Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
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download the show and constantly barrage everyone
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Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Hey, look.
I think we found land. Oh, my God. I think we're
safe. Oh, no. It's an island of horrible jokes.
Someone took the fifth month out of my calendar.
I'm dismayed. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
So, if I have a glass of ice water, and the ice
melts into the water, is my water then watered
down? Hmm. I may never know. I just made a belt
out of all my old watches. Wow, that's unique.
Yeah, it was a waste of time. Slash was on Eddie
Trunk's Trunk Nation the other day. Eddie asked
Slash if they planned on doing any U .S. dates
next year. Slash's reply was yes, we are doing
a U .S. tour next year as well as another album.
He said they have more than enough material for
a full album. This is great news for all the
Guns N' Roses fans, including myself. And now
we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Why, excuse me, my dear chap.
Could you please pass the sodium chloride? Do
you mean the salt? Why, yes. Yes, I do. Then
just say the salt, you dumb motherfucker. Two
douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here in
the Kansas City vicinity at the Talk is Cheap
studio, roughly a mile point two away from the
famous Jess and Jim's Steakhouse, home of the
huge ass steak on a hot plate and a baked potato
the size of your head. That we used to deal with.
Yes. I'm doing awesome. I had a great weekend.
I had a very busy weekend. And, yeah, I'm having
a good few days. How are you? Oh, I'm doing pretty
good. Not too bad at all. I mean, you know, had
a lot, a lot of stuff going on. But you know
what? I don't even want to get into it. You know,
we had to put down an old cat today. But I mean,
they're just, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, family
members, you know, close friends, sick. It's
been kind of a trying time. But you know what?
That's why we're here right now. We're going
to have a little fun on this podcast like we
always try to do. And try to, you know, make
everybody smile a little bit. And hopefully,
you know, everyone has a little grin when they're
listening to us and enjoys themselves. So, you
know, there's a lot of stuff going on in life
that's negative. And we're here to try to counteract
that. Would you say that, Rob? Oh, definitely.
Yep. Because we need that in our lives. Yes,
we do. Try to give it to everybody else. Yeah,
yep. And to me, that's one of the best gifts.
that you can ever give someone is the reason
to laugh, the reason to love life, enjoy yourself,
not take everything so seriously. You know, I
hear people, I've had a lot of people go, well,
what are you going to do with your podcast? Paranormal?
Are you going to go into politics? I'm like,
fuck no. No. I'm going to have a little fun with
this fucking thing, and I know you and I spoke
about it plenty of times, even before you joined
the podcast. We spoke about this, right? And
we decided that this is for fun. We don't want
to talk about... Politics, we don't want to talk
about the hurricane getting ready to fucking
destroy Jamaica. We don't want to talk about
any of that. What we want to do is we want to
bring up silly stories, have a little banter,
and have a little fun. And that's what this podcast
is about. And that's how come our name is Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, not Point Counterpoint
or Analyzing the Government or, oh no, Spooky
Ghosts, you know. Nothing like that. We're two
douchebags, a microphone, and welcome. We welcome
you to come on in. Our listenership is great,
and we love you guys, and we hope. And, you know,
if our show makes you just a little bit happier
in a day, please write us, right? Don't you want
to hear that, Rob? Yeah. Yes, yes. What is it
now? I'm having a shirt sprap. What? Douchebags
.com? Oh, oh. Okay, it's twodouchesatmail .com.
Yeah, yeah. I'm having a shirt problem. I don't
have it in my brain yet. You know, this all started...
We've only had like eight emails. I know. This
all started when Topher and I used to joke around.
We didn't have an email at all. And we used to
go, yeah, twodouchesatexcite .com, twodouchesatmindspring
.com. We just made this shit up. But these are
real emails. This is a real one, yeah. But then
we had the website, which nobody went to. So
we're like, all right, screw that. Why pay all
that money if nobody's going to it? Okay, so
nobody went to that website. So we're like, you
know what, we had to take that email away. Then
we had another one that was too complicated.
People couldn't get it right. People are always,
you know, when they did get through, go, I tried
seven times. So it's like, all right, then how
about this? Two douches at mail .com. That's
pretty simple, and I think most people can get
it first try. So, all right, I'm going to go
into this. I recorded the sports show from the
Basin Park in downtown Eureka Springs. I was
interrupted by two ghost tours, right? And did
you hear the sports show yet, Rob, or not? No,
I have not heard the sports show. Okay, well,
number one, Mystery Guy couldn't make it. He
wasn't in Eureka Springs, so I had to do one
on the spot. So one of these, I was at the Basin
Park recording this. And one was a female I'd
never seen before. And the second was my old
friend that I torture with the booze because
the booze that I deliver on the balcony every
time he said the word ghost. You know, I've spoken
that several times, right? The tour starts at
the Basin Park. It goes up to the hotel, which
is right across from the balcony that I usually
sit at when we're in Eureka Springs at the Flatiron
Flats. And I can hear him as plain as day speaking
about the ghost tour. And every time he said
I would be up there, and every time he would
say the word ghost, I go, boo! and it would he
was just so irritated with me because people
start not paying attention to him looking up
looking around you know all that stuff so here
here he is and here i am recording a podcast
right so the lady come up there i had to pause
it because she was really loud she had a uh i
believe a police uh um megaphone and you couldn't
really hear over it so i paused it and then he
came up and so um I decided, well, I better pause
it again because I was thinking like, you know,
he was going to like give me some shit or nothing.
But anyhow, I, you know, I thought he was going
to like something because I give him so much
shit. I thought he was going to do something,
but he didn't do his credit. Yeah. I didn't recognize
him at first. He dyed his hair, I think. But
it took me a minute and I figured it out. And
I don't think he recognized me at all, and I
think that's one reason he didn't say something
or flip me off or something, because this guy's
pretty mad at me, because I interrupted so many
of his ghost tours just screwing around doing
that, right? So he goes on for around 10 minutes,
right? And then he paused for questions right
after. No one had a question, so I was sitting
there on the bench with my headphones on. I jump
up, I took my headphones off, and I asked if
the ghosts wore underwear underneath the sheet.
everybody yes everybody cracked up laughing he
was so pissed he started to hiccup he was like
and i'm like oh fuck and his face is red so i
thought he's gonna stroke out and i'm like oh
shit i got him flustered this guy's gonna drop
dead i'm gonna be charged because i was fucking
with him and he stroked out okay so i'm like
oh shit so he is flustered So everyone had a
good chuckle when I asked that. So then I got
even more bold and said we needed to start an
undergarment for Ghost Drive. Well, Rob, I overstayed
my welcome. No one laughed. And it got a little
uncomfortable. So I'm sitting there going, hmm.
I'm like, oh, okay. I took it too far. If I would
have just left it as, do they wear underwear?
Everyone laughed. He goes on. He's a little flustered.
He's hiccuping and pissed. Okay, all right. But
everything goes on. So I said that, you know,
we needed to start an undergarment drive for
the ghosts. And nobody thought it was funny.
Nobody thought it was cool. Everyone just stood
there looking at me. And I was very uncomfortable.
So I look over next to everybody. And there's
the coffee house that's right underneath us at
the Flatiron Flats. I ran in real quick. I bought
the guide at Cappuccino. I walked up to him,
gave it to him. He looked at me funny, and I
think he thought it was going to be another joke
or something, right? And he finally took the
cappuccino, and it was getting pretty chilly,
so he really did appreciate it. He said, thank
you, so I guess he doesn't hate me anymore. That
is until the next time I'm there and I start
yelling ghosts again. Then he will hate me. Yeah,
but isn't that a great question? Do ghosts wear
underwear? Yeah. That's not so bad, is it? I
want to know. Do they wear underwear? Do they
free ball? I want to know this shit. You know,
like, if I throw flower up, like I said I was
doing at the Crescent episode, right, to catch
ghosts, I mean, am I going to, like, see them
naked? Is that it? Or, you know. Well, if you
think about it, any TV show or any movie we've
seen about ghosts, they have clothes on. Yeah.
Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is. No, no, no.
I think it's a legitimate question, although
I meant it just to piss the guy off and it worked.
But, you know, it is a legitimate question, though.
But it was funny because the guy started hiccuping.
I'm like going, fuck. Yeah, yeah, he knew you
had it. Oh, he was mad. I mean, I guess he kind
of, I don't know, maybe it's like a Tourette's
thing kind of or something. When you get mad,
you're like, and his face turned around. I'm
like, oh, fuck, man. Didn't mean to do that.
Well, I gave him the cappuccino. He was happy.
Everyone else looked to me like a kind guy that
just gave him a cappuccino instead of the asshole
that interrupted the whole thing. And I left.
I went back to the bench. And they left and I
started recording the podcast again. And I didn't
say anything about it either. I just like went
on. Okay, everything's over. So I was talking
about the commanders, you know, and I just went
on from there. It's pretty funny. If anyone would
have seen what actually happened in between those
10 minutes, they would have been rolling. But
anyhow, and then the guide, I got like a free
tour from that lady. There was so much stuff
I found out. I mean, it was really good about
the town and why. You know, they always have
these EMF, I believe is what they call them,
the ghost hunting machines, right, that measure
spirits and all that, and the infrared and ultraviolet
and all that stuff, right? Well, the reason,
just the Crescent isn't the biggest reason why
they say Eureka Springs is haunted. That isn't
the biggest reason. The biggest reason is the
magnetic springs there. It is that shell rock
and magnesium in the water, they create a chemical
reaction to make the springs magnetic. And the
top paranormalists think that the magnetic springs
conduct spirits. And that's why, because there's
thousands of springs in that one area. Just in
that one area, there's springs everywhere, and
they're all magnetic because of the shell rock
and the magnesium in the water. I have heard
that theory. Yeah, and that is the biggest reason
why they say the place is haunted. Not because
of the Crescent. I was wrong this whole time.
Well, the Crescent doesn't hurt anything. They've
had their own history. Yeah, they've had a lot
of history. Look it up if you don't get a chance.
Look up the Crescent Hotel and look up the history
and you will see a lot of crazy things that happened
there. I don't know, maybe, I think it's Wednesday.
Yeah, it's Wednesday. We found out where the
tornado sirens in Eureka Springs are. they're
all on the ridge but you can hear them pretty
well downtown because i always wondered that
you know they have quite a they have quite a
bit of bad weather as a matter of fact we missed
a hell of a storm that shut all the power down
again to the whole town a week before we got
there last time you know we got there and the
power was off except for our side where we went
we didn't go to flat iron flats for some reason
we decided to go somewhere else so we still have
power but about a week ago probably two weeks
now something like that but They had a big storm
come through, and it shut out all the power.
So they get bad storms. So I found out they test
them at high noon every Wednesday. KC tests their
tornado sirens every Wednesday at 11 a .m. So
I started talking to Val about what our parents
did about tornadoes when we were growing up.
And Val said her dad didn't do anything. He just
looked out the door or window, right? Well, I
remembered that my parents used to make me and
me only, because I was the youngest one, go to
the basement. right and you know this scared
the shit out of me you know everyone's like oh
shit this big bad tornado is gonna come kill
us all you know and then they throw me in a in
a basement that's pitch black right and i'm like
fuck this so i used to scream out you guys if
you guys you guys need to get down here with
me if you don't if the tornado hits i'm gonna
be a fucking orphan and They just go, shut up,
and shut the door again. I go, you guys are unreal.
You all are going to die, and I'm going to live,
and I'm going to starve to death because you
guys aren't here. Thanks a lot. No, I know. And
that used to piss me off. Go ahead. I'm sorry.
Well, I always contested this. I was like, hang
on. Okay. I understand. I understand. I'm the
youngest one and I'm the legacy. Okay. But I
have a brother and a sister and you guys. And
you guys are all just going to get flattened
by the tornado. And I'm going to have to sit
here and fend for myself with bricks on my ass
and nose and face. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, hey,
at least let me do me the soul to let me die
with all you guys. Or you all come down here
and live with me. Yeah. But don't make me a fucking
orphan down here in this basement. Three days
later, they dig me out. Yes. Like, this is bullshit.
I'm going to live. It's going to take three days
to dig me out. I'm going to be frail. I'm going
to have every bone broken in my body and no family.
Thanks a lot, guys. Thanks a lot. So, but then,
you know, later on when we got older and we were
teenagers, then we were, they didn't like us
doing it, but they couldn't really stop us, you
know. But we'd jump on the roof and look for
them. You did too. You know, it was the dumbest
thing in the world you could do. Not necessarily
because of... That was a dumb thing, too. I remember
there was one in... This was younger, I think,
before I met you, but I don't know. I'm not sure
how old I was. But there was one in Lewisburg,
really close to Cleveland. It was headed right
for Cleveland. So I forgot whose car it was,
but anyhow, they're like, hey, let's go look
for it. So we run out the state line, okay, and
we kind of see some wall clouds and it looks
like things are twisting around, right? Then
the car dies. And we're all looking at each other
going, what do we do now? We're out in the middle
of nowhere, and it looks like there's this fucking
huge storm, at least large hail, if not a tornado,
is coming right at us. So we did the only smart
thing is we ran like fuck and made it back to
town. We ran a mile. Do what? Uh -huh. Uh -huh.
Uh -huh. Oops. And I said, hey, Dad. He goes,
what? I said, look. He goes, what? I said, look
over your other shoulder. Quit watching this
one. Look at the other one. And we hit that next
gravel. Like I said, we're doing that 81 Trans
Am. We hit that next gravel road, and we were
out of there. That one looked like it was heading
right towards us. Well, if it doesn't look like
it's moving. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.
The Tornado Alley seems to have shifted a bit.
Oh, gosh. Cass and Bates County used to get a
big lion's share of them. They used to get them
all the time. And luckily for us, Tornado Alley
seems to have shifted to the east a little bit.
We still get tornadoes, but, number one, we rarely
get those EF5s, those huge ones, or even 4s or
3s. Usually, whenever we get one anymore, it's
a 1. And, I mean, rarely are they a 2. And we
want to keep it like that. We don't want the
big, huge ones. And the little ones that kind
of dart down and go back up. And we're hoping
that weather pattern stays the same, where we
don't have as many. And we certainly don't have
the big supercell ones and all that. So anyhow,
we got off on everything again. So I'm going
to try to head this back the other way. Eureka
Springs was packed full of people because they
have the world's largest zombie crawl. You can
look it up on Facebook, dude. The entire downtown
was packed with zombies. But here's the deal.
um they came up with the there was a lot of unique
makeups and outfits i mean we couldn't stay for
it because i booked it too late i didn't know
about the crawl when i booked it i was i booked
it because my birthday and the fall colors right
well um then we start seeing all these people
come in about wednesday and certainly thursday
and then definitely friday so And then people
are going, are you in town for the zombie crawl?
No, what zombie crawl? And so then we find out
that it's the world's largest zombie crawl. And
you remember how Kansas City looked during the
Super Bowl parade where all you see is this red
all over downtown? This is what the zombie crawl
looked like in Eureka Springs. All of downtown
was full of zombies marching up Spring Street,
from Main Street to Spring Street. So all these
people are in town, so we wanted to do this,
right? So I go to the people that rent out the
place that we stay at. I'm like, hey, can I add
a night? Not on your life. it doesn't matter
if you have a million dollars right now you're
not getting a room i'm like what he goes yeah
this is the world's largest zombie crawl anywhere
and people come from all over the world to observe
this or be in it i'm like wow so we're staying
at a balcony that overlooks where the parade
route so we couldn't get that again though i
i um i had the new orleans hotel who um the They
have the same owners as the Flatiron Flats where
we stay. I talk to them, hey, you got any rooms
here? Because they have a balcony there too.
Nope. And then they're like, you're not going
to find any. So I'm like, all right. So I go,
hey, how about next year? Nope, we're already
booked. Fuck. So it's like, it's sold out like
two years in advance. Every room in that whole
town is sold out. It's the last weekend, the
last Saturday. of october every year and they
are always sold out they're sold out two years
in advance and i'm like wow and then not only
that but the rooms are astronomical let's say
they're normally 150 they're like 400 i mean
because they're so far in demand but i had no
as many years i've been going there i had no
idea they had did you know that about them they
had that huge zombie crawl rob Rob, you there?
Yeah, I'm here. Okay, what happened? You all
right? Everything good? Yeah, everything's good.
Okay. No, no, actually, I was listening to you.
I had muted just for making that call. I forgot
to unmute. Okay. No, I have never heard of that,
but it sounds very interesting. Oh, no, I want
to, I definitely, we'll make it there sometime,
so. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I want to see it. I just
want to observe it one time, and I want to get
a balcony room so we can just sit there and watch.
And I don't want to go down there for Mardi Gras
because Mardi Gras, number one, the weather's
shitty down there during that time because they
get a lot of... I guess they don't get so much
ice anymore is what they're saying, but they
used to get quite a bit of ice. And they also
get bad storms, too, because that's closer to
their spring, the end of February, than us. Our
spring's a little bit later on. They are more
prone to ice storms down there. Yeah, and I don't
want to be there on those hills with any type
of ice at all. So I don't go down there for Mardi
Gras. But I want to go down there for the zombie
crawl, but we'll see if it ever happens. So I
was watching Sunday Night Football, right? And
the Steelers had these ugly -ass jerseys. They're
grayish pants and just this horrible, ugly, yellow
jersey with the ugly gray pants. I know, right?
Yeah, you saw it. I was on the road all weekend.
And I'll explain more later about that. But,
yeah, I caught part of the game. That was one
of the ugliest jerseys I think I have ever seen.
They look like high school jerseys. Yeah, yeah.
So I come up with a conclusion, Rob. If they
wear those ugly ass jerseys, they should have
to forfeit the game. What do you think? Yeah,
definitely. So, finally, my mom's birthday is
tomorrow. So, we threw her a surprise. I will
tell her it's her 85th. God bless her. She's
hanging in there. Yeah. So, Val and I invited
some family over because it was my birthday Saturday.
She didn't catch it. She thought it was for my
birthday, right? So, we got her pretty good on
that one. um all on all this family to come over
but they did and it was great you know we got
as many of us as her grandkids together as we
could and um and we have my brother's widow there
who she hasn't seen her in quite a while yeah
you know diane and uh yeah so um it was great
uh so it surprised mom and she had a great time
and which is fantastic so That was fun. So then
we met family at Anthony's. My two wonderful
bonus daughters and their families got me a neon
Aussie sign for me. Oh, dude. I'm flattered that
they bothered to figure out such a perfect gift,
Rob. I was just floored when they said, we think
you're going to really like your gift. I'm like,
all right, okay, probably a massage or something.
Sounds great. You know, all that, right? But
then... Okay. Somebody of mine wants to make
me. Okay. I'll tell you about it after the show.
Okay. All right. Sounds good. So I looked at
him like, oh, my God, that is a perfect freaking
gift. You know, I struck gold with those two.
You know, them and their husband and kids are
just excellent people. And I struck gold marrying
into that family. I can tell you that right now.
They are wonderful people, and I was just flattened
because they thought that much and put that much
thought into a gift of mine to nail it that perfectly.
I have more, but we have a Jeffy X coming up,
hopefully. We have an email, so we probably better
get to booking on this thing, right? Yeah. Yeah,
probably better. All right, Rob, go ahead. Okay,
my personal is kind of out of this world. Okay.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Wow. Okay. Wow. Okay. Wow.
Okay. Wow. Yeah. It doesn't sound like it. I
mean, of course, we don't know everything of
what the government is doing military -wise.
They're not going to let us in on it, right?
So it could be something like that, but I don't
know. You know, that sounds highly suspicious
to me. What about you? Yes, that is extraterrestrial,
and they're looking for someone to grab because
there's people out there everywhere, right? Out
there in the sticks. They'll never catch them.
They're like, hey, get this guy. Yes, yeah, we'll
leave it right there. Okay, we are pulling away
from the table. We're wiping our mouth off with
a bib. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're pulling away from
the table. We're wiping our mouth off with a
bib, and we will see you right after the break.
Yes, and we will have some emails when we come
back. All right, we'll be right back. Two douchebags
and a microphone invade your ear holes in...
Hey! Who took a dump in the cooler? Now it's
time for Pickup Lines from a Loser. There's something
wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number
in it. Next up, Things Overheard in Hell. Gary
Glitter has been named the lead singer in the
boys' choir of hell. Everybody knows Mark is
a fucking idiot. But Mark would like to take
this moment to remind you. You're listening to
this fucking idiot. Hey there, fuckstick. You're
just in time for brand new feature news nobody
gives a shit about. Punxsutawney Phil's babies
are named Shadow and Sunny. Your mama's so fat.
When she was floating in the ocean, Spain claimed
her as their new territory. Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. Bumblebees have been
proven to sing to their young. Have you ever
wondered what something is about? Have you ever
looked at something and said, I wonder what the
origin of that is? Well, so have we. That's why
we give you The Origin Of. This is The Origin
of Ketchup and Katsup. There's no actual difference
between ketchup and catsup. There are both two
different spellings for the same tomato -based
condiment. The term ketchup is more commonly
and widely accepted, while catsup is still used
in some regions, particularly in the south and
midwest of the United States. Most spellings
are correct and refer to the same sweet -sour
condiment typically made with tomatoes, mangoes,
sugar, and spices. The word ketchup likely originated
from the Chinese term ki -ti -ya -sep. A fermented
fish sauce. Over time, variations like ketchup,
spelled both ways, emerged as the condiment was
adapted with Western ingredients, including tomatoes.
The regular Joe Cube public may believe anything
he hears and sees, but not here at Two Douchebags
Microphone. Here at Two Douchebags Microphone,
we question everything. That's why we have a
little segment we'd like to call, I Call Bullshit.
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. So let me make
sure I have this correct. All the waiting for
Epstein client list. All the promises of justice.
All the huge names that were all over his private
island. Suddenly, there's no client list. It's
a well -known fact that Epstein kept a list of
clients. So Ghislaine Maxwell is rotting in prison
and has no memory of any of her visitors when
she was one of the hosts? You mean to tell me
she cannot spit out a few names? They barter
with every other criminal. Why not her? I'll
tell you why. Because power protects power. That's
why. This bullshit dog and pony show will only
go so far. Promises and convictions turn to dust.
I'll even go one step further. Jeffrey Epstein
is still alive. His death was faked. His friends
made sure of this. The next time you think justice
will be served will be a cold day in hell. Or
just wait until his perverts do kick off. Then
ask them the temperature in hell. Two douchebags
and a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas
City area at this Talk is Cheap studio. I think
the goat stoned. What do you think? He's had
a long day or so. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well,
let's get to some emails, Rob. Does that sound
all right? Yeah, let's please do. Okay. First
off, the Crescent episode was cool, but I really
expected more paranormal talk and sounds, maybe.
Ron in Huntsville, probably Alabama, I guess.
Okay. Yeah, I don't have the equipment to go
around and look for goats. Yeah, you and I should
have got together and we should have talked about
more of what we were going to talk about. We
should have, but it was impromptu. It was like,
I was going to do it from the flat iron balcony
like I always do. And I was like, hell no, let's
just go up to, I called up to the Crescent. And
I didn't figure it'd be a problem because they
have podcasts all over there and they have paranormal
people all over there constantly. So I figured
it wouldn't be a big deal. So I called down there
and the lady's like, nah, no problem. So he said,
just don't be, you know, don't be profane because
we have a lot of children here and we have families
here. And I was like, sure, no problem. As he
said, I could do it. Yeah, and that's it. Other
than that, yeah. Yeah, it was. I mean, if we
were more, and also we're not a paranormal show
either. No, we could be if we really wanted to.
Yeah, so Ron, I appreciate what you're saying,
but I didn't mean, me and Rob didn't mean to
make it sound like it was going to be exploring
the paranormal. We were just doing it from there.
We were doing our show, he just happened to be
there. Yeah, and actually I was hoping to do
this. I was hoping we would capture some sounds
recording. I'm still yet to hear them. Even if
you could come back and say you've seen some
weird things in the... I always do there. I've
explained... You know what I mean? Yeah, I've
explained so many of them. I always have. I mean,
yeah. Yeah, so... Okay, well, you know, man,
maybe one of these days we'll do a paranormal
episode or something. But right now, this is
what you're getting because, yeah. I mean, all
the stuff that happened to me at the Crescent
and other people I know, I could probably write
a book. I could tell you that. But I told you
guys the high spots. Rob knows the high spots.
So, you know, yeah. All right. Mark, now that
Coke is reintroduced in a new cane sugar version,
will you start purchasing it regularly again?
Terrence in Grand Junction, probably Colorado.
Yeah, yeah. I mean. I, you know, I'm a, I don't
drink so much soda anymore. You know, I have
GERD and I really can't. So, but I, you know,
whenever I do have a soda, I'm pretty certain
I'll probably have to go with, with that, with
a real sugar Coke because that is my favorite
drink. So yeah. All right. Next one. You said
you were calling bullshit on the federal government.
Are you still planning that? If so, I have a
subject that you really need to cover. Please
email me, and I will produce the details. Sarge
in Omaha. And I did email Sarge, and I love that
idea, and I'm not going to give it away right
now. So thank you, Sarge. I'll talk to you about
it later, Rob. Yeah, get with me on that. Yeah,
I'd forgotten about it when we were talking ahead
of time. So I'll tell you later. All right. Mark.
Where do you and your wife stay in Eureka Springs?
I keep forgetting the name. I said it about ten
times. Flatiron Flats. Suites. Flatiron Flats
Suites. It's downtown Eureka Springs, right across
from the Basin Park Hotel. Go out on the balcony.
Usually you can see some guy fucking not knowing
that you're sitting right there. And it's pretty
interesting when they realize you're just sitting
there looking at them. So, all right. Rob. What?
would be your favorite rock poster of all time.
I might have a couple of yours, or maybe they
were accidentally burned. Mitch in South Central
Cass County, Skunkweed Division. Rob. Oh, Mitch.
I've been waiting to talk to you, buddy. Yes,
Mitch. We're glad you went ahead and mouthed
off. Rob, please go ahead. Mitch. How you like
that, Mitch? Literally. Literally. He pissed
on your car. Well, hey, Mitch, if you look on
Facebook, I posted the Montrose exit signs. That
was after I left Harrisville. We spent like three
hours at Freight Fair. There you go, Mitch. When
I read this email, I was like, great. He's afraid
to for some reason, dude. He's just playing cat
and mouse. And he won't let loose with who he
is. So, whatever. I think we... I don't... I
don't think they know me. I think they know you.
They have never said anything about me so personal
like they have you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't
like you, but they know personal shit about me.
Yeah, or either that or they know me and don't
like me. That could be two. I don't know. I was
on DD yesterday. There you go, Mitch. And he
also took a dump on your car. Go out there. You'll
see it. Right in the middle of your old AMC Pacer.
Right in the middle. Right, Rob? Did you leave
a dent? Good. Good. All right, Mitch. There you
go, Mitch. Have fun cleaning that up. There you
go, Mitch, because there is not one in Freeman.
All right. Hey, douches, you never talk about
Triumph ever. That was such an underrated rock
band from Canada. Tony in Waterfront Bay. I have
no idea where that's at. We love Triumph. And
I don't think he caught the episodes. He didn't
catch the episodes at all. because we've talked
about Triumph before and our love for them. They're
kind of like April Wine, where we think... Yeah,
Triumph and April Wine are our two favorite...
Underrated bands. Underrated bands. Yeah. So,
no, we're in your corner. Tony and Waterfront
Bay. Yeah. Yeah, so... Do you know where Waterfront
Bay is? I don't. I've never heard of it before.
I've never heard of it either. Okay. All right.
Thank you, Tony. All right. Rob, do you wear
cowboy boot Crocs? I bet you do. Willie and Montrose.
And that's the final one. I think you pissed
him off, Rob. Montrose. Willie, check out the
Facebook page. I took the 52 action pictures
of 52 exercises. Rob, I got that email this morning,
so I think he probably saw it and responded.
I think that's why he said that. I like to keep
my footing. When it's raining, crocs get slick.
You fall, you get hurt. There's a lot of lawsuits
that go that way just because you're wearing
goddamn crocs. Yep. The only time you should
be wearing crocs is if you're in jail. Yep, I
agree. That's my opinion. Nope, nope, I agree
too. Alright. Okay, Rob, that is the end of that,
so please go ahead with something. Okay, I will.
Guess what time it is. Rob's bag of garbage.
Our favorite segment. That's my favorite segment
now. While driving a rented BMW, Broderick mistakenly
veered onto the wrong side of the road and glided
head -on with another car while he was in Northern
Ireland. Different side of the road, blah, blah,
blah. Okay. The incident sparked outrage when
he was later fined just 175 American dollars
for careless driving. Despite facing an initial
charge of dangerous driving, they carried a possible
prison sentence. Okay. Wow. Okay. I remember
that. I do too, actually. I do too. Wow. Alright.
You got more garbage? Yes, I got one more. Alrighty.
Alright. Okay. Okay. Okay. No. No. Wow. Yeah.
Yeah. That's what you get, dude. That's what
you get. It kind of reminds me of, but not as
egregious. Well, it depends on how you look at
it. But back in 1993, there were all the horrible
floods, remember? All over Missouri, pretty much?
Okay. Oh, yeah. Me and Chris has been talking
about that. Okay. Okay, yeah. It was horrible.
I mean, everything was flooded. Yes. Yes. Yeah.
She watched it. There was a guy in central Missouri
over near Columbia that he tore up part of the
levee so the road would flood so he could stay
on the other side of the road with his mistress
and he got caught. Right. And he went to prison
and he doesn't have a wife or a mistress after
that. So, yeah, it's crazy what people will go
to. You know, this guy's just staying away from
his wife, but this other guy, he is more nefarious.
He is wanting to stay with his mistress. So he's
like, great, I'll just cut into that levee, flood
the road, and then I'll just call my wife and
go, hey, I can't get there. It's flooded. Nah,
got busted. Do you remember that at all, that
story at all or not? Yeah, I vaguely remember
that. Yeah, look it up if you're wondering about
it. It's a really crazy story that someone would
go that length. To stay with her girlfriend.
So, and not be at home with her wife. So, all
right. Well, I've got this story here. And then
Jeffy X has a little bit of a deal here that
he's going to go into for us. Cool. Yeah, so.
All right. Stephen Markham of Stanton, Kentucky
is in hot water for his choice of Halloween decorations.
Lex18TV reported, that they found five bodies
in trash bags with labels on them. The labels
were District Judge, Mayor, SIS, which is an
intergovernment working local, and CA. and zoning
manager markham has reportedly had an ongoing
dispute with the city over failing to hook up
legal water sewer and electrical services the
threatening decorations were erected sometime
after a september 30th court hearing about those
violations markham was charged with intimidating
a witness in the legal process and third degree
terroristic threatening interesting story right
Well, Jeffy X, he found us a list of Halloween
decorations that failed. Isn't that great? Jeffy
X is so selfless. So he risked his life to find
us this stuff. So we thank you, Jeffy X, for
this list. And like I said, he was, you know,
he risked his life to find the, you know, he
goes in and he gets this information that the
corporations are trying to throw away because
they don't want you to know about it. So, Jeffy
X is so good at doing this sleuth stuff that
he has to stay on the run and he has to wear
costumes and all this and everything. So, to
reward him, Rob is quite the crocheter, aren't
you? Yes, sir. an expert crocheter. He is one
of the best in the world. He has been timed as
one of the fastest crocheters ever in the world.
So what he did was, he loves Jeffy X and what
he does for us so much that he made him, he crocheted
him a pair of Jeffy X underwear, an X on the
front of it, Jeffy on the back, with a special
Steven Piercy pouch of the old Glam Band Rat.
He supposedly used to have a pouch sewn into
the front of his spandex on the inside. So he
could stuff socks down there and, you know, and
look a little bit more appealing to maybe, you
know, women and maybe some gay males or whatever,
right? Okay. So Rob did that for him. And then
you made him a flying bat suit and a Sgt. Pepper's
outfit because Jeffy X is the biggest Beatle
fan ever. The problem is, is Jeffy X refused
to take it off. And it's black now and it stinks.
But never fear, Rob crocheted him seven more,
one for each day of the week. So all he's got
to do is come get it. And me, I'm a simple man.
I gave him $2 ,500 to either spend on hookers
and blow or maybe get something for his mom.
I didn't ask him which one he did, don't care.
So anyhow, we will go ahead and go to this here.
Jeffy X found this Halloween decorations that
failed. The first one that failed was Alvin and
the Chipmunks Hanging from a Tree. Can you believe
that failed, Rob? No. No way. I know. Alvin and
the Chipmunks Hanging from a Tree. That's great
Halloween decorations. I don't get what the problem
is with that. I know. What is wrong? They're
too uptight. Nothing says Christmas more than
Alvin and the Chipmunks hanging from a tree.
Or I mean Halloween, not Christmas, Halloween.
So, all right, the next one is... Either one,
that's right. So the next one is a graveyard
of half -eaten Oreos. I think that's scary. Don't
you think so, Rob? Yeah, because I don't know
if I want to meet that person. I know. Yeah,
that's not right. Oh, I know. This next one's
quite scary. A Joel Osteen life -size cutout.
I know. What better for Halloween? What better
for Halloween? What is wrong with these people,
Rob? I don't know. I would love to have one.
I would put it in the front yard right now when
people, little kids would be screaming, running
off. You know, it'd be great, right? Yeah. Yeah.
It's scarier. It's very scary. Oh, sorry. We
don't go into religion. Oh, wait a minute. That's
right. That's right. I'm not. This is all tongue
-in -cheek. I know. I have no problems with Joel
Osteen. All right. The next one is a dancing
animatronic Justin Bieber. That's scary. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, man. Man, I would be
running. I'd be running and fucking screaming
and crying. That would scare my grandkids. Oh,
gosh. That would scare anything. An animatronic
Justin Bieber, you imagine? That would scare
my 21 -year -old son. See? Yeah, yeah. That's
such a great Halloween decoration. Okay, whatever.
All right. The next one is a giant inflatable
puppy dog. Can you believe that? No? No. All
right. All right, the next one that failed. An
eyeball out or something, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I
get it. So, okay, so maybe... Okay, so the focus
panel hit that one correct, would you say? Okay.
Yeah, it is. The next one is a hologram Santa.
Oh, man, nothing spells Halloween more than a
hologram Santa. Come on, guys. I'm just sitting
here doing the V. I've actually seen people do
that before. I have, too. I've seen bloody Santas.
I'm just like, oh, that's great. So the hologram
Santa did not go over, and I think that's ridiculous.
Anyhow, decorative fruit baskets, they failed
for Halloween decorations. Can you believe that?
Okay, yeah. Oh, okay. So maybe they hit that
one right, too. My personal opinion. Okay, all
right. You can have your own opinion. We'll go
ahead and let that one go. All right. The next
one that failed the focus panels for new Halloween
decorations is a Christmas carolers with pitchforks.
I think that's great. For real. For real. Yeah,
Christmas carols. Carolers. I can't even say
it. Yeah, with pitchforks. Yeah. That's freaking
fantastic. These people are nuts. The next one
I agree with because I always thought they were
quite scary. The Monkees Band. A poster of them.
A giant poster. Yeah, they're scary. They're
scary. Davy Jones and Company. They're scary.
Yep. And then finally, the last one that failed
was a Taylor Swift garden gnome. That's scary.
I don't know, man. You know, you got this...
Oh, no, everybody's on her bad wagon there. Yeah,
you're right, you're right. She's the most beautiful
thing in the world. Yeah, not Tay -Tay. Tay -Tay's
gorgeous. Okay, whatever. All right, that is
the end of that, so let's take our second break.
We're going to come back with some of your stuff,
Rob. All right, sounds good. See how good Rob
is? I put him on the spot, and he's just like,
okay, we'll fucking do it, whatever. All right.
We'll be right back. So you want proof that we
love you here at QD Spades and Microfilm Central?
Here's a proof right here about the drink of
the week. Hey there, you little snack cakes.
This is Norwegian's best drinks. Norwegian Cruise
Lime has long been known as one of the best drink
makers on the high seas, if not the best. In
this drink, it's no different. It's one of the
most popular and it's really good. A smoked peach
margarita. It involves one ounce. of 1800 sober
tequila, one half ounce of mezcal, a quarter
ounce of triple sec, half ounce of organic agave,
half ounce of peach puree, and one half ounces
of fresh wine juice. Garnish with hibiscus salt
on the rim and dried blood orange slices on the
rim. Add all ingredients and shake. And don't
be bashful. Shake like nuts. And then print in
a glass with crushed ice and enjoy. When you
buy and eat half a chicken, you are secretly
sharing a meal with a stranger. Two douchebags
and a microphone, says. You ever dream about
eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon
in your ass? Just asking. Hey, my fellow heavy
breeders, this is Dash Riptide, your music news.
Rob Halford, the legendary singer of Judas Priest.
now has his very own action figure on sale. This
is from McFarlane Toys. It sells for $34 .99,
and even Halford's action figure is taller than
Udo Dirk -Snyder. This is Gash Rooktine, and
that was your music news. If it's too loud, you
probably have ear damage, just like me. i think
we found land oh my god i think we're safe oh
no it's the island of horrible jokes singing
in the shower is fun until you get soap in your
mouth then it's a soap opera you watch the news
it looks grim is it apocalypse inevitable We
suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have a
host of podcasts. Make sure and have plenty of
rope. Strong, threaded, durable rope with a rating
of 400 pounds or greater. You need to know basic
knots, so you can go to the library and download
the Boy Scouts handbook and have a reference
to slip knots and other essential rope tricks.
Rope can be used in traps to catch food or would
-be predators. Rope is a key ingredient in post
-apocalypse survival. Ms. Gulkenstein was tired
of Mark and Toe for making sport of her. Little
did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein was a
voodoo high priestess when she was younger. She
grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob, the capuchin monkey, tries to sell
the rest of the capuchin monkeys Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a diamond status Amway.
As a capuchin monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Knob Lake is
an unincorporated community in southern St. Francis
County, Missouri, United States. It is located
on Missouri Route DD, just east of U .S. Route
67. approximately 8 miles south of Farmington,
Missouri. Knob Lick has a post office with the
zip code 63651, which has been in operation since
1870. The community takes its name from nearby
Knob Lick Mountain. In the Ozarks, Knob typically
refers to an isolated summit, and Wick is a natural
salt lick or salt spring. The mountain runs across
U .S. 67. Approximately 80 acres of the summit
are protected by the Missouri Department of Conservation.
A gravel road leads to the conservation area,
which includes a granite glade, picnic facilities,
and a closed fire lookout tower. 147 was the
population reported in 2020. And a microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. Not very much longer and
he will not be there. Not much longer at all.
Not much longer you're going to hear a... While
we're doing this podcast. Okay. Cool. I think
I'm going to do some soundproofing in this room,
too, just so I can get a little better acoustics.
No, I don't know soundproofing. Oh, no, I'm just
saying me. Okay, yeah. Disclose it once you do
that, yes. All right, Rob. Oh, okay, sorry. Of
course. All right, Rob, we turn this to you.
Okay, well, I'm going to step on the sports bastards.
Uh -oh. All right, go ahead. I hope this is something
you guys have not chosen to talk about. Actually,
right now, the sports bastards is on hiatus right
now. All right. Yeah, yeah, and we have the mystery
sports guy, and whenever he's not available,
it's me. Oh, by the way, the new guy, he is pissed
off at us, and he didn't show up. So we're probably
going to have to find a new new guy. So anyhow,
Rob, go ahead. Go ahead. You're not going to
step on our toes, Rob. We're not doing anything
right now. Okay, okay. Well, I'm going in the
sports world. Okay. Yep. Okay, the cameras caught
him again. Aaron Rodgers and his trusty smelling
salts became an absolute love story nobody asked
for. Okay. Sunday Night Football gives the Green
Bay Packers Mark the third time Rodgers' ongoing
relationship with the banned substance. It's
the third time they caught him. Really? But there's
more to the story. The 41 -year -old quarterback
keeps reaching for his secret sauce like it's
his healing medicine. Hmm. Wow. Yeah, they're
holed up and he pops out. Clear view of it. Huh.
Okay. And after the way they played, I'm starting
to wonder if it's smelling salts. I'm thinking,
you know what? Maybe at least it was coke or
something. You know what? I mean, he's an hallucinogenic
guy anyhow. He likes ayahuasca, mushrooms, and
everything, so I could see that happening very
easily. We're not saying that's what's going
on. We're saying that could be part of what's
going on. If you're allowed to bring your own,
who's to say what's in it? Well, I mean, what
is the drug testing policy? Could they just drug
test him on that? I don't know. Well, any drug
test should show it up. Yeah. I don't know. I'm
going to look at... Okay, you know what I'm going
to do? I'm going to get with the mystery sports
guy, and we're going to figure something out
about that, okay? Thanks for the tip -off. Yeah.
So, all right. Thank you, Rob. Because this is
like the third or fourth time he's been caught
on camera doing it. Hmm. Okay. That opens it
up. Yeah, it does. You would think starting quarterback,
he'd be heavily drug tested. You would think
so. Well, I'm going to have to read up. You know
what? This is going to be continued. This is
going to be continued on the mystery sports guy.
We're not going to let this lie. We're going
to talk about it more. Thank you, Rob. That was
a very interesting, really interesting article
there. All right, thank you. On October 10th,
during the 9 a .m. Mass at St. Peter's Basilica
in the Vatican, I think I covered this before,
but I didn't cover it quite as broadly. You remember
it, right? An unidentified man climbed the altar
of confession, dropped his pants to his ankles,
and urinated on the site, the mayor reported.
Hundreds of tourists looked on. As plainclothes
officers approached him, the Holy Pier was quickly
removed from the premises after flashing a full
moon at the gathered masses. Pope Leo was reportedly
shocked. It was unclear whether he or another
officiant was leading the service. What's different
with this article than the other one that I wrote,
I did not know that the Pope was there, and I
didn't know that he mooned him, and I didn't
know that their undercover police promptly arrested
him. So that's why I went over that right there.
So the guy, he jumps up, pulls his pants down,
starts peeing, and then the plainclothes officers
go after him. He moons everybody, and then they
catch him. He goes to jail, and Pope Leo was
over there shocked. So there you go, the whole
rundown of everything. It wasn't quite reported
like that, the other article, was it? Yeah, so,
all right. So I had to go ahead and just clear
that out. So, all right, Rob, we turn it to you.
It is now 9 -11. So you tell me if you want to
keep going or not. I'm going to bash AI. Oh,
good, good. They always need bashed. I appreciate
that. Go for it, Rob. I can take special over
this one. Okay. Okay, armed police handcuffed
and searched a student at a high school. This
week, after an AI -driven security system flagged
a team's empty bag of chips as a possible firearm.
Okay. CNN affiliate WBAO described what happened
Monday evening when police arrived. Mm. Yeah.
Wow. Wow. that's fucked welcome to AI people
yes your kids are going to be prison time over
a Dorito bag well I mean that and how about all
the other ones like the AI that was mad at the
columnist for dogging AI so he made up all the
slanderous horrible things about him and printed
it as real I mean, this whole thing, it's out
of the bag already, like we said. And it's already
getting to where people can't tell a deep fake
from real. And it's getting to where AI recognizes
people that don't like him and it retaliates.
How far is this shit going to go? I mean, it's
going in a bad area like we thought. That's insane.
Because of AI, yeah. AI didn't like him or whatever,
or AI just wanted to do whatever. So, wow. That's
crazy. All right. Well, thank you, Rob. Do you
want to keep going or do you want to shut it
down? Well, I do have one more thing to announce.
Oh, go ahead, Rob. Kick ass. What's his name?
His name is Doug. And why is it Doug? Why'd you
come up with that name? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Gotcha. I see where you're going. I love
that. I love that. Yeah. My mascot is Doug. Hey,
Doug. And the letters are in the word. Very cool.
Thank you, Rob. All right. I guess we're going
to shut this down then, right? Yeah, how about
that? Yeah, I am too. There's still a football
game going on, and I'm really beat anyhow. Time
to end it. Hello, Albuquerque. Hello, Hicksville.
Hi, Grandma Opal, Jimmy, Ricky. Thank you, everybody,
for listening. Good night, assholes. Thank you,
everybody. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks
like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.