Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
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If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
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Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
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finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. And now we
look in on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could you please
put my plain bread in a small countertop appliance
with heating elements that would spring -loaded
and would brown my bread adequately? Well, first
off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over there
sitting at the table having a drink. Second off,
are you talking about someone toasting your bread?
Why, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread
being toasted. Then why don't you just ask for
your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? What
the hell's wrong with you? Miss Gulkenstein was
tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of her.
Little did the douchebag know Ms. Gilfenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob the Capuchin Monkey tries to sell the
rest of the Capuchin Monkey's Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a Diamond Status Amway
as a Capuchin Monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Your mama's
so old. When she was in school, there was no
history class. Hey, my fellow heavy breathers.
This is Dash Riptide with your music news. For
a nerd to take center stage on Stranger Things
float at Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I remember
the infamous Kiss float years ago where the large
Gibson guitar on their float was replaced with
a much smaller ugly one. Paul was seen mincing
and bitching. So in other words, he was being
normal. George Thorogood has announced a world
tour. Minus the rest of the world. It kicks off
March 8th, Thousand Oaks, California. March 10th,
Napa, California. March 17th, Kamloops, California.
March 19th, Parkland, California. It ends in
Fort Wayne on March 31st with a Hamilton, Canada
three days later. And that appears to be all
the tour as of date. He is 150, so he probably
is not going to tour more than that. This is
Gash Ruktein, and that was your music news. If
it's too loud, you probably have ear damage,
just like me. Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob from Wheatland,
Missouri, home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway.
Yes, it is official. I live in Wheatland, Missouri
now. Now, but you're not in the Duck Blind studio.
Yet. Okay, we appreciate that, Rob. That is dedication
there, and we appreciate it. All right, well,
I'll get right into it. Viagra appears to help
with deafness in older men, a study just revealed.
And, I mean, it's a great thing because we all
need 80 -year -old men with boners that can hear,
right? Yeah, yeah. It's a better world when that
happens, isn't it, Rob? Yes, it is. Yes. Okay.
Well, a man in Florida was arrested Halloween
night. He was dressed as a prison inmate. He
got a DUI. I wonder if they let him keep his
orange jumpsuit and just said, you know what?
No one's going to know the difference. Just wear
that. You talk about speaking something into
existence, right? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, definitely.
So, anyhow, only in Florida, you know. Actually,
that happened around here. It happens everywhere.
Okay. There was a record pumpkin grown. It was
the size of a tennis court, Rob. But that wasn't
the coolest thing. You know what the coolest
thing was? Yeah, the size of a tennis court.
You can look this up online. Okay. The coolest
thing is it was an Ozzy Osbourne pumpkin. It
had a large painting on it of the Prince of Darkness,
Rob. That is awesome. It is. Look it up. It's
very cool. I just like sitting there going, wow,
that is dedication and love. And they did another
poll. ER doctors say the top fives Thanksgiving
injuries and illnesses are this right here. Number
one are cuts and lacerations, which you could
see, right? You know, cutting whatever up, cutting
pie, whatever. All right. Number two was burns.
Number three, orthopedic injuries. Elderly, usually
not used to different steps. Head injuries are
the next. They're usually in dimly lit hallways
while people are, you know, walking into a hallway
and it's dim. I've done all of this before, you
know, at Thanksgiving functions. And then, finally,
stomach woes. Like stuffing has too much sage,
too much pepper in the gravy or something and
whatever it was, you know. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so
like I said, I've done all of these. Have you?
Yes, I have. Yeah, so I think all those are very
believable. I think pretty much everybody has.
Yeah, I thought that was pretty true, that one
right there. Because a lot of times the polls
don't really reflect common stuff. I think that
was pretty close. Well, if you take about after
we have a big deal like that, a big family, we
all kind of go out for a walk. You know what
I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Fall down in a ditch or something.
Yeah, you're right. So. That does happen, you
know. Every now and then the gravy doesn't agree
with you, you know, and that does happen. That
does happen. But, you know, if you feel that
gurgling going on and it's too intense, you go
and excuse yourself. You know, you go, oh, I'm
sorry. I forgot. I left the stove on at home.
I got to get home. Then if you shit your pants
on the way home, no big deal. At least you didn't
do it in front of family, right? Right. Yeah.
So, all right. The other day. I saw a friend
at CVS buying a $40 colon cleanse. I saved him
a lot of money. I told him about the $4 .99 meal
at Taco Bell. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He was very
happy. He's like, man, this stuff tastes better
than colon cleanse, and it works better, too.
I'm like, there you go. And I want to get your
opinion on this, Rob. Hey, that's what you call
natural medicine. It is. It is. And it's pretty
good, too. I mean, if it's done right, Taco Bell
is still not too bad. It's just, yeah, Taco Bells
are kind of like church's chickens. If you find
a good one, it's really good. If you find a bad
one, it's unedible. And it's that kind of thing.
So, in my opinion. I want to start an online
petition, Rob, and I want to see what you think
of this. It's demand to have Patrick Mahomes
grow his mohawk back. I think he's like Goliath.
The hair gets cut, he loses his superpowers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he needs that. He needs
that. Okay, we made a run today, but it's busy
today. But I kind of kept up the game a little
bit today. Yeah, something needs to happen. I
don't know how many times. you can get near the
end zone and not do a fucking thing. How many
times can you get right next to the end zone
and not do a damn thing? It is ridiculous the
amount of times. The first one was, you know,
Mahomes wasn't near the end zone, but that interception
was horrible. Again, I mean, he did come back
and make some plays to win the game, but that
right there was horrible. That is an inexcusable
interception. But this game, we outgained them.
We just outplayed them in every facet. But we
could not get any clarity on a win until overtime.
Yeah. I mean, 23 -20. We should have scored well
over 30. I mean, Kareem Hunt had the fumble.
Mahomes had the interception. So, I mean, if
you look at it like that, we're probably lucky
we got a win, or maybe not lucky, but maybe,
you know, it took a lot of grit and guts to go
ahead and get the win out of that big fuck -up.
So, we'll see. I mean, are the Chiefs starting
to wake up? My personal feeling is no. No, that
game didn't look very much better than any other
game we played this year. We just happened to
come out on top on one of them. They need to
get their head out of their ass if they're going
to go anywhere this year, but I'm kind of like
this. If we don't make it, I can't get mad at
them. The body of work has just been insane.
Yeah, I'm not running away. You hate the way
they play, but you love them as a team, and I've
been hating the way they played, including today.
I mean, I know they gutted out a win. They, I
don't know. Their heads are just up their asses
is all it is. Yeah, they've got, I mean, it might
be better, in my opinion, and I know people are
like going, no, no, no, you need to go to the
playoffs every chance you get because you may
not get there again. I think on a team that has
Mahomes and supposedly all these playmakers,
right, I think that the whole thing is right
there. Maybe if they sat at home in January instead
of going into February, maybe. Maybe they can
think about it. Maybe they can come up with some
answers. I mean, right now. Yeah, yeah, you know.
And maybe they need that initial shock, like
you're not going to the dance, guys. Yeah, we
know, we know. You're at every Super Bowl for
the last three years. We know this. We know this.
And five out of six years, we know your team
was in the Super Bowl. Yes, we know all this.
But this year, you're not even going to the dance.
That might be a wake -up call. Or maybe not.
But all I know is this song and dance you're
doing right now is getting pretty fucking old.
Yeah, it's going to cost them five grand a pop
just to be at the dance. Yes. And that's in the
nosebleed section. I would never pay for the
dance. Even if I was filthy fucking rich, I wouldn't.
It's a rip -off to me. Complete rip -off. Let
people that have more money than brains fucking
do that. All right. Wisconsin man threw a beer
bottle at a bartender because she turned off
Black Sabbath in favor of Christmas music. Randall
Kershaw is a bonafide hero. He alertly identified
the issue with the music and took action to discourage
that type of behavior. Agreed? Yes. I agree.
Randall Kershaw, thank you. And if you ever see
that happening again, immediately, immediately
hit them with a club. We're not even Thanksgiving
yet. Yes. Yes. It's got to be Thanksgiving before
they even think about squeezing out some Christmas
music. Sorry, not sorry. Exactly. That's why
I do a lot of the light shows, you know. It started
Thanksgiving night. Yeah. Like the Plaza, Thanksgiving
night. Yeah, yeah. Then you can start playing
your Christmas music. Right now, no. Not the
week before. Right now is that weird time between
Halloween and Thanksgiving. It's not Christmas
time officially yet. So just calm down there.
Yeah, because actually, That's right. In your
loincloth, right? No, not allowed. Oh, damn it.
The VFW denied it. Yes, we're getting married
in a VFW that my family is known for. Okay. Were
you going to dress up like the Village People
Native American guy in the loincloth and all
the face paint and all that, but they said no?
That's what you were going to do, wasn't it?
Well, no. It wasn't them that said no. It was
the princess. Oh. She has her own dreams for
this wedding. And I'll tell you all about it
later. Off there, off there. has been under fire
for the penalties and botched kicks from the
Chiefs. He recently went off about the president
not caring for the new kickoff rules, like most
NFL fans. Mr. Tobe, no one wants your opinion
on anything political. Could you please shut
up and actually coach these players before you
ruin them? Please and thank you. You're the best.
Fucking idiot. Or better yet. Actually, I've
got a better idea. Yeah. There you go. Do your
job, Mr. Tobe, and shut up. Yeah, good point.
Well, Dave Tobe is... Pretty much an idiot, in
my opinion. It's not about Trump. This isn't
a pro -Trump thing, an anti -Trump thing, or
nothing at all. It's about trying. What he is
doing is classic heat reversal. And this happens
all the time. Everyone's looking at him going,
what happened to your players? How come they're
making all these penalties and losing us these
games? And then he's like, well, Trump said that
he didn't like the kickoff rules. It's like,
shut up. That has nothing to do with a damn thing.
What this has to do with you doing your fucking
job. If you can't do your fucking job, then step
down, Mr. Tobe, and shut up. Yeah, the problem,
honestly, in my mind, the problem with the Chiefs
this year, they're too distracted off the field.
It sure looks like it. It sure looks like it.
Yeah, yeah. Chelsea has Taylor. Yeah, they're
just too damn distracted. Well, tell me this,
okay? Then you got Rasheed that's fighting court
battles in Texas. Yeah, Rasheed had 141 yards
today in the catching. No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's a good start, but... They need to get to
where they can turn these into seven points,
not three points. Kareem Hunt had 104 yards on
the ground. Okay, but he got a touchdown. That
first touchdown was taken back. That first bat
is Dave Tobe. You and him both need to go plant
residence in Denver and go ruin their team. Assholes.
Let's move on. You're coming in tonight? No,
I'm just fed up with certain things. I know,
I know, I know. Especially when it's simple shit.
Yeah, and what I'm not doing anymore is I'm not
pussyfooting. If I think something sucks, I'm
going after it, and I'm not fucking shutting
up. I don't care, and I'll call anybody out.
Chris Jones, you're another one. You're another
problem. You've got to get your act together,
and if you don't, then just step down. Let someone
in there that can do it. Bottom line. So, all
right, let's see here. Now, let me find some
of this other stuff I was doing before I got
distracted there. I don't know what I did with
it here. That's what I get from... I'm on it.
Yeah, it's okay. Anyhow, let's... A New Hampshire
man is getting sued because a colleague that
kept stealing his lunch had to go to the hospital
with severe burns to his esophagus and throat.
The man with the burns allegedly... Yes, yes.
A New Hampshire man is getting sued because a
colleague that kept stealing his lunch had to
go to the hospital with severe burns to his esophagus
and throat. The man with the burns allegedly
stole the other man's food numerous times, and
the man with the food was sick of this behavior
when he decided to get even. Okay, so you're
with me, right? This guy's stealing his lunches,
okay, at work. Okay. All right. Okay, right there,
right there. Self -defense clause. Yes. You're
stealing my shit. That's self -defense. I think
so, too. So let me finish here, and then I want
to get your opinion. Okay. The man went to the
deli. He always went to for lunches, and he had
them prepare two meatball subs, one regular and
one with ghost pepper and Carolina Reaper peppers.
He left the scorching hot sub in the work cooler
for the thief to steal. The thief ate a few bites
and fell on the floor and needed immediate medical
attention. The man will have to have several
operations to try and repair the damage caused
by the hot food. So, Rob, are you still saying
that or not? Okay. If the dude's stealing, you
get what you get. That's the way I think, too.
If you don't want that to happen, don't steal
the dude's food. Yeah, just saying. Hey, I think
it's awesome. I mean, and also, you... I don't
think he deserves going to court over it. No,
no, I don't either, but I can tell you right
now... Hopefully the judge will understand. Hopefully,
I mean, yeah, I think that the guy definitely
has a defense. You know, the guy keeps stealing
his lunch. We'll see how it rules because it
may go to a jury. And we all know juries are
dumber than fucking rocks. So we'll see what
happens. Yeah. I don't know. In that case, hopefully
he'll get some down to earth people that's had
their lunches stolen before. I did buy a homeless
guy. You got 30 minutes. Where are you going
to go to get something for lunch, you know? Uh
-huh. Yeah. No, true, true. You're right, Rob.
So, anyhow, let's go ahead and turn it over to
you, and then we'll come back with some emails
after you're done. Sound good? I mean, after
our break. I can believe it. Okay. Yeah, I do
too. It would be more like Night Court. The show
Night Court. Yeah. He agreed to a six -month
unpaid suspension followed by a non -revocable
resignation. Okay. Why is it a six -month delay?
That's weird. But, no, that wasn't the main purpose
of that. No, but I see what you're saying, and
it's true. It's like, why the delay? I don't
know. Yeah Yeah Something yeah, yeah something
like that I hear you Yeah, yep Yeah I would agree.
I need to be more like Nightcore. For sure. Okay.
Okay. All right. Thank you, Rob. Hey, I got a
question. Yeah. Have you heard about the Great
Lock -In? No. Well, let's have the new guy earn
his money. All right. I know, I know. Look. He's
surly, he's pissy and everything, but look, you
paid him and I gave him pencil shaving, so we're
going to have to use him, right? Yeah, we got
you. All right, new guy. Earn your money, bitch.
The Great Lock -In is a social media -driven
challenge that took place from September 1st
to December 31st, 2025, and encouraged people
to intensely focus on specific personal goals,
such as fitness, finances, or mental health.
During the last four months of the year, the
goal was to build momentum and habits to carry
into the new year rather than waiting for January
1st. Hey, you yankers. We often think many things
are just true because we've heard it our whole
lives. That's why here at Two Douchebags and
Microphone, we developed the segment, Not True.
We investigate and uncover the real truths of
what happened. We've heard for years that Einstein
was so intelligent he could not figure out how
to tie his shoe. The fact is, he disliked wearing
socks. He would put socks over his shoes to avoid
tying them. He believed tying shoelaces was an
incredible waste of time. So were Crocs when
Einstein needed them. Yes, it's true. Mark is
an old bastard. It's also true that Mark uses
a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell
you... If you see any pictures of him roofing
ibuprofen, it's obviously fake, and you're to
take the pictures and tear them up immediately.
The following is a parody. A parody, and nothing
but a parody. So don't get your panties in a
wad. Well, hey there, fellas. This is Lil Skippy
Bayless, and I like to say that I am a jealous
little bitch, and I only mouth off about my homes
and the Chiefs is because I have to latch on
to something relevant as an attempt to make me
relevant. but it isn't working. Well, I gotta
go. I have a new Dak Prescott poster I need to
run one out to. See ya! Hi there. This could
be Dave Tobe from the Kansas City Chiefs. If
I am indeed Dave Tobe, I would like to tell everyone
that the botched kicks and penalties are all
the fault of Donald Trump. I do look to be in
high demand in offseason. High school coaching
is where it's at. Peewee League not included,
but I might have to work my way up. Chiefs fans,
get your shit together. Cast Sherwood R1, here
I come. Next up, things overheard in hell. The
24 -7 Jerry Lewis telephone is coming right up.
This here podcast has Mark's personal stamp of
approval. The only problem is Mark likes to spit
on his stamps, and he's a horrible enemy. Two
douchebags, a microphone, and an effort to keep
everything fresh. We offer you first world problems.
My 76 -inch smart HDMI, triphonic, stereo TV.
My remote won't work unless I'm right in front
of it. I can't believe it. This is bullshit.
You watched the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse
inevitable? We suggest you download all our podcasts
beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers.
We have the post -apocalypse. Morse code is an
essential must -know post -apocalypse. Go to
a library or look it up online. Learn Morse code.
This code could save your life. Many survivalists
have learned Morse code to alert other dwellers
of possible danger. or where there could be clean
water or their whereabouts. Hey, look! I think
we found land! Oh my god, I think we're safe!
Oh no! It's an island of horrible jokes! My wife
said I should do lunches to stay in shape. That
is a big step forward. Christopher, you were
talking about... brain maturity the other day?
Yeah, that's something that I saw an article
on. A lot of neurologists are saying that a human's
brain doesn't reach full maturity until age 25,
which I thought was rather interesting because
there's a lot of consideration of maturity. when
they're talking about laws. You know, is a person
mature enough? Can they handle this responsibility?
Can they be held responsible for this? It's like
we don't let... That brings a lot of stuff in
question, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. Like we say,
you know, if you're under 18, then your brain
isn't mature enough to vote. But at 18, you are.
But at 18, you're able to fight for your country,
which to me is kind of contradictory. But your
brain isn't mature yet for another seven years.
So can you really make the decision to go and
risk your life for your country if your brain
is still immature? Well, okay. It used to be
you didn't make the decision. That's true. Now
that you do make the decision, that's very much
up for debate because is it legal? Could someone
get out of it with this defense? That's a good
question. That's a good question. There are already
people who are talking about... not making people
under the age of 18 pay any kind of income tax
because they don't get to vote yet, so they are
not represented. Yeah, that's true, and they're
not felons. Yeah, that's one of the big parts
of this country is representation has to come
along with taxation. So if you're taxing a 16
-year -old or a 17 -year -old on their income,
they don't get to vote. That's true. They should
be exempt. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I really, I don't
know, I'm kind of on the fence. I see both sides.
I mean, but then 25, I mean, I think that that
right there would help the conservatives more
than the liberals. Because it's my belief that
people get more conservative the longer they
live. Yeah. And the more they have to lose. Yes.
And the more often random bad shit happens to
them. Yes. Like the old joke is a conservative
is a liberal who's been mugged. And a liberal
is a conservative who's been arrested. That's
pretty good. It just depends on your point of
view. This is Two Douchebags and Microphone.
I am the Mark portion of it, and I am in the
Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri, home of
the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway. You can smell
the oil. for tonight i love it i go in the house
i can't do my stories i'm sitting in a truck
i'm nice and warm i'm cozy i'm good rob you're
doing fine you sound great for being out in the
douchebag mobile so Yeah, very easily could be.
I think I get a chance to relax. I'll be all
right. Yeah, probably. You've been burning candles
at not both ends, but five ends. You know, I
mean, you're stretched to nothing, so. No, I'm
the cat of nine tables at this point. Yeah. Yep.
All right. You want to go into some emails? You
know what, the first one I think, no, I'll go
ahead and do it right now. All right, it's kind
of a long one, but, you know, normally I wouldn't
cover this, but I know this guy because he always
is kind of a smartass, and he contributes to
the show quite a bit, Monty in San Francisco.
He's been on quite a few emails. Yeah, Monty.
Yeah, he hasn't been in any for about a month
and a half, but he's kind of got a serious one
here, so we're going to go ahead and try to accommodate
him. I'm going to tell him what I think, and
I want to hear what you think. Okay, that sound
good? He's probably been busy like the rest of
us. Yes, I'm sure he has. Okay, it says, hey,
Mark, I know I've been a smart ass and asked
for biscuit recipes and such in the past. That's
right. Yeah, that was one of the very first recipes,
biscuit. Okay, all right. I have a real question.
I trust your advice. Here it goes. I have a type
A personality. I get very angry quickly, and
this behavior has led to my wife rethinking our
marriage. I almost got shot, and I had my foot
ran over by a frightened punk. I really need
some advice on how to control myself, Monty in
San Francisco. You know, Monty, thank you for
trusting us. I mean, really. Okay, Monty, I can
only really think of this right here. Before
you cut your life short by a couple of minutes
every day by burning your heart up, getting pissed
off, take a step back and think of the large
picture. Does this matter? We will all die one
day. We will have loves and tragedies. We will
see marvelous things. We will see horrible things.
Do not fill your glorious life up living with
angry moments. Make the best every day by giving
examples, love, respect, and kindness, even though
I tell everybody to go fuck themselves and I
bitch and tell people to go to hell and quit
and leave the Chiefs and all that stuff. We all
do. Yes. We all do. We all do. Yeah, but seriously,
this is make the best of every day by giving
examples of love, respect, and kindness. Your
dog loves you for a reason. Be what your dog
sees. Monty, please keep in touch. Let us know
how you're doing. Rob, go ahead. I want to hear
what you have to say about this. I like that.
You know what I mean? I have learned that lately.
I have come up from where I started when I started
on this podcast to where I am today. I wake up
thanking God, thanking whoever for allowing me
to wake up. I got it. I know. I know. No, I love
that, Rob. I love that. And also, I would like
to... Yes, I know. I know. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yes.
And also, I'd like to add one more thing about
a type A personality, because I am somewhat of
that myself. And here's one of the problems with
type A personalities, and especially if you believe
in the Scorpios like me, as much as you love
is as much as you can despise and hate in the
same sentence. It's a weird deal. I've lived
with it my whole life. I don't know quite anybody
who's quite like that. to my degree and other
people I know that fit the type of personality
this is. And I have to quell myself and bring
myself back every day because I love people beyond
measure. The people I love, I just adore and
I thank God for them every day. But in that same
sentence, I can get so angry, I just want to
destroy everything around. But... The thing is,
is you got to learn how to mediate yourself and
talk to yourself and calm yourself down. I don't
always do it, but I'm 90 % better than what I
used to be. And my aim is to keep getting better
every day. The more I live, the more I see everything.
And the more I realize that none of this really
matters. None of it matters. The only thing that
matters is, is how you love, how you love people,
how you love the earth, how you love animals,
everything. So, anyhow, Monty, keep in touch.
Let us know how you're doing. I hope we helped
you out. Rob had some really good witness here.
I hope I did you some good. So, thank you. We
really appreciate you trusting us, too. So, thank
you, Monty. You're a great listener. We love
you. All right, next one. I would like to congratulate
Rob on his upcoming nuptials. I wish him the
very best. Love you both. Ronnie and Tulsa, the
Tulsa King. He's a great guy. I love that guy.
Rob? Rob, are you there? I guess not. All right.
Well, here, while Rob's going to be calling back
here. Okay, maybe I need to call him back. He's
not calling back. Oh, here we go. Hey, Rob. Hey,
go. Let me put you on speaker. There we go. All
right. You there? Shit happens. All right. Oh.
Okay, Ronnie in Tulsa. What a great guy, huh?
Did you hear what he said? Yes, yes. Yes, I did.
All right. Hey, Rob. What is your middle name?
Benny in Wisconsin. Franklin. There you go. Robert
Franklin Radford. All right. Mark, will you please...
No, no, no. I screwed that one up. Okay, Mark,
will you stop doing this horrible podcast? Please
and thank you. You're the best. Appreciate you.
Clint in Arkansas. He got me pretty good. He
got me pretty good. Wait a second. Clint's back
in Arkansas? That's what he claims. This is really...
Clint? If you keep writing stuff like this, this
is awesome. I like this one. Mark, will you stop
doing this horrible podcast? Please and thank
you. You're the best. Appreciate you. Clint,
thank you. That was great. I'm not going to hide
the Narcan now. Yeah, he must have gotten the
Narcan. I guess so. He's still around. Oh, oh,
oh, oh. Okay, Rob, listen to this. Number one,
do you know where Duncan Lane is? Yeah, it goes
from Westline. It goes from the southeast side
of Westline to south of Freeman. And it's called
Duncan Lane, and it's an old gravel road with
potholes everywhere, deer everywhere, animals
everywhere. A lot of swampy areas. You don't
remember that at all? It's been years, man. Well,
I think you got a hint here, and you tell me
if you do or not. Okay. Hey, Rob, you ever get
stuck on Duncan Lane at 2 in the morning? Just
asking. Anonymous. Somewhere in South Central
Cass County. Speaking of Mitch. Ring a bell at
all? I guess not. Maybe. Okay, hey, Anonymous,
do you remember? I'm thinking this is Mitch.
I'm sure this is Mitch. South Central, Cass County.
If it's the time of taking off? No, no, it would
not. No, that would not be. I'm sure I did. I'm
sure. Fuck, you know us. We were always running
around there. Yeah, Mitch, come on. Give us a
better hint. Every hint you've given us has been
vague and could be anything. So come on, give
us a real one, okay? I was probably really drunk
that night, to be honest. If I was in that part
of the country, I was drunk. I got this feeling
that he's just screwing with us now. You know,
I wouldn't doubt it. I don't know. I will. Mitch
B., come on. Come up with some good stuff, all
right? I mean, I don't know. All right, we're
going to go ahead and go on to the next one.
Mark, will you color your hair pink? Rodney and
Casey. I got it pink right now. You didn't see
it? Shit, Rodney, come on. I posted it everywhere.
You saw my pink hair, didn't you, Rob? Yeah,
I don't know, but I jumped on Facebook a while
ago and see it. Yeah, it was great. I don't know
what you're talking about, Rodney. It's already
pink. There we go. Thank you. I appreciate it,
Rob. Yeah, I was really proud of it. I can't
believe Rodney didn't even notice. That hurts.
That hurts me. I worked hard for Rodney. Get
on our Facebook page. You'll see it. Yeah, I
worked hard for you, Rodney. I did this for you
because I knew you weren't happy with my regular
hair color. Jeez, I feel, I don't know, you know,
I feel, I feel betrayed, Rob. You know, I mean,
he should have noticed. It hurts me. All right,
next one. Can you do a show poll? Who's funnier,
Mark, Rob, or the drywall in the room? Telly
in Tucson. All I got to say is I hope the drywall
doesn't get a big head and get surly like the
new guy. Right? Go ahead. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Yes.
Oh, speaking of plaster. Oh, I got some. Yeah.
Boy, you put a nail in anything. Okay, you know
what? Well, I can tell you right now. I need
to do some research before I go ahead and talk.
When you go to break it into a 100 -year -old
house into the walls, you're going to notice
there's shredded newspaper in there. That's what
they used to use for insulation. It's the weirdest
thing. Oh, I know. And then, whenever you're
in there in the shredded newspaper, be careful
for spiders. Especially brown recluses. They
love that paper. They love to entwine themselves
in there. And like I spoke about, I think, last
podcast or the one before where I almost stuck
my hand in them when I was cleaning out the hot
tub. They are recluses, but they will sting you
if you put your hand near them because it's just
self -defense. You know, they're like, hey, this
guy's going to kill me. I got to stop him. I
learned this the hard way. I didn't get stung,
but man, I almost did several times when I was
digging into my old house that I sold. And I
was doing some work. And Bob, he's since passed
away. He's like a second father to me. Love the
guy. Bob, love you. So anyhow, he's the one that
explained to me. He said that they used to not
have insulation. So they used shredded newspaper
as insulation in between the walls. So, anyhow,
but you probably already knew that because you
did a lot of maintenance work, so. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, a lot of, well, many years we did insert,
like fire damage, water damage. Oh, then you
ran across a lot of that. And just remodeling.
Uh -huh. Yeah, it is. Yeah, because of the plaster?
That's just going to chip off. It sucks. And
also, nothing is square. But you know this. Nothing
is going to be square in that house. Nothing.
It's over 100 years old. Everything is going
to be in an angle. I already know. I've already
laid vinyl flooring in the dining room. Oh, then
you know. You know. Okay. I already know. Yeah.
But you know what? It turned out good. It turned
out good. It's better than what I thought. That's
good. That's good, because I've got to mess up
my hands on the front porch that I've got to
deal with, but I'll get to that. I'll figure
it out, I think. Oh, I'm just starting. Oh, so
am I. I look at this house here as a 20 -year
project now. I'm just like, yeah, it's a 20 -year
project, okay? That's all. I'm going to be working
on it until about lunchtime at my funeral. That's
about it. Yeah. Oh, all right. That's all the
emails. So, Rob, let's turn it over to you. All
right. I'm going to go into a family I've talked
about before. Okay. That is, yep, I agree. Best
movie ever. Yep. One guy, you would look him
in the eye or say anything, and he would just
scream and go running away. His trousers would
fall around his ankles. He would go running off
and kick the rubbish bin. Cool. yep i don't know
why i just no thank you for the update on that
i mean that's good um yeah i know you've done
it it's been a while but i know you've covered
them a few times yeah his family they trust each
other that's all they know i know it's a real
gate yanked you know yep yeah uh thank you rob
uh very much appreciate that uh you want to take
our second break and i've got a story here with
a jeffy x uh list sound good all right we shall
return here in a few minutes thoughts with mark
if i were floating in outer space if i was to
paddle my arms and legs would i float faster
i may never know our constant pursuit for a real
knee slapper it's strange insults from an alien
real hilarity Mashed potatoes. Be lumpy, runny,
and not flavorful. Oh man, what the fuck is this?
Is this a new feature? What's inside Mark's head?
Sounds stupid to me. If you took my first name
backwards, it would read as Cram. Hey everybody,
this is Uncle Rob. I'm gonna give you some tips
for life. The title of a kick in someone else's
name, as long as you get busted, is not yours.
Rule number two, shoot angles complementary to
your length and girth. Rule number four, no propping
of the leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very
important. No one gives an ounce of shit what
you had for breakfast. Not even the person on
the other end. You look like a mentally slow
driv yelling into thin air all through the store.
I pray that Bluetooth shorts out and blows up
your eardrums. What men consider self -centered
dunce. Monty constantly coddled this dummy and
it fucking shows. Go look back home and bore
your dog. Wait, you probably forgot the thievin'
because you're too busy looking in the mirror
all day. Fuck off. And now we look in on the...
adventures of the technical explanation guy.
Slash was on Eddie Trunk's Trunk Nation the other
day. Eddie asked Slash if they plan on doing
any U .S. dates next year. Slash's reply was
yes, we are doing a U .S. tour next year as well
as another album. He said they have more than
enough material for a full album. This is great
news for all the Guns N' Roses fans, including
myself. Sir, I see your qualifications here.
May I ask some further questions that could help
me determine your employment eligibility? Yes,
sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here, we
have a large population of different ethnic backgrounds,
sexuality, and ages. Are you by chance bilingual?
Well, sir, I'm not sure why you need that kind
of information, but, well, it was only one time
in summer camp. I considered it experimental.
Two douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark here
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Rob in Wheatland, Missouri,
home of the magnificent Lucas Oil Speedway and
the douchebag mobile for the evening. It's like
a Wi -Fi. There we go. I've got a story with
the Jeffy X list, so let's go ahead and get to
it. Johnsonville has a new Dr. Pepper flavor
brat. I bet it's really good. It sounds good,
doesn't it? I need to locate them at the store.
Oh, wait a minute. Hey, looky. It's a Jeffy X
list of brat flavors that have failed. How about
that? I know, JVX, he always comes up with his
stuff. He's awesome. He's our sleuth on a mission.
He is constantly going in and finding these product
trials and these focus panels. And he brings
us back everything that's failed because he's
that good. He has to go into skies. He's been
shot at. He's been stabbed. He's been lit on
fire. Everything. I mean, he's been through it
all. And Rob loves him so much, and so do I.
But Rob, who is an expert embroiderer, he embroidered
him some Jeffy X underwear, Jeffy on the back,
X on the front, with a pouch on the front of
his underwear on the inside that they call a
Stephen Piercy of the Glam Band Rat pouch. And
that is to where you can put a couple of socks
in there. Supposedly, Stephen Piercy used to
do that to look better on stage, a little bit
more bulky down there. But we're pretty sure
Jeffy doesn't need it. But Rob went ahead and
put that in there for him. He made him a flying
bat suit, which got him out of some trouble because
that's when he got lit on fire. And he jumped
in the, you know, the flying bat suit got him
out of there. And then, of course, the Sgt. Pepper
outfit that he refuses to take off because he's
a huge Beatles fan. And it was white, of course,
looking like Sgt. Pepper's, you know, white suits
that they wore on the album. But now it's black
because he refused to take it off. But never
fear. Rob has embroidered him seven, one for
every day of the week so he can wash them starting
after Christmas, right? Thank God I did it before
I decided to get married. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
I've been busy since. Yeah, and Rob has some
videos up. He is an expert embroiderer. Rob embroidered,
he does this with his loincloth, and he can do
it with his toes. He can embroider with his toes.
But the thing is, is the video that he captured
on YouTube, well, it got taken down because,
well, let's just say it was a little drafty when
he was doing that, right? Yeah. Yeah, that loincloth.
Yeah, yeah. And the camera angle. And the camera
angle, too. You didn't realize it was going to
be that low. Yeah, so. They took it straight
down. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I tried. Yeah, so.
Anyhow, and me, I'm a simple man. I gave him
$2 ,500 to either buy something for his mom or
hookers and blow, and I didn't ask him which
he did. None of my business. All right, so. With
a list of flavors of the new brat flavors that
have failed is, the first one was Wasabi Mayo.
I think that sounds good. What do you think?
Sounds good to me. Yeah. Oh, I don't know what
they're freaking out about. Wasabi Mayo sounds
great on a brat. Or in a brat. SpaghettiOs? Didn't
go over well. Who doesn't love the chef? He's
the chef. Oh, come on. The Chef Boyardee. The
best chef ever. He's got to be great. Yeah. I
mean, he's got it. Yeah. Could you imagine? Yeah.
And he's the greatest chef ever because look
at how fat he is. Right? Only good chefs are
fat because they eat their own food. Skinny chefs
never trust him. It's bullshit. There's no such
thing as a skinny good chef. All right. Next
one. Cotton candy brat. Yeah, I think I'd have
to agree. Yeah, they got us on that one. All
right, they won that one. The next one, I think
I'm going to have to say a solid no to, but I'll
listen to what you have to say. Gummy worm. No.
Yeah, I'm saying no. No. Brats are not meant
to be chewy. No, no. No, I agree 100%. Thank
you, Rob, for backing me up. The next one would
be maple syrup and marshmallow brat flavor. I
don't know. That might be good. Maple. Yeah,
that might be. Definitely a maple syrup. Yeah.
Marshmallow. I don't know. The marshmallows.
It might. It might very well with that salty.
Right. The sweet and the salty just might kick
it off perfectly. Exactly. The next one, I'm
going to have to agree with this because I cannot
stand fish. I detest fish, especially seafood.
Tuna casserole brat. You too? You agree with
that? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is not,
no. That doesn't register on my anything. That's
not anything. It's not food. It's nothing. Tuna
casserole brat should be banned forever. The
next one would be pickled egg. Yeah, I think
I'd have to agree with that one, too. Yeah. The
next one, this goes in line with what I said
before. All right. Pickled egg. Oh, no, no, no.
Sardine and mustard sauce. Sorry. I agree. Nope.
Nope. The next one. Oh, I really agree with this
one. This is a solid note for me. Clam chowder
brat. I agree. And then pumpkin spice latte brat.
Depends. I mean, sometimes you're in the mood
for coffee and a brat, right? You can mix them
all, right? It doesn't matter that much, does
it? I mean, just as long as, you know, they do
the latte and they don't, like, grind up brat
and throw it in your latte drink. I think that
would suck. But other than that, yeah, you know.
But I think if it's a brat and it has pumpkin
spice latte in it, I think you're fine. What
do you think? You know what? There's too many
other things to eat. Fuck it. No. How about a
peanut butter brat? That could be interesting.
That could be good or horrible. You'd have to
try it. Yeah, it could be good or horrible. Yeah,
that's kind of like a, hmm. It's suspect. Might
be good, might not. Suspect at best, as you say.
Yeah, yes. A sushi brat, I think. I'd have to
agree with that 100%. No, no. Yep, keep that
away from me. No sushi brat here. And then finally,
a kombucha fermented brat. Have you ever had
or smelled kombucha? No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Kombucha, no. No, thank you. Jeffy X, thank
you very much. We appreciate that list. We thank
you for risking your life once again. We understand
that they... that they tore your toenails off
this time, and we're very sorry about that. They're
starting to grow back. So that's the good news.
The bad news is they took, you know, they call
them dykes, those little clippers, and they tore
off every one of his toenails to torture him.
Yeah, yeah, it was bad. I feel bad. I know, I
know. He does this for us. He's such a good guy.
Well, I may make him special. Yeah, yeah. I sent
him a bunch of... That's a great idea. I sent
him toe thimbles. You put them over your toes.
Yeah, yeah. So they'll grow back. He's taping
them over his toes right now to protect how tender
it is when you lose a toenail. Yeah, so hopefully
that works. okay that'll work that sounds good
um just that first thing i didn't realize that
i was drinking shots out of those thimbles and
that alcohol burned him pretty good at first
i didn't realize you know the other day i was
drinking jack out of those thimbles and i didn't
even think about it you know and today i gave
them to him to put on and well it stung a little
it stung a little True. Good point. That would
be sterilizing. You're right, Rob. Good point.
Good point. All right. Do you have anything you
want? I'm reaching, dude. It's been a very long
week. A long weekend. I'm reaching. Rob, I'm
telling you. I'm fighting to finish this. Like
I said, I'm sitting in the truck, dude. This
is heat service. I got a request. I forgot. I
just found this right here on my computer. It
was actually an email. Okay. Someone's bitching
because we do not include Lick Skillet, Missouri.
I looked it up, and yes, it is a town. Yeah,
I looked it up. It's true. It is a town in Missouri.
It's called Lickskillet. Yeah, I just never thought
about it or ran into it or whatever. So I cannot
remember the person's name because I had it jotted
down on my computer, but I forgot to put the
name. So whoever you are, thank you. Yeah, that's
going to have to... You cannot take it from my
blade. No, no. Lick skillet will do the second.
Yeah, number two. Yeah, number two. And I'm going
to have to redo the douchebag pledge and all
that. So give me a little bit, okay? I really
like the new one. So, I mean, you know... We
are going into the holiday season. Maybe I'll
do it the first of the year. I'm going to be
busy. The first of the year, I want to... I want
to, like, shuffle some things around anyhow the
first of the year, so we'll see. I'll talk to
you about it later, not on the podcast. All right.
All right, Rob, it's 9 .09. You've been the one,
well, today I had a rough day at work, but you're
the one that's got all these hours going on and
marriage and moving and all that, so do you want
to keep going? You got something you want to
talk about, or do you want to go ahead and cut
it? I think you're reading my mind, brother.
All right. Okay. You know, I'm wore out. I told
you about my battle scars this weekend. I'm hurting.
I'm sending it. Yeah, I need to go lay in bed.
Oh, yeah. Oh, Jimmy is requesting prayers for
Grandma Opal. He has not relayed what's going
on. I'm pretty worried about her. We love you,
Grandma Opal. You got prayers coming from us.
What a wonderful woman. We love you. Get better.
We want you to listen to every podcast we ever
do. And that's going to be like for the next
hundred years, right? Very much so. Yes. So,
all right. At least that's what I got scheduled.
Yep. Hi, Hicksville. Hi, Tucson. No, Albuquerque,
Lick Skillet, Knob Lick, all that. anyhow Uranus
alright thank you all for listening I'm just
I'm off of it today I come in here with all this
energy and now I'm fucking flat I'm just yeah
I come in to the podcast I have all this energy
now that I'm just sitting here dude I'm going
down quick me too All right, anyhow, good night,
assholes. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks
like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.