Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
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magic happen. Hi all, this is Chicago. I am the
most dangerous city in North America. You can't
touch me. Oh, yeah? This is Kansas City here.
Hold my beer, bitch. Hey, my fellow heavy breathers.
This is Dash Riptide. Your music news. Megadeth
has announced a final album and a 2026 global
farewell tour. To conclude their career after
40 years, the first wave of tour dates for a
Latin American leg in April and May 2026 will
more dates be announced. For the worldwide tour,
while the full tour schedule has been released,
tickets for the initial dates are available,
and there is also an announced performance with
Iron Maiden Concert in Harrison, New Jersey,
in September 2026. This is Gash Riptine, and
that was your music news. If it's too loud, you
probably have ear damage, just like me. And now...
Deep Thoughts with Mark. Math class is the only
place where you can buy 60 cantaloupe and 50
watermelon and nobody seems to give a shit. Oh
man, what the fuck is this? Is this a new feature?
What's inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me.
I wonder how Whataburger got their name. Hmm,
let's see. Did they first try Whata Chicken Nugget?
I don't know. Yes, it's true. Mark is an old
bastard. It's also true that Mark uses a lot
of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell you,
if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,
It's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. This is Joshua
Belmont, your food for thought man on The Hustle.
So I just realized a genius that gets absolutely
no credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is
credited with the first bag of salad mix that
was bagged and sold. Yesterday was his birthday.
I believe he is still alive. This guy's genius
will never be fully appreciated. Before this
man... We settled for iceberg lettuce with maybe
a couple of croutons and some cheese. Was Mr.
Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no. He realized
that Billy Americana would never go out and buy
a couple of radishes, a couple of carrots, a
head of purple cabbage, maybe snow peas, and
possibly some cute romaine lettuce for extra
bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have a national
holiday. Your mama's so fat, she makes Godzilla
look like an etching figure. Two douchebags and
microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. That was a
word for now, but I'll take it. I know. I didn't
even go into we're like 3 .1 miles anywhere,
nothing like that. I'm like, you know what, just
screw it. I'm just going to go on. I keep making
this thing longer and longer, and we keep making
yours longer and longer, and I'm like finally
going, you know what. I went through it too quick.
If I wouldn't have known he was chewing on a
donut, I would have made up something like 3
.1 miles away from, I don't know, the Johnson
County Detention Center. You know, something
stupid. But, anyhow. Oh, well. All right. Like,
I've talked about the zombie crawl in Eureka
Springs for a while now, right? It's been, what,
about three episodes? I've been yerping about
it, right? Something like that? Three or four?
All right. I have one huge question. Let's say
I actually get a balcony room right in front
of the zombie crawl route. I want to know, what
if there's a hot chick zombie and I throw her
beads? Would that be disrespectful to the dead?
I don't know. I don't know either. You know what?
All right, New Guy, I'll ask New Guy, and we'll
come up with something on the next episode, okay?
I was not expecting this, so I didn't get anything
from New Guy. So we'll have New Guy investigate
this, and we'll have New Guy get back to us.
Is that okay? Sounds good. All right. He's already
giving me a dirty look. Yeah, okay. I don't know.
Did you ever do anything to him, Rob? What's
his problem? I never did anything to him. you
gave him like 50 bucks didn't you or some shit
i don't know yeah i gave him a bunch of pencil
shavings over and over i don't know what he expects
i mean pencil shavings and 50 bucks shit he should
be in he should be in high heaven so all righty
um the last uh full week I'm hoping people book
the wrong day for the zombie crawl next year.
I'm waiting for the official announcement soon
on the actual day because what I was getting
ready to go into is the last full week in October
next year is October 24th and 25th. The last
day of October is Halloween and that's on Saturday.
So that last weekend wouldn't be a full week.
So I don't know if it's the 24th. Or if it's
actually on Halloween. If it's on the 24th next
year, I'm boned, I think. Because I think it's
going to be... I couldn't book the rooms at where
I was at a year in advance. So I have no hope
in probably booking something for the zombie
crawl down there for next year. But, oh shit,
hang on. I just had something pop up. It says
I can book a room at the Benton House Inn on
Spring Street. And let's see. Wow. Google listens
to you so much. It says that's where the parade
route. Actually, I enjoyed this time that Google
listened to me. Ease dropped on me. It says the
parade route starts a block away from that. So
it would go right by the Benton House. And the
Benton House has balconies. You know what? I'll
look at that later. There might be some hope.
I might be able to get zombie crawl footage.
I might be able to get out there and interview
zombies next year. We'll see. And who knows,
you might come along too, right, Rob? Maybe.
All right, we'll see. We'll see. We'll go out
there and, like, I don't know, mess him with
zombies or some shit. Oh, no, I would like to,
since I bought the Ghost Tour guy a cappuccino
and kind of made peace with him, I'd like to
talk to him about, you know, about... how long
he's been doing it and what he knows and some
of the weirdest things he's seen. Cause whenever
he's not doing the ghost tour, he hangs out at
the Crescent. I don't know if he stays there
or if that's like his, you know, home base or
whatever. So I'd like to talk to him and a couple
other people that have been there. And some of
the elders that run the bed and breakfast, like
I said last time. So we'll see. Um, anyhow, it
says it's fully refundable. So if I do book the
wrong weekend, and um they don't have a room
i could just cancel this and go on so yeah you
know and then you know what the benton house
i know that okay there's a kick -ass vinyl record
store right next door to that uh so you know
i'm gonna go ahead and uh say i'm gonna i'm gonna
bring an extra two hundred dollars because we
know vinyl right you see something cool in vinyl
it's irresistible isn't it yeah you can't you
walk by and you go i'm not gonna wait a minute
what is it no no fuck you end up going back and
getting it whether you leave or you do it right
then you end up getting it right is that agreed
you end up getting vinyl yeah i mean vinyl just
it does something to a man it's just like um
it screws your thinking pattern up to where you
have to have right I got to find mine. I've got
like 20 of them that are unaccounted for of old
vinyl. Some of them signed, like I have a Blackie
Lawless signed a Crimson Idol from Wasp. I've
got that somewhere. Don't know where it's at.
I've got some tour books. Of course, I'm not
going to hang them up, but I got some autographed
tour books that I'd like to have too. Anyhow,
I got to do some digging because I'm going to
rearrange this whole thing and try to come up
with. some video or something for this and maybe
try her hand at video casting for a while and
see how well that goes i think i could do a picture
within a picture and here's what i'm talking
about that rob okay since i call you on the phone
right i could do a video call and i could turn
you around towards the video so there'll be a
smaller video of you and a video of me what do
you think of that you think that will work for
a while maybe maybe you know what we'll tell
We'll talk about all that stuff later because,
I mean, I'm sure that that's not, you know, people
don't want to hear that. You know what I mean?
I think that's very entertaining, so we'll go
on. Okay, so Rob, you ever eat something spicy
and immediately regret it? Yeah, all the time.
Yeah, me too. Well, that thing could be a thing
of the past, thanks to a team of researchers
from China. The team claims to have created an
artificial tongue that can quickly detect spice
levels in your food. All right, I'm going on.
I'm going on. This piqued my interest a little
here. And not necessarily because I'm going to
use it, but I want to, you know what I mean?
I want to find out more about this. This is interesting.
This taste testing device resembles a small transparent
square of soft gel that consumers can place on
their tongue. No word on the cost of this device
or when it will be available or when or where.
I mean, I would think it would be selling in
America, but who knows. So, Rob, I think what
I'm going to do is I'm going to stick with the
old -fashioned way of doing this and trick someone
else into trying it first. Isn't that the best
way? Yeah. Yeah, you know the old Mikey likes
it, if anyone's old enough. If not, Google it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Life cereal, you know. Mikey,
I'm not going to try it. Mikey, he'll try anything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll find a Mikey and you
go, hey, man, this stuff is great. Give it a
try. Here, here, here. Here's a big spoon. Grab
a whole bunch of it. And then they start vomiting
and shaking and spitting everywhere, you know,
not to eat it, right? Yeah. Yeah. All right.
So there's a study out. Of what Americans fear
the worst? California's Chapman University had
a study and found out what the most common fears
across the country are. The annual survey of
American fears is an in -depth look at common
fears and the anxiety that accompanies it. Researchers
interviewed 1 ,015 adults. 1 ,000? Okay. Why
in the world would you do 1 ,015 adults? Why
don't you just do 1 ,000 or 1 ,500? Why isn't,
yeah, 1 ,015. What a weird number. I don't know
why they came up with that. So anyhow, so the
most common fear of Americans polled was corrupt
politicians at a whopping 69 .1%. I think that's
very understandable. The next one is followed
by people you love becoming seriously ill at
58 .9%. That's my first fear. Politicians are
way down the line because I already accept they're
all corrupt, right? You know, to me, that's not
even a question. We know that a majority of them,
if you heard their name, they sold their asshole
a long time ago and they're going to do what
they can to stay in power. So that's not my worst
fear. And then coming in at third is economic
or financial collapse at 58 .2%. And you know
what? I get that. You know, too many people live
paycheck to paycheck. And I get that, you know,
someone gets ill, something happens, you know,
some uninsured motorist hits you and your insurance
is, ah, screw off, we're not paying you. And
then all of a sudden you need a car to get to
work. All kinds of things happen like that, right?
And so I get that. So financial collapse, I definitely
get that one. Okay, so coming in at number four
is uncertainty over President Trump's tariff
policy. Number five is cyberterrorism at 54 .9%.
And it didn't say what number four, what the
percentage is. Oh, hang on here. Let's see. Let
me look at the original article here. 55 .3.
Okay. So number six is becoming involved in another
war at 54 .3%. Russia using nukes is 53 .7%.
Pollution in ocean water is 53 .6%. Pollution
in food and water, 53 .5%. Government tracking
and personal data comes in at 52 .7%. And why
they're worried about it now, because they've
been tracking us a long time now. I mean, I don't
know why they're worried about it now. I mean,
you know, they already know everything they know
about you. All right, so I move on from that.
A friend at work has to have testosterone replacement
at a men's clinic, right? um he had been feeling
run down and lethargic you know of course the
lower sex drive and you know all that fun with
old age shit right so uh yeah i mean it happens
you know and we're there we can't dodge it you
know some people delay it a little bit longer
than others but it all happens so he was describing
to me what he has to have done to receive his
testosterone First off, the doctor will have
to take a spring -loaded gun with an inch and
a half needle and shoot his penis with a spring
-loaded gun. Does that sound horrible? A spring
-loaded gun with an inch and a half needle. He's
got to inject that into the man's penis, my friend's
penis. Can you believe that shit? Oh my God,
when he's telling me, I'm sitting there squirming
going, okay, enough, enough. So he has to receive
several shots of this. And get this, if that
wasn't enough great news, he will have a half
erection for 36 hours afterwards. Oh my God.
Yeah. He has baggy pants picked out to wear because
he's going to have to work a couple of those
days. You know, I could be a real dick and just
stare at him so other people will look and see
his half -hard wiener. People go, oh, hey. But
you know what? It's not funny. I like the guy.
He's a great friend of mine. But my gosh. Oh,
you know, I think I would just suffer with low
testosterone. Fuck that noise. What do you think,
Rob? yeah yeah yeah that's i i'm sorry i mean
i that's one of those things where you um weigh
the scale and it's like yeah you know what it's
close enough i'm just not going to do it so um
unfortunately i think like the low testosterone
also lends to you being sickly um and and um
could lead to catastrophic illness i believe
if what i read is correct so that's why you want
to do it i mean yeah you know everyone still
likes to do it and stuff like that and makes
you feel young and it's great and all that but
still you know you know injecting your penis
with a spring -loaded gun and then walking around
with a half erection for 36 hours no you know
but if it lads if it lends to catastrophic illness
and not being well then i can understand why
you would have to have it done so um so anyhow
um The acid reflux that sent me to the hospital
a few months ago is actually being controlled
better with bitters. Do you know what bitters
is, Rob? I do not have a clue. It's alcohol.
It comes in little bottles and it's for a mixer.
They are the most horrible tasting shit you've
ever tasted in your life. It tastes like that
colonoscopy stuff times five. Yeah, that colonoscopy
gunk, that black gunk that they make you drink,
it tastes worse than that. I'm not kidding you.
And it's called Underberg, the bitters that I
get from Amazon, and they work so well. I take
them, and it's instant relief from acid reflux.
The stuff is just, it's a miracle drug. It works
better than anything else. It works better than
the... Phenadonidine, I think is what it is.
Pepsid AC prescription strength or something
like that. And it works better than the Omeprazole.
It works better than all of this stuff. Gas X,
all of that. But it is the most horrible tasting
stuff. You know, I use it after I eat or drink
something that triggers my acid reflux because,
you know, I like pasta. Red sauce fucks me up.
Red sauce will make me stay up all night with...
indigestion and thinking i'm having a heart attack
when i'm not and all that because um indigestion
will kind of like make your heart palpitate right
have you ever had it like that rob yeah yeah
yeah and it sucks and you're always questioning
it like hmm okay i think this is reflux but man
Should I maybe call somebody? And that's what
led to me going in the ambulance that one day
and all that and all these fantastic medical
bills that I have. But it was great to get peace
of mind and it was worth every penny, let me
tell you that. And I'm glad we have such a fantastic
medical system in America. you know it's uh so
i use these bitters after drinking acid reflux
and the problem is is this i slam my black coffee
before i get in my jeep right so black coffee
really screws it not just me but everybody that
has acid reflux black coffee has a lot of acidity
in it that triggers acid reflux really bad um
i I'm supposed to quit drinking coffee, but I
have to drink some to wake up. And I usually
drink cold coffee, but I ran out of cold coffee
that morning. So I had to slam black coffee.
So bam, all of a sudden, I get this horrible
reflux. So I begin to feel burning driving to
work. I grab the bottle of bitters and I take
a swig. So I told you about how horrible bitters
taste, right? So the bitters is so rancid, it
almost makes you puke when you take a swig. It's
like battery acid sounds more tasty than bitters,
actually. So, always bring along a Gatorade or
something like that, not for just being thirsty,
but in situations like having to slam bitters,
right? Well, like I said, I'm heading to work
and bam, I have a big, I take a big swig, you
know, almost vomit. I reach for my Coke and realize
I forgot to pick it up on the way out, Rob. I'm
sitting there. I slammed this horrible tasting
shit. I'm almost puking, and I'm driving in cars
in front and behind me on a single -legged road.
And I can't get that horrible taste out of my
mouth, and I keep kind of dry vomiting a little
bit. Finally, I got to a side road, and I stopped,
and I stopped the car, and I just started spitting
and spitting and spitting until I got some of
that taste out of my mouth. But my gosh, it's
horrible. And also on a completely unrelated.
Now, I'm going I know I'm brushing through a
bunch of stuff here, but I mean, so I have a
podcast suggestion. Frank Bull, Kansas City radio
legend and TV legend has a podcast called There's
Something Special About Kansas City. The newest
episode is an interview with Johnny Dare, and
it is really good. Really, really good. He gives
you more insight over everything that happened
to lead to his career than his final show did
on The Rock. Frank Boll, he's a genius. at interviews
and he's also a really good sports guy he was
a sportscaster for years then he went into radio
and now i think he does radio like a like i don't
know once a week or something on a on a show
i think he might be on syringe show or something
um but um he has a podcast called there's something
special about kansas city and if you are a fan
of radio and johnny dare or kansas city radio
listen to it Johnny, he's very candid. He talks
about his whole career in radio from his beginnings
as a co -host on Z Rock for an hour a day to
join in the rock. Dinner skinny on all the people
he worked with during that time. This thing is
a complete gem. And he doesn't really throw shade
on anybody. That's not his style. He doesn't
do that. But he did describe some situations
that I was wondering about very well. without
really saying something bad about the person
he kind of described it very well and i i appreciated
that because to me it was completely honest and
so um anyhow like i said i do expect to see him
back in radio i'm not not exactly sure the timeline
i'm sure he's getting paid right now i think
they even alluded to that on the podcast but
you know usually what they do is they pay you
off for the rest of the year send you bye -bye
and then they they're hoping people forget about
you while you're gone and then they have they
establish this other show and they're thinking
okay people get used to listening to this show
and they won't go back to johnny so and i don't
even know if he'll be in the same time slot but
you and i both predict he'll be at the rock and
i'm saying mid next year he'll be at the rock
and so and i and i'm not even sure if it's going
to be mornings i mean i think they're jordan
and sparks is doing pretty well I think it's
Jordan and Sparks, something like that. I know
Sparks is one of them, and I think Jordan is
the other one, but whoever they are, they're
doing well, I do believe. So I think Johnny could
fit into one of the other shows. Chuck Nasty
and Doug Metlock are both in their 70s, I believe,
and I'm sure they don't want to go on forever.
Johnny's a little bit younger than that, so he
could go in and do very nicely for quite a few
years for 101 the Fox. He's already a legend
around Kansas City. He knows what he's doing.
the ropes he knows radio so you know he'd be
an excellent addition to anybody but as far as
the whole morning crew i doubt if the rock just
doesn't do that they hire the talent that they
want but they don't hire everybody like i said
before so uh anyhow i have more but oh you know
what i want to go into one more thing okay a
lot of people kind of compare us to different
types of shows and stuff like that i guess would
be the best way to describe it okay The reason
we have this show like it is, the reason we have
this podcast like it is, with the bits and the
parody bits and the little this and that and
the little funnies and the ha -has is, it's only
me and Rob. To do this kind of a show, we have
to have parody bits. We have to have stuff like
that to keep it going. Yet we have to keep it
fresh and there's only two of us. We did not
want to be a point counterpoint. We did not want
to be a political. We did not want to be a paranormal,
but we might do a paranormal show because of
the numbers. We might have to because of the
numbers. Okay. Okay, that would work in the paranormal
one. Oh, okay. That's cool. We will have to talk
about that off of the podcast. Because I'm very
interested in stuff like that, too. Of course,
it won't be on the douchebags because you and
I, we actually, we cut ourself and we did Blood
Brothers that we would never change the format,
right? Right. Yeah. Yeah. But we did it our way.
We did it with penises. We cut each other's penis
and rubbed them together. And the blood. Yeah.
So we're penis Blood Brothers, so we can't change
the format of this. Yeah, we can't. Yeah. Well,
we should do it, though. show yes we can sorry
sorry i got erect rob i i don't know what happened
i you know i don't know yeah i yeah i yeah it's
weird i it was very awkward but i didn't i yeah
yeah but um i didn't look you in the eye so you
know so it's okay that's you know what that is
it all right rob we turn to you Uh -oh. Yes,
and this is something I eyewitness, and it's
funny as shit. Me and Princess went from Wheatland,
and we had to go over to Nemo to pick up a pizza
for Mom and Dad for dinner. Godfathers. Godfathers,
yeah. Eagle Stop. That's at Eagle Stop over there.
Okay. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I had to come across
with that news break. Everybody wanted to know
what it's going to be like in Cleveland. Well,
that's her, but it's five miles away. Yeah, five
miles away. I'm sure it's a county, a great county
sheriff's department car on fire. Rob, when you're
done with what you're going to say, a little
bit later on when we get ready to go into our
break, I've got a dumpster fire story for us.
So anyhow, go ahead, keep going. Okay, well,
I've got something else here. Okay, cool. That's
just something I had to throw in. I love that.
I love that. Everybody's wondering what it's
going to be like living over there. Come on.
Oh, I can't wait to be talking in here. I'm just
assuming that people listened to the last episode
and the one before and the one before. But yeah,
thank you, Rob. You're right. Someone may just
be joining us and going, what? And it shakes
the house, doesn't it? That is pretty cool. So
you're still going to be able to get to see the
last episodes. Yeah. So they've already wrapped
up, don't they? The show, 14 years. Okay. I can't
believe that show lasted 14 years. Can you? 14
years and 46 seasons. That just astounds me because
I never thought the show was that good myself.
Did you like it? Yeah, yeah. It was like another
one of those funniest home videos, you know?
Okay, all right. Just for people on skateboards
and stuff. Okay, all right. Well, I guess that's
probably the appeal of it then. A lot more face
plants. Just put it that way. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I love face plants. Yeah, that makes the show
right there. So, all right. Very cool. What was
I going to... Oh, okay. quite a few years ago
over 20 years ago I was doing overnights for
a while I had to until some jobs opened up in
the union and I was running a flatbed laser cutting
stainless steel right with it so and I was doing
this overnights so me and the guy that I was
working with we had to have two people there
at nights because of OSHA rules and Otherwise,
it's just going to be me. And I was ready for
that. I was like, oh, hell yeah. I'll get everything
done in the first three hours and then fucking.
Well, I used to go to the casino right across
the river. This is in North Kansas City. And
I get everything done and I would have the guy
I was working with keep watch. And if anyone
came around, he would text me real quick and
say, hey, you got to come back from lunch. Wink,
wink. Right. So I go over to the casino and play
some slots. and uh and you know for a few hours
then come back and all this so it turned out
to be cool we could you know screw off and everything
i didn't really care this is just a job to keep
me busy for a little while right so um we used
to smoke cigars and cigarettes in the shop and
um and so they were kind of catching on because
uh the guy i worked with accidentally left a
couple of cigarette butts inside the building
and one of the big bosses found him he's like
hey who did this and well it had been nights
because they didn't do it during the day because
someone would have saw him so we've been warned
a couple of times right but that didn't matter
so i um i just got done dumping the laser dust
do you know anything about laser dust especially
like stainless steel okay the laser dust is extremely
flammable I mean, it will almost, if you have
it in a container, it will blow up big time.
But if it's open, yeah, it will flash if it's
open. I mean, really just flash. So I pour that
stuff in the dumpster because actually we shouldn't
have been doing that. It was actually, you know,
a toxic chemical of sort. It was a hazardous
chemical. And it's supposed to be stored different
in, like, barrels and stuff like that. But the
company didn't give a shit. You know, they're
just like, I just throw it in the dumpster. So
the guy I was working with, I don't want to say
his name so no one will catch on or nothing.
So the guy I was working with and me, I was smoking
my cigar. He's smoking his cigarette. And we
see a car pulling. We're like, oh, shit. So I
took and I flicked my cigar. um the guy is working
with he flicked his on the ground i flicked mine
in the dumpster where i just threw the metal
dust that thing went up i'm like oh shit so there's
a huge fire right next to the building and it's
going up i don't know about 20 foot i'm not kidding
you I'm like, oh, shit, man. Damn. So anyhow,
we had to have the fire department come down
and put it out and everything. And I was like,
oh, man, I'm fired. Yeah. Oh, I didn't really
care for the job that much. I'm like, oh, shit,
I'm fired. So the next morning, you know, they're
like, well, what happened last night? The dumpster
is black. I caught on fire. How to do that? And
I go, you know what? There is some guy out there
hanging out. And this is before cameras were
a big thing, right? I just made this shit up
on the fly. And I go, I wonder if he was, like,
smoking or something. Like, maybe flicked it
in there. You know, we shouldn't be throwing
that dust in the dumpster anyhow. That's really
dangerous. And they're all, like, kind of looking
at each other like, oh, shit, it was our fault
for having to do that. And so I got away with
it. Like, yeah, I threw it in the dumpster like
you told me to. And there's some guy out there
hanging out. And, you know, I tried to run him
off. And they're like, okay. you know so they
they bought it and they didn't act funny about
it or nothing they completely believed it so
that worked and then um another time is the guy
is working with um this was a long narrow building
okay and um and it had doors on each side and
during the summertime when it's like i mean that
you know it's like a hundred during the day and
it didn't really cool off any at night and we're
running the laser in a metal shop it's hotter
than hell in there okay so we have to have both
doors open so we'll get a breeze and the one
way down there the door way down there i mean
is a long ways down there i mean is over the
size of a football field probably one and a half
football fields that's how long the the building
was that we worked in was the lunchroom so um
the guy that i was working with he got mad at
me and i'm like what he goes man he goes why
do you keep eating my lunch? I go, I'm not. He
goes, you have to be. You're the only person
in here. Man, you, you have to be eating it.
I go, motherfucker. I said, I'm not eating it.
So the next day my lunch was gone. I'm like,
dude, I go, I go, dude, you know, I didn't steal
your lunch. I have not been stealing your lunch
and I don't appreciate you stealing my lunch
to get me back for something I didn't do. And
he goes, what? I go, yeah. I go, my fucking lunch
is gone. I knew you took it. He goes, wait a
minute, wait a minute. He goes, no, I didn't.
i go okay then something's going on all right
so we decided you know the door is open down
there so we wait we wait and we're looking nothing
nothing nothing nothing so a couple nights later
our lunches weren't disappearing or nothing a
couple nights later i see a flash down there
like a shadow i go hey um i almost said the guy's
name i go hey um I think I saw something down
there. I was thinking animal for some reason,
but an animal couldn't open up the cooler, right?
We go in there and there's a homeless guy stealing
our lunches. Yeah. And my buddy's about ready
to kill me. He's thinking I was stealing his
lunch. And I'm like thinking he's getting me
back for something I didn't do. And I was madder
than hell. Anyhow, it wasn't either one of us.
It was a homeless guy that knew that we're on
the other side. And our lunches were way over
there, a football field and a half away. So he's
going in there grabbing them, fucking running
off with them and eating them. So it sucked.
We had to just sweat our ass off and lock that
door so he couldn't get in. The only door was
up near us on the other side, and we'd see him
coming in there. Anyhow, let's see. What was
I going to get? You know what? I don't know where
I was at, but here we go. Let's take our first
break. We're going to come back with some emails.
Good? Sounds good. That's what's going to happen.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
The closest you'll come to a brainstorm is a
light drizzle. You watched the news. It looks
grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable? We suggest
you download all our podcasts beforehand and
have multiple mobile chargers. We have the most
apocalypse. One of the most overlooked post -apocalypse
need is first aid. Have several kits and metal
canisters, one in your bunker and the rest buried
near natural markers such as odd trees or natural
clearings, gauze, salve, ointment, antibiotics,
sutures, thread, needles, sharp knives, and scissors
should be in all of the kits. Now it's time for
pickup lines from a loser. Hey girl, do you work
at Subway? Cause you just gave me a foot long.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm. How do
you tell when you're out of invisible ink? Huh.
I may never know. Tomorrow morning, while grinding
your coffee beans for your double mocha latte,
remember to not get your genitals caught in the
grinder. It really hurts. And who can afford
plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone. Sir, I
see your qualifications here. May I ask some
further questions that could help me determine
your employment eligibility? Yes, sir. I'm ready.
Well, as you can see here, we have a large population
of different ethnic backgrounds, sexuality, and
ages. Are you by chance bilingual? Well, sir,
I'm not sure why you need that kind of information,
but, well, it was only one time in summer camp.
I considered it experimental. Have you ever wondered
what something came about? Have you ever looked
at something and said, hey, I wonder what the
origin of that is? Well, so have we. That's why
we give you The Origin of. This is The Origin
of Rob Rad's Loin Cloth. Rob used to strip in
a nightclub called McCock's on the city's east
side. Rob was the only completely nude dancer
at the club. The other dancers were jealous of
Rob making all the cash and made him use a loincloth
to dance with. Rob soon had to wear his loincloth
daily. He found out that he could get out of
traffic tickets, sell vinyl siding, and pick
up hotties at the come and go. Rob now wears
his loincloth everywhere except work. Sparks
plus pubic hair equals to bad things. I got a
neat little story here about a little prank that
me and Davey, my friend that I refer to often,
played. You know the old Bannister Mall, remember
that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy, that was an area
for a lot of fucking fun. We used to get away
with murder at that place. We had done the stupidest
shit. Well, there was a security guard, a little
short little fucker, kind of a little dumpy little
guy named Sam. And he hated us longhairs. We
were in there getting all the chicks, and he
didn't fucking like it. Sam used to always try
to get me kicked out. And Davey, too, but more
me. He really hated me for some reason. So he'd
always screw with me. He got me kicked out for
about two weeks. Then we went to court, and then
the judge said, you can't kick him out. It's
a public mall. Yeah. So anyhow, you know, one
of the biggest ways to sell a hoax is to, we
found this out, was to have a setup guy that
no one knew. Just a guy to confirm what you're
saying. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did see that
monkey. Over there, yeah. Last I saw him, he
was on top of that building, and he was throwing
shit at somebody. The random witness you see
disappears. The random witness, yes. Yeah. So,
this guy, okay, this is Bannister Mall, early
1980s. Me and my good buddy Davey were hanging
out, and we were crazy long hairs that, you know,
the average teen would follow, you know, because
we're long hairs. We're kind of like the Pied
Piper of teens. People used to look at us and
go, well, there's the party. Let's just follow
them around until they go to it. I've done that.
Yeah, they used to do it all the time. We'd be
like, where are you guys going? Cleveland? Ohio?
No, Missouri. That guy looks like he might have
beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they'd just start
following us, and that's just the way it were.
And then we'd all introduce, hey, I'm so -and
-so, I'm so -and -so. We'd have a good time,
Cleveland Lake or something, slamming beers,
doing stupid shit. So Davey and I had certain
buddies that would walk up and hear the bullshit
that we're spewing and then help seal the deal.
They'd sell it completely. One guy that walked
around to help us was a punker named Jason. Jason
was really cool because he looked like the type
of guy that wouldn't like us. But we got to talking
to him and we saw eye to eye on everything except
music. Everything else we were the same, you
know. Fuck society, fuck the average guy, fuck
this, fuck that, you know. But when it came to
music, you know, we're like fucking listening
to Motley Crue, which you're like, yeah, and
he was listening to... I don't know, the Ramones,
or even deeper than that, you know, Dick Kennedy,
the Germs. Television. Yeah. Yeah, he was a real
punker. Yeah. He had an orange mohawk. Sweet.
Or black spike leather. And Doc Martens. So,
I mean, you know, you got the guy, right? You
know who I'm talking about. Great guy, though.
I'd love to know what happened to him. So, Jason,
if you happen to hear this abortion, please,
oh, I guess that's a bad word now, isn't it?
Oh. This atrocity. There we go. If you happen
to hear this horrible atrocity, then, you know,
hey, send us an email. Yeah. I forgot what the
valid email is. We put so many bullshit ones
out there, we can't remember our real one. I
know. There is a valid one, and I can't remember
what the hell it is. We also have an actual real
phone number. Hell if I know that one either.
Yeah, so I can't even remember the real one.
There you go. Show prep. Yeah. Here I was talking
about show prep and making a big deal out of
it, and I can't even remember our email. So,
anyhow, meanwhile, there's this one security
guard named Sam that I kind of alluded to or
actually went into a little bit. Sam was a jealous
little pussy bitch. He constantly tried to get
me kicked out and barred from the mall. And like
I said earlier, he did for a while, for a couple
of weeks. And we went to court. I got back in,
which really fumed his ass, burned his ass. Because
every time I seen him, I was like overzealous
about him. Hi, Sam, how are you? Can you come
over for dinner tonight, little guy? A little
tiny bit of authority, and it's gone. You look
cute today. I beeped his nose one time, and he
came out and went unglued. So, you know, me and
Davey used to play mean tricks on Sam constantly.
Sounds like he deserved it. Oh, he did, you know.
So we quickly went to Jason to be the casual
guy walking by to sell it. So Jason's over in
the corner where the Mutant Theater's upstairs
used to be because then they went downstairs
for a while and then they disappeared. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they used to be upstairs, mid -upstairs.
So I think right across from Food Court maybe.
If I remember correctly. Well, now in my mind
I'm getting confused with Ward Parkway because
their movie theater shifted around a bit too.
Okay, well, anyhow, this is when they were upstairs
because I remember that part well because people
were coming in to go to movies and we're screwing
with them. Yeah. So Davey and I set this one
up perfectly. We had a buddy that he won a backstage
pass to Great White. I'll remember that. It's
a video shoot, okay? As an extra. Oh, that'd
be cool. Yeah. And he was in it. I don't know
if it was once bit or something else, but he
was in it. And on the back was stamped used.
But on the front, it had an MTV logo. It didn't
have a specific band. It didn't say Great White.
It just said, Extra for MTV Video Shoot. And
I remember it really well. It was green with
an orange MTV on it with her famous logo. Yeah.
It was really cool looking and it was like made
with some sort of a really thick paper and it
was engraved, I guess. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was
raised. It felt great. It felt like the seal
of something. Embossed paper. Embossed, yeah.
Raised printing. Raised printing, whatever. Makes
it a lot harder to counterfeit. Plus it makes
it look cool. So our friend agreed to let us
borrow this for a little while. We got it back
to him like we said. We didn't tear it up or
steal it or nothing. Davey started waving the
card in the air and making fun of me because
he got this and I didn't. He was like, hey, I'm
going to be on this whatever. So, they'd wait
around going, I'm going to be on the video and
you're not because you're too stupid and you
couldn't win and all this stuff, right? So, this
magical card was supposed to be a freebie to
be an extra on the set of MTV. This is what we
set it up to be, right? A list of hundreds of
bands, the secret MTV guy walking around, he
was walking around the mall and this was going
to be Sam eventually. So, the secret MTV guy
that has these free magical passes. was Sam,
only he didn't know it. So Davey's like, and
I'm like, fucking asshole. Yeah, all this stuff.
So automatically, see people getting ready to
walk in, right? Getting ready to go to a movie,
they're like, yeah, just like magnetic, they're
just staring at us. And Davey's like, and all
this stuff. I'm like, man, that sucks, man. You
get to go and I don't. So Davey is waving this
around, making fun of me, and Jason will walk
by. They go, yeah, I fucking won one too, but
I threw it at them because there's no punk bands
on it. Fuck that. I don't want to go. So all
of a sudden, those kids are fucking coming over
there. What was this? That's so clever. Oh, yeah.
We set it up perfect. So the reason that we picked
Sam to do this on that day was because we had
the card for a couple of days. He was wearing
plain clothes. And I guess he thought he was
going to catch shoplifters or something not wearing
his little fucking bitch outfit that he normally
wore. So Jason, instead of us, goes, yeah, that
fucking little douche right there is the one.
That's the secret MTV guy. We didn't even say
it. He did it. It sold it even more. Because
all these teens are like, you know, fucking their
heads spun around and they're staring at him.
So Jason said, yeah, he goes, yeah, I bit him
on the ear to get one. So the story was this.
It's getting better and better. The more outrageous
you were, the more likely you were to get a free
pass on MTV. Yeah. So automatically, he had like
50 teens jumping in front of him, fucking biting
his ear, kicking him in the ass. One guy was
clucking like a chicken in his face. Another
guy's like, look, I'm a bird. Some guy fucking
jumped off of one side. Another guy ripped off
one of the trees and hit him with a switch. And
Sam was just fucking freaking out, man. He's
like, what the fuck? And we're like, we want
a pass. We want a pass. He's like, what pass?
This probably went on for fucking 25 minutes.
He was losing his mind. Yes, he was. He didn't
know what was going on. What planet did I wake
up on? You get 10 teens away from him, right?
And then you have 10 more teens attacking. So,
look, we leave. We let this go on and let it
go downhill. And those teams told another one,
get the pass from that fucker. He didn't give
us anything. So this just kept rolling on and
rolling on and rolling on. We come back a couple
hours later. Oh, no, I know what we did. We went
to Andy's Santa Fe and had a burrito. I remember
the Andy's. We weren't even old enough to drink,
but we still did because they never carded there.
We both had margaritas. We were fucking laughing
at our feet on the table and shit. Davey had
fucking flip -flops on, so they eventually got
mad and kicked us out because you could see his
toenails hanging out. People didn't like that.
So, anyhow, we get back in. And all of a sudden
we see Sam coming by, all disheveled. By this
time, everything was gone. It was all said and
done. I go, hey, Sam. I go, do you want to know
where all that came from? Us. Davey pulled out
the card and said, see this? I go, yeah, you
just been had, bitch. Oh, he was fucking furious.
He turned right back. You motherfucker. I'm going
to get you out of here. I'm going to get you
guys kicked out for good. I go, what for? I didn't
do anything against them all. We didn't get kicked
out. That was one of the best fucking breaks
we ever played. It was brilliant. And I just
thought about it the other day. I'm like, my
God. There are some other ones I've got to remember
that we did to him, too. And then I got another
one. You listen to the solo cast, right? I'm
going to tell the story about the nut buyer.
Oh, yes. Oh, gosh. Two ass bags and a box of
Cheez -Its will be right back. And now we look
in on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Oh my, would you look at the Riley scattering?
It sure is brilliant tonight. First off, you're
on private property. Second, you're in my flower
garden. Third, if you're talking about the sunset,
yes, it is stunning. And finally... Would you
get the hell off my property, you annoying fucking
bastard? Strange, but true. There are deep -sea
fish with transparent heads and visible brains.
The barrel -eye fish looks like something from
an alien autopsy. Its head is literally see -through,
and you can watch its eyes swivel inside like
little green orbs of doom. We are Two Douchebags
and Microphone, Lord Falstaff's favorite podcast.
Yes, we had a podcast around way back then. Yeah,
the name that Falstaff Fair was named after.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. I like that for now. A
little bit better than the first one. All right.
And by the way, I was lying about Lord Falstaff.
Can you believe that? No. Okay. All right. Hey,
guys. Just show my support for a paranormal show
or series. I'd love to hear that. Thanks, guys.
Eklaine in New Jersey. E -K -L -A -I -N -E. Eklaine?
that's a unique name um yeah so um we do plan
on we we went over that at the very first of
the podcast yeah we we are probably going to
do this and we're probably going to have a guest
on it too it sounds like right possibly okay
yeah it's in the works we're going to do that
i mean the the numbers we hit just by tagging
the crescent i i couldn't i can't believe it
And whoever's listening to us jotting up and
down the Brazil coast, thank you. My gosh. Did
you see that? The whole thing, it's all lit up.
And I'm like, someone must have been driving.
Yeah, they had been driving down the coast listening
to us. Thank you, whoever you are. I'm like going,
wow, that's fucking cool. Yeah. Pretty much nothing
else in Brazil except on the coast all the way
down. It had to have been a highway. It's all
in a line. Anyhow, thank you, whoever you are.
And I hope you hear this and go, hey, hey, that's
me or whatever. All right. Why was the Mystery
Sports Guy show taken down? Also, it wasn't ever
put back up. Lonnie and Peoria. Lonnie, it is
back up. And I do have an intro because I got
a couple of people bitching about that. I have
an interesting intro to that. Okay, what I did
was I put it together one morning and I was in
a hurry and I forgot to put all of the parts
together. So I was all happy on the new intro
and all that being on there and I'm listening
to it on the way to work and all of a sudden
it cuts off after five minutes. I forgot to piece
it all together because I had to do it in segments
because I didn't have enough time to do it all
at once. So I forgot to piece it together. Then
when I realized that, when I got to work, I took
it down promptly. So you had to download that
in like, I don't know, 20 minutes. So thank you
for downloading it. But it's up right now. It's
ready to go. So Lonnie and Peoria, thank you.
All right, next one. Mark, would you wear a Colts
uniform if someone gave you a free one? Tone
and Indy. No, I'd burn it. I would fucking burn
it. And not only that, but I wouldn't even resell
it. I would fucking burn it. So, yeah, send it
in. I'll burn it. I am so glad that was your
question. Why? What would you have said? Pretty
much the same thing. Okay. I think they sent
it to me because I'm clearly the bigger football
fan. Yeah. Anyhow. So, anyhow, Tone and Indy,
Rob feels the same way. So send him one, too,
so we can both burn them. and i wipe my ass with
it first oh by the way yes and um i just i would
just have fun burning it that's all i mean you
know i'd probably stick it on a broomstick and
have it like a burning flag or something yeah
well anyhow um all right um where was i rob what's
your raspberry tart recipe theresa in green bay
Wow, we have football places here. Indian Green
Bay. That's cool. Shit. I don't have a raspberry
tart recipe. I don't like raspberry. Okay, I
have a raspberry tart recipe. I don't like tart.
I've got one. Do you want me to just go ahead
and fill in? Yeah, yeah, give them yours. Okay.
Okay, the first thing I do is I take 100 pounds
of flour and 50 pounds of water and 30 pounds
of dry yeast. I mix them all together. I flatten
it out into a huge circle. And I put 30 pounds
of raspberry. Was it a raspberry tart? Yeah,
it was a raspberry tart. Yeah, I put 30 pounds
of raspberry filler, pie filling in it. And then
I wrap it up to make it look like a tart. And
then I bake it for 10 hours. Okay. There you
go, Teresa in Green Bay. I wouldn't have known
any of that. I made that shit up. Okay. All right.
Oh, okay, Rob. This is for you. Rob, I need help
with my deer stand. Could you please wear docent
and put your bare ass in the air so we can attract
huge bucks? Thanks, dude. Mitch the Buck Hunter.
He's getting after you now. He is screwing with
you. He's not letting it go. He's not letting
it go, is he? If he can, he'll have his bare
ass in the air waiting for a buck. But the only
thing is you've got to make sure and get the
buck before the buck starts, like, humping him,
right? Well, yeah, trust me. I grew up up there.
Them deer know my ass. They probably miss it.
So there you go. All right, Mitch, there you
go. So the buck hunter. Okay, next one. Okay,
Mark, you're slowing down on the comedy segments.
Not bitching. Just would love more when you have
time. Zoe in Maine. I just did one of the origin
of, and it's the origin of Rob's loincloth. We're
going to be doing some more of Uncle Rob's tips
for life. Yeah, I mean, I've been really busy
and I just haven't had enough time. So there'll
be more. I have over a thousand segments. I think
what I need to do is I need to just start going
through them alphabetically and just throwing
them in there, you know, because there's so many
that I don't use. I have my favorites and I don't
even realize it because I'll listen to three
podcasts in a row. I'll be like, man, I use that
bit every time, you see, and I should go to something
else. someone hadn't heard in a long time it's
kind of weird to explain but you kind of get
your favorites that you like and you just throw
them in there because you think everybody likes
them but i i don't know so um oh yeah yeah i
can do clown nose on this one so i i agree clown
nose is a classic isn't it And it's so true.
You can murder someone in public and, you know,
put on a clown nose. Everyone's like, it's okay.
He's got a clown nose on. So, all right. Okay.
Next one. Hey, douches. I keep reading that a
growing number of people tried to abate arrest
by claiming to be a sovereign citizen. Could
you guys explain that to me and what exactly
that means entail? Millie in Santa Clara. Well,
Rob, you want to have New Guy do that? Yeah,
let's have it. All right, hey, New Guy. What
happens when someone says they're a sovereign
citizen to a policeman? Hello. This is the New
Guy, and I think these two bozos want me to explain
sovereign citizen and why people... say that
and you know when they're getting arrested or
whatever so here here's what i got i don't know
why these fucks can't google it but a sovereign
citizen is individually believes they are not
subject to government laws regulations or taxes
they can be exempt from them through certain
pseudo -legal arguments and tactics. They view
the government institutions like courts, police,
and tax agencies as illegitimate and argue they
are sovereign individuals who are not bound by
the country's laws. Their claims have been constantly
rejected by legal systems. Sovereign citizens
believe they can become sovereign by declaring
themselves separate from the government and its
authority. They often refuse to pay taxes, restore
their vehicles, and get a driver's license, and
may try to use specific phrases. or loopholes
in legal documents to evade laws. The movement
can appeal to people facing financial hardship
who are resistant to perceived government overreach.
There you guys go. Fuck these guys. Okay, wow.
New guy is still... I don't know what the hell,
man. What could we have done to him? You think
maybe like if this was like a Wednesday night
game, but no, we keep bothering. Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. He said something about, you know,
why don't you guys fucking Google it or something
like that. He was really pissed. Well, I mean,
okay, I understand that, but he's so surly. I
don't know why he's so surly. I mean, like I
said, you know, 50 bucks and like numerous pounds
of pencil shavings. I don't know. that's probably
it yeah well anyhow thank you new guy even though
you're surly and hate us thank you yeah so all
right rob let's turn it over to you okay well
it's that time again hell yeah Uh -huh. Uh -huh.
Cool. Interesting. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Wow. I thought
that was pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah, very much so.
A little history there. Yeah, thank you. A lot
of these are history. I didn't mean to be, but
they are turned out to be history. I like them.
I like them. That's cool. All right. Thank you,
Rob. Let's see. Where is it? Wannabe Magistrate
Wilbert. Mateo, 45, of Kansas City, Missouri,
was charged with burglary and stealing from a
Jackson County, Missouri courtroom. KSHB -TV
reported surveillance cameras spotted Mateo inside
the courthouse at Independence on October 2nd
around 3 .30 p .m. After speaking with workers
there, he slipped into parts of the courthouse
that are not covered by the cameras. Around 7
.30 p .m., he was recorded entering a courtroom
where he apparently spent the night. The next
morning, a witness saw Mateo and alerted officers.
They found him wearing a judge robes and carrying
three bags. Inside the bags were a small brass
dog statue, pens, and a sticky note with logging
credentials on it, along with three laptops,
data storage, electronic devices, and other office
supplies. Mateo said he planned to sell the items
to the highest bidder. But he didn't because
he's in jail. All right, Mateo, not very smart.
If you're going to steal something, don't take
a nap. Grab the shit and leave. So I think that's
the whole moral of the story there is grab the
shit and leave. All right, we are going to take
our second break. We're going to come back with
some Rob stuff. All right. Oh, man, what the
fuck is this? Is this a new feature? What's inside
Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me. If you took
my first name backwards, it would read as cram.
So you want proof that we love you here at QD
Spades and Microphone Central? Here's a proof
right here about the drink of the week. How to
make the famous Carnival Cruise Line Miami Vice
frozen drink. Two ounces Bacardi one, seven ounces
frozen pina colada mix. Three ounces strawberry
daiquiri mix. Half a hurricane glass of ice.
Blend it all together and serve with a slice
of pineapple and a maraschino cherry on top.
Bam. There you go. Miami Vice, carnival style.
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for
brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
A goat farm in Montana has a parrot trained to
call the goats in for dinner every night. Please
enjoy Brick Shithouse Energy Drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere because of
liability issues. Our constant pursuit for a
real knee slapper. It's strange insults from
an alien. Real hilarity. You seem to be suffering
from delusions of adequacy. And now we look in
on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could you please
put my plain bread in a small countertop appliance
with heating elements that would spring loaded
and would brown my bread adequately? Well, first
off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over there
sitting at the table having a drink. Second off,
are you talking about someone toasting your bread?
Why, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread
being toasted. Then why don't you just ask for
your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? The
hell's wrong with you? The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do. You don't know where
to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Ground ivy. is a persistent ground cover that
often escapes death by lawnmowers due to its
low profile it spreads by setting out roots from
its nodes and can colonize an area quickly ground
ivy is in the mint family so it has square stems
which help identify it although it's a mint it's
probably not something you would chew on for
that refreshing tingly taste that other mints
impart use young shoots and leaves and salads
are cooked But be sure to taste before adding
too much since it has a strong flavor that may
not go over well in a large quantity. Next up,
things overheard in hell. Howard Stern just signed
a 10 -year contract extension. Two douchebags
and microphone in an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you first world problems. Damn
it. I can't decide between nachos, chili, or
wings for the game tonight. This is bullshit.
I should not have to make decisions like this.
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. Rob we turn this over to you Wow. Wow.
That is a big amount. Okay. They're picking them
up. They're catching them on radar or whatever
they're using, you know. Uh -huh. And, yeah,
something's there. Yeah. Something's got to be
there. That many sightings. A lot of them are
eyewitness. 30 ,000. Yeah. That's pretty convincing.
That's very convincing. Wow. Three years ago,
over 30 ,000. That's, wow. There's something
happening. You can argue over what it is, but
there's something happening, definitely. Yeah,
and that's the UFOs coming out of the water,
not the skies. This is coming out of the water.
Okay. okay um i yeah i i mean i have so many
different thoughts on that and i'm sure you do
too i mean i really don't know what to say except
um there's something going on so yeah i mean
could they be experimental stuff from the government
of course yeah i mean they don't tell us so much
stuff Yeah, but, okay. Yeah, they would be saying
that, too. But, I mean, I don't know. 30 ,000?
I don't think the government could have 30 ,000
things like that. I don't know. So, interesting.
We're going to find out one of these days, I'm
certain. Like, one of these days, we're going
to piss them off and they're going to just come
down and just knock the shit out of us or something.
We'll find out. I think it's going to be sooner
or later. I think so, too. So, I forgot. I have
some ass paddlings. Want to do some ass paddlings?
All right. Um, now this has been over like a
month and a half since we've done ass paddling.
So there's some older ones up here, but that's
one of the reasons I need to get to them. Um,
so ass paddlings were developed because, um,
um, we, we believe that people need ass paddlings
when they do stupid shit. Right. And the only
way to really achieve this is to be, um, invisible.
So it has to be invisible ass paddling so we
can grab the person and then paddle them. They
can't see us to get away. So this all originated,
Topher and I were on a little vacation getaway
in Florida. And we're hanging out on the beach
one morning walking down sand. Our hair was blowing
gently in the wind and the sun was rising. And
we were not holding hands, although Rob and the
Duke always say we were. We were not holding
hands. Two guys can have a tender moment without
holding hands. But evidently Rob and the Duke
don't think that. Um, just, you know, strictly
just a couple of buddies walking down and I stubbed
my toe and I'm like, oh shit. And I look back
there and Topher goes, ah, that looks like a
genie bottle. And I'm like, yeah, it is not.
I walk over there. I go, Hey dude, it's a genie
bottle. And he's like, ah, what? I fucking told
you that. So. I know I quit. I quit since then.
I mean, those open toe things. Yeah, no good.
I mean, yeah, I was wearing my leopard skin Crocs.
I thought they were cool. With socks on. I was
wearing. Yeah, I was wearing my Bobby socks,
tube socks. And I was wearing those with, you
know, with the 1970s bands on the top of them,
stripes of colors and leopard skin Crocs. and
i stubbed my toe and you know as a genie bottle
i opened up and in the genie bottle hey the genie
he pops out he's like he was very condescending
he hated us he thought we're neanderthals and
he was probably right and we both go hey we get
three wishes and he rolls his eye he goes no
he goes no you watch too much tv you get one
wish one wish only make it count guys world peace
um pollution Make this count, guys. And Topher
and I looked at each other and said, we want
to be invisible so we can ask paddle people.
The genie very reluctantly rolled his eyes and
he said, I have to give you your wish. So, okay,
you got it. And then we get special permission
from the genie that Rob can also join Topher
and I in paddling people. And the paddle is in
replica of old Sparky that used to touch my bottom.
at Cass Midway High School. The last I knew,
old Sparky was retired and in the trophy case
at Cass Midway when you walk in the main entrance
in Midway High. and old sparky was a really delightful
piece of equipment it had a long wooden stock
it was solid wood and it had holes in the paddle
portion of it to where you could gather more
momentum when you're spanking someone's ass and
believe me it did not feel good so it's a replica
of old sparky and that's what we use on these
people so the first person that gets an ass paddling
on this list is mark sanchez we never covered
the story officially But Mark Sanchez, the former
quarterback for the New York Jets and then a
sports commentator, I think, I can't remember
what city it was in, but he took and he got into
an altercation and he got stabbed. But he was
going after somebody. So after he got out of
the hospital, he went to jail for felony attempted
assault or assault and battery or something like
that. So Mark Sanchez, the ex -quarterback and
now ex -sports commentator, I'm pretty sure,
he gets an ass paddle. Then Jerry Jones, the
owner of the Dallas Cowboys. He gets an ass paddling
because he got fined for taunting fans. And this
is a month and a half ago, too. But we never
officially covered that story either. So, so
far, we have Mark Sanchez and Jerry Jones. The
next one is the government. And this was a month
and a half ago, and it's still going on now.
And this would be the shutdown and both sides
being dicks and hurting the American people.
The government gets, and the government is going
to go into the Hall of Fame. What do you think?
Yep. Hall of Fame, and the Hall of Fame is simply
this. We can grab you out there and paddle you
at any given moment, no notice. And you're always
up there on the wall. As much as we like trying
to stay out of politics, if you're going to do
it, we're going to talk about it. Yeah, and we're
going to paddle your ass too. Yep. The next one
is Chris Jones. Chris Jones' body play is irritating.
Irritating. like the time he let Trevor Lawrence
fall down and then run in the end zone right
in front of him while he stood there watching.
That was the main reason, but his body play,
he's not that good anymore, and he's commanding
a lot of money, even held out to get more money.
Travis Kelsey renegotiated his contract to help
Chris Jones so he wouldn't sit out the season,
and now this is what we get for it? The next
one would be, and he doesn't deserve it now because
he's done better, but back then he did, and that
would be Harrison Butker for making a shit ton
of money and missing field goals and especially
extra points. The next one we just reported on,
the guy that broke into the Jackson County Courthouse
and wore judge's robes and was stealing items
until he passed out and was caught. Does that
agree? Should he get into the Hall of Fame or
not? Okay, all right. You're on notice. Fuck,
I didn't even put his name down. Just the guy
who did that. So, all right. Next one, Dan Campbell
and the Crying Detroit Lions. They definitely
need it. And this is a while back, like I said.
They need, they, I don't know if they're getting,
okay. They're not going to get the Hall of Fame
right now. But they're on the cusp of it. If
they do anything else stupid, they're in the
Hall of Fame. All right, the next one of Ask
Padlings is Stephen Markham for putting up body
bag decorations with district judges' names and
promptly gathering a felony charge for it. So,
and we covered that last podcast, not this one.
So he gets that, Stephen Markham, for doing that.
The next guy is Brian Branch, who we sent a get
well card after being bullied so bad by the Kansas
City Chiefs. for not owning up to his anger issues.
And Brian Branch probably should get the Hall
of Fame, but I'm not going to quite do it yet.
What do you think, Rob? Not quite yet. Okay,
if he does anything else... He's close. You're
close, Brian Branch. And I hope you got our Get
Well Soon card. And that was really sent to care
of the Detroit Lions. And then finally, the blind
-ass ref... Yeah, he probably won't. So, the
blind -ass referees in the NFL get the Hall of
Fame. I think they're already in the Hall of
Fame, but they get it again. Oh, they are fucking
worthless. Worthless. Even though I defended
them the other day, they're worthless. They're
horrible, and they need to find other jobs. They
can't do that job, obviously. They suck. And
that is the end of the Ask Paddlin', so we turn
it to you, Rob. Yay. Yeah, that's cool. That
is. Cool Okay. Which I vaguely remember that.
That's what I was thinking too. Yeah. Okay. Mm
-hmm. Wow. Yep. Oh, candy corn? Ugh, he ruined
it with candy corn. Yeah. I was all on board
until I heard candy corn. Thanks, Robert. We
were with you until that, dude. Robert Unglund,
we love you, but no candy corn. Yeah. Okay. All
right. Is that it? Yeah, that was it for that
story. Okay. Thank you, Rob. I got a little story
here I'd like to cover here real quick. Former
strip club employee Jordan Cotto, 26, arrived
at Atlantis Gentleman's Club in Tampa, Florida
on October 10th, hoping to speak with management,
the smoking gun reported. Instead, he got involved
in a verbal argument and grabbed a cheeseburger
from his car, which he hurled at a male victim.
The victim was unharmed, but police spoke with
Cotto, who said he did throw a cheeseburger from
his vehicle and would do it again if he needed
to. Cotto was arrested for battery and eventually
released on his own recognizance. That's it.
I just wanted to talk about the guy that threw
a cheeseburger at another guy in a strip club
parking lot. Fair enough? Rob? Yes, fair enough.
Sorry I had to help you. Oh, okay. That's cool.
I was making a little noise here. Oh, okay. That's
fine. It is 9 .15. Do you want to keep going?
You got another story? Yeah, I'm done tonight.
Okay. All right. It's been another long weekend.
It's going to be a long weekend all month. I
know, until you finally... I'm getting married
on the 28th, so yeah. So everybody, send loincloths
to Rob. That's what he wants. That's what he
wants for a wedding gift is loincloths. So send
it. It can be bedazzled. It can be Tarzan. It
can be just, I don't know, raggedy. You don't
care, just loincloths, right? Doesn't matter
at this point. My old one's getting pretty worn
out. His leopard skin one is like just falling
apart. So if anyone sees a leopard skin one,
get it for them. Looks like a worn out dish rag.
Yeah, yeah, yep. Anyhow, hi Albuquerque, hi Hicksville,
hi Grandma Opal, hi Jimmy, hi Ricky. Thank you
everybody for listening, especially all the new
downloaders. Please keep downloading us. Look,
I know it's not a paranormal episode, but we
do cover some of that, and we are going to get
into paranormal sooner or later. So hang with
us, man. We think you'll enjoy the show. Just
stay with us, okay? Thank you guys very much.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.