it's GERD. I've had to give it up. Yep,
well, I am trying not to give it up because I
really need it to wake up and get functioning
a little bit better, you know, a little bit more
alert. But the problem is, hot coffee I can't
do, but I found some cold coffee lattes, like
the Starbucks vanilla latte that comes in a jug,
and some of the other stuff too. And it's really,
it's decent coffee. It tastes okay. And I don't
always want to have to run to a coffee shop on
the way to work, right? So it's like... I get
you. I get you. Yeah, and also it's a lot of
money, too. I mean, so it's not like that shit's
cheap. Yeah, you can't make a pot at the house,
you know? No, you're right. So, you know, I go
to use the bathroom, right? I immediately see
a couple of signs in the crapper. The first sign
says, leave light on when you leave. And then
the second sign said, make sure the door isn't
locked when you close the door. So I'm like,
okay, well, okay. I guess maybe they get people
that like leave the light off and someone older
could probably walk in there and fucking trip
or something and crack their head on the crapper
or something or the sink. So I get that. And
then the door being locked would really suck.
You know, you try to use the bathroom. It's like,
well, nobody's in there. I've been knocking.
Yeah, so I get both of those. So I'm going to
the lobby to get my coffee and bail to work.
When I see yet another sign that reads, please
watch the floor mat when exiting the building.
So I'm seeing a pattern here. I'm like, here's
three signs warning people of what they should
know already. So when I get out the door, on
the way out, it had another sign that says, please
don't park bikes next to the doorway. That's
four signs that should be common sense. They
must have the dumbest customers ever. And I love
the place. It's a great place. But, I mean, all
those, isn't that something, all those signs?
It's like, geez. Oh, my God, yeah, yeah. That's
exactly what I was thinking when you were talking
about it. Yeah, they must have had some litigation
or something. Dumbest people around. Yeah, I'm
like, geez, they had to explain all this and
spell it out to them. I'm like, gosh. Oh, my
God, dude. Oh, it's bad. It's bad. We already
know how he has a job. He's dangerous to himself,
but it's that way. Yeah. Oh, no, he... Uh -huh.
Trying to maneuver it into my saw was a trick
by itself. I bet it is, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I
told him that my little saw is just on the other
side where it's coming down. Uh -huh. So I tell
him to back off and stay there. Mm -hmm. Yeah,
got it. This stupid son of a bitch walked up
and was standing right underneath that bundle
of steel. Oh my gosh. That is stupid as hell.
He's dangerous to himself. You know, in the olden
days, that was just called natural selection.
He's the kind of guy that would walk in front
of a rhino. Yes. And if it comes off there, it
comes down on his head, breaks his neck, kills
him, and I've got to live with respite. Because
he's a stupid ass. I'm glad you did. Good. Yeah,
sorry about that. So, okay, well, I mean, I guess
there's stupid people everywhere, so, all right.
Yeah, there is. Well, yeah, obviously. So, White
Castle is letting customers know in Cincinnati,
Louisville, and New Jersey, they're letting them
decide what item will be their new permanent
menu item. They're testing a cheddar smoked slider
with sausage. Oh, that, I could go on board with
that, a cheddar smoked sausage. slider that sounds
good to me what do you yeah that sounds really
good and then they are also testing pretzel nibblers
whatever the hell they are i guess they're like
little pieces of pretzels or something they probably
have some sort of a twist like cheese in them
or something i haven't looked it up so the new
item added will be determined through sales in
those three regions so um so from one retailer
well kind of one food chain to a retailer Customers
were furious over the Target swag bag they were
handing out to the first 50 people through the
door on Black Friday. The ingrates received a
deck of Uno cards, a small bag of gummy clusters,
travel -sized beauty products, elf lip oil, and
gem shampoo, LMNT electrolyte drink mix packets,
three occasional extras in some bags, a Target
greeting card, a sticker, or a mini keychain.
all in an iridescent holographic tote bag. Now,
okay, let's say you don't like any of that other
stuff, right? You don't like the beauty products
or nothing like that. Yeah, I don't have a clue
what any of that is. Okay, but the iridescent
holographic tote bag sounds fucking phenomenal,
doesn't it? And the stickers. Yeah, and the stickers,
too. And then get this. And people are bitching.
Oh, that'd be nice. That'd be nice. Yeah. Target.
Go for it. No, that's cool. There were a few
golden ticket bags as well. They contained a
Ninja Slushie machine, which is kick -ass. Take
a look at it. The Ninja Slushie machine. Okay.
Beats headphones and a $100 Target gift card
and a free year of Target 360, whatever that
is. And then finally, they had Lathan. Hair dryers?
Or, get this, Dyson hair tools. Okay, I said
Dyson, right? The vacuum people, right? Dyson
hair tools. Rob, would you trust a vacuum people,
Dyson, for your hair equipment? I'm not saying
anything about Dyson, but you're talking about
a vacuum company making hair equipment. Listen,
I... Yeah, I've bought many fine things from
Dyson. Don't have a problem with them. But, Going
to a hair, some sort of a hair tool. Yeah, yeah,
exactly. I don't need to get ripped out. You
know, I could be wrong, but man, it really sounds
suspect to me. A vacuum maker that started making
hair tools. Oh, yeah. My whole family gives me
shit about my bald spots. Oh, do you have one?
I don't have one. I am extremely lucky. I've
got a thick, full head of hair. And it's not
really thinning out. So I thank God for that.
Well, what was the difference? The difference?
I wore a hat. You did not. Oh, that's right.
I've never liked hats. So I guess I'm lucky on
that. I always did. I can't stand something on
my head. I just, I've never liked it. So, I don't
know. Well, I mean, you know, I just never could
get used to it. I used to try to wear a ball
cap. Eh, I guess. So I use sunglasses, but I
could see that. Yeah, I could see that too, but
I just... I don't even like headbands on my head.
I just don't like it. So, yeah, whatever it is,
that's just the way it is. So, okay, so back
to Target. One person wrote on social media,
you mean to tell me that Target couldn't afford
a thick throw blanket, a gift card, a spa product,
or maybe some fuzzy slippers and a swag bag?
Another selfish ass... Well, Target didn't have
to give anything out for free at all, is the
way I'm looking at it. I think these people are
a bunch of ingrates. I mean, really. You know,
they already had Black Friday specials. They
already had stuff that was cheaper. And they
chose not to have the animals come crash the
fucking building and about kill everybody. They
decided to give out civilly grab bags. You come
in, you're one of the first 50, you give them
one, and you don't trample anyone to death trying
to get a fucking luggage set that's on sale for
30 bucks. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, and
these people are bitching. I'm thinking you got
some stuff for free. You probably got a $200
swag bag with that kick -ass tote, that holographic
iridescent. Yeah, to me, I think that's just
stupid. Another selfish asshole wrote on X, a
billion dollar company just showed the world
what they really think of us. Just trash. The
gift was EBT. Then give the fucking gift back,
you selfish asshole. Go in there and go, you
know what, I don't like this. No, they're not
going to give it back. They're going to keep
it and they're going to bitch. So, you know,
in my opinion... Well, if you want to be honest,
everybody's lucky we get black Friday deals.
You know, I'm in the opinion of these customers
are way too spoiled. You know, they were not
promised anything in particular. The swag bag
was a giveaway. I think if you wait in line for
hours, that's on you, and scratch that as a lesson
down, and that'll learn your file, right? Pretty
much? Don't you put that in the ladder, that'll
learn your file? So you don't wait for five hours
expecting $1 ,000 worth of merchandise. You know,
you wait in line for five hours in freezing cold,
and that's what you get? Well, that's what you
get, because nobody said what you were going
to get. Yeah, kind of like we did it for concerts
back in the day. Oh, shit. Oh, God, I never want
to believe. I'll tell you what, though. Sometimes
it was a great way to meet people, wasn't it?
You'd be waiting in line. Oh, it was. It was.
It was. Yeah, people behind you would be like
going, yeah, I remember seeing Rush back in 1997.
Oh, yeah, were you there at Kemper Arena? Yeah,
I was third row. Oh, I was fourth row. Remember
when Geddy Lee scratched his nuts? Oh, yeah,
gosh. You know, it was a great way to meet cool
people. I met a lot of cool people in line. That
was back when we had to call our parents' phone
on a landline. So, you know, a lot of times you
didn't reconnect. Nowadays, it'd be like, oh,
I got your cell number. Okay, I'll call you later
this afternoon, man. Let's, you know, I don't
know, go practice some guitar or something. It's
completely different now. But back then. keeping
in touch with somebody was much harder to do,
wasn't it? Oh, definitely. That's why the payphones
came in. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. They totally knew
her story and listened to some of the old ones.
We're not going to go into it. Every now and
then I throw that one in there, the good old
payphone story. Yes, yes. Oh, man. I'll tell
you what. Dave would work them over with just
sheer fucking brilliance. He had this one guy
so mad. telling him his fucking cows got loose
and fucking killed his sheep or some shit. No,
no, yeah, was it a cow? No, no, no. Yeah, yeah,
it was something like that. One of his livestock
killed one of his livestock, supposedly, right?
And he was bitching, I'm going to come over there,
I'm going to grab that fucking dead sheep and
I'm going to shove him up your ass. I'm going
to do it in front of your family and I'm going
to smack the stupid out of you and it's going
to take all fucking day because you're pretty
fucking stupid. This guy was getting so mad.
I don't have no fucking sheep, you bastard. I
don't have no fucking farm. And Dave's over there
going, I don't have no farm. I don't have no
farm. Oh, my God. And then the White House behind
Quick Trip. I had that guy so mad. Oh, my God.
Everybody wanted to know where I was when I started
fucking giving them shit over the pay phone.
They're like, where are you at? Well, I saw that
White House. I'm like, I guess I'm going to be
there. that's that white house yes that guy probably
got into a couple of fights because of me you
know good thing the internet wasn't around i
didn't want to know if i had somebody killed
accidentally i'm glad the internet wasn't around
back then you know you had to go get one of those
No, me neither. I think whoever went there, somebody
wasn't home. It was during the day. They were
probably at work, like most sensible people.
Yeah, so, anyhow. Until that one time Danielle
caught me, and then I stopped altogether. I remember
we got bored with it because, you know, people
just got to where they just start going, ah,
fuck off, and hanging up instead of arguing with
us. I mean, I don't know if the word got out,
like they're going, hey, watch that phone right
there. If someone calls, just hang up on them.
Yeah, I don't know if the word got out or what,
but they just started hanging up on us and just
saying, fuck off, right? So it wasn't any fun
anymore. A couple months later, I go back to
it. Oh, a couple months, I go back to it, and
Chick answers the phone. I'm starting to get
stupid on her, going, hey, hey, what are you
wearing? Or something like that, trying to be
an asshole, right? She goes, Mark, Mark Wallace.
I'm like, what? What? Who's this, Danielle? Oh,
fuck. Did you know you're calling a payphone?
Long story. Okay, is that the same Danielle that
does my ex? Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Yep. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. That's sad. That's sad. Yeah, hang on.
Let me pause this because I want to make sure
I'm correct on this. Okay, hang on. Okay, hey,
while we were discussing stuff behind the scenes.
Rob's got a story for you, which I think is fucking
very intriguing. So please go ahead, Rob. I would
not know what is going on in my son's life if
it wasn't for her. So, I mean, you know, bygones
are bygones. You know what I mean? And you know
exactly who I'm talking about, so you know. Hang
on one second. I'm going to pause this. Okay,
I'm going to pause this for one second again
because I don't want to mention any names on
here. All right, now that we're done with all
this other stuff, you know what? We're playing
Connect the Dots, and we're as surprised as anybody
with the dots that connected just now. So anyhow,
hey, Rob, you got something you want to? All
right, Rob, I turned it. Well, the only sad thing
is nobody else knows what we're talking about.
Well, you know. Unless you were there. Yeah.
Unless you were there. I'm not speaking of her
name for a reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I don't want anything to do with her ever again.
She's insane. I do. But she was friends. She
was good friends with your ex, and I just now
remembered. But, yeah, yeah, but she was insane.
So, anyhow. All right, Rob, we turn it to you.
Okay, well, I'm going to go into a Rob story.
How's that? Sure. Oh, shit. Did he mention who
the opening band is going to be? Did he mention
who the opening band is? Okay, well, I'm not
going into the whole story then. Sorry, Topher.
Yeah. I guess that's how you say it. Close enough.
Okay. Fans will get a chance to see it perform
through June 6th with their final stop in Boston.
Tickets are going on presale on December 10th.
More calls the decision for a reunion serendipity
and a result of the changes currently happening
in the world. They felt it was time to listen
to their fans who want to hear their songs again.
I'm going to go out there, and we're going to
light it up absolutely the best way we know how.
If they're worried about their performance, I'd
turn them to Motley Crue and watch one of their
performances any time in the last 10 years, and
they'll be fine with what they do because it's
going to be 10 times better performing -wise.
Wouldn't you say? Okay, here we go. Drum roll.
For the reading tour, Evan Moore Levine will
be joined by Bill X, along with bassist, vocalist
Todd Curbs, and drummer Brent Fitz. Wow. No,
get ready. No, no, no, go ahead. Okay. The tour
will also include special guest April Wine. Oh,
oh, oh, oh. That, I've got to see their tour
now and where they're playing. I've got to catch
up with this. Swipe and April Wine. Oh, my God.
So not only the three original members, the three.
We do. You mentioned the three original members,
which I was great with, and I was like, I was
going to go see them on that merit about what
you just said, you know. But now that April Wine,
that just, that sends it over the top. Because
you and I were huge April Wine fans. Oh, my God.
We got to find a close exchange. Oh, we do. And
not... Boston's a fun city. I've been there a
few times, but I don't wish to fly there to go
see it. Okay, the dates, they start in Ontario
and end up in Boston. Okay, we'll have to check
out tour dates. I'll check them out. I wish they'd
come to Thunder Ridge. Oh, gosh, would that not
be cooler than fuck? Oh, dude. Oh, dude. I'll
buy the tickets. right you're right yep yep i
agree um um i i think we should go all right
we'll have to look them up so yeah for us old
people um yeah so all right uh let's take our
first break i'm gonna come back with some emails
we got a we got a couple interesting ones Because
a couple of different people emailed because
this is twodouchesatmail .com, twodouchesatmail
.com. Yes. Write it down. Fucking stick it on
sticky notes. Punch someone in the face and keep
hitting them and make sure that they recite it.
And then when they recite it, you don't hit them
anymore. You give them a lollipop or something,
right? Yep. Not really. And I'll remind everybody
on Facebook, which I haven't looked, but we have
a new follower on Facebook. Oh, we do? Could
it be Missy? I don't know. I have not looked.
Okay. Anyhow, that's all right. All right. It's
just that email that she sent I think is funny.
All right. We're going to take our first email.
We're going to take our first break. We're going
to come back with emails and Rob's Bag of Garbage.
Yeah. The best segment in the history of podcasting
and modern radio and also ancient radio. Right?
Eh, we'll see. Okay. All right. We'll be right
back. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm.
A padlock is turning a door into a wall. Yeah.
Two douchebags, a microphone, and an effort to
keep everything fresh. We offer you first world
problems. My new crime series TV show is going
off for at least three months. I can't believe
this. What am I going to do to fill in the time?
Don't these guys think of this? Jam X. What the
hell happened? You were the generation of...
change. You never wanted to be one of them. Apathy
spoke for you. Fuck the man. Fuck the system.
What the hell happened? The generation of angst?
The generation of non -compliance? Is now buying
a boat? You're really fed up to kill someone
who dangled a dollar near you? Great job, Xers.
Everything's ruined. Next up, Things Overheard
in Hell. It moves, everybody. Candy corn has
had a bumper crop. Everybody can have as much
as they want. Yay! Oh, man, what the fuck is
this? Is this a new feature? What's inside Mark's
head? Sounds stupid to me. Why do people say
tuna fish sandwich when nobody says chicken bird
sandwich? Somewhere in the heavens, your great
Grammy Gertrude is crying because her little
Bebo is listening to this film. Next time you
take a dump, listen to two douchebags and a microphone.
It's been proven in laboratory rats to relax
your anal canal. Get in cover. Arambe. used to
listen to our original show, Two Dipshits and
Cheek Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Harambe
does not listen to our original show, Two Dipshits
and a Cheek Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder
anymore. You might ask why Harambe never listens
to our original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheek
Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Well, it's
because Harambe is dead. Senselessly murdered
because some idiot did not watch her child properly
while looking on her phone. Sadly, Arambe does
not listen to our original show, Two Gibshits
and the Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Take Recorder,
or any other show. Anymore. Sorry, Arambe. People
often ask, how do we cram so much money into
one little show? Well, it's simple. We buy funny
in bulk on the internet. Hey, Mark, you're wanted
at the front door. There's a big bag of funny
they need you to sign for. Okay, thanks a lot.
I'll be right there. I'm still sorting out the
funny we got from yesterday. There's your answer.
We buy funny in bulk on the Internet. Hey, if
you're a fan of paying way too much for trinkets
and food, well, your wish is coming true. Kansas
City International Airport Guest Pass program
is starting today. Yes, you too could overspend
on workless trinkets and $15 cups of coffee.
You want to buy a $50 cheap T -shirt that has
KC Western Auto Building image on it? We got
you covered. Want a barbecue sauce gift pack?
No problem. Just a mere 40 bucks and you're first
born. Hurry. You know rubes are jumping all over
to get to this complete ripoff. Because people
are sheep. I have a pet termite I call Clint.
Wow, no shit. How strange. Yeah, I call it Clint
Eats Wood. Hey, my fellow heavy breeders. This
is Dash Riptide. Your music news. Megadeth has
announced a final album and a 2026 global farewell
tour. To conclude their career after 40 years,
the first wave of tour dates for a Latin American
leg in April and May 2026, with more dates to
be announced for the worldwide tour. While the
full tour schedule has been released, tickets
for the initial dates are available, and there
is also an announced performance with Iron Maiden
Concert in Harrison, New Jersey. in September
2026. This is Gash Riptine, and that was your
music news. If it's too loud, you probably have
ear damage, just like me. Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. There's a small island
in the South Pacific where people actually talk
with eye movements. This is Two Douchebags and
a Microphone Podcast. I am Mark here at the Talk
is Cheap studio in the Kansas City area, the
extreme southern tip of... Go ahead. Oh, my God.
Dude, that's worse. And I am Rob from Wheatland,
Missouri, home of the magnificent Lucas Hall
Speedway and Boat Track and home of the beautiful
Wheatland RV Park and the Doug Blind Studio.
Wham, wham. Nice. Every time it changes just
a little. Every time it changes just a little,
and I love it. I don't know what kind of spice
you're going to throw on it. It's great. It's
good. It's good. All right. First one. Mark is
a boring idiot that thinks he's entertaining.
Please get run over, dickhead. John in Bellevue.
John, I mean. Like I said, hate emails goes to
the front. Okay. But here's my response to John.
This letter that you sent me was so eloquent
and so massively descriptive and to the point
and precise, I don't know how to answer it at
all. I mean, it's just baffling. John in Bellevue
is obviously, obviously a genius, and I can't
compete with that. So, John, I guess I'm just
going to go get run over. I mean, yeah. I mean,
you leave me no alternative. I'm sitting here
in shame over that email. I don't know what to
do. Rob, what do I do? I don't know. I can't
run. I can't hide. It's already been said. Wipe
your tears. You know what? That's what I'm going
to do. I'm just going to keep going, and I'm
going to ignore John and Bellevue. And please,
John, if nothing else, listen for a minute before
you hang up. Okay? That way we get your credit
on your stupid ass. That's all I care about.
Not you, not your family, not your mom, not your
dog, nothing. The only thing I care about is
you listening to us for a minute. Other than
that, you can go fuck yourself. Alrighty. Next
one. Rob, what kind of iced tea do you drink?
Tessa in Jersey City. Mm -hmm. And boil them
and add bone sugar. Rob stirs the tea with his...
A lot of people like it. It's very popular. Yeah.
I prefer my own. But when I boil my own, it's
the black tea. Not the orange Keogh or whatever.
Orange Pico. Yeah, whatever. I got you. I would
like to clarify that Rob stirs the tea with his
penis. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. It gives it
a special flavor, and he's long enough to where
he can reach the bottom and get the sugar, right,
and stir that. Yep. Yeah, so there you go. All
right. This one's weird, this email. I don't
know why they want to know this information,
but hey. Were you two Limp Bizkit fans ever?
Josh in Chicago. I have to admit, at first, I
liked them, but their music is very dated. It
didn't hold up very well. And Fred Durst, the
more he got popular, the more of a dickhead he
became. Exactly, yeah. Fred Durst ruined himself.
Yeah, and the music is so outdated anyhow. I
can't listen to it now. If I hear it come on
the radio, I'm like gone. I'm like, nah, this
ain't doing it. Interesting question though,
Josh in Chicago. I don't know. Is he just trying
to get a read on us or something maybe? Yeah,
I just found it a really interesting question.
And Limp Bizkit, where did that come from? Gosh.
I love it. I love it. Thank you, Josh. Right
again. This is a new guy, I'm pretty sure, and
so is Tessa, because we're giving out the email.
Well, Tulsa King started out the same way, just
asking simple questions like that. Yeah. Tulsa
King is going to get back with us. Oh, I know
he will. Yeah. I know he will. I can tell this
much. He's trying to get the hell out of Atlanta.
He hates it. He's trying to get back to Tulsa.
And nobody knows he listens to this at his work
or nothing. He's already made it clear to me.
I don't say his name, of course, and nobody knows
who he is. But Ronnie in Tulsa has a prominent
job in the energy field. And there's a lot of
it going on in Tulsa. And he doesn't care if
he goes to Oklahoma City, Tulsa, or even anywhere
in that area. You know, he's fine with it. But
he's just trying to get back there because he
is a fish out of water in Atlanta. And he's trying
to find these avenues to get another job like
he does. The problem is the job that he does,
it's very specified. But there's not that many
of them. And they don't need that many of them.
So he's trying to get back to Tulsa, Oklahoma
City, somewhere in there. He doesn't care. But
somewhere where he considers home, where he grew
up and all that. Ronnie will be back, but he's
got stuff going on. So, all right. All right.
Rob, what do you do when your belt sander keeps
slipping and scars the wood? Chip in Dallas.
I know, but he asked you. Go ahead. Change your
sander. Or tighten it. Tighten it. Yeah, tighten
it. Tighten it. Tighten it. Yeah. And as for
the scar? It will come out. You've got to use
a lower grit. And then you go back to a 220 or
a 320. But you've got to start off with a 40,
60, or 80, depending on how bad the scar is.
You don't just sit there and dig in either. You
dig in, you're going to ruin the flooring. I
think you're talking about flooring. You don't
dig into the flooring. You've got to glide. And
that's just all there is to it. And I think,
I mean, they could be talking about making a
chair or something, but the way this is written,
I think he's talking about flooring. So, okay,
Chip, you got anything else? It doesn't matter.
It works either way. Yeah, yeah, you got to be
careful. You can't dig in, but to get out scars
and wood, you have to have a heavier grit, and
then you go to a lighter grit. What now? Yeah,
and just kind of smooth it in. Just kind of work
it in. And then you pick out a good stain. A
good stain will hide a lot of flaws. Oh, yeah,
definitely. Yeah, and make sure it's a sealer.
It's got a sealer on it. It costs a little bit
more, but once you put that stain with a sealer
on it, your floor is beautiful. So there you
go. If you're talking about floors. All right.
Rob, I've come to the conclusion you are afraid
to show up in Freeman. You got car parts for
Montrose and Tightwad. You have never even stopped
at Harold's for a sandwich and a Fanta orange.
I love that little Fanta orange. I bought you
one if you get there anytime soon. Just tell
the person at the counter you are Rob from the
podcast and they'll fix you right up. I didn't
buy that asshole Mark anything. Mitch, the guy
waiting on Rob. I didn't want anything from Mitch
anyhow, so it's not a big deal. I buy my own
stuff. I don't need some fucking dickhead in
Freeman buying me anything. So, that's cool.
So, Rob, what do you got to say to that? Okay.
Here's what's going to happen. Okay. I'm going
to show up there, and then I'm going to ask.
I want Mitch to give you his number. Mitch, if
you didn't do it, you better fucking do it now.
And don't cheap out. Don't get the chipped beef.
Get the fucking sliced beef. Mitch, you just
started it. You just started it. You just stepped
your foot in it, so you're in it now. And also...
Mitch, you better be sending Rob your phone number.
He'll gladly meet up with you. My food better
be there. There you go. Mitch, you better not
be lying. Because if I'm on the road, I'm going
to be hungry. Yeah, and also, don't get him the
chip beef. Get him the sliced beef. Don't cheap
it out and get him the cheaper salmon. And on
a long bun, not the round bun. On a long bun.
Yeah, extra sauce too, and do you want fries
or onion rings? Oh, onion rings, definitely.
Okay, onion rings, coleslaw? Oh, definitely.
Okay, and beans? You got me, dude. Mitch, there
you go. That's Rob's order. You better go down
there and clarify. No chip beef, sliced beef.
Yeah, onion rings, slaw, and beans. Slaw, yep.
Yeah. So, Rob's going to be expecting it. If
it doesn't happen, you don't want to see Rob
mad. You don't want to see Rob mad. It's ugly.
He's like Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk.
His shirt tears off. He turns kind of green.
Not real green, but kind of green. Wouldn't you
say kind of a gray -green instead of all the
way green? Yeah. Actually, I'm Pisces. I turn
blue. Oh, okay. He turns blue. He looks smurfish,
but he's huge. And he'll grab you and crush you
with his two fingers. So you don't want that
to happen, Mitch. All right. And I can blow the
Freeman down, so. There you go. He could go and
punch a hole in it once he gets mad. Because
you won't like him when he's angry. Don't make
him angry. Google it. Google it. Exactly. All
right. You got it. I got it. I don't know if
anyone else got it. Thank you, Mitch. Mitch is
really getting entertaining, isn't he? Even though
he hates me. I have to say, I've always found
Mitch entertaining. No, I have too, and he hasn't
let up. I got on him about getting a little boring,
right? And I think I told you about it. I sent
him a message going back. Dude, come on. Raise
the bar a little bit. You can't just sit there
and just go, Rob's afraid to come. Or, oh, no,
no, Lake Freeman, Lake House. If people actually
beat me, I will beat you. Yeah. Honestly. I don't
care who he is. I don't care if I know him or
not. Mitch actually raised the bar. I don't know.
I don't know either. It could be someone. I would
love to meet Mitch. I really would. We spoke
about Cass County and that whole area so much.
It could be someone just screwing with us for
all we know. But Mitch, whoever you are, you
can hate me all you want. Just keep throwing
in these emails. They're very entertaining. Yeah,
but Mitch, if you want to meet me, let us know.
And also, he'll worry the Lord. Mark will keep
it private. Mark will keep it private. Yeah.
Yeah, and I won't even show up if you really
do hate me and it's not a gimmick. I won't even
show up. So, all right. And Rob will wear his
loincloth, of course, right? Oh, definitely.
So there you go. Mitch, I would have to. Yeah,
yeah. Mitch gets the loincloth. So, all right,
Mitch. Thank you, even though you hate me. All
right. Yes, thank you. Mark, is the new guy real?
Just wondering. Do you tell him to be a dick?
Missy in Atlanta. No, we don't tell him to be
a dick. We're trying to settle him down a little
bit, but he's so unpredictable. Yeah, he's been
on suspension. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's still
on suspension, really. Unless he breaks into
the studio. Well, he might break into the studio
and break off a promo or something. He's been...
He's been really, really like threatening to
do that. So if you get like an interruption with
him saying something, I can't help it. He's on
suspension. He's really disgruntled. Yeah. Yeah.
And I don't know. I gave him pencil shavings.
You gave him 50 bucks. I don't know what more
he wants. I don't know. Yeah. I even offered
him a hand job with someone else's hand. But,
you know, whoever I could find. But I even offered
him a hand job and that didn't make him happy.
So. Oh, no. All right. You said nothing to that,
Rob. But it was with somebody else's hand. It
was with somebody else's hand, so it doesn't
matter, right? As long as it wasn't mine. All
right. I know you did. Then I'm like, shit, I'm
getting no support from Rob at all. I know better,
dude. There's nothing worse than radio silence
when you do something like that for effect, and
then the person just drops. Just nothing. It's
like, ah, ah, ah, ah. It's like, it wasn't that
out of line? I don't know. So, anyhow. Well,
alright. right you got me i broke stride on that
one so all right uh and then finally hey mark
i definitely sympathize you uh sympathize with
you on the scone fiasco i have remember that
guy uh wrote last week saying that i was full
of shit and i told him the facts i mean you talk
to someone that doesn't know english that well
it's hard to communicate done this my whole life
you know I get tired. Even with my mom, she has
certain things still to this day that I have
problems explaining to her. It's just the language
difference. Sometimes you're beat and you're
not going to stay there for 10 minutes arguing
with them about you're not Dino's son. It's just
like, I'm going to take these fucking scones
and serve for free and leave because they don't
understand me. If anyone doesn't If anyone doesn't
know Greek people and aren't close to them, they
don't understand. You take their gift. They do
not like it when you don't take their gift. It
insults them, especially a gift to the family
like these scones. They thought I was Dino's
son. They were so happy to give them to me. And
I'm like, you know, and I tried to let them know.
So you had to have been there. Anyhow, Mark,
I definitely sympathize with you on the scone
fiasco. I have several people I have to deal
with daily that know around half of the English
language. I can testify it's not very easy. Mike
in Maine. Yeah, everything that I just said,
I mean. I've dealt with this my whole life. I
have a lot of relatives that English is not even
their second language, you know. So, I mean,
unless you're really in those shoes and you're
constantly explaining yourself, it's kind of
hard to, you can't really get the point across
unless you're in it. So, anyhow, Rob, let's turn
this over to you. All right. Well, you know what
time it is. Best segment ever. Time for Rob's
Bag of Garbage! Yay! Go on, please. No, that
was the end of that one. Oh my gosh. Okay, it
doesn't explain how we accidentally mixed acid
in with his drink. I don't know. How does that
happen? I don't know. Oh well, anyhow, go ahead.
I'm sorry. Okay Wow Wow Okay, here's to her I
don't think doctors know what they're talking
about. Probably. Go ahead, Rob. Well, that was
it for tonight. All righty. Thank you for your
bag of garbage. That was awesome. Two great stories.
You brought it. Very much appreciate it. Let's
take our second break. And I got a little Kansas
City radio update, if you will. So we will be
right back unless something catastrophic happens
or the power goes out. I love that. You're just
like, all right. All right. All right. We'll
be right back. I'm sitting in a walk right now.
So yeah, I'm in trouble. I'm going to be able
to see myself downstairs. All right. We'll, we'll,
we'll be right back. This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on the hustle. Today,
we need to focus on the genius Franklin Harris
for inventing the jukebox override. Some dumbass
puts down a hundred on the Melvins to last all
night. No worry, thanks to Mr. Harris. Just put
in a buck a song to override shitty music and
you can be the hero. Mr. Harris, not many stop
to admire your fine work, but we do here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone. Thank you, Mr. Harris,
for being a patriotic, great human being. This
here podcast has Mark's personal stamp of approval.
The only problem is Mark likes to spit on his
stamps, and he's a horrible enemy. Hey everybody,
this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some
tips for life. This is Uncle Rob's rules to dick
pics. Rule number one, title of a pic is someone
else's. So if you get busted, it's not yours.
Rule number two, shoot angles complementary to
your length and girth. Rule number four, no propping
of the leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very
important. I'm the guy that comes in after Christmas
and douses all your dreams and hopes. Ho, ho,
ho. Ho, ho, ho. Let's go to our mailbag and see
what's next. Ah, looks like it's little Jeff
from Mason City, Iowa. All I want is a saddle
for my horse. Please and thank you. Well, little
Jimmy, I don't have a saddle for you. But I have
a poem. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I took
your horse and had it made into glue. Since the
dawn of time, weird shit has happened. Strange
occurrences, unexplained phobias, and other odd
happenings. Over the next minute, we would like
to bring you odd, rare phobias and conditions.
Hutchinson -Gilford Progeria Syndrome. Cases
known on Earth, 100 to possibly 150. This causes
young children to age quickly, such as hair loss,
thin, fragile skin, and cardiovascular issues,
while the child's mental capacity stays the same.
There is unknown cure and very little treatment
options. Strange, but true. In the 1920s, there
was a health drink called Radithor that literally
contained radium, and consequentially... slowly
killed his customers. Evan Byers, a wealthy American
socialite, died from Radithor radium poisoning
in 1932. When his body was exhumed in 1965 for
study, his remains were still highly radioactive.
The only reason Radithor didn't cause a public
health crisis at the time was because it could
only be afforded by the rich. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. Let's see. If I identify as a dog
and I start wandering around the block without
a collar on, could animal control come by and
pick me up? I may never know. You watched the
news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have the
post -apocalypse. Remember, post -apocalypse,
to have a sewage bit. Sewage, untreated, can
result in serious illness and other obstacles
for your family to live well. You also should
have some chemicals stocked up, maybe bags of
chlorine or something of such, to sanitize the
sewage per week. A long time ago, there was this
party house, and this is when I worked at Justin
Jones' steakhouse. Oh, yeah. Okay, and all of
us partied at night, and the guy that worked
there, he lived back behind Justin Jones. And
anyhow, he was divorced, and anyhow, so he had
kind of like a party house back there. So me
and a buddy of mine were sitting back there one
night, and we're bored as hell. So we're daring
each other to do stupid shit. So I told him,
I said, all right, I forgot what he dared me.
He probably ran around the block making or something
like that. Something stupid, you know, clucking
like a chicken or like, I don't know, you know,
just stuff that we could come up with that we
could do. So I'm looking around. I look next
door. I guess there's like some party or something
going on, and neither one of us heard about it,
so we're the only two tool bags sitting here
at that party house. We're just sitting there
going, fuck, man, this is boring as hell. So,
you know, we're doing this stupid shit that we're
daring each other to do. So I look out, and there's
a house next to it with this little porch. I
go, hey, go out there, take a dump on the porch,
light it on fire, bang on the door, and then
come back. Sure. No problem. So, hey, I'm sitting
there and I see this silhouette of him in the
moonlight. This shadowy figure fucking squatting.
See these fucking couple of turds come out. And
see him fucking throw up his shorts real quick.
And all this is just a shadowy figure. Then I
see him stooped over. It took him a long time
to get this fucker lit. I see him over there
laboring. And I'm like, oh, shit. So then he,
like, throws some leaves or some shit on it,
and finally I see this little flame. I see this,
like, he kind of clenches up, like, yeah! And
all of this is shadowing, right? So anyhow, I'm
like, ah, good, good job, well done. So he comes
back, he sits down, and we're sitting there waiting,
waiting, waiting, nothing. We both end up passing
out. So at 3 in the morning, I wake up, and I
see, like, this glow. It was kind of an orange
glow through the blinds. What the hell? And I
hear a bunch of rustling and shit and people
talking. All of a sudden it dawned on me. Oh,
fuck. Oh, shit. He burnt down the house next
door. Oh, my God. So, yeah. I get up. I go over
there. And there's like four firefighters with
this hose. And a guy's standing out there shaking
his head. And they're all laughing. Because...
Someone shit on their porch, lit it, and it caught
their porch on fire. Because nobody fucking answered
the door. They were probably sound asleep. Maybe
they're on sleeping pills or something. I'm like,
dude, dude, wake up. He's like, oh, fuck, man.
I'm on probation. I'm going to go to jail. I'm
like, dude, calm down. It didn't burn the house
down, man. Nobody died or nothing. Listen, they're
all out there laughing and stuff. And the homeowner's
like shaking his head like, who the fuck did
this? So anyhow. Have you ever wondered what
something is or not? Have you ever looked at
something and said, hey, I wonder what the origin
of that is? Well, so have we. That's why we give
you The Origin Of. The origin of the goatee.
The goatee is a beard style that dates back to
ancient Greece and Rome and is named for its
resemblance to a goat's beard. The goatee has
been worn by many famous men throughout history,
including Uncle Sam, Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock.
The gobham was often depicted with a goatee,
and in medieval and renaissance art, Satan was
depicted with a goatee as well. The goatee became
popular again in 1940s. as the defining trait
of the beatniks and jazz musicians. It fell out
of favor again in the 1960s, but became fashionable
again in the 1990s and 2000s. The term goatee
originated in the late 20th century. It was originally
called a goatee. Bags and microphone on Mark
here in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. Well, I promised this is kind of a Kansas
City radio update kind of deal. Probably not
like what most people think it's going to be.
Most people are probably like, oh, Johnny Deere
must have gotten hired or something like that.
No, here's what it is. I wish he would, and I
think he will, but not quite yet. I think we've
got to get through the year first. All right.
St. Louis and Kansas City legendary radio talent
Randy Raley. has a new internet show called The
KY Files. Oh, right. Yeah. You've probably seen
it. I follow him on Facebook. Yeah, yeah. The
show airs every Sunday and Tuesday night at 7
p .m. Central. The show takes a look back at
what KY and other legendary stations' playlists
was from years ago. I think last night, well,
when I wrote this out, it was last night, but
Tuesday night. Wait a minute. Today's Wednesday.
Yeah, it was. It was last night. I think... It
covered December of 1977. The website for his
internet radio station is stlouisclassicrock
.com. I got involved in something else and I
missed most of it, but I did see the remnants
of what it said it was and all that. I need to
look up the particulars on playing songs for
a music show on the internet because I believe
it has to be a streaming station. I believe the
rules for playing music on a podcast is not cheap
to do. You have to pay the royalties, and everybody
knows that you don't make anything in podcasting.
But I would love to do a music show with undiscovered
music and little indie music and all different
kinds of stuff that I know about that I feel
the average person knows nothing about. And I
would love to do that and give little insights
and who had input and who worked on what album
and all that stuff. But it's also, I want it
to be a music, you know, I want to put music
on it, but you can't really do that on a podcast.
So it has to be a streaming station. The logistics
of that is a lot of work. So I don't know. We'll
see if it ever happens. But would you get involved
in something like that, Rob? Be like a typical
DJ and talk about the music you're playing? I'm
checking into it, but I don't know. I think it's
going to be too much work because I'm going to
have to do everything myself. I can't just go
out and pay someone to do it. So, anyhow, Rob,
let's turn it over to you. All right. Country
music star Zac Brown has become the focus of
a growing social media dispute after audience
members have been lost. Thank you. For some viewers,
those landscapes appear more ominous than expected.
The news comes after a separate incident which
a family portrait exposed six secrets before
a dad killed all seven massacres. What? Anyway,
anyway, yeah. consistently denied that the imagery
is symbolic of anything satanic or ritualistic.
He was also wearing Illuminati symbols, too.
Okay. Anyhow, go ahead, because Topher and I
came up with the idea that he's doing it for
controversy to get to be, his career has probably
hit a little bit of a lull. people weren't that
interested in him anymore. So he quite frankly
did something, he's doing something outlandish
in Las Vegas to get attention to himself. But
go ahead, Rob. Well, this is a story I have read.
Okay. Instead, he said the visual direction is
rooted in his life story and the themes explored
on his latest album. Okay. Wow. Okay, you know
what? I like that article because that gives
a different perspective. And I didn't know this,
and I guess Topher didn't either, about how he
had an explanation for it. We just thought he
was doing controversy to resurrect his career.
We were unaware of all that, so thank you. Anyhow,
go ahead. And there's a lot of different viewers'
comments. And, you know, he says it's about his
life, but I do see a picture of it. You should
see the picture of it. Okay. Okay. What do you
think? What's your feelings on it? I really don't
know. That's kind of my conclusion, too, after
hearing that. This just jumped out, you know?
Yeah. Okay. Thank you, Rob. That was something,
the story that I didn't get and Topher didn't
get either. We'll probably talk about that next
week on the music creeps. Excellent. I'm going
to do a little bit more research into it. Thank
you, Rob. CNN reported on November 25th that
an unnamed 57 -year -old man in Borgo, Vigalio,
Italy, dressed up as his mother, Griselia Dall
'Ogalio, and tried to, and that's probably not
exactly how the name is pronounced, and I don't
give a shit. and tried to renew her government
ID card so that he could continue to collect
her pension. He wore a wig, makeup, and her clothing,
but authorities were tipped off by the hair on
his neck and chin inconveniently. The person
that he was acting as his mom passed away in
2022 at the age of 82. Her son, an unemployed
nurse, did not report her death to authorities.
When they visited his home, they found his mother's
mummified body in the laundry room closet wrapped
in sleeping bags. An autopsy was ordered and
the son was held in a local jail for fraud. Part
of this article, it was a smaller article instead
of the larger one that I read at first. He did
not kill his mom. She apparently died of natural
causes. Where he fucked up was he was trying
to collect her checks after she died because
he was unemployed, therefore defrauding the government,
therefore going to jail. So he didn't go to jail
for killing his mom. He went to jail for trying
to get money from her after she was passed away
from the government. It was fraud. So, all right,
Rob, you got something or it's 9 -12? I'll leave
it to you. I love it. Go ahead. It's about a
cow. Okay. At first glance, it's what a man and
a cow is just rocking some kind of quirky winter
hat. Uh -huh. Okay, go ahead And what? He's healthy
and adored. Okay. He clearly has no idea he's
gone viral for looking like he's wearing the
world's most best built -in accessory. Watching
him nom -nom a banana with his hat on is not
only hilarious, it's generally heartwarming.
Cool. Very cool. That's all I've got about me.
Oh, that's it? Okay. I thought there was going
to be more. Very cool. Thank you, Rob. All right.
Let's see. Let's see. I've got one more, and
then we can go ahead and call it a night unless
you've got something else. Is that cool? It's
a small one. No, that sounds good. Okay. Around
1 a .m. on November 19th, Hancock County, West
Virginia, sheriff's officers responded to a call
about a man suffering a gunshot wound while the
rifle was being cleaned. WKRC -TV reported that
when the officers arrived, two men at the home
revealed the real story. They had been shooting
out the second story window of his home at rats,
they said, and the gun went off when one man
tried to take it from the other to shoot a rat.
The victim was transported to the hospital. Homeowner
Mark Fuller was charged with endangerment of
a person involving a firearm and discharging
a firearm within 500 feet of a dwelling. He is
out on bond and awaiting his trial. So they were
shooting at rats out of their store window. And
one guy tried to grab the... the gun from another
guy to shoot a rat that he's seen, and it accidentally
shot the guy. The other guy. So, there you go.
Alrighty. Well, I didn't tell the caption of
the story, and I didn't write it. Redneck Chronicles.
Because I already get enough heat. I get enough
heat from people that I used to go to school
with because I tease around and call them rednecks.
I'm just having fun. So that's why I didn't say
that. That was a caption of the article that
I read online and printed out. I'm going to write
that down. Yeah, that's going to be sent by storage.
Redneck Chronicles? I love that. Yeah. Hell yeah.
Yeah, I got a bunch of them, too, of people I
grew up with. We used to catch... Those little
lizards, those little skinks, right? And we use
them to catch black bass. But yeah, have you
ever done this? I think they called it like lizard
tailing or something like that. And that's where
one guy goes to the rock where there's a bunch
of those skinks at. They scare him and you grab
a seine net and you throw it over him. Have you
ever done that? yeah yeah that is definitely
a redneck thing i mean i got to thinking about
that and i was like man that was so redneck we
would sit there all day and someone would be
like i wonder if there's any underneath this
rock so they start toppling shit and also that
was a great way to get a timber rattler or something
like that on you and we didn't think anything
about it we're just like at these creek beds
fucking flipping up these rocks everywhere and
trying to get those little skinks to fish for
black bass. But, yeah, that's a whole other story
for a whole other day. Anyhow, everybody, thank
you for listening. We love you guys. Good night,
assholes. All right, good night, assholes. Oh,
no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has
explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.