Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Since the dawn
of time, weird shit has happened. Strange occurrences.
Unexplained phobias. and other odd happenings.
Over the next minute, we would like to bring
you odd, rare phobias and conditions. Kepler's
syndrome, or the delusion of doubles, is a rare
condition where a person falsely believes a familiar
individual, like a spouse or family member, has
been replaced by an identical -looking imposter
or duplicate. As a type of delusional misidentification
syndrome, often linked to underlying brain issues
or psychiatric conditions, including schizophrenia,
dementia, with Lewy body, brain injury, or bipolar
disorder, resulting from a disconnect between
face recognition and emotional processing. Treatment
focuses on managing the underlying disorder with
different forms of therapy and addressing associated
symptoms like anxiety. Hey, you yankers. We often
think many things are just true because we've
heard it our whole lives. That's why here at
Two Douchebags and Microphone, we developed the
segment. Not true. We investigate and uncover
the real truth of what happened. We've heard
for years that Einstein was so intelligent he
could not figure out how to tie his shoe. The
fact is, he disliked wearing socks. He would
put socks over his shoes to avoid tying them.
He believed tying shoelaces was an incredible
waste of time. So were Crocs when Einstein needed
them. And now we look in on the adventures of
the technical explanation guy. Excuse me, my
dear sir. Could you please put my plain bread
in a small countertop appliance with heating
elements that would spring loaded and would brown
my bread adequately? Well, first off, I'm not
a waiter. I'm just a guy over there sitting at
the table having a drink. Second off, are you
talking about someone toasting your bread? Well,
yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread being
toasted. Then why don't you just ask for your
bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? What the
hell's wrong with you? And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. Should I record frog sounds in the
summer, then play them when it's zero degrees
on my ring doorbell for the Amazon guy? Hmm.
Yeah, that sounds like fun. Hey, dickhead, no
one gives an ounce of shit what you had for breakfast.
Not even the person on the other end. You look
like a mentally slow driv yelling into thin air
all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts out and blows up your eardrums. What men
consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look
back home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the thieving because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Two douchebags
a microphone in an effort to keep everything
fresh we offer you First world problems Damn
it. The city services website is down again.
I Can't believe this. I'm gonna have to actually
call and talk to someone to pay my damn trash
bill This is ridiculous Most dangerous city in
North America. You can't touch me. Oh yeah? This
is Kansas City here. Hold my beer, bitch. Two
douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark, here in
the Kansas City area at the extreme southern
tip of the Kansas City Metroplex at the Talk
is Cheap studio. And I am Rob from Wheatland,
Missouri, home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway
and Wheatland RV Park. You found another one.
Okay. Before, it was like not much else. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right. Very, very cool.
All right. Well, I got an update on a couple
of things here. You know, we were really disappointed
because Birmingham, UK, United Kingdom, the airport.
Did not want to change the name to Ozzy Osbourne
International because that is where Black Sabbath
came from. The most famous group to come out
of it. Quite a few groups actually came out of
that area, Birmingham area, but they are the
most famous, the most prolific, the most ones
that everyone's heard of, and especially Ozzy
Osbourne, their lead singer and solo artist.
Birmingham, UK might get an official Ozzy Osbourne
International. After all, the petition has grown
to close to 100 ,000 signatures to rename the
city's airport. I think if they do rename it,
they should have the Ozzy or Sabbath or both
museum at the airport. Many airports have museum.
Yeah, they should have the museum there because
there's so many airports that have museum tributes.
of like, oh, like the Wright Brothers. You know,
let's see. I was trying to think of the one in
Vegas. There's a museum in Vegas, too. There's
quite a few airports that have museums in there.
Oh, Louis Armstrong Airport in New Orleans has
a jazz museum there. I mean, it would make sense
for them to have a museum there, but we need
to start, you know, with the actually renaming
of the airport. And, I mean, I don't know, should
they name it Ozzy, Osbourne International, or
should they name it Black Sabbath International?
What do you think? I think you would call it
Sabbath. I think so, too. Sabbath International.
I think so, too, because the whole band is from
there, not just Ozzy. Yes, exactly. The whole
reason the name Ozzy came about on it being renamed
is because he's the only one of the originals
that passed away. And so, you know, and, you
know, and everybody's bummed out like they should
be. He's a great guy. Left his mark on this world
and a lot of people. Yeah. Yeah. So, like I mentioned
before, many people like myself would fly there
just to check into Ozzy International. Now this
gives us a definite destination, doesn't it,
right? If they do do it, it's like, hey, I want
to go to Birmingham. I'm going to see the museum.
I'm going to check in there to make all my peeps
jealous. You know, of course, that's what you
got to do. As soon as you land, you got to go,
oh, here I am. Do a little selfie in front of
the museum. Sounds good to me. So we'll see.
So anyhow, This is why I'll never do DoorDash,
Rob. Number one, if I'm ever too lazy to go get
my own food, I don't need it. Number two, right
here is a prime example. This is from the New
York Post. DoorDash driver drops a chicken wing
on the concrete. He puts it back in the box and
licks his fingers in a gross caught on the camera
scene. A door dash driver was caught shoving
a stray chicken wing back into the takeout container
after it plopped onto the concrete, and then
he proceeded to lick the sauce off of his fingers,
and he sauntered away, all without any warning
to any of the customers at all. Isn't that nasty?
Yeah. I mean, if that was me, I would have just
like... I would have knocked on the door and
I would have said, this wing fell on the ground.
I apologize. It wasn't wrapped up good enough.
You know, I mean, that's the only decent thing
to do, right? You'd be like, hey, you know, I'm
sorry. But anybody would be like, okay, accidents
happen. Thanks for letting me know. Appreciate
it. You know, I mean, if nothing else, you know,
they could call DoorDash and go, hey, give me
my money back for that order because it's missing
one. And they'd probably do it. But you don't
take the damn thing that's been lying on the
ground and throw it back in there and then throw
it back in the bag and act like nothing happened.
So I hope they relieve that guy of his DoorDash
duties. I don't know. It didn't say. Anyhow,
the disgusted Florida customer, Trina Brown,
shared the damning Ring camera footage with WJXT
shortly after their delivery horror story at
their Orange Park home on Sunday. In the video,
the driver tries to shimmy the stack of food
out of his DoorDash -branded insulated bag, but
a container of boneless wing toppled to the ground.
So, I mean, I just think that's disgusting. And,
I mean, I just covered it because I thought it
was an interesting story because it was pretty
cool. No one would have known this, but they
caught it on ring camera. Otherwise, you would
have ate this thing. It might have been, I don't
know, there might have been dog shit there or
something. And you would have ate that wing.
Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I've been guilty of that when
I was working restaurants as a teenager. Especially
if it's expensive food. Yeah. So, anyhow. There
is a kitten in Brazil that is being dubbed Cyclops
Cat after it was born with one eye. I've seen
a viral video. You know, it's pretty cool, but
it's not right. I think it passed away. But,
I mean, if you want to win bar bets, wouldn't
that be the place to do it? I mean, hey, I got
a one -eyed cat, you know, a Cyclops. Not a one
-eyed, but a Cyclops. Probably win a lot of bar
bets, I would think. So, anyhow, Coach Reed must
not have ever heard the phrase, tickle their
tonsils. He used it in a press conference the
other day. Yes, I'm serious. Tickling someone's
tonsils is insinuating what, Rob? Oh, I would
say. Okay. This is a family show. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, kind of. He used it in a press conference
the other day. He was asked about play call,
and he replied, we have a few things to tickle
their tonsils. I was hoping for footage of the
press members because I could see them snickering
and chuckling. But I could not find where anyone
panned to the audience to see people going, teehee.
Instead... I'm sure they did, and you should
have seen the sportscasters. I've watched a couple
of different ones on that, and they want to die
laughing, but they can't. They're sitting there
being as stiff as they can to try to act like
they're not laughing, but you could tell by the
semi -smirk on their face exactly what was thinking
is exactly what we were thinking, right? It's
like, oh! I'm sure... Yeah, I'm sure Coach Reed
got some shit about that in the locker room or
afterwards or wherever. All right, we've got
a new segments alert. We got a couple of them.
Not true was the first one, and it's an attempt
to debunk the myths that people believe to be
true every day. Everyday stuff that we thought
was true, we're attempting to debunk on this
show. The stuff that is not true. The stuff that
is true, we're leaving it alone. So it's simply
called not true. I'm pretty excited about it.
I believe there's four segments so far, and I
have like 20 to go of these facts that I looked
up of things that people think are true that
are actually not. I like it. And then the second
new segment is rare phobias. This is an up -close
look at some of the rarest phobias on this planet.
So, yeah. So I'm pretty stoked about it. And
here's another reason, too, okay? We do a lot
of raunchy stuff, right? Okay, right? But also,
I think what's important to counteract the raunchy
stuff is actually stuff that's informative and
intelligent in an entertaining manner. Am I correct?
You've got to have a little bit of everything.
Yeah, you've got to have some serious stuff.
But it can't be stupid like just reading off
a letterhead, you know, and today three people
were shot. You know, you have to make it entertaining
for people to want to listen to it instead of
it becoming, you know, just audio background
noise, you know. So there's a lot of shows that
I can't explain it. But whenever I listen to
them, it goes into background noise. I cannot
keep them focused. Do you know what I mean? Do
you have some shows like that? Yeah. And you
start wandering off and thinking about something
that happened that day or thinking about what
you're going to go get to eat or something. So
I think at these, I'm trying to pick out these
ones that are unique, that will make people go,
wow, I never knew that. You see what I mean?
That's the entertaining part right there. It's
not like we're... Yeah, it's like you're learning
something and something that would make you go,
wow, I never knew that. So we'll see if it works.
Anyhow, I'm going to put a couple of them in
this episode right here. And like always, 2douchesatmail
.com. Send us your remarks. Yes. Yeah, we want
your comments. We want your opinions. If you
like it, say, yeah, good job. If you hate it,
say, hey, you guys suck. And like I said, hate
mail. Oh, you are awesome, dude. Yes. Yes. Thank
you. Two douches at mail .com. Send us some because
we seem to be getting a lot of the same emailers
over and over. And from what I understand, that's
normal. But we're not really seeming to get new
ones. And I think it's because we never give
out the email address. Right. So I need to start
doing that. So in other words, the people that
have it, have it. And the people that don't,
don't. We've been saying that for three years.
I know. 2douchesatmail .com Break us off an email.
Let us know what you think. Or just tell us we
suck. It doesn't matter. Anyhow, we just want
you to use it, and it's entertaining either way.
If you hate us, love us, whatever. Either way,
it's entertaining, and we like to talk about
it on this show. Yep, yep. So, I mean, how many
times has someone said something really awful
about us, and we're just like laughing, going,
oh, cool, all right. They hate us. So, all right.
Instead of sweating it. out in the kitchen this
month making cookies or some other baked good
to pack up and leave on your neighbor's doorstep
as a holiday gift one woman has a much better
gifting option this holiday season it's a giant
dumpster okay all right ashley reeves swears
by this ultimate hack when it comes to neighbor
gifts saying this that this is going to save
you time and money Plus, it's going to lower
your overall holiday stress, which is just a
huge bonus. We've been doing this for 10 years,
she said. We rent a dumpster where neighbors
can come throw away all their extra cardboard
and dead trees for the holidays. Isn't that a
great idea? That's their gift. Their gift is
a giant dumpster that all the neighbors can take
their... leftover christmas stuff you know like
cardboard rolls um tore up wrapping paper um
boxes where there used to be tonka trucks or
whatever that's recyclable stuff yeah yeah yeah
so in trees your uh your christmas tree and people
just go oh don't worry about it the neighbor
over there you know what what was her name ashley
reeves oh yeah yeah they got that dumpster for
everybody for christmas and you just take your
stuff over there throw it and you're done with
it that's a great idea And it said, we've been
doing this for 10 years. We run a dumpster while
neighbors can throw all their extra cardboard,
dead trees for the holidays, all that clutter
that builds up in their homes that everyone hates.
There's a place to dump it. It costs about $150
to $200, depending where you're at, she explained.
December 23rd to January 1st, you can wrap a
bow around it. I've had my kids decorate it before.
All she does, I think that's cool. I'd love to
put Christmas lights on it. Wouldn't that be
cool? It would be. So, that's a hell of a gift.
There's a little bit more to that, but you know
what? You guys got the idea. Let's see here.
I got some other stuff, but you know what? You
have a lot of stuff you want to talk about. So,
let's go ahead and get off of me and let's get
on you, Rob. by your recap on the things we did,
places we went, stuff like that. First off, we
stayed at Howard Johnson's, which is on Sharkville
Hills Expressway. Yeah, Wyndham is actually a
better company in my opinion than Howard Johnson's.
So, okay. The sign out front was a little confusing.
Okay. Mm -hmm Oh, I love it. Games. I love it.
Yeah. Now, one thing you've got to be prepared
for when you go there, there are, I believe they
said, 277 steps. Mm -hmm. It's groundwater from
up above coming in. And also, there's a lot of
natural springs in that area, too. Yes, yes.
And I don't want to go into their whole story.
I mean, it's a pretty cool story. It's a... Well,
we can just tell... ...family land back in, what's
that, 1700, 1800? Something like that. they have
this kids area out front where you can buy these
bags of dirt and buy these bags of like rocks
and gems and they have like this slew area where
like you're gold mining you're panning for the
stuff It always has been. It's been around a
long time, and it's a great place. A lot of history
in that area, too. That's cool. That's very cool.
And Marvel Cave at Still Your Dollar City is
pretty cool, too. That's cool. Yeah. And then
after we got done with that, we went and checked
out a crystal rock shop. We took my cousin and
his wife. Mm -hmm. After that, we went to Ripley's,
believe it or not. Always a great time. I learn
more and more every time I go there. Well, they
switch it up quite a bit. If you've seen it once,
you haven't seen it yet. Very cool. Very cool.
We thought that was pretty cool. You know, that
shows he's got manners, you know. Yeah, yeah,
that's cool. And then the guy that came up to
take the order for the food, he started right
off with my cousin, you know. Very cool. No,
he always started with the women. Oh, he did?
Oh, okay, sorry. I misunderstood you. Yeah, you
do. I agree. Good. Good. Cool. Mm -hmm. Lucky
you. Lucky you. Yeah, yeah, I know Branson. Right
before we headed out, we stopped at House of
Eight Tattoo Shop. It's on Highway 76. And Princess
and I got each other's initials on our ring finger.
I'm the same way, too. I can't wear mine, either.
She does a lot of things, you know, her biology
and stuff, workable plants and stuff. She takes
her rings off. So, you know, so it was a little
sentiment to us, you know. Yeah. Wow. He actually
had his eyeballs tattooed. Didn't know you could
do that. Yes, you can. I didn't know either until
I met Bart. Wow. He goes, man, everybody asks
me about it. He goes, no, it's actually a tattoo.
I didn't know it could be done until, and then
once I found out, I figured I'd give it a shot.
I'd be afraid to. I'd be afraid to. Wow. What?
That's cool. Okay, my vote is pie. What's your
vote? It is a pie. Okay. But they ended up going
back because Princess was in fact, and my cousin's
wife was back there with them. And we could hear
the conversation from out front. They went back
there talking about it. It was pretty cool. That
is cool. Yeah, it's always fun. Very, very cool.
All right, let's take our first break and come
back with some emails. Sound good? Sounds great.
Hey, everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm going
to give you some tips for life. This is Uncle
Rob's rules to dick pics. Rule number one, title
a pic in someone else's name as long as you get
busted. This is Joshua Belmont, your food for
thought man on the hustle. So I just realized
a genius that gets absolutely no credit. His
name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited with
the first bag of salad mix that was bagged and
sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe he
is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
bladders for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Tomorrow morning, while
grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha
latte, remember to not get your genitals caught
in the grinder. It really hurts, and who can
afford plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone.
Miss Gulkenstein was tired of Mark and Toe for
making sport of her. Little did the douchebags
know, Miss Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess
when she was younger. She grew angry and cast
a spell on Rob, changing Rob into a capuchin
monkey. Mark took Rob to a local zoo so he could
be with the other monkeys. Here are the adventures
of Rob, the capuchin monkey. Shh, be very quiet.
to listen in as rob the capuchin monkey tries
to sell the rest of the capuchin monkeys amway
rob has always dreamed of becoming a diamond
status amway as a capuchin monkey Little did
our hero Rob know. All the great apes owned stock
in Sam's Club and became violently pissed off
when he tried to infringe on their territory.
They promptly grabbed switches and beat his ass
for three days straight. Rob could not sit down.
Yes, it's true. Mark is an old bastard. It's
also true that Mark uses a lot of ibuprofen.
But Mark would like to tell you, if you see any
pictures of him roofing ibuprofen. It's obviously
fake, and you're to take the pictures and tear
them up immediately. Jam X, what the hell happened?
You were the generation of change. You never
wanted to be one of them. At the feet, spoke
for you. Fuck the man, fuck the system. What
the hell happened? The generation of angst, the
generation of non -compliance is now buying a
boat. You're really fed up to kill someone who
dangled a dollar near you. Great job, Xers. Everything's
ruined. The boll weevil clap. Read up on that
sometime. The boll weevil clap is this old guy
that I knew that was in Vietnam. I probably should
say, well, you know what, you can take this part
out of here if you like it, and we can put it
somewhere. But this old guy that I knew down
the road from me, he was in Vietnam. He told
me that one day, you know, him and a couple of
guys got a day off from the war, so they went
into the nearest town to go look for some hookers.
You know, they're like, you know, if we're going
to die, we're going to get laid. So, okay, all
right. So they go in there, and I guess the Viet
Cong, loaded the prostitutes full of this stuff
called the boll weevil clap. Yeah. Oh, it is.
So anyhow, he said, you know, they all went and,
you know, did what they needed to do. You know,
they thought they were all going to die, so they
went and they got laid. And the next day, when
a guy comes in, he goes, oh, my God, he goes,
I hurt so bad. You know, my fucking dick hurts
like hell. My stomach hurts. I think I'm going
to die. What'd they do with those damn hookers?
So anyhow, and he started hurting really bad.
He said it hurt so bad you could hardly breathe.
You could feel it in your dick shaft. It hurt
so bad. So they all go in. And I guess it's like
a horrible infection. And if you don't get it
treated, it will kill you. Like, you know, go
up your scrotum and your testicles. And anyhow.
The only cure back then was they had to take
this glass rod, shove it in the end of your penis,
and mash it with a rubber mallet. And then you
have to physically squeeze all the infection
out of your penis. I've heard of this. Yes. And
this took like four hours of mashing this. rod
and then squeezing all the infection out because
if they don't get all the infection out right
then... It just flares right back up. Yes. Seals
your pee -pee shut. Yes. Yeah, that was the old
joke of, you know, if you catch VD, your dick's
going to turn black and fall off, but there are
actually STDs. That was the worst case scenario,
yeah. It actually will turn black and fall off
because the tissue will die. Yeah, it's kind
of like a Gann Green type of deal, you know,
or something like that. So anyhow, yeah, he said
after that, he said, no, no more hookers. So.
Two douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark here
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. Alright, we've got some emails, Rob.
Should I get to them? Yeah, let's do it. Alright,
first one. I'm sorry, I've been absent for a
while. I've been a little busy and my reception,
which I'm starting to figure out. Yeah, you got
it figured out, so that's all that counts. Alright,
congratulations to Rob. All us Douche fans are
happy for him. Now, could you do more Uncle Rob
stuff? Please and thank you, Roscoe and Dallas.
Did you notice what he put on the end of that?
Please and thank you. I'm telling you, our listenership,
I swear, they are really intelligent because
some of these comebacks that they come up with,
it's just awesome. Oh, it's Roscoe and Dallas
is the guy that sent it, so thank you, Roscoe.
Thank you, Roscoe. We're going to do more Rob's
Tips for Life. Yes. Gosh, we're going to have
to. The wedding is good. Life is going to start
settling down some. Grant, I've got a lot to
do. I will explain that to you off air. Okay.
But it's really flattering how much they care,
isn't it? Yes. especially a segment that i never
thought that much of did you i mean i thought
it was cute but i didn't think it was that prolific
that big of a deal but everybody seems to just
like be nuts over that and there's only one we
only have one segment and everyone loves it so
we're coming up with more don't worry i just
need rob to say a couple of words here and there
and i've got everything else it's gonna be good
it's soon so We're going to have so much Rob
for you, you're going to get sick of him, right?
Yeah. There you go. All right, next one. Mark,
I have a for real scone recipe that's straight
from a family cookbook from Italy. I've attached
the recipe. Keep up the great work, guys. Love
you. Razzy in D .C. Awesome. Razzy? Please resend
it. Mail .com has a few issues with attachments
for some reason. They think that it's all malicious
when it isn't. And so it likes to block this
stuff from me. I saw where you tried to send
something, but it's just like the codec for it,
but it wasn't actually the attachment. So please
send it again, and if not, I'll give you my personal
email to just send it to me. But first, try it
one more time, 2douchesatmail .com. And if that
doesn't work, if it doesn't come through again,
then I'll have you do a different email. So thank
you, Razzy. Thank you. All right, next one. Mark,
fuck off. Nobody just gives you three dozen scones.
I call bullshit on you. Jesse in Montana. Jesse,
have you ever tried to argue with people that
use English language half the time? It's not
an easy task. Simply you get tired of trying
to explain to them, and you just take the fucking
scones and you leave. I had to. I sat there and
tried to talk to every one of them, and yeah,
they understood English, but not really well.
and when I'm sitting there trying to tell them
something serious, they think I'm fucking around.
It was a situation where I didn't have a whole
lot of time, and I got tired of arguing with
them, and I realized they were for free, so I
didn't have to shell out $100. I'm like, all
right, fuck it. I'm just going to take it. I
tried everything in my power to convince them
I wasn't this Costas guy that I thought I was,
or Dino Sun, or whatever. So that's just the
way it is. So, you know, if you don't believe
her or whatever, I don't give a shit. So, all
right. Next one. Rob, I got my schedule cleared
to visit Lucas Oil Speedway. I might feel like
revealing myself to you this summer. By the way,
we're digging out a Lake Freeman speed track
to compete with Lucas Oil. We're trying to get
a Bucky sponsorship. Mitch from Freeman, Rob's
buddy. Got anything, Rob? I'm sure you do. Well,
first off, if you get Bucky's to sponsor it,
that's gold. I'll be there every damn night.
First off, I have something I have to get for
my cousin's wife that's going to go off Facebook.
One thing I did not mention on the way back from
Branson, we made a pit stop in Springfield. Okay.
And my cousin got a picture of me with Bucky.
It's going to go on the Facebook page. I can't
forget to get it from her. And he patted me on
the back. And he also signed a loincloth for
Bucky. Yes, I did. Bucky was going to wear it
the next day. Speaking of loincloths, Rob, I
bought a loincloth. If I send it to you with
return postage, would you sign it for me? I don't
want Mark's signature. Ruth Ann in North Central
Ohio. Oh, Ruth Ann! I love you, girl. I don't
think it's her. I missed you. Rob, I don't think
it's her. I had to do a lot, a lot of digging.
You think so? She just switched emails? That's
why it was to me, not you. Okay. North Central
Ohio, Ruthann. All right, well, Ruthann. How
long could it be? Ruthann, keep being his buddy.
Thank you, Ruthann. Thank you, Ruthann. It's
about time. I cannot believe the way you ditched
him because you were mad at me. Yes, Ruthann.
I definitely will. There you go, Ruthann in North
Central Ohio. Oh, by the way, Ruthann, sorry
about your bangles. They lost their ass. I said
I was sorry. I wasn't laughing. I said I was
sorry. Hey, you really can't talk about our Chiefs
right now either, so come on. Oh, fuck no. No,
we cannot. No, I'm not. I'm not. No, our Chiefs
are... Our Chiefs are horrible. No, I told...
I just got her back. Come on. Okay, you're right.
But I was sincerely sorry about it because I
wanted them to win. But Buffalo, I don't know
what the fuck. So, all right. Mark, what was
your favorite childhood TV show? And I want your...
After I get done, I want yours, too. So, Johnny
Sacco. That stands out to me. Godzilla, anything?
1980s... Mine is pretty much Underdog. Cool.
And... Actually, real life shows, I think I would
have to go Gilligan's Island. Oh, yeah, Gilligan's
Island is one, yeah. Because Skipper. Yeah. Oh,
I got another one. Friday Fright Night. First,
it was the late Ed Mascari, who had an issue
with children out in California and ended up
going to prison, and he ended up passing away.
But as a young boy starting puberty, after him
was cremation and mortem. Yes. That was a tugger.
She was a tugger, wasn't she? Yes. Yeah, she
was a tugger. Yeah, she used to wear those vampy
outfits, the vampirilla outfits, and deliver
some really, really good horror movies on Friday
night. And Uncle Ed or Ed Mascari, that guy was
a creep, obviously, but he was pretty entertaining,
right? Yeah, he was. No. You asked. Yeah. And
he did the thing with his hand where he'd hold
it up. So, anyhow, you know what? Only certain
people get that, and I'll bet you that's like
me, you, and one other person, so I'll just shut
up. So, how's that? Hey, Rob, you know what time
it is? Go ahead. Go ahead. Best segment ever
in the history of the world. That's okay. Wow.
Yeah. Name says it all. Yeah. Soon after the
diagnosis, Sam fell into a coma where he remained
for 420 days. He woke up paralyzed, unable to
eat without a tube, or move without intense effort.
He required 24 -hour care, seven days a week.
He died. Yes. Wow. Well, that's all we have for
today. All right. Very good. Thank you, Rob.
Let's see. Looking for here. A couple of stories
here. All right. When Philadelphia roommates
Jessica Yang, 33, and Nicole DiNardo, 31, moved
in together in 2022, they both cared for Yang's
cat, Gary. Later, as Yang tackled a home renovation
project, DiNardo offered to care for Gary, People
magazine reported. However, Yang learned that
DiNardo had changed Gary's last name at the vet
and added herself to his microchip information,
making it seem... as if she was his owner. DiNardo
argued that the vet's office made the name change
on their own, and she was only trying to protect
him by adding her name to the emergency information.
Still, she and Yang clashed when it was time
to move out of their apartment and who thought
they were the real owner of Gary the Cat. She
said, I was unfit to be a pet parent, Yang said.
In December 2024, Yang sued DiNardo to the tune
of $20 ,000. And on November 5th, the court ruled
in favor of Yang because she had originally bought
the cat. I just hope she's okay and she has all
the things she needs and is living a good life,
DiNardo said. So, that was a pretty good little
pussy war, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. A little tug
of war over pussy. All right, well. Good deal.
Good deal. So, all right. Let's take our second
break and come right back. Sound about right?
All right. Okay. Oh, new guy's on suspension
for right now. Okay. Yeah, yeah. He was being
a real dick last night. I know. He's gone. Yep,
yep, yep. New guy's on suspension, and we're
going to take your votes. We're going to take
your votes out there whether you want him to
stay or not. Let us know. He's on suspension.
He's on a two -week suspension, I think. This
is his second week. We might give him another
chance if his attitude changes a little bit.
If his attitude changes a little bit, we might
have him back. We'll see. But, I mean, he does
not miss an opportunity to motherfuck us, does
he? No. No. All righty. We're going to be right
back. Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
You are dressed like an assistant debate coach
at an Ohio State middle school. Introducing Rob
Rad's new book, How to Track Your Enemy by Scent.
That's right, smell your enemy before they get
you. Order this gem now and get a free virtual
tour of Rob's secret bunker in Camderton, Missouri.
Also receive a free copy of his new book, How
to Clean Raw Sewage for Food. Have you ever wondered
what something came about? Have you ever looked
at something and said, Hey, I wonder what the
origin of that is? Well, so have we. That's why
we give you The Origin of. The Origin of the
Goatee. The Goatee is a beard style that dates
back to ancient Greece and Rome. and is named
for its resemblance to a goat's beard. The goatee
has been worn by many famous men throughout history,
including Uncle Sam, Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock.
The gobham was often depicted with a goatee,
and in medieval and Renaissance art, Satan was
depicted with a goatee as well. The goatee became
popular again in the 1940s as a defining trait
of the beatniks and jazz musicians. It fell out
of favor again in the 1960s, but became fashionable
again in the 1990s and 2000s. The term goatee
originated in the late 20th century. It was originally
called a goatee. Strange, but true. There are
deep -sea fish with transparent heads and visible
brains. The barrel -eye fish looks like something
from an alien autopsy. Its head is literally
see -through, and you can watch its eyes swivel
inside like little green orbs of doom. Hey there,
fuckstick. You're just in time for brand new
feature news nobody gives a shit about. An 80
-year -old Virginia man hangs upside down for
two hours a day. Oh, Lord. That man just sawed
a puppy in half. Hey there. Don't worry. I have
a clown nose. One guy just hit my child. It is
okay. I have a clown nose. Clown nose. Just put
one on and you can do anything. Want to run for
office? Murder people in public? Just grab a
clown nose and bam, everyone laughs. Clown noses
are sold at keg stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen. Hey, you
yankers. We often think many things are just
true because we've heard it our whole lives.
That's why here at Two Douchebags and Microphone,
we developed the segment, Not True. We investigate
and uncover the real truth of what happened.
Common thought for years was that if someone
was to throw a penny off the Empire State Building
and it was to hit somebody, it would kill them.
The fact is, dropped pennies from the Empire
State Building will not kill a person. It would
leave an incredibly painful red mark, but should
not kill you. Oh, man, what the fuck is this?
Is this a new feature? What's inside Mark's head?
Sounds stupid to me. If you took my first name
backwards, it would read as Cram. Arambe used
to listen to our original show, Too Dipsious
and Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder.
Harambe does not listen to our original show,
Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder anymore. You might ask why Harambe
never listens to our original show, Two Dipshits
and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder.
Well, it's because Harambe is dead. Senselessly
murdered because some idiot did not watch her
child properly while looking on her phone. Sadly,
Harambe does not listen to our original show,
Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder or any other show. anymore. Sorry
Harambe. Hey my fellow heavy breathers this is
Dash Riptide with your music news. For a nerd
to take center stage on Stranger Things float
at Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I remember
the infamous Kiss float years ago where the large
Gibson guitar on their float was replaced with
a much smaller ugly one. Paul was seen mincing
and bitching so in other words he was being normal.
George Thorogood has announced a world tour.
Minus the rest of the world. It kicks off March
8th. Thousand Oaks, California. March 10th. Napa,
California. March 17th. Kamloops, California.
March 19th. Parkland, California. It ends in
Fort Wayne on March 31st with a Hamilton, Canada
three days later. And that appears to be all
the tour as of date. He is 150, so he probably
is not going to tour more than that. This is
Gash Ruketine, and that was your music news.
If it's too loud, you probably have ear damage,
just like me. Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob from Wheatland,
Missouri, home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway
and beautiful Wheatland RV Park from the new
Duck Barn studio. All right. Rob, we turn it
over to you. Cool. Okay. So imagine you're going
to work on a perfectly normal morning, coffee
at hand, Spotify playlist doing its thing, eventually
preparing to pretend you love being at the bank
again, or I guess wherever you work. Okay. Thank
you. what is going on in North Carolina wildlife
officials did chime in all calmly like this is
a Tuesday for them I do, too. That was pretty
cool. Thank you, Rob. You're welcome. There's
EV driver issue, warning issues about troubling
trends in the U .S. roadways. A Facebook post
from a Mustang Mach -E owner, which is the electric
Mustang. Owner is gaining traction online after
describing a string of unprovoked harassment
and even property damage directed at electric
vehicle drivers. The post shared in the Mustang
Mach -E owner's Facebook group has sparked a
larger conversation about why some people still
respond with hostility towards EVs. In the post,
Mach -E driver Cesar Alf describes encountering
an EV hater. yelling at him at a traffic light.
He also mentioned a friend whose EV was scratched,
someone scratched the whole side of his car with
a key or something like that in a parking lot.
Damage, he believes, came from jealous critics
of electric cars. Every day, they are less, he
added, focusing on the brighter side of the EV
ownership groups worldwide. The comments revealed
just how widespread and inconsistent these experiences
can be. Some drivers ascribe gas car owners revving
aggressively as they pass or drivers of lifted
trucks attempting to intimidate them. Others
say online forums are filled with people spreading
negativity about EVs as a hobby. Well, I don't
get that. I mean, do you? Who cares if it's a
hobby or not? I don't know why anyone would.
I don't think it's a hobby. No, I think what
it is is I think that like people, um think that
there's it's kind of hard to i don't know number
one i don't know why anyone would give a shit
what someone else drives right and especially
if it's a cleaner vehicle i mean i think what
it is is i think people think that these ev cars
were forced down our throat when they should
have been looking at other alternative forms
uh you know that take less power But, I mean,
there's no reason to go after somebody. And the
Teslas are a whole different thing, people doing
shit to them. But plenty of owners reported the
opposite curiosity, support, or no reaction at
all, especially in areas where half the vehicles
on the road are already hybrids or fully electric.
This kind of hostility has real consequences.
Harassing EV drivers or vandalizing their cars
can discourage new buyers and slow the shift
away from gas and oil. Transportation is responsible
for more than 16 % of global carbon pollution.
This is a huge problem in America. The people
that can't handle someone having a differing
opinion than you do, you need to cancel them,
is a completely sick idea. I agree with that.
Too many people in America have lost their let
it be, I guess. You know what I'm saying? They're
like, okay, they're not like me. I don't care,
though. They don't have to be. To each their
own. Yeah, yeah, exactly. People seem to be,
you know, yeah. People seem to worry about what
someone else thinks or feels when really it's
none of our business. So, anyhow. All right,
that's enough of me on the pulpit. So, Rob, please
go ahead. A raccoon broke into a liquor store
by falling through the ceiling, got into the
bottles, and then passed out in the bathroom.
The animal created havoc in the ABC in Ashland,
Virginia on Saturday, smashing multiple bottles
of liquor on the floor, which it then drank up.
Hanover County is... That's funny. He was simply
released back to the wild, hopefully having learned
that breaking and entering is not the answer.
According to the Independent, Sam Martin was
the animal control at the scene. I personally
like raccoons, she said. They are funny little
critters. He fell through one of the ceiling
tiles and went on a full -blown rampage, reaching
everything. I saw the pictures of the raccoon
laying next to all the bottles. Oh my God, that
was funny. It really looked like a drunken sailor,
didn't it? Just like lying in the bathroom like
a natural man. It's like he knew what he was
doing. Fucking awesome. Thank you, Rob. A woman
in Hopkinsville, Kentucky was expecting a package
of medicine that she had offered. That order
not offered. Okay. You know what? You know what?
Everyone knows I can't read. So there. All right.
So that she had ordered. But when the box came,
she found something very different inside. Two
human arms and four fingers. KSMV TV. Oh, shit.
I know. KSMV -TV reported that the woman contacted
911, and the Christian County Coroner, Scott
Daniel, Daniel responded to the home and gathered
up the unexpected parcel, and the body parts
are being dispatched to the correct recipient,
but it's unclear, in this case, who that recipient
was. I would say some sort of a medical facility,
but they didn't say. So that's all I got on that
one. I thought that was an interesting story.
There's really not much more to report on that
except that. So, all right, Rob, you got something?
Yeah, give me just one second, brother. All right,
that's cool. Do you want me to go into another
small story or keep going? Yeah, go into another
small one. I just need a second. Okay. Hillary
Martin of Orange County, Florida, has filed a
lawsuit against SeaWorld Orlando following an
incident that happened in March. Click Orlando
reported, Martin is seeking $50 ,000 in damages
after she was struck by a duck, Rob, riding a
Mako roller coaster. She didn't even know ducks
like roller coasters, she said. Martin said the
duck flew into the coaster's path and struck
her in the face, causing her to lose consciousness.
She claims the park created a zone of danger
by placing the ride near a body of water. No
word on the duck's condition or injuries. I think
that that is bullshit. It's a bullshit lawsuit.
How can anyone fend against some sort of wildlife?
you know being in the air at the time you're
on a roller coaster you can't you know you can't
predict that and you can't stop that so i don't
think she's going to win unless they uh they
buckle sea world buckles and says just give her
the fucking 50 000 to get rid of her that's always
possible but i think that is one of those litigious
lawsuits that just needs to be thrown out actually
but it probably won't So there, you see. All
right. You got something, Rob? Yes, I did. All
righty. We are waiting. Not to put pressure on
you, but we're waiting. I've kept you waiting
for a couple weeks. I'm sorry. It's okay. Dude,
dude, it's okay. If you heard the solo cast,
they even made a little fun of you about the
Internet. Did you hear the solo cast? Actually,
I have. Oh, okay. I'll have to listen to it.
It wasn't anything much. I was just poking a
little fun at you. But anyhow, no, it was okay.
You got it all figured out, whatever. You know
what? I did a solo cast, and Topher and I did
a couple of shows, so it was fine. where he's
incarcerated. She's followed the same procedures
she did in previous visits, she said, and wore
the same kind of leggings she usually wears to
the prison. Oh, okay. She'd gone through the
body scanners with the piercing before. It's
unclear why officers only flagged her this time.
They suspended her visiting privileges for six
months. Her wedding would have to wait. Attorneys,
advocates, and legislators say they have repeatedly
heard stories like Gettler's since earlier this
year when New York State Prison Agency started...
And what? Sorry, I had a cough. Okay, I thought
it cut out. No, no. The agency implemented the
body scanning policy shortly after a two -week
corrections officer strike in March. Advocates
say they started hearing high numbers of complaints
over the summer. The scanner Okay. I'm still
getting over that crap, dude. Oh, okay. Gotcha.
I'm still buying that, too. Wow. Okay. The scanner
rollout was one of the striking officers' demands,
and at reducing cavity searches and alleviating
what they described as high numbers of visitors
smuggling drugs and other contraband into the
facilities. Officers themselves are a steady
source of contraband, and most New York State...
Okay. Okay. Uh -huh. Okay. Um... Okay. body scanners.
Instead, it's in a statement detailing its visitation
and male security policies. Car commands such
as drugs and weapons contribute to violence in
prisons, the statement said. Uh -huh. Okay. But
if they can prove it's tampon or piercing, come
on. I know. Yeah. I agree. Yeah. I agree with
that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's other things
you can do. I agree. Yeah, I know. Well, I...
Yeah. It's pretty simple. Okay. All right. Well,
do you want to keep going or do you want to call
this a show? All righty. Okay, yeah. I said that
because your voice sounds like it's starting
to get a little... Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, it
sounds like you're getting better. That's the
main thing. Yeah, I am. I am. Okay. All right.
Everybody, thank you all for listening. I'm not
saying any goodbyes anymore, like, you know,
to anybody. Grandma Opal's going downhill. I'm
just not even going to talk about it anymore.
Jimmy doesn't want to talk about it, so we're
respecting it and everything. Yeah, I told him
that. So, anyhow, everybody, thank you for listening.
Good night, assholes. Thank you, everybody. Good
night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the show's
over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't
afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll
be back invading your ear holes soon.