WEBVTT

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Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come

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on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon

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and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.

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If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since

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you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge

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out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your

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hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.

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I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download

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every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise

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to make... All friends, family members, and workmates

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download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise

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to grab idle computers, work computers, friends

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computers, community computers, and other assorted

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phones and listening devices and download the

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show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will

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download the show and constantly barrage everyone

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with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane

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Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and

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screen the show's name from my front yard. And

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finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,

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you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,

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Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you

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go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's

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a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two

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Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind

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our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume

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we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.

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Not like all those other guys. We can and will

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lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags

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and a microphone. We are Hazel. Continuing our

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quest here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone

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to be constantly funny, once again we offer you

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Strange Insults from an Alien. When you always

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get it from your computer, will your headphones

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still attach? Oh, Lord! That man just sawed a

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puppy in half! Hey there. Don't worry. I have

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a clown nose. Oh, no! That drunk guy just hit

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my child! It's okay. I have a clown nose. Clown

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Nose! Just put one on and you can do anything!

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Wanna run for office? Murder people in public?

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Just grab a Clown Nose and BAM! Everyone laughs!

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Clown Noses are sold at keg stores online and

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pedophile conventions. Grab one today and make

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magic happen. Hi all, this is Chicago. I am the

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most dangerous city in North America. You can't

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touch me. Oh, yeah? This is Kansas City here.

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Hold my beer, bitch. Hey, my fellow heavy breathers.

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This is Dash Riptide. Your music news. Megadeth

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has announced a final album and a 2026 global

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farewell tour. To conclude their career after

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40 years, the first wave of tour dates for a

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Latin American leg in April and May 2026 will

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more dates be announced. For the worldwide tour,

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while the full tour schedule has been released,

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tickets for the initial dates are available,

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and there is also an announced performance with

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Iron Maiden Concert in Harrison, New Jersey,

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in September 2026. This is Gash Riptine, and

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that was your music news. If it's too loud, you

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probably have ear damage, just like me. And now...

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Deep Thoughts with Mark. Math class is the only

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place where you can buy 60 cantaloupe and 50

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watermelon and nobody seems to give a shit. Oh

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man, what the fuck is this? Is this a new feature?

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What's inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me.

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I wonder how Whataburger got their name. Hmm,

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let's see. Did they first try Whata Chicken Nugget?

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I don't know. Yes, it's true. Mark is an old

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bastard. It's also true that Mark uses a lot

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of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell you,

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if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,

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It's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures

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and tear them up immediately. This is Joshua

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Belmont, your food for thought man on The Hustle.

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So I just realized a genius that gets absolutely

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no credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is

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credited with the first bag of salad mix that

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was bagged and sold. Yesterday was his birthday.

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I believe he is still alive. This guy's genius

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will never be fully appreciated. Before this

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man... We settled for iceberg lettuce with maybe

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a couple of croutons and some cheese. Was Mr.

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Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no. He realized

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that Billy Americana would never go out and buy

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a couple of radishes, a couple of carrots, a

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head of purple cabbage, maybe snow peas, and

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possibly some cute romaine lettuce for extra

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bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have a national

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holiday. Your mama's so fat, she makes Godzilla

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look like an etching figure. Two douchebags and

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microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City

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area at the Talk is Cheap studio. That was a

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word for now, but I'll take it. I know. I didn't

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even go into we're like 3 .1 miles anywhere,

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nothing like that. I'm like, you know what, just

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screw it. I'm just going to go on. I keep making

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this thing longer and longer, and we keep making

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yours longer and longer, and I'm like finally

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going, you know what. I went through it too quick.

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If I wouldn't have known he was chewing on a

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donut, I would have made up something like 3

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.1 miles away from, I don't know, the Johnson

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County Detention Center. You know, something

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stupid. But, anyhow. Oh, well. All right. Like,

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I've talked about the zombie crawl in Eureka

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Springs for a while now, right? It's been, what,

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about three episodes? I've been yerping about

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it, right? Something like that? Three or four?

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All right. I have one huge question. Let's say

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I actually get a balcony room right in front

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of the zombie crawl route. I want to know, what

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if there's a hot chick zombie and I throw her

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beads? Would that be disrespectful to the dead?

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I don't know. I don't know either. You know what?

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All right, New Guy, I'll ask New Guy, and we'll

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come up with something on the next episode, okay?

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I was not expecting this, so I didn't get anything

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from New Guy. So we'll have New Guy investigate

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this, and we'll have New Guy get back to us.

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Is that okay? Sounds good. All right. He's already

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giving me a dirty look. Yeah, okay. I don't know.

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Did you ever do anything to him, Rob? What's

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his problem? I never did anything to him. you

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gave him like 50 bucks didn't you or some shit

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i don't know yeah i gave him a bunch of pencil

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shavings over and over i don't know what he expects

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i mean pencil shavings and 50 bucks shit he should

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be in he should be in high heaven so all righty

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um the last uh full week I'm hoping people book

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the wrong day for the zombie crawl next year.

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I'm waiting for the official announcement soon

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on the actual day because what I was getting

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ready to go into is the last full week in October

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next year is October 24th and 25th. The last

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day of October is Halloween and that's on Saturday.

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So that last weekend wouldn't be a full week.

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So I don't know if it's the 24th. Or if it's

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actually on Halloween. If it's on the 24th next

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year, I'm boned, I think. Because I think it's

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going to be... I couldn't book the rooms at where

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I was at a year in advance. So I have no hope

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in probably booking something for the zombie

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crawl down there for next year. But, oh shit,

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hang on. I just had something pop up. It says

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I can book a room at the Benton House Inn on

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Spring Street. And let's see. Wow. Google listens

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to you so much. It says that's where the parade

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route. Actually, I enjoyed this time that Google

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listened to me. Ease dropped on me. It says the

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parade route starts a block away from that. So

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it would go right by the Benton House. And the

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Benton House has balconies. You know what? I'll

00:10:09.710 --> 00:10:11.610
look at that later. There might be some hope.

00:10:11.769 --> 00:10:13.889
I might be able to get zombie crawl footage.

00:10:14.360 --> 00:10:15.899
I might be able to get out there and interview

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zombies next year. We'll see. And who knows,

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you might come along too, right, Rob? Maybe.

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All right, we'll see. We'll see. We'll go out

00:10:25.279 --> 00:10:27.259
there and, like, I don't know, mess him with

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zombies or some shit. Oh, no, I would like to,

00:10:30.799 --> 00:10:34.460
since I bought the Ghost Tour guy a cappuccino

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and kind of made peace with him, I'd like to

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talk to him about, you know, about... how long

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he's been doing it and what he knows and some

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of the weirdest things he's seen. Cause whenever

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he's not doing the ghost tour, he hangs out at

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the Crescent. I don't know if he stays there

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or if that's like his, you know, home base or

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whatever. So I'd like to talk to him and a couple

00:10:53.620 --> 00:10:55.340
other people that have been there. And some of

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the elders that run the bed and breakfast, like

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I said last time. So we'll see. Um, anyhow, it

00:11:01.179 --> 00:11:03.980
says it's fully refundable. So if I do book the

00:11:03.980 --> 00:11:07.840
wrong weekend, and um they don't have a room

00:11:07.840 --> 00:11:12.659
i could just cancel this and go on so yeah you

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know and then you know what the benton house

00:11:14.740 --> 00:11:17.299
i know that okay there's a kick -ass vinyl record

00:11:17.299 --> 00:11:21.220
store right next door to that uh so you know

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i'm gonna go ahead and uh say i'm gonna i'm gonna

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bring an extra two hundred dollars because we

00:11:26.820 --> 00:11:29.039
know vinyl right you see something cool in vinyl

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it's irresistible isn't it yeah you can't you

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walk by and you go i'm not gonna wait a minute

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what is it no no fuck you end up going back and

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getting it whether you leave or you do it right

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then you end up getting it right is that agreed

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you end up getting vinyl yeah i mean vinyl just

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it does something to a man it's just like um

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it screws your thinking pattern up to where you

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have to have right I got to find mine. I've got

00:12:02.690 --> 00:12:05.190
like 20 of them that are unaccounted for of old

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vinyl. Some of them signed, like I have a Blackie

00:12:07.830 --> 00:12:11.029
Lawless signed a Crimson Idol from Wasp. I've

00:12:11.029 --> 00:12:13.529
got that somewhere. Don't know where it's at.

00:12:15.370 --> 00:12:17.549
I've got some tour books. Of course, I'm not

00:12:17.549 --> 00:12:19.629
going to hang them up, but I got some autographed

00:12:19.629 --> 00:12:22.710
tour books that I'd like to have too. Anyhow,

00:12:22.750 --> 00:12:24.889
I got to do some digging because I'm going to

00:12:24.889 --> 00:12:28.009
rearrange this whole thing and try to come up

00:12:28.009 --> 00:12:31.320
with. some video or something for this and maybe

00:12:31.320 --> 00:12:33.580
try her hand at video casting for a while and

00:12:33.580 --> 00:12:36.259
see how well that goes i think i could do a picture

00:12:36.259 --> 00:12:37.759
within a picture and here's what i'm talking

00:12:37.759 --> 00:12:40.120
about that rob okay since i call you on the phone

00:12:40.120 --> 00:12:42.899
right i could do a video call and i could turn

00:12:42.899 --> 00:12:45.700
you around towards the video so there'll be a

00:12:45.700 --> 00:12:49.059
smaller video of you and a video of me what do

00:12:49.059 --> 00:12:50.919
you think of that you think that will work for

00:12:50.919 --> 00:12:55.320
a while maybe maybe you know what we'll tell

00:12:55.919 --> 00:12:57.720
We'll talk about all that stuff later because,

00:12:57.820 --> 00:13:00.000
I mean, I'm sure that that's not, you know, people

00:13:00.000 --> 00:13:02.559
don't want to hear that. You know what I mean?

00:13:02.639 --> 00:13:04.919
I think that's very entertaining, so we'll go

00:13:04.919 --> 00:13:08.500
on. Okay, so Rob, you ever eat something spicy

00:13:08.500 --> 00:13:13.159
and immediately regret it? Yeah, all the time.

00:13:13.320 --> 00:13:16.220
Yeah, me too. Well, that thing could be a thing

00:13:16.220 --> 00:13:20.600
of the past, thanks to a team of researchers

00:13:20.600 --> 00:13:23.639
from China. The team claims to have created an

00:13:23.639 --> 00:13:26.620
artificial tongue that can quickly detect spice

00:13:26.620 --> 00:13:30.940
levels in your food. All right, I'm going on.

00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:33.179
I'm going on. This piqued my interest a little

00:13:33.179 --> 00:13:35.500
here. And not necessarily because I'm going to

00:13:35.500 --> 00:13:37.240
use it, but I want to, you know what I mean?

00:13:37.799 --> 00:13:41.440
I want to find out more about this. This is interesting.

00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:45.279
This taste testing device resembles a small transparent

00:13:45.279 --> 00:13:48.860
square of soft gel that consumers can place on

00:13:48.860 --> 00:13:52.480
their tongue. No word on the cost of this device

00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:57.840
or when it will be available or when or where.

00:13:58.019 --> 00:14:00.259
I mean, I would think it would be selling in

00:14:00.259 --> 00:14:03.919
America, but who knows. So, Rob, I think what

00:14:03.919 --> 00:14:05.259
I'm going to do is I'm going to stick with the

00:14:05.259 --> 00:14:07.179
old -fashioned way of doing this and trick someone

00:14:07.179 --> 00:14:10.120
else into trying it first. Isn't that the best

00:14:10.120 --> 00:14:14.379
way? Yeah. Yeah, you know the old Mikey likes

00:14:14.379 --> 00:14:17.000
it, if anyone's old enough. If not, Google it.

00:14:17.440 --> 00:14:20.139
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Life cereal, you know. Mikey,

00:14:20.299 --> 00:14:23.000
I'm not going to try it. Mikey, he'll try anything.

00:14:23.379 --> 00:14:26.340
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll find a Mikey and you

00:14:26.340 --> 00:14:28.960
go, hey, man, this stuff is great. Give it a

00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:32.220
try. Here, here, here. Here's a big spoon. Grab

00:14:32.220 --> 00:14:34.940
a whole bunch of it. And then they start vomiting

00:14:34.940 --> 00:14:37.179
and shaking and spitting everywhere, you know,

00:14:37.220 --> 00:14:40.539
not to eat it, right? Yeah. Yeah. All right.

00:14:40.919 --> 00:14:46.330
So there's a study out. Of what Americans fear

00:14:46.330 --> 00:14:50.309
the worst? California's Chapman University had

00:14:50.309 --> 00:14:52.570
a study and found out what the most common fears

00:14:52.570 --> 00:14:56.330
across the country are. The annual survey of

00:14:56.330 --> 00:14:58.509
American fears is an in -depth look at common

00:14:58.509 --> 00:15:03.230
fears and the anxiety that accompanies it. Researchers

00:15:03.230 --> 00:15:09.649
interviewed 1 ,015 adults. 1 ,000? Okay. Why

00:15:09.649 --> 00:15:13.889
in the world would you do 1 ,015 adults? Why

00:15:13.889 --> 00:15:19.549
don't you just do 1 ,000 or 1 ,500? Why isn't,

00:15:19.549 --> 00:15:23.070
yeah, 1 ,015. What a weird number. I don't know

00:15:23.070 --> 00:15:27.610
why they came up with that. So anyhow, so the

00:15:27.610 --> 00:15:30.429
most common fear of Americans polled was corrupt

00:15:30.429 --> 00:15:34.929
politicians at a whopping 69 .1%. I think that's

00:15:34.929 --> 00:15:39.580
very understandable. The next one is followed

00:15:39.580 --> 00:15:42.179
by people you love becoming seriously ill at

00:15:42.179 --> 00:15:46.779
58 .9%. That's my first fear. Politicians are

00:15:46.779 --> 00:15:49.919
way down the line because I already accept they're

00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:54.279
all corrupt, right? You know, to me, that's not

00:15:54.279 --> 00:15:57.240
even a question. We know that a majority of them,

00:15:57.259 --> 00:15:59.320
if you heard their name, they sold their asshole

00:15:59.320 --> 00:16:01.639
a long time ago and they're going to do what

00:16:01.639 --> 00:16:05.320
they can to stay in power. So that's not my worst

00:16:05.320 --> 00:16:08.059
fear. And then coming in at third is economic

00:16:08.059 --> 00:16:12.059
or financial collapse at 58 .2%. And you know

00:16:12.059 --> 00:16:15.480
what? I get that. You know, too many people live

00:16:15.480 --> 00:16:18.720
paycheck to paycheck. And I get that, you know,

00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:22.080
someone gets ill, something happens, you know,

00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:26.139
some uninsured motorist hits you and your insurance

00:16:26.139 --> 00:16:28.120
is, ah, screw off, we're not paying you. And

00:16:28.120 --> 00:16:29.700
then all of a sudden you need a car to get to

00:16:29.700 --> 00:16:31.879
work. All kinds of things happen like that, right?

00:16:32.159 --> 00:16:35.200
And so I get that. So financial collapse, I definitely

00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:38.179
get that one. Okay, so coming in at number four

00:16:38.179 --> 00:16:40.679
is uncertainty over President Trump's tariff

00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:46.360
policy. Number five is cyberterrorism at 54 .9%.

00:16:46.889 --> 00:16:48.990
And it didn't say what number four, what the

00:16:48.990 --> 00:16:51.789
percentage is. Oh, hang on here. Let's see. Let

00:16:51.789 --> 00:16:56.830
me look at the original article here. 55 .3.

00:16:57.210 --> 00:17:00.590
Okay. So number six is becoming involved in another

00:17:00.590 --> 00:17:07.150
war at 54 .3%. Russia using nukes is 53 .7%.

00:17:07.150 --> 00:17:11.640
Pollution in ocean water is 53 .6%. Pollution

00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:15.119
in food and water, 53 .5%. Government tracking

00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:18.980
and personal data comes in at 52 .7%. And why

00:17:18.980 --> 00:17:21.440
they're worried about it now, because they've

00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:25.099
been tracking us a long time now. I mean, I don't

00:17:25.099 --> 00:17:26.500
know why they're worried about it now. I mean,

00:17:26.539 --> 00:17:28.880
you know, they already know everything they know

00:17:28.880 --> 00:17:33.920
about you. All right, so I move on from that.

00:17:34.519 --> 00:17:38.240
A friend at work has to have testosterone replacement

00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:43.339
at a men's clinic, right? um he had been feeling

00:17:43.339 --> 00:17:46.839
run down and lethargic you know of course the

00:17:46.839 --> 00:17:49.660
lower sex drive and you know all that fun with

00:17:49.660 --> 00:17:54.299
old age shit right so uh yeah i mean it happens

00:17:54.299 --> 00:17:57.059
you know and we're there we can't dodge it you

00:17:57.059 --> 00:17:59.019
know some people delay it a little bit longer

00:17:59.019 --> 00:18:01.859
than others but it all happens so he was describing

00:18:01.859 --> 00:18:05.460
to me what he has to have done to receive his

00:18:05.460 --> 00:18:09.009
testosterone First off, the doctor will have

00:18:09.009 --> 00:18:11.430
to take a spring -loaded gun with an inch and

00:18:11.430 --> 00:18:14.130
a half needle and shoot his penis with a spring

00:18:14.130 --> 00:18:21.069
-loaded gun. Does that sound horrible? A spring

00:18:21.069 --> 00:18:24.430
-loaded gun with an inch and a half needle. He's

00:18:24.430 --> 00:18:28.269
got to inject that into the man's penis, my friend's

00:18:28.269 --> 00:18:34.089
penis. Can you believe that shit? Oh my God,

00:18:34.109 --> 00:18:35.509
when he's telling me, I'm sitting there squirming

00:18:35.509 --> 00:18:39.430
going, okay, enough, enough. So he has to receive

00:18:39.430 --> 00:18:44.890
several shots of this. And get this, if that

00:18:44.890 --> 00:18:47.910
wasn't enough great news, he will have a half

00:18:47.910 --> 00:18:54.650
erection for 36 hours afterwards. Oh my God.

00:18:55.829 --> 00:19:00.650
Yeah. He has baggy pants picked out to wear because

00:19:00.650 --> 00:19:02.349
he's going to have to work a couple of those

00:19:02.349 --> 00:19:06.250
days. You know, I could be a real dick and just

00:19:06.250 --> 00:19:09.869
stare at him so other people will look and see

00:19:09.869 --> 00:19:14.930
his half -hard wiener. People go, oh, hey. But

00:19:14.930 --> 00:19:16.930
you know what? It's not funny. I like the guy.

00:19:17.029 --> 00:19:19.470
He's a great friend of mine. But my gosh. Oh,

00:19:19.589 --> 00:19:22.730
you know, I think I would just suffer with low

00:19:22.730 --> 00:19:25.369
testosterone. Fuck that noise. What do you think,

00:19:25.410 --> 00:19:33.819
Rob? yeah yeah yeah that's i i'm sorry i mean

00:19:33.819 --> 00:19:37.019
i that's one of those things where you um weigh

00:19:37.019 --> 00:19:40.140
the scale and it's like yeah you know what it's

00:19:40.140 --> 00:19:43.400
close enough i'm just not going to do it so um

00:19:43.400 --> 00:19:46.039
unfortunately i think like the low testosterone

00:19:46.039 --> 00:19:52.019
also lends to you being sickly um and and um

00:19:52.019 --> 00:19:55.279
could lead to catastrophic illness i believe

00:19:55.279 --> 00:19:58.950
if what i read is correct so that's why you want

00:19:58.950 --> 00:20:00.730
to do it i mean yeah you know everyone still

00:20:00.730 --> 00:20:02.529
likes to do it and stuff like that and makes

00:20:02.529 --> 00:20:04.609
you feel young and it's great and all that but

00:20:04.609 --> 00:20:07.869
still you know you know injecting your penis

00:20:07.869 --> 00:20:10.089
with a spring -loaded gun and then walking around

00:20:10.089 --> 00:20:12.869
with a half erection for 36 hours no you know

00:20:12.869 --> 00:20:16.930
but if it lads if it lends to catastrophic illness

00:20:16.930 --> 00:20:19.730
and not being well then i can understand why

00:20:19.730 --> 00:20:24.990
you would have to have it done so um so anyhow

00:20:24.990 --> 00:20:28.089
um The acid reflux that sent me to the hospital

00:20:28.089 --> 00:20:30.470
a few months ago is actually being controlled

00:20:30.470 --> 00:20:34.589
better with bitters. Do you know what bitters

00:20:34.589 --> 00:20:39.490
is, Rob? I do not have a clue. It's alcohol.

00:20:40.029 --> 00:20:42.930
It comes in little bottles and it's for a mixer.

00:20:43.329 --> 00:20:46.769
They are the most horrible tasting shit you've

00:20:46.769 --> 00:20:49.549
ever tasted in your life. It tastes like that

00:20:49.549 --> 00:20:56.140
colonoscopy stuff times five. Yeah, that colonoscopy

00:20:56.140 --> 00:20:58.680
gunk, that black gunk that they make you drink,

00:20:58.839 --> 00:21:01.519
it tastes worse than that. I'm not kidding you.

00:21:01.700 --> 00:21:06.420
And it's called Underberg, the bitters that I

00:21:06.420 --> 00:21:08.920
get from Amazon, and they work so well. I take

00:21:08.920 --> 00:21:11.440
them, and it's instant relief from acid reflux.

00:21:11.539 --> 00:21:14.440
The stuff is just, it's a miracle drug. It works

00:21:14.440 --> 00:21:17.079
better than anything else. It works better than

00:21:17.079 --> 00:21:20.289
the... Phenadonidine, I think is what it is.

00:21:20.329 --> 00:21:22.710
Pepsid AC prescription strength or something

00:21:22.710 --> 00:21:26.230
like that. And it works better than the Omeprazole.

00:21:26.430 --> 00:21:29.529
It works better than all of this stuff. Gas X,

00:21:29.650 --> 00:21:33.190
all of that. But it is the most horrible tasting

00:21:33.190 --> 00:21:37.569
stuff. You know, I use it after I eat or drink

00:21:37.569 --> 00:21:39.670
something that triggers my acid reflux because,

00:21:39.809 --> 00:21:42.890
you know, I like pasta. Red sauce fucks me up.

00:21:43.390 --> 00:21:46.029
Red sauce will make me stay up all night with...

00:21:46.660 --> 00:21:49.000
indigestion and thinking i'm having a heart attack

00:21:49.000 --> 00:21:52.380
when i'm not and all that because um indigestion

00:21:52.380 --> 00:21:56.099
will kind of like make your heart palpitate right

00:21:56.099 --> 00:22:00.660
have you ever had it like that rob yeah yeah

00:22:00.660 --> 00:22:03.500
yeah and it sucks and you're always questioning

00:22:03.500 --> 00:22:07.319
it like hmm okay i think this is reflux but man

00:22:08.050 --> 00:22:11.150
Should I maybe call somebody? And that's what

00:22:11.150 --> 00:22:13.109
led to me going in the ambulance that one day

00:22:13.109 --> 00:22:14.910
and all that and all these fantastic medical

00:22:14.910 --> 00:22:19.049
bills that I have. But it was great to get peace

00:22:19.049 --> 00:22:20.930
of mind and it was worth every penny, let me

00:22:20.930 --> 00:22:23.049
tell you that. And I'm glad we have such a fantastic

00:22:23.049 --> 00:22:31.849
medical system in America. you know it's uh so

00:22:31.849 --> 00:22:34.849
i use these bitters after drinking acid reflux

00:22:34.849 --> 00:22:37.769
and the problem is is this i slam my black coffee

00:22:37.769 --> 00:22:40.549
before i get in my jeep right so black coffee

00:22:40.549 --> 00:22:43.849
really screws it not just me but everybody that

00:22:43.849 --> 00:22:47.289
has acid reflux black coffee has a lot of acidity

00:22:47.289 --> 00:22:51.369
in it that triggers acid reflux really bad um

00:22:51.369 --> 00:22:54.920
i I'm supposed to quit drinking coffee, but I

00:22:54.920 --> 00:22:57.559
have to drink some to wake up. And I usually

00:22:57.559 --> 00:23:00.019
drink cold coffee, but I ran out of cold coffee

00:23:00.019 --> 00:23:02.500
that morning. So I had to slam black coffee.

00:23:02.660 --> 00:23:05.140
So bam, all of a sudden, I get this horrible

00:23:05.140 --> 00:23:08.240
reflux. So I begin to feel burning driving to

00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:10.559
work. I grab the bottle of bitters and I take

00:23:10.559 --> 00:23:14.819
a swig. So I told you about how horrible bitters

00:23:14.819 --> 00:23:17.599
taste, right? So the bitters is so rancid, it

00:23:17.599 --> 00:23:20.660
almost makes you puke when you take a swig. It's

00:23:20.660 --> 00:23:23.359
like battery acid sounds more tasty than bitters,

00:23:23.359 --> 00:23:26.259
actually. So, always bring along a Gatorade or

00:23:26.259 --> 00:23:28.339
something like that, not for just being thirsty,

00:23:28.420 --> 00:23:30.839
but in situations like having to slam bitters,

00:23:30.859 --> 00:23:33.220
right? Well, like I said, I'm heading to work

00:23:33.220 --> 00:23:35.940
and bam, I have a big, I take a big swig, you

00:23:35.940 --> 00:23:38.339
know, almost vomit. I reach for my Coke and realize

00:23:38.339 --> 00:23:42.619
I forgot to pick it up on the way out, Rob. I'm

00:23:42.619 --> 00:23:45.589
sitting there. I slammed this horrible tasting

00:23:45.589 --> 00:23:48.349
shit. I'm almost puking, and I'm driving in cars

00:23:48.349 --> 00:23:50.990
in front and behind me on a single -legged road.

00:23:51.730 --> 00:23:53.930
And I can't get that horrible taste out of my

00:23:53.930 --> 00:23:56.930
mouth, and I keep kind of dry vomiting a little

00:23:56.930 --> 00:24:00.289
bit. Finally, I got to a side road, and I stopped,

00:24:00.529 --> 00:24:05.430
and I stopped the car, and I just started spitting

00:24:05.430 --> 00:24:07.549
and spitting and spitting until I got some of

00:24:07.549 --> 00:24:10.869
that taste out of my mouth. But my gosh, it's

00:24:10.869 --> 00:24:15.549
horrible. And also on a completely unrelated.

00:24:15.750 --> 00:24:17.269
Now, I'm going I know I'm brushing through a

00:24:17.269 --> 00:24:23.029
bunch of stuff here, but I mean, so I have a

00:24:23.029 --> 00:24:26.450
podcast suggestion. Frank Bull, Kansas City radio

00:24:26.450 --> 00:24:29.829
legend and TV legend has a podcast called There's

00:24:29.829 --> 00:24:32.650
Something Special About Kansas City. The newest

00:24:32.650 --> 00:24:35.410
episode is an interview with Johnny Dare, and

00:24:35.410 --> 00:24:40.069
it is really good. Really, really good. He gives

00:24:40.069 --> 00:24:42.230
you more insight over everything that happened

00:24:42.230 --> 00:24:47.670
to lead to his career than his final show did

00:24:47.670 --> 00:24:54.680
on The Rock. Frank Boll, he's a genius. at interviews

00:24:54.680 --> 00:24:57.380
and he's also a really good sports guy he was

00:24:57.380 --> 00:25:00.180
a sportscaster for years then he went into radio

00:25:00.180 --> 00:25:04.119
and now i think he does radio like a like i don't

00:25:04.119 --> 00:25:06.380
know once a week or something on a on a show

00:25:06.380 --> 00:25:08.839
i think he might be on syringe show or something

00:25:08.839 --> 00:25:13.180
um but um he has a podcast called there's something

00:25:13.180 --> 00:25:16.480
special about kansas city and if you are a fan

00:25:16.480 --> 00:25:19.619
of radio and johnny dare or kansas city radio

00:25:19.619 --> 00:25:23.319
listen to it Johnny, he's very candid. He talks

00:25:23.319 --> 00:25:25.480
about his whole career in radio from his beginnings

00:25:25.480 --> 00:25:28.559
as a co -host on Z Rock for an hour a day to

00:25:28.559 --> 00:25:31.079
join in the rock. Dinner skinny on all the people

00:25:31.079 --> 00:25:33.440
he worked with during that time. This thing is

00:25:33.440 --> 00:25:38.359
a complete gem. And he doesn't really throw shade

00:25:38.359 --> 00:25:41.000
on anybody. That's not his style. He doesn't

00:25:41.000 --> 00:25:43.579
do that. But he did describe some situations

00:25:43.579 --> 00:25:47.069
that I was wondering about very well. without

00:25:47.069 --> 00:25:49.869
really saying something bad about the person

00:25:49.869 --> 00:25:54.190
he kind of described it very well and i i appreciated

00:25:54.190 --> 00:25:57.990
that because to me it was completely honest and

00:25:57.990 --> 00:26:01.390
so um anyhow like i said i do expect to see him

00:26:01.390 --> 00:26:04.609
back in radio i'm not not exactly sure the timeline

00:26:04.609 --> 00:26:07.430
i'm sure he's getting paid right now i think

00:26:07.430 --> 00:26:09.869
they even alluded to that on the podcast but

00:26:09.869 --> 00:26:12.289
you know usually what they do is they pay you

00:26:12.289 --> 00:26:14.170
off for the rest of the year send you bye -bye

00:26:14.170 --> 00:26:16.690
and then they they're hoping people forget about

00:26:16.690 --> 00:26:19.190
you while you're gone and then they have they

00:26:19.190 --> 00:26:21.210
establish this other show and they're thinking

00:26:21.210 --> 00:26:23.250
okay people get used to listening to this show

00:26:23.250 --> 00:26:26.990
and they won't go back to johnny so and i don't

00:26:26.990 --> 00:26:29.410
even know if he'll be in the same time slot but

00:26:29.410 --> 00:26:31.289
you and i both predict he'll be at the rock and

00:26:31.289 --> 00:26:35.240
i'm saying mid next year he'll be at the rock

00:26:35.240 --> 00:26:38.759
and so and i and i'm not even sure if it's going

00:26:38.759 --> 00:26:41.200
to be mornings i mean i think they're jordan

00:26:41.200 --> 00:26:43.900
and sparks is doing pretty well I think it's

00:26:43.900 --> 00:26:46.259
Jordan and Sparks, something like that. I know

00:26:46.259 --> 00:26:48.319
Sparks is one of them, and I think Jordan is

00:26:48.319 --> 00:26:51.140
the other one, but whoever they are, they're

00:26:51.140 --> 00:26:54.460
doing well, I do believe. So I think Johnny could

00:26:54.460 --> 00:26:56.839
fit into one of the other shows. Chuck Nasty

00:26:56.839 --> 00:26:59.880
and Doug Metlock are both in their 70s, I believe,

00:27:00.059 --> 00:27:01.940
and I'm sure they don't want to go on forever.

00:27:02.420 --> 00:27:04.420
Johnny's a little bit younger than that, so he

00:27:04.420 --> 00:27:07.079
could go in and do very nicely for quite a few

00:27:07.079 --> 00:27:09.940
years for 101 the Fox. He's already a legend

00:27:09.940 --> 00:27:12.420
around Kansas City. He knows what he's doing.

00:27:12.779 --> 00:27:14.940
the ropes he knows radio so you know he'd be

00:27:14.940 --> 00:27:17.759
an excellent addition to anybody but as far as

00:27:17.759 --> 00:27:20.420
the whole morning crew i doubt if the rock just

00:27:20.420 --> 00:27:22.480
doesn't do that they hire the talent that they

00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:24.859
want but they don't hire everybody like i said

00:27:24.859 --> 00:27:29.220
before so uh anyhow i have more but oh you know

00:27:29.220 --> 00:27:31.740
what i want to go into one more thing okay a

00:27:31.740 --> 00:27:35.640
lot of people kind of compare us to different

00:27:35.640 --> 00:27:38.559
types of shows and stuff like that i guess would

00:27:38.559 --> 00:27:42.509
be the best way to describe it okay The reason

00:27:42.509 --> 00:27:45.369
we have this show like it is, the reason we have

00:27:45.369 --> 00:27:47.690
this podcast like it is, with the bits and the

00:27:47.690 --> 00:27:50.789
parody bits and the little this and that and

00:27:50.789 --> 00:27:53.009
the little funnies and the ha -has is, it's only

00:27:53.009 --> 00:27:55.829
me and Rob. To do this kind of a show, we have

00:27:55.829 --> 00:27:58.269
to have parody bits. We have to have stuff like

00:27:58.269 --> 00:28:02.130
that to keep it going. Yet we have to keep it

00:28:02.130 --> 00:28:04.690
fresh and there's only two of us. We did not

00:28:04.690 --> 00:28:07.609
want to be a point counterpoint. We did not want

00:28:07.609 --> 00:28:11.789
to be a political. We did not want to be a paranormal,

00:28:11.869 --> 00:28:14.390
but we might do a paranormal show because of

00:28:14.390 --> 00:28:17.910
the numbers. We might have to because of the

00:28:17.910 --> 00:28:25.230
numbers. Okay. Okay, that would work in the paranormal

00:28:25.230 --> 00:28:36.009
one. Oh, okay. That's cool. We will have to talk

00:28:36.009 --> 00:28:39.769
about that off of the podcast. Because I'm very

00:28:39.769 --> 00:28:42.130
interested in stuff like that, too. Of course,

00:28:42.190 --> 00:28:44.390
it won't be on the douchebags because you and

00:28:44.390 --> 00:28:48.710
I, we actually, we cut ourself and we did Blood

00:28:48.710 --> 00:28:50.589
Brothers that we would never change the format,

00:28:50.690 --> 00:28:54.269
right? Right. Yeah. Yeah. But we did it our way.

00:28:54.309 --> 00:28:56.950
We did it with penises. We cut each other's penis

00:28:56.950 --> 00:28:59.630
and rubbed them together. And the blood. Yeah.

00:28:59.710 --> 00:29:02.470
So we're penis Blood Brothers, so we can't change

00:29:02.470 --> 00:29:05.410
the format of this. Yeah, we can't. Yeah. Well,

00:29:05.410 --> 00:29:09.380
we should do it, though. show yes we can sorry

00:29:09.380 --> 00:29:11.920
sorry i got erect rob i i don't know what happened

00:29:11.920 --> 00:29:16.079
i you know i don't know yeah i yeah i yeah it's

00:29:16.079 --> 00:29:19.519
weird i it was very awkward but i didn't i yeah

00:29:19.519 --> 00:29:24.000
yeah but um i didn't look you in the eye so you

00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:31.259
know so it's okay that's you know what that is

00:29:31.259 --> 00:29:46.910
it all right rob we turn to you Uh -oh. Yes,

00:29:46.930 --> 00:29:49.769
and this is something I eyewitness, and it's

00:29:49.769 --> 00:29:55.869
funny as shit. Me and Princess went from Wheatland,

00:29:55.869 --> 00:29:59.769
and we had to go over to Nemo to pick up a pizza

00:29:59.769 --> 00:30:03.809
for Mom and Dad for dinner. Godfathers. Godfathers,

00:30:03.970 --> 00:30:07.049
yeah. Eagle Stop. That's at Eagle Stop over there.

00:30:07.230 --> 00:30:52.640
Okay. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I had to come across

00:30:52.640 --> 00:30:55.799
with that news break. Everybody wanted to know

00:30:55.799 --> 00:30:57.819
what it's going to be like in Cleveland. Well,

00:30:57.900 --> 00:30:59.700
that's her, but it's five miles away. Yeah, five

00:30:59.700 --> 00:31:04.339
miles away. I'm sure it's a county, a great county

00:31:04.339 --> 00:31:09.799
sheriff's department car on fire. Rob, when you're

00:31:09.799 --> 00:31:12.680
done with what you're going to say, a little

00:31:12.680 --> 00:31:16.019
bit later on when we get ready to go into our

00:31:16.019 --> 00:31:19.700
break, I've got a dumpster fire story for us.

00:31:19.779 --> 00:31:22.319
So anyhow, go ahead, keep going. Okay, well,

00:31:22.420 --> 00:31:24.900
I've got something else here. Okay, cool. That's

00:31:24.900 --> 00:31:27.680
just something I had to throw in. I love that.

00:31:27.819 --> 00:31:32.839
I love that. Everybody's wondering what it's

00:31:32.839 --> 00:31:34.900
going to be like living over there. Come on.

00:31:35.079 --> 00:31:54.549
Oh, I can't wait to be talking in here. I'm just

00:31:54.549 --> 00:31:56.769
assuming that people listened to the last episode

00:31:56.769 --> 00:31:58.529
and the one before and the one before. But yeah,

00:31:58.569 --> 00:32:00.430
thank you, Rob. You're right. Someone may just

00:32:00.430 --> 00:32:12.329
be joining us and going, what? And it shakes

00:32:12.329 --> 00:34:12.050
the house, doesn't it? That is pretty cool. So

00:34:12.050 --> 00:34:13.849
you're still going to be able to get to see the

00:34:13.849 --> 00:34:21.130
last episodes. Yeah. So they've already wrapped

00:34:21.130 --> 00:34:28.730
up, don't they? The show, 14 years. Okay. I can't

00:34:28.730 --> 00:34:32.590
believe that show lasted 14 years. Can you? 14

00:34:32.590 --> 00:34:37.750
years and 46 seasons. That just astounds me because

00:34:37.750 --> 00:34:40.030
I never thought the show was that good myself.

00:34:41.289 --> 00:34:44.230
Did you like it? Yeah, yeah. It was like another

00:34:44.230 --> 00:34:48.250
one of those funniest home videos, you know?

00:34:48.610 --> 00:34:52.690
Okay, all right. Just for people on skateboards

00:34:52.690 --> 00:34:56.190
and stuff. Okay, all right. Well, I guess that's

00:34:56.190 --> 00:34:58.469
probably the appeal of it then. A lot more face

00:34:58.469 --> 00:35:01.010
plants. Just put it that way. Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:35:01.050 --> 00:35:04.230
I love face plants. Yeah, that makes the show

00:35:04.230 --> 00:35:08.489
right there. So, all right. Very cool. What was

00:35:08.489 --> 00:35:13.110
I going to... Oh, okay. quite a few years ago

00:35:13.110 --> 00:35:18.210
over 20 years ago I was doing overnights for

00:35:18.210 --> 00:35:22.769
a while I had to until some jobs opened up in

00:35:22.769 --> 00:35:27.329
the union and I was running a flatbed laser cutting

00:35:27.329 --> 00:35:31.570
stainless steel right with it so and I was doing

00:35:31.570 --> 00:35:33.869
this overnights so me and the guy that I was

00:35:33.869 --> 00:35:36.309
working with we had to have two people there

00:35:36.309 --> 00:35:39.489
at nights because of OSHA rules and Otherwise,

00:35:39.590 --> 00:35:42.170
it's just going to be me. And I was ready for

00:35:42.170 --> 00:35:44.329
that. I was like, oh, hell yeah. I'll get everything

00:35:44.329 --> 00:35:46.610
done in the first three hours and then fucking.

00:35:47.230 --> 00:35:49.349
Well, I used to go to the casino right across

00:35:49.349 --> 00:35:52.309
the river. This is in North Kansas City. And

00:35:52.309 --> 00:35:54.610
I get everything done and I would have the guy

00:35:54.610 --> 00:35:57.010
I was working with keep watch. And if anyone

00:35:57.010 --> 00:35:59.489
came around, he would text me real quick and

00:35:59.489 --> 00:36:01.389
say, hey, you got to come back from lunch. Wink,

00:36:01.389 --> 00:36:05.889
wink. Right. So I go over to the casino and play

00:36:05.889 --> 00:36:09.219
some slots. and uh and you know for a few hours

00:36:09.219 --> 00:36:11.320
then come back and all this so it turned out

00:36:11.320 --> 00:36:13.380
to be cool we could you know screw off and everything

00:36:13.380 --> 00:36:15.440
i didn't really care this is just a job to keep

00:36:15.440 --> 00:36:19.079
me busy for a little while right so um we used

00:36:19.079 --> 00:36:22.619
to smoke cigars and cigarettes in the shop and

00:36:22.619 --> 00:36:25.760
um and so they were kind of catching on because

00:36:25.760 --> 00:36:28.480
uh the guy i worked with accidentally left a

00:36:28.480 --> 00:36:30.800
couple of cigarette butts inside the building

00:36:30.800 --> 00:36:33.039
and one of the big bosses found him he's like

00:36:33.039 --> 00:36:35.260
hey who did this and well it had been nights

00:36:35.260 --> 00:36:37.079
because they didn't do it during the day because

00:36:37.079 --> 00:36:40.699
someone would have saw him so we've been warned

00:36:40.699 --> 00:36:43.619
a couple of times right but that didn't matter

00:36:43.619 --> 00:36:47.760
so i um i just got done dumping the laser dust

00:36:47.760 --> 00:36:50.500
do you know anything about laser dust especially

00:36:50.500 --> 00:36:54.739
like stainless steel okay the laser dust is extremely

00:36:54.739 --> 00:36:58.050
flammable I mean, it will almost, if you have

00:36:58.050 --> 00:37:00.869
it in a container, it will blow up big time.

00:37:01.130 --> 00:37:04.590
But if it's open, yeah, it will flash if it's

00:37:04.590 --> 00:37:09.889
open. I mean, really just flash. So I pour that

00:37:09.889 --> 00:37:14.150
stuff in the dumpster because actually we shouldn't

00:37:14.150 --> 00:37:17.329
have been doing that. It was actually, you know,

00:37:17.349 --> 00:37:20.909
a toxic chemical of sort. It was a hazardous

00:37:20.909 --> 00:37:23.389
chemical. And it's supposed to be stored different

00:37:23.389 --> 00:37:25.349
in, like, barrels and stuff like that. But the

00:37:25.349 --> 00:37:26.849
company didn't give a shit. You know, they're

00:37:26.849 --> 00:37:29.210
just like, I just throw it in the dumpster. So

00:37:29.210 --> 00:37:31.769
the guy I was working with, I don't want to say

00:37:31.769 --> 00:37:33.630
his name so no one will catch on or nothing.

00:37:33.730 --> 00:37:36.269
So the guy I was working with and me, I was smoking

00:37:36.269 --> 00:37:38.409
my cigar. He's smoking his cigarette. And we

00:37:38.409 --> 00:37:41.869
see a car pulling. We're like, oh, shit. So I

00:37:41.869 --> 00:37:44.900
took and I flicked my cigar. um the guy is working

00:37:44.900 --> 00:37:47.059
with he flicked his on the ground i flicked mine

00:37:47.059 --> 00:37:49.780
in the dumpster where i just threw the metal

00:37:49.780 --> 00:37:55.400
dust that thing went up i'm like oh shit so there's

00:37:55.400 --> 00:37:57.360
a huge fire right next to the building and it's

00:37:57.360 --> 00:37:59.300
going up i don't know about 20 foot i'm not kidding

00:37:59.300 --> 00:38:03.880
you I'm like, oh, shit, man. Damn. So anyhow,

00:38:05.159 --> 00:38:07.340
we had to have the fire department come down

00:38:07.340 --> 00:38:09.039
and put it out and everything. And I was like,

00:38:09.039 --> 00:38:11.519
oh, man, I'm fired. Yeah. Oh, I didn't really

00:38:11.519 --> 00:38:13.420
care for the job that much. I'm like, oh, shit,

00:38:13.460 --> 00:38:16.960
I'm fired. So the next morning, you know, they're

00:38:16.960 --> 00:38:18.760
like, well, what happened last night? The dumpster

00:38:18.760 --> 00:38:21.380
is black. I caught on fire. How to do that? And

00:38:21.380 --> 00:38:24.420
I go, you know what? There is some guy out there

00:38:24.420 --> 00:38:27.550
hanging out. And this is before cameras were

00:38:27.550 --> 00:38:29.730
a big thing, right? I just made this shit up

00:38:29.730 --> 00:38:32.010
on the fly. And I go, I wonder if he was, like,

00:38:32.050 --> 00:38:33.849
smoking or something. Like, maybe flicked it

00:38:33.849 --> 00:38:35.110
in there. You know, we shouldn't be throwing

00:38:35.110 --> 00:38:37.949
that dust in the dumpster anyhow. That's really

00:38:37.949 --> 00:38:39.769
dangerous. And they're all, like, kind of looking

00:38:39.769 --> 00:38:41.429
at each other like, oh, shit, it was our fault

00:38:41.429 --> 00:38:44.050
for having to do that. And so I got away with

00:38:44.050 --> 00:38:46.969
it. Like, yeah, I threw it in the dumpster like

00:38:46.969 --> 00:38:48.570
you told me to. And there's some guy out there

00:38:48.570 --> 00:38:50.730
hanging out. And, you know, I tried to run him

00:38:50.730 --> 00:38:54.590
off. And they're like, okay. you know so they

00:38:54.590 --> 00:38:56.530
they bought it and they didn't act funny about

00:38:56.530 --> 00:38:58.389
it or nothing they completely believed it so

00:38:58.389 --> 00:39:02.269
that worked and then um another time is the guy

00:39:02.269 --> 00:39:05.389
is working with um this was a long narrow building

00:39:05.389 --> 00:39:09.230
okay and um and it had doors on each side and

00:39:09.230 --> 00:39:11.869
during the summertime when it's like i mean that

00:39:11.869 --> 00:39:14.469
you know it's like a hundred during the day and

00:39:14.469 --> 00:39:17.090
it didn't really cool off any at night and we're

00:39:17.090 --> 00:39:20.210
running the laser in a metal shop it's hotter

00:39:20.210 --> 00:39:22.530
than hell in there okay so we have to have both

00:39:22.530 --> 00:39:24.889
doors open so we'll get a breeze and the one

00:39:24.889 --> 00:39:27.550
way down there the door way down there i mean

00:39:27.550 --> 00:39:30.610
is a long ways down there i mean is over the

00:39:30.610 --> 00:39:32.730
size of a football field probably one and a half

00:39:32.730 --> 00:39:35.369
football fields that's how long the the building

00:39:35.369 --> 00:39:39.550
was that we worked in was the lunchroom so um

00:39:39.550 --> 00:39:42.250
the guy that i was working with he got mad at

00:39:42.250 --> 00:39:44.579
me and i'm like what he goes man he goes why

00:39:44.579 --> 00:39:47.519
do you keep eating my lunch? I go, I'm not. He

00:39:47.519 --> 00:39:49.460
goes, you have to be. You're the only person

00:39:49.460 --> 00:39:51.380
in here. Man, you, you have to be eating it.

00:39:51.539 --> 00:39:53.679
I go, motherfucker. I said, I'm not eating it.

00:39:53.940 --> 00:39:56.619
So the next day my lunch was gone. I'm like,

00:39:56.639 --> 00:40:00.659
dude, I go, I go, dude, you know, I didn't steal

00:40:00.659 --> 00:40:02.840
your lunch. I have not been stealing your lunch

00:40:02.840 --> 00:40:04.639
and I don't appreciate you stealing my lunch

00:40:04.639 --> 00:40:07.139
to get me back for something I didn't do. And

00:40:07.139 --> 00:40:09.900
he goes, what? I go, yeah. I go, my fucking lunch

00:40:09.900 --> 00:40:12.260
is gone. I knew you took it. He goes, wait a

00:40:12.260 --> 00:40:13.500
minute, wait a minute. He goes, no, I didn't.

00:40:14.090 --> 00:40:17.570
i go okay then something's going on all right

00:40:17.570 --> 00:40:19.630
so we decided you know the door is open down

00:40:19.630 --> 00:40:22.670
there so we wait we wait and we're looking nothing

00:40:22.670 --> 00:40:25.230
nothing nothing nothing so a couple nights later

00:40:25.230 --> 00:40:27.090
our lunches weren't disappearing or nothing a

00:40:27.090 --> 00:40:29.010
couple nights later i see a flash down there

00:40:29.010 --> 00:40:32.889
like a shadow i go hey um i almost said the guy's

00:40:32.889 --> 00:40:37.280
name i go hey um I think I saw something down

00:40:37.280 --> 00:40:39.019
there. I was thinking animal for some reason,

00:40:39.039 --> 00:40:40.940
but an animal couldn't open up the cooler, right?

00:40:41.099 --> 00:40:43.199
We go in there and there's a homeless guy stealing

00:40:43.199 --> 00:40:49.460
our lunches. Yeah. And my buddy's about ready

00:40:49.460 --> 00:40:51.280
to kill me. He's thinking I was stealing his

00:40:51.280 --> 00:40:53.280
lunch. And I'm like thinking he's getting me

00:40:53.280 --> 00:40:55.099
back for something I didn't do. And I was madder

00:40:55.099 --> 00:40:57.900
than hell. Anyhow, it wasn't either one of us.

00:40:57.920 --> 00:40:59.659
It was a homeless guy that knew that we're on

00:40:59.659 --> 00:41:02.380
the other side. And our lunches were way over

00:41:02.380 --> 00:41:06.610
there, a football field and a half away. So he's

00:41:06.610 --> 00:41:08.210
going in there grabbing them, fucking running

00:41:08.210 --> 00:41:11.929
off with them and eating them. So it sucked.

00:41:12.010 --> 00:41:14.110
We had to just sweat our ass off and lock that

00:41:14.110 --> 00:41:16.369
door so he couldn't get in. The only door was

00:41:16.369 --> 00:41:19.110
up near us on the other side, and we'd see him

00:41:19.110 --> 00:41:23.750
coming in there. Anyhow, let's see. What was

00:41:23.750 --> 00:41:25.469
I going to get? You know what? I don't know where

00:41:25.469 --> 00:41:27.769
I was at, but here we go. Let's take our first

00:41:27.769 --> 00:41:29.269
break. We're going to come back with some emails.

00:41:29.829 --> 00:41:32.369
Good? Sounds good. That's what's going to happen.

00:41:39.239 --> 00:41:42.159
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.

00:41:42.320 --> 00:41:46.699
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.

00:41:46.880 --> 00:41:50.500
The closest you'll come to a brainstorm is a

00:41:50.500 --> 00:41:55.420
light drizzle. You watched the news. It looks

00:41:55.420 --> 00:41:59.440
grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable? We suggest

00:41:59.440 --> 00:42:02.599
you download all our podcasts beforehand and

00:42:02.599 --> 00:42:06.380
have multiple mobile chargers. We have the most

00:42:06.380 --> 00:42:12.659
apocalypse. One of the most overlooked post -apocalypse

00:42:12.659 --> 00:42:16.039
need is first aid. Have several kits and metal

00:42:16.039 --> 00:42:19.420
canisters, one in your bunker and the rest buried

00:42:19.420 --> 00:42:23.260
near natural markers such as odd trees or natural

00:42:23.260 --> 00:42:27.400
clearings, gauze, salve, ointment, antibiotics,

00:42:28.079 --> 00:42:32.199
sutures, thread, needles, sharp knives, and scissors

00:42:32.199 --> 00:42:38.199
should be in all of the kits. Now it's time for

00:42:38.199 --> 00:42:45.519
pickup lines from a loser. Hey girl, do you work

00:42:45.519 --> 00:42:48.679
at Subway? Cause you just gave me a foot long.

00:42:49.960 --> 00:42:58.320
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm. How do

00:42:58.320 --> 00:43:02.159
you tell when you're out of invisible ink? Huh.

00:43:02.599 --> 00:43:10.050
I may never know. Tomorrow morning, while grinding

00:43:10.050 --> 00:43:12.269
your coffee beans for your double mocha latte,

00:43:12.630 --> 00:43:15.230
remember to not get your genitals caught in the

00:43:15.230 --> 00:43:18.389
grinder. It really hurts. And who can afford

00:43:18.389 --> 00:43:23.710
plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone. Sir, I

00:43:23.710 --> 00:43:26.329
see your qualifications here. May I ask some

00:43:26.329 --> 00:43:28.090
further questions that could help me determine

00:43:28.090 --> 00:43:31.469
your employment eligibility? Yes, sir. I'm ready.

00:43:32.110 --> 00:43:34.510
Well, as you can see here, we have a large population

00:43:34.510 --> 00:43:37.190
of different ethnic backgrounds, sexuality, and

00:43:37.190 --> 00:43:41.969
ages. Are you by chance bilingual? Well, sir,

00:43:42.070 --> 00:43:44.510
I'm not sure why you need that kind of information,

00:43:44.510 --> 00:43:47.570
but, well, it was only one time in summer camp.

00:43:47.989 --> 00:43:55.190
I considered it experimental. Have you ever wondered

00:43:55.190 --> 00:43:57.429
what something came about? Have you ever looked

00:43:57.429 --> 00:43:59.289
at something and said, hey, I wonder what the

00:43:59.289 --> 00:44:02.969
origin of that is? Well, so have we. That's why

00:44:02.969 --> 00:44:07.710
we give you The Origin of. This is The Origin

00:44:07.710 --> 00:44:11.670
of Rob Rad's Loin Cloth. Rob used to strip in

00:44:11.670 --> 00:44:14.269
a nightclub called McCock's on the city's east

00:44:14.269 --> 00:44:17.010
side. Rob was the only completely nude dancer

00:44:17.010 --> 00:44:19.409
at the club. The other dancers were jealous of

00:44:19.409 --> 00:44:21.650
Rob making all the cash and made him use a loincloth

00:44:21.650 --> 00:44:24.389
to dance with. Rob soon had to wear his loincloth

00:44:24.389 --> 00:44:26.670
daily. He found out that he could get out of

00:44:26.670 --> 00:44:29.289
traffic tickets, sell vinyl siding, and pick

00:44:29.289 --> 00:44:31.780
up hotties at the come and go. Rob now wears

00:44:31.780 --> 00:44:34.340
his loincloth everywhere except work. Sparks

00:44:34.340 --> 00:44:37.739
plus pubic hair equals to bad things. I got a

00:44:37.739 --> 00:44:40.420
neat little story here about a little prank that

00:44:40.420 --> 00:44:42.559
me and Davey, my friend that I refer to often,

00:44:42.679 --> 00:44:46.039
played. You know the old Bannister Mall, remember

00:44:46.039 --> 00:44:49.460
that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy, that was an area

00:44:49.460 --> 00:44:52.000
for a lot of fucking fun. We used to get away

00:44:52.000 --> 00:44:54.340
with murder at that place. We had done the stupidest

00:44:54.340 --> 00:44:57.099
shit. Well, there was a security guard, a little

00:44:57.099 --> 00:45:00.400
short little fucker, kind of a little dumpy little

00:45:00.400 --> 00:45:03.539
guy named Sam. And he hated us longhairs. We

00:45:03.539 --> 00:45:05.059
were in there getting all the chicks, and he

00:45:05.059 --> 00:45:08.260
didn't fucking like it. Sam used to always try

00:45:08.260 --> 00:45:10.920
to get me kicked out. And Davey, too, but more

00:45:10.920 --> 00:45:14.269
me. He really hated me for some reason. So he'd

00:45:14.269 --> 00:45:16.929
always screw with me. He got me kicked out for

00:45:16.929 --> 00:45:20.329
about two weeks. Then we went to court, and then

00:45:20.329 --> 00:45:22.170
the judge said, you can't kick him out. It's

00:45:22.170 --> 00:45:27.010
a public mall. Yeah. So anyhow, you know, one

00:45:27.010 --> 00:45:30.670
of the biggest ways to sell a hoax is to, we

00:45:30.670 --> 00:45:33.090
found this out, was to have a setup guy that

00:45:33.090 --> 00:45:36.630
no one knew. Just a guy to confirm what you're

00:45:36.630 --> 00:45:39.389
saying. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did see that

00:45:39.389 --> 00:45:42.269
monkey. Over there, yeah. Last I saw him, he

00:45:42.269 --> 00:45:44.130
was on top of that building, and he was throwing

00:45:44.130 --> 00:45:46.030
shit at somebody. The random witness you see

00:45:46.030 --> 00:45:48.769
disappears. The random witness, yes. Yeah. So,

00:45:48.929 --> 00:45:54.730
this guy, okay, this is Bannister Mall, early

00:45:54.730 --> 00:45:57.969
1980s. Me and my good buddy Davey were hanging

00:45:57.969 --> 00:46:01.670
out, and we were crazy long hairs that, you know,

00:46:01.670 --> 00:46:03.730
the average teen would follow, you know, because

00:46:03.730 --> 00:46:06.480
we're long hairs. We're kind of like the Pied

00:46:06.480 --> 00:46:09.559
Piper of teens. People used to look at us and

00:46:09.559 --> 00:46:11.860
go, well, there's the party. Let's just follow

00:46:11.860 --> 00:46:14.739
them around until they go to it. I've done that.

00:46:14.940 --> 00:46:17.639
Yeah, they used to do it all the time. We'd be

00:46:17.639 --> 00:46:19.900
like, where are you guys going? Cleveland? Ohio?

00:46:20.119 --> 00:46:22.340
No, Missouri. That guy looks like he might have

00:46:22.340 --> 00:46:25.719
beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they'd just start

00:46:25.719 --> 00:46:27.619
following us, and that's just the way it were.

00:46:27.780 --> 00:46:31.079
And then we'd all introduce, hey, I'm so -and

00:46:31.079 --> 00:46:33.559
-so, I'm so -and -so. We'd have a good time,

00:46:33.619 --> 00:46:36.739
Cleveland Lake or something, slamming beers,

00:46:36.860 --> 00:46:40.300
doing stupid shit. So Davey and I had certain

00:46:40.300 --> 00:46:42.659
buddies that would walk up and hear the bullshit

00:46:42.659 --> 00:46:45.059
that we're spewing and then help seal the deal.

00:46:45.260 --> 00:46:49.059
They'd sell it completely. One guy that walked

00:46:49.059 --> 00:46:53.170
around to help us was a punker named Jason. Jason

00:46:53.170 --> 00:46:55.389
was really cool because he looked like the type

00:46:55.389 --> 00:46:58.909
of guy that wouldn't like us. But we got to talking

00:46:58.909 --> 00:47:02.829
to him and we saw eye to eye on everything except

00:47:02.829 --> 00:47:05.650
music. Everything else we were the same, you

00:47:05.650 --> 00:47:08.750
know. Fuck society, fuck the average guy, fuck

00:47:08.750 --> 00:47:11.369
this, fuck that, you know. But when it came to

00:47:11.369 --> 00:47:13.010
music, you know, we're like fucking listening

00:47:13.010 --> 00:47:14.849
to Motley Crue, which you're like, yeah, and

00:47:14.849 --> 00:47:19.550
he was listening to... I don't know, the Ramones,

00:47:19.590 --> 00:47:22.949
or even deeper than that, you know, Dick Kennedy,

00:47:23.170 --> 00:47:29.210
the Germs. Television. Yeah. Yeah, he was a real

00:47:29.210 --> 00:47:34.789
punker. Yeah. He had an orange mohawk. Sweet.

00:47:35.150 --> 00:47:41.670
Or black spike leather. And Doc Martens. So,

00:47:41.809 --> 00:47:43.969
I mean, you know, you got the guy, right? You

00:47:43.969 --> 00:47:47.989
know who I'm talking about. Great guy, though.

00:47:48.050 --> 00:47:50.269
I'd love to know what happened to him. So, Jason,

00:47:50.349 --> 00:47:52.250
if you happen to hear this abortion, please,

00:47:52.429 --> 00:47:55.369
oh, I guess that's a bad word now, isn't it?

00:47:55.570 --> 00:47:59.489
Oh. This atrocity. There we go. If you happen

00:47:59.489 --> 00:48:01.750
to hear this horrible atrocity, then, you know,

00:48:01.750 --> 00:48:05.809
hey, send us an email. Yeah. I forgot what the

00:48:05.809 --> 00:48:09.929
valid email is. We put so many bullshit ones

00:48:09.929 --> 00:48:12.309
out there, we can't remember our real one. I

00:48:12.309 --> 00:48:14.809
know. There is a valid one, and I can't remember

00:48:14.809 --> 00:48:19.280
what the hell it is. We also have an actual real

00:48:19.280 --> 00:48:21.860
phone number. Hell if I know that one either.

00:48:23.039 --> 00:48:25.199
Yeah, so I can't even remember the real one.

00:48:25.360 --> 00:48:31.400
There you go. Show prep. Yeah. Here I was talking

00:48:31.400 --> 00:48:33.380
about show prep and making a big deal out of

00:48:33.380 --> 00:48:37.420
it, and I can't even remember our email. So,

00:48:37.420 --> 00:48:39.980
anyhow, meanwhile, there's this one security

00:48:39.980 --> 00:48:42.320
guard named Sam that I kind of alluded to or

00:48:42.320 --> 00:48:45.059
actually went into a little bit. Sam was a jealous

00:48:45.059 --> 00:48:48.929
little pussy bitch. He constantly tried to get

00:48:48.929 --> 00:48:50.570
me kicked out and barred from the mall. And like

00:48:50.570 --> 00:48:52.889
I said earlier, he did for a while, for a couple

00:48:52.889 --> 00:48:55.409
of weeks. And we went to court. I got back in,

00:48:55.469 --> 00:48:58.809
which really fumed his ass, burned his ass. Because

00:48:58.809 --> 00:49:00.969
every time I seen him, I was like overzealous

00:49:00.969 --> 00:49:04.269
about him. Hi, Sam, how are you? Can you come

00:49:04.269 --> 00:49:06.250
over for dinner tonight, little guy? A little

00:49:06.250 --> 00:49:09.670
tiny bit of authority, and it's gone. You look

00:49:09.670 --> 00:49:14.130
cute today. I beeped his nose one time, and he

00:49:14.130 --> 00:49:18.420
came out and went unglued. So, you know, me and

00:49:18.420 --> 00:49:20.880
Davey used to play mean tricks on Sam constantly.

00:49:21.760 --> 00:49:24.460
Sounds like he deserved it. Oh, he did, you know.

00:49:24.860 --> 00:49:28.159
So we quickly went to Jason to be the casual

00:49:28.159 --> 00:49:31.199
guy walking by to sell it. So Jason's over in

00:49:31.199 --> 00:49:33.139
the corner where the Mutant Theater's upstairs

00:49:33.139 --> 00:49:35.780
used to be because then they went downstairs

00:49:35.780 --> 00:49:37.840
for a while and then they disappeared. Oh, yeah.

00:49:37.860 --> 00:49:40.159
Yeah, they used to be upstairs, mid -upstairs.

00:49:40.840 --> 00:49:43.480
So I think right across from Food Court maybe.

00:49:44.000 --> 00:49:46.139
If I remember correctly. Well, now in my mind

00:49:46.139 --> 00:49:48.539
I'm getting confused with Ward Parkway because

00:49:48.539 --> 00:49:50.739
their movie theater shifted around a bit too.

00:49:51.519 --> 00:49:53.960
Okay, well, anyhow, this is when they were upstairs

00:49:53.960 --> 00:49:56.960
because I remember that part well because people

00:49:56.960 --> 00:49:59.500
were coming in to go to movies and we're screwing

00:49:59.500 --> 00:50:02.360
with them. Yeah. So Davey and I set this one

00:50:02.360 --> 00:50:06.139
up perfectly. We had a buddy that he won a backstage

00:50:06.139 --> 00:50:12.670
pass to Great White. I'll remember that. It's

00:50:12.670 --> 00:50:15.510
a video shoot, okay? As an extra. Oh, that'd

00:50:15.510 --> 00:50:19.090
be cool. Yeah. And he was in it. I don't know

00:50:19.090 --> 00:50:20.989
if it was once bit or something else, but he

00:50:20.989 --> 00:50:24.789
was in it. And on the back was stamped used.

00:50:25.369 --> 00:50:29.929
But on the front, it had an MTV logo. It didn't

00:50:29.929 --> 00:50:32.610
have a specific band. It didn't say Great White.

00:50:32.750 --> 00:50:36.519
It just said, Extra for MTV Video Shoot. And

00:50:36.519 --> 00:50:38.599
I remember it really well. It was green with

00:50:38.599 --> 00:50:41.739
an orange MTV on it with her famous logo. Yeah.

00:50:41.920 --> 00:50:43.940
It was really cool looking and it was like made

00:50:43.940 --> 00:50:50.380
with some sort of a really thick paper and it

00:50:50.380 --> 00:50:53.579
was engraved, I guess. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was

00:50:53.579 --> 00:50:55.840
raised. It felt great. It felt like the seal

00:50:55.840 --> 00:50:57.739
of something. Embossed paper. Embossed, yeah.

00:50:57.760 --> 00:51:00.300
Raised printing. Raised printing, whatever. Makes

00:51:00.300 --> 00:51:03.239
it a lot harder to counterfeit. Plus it makes

00:51:03.239 --> 00:51:05.480
it look cool. So our friend agreed to let us

00:51:05.480 --> 00:51:07.059
borrow this for a little while. We got it back

00:51:07.059 --> 00:51:09.980
to him like we said. We didn't tear it up or

00:51:09.980 --> 00:51:12.619
steal it or nothing. Davey started waving the

00:51:12.619 --> 00:51:14.559
card in the air and making fun of me because

00:51:14.559 --> 00:51:18.619
he got this and I didn't. He was like, hey, I'm

00:51:18.619 --> 00:51:25.280
going to be on this whatever. So, they'd wait

00:51:25.280 --> 00:51:26.960
around going, I'm going to be on the video and

00:51:26.960 --> 00:51:28.599
you're not because you're too stupid and you

00:51:28.599 --> 00:51:31.800
couldn't win and all this stuff, right? So, this

00:51:31.800 --> 00:51:35.719
magical card was supposed to be a freebie to

00:51:35.719 --> 00:51:38.380
be an extra on the set of MTV. This is what we

00:51:38.380 --> 00:51:40.960
set it up to be, right? A list of hundreds of

00:51:40.960 --> 00:51:45.280
bands, the secret MTV guy walking around, he

00:51:45.280 --> 00:51:47.019
was walking around the mall and this was going

00:51:47.019 --> 00:51:50.300
to be Sam eventually. So, the secret MTV guy

00:51:50.300 --> 00:51:52.949
that has these free magical passes. was Sam,

00:51:53.050 --> 00:51:56.889
only he didn't know it. So Davey's like, and

00:51:56.889 --> 00:52:00.429
I'm like, fucking asshole. Yeah, all this stuff.

00:52:00.809 --> 00:52:03.650
So automatically, see people getting ready to

00:52:03.650 --> 00:52:05.670
walk in, right? Getting ready to go to a movie,

00:52:05.690 --> 00:52:09.869
they're like, yeah, just like magnetic, they're

00:52:09.869 --> 00:52:12.789
just staring at us. And Davey's like, and all

00:52:12.789 --> 00:52:14.730
this stuff. I'm like, man, that sucks, man. You

00:52:14.730 --> 00:52:17.550
get to go and I don't. So Davey is waving this

00:52:17.550 --> 00:52:19.829
around, making fun of me, and Jason will walk

00:52:19.829 --> 00:52:23.000
by. They go, yeah, I fucking won one too, but

00:52:23.000 --> 00:52:24.639
I threw it at them because there's no punk bands

00:52:24.639 --> 00:52:28.239
on it. Fuck that. I don't want to go. So all

00:52:28.239 --> 00:52:30.079
of a sudden, those kids are fucking coming over

00:52:30.079 --> 00:52:35.840
there. What was this? That's so clever. Oh, yeah.

00:52:36.699 --> 00:52:41.619
We set it up perfect. So the reason that we picked

00:52:41.619 --> 00:52:45.219
Sam to do this on that day was because we had

00:52:45.219 --> 00:52:47.400
the card for a couple of days. He was wearing

00:52:47.400 --> 00:52:49.860
plain clothes. And I guess he thought he was

00:52:49.860 --> 00:52:51.960
going to catch shoplifters or something not wearing

00:52:51.960 --> 00:52:53.960
his little fucking bitch outfit that he normally

00:52:53.960 --> 00:52:59.739
wore. So Jason, instead of us, goes, yeah, that

00:52:59.739 --> 00:53:01.559
fucking little douche right there is the one.

00:53:01.659 --> 00:53:03.920
That's the secret MTV guy. We didn't even say

00:53:03.920 --> 00:53:06.539
it. He did it. It sold it even more. Because

00:53:06.539 --> 00:53:09.260
all these teens are like, you know, fucking their

00:53:09.260 --> 00:53:11.440
heads spun around and they're staring at him.

00:53:12.840 --> 00:53:16.619
So Jason said, yeah, he goes, yeah, I bit him

00:53:16.619 --> 00:53:22.679
on the ear to get one. So the story was this.

00:53:22.860 --> 00:53:25.280
It's getting better and better. The more outrageous

00:53:25.280 --> 00:53:28.199
you were, the more likely you were to get a free

00:53:28.199 --> 00:53:33.900
pass on MTV. Yeah. So automatically, he had like

00:53:33.900 --> 00:53:37.320
50 teens jumping in front of him, fucking biting

00:53:37.320 --> 00:53:40.280
his ear, kicking him in the ass. One guy was

00:53:40.280 --> 00:53:42.960
clucking like a chicken in his face. Another

00:53:42.960 --> 00:53:46.239
guy's like, look, I'm a bird. Some guy fucking

00:53:46.239 --> 00:53:49.699
jumped off of one side. Another guy ripped off

00:53:49.699 --> 00:53:53.880
one of the trees and hit him with a switch. And

00:53:53.880 --> 00:53:57.059
Sam was just fucking freaking out, man. He's

00:53:57.059 --> 00:53:58.619
like, what the fuck? And we're like, we want

00:53:58.619 --> 00:54:00.900
a pass. We want a pass. He's like, what pass?

00:54:01.460 --> 00:54:04.500
This probably went on for fucking 25 minutes.

00:54:04.840 --> 00:54:08.119
He was losing his mind. Yes, he was. He didn't

00:54:08.119 --> 00:54:09.260
know what was going on. What planet did I wake

00:54:09.260 --> 00:54:11.719
up on? You get 10 teens away from him, right?

00:54:12.300 --> 00:54:16.380
And then you have 10 more teens attacking. So,

00:54:16.380 --> 00:54:19.699
look, we leave. We let this go on and let it

00:54:19.699 --> 00:54:21.940
go downhill. And those teams told another one,

00:54:21.980 --> 00:54:23.539
get the pass from that fucker. He didn't give

00:54:23.539 --> 00:54:26.420
us anything. So this just kept rolling on and

00:54:26.420 --> 00:54:30.730
rolling on and rolling on. We come back a couple

00:54:30.730 --> 00:54:33.190
hours later. Oh, no, I know what we did. We went

00:54:33.190 --> 00:54:35.929
to Andy's Santa Fe and had a burrito. I remember

00:54:35.929 --> 00:54:38.110
the Andy's. We weren't even old enough to drink,

00:54:38.110 --> 00:54:40.190
but we still did because they never carded there.

00:54:40.530 --> 00:54:43.070
We both had margaritas. We were fucking laughing

00:54:43.070 --> 00:54:45.769
at our feet on the table and shit. Davey had

00:54:45.769 --> 00:54:47.750
fucking flip -flops on, so they eventually got

00:54:47.750 --> 00:54:50.130
mad and kicked us out because you could see his

00:54:50.130 --> 00:54:52.289
toenails hanging out. People didn't like that.

00:54:52.630 --> 00:54:57.070
So, anyhow, we get back in. And all of a sudden

00:54:57.070 --> 00:54:59.230
we see Sam coming by, all disheveled. By this

00:54:59.230 --> 00:55:01.570
time, everything was gone. It was all said and

00:55:01.570 --> 00:55:04.989
done. I go, hey, Sam. I go, do you want to know

00:55:04.989 --> 00:55:08.909
where all that came from? Us. Davey pulled out

00:55:08.909 --> 00:55:10.829
the card and said, see this? I go, yeah, you

00:55:10.829 --> 00:55:13.190
just been had, bitch. Oh, he was fucking furious.

00:55:13.289 --> 00:55:15.590
He turned right back. You motherfucker. I'm going

00:55:15.590 --> 00:55:17.170
to get you out of here. I'm going to get you

00:55:17.170 --> 00:55:20.269
guys kicked out for good. I go, what for? I didn't

00:55:20.269 --> 00:55:23.630
do anything against them all. We didn't get kicked

00:55:23.630 --> 00:55:29.219
out. That was one of the best fucking breaks

00:55:29.219 --> 00:55:31.199
we ever played. It was brilliant. And I just

00:55:31.199 --> 00:55:32.800
thought about it the other day. I'm like, my

00:55:32.800 --> 00:55:37.380
God. There are some other ones I've got to remember

00:55:37.380 --> 00:55:42.659
that we did to him, too. And then I got another

00:55:42.659 --> 00:55:46.679
one. You listen to the solo cast, right? I'm

00:55:46.679 --> 00:55:47.920
going to tell the story about the nut buyer.

00:55:48.500 --> 00:55:53.179
Oh, yes. Oh, gosh. Two ass bags and a box of

00:55:53.179 --> 00:55:57.400
Cheez -Its will be right back. And now we look

00:55:57.400 --> 00:55:59.940
in on the adventures of the technical explanation

00:55:59.940 --> 00:56:03.860
guy. Oh my, would you look at the Riley scattering?

00:56:04.820 --> 00:56:09.159
It sure is brilliant tonight. First off, you're

00:56:09.159 --> 00:56:12.739
on private property. Second, you're in my flower

00:56:12.739 --> 00:56:15.980
garden. Third, if you're talking about the sunset,

00:56:16.199 --> 00:56:19.780
yes, it is stunning. And finally... Would you

00:56:19.780 --> 00:56:22.480
get the hell off my property, you annoying fucking

00:56:22.480 --> 00:56:28.920
bastard? Strange, but true. There are deep -sea

00:56:28.920 --> 00:56:31.059
fish with transparent heads and visible brains.

00:56:31.260 --> 00:56:33.380
The barrel -eye fish looks like something from

00:56:33.380 --> 00:56:36.280
an alien autopsy. Its head is literally see -through,

00:56:36.340 --> 00:56:38.659
and you can watch its eyes swivel inside like

00:56:38.659 --> 00:56:52.099
little green orbs of doom. We are Two Douchebags

00:56:52.099 --> 00:56:54.880
and Microphone, Lord Falstaff's favorite podcast.

00:56:55.340 --> 00:56:58.840
Yes, we had a podcast around way back then. Yeah,

00:56:58.900 --> 00:57:02.320
the name that Falstaff Fair was named after.

00:57:02.519 --> 00:57:04.960
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the

00:57:04.960 --> 00:57:19.989
Talk is Cheap studio. I like that for now. A

00:57:19.989 --> 00:57:23.210
little bit better than the first one. All right.

00:57:23.550 --> 00:57:26.929
And by the way, I was lying about Lord Falstaff.

00:57:28.030 --> 00:57:32.429
Can you believe that? No. Okay. All right. Hey,

00:57:32.489 --> 00:57:36.630
guys. Just show my support for a paranormal show

00:57:36.630 --> 00:57:40.230
or series. I'd love to hear that. Thanks, guys.

00:57:41.510 --> 00:57:45.809
Eklaine in New Jersey. E -K -L -A -I -N -E. Eklaine?

00:57:46.619 --> 00:57:51.360
that's a unique name um yeah so um we do plan

00:57:51.360 --> 00:57:54.239
on we we went over that at the very first of

00:57:54.239 --> 00:57:56.980
the podcast yeah we we are probably going to

00:57:56.980 --> 00:57:58.900
do this and we're probably going to have a guest

00:57:58.900 --> 00:58:02.960
on it too it sounds like right possibly okay

00:58:02.960 --> 00:58:05.320
yeah it's in the works we're going to do that

00:58:05.320 --> 00:58:08.619
i mean the the numbers we hit just by tagging

00:58:08.619 --> 00:58:11.800
the crescent i i couldn't i can't believe it

00:58:12.329 --> 00:58:14.630
And whoever's listening to us jotting up and

00:58:14.630 --> 00:58:19.070
down the Brazil coast, thank you. My gosh. Did

00:58:19.070 --> 00:58:22.230
you see that? The whole thing, it's all lit up.

00:58:22.230 --> 00:58:24.349
And I'm like, someone must have been driving.

00:58:25.349 --> 00:58:28.150
Yeah, they had been driving down the coast listening

00:58:28.150 --> 00:58:32.349
to us. Thank you, whoever you are. I'm like going,

00:58:32.449 --> 00:58:40.590
wow, that's fucking cool. Yeah. Pretty much nothing

00:58:40.590 --> 00:58:42.909
else in Brazil except on the coast all the way

00:58:42.909 --> 00:58:44.670
down. It had to have been a highway. It's all

00:58:44.670 --> 00:58:48.809
in a line. Anyhow, thank you, whoever you are.

00:58:48.909 --> 00:58:51.090
And I hope you hear this and go, hey, hey, that's

00:58:51.090 --> 00:58:55.489
me or whatever. All right. Why was the Mystery

00:58:55.489 --> 00:58:58.489
Sports Guy show taken down? Also, it wasn't ever

00:58:58.489 --> 00:59:02.829
put back up. Lonnie and Peoria. Lonnie, it is

00:59:02.829 --> 00:59:06.010
back up. And I do have an intro because I got

00:59:06.010 --> 00:59:07.849
a couple of people bitching about that. I have

00:59:07.849 --> 00:59:12.690
an interesting intro to that. Okay, what I did

00:59:12.690 --> 00:59:16.329
was I put it together one morning and I was in

00:59:16.329 --> 00:59:18.869
a hurry and I forgot to put all of the parts

00:59:18.869 --> 00:59:21.829
together. So I was all happy on the new intro

00:59:21.829 --> 00:59:23.869
and all that being on there and I'm listening

00:59:23.869 --> 00:59:25.309
to it on the way to work and all of a sudden

00:59:25.309 --> 00:59:27.829
it cuts off after five minutes. I forgot to piece

00:59:27.829 --> 00:59:29.690
it all together because I had to do it in segments

00:59:29.690 --> 00:59:31.590
because I didn't have enough time to do it all

00:59:31.590 --> 00:59:34.840
at once. So I forgot to piece it together. Then

00:59:34.840 --> 00:59:36.659
when I realized that, when I got to work, I took

00:59:36.659 --> 00:59:40.000
it down promptly. So you had to download that

00:59:40.000 --> 00:59:43.000
in like, I don't know, 20 minutes. So thank you

00:59:43.000 --> 00:59:45.579
for downloading it. But it's up right now. It's

00:59:45.579 --> 00:59:49.719
ready to go. So Lonnie and Peoria, thank you.

00:59:51.780 --> 00:59:55.280
All right, next one. Mark, would you wear a Colts

00:59:55.280 --> 00:59:57.820
uniform if someone gave you a free one? Tone

00:59:57.820 --> 01:00:01.800
and Indy. No, I'd burn it. I would fucking burn

01:00:01.800 --> 01:00:04.679
it. And not only that, but I wouldn't even resell

01:00:04.679 --> 01:00:07.380
it. I would fucking burn it. So, yeah, send it

01:00:07.380 --> 01:00:09.840
in. I'll burn it. I am so glad that was your

01:00:09.840 --> 01:00:13.480
question. Why? What would you have said? Pretty

01:00:13.480 --> 01:00:17.960
much the same thing. Okay. I think they sent

01:00:17.960 --> 01:00:20.039
it to me because I'm clearly the bigger football

01:00:20.039 --> 01:00:26.420
fan. Yeah. Anyhow. So, anyhow, Tone and Indy,

01:00:26.460 --> 01:00:29.619
Rob feels the same way. So send him one, too,

01:00:29.699 --> 01:00:33.179
so we can both burn them. and i wipe my ass with

01:00:33.179 --> 01:00:42.639
it first oh by the way yes and um i just i would

01:00:42.639 --> 01:00:44.659
just have fun burning it that's all i mean you

01:00:44.659 --> 01:00:46.980
know i'd probably stick it on a broomstick and

01:00:46.980 --> 01:00:49.559
have it like a burning flag or something yeah

01:00:49.559 --> 01:00:55.500
well anyhow um all right um where was i rob what's

01:00:55.500 --> 01:00:59.199
your raspberry tart recipe theresa in green bay

01:00:59.980 --> 01:01:02.559
Wow, we have football places here. Indian Green

01:01:02.559 --> 01:01:09.179
Bay. That's cool. Shit. I don't have a raspberry

01:01:09.179 --> 01:01:12.679
tart recipe. I don't like raspberry. Okay, I

01:01:12.679 --> 01:01:14.440
have a raspberry tart recipe. I don't like tart.

01:01:16.000 --> 01:01:17.860
I've got one. Do you want me to just go ahead

01:01:17.860 --> 01:01:20.840
and fill in? Yeah, yeah, give them yours. Okay.

01:01:28.610 --> 01:01:31.329
Okay, the first thing I do is I take 100 pounds

01:01:31.329 --> 01:01:36.670
of flour and 50 pounds of water and 30 pounds

01:01:36.670 --> 01:01:40.889
of dry yeast. I mix them all together. I flatten

01:01:40.889 --> 01:01:45.769
it out into a huge circle. And I put 30 pounds

01:01:45.769 --> 01:01:48.730
of raspberry. Was it a raspberry tart? Yeah,

01:01:48.750 --> 01:01:51.989
it was a raspberry tart. Yeah, I put 30 pounds

01:01:51.989 --> 01:01:56.010
of raspberry filler, pie filling in it. And then

01:01:56.010 --> 01:01:59.630
I wrap it up to make it look like a tart. And

01:01:59.630 --> 01:02:03.710
then I bake it for 10 hours. Okay. There you

01:02:03.710 --> 01:02:08.389
go, Teresa in Green Bay. I wouldn't have known

01:02:08.389 --> 01:02:15.150
any of that. I made that shit up. Okay. All right.

01:02:15.309 --> 01:02:20.889
Oh, okay, Rob. This is for you. Rob, I need help

01:02:20.889 --> 01:02:23.530
with my deer stand. Could you please wear docent

01:02:23.530 --> 01:02:26.050
and put your bare ass in the air so we can attract

01:02:26.050 --> 01:02:29.869
huge bucks? Thanks, dude. Mitch the Buck Hunter.

01:02:33.409 --> 01:02:36.230
He's getting after you now. He is screwing with

01:02:36.230 --> 01:02:43.610
you. He's not letting it go. He's not letting

01:02:43.610 --> 01:03:22.989
it go, is he? If he can, he'll have his bare

01:03:22.989 --> 01:03:25.949
ass in the air waiting for a buck. But the only

01:03:25.949 --> 01:03:27.289
thing is you've got to make sure and get the

01:03:27.289 --> 01:03:29.250
buck before the buck starts, like, humping him,

01:03:29.269 --> 01:03:33.190
right? Well, yeah, trust me. I grew up up there.

01:03:33.230 --> 01:03:36.030
Them deer know my ass. They probably miss it.

01:03:38.250 --> 01:03:43.329
So there you go. All right, Mitch, there you

01:03:43.329 --> 01:03:51.500
go. So the buck hunter. Okay, next one. Okay,

01:03:51.940 --> 01:03:54.599
Mark, you're slowing down on the comedy segments.

01:03:54.739 --> 01:03:58.519
Not bitching. Just would love more when you have

01:03:58.519 --> 01:04:05.699
time. Zoe in Maine. I just did one of the origin

01:04:05.699 --> 01:04:10.960
of, and it's the origin of Rob's loincloth. We're

01:04:10.960 --> 01:04:15.539
going to be doing some more of Uncle Rob's tips

01:04:15.539 --> 01:04:23.500
for life. Yeah, I mean, I've been really busy

01:04:23.500 --> 01:04:26.400
and I just haven't had enough time. So there'll

01:04:26.400 --> 01:04:29.219
be more. I have over a thousand segments. I think

01:04:29.219 --> 01:04:31.300
what I need to do is I need to just start going

01:04:31.300 --> 01:04:32.960
through them alphabetically and just throwing

01:04:32.960 --> 01:04:35.059
them in there, you know, because there's so many

01:04:35.059 --> 01:04:37.559
that I don't use. I have my favorites and I don't

01:04:37.559 --> 01:04:39.239
even realize it because I'll listen to three

01:04:39.239 --> 01:04:41.780
podcasts in a row. I'll be like, man, I use that

01:04:41.780 --> 01:04:44.920
bit every time, you see, and I should go to something

01:04:44.920 --> 01:04:48.119
else. someone hadn't heard in a long time it's

01:04:48.119 --> 01:04:50.199
kind of weird to explain but you kind of get

01:04:50.199 --> 01:04:53.480
your favorites that you like and you just throw

01:04:53.480 --> 01:04:55.039
them in there because you think everybody likes

01:04:55.039 --> 01:05:02.519
them but i i don't know so um oh yeah yeah i

01:05:02.519 --> 01:05:05.920
can do clown nose on this one so i i agree clown

01:05:05.920 --> 01:05:10.679
nose is a classic isn't it And it's so true.

01:05:10.719 --> 01:05:12.679
You can murder someone in public and, you know,

01:05:12.679 --> 01:05:15.000
put on a clown nose. Everyone's like, it's okay.

01:05:15.079 --> 01:05:20.500
He's got a clown nose on. So, all right. Okay.

01:05:20.940 --> 01:05:25.280
Next one. Hey, douches. I keep reading that a

01:05:25.280 --> 01:05:27.780
growing number of people tried to abate arrest

01:05:27.780 --> 01:05:31.280
by claiming to be a sovereign citizen. Could

01:05:31.280 --> 01:05:33.780
you guys explain that to me and what exactly

01:05:33.780 --> 01:05:38.639
that means entail? Millie in Santa Clara. Well,

01:05:38.699 --> 01:05:42.460
Rob, you want to have New Guy do that? Yeah,

01:05:42.480 --> 01:05:44.960
let's have it. All right, hey, New Guy. What

01:05:44.960 --> 01:05:47.900
happens when someone says they're a sovereign

01:05:47.900 --> 01:05:59.139
citizen to a policeman? Hello. This is the New

01:05:59.139 --> 01:06:02.280
Guy, and I think these two bozos want me to explain

01:06:02.280 --> 01:06:06.739
sovereign citizen and why people... say that

01:06:06.739 --> 01:06:09.480
and you know when they're getting arrested or

01:06:09.480 --> 01:06:13.900
whatever so here here's what i got i don't know

01:06:13.900 --> 01:06:16.920
why these fucks can't google it but a sovereign

01:06:16.920 --> 01:06:19.199
citizen is individually believes they are not

01:06:19.199 --> 01:06:21.860
subject to government laws regulations or taxes

01:06:21.860 --> 01:06:24.750
they can be exempt from them through certain

01:06:24.750 --> 01:06:27.750
pseudo -legal arguments and tactics. They view

01:06:27.750 --> 01:06:29.809
the government institutions like courts, police,

01:06:29.869 --> 01:06:32.929
and tax agencies as illegitimate and argue they

01:06:32.929 --> 01:06:35.230
are sovereign individuals who are not bound by

01:06:35.230 --> 01:06:38.130
the country's laws. Their claims have been constantly

01:06:38.130 --> 01:06:40.809
rejected by legal systems. Sovereign citizens

01:06:40.809 --> 01:06:43.210
believe they can become sovereign by declaring

01:06:43.210 --> 01:06:45.150
themselves separate from the government and its

01:06:45.150 --> 01:06:48.190
authority. They often refuse to pay taxes, restore

01:06:48.190 --> 01:06:50.469
their vehicles, and get a driver's license, and

01:06:50.469 --> 01:06:53.050
may try to use specific phrases. or loopholes

01:06:53.050 --> 01:06:56.429
in legal documents to evade laws. The movement

01:06:56.429 --> 01:06:58.630
can appeal to people facing financial hardship

01:06:58.630 --> 01:07:02.230
who are resistant to perceived government overreach.

01:07:02.789 --> 01:07:11.769
There you guys go. Fuck these guys. Okay, wow.

01:07:12.210 --> 01:07:14.670
New guy is still... I don't know what the hell,

01:07:14.690 --> 01:07:22.449
man. What could we have done to him? You think

01:07:22.449 --> 01:07:25.670
maybe like if this was like a Wednesday night

01:07:25.670 --> 01:07:29.849
game, but no, we keep bothering. Oh, yeah, yeah,

01:07:29.869 --> 01:07:32.030
yeah, yeah. He said something about, you know,

01:07:32.030 --> 01:07:34.309
why don't you guys fucking Google it or something

01:07:34.309 --> 01:07:37.550
like that. He was really pissed. Well, I mean,

01:07:37.630 --> 01:07:40.389
okay, I understand that, but he's so surly. I

01:07:40.389 --> 01:07:42.710
don't know why he's so surly. I mean, like I

01:07:42.710 --> 01:07:46.869
said, you know, 50 bucks and like numerous pounds

01:07:46.869 --> 01:07:55.449
of pencil shavings. I don't know. that's probably

01:07:55.449 --> 01:07:59.730
it yeah well anyhow thank you new guy even though

01:07:59.730 --> 01:08:02.909
you're surly and hate us thank you yeah so all

01:08:02.909 --> 01:08:06.809
right rob let's turn it over to you okay well

01:08:06.809 --> 01:09:03.489
it's that time again hell yeah Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

01:09:05.199 --> 01:11:15.880
Cool. Interesting. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Wow. I thought

01:11:15.880 --> 01:11:18.840
that was pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah, very much so.

01:11:19.720 --> 01:11:22.100
A little history there. Yeah, thank you. A lot

01:11:22.100 --> 01:11:24.100
of these are history. I didn't mean to be, but

01:11:24.100 --> 01:11:26.640
they are turned out to be history. I like them.

01:11:26.739 --> 01:11:29.779
I like them. That's cool. All right. Thank you,

01:11:29.779 --> 01:11:36.520
Rob. Let's see. Where is it? Wannabe Magistrate

01:11:36.520 --> 01:11:39.720
Wilbert. Mateo, 45, of Kansas City, Missouri,

01:11:39.920 --> 01:11:42.979
was charged with burglary and stealing from a

01:11:42.979 --> 01:11:46.699
Jackson County, Missouri courtroom. KSHB -TV

01:11:46.699 --> 01:11:50.880
reported surveillance cameras spotted Mateo inside

01:11:50.880 --> 01:11:53.680
the courthouse at Independence on October 2nd

01:11:53.680 --> 01:11:56.579
around 3 .30 p .m. After speaking with workers

01:11:56.579 --> 01:11:59.199
there, he slipped into parts of the courthouse

01:11:59.199 --> 01:12:01.880
that are not covered by the cameras. Around 7

01:12:01.880 --> 01:12:04.939
.30 p .m., he was recorded entering a courtroom

01:12:04.939 --> 01:12:07.619
where he apparently spent the night. The next

01:12:07.619 --> 01:12:10.500
morning, a witness saw Mateo and alerted officers.

01:12:10.779 --> 01:12:13.960
They found him wearing a judge robes and carrying

01:12:13.960 --> 01:12:16.640
three bags. Inside the bags were a small brass

01:12:16.640 --> 01:12:20.520
dog statue, pens, and a sticky note with logging

01:12:20.520 --> 01:12:22.939
credentials on it, along with three laptops,

01:12:23.239 --> 01:12:26.760
data storage, electronic devices, and other office

01:12:26.760 --> 01:12:29.680
supplies. Mateo said he planned to sell the items

01:12:29.680 --> 01:12:32.699
to the highest bidder. But he didn't because

01:12:32.699 --> 01:12:38.510
he's in jail. All right, Mateo, not very smart.

01:12:38.609 --> 01:12:40.729
If you're going to steal something, don't take

01:12:40.729 --> 01:12:46.270
a nap. Grab the shit and leave. So I think that's

01:12:46.270 --> 01:12:48.670
the whole moral of the story there is grab the

01:12:48.670 --> 01:12:51.090
shit and leave. All right, we are going to take

01:12:51.090 --> 01:12:52.989
our second break. We're going to come back with

01:12:52.989 --> 01:13:03.149
some Rob stuff. All right. Oh, man, what the

01:13:03.149 --> 01:13:07.260
fuck is this? Is this a new feature? What's inside

01:13:07.260 --> 01:13:12.819
Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me. If you took

01:13:12.819 --> 01:13:16.279
my first name backwards, it would read as cram.

01:13:18.279 --> 01:13:20.880
So you want proof that we love you here at QD

01:13:20.880 --> 01:13:23.640
Spades and Microphone Central? Here's a proof

01:13:23.640 --> 01:13:27.359
right here about the drink of the week. How to

01:13:27.359 --> 01:13:30.460
make the famous Carnival Cruise Line Miami Vice

01:13:30.460 --> 01:13:33.859
frozen drink. Two ounces Bacardi one, seven ounces

01:13:33.859 --> 01:13:37.260
frozen pina colada mix. Three ounces strawberry

01:13:37.260 --> 01:13:40.460
daiquiri mix. Half a hurricane glass of ice.

01:13:40.680 --> 01:13:42.640
Blend it all together and serve with a slice

01:13:42.640 --> 01:13:45.039
of pineapple and a maraschino cherry on top.

01:13:45.460 --> 01:13:49.520
Bam. There you go. Miami Vice, carnival style.

01:13:50.520 --> 01:13:53.640
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for

01:13:53.640 --> 01:13:56.319
brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.

01:13:57.640 --> 01:14:02.939
A goat farm in Montana has a parrot trained to

01:14:02.939 --> 01:14:23.619
call the goats in for dinner every night. Please

01:14:23.619 --> 01:14:26.399
enjoy Brick Shithouse Energy Drink responsibly.

01:14:26.500 --> 01:14:29.340
It's not readily available anywhere because of

01:14:29.340 --> 01:14:32.760
liability issues. Our constant pursuit for a

01:14:32.760 --> 01:14:35.979
real knee slapper. It's strange insults from

01:14:35.979 --> 01:14:40.399
an alien. Real hilarity. You seem to be suffering

01:14:40.399 --> 01:14:45.859
from delusions of adequacy. And now we look in

01:14:45.859 --> 01:14:48.180
on the adventures of the technical explanation

01:14:48.180 --> 01:14:52.159
guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could you please

01:14:52.159 --> 01:14:54.979
put my plain bread in a small countertop appliance

01:14:54.979 --> 01:14:57.079
with heating elements that would spring loaded

01:14:57.079 --> 01:15:00.239
and would brown my bread adequately? Well, first

01:15:00.239 --> 01:15:03.020
off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over there

01:15:03.020 --> 01:15:06.100
sitting at the table having a drink. Second off,

01:15:06.140 --> 01:15:08.039
are you talking about someone toasting your bread?

01:15:08.439 --> 01:15:11.100
Why, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread

01:15:11.100 --> 01:15:13.260
being toasted. Then why don't you just ask for

01:15:13.260 --> 01:15:15.899
your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? The

01:15:15.899 --> 01:15:20.180
hell's wrong with you? The apocalypse just happened.

01:15:20.800 --> 01:15:23.439
You don't know what to do. You don't know where

01:15:23.439 --> 01:15:26.300
to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.

01:15:28.319 --> 01:15:31.840
Ground ivy. is a persistent ground cover that

01:15:31.840 --> 01:15:34.420
often escapes death by lawnmowers due to its

01:15:34.420 --> 01:15:37.279
low profile it spreads by setting out roots from

01:15:37.279 --> 01:15:41.159
its nodes and can colonize an area quickly ground

01:15:41.159 --> 01:15:44.300
ivy is in the mint family so it has square stems

01:15:44.300 --> 01:15:47.159
which help identify it although it's a mint it's

01:15:47.159 --> 01:15:49.100
probably not something you would chew on for

01:15:49.100 --> 01:15:52.039
that refreshing tingly taste that other mints

01:15:52.039 --> 01:15:56.100
impart use young shoots and leaves and salads

01:15:56.100 --> 01:15:59.050
are cooked But be sure to taste before adding

01:15:59.050 --> 01:16:01.750
too much since it has a strong flavor that may

01:16:01.750 --> 01:16:06.250
not go over well in a large quantity. Next up,

01:16:06.350 --> 01:16:11.149
things overheard in hell. Howard Stern just signed

01:16:11.149 --> 01:16:15.449
a 10 -year contract extension. Two douchebags

01:16:15.449 --> 01:16:17.550
and microphone in an effort to keep everything

01:16:17.550 --> 01:16:24.649
fresh. We offer you first world problems. Damn

01:16:24.649 --> 01:16:30.720
it. I can't decide between nachos, chili, or

01:16:30.720 --> 01:16:35.460
wings for the game tonight. This is bullshit.

01:16:35.520 --> 01:16:37.720
I should not have to make decisions like this.

01:16:46.819 --> 01:16:49.300
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here

01:16:49.300 --> 01:16:51.399
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap

01:16:51.399 --> 01:17:59.979
studio. Rob we turn this over to you Wow. Wow.

01:18:01.340 --> 01:21:18.140
That is a big amount. Okay. They're picking them

01:21:18.140 --> 01:21:24.659
up. They're catching them on radar or whatever

01:21:24.659 --> 01:21:28.439
they're using, you know. Uh -huh. And, yeah,

01:21:28.640 --> 01:21:31.560
something's there. Yeah. Something's got to be

01:21:31.560 --> 01:21:34.880
there. That many sightings. A lot of them are

01:21:34.880 --> 01:21:39.859
eyewitness. 30 ,000. Yeah. That's pretty convincing.

01:21:40.159 --> 01:21:46.479
That's very convincing. Wow. Three years ago,

01:21:47.380 --> 01:21:51.659
over 30 ,000. That's, wow. There's something

01:21:51.659 --> 01:21:56.460
happening. You can argue over what it is, but

01:21:56.460 --> 01:21:59.560
there's something happening, definitely. Yeah,

01:21:59.560 --> 01:22:03.399
and that's the UFOs coming out of the water,

01:22:03.500 --> 01:22:06.479
not the skies. This is coming out of the water.

01:22:07.180 --> 01:22:20.960
Okay. okay um i yeah i i mean i have so many

01:22:20.960 --> 01:22:23.000
different thoughts on that and i'm sure you do

01:22:23.000 --> 01:22:25.420
too i mean i really don't know what to say except

01:22:25.420 --> 01:22:30.819
um there's something going on so yeah i mean

01:22:30.819 --> 01:22:34.100
could they be experimental stuff from the government

01:22:34.100 --> 01:22:37.060
of course yeah i mean they don't tell us so much

01:22:37.060 --> 01:22:47.079
stuff Yeah, but, okay. Yeah, they would be saying

01:22:47.079 --> 01:22:49.899
that, too. But, I mean, I don't know. 30 ,000?

01:22:49.899 --> 01:22:51.960
I don't think the government could have 30 ,000

01:22:51.960 --> 01:22:54.979
things like that. I don't know. So, interesting.

01:22:55.560 --> 01:22:57.319
We're going to find out one of these days, I'm

01:22:57.319 --> 01:22:59.039
certain. Like, one of these days, we're going

01:22:59.039 --> 01:23:00.340
to piss them off and they're going to just come

01:23:00.340 --> 01:23:02.479
down and just knock the shit out of us or something.

01:23:02.619 --> 01:23:04.760
We'll find out. I think it's going to be sooner

01:23:04.760 --> 01:23:09.199
or later. I think so, too. So, I forgot. I have

01:23:09.199 --> 01:23:12.739
some ass paddlings. Want to do some ass paddlings?

01:23:12.899 --> 01:23:16.460
All right. Um, now this has been over like a

01:23:16.460 --> 01:23:18.680
month and a half since we've done ass paddling.

01:23:18.699 --> 01:23:21.460
So there's some older ones up here, but that's

01:23:21.460 --> 01:23:23.819
one of the reasons I need to get to them. Um,

01:23:23.920 --> 01:23:26.579
so ass paddlings were developed because, um,

01:23:27.420 --> 01:23:31.140
um, we, we believe that people need ass paddlings

01:23:31.140 --> 01:23:34.119
when they do stupid shit. Right. And the only

01:23:34.119 --> 01:23:37.279
way to really achieve this is to be, um, invisible.

01:23:37.539 --> 01:23:39.800
So it has to be invisible ass paddling so we

01:23:39.800 --> 01:23:41.640
can grab the person and then paddle them. They

01:23:41.640 --> 01:23:45.020
can't see us to get away. So this all originated,

01:23:45.340 --> 01:23:47.319
Topher and I were on a little vacation getaway

01:23:47.319 --> 01:23:49.779
in Florida. And we're hanging out on the beach

01:23:49.779 --> 01:23:54.300
one morning walking down sand. Our hair was blowing

01:23:54.300 --> 01:23:57.159
gently in the wind and the sun was rising. And

01:23:57.159 --> 01:23:59.600
we were not holding hands, although Rob and the

01:23:59.600 --> 01:24:02.300
Duke always say we were. We were not holding

01:24:02.300 --> 01:24:04.939
hands. Two guys can have a tender moment without

01:24:04.939 --> 01:24:07.739
holding hands. But evidently Rob and the Duke

01:24:07.739 --> 01:24:11.560
don't think that. Um, just, you know, strictly

01:24:11.560 --> 01:24:14.079
just a couple of buddies walking down and I stubbed

01:24:14.079 --> 01:24:17.359
my toe and I'm like, oh shit. And I look back

01:24:17.359 --> 01:24:19.319
there and Topher goes, ah, that looks like a

01:24:19.319 --> 01:24:21.060
genie bottle. And I'm like, yeah, it is not.

01:24:21.199 --> 01:24:22.920
I walk over there. I go, Hey dude, it's a genie

01:24:22.920 --> 01:24:24.960
bottle. And he's like, ah, what? I fucking told

01:24:24.960 --> 01:24:32.560
you that. So. I know I quit. I quit since then.

01:24:32.680 --> 01:24:35.380
I mean, those open toe things. Yeah, no good.

01:24:35.560 --> 01:24:38.600
I mean, yeah, I was wearing my leopard skin Crocs.

01:24:38.600 --> 01:24:42.520
I thought they were cool. With socks on. I was

01:24:42.520 --> 01:24:46.520
wearing. Yeah, I was wearing my Bobby socks,

01:24:46.720 --> 01:24:51.100
tube socks. And I was wearing those with, you

01:24:51.100 --> 01:24:54.060
know, with the 1970s bands on the top of them,

01:24:54.100 --> 01:24:59.020
stripes of colors and leopard skin Crocs. and

01:24:59.020 --> 01:25:01.720
i stubbed my toe and you know as a genie bottle

01:25:01.720 --> 01:25:04.239
i opened up and in the genie bottle hey the genie

01:25:04.239 --> 01:25:07.560
he pops out he's like he was very condescending

01:25:07.560 --> 01:25:09.640
he hated us he thought we're neanderthals and

01:25:09.640 --> 01:25:12.600
he was probably right and we both go hey we get

01:25:12.600 --> 01:25:14.699
three wishes and he rolls his eye he goes no

01:25:14.699 --> 01:25:17.800
he goes no you watch too much tv you get one

01:25:17.800 --> 01:25:22.000
wish one wish only make it count guys world peace

01:25:22.000 --> 01:25:28.039
um pollution Make this count, guys. And Topher

01:25:28.039 --> 01:25:29.979
and I looked at each other and said, we want

01:25:29.979 --> 01:25:32.020
to be invisible so we can ask paddle people.

01:25:33.420 --> 01:25:36.239
The genie very reluctantly rolled his eyes and

01:25:36.239 --> 01:25:40.359
he said, I have to give you your wish. So, okay,

01:25:40.439 --> 01:25:43.020
you got it. And then we get special permission

01:25:43.020 --> 01:25:46.439
from the genie that Rob can also join Topher

01:25:46.439 --> 01:25:49.739
and I in paddling people. And the paddle is in

01:25:49.739 --> 01:25:53.560
replica of old Sparky that used to touch my bottom.

01:25:56.240 --> 01:26:00.159
at Cass Midway High School. The last I knew,

01:26:00.220 --> 01:26:04.619
old Sparky was retired and in the trophy case

01:26:04.619 --> 01:26:07.180
at Cass Midway when you walk in the main entrance

01:26:07.180 --> 01:26:12.100
in Midway High. and old sparky was a really delightful

01:26:12.100 --> 01:26:15.119
piece of equipment it had a long wooden stock

01:26:15.119 --> 01:26:18.659
it was solid wood and it had holes in the paddle

01:26:18.659 --> 01:26:21.260
portion of it to where you could gather more

01:26:21.260 --> 01:26:23.439
momentum when you're spanking someone's ass and

01:26:23.439 --> 01:26:26.960
believe me it did not feel good so it's a replica

01:26:26.960 --> 01:26:29.479
of old sparky and that's what we use on these

01:26:29.479 --> 01:26:32.460
people so the first person that gets an ass paddling

01:26:32.460 --> 01:26:36.119
on this list is mark sanchez we never covered

01:26:36.119 --> 01:26:40.319
the story officially But Mark Sanchez, the former

01:26:40.319 --> 01:26:43.100
quarterback for the New York Jets and then a

01:26:43.100 --> 01:26:47.359
sports commentator, I think, I can't remember

01:26:47.359 --> 01:26:51.220
what city it was in, but he took and he got into

01:26:51.220 --> 01:26:55.319
an altercation and he got stabbed. But he was

01:26:55.319 --> 01:26:58.840
going after somebody. So after he got out of

01:26:58.840 --> 01:27:01.859
the hospital, he went to jail for felony attempted

01:27:01.859 --> 01:27:04.979
assault or assault and battery or something like

01:27:04.979 --> 01:27:08.300
that. So Mark Sanchez, the ex -quarterback and

01:27:08.300 --> 01:27:11.279
now ex -sports commentator, I'm pretty sure,

01:27:11.380 --> 01:27:15.279
he gets an ass paddle. Then Jerry Jones, the

01:27:15.279 --> 01:27:19.479
owner of the Dallas Cowboys. He gets an ass paddling

01:27:19.479 --> 01:27:22.039
because he got fined for taunting fans. And this

01:27:22.039 --> 01:27:24.939
is a month and a half ago, too. But we never

01:27:24.939 --> 01:27:27.380
officially covered that story either. So, so

01:27:27.380 --> 01:27:31.140
far, we have Mark Sanchez and Jerry Jones. The

01:27:31.140 --> 01:27:34.340
next one is the government. And this was a month

01:27:34.340 --> 01:27:36.079
and a half ago, and it's still going on now.

01:27:36.399 --> 01:27:39.840
And this would be the shutdown and both sides

01:27:39.840 --> 01:27:42.079
being dicks and hurting the American people.

01:27:42.180 --> 01:27:44.239
The government gets, and the government is going

01:27:44.239 --> 01:27:46.000
to go into the Hall of Fame. What do you think?

01:27:49.090 --> 01:27:52.270
Yep. Hall of Fame, and the Hall of Fame is simply

01:27:52.270 --> 01:27:54.050
this. We can grab you out there and paddle you

01:27:54.050 --> 01:27:57.189
at any given moment, no notice. And you're always

01:27:57.189 --> 01:28:00.529
up there on the wall. As much as we like trying

01:28:00.529 --> 01:28:02.670
to stay out of politics, if you're going to do

01:28:02.670 --> 01:28:04.930
it, we're going to talk about it. Yeah, and we're

01:28:04.930 --> 01:28:08.109
going to paddle your ass too. Yep. The next one

01:28:08.109 --> 01:28:12.449
is Chris Jones. Chris Jones' body play is irritating.

01:28:14.109 --> 01:28:17.090
Irritating. like the time he let Trevor Lawrence

01:28:17.090 --> 01:28:19.310
fall down and then run in the end zone right

01:28:19.310 --> 01:28:20.670
in front of him while he stood there watching.

01:28:21.729 --> 01:28:24.010
That was the main reason, but his body play,

01:28:24.149 --> 01:28:27.109
he's not that good anymore, and he's commanding

01:28:27.109 --> 01:28:29.350
a lot of money, even held out to get more money.

01:28:29.569 --> 01:28:33.569
Travis Kelsey renegotiated his contract to help

01:28:33.569 --> 01:28:35.609
Chris Jones so he wouldn't sit out the season,

01:28:35.710 --> 01:28:41.390
and now this is what we get for it? The next

01:28:41.390 --> 01:28:43.590
one would be, and he doesn't deserve it now because

01:28:43.590 --> 01:28:45.649
he's done better, but back then he did, and that

01:28:45.649 --> 01:28:48.409
would be Harrison Butker for making a shit ton

01:28:48.409 --> 01:28:51.470
of money and missing field goals and especially

01:28:51.470 --> 01:28:56.609
extra points. The next one we just reported on,

01:28:56.689 --> 01:28:59.250
the guy that broke into the Jackson County Courthouse

01:28:59.250 --> 01:29:01.569
and wore judge's robes and was stealing items

01:29:01.569 --> 01:29:04.609
until he passed out and was caught. Does that

01:29:04.609 --> 01:29:07.710
agree? Should he get into the Hall of Fame or

01:29:07.710 --> 01:29:15.350
not? Okay, all right. You're on notice. Fuck,

01:29:15.409 --> 01:29:17.489
I didn't even put his name down. Just the guy

01:29:17.489 --> 01:29:22.229
who did that. So, all right. Next one, Dan Campbell

01:29:22.229 --> 01:29:26.170
and the Crying Detroit Lions. They definitely

01:29:26.170 --> 01:29:28.989
need it. And this is a while back, like I said.

01:29:29.310 --> 01:29:32.529
They need, they, I don't know if they're getting,

01:29:32.609 --> 01:29:34.829
okay. They're not going to get the Hall of Fame

01:29:34.829 --> 01:29:37.750
right now. But they're on the cusp of it. If

01:29:37.750 --> 01:29:39.270
they do anything else stupid, they're in the

01:29:39.270 --> 01:29:43.289
Hall of Fame. All right, the next one of Ask

01:29:43.289 --> 01:29:45.729
Padlings is Stephen Markham for putting up body

01:29:45.729 --> 01:29:48.770
bag decorations with district judges' names and

01:29:48.770 --> 01:29:54.210
promptly gathering a felony charge for it. So,

01:29:54.210 --> 01:29:57.130
and we covered that last podcast, not this one.

01:29:57.869 --> 01:30:00.510
So he gets that, Stephen Markham, for doing that.

01:30:01.029 --> 01:30:04.029
The next guy is Brian Branch, who we sent a get

01:30:04.029 --> 01:30:07.130
well card after being bullied so bad by the Kansas

01:30:07.130 --> 01:30:10.710
City Chiefs. for not owning up to his anger issues.

01:30:11.189 --> 01:30:13.729
And Brian Branch probably should get the Hall

01:30:13.729 --> 01:30:15.430
of Fame, but I'm not going to quite do it yet.

01:30:15.449 --> 01:30:21.029
What do you think, Rob? Not quite yet. Okay,

01:30:21.069 --> 01:30:23.310
if he does anything else... He's close. You're

01:30:23.310 --> 01:30:26.810
close, Brian Branch. And I hope you got our Get

01:30:26.810 --> 01:30:30.970
Well Soon card. And that was really sent to care

01:30:30.970 --> 01:30:35.750
of the Detroit Lions. And then finally, the blind

01:30:35.750 --> 01:30:40.569
-ass ref... Yeah, he probably won't. So, the

01:30:40.569 --> 01:30:43.170
blind -ass referees in the NFL get the Hall of

01:30:43.170 --> 01:30:45.350
Fame. I think they're already in the Hall of

01:30:45.350 --> 01:30:48.250
Fame, but they get it again. Oh, they are fucking

01:30:48.250 --> 01:30:52.329
worthless. Worthless. Even though I defended

01:30:52.329 --> 01:30:54.729
them the other day, they're worthless. They're

01:30:54.729 --> 01:30:57.289
horrible, and they need to find other jobs. They

01:30:57.289 --> 01:31:00.569
can't do that job, obviously. They suck. And

01:31:00.569 --> 01:31:02.989
that is the end of the Ask Paddlin', so we turn

01:31:02.989 --> 01:31:21.859
it to you, Rob. Yay. Yeah, that's cool. That

01:31:21.859 --> 01:32:41.539
is. Cool Okay. Which I vaguely remember that.

01:32:42.460 --> 01:33:12.250
That's what I was thinking too. Yeah. Okay. Mm

01:33:12.250 --> 01:33:40.069
-hmm. Wow. Yep. Oh, candy corn? Ugh, he ruined

01:33:40.069 --> 01:33:47.340
it with candy corn. Yeah. I was all on board

01:33:47.340 --> 01:33:50.840
until I heard candy corn. Thanks, Robert. We

01:33:50.840 --> 01:33:53.399
were with you until that, dude. Robert Unglund,

01:33:53.479 --> 01:33:59.979
we love you, but no candy corn. Yeah. Okay. All

01:33:59.979 --> 01:34:06.739
right. Is that it? Yeah, that was it for that

01:34:06.739 --> 01:34:10.739
story. Okay. Thank you, Rob. I got a little story

01:34:10.739 --> 01:34:12.819
here I'd like to cover here real quick. Former

01:34:12.819 --> 01:34:15.960
strip club employee Jordan Cotto, 26, arrived

01:34:15.960 --> 01:34:19.100
at Atlantis Gentleman's Club in Tampa, Florida

01:34:19.100 --> 01:34:22.640
on October 10th, hoping to speak with management,

01:34:22.939 --> 01:34:25.520
the smoking gun reported. Instead, he got involved

01:34:25.520 --> 01:34:27.840
in a verbal argument and grabbed a cheeseburger

01:34:27.840 --> 01:34:30.539
from his car, which he hurled at a male victim.

01:34:30.739 --> 01:34:33.199
The victim was unharmed, but police spoke with

01:34:33.199 --> 01:34:35.760
Cotto, who said he did throw a cheeseburger from

01:34:35.760 --> 01:34:38.199
his vehicle and would do it again if he needed

01:34:38.199 --> 01:34:40.909
to. Cotto was arrested for battery and eventually

01:34:40.909 --> 01:34:44.489
released on his own recognizance. That's it.

01:34:44.609 --> 01:34:46.310
I just wanted to talk about the guy that threw

01:34:46.310 --> 01:34:48.529
a cheeseburger at another guy in a strip club

01:34:48.529 --> 01:34:59.229
parking lot. Fair enough? Rob? Yes, fair enough.

01:34:59.390 --> 01:35:02.050
Sorry I had to help you. Oh, okay. That's cool.

01:35:02.949 --> 01:35:06.170
I was making a little noise here. Oh, okay. That's

01:35:06.170 --> 01:35:10.340
fine. It is 9 .15. Do you want to keep going?

01:35:10.600 --> 01:35:13.399
You got another story? Yeah, I'm done tonight.

01:35:13.779 --> 01:35:17.699
Okay. All right. It's been another long weekend.

01:35:17.859 --> 01:35:20.659
It's going to be a long weekend all month. I

01:35:20.659 --> 01:35:23.359
know, until you finally... I'm getting married

01:35:23.359 --> 01:35:29.680
on the 28th, so yeah. So everybody, send loincloths

01:35:29.680 --> 01:35:33.390
to Rob. That's what he wants. That's what he

01:35:33.390 --> 01:35:36.789
wants for a wedding gift is loincloths. So send

01:35:36.789 --> 01:35:39.989
it. It can be bedazzled. It can be Tarzan. It

01:35:39.989 --> 01:35:42.090
can be just, I don't know, raggedy. You don't

01:35:42.090 --> 01:35:46.649
care, just loincloths, right? Doesn't matter

01:35:46.649 --> 01:35:49.130
at this point. My old one's getting pretty worn

01:35:49.130 --> 01:35:53.050
out. His leopard skin one is like just falling

01:35:53.050 --> 01:35:55.590
apart. So if anyone sees a leopard skin one,

01:35:55.710 --> 01:35:57.550
get it for them. Looks like a worn out dish rag.

01:35:57.750 --> 01:36:05.350
Yeah, yeah, yep. Anyhow, hi Albuquerque, hi Hicksville,

01:36:05.529 --> 01:36:09.949
hi Grandma Opal, hi Jimmy, hi Ricky. Thank you

01:36:09.949 --> 01:36:11.789
everybody for listening, especially all the new

01:36:11.789 --> 01:36:15.109
downloaders. Please keep downloading us. Look,

01:36:15.229 --> 01:36:18.989
I know it's not a paranormal episode, but we

01:36:18.989 --> 01:36:20.930
do cover some of that, and we are going to get

01:36:20.930 --> 01:36:24.050
into paranormal sooner or later. So hang with

01:36:24.050 --> 01:36:26.569
us, man. We think you'll enjoy the show. Just

01:36:26.569 --> 01:36:29.310
stay with us, okay? Thank you guys very much.

01:36:29.850 --> 01:36:37.939
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the

01:36:37.939 --> 01:36:40.979
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea

01:36:40.979 --> 01:36:45.039
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.

01:36:45.060 --> 01:36:47.260
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.