Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. This is Joshua Belmont, your
food for thought man on The Hustle. Today, we
need to focus on the genius Franklin Harris for
inventing the jukebox override. Some dumbass
puts down a hundred on the Melvins to last all
night? No worry, thanks to Mr. Harris. Just put
in a buck a song to override shitty music and
you can be the hero. Mr. Harris, not many stop
to admire your fine work, but we do here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone. Thank you, Mr. Harris,
for being a patriotic, great human being. Hey,
my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash Riptide
with your music news. For a nerd to take center
stage on Stranger Things float at Macy's Thanksgiving
Day Parade. I remember the infamous Kiss float
years ago where the large Gibson guitar on their
float was replaced with a much smaller ugly one.
Paul was seen mincing and bitching. So in other
words, he was being normal. George Thorogood
has announced a world tour. Minus the rest of
the world. It kicks off March 8th. Thousand Oaks,
California, March 10th. Napa, California, March
17th. Kamloops, California, March 19th. Parkland,
California. It ends in Fort Wayne on March 31st
with a Hamilton, Canada, three days later. And
that appears to be all they tour as of date.
He is 150, so he probably is not going to tour
more than that. This is Gash Rooktine, and that
was your music news. If it's too loud, you probably
have ear damage, just like me. Strange, but true.
There are deep -sea fish with transparent heads
and visible brains. The barrel -eye fish looks
like something from an alien autopsy. Its head
is literally see -through, and you can watch
its eyes swivel inside like little green orbs
of doom. Have you ever wondered what something
came about? Have you ever looked at something
and said, Hmm, I wonder what the origin of that
is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you
The Origin Of. The origin of the goatee. The
goatee is a beard style that dates back to ancient
Greece and Rome and is named for its resemblance
to a goat's beard. The goatee has been worn by
many famous men throughout history, including
Uncle Sam, Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock. The
gobham was often depicted with a goatee, and
in medieval and renaissance art, Satan was depicted
with a goatee as well. The goatee became popular
again in 1940s. a defining trait of the beatniks
and jazz musicians. It fell out of favor again
in the 1960s, but became fashionable again in
the 1990s and 2000s. The term goatee originated
in the late 20th century. It was originally called
a goatee. Remember to bleach your Bluetooth after
every show. Two deuce bags of microphone. I'm
Mark here in the Kansas City area at the Talk
is Cheap studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful
angle arm of the Lake of the Ozarks at Duck Black
studio. Whack, whack. For now. For now. Sorry,
it's been a while. That's cool. And I've been...
Yeah, yep, yep. Well, Topher and I are back to
doing podcasts at the City Market, so no big
deal. I put one up yesterday. The Sports Bastards
Music Creeps is going to go up Friday. I got
it posted just waiting, and this will go in in
between. So we've got plenty of material until
Sunday or Monday when we get back together and
do this. So it's not a big deal. Mm -hmm. Yeah,
they've been busy. And Rob is wearing his loincloth
at the wedding. Yes. Yep. And a Tarzan top, right?
Isn't it like, it's like leopard spotted and
it's like a tank top kind of? Oh, I got a little
chimp ready. Oh, good, good, good. Yeah, I got
me a cheetah. Hell yeah. His name's Chester,
right? No? Of course. Okay. Okay. Well, I got
a little something here before we get busy on
everything. Ramon is definitely coming on the
podcast. Topher and I are going to be interviewing
him. But it's not going to be this week. He's
going to be out of town because, you know, family
stuff. But when he comes back the following week,
that Tuesday, we plan on recording with Ramon.
Ramon is the very interesting man that I met
up there at the city market. And he has some
stories about drug cartels, high corporate crime,
and also being part of the high corporate...
staff i guess he he's a very interesting guy
i did a little preliminary interview with him
he's definitely the type of guy that we want
to talk to he's definitely guy the type of guy
that we want to hear his stories very nice man
came up to me very nice shook my hand talked
to me for a while so we are very excited to present
to you here pretty soon ramon and also uh franco
over at Carollo, Italian market there. He's going
to come on the podcast too. He's a huge Chiefs
fan. And him and I have been jawing about the
Chiefs forever now. And finally, you know, we're
like, hey, we're back to podcasting. So, you
know, Franco, you can get away. You can get away
from the business for a little bit. Come on over,
sit down, have a coffee and talk Chiefs with
us. So we're looking forward to that too. Franco
is a really, really cool guy. Um, and, uh, he,
he is one of the people running that fine market
there. And let me tell you something. The pistachio
cake there is fucking, it's like heroin. They
have this pistachio cake at Carollo's market.
Oh my God. That thing is maybe the best cake
I've ever had in my life. That and their lemon
cake is off the hook. It's, uh, almost rivals
the one at Garozo's and Garozo's lemon cake is
insane. And they have the best cannolis in town,
too. Not that they need a plug. You know, they
do plenty good business. They've been around
forever. People know them and love them. But
Franco is going to be coming on this program,
too. Or not this program, but the Sports Bastards
when he gets a chance. And we're ready for that.
So going into the show now, my opinion, Lowe's
is the worst retail store ever. I've had nothing
but bad experience with them for the last four
years. The most recent until now was I buy a
brand new mower from them last year. I think
I probably told everybody about this, but we're
going to go over it again really quick so I can
tell you about the new problem that I have with
them. Okay, Rob? Yeah. Okay. I have them deliver
the Rider to us. It's a Rider mower. Brand new.
Bought it. First off, the mower sat outside for
at least a year and looked tarnished and definitely
not new. The battery was dead, so I called the
Lowe's store. The idiot in Lawn and Garden said
that he couldn't replace the battery. I had to
buy one. I'm like, okay. So I bought a mower.
Everything's supposed to be brand new, but not
the battery? Uh -uh. No, that's bullshit. So
I demand to talk to a higher manager to speak
with, and he said that... the same old i i told
them i needed to return you know he said the
same old so i told him i said all right then
let's do it like this i want to return the mower
i don't like it i also informed them that i would
uh put in a con a contest to my credit card of
the purchase if they didn't let me return it
but they did All I had to do was, all they had
to do was replace a battery and I wouldn't have
bitched about it being old or anything like that,
right? You know, I would have been like, all
right, you guys work with me. You replace a battery.
It may not look brand new, but I know it's, you
know, it's never really been, you know, used
before. It just sat outside. But now knowing
what I know about mowers, I would never buy one
that sat outside ever, ever. because you're opening
up the whole system to different problems like
fuel filter problems, fuel pump problems, all
kinds of stuff, the condensation that gets in
it. So I wouldn't do it now, but I was willing
to work with them, and they would not give me
a new battery for it. So I'm like, all right,
you just take it back then, you idiots. So I
go to Lowe's because of the convenience. It's
one mile away from me, right? And that's the
only reason I've been going to Lowe's. Like I
said, all this is my opinion. You may love them
and you can love them. I'm just telling you my
experiences and my opinion here. So let's fast
forward to current times. I use Lowe's delivery
for some painting and drywall supplies that I
need for a few projects. I have them delivered
to the house. The next day, I get a text saying
it's been delivered. Well, okay, cool, man. That
was quick. Hell, yeah. Maybe Lowe's is on the
inkling. You know, maybe Lowe's is making a comeback
here, right? You know, I'm all happy. Yay, good.
Yeah, they did something good finally. All right,
good. I can get behind them. They're a mile away.
I love it. So, yeah, it was only a five -gallon
bucket of kills and nothing else because I need
to put kills on the ceiling outside on the porch.
Because it never really did get painted. It's
been unfinished for quite a while. So, you know
what I mean? You've got to put kills on it to
kind of even it out when you put the paint and
take some of the stain and stuff off, right?
So they sent me the five -gallon bucket of kills.
But nothing else. I had a bunch of other supplies.
You know, tape, rollers, paintbrushes. sprayers,
all this stuff, right? None of us with it. I'm
like, man, that's weird. So the next few days,
my schedule's just insane between work and other
things that I had to do, the holidays coming
up and everything. So I didn't have time to call
or investigate the bullshit that they left on
my plate, right? So I get another text saying
the next day that I have items in a locker that
I need to get with a code that they sent me,
right? Okay, it says, hey, you have items in
your locker. This is Lowe's. We have items in
a locker. Actually, it didn't even say Lowe's.
It just said, we have items in a locker. Here
is your code. So I'm like, hmm, okay, well, I
didn't get everything, so this must be it. So
I was only familiar with Amazon lockers and FedEx
and UPS lockers, you know. They have them at
certain gas stations and such. It's designed
to stop porch pirates, right? So I ordered something
from Amazon before, and it said, all right, it's
going to be at this gas station a mile away from
you, and it's in this locker right here, number
42, and they're all outside this gas station.
There's a whole bunch of Amazon lockers, FedEx
lockers, and UPS lockers. I said, all right,
Amazon locker number 43, here's the code. I go
over there to the gas station, I put in the code,
and I get my stuff out of there. So I'm like
thinking it's... It's UPS or FedEx, right? I'm
not thinking Lowe's has lockers, right? I never
knew they did, did you? Honestly, dude, you got
me lost. Okay. I live in Lake of the Ozarks,
moving to Wheatland. I'm not in the city. Okay,
well. Yeah, we have Lowe's, but I haven't been
in there in a while. But I doubt if we have that.
Okay, well. I don't know. Probably when you get
to Jeff City, Springfield. Oh, let's see. Bolivar
might have a Lowe's. Let's see. Yeah, Osage Beach
does. Okay, okay. I think maybe Bolivar. I don't
know. I was just in Bolivar the other day, but
I wasn't looking for Lowe's. I don't blame you.
I'm not looking for them anymore either. So it
has a link on it to give me all the info, right?
So the link wouldn't work. So I scratch my head
thinking, was this FedEx that dropped the ball?
Because FedEx handles all the hazardous material
deliveries. Paint is in that category, right?
It has to be handled with somebody with a hazmat
license, and that's only FedEx that I know of
that delivers stuff like that. So I'm like, all
right, it's got to be FedEx. I'm calling FedEx
looking for answers, but they're clueless and
with good reason. I call those in a couple of
days when I have a minute, and they couldn't
find it either. I call PayPal. And sure enough,
Lowe's took out the full amount. So I'm like,
all right, those bastards took out all the money
for everything, and they didn't give me all my
products. So I'm getting pretty pissed off at
this time. Nobody knows a thing. Everybody's
just like they are. Dumbasses sitting there looking
around, you know, typical stupid ass. I go into
Lowe's and question them. A guy comes over and
asks me if they gave me a code. The front desk
there knew nothing. I don't know. You had an
order? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have the number?
Well, I can look it up. So I give him the number.
I don't see it anywhere. Are you sure? Because
this is the number they gave me on here, on this
text. No, no number. So then that's when the
guy came up. He said, you have a code? He goes,
yeah. He goes, that will not be in that system
because this was a delivery. And I said, well,
how can it be a delivery if it's here at Lowe's?
He goes, did you have something dropped off?
I go, yeah. He goes, all right. He goes, most
likely they forgot to deliver it. And I said,
then why the hell am I here? I ordered delivery.
Why didn't they put that back on the truck the
next day and make his happy ass come down and
put it there? I said, I didn't put pickup anywhere
on that. So why is it here? And why in the world
do you send me a broken link that doesn't work?
And why in the hell would you do this to me?
You know, you guys drop the ball on every facet.
And then I come up here and it takes me 20 minutes
worth of bullshit to even get my stuff. And it
takes someone that actually knew what they're
doing to come over here and tell me, oh, the
lockers are right over here. Use your code. All
right, so I'm pretty pissed off, but I'm like,
you know. I hate to break it, but I'm just telling
you that's why I'm moving further into the sticks.
Don't blame me. One of these days I'll be down
there too, but right now I cannot. Right now
I cannot. Look, I mean, there are a lot of different
things going on. I have medical issues. I have
heart issues. I got all different kinds of stuff
going on. My mom does. Val does. So, I mean,
I'm never going to be able to move down there
where I want to. But I might be able to move
down in Cass County where, you know, I lived
a good portion of my life. Because there are
hospitals you can get to quick in Kansas City.
The one in Harrisonville isn't too bad. They
could probably save your life and ship you somewhere
that can really help you, you know. Ship you
back to Kansas City. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like,
okay, okay, he's breathing. Now, send him up
the river here. Send him up there. So, you know.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Belton may be worse than
the Clinton Golden Valley death camp. Oh, my
God. I'm not even going to get into that. No,
no. If I'm in that ambulance and I look up and
I see Belton, I'm like, fuck you guys. No. If
you guys drop me off there. I'm Ubering. I'm
Ubering up to Menorah or St. Luke South. I'm
not fucking with this. So, yeah, they'll send
me out at Belton Research, and I'll promptly
be walking out that hallway, fucking giving them
a double barrel and saying, no, you guys, no,
no, no, no, no, no. I'm calling an Uber from
their emergency room and fucking taking it to
Menorah or St. Luke South or something. So, yeah,
so anyhow, God, I'm getting way off base here.
No, no, no, no, no. Rob, it was very entertaining
what you interject with. I loved it. So it's
fine. I'm just trying to get back on track here.
So I'm done with Lowe's forever now. But you
want to know the capper was that really, really
just fucking steamed me. Okay. I opened the locker.
Okay. And all my paint supplies are in there.
But on top of it is a little mini bag of gummy
bears. Is that their way of apologizing? Yes,
I'm not kidding you. A mini bag. A little mini,
small little bag. It looked like, let me think,
like a Bazooka Joe bubble gum thing. That's how
small, yeah. And it had little mini gummy bears
in there. And I'm like, who in the fuck would
put that on my stuff after they gave me the runaround
for three days? Is this their form of apology
saying, yeah, we're stupid ass? That better be
a 10 -pound bag of gummy bears. And not gummy
bears. Something good. It better be Snickers
bars or something. Gummy bears, fuck them. Yeah,
gummy bears came from the pit of hell. Gummy
bears, you can break up between your grandkids.
Yes, you know what? I take that. I throw it on
the floor. First thing. I take the painting supplies
to the front desk, and I say, I want a refund.
They say, didn't you just come in here to get
them? Yes. What's wrong with them? I said, what's
wrong with them is you didn't deliver them, so
I bought these things from somewhere else. That's
what's wrong. Oh. Why weren't they delivered
with everything else? Oh, the delivery driver
probably didn't see them. Why weren't they delivered
to me the next day? No, our policy is if we miss
a delivery, it comes up here to a locker, and
you have to get it. So that's interesting. I
never saw that anywhere. Right. Okay, so I get
my stuff refunded. On my way out, I go, by the
way, there's a bag of gummy bears on the floor.
You might pick it up before someone steps on
it. And I walked off. So I'm done with them forever
now. Lowe's, in my opinion, all this is my opinion,
okay? Lowe's trumps Walmart as the absolute worst
retailer ever, in my opinion. They are... Fucking
horrible, in my opinion. So I'm never, I'm never
even, man, if I see a Lowe's, I'm likely to fucking
throw up or run off the road. So I got to look
away if I know there's a Lowe's there. I despise
them now. So, you know, I couldn't believe that
they made a mistake in having it delivered. And
then they, you know, it infuriates me that not
only do they make me go get it, but then they
put a packet of gummy bears on top, many gummy
bears, not even a real pack. It's like a three
-cent. Small packet. You know, I broke into the
Kills paint because I only have one day off at
that point. So I had to break into the Kills
paint because it's all I had, you know. So otherwise,
I would have taken that back, too, and said,
shove every one of these up your ass. When you
get done shoving them up your ass, have someone
pull them out and then shove them back up your
ass. At least you got something done. Yes. Yeah.
Well, I got more done today, so. But tomorrow,
the taupe paint, or taupe, I guess is how you
spell it, or how you pronounce it, taupe. Tomorrow,
taupe paint from Home Depot. I already got it.
And they did very well. I got bare paint, which
is great paint. And you probably know that. Yes,
it is. And the taupe was perfect color, like
I wanted it to be, just exactly like I liked
it. It spread on good, and that's going to be
great trim for the house, the taupe. So, and
then all the plastering and stuff and the kills
that I had to do on top is starting to come out
pretty nice. So I'm pretty happy with it, just
lows. So, but Rob, I've got a question, okay?
I might have an answer. Why do they say don't
drown your food if it's already dead? Good question.
Remember I said don't drown your food? I don't
want you to drown in sauce. Well, it's already
dead. Why do they care? You know? Sauce is bad
for you. Oh, is that what it is? I don't know.
I have a clue. Well, I know that red sauce increases
inflammation, and people like me that have arthritis,
it's not good to have too much of it. Which we
didn't cook. Ah, yeah, yeah. Ketchup, pasta sauce,
fuck no. I'm not giving that up. I don't know.
I don't have a clue what that means. No, anyhow.
I've heard it. Yeah, no, it used to be an old
thing. They used to tell kids, don't drown your
food. I wish I would have known back then. Because
I didn't know what the hell they were talking
about. I was just like, fuck you, man. This ketchup's
pretty damn good. I'm going to keep putting it
on everything. Fuck off. Then I discovered pasta
sauce. I'm like, nah, this goes on everything.
Yeah, yeah, you know. And now you wonder why
you're seeing that. You know what? I did paint
that picture, didn't I? Didn't I? Yes. And tonight
was. Oh, I'm dealing with it too a little bit.
So don't worry. You know what? We all do. We
get older and that's the way it is, you know.
But I'm pretty much convinced of this. All right.
I watch people. live so well watch their including
my dad he was a health food fanatic he never
put anything in his body that was bad yeah remember
he used to have all this health food stuff well
he owned a health food store in lawrence kansas
for a while um and he used to eat nothing but
health foods died at 55 in 1993 um yeah did him
no good none Yeah, he'd be like, that stuff's
going to kill you, boy. Oh, yeah, I know. Yeah,
he was a health food freak, that's for sure.
But, you know, I think he took the health food
thing too far. I don't think he believed in taking
statins and all that. And I think that may have
led to some of his heart problems. With modern
medicine, I'm able to put mine off and hopefully
for a long time because we have statins and stuff
like that that can help your arteries clear or
stay clear. And also he had the angioplasty before
they put stents in it. And the reason they started
putting stents in it is because a lot of times
the blockage would come right back. And it would
happen like what my dad was. He went to work
that day, didn't come home. So anyhow, in retail
news, I just talked about Lowe's. Walmart has
decided to close all of its stores on Thanksgiving.
So all of its hardworking self -checkout customers
can be at home with their families. Yeah. I heard
that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know what? You
don't have the option. You can't go self -checkout
for Walmart. You got to stay home with your family.
There you go. So, all right. I've got something
run by you and I want your confirmation or I
don't think you're on to something at Walmart.
Shut up. Okay. I want one or the other. Okay.
So let me run this by you. Okay. I've got this.
It's kind of weird. Okay. I'll explain this.
Let's say you and I are working together, right?
And I say, hey, Rob. We've done that before.
Yeah, we have plenty of times. That's how we
met. That is how we met, yeah. I say, hey, Rob,
could you go grab that box and bring it to me?
It's kind of heavy. Well, that sounds kind of
lazy, right, on my part? I'm standing there,
right? And you're kind of like, you know, you're
like, you'll do it because we're friends. But
you're thinking, why the fuck can't he do it?
How come I got to go lift this heavy thing and
bring it to him, right? Okay. so and i'm the
small dude yeah yeah so let's yes so um okay
so now let's do this rob could you go get that
box and bring it to me it's kind of heavy please
and thank you already that may help rob yeah
yeah you see what i'm saying that's like the
new catchphrase that's like the get by with anything
phrase now Thank you. Please and thank you. All
of a sudden, that seals the deal. And then you
follow it up with, you're the best. It's almost
like doing you a favor. No, no. The one thing
I've been hearing, I appreciate you. Yes, that's
it. Yeah. I appreciate you. Yeah. I appreciate
you. That may be more than you're the best, actually.
You're on to something there with that. Yeah,
you got exactly what I'm saying. They say it
up here, too. They say it up here a lot, too.
Yeah, it's a lot down here. Yeah, yeah, and it's
like a catchphrase to get by with anything. It's
like, hey, could you run a mile over there, pick
up that wheelbarrow, and run a mile back? Please
and thank you. I appreciate you. Yeah, yeah,
I'll go do it. You don't want to, but you got
it. We'll see you down. Actually, I think they
do that here too. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's
kind of like... That's the trick. That's the
trick. Yeah. And that is what nails you right
there is a please and thank you. I appreciate
you. By that time, you're committed. There's
nothing you can do. They got you. Yeah. So...
Yeah. Okay. I just want to make sure that...
Thanks for confirming it with me and people are
probably listening to this going, what the fuck's
wrong with him? But no, I think we're on to something
there. All right. No, we... No, it's true. What's
that other one up in here? There's several. Yeah.
Okay. I go to Casey's. I have this kid that works
nights. Okay. Yeah, it's like, what's perfect?
What do you mean it's perfect? You're that lazy
that you can't ring up one more thing? It is.
It is. Also... That's a great example too, Rob.
You know, up here, here's... It does not happen.
No, no, nope, I agree. Especially in a Casey's
store at night. There's no such thing as perfect
around there. Well, it's a younger generation.
No, I know. And actually, it's... He's like 21,
25, you know. I got you. He's a Z -er. Yeah,
all... Well, also, that's what it is right there.
Okay, up here, here's where I hear perfect a
lot. Let's say you're in a doctor's office, okay?
And you got to give all this information, okay?
And you write it all down and you bring it to
them. And the first thing they say, okay, look
it over. Okay, it looks like everything's here.
Perfect. That's where I hear perfect a lot. Yeah,
until you give your copay. Perfect. Yo, next
time, like, point at him and go, what'd you mean?
Just to freak him out. Oh, have you? All right.
Go. uh -huh Why the hell were you standing there?
Didn't he ever question that? Yeah, yeah, I'd
say. Well, now I can put it all together now.
I got it now. I got the person you're talking
about now. Exactly. Thank you, Rob. No, not now.
That would piss me off so bad because... I mean,
what does that guy think? You know, you're just
standing there looking at... See, I would have
thought he was screwing with me. I would have
been like, ha ha, okay, good one. No, the funny
thing is, to this day, he still thinks he's my
best buddy. Oh, that's even worse. That's like
the midget up in Massachusetts. I just let it
go. I just let it go. Okay, first off, this is
a slightly different thing before we get into
everything else again, but there was this guy
up in Massachusetts when I was working there.
And anyhow, he was a midget, right? And so I
kind of got this little people. Okay. I kind
of got this phobia. They freak me out. They freak
me out. Okay. Okay. Little people. And I can't
help it. They freak me out. And so this guy,
every time he's seen me, I was his best friend.
And I couldn't do anything about it. He'd come
up and go, hey, how you doing, Mark? And hug
me. And I'm like going, I can't help it. I feel
bad, but I got this thing where I just like freak
out. It's like they should not look, you know
what I mean? You know, their body isn't proportionate
and they, you know, and all that stuff. And they
got that forehead thing going on. Nothing against
them. They're great people, you know, but it
freaks me out and I can't help it. He thought
I was his best friend from day one when I was
sitting in a lobby having a yin -ling because
every Tuesday night they gave you free drinks
there at the hotel. So, you know, I was like,
hell yeah, I'll go out there. I'll have some
drinks, right? And he'd come over and sit next
to me the first night I was there and starts
talking to me. And, you know, you can't be rude
to him. I'm sorry. You guys freak me out. Stay
away from me. So I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. So then after that, he thought we
were best friends. And every time I see him,
he'd come up and give me a big hug. How are you
doing today, Mark? Oh, yeah, yeah. I was thinking,
we were talking yesterday about this. Did you
ever think about this? I'm like thinking, fuck
no, I never thought about this. The only thing
I thought about was getting the hell away from
you. But anyhow. Dude, you're like me. Don't
you hate being popular? Yes, yes. I'll tell you
what. It was just kind of like when we were teenagers.
Sometimes it really sucks because you really
want to hurt somebody. Now, if you remember when
we had our hair, we were like the Pied Piper
of teenagers. They would look at us and think,
there's where the party is, and they would follow
us around and be our best friend. I kind of got
used to it back then. It used to annoy me back
then, too. It's like, shit, get away from me,
man. I don't want to discuss whatever you're
talking about. Yeah, yeah, it was you and the
short -haired dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they wanted
to be cool or whatever, you know. Yeah, they
used to irritate the piss out of me, but, you
know, you couldn't go, I really don't need any
more friends. Could you please get the fuck away
from me? You know, but, nah. Okay, so, with Val's
new Jeep, we bought the bumper -to -bumper warranty,
right? We received this letter in the mail. The
letter states that we need to call this number
and add additional information to our warranty,
or otherwise it would be void after a certain
amount of time, right? I think it's like it said,
if you don't call us and answer this information,
we're going to void your warranty, okay? So I
grab the letter and start to call when I get
to thinking. The warranty had already been used
when the Jeep had that computer module issue.
Remember I told you about it? I think I told
you about it on the podcast. Yeah. I used it.
I know that. Yeah, we used a warranty, and the
warranty paid for it, no issue. So I was like,
that does not sound right. I already used it,
but they said they're going to avoid it if I
don't give them certain information. I was like,
I would not have been able to use it. I look
over the letter a little bit better, and I see
at the bottom in the fine print it says, this
is an advertisement used for advertisement purposes
only. Oh, well, fuck. Okay, well, it looked just
like a letter that said, You better call us,
otherwise we have your warning, and if you don't
answer questions, we're going to cut your warning
off, right? That's what it looked like. I know
exactly where you're going with this, Jess. Okay,
many people, especially elderly, would fall victim
to this. I mean, almost did. This company is
fucking evil. I sent a copy of it to the Missouri
Attorney General. I hope they get after these
frauds, because I could see a lot of people.
A lot of elderly especially going, oh, shit.
Hey, hey, hey, Martha, come over here. Can you
call this number? I don't have my eyes on. You
know, I can see that. So, all right. So, anyhow,
Rob, I'm through with gummies, right? I baked
a pizza. I baked a pizza for 400 minutes at 15
degrees, and the bastard came out colder than
when I put it in. Nah, I'm going to stick with
gummies. Yeah. After that, order Domino's. Yes,
I did. No, do not order Domino's. They are too
damn expensive during the week. Really? I didn't
know. Oh my God, dude. Last night. Uh -huh. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of like a casserole.
I know, and it's mushy, and it's not nearly as
good as it should be. Anyhow. The one I get is
mushy. Yeah. For both of them? And that's $34
for just those two? Yep. That's fucking ridiculous.
And there's not much to them. They're small.
Okay, I didn't know that. Wow. Wow. Well, it
was a weeknight. It was a weeknight. Shit is
more expensive off weeknights than it is weekends.
I've already tested that theory. Okay. Yeah.
Order something Thursday night, order Friday
night. I guarantee it's like $10 cheap. Jeez.
Okay. Pizza Hut or Domino's or wherever. Okay.
Anywhere that has delivery, I hear. I finally...
I guarantee you get like $10 cheaper riding through
Sunday. Okay. All right. I'll retest it at 30.
Okay. I believe it. I can believe it because
during the week they get less business. They
have to charge more to keep their doors open.
Exactly. Especially in small areas. Yes. Because
dominoes, although they have universal stuff,
they do. They all make their own rules, because
there's a Domino's up here that has all these
specials a mile away from me, and then there's
one over in Grandview that doesn't adhere to
any of them. They're like, no, we don't have
anything. So, yeah. So, yeah, I can see that.
In my mind, that Tater Tot, that cheddar bacon
Tater Tot, in my mind, should have been like
$7 .99. Yes. Yes. Wow. No, no, no. Wow. Well,
I think, yeah, yeah, basically it sounds like
it. Honestly, Pizza Hut does the same thing down
here. Their price is a lot more expensive. It's
regional in the Lake area because they have to
rely on the people that live there instead of
the people that come there. So, yeah, okay, I
get it. All right, Rob, have you ever heard of
the bird theory? No. Let's have the new guy explain.
That's, you know, he's a dick, but we paid him
already. You want to have the new guy explain?
I enjoyed my vacation from him. Okay. I'm sorry.
Hey, we already paid him. Listen, he is so surly.
I actually like giving him tasks like this because
it pisses him off. Well, hey, you got a good
point. Yeah, he does get a little pissy about
it. As long as he don't take it out on me and
you. Well, you never know with him. He should
have taken it out on the subject, dude. Yeah,
yeah. So, all right. New guy? Have at it. Bird
theory. Explain it, please. Uh, hello. This is
the new guy, and I think I'm supposed to talk
to you guys about the bird theory or some bullshit.
These two guys, they're morons. Can you please
get them to leave me alone? Anyhow, the bird
theory is a viral relationship test that measures
a couple's emotional connection by seeing how
they react to a casual comment about a bird.
The test is based on psychologist John Gottman's
bid for connection research. which suggests that
consistently responding to a partner's small
attempts to connect is crucial for relationship
longevity. A positive response like asking questions
or engaging with a topic indicates a strong connection,
while dismissal or a lack of interest signals
potential problems. There's a video out that
explains exactly what the Bird Theory is as it
relates to Goddam's research on relationship
bids. This would be one bid. One partner casually
points out a bird with a statement like, look
at that bird. The bird itself is not important.
It's a small, low stakes bid for attention and
connection. The response, the other partner's
reaction is what matters. The positive sign,
they respond with curiosity and engagement, such
as asking questions about the bird, sharing their
own observations, or continuing the conversation.
This indicates they are turning toward the bid
for connection. The negative sign, they ignore
the comment, change the subject, or react with
annoyance. This is interpreted as turning away
and can be a sign of emotional disconnection.
Okay, there you go. I hope these fuckers are
happy. Alright, well, um, I don't think he really
cares for us still, do you? Yeah, so, alright,
Rob, let's turn it to you. I'm telling you what
I'm going to do. While you're talking, I'm going
to kick the new guy the hell out of here. He's
such a dick. Oh, he kicked my guitar. That son
of a bitch. Oh, dude. My fucking flying V. It
wasn't the flying V, was it? It was the flying
V. He kicked it. Oh, he's fired. That's it, bitch.
Get out of here. Get out of here. He's fired.
Yep, that's it. Fuck. Man, there's a little boot
mark on there, too. Oh, that pisses me off. Now
I've got to shine it again. Damn it. You know,
when he dies, he's going to burn into hell. He's
going to have to answer for kicking that flying
V, right? Oh, I know it is. Yeah, that's going
to be the first thing they show on his life.
They're going to go, new guy? Yeah. We have some
footage here that's kind of disturbing. What
are you talking about? It appears like you kicked
a flying V a long time ago. Oh, yeah, yeah. But
does that dickhead mark? No, it's a flying V.
You can't do that. You're going to hell. You
know who's going to present him with that? Randy
Rhoades. Randy Rhoades. Yes. Randy Rhoades will
step up and say, dude, you kicked a flying V.
What the hell is wrong with you? Then he's going
to hit that button, that elevator button, boom,
down to flames and brimstone. Yeah, dude. Satan
goes, hey, is this the guy that kicked the flying
V? You're a piece of shit. Burn him up. It's
going to be one of our childhood cartoons. Oh,
speaking of music really quick, I haven't done
this, and I'm probably not going to do it on
the music news, but Richie Blackmore appears
to be pretty ill. He's had a lot of heart attacks.
Yeah, yeah. I was going to go into that. Oh,
okay. We'll leave it. We'll leave it. We'll leave
it for you. Okay. Sorry. No, no, no, no, no.
I figured I'd let you guys go into that. You
know what? I'll just do it on music news. But,
yeah, he had to postpone all of his dates, Blackmore
Night and all that. But I'll have either Dash
Riptide or Johnny Rohypnol or Phineas J. Valtar
as the third. One of those guys will inform you
of everything. Unless a new guy pops up. You
never know. I figured you guys do it on music
groups. Oh, you know what? We did it yesterday
and I forgot to bring it up. No shit. I forgot
to bring it up. Oh well. We have next week. Next
week, Ramon's not going to be in. It'll be the
week after, so we'll have time to do it. I have
a feeling that Ramon's going to take up all our
time when we're up there with this stuff, which
is excellent. That's what we want. So, all right,
Rob, let's turn it over to you. What now? Oh,
I was just going to say, yeah, I think that would
be better for a Music Creeps episode. It is.
It is. I just forgot it. Well, I'm going to try
to get a little... I do, too. And look, it's
preliminary. It just happened the other day.
He started canceling shows. First, it was one
show because of medical issues. Then it was two
shows. And now it's like any show he has coming
up is canceled. What did it say? He was, what,
80? He's 80, yes. Yeah, okay. He's 80 and he's
had quadruple stents in his arteries. Richie,
we wish you the best. We really enjoy your music.
And I've grown to really like you because I used
to think that you were just a complete dick.
But then I realized, you do not like to deal
with idiots. End of story. And they piss you
off. I get it. I turn more and more like that
every second I live on this earth. So I get it.
So Rob, let's turn it to you. Alright, well,
I'm going into music news. All right. One of
my own that I just came up with. Ricky Rocket.
Love the man. Mm -hmm. I do too. I do too. Yeah.
Dude, I did. I've always liked Ricky Rock. I
have. And he got bread on this one, I think.
Yep. Yeah, he did. Yes. Yep. And like Ricky went
on to say, rest of his solo gigs using Poison's
music. And unfortunately, there's nothing they
can do about it. There's nothing they can do
about it. Because it all goes back to who owns
the music? Who owns the name of Poison? All this,
and I have a feeling Bret Michaels owns most
of it. Well, since he's out playing it. I mean,
if I was them, if they could, but here's what
I'm saying here, right here. They could tour
without Bret Michaels as Poison with another
lead singer, but they don't. Why don't they?
I think because I think Bret Michaels owns all
of the copyrights and everything on there. Yeah,
so they're kind of stuck. No, I don't know that
to be true. There's always been a lot of suspicion
about that. Yeah, I, yeah. I see Brent Michaels
down here at Lake of the Ozarks just a few years
ago. Uh -huh. Over at the Horny Toad. Mm -hmm.
And... Horny Toad. Yeah, yeah. Which was, never
mind, I ain't gonna go into, that's a totally
different story. Okay. But anyway, Off the show,
you can tell me. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, his solo music,
there was never anything redeemable in that.
There was nothing. So, yeah, no one would know
it. No. No, it's not popular at all. If he had
to sing his Bret Michaels songs, he wouldn't
sell out five people. Five people would not go
there. I mean, that's the whole thing of it.
He uses Poison's music. So, yeah, I see Ricky
Rockets. Yeah, he's making money on Poison's
name. And nobody else is. They could always do
like a cover band type of thing where they could
call it Poison Overdose. Because that's what
a cover band of Poison calls themselves. They
could do something like that and call it a slightly
different name. And then replace Brett. Yeah,
yeah, that's what I'm saying. I would just replace
Brett. I would too. If you sell to half the...
Let's say you could draw in 10 ,000 people with
all of the original members. With minus Brett
Michaels, I bet you could draw in three or four.
They could probably tour and do okay doing that.
You know, especially like if they're like on
a bill of like a festival or something. They
could get down their little ways and get a chunk
of change. But, you know, I don't know all the
logistics and maybe nobody's really interested.
I don't know. So, anyhow. All right. Thank you,
Rob. Should we take our first break? It's hard
to believe it's our first break, but yes, our
first break. And come back with some emails.
Yeah, we're a little late. We're a little late.
Yes, we did. We missed it. Hell yeah. All right.
We will be right back. I'm pretty sure we will.
Okay. Maybe. Yeah. The boll weevil clap. Read
up on that sometime. The boll weevil clap, and
this old guy that I knew that was in Vietnam,
I probably should say, well, you know what, you
can take this part out of here if you like it,
and we can put it somewhere. But this old guy
that I knew down the road from me, who was in
Vietnam, he told me that one day, you know, him
and a couple of guys got a day off from the war.
So they went into the nearest town to go look
for some hookers. You know, they're like, you
know, if we're going to die, we're going to get
laid. So, okay. All right. So they go in there
and I guess the Viet Cong loaded the prostitutes
full of this stuff called the boll weevil clap.
Yeah. Oh, it is. So anyhow, he said, you know,
they all went and, you know. did what they needed
to do you know they thought they're all gonna
die so they went and they got laid and next day
when a guy comes in he goes oh my god he goes
i hurt so bad like you know my fucking dick hurts
like hell my stomach hurts i think i'm gonna
die what'd they do with those damn hookers so
anyhow and he started hurting really bad he said
it hurt so bad you could hardly breathe you could
feel it in your dick shaft it was so bad so they
all go in And I guess it's like a horrible infection.
And if you don't get it treated, it will kill
you. Like, you know, go up your scrotum and into
your testicles. And anyhow, the only cure back
then was they had to take this glass rod, shove
it in the end of your penis, and mash it with
a rubber mallet. And then you have to physically
squeeze all the infection out of your penis.
I've heard of this. Yes. And this took like four
hours of mashing this rod and then squeezing
all the infection out. Because if they don't
get all the infection out right then... It just
flares right back up. Yes. Seals your pee -pee
shut. Yes. Yeah, that was the old joke of, you
know, if you catch VD, your dick's going to turn
black and fall off. There are actually STDs.
That was the worst case scenario, yeah. It actually
will turn black and fall off because the tissue
will die. Yeah, it's kind of like a Grand Green
type of deal, you know, or something like that.
So anyhow, yeah, he said after that, he said,
no, no more hookers. So. Hey, good kid. No one
gives an ounce of shit what you had for breakfast.
Not even the person on the other end. You look
like a mentally slow driv yelling into thin air
all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts you out and blows up your eardrums. What
men consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look
back home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the theming because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. I just made
a belt out of all my old watches. Wow, that's
unique. Yeah, it was a waste of time. Two douchebags
in a microphone invade your ear holes in... Hey,
who took a dump in the cooler? Slash was on Eddie
Trunk's Trunk Nation the other day. Eddie asked
Slash if they plan on doing any U .S. dates next
year. Slash's reply was yes, we are doing a U
.S. tour next year as well as another album.
He said they have more than enough material for
a full album. This is great news for all the
Guns N' Roses fans, including myself. And now,
Deep Thoughts with Mark. Why can't I use my toaster
to toast ravioli? Or how about marshmallows?
Man, this is bullshit. Yes, it's true. Mark is
an old bastard. It's also true that Mark uses
a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell
you, if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,
It's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. We offer you first
world problems. My new crime series TV show is
going off for at least three months. I can't
believe this. What am I going to do to fill in
the time? Don't these guys think of this? Well,
your wish is coming true. Kansas City International
Airport Guest Pass program is starting today.
Yes, you too could overspend on workless trinkets
and $15 cups of coffee. You want to buy a $50
cheap T -shirt that has KC Western Auto Building
image on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue
sauce gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40
on your first morning. Hurry. You know Rubes
are jumping all over to get to this complete
ripoff. Because people are sheep. Now, from his
underground bunker in Hampton, Missouri, stocked
full of dried goods, canned food, and a couple
of vibrating toys, is Ramblings of a Madman,
featuring Rob Rad. My mechanic told me I couldn't
repair your brakes. So I made you a horn ladder.
Good job. Two douchebags and microphone. I'm
Mark here in Kansas City at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful night alarm
of Lake of the Ozarks and Duck Black studio.
Quack, quack. For now. All right, Rob, we want
to get you some emails. It's been a while. I
don't even remember. Usually I remember a couple
of them. I don't remember any of them. So let's
go. Hey, Mark, how is your acid reflux? I haven't
heard an update in a while. Angie in Omaha. Actually,
it's really good. And I could tell you the two
main reasons. I quit doing ibuprofen, which kills
your stomach, just tears it to pieces. And number
two, I do use some medicine like famonidine and
a little bit of omeprazole. But the main ingredient
is actually not a medicine that helps me. It's
bitters. I use this stuff called Underberg, which
is from Germany. It comes in little bottles.
I take a swig of that, and my acid reflux is
gone. No questions asked. It works so well. And
I heard all my life, this stuff, bitters, works,
and I never would listen. And then finally Val
told me, and then a couple people at work told
me the next day. I'm like, I've got to try this.
Everybody says it works, and it does. And it
works better than any medicine I could ever have.
So it's good now. Thank you, Angie. Appreciate
that. Thanks for checking. Your concern is flattering.
Thank you. And once again, that's somebody that's
worth deep. We have so many. We are so blessed.
You have not talked about that. I tell you, we
have people like, when I accidentally did that
YouTube video, I had it up for five minutes.
I didn't realize it was live live. I was like
going, oh, that's interesting. It said I'm live.
So I'm looking around. I'm like, what happened?
Well, it generated that video in like a matter
of minutes. And then it just put it live. And
I was like, what? Someone caught that in five
minutes before I took it down. We have people
that are really listening to this show and are
fanatical. And we love you guys. Thank you. Well,
you know what? We're fine. We're fine. No, I
want to do it. I want to do it. Cool. All right,
next one. Mark, you can order the cartoon Black
Sabbath coffee mugs online. I sent you the link
below. Jerry in Houston. Jerry, thank you. I
don't have room. I would love to get them. They
look great. I followed the link, and they're
not terribly priced. Thank you, Jerry. I think
it's called Aqua... aqua glassware or something
like it something like it you can look it up
online so yeah thank you jerry appreciate that
but i don't have any place to put it i can't
buy anything more so all right douches are the
chiefs going to make the playoffs this year tom
in iowa who fucking knows right now i kind of
say no the way they look what do you think rob
I have only caught one half of one game. It was
the third, fourth quarter. And I can't remember
that. And honestly, I have not watched any NFL
other than that half of that game. Because I've
been so busy. That might be part of what's wrong
with my voice, honestly. Probably, you've been
cutting yourself really short. Yeah, so I would
say yes. Yeah, honestly, lately, I've been running
on five, six hours a week. I believe it. Plus
what I do and everything else, yeah. All right,
next email. Who does the music news? Why isn't
country music covered? Wren in South Dakota.
Rob does country music. There's just no really...
I'm on to get back into it. Yeah. I've just been
real busy. You know, I was covering country music.
Yeah. But I just, I met, well, met Princess.
Yep. But, yeah, I've just been busy. But, yeah,
I'm going to get back into the country news.
And me doing it is worthless. With the music
news, I know nothing about it. I leave it to
Rob. Rob knows it. Well, yeah, that. And I'm
going to be in Wheatland, Missouri. My pleasure.
For some, I think. There you go. I'm not really
sure. There you go. Maybe even that. Red in South
Dakota, thank you. So you're going to be getting
some from Rob. Yeah, I will get back on. I promise.
Alright, next one. Rob, how about a Rob Rad calendar?
Maybe you could be wrestling a tiger on one,
walking on the beach. Would he get his nipple...
This is written so weird. Let me try this again.
How about a Rob Rad calendar? Maybe he could
be wrestling a tiger on one. Walking on the beach.
Would he get his nipple pierced for the photos?
Please say yes, Rossington. Rossington, you've
emailed us quite a few times. I think what he
meant was he wants you walking on the beach wrestling
a tiger with your nipple pierced. Is that what
you got out of that? That's what I got. Okay.
Rossington, keep writing. You always send interesting
stuff. I love tigers, you know, big cats. Hell,
better yet, let's make him a black panther. There
we go. He loves big pussies. So there you go.
Yeah. Yes. Rossington, I think you're in Dallas,
if I remember correctly. You didn't put where
you're at on here, but Rossington, you've written
several. It's a very interesting name, so I'm
pretty sure you're the same guy. Sometimes you
use Ross. Sometimes you use Rossington. I think
you're the same guy by the email, and you're
from Dallas, I believe. Thank you, Rossington
or Ross in Dallas. We appreciate the emails.
All right, and finally, Rob, Mitch is going to
be in Wheatland this Tuesday. He didn't want
me to tell you. Mitch said that he was going
to Lucas Oil Racetrack to get the naming rights.
It will be Lake Freeman Volunteer Fire Department
No. 2 presents Lucas Oil Racetrack. Rich, Mitch's
little brother. Good luck with that. Can I add
something to that? I've been there. Good luck
with that. That's all I'm going to say. Rich,
Mitch's brother, supposedly. You're reaching.
Come on. I thought that was a little lame. Come
on. Come up with some better stuff, please. I
don't know. Is it just me or was that kind of
lame? It sounds very lame. Okay. Come on, Mitch
or Rich or whoever you are. Beef it up a little
bit or just don't send anything in if you don't
have something very good. I probably shouldn't.
No, no, no, no, no. Okay. Okay, I'm sorry. I
read that completely different. They were responding
to that. Okay, actually, that was a pretty good
email then. I'm sorry. I apologize. Okay, I stand
corrected. Yeah, don't. Trust me. You do not
want to go up against me on Lucas Oil. They can't.
If they try, they're going to lose quickly. Lebanon
can't even keep up with Lucas Oil. There's a
lot of Lebanon drivers that go to Lucas Oil.
Oh, I'm sure it's not that far. Actually, a kid
that I work with, his mom's over in HR. Oh, okay.
All right. Very cool. I want you to pay for parking.
I'll just walk over there. That's cool. Alright,
Rob, I think you have some stuff you want to
go into. That was the last email. Awesome. My
favorite segment by far. This is interesting.
I like this one. Okay. Yay! Amen. Go, tiger.
Go, tiger, yeah. You steal its fucking baby,
that's what happens. Well, yeah. Cool. Fucking
cool, dude. Awesome. That's a great story. Even
though I misheard it at first, I'm like, okay,
all right. All right. It makes sense. More sense
now. I'm just glad that the tiger got even with
the bastard. Oh, fuck yeah. Hey, tiger ate. Tiger
got his meal. Very cool. Yes, I was a little
distracted there because this thing is jumping.
It's recording, but I don't know why. The software
here is jumping, and anyhow, you know, I think
I got it figured out. I hear a chihuahua in the
background. Actually, that's the pug, Otis. Oh,
either one. Yeah, yeah. I don't have this place
soundproofed. Maybe one of these days I'll get
around to doing it. I'd love to do it, but right
now, you know what? That's what you get. I mean,
you know. My soundproof. oh okay um about a month
ago we had to put down madre the show cat that's
okay you don't hear her anymore it sucks but
yeah she's a sweetheart but i mean you know she
was like 19 or something i mean she had a really
good life and it was just it was time she was
just miserable Probably had some kidney issues,
some other issues. Obviously, it sucked. But
we have Otis, and Otis makes a lot of noise.
So, hey, go ahead. Okay, well, we're going to
go ahead and run that garbage one more time.
Let's do it. Okay. Okay, I kind of like this
one. It's historical. Okay. John Adams once shared
a bed with Benjamin Franklin, and they argued
all night about whether to keep the window open.
Do tell. This is interesting. Okay. Or bad air
causing illness. Okay. Franklin, a lifelong advocate
of ventilation, lectured Adams on his theory
of colds until Adams finally gave in and let
him keep it open. Okay. I love that. Yeah, from
the tiger to forefathers arguing over a window.
I love that. Very cool. Thank you, Rob. I think
I would, too. Yeah, I think so, though. All right.
I would, too. Let's see. You know, I've got a
Jeffy X list. Do you think we have time for it
on this show or not? Yeah, let's do Jeffy X.
All right. Then let's take our second break.
Okay. Second break, Jeffy X. Yeah, that'd be
about it for me. Okay. We'll find out. Okay,
if you want to go on, that's fine. If you want
to cut it, that's fine. All right, that'll be
determined. We'll be right back. Your mama's
so fat, she went out in high heels and struck
oil. Oh, shit. What's that over there? Oh, no.
It's island horrible jokes. Want to hear a joke
about paper? It's terrible. bought a puppy and
have... Hey there, don't worry. I have a clown
nose. Oh no! That drunk guy just hit my child!
It's okay. I have a clown nose. Clown noses are
sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen. You watched
the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have the
post apocalypse. Make sure and have plenty of
rope. Strong, threaded, durable rope. with a
rating of 400 pounds or greater. You need to
know basic knots, so you can go to the library
and download the Boy Scouts Handbook and have
a reference to slip knots and other essential
rope tricks. Rope can be used in traps to catch
food or would -be predators. Rope is a key ingredient
in post -apocalypse survival. Introducing Rob
Rad's new book, How to Track Your Enemy by Scent.
That's right, smell your enemy before they get
you. Order this gem now and get a free virtual
tour of Rob's secret bunker in Camderton, Missouri.
Also receive a free copy of his new book, How
to Clean Raw Sewage for Food. Tomorrow morning
while grinding your coffee beans for your double
mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals
caught in the grinder. It really hurts. And who
can afford plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone.
Next up, things overheard in hell. John Wayne
Gacy is in charge of human resources. And now
we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Why, excuse me, my dear sir.
Could you please direct me to the nearest self
-employed person in a motorized vehicle? That
will transport me where I ask them to in exchange
for money and a tip. Do you mean an Uber ride?
Well, yes. Yes, I do mean an Uber ride. Then
just say an Uber ride, you dumb motherfucker.
And why are you constantly following me around
asking me stupid questions? Fucking idiot. This
is Two Douchebags and Microphone. I'll mark half
of this in the Kansas City, Missouri vicinity
at the Talk is Cheap studio. I've got a story
accompanying with a Jeffy X. All right. Ray Ray
the cat clearly did not want to be left behind
when his family left their home in Kittanging,
Pennsylvania for Keene, New Hampshire. On September
26th, the Washington Post reported this. After
driving about 100 miles, Tony DiNardo, Ray Ray's
owner, stopped the family van for a bathroom
break and discovered the eight -year -old cat
clinging to the vehicle's roof. How did this
cat stay on there, wondered Tony's wife, Margaret.
And he was completely unfazed. The family believed
Ray Ray lodged himself in between luggage strapped
to the van's top as they sped along the interstate.
The DiNardos leaned in, stopping at a pet store
for a leash, harness and backpack, and food for
Ray Ray, and he joined the adventure. Tony carried
him across the finish line at a marathon in Keene,
and Ray Ray seemed to really like Times Square
at night, Margaret said of their stop in New
York City. She plans to write a children's book
about her pet's adventure. Well, guess what Jeffy
X did? He found a list of children's book titles
that have failed. Can you believe that? Well,
this should be good. Yeah, Jeffy, he... He's
our sleuth. He goes around and he finds out,
he finds these lists and stuff that products
were going to do, or in this case, children's
books. They're coming up with titles, but they
decided not to use them. And they, you know,
they don't want people to see these. Jeffy X
sneaks in there and he grabs his stuff and he's
been death threatened. He's been electrocuted.
He's had his balls half cut off. He had to get
stitches. You know, every time he got away, luckily.
So Rob is so... Oh, did it? Okay. Yeah. Good.
He actually flew out of there. Oh, good. Thanks
for that, sir. Oh, good. Even though he says
red, oh, my God. You cannot wait for Christmas.
Yeah, he's getting all the Sergeant Peppers.
He's getting seven of them so he doesn't have
to wear the Sergeant Pepper outfit over and over
again. Yeah, seven. Well, you know what? He's
got to wait until Christmas anyhow, so yeah,
you know what? He'll be all right. No, no, no,
no, no. His Christmas is done. I'm complete with
all his. Oh, now you've just got to wait until
Christmas, Jeffy X. It's already done. And me?
I'm a simple guy. I gave him $3 ,500, and I told
him either buy your mom something or buy coke
and blow and hookers, and I didn't ask which
one he went for, so that's fine. And meanwhile,
Rob also made him a pair of Jeffy X underwear.
Rob is an expert embroiderer, and that's how
come he made the bat suits, and he made the Sergeant
Pepper's outfits, and he also made Jeffy X underwear.
It has Jeffy on the back, X on the front. and
he put in a very special Stephen Piercy pouch,
the Glamban Rat. Supposedly, Stephen Piercy had
a pouch put on the front of his spandex inside
of it to stuff a couple of socks in there to
look a little bulkier, right? But we're sure
Jeffy X doesn't need it, but Rob did that just
in case he wanted to look bulkier for whatever
reason. So here are the book titles that Jeffy
X uncovered that failed. The first one was...
Little Billy's Genital Boil. Did not work. Could
you believe that? That could be an informative
book. Yeah, yeah, it's a teaching book. A lot
of little boys get both of those. Yeah, yeah,
and they need to know what they are and how to
treat them. And when I got older, I didn't get
them no more. Yeah, yeah, thank God I didn't
get any blisters after I was like, you know,
14 or 15. That would have been a totally different
deal. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I did, too. I think every
kid did. But, I mean, you know, later on, the
general... Yeah, and I love the title, too. It
tells you what to expect. Little Billy's Genital
Boil. People are so fickle, Rob, I don't know
what to say. All right, the next one. Oh, no.
Little Johnny's Cat Ate Your Hamster. That one.
I know. What a bunch of pussies. Geez, come on.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know what to say, but that
failed the focus panels too, so it's not coming
out. Thanks a lot. All right. The next one that
failed the children's book title is The Day Daddy
Filed His Taxes Wrong. I think I'm glad that
one didn't come out. What about you? No, honestly,
I think the kids need to get ready for that.
You know what? You're right. It's preparing them
for it. It's like, look, daddy went to prison
because of a mistake. Sorry, your dad's going
to prison because he filed his taxes. Get him
ready for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someday he may
want to, you know, fudge his taxes too. And by
this lesson that he learned, he may not, you
know, because daddy did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Daddy
come out of the prison a completely different
guy. He liked wearing dresses. So, all right.
Next one. Where did grandma's teeth go? That's
another teaching one. Yeah, don't ask. Grandpa's
jockstrap. No, I agree on that one. Do not put
that book out, please. Oh, by the way, Jeffy
X has another list he's working on right now.
He's sleuthing because there's a story coming
up about a lady that when she passed away, they
found some unique things underneath her mattress.
Well, Jeffy X had a list of stuff that... That
you should never find underneath a mattress.
Your mom's mattress. So, anyhow. The next one.
The little engine that just gave up. What's wrong
with that? There's nothing wrong with saying
fuck it. No shit. No wrong with being a damn
fool and just keep trying it. You might as well
just go, you know, this ain't working. I'm out.
Right? We all say fuck it every now and then.
You're human. Yeah. Yeah. You should be human.
I know. I don't have an answer, Rob. I have no
idea why they didn't. Teach them to be a Terminator.
Teach them to be a human. Yes. The next one.
Mommy's new friend, Carl, who lives in the basement.
I think that sounds great. Oh, you don't like
it? Okay. That's creepy. That's creepy. Okay.
Okay. All right. I don't want to speculate. I
don't want to speculate. Yeah, okay. I get it
now. All right, the next one. Yes. The next children's
book title that failed was called Timmy and the
Unpaid Electricity Bill. Okay. You know what?
His power gets turned off, right? He'll learn
not to do it. He'll learn not to go out and buy
model cars when he should be paying his fucking
electric bill, right? Exactly. There you go.
The next children's book title that failed is
called Daddy's Drunken House Foreclosure. Now,
come on. Number one, you learn not to get drunk
and to do business deals, right? And number two,
you find out what happens when your house gets
foreclosed on, right? So you don't want to do
it, right? Like I said. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know,
Rob. I don't have any idea. There's not many
I agree with on this. I know. I'm the same way,
Rob. The next one is of the children's book title
that failed is The Cookie Jar is Empty Because
of Inflation. You see, that teaches that you
know that inflation, you have to budget your
money correctly. I don't get it. Once again,
I don't get it. The next one of the children's
book's titles that failed was The Dog That Remembered
Too Much. Rob? Oh, that'll bite you in the ass
every time, too. Yeah, so I think I'm going to
have to agree with that one. Yeah, my beagle,
awesome. Yeah, that's what this tells on me all
the time. Oh, they do. They know they're doing
it, too. The next title, he had a lot of book
titles on this, so. The next one is called My
Imaginary Friend Hates Me. You see, that teaches
a valuable lesson. They're used to it. Yeah.
It's like sometimes people don't like you, and
who cares? They might act like they like you,
but, you know. Yeah, yeah. You gotta learn it
somewhere. Yeah. So, again, I think they failed
on this. Next one is, don't worry, that's just
the carbon monoxide alarm. Oh, come on. I know,
I know, I know. You know, Rob, I don't have any
answers for this. These children book titles
are excellent, and they teach them, you know,
they teach them lessons, valuable lessons. Yeah,
yeah. Watch your breathing. Yeah, yes. Cover
your mouth. Yes. Get the hell out of there. Open
windows. Dude, I tell you. Yeah, okay. This is
my first podcast back in a week, everybody. I
missed it. I'm a little old tonight. You are.
You are. The next... children's book title that
failed the focus panels and is not going to come
out now is the boy who googled himself never
whatsoever do that no no you'll find out about
your stuff you know about yourself that you've
never knew okay because of someone else with
the same name i will give i will give him that
one okay ever google yourself no no um And in
a related title, Grandpa's Internet Search History.
You see, I think that teaches a valuable lesson.
Don't be like Grandpa, and you have to erase
your Internet history, right? Yeah. Yeah, I think
they missed the boat on that one, too. I think
it has a great children's book title, and I don't
know why it's not going to be used now. That's
true. You know, Rob, I don't have an answer for
this. Okay, I got this one thing I do. Why do
I do it? And you go Google Grandpa. Oh, there
it is. Yeah, you see? Yeah, you see his search
history and go, I'm not going to do that. I'm
going to erase my shit. No, I'm going to have
to pass that one. No. There you go. The next
one is when Santa missed our house again. Well,
that's what you get for being a miserable little
brat. And that teaches a lesson. Be a good kid
and you'll have Santa stopping there. You be
a little dick, Santa goes on by, right? Yeah,
he says, fuck you. I'm not even giving you coal
anymore. I'm just going by. I'm just giving you
the cold shoulder. Yeah. You see, the whole time
I thought that someone played a bad joke on me.
I guess not. That's right. You're right. I agree.
You're right. We only have a few more titles
left, so bear with me here. The next one is,
why is everyone crying in the kitchen? I don't
see anything wrong with that either. You've got
to know that people have disappointments in life,
right? Yes. This is how you learn it. You go
in there, everybody's crying. You go, all right,
what happened? And they go, well, daddy was caught
with four hookers and cocaine. Oh, then you know,
right? Yeah. The next to the last one, the tooth
fairy's budget cuts. Well, you've got to know,
sometimes, hard times, Trump. having a little
something extra for getting your tooth out, right?
Tooth fairy doesn't have any money. What is a
tooth fairy going to do, right? It's called inflation.
Yes. Yes. So don't be mad at the tooth fairy.
And the tooth fairy has a budget. That's true.
They can't just go around and throw money at
everybody. So you didn't make the cut. Fucking
just buckle up and get on with it. And then finally,
This one is for you, Rob, if you remember the
episode, The Clown That Touched My PP. No. You
don't remember that? You don't remember that?
Yeah, I remember. No, no, no. No? No. No, dude,
I'm pretty bad. Okay, okay. It's not going to
be pretty. Well, it was a good. It failed the
focus panel. It's just a personal experience.
Yeah, yeah. So don't let a clown touch your pee
-pee. Right, Rob? No, no. It leads to bad things.
Never. Never. All right. Rob, it's 930. Do you
need to go to bed? Yeah, I do. You just made
me choke on some water. I'm going to. Okay. All
right. I want to say. Yes. Hello, Albuquerque.
Hello, Grandma Opal. Hello, Jimmy. Hello, Ricky.
Hello, everybody. What is it? Harrisburg. Everybody.
Oh, Hicksville. Hicksville. Hicksville. Oh, no.
We had some other shit. Yeah, we did. You know
what? All of you guys. Everyone, if you weren't
mentioned. We get married the day after Thanksgiving,
so I'll be back. There you go. Alrighty. Thank
you, Rob. Thank you to everybody that Rob mentioned,
and have a good night, assholes. Oh, but we do
have one more coming before I get married. Yes.
Actually, two. Actually, two. Two more. that's
right all right so you get two more rob officially
not being married so he is taken he's just not
married currently but he will be married so all
you ladies that i told you about him and said
hey come and get it rob's here it's done now
you missed the boat rob is now yep rob's a taken
man so it's done so all right everybody have
a good night Looks like the show's over, kids.
Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford
a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be
back invading your ear holes soon.