Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make all friends, family members, and workmates
download this show. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
promise to grab idle computers, work computers,
friends computers, community computers, and other
assorted phones and listening devices and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
will download the show and constantly barrage
everyone with show name and platforms. I, Joe
or Jane Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume
and scream the show's name from my front yard.
And finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy
humor, you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking
in Uranus, Missouri to take selfies with the
signs. If you go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory.
Yes, there's a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. Strange, but true.
Japanese soldier is Shibunki Iwano. was presumed
dead after World War II and declared deceased
in 2000. Unbeknownst to his family, he had settled
in Ukraine, married to have three children and
built a new life. In 2006, feeling homesick after
six decades, 83 -year -old Ishiwanki returned
to Japan with his son, reunited with a surviving
family for the first time since the war. Oh,
man, what the fuck is this? Is this a new feature?
What's inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me.
Why do people say tuna fish sandwich when nobody
says chicken bird sandwich? Ms. Gulkenstein was
tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of her.
Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob, the capuchin monkey, tries to sell
the rest of the capuchin monkeys Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a diamond status Amway
as a capuchin monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Next up, things
overheard in hell. Dishwater has the top ten
spots on Billboard Top 100. Hey there, slap nuts.
It's time for the Creeps Music News. Hey, my
little pumpkin seeds, this is Johnny Rohypnol
with your music news. Slash was on Eddie Trunk's
Trunk Nation the other day. Eddie asked Slash
if they plan on doing any U .S. dates next year.
Slash's reply was yes, we are doing a U .S. tour
next year as well as another album. He said they
have more than enough material for a full album.
This is great news for all the Guns N' Roses
fans, including myself. This is Johnny Rohypnol.
That was your music news, and remember, Bar courts
are bullshit. And now we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy. Why, excuse
me, sir. Could you please pass the Piper Negram?
Do you mean the black pepper? Why, yes. Yes,
I do mean the black pepper. Then just say the
black pepper, you dumbass. She. Two douchebags
and a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas
City area, approximately 12 .2 miles away from
Ghia Field at Arrowhead Stadium, where the big
bad Kansas City Chiefs play, except this weekend.
They're going to be up in Bill's territory. I'm
Mark at the Talk is Cheap studio. Packing. Packing.
Yeah, packing sucks. But it's a necessary evil,
isn't it? Yep. At this point, I have to. Okay.
Rob, I know you haven't because you've been so
busy, but you haven't checked RSS .com lately,
have you? I'm going to do that as soon as we
are done tonight. Okay. The Crescent Hotel episode
brought in a lot of extra downloaders. I didn't
realize there were so many people interested
in the paranormal in a podcast. You know, it
kind of makes you wonder if maybe we should do
a podcast in a room in the Crescent. You know,
I examined the whole Crescent episode and I didn't
hear anything too unusual. I did expect to hear
some type of interference, but there really wasn't
any that I've heard. There's a couple of creaks
and stuff, but that happens on a lot of different
levels for a lot of different things. So I can't
blame that on... I listened to it, and I really
did not catch it. Yeah, so I'm pretty convinced
we didn't get anything. I think maybe I need
to do it one in a room there. you know or maybe
both of us do rob i mean i don't know it's just
an idea you know um i wish i would have gotten
a little bit more into the paranormal on that
show i think i would have turned more people
i hope people now after they heard it will be
like okay it wasn't paranormal but i like it
so they'll go ahead and download some other shows
but because i tagged the crescent there And,
you know, and I said, it's two douchebags, microphone
podcast. It garnered a lot of downloads. And
I was really kind of taken back by that. I looked
at it, I go, what? Okay, cool. So, and the only
thing I can attribute it to is it's a paranormal
episode. It's what people thought, right? Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, it was done at the Crescent. It
was done out in the courtyard. It wasn't done
indoors. But I think it would be completely different
where I have weird shit happen to me inside and
especially inside a room. Now, I don't know if
I can get into 304. I think it is Mikey's room.
And then there's another room there that they
say is the second most haunted. They say Mikey's
room is the most haunted. And then the second
one, I forgot. It was someone else's room. And
304 and then something else. And you really can't
get those rooms. Number one, they're astronomical
in prices. And number two, you can't hardly book
them because people booked them way in advance.
But I had some crazy shit happen in other rooms
in that place too. So I think sooner or later.
We're going to have to do a paranormal episode
from the Crescent and maybe even the Basin Park
too, because a lot of people say the Basin Park
Hotel is just as haunted. So, or actually, no,
I know a better one. Val had this happen to her.
Grand Central Hotel downtown on Main Street,
you know, Main Street, not Spring Street, you
know, not, okay, yeah. I've heard about that,
yeah. Okay. Well, I didn't know it was so haunted.
You know, I was always thought that the crescent
was the haunted, then the other ones were just
kind of, you know, tagging along to get some
of the glory and the people there. But, you know,
I told you about the magnetic springs and their
theory, the paranormalist theory on the magnetic
springs that are in that area. They conduct spirits
and all that. Well, the Grand Central, I took
and I went down to this outside bar. Right next
to the Grand Central, I couldn't really sleep
that well. So I'm like, Val, I'm going to go
grab a couple of yinlings. You care if I do?
You want to go with? And she's like, no, no,
no, go ahead. So I'm out there in the courtyard
drinking a couple of beers. And I was out there
for like a good hour and a half. And Val thought
I came back in the room. She thought I went down
there and nothing was happening and came back.
Because she heard someone start in the jacuzzi.
She heard someone walking around that whole time
and everything. And she was like, what? You weren't
here? I go, no, I just got in. I just came in
and went to bed. And she's like, oh, okay. And
she goes, well, they weren't open. I go, no,
they were open. She's like, okay, you came right
back. No. So the Grand Central, I'll probably
do that one after the Crescent. If the Crescent
comes out well, I'll probably go to the Grand
Central Hotel and then maybe Basin Park. Or maybe
we'll go to one of these magnetic springs and
just go do one from there. What do you think
about that? Yeah, you know, there's all kinds
of possibilities. So, anyhow, but what do you
think about trying to get interviews with some
of the elders that own Bed and Breakfast and
shops there? I guarantee you they would have
some stories to tell. Well, the guy that attends
to Hidden Springs Bed and Breakfast. He knows
a lot about the paranormal. He told us so many
things, you know, about the haint blue. I told
you about the haint blue that they paint on the
outside of the houses to keep the spirits away.
They call it haint, like haint with an H in front
of it. Haint. blue it's a special color blue
and they say that it's you know that the spirits
won't go in it because of that blue he was telling
us that and a bunch of other things that were
like really interesting and he would be a good
guy to ask and there's some other ones that have
owned bed and breakfast there elderly people
that have been there a long time that i'd like
to talk to so i think that's going to come up
but that's not going to be till next summer because
we got a whole lot of shitty weather in between
here and there and you won't catch me down in
those hills during shitty weather So, um, so,
um, and I might even get one of the ghost tour
people to do a show too. Yeah. I might even have
a shot at the guy, you know, that I tortured
so much, you know, after I bought him the cappuccino,
you know, it smoothed things out a little bit.
He did thank me. So I don't think he hates me
anymore. So I guess I'll find out if I ask him
if he wants to do an interview or not. Yeah.
yeah i'll say that wasn't me man there's some
guy that looks just like me walking around here
doing that shit yeah so so anyhow uh so and as
i'm writing this out on my computer i looked
up and i saw a frost advisory for this region
for tomorrow morning i'm glad they waited so
long because i have to bring the tropical plants
in after work after the podcast bastards oh you
get you had the same thing i had it sprung on
you like what so Yeah, I mean, I've got to go
get them out. Those tropicals, I mean, 35 degrees
will kill some of them. I mean, you know, I have
like a foxtail palm and then I forgot what kind
of palm tree. I've got a couple of those that
are very sensitive to the cold, so I've got to
get them in. Some of the other ones may not be
such a big deal, but I'm going to try to get
them all in, though, when we get done with this
podcast. It'll probably be just a good idea.
You're going to need everything you can get.
Yes. Yes. And I've lived around here a long time.
I know better. And I should have when I had the
day off yesterday. I should have just went and
went ahead and did it then. But I was like, no,
they're not calling for any type of frost. I'll
just leave it alone. And then this morning I
was writing a couple, well, actually not writing
some stuff out. I was kind of correcting a couple
of things that I had that I was going to talk
about. Because, you know, we do bullet points
pretty much. And I was doing that and all of
a sudden it goes bink and I look up and I'm like,
Frost Advisory? Oh, you fuckers. So, anyhow.
So, like I mentioned in the past couple episodes,
Eureka Springs has the world's largest zombie
crawl. You know, I would also like to do a show
from the zombie parade. Wouldn't that be cool?
And interview the people that are dressed up
and... Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah, because
next year we do plan... Yeah, they are. And next
year we plan on having the video portion. Yeah,
and we'll have the video portion up by then.
So, I mean, you know, I want to do the Crescent
Room first. And then the Zombie Crawl will be
later on in the year about this time next year.
So... Okay. That would be excellent. I'd love
that. Especially the zombie crawl. And then,
you know, I'm also going to take a trick out
of Topher's bag. I'm going to get a recorder
for ambient noise in the room all night. Yes.
I'm going to leave that in the corner, and I
might do one in the bathroom, too, or something
like that, or one out on the balcony if we get
a balcony room, which I usually try to. I might
put them in, get like two or three of them, put
them in different locations and hear the different
noises that you don't hear in the other spots.
You know what I mean? Right. So, anyhow. You
know, we have all this technology at our disposal,
so why not? So, watch out world, more garbage
for your ear holes. So you got that going for
you. So, anyhow. Halloween is once again beating
down the front door. Here's what to expect. At
your adult Halloween costume party this year,
Rob. Biggest thing going. For adults. K -pop
demon hunters. This is a major trend for 2025.
I have no idea. Do you? K -pop demon hunters?
No. I don't know. Okay, we're moving on. Often
featuring skinny jeans, colorful shirts, and
wigs. Wicked. We're in our 50s. Yeah, yeah, we
don't do that. No, we don't do that. So Wicked
with the upcoming movie costumes inspired Wicked
are popular, especially El Fata. Yeah. Glinda
Duos. Wednesday Adam. I don't know about the
characters, whoever the fuck they are. Those
guys. All right. Wednesday Adams. The iconic
look can be achieved with a simple black and
white dress. Family members like Gomez or Pugsley
can also be portrayed. Megan 3, the doll from
the horror film, remains a popular choice. Cowboy
Carter, celebrity looks inspired by Beyonce's
Cowboy Carter era, are a growing trend. Horror
classics like Jason, Freddy, and Pinhead are
constantly popular choices still to this day.
Wednesday in the Adam family, this family friendly
costume idea remains a top pick. So it's not
just Wednesday. It's the whole Adams family.
If you have like a family going trick or treating.
So that's cool. I've seen that done before and
it's pretty cool, you know, cause you got Lurch,
you got Wednesday, you got, you know, I even
cousin it with a hair. so some shorter guy had
the long hair in front of his face and all that
i think is a wig it is the perfect dick cousin
it is like wow that's great so um let's see what
else have we got here uh two oh uh superhero
costumes classic choices like spider -man wonder
woman continually continue to be popular the
mario brothers the enduring popularity of mario
luigi and other characters from the franchise
keep these costumes in demand and i've seen some
of those last year so um ghostbusters a timeless
and popular costume choice for adults other pop
culture sabrina carpenter do you know who that
is rob i have no idea who it is so Sabrina Carpenter.
Hang on, let me take a look here. We've got to
get a new guy back. Okay, okay. Okay, Superman.
The Boys and Gen V characters, whoever that is.
Characters from Guardians of Galaxy, Rocket Raccoon,
and Energizer Bunny. The Energizer Bunny is another
one. Showgirl glam inspired by Taylor Swift,
The Life of a Showgirl. Star Wars characters
like Chewbacca remain popular, along with classic
heroes and villains. Movie costumes characters
like Jack Skellington, Beetlejuice, and Mrs.
Incredible are perennial favorites. So, that's
cool. Sabrina Carpenter. Okay, I know who it
is now. Okay. This led to a record deal with
Hollywood Records to support her music career.
In 2021, she signed with Island Records and became
a pop music sensation. Oh, okay. Well, that makes
sense. All right. Okay, I don't know what you
need to do to look like Sabrina Carpenter, but
okay, there you go. I might try that this year.
Young, skinny, and cute. Yeah, there you go.
With long, blonde hair. Okay, then maybe I can't
do that, like I thought. I was going to go with
Sabrina Carpenter, young, skinny, and cute. Okay,
I'm beat. Guess I won't. Won't be doing that,
right, Rob? We're both brunettes. Yes. All right,
there we go. I mean, do they count white hair
on my beard? I don't know. All right, maybe not.
Hey, yeah, we are getting there. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, there we go. See? But young and cute, no.
So I'm saying I'm probably going to... I'll probably
go with an old man that scratches his ass when
kids come to his door and ask for candy. That's
what I'll do. I can do that really well. I mean,
I'll just stand there and go, What are you supposed
to be, sonny? A pirate. Oh, cool. Quit scratching
your ass, you old bastard. You're handling my
candy. Get out of here, you little fuck. Anyhow,
Rob. Let's turn it to you. All right. Well, it's
been a while since I've done any Lake of the
Ozarks news. Oh, we need some. Oh, yeah, you're
going to love this one. Good. And this is another
shout -out to the Camden County Law Enforcement.
You guys are great. Oh, very cool. 620, dude.
Shoot. Yeah. and five oxycodone and whatever
it is, Tylenol is. Acetamin or something like
that. You know what I mean? Yeah, acetamin. Yeah,
in his pockets. Yeah, in all of his pockets.
Wow. Perry and Shoemaker were transported to
Camden County Jail and formally charged with
second degree trafficking throats. Wow. Like
I said, congratulations Camden County Law Enforcement.
Yes, absolutely. Dude, 600 over 600 pills. Keeping
that garbage off the street. Yeah, wow. That's
a lot of stuff. Thank you. Well, yeah, thank
you very much, Rob. That was a good one. I'm
glad they're keeping that shit off the streets.
Man, they probably saved a few lives, wouldn't
you think? A lot. That many kills? A lot. Yeah.
Well, all right. Thank you, Rob. I'm glad you
had some Lake Area news. We haven't had that
in a while, and it was good news. So, all right.
Let's take our first break and come back with
some emails. I think Mitch had something to say.
Yeah, he did. Yeah, he did. He did. All right.
We'll be right back with more from Mitch. You
can't just start calling it more from Mitch and
not even call it emails. Just call it more from
Mitch. Have you ever looked at something and
said, hmm, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you The
Origin of... The Origin of Coca -Cola. On May
8th, 1886, Dr. John Pemberton served the world's
first Coca -Cola at Jacobs Pharmacy in Atlanta,
Georgia. The drink was served as a tonic for
common ailments. Now, for a limited time only.
Rob Rad's new video series. How to booty clap
and twerk. That's right. Rob shows you his signature
booty clap and how to twerk with ease. Order
today and get a free pair of thongs with Rob's
initials on them. That's right. Rob's initials
on a pair of thongs and learn how to booty clap
with the best. Rob. Sometimes Mark appears to
be in deep thoughts. Usually he is contemplating
whether to squeeze a toot out or save it up for
a better place. But I digress. Sometimes he does
occasionally have a deep thought. Now we look
in on his brilliance. What if I learned telepathy?
And then I tried to talk to random people. How
would I know if they're ignoring me? I guess
some questions are greater than mankind. Your
mama's so fat, Dracula bit her neck and got diabetes.
Now, from his underground bunker in Camden, Missouri,
a stock full of dried goods, canned food, and
a couple of vibrating toys, is Ramblings of a
Madman featuring Rob Rad. Batman would look ridiculous
solving crime on a sunny day. Our constant pursuit
for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults
from an alien. Real hilarity. Two douchebags
and microphone in an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you... First world problems.
Damn it. The city services website is down again.
I can't believe this. I'm going to have to actually
call and talk to someone to pay my damn trash
bill. This is ridiculous. I smell bacon. No,
Wade. It's just Mark sweating. So you want proof
that we love you here at QD Spades and Microphone
Central? Here's a proof right here. How about
the drink of the week? Hey, my little bacon bits.
Do you need to get to Smashville pronto? Did
your friends start without you? We have your
solution. Adios, motherfuckers. Adios, motherfuckers
is one stiff drink. It should be used with caution.
One half ounce of vodka. One half ounce of rum.
One half ounce of tequila. One half ounce of
gin. One half ounce of blue curacao. Two ounces
of sweet and sour mix. Sprite or 7 -Up. Use a
lemon wedge as a garnish and put in a highball
glass. Bam. There you go. Two douchebags and
a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio, approximately
three miles away from something. We are three
miles away from something. You can pick it. All
right, Rob. And whatever that something is, you
know what? I got stuck there. I was like, shit.
I just said three miles for no reason. And I'm
like thinking, what's three miles away that everyone
would know? Oh, two miles away from Avila College.
How's that? All right. Anyhow, all right. Yeah,
there. All right. Now we're on the right track.
First one, Mark, the mystery sports guy needs
some freshening up. The show is rather boring
without an introduction or so promos mixed in.
I feel the show would be much more entertaining
with a little enhancing. Thank you, Roger. And
it doesn't say where he's from. I agree. And
I did do. i i did do a uh opening for it but
unfortunately i did the opening in the first
segment and i forgot the rest of it there's like
25 more minutes and i posted it this morning
half asleep and then this morning on the way
to work i'm like i better listen to that man
i did it really quickly in the morning yep after
about five minutes click that's it no more so
um i will put it i had to delete it when i got
to work and so i'm gonna put it all together
i'm gonna put it back um put it back in I'm going
to drop it later on this evening, but it's going
to have the new beginning, but I don't have any
other promos yet because I've just been too busy,
but that's coming up. So thank you, Roger, and
thank you for taking an interest in the Mystery
Sports Guy. Yeah, thank you. Next one. Mark,
did you try the Huckleberry Pie at the Balcony
Restaurant? We go there every year just to have
pie. Jeff and Little Rock. Yeah. We try to do
it every time we're there. We don't get to every
time, but we try to. The huckleberry pie, you
don't find huckleberry pie anywhere. I mean,
it's extremely hard to find. And it's a really
tasty berry. It's almost like a mix between a
raspberry and a blueberry. Kind of like that.
And the pie is just crazy delicious. And the
Balcony Restaurant is the only restaurant I know
of anywhere that serves huckleberry pie. Do you
know of any, Rob? No. Yeah, I mean, it's kind
of almost like gooseberry. You can't find gooseberry
pie anymore either. You can still find some rhubarb.
But, yeah, that's... So, anyhow, yeah. Yeah.
We go get the huckleberry pie like you do, Jeff
and Little Rock. Thank you. Okay, next one. Rob,
you are on video in the douchebag mobile. We
have deer stands on Double D Highway and have
footage of you. You look the same to me. Mitch
at the DD Highway deer stand eating deer jerky
and watching Rob and Princess go by. Rob, he
kind of got you, didn't he? No, no, he wasn't
hiding. He wasn't hiding. It was the last minute
deal to go down DD. I had to go to the old car.
I told you, Mitch, you go down DD, you're on
my turf, buddy. Something tells me Mitch probably
was in that deer stand watching you go by. I
think he was, too. Mitch, that was a great comeback.
Thank you. All right. All right. Next one. When
are the bastards coming back? I missed that in
the creeps. Rossington in Dallas. Rossington,
you've written us a few times now. Thank you.
We appreciate you. Topher's got some stuff going
on. And as soon as he gets things settled, we'll
be back at it. It's always been like this. You
know, he has stuff come up, you know, and he's
got a lot of things that he has to do. So, you
know. it's a hobby to him like us. So we'll be
back doing it, uh, Rossington. And so thank you.
All right. Hey Mark, are you the mystery sports
guy? Why, why all this mystery sports guy questions
tonight? I'm just curious. I didn't think anyone
really gave a shit about him. I was just kind
of doing it as filler because we're not doing
the other two shows right now. I guess I like
it. Timmy in Baton Rouge. The title mystery,
yeah, Baton Rouge is a kick -ass place. You've
been there, it sounds like. Yes, I have. The
first time I went through there, I seen an old
man with part of his foot missing and this big
hole, this big water hole. Evidently, an alligator
came out and bit his foot. And I just happened
to be driving by and everybody stopped tending
to this poor man. And I'm like, what the fuck
happened? And then he goes, oh, a gator got up
and got his foot. What? Yeah, the gator's in
that mud hole right there. I'm like, what? Yeah,
there's a gator right there. I'm like, shit.
I'm like sitting there going, oh my gosh. I'm
like, you know what? I'm going to get my soda.
I'm going to get the fuck out of here. I believe
it was quite an eye -opening. I'm like, you mean
there's an alligator in there? And this guy was
walking by. And that alligator jumped out, bit
half of his foot off, and then left. Yep. Yep.
I'm like, that's a different world to me. I believe
it 100%. It was weird. So, let's see. What was
the question? Oh, the mystery sports guy. Okay.
The title mystery prevents me from revealing
its true identity. Sorry. He wouldn't be the
mystery sports guy if I gave him away, would
he? Yeah, we can't give Jeffy X away. Yeah, you
don't run into the phone booth when Superman's
changing, right? Yes. There you go. So the mystery
sports guy cannot be revealed. All right. Oh,
this one I like. So you can explain it, Rob,
because I know why. And I think most people that
have downloaded any amount of shows from us knows
why. But this is for you. Rob, why don't you
do any standalone shows? I feel yours would be
interesting. Lisa Penway in St. Cloud, Minnesota.
Go ahead, Rob. Well, the reason being, I don't
have the equipment. Or the time right now. Or
the time. Well, no. If I had the equipment, I
would make the time. It's just that Mark has
my equipment in Kansas City. Yes. And I am now
currently in the middle of moving. Yeah, so...
We'll eventually get there to where Rob's doing
his own stuff. Yeah, yeah. We have the equipment.
It's just that I'm in the middle of moving, so
there's no reason to get it to me now. And actually,
starting next podcast, not this one, but the
next one, Sunday or Monday night, I would like
to do this, if you could. After every podcast,
I want you to do one line. because I have a bunch
of Uncle Rob's tips for life. I just need your
voice. I just need your voice saying one sentence
on each one of them. And just one sentence each
podcast, and we'll have them done in a month.
After we get done. Okay, yeah, works. Yeah, I'll
have them all ready for you, and after I shut
this off, I'll just go, okay, let's start this
recording. Yeah, yeah, because November 28th
is the day I get married. Okay. yeah so all right
well uh yeah and this should tide people over
for a little bit they'll have some more uncle
rob's tips for life so anyhow okay and that is
such a popular segment dude i i don't know why
just that one i thought a lot of stuff we do
is really good but yeah people love that one
and there's only one of them and we missed the
third one and people still love it so i'm just
It is so weird. Okay, Rob, maybe this is the
same to you as it is me. It's so weird what people
really like and you don't think so. I never thought
that much about the segment, did you? Not really.
Yeah. It was that segment. She was sitting right
there. She was like, what? No undercarriage.
Absolutely no undercarriage. Very important.
Yeah, so be it. That is a good segment and people
love it. I have four of them. We're going to
get more. Yeah, I have four of them. All you
got to do is say one line. So, and then plus
put the third line in the other one. So, anyhow.
Or maybe just leave it like it is just to piss
people off. Anyhow. Rob, we'll do it. All right,
Rob, we turn it to you. This is my favorite segment
by far. Oh my gosh. Wow. You know, I'd tell him
to buy a lottery ticket, but I think his luck
for all of life is already done, don't you? Well,
that was during World War II. Yeah, it's probably
right. Well, I know, I know. I'm just, you know,
if he was alive. So, okay. All righty. Do you
want to go into some crime? Oh, go ahead. Oh,
that's right. You're on your bag of garbage.
Sorry. Okay. Sorry. I didn't mean to hurry that
up. I love the bag of garbage. It's my favorite
segment. All right. I got one here. All righty.
Oh, good. Yeah, this is garbage. That's what
we want. An era before financial literacy and
banking access were widespread in many inner
city communities. Jewelry became both a symbol
of success and a form of emergency liquidating.
Okay. Okay. That's why they wear jewelry. Okay.
Well, that's interesting, isn't it? Yeah. It
does make sense, though. It makes sense, though.
If you think about it, it really does. Yeah,
it does. All righty, Rob. You got any more garbage?
No, that was it for tonight, brother. All right.
I might have some more Crumb Olympics. You want
to go into them? Okay. I like it. I do too. It
kind of caught on to me at first. I was like,
nah. Now I'm like, you know what? We can take
this a while until we run out of crumbs. Kind
of like we did the hairy asshole Olympics. We
kind of ran out of subjects. Yeah, we kept using
the same people over and over. Yeah, so this
is the way this is too. Once we start doubling
them up, it's over. So, all right. Yes. Those
are the only ones we didn't use. Literally. We
didn't try to say Moses had a hairy asshole.
No. That was the first person I thought of before
I said that. I'm glad we didn't. You know, we
got enough people not liking us. We would have
had a totally different show if we would have
done that. Oh, yeah. That would not have been
nice. um all righty so the crumb olympics are
okay sometimes crumbs taste completely different
than the actual food you're eating right and
the crumbs are better on a lot of foods like
you know like uh like a really good like a graham
cracker crust pie and you got a little bit of
the filling and the graham cracker dust at the
bottom that's better than the pie isn't it right
okay well that's what this is This is the crumbs
and the crumbs only, and this is what crumbs
would be better. So not the actual whatever,
not the actual cookie, but the crumbs. Not the
actual pie, but the crumbs. So, all right, the
first one is the reigning champ chocolate chip
crumbs, chocolate chip cookie crumbs, against
the challenger ginger snap cookie crumbs. I'm
going to have to stick with chocolate chip because
of the chocolate chunks. Dude, they're crumbs.
They're not going to have chunks. I've got to
go with ginger snaps. They've got ginger through
and through. So you don't think one of the little...
Okay, all right. Then if they don't have any
chocolate chunk, then I'm with you. Ginger crumbs
would have more flavor. Okay, all right. And
they do. I agree. Okay. So if it's just the crumbs...
and no chocolate chips falling off, then I'm
going to have to go with Ginger Snaps, too. All
right, hang on. I need to get a pen so I can
continue to... Yeah, because Ginger Snaps has
ginger all the way through. And it's delicious,
too. So, okay. Yeah. Okay, Ginger Snaps has dethroned
the chocolate chip, the incumbent, the chocolate
chip crumbs. So, all right, the next one is the
Raining Champ Lemon Cake versus... Fig Newton
crumbs. The lemon cake? Yeah, yeah, lemon cake,
because Fig Newton will not have the delicious...
I would puke. What? I would puke. Figs and raisins
go hand in hand with me. I taste them, I throw
up. Okay, well, I like figs and I like Fig Newtons,
but lemon cake would be much more flavorful,
the crumbs. so all right how about raspberry
zinger the reigning champ the crumbs from it
or the lemon meringue pie crumbs now the lemon
meringue that has that has usually has that graham
cracker crust that has a little bit of lemon
in it But then on the other hand, you've got
the raspberry zinger with the coconut and the
raspberry flavor and a little bit of frosting
stuff. This is a tough one. Yeah, so I think
you're right. Because lemon meringue, even if
you do get a little lemon in it, it's not all
the way through. Yeah, I think raspberry would
be more flavorful all the way through, raspberry
zinger crumbs. I think it would stand out more.
I do, too. All right, so we agree. The reigning
champ, raspberry zinger crumbs, won that one.
All right. Okay, so far the only one dethroned
is the chocolate chip cookie crumbs. Oh, this
next one. This next one I like. Bread pudding
crumbs. Yes, I went there. Yeah, with guy sour
cream and chai potato chip crumbs. I know. Guy
sour cream and chai potato chip crumbs are the
reigning champs. But bread pudding crumbs, I'm
tempted to go ahead and put that ahead. What
do you think? I got to put it ahead just because
of what it is. It's bread pudding? Okay. All
right. Then Guy's sour cream and chai potato
chips have been dethroned. That sounds fucking
awesome. And also, the pudding soaks into the
bread. So if you have breadcrumbs, yeah. All
right. All right, the next one. Sausage, salami,
and cheese calzone, which is a reigning champ,
versus spinach and cheese frittatas. I think
I'm going to have to go with calzone because
I don't think frittata is really. Yeah, I got
to give it to the champ on that one. Yeah, yeah,
the reigning champ, the calzones, because the
frittatas don't really lend to have that many
crumbs that are going to have anything mixed
in with it. So, yeah, I'm going to have to go
with that, too. All right, so nobody has dethroned
the saucy salami and cheese calzone yet. All
righty. How about nacho? It is. It is. That stuff
is good. How about nacho cheese Doritos versus
shepherd pie crumbs? I'm going to have to go
with nacho cheese Doritos. Because, oh, the reigning
champ is shepherd's pie, by the way. And the
reason I go with the nacho cheese Doritos, because
that's flavor through all the crumbs actually
have more flavor. on Doritos than the actual
product. I'm going with nacho. What are you going
with? Hang on. You want to flip a coin? Okay.
Okay. All right. Shepherd's pie. The reigning
champ is now dethroned. All right. Banana bread
versus Texas garlic toast crumbs. Banana bread
crumbs versus Texas garlic toast crumbs. Banana
bread. And banana bread is the reigning champ
on that one, so they are not getting dethroned.
All right, let's get that one off. Ooh, I like
this one. Carrot cake crumbs versus cinnamon
bun crumbs. Ooh. I know. Okay, I'm going to go
with cinnamon just because cinnamon has a stronger
flavor than carrot cake. Yeah, yeah, it would
stand out more. Yeah. All right, okay. And all
right, then the next one is, this is kind of
a weird one, but what the hell, you know? Turkey
Club Sandwich Crumbs versus Beef Barea Taco Crumbs.
I'm going to go with Beef Barea Tacos. Yeah,
tacos. Because you always get a little bit of
ground beef in there and then the little flakes
from the taco shell. Okay. All right. And then
finally. Onion ring crumbs, which are fucking
delicious, versus cheesy bacon tater tot crumbs,
which is also fucking delicious. I'm going to
go onion rings. Actually, I've always been a
big fan of onion rings. Me too. All right. I
like them both, but onion rings to me. All right.
Cool. yeah and also another thing about onion
ring crumbs is this you can get like a little
cider ranch and take all those little crumbs
and mix it in the ranch dressing and then spoon
it out and eat it oh yeah yeah so all right that's
it for the crumb olympics so we got our uh we
got our list of the ones that are won so be forewarned
there will be more coming up so all right rob
um let's take our second break we're going to
come back with something you want to talk about
Okay, we'll be right back. I'm not real sure
about it, but that's what we're going to do.
Okay, we'll be back. The most overlooked post
-apocalypse need is first aid. Have several kits
in metal canisters, one in your bunker and the
rest buried near natural markers such as odd
trees or natural clearings. Gauze, salve, ointment,
antibiotics, sutures, thread, needles, sharp
knives, and scissors should be in all of the
kits. Jamar Chase, what in the hell did you say
this time? This idea has worked out so well for
you in the past. Just go ahead, fat mouth one
of the all -time greatest quarterbacks in the
league ever. Your quote was, without Kelsey,
Mahomes is just another Kirk Cousins with a headband.
Well then, Mr. Chase, you should know Kirk Cousins
very well. You and him have the same amount of
rings. You remind us of a little lap dog nipping
at the heels of your daddy. Hey, look, I think
we found land. Oh my god, I think we're safe.
Oh no! It's the island of horrible jokes. What
do you call a factory that just makes okay products?
A Satisfactory. The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do. You don't know where
to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Wild asparagus is plentiful and easy to find.
It can be stewed with garlic and onion, which
is both wild, which can be easily found in a
very tasty post -apocalypse food. You can make
this into a delicious stew, and this will hold
you over at least for a couple of days until
you can find some other food. Topher, Mark, and
Rob would like you to know. that just because
they have a podcast does not mean their asshole
does not stink. I know them pretty well, and
their asshole does stink. So, just so you know,
their asshole stinks just like yours. Our constant
pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange
insults from an alien. Real hilarity. May, your
five -year -old neighbor have all their violin
lessons during all of your hangovers. Hey, dickhead.
No one gives an ounce of shit what you had for
breakfast. Not even the person on the other end.
You look like a mentally slow driv yelling into
thin air all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts you out and blows up your eardrums. What
men consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go the
fuck home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the theming because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Hey, if you're
a fan of paying way too much for trinkets and
food, well, your wish is coming true. Kansas
City International Airport Guest Pass program
is starting today. Yes, you too could overspend
on workless trinkets and $15 cups of coffee.
You want to buy a $50 cheap t -shirt that has
KC Western Auto Building image on it? We got
you covered. Want a barbecue sauce gift pack?
No problem. Just a mere $40 and you're first
born. Hurry, you know rubes are jumping all over
to get to this complete ripoff. Because people
are sheen. Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob.
I'm going to give you some tips for life. This
is Uncle Rob's rules to dick pics. Rule number
one, title of a pic in someone else's name. So
if you get busted, it's not yours. Rule number
two. Shoot angles complementary to your length
and girth. Rule number four. No propping of the
leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very important.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. The other day,
my vacuum became clogged. I had to open up my
vacuum and unclog it. So essentially, I was cleaning
my vacuum, which was a vacuum cleaner, but I
became the vacuum cleaner. Mind blown. Hello,
this is Satan. You might know me from my pet
name, Inflation. I'm here to tell you that there's
no better way to relax than listen to two douchebags
in a microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I
burned that day. Enjoy. Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk Is Cheap studio. Approximately five miles
from somewhere in Kansas. for now that sounds
great so rob um let's turn it over to you you
got something you want to uh speak about yeah
i do all right good because we're a podcast yes
definitely i'm gonna go into a celebrity okay
cool What? Dr. Phil, yes. Okay. Wow. Okay. But
let me dig deep into the story. Okay. Okay. While
Marriage Street is filing for bankruptcy, they
also sued Trinity Broadcasting for breach of
contract. While this is taking place, the host
is starting a project called Envoy Media. It
was pioneered a day before the filing of the
bankruptcy. Okay. What an odd story. Yeah, that's
what it sounds like to me, too. Yeah, very much
so. Yeah, how interesting. And who would have
thought he'd ever file for bankruptcy, you know?
No, I know. But the day before, he started a
new company. Okay. Hmm. Interesting stuff. Okay.
Yeah, thank you, Rob. You got something you want
to go into now? Or I've got some stuff. I just
got to dig it out. Okay. Oh, it's a long... Oh,
no, I'm not going there. It's way too long. Oh,
shit. Let me look here. Oh, hey, how about this
one? Alright. Hey, since I'm bashing on celebrities,
let's bash on another one. Hell yeah. I'm all
for that. Why not? Fuck them. Get them. Okay.
Ha ha. Part of her probation terms included staying
out of trouble, something she struggled leading
up to her probation revocation. Do you think
that might be why Rosie left the United States?
Could be. Could be. Wow. The same face? I think
so. I think so. It sounds logical. Hey, starting
a new conspiracy theory. I'm all on board. I'm
all on board. Thank you. Thank you, Rob. France's
National Postal Service, aptly named La Poste,
released a croissant -scented stamp on October
8th. France 24 reported. Can you believe that?
A croissant -scented stamp? I didn't know croissants
had that much smell, did you? No, I didn't either.
Post Office Director Anthony Richet. And on the
first day, more than 400 stamps were already
gone. The stickers can also be used for international
mail. So if you were in France, Rob, you could
buy one of these croissant -scented stamps and
send them to somebody here. Wouldn't that be
nice? Yeah. Yeah, and then when they get them,
you can call them up and go, hey, did you notice
anything different about that envelope? And they're
going to go, no. And then you're going to go
smell the stamp, and then they're going to probably
not do it because they think it's a joke. They're
going to go, no, that's okay, Rob. Thanks anyhow.
So, all right, Rob, you got anything else or
you want to shut this down? It's 910 right now.
Okay, and I got one more too. That's all right.
I'll do it either way. It doesn't matter. Okay.
Okay, thank you for letting me know that I didn't
know Okay. Well, okay. That's what I was getting
ready to say. That sounds like a dumbass thing
to me. Zimbabwean opposition lawmaker and poet
Desiree Mayo, 45, lost his life in a bizarre
accident in early morning hours of October 10th.
the BBC reported. As Moyo and four others drove
along the Bueo Guerrero Highway, they crashed
into an elephant. The other occupants of the
car were injured. One of them said the elephant
was struck on its backside, after which it turned
around and started fighting the car. It is believed
the elephant's reaction did most of the damage
and led to Moyo's demise. So there you go, death
by elephant. Yeah, that you accidentally struck.
Yeah, me too. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Moya was
probably a local hero. Hey, is that the guy that
got killed by the elephant that he hit his ass?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That elephant got mad when
it hit his ass with a car and it turned around
and crushed him to death. Oh, cool. So, I still
imagine Spicoli going out and going, look, my
dad's a TV repairman. I can fix it. Remember
that? Fast times. Yep. Alrighty. We going to
call that a day? Yeah, let's call it a day. Alrighty.
Thank you. Oh, hi, Albuquerque. Hi, Hicksville.
Hi, Grandma Opal. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Ricky. Thank
you, everybody, for listening, especially the
new ones that have jumped on because of the Crescent
episode. Thank you very much. I hope you stay
with us. Have a great evening, everybody. Good
night, asshole. What? Go ahead. No, I'm done.
Go ahead. I was just going to say, I thank everybody
that he thanks. I just let him do the talking.
There you go. It's a blanket thank you. And one
of these days we're going to get tired of doing
it. We're just going to say, hi, everybody, bye.
And that's it. But we started doing Grandma Opal
again because she was, you know, in the rehab.
Yeah, she's kind of, she's putting along. But,
you know, Jimmy's a little worried about her.
So, you know. Yeah, yes. Yep. Yeah, I agree.
So we always, we will always honor Grandma Opal
and her sweet grandson who turned her on to us,
Jimmy. Yes. Yes. So, anyhow. She still listens.
What? She still listens. Yeah. She still listens.
Still listens and so does Grandma Opal, which
just, it baffles me. I think it's fantastic that
we bring her that much fun and joy. So, Grandma
Opal, you're the best. And you too, Jimmy. All
right. Thank you, everybody. Good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.