Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Hey everybody, this is Uncle
Rob. I'm going to give you some tips for life.
This is Uncle Rob's rules to dick pics. Rule
number one. The title will kick in someone else's
name. So if you get busted, it's not yours. Rule
number two, shoot angles complementary to your
length and girth. Rule number four, no propping
of the leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very
important. No bat light here. These idiots just
show up and hope for the best. Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. A belly dancer in
Spain. Belly danced for 48 hours, beating the
old world record by 5 hours. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. What do you tell when you're out of
invisible ink? I may never know. Hey, my fellow
heavy breathers. This is Dash Riptide. Your music
news. Megadeth has announced a final album in
a 2026 global farewell tour. To conclude their
career after 40 years, the first wave of tour
dates for a Latin American leg in April and May
2026. With more dates to be announced for the
worldwide tour, while the full tour schedule
has been released, tickets for the initial dates
are available, and there is also an announced
performance with Iron Maiden Concert in Harrison,
New Jersey in September 2026. This is Gash Rooktyne,
and that was your music news. If it's too loud,
you probably have ear damage, just like me. This
is Chicago. I am the most dangerous city in North
America. You can't touch me. Oh yeah? This is
Kansas City here. Hold my beer, bitch. Two douchebags
and microphone in an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you... First world problems.
The ATM wants me to make a new PIN number for
security purposes. I don't have an extra two
minutes. I need my Starbucks. I'm having the
worst day ever. Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. I'm getting carried away
with that, ain't I? Nah. Nah? Okay. All right.
Did I sound more like a fucking sheep than they
did? Nah. Nah. Okay, well, mine's... It's a beautiful
bagel arm of flesh of the Ozarks in the deaf
-blind studio for now. Whack, whack. Yes, I'm
almost over this. Good. Good. Good. And I'm trying
to do a goat, not a sheep. But it probably sounds
like a sheep, doesn't it? So, anyhow. I don't
know what the hell it is. It sounds like goat
to me. Okay. Well, whatever the hell it is. I
can do it better. I just kind of like get a little
crazy and try to do some different shit and it
ends up sounding horrible. So, anyhow. You know,
kind of like the podcast. I tried to do some
different shit. It ends up sounding horrible.
They love us. They love us. Okay. All right.
I want to start a new sporting goods store to
rival Dick's. I want to call it Wieners. What
do you think, Rob? Sounds awesome. Okay. Val
suggested Cox, but then I thought P .P.'s or
maybe Peters. What do you think? Nah. Nah. Peters.
Peters. With a D. Peters. Because isn't that
how we used to call wieners of penises when we
were a child? Peter. P -E -D -E -R. Okay, Peters.
But speaking of wieners, and this is how all
this came up. I just saw this bullshit here.
So I ran into a guy yesterday that I grew up
with. And I'm telling you this story with his
permission, okay? He said, go ahead. Because
I'm not mentioning his name, but anyhow. When
he was like five or so, he was taking a piss
when the toilet seat accidentally slammed shut
on his poor little wiener. I mean, it was a big
deal. He was fucked up for a while. Imagine that
when you're a little kid and your little fucking
thimbles out, right? And all of a sudden that
toilet seat slams down and smashes your wiener.
Would that not be the worst fucking pain ever?
Oh, it did? I guess this happened to more people
than I thought. Yeah, I was about five when it
happened, yeah. Okay, this happened to this guy,
too, this buddy of mine. So he actually, though,
hadn't had an operation much later because it
formed scar tissue. He was 27, and I didn't know
this because I didn't keep track of him after
school and everything, but he told me this yesterday.
He actually had to have an operation much later
when... When he was 27, because it formed scar
tissue, he suddenly couldn't pee very well and
it hurt. So they had to ore it out like snaking
a drain, dude. Does that sound horrible? Oh,
damn. Yeah, because I guess they left it like
it was when he was a child. You know, this is
the late 60s, early 70 -ish, right? So they probably
didn't really know that much what to do about
it back then, or wasn't it as advanced, or didn't
have, like, the type of machines to look at,
you know. But there was some damage done. But
I guess since, you know, he got better and could
pee, they're just like, oh, okay, he's all right,
you know, okay. So, anyhow, so I made an observation
that's completely different like everything else
that we do. An unrelated day thing I just said.
Over the last week, I've been forced to listen
to about every morning show on radio in Kansas
City, all of them, most popular and not so popular.
Okay, they cannot seem to sell out their commercials.
They had all of them, the most popular and the
ones with horrible ratings. They couldn't sell
all their commercials, so they had to have public
service announcement on every break. That's unheard
of before. I mean, radio is in bad shape, Rob.
I mean, I don't know how they're going to do
it. Because if they can't sell commercials to
their premium audience, which would be the mornings,
I don't know what they can do. I mean, they're
in a lot of trouble. They're in more trouble
than I ever thought. So, anyhow. I went to the
City Market Tuesday to have my Cubano. Oh, real
quick. Ramon is going to have to wait because
tomorrow I'm not going to be able to do the podcast
with him. I'm going to send him a message and
tell him next Tuesday most likely. So anyhow,
I really want to talk to Ramon. I'm just not
going to be able to do it tomorrow because of
things that I have to do. So anyhow, I went to
the City Market Tuesday to have my Cubano and
a breakfast entree. that they have called a pile.
It's code name among us commoners is shit on
the shingle. Know what I'm talking about? Yeah,
yeah, yeah. So, but they have to call it a pile
because this is a coffee house slash restaurant,
okay? But it's shit on a shingle, basically it's
sausage, hash browns, toast, bacon bits covered
in a delicious gravy. So Nicole, who is a lovely
lady who I speak about often, and she owns the
coffee house. We had a fantastic conversation.
She would be the owner of the City Market Coffee,
like we said. And she is such a unique person.
Those type of people I gravitate towards because
they have so much interesting knowledge. eclectic
and uh and the story she's told me about in her
trips to Greece and Peru and a few others she
had all these fantastic photos and cool stories
um I hope she listens to this uh she she needs
to know how cool she is because she has this
thing where she takes pictures of neat man covers
or woman covers or whatever you want to call
them okay um manhole covers so um I didn't realize
this, but now I do since she said something.
They all have different patterns and engraving
and messages on them, right? And it was cool.
Like the one in Peru had a cool message. I forgot
what it was. You know, the one in Greece. I recognize
that. She goes, hey, you know that one? I'm like,
yeah, yeah, that's Greece. So that would tell
me that she does listen to the podcast a little
bit because I don't think I've ever informed
her I was Greek. So anyhow, so that's cool. I'm
glad that she... bothered, I think, to listen
in a little bit. So I told her that, you know,
Topher was having a difficult time. So next time
I'm in there, she is sending me a coffee for
me to take to him. That was a really sweet gesture,
isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. It is. Yeah, yeah. So she's
going to send me a coffee to take to him and
say, hey, this is from Nicole. She wants you
to, you know, to... get better, get to feeling
better and everything, you know, because I'm
not going to go into it, but I really sympathize
for him. Topher's a really, really good friend.
He's one of my better friends, and I don't like
to see him not doing well. It sucks. So, well,
I don't know if Topher likes McRibs or not, but
they're back, so this will be my excuse to get
one, and if he doesn't like them, then I guess
I get to eat the extra one, right? Oh, I'll save
it for you. Hell yeah. It won't be no good by
the time I get it. Are you kidding? It's McDonald's.
It'll be good 50 years from now. You're right.
We can put it in a storm shelter. We should eat
it. Yes, I think that's what you should do on
all bunkers like yours there in Camden, Missouri.
We've spoke about it many times. Fill it with
McDonald's stuff. Oh, okay. All right, cool.
Well, I mean, you are the bunker guy. You're
the bunker loincloth guy. Everybody knows this,
so you got to keep doing what you do, right?
Yep, definitely. All right. So, but all the participating
McDonald's as of right now are a good distance
away from me, like Blue Springs and bullshit
like that. I'm like, man. So, in all actuality,
will I probably get one? No. Unless there's one
that's within three miles of me, I'm not going
to go get one. I threaten to. I say I'm going
to, but I'm never going to do it. You know what
I mean? If it's too far away, you're just going
to be like, every time you get ready to go, you're
like, ah, screw it. I'm not going all the way
over there. The sun's out. I don't know. You
make up excuses. My toe itches. I cannot. So
whatever. Oh, yeah. I pick it up, I get it home,
eat it there hot, or either way, I still have
another half hour. It's an hour trip. Well, KFC,
I would wait, and I would eat that when you're
there hot, because whenever that stuff gets cold,
it never does warm up, even in the oven or air
fryer. It never brings it back to life like it
was when it first came out of the fryers. So,
I'm going to go into something a little bit different
here. Anyone who has listened to this podcast
knows my disdain for Howard Stern. Okay, right?
Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah, okay. So, I just
now figured out what Stern is now. My opinion
is this. He is the new Don Imus. The guy he used
to ridicule because he was old and grumpy. Yes.
He is exactly the new Don Imus. Oh, my God. I
think you nailed it right there. Yeah, he is
the person that he used to ridicule and make
fun of and say he would never become. Yeah, look
at what Daisy says. Yeah, yeah. Grumpy old bastard,
opinionated, fucking bag of fucking wind and
shit. Don wasn't particularly funny anymore,
just like Stern. He was a complainer, just like
Stern is now, and he stayed at the table way
too long and has tarnished his reputation, just
like Stern. And he has lost most of the audience,
just like Imus did at the end. Stern needs to
hang it up, or better yet, SiriusXM just needs
to do the dirty work for him and ax him right
away and say, no, no more. We could let you run
a little bit longer, but no, you suck. So go
ahead and... Go ahead and find your way out of
here. The door is over there. Hang up your microphone.
Hang up your mic. You're no good anymore. Like
I said, I never was a huge fan of his. Anyhow,
I always thought he was more of a downer. He
had, to me, a real shitty outlook on life. Him
himself, to me, sounded sad. and desperate and
lonely, where the people around him were good.
But him himself, I never thought that much of
him. I never thought that much of him as an entertainer
or anything. So, anyhow. He's getting old. Yeah,
when he was younger, he was much better. Oh,
no, ours is going to be better. Are you kidding?
Yeah, it's got to be. Yeah, I mean, if we suck
right now, where are we going to go? We've got
to get better, right? Yes, we will. Yeah, okay.
Let's see. So now it's podcasting, so we'd have
to top Joe Rogan. Oh, no, no, no. Actually, is
it New Heights? The Kelsey brothers might have...
I think they may... Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking
they may be more popular than Joe Rogan. Actually,
I think they are. Yeah. I really do. Yeah, so
that's what we've got to try to ascend to there.
But no, the state of radio is sad. I couldn't
believe it because, like I said, this week and
last week in particular, everyone's been having
their turn at the radio, and they all like different
tastes. And I listen to every one of the local
morning shows. I mean, number one, they're pretty
damn boring. They're pretty damn vanilla, you
know. They're pretty predictable, right? Everything's
just safe and sterile. And it also shows in the
advertisement. Nobody's listening. That's how
come they can't fill, you know, morning is the
hot spot. Morning's where most radio stations
make their money is their morning show. You got
to have, yeah, you got to have a hot shot morning
show, right? And everybody listens on their way
to work and, you know, it's the hot button stuff
and everything. And, you know, it's like when
you get the huge ratings, like let's say a station
on its own has like a five share. In the mornings,
if it's a good show, they have 13, 14, 15 share.
It's just not like that anymore. None of it sizzles.
None of it stands out. None of it. And that's
how come you get public service announcements
on every commercial break. You would have never.
The public service announcements before in radio
were left to 2 a .m. They weren't prime time.
It was like, okay, we got to. you know do a certain
amount of these so they wait till like 2 a .m
and do them all because nobody was listening
so now in the mornings nobody's listening so
they just throw them in there they don't have
enough commercials so they're like well we got
to have something we got a five minute spot here
so what are we going to do and it's like well
um well how about yogi bear you want to throw
yogi bear yeah yeah let's put yogi bear in there
you know so anyhow so since this is kind of a
um A smaller version because I have stuff I have
to do immediately after. And Rob's voice, we're
not sure if it's going to give out or not. We're
going to go ahead and turn it over to you earlier,
as in right now. Are you ready? Well, I'm going
to grab some more lemonade real quick. Oh, okay.
Okay, that's all right. Uh -huh. You know, kind
of help my voice a little bit. Yeah, yeah, lemon
helps cut that phlegm and everything out, you
know. Yeah, and that's what I got. There's a
lot of phlegm. It's got to be a science invention.
Yeah. Anyway, I found this Milo's lemonade. I'm
giving it a shot tonight. Okay. Try to keep my
voice a little... I mean, your voice sounds better
than the other day. I can tell you that right
now. It sounds stronger and not quite as raspy.
Awesome. We love that segment. Uh huh. and what?
hello? one second okay Hmm. Okay. And these are
timeshare deeds? They were. Well, what happened
was a lot of that land was condos. Mm -hmm. That
they had to buy. Yeah, yeah, I got you. They
had to settle up on getting a lot of the money
and that shit. Park and parking garage parts
of the project will open in the summer of next
year, followed by Marriott and Waterpark to open
in the first quarter of 2027. Oh, okay. Okay.
To get some money back on the bonds from all
the condos and stuff. Yeah, yeah, I got it. Now
they're back up and running. Okay, all right.
Yeah, I remember reading something on the Internet
about that, about all of it stopped, but I didn't
get a chance to look it over really good. Okay,
that makes sense. So now they're going to go
ahead and get back on track. So that's cool.
All right, go ahead. You got another one, or
is that it? That was it on that. Okay, you want
to take our first break and come back with some
emails? Sounds great. All right, we'll be right
back. Next up, things overheard in hell. John
Wayne Gacy is in charge of human resources. Sir.
I see your qualifications here. May I ask some
further questions that could help me determine
your employment eligibility? Yes, sir. I'm ready.
Well, as you can see here, we have a large population
of different ethnic backgrounds, sexuality, and
ages. Are you by chance bilingual? Well, sir,
I'm not sure why you need that kind of information,
but, well, it was only one time in summer camp.
I considered it experimental. Jam X. What the
hell happened? You were the generation of change.
You never wanted to be one of them. Apathy spoke
for you. Fuck the man. Fuck the system. What
the hell happened? The generation of angst? The
generation of non -compliance? Is now buying
a boat? You're really fed up to kill someone
who dangled a dollar near you? Great job, Xers.
Everything's ruined. Two douchebags and microphone.
The only podcast with gusto. That's right, gusto.
Just like Schlitz beer. Google it. Ms. Gulkenstein
was tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of
her. Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob. The Capuchin
Monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob the Capuchin Monkey tries to sell the
rest of the Capuchin Monkey's Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a Diamond Status Amway
as a Capuchin Monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Now it's time
for Pickup Lines from a Loser. If you were a
fruit, you would be a fine apple. And my dog
brings me the same toy. Is it because it's his
favorite toy? Or he thinks it's mine? Two douchebags
and microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. Which the 4
now is coming really quick. Yeah, I'm hoping
to be over there before that. I'm hoping to be
there not this coming weekend, but the following
weekend. We'll see. All right, first one. Mark,
you struck a nerve yesterday with a talk, and
this came the other day. We were talking about
the podcast Sunday night. Mark, you struck a
nerve yesterday with your talk about a friend
throwing out criticism unsolicited. I have a
couple people in my life like that. I don't understand
if it's envy trying to one -up or whatever. I
just know it's not meant to help you. You said
you hardly ever talk to the guy anymore. Are
you sure he's a friend? Middy in Pittsburgh.
Which I can vouch, back in the day, we were all
the best of friends. But it's been 40 years.
Yeah. I don't know really that much about him
anymore. All I know is what he said on that,
you know, the text that he put on Facebook. I
didn't really particularly care for him. Yeah,
I mean, honestly, you know, I hear he's retired
now. Maybe he needs a hobby. And I'm not saying
that smartass. I'm saying that, like, if you're
worried about a podcast, you need something to
do. Honestly. And I'm not dogging him. I love
the guy. But honestly, yeah, if you're going
to criticize and be all up in arms about a podcast
like that, if it gets under your skin that bad,
you're doing something wrong. You need to get
busy. You need to find something to do. And I
don't care if it's volunteer work or something.
Go build houses for the veterans or something.
But man, don't sit there and coil over a fucking
podcast and tell someone to get better. That's
ridiculous. Yeah, I'm sure I could fine -comb
your fucking life and come up with stuff, too.
But you know what? I'm done with it. So, all
right. Yep. Rob, you need a loincloth with Mitch's
face on it. I think that would be fun. Roth in
Texas. Rob, it's all yours. I would get one if
Mitch would reveal his face. Oh, I... I don't
know. I don't know. This is like the only thing
he has over us now. I don't think he's revealing
himself. He has not even started to. You know?
Yeah, I mean, and I thought and thought and thought
about who it could be. Mitch, come forward. Rob
wants your face on his loincloth. Well, all right.
Hey, Mark. The solo cast was great. I really
enjoyed Mr. Creepy and the other older segments.
I hope you continue to repurpose those shows.
I would also like a Topher update, please. Is
he doing well? Ronnie in Tulsa. The Tulsa King.
Yes. I need to get a hold of Topher. I mean,
he's doing reasonably well, but, you know, I
mean. He's had some stuff happen, and I really
feel for him because it sucks. And, I mean, last
I knew, he was doing okay, and I imagine he still
is. But I need to touch base and see how he's
doing. I also need to take him his free coffee
next time I get a chance to go down to the city
market. So, next one. Oh, no. Okay, Rob, this
is for you. Rob sounds better with laryngitis.
Much better. Mitch, the guy in Freeman who can
still talk. Rob, get him. All yours. Get him.
Actually, I think I'm going to lay off on that
one. Okay. I want to so bad. I don't know if
my voice can hold out that long. Love you, Mitch.
Mitch, I imagine you don't have a penis in your
mouth right now. That's how come you can talk.
Oh, yeah, well. That was me. That was me saying
it, not Rob. Yeah, mine definitely don't have
a penis. I'm talking about Mitch here. Yeah,
sure. So that was me, Mitch. That was Mark, not
Rob. So don't take it out on Rob. That was me.
You don't like me anyhow, so it's fine. All right.
Okay, Rob, did you guys start on YouTube? I thought
I saw your name, or has someone used your show
name, Weaver in Baltimore? Okay, number one,
he meant me. No, no, no, he meant me. I accidentally
did that. I was experimenting on YouTube this
new feature that they have that they will animate
your podcast for you and do it in cartoon style,
right? Well, I accidentally pushed the play button.
I was just like figuring it all out. And all
of a sudden it said, your video is live. So he
had to got it in like five minutes. That's remarkable.
Damn. Yeah, that's remarkable. So, sorry, that
was me. I accidentally put it up there. I wasn't
trying to. No, not yet. There's things we have
to work out. And there's things we have to do.
And there's some... There's some stuff in there
that I read where they can, if I read it correctly,
they can change your podcast at will. I don't
like that. I mean, I'm not going to. Right, Rob?
You on board with me? No. That's a flat no. But
I also had someone tell me that they don't do
that. That it's in there for other reasons, legal
reasons, and it's not what you think. Yeah, we're
going to get there. I've got to have someone
look it over and get a better opinion, a professional
opinion, not mine. So that is all of the emails
that we had this time. So, Rob, you got something?
Yeah, I do. All right. It's that time once again.
Oh, yeah. For Rob's Bag of Garbage. Yay. Best
segment ever in the world. Ever. Right? Best
segment ever in the whole wide world. Best segment
ever. Rob's Bag of Garbage. Alright. Wow. Wow.
Wow. That's big. That is. And think about back
then in the 60s and 70s. You were using the old
-fashioned hand saws. You were not using electric
saws yet. That's what they said. That's what
they meant by the craftsmanship. Yeah, it was
craftsmanship. I mean, it still is, but back
then it was a lot more because everything was
literally done by hand. Okay. Very cool. Anybody
who knows Harrison Ford became part of the Star
Wars. And then Indiana Jones. Geez, he was in
so much stuff. Yeah. Wow. Okay. BBC News wants
to piss thousands of viewers spaghetti crew on
trees. Okay. That's a good one. I love that.
That is a great April Fool's prank. Yes. Awesome.
When did this happen again, did it say? 1957.
Wow. Geez. All right. Is that all the story,
Rob? Yeah, that's it. Okay. And I forgot one
email. Well, actually, I didn't forget it. I
was going to do it right before our break here.
Someone wanted to know about airport divorce.
Well, we could talk about it ourselves, but that's
what we pay the new guy for, right? Okay, well,
we're just going to have the new guy, although
he's surly and he hates us, we're going to have
him explain to you what airport divorce exactly
is. How does that sound, right? Good? Sounds
good. Alrighty, we'll be right back after his
explanation in our second break. Hello. This
is the new guy. Airport divorce is a trend where
couples intentionally separate after going through
airport security to do their own activities and
then reunite at the gate or at the plane. Coined
by journalist Hugh Oliver, it's a way to avoid
conflict by letting each person enjoy their own
pre -flight routine without compromising, which
could be especially useful for partners with
different travel styles or anxieties about flying.
It's not a real breakup, but a strategy for a
more peaceful and less stressful start to a vacation.
Bye. Oh, my. Would you look at the rightly scattering?
It sure is brilliant tonight. First off, you're
on private property. Second, you're in my flower
garden. Third, if you're talking about the sunset,
yes, it is stunning. And finally, would you get
the hell off my property, you annoying fucking
bastard? The apocalypse just happened. You don't
know what to do. You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat. Garlic
mustard could and should be a go -to food during
an apocalypse. Garlic mustard is plentiful everywhere.
It is actually an invasive weed, but it can be
very delicious and easily taken from about any
pasture. Garlic mustard can be stewed. or even
pan fried for delicious taste. It can also be
added to other ingredients, whether it's a salad
or any other type of food to enhance it. Garlic
mustard should be a go -to staple during the
apocalypse. People often ask, how do we cram
so much funny into one little show? Well, it's
simple. We buy funny in bulk on the internet.
Hey Mark, you're wanted at the front door. There's
a big bag of funny they need you to sign for.
Okay, thanks a lot. I'll be right there. I'm
still sorting out the funny we got from yesterday.
There's your answer. We buy funny in bulk on
the internet. Hello, this is Phineas J. Altaris
III. I'm here to deliver your music news this
evening. Tesla bassist and founding member Brian
Wheat has teamed up with original Tesla guitarist
Tommy Scoach in a new band called Terminal. Joining
the duo in the new group are former Wasp guitarist
Chris Holmes and original Saliva singer Josie
Scott. They plan on putting an album out later
on this year or early next year. This is Phineas
J. Baltaris III. That has been your music news
for this evening. I have one burning question
for you all. Do people really skip around the
Maypole? And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm,
let's see. If I identify as a dog, and I start
wandering around the block without a collar on,
could animal control come by and pick me up?
Hmm, I may never know. The regular Joe Cube public
may believe anything he hears and sees, but not
here at Two Deucebags Microphone. Here at Two
Deucebags Microphone, we question everything.
That's why we have a little segment we'd like
to call, I Call Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
Bullshit. I call bullshit on the American government
and the government shutdown. Since 1981, there
have been four major government shutdowns. There's
been plenty more, but we don't have ten hours
to go over all of them. Here are some of the
largest ones. More current. 1996. Five days of
shutdown. Again, later in 1996, we had 21 days
of government shutdown. 2014, there was 16 days
of shutdown. 2019 was the largest up to date
until the present one with 34 days. And this
one is 10 -1, 25 till who knows when. In 35 days
of shutdown in 2019, the estimated GDP loss.
was $3 billion, and the permanent GDP loss was
$11 billion. Caused primarily by federal workers'
reduced spending and delayed federal spending
on goods and services, damages was partially
permanent due to lost economic activity that
could not be recovered. The only real reason
for the shutdowns are a deliberate attempt to
hurt the economy and try to smear the current
administration. In numerous cases, it has adversely
affected the economy, even hurting the gross
domestic product gauge. This is a huge factor
in the economical well -being of this country.
The law needs to change as to where the leaders
in this nation should have to forfeit their wages
to fund all the hard -working personnel with
government employment. The current shutdown's
economical impacts are not known quite yet, but
we can look back at the previous longest shutdowns
as a comparison. This bag of bullshit deserves
a protest of epic proportions. The people that
benefit from our hard work should be on notice.
This kind of behavior needs an example of why
you don't do this. I challenge all of America
to have a nice, calm protest every day to this
bullshit game. All government buildings should
be reminded of this when met with large, angry,
but peaceful crowds that are sick of the theft,
lies, pilfering, and gerrymandering. Action speaks
louder than words. Words get ignored. Have I
ever told you about my prank phone call deal
that I used to do? No. Phone booth? Well, this
was the old quick trip in Belvedere, the one
right off the highway, right off of 71 or 49
or whatever, and 155th Street down there in that
little pit there right off the exit ramp. There
used to be a quick trip. And one day I'm like
in there getting a soda or some shit, right?
And I noticed the phone rang. Is this probably
a drug deal or something? Yeah. And some guy
jumps out of his car and starts answering. I'm
like, huh, I didn't know those things had numbers.
Not only did I not know they have numbers, I
didn't realize that people fucking answer them.
Yeah, the idea of calling into a payphone didn't
occur to me until I saw someone do it on a TV
show. I was like, what? You can do that? Yeah,
I thought it was just one way you got on there
and said, hey, I'm down here at the Quick Trip,
man. Whenever you want to come down, you know,
I got the pet cage and the rubbers. You know,
whatever. So, anyhow, so I walk over there and
I get a pen from the guy on the quick trip and
wrote down the numbers. There's like three of
them. And they're like, you know, in a little
semi -circle. And back in the days, I mean, like
you mentioned the other day, how nasty that was.
Yeah. Some guy would get up there and start spitting
all over the phone, talking. And then you'd go
pick it up right after. Yep. Jam it right up
to the hole in your face that you eat through.
Now when I think about it, I cringe. So, anyhow,
it is probably a dirt bag from Belvedere, anyhow,
with no key. You know, fuck. So, anyhow, I get
these numbers down. And, anyhow, one day I'm
over at my friend Davey's and we're bored. And
I go, hey, man, I got something we can do. What's
that? See these three numbers? Yeah. They're
the number two, the pay phones, and Belvedere
Quick Trip. Oh, really? Let's just call it and
fuck with people. Yeah, sure. Okay. So, you know,
we call up, and the first time, it took a long
time. I don't think anyone was there. Someone
answered, hello. Hey, you know, this is Payphone.
I go, hey, you know, you're a dickhead. You know,
just start screwing with them. Yeah, you're a
piece of shit, man. Hey, you know who I got right
next to me? Who? Your mom. You know, people get
pissed off. Fuck you, bitch, and all this stuff.
So anyhow, we, you know, we, we call them up
and harass and people get so fucking mad. You
know, we get them so mad. They threatened to
kill us. They're going to come over and we're
like, well, you're going to kill me when you
don't know where I'm at, bitch. You know, it
was before this is in. maybe early 90s at the
most, late 80s, whatever, somewhere in that time
frame. And, I mean, it was just, I mean, we had
nothing else to do, so we'd call up and just
get people so mad. Davey used to do this farmer
impression. He used to tell a guy that his fucking
goats were in his yard, and he was mad. Or, your
fucking cattle trampled my fucking sheep, you
bitch. I don't have, I don't have no farm. Yeah,
you do, you son of a bitch. I know this is you,
Mr. Johnson. You get your ass over here and you
get my dead fucking sheep and you better fucking
bury it. If you don't, I'm going to come over
there and I'm going to slap the stupid out of
you and that's going to take all day because
you're pretty fucking stupid. And he would just
keep railing on them and the people get so mad
and argue about, I don't have a farm. I ain't
got no farm, you dumb son of a bitch. And he
would just keep going, ain't got no farm, you
dumb son of a bitch. And these people get so
mad. So anyhow, one day I'm over there. I'm like,
hmm, you know, it's starting to get boring. People
get mad. Then they hang up. Then a lot of people
just go, ah, fuck you, you know, and hang up.
The smarter ones do. And although I question
them answering a pay phone. And everyone goes,
you know this is a pay phone, don't you? You
know, it's like, okay. I heard that one before.
All right, hang on. Oh, yeah, you're right. I'm
sorry. You know, what do you do? I noticed there's
a White House right behind there. So anyhow,
I'm like, hmm, okay, all right. Everyone always
wants to know where I live at. I guess I'm going
to live in that White House right behind the
pay phone. So anyhow, you know, most people are
just kind of like they hang up and they don't
want to go to that White House. This one guy
that I was fucking with just constantly going,
hey, you piece of shit, man. Yeah, you just don't
sound right without a dick in your mouth. You
sound completely different. Hey, you ball gargler.
And all this stuff, man. You smell like chode.
And this guy's just getting fucking madder than
ever. I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
Where you at? And I go, you want to know where
I'm at, bitch? Yeah. Now, over there. Look to
your left. Oh, no, no. Not that left. The other
left, moron. See that left? Over there? See that
White House? I'm right here, motherfucker. I'm
looking out the window. I'm waiting for your
fucking fat ass to come beat me up. I'm going
to smack the stupid out of you, and I'm going
to do it in front of everybody. I'm going to
call people over to watch me smack the fuck out
of you. And this guy's getting mad. Oh, you son
of a bitch. I'm going to fucking kill you. And
I'm pretty sure the guy went over there. He was
so mad. So he was so mad that he didn't even
completely hang up. I heard it go click, and
then it fell on the ground. So he didn't look
back or nothing. And anyhow, I hear a car peeling
out. So I don't know about that guy in that White
House, but I'm pretty sure he got into a pretty
good fight. She looked at the police blotter
the next day. Man in White House beaten to death
by outraged ill -billy. There wasn't an internet,
so it was like one of those deals where I had
to wait for one of those little regional magazines,
like the Southside or whatever, the Grandview
Circle or whatever, the Grandview Dick Smack
or whatever. One of those stupid little fucking
mags to come out. Southside idiot, whatever.
So, hey, I never did find out, you know, and
I didn't want to know. I was afraid someone might
have got killed in that whole scuff up, you know,
but, yeah. Could be. It was at the hands of entertainment,
so I justified it. Yeah, yeah. Were you briefly
entertained? Oh, I was entertained for a while.
I mean, especially the guys that just continue
to. get mad and just continue to try to insult
you and one up you without a brain yeah and you
continue like Davey just roll over so many insults
on him and they just keep getting madder and
madder and go oh yeah fuck you Oh, my God, you
got me. Oh, you went through the F -bomb. Oh,
someone get me some iced tea. Oh, my God. Oh,
the pain, you know. Anyhow, so the finality was
ice calling down there. And this is later. I
got bored with it, and I went back to it. And
this chick answers. And I started saying something,
you know, just started blathering some sort of
shit to try to piss her off. She goes, Mark Wallace.
Oops. Who is this? This is Danielle. Oh, fuck.
What are you doing calling a pay phone? Long
story. Hey, she busted me. That was the last
time I called. I'm like, fuck, man. That's it,
man. No fun anymore. It's done. Yep. Cancel Christmas.
Yeah. Pharmacy's closed. Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. All right. The 4 now is
coming really quick. I know it is. The end of
this month, right? Yeah. I'm hoping to be over
there before that. Oh, okay. Cool. I'm hoping
to be there not this coming weekend, but the
following weekend. We'll see. We'll see. All
right. Well, we'll see if it works out. I hope
so. You want to be there. All right, first one.
Mark, you struck a nerve yesterday with a talk,
and this came the other day. We were talking
about the podcast Sunday night. Mark, you struck
a nerve yesterday with your talk about a friend
throwing out criticism unsolicited. I have a
couple people in my life like that. I don't understand
if it's envy trying to one -up or whatever. I
just know it's not meant to help you. You said
you hardly ever talk to the guy anymore. Are
you sure he's a friend? Middy in Pittsburgh.
Which I can vouch, back in the day, we were all
the best of friends. But it's been 40 years.
Yeah. I don't know really that much about him
anymore. All I know is what he said on that,
you know, the text that he put on Facebook. I
didn't really particularly care for him. Yeah,
I mean, honestly, you know, I hear he's retired
now. Maybe he needs a hobby. And I'm not saying
that smartass. I'm saying that, like, if you're
worried about a podcast, you need something to
do. Honestly. And I'm not dogging him. I love
the guy. But honestly, yeah, if you're going
to criticize and be all up in arms about a podcast
like that, if it gets under your skin that bad,
you're doing something wrong. You need to get
busy. You need to find something to do. And I
don't care if it's volunteer work or something.
Go build houses for the veterans or something.
But man, don't sit there and coil over a fucking
podcast and tell someone to get better. That's
ridiculous. You know, I could... Yeah, I'm sure
I could fine -comb your fucking life and come
up with stuff, too. But you know what? I'm done
with it, so all right. Yep, over. Yep. Rob, you
need a loincloth with Mitch's face on it. I think
that would be fun. Roth in Texas. Rob, it's all
yours. I would get one if Mitch would reveal
his face. Oh, I... I don't know. This is like
the only thing he has over us now. I don't think
he's revealing himself. He has not even started
to. You know? Yeah, I mean, and I thought and
thought and thought about who it could be. Mitch,
come forward. Rob wants your face on his loincloth.
Well, all right. Hey, Mark. The solo cast was
great. I really enjoyed Mr. Creepy and the other
older segments. I hope you continue to repurpose
those shows. I would also like a Topher update,
please. Is he doing well? Ronnie in Tulsa. The
Tulsa King. Yes. I need to get a hold of Topher.
I mean, he's doing reasonably well, but, you
know, I mean, he's had some stuff happen, and,
you know, I really feel for him because it sucks.
And, I mean, last I knew, he was doing okay,
and I imagine he still is. But I need to touch
base and see how he's doing. I also need to take
him his free coffee next time I get a chance
to go down to the city market. So, next one.
Oh, no. Okay, Rob, this is for you. Rob sounds
better with laryngitis. Much better. Mitch, the
guy in Freeman who can still talk. Rob, get him.
All yours. Get him. Actually, I think I'm going
to lay off on that one. Okay. I want to so bad.
I don't know if my voice can hold out that long.
Love you, Mitch. Mitch, I imagine you don't have
a penis in your mouth right now. That's how come
you can talk. That was me. That was me saying
it, not Rob. Yeah, mine definitely don't have
a penis. I'm talking about Mitch here. So that
was me, Mitch. That was Mark, not Rob. So don't
take it out on Rob. That was me. You don't like
me anyhow, so it's fine. So, all right. Okay,
Rob, did you guys start on YouTube? I thought
I saw your name, or has someone used your show
name, Weaver in Baltimore? Okay, number one,
he meant me. No, no, no, he meant me. I accidentally
did that. I was experimenting on YouTube this
new feature that they have that they will animate
your podcast for you and do it in cartoon style,
right? Well, I accidentally pushed the play button.
I was just like figuring it all out. And all
of a sudden it said, your video is live. So he
had to got it in like five minutes. That's remarkable.
Damn. Yeah, that's remarkable. So, sorry, that
was me. I accidentally put it up there. I wasn't
trying to. No, not yet. There's things we have
to work out. And there's things we have to do.
And there's some... There's some stuff in there
that I read where they can, if I read it correctly,
they can change your podcast at will. I don't
like that. I mean, I'm not going to. Right, Rob?
You on board with me? No. That's a flat no. But
I also had someone tell me that they don't do
that. That it's in there for other reasons, legal
reasons, and it's not what you think. Yeah, we're
going to get there. I've got to have someone
look it over and get a better opinion, a professional
opinion, not mine. That is all of the emails
that we had this time. So, Rob, you got something?
Yeah, I do. All right. It's that time once again.
Oh, yeah. For Rob's Bag of Garbage. Yay. Best
segment ever in the world. Ever. Right? Best
segment ever in the whole wide world. Best segment
ever. Rob's bag of garbage. Alright. Wow. Wow.
Wow. That's big. That is. And think about back
then in the 60s and 70s. You were using the old
-fashioned hand saws. You were not using electric
saws yet. That's what they said. That's what
they meant by the craftsmanship. Yeah, it was
craftsmanship. I mean, it still is, but back
then it was a lot more because everything was
literally done by hand. Okay. Very cool. Anybody
who knows Harrison Ford became part of the Star
Wars. And then Indiana Jones. Geez, he was in
so much stuff. Yeah. Wow. Okay. BBC News wants
to piss thousands of viewers spaghetti crew on
trees. Okay. That's a good one. I love that.
That is a great April Fool's prank. Yes. Awesome.
When did this happen again, did it say? 1957.
Wow. Geez. All right. Is that all the story,
Rob? Yeah, that's it. Okay. And I forgot one
email. Well, actually, I didn't forget it. I
was going to do it right before our break here.
Someone wanted to know about airport divorce.
Well, we could talk about it ourselves, but that's
what we pay the new guy for, right? Oh, yeah.
Okay, well, we're just going to have the new
guy, although he's surly and he hates us, we're
going to have him explain to you what airport
divorce exactly is. How's that sound, right?
Good? Sounds good. All righty. We'll be right
back after his explanation in our second break.
Hello. This is the new guy. Airport divorce is
a trend where couples intentionally separate
after going through airport security to do their
own activities and then reunite at the gate or
at the plane. Coined by journalist Hugh Oliver,
it's a way to avoid conflict by letting each
person enjoy their own pre -flight routine without
compromising, which could be especially useful
for partners with different travel styles or
anxieties about flying. It's not a real breakup,
but a strategy for a more peaceful and less stressful
start to a vacation. You watched the news. It
looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable? We suggest
you download all our podcasts beforehand and
have multiple mobile chargers. We have the post
-apocalypse. Post -apocalypse protein might be
hard to come by. The animals could be contaminated
or scarce, if any at all. This is where protein
powder is essential in a post -apocalypse survival.
The powder is easy to keep and does not require
refrigeration. Two douchebags and microphone
in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. My 76 -inch smart HDMI
tripod. Stereo TV. My remote won't work unless
I'm right in front of it. I can't believe it.
This is bullshit. Sir, I see your qualifications
here. May I ask some further questions that could
help me determine your employment eligibility?
Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here,
we have a large population of different ethnic
backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are you by
chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure why
you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. Next up, Things Overheard in
Hell. Man, Axel Rose is such a great childhood
therapist. I hope he writes more books. Two monkey
fuckers and a toaster will be right back. And
now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm. Does a straw
have one hole? Or does it have two? Hmm. I may
never know. Hello, this is Phineas J. Altaris
III. I'm here to deliver your music news this
evening. Hold the line. Toto's US tour is coming
together just fine. I didn't write that. Legendary
rock band Toto will be touring as an evening
with Steve Lukather and Joseph Williams. They
have curated a set list for this entire excursion.
February 18th, the tour kicks off in Milwaukee
and will wrap up in Buffalo, Michigan. Our home
base of Kansas City is getting snubbed unless
you feel like traveling to Tulsa, Omaha, or Des
Moines. That's not very far to travel, so if
you love Toto, there you go. This is Phineas
J. Baltaris III. That has been your music news
for this evening. I have one burning question
for you all. Do people really skip around the
Maypole? So you want proof that we love you here
at QD Spades and Microfilm Central? Here's a
proof right here about the drink of the week.
Hey, my party pilgrims. How about Norwegian's
famous pineapple coconut mojito? One and a quarter
ounce Bacardi coconut rum, one ounce pineapple
puree. three pieces of lime wedges, six pieces
of mint leaves, and one half ounce of simple
syrup. You garnish ginger candy on a pick, orange
wilt, and a mint sprig. Take a 12 -ounce glass,
shake all ingredients together, and strain over
fresh ice and top with soda. How about a splash
of 7 -Up Sprite or ginger ale just for a little
extra pizzazz? Four out of five people surveyed
said that teeny douchebags in a microphone podcast
are more entertaining than a gum infection. The
fifth one called the cops, and we had to leave.
Oh, man, what the fuck is this? Is this a new
feature? What's inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid
to me. Mmm, stromboli is so delicious. I love
stromboli. I wonder if it loves me back. I bet
you it does. Stromboli is so tasty. It's like
a giant pizza roll with more flavor. It's the
ultimate food. Mmm, stromboli. We need stromboli
cereal. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's it. Stromboli
cereal. Mmm, stromboli flakes. Mmm. Two douchebags,
a microphone, a mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. Hey, Rob. That's
probably a good idea. I have a story here accompanied
with a Jeffy X list. Does that sound all right?
All right. Okay. I had to run a quick trip to
get gas for the power washer in the mower yesterday,
actually. A guy in front of me at QT was yelling
at his wife or whoever to get three packs of
Exeter 6. I might have made a fun of that name
before. I can't remember. But I am baffled at
the name of Exeter. Do you see where I'm going
with that? Exeter cigarettes. Hey, don't knock
it. No, they may be great, but Exeter is like
your... I've been smoking them for years. Okay,
that's fine. But I just think the name is not
that good. Exeter, like goodbye. I'm going to
die. Hey, Exeter. You see what I mean? I heard
all that. I did. Okay, so Exeter Cigarettes,
I think it's just a horrible name. So Jeffy X,
he sent me a list after I sent him a message.
He said, you know, he said, I've been working
on this. And Jeffy X has a list of product names
that didn't work. They threw him through focus
panels and everyone said, nah, that's not good.
So they didn't do him. And Jeffy X is our sleuth
on the loose. He goes around and he goes into
these corporations and he finds these things.
He finds these. focus panels and stuff and different
products that failed. And he does this for us
because he loves us. And also Rob embroidered
him a pair of underwear with Jeffy on the back
and X on the front with a special Steven Piercy
pouch on the inside, although we're sure he doesn't
need it. Stephen Piercy Pouch, Stephen Piercy
was the lead singer, and still is, I believe,
of the glam band Rat. Supposedly, he had a pouch
sewn in on the inside of his fan decks to fill
and fool, you know, and maybe look a little bit
better to some women and maybe some gay males
or something, right? Maybe look a little bit,
you know, more generous down there or whatever.
Rob was nice enough to do that for him, but we're
sure Jeffy X doesn't need it. You made him a
flying bat suit and a Sergeant Peppers outfit
because you are an expert embroiderer, right?
Yes, I have been for years. Yes. So he also can
do it with his toes. That was cool, the video
you put up of you embroidering. Yes. Yeah, that
was crazy. So, and the loincloth thing, next
time you do that, my suggestion is don't wear
your loincloth when you're embroidering with
your toes, Rob. Okay? Did you get a draft? Did
you fill a draft? Yeah, there was a little draft.
Yeah, yeah, I imagine there was. I think I missed
a couple stitches. Got a little chilly, didn't
it? Yeah, it did. Okay. And me, I'm a much more
simpler man here. I gave him $3 ,500 to buy something
for his mom or hookers and blow. I don't know
what she did. I didn't ask, and I don't care.
All right, Jeffy X came with this list for us.
The first one is called a Stink Link. It was
a new spicy beef stick. I love the name Stink
Link. What do you think? I love it. Fantastic
name for a beef stick. I'd eat one, wouldn't
you? A stink link. Definitely. Yeah. I don't
know what they're thinking, man. That focus panel
was way off. Way off. All right. The next one
is drip dry. It was a new syphilis medicine.
I think that's a great name. You have syphilis,
you're dripping. What are you going to get? You're
going to grab a bottle that says drip dry, right?
That would be perfect. Yeah. Yeah, that's what
I'd look for. Like if I had the SIF and I was
like walking into CVS and I was looking around
and going, drip dry, that's what I need right
there. The name's explanatory. I don't know what
these guys are thinking, man. They're on heroin
or something. All right. Next one is called Cramp
Time. That's right, Cramp Time. And it's a MyDoll
clone. I didn't think that was too... Well, I
mean, at Cramp Time, you grab one of these, right?
At Cramp Time. You're having cramps, you go get
Cramp Time. Yeah, well, it didn't work. The next
one is Mold Mate. It's a mold cleanup. You know,
a solution that you put on mold, you know, on
walls and floors and ceilings. Yeah. Mold Mate,
I think, sounds great. It's kind of like Coffee
Mate. You know, you put Coffee Mate in your coffee.
Wow. Yeah. That sounds awesome. Yeah, you put
Mold Mate. I'd buy it like that, wouldn't you?
I know a lot of guys that do that stuff for a
living that would buy it. See? Mold Mate. I don't
know what... You know what? I wish they would
sell me the name. I'd come out with some shit
right now. This next one and this next one is
pure bullshit that they denied it. Now, Rob,
meat juice. It's beef broth. Oh, come on. I know.
Beef broth. What is beef broth? It's meat juice,
right? Yes. Yeah, well, what's wrong with calling
it meat juice? I don't have a clue. They are
on fucking crack or something. I don't know.
These people that they interviewed at these focus
panels are ridiculous. Alright, the next one
is Nosex. It is anti -nausea medicine. I think
that's a great name. I mean, you know, like Sinex
is for sinus problems. Nosex. I don't either.
NOSX means no more, no more nausea. I don't know.
The next one is called Datalink, and it works
like PayPal. Datalink, not link. Datalink. You
know, I can kind of see it. I get that one. I
get that one. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I said it wrong.
Data leak. Yeah. You know, sometimes when I don't
get a chance. We don't know for that these days.
Yeah, we do. You know, sometimes whenever I write
this shit down myself and I don't have time to
type it out, I come up with data link instead
of leak. You know, because my words, I swear,
my shorthand, if you will, is horrible. So, all
right. Next one is no shit. It's three -ply toilet
paper, Rob. What a great name. Oh my God, three
-ply? Yeah, yeah, three -ply and it's named no
shit. Wouldn't you grab that up in a second?
That'd be like a tiger, man. Yeah. Yeah, three
-ply. That's a holy grail of crap paper, isn't
it? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's the best thing you
can use next to a beach towel, right? This next
one I love. Dirt nap. It's a new form of Narcan.
I don't think I'd buy that. Dirt nap? Oh, I'd
give it to Clint. You know what? I love the name
Dirt Nap. I'm sorry. Yep, yep, yep, yep. It goes
to Clint. I'm going to FedEx it to him if I ever
see it. Mitch is getting a little unhinged there.
I don't know what his deal is. Him rubbing in
that you have laryngitis? I don't know, man.
Oh, well, you know what? Maybe he meant it as
fun. He probably meant it as fun. My voice will
come back. Yep. That's right. I will unleash.
That's right, Mitch. You better watch it. All
right. And then finally, Kaboom. It's a new gun
cleaning kit. I think I'd stay away. Yeah, yeah.
Cannot happen. Cannot happen. Yeah, yeah. I'd
stay away from that. No. What? No, go ahead.
That's already been trademarked. That's already
been, yeah, Kaboom is a cleaner. Oh, that's right.
It's a house cleaner. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, they
cannot get it past the name. Okay, then that's
probably why it failed. Yeah. All right. All
right. How about Rumble? I don't know. Flash?
Flash? Yeah, that's it. Flash. Flash. Flash.
Yeah, there we go. I like that name. All right,
Rob, you got something? Yeah, I do. All right,
good. Without a brain? Huh. I know a lot of people
like that, and I guess they lived. No, anyhow,
go ahead. That's a different type. Oh, oh, okay,
okay, thank you, Robin. This one's literally.
Well, I don't know, some of it might take her,
too. I'd swear some of the people I know is literally,
too, but anyhow. Well, yeah. But this one is
actually medically diagnosed. Okay, that's the
difference. Okay, that's the difference. Okay.
Alex Simpson of Omaha, Nebraska was born with
a rare condition known as hyperencephalia. Why
don't they just name it no brain syndrome? Right,
but that's the last time I'm going to say this
word. Babble snatch. Yeah, babble snatch syndrome.
Wow. Family said that doctors told them that
their daughter would likely not live past the
age of four. When asked why they believe Alex
has lived so much longer than expected, both
Sean and Lorna said, love. Simply love. What
a cool... Mm -hmm. So this, she's literally like
a, what is it, Ashley Sivo or Slivo? Yeah, she
only has a small part of her swiveling. She has
no brain. She can't see, she can't hear, but
her family says she can sense that. Sivo. Shivo,
Ashley Shivo or something like that, or Erica
Shivo or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this
is like that, where her dad comes in the room
and her eyes follow him and all that, but she
just can't speak or do anything, right? Yeah.
Okay. Remember that huge court case that went
on about that and her husband eventually had
her plug pulled, even though her parents didn't
want it to happen? That's right. No, I know,
no, this is a, so she's like at the house, is
that it? At their house? Yeah, she, yeah. Wow.
Yeah, I guess. It's like a paraplegic or somebody
with MS or cerebral palsy or whatever. Something
like that. Yeah, but she can't see, she can't
hear, but she can sense people around her. I
can totally. Go ahead, do you want to go into
it? Yeah. Okay. It goes on to say, 20 years ago,
we were scared, but in faith, I think she's really
what kept us alive, he said. She's a fighter,
born and had it. Terry Shivo, that was the name.
Anyhow, go ahead, I'm sorry. Yeah, Terry Shivo.
Yeah. Okay. I agree. Anyway, I was going to try
to say it. It occurs in 1 in 5 ,000 to 1 in 10
,000 pregnancies. And the condition is usually
fatal within the first year of life per the Cleveland
claim. Wow. And this girl just turned 20. Isn't
that amazing? hey i you know what i had to bring
this story i love that story thank you um i agree
with the parents you know i mean she's getting
something out of it they would know they're the
parents right yeah and the brother yes these
are people that would know I think sometimes
there's more to life and more to life and yourself
in particular than people ever give it credit
for. You know what I mean? Right. If I'm saying
that correctly, what I mean, I think people.
Yeah. Yeah. I think that we're taught certain
things and people, you know what I mean? And
I think a lot of stuff that we're taught is just
simply what people thought that they knew, but
they really don't know. And this is one of those
things. We think, okay, without a brain, you
can't do this or that. Do we really know that?
I don't know if we really know that. That's just
my thought on it, but, you know. I mean, I've
been operating without a brain for quite a while
and doing okay, right? I've been doing 57 years.
See? See? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm latter 50s. Still
plugging along, even though I don't have a brain.
Ask my buddy. I don't like the show. No, I'm
not going to. You know what? I'm going to quit
that. I've got nothing against him. Love the
guy. Everyone can have a differing opinion. I
just don't appreciate it being put out like that.
That's all. Yeah, it was disappointing. It was
disappointing, but, you know, whatever. You know,
people change, too. We may not be talking about
the same person, you know. So, all right, I got
a little one here. On October 14, three masked
individuals approached the front door of a home
in Alexandria, Virginia, rang the video doorbell,
and began threatening the woman who answered.
WJLA 7 News reported, the terrified resident
called her brother, who arrived with a handgun
less than two minutes after the trio left. and
then the police, who began an investigation.
News of the unsettling incident had the community
on edge until October 27, when Alexandria Chief
of Police Tarek Maguire announced during a press
conference that the culprits had been found and
that the whole thing was a prank. The masked
would -be intruders were actually the teenage
sons and nephew of an adult related to the victim.
For me, my team in this community, it represents
a moral failure, McGuire told a gathering of
the press, a moral failure where consequences
could result in deadly consequences. After consulting
with attorneys and the victims, the decision
was made not to press charges, but this guy is
right. The law enforcement guy is absolutely
correct. How many people get shot over that?
Yeah. Yeah. Not smart. Not smart. So, Rob, you
got one more or are we going to cut this down
because I have to be out of here at nine? Well,
yeah, that's all I got because I really don't
know how much voice I got left. Okay, well, we
will throw a little bit of some other show in
there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. We have not
gotten a hit from Hicksville in about a month
and a half, so I'm going to quit mentioning them.
Hi, Albuquerque. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Ricky. Hi, Grandma
Opal. We love you guys. Good night, assholes.
Yeah, yeah, we do. Yeah, we do. Good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.